Being Gay in a Homophobic House

Hi guys, it's me, Davora. I am so excited to finally share this with you all. I've officially launched a new subscription channel called We're All Insane Plus, where inside you will get access to never-before-heard bonus episodes, all podcast episodes completely commercial-free, and my brand new show, We're All Healing, where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors, and healers to talk about how we actually process pain, reconnect with our true selves, and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to We're All Insane Plus in-app on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or you can head over to we'reallinsane.com to learn more. My name's Ari, and I was adopted by my uncle's ex-wife because at the time when I was born, my mother was incarcerated and my father was strung out. This led to a lot of abuse, but ultimately at four on Mother's Day, my uncle's ex-wife. For this, we're just going to call her mom. I've always called her mom. And my biological mom, I've always referred to her by name as Victoria. So when I first came into the home, I had a lot of trauma. I had a lot of abandonment issues, a lot of starving issues. Starving issues. I had problems with eating due to being homeless when I was a kid. So there was a lot of things she had to deal with. But her biggest thing in life was image. So I came in already ruining that image and I came in already stunting what she had going on. She had two kids with me coming in and a baby on the way. My eldest brother did not live in the home and I never knew him living in the home, but he always existed. He was always around because he lived with my dad, mom, but he just did not live with us. He was like a weekend sibling, if anything. um she's still with your uncle at this time no so when I was born they were in the process of getting a divorce but she had his daughter okay and that was his only kid so she had her on the weekends okay and so my mother would come and visit and see me just in different homes or not eating or not having a lot. And on the weekends that she would come pick her up, she'd bring me things, you know, different clothes, a meal, things like that. So I saw her as almost a mother figure because like I said, my mother was in jail. So for the first four years of my life, it was jumping different places, excuse me. And she eventually decided to take custody when my father was incarcerated. And so by then she was, like I said, pregnant with my youngest sister and was dating a dude that we'll get into once we get into that, but she was dating probably the most impactful man of my childhood, I guess you could say. Not in a positive way, but so yeah. So when I first got there, there was intensive therapies, mental institutions, different things to try to regulate my emotions and figure out what was wrong with me. But at the end of the day, for me, I went from trauma to a household that was built on image. But when you peek through, she was getting beat by her husband. I was sleeping on the floor. there were not things that were they didn't coincide that it didn't make sense so right around middle school that's when her ex-husband went to jail and so she had my little sister and we moved in with my grandfather and he was no better but that's not my story to tell my oldest siblings have a lot they could say, but like I said, that's not my story to tell. I didn't experience that from him. However, the downfall, I was there for. We had to move out very abruptly. We had to go to police stations and get interrogated and have multiple questions get asked. And then she dropped us off right back at school. Like everything was normal. Everything was okay. We couldn't say anything. At the time when we moved out, he was paying all our bills. We just could not live with him. She was working for him and doing all of that and justifying his actions for making sure that we were okay. He provides for us. And from then on, I learned that money and providing for us financially was what mattered. Nothing else, nothing else mattered. when we lived with my grandfather like I said I was young so I was oblivious to a lot going on so post living with him that's when I hit about the fourth grade mind you when I lived in his house we also went to private school so everything was very much so for me different I feel like private school and public school was a drastic change especially when it came to my image yeah it was easier to hold it together and easier to go about everything when it was like everybody just everybody was great everything was fine and then I hit fourth grade any friend I had she didn't like anything I tried to wear she hated because ever since I was little I've always been a tomboy that's always been me I like the plaid shorts I liked the t-shirts I basic clothes yeah um But for her, my older sisters were in pageants. They danced growing up. They do the modeling. They love all of that. And my mother doted on that. And like I said, my brother never lived with us. But me and my brother, I feel like we're very much so the same. So whenever he came around, it felt like I had somebody who was like me. and I feel like that caused us to have our own till this day I don't want to say trauma bond but we connect on a level that I feel like me and my sisters don't connect on because I can still call him and he gets it he'll always get it but my sisters I feel like she groomed them for the appearance she groomed them to fit her image so that regardless she had her two perfect kids and I love my sisters I love my sisters to death but I feel like they have their own journey with my mother and I have my own journey with my mother so like I said fifth grade comes around middle school comes around and that's when I get more friends that's when my best friend tells me her moms are moms her moms are lesbians and for my whole life I have been in therapy so I tell my mom in therapy one day like hey my best friend has two moms I want to go to her house because it was always the thing she never liked my friends never wanted me to go to anybody's houses or do anything was there a reason behind that when I was younger my father told her I was going to be a lesbian and I honestly think that that stuck with her and she wanted to prove my biological balance wrong that's my only assumption yeah that or like i said it just didn't fit her image because she didn't understand it okay but she just like kind of like a control that too as well that too that too and i don't think she wanted me to form my own opinion yeah because at this time i still very much so ate brave shed anything involving her it was my mother I had abandonment issues. I was attached to her hip. That was the pinnacle because she always told me she saved me. If it wasn't for her, essentially God put her on this earth to save me. So as a kid and growing up, it's like I held onto that. That was it for me. You can't leave. You can't go anywhere. And I think she used that as a crutch. She would leave for days at a time. She would get mad and just not show up. And it's like, for me, when I came to her with that, it was already knowing how she felt about being gay, already knowing how she felt about that. But it was like, this was my best friend for years and years. And it was like, I'm trying to actually go to her house, have a sleepover. I'm in therapy asking you to have a sleepover. I completely shut it down. I mean, at the time as a kid, I wasn't understanding. And I basically was like, you're racist to gay people. That's what I said. Homophobia just didn't click to me. And that made her so mad. That infuriated her. But it didn't change her stance. She stuck to the guns, yelled at me in front of the therapist, and we went home. And that was it. Wasn't allowed to speak on the girl, about the girl, to the girl, or anything. All of middle school. So middle school ends. And what made me decide to come out to her was her, my youngest sister's dad gets out of prison. And the thing about that was when I came into the home, I came into an abusive home. It wasn't like I was coming into even a single parent household. I would have preferred that, but I'm coming into chaos. And not only is it chaos, I'm watching the human being that I put on this high pedestal get choked out or get a knife pulled out on her. But in turn, she's kind of doing the same thing to me. So the whole situation just confused me. But when he got out, I was triggered. I found out in school, cried to my math teacher. It was a whole thing. I come home, she's on the couch, and she just lets me know she can't explain it. It's chemistry. Like she can't justify it. She can't understand it herself. She just knows it's chemistry and she just knows that that is where she wants to be. I'm crying at this point. I'm bawling my eyes out, scared, terrified of this man. Do not want him anywhere around anything because we would, we would even go see him in jail. And my thing is, as a kid, that was, that was scary. But to know that the man that I was taught to fear, we're just around all the time, like it's normal, just for me was confusing. So a couple of weeks go by from that day. And I just let her know. Actually, no, I was in trouble that week. And my oldest sister was in trouble as well. And the thing about it was my mom had places for each of us to go when we made her mad. So my oldest brother, it worked. He ultimately ended up at my gal mom's house. My oldest sister, it was fat camp. She always went about her weight and who she was until this day. She still will go to a restaurant and count calories. With my youngest sister, it was the hospital. With me, it was my biological parents. My sister was in trouble and so she was a grade before me So it was her sophomore year and it was about to be summertime And so my mom her newest thing was fat camp. You got to go to fat camp. You're overweight and my sister never was until this day She is not and we both internalize our eating disorders differently She will control it with her calorie intake and I will control it with How long I can feel like I have enough energy and power to sustain not eating I feel like there's a power in not eating and I think it goes back to her and our dynamic with food honestly but me and my sister were both at the same school and she saw me holding hands with the girl I liked at the time and in my head we're both in trouble you want to be the lesser in trouble you're gonna out me now bad way of thinking but as a kid we wouldn't want to be in trouble alone. We would at least want one of the other two siblings to be with us because my mom would be insane. So I, by the end of the day, I call her on some random girl's phone. Now we're best friends. She is my best friend in this world. But at the time I had no idea who she was. I just did not have a phone freshman year. And I said, Hey, I'm trying to get picked up. Can I use your phone to call my mom? Didn't even ask about the ride. I just said, Hey mom, you're right. Cause you know, growing up she always told me I was gonna be gay I can't like girls all that so I just said you're right hangs up the phone that's it my heart raced so fast I regretted it but I couldn't take it back now mind you I should have done it when she wasn't mad at anybody maybe when she was at her happiest but I just so I get home and she sits down and she lectures me for about an hour and tells me how much of a disappointment I am how I should expect to get bullied by anybody was she religious at all no but I think she used religion as image like I said from preschool to fourth grade I was in private school and i was christian and then after i came out coincidentally my little sister ended up at a private school now when we went to a viewing for the private school they were having an anti-gay rally all of this was very like i said coincidental and now she'll use god as like a excuse atonement for her yeah yeah but i don't think it's genuine but I don't believe anything from her can be genuine at this point yeah hi guys it's me devora I am so excited to finally share this with you all I've officially launched a new subscription channel called we're all insane plus where inside you will get access to never before heard bonus episodes all podcast episodes completely commercial free and my brand new show We're All Healing, where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors, and healers to talk about how we actually process pain, reconnect with our true selves, and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to We're All Insane Plus in-app on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or you can head over to we'reallinsane.com to learn more. Hi guys, it's me, Devorah. The We're All Insane merch store is officially open. I've been working so hard on this line and really made it with you in mind, And I am so excited. We have totes, tumblers, sweatshirts, and my personal favorite, the crewnecks with the matching sweatpants. And let me just tell you, they are so comfortable and so soft. It is my favorite thing to wear. And the colors are so cute. This is my very first launch and we only printed a limited amount. So once it is gone, it's gone. So make sure you head to we'reallinsane.com and grab yours today. You can do all the therapy, all the breath work, and all the journaling. But if your body is running on empty, you feel it. Low energy, burnout, that wired but tired feeling. That's why I started taking Mito Pure Gummies. 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So yeah, while she's telling me how much of an embarrassment I am, the whole your little sister's going to think you're going to hell and she's going to let you know what she did because of her school. but she's made so much strides and she's amazing but anyway and then she told me she was going to out the girl and for 14 15 year old me I thought I was in love that was the wife that was my life and if her parents found out and you found out we couldn't be together and that was what triggered me and I said no you can't do that that's when I actually spoke up she flipped the table and left the house. And like I said, my abandonment issues, you did the one, like for me, she was the one person who I felt like taking it from was easier than actually losing her. So she would do things like flip a table and yell at me and then leave, decompress. And it's like, for me, it was like, damn, you're beating me and then putting me in a corner. So after I came out, everything was done. I had to go to church. I had to go to therapy. I had no phone. I had, I was in JROTC. I could not attend any after school events. I had one friend that I had known from fifth grade that thankfully she let me stay friends with. But outside of that, I wasn't allowed to go or do any anything. And like I said, she would justify it with other things. But at the end of the day, the tone shifted when I came out and it shifted in a big way because I wasn't feminine. I feel like honestly, that was the bigger thing. It's just so crazy to me. Like I, you know, it very obvious that we live in a world where like there are many people that have their own beliefs and opinions and they are very like dead set on it like for some reason that is like they can they cannot see past those things it like actually like drives them crazy i think yeah but it never makes sense to me how you can be so in your own way that you would think by like taking things away from you would change the outcome the outcome's not going to change you know what i mean so it's like i feel like you coming out to her you have one of two options you either treat you like shit and take everything away which doesn't change the outcome or support you and like obviously you're young you can have rules and boundaries but like you know like to still have that like open communication and support and relationship and i feel like like either way the outcome doesn't change as far as what you feel and what you want and what you do in your personal life but at least like you would feel comfortable and confident yep in your family yeah i just that's what i just don't i don't get it like people think that by like punishing someone or making these decisions and controlling them is going to change the outcome yeah it's not going to change anything yeah and you're mad when nothing changes and you're just in a worse position at this point yeah i don't get it it's just you're so closed-minded like and i have always just said it's like it's never made sense to me why people care so much about someone else's life it doesn't affect you like okay it affects your your image which like really in the grand scheme of things who gives a shit people are odd that's that's all she has yeah i mean when it's all said and done she has not a relationship with either one of her parents her father passed away her older sister passed away and like I said each of my siblings has a different journey with her but it's not a close one and I feel like once I came out it was doing everything to try to control the image well the downfall was me having social media okay behind her back the problem had always been I would tell her white lies did you know that the modern adoption industry was basically created by a woman who stole babies and sold them to wealthy families? Hi, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal, where you can hear that story and plenty more just like it. We take you inside the minds of our most notorious felons and outlaws, exploring the dark side to the American dream. You can listen to American Criminal wherever you get podcasts or at AmericanCriminal.com. but for her white lies were the worst thing in the world i've been spit on for a white lie i've been smacked i've been dragged across the room anything so this one particular day i remember it was thanksgiving and i didn't have a phone but i had a secret iphone and i was hiding it i was hiding it so well i had made it past the summer into the next school year and all that um and i was downstairs sitting on the dryer and I was texting and she comes into the dryer and she looks at me and she hand she reaches out of her hand and I just put the phone in her hand and she walks upstairs everybody comes over everybody is calm cool collected everything's happy everything's fine I don't eat that's the first Thanksgiving I literally sat there and could not eat because I had no clue what was gonna happen I had no clue what was gonna go on and transpire so everybody leaves. Everything's all settled down. She sits me on the couch and she instantly goes off. Mind you, I, my hair was straight. It was Christmas or sorry, Thanksgiving. She drags me to the bathroom and puts my head under the water. And she was like, if you want to act like a fucking liar, you don't deserve to have straight hair. For me, the straight hair was not like, I understand what she was doing in the moment now looking back and as as an adult it's like what what what are you what were you doing what are you doing yeah and that whole night she was just yelling going crazy flipping out and that was the first night I ran away and I ended up at the girl whose phone I used. I ended up at her house and her mom is amazing. And her mom is a nurturer. But at the end of the day, she's a mom. And I think she understands moms. So she wasn't going to harbor me. So my mom ended up picking me up and we drove to the police station because I said, I'm done. I hate you. I want nothing to do with you. And at that point she was saying everything back. I don't know if it's both of us being fire signs or both of us just being quick with it. But when we argue, we can low blow. Both of us together will low blow. She hates me. I hate her. So we get to the police station and we're both begging the cops at this point. She's done. I'm done. We just want to, where can we sign? Obviously nobody gives us anything. They involve CPS. So CPS gets involved. And how old were you? 16. Okay. And was quick question. Was that guy living back at the house at this point? No, he got paroled to his sister's house, but he was there a lot. Okay. He was, the thing about her was he was not in her tax bracket and he just got out of jail. So simultaneously she was dating guys with a lot of money. doing great. She did not care about them, but they had the means to provide for her and give her, yeah, give her the lipo and give her the new boobs and do everything that the chemistry man couldn't. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So he was there, but he wasn't there. Got it. Okay. So CPS gets involved. So CPS gets involved. And at first I'm thinking, okay, this is my chance. I just want to get out of my house so when I'm talking to them I'm not telling them about the years of abuse and we're only scratching the surface um I'm just telling them I came out and she doesn't like me so for them I think they saw a 16 year old who couldn't be with their girlfriend they didn't treat me like that but they treated me like that you know what I'm saying but I think after hearing stories from other people my god mom my grandma maybe my older sister they temporarily put me into my grandma's home and so I stayed there and in all of this I learned that I was never legally adopted she only had legal guardianship so when CPS got involved and everything was everything my her ex-husband reached out to his brother which was my father and he called me and so I was there for about two months and we spoke every single day and I think that's the first time I've ever talked to somebody and like understood or like got it you know and um sorry he passed away and I knew I knew this was the only part I was gonna be sad about but he I felt like I didn't have to try for his love every phone call I just knew I just got it but in the midst of all that I was at my grandmother's house and I didn't know anything I had all these different rules and it was a different environment and I didn't have my siblings so I wanted to go back home crazy enough and my mom is like well if you want to come home tell CPS for your birthday. You can come home. Like I'll have that be your birthday gift. Like she was making it like some big deal to make my birthday, you know, the day I come home and that's her gift to me. And so as a kid, I always knew that my biological mother was the abuse and my father was just an addict. Like it, anything, he was an addict. That's it. That's all. So when speaking to him, because they were still together, when speaking to him, it was always a, I don't want to speak to her. I don't want to deal with her. I don't want to talk to her. No, thank you. One day, I get a call from her. And I was mad. I blamed him. And I, when I get upset, I don't like to talk about it. I feel like if I talk about it, you're either one, not going to respond the way I want you to respond or two, you're not going to care enough. So I'm wasting my time. So in turn, I go silent and I went silent. So I went home and two months later he passed away. And so she's sitting me down and she tells me all that we're planning for his funeral. We go to his funeral right after were shopping. There was like, I feel like everything was so quick about it, but I can remember shopping. I can remember going to Springfield mall. I can remember all of that. And for me, it's like, I don't know if that's how she wanted it to be, but that's not how I wanted it to be. I don't know how I wanted it to be, but looking back, I wish it wasn't funeral Victoria's secret. You know what I'm saying? um i wish it was a you just saw your biological mother in person for the first time and watched me and her get into it do you want to talk about it do you want to go and decompress do you want to go somewhere and just be with me you know it was a let's go in public spend some money do some stuff and buy you stuff you don't even want you know what i'm saying so once he passed away everything was kind of was everything kind of floated for a couple months she ran my grandfather's business but she ran it into the ground he filed bankruptcy and amidst all that he got kidney failure and so he was in the hospital and he ultimately ended up passing away on mother's day which now that i'm talking about it it's crazy how a lot of things in her life happen on mother's day me being adopted her father passing away like things happen and it's like I don't know if it's to shed light on maybe you shouldn't celebrate mother's day you haven't earned that or what but I feel like give me a sec you're okay you take your time yeah okay so when he passed away there was a big divide it was my older siblings and my youngest me and my little sister my little sister I love her and I wish I could shelter her for the rest of my life but she's 23 now and my grandfather has never been a good human but she didn't know that and it's taken her a long time to learn that so at the time that was her favorite person ever when he passed away it was the end of the world but when he passed away from my older sister it was probably a breath of fresh air you know what I'm saying they had different so we went to West Virginia went to his funeral did all that just me my little sister my mom came back and my older sister moved out and when my older sister moved out I think that's when everything got harder and I think that's when I realized stress caused me to not eat because for a long time it was the three of us and it was always the three of us no matter what. Even if my mom was mad, like we were cool. And sometimes my mom would be too crazy and one of us would start crying and it would work. You know what I'm saying? Like we had each other's back. So when she left, I felt like what's happening. She's gone. My grandfather's gone. My mom is Ubering to pay for a $2,800 a month house that she can't sustain. Um, and if she's not Ubering, she's in a room sleep. So I don't know what to do. And amidst all that, we're still arguing. We still don't see you. You don't like me. And I adore the ground you walk on. When I, up until 17, 18, I literally could not speak anything about my mother that was not of love and light and compassion because I felt like if I went against that something bad was gonna happen like something not good could come from that but it's also like I can't just be silent because she is not silent and we'll get into that but yeah so when the downfall of that then I got a job and it was my first job, but she wasn't making a lot of money either. So both of our checks were going into rent or going into the house. I was giving her my checks. And while we figured all that out, we figured out that my father, he was getting disability. And because I was never adopted or I don't really know how the ins and outs of that went at the time. All I know is I got the back pay and up until I got 18 up until I was 18 I got you know some money so the back pay was $2,500 so we get the back pay and I don't even know how much $25,000 is I'm like okay can we pay rent for this month maybe next month and buy some groceries she paid rent for a couple months and then she got her whole she got her whole body done she got her entire body done um and at the time as a kid it was like I just I was just happy she was happy I was just happy things were good on the up and up but it's like going into school that year I was crying to my counselor because I didn't know how I was gonna not be at home post-graduation you know what I'm saying because I didn't have the concept that $25,000 was a lot of money because she blew it so fast. She wasn't teaching me that that was a lot of money. She wasn't teaching me anything about it because nobody was going to see it. It was gone before it touched anybody's hands. And I feel like that was her main thing when it came to me. I feel like with my older and younger sister, it was find a rich guy marry a rich guy marry the richest richest dude and if you love him great fine but you guys are pretty and use that but for me once I got into the okay we know you're not going to tap into your femininity the way you want to you have to be in a tax bracket and if you're not in a tax bracket I don't care about you the way that you know I could so once I was getting that money and Once I was doing my job, everything was going okay, going good. But in the back end, I had a girlfriend and she was in college. So when she came home from college, I would. And I'm assuming she didn't know about the girlfriend, right? She knew, but she didn't know I was sneaking to see her. She didn't know I was doing everything. Because the crazy thing is when she needed the girlfriend at the time, she would use her. So to pick up my little sister from school, if she didn't have somebody. hey can your girlfriend do this or so she knew but she didn't know the extra times we were hanging out so one day she was on the way to West Virginia with my little sister and I told her that I had to work I think like a night shift and then a morning shift so I couldn't go to West Virginia but my girlfriend was home from spring break at the time so she was going to pick me up take me home do all of things. I didn't have to work that weekend. So for me, I just had the full weekend. You were going to stay at the crib. Everything was going to be kumbaya. Things were going to be cool. So I have my mom's location and my mom is on the way home. And my little sister's texting me like, hey, we're going to stop by the job. Say, hey, blah, blah, blah. We came home early. I'm scrambling because we're at home. I don't live far. We get there. I'm in full uniform. yes it was bad to go through this much waste to lie but at that point I was in it and I was in it so I went into work and then I went into the bathroom I walked out like I was leaving so as they were walking in it was like I got caught early I'm leaving oh my goodness no my mom saw right through that so she said give me your phone no you're not you're not taking my phone this is crazy. We're not doing all that. And so I worked at Cracker Barrel at the time. We were in the dining area. She gets up and she starts like towards me, almost like she's not like she's gonna come at me, but I flinch very easy. So I immediately just run and I'm running out of the merchandising area into the parking lot. The girl I'm with at the time, she's in her car and I'm like, open your door, open your door. I got to jump in at this point. My mom tries to grab me from behind and like pull me out of the car. And so I just chuck the phone at her, get in the car and I leave. Now, if you ask her, I left. If you ask me, I don't know. I don't. So after we go home or I go to my house because I'm thinking I'm going to get there before her. I'm going to go in, get as much, anything that I can get for the night and all. So I did that. We missed her. I went to the girl I was with at the time and I stayed at her house and I didn't talk to her. Next thing I know, I'm getting a call from my grandma and she's asked, like everybody asking me if I okay My god mom checking in on me My grandma checking in on me They relaying the information back to my mother but I not speaking to my mom And so she connects with my grandma packs all my stuff up because while this is happening she losing the house So she lost the house and then moved into a two bedroom and was like, don't let Ari know where I'm I don't come get the stuff. So my grandma got all my stuff, brought it to the girl I was dating with at the time's house and was like, have it, here you go. So I ended up staying with her. And I feel like that was a, I just want to go home. I just want to be with my mom. That relationship was no better. I was giving her every single one of my checks And she had every appointment scheduled for every week. And I was expected to pay it simultaneously while she was cheating. So I feel like I went into one begging for love situation into another begging for love situation. And it wasn't until about a year into college that my mom called me because my little sister had ran away for the first time. and we started speaking again and we were getting closer and everything was fine but at the same time was it fine she never visited me in college never knew where I lived anytime that I moved out of the city she was never there but she would call I guess but I think I would split like if we were good I would split up the calls so I could tell people maybe for a week we're good because the next phone call I don't know how it's gonna be I don't know if you're gonna like the fact that I have a roommate in the back background who's talking too loud or so would you say she was just very short fused honestly I think she she just had mood swings because I think you could have one day of a great great conversation it's good but if you catch her in those bad moods I don't know how long her bad mood is gonna be I don't know how long and it's like when she's good some stuff doesn't irritate her the way that when she's bad it irritates her yeah you know what i'm saying so we what happened i ultimately ended up you know that relationship fell off i was in college i went to school we didn't speak pretty much the whole time i was in college unless it was about my little sister and about her and her progress and anything that involved her because when it's all said and done after my grandfather passed away me and my little sister we were locked in so when I moved out I beat myself up the hardest about leaving her yeah so when she reached out and talked to me it was like a now's my chance to be there for my little sister and to just be involved and maybe we can have a good relationship because that's always what I wanted I always wanted me and my mom to get to the place where I felt like she liked me I never felt like my mom like maybe when I was a kid, she loved me and she did all that. But like at the bare minimum, I don't think she liked me. So come after high school, after, excuse me, after college, I moved to Richmond and I'm living in Richmond and my little sister is good. She's healthy. She's happy, living her best life, graduated high school, did all the things. And it came to the point of what is me and my mother's relationship and that's when I started to dissect it and that's when I started to realize that a lot of things that she did I didn't deserve and it's like I can't justify because growing up I would always say my mother took me from an abusive household and yes she may have given me emotional abuse but at least it wasn't abusive you know emotional versus physical and so like she like you had mentioned she made it out to be that she saved you yeah so I think in your mind it's like you know I think that it's very easy to justify someone's actions that you care about and children are so innocent so I think you know as a child it makes sense that you looked up to her and you put her on this pedestal and you loved her you know yeah and we're not meant to know what abuse is at that age like you can't really understand it and dissect it it almost becomes you're normal even though you feel it's like you kind of that's your life yeah and I feel like for a long time love was about how much you did to change yourself into receiving that love from that person um so I think that that tracked into my friendships my relationships all of that because I was craving my mother I wanted my mom to validate my feelings and I felt like she never validated my emotions yeah and as when i was younger i hated the world i was mad at everything i was always like i got two moms and they both don't like me woe is me but as i grew up and as i met other people and friendships changed dynamics changed and i saw that like it wasn't my fault our conversations got less and less but while our conversations got less and less for her she blamed me so she let out the entire family know that I was strung out and I was an addict and I was a thief a liar a homewrecker a cheater all these things that I'm not so I came I think Easter two years ago I came to see them but I ended up getting food poisoning so I was at the hospital and I called her and I was like hey like I'm sorry you haven't heard from me the past 12 hours. I've been at the hospital. I literally had the ambulance come pick me up. Her first thought is, why are you not like, why didn't you call me sooner? Like why, why not? And I'm like, I literally, this is my first time being not hunched over down bad, horrible. That wasn't okay. I was now mind you, I am California sober. That's it. That is literally it. So for me, I was willing to take whatever drug test she wanted. I was willing to go through whatever loops, whatever holes, whatever bounds, whatever anything that she wanted me to go through because it was like anything that you're mad at me for, I can debunk it and you can love me again. So after Easter, I ended up moving back to the town that we are from and I was about 10 minutes away from her. I never saw her one time, but we started speaking again slowly because we would do a thing where we would just fall off and just not speak until one of us just saw each other spoke. So one, the icing on the cake was the whole time I was living in her city. You're not speaking to me because you think I'm showing out. I'm telling you, I'll take a drug test. I'm telling you, I'm doing this and this. I'm telling you, I'm single. Like I'm not even doing anything that could make you upset in the slightest and you're not seeing me. So we started speaking and her thing was, if you have all these jobs, who's holding your money? Who's managing your money? Now she is at a job where she's making six figures. So she feels like she is above and she can manage her money. What she's doing with those six figures is not managing her money. So I did. I lied to her. I told her my godmom was holding my money and helping me manage my money and so she and then turned went to my godmom and she told my godmom or asked my godmom that she figured out it was a lie and my brother was flying in for the week because my brother lives in California now and anytime my brother comes I will come anytime my brother's around I'll be around even if she's around, I'm coming around because that is my person. So when she found out I lied, she concocted a story and let everybody know that my brother was mad at me. He was going to confront me. He was going to get all up in my face because he was mad that I lied to his mother. So if I come to this dinner, I'm in for it. So I didn't go to the dinner. My brother calls me the next day mad. He's like, bro, where are you? Why haven't I seen you? What are you doing? I'm at this point in tears because I'm easily triggered when it comes to them. So I'm like, you were mad at me. I didn't want to this, this, that none of it was true. So I texted my mom and I'm like, Hey, like, this is why I don't want to have a relationship with you. This is why I can't do this. Instantly starts going in on me, telling me I'm a low life, telling me I'm not going to amount to anything, telling me she's washed her hands with me and she's no longer my mother and if she can walk this life without a mother because like I said she's not speaking to her mom then I'm I'm just fine by doing it and I'm just fine by being that and for me I was mad and like I said we were low blowing and I'm like you've always hated me for liking girls but you're in love with a man who beats you um your father is a horrible man all this and this and like I said she just chalked up to I'm talking from a place of anger and she will pray for me and since then I saw her one time before I moved down to North Carolina and she acted like I was a complete stranger hasn't asked about how I am hasn't asked about my whereabouts my life my anything and for me it hurt and I feel like a part of it still hurts but it's like I'm one I'm with somebody I'm completely fulfilled by and two her mom asking about my day something so little is like okay if you can do it she just doesn't want to do it has nothing to do with me has nothing to do with anything she just doesn't care to want to do it yeah and I think that the issue is as a human being you know especially when it's something weird like I feel like like I think you kind of mentioned this all we want is a parent's love yeah you know and I think that as a child you like long for that so much especially when it's so like ingrained in you that it's like I feel like your whole life she was very like it's there then it's not it's there and it's not and it's like I think naturally as a human like when you're given a little bit you always want more of the the good stuff you know and then it's just this constant toxic circle that you're going in and I think that you probably to this day have this soft spot for her and this care for her but that and like I feel like there's days that you might be like like why do I feel that way for somebody that doesn't even care to check in on me but I think that's a very normal human feeling and reaction but at the same time I always say, you know, not the people that are placed in our life as our family, that doesn't mean that they're supposed to always be there. If somebody can't support and respect you and treat you kindly, they don't need a place in your life, you know, like for any reason. And I think that if somebody is giving you more stress and anxiety and worry and fear and everything in between, they are just not good for your life you know and I like I said I do think it's hard in the sense of we want to think especially if you're a good person you want to make everyone happy you want to please everybody you want to just be on good terms who nobody wants to be I mean unless you're a psychopath nobody wants to be on bad terms with anybody nobody what because it's like it's a burden on your shoulder. It's like you can feel like, yeah, like me and this person aren't in the best of places. And it's, I think it's a different type of punch in the gut when you have years under your belt with somebody and they act like you don't exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think for me, it's like, I'm the youngest for my biological parents. And I have siblings with my mother. So it's like, what about me? In either one of the scenarios, and I think that's the place that I have to do the most healing from now. I think I've accepted everything could be what it is, and I've accepted that I am who I am now because of everything that's happened. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but feel what about me. My biological mother is all over Facebook, her kids are doing great, grandkids, everything is fine. like I said you don't speak to her at all either okay she I feel like as I've grown I've wanted to explore that more but growing up she was the abuser that is something I do know but it's also like what was the real story what all happened what all transpired because I just don't before my biological grandmother so my father's mother passed away she would always ask me if I've talked to my mother and she would always be referring to Victoria would never refer to my adopted mother as my mother and did not care to yeah and for me that's telling right for me that's very telling and then it's also like my mother was born in the Philippines and she moved out here and her family's in California that's what I know about her life so it's like I don't don't I don't know yeah I just knew to grow up fearing her right and I knew to grow up not liking her and I knew that I could never disrespect my mother in calling Victoria my mother you know it was one of those things so now for me it's like I think I'm at a place where I just don't understand it yeah so there is bitterness but i also don't feel like it's my place to approach it because for me it's like you're you carried me at the end of the day i i was hurt by you so i feel like if you want to open that door what do you have to say i shouldn't be the one that has to open that door that's how i feel and that's where you are right now yeah yeah you know like everything in life is I feel like it's I mean yeah it's a healing journey but we're constantly changing and evolving and like where you are now might be different than where you are in a year from now you know it's always changing and that's okay you always I always just say like you have to go with what you're feeling in in the moment now yeah yeah and you can't be hard on yourself and you're entitled to feel however you need to feel and I think that you need to go through feeling those different emotions to heal yeah and i feel like my biggest downfall has been trying to navigate the rest of the family while going no contact with her because it's like for a long time i felt like she's what brought me into the family i i how else am i tied to the family and even now it's like my brother he's always made me feel like i was nothing less than his blood sister if he could give me his blood he literally would and I think sometimes that's all that matters yeah yeah you know I think that we can we can easily get in our own heads and think to ourselves like like I think with anything you can just break things down until it there's nothing left to break down and drive yourself crazy but all that matters is that you know you're in a place where you're happy and you're confident with yourself and your decisions and you surround yourself with the right type of people that you need right now and who wants to be in your life and who is in your life and respects that, that's all that matters. You know, and if somebody makes the decision not to be there, that's their loss. That has nothing to do with you ever. Yeah. And never question your worth because of blood or this or that. Like that blood people like there's, you know, growing up, I was always taught like blood is thicker than water, but I don't agree with that. Like, I think that you can have the best most family type of relationships with people you have absolutely no blood relationship blood relation to yeah yeah people that you don't even know sometimes will treat you better in a day and people will treat you in 20 years oh yeah yeah and i feel like i think for me it's about forgiving like yeah my grandmother her mother i i have my own how do I word this we live together twice I mean when I was 23 and when I was you know 16 so it's like we butt heads and we do not agree and I think where I'm at is like I want to forgive her but I'm so I guess stuck in my way of just not wanting to but she kept my dog when I moved to North Carolina and I she lives alone he's an emotional support he's great I love him but it's also like he was my dog so I think I'm holding a grudge over her and plus I found out she knew a lot that was going on in the home and just didn't know how to go about it yeah she just didn't know how to speak up and maybe it's because she was raised in an abusive household and so that was her norm but But for me, it's like I don't understand how you can talk all this game about how you love and care. And that's what I'm saying. I feel like I need to forgive the older generation and understand more. But I'm so angry at my mom. I'm just stuck in, okay, let's just be mad. Let's just not forgive anybody. But I know that that affects me in my day to day I was going to say it almost like you need to find forgiveness within yourself not to mend the relationship but to kind of view it differently yeah but once again like genuinely that takes time anybody that tells you like just oh just forgive like it's ruining your own mental health like okay yeah but it's easier said than done you know and and it's I think it's almost worse to act like you're in a different place when you're really not there yet. So if right now you're angry, you feel bitter, like allow yourself to feel that. But I think, you know, it's not always about like the first thought we have. It's like the second thought we have, you know, we can feel this thought of anger and bitterness and whatever else we immediately think of the person. But I think if we can kind of like, after we have that initial thought and feeling, if we can kind of shift right after to be like, okay, like, yes, I feel that way, but it's not good for me. Like I, I don't have to be angry at this person anymore. If anything, I just have to feel bad for them. Yeah. I honestly, I feel like the anger is the last thing I have. Yeah. I've moved. I've developed my own life, my own family, my own everything. And it's like they are not involved. They don't talk. They don't speak. So it's like the only thing I have of them is anger. And after that, it's like I don't think I'm fully ready to accept like life would hurt a lot less to not have. them in your life you know I don't think I'm ready to fully accept that but it's like it's been it's been like a year and a half now um I'm ready to accept it but subconsciously I think I'm still waiting and hoping that hey something could shift something could change but at the end of the day it's like I'm 26 when I have kids and when I'm an adult in hindsight you're not you're not the type of person I want around my kid knowing that I was I was just a kid you did not like me as a kid and I did not deserve that so I don't feel like you deserve access to my kid or my family or my life or anything like that and so I know it's gonna take more healing but I know that I'm in a place that accepts that my new reality and anybody I choose to consider family is going to be different and it isn't going to hurt and I feel like for the first time in my entire life I don't have a relationship with anybody that I'm begging to love yeah and you shouldn't yeah and that and I feel like for me that's a lot because I feel like I spent a long time in friendships and relationships conforming and just doing anything I could to make sure that person didn't leave regardless of if I was happy I was comfortable I was this I was that I mean I've never broken up with a person I've always done things to or maybe stop doing things yeah to because it's like I I don't know how to stop giving love I just know how to get it taken, I guess. So now it's like, I don't want to be that person. And I don't want to be around anybody that I feel like I have to fix myself for. This is me. This is what you got. This is what you get. And I feel like that's why I can't speak to my mom. My siblings ask all the time. They're like, it's so crazy. You're not speaking to mom. It's crazy how you think it's gonna be forever and it's like i don't expect to never see her ever again my siblings still all have to get married one's engaged ready it's just like i know we're gonna be in the same facilities but if we can't have a conversation about what i want to have a conversation about we can never move forward and i know it's gonna hurt my i know she's gonna hurt my feelings We cannot have a civilized conversation because she still to this day, I listen to stories with my siblings and she lacks accountability in the smallest things with them. So it's like you're not ready to have a conversation with me. And that's fine. Like we said, one day that could change. And I think that even then it's like it might be this kind of full circle moment where you have a relationship, but there are boundaries set. And I think that that's fine as well. But, you know, what I wanted to say was you got to give yourself some some grace because you are still so young. And it takes people, you know, sometimes until they're in their 50s or 60s to get to the point where you're at right now. Yeah. You know, so it's like I feel like you're already in a in a good place to start your healing journey and where you are healing. And I just think that I think anger is and bitterness is an easy thing to hold on to. and I think like you said maybe it's a way of you not wanting to fully let things go like it feels better to feel some emotion than no emotion towards it yeah yeah I think I don't I don't know how my default setting is silent so it's like in my head I promise you it's not silent so it's like I don't know how to calm the noise when it comes to them and right now I'm all I'm hearing is anger You know what I'm saying? All I'm hearing is bitterness or mad. Like I'm literally in a completely different state all alone. I mean, not all alone, but to you, to people who have not checked in on me, I am alone. Yeah, you don't know the life i've created out here. You don't know the relationship i've maintained out here You don't know any of that you're still Basing everything on my past and what that is then and it's like I am so much better I have the healthiest relationship out of anybody in my family and we're not even married now not to toot my own horn, but I feel like That says a lot when knowing the dynamics that we came from and it's like fine you don't want to see all that fine but for me sometimes that makes me mad i want to and i feel like maybe that is the part of the image that i did pick up from her because like i want to show you where i'm at i want you to see how good i'm doing without you i think you just want i think that's the little you and they're just wanting to make those people proud there's nothing wrong with that like I think everybody wants their family to be proud of them and to care and to like who wouldn't want like in a perfect world yeah it's like we shouldn't do anything to like try to you know get the approval of others but at the same time I think it's in my opinion I think it's the child in you I don't think it's an image thing because it's not about what the world thinks it's about just having them realize how well you're doing and that's a normal feeling yeah everything feeling is so human and so normal it just sucks no you're right though because i do feel like my inner child is finally at peace my inner child is finally happy and proud of who i've became yeah so in turn i don't think she realizes like where the family is now like you for my inner child i'm where she thought I would need to be to get that love yeah and it's like now I'm I'm a completely different person I'm non-binary I'm I don't speak to them I when I came out as non-binary I don't think my mom has any idea she had no clue and it's like I don't know if it's the new me not wanting to bring her energy into or what but it's like if she never knows I'm totally okay with that because you never knew me to begin with yeah i'm just already but you never knew yeah you never so it doesn't matter either way yeah it just sucks yeah yeah it's i feel like it's a bittersweet feeling now now that i'm growing up i feel like it's so it's so bittersweet and i think what scares me is to not care at all crazy enough i think it scares me to feel absolutely absolutely nothing because at one point that was my entire life i went into the military for my mother i did any and everything she asked to do to make her okay and it's like now that i'm living for myself and now that i have my own ideas and concepts and yeah that she has no foreign to you yeah yeah yeah peace silence quiet all of these things are foreign concepts and it's like i don't this is the first time I don't have a single just like unjustifiable relationship or a single toxic thing happening like everything is peaceful and quiet and I don't know what it's chaotic to me that for me is chaotic right that makes sense and I I feel like it's a very relatable thing for a lot of people yeah yeah so I'm just trying to get to the place where it's like I I'm happy in my peace so I want to be always at peace in it I don't want to feel like it's chaotic or like it's gonna slip from my new me because I feel like that's definitely for me peace is temporary I mean everything is temporary I was literally thought there's nothing that is not temporary everything is so for me it's like I not that I'm waiting for the ball to drop because like I said it's been like a year and a half everything's happy everything's healthy but it's like in the back of my head it's like is somebody gonna pop up is is my mom like what's gonna happen I think it's something that like you can mentally be prepared for but you don't stress about it like when it happens it happens and however it's meant to go in that moment is how it's gonna go you know my favorite thing to do is stress you gotta stop you gotta meditate and I I need to learn I need to learn because I tried in high school when I first moved out I tried to get into meditation and I tried to get into that and do all that but try again yeah I need to yeah it takes time but you like the whole point is just to find that peace and quiet within yourself it's more like it leads you to so much self-acceptance I think too and just you it's easier said than done you know and I think that when like I said when there's this when this was your life for so long it's so hard to rewire your brain yeah and to go backwards and like unravel all of this toxic pattern bullshit but like the more you work on it and the more you tell yourself and show yourself this new version of your life and you you're just gonna you're building this new future for yourself you know and I think that that's why kind of like what I was saying with the the second thoughts it's like we naturally like our first thought in my opinion is going to be the thought that's so like wired in us from our whole life but that second thought is what's gonna change our future you know like you have to keep reminding yourself like no I don't need to think this way this is the new way like things are fine things are good you know yeah and I just hard yeah yeah because fight or flight or fight has always been my mode like I don't know how to not live in like a survival type mode and I honestly don't know how to navigate love without any pieces of survival in it you know what I'm saying I think I'm so used to having to do something or having to be something or having to it doesn't come effortlessly yeah so now that it's coming to me effortlessly and people are seeing me it's like I don't I'm having a hard time believing it yeah you know what I'm saying I think I've lost my trust in people now that I don't talk to the people I don't trust I don't I don't know if that makes sense um but that's I it's all about navigating and I'm very self-aware thankfully I feel like that's one thing that living in my head has taught me it's I'm self-aware I've thought about everything that's a really important aspect to have within yourself and I think that it it says a lot that you are willing to be so open and so vulnerable about your story and about these portions of your life that you're willing to come on a public platform and speak about it like to me I always tell people that is a huge part in self-awareness and a healing journey like that that is no small thing yeah yeah and I I'm at the point where I want to heal and I want to jump start the journey because I know that my life we go so many places yeah and I know I have so much to live so I don't want to harp on this because like anytime something good happens I want to tell her I want to and then it's like sometimes when I'm sad it's like I want to call my mom but it's also like I don't have that nurturing figure so I've navigated it and it hasn't been easy but I also think I'm doing it to myself in a sense. I'm putting up walls with people that don't need the walls because I'm hurt by my mother. You know what I'm saying? I've shut my godmama out and she's done absolutely nothing, but because y'all live in the same area, I just don't speak to you the way that I should. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I just, I know I have a lot of work, but I know I am so much more than what I could have been. And I'm proud of myself, but I'm also critical of myself at the same time because like, I know I'm not where I want to be, but I'm so thankful I'm not where I was. You know what I'm saying? You've had a lot of growth. Yeah, for sure. And there's still more that needs to happen, but I feel like it's been a journey. It's been a time. It's been a time. Well, I think you did amazing. Thank you. Of course. Was there any other aspects you wanted to add in either point? I don't think so. I don't know. Yeah, I've just been talking. I don't even know how long it's been. I don't know nothing. No, I want to make sure you got everything out that you wanted to say. I think you did amazing. I was going to say, do you think there's anything that I should add or subtract? No? I was going to say I know. Okay. I think you did amazing. Seriously. Okay, good. I think you did a great job. And like I said, I really think it's really something a lot of people can relate to in so many ways. It's like it doesn't have to even just be like a mother figure situation. It could be, you know, a father situation, a sibling situation, a friend situation. It could be any. Yeah. And I feel like that's why I want it because like I feel like now, especially the type of person I am, I'm not so open with my story. As a kid, I would tell it all the time. I mean, but it's like now I feel like not that you would be surprised about the story, but I feel like some people probably hold it in because they don't think other people can relate. or and it's like anybody can literally anybody can relate or everybody has a different story everybody has something that they could say or tell and it's like I know my story and once I get to like the pinnacle of growth is I'm gonna want to tell it all the time again but it's like slow start I gotta I agree with you plus this yes your platform's amazing I could but the vibes that you set I love I love that you not like oh yeah I have damn near two million followers this is a big pretty like it's still so chill it's intimate it's like it's not it's just intimidating yeah it's not intimidating yeah and that's the thing like I just want it to be a space for people to share like yeah literally like you said everyone has a story and the interesting thing too is like I think so many people can relate like one person might relate to one aspect of your story and not the other aspect. And then someone else might be the complete opposite. You know, and I think the whole point of the platform, you know, for me is so that people can just listen to someone naturally tell their story without any like, I don't know, like somebody dictating what they say or just, oh, just share this part. Like the craziest part. I always look at it like a book. You know, if you just read a book and you only read like the climax of the book, you'd be like, why would you care? I like, I love for people to come and kind of describe from beginning to end, like their childhood, to give the background, tell us where you, what happened, where you are now, like all the ins and outs of it. And I've really just created the space to give people a voice. And I think not only is it kind of this like release for the guest, but then look at it. It's like this huge domino effect. It helps so many people that are listening. It's like, it builds this invisible community kind of. For sure. For sure. Yeah. There's always, always, always a story that needs to be heard and told and shared. And if I can be part of someone's healing journey or if I can, you know, give someone a voice that will help somebody else that's listening, it's like makes the biggest difference. Because think about it. Even if somebody – we live in such a crazy world where I feel like half the world is accepting and open and the other half is so closed off and, you know, judgmental. So it's like if somebody can listen to this and feel like, wow, like I can be myself. Like I don't have to shut down who I am because of the people that raised me or the people that are around me. Yeah. Fuck that. Like everyone should just be themselves. No, yeah. Hell yeah. Even if it means being alone, like you're not, I think, in my opinion, you're more alone by suppressing who you are, and having people around you that don't support you than genuinely just like being by yourself and being who you are. Yeah. And now that you say that, I feel like I am just suppressing myself. And that's why I feel alone. Yeah, because of like, trauma and distrust of people. I feel like I'm just not being me. Because I'm scared. Like, I don't know. People scare me now. Yeah, and I feel like that's something that I don't want. I'm trying to get out of I think this is a really yeah, I was gonna say this was Exposure therapy was very much so exposure. That's what I'm saying though. It's like right I mean you would never think you're scared to like to come on and tell it all To a stranger. Yeah, you know, that's not somebody that's scared. So don't you know, like give yourself credit Yeah, it's a big thing to do. I just got to get out of my head When it's all said and done get out of there Thank you.