Are YOU The Financial A-Hole? (Real Money Dilemmas Answered)

Your friend sounds like a jerk. It is each of our individual responsibilities to avoid being scammed. When it's you versus a corporation, you do what you need to do. You need to ask yourself what you are willing to invest in this friendship. Is it finance? Is it emotion? Is it time? There is inevitably always going to be a situation where someone can't pay it back. Someone does something wrong. They don't play by your rules. And now you're like, I want my money back. The money isn't coming back. You might be the financial a-hole. What's up, rich friends? Welcome back to another episode of Net Worth and Chill with me, your host, Vivian Tu, aka your rich BFF and your favorite Wall Street girly. I'm back with round three of Am I the A-Hole? Finance edition. For anyone new here, here's what we do. We're taking those classic internet Am I the A-Hole dilemmas and cranking up the stakes with real money on the line. We're talking inheritance battles, relationship finances gone sideways, family loan disasters, basically every uncomfortable money conundrum you can think of. I'll be the judge if you were totally in the clear or completely an asshole. So today we're jumping into your latest batch of financial chaos and I'm here to deliver the verdict. Are you the a-hole in your money situation or are you completely justified? Trust me, some of these are going to spark some heated debates. Let's get into it. What's up y'all? I'm Skylar Diggins, seven-time WNBA All-Star, Olympic gold medalist, and mom. And I'm Cassidy Hubbard, host and reporter for nearly 20 years covering the biggest names and stories in sports and mom. And this is And Mom, a community for athletes, game changers, and moms of all kinds. Dropping May 14th. Tap in with us. Okay, so story number one. Upon getting married, my husband moved in with me. I'm a single mom, and he started a new job. I continued to pay all the household bills as I'd done thus far in my life. A few months in, I asked when he was planning to start contributing to household bills. He stated he couldn't afford any additional bills outside of the ones he paid, his truck payment and credit card payments. It's always a truck payment. I offered to pay off all of his credit card debt so that he could start contributing and we could be in a better place for future financial goals. Two weeks after I paid off all of his debt, he left and asked for a divorce, signed con artist husband. No, you're better than me. I would be in jail. I would be in prison. That's crazy. The verdict first off is you are not the a-hole. However, I do think you should have approached this financial situation with a lot more caution. I think that it is deeply problematic that your significant other at the time had all of this debt, the truck and the credit card payments, but it didn't seem like he had a clear plan on how to get them effectively paid off. I'm assuming even though you were putting payments toward the truck, that truck was entirely in his name. So you don't even own part of the truck. I think you were a victim of your own generosity. It is very alarming to me that he would take such advantage of you and then leave two weeks after you paid off all the debt. But I like to believe that there is some sort of karmic justice out there and hopefully he'll get what's coming to him. I am just so bummed because it sounds like you really were trying to get him to a financially stable place so that you could then build together. But I don't think that this man ever had any intention of building together with you. He wanted a mommy to take care of him and he wanted you to be all that and a side of chips. Not only were you going to have to be the breadwinner, but also the one doing all the unpaid labor at home, but also taking care of him financially. It's just icky to me. All I can say is I'm so sorry. You're not the a-hole, but please going forward in all of your relationships, you have to talk about the four key financial factors long before you're even close to thinking about marriage. You want to know what they make. So what is their annual income? What they have, aka what are their assets? What they owe. This is where we air out all the debts. And then what they spend, what are their monthly recurring expenses, just so you get a sense of what their lifestyle looks like and if, frankly, they can afford it. If you have that conversation and have the money conversation well in advance, you'll be in a much better spot the next go around. Story number two. I am refusing to withdraw my money from my Roth or 403B to move into me and my husband's emergency fund after multiple unexpected medical bills. We have one month in our emergency fund now, and I stopped working half a year ago to stay with our new baby, so I don't want to touch my retirement savings unless it's absolutely necessary. This doesn't seem like a necessity right now, and we don't expect similar medical expenses in the future because this time I will double check that my husband knows how to use his health insurance coverage and determine which kind of doctor is actually needed for his medical care. Eventually going to move towards teaching him how to fish, but for now, doing this to make sure my savings stay put. Signed. My monkey, my circus. So I will say in this case, I don't think you are an a-hole. However, there's always a however. I do think that medical expenses are a very unique conversation because it's not like your husband went out and retail therapy did up on your credit card or had gambling debt. Your husband got sick. Your husband got hurt in some case. And so I think there does need to be a little bit of grace given to him. Not understanding his benefits is unfortunately very common. As someone who's even, you know, very strong in their personal finances, there are times that I find medical benefits incredibly confusing to navigate just given how complex they can be, how many caveats there are, all of the different terms, making sure you understand what your premium is and what your deductible is and what your copay might end up being, it's complicated. And heaven forbid, after working all week and, you know, wanting to come home and relax, not only is your husband either sick or hurt, but now he's got to navigate all through this logistical stuff. I think both of you are decent people. But in this case, yes, you should take the financial reins if you feel like he is dropping the ball and in the future work together so that you both understand the explanation of benefits. So you both understand how the medical insurance works, the health insurance that you either get from your workplace or whatnot. In this case, I don't think there is a villain. It's just an unfortunate situation that does need to get managed. So for now, I would say prioritize understanding your medical benefits and beefing back up that emergency fund. And in the future, if you feel like you're stronger in this category of understanding health insurance and the finances around it, definitely sit down together and teach him what you can. Okay. Story number three. I took money out of my property, over $250,000, and lent it to my father to bail him out with the promise that he was going to pay. He hasn't. And now I'm losing my property because I couldn't pay that back and I don't know what to do. Signed, a loving daughter. This breaks my heart. Your father is the financial a-hole here, without a doubt. But I think a critical mistake that you made was lending money to family instead of just gifting. I am very anti-loan money to family because there is inevitably always going to be a situation where someone can't pay it back. Someone does something wrong. They don't play by your rules. They act up at Thanksgiving. And now you're like, I want my money back And in this case a worst case scenario the money isn coming back When When you set a budget every year for gifting you can give away what you comfortable so you can still be a loving daughter but you never put yourself in a precarious financial situation where your financial success is dependent on that person ability to repay It's a huge risk to take on. I'm so sorry about you potentially losing your property, but unfortunately, I don't have a great solution here. I'm curious if you've spoken to your father about what is available to him so that you guys perhaps might be able to perhaps refinance your mortgage, refinance whatever you probably did to get that home equity loan or what have you. If there's a way that you could be able to keep your house. But my big rule is we don't lend money to family. It just never works out. Story four. Growing up Asian, fighting over the check is basically cultural conditioning. Don't I know it? Somewhere along the way, I picked up the habit of putting my credit card out first without thinking too much about it. On this trip, my friend and I were taking turns paying here and there, but I wasn't tracking who paid more, as is normal. We had already agreed that everything would go into the money tracking app, so I assumed it would all even out in the end. After the trip, she told me, you pulled out your card more. I apologized and said I didn't realize because I thought we were fine just logging everything and settling up later. That's when she said she has credit card debt and didn't want to Venmo me. She wanted to put more expenses on her own card first. Signed, the girl who paid first. I'm so confused by this because what does her credit card debt have to do with her not wanting to Venmo you? If she's already in credit card debt and she wanted to put more expenses on her own card instead, that's the same situation. Your friend sounds like a financial a-hole. If it was discussed prior that everything was going to be split, I would get your money back. I don't know how you're going to be able to do that because some friends are just like that. And maybe you don't have this friend anymore. You might have to lose the friendship. But like it's crazy to me that she would say that she wouldn't pay you back just because you put your card down first. It doesn't matter who pays physically. It's about what is fair in the relationship. If you guys are already discussing how you'd be splitting this trip, then she is on the hook for what she owes you. It doesn't matter if she's paying you via Venmo or covering costs on her own credit card. And frankly, my guess is she made it up in her head that if she didn't pull out her card first, you would just end up paying. This sounds incredibly manipulative. Your friend sounds like a jerk. And I would not be friends with this person. Story number five. My BFF was supposed to get married abroad. I was asked to be her maid of honor. Details for the event were few and far between, but I went ahead and bought round trip tickets for me and my partner because I didn't want to pay so much for last minute tickets. It came out to be about a thousand dollars in total. Two months before the event, she tells us it's postponed. She offers to pay back tickets for two of us in the bridal party that had already bought our tickets. Fast forward almost six months and that offer has not been mentioned again. I haven't said anything because she has a new baby and her partner is unemployed and she is working an hourly job supporting the three of them. But I still fully expect a refund. I feel like unless I say something, it will seem like I'm OK with her not paying us back. Not the case. But if I say something, I'm a dick because money is tight for her right now. But my partner and I could also use our $1,000 for other expenses. She is also mentioned her sister believes there is no obligation to pay us back. Signed, a frustrated friend. So I think I'm going to need a lot more detail about this situation. Are the tickets non-refundable? Because if you could even get trip credit, maybe this is just something that could fund your vacation down the line and then you're not necessarily out the $1,000. I do think it's a little problematic that she agreed to pay you back and hasn't. Because once you say something in my world, like your word is your bond, you should keep to it. But like in theory, technically, when she asked you to be a maid of honor, you had the ability to say no. It was your decision to buy those flights early and not choose the refundable option. I personally don't think it's her responsibility to pay you back, to make you whole because of that. But if it was me in her position, I would. But that's because I'm in a financially more stable position. I think asking her right now to pay you back, knowing that she's under financial duress, isn't necessarily an a-hole thing. But it does come off as a little tone deaf. I would discuss with her what the situation is. Did you get trip credit? Because I don't think they can, the airline just took your money. My guess is you got trip credit. But maybe that's frustrating to you still. Perhaps she does something nice for you and you allow it to be water under the bridge. But I don't necessarily think it's her obligation to pay you for that expense. Your expenses to go to that wedding were your responsibility. It's unfortunate that that wedding was postponed. But my guess is it sounds like they couldn't afford the wedding, which is probably also eating away at her. I don't think she's trying to be a bad friend. I think it's just a tough situation. But in this case, I would say that if you really hounded her right now for the money, you would be the asshole in the situation. OK, story number six. Am I the financial a-hole for asking my friend to repay me $250 after she was hacked and I got scammed? Someone hacked her Instagram account and DMed me asking for money because she was behind on rent and facing eviction. At the time, we'd both recently left the toxic job where we met but still stayed in touch. Her new opportunity hadn't panned out and she was back on the job market. I also knew her boyfriend was out of work due to instability in his industry. I really felt for her, especially since she has pets and no family support. Meanwhile, I was able to fall back on some savings while still living at home. I sent her the money since she promised to pay me back the following week once she got her paycheck. Turns out it was a scam and my bank just shrugged when I reported it. I asked my friend to repay me the $250 I shared in good faith and she said she couldn't afford to. Now we don't talk and it's extremely awkward. Do I keep asking her to pay me or accept that I got screwed? Signed, a gullible coworker. I have bad news. You are the financial a-hole in this situation. It is each of our individual responsibilities to avoid being scammed. Imagine this, okay? And this has literally happened. This has happened on daytime television. If you got a DM from Steve Harvey and Steve Harvey was like, yeah, I'm so into you. You know, we're in a romantic relationship now. Can you send me $250? And you sent $250 to the scammer who was pretending to be Steve Harvey. At no point would any judge or lawyer or anybody be like, yeah, the real Steve Harvey owes you $250. Your friend did not scam you. You got scammed by someone else. And your friend never even saw that $250. It is not her responsibility to give you that money. Like, you didn't give her that money. She never got it. It is, however, your responsibility to be media literate. It is your responsibility to protect your own finances. It is so important that we do not fall for Venmo scams, that we are double checking, triple checking with friends, calling them on their phone numbers, hanging up, calling them directly, doing everything to make sure that we are not getting into these kinds of scams. However, as someone who has dozens of people impersonating me, I get emails and DMs all the time that are like, you scammed me. No, I didn't. You got scammed by someone pretending to be me. But people pretend to be celebrities all the time. And you should not be sending them money. I will never ask you for money. I will never ask to contact you on Telegram. I will never ask for your information. No, your friend did not ask you for that money. a scammer did and you fell for it. I am sorry that sucks However it not your friend responsibility to pay you And the fact that you outlined all of the reasons why she might not be able to she in between jobs Her husband or her boyfriend was facing instability in his industry She had to, you know, like rely on herself, didn't have any family to fall back on. And then you're still asking this question makes me feel like in this situation, unfortunately, you might be the financial a-hole. It is our responsibility to not get scammed. It doesn't fall on our friends to bail us out. when we do. too far. You go, why? Because the Sadie Hawkins dance happened? Maybe a filmmaker. Since leaving that show, I'm challenged to sparing. I just kind of hang out and try to do stuff. You're the one with the charmed life. Could be a politician, basically anyone who responds to my cold DMs. We're recording the whole thing in a beautiful studio, so yes, you can watch it on YouTube or you can listen wherever you get your podcasts. This is not the place to get the news, but it is the place to feel a little better about it. That Sounds Like A Lot, part of the Vox Media Podcast Network. Story seven. When purchasing a home, I was denied by the bank that accepted me to work there in the first place and finally went back to their competition who hired me later on. Am I the financial a-hole? Signed, banking out. First off, when dealing with a corporation, you can never be the financial a-hole. I just want to make that very, very clear. There is no such thing as loyalty among thieves. There is no loyalty when it comes to corporate America. To your exact point, even though you got a job at that bank, they still denied you for that mortgage. You are allowed to work for their competition. You are allowed to go to their number one competitor. You are allowed to use the knowledge that you learned in your role to then help make that competition better. You need to look out for you. I truly don't ever think that you can be the financial a-hole when you are dealing with a corporation because corporations are always going to do what is right by them. It is either going to make financial sense. It is going to make marketing sense. It's going to make PR sense for them. to do something. If it does not make sense, they will kick you to the curb. They will not help you. They don't care. They are for profit. The only people they care about, not their customers. No, no, no, no. The only people they care about are their shareholders. And if this company is a public company, which I'm guessing it is because you said it's a bank, they are legally obligated. Their one job is to create shareholder value. It is to make money and make their stock price go up. You are not the a-hole. Please, please, please always remember that. When it's you versus a corporation, you do what you need to do. Story number eight. My husband owes me $26,000, but I'm the asshole apparently for holding him accountable and cutting him off. Signed, Bank of Wifey. You're not the financial a-hole here. I don't even know what the situation is. But one, why are you lending money to your husband? What for? But two, if it's your money, then yeah, at any point you can cut them off. That's your money. That is why I think it's so important for all people, especially when you have a spouse, to still have your own money. Your husband should have his own money. You should have your own money and you should have ours money that goes towards joint expenses. But like if your husband is using you as a personal bank, that doesn't seem very husbandly. That feels like a leech. So I would say you are not the financial a-hole, but you need to have a real serious conversation about what's going on, why he needs the money, what he's using it for. Is it going to benefit you as a couple? And frankly, if you can't get any good answers, this would honestly be grounds for divorce for me. Story nine. I wanted to help our daughters buy real estate when they were 20, 22, 26. And the real estate mortgage interest rate was 2%. Okay. My husband and I could make the smallest down payment and get them started until they graduated from college. also debt-free due to our advanced planning VA 529s and scholarships. Wow, congrats. And they sought places of their own. They could rent to use and gradually pay us back incrementally and we could flip the property ownership to them. Long story short, six years later, mortgage prices are not 2% and all three daughters have separately paid four, five, and seven years of rent to someone else and their monthly rent is more than what our PITI, principal, interest, taxes, and insurance would have been. Am I the jerk? Because now these same daughters are resentful dad and I wouldn't buy them cars. They want to have a simple lifestyle, just hair, makeup, and glam travel. We did not raise them like this. Disciplined lifestyles, paid for their own cell phones, and plans at 16 kind of parenting. What gives? How can I change this? They actually resent me? Unbelievable. Signed, duped mom, tenant landlord, or real estate fairy godmother. This is so such a bummer for me because I don't think your daughters appreciated the absolute gift you were trying to give them. It sounds like you wanted to buy them houses and they didn't want more modest homes. They wanted to live in probably nicer units and rent and, you know, the floor to ceiling windows, whatever. But it's a little late now and mortgage rates are now closer to six, seven percent. So the places that you could probably afford then, you may not even be able to afford now. And now they're asking you to spend your money differently. For me, you are not the financial a-hole, but I do think you need to have a real conversation with your daughters about finances. If they choose to continue to spend their money in a way that is undesirable to you, something that you could share is like, you're a person. I cannot control what you are doing. You guys are all adults now. However, I'm not going to let you basically piss away my hard work, the money that I've saved, the money that I wanted to be used responsibly. And what you and your husband can do is actually set up your estate plan so that that money goes towards the generation after them. Maybe it goes to grandkids that will need a college fund and need money to be able to pay for an apartment or something like that. You are the holder of the purse. Your kids are coming to you as grown adults asking for money. I think it's a little icky, especially because they essentially spat in your face and rejected a gift that you were trying to give them then. At the end of the day, this is a family affair. You're going to want to have a conversation with your daughters. And I would be really, really clear in your will of how that money gets distributed, to whom, when, what for, and all of it being held in trust. That way it's very, very clear what your wishes are. You don't want them to fight over the money. You don't want them to resent you. But like at the end of the day, they're grownups. They are not children anymore. You are going to have to either try and get through to them or show them real consequences for not being financially responsible. It can also potentially just be a phase. Your daughters are still very young. They're all younger than me. And if I'm honest, I spent my money and made a bunch of bad decisions around that age too. Perhaps it just requires a little bit of life to really show them what their true priorities should be. Story 10. A friend gave birth and started a meal train, but didn't really want people to bring food, just wanted people to buy them gift cards and asked me to send it to people for her. Her husband is getting six months paid leave. They bought their second multi-unit rental property a couple months ago, and her well-to-do parents live a couple blocks away. Emma the asshole for thinking they should be able to buy their own food instead of asking friends to feed them when they chose to have this baby and are more than financially capable of feeding themselves. Or should I just cough up the for a gift card and shut the F up I already gone out of state for her batch trip spent money to be in her wedding spent on a baby shower gift When does it end Signed, single AF and annoyed. I am already weirded out by the concept of a meal train because I maybe have dietary restrictions and I don't want to eat other people's food. But I also have no expectation that my life decisions would require them to put themselves out or take care of me. What I think you can do is speak to her candidly and be like, listen, I am so overjoyed that you and your spouse have just had a baby. That said, I'm not in a financial position to do this right now. More than happy to cook something at home for you and bring it over. But $100 on a gift card is not in the cards for me right now. And just see what she says. If she is then like, oh, I don't want your food. You should just send me a gift card. It sounds like she's not a very good friend and she just wants money. If she's understanding, maybe she was just trying to be accommodating to others and not put you out of your way to make something. There's a lot of things that can get lost in translation. But ultimately, to your exact point, like you've already spent a bunch of money on this person. You need to ask yourself what you are willing to invest in this friendship and what exactly does that look like? Is it finance? Is it emotion? Is it time? Perhaps you can offer to go over and watch the baby for a little bit. Maybe even hold the baby so that she can go take a shower. Maybe it's you are there and able to drive her to a doctor's appointment so that her husband can sleep a little extra. You can do kind things that don't necessarily cost you an arm and a leg and still be a great friend. But this is a moment where you need to figure out, does your friend see you as a person or does she see you as an ATM? Story 11. Mom called me to ask me to start paying back my Parent PLUS loans. She said it was $4,500. I said, OK, no problem. Then she called me a week later and said, whoops, I missed a zero. It's actually $45,000. That was three years ago, and I have not covered a single payment so far. FYI, loan is not delinquent. Parents are paying. Signed, Miss Misled. I don't think you are the financial a-hole, and neither is your mom. But I do think you would be the financial a-hole if you did not necessarily take on part of the responsibility and help your parents if that's something that they're asking of you. I think it's a little naive that you thought that, you know, you know what type of school you went to. You know what it generally costs. If you didn't realize that the loan was $45,000 and you thought it was $4,500, that might have been a little naive. On top of that, I think the expectation is that, like, they took out a Parent PLUS loan. They are helping you cover your schooling. That's wonderful. That's so kind of them. But if they're now asking for a little bit of help, I don't think that's unheard of. And I don't think that's like so extraordinary and, you know, out of line. I think those loans are something that you two should discuss or I guess the three of you should discuss so that you can be helpful and, you know, allow them to still help you. It sounds like that's something that they want to do anyway. But ultimately, I think this is just a miscommunication, but you are just going to have to swallow it because if the number is truly 45,000, it's not going to suddenly turn into 4,500 just because your mom misquoted it. Story number 12. Five of us girlies planned an August-September Europe trip. One friend was unsure due to a career process but stayed involved. We spent hours researching and booked backup Airbnbs for both four and five people, all with free cancellation. She confirmed in July, paid in full to me, and booked activities. So we canceled the four-person backups. Two weeks before the trip, she backed out when her process resumed. We understand it's important, but now we're stuck with expensive slash worse accommodations. Our backups were gone and remaining options sucked. More hours searching. I explained we'd planned around her uncertainty and asked if she could help cover the difference if we couldn't rebook a decent alternative. She got upset and said I was pressuring her to choose the trip over her career and wasn't on her team. She implied I can cover it since I can afford it and said she offered a payment plan if anyone couldn't. It's $180 per person, not huge, but frustrating after all the time we spent accommodating her situation and picking accommodations for our budgets. Am I the financial asshole for asking her to cover her share of the increased cost? Signed, overconsiderate Virgo. No, your friend sounds like a jerk. If you know that you are going to be left up to chance, you should tell your friends to move forward without you. I am in a very similar situation. One of my girlfriends, one of my closest girlfriends is having a bachelorette, but I'm not 100% confident whether or not I'll be able to attend based on some work stuff and based on some travel I have. So I've told them to move forward as if I am not going to be participating. In the last minute, if I can participate, if we're lucky, I will maybe just get a hotel room nearby or I'll try to join in on certain parts of it. I will be there. However, that is my responsibility for her to make you guys plan around her and then not cover the cost, even though she has to back out last minute, I think is a little crappy. And then to say, oh, I can offer a payment plan. Well, there wouldn't need to be a payment plan if you had just been more honest about the process. Like if something could pop up, you should be aware of that. So I would say talk to her. See if you're still like if you even want to be friends with this person anymore. But like I would say this is a situation where like the best end result probably is splitting the difference. She covers half of what she was planning on covering. And then you guys have to eat the rest. $90 per person. Everybody leaves unhappy. Everybody leaves a little happy. And that's how a good like compromise works. And last story of today. I have a group of friends and we will take turns getting birthday presents for each other. I know it's mainly the thought that counts. But costs have been roughly around $100 for each gift. We most recently are discussing getting a gift for a friend that is double the usual budget of roughly $100. Am I the asshole for thinking it's not as fair? Signed, Cheap Friend. So I don't think it's unfair of you to be thinking this. However, my question is, do you think that the budget for the gifts is rising as people's budgets are rising? And in the same vein, is your budget rising? Maybe everybody in the group has recently gotten a promotion or leveled up in what they can afford. Maybe the group is naturally thinking that they can go a little bit bigger. I don't think you are an a-hole, but I do think you should talk to the group and say, hey guys, know we normally try to go for gifts that are roughly $100. In this case, it's double that. Is this something that we're gonna try and do going forward? Or is there a way that we are able to get a gift that's closer to the normal range as that's something that's a little bit more comfortable in my budget? Make it an I statement, not a you statement so it doesn't feel like an attack. My guess is you guys are looking at something that this girl has actively said she really wants. And that's why it's such a clear choice of what the gift should be. But if this is something that's going to cause resentment in your friend group, I would address it. I think most financial issues can be addressed by talking about it head on. And when you do that, you're gonna just be able to build a tighter knit friend group anyway. I think this is certainly not something that is done maliciously, but have the conversation, see what's possible and figure it out from there. So wow, I feel like the more I do this on the pod, the more unhinged the stories get. But I hope these stories reminded you that you are definitely not alone in navigating tricky money situations. Whether you're dealing with boundary-pushing family members, a cheating partner, or just trying to figure out if you're being reasonable with your own cash, we've all been there to some capacity. We don't learn about money or money etiquette in school, so it can be hard to unpack a situation you might find yourself in. And that, my friend, is why we discuss who is actually the true financial a-hole. Catch you guys next week. Bye. Thanks for tuning into this week's episode of Net Worth and Chill, part of the Vox Media Podcast Network. If you liked the episode, make sure to leave a rating and review and subscribe so you never miss an episode. Got a burning financial question that you want covered in a future episode? Write to us via podcast at yourrichbff.com. Follow Net Worth and Chill Pod on Instagram to stay up to date on all podcast related news. And you can follow me at yourrichbff for even more financial know-how. See you next week. Bye. Thank you.