You Aren’t the Thing You Did: Breaking the Shame Cycle

I had very open conversations with my kids when they got older about sex to the point that I grossed them out all the time. But I was like, they were trapped in a car. And I'm like, guess what we're going to talk about? You don't have to overhaul your whole life in 2026 to feel better. Sometimes it starts with something as simple as your snacks. That's why I love masa chips. You guys, they are so good. They become one of my favorite pantry snacks because they're made with real intentional ingredients. Just three of them. Organic, nixtamalized corn, sea salt, and 100% grass-fed beef tallow. That's it. No seed oils, no mystery chemicals, just real food. And they don't just sound good. They taste incredible. Snacking on masa feels completely different than regular chips. I feel satisfied, light, and energized. No crash, no bloating, no sluggish feeling afterward, because they're made with real food and they're more filling. And so I'm not mindlessly reaching for another bag. 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On YouTube, click below to subscribe, then tap the bell so you will never miss an episode. Come join us. hi Madison hi I feel like we've gotten so close today I know we have it's been it's been a great time we are actually halfway through right now halfway through halfway through your book been I've gotten to know you pretty well I love it I love because you're my daughter's friend but now you're becoming my friend. I know. It's truly been the best. Well, thanks. I'm so glad that you're here. I thought we would start with a couple of fun questions today. I want to know because I love fashion and have been on television for 40 plus years and have had a few terrible moments in my life. And I was thinking about you being on The Bachelor. Did you have any bad fashion TV moments? I'm not remembering any particular fashion moments. Okay. But I'm remembering that I had some bad hair moments. Oh, I've had those too. Because listen, I have half extensions. Like my hair is half extension, half real hair. And on The Bachelor before now, I have a great hairstylist, but before I might, listen, the hair was not matching. No. Half of my hair was red and like half of my hair was brown. So there's a few moments on the show where the sunlight is hitting my hair and you see such a clear like difference and it's just not cute. So hard being a girl sometimes, isn't it? And the spray tan. I definitely had a moment where I went a little too hardcore on the, uh, the self-tanner. I've had those too. I think I recently, there's some, there's some, uh, website that just hates me. And so they constantly talk about all my bad fashion moments over my life or bad makeup and hair moments. And so, yeah, on a recent one, they were like, why am I the orange woman? Not the orange man, the orange woman. The orange woman. Okay, great. Love this for me. Thanks. Well, it's I don't know. It's always fun to share embarrassing moments that hopefully those didn't cause you real shame. But we are going to talk about shame today in a more serious tone. And it is a vulnerable thing to talk about. And last week we talked about sin. And oftentimes when we're in sin, it can lead to shame. but I just realized before we get into our conversation, we're going to start with a listener question. Oh, yes. We got one. This one's from Caprice. I have a three-year-old daughter and a three-month-old son. At what age do I talk to them about their bodies and how do I let them know they have private areas without awakening sexual curiosity? I was never talked to about this and didn't have any knowledge about anything, which I feel failed me in many ways. And I want to save them from the things that I went through, but protect their innocence as well. Well, Caprice, you just sound like a great mom right there, just asking the question and wanting to protect their innocence, but have agency over their body and understand what belongs to them and how God made them and all the things. And I know it can be, it's a funny thing as a parent to have these conversations and then depending on what age your kids are, because Madison, your daughter's not even, well, she just turned a year. Yeah. She just, so you're not having these conversations yet. No. Um, did you have, did your parents have these conversations with you? Yes. I remember going through this like little book with my mom and it was a, like, I don't even know how to explain it. I mean, it was very much made for like young girls kind of between the age, like 10, 15. And, um, it was these cute little pictures of girl, like not real life photos. Um, and yeah. And it just kind of explained like, this is your body and this is what the parts are. And this is why they're there. And this is what they're useful for. And it was through a biblical lens. And so kind of taking you through like, this is why God created. And that was super helpful. I do remember feeling super uncomfortable and of course it's, it feels awkward. It is awkward. Um, so yeah, I mean, I, but I do think that it was definitely addressed with, with my family. And it's one of those things that I think is, is awkward, but also I think the least awkward you can make it the better. And so if you just go into it, like very much like, yes, this is the way God, like everything God designed was with intention and with purpose and with beauty. And this is why God created you this way. And this is what your body was created for. And just explaining it that way. I think when the parent feels awkward, then the child will feel awkward, you know? Yeah. So even if you got to fake it till you make it a little bit. Totally. I agree. So I did go through this obviously with all, all three of my kids and I never really my parents didn give me the talk and I am the baby of four I think they did that to my brother and maybe one of my sisters or two And then they just kind of forgot about me You know what I mean They like she going to learn But I too did the same thing when my kids were younger. Although I failed to do it with my youngest, which I still hear about it to this day. Mom, you never even told me anything. He still just, you know, teases me for it. But I had too bought books. Your mom and I probably went to the same shop. It was probably the same book. It probably was. But I actually looked this up because I really appreciated these books. They were written a few decades ago, but I did see that there is a reprint in 2019. And they had sold over a million copies. So it really was a really good book. And it is called God's Design for Sex Series. And there are five books in that series. So they start from ages three up to 16. Wow. And it was, it was a picture book, but it was very soft paintings of people, of bodies. And it explained it in a way that was anatomical, didn't feel weird. It was very age appropriate. And again, they're five different series depending on where your kids were. But I remember reading probably the first and second one when they were younger. And that just helped me share, this is how a baby's made. And this is what mommies and daddies do. And then what our bodies are. And then I agree. I had very open conversations with my kids when they got older about sex to the point that I grossed them out all the time. But I was like, they were trapped in a car. And I'm like, guess what we're going to talk about? You can't escape. You can't escape. And I kind of loved talking about that with them because I wanted them to know that it was safe. Yeah. Even though it's not that I was super comfortable talking about it, but I made it as fun as possible. And like I was comfortable talking about it just so there would be no embarrassment or shame in those conversations. Because I think that shame can start very much with that if we're not really told about our bodies and how they function, how they work, what they're made for, how God views them. When there's a misunderstanding there, that can very much develop our view of shame and when we feel that way in life. So diving into our conversation today, are you willing to share with us a point of shame in your life or what connected you with those feelings? Yeah. Yeah. And just to kind of tackle onto what you were saying as well, I think that what we don't realize as parents, like the Lord has entrusted these children to us. And if we don't disciple our kids with the word of God, they will be discipled by the world. And so knowing that someone is going to be shaping their mindset and view of how they see themselves, of how they treat their bodies, of how they view their sexuality, of how they view their identity. I mean, and so it's, it's, it is such a responsibility and a gift that we get to, um, disciple our kids in, and maybe it feels a little uncomfortable or awkward, but just treating that as such a gift and responsibility that it is our job to disciple our greatest ministry is in our home. And so discipling our, our kids in that way. Um, and I'm saying that now with my daughter being one, so circle back when she's, when it's time to have that talk. But, uh, I did want to just touch on that. Yeah. I think that a big part of, of my journey when shame started creeping in, I mean, there was a lot growing up, like little moments of, you know, I had a bedwetting problem for a really long time. I mean, it lingered a little too long. And so I was like the, you know, eight, nine year old who was really scared to have sleepovers because I would sometimes wet the bed because I would have these dreams that I'm using the bathroom and I'm was obviously not using the bathroom, but it would happen in my dreams. And then I would wake up and I'd be so ashamed. and what shame does is it doesn't attach itself to the circumstance. It actually makes it about you. And so for example, if I would wet the bed as an eight or nine year old, I wouldn't think, gosh, I feel bad that I wet the bed. It was more like, I am such a disgusting person. Like, how can I do this? This is nobody else struggles with this. This is weird. This is crazy. I'm alone in this struggle. Um, no one's ever going to want to invite me over to a sleepover again. And so then it makes you want to isolate yourself and hide yourself. And then growing up and getting older, where that started creeping in again in my life was around 13, 14. I got introduced to pornography at a young age by a friend. And that started a long journey and battle for me with porn and masturbation. And that created a lot of shame and secrecy in my life. I lived my life very much in this, you know, I have like I'm saving myself for marriage. I have my virgin card. I'm following God. And on the outside, it looked like everything was fine. But behind closed doors, I was living this double life of living in constant secret sin, secret sexual sin, and not confessing it to anybody, which only led to more sin and more shame. And it felt like this never-ending cycle that I didn't know how to get out of. And that continued on really throughout my high school journey. and it wasn't until college when I really confessed that sin and the shame that I was feeling attached to that sin for the first time where I got free from it. And I finally was able to break free from that addiction and that cycle. And I think a lot of times we think with our sin that if we confess it or we finally tell someone about it, they'll judge us, they'll think we're gross, they'll think we're a bad Christian. Well, if we say that, maybe they won't wanna be my friend anymore. but really as soon as I brought that into the light, it was like that grip that Satan had on my life broke off and immediately I felt lighter. I felt freer. It was the opposite of the lies that Satan was whispering in my mind that if I confess it, I'm going to be seen in this really negative bad light. And I talk about in my book that to kill shame is to confess shame. It's to confess it. It's to say, Hey, the enemy's kingdom is one of darkness. And I've been keeping this in the dark for too long, but the Lord's kingdom is one of light. And I'm going to bring this into the light. I got to, I got to get this out there. I got to tell somebody. And what you'll notice is most of the time when you share that secret sin or that shameful thing that maybe you didn't even do, maybe it was done to you and it's been holding you back for so long. And you finally confess that to somebody, you know, whether it's a porn addiction or an abortion or, you know, something that someone took advantage of you. I think a lot of times it is equated to sexuality, not always, but a lot of times and confessing that thing immediately, you feel this relief and you feel this freedom. And so that was really what that journey was like for me. And even to this day, like having moments of shame popping back up and it just immediately just confess it and get it into the light and share it with a friend. But it can be a scary thing to do. Like, have you ever been in that position? It is. Where you've had to like confess something or share something that you're like, I'm so scared to tell someone this. Absolutely. The easiest thing that comes to mind is being a bulimic and hiding that for so long and for several years and living with my husband and hiding it from him. We're in the same house. And the day I was like, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Or it, like, I have tears coming to my eyes because it's so embarrassing. Like, it's shame. It does make you want to hide and isolate yourself. And yet the bravest thing you can do is confess it. And so when I took a deep breath and walked over to him and I'm like, can you sit down? Because I got to tell you something. There was such relief. And not to my surprise, because I have an awesome husband, but it was met with such compassion. And I don't know why I was thinking that if I ever told anyone they would say to me how dare you How dare you treat your body that way You gross You disgusting How could you even think of doing that? What kind of person would do that? And yet it's very rarely met with that, especially if you're going to a friend, a parent, a counselor, a teacher, someone that you respect and trust. And so when that confession was there And my husband was like, how can I help you? Like, just hug me and held me. And like, I'm going to help you through this. It felt like such relief and the ability to be able to take the next step forward. Grand Canyon University, an affordable, private Christian university based in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona, is one of the largest universities in the country. Praised for its culture of community and impact, GCU integrates the free market system, a welcoming Christian worldview and free and open discourse into 369 academic programs with over 300 online. Join a nationwide community of learners redefining what online education looks like through academically rigorous, industry-driven programs that can spark bold ideas and prepare you for a future that matters. 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And this one is wholesome, it's charming, it's hopeful, everything you want a rom-com to be. So grab your spouse, grab your friends, your kids, and go see Solo Mio in theaters February 6th. Let's choose joy and choose good stories. Purchase tickets at angel.com forward slash Candice. There's so many small choices we make every day that quietly shape the life we're building. One of those choices is where we choose to bank. I recently learned about 316 Financial, an online bank that gives 10% of its profits back to faith-based ministries, and I love that. It's a simple, everyday decision that can make a meaningful impact behind the scenes. And the accounts themselves are really solid. No monthly fees, free ATM access nationwide, and competitive interest. Right now, when you open a 316 Financial savings account, and keep an average balance of $5,000 for 90 days, they'll add $250 to your account. You can learn more at bank316.com forward slash Candice. And be sure to use the promo code Candice when you open your account. Banking services are provided by 316 Financial, a division of Premise Bank, member FDIC. Deposit accounts can be opened with as little as $1. And vulnerability breeds vulnerability when you go first and you share that really hard thing with someone, what so often typically happens is they share something right back with you. And I've even seen that today in my life is I share that really hard thing and, um, or I share a lie I'm believing and a friend immediately responds back with, okay, wait, now I need to confess something. And it's, it's really, and it's so beautiful. I love that you shared that part of your, your story because it's also, it can bring freedom to other people to know they're not alone in their own struggle. Because I'm sure as you've opened up and shared with more people about your struggle with that in the past, that has brought, I think, a courage to a lot of people to be able to do that now, to share the thing or to confess the thing that has been really hard for them or kept hidden for so long. And that's what I've seen too with my confession and opening up about my past and struggle with pornography and masturbation. There's been so many people, so many females that have come forward and say, I thought I was the only one. I thought that, you know, I was dirty and gross and, you know, that I was, that girls don't struggle with this, that this was just a guy problem. And so many girls in the church and Christian. It's true though. A lot of women, I don't hear many women talk about that as a struggle, but we do know it's certainly there. So for, for you to, to openly share that, I can only imagine that it was this gateway for other women to feel safe enough that they could admit it to and talk about it and ask for help. And you know, it's so interesting how we we've continued going back to, you know, the garden and looking at Genesis three and seeing that the enemy approached Eve with this temptation, with this lie, and she fell for the sin, but she didn't get what was promised. You know, what was promised was pleasure and power, but what it led to was shame. And that's what so often happens is that we turn to this vice or we turn to this escape, or we turn to this pleasure thinking it's going to deliver what the enemy says it's going to give you. And every single time it, you always feel the shame. You feel the regret. You feel, um, how, how could I have done that? Why did I do that? And then it's so often just continues to be this cycle until, you know, we, we break it until we confess it until we bring it into the light, confessing it to God and confessing it to godly community. And then what happens is after we're in that cycle of shame, after we fall for that temptation and that sin, then the enemy quickly turns to the accuser. And it's like, how could you do that? How could you do that? Maddie, how could you watch that? You say you're a Christian. You're watching things that Christians shouldn't be watching. Oh, and now you're not going to tell anybody? No one would ever want to be your friend. No one would ever listen to what you have to say. You don't have the authority to talk about God's word. You can't do this and do, and you start believing these lies. And then he becomes accuser and starts attacking. And I just saw that to be so true in my life. And as he wanted to remind me, he wanted to tell me like, I'm identified by my mistakes and by my sin and by my shame. But I've just been reminded that now I'm being free from it. No, no, no. I'm not identified by my scars. Like I'm identified by Jesus's scars and by the price that he paid to set me free. And what has that been like for you with now stepping into this thing that you are free from, that you no longer are stuck in anymore. But do you have those moments of being reminded of your past and shame creeps up or you start hearing the enemy's lies again? All the time. And that particular, for me, what was that sin in my life? It's never really left me. It's gotten a whole lot easier though to kind of battle through. But it's like I have my weapons of war. Like I know that when those thoughts creep into my mind, I know how to handle it and how to ward them off because it's not a part of my life anymore. And I don't want it to be a part of my life. And I've chosen and determined for it not to be. But it doesn't mean the thoughts don't still cross my mind. I just have the power to slay it. You know, I have the power in Christ to slay it because I invited him into that. So who were the people that you trusted that helped you break free and confess it? Yeah. I found a girl in a small group. I did not know her that well. And now she fast forward was in my wedding We still really good friends to this day And I looked at her and I shared things with her that I had never told anyone before that I you know maybe told myself I will never tell anybody this ever I can tell anybody this and told her those things. And she just looked at me and cried and was like, I've struggled with those things too. Now let's hold each other accountable. And I just remember feeling so like, wow, I can't believe I carried that for so long. And I didn't even have to, like, I could have, like, you're telling me this is what I would have felt like forever ago if I had confessed it. And it's such a lie of the enemy to keep us bound. Like if, if the sin wasn't, you know, bad enough, it's like, then the shame follows. And then that leads to like separation from God and separation from people. And it's the same cycle of like Satan's lie, which then leads to sin, which then leads to shame, which then leads to separation from God and godly people. And it's the same cycle that continues again and again. And I just, I saw that for what it was. As soon as I confessed it, I'm like, man, that's all I had to do. You're telling me. Cause like for so long leading up to that moment, I had had so many moments with the Lord being like, Lord, I will never go back to this again. I promise I'm done. I won't go back again. Like, give me your strength, help me to resist it. I can, I'm strong enough. I can do it. And then I would fall again. And then I would beat myself up and I'd be so mad and be so upset. And it's because when we continue trying to like wrestle with those things alone, like we don't have what it takes to like do those things alone, but when we confess it, bring it into the light and then bring in godly community to hold us accountable in it. It's crazy what happens in those moments. Like as soon as you bring it into the light. I mean, is that how you felt when you confess that to Val? Yeah, I did. And then it was similar to yours. I then had a friend that or a person that was recommended to me that said, I know they've gone through this. Can I connect you with this person? And I talked to her. Oh, goodness. It was over 20 years ago and we're still friends today. Wow. Our boys end up playing hockey on the same team, like in high school. We don't even live in the same state. That's crazy. We've just always been connected and even recently have stayed connected on that level where she had called me not long ago. And because of the podcast season that I had with Lisa Whittle, again, we talked about whole body theology. And she called me and she said, you know, I was, I don't even know why, but I was creeping back into some old habits and I didn't really think a thing about it. And then your podcast came up on Facebook and I saw your face and I saw you talking about your struggles. And I can't believe that over 20 years ago I was ministering to you and now you're ministering to me. even though you don't, you didn't realize it, but she called me and I was like, great, let's do the Bible study together. And we are, you know, and that's just how it works. It's that the accountability is incredible. It means everything. It's so true. And, and reminding yourself to Romans eight, one says, therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, that when we confess those things, it says in first John that when we confess he is righteous and will forgive us of our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. And so as soon as we confess those things to God, and then we confess to godly community, I think that's the piece that is missing for so many people and things stay hidden. But it talks about in that James 5, 16 verse that when you confess, that's where you find healing when you confess to other godly community. And so when we confess to God, we find forgiveness and we're forgiven. But when we confess to godly community, that's where we find freedom. That's where we get free. It's true. But you really have to believe it. I think that is a struggle, at least for me. I don't know if it is for you, but a lot of people that you can read the scriptures and say, if I confess, I'm forgiven. But how many of us actually believe that and don't continue to replay the lies in our head. And so there, I don't know how to tell people to believe it because I'm still learning this lesson myself that how many times have I gone back and just said, God, I'm so sorry. Like, I'm so sorry I did that. And I'm like, why am I asking for forgiveness again? I've been forgiven. I've confessed it. I am forgiven, but I have to believe it myself. It's not a perpetual cycle that I need to stay in a mindset of, of like habitual repentance over the same sin that I've already confessed. At some point I need to believe God at his word. I'm forgiven. Yeah. Yeah. Amen. You are forgiven. You are set free. And now it's our mission when you've been forgiven and set free to go and set other people free and share your story in a way of, you know, you're not above like are susceptible to like not fall into those things again. And so you still stay in the word of God. You stay in godly community. You repent and continuously and confess at the thought level, but you don't beat yourself up over it because Jesus has set you free from it. But then you boast in it because it can help other people and their journey and story, just as you're talking about with your friend, which is so beautiful how that like came back full circle. But we have no idea how much our, you know, it talks about in Revelation that the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony is how we overcome. And so reminding ourselves that we only overcome by the blood of Jesus Christ. And then the way that he set us free can really lead to other people getting set free and helping them overcome too. Yeah, that's so good. Okay, it's that time for our listener question. This is from Brenna. She writes, I lived a very promiscuous young adult life, which was the result of trauma that I went through my childhood and early adult life that I did not get help for until later in life. This style led me to even more trauma. As I've gotten back into my faith as a Christian the last two years, I have sought help for the trauma, but I can't help but feel immense regret, shame, and embarrassment, not just because of the lifestyle I led, but about my body in general. I feel disgusted by my own body and the disrespect I showed it. How do I overcome this? I just would speak Romans 8, 1 over you and say, therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Your body is made new. Your mind is made new. Your heart is made new. And truly believing that and giving that to God. You have to believe it. You have to take God for his word. He says it. You're free from it. you've been forgiven and you have to believe it. And the thing is you get to respect your body now. Yeah. Amen. You get to show respect for your body. So take care of it. Love on it. It probably, you've probably beat yourself up mentally, verbally in all the ways. I'm like, treat it how, treat it now how you would want it to be treated. Show it all of the love and kindness that you possibly can. Yeah. Amen. And remember the difference between shame and conviction. Conviction calls us higher, but shame drags us down and brings us lower. Shame separates us from God, but convictions makes us want to run toward God. And so you can have a conviction of not wanting to fall back into that same sin pattern, but don't let it be shame that makes you want to run and hide from God because he's, he's running after you and he loves you. And he He wants to use your story and use your past to bring him glory. Yeah. Amen. Amen. All right, guys, that's it for this week, but we're coming back next week. And there is so much more from where this came from. So go grab the Dare to be True Guide at Candice.com. It's our free gift that goes with this season and Madison's book. Have a question that you want answered in the future? There's a got question button at Candice.com as well. And don't forget, the Together community is a place for private podcast chats, daily encouragement, and a monthly live stream. That's at Candice.com forward slash together. Until next time, be grateful all day, every day. Candy Rock Entertainment. All rights reserved. Thank you.