272 - Horoscopes

Hi, all it is Jeffrey Crainer and I'm here to let you know that welcome to Night Vale is coming to Europe just for a little bit. May 27th through the 30th, 20th, 26th, we will be in Edinburgh, Manchester, London and Amsterdam in that order. So if you live over there, get your tickets. They are on sale. Now we're so excited to bring this newest live show Murder Night in Blood Forest to Europe to the UK. It's so much fun to get back there and to keep doing this show because it is such a fun show to do and to see. So Europe, we will see you at the end of May. Tickets are available at welcometonightvail.com slash live. Oh, and if you like other welcome to nightvail things beyond just the podcast and live show, we also have the nightvail tabletop role-playing game. It's available in stores wherever you get your games. This RPG was created by Renegade Games with collaboration with me and Joseph and Bri, the writers of Nightvail. It's quirky, it's spooky, it's fun, you know, just like this show. So if you ever wanted to be a character in Night Vale and do freaky adventures there, then get on this. You can get the nightvail tabletop RPG wherever you get your games. Okay, let's get on to the episode and hey, thanks. Call me old-fashioned, but the big bang should never have happened. Welcome to Nightvail. . It's the dog days of summer listeners. Soon it will be the iguana days of autumn and then the cockatiel days of winter before finally we get to the tarantula days of spring. A year is a long time and every season of it we must anticipate the next season, slowly wishing our lives away one climatic period at a time. Sadly there's nothing we can do about this excessive heat, which is what some people like to tell us even though it seems like we've had plenty of chances to do things about it, but who am I to tell the captains of industry that science is not only neat but also life-saving? I'm merely a journalist, which means the only power I truly have is reading horoscopes to distract us from the news. Your horoscopes soon, but first let's have a look at the community calendar. Wednesday the Nightvail Parks Department will be holding a chest tournament in Mission Grove Park. This competition is open to all chest lovers regardless of skill level. It will be a single elimination tournament, so before you throw your name in make sure you have all of your affairs in order. Say goodbye to your loved ones and assign someone to take care of your pets, just in case. Good luck. Thursday night the Nightvail Community Theater will be holding auditions for their production of The Crucible, the classic American play by Arthur Miller about a group of revenge minded women vigilantes who hunt down misogynists within the ranks of church and state. Actors must bring a headshot resume and prepare a monologue for auditions. Preference will be given to anyone who has ever killed a man with their bare hands. Friday is so 3,000 and eight. Saturday is so 2,000 and late. Sunday can't be bothered with all your emotional baggage. Oh, you don't want to go to work tomorrow? Tough to Molly's big man. Too many chores? Welcome to Real Life Kitto. Honestly, it's gorgeous outside. Why don't you try stepping out, inhaling the warm summer air and staring straight into the sun until you see God? Or until you become God? I'm sure you've got it in you champ. As a new deity, you could make a whole new universe for yourself where there's no work and no chores and nothing ever happens and we're all just so happy that there's plain old stasis with nothing to complain about. Is that what you want? Yeah, Sunday thought so. Whatever. Monday would like for you to open your mind. It is trying its damnedest, okay? And now horoscopes. Leo, you let your pride get in the way of your vulnerability. You don't take critique well, Leo, and right now you're being criticized on all sides. First, there was your social media post that was none too sensitive. Then you got caught lying to your partner about where you were on Tuesday night amid all that you were on probation at your job because you failed to bring your cat to work on bring your cat to work day. I know you don't have a cat, Leo, and you're terribly allergic to them, but still it's a national holiday. And many co-workers found your lack of cat-shovingism to be disrespectful. But all of that is less important than the harshest criticism of them all, which is the brown bear that is upset with you for getting too close to its cubs. Don't argue with the bear, Leo, I know you're proud, but nature is deadly serious. Just remember the old adage about what to do around bears. If the bear is black, roar back. Black bears are little scaredy-bridges who are even worse to taking feedback than you are, Leo. Now if the bear is brown, just frown. Brown bears are people pleasers and would feel hurt to know they have caused you distress. Be careful though, brown bears also like to make it all about them. You'll be thinking, oh wow, this bear is scaring me, I feel hurt, and the brown bear will be like, I feel hurt because I hurt you. Beware the emotional manipulation of brown bears, Leo. Finally, if the bear is white, you're just dreaming. There's no such thing as a white bear. Virgo, it's time to rearrange the silverware again. And after that, you probably should start planning the meals you need to cook this week. You know what else would be useful, Virgo? Is if you made a schedule of chores for your household. For instance, you can be in charge of kitchen cleanup, Rachel can do bathrooms, Victoria can handle the garbage and recycling, and Daniel will be tasked with staying quiet and still in his makeshift cage, and being more appreciative of you and your roommate's scientific curiosity. Libra, it's not enough to see right and wrong. You also must take action. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for others, Libra. For instance, there's a human threatening your cubs, I know that a human doesn't look like a normal predator, but you're a Libra. You know good and you know evil. This confused looking human is definitely a great evil and you must kill them, Libra. No one touches your cubs. No one. Scorpio. I've been meaning to text you this week, but time got away from me, Scorpio. Works been busy with my new role in station management, plus Carlos and I had to pick up Estabon early from his summer witch camp. Apparently he got very good at turning other kids into animals and some of their parents got all upset. You know how it is. Every other parent is terrible at parenting. Anyway, Carlos and I wanted to host a family barbecue before school starts back. We're looking at next Saturday afternoon, but we could also do the Sunday after. Anyway, if you're listening to this Scorpio, check with Abby and give me a call. More horoscopes soon, but first, a return to our popular advice segment, Hey there Cecil. Here's today's letter. Hey there Cecil. So I met a woman who's super nice and we've been hanging out a lot. Ooh, I'm feeling the sparks of romance. She's new to town, so I've been trying to introduce her around and she's really enjoying everyone in Night Vale. This has been going on a couple of weeks and I like her. Like, like her. And I'm doing all these nice things and I'm using my shape shifting abilities to look super handsome and buff. But I'm not sure the spark is there for her. Should I just tell her how I feel? Or will that ruin a nice friendship? Signed, lost in love. Hey there Josh. Um, hey there, lost in love. I know this is about the person you met at the festival this summer and I met her too. She's very kind and way more musely than anyone could imagine. I see why you're attracted to her and honestly I don't think there's any harm in telling her how you feel. But before you do that, ask yourself, what does super handsome mean? Are you shape shifting into what you think she would find handsome? Or is it a look that makes you feel handsome? Feeling attractive is the first step toward looking attractive. This might not be the advice you want kid but it's the advice you need. Be yourself which knowing you is a pretty great thing. Let us know how it goes. Jump. Lost in love. Now back to horoscopes. Sagittarius. You've got to be kidding me. You said that and what did he say? He just stood there and took it? No come back. No argument? That sounds like someone with a guilty conscience. Don't you think Sagittarius? Well, I'd let it all settle down for maybe a week before reaching back out to make a man's. You what? You already called him? What did you say? No, you didn't. You're the worst Sagittarius. I kind of love that. Capricorn. You can't continue to blame the world for your problems. No, Capricorn. Sometimes things just happen that are far beyond anyone's control. It's like wedding day rainstorms or unexpectedly heavy traffic when you're late for work or finding thousands of spoons in your knife drawer or maybe your children go to summer witch camp and a more talented child magically turn those kids into animals. Yes, family is important, especially to you, Capricorn. But you know what else is important? Adorable, forest creatures. I'm sure there's a reverse spell for this. But can you imagine how much fun your kids will be if they were fluffy little fur balls who wobble and fall over when they try to walk? It's very cute, Capricorn. Don't begrudge it. Embrace it. Aquarius. You should probably check in with a lawyer. Your only son might have gotten you and your husband into some hot water. Aquarius, let's see. According to Ask Jeans, there are three lawyers in your town that specialize in which law. Okay, great news. Real-genus, Aquarius. Maybe, whenever you get off work today from your radio show, you should call them and tell them about the situation you're in or you know what? Maybe just email them right now. Why wait? Pisces. You're so intuitive. You're a classic water sign, Pisces, with your ability to sense things and other people that no one else can see. So Pisces, do you think Ronnie Plank, Vivica Johnson, or Tilsen Breckenridge the third, would be the best possible lawyer for me to reach out to? That Tilsen Breckenridge sounds really lawyerly, but maybe if we're doing witch law, I want to more down to earth sounding gal like Ronnie Plank. Oh, oh, Vivica Johnson has the cutest website. There's a little spider wearing a pointy hat, riding a broom, and the speech bubble above it says, bubble bubble, toil and trouble. I'll get your settlement on the double. I love it. So help me pick the right lawyer. Pisces, quick though. I get off work really soon. While Pisces figures that out, let's have a public service announcement from local archaeology professor and religious leader of some kind, Harrison Kip. Hale, are you lost in life? Have you forgotten your one true purpose? Well, we haven't. No, Surrey, where as happy as clams in a clams casino, just pulling down jackpot after jackpot, trip seven, three cherries, whatever metaphor you want to use, that's us. And we're here for you whenever you feel lost. There's no judgment, no atonement, no groveling, just good old-fashioned community, rejoicing in a life beyond our human comprehension, celebrating the kind of God who truly loves us no matter what. Them other gods, they cause a lot of pain, have a lot of rules, and sure do require a lot of study in old books that were written by fault-ridden saxomites just like you and me. But our religion has a book written by an infallible being from beyond our mortal plain. This text was found 10 years ago in a dorm room at Night Vale Community College. Next to a copy of Richard Branson's autobiography, a bobblehead of Alan Iverson in a stale nugget of marijuana. As professor of archaeology, I can attest to this document's authenticity. I know that a college dorm room doesn't sound as sacred as the Dead Sea or ancient Mesopotamia or Upstate New York, but as our holy text clearly states, this is a real religion. Now that's the first line of the whole book. So join our congregation, maybe bring some friends too, we're running a bit low on flesh offerings to our loving but very hungry God. Well, see y'all there. That's it. Where do they meet? When? What's the name of... Who should they... Oh, let's just get back to horoscopes. Aries, like I said to you yesterday, I didn't teach him witchcraft. He just really loves shaping sticks into stars and hanging sacks of bird parts above a circle of candles. I know you're a man of science Aries and this is tough for you. Maybe someday our son will be really into math and physics and all that, but right now, he really likes wearing cloaks and sitting in dark corners with his back facing the room while mumbling in Latin. I think it's just a it's a gen alpha thing like saying no cap and being on the worldwide web. Anyway, let's talk when I get home Aries about how to handle our son's current situation. Taurus. Be patient. I know that's difficult for you hard headed types, Taurus, but if you can learn to buy your time to wait your turn, you'll receive great things. Such great things are in store for you, Taurus. Just hang on while I write this email to one of the lawyers. The pace he's told me, Vivica was the way to go and that she seemed like the most compassionate option. And I trust a Pisces intuition more than I trust anyone else's. So just hold your horses, Taurus. Okay. Okay, there email sent. And now, Taurus, let's have a look at your horoscope. I'm sure in that you're dead. It's the only way to cope with my head, but it never lasted long. You never left me live with you gone. Crying in my baby's arm. She tells me she doesn't know how to shoot a gun, but if she did, I never had to think about you anymore. You come home mad again, so it's something I could never mend. You crack your medicine, you step towards me and I start to defend you home in your arms and then you let me be. I wait for you to fall asleep so I can sit comfortably and you take what you want and you stand door in my face when I resist your picture my head. Stay in for it while the door is your hand. Stay in for it while the door is your hand. Walking a few steps ahead you bolt and leave me stranded. You'd better come find you finally say that I should have just kept up a silent lie and lie and say that I'm fine. I wait for you to fall asleep so I can cry comfortably and you take what you want and you stand door in my face when I resist your picture my head. Stay in for it while the door is your hand. Stay in for it while the door is your hand. And I wanted a hurry back in a sit that was written on it. Try to find the upper hand. So what happened it until it broke? There was nothing I could say that would make a mistake that would make a mistake that would make a mistake And all in all, until the day. Hi, this is Rob Benedict. And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know, called Supernatural. It had a pretty good run, 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll of course have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Krypki was, he's great. We love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent decovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes. So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural, then, and now. Thanks, she's your mom. Yep, she's doing that to protect you and your brothers, her sweet little twin cubs. But you're not really her babies. You're a couple of human kids who returned into bears by a very talented boy at which camp this summer. And while it's fun to be a couple of bear cubs for a bit, you are realizing, just now, Gemini, that being bears means bearing great responsibility. Fun masterfully intended. So remember how that Leo was just checking his phone, hoping to figure out how to get back to the designated hiking trail. And you remember how you approached that human Leo and played all coy and cute. He knew not to get near bear cubs, but you started to frolic and play. Well, that angry bear, she's not really being her true Libra self today. And she's acting out of rash anger, all because her horse got told her to. Maybe Gemini, if you were to step in and explain this whole thing to the mama bear, you could save that Leo's life. And then point the bear to her actual cubs, which have broken into the campgrounds and eaten all of the locks flavored rice crispy treats. Do that for the stars. OK? Gemini? Finally, cancer. Today would be a great day for you to show off that empathy you're so known for. In fact, cancer, I love it if you took my case. I really need your legal advice, so I don't get sued by angry Capricorn parents. OK, so I have an idea. Hear me out, cancer. What if instead of turning their kids back into human children, we turned the parents into bears? Who wouldn't want to be a family of intimidating woodland beasts able to climb trees with ease and kill prey with a single swipe, but also be gentle creatures that look so sweet and huggable? What do you think, cancer? Yeah? Great. I'll talk to Esteban about it first thing after work. He's really into this witchcraft hobby. And if the parents are willing to settle, I'm happy to throw in all the salmon burgers they can eat. I've got a supply closet full of them. Thank you, cancer. And let me know how it goes with Capricorn. Well, listeners, stay to next for a bubbling cauldron and a muttered Latin chant. Good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Night Vale. The production of Night Vale presents It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kramer, and Bri Williams. Sound design and production by disparition. The voice of Harrison Kip was Jeffrey Kramer. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by disparition. All that can be found at disparition.net. This episode's horoscope was, Door is in your hand by Adult Mom. Find out more at the link in our show notes and see Adult Mom live on tour with us this September. Tickets on sale now. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Blue Sky at Night Vale Radio or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Night Vale Official. Or I don't know, don't do any of that. It's up to you. But mainly check out welcometonightvale.com where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. Today's proverb, you only get one life. Wouldn't it be hilarious if you pretended to be awesome at it? Hey, all it is Jeffrey Kramer speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that welcometonightvale is back out on tour? We are. We are going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area going all the way over to the Upper Midwest in Minnesota. That's in July. You can kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be heading. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September. And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October. And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026. You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com slash live. Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun. It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me and live original music by Dispiration. And who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride. These tours are always so much fun and they are for you, the diehard fan and you, the night veil new kid alike. So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show. Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com slash live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad. Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com slash live. And hey, see you soon.