Crying Over Action Figures

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Bobby started woo-hooing when the song came on. I'm bobbing my head like this. I'm grooving my neck. And he goes, come on, Jacob. And Jacob goes, what? I like the song? And then he goes, really? It doesn't look like it. He can tell by your energy. And he goes, what do you guys do? And he goes, Bobby's woo-hooing and I'm fucking grooving in my chair. Come on. Baby, come back. And it kind of fool could see. There was something in everything. But gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. Baby, come back. I do this thing. And I didn't know it was a thing until last week and then today. When I go to the bathroom, you know what I got to pee? I go into the bathroom here at Sirius. And you kind of go through the door and you got to make a right past the sinks and there's the urinals. But I one hand stick it. You know, I usually have something in my hand. So I one hand, I take my hand, I put it down and I pull everything out with one hand. Above. Yeah, Jacob. You pull out of the top. I pull it out. Yeah, kind of. No opening at all. No opening. Because I got the true classic jeans that stretch. Sure. And my arcade belt, which is stretching. I will oftentimes just fucking, without even undoing the belt, just fucking get my dick out of the top. Yeah, one hand stick it, right? Not one hand. That's a two hand job. I do a one hand stick, but I do it too early. I do it as around the corner. Oh, so someone's watching you. Well, I've never gotten caught. I've never, I've come close. Like, I don't realize. It looks like you're trying to get yourself hard before you pull out. I got to stop. I got to stop. I got to wait till I get to the urinal. I'm like going in and I one hand stick it and I realize there's people. Oh, Bobby, by the way, if your dick is out and you're just at sinks, you're going to look like a fucking maniac. You might get fired for that. Yeah. Well, there's a whole. You can't get dick out before you get past six. Why are you one hand? Like, what do you mean you have one hand? I got something. He's holding a coffee. I'm holding a coffee. A package. His bag. Bobby thinks. He's putting his cigars away. He's got a fucking torch lighter and a regular lighter. Yeah, I do love it. Two bags of fucking trail mix. I'm Bobby things, dude. I have three. A protein bar. I have Cuban cigars. I have a torch lighter, a thin torch lighter. Why aren't they away? And then I have, wait a minute, I have an electric torch, three stream. I have two bars. I have a glasses case. I have some mints. I have another bar. Got that one for you, Jacob. You can pick which one. I'm Bobby things. I have a lot of things. I mean, put them away when you're going to pee. I have to. He can't. Even if he puts things away, he's holding the thing that all the things are in. He's only got one hand for his dick is the point, Jacob. Bobby has to product place at all times. No matter what. I love how he weaves in brand names when he tells a story. You know what hangs nicely when you're taking a fucking public piss? Supreme fanny packs. Can't get these. These are hard to get. Are they? But I do. These are easy to get. My Boston Scali piggy blinders hat. Special edition comes with a razor blade that you can pin onto the top. Is that true? Yeah. They used to back in the day, put a razor blade up here and they used to slice you with it. I gotta be honest, but I don't like is that you got the Peaky Blinders brand. It seems like show merch. It's a special edition from Boston Scali. Right, but it's show merch. No, this is a special edition that was made for people who are fans of a TV show and want to dress like that guy. I got it. True. But I will say this. I got it before I was a fan of the show. I got this and then started watching the show. That's gay. That actually is gayer that it drove you to the show. Maybe you didn't hear J. That's Boston Scali. Yeah. This is Boston Scali. It's a company in Boston that makes Scali caps and they're really friends of mine. I go in here. I'm going to show you. Can I show you? Uh-huh. I'm going to show you. So here's the door. The urinals are down there. I got my things. And as I walk through the door. Show me how you present. It's okay. He's allowed to see your penis. He's a man. You're over at that and over there. This is not sexual harassment. Jacob, you agree you want to see his dick. So you're over at the urinal. You're there. Jacob said it's on microphone. He wants it. The sink to where the chair is. I come through the door. Jacob, do you want Bobby to show you his penis? I sure do. Okay. It says he sure does. I can't really right now because I'd have to get it going. Yeah, that's fine. But that's what you do as you're making your way around the corner. Well, as I come in, I one-handed. Tug, flop, flop, flop. I one-handed. Christine, eyes down. It is illegal for that. I pull it out. I'm here. That's fucking crazy. I can't. You pull it out of the sink? That's insane. I know. You're out by the sinks. I'm on my hands and my pants by the sink. But I don't, I've never had it like... You're presenting two feet from the urinals. I'm at least. I'd say a foot, foot and a half to two far. Oh, I mean, you just described about four feet too far. Well, I never... A toddler. You're a toddler's worth of pulling your wiener out of people. Yeah, I'm, I... You're not in the urinal partitions. I think I'm used to when I go to the bathroom at my house is I one-stick it, but I don't, you know what I mean? I got to wait till I get to the urinal. Why are you always carrying things in your house? I'm Bobby Dengs. I'm Bobby Dengs. But you have things, you put things down in your own living room. You don't want to. You want to hold your water. I like to hold my stuff. I like to hold my protein bottle. And dick. It balances me out because my dick is so heavy. I have such a heavy piece. There's so many bobbies, but it's always techno-bobby that's peeing. I was just talking about the reverse engineer of your hat got you into a TV show. Yeah. It just reminded me of it. That was always the story of Masters of the Universe was... Is that what your gloves got you into? Yeah. It was a failed toy run for Conan the Barbarian because it was rated R, so no kids got to know who Conan was, so they just made up Masters of the Universe. He-Man and all that. They just made up his toys. Then they made lore based off the toys. So they made the toy first. Yeah. And then made He-Man. Yeah, that Netflix show that goes through all the old... That was a great show. The toys that made us or whatever it was called. Did you watch that? I didn't actually watch that. That was really good. The He-Man one was that. They were supposed to be Conan the Barbarian. But they can't. But then they were like... They had these molds, all these molds made. They were like, it's a fucking rated R movie and no kids are seeing it, so they made this up. They have the movie coming out now. So they finally found the effects to make a He-Man movie look good and then you realize now like, who the fuck was to see... What a stupid shit. Because they made a story based off of toys. The story blows. It was never good. It was always... What is He-Man's? He's just... He's just a guy, but now they have him as a guy in modern today. Like please bring up the trailer. But I'll tell you, Skeletor's never looked cooler. But let me ask you a question. And it's Jared Leto. Our favorite co-lead or Jared Leto? I don't know what... I love Jared Leto. Yeah, it's favorite co-lead. I call him Jared Leto. Do it, Jared. But what is his power? Just strength? Just strength. That's rare. I had every single He-Man doll in the Castle Grayskull and Snake Mountain. Now what are the secrets of Castle Grayskull? It's bullshit. Cringer's terrified. And I'll tell you what the trailer does do, Bobby. Pause this for a second, Lou. What the trailer does do, pretty neat. For the live action. Yeah. I think the MGM Lion is Battle Cat. Oh, that's kind of cool. I like when they do the... Yeah, fuck with the opening. Fuck with the opening credit, yeah. But yeah, so this was... So his sword made him into Battle Cat. He was a little coward. Yeah, and then He-Man is just some dude who happens to be yoked. Prince Adam. But doesn't he get bigger when he becomes He-Man or stronger? No, no. It's the same doll, just different paint. It's the same doll, yeah. I wish we had that sword. We could make Jacob happy with it. Oh, Jacob. We could just point that... By the power of Grayskull. Smile, jerk-off. Now here's what I say. I don't know if they've done in any He-Man adaptation yet. Is there an Orco? They never make an Orco. What's an Orco? I was really into He-Man. Orco was this little... That's right where our age would be different right there. Right. That gap. A floating nerd. Was it a nerd Orco? But it was like a... It was like just completely blacked out. It was just eyes. They had it in the trailer there. And what you were playing, yeah. Towards the end. Orco. You can show them Orco. They'll show Orco right here. Man in arms. Ugh. Wait, before that. It's before that. Yeah, go right there. The sorceress. Man in arms. Orco. Was Orco just a magician? Yeah. He was a little wizard, but it was just eyes and a... It was just a floating shirt and hat with eyes. But he had an O on his shirt just in case you forgot. Oh, so you know he's Orco. Orco. To make things less serious. Yeah, there you go. Christine brought up Orco. I like it. But bring up the trailer for the actual... Yeah, it was a movie, right? Wasn't there a movie? So there was a movie with Dolph... Bring up the trailer for that one. Bring up the Dolph Lundgren. That was brutal. However, the casting was Dolph Lundgren as he man, obviously. Franklin Jella. Is that his name? Yeah. A Skeletor? Yeah. It was so great. It was so like... There was like a cast in it for sure. I think Mega... What's the one with the blue eyes from They Live? Oh, that sexy, crazy-looking chick. I never thought she was that sexy. Her eyes were too weird. Yeah, she's got like a see-through blue eyes. This is... Yes, yeah, this is it. Dolph Lundgren. It's... I love the... Even the galaxy sucks. They just weren't ready to make this movie yet. Yeah. I don't even know what that means. But somehow this one ended up being more fun than the new one. Because I don't think this one takes itself seriously. It looks like they're all wearing Darth Vader helmets. What? It looks like they're all wearing Darth Vader helmets. Probably. Courtney Cox was in this one. Was she? Yeah, it was us. The brunette at the beginning there. Oh, there she is. Meg Foster. Meg Foster, yeah, her eyes are wild. Franklin jealous, Skeletor. Now bring up the new one. The new one, they got it all down, but it's like it looks like a movie. The story's always sucked. So who are you making this for? If I watch this, it will be on a plane. Who is He-Man? What do you mean? Who plays He-Man? Oh, some guy. Oh, that's no good. But I mean, look at the production. Idris Alba is man at arms. Wait a minute. Isn't that the same guy, same eyes as Thor? See Battlecat? And Thor? Yeah. Yes, Idris Alba, yeah. It's the same. But he has not the eyes here. So look, he's just a dude living right now. Does that make you angry, Jacob? Yes. I also don't recognize him. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I also don't recall He-Man being like a spaceship thing at all. But this is like Thor. But there's spaceships everywhere. Yes, it's very Thor-y. It's identical to Thor. Right. But where Thor has a long storied history that it can work off of. I mean, but how cool does it look? It looks pretty cool. Yeah, I think I'm in. But I don't know what they're doing. There's no spaceships. I don't think in He-Man, that's awesome. Does Idris protect a sword, too, in this one? No. Maybe. Prince Adam. I don't know. Let's see him say it. Say it, fuckface. Nope. He doesn't say it? He doesn't say it. Oh. I have the power. Yeah, he does. It looks shredded, though. But you gotta see Skeletor. Jared Leto. Yeah, they did used to have spaceships and shit. They did? Yep, a few. Little comedy. I mean, you're going opening night, Lou. I mean, it's shitty graphics. My one pet peeve, like the AI slop. Well, have fun trying to explain to your young black girlfriend about He-Man. She's not coming to this. Yeah, she's basically Indian parts going to hate the AI graphics. My cousin can do better. I think I'm right, dude. Jared Leto's Skeletor. Yes. Yeah, but here's the problem with this. You don't get to see Jared Leto's gorgeous little cute face you want to see. It is true. I don't want to hear his voice. I want to see his little face. Oh, oh. That's as much as... Oh, Jacob, you like the modern comedy they're throwing in there? Jacob, that's what makes me laugh. Alison Breeze in it, so I'll probably... I'll wait for it to come on TV, but I will watch it. Who is she? No, I mean, who does she play? She plays Evil In. Yeah. So is this your... I'd never really watched this, just you know about it? No, I watched it as a kid, but for me, all cartoons died in the 80s. They were all like based off of toys. I almost thought they all sucked like... They were kind of based off toys. The Smurfs killed cartoons for me. But if you could make a good enough toy... Fucking hated them. If you could make a good enough toy though, it didn't matter. The Centurions, I thought was such a short lifting. That was Air Sea, right? Air Sea and Land, and it was just three guys, but you bought the action figures and they had like holes all over their suits. And you could make them like... You'd put on the stuff that would make them like... One turns into like a tank, one turns into like a spaceship. I've never seen this. Yeah. There's a rage difference. I was in the Voltron. I loved Voltron. I liked Voltron too. Voltron was my shit. Great toys. That was probably my favorite toy. I got the Voltron toy. Did you get all... Whatever parts... Heavy parts you need? One, two... It was five, I think. Six. Six, six. You had the head. No, I think it was five. Arms. Body and head was one thing. Yeah. Two legs, two arms. Yeah, Voltron was my favorite toy of all. But here's Centurion. See their suits? And then everything just comes and clicks onto them and then they become like a plane and a fucking ground tank. That's called modular. It's so cheap looking. Oh, the cartoon? Everything. Because it didn't matter. You gotta see the toys. The toys look like shit too. Cartoon in the 80s really sucked. They were terrible. Remember, who was it? Ghost? Ghost Rider? Ghost Rider? I don't remember the cartoon. Oh, dude. The cartoon sucked. No, Johnny. I know what you're talking about. Not Ghost Rider. Ghost. Ghost, huh? Ghost what? Space Ghost. Space Ghost. Oh, I just remember like the funny thing. Space Ghost. I just remember like the funny one they did on Adult Swim. Space Ghost. Yeah, cartoons fell off in the 80s. No writing. It was an all toy marketing. I mean, if you watch Bugs Bunny now, it's pretty funny. It's great. They have funny... All those cartoons were kind of made for adults back then. You guys hate the Centurions because you're haters. I mean, they're no Thundercats. Tom and Jerry. Thundercats. I love Thundercats though. Thundercats are great. Thundercats toys blew. Really? I think so. I think they weren't poseable enough. You know who's a toy... But the cartoon was fucking great. Do you know who's a toy maker now? Who? Do you remember Brian who used to run... He was Barry Katz's partner. Volkwice? Brian Volkwice is a toy maker now. Yeah. And literally gets emotional when he releases... When he gets the rights to certain toys on his Instagram. He makes them. He has a company that makes action... Well, I guess they're called action figures. If you talk to Greg Stone. Like throwback ones? Star Trek, space ones. He's a big... We better call Roy Rogers space. Well, no. Buck Rogers. Buck Rogers. His name is Roy Rogers. His is Western. No, Buck Rogers. Star Trek. No G.I. Joe. Star Wars. No, he's all... He's all nerdy star stuff. I've said it a bunch of times and I'll say it again. If society wouldn't judge, I can see myself playing with some G.I. Joe's for a couple minutes. Probably kill an hour with some G.I. Joe's for sure. These Centurions don't look so bad. I take it back. I told you when I stated... They're poseable. They're like G.I. Joe's that have little things you could put all over them. That size was good because you could do other things with them. It didn't always have to play Centurions. These guys could be ringers for my football team or a very wacky character in my wrestling matches. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't bring one up on stage to have a joke. That would have been not part of the reveals. Everybody ready to laugh now? Jay, when I stayed at Brian Volkwise's house once during the tour... Did you see the factory? Did the elves wake up? This was before he was a toy maker, but he was an action-figure collector. Okay. So he had a really nice place. And he's like, just stay at my house. You can have the whole place. So I stayed... I was staying at his house. While the USS Enterprise crew stares at you from a shelf? Well, he has a whole office full. He had all action figures of everybody. Star Wars, Star Trek. I mean, all the hard ones to get, right? All plays perfectly on this beautiful wall he had made for his action figures. So I was at the comedy store, Laugh Factory, and Yoshi pulls up. And Yoshi always used to pull up. He worked for Evil Angel. And he'd be like, Bobby, you want some ponos or dildos? Do the impression right. Bobby... No, no, come on. Bobby... No, no, no. Bobby, you want... Oh, Bobby! Oh, you're ponography. Bring your ponography. That's Chinese. You gotta do Japanese. Oh, hey, Bobby. You want a ponography or some dildos? You like a dildo? You want a dildo? I got a bucket dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. So he goes... He opens the trunk. I'm looking... I see this dildo. It's called the thin and nasty. Nice. It's just really long and thin with just veins and two little nuts down the bottom. So I take the thin and nasty. I'll take this. And I go... I'm standing at Brian's house. I go to Brian's house and I just move Luke and Han Solo over just a little bit and I put the thin and nasty. A month later, I get a call from Folkwise, you motherfucker. I'm like, what? He goes, I brought a date back to my house. And I was going to make her a cup of tea and I was really having a great night and then I just hear a scream from the other room. She went into his little action figure room and right in the middle was a thin and nasty, just a big long dildo. Can I tell you something? I think you might be taking the blame. I think you might be taking the blame for something that might not be your fault. I think we was having a date that was going well and she stumbled into his action figure room. She probably screamed because she realized she probably wasn't getting out of that apartment a lot. You know what? And then you would think if you go, oh, this guy's got his shit together, huh? Go God, loose action figures everywhere. That's terrifying. This guy's a producer. This guy's got money. This guy's, what the fuck is this? I bet a girl would rather see a fucking shelf with eight dildos on it than a room full of action figures and one dildo. You make a solid point. I'm not going to let you take the blame for that behavior. That was her fault. That was his fault. I never thought of it. I was screaming at the craziness of his manhood. Yeah. Yeah. Brian Volk always, he went to make tea and pick up 17 more specials for comedy dynamics. Oh, you got to pick up his Instagram. The last one he was emotional over. Really? Oh, emotional. I'd like to make fun of Brian Volk, boys. I love Brian. Do you? No. I don't know if I do either. Can I say something? I don't know. I feel like I have something in history with him where I'm like, maybe I don't know. I never let him, I never worked with him like that, but he did protect me on the tour. He really looked after me on the tour. So I do have an affinity for Brian Volk. We've always had an alright relationship. Yeah, his Instagram, that's him right there. Dude, he's a toy maker now and he loves it. Oh, he hangs at the cellar, right? He hangs out at the company cellar? No, he lives in LA. He's still producing stuff, but he has a toy company now. He just looks like every white guy you've ever met, ever. He looks like anyone who wants to have a conversation with Noam. Yes, he has. Oh, wait, surprise. Yeah, there it is right there. The announcement, yeah. Without further ado, and again, I'm sorry, I'm getting a little emotional, but we are very proud to announce the newest figure in our Star Trek line is the Starfleet Janitor. I didn't react like this to Ron Beddington's cancer announcement. And that struck me to the fucking core. It killed me. Yeah. That shook me right down to my toes. Wait, do you see the character? We're watching Brian Volk wise in front of, it would be great though if my slim and nasty was behind him though. Okay, enough of it to make me happier than a fucking dildo swinging in the wind behind him, suction cup. This would be a great funny video if while he's doing this and crying, someone hit him in the face with a big floppy dildo. That'd be a great like jackass thing. And we just got to access the wonder. But they made the sound of a lightsaber. It's the janitor. It's the janitor. The guy who cleans up the SS Enterprise. It's the janitor. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, you're a poon because you come here and come here to laugh him with me after you fucking liked it. I love, I like all this stuff. You really are. Dude, I love it all. You don't, dude, you don't, you don't love it. You don't love that it was a janitor. I thought somebody died. I was like, what happened? He's like, the janitor. I'm not going to reward that type of behavior. I reward all of it. Bobby and Greg. Oh, Greg, 100% Greg. I always, I love it. I love it. I love it. Oh, he's got other ones too. I love it. He gets very emotional about these figures. Bobby, do you love it? I love it. I love it. But how do you feel about it? I love it. Okay. I like men. You're such a fucking hoe. I've always liked men. I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. Dude, if you saw the stuff I liked on Instagram. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. You just know how to make them all feel real good about themselves. Oh, God, if you saw my Instagram algorithm, you'd lose your fucking shit. I bet I would. It's bad. I know, dude. You watch girls work out. You have the algorithm of a 15-year-old boy who just figured out his weenus. Can I tell you the one that is bugging me right now? There's a kid on the internet. He's a big, big black kid. But he's got a voice that is just amazing. And he only follows 58 people. And I know two of them. And I requested a follow. He's actually blowing up right now because of his voice. He's getting a lot of voiceover work. And he won't follow me back. And I love his, I like it. And you really want him to? I just, I look every day at the 58 hoping it's 59. Is that you? That's me. That's you he picked up. It's not me. Yeah, we do have different algorithms. I've got a black guy who is inordinately jacked muscular, who wears sleeveless sweaters and shorts, orders a crazy amount of food at places, turns around while he's holding the food usually dances like a maniac. I follow him, too. And then he sits down and screams Shark Bite and opens his crazy Patrick Ewing mouth and bites down the middle of whatever he's eating. And I'll tell you what, I watch every one of them. I say, I don't like it. I've described it as something I don't enjoy. I'm like, what is this? This is so stupid. And then there's other videos of black people laughing at him doing it in places. Like, this motherfucker crazy. He actually kicked out of, they wouldn't allow him in the store. Did you see that one? No. Yeah, they wouldn't let him in. They kicked him out. They didn't want his bullshit in there. And they kicked him out. I get it too, but I watch him. I was on Shark Bite. Look at Shark Bite. I was on Instagram and it gives the commercials in between the story feeds and then a commercial came up for a guy who is marketing an athletic suit. It looks like a regular suit, but you see him on a treadmill because it stretches. I'm in. I'm in. Like by Robert Kelly. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, they have the new Fruit of the Loom suit. Have you seen that? No. Fruit of the Loom just made a suit. It comes in a pack. I think it's a joke. Why are you going to jog with a suit? It's not a joke. No, I think the Fruit of the Loom one's a joke. This one wasn't though. I would buy it in two seconds. This was like, you can jog and you can work out in a suit for some reason. Oh, you'll be surprised at what I follow. Oh, Jacob, here, take a peek at this. Here's everything you want to do. You hate this guy so in shape and does this. This is a whole lot. That's right, he's Nuggy Lamont. Wabbly-dabbly. And then he has to make a real scene so white people are uncomfortable. Yeah. This isn't one of the ones that... Some of them, he just goes there and does a full routine dance and everyone around him. Yeah, you can see all the Jacobs behind him going like, it's fine. It'll stop soon. You should recoil at this. Oh, yeah, without a doubt. Wait, you like the videos? No, I don't like it. I don't like any videos. I know. I've never on purpose liked the video. I've liked things by accident because you stop on it and when you click the thing. But I don't know if it shows this, but how many things I've liked and unlike because I go, oh, no. I don't want to just... Because if I like one thing, everyone's going to be like, you've never liked my thing. You've never liked me. Could you imagine this happening to you, Jacob? You've never liked anything of mine. No, not one. I like a lot of your shit. I have no idea. I would never see that. Well, you should see it. Hang on, Jacob. I don't know about this. If you were sitting next to this. I want you to call your people and tell them just to like all my stuff. Okay. Dylan, text Dylan. Yeah, text Dylan. Oh, that's... Is that Dylan? Dylan, like all my shit. Jacob, how would you react to this happening? I would feel threatened. They came right up to somebody and I don't know what he's doing. You don't see this in any other restaurant. You can't have somebody just aggressively dance in your face. Yo, look how good that piece of script was. It's right there. If that's me, I don't know what's happening. What if he was a really hot chick? Huh? Oh my God. Did he just bite through corn cob? I don't think you could do that. You're not supposed to do that. I don't think you can. Well, he's not swallowing, so maybe he's just holding... It's hard to concentrate when you're worried about your health. It can feel like there's a wall between you and the rest of the world. You can't be fully present. Hello, AXA Health. How can I help? At AXA Health Insurance, we build our teams with people who care. So when you need us, we're here to support you. For cover that cares, search AXA Health Insurance. Pre-existing conditions are not covered. With booking.com, you're free to be flexible. Easy. So you can go from home to holiday home with no dramas. Bigger place booked. On booking.com, finding a holiday home is easy. And flex. Booking.com, booking.com. Yeah. Terms apply, available on selected properties. I fucking hate this guy, but I can't turn away. You can't stop watching. You're going to see every single one he does. There's no in your algorithm. What a fucking knob. There's one guy that I follow. Full knob. There's a guy that I follow who's a food guy. Who dresses the way Jacob would dress. He slicks his hair back and he dresses in a suit every day. And he does. That's only one Jacob. Food reviews. Yeah. But I've been watching him since he started. And it's, you would hate him so much. But I watch all, I love all his videos. Food in review. I think it's going, and he has his hair slicked back and he looks like a, what do they call him? What do they call you? A dandy man? What do they call him? Dandy. Dandy. He's a dandy. He dresses like a dandy in every episode. And he's like, food review. Please let me find this kid and send it to you. Is it Dan? No. Danny the foodie? I wouldn't dress like a dandy. Dandy is like, look at me. Look kind of loud. Oh, you're a dandy. I'm more of a bond. I would dress like Bond. No, you would ride a penny farthing to work. Oh, yes. You would love to ride a penny farthing and wear an ascot. Or maybe wear an ascot even when you traverse your penny farthing. Where is he? You traverse your penny farthing to work. Time to hop on my penny farthing, you'll say. Look out, city bus. Penny farthing coming through. There's two things on the internet that I am... Bobby, you can't look for it too long. Sorry, buddy. There is two things I've said now that I'm going to order. I'm breaking down and I'm ordering. And I'm saying they're all... The slimmer nasty? The slimmer nasty, number one. Number one. No, I'm going to do the intake breathing. It looks... How could this possibly be a thing that really works, but I'm going to do it. What is it? That's the tube magnet you put on the outside of your nostrils. I got it. You got it. I got it. Don got it for me for Christmas. It showed up already. I got it, yeah. She got it for me. You haven't tried it yet? I have tried it. It's kind of annoying. Really? Well, you have to stick these things on your nose every night. First the magnets, yeah. And then you click... There's different size clicks. Yeah, four. And they say if you get this side... Four. Dude, this would take out my snoring forever. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. Fuck. I have a twisted septum though. I've had my nose broken like four times, so it goes right, left, right. Let's forget about your Mickey War history. So I'd have to get my nose... I'd have to have massive nose surgery to fix my nose, but I do have them. And it did... I mean, this nostril air comes out. This one doesn't. So it did... Well, they say do the thing where you breathe in real hard and see one nostril, my close down. Does that happen to you? No. Let me see. Yeah. That one, this one, this side does closes. And this one doesn't. And that one doesn't. Yeah, this has... I get no air out of this nostril. Does mine do anything different? Both of them close a little bit. Just a little bit? Just a little bit. I can do it. Watch. Oh yeah, one shuts off. Oh, I like that. Deviated septum. Wait a minute. Let me try to get that. Oh my God. I'm in the 80s. Yeah. It all went to your ass. Damn, that's crazy. Every time he does that, your ass gets bigger. Nothing to do with my ass, you pervert. Put your nose up so you can see. Yeah. That side, this side goes in, that side doesn't move. Really? Yeah. Not as bad as loose, but close. It did open this up though. I will say that. I had to use the highest magnet. Four. I'd use the four. Yeah. And it did open this side up. I'll give it a shot. I wore it the one night and I just don't. Like a show task. Well, I'll give it another shot. It wasn't fucking as poppy as you said it was. But the other thing I have to try because it's coming across too much. I'm going to tell me in one week I will see the age come off my face with, if I use caldera spa, I think it's called, face serum. From fucking Korea. I don't know. Yeah. It's the, what is it, green and yellow? Right there, the caldera lab. Oh, I didn't see that one. I mean, this is coming across constantly. I have the Korean one, the cream that makes all the eye stuff and the neck stuff go away. Yeah. Look at this though. Yeah, that looks serious. Yeah. What do you do with that? That's a small bottle though, right? What do you squeeze it on? What do you squeeze it on? In your hand. And then what do you just put it on your face? Watch a video of it being done. There's got to be one. Here's what you do. All right, so a guy, a little drop, like a little. A little giz drips in your hand. A couple giz. Six, looks like. Six, rub it in your hands. And just pat, that's bullshit. Oh, well, is it? He's just patting it on his face and neck. And that's what you do so you don't, you don't want to waste serum and cotton. So you want to just put it directly on your hand and on your face. And then it's on your hands and your hands are going to shrink. That's why he's patting it. Isn't this guy 25? Yeah, he's gorgeous already. He's not. Show me fucking my mother use this. I keep getting good. It's not for your mother, it's for men. Well, whatever. I mean, this guy is fucking already got beautiful skin. All right, look. Yeah, but so do you guys. Yeah, we do. Don't give a shit. I keep getting fed Goop stuff and it's all expensive like this one. And I, I. This is expensive? Yeah. It is pretty expensive for how long, how much does it cost for like a month? I say it's expensive, but it seems just like comparable to a lot of products actually, probably like three months. Let's see some real. There's going to be, now you go to YouTube. Here's the move. Look at people talking about intake breathing and talking about Caldera labs. Now as we see somebody goes like this, honk a shit showed up to my head. They're so angry. There's an Asian guy that I follow that gets all this stuff delivered to the house and then sees if it works. Oh yeah. But some of it actually works and he gets so he's like, yeah, that it works. But some of the stuff just sucks. He, he tries all, all the stuff off of Facebook. I just bought something off of Facebook. I don't want to tell you what it is, but I'm very excited. When it comes, I'm just going to, I'm going to, I'm going to wear it in and I'm going to see if you guys notice. The slim and nasty. I'm going to keep it in my ass. I'm going to say something. This guy looks discernibly older after using it and it looks like his eyebrows are gone. It's light. It's lighting. It's the light on the right, the right is lit up and the light on the left is dark. I mean, the red's out of his face a bit. If that's a thing. I guess. What is it supposed to get the red out of your face? I don't know. What, what is it going to do for you? What do you want it to do? Take 30 years off my face. It's not going to, it says it does. I know it says it, but it's not going to do it. Bobby, but it says it does. You have beautiful skin now. No. You have no wrinkles. I don't have a lot of wrinkles. You have phenomenal skin. It's nuts. Yeah. It's nuts. Yeah. My mom fucked Ayoshi. Yeah, but I got the stuff that you don't have. I got like the fucking goofy, like my under here is like whiter than the rest of my face, which always looks weird. Looks like I wear sunglasses when I don't. Oh, you don't wear sunglasses. That's not from Sun? No. Oh. But it looks like I have, yeah, like bounty hunter eyes. The bounty hunter eyes where it's like, it takes his eyes off and his eyes are bright white. He's wearing this fucking beet red face. Have you seen him lately? He looks like somebody made a puppet. Oh, yeah. And it's him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like a puppet version of himself. He looks like Bill Hader's character as the old grizzled whore vet. Dude, I... Does this count the air lab stuff? Oh, Frank Grillo pushes it. Frank Grillo. I've seen this stuff. Let me see the Frank Grillo. Who's Frank Grillo? Frank Grillo's, come on. Come on. He's sexy. Show me the one person you noticed and the goddamn eight pictures are up there. This one? Yes. Frank Grillo. I shred it. Pause it. Jacob, how bad do you want to be Frank Grillo? Don't you feel like you're just like 110 pounds away from being him? I'd like to look like Frank Grillo. Yeah, yeah. Damn. Don't we all? Look at his hair. I wouldn't mind looking like Frank Grillo. Well, I will say his chest is fucking friccacied. Yeah, but he really only did his face, not the neck or chest at all. That's Royds. No. That's California. Yeah, that's exactly, that's sun damage. That's what I would look like if I stayed in California. Due to adorn Royds and supplements and all that stuff, they have red necks and chest. Wait, can you go back towards the end of it? Because I like the way he says it, he goes, it is done absolute wonders for my face. He at the end of this point of it goes, stop paying attention to my neck, my chicken neck, my face. I have to start over. I want to go back. It's fine. Why not? It's him. I'd watch him all day. Oh, let Bobby, let Bobby check this boy again. Check it out. What's he saying? Another workout in the books, guys. What a jag. Yeah, but he takes his time. Oh, he cut. There's a cut. Phenomenal hair. There was a cut. Yeah. I've ignored my chest though. That's what all the dads in my hometown look like. Not, not you can do about the neck. Yeah, that's it. They have not, they have not attacked my neck and chest yet. I got a red light for the neck too, but I have a red light in my sauna. You did? It came. I didn't think you couldn't get it by itself. Oh. It came up. What is a red light for? It's red light therapy. It's supposed to help your skin and aging and I have two of them, one in the back of me and one in the front of me in my sauna and you put it on and it's supposed to help with your skin. I got a little afraid of turkey neck. I got me and Christine each got the whatever, like the one of the best red light masks they make. I haven't tried it yet. I haven't tried it yet, but I have it. I felt like I burnt my face a little. The first time I used it, I was like I went to the second setting. I'm like, I should have done an easier one first. How does a red light prevent turkey neck? What does a red light do? It's red light dude. It does red light. It fucking recreates the sun. On your neck. On your neck. There's also a blue light you could use also. Yeah. Don't use a green light though. You know you could also buy. Red sun takes your powers away. I was thinking about, they make, I forget what the kind of light is, but what I was going to the doctors for for my skin dots that I get, the urticaria, my skin problem, they now you could buy those panels for your home. It's not that crazy expensive. The what? The red light panels? It's not red light. That's UV. That's UV, but you can get them for your house now. Yeah. You just got like two panels and stay in front of it for a couple minutes a day. I made my sauna into a real, the cheap, I got a cheap Costco one and I made it into a really infrared, but I got a heater for it because they only go up to 140. You need to go up to 170 to get like the benefits of a sauna to get your heat shock proteins kicking. Yeah. Yeah. And it only science dude. It only, I'm telling him, not you. I'm looking at you, but I'm telling Jacob. Heat shock proteins. Heat shock proteins. And how's that rabbit crack? And it's so good. I'm so hungry. So I got a heater for my sauna and I got the red lights for my sauna. So my sauna gets up to like 170, 180 now and it's great. Like I could only do like 15 minutes in it. 170 what? Not to gr... Yeah. No. Yeah. Kids in 170 degrees. The sauna is at the Russian spa is like 200. What? The dumbass hole. Yeah. You need to get a sauna needs to be 170 to get your heat shock. That can't be right. It's like burn. You don't go... It's like a look when outdoor temperatures when it's like 110. No. Like how are you going to get up to 170 Fahrenheit? Type it in. Stop talking and type. Can I ask you, is this the sauna that you used to promote on YKWD? That's like a chair with like a blanket over it? No, no, no, no, no, no. Because my girlfriend got one of those. No, that's more like a steam. Yeah. You get a steam. This is an actual infrared, infrared, what are you saying? Infrared, yeah. I don't know why they were that hot. That may be why I fucking hate them. No, you have to get above 170 before your body to attack. It's supposed to be... They did a study in Finland, a 20-year study. People who did saunas twice a week or four times a week reduced dementia and heart disease by like 60%, 60% or 40%. Just say a percentage. 45%. No, no, no, just say like some percentage. Yeah, just percentage. No, but it's supposed to be... Could be such big difference results if it was like somewhere between 75% and 3%. When I did Rogan, when he showed me his whole setup, he was like, I got the... You mean the chicken balls? I got the ice plunge. I got the... I called that my setup. The ice plunge. Yeah, I want to see my setup. He did. He had the sauna, the ice plunge, all the stuff. He goes, if I had to get rid of it all, I'd keep the sauna. The sauna's the best. Really? Yeah, when you take a spitz, it gets your body, the heat shock proteins come out and they attack the whatever shit you have and they'll go on attack. I thought when you get in the cold plunge, it brings out things to attack the thing. When you work out, you don't want to go in a cold plunge after you work out because it actually stops muscle growth. So if you're working out, you want to go to a sauna after you work out. But before you go at work out, you can jump into a cold plunge and it does your cold shock proteins will kick in and it actually works on inflammation. So if the older you get, you get inflammation, it fucks people up bad. That's what your joints and your hips and all your knees and... Your setup? No, the pro athletes jump in the cold plunge after a game. After a game, not after a lifting. You understand? You're lifting weights to get bigger or you don't want to go into a cold plunge because it stops muscle growth. You want to do it in the morning. Hey Jacob, that's the problem. You've been sitting in cold water every minute that we're not with you. His apartment is a pool. Yeah, he's just in a big cold wet area. Oh, look at all that. Have a bra? You can get a red light bra for you titties? Yeah, absolutely. What does that do? It unflames them. Reduces the signs of tit aging. Dude, I love my sauna. I did my sauna today and I meditate my sauna. I do guided breathing meditations where you breathe. I actually got my straw, my breathing straw, my Japanese breathing straw. I have a plastic one for the sauna because the metal one burnt my lips. I put it in my lips. I was like, ha, ha, ha. By the way, hoping that all these red light and things shit works. It's so funny. I was like, oh, maybe if I get that red light, that mask, it'll work for my urticaria and the rest of my skin. It's like, it is bad for that. Oh, it actually inflames it? Yeah, it's like it's not good for that at all. Then it's like you have to UV for that. UV light. So you all spend half my days not just standing in front of lights fucking posts. What is he doing? He's lighting himself again. You know what really works is I got this, you know, the bags under your eyes. I only get one bag under one eye, this one. Yeah. I think, I don't know why. Well, that's what's doing all the work. The other ones are lazy eye. I just look over at Jacob's smile till he laughs with me. Really sucks the life out of you. I miss just a lot of products. I got this eye stuff that you rub on and it takes the eye bag away. It's just gone, dude. What's it called? I forget the name of it. Don got it for me. Very helpful. You can pull it up. It's like this eye bag cream you put on and you can see like some old lady will put it on and her bags just go away. Really good stuff. I gotta start using my mask. You should. Your mask and then you also have that like the really nice mask that's like good for like the one that Dr. Gale told you to get. You have it at home. What Dr. What do you get? Can I have it? A lizard tail mask? Probably. Eye of Newt. Eye of Newt lizard tail. It involves eye of Newt. The problem is there's like eight million under eye bag creams. Just pick the- Do the one that works right away. Do the video. Do the video. Don't go to shopping. There's the one that makes it right away. Go to video. I'll tell you which one. It takes the bags right away. Yeah, right there. Go to like an old broad. Don't go to- Yeah, is that an old broad? Disgusting. Yeah, there you go. Watch this. This is nuts. Is there Dr. Akash saying? I mean, look at that. She's got a butthole eye. Her eyes do suck. Her eyes look like elbows. They suck. Is that how we use Peter Thomas Roth? No, this is going to be good because I believe everything I see on the internet. This is nuts, man. She got two bags under her eyes that are- I mean, it looks like- it looks like an elephant's knee, right? And then within- with under a minute- He goes, now we wait. Look at that. Look at that. It just goes away. Is that crazy? Yank your head out of your ass. Is that fucking nuts? It's a fucking shitty product, asshole. Who's that? It's Beezer from Philly. How crazy is that? Well, it's not an- it's like movie makeup. What do you mean? No, that's a cream. No, it's just like a- it's basically a- like a gluey thing that like, as it dries, it just pulls your eye out. I think it's the same stuff that's in hemorrhoid cream. You can use hemorrhoid cream on your eye, too. No, because it's not so much shrink- it's- it says it hardens, basically, and it kind of makes everything flatten out. That's what they said. It uh- As she was drying it, it starts to harden. Still, it looks great, right? If you have baggy- Temporary, for sure. Asshole eyes? Yeah, this chick's eye sucks shit. I hate her eyes. No, that's not it. I wanted to fix it. She's disgusting. Show me one of these other pigs. We should go- I want to make fun of everyone's shitty eyes. You know what you should do, dude? We should go to Turkey and get a whole thing done. I don't want to go to Turkey. All right. Let's go to Mexico. They did something, I think, the Christine's ancestors or whatever. It's a lot of the- So, I saw the arty, I don't go. With the Armenians? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The genocide? Nobody talks about? I like System of the Down. I don't know any Turkey bands. Hmm. So- Do you like Turkey? Yes. I don't think they make Turkey in Turkey. They make fake asses and fucking hair. A lot of visual stuff. Yeah, this is a- We should move on. Yeah, it's eye glue. Yeah, come on. Well, I was very descriptive. Hey guys, this is radio. The audience can't see what you're seeing. Thanks, Jim. Oh, everybody- You don't need to see Frank Rillo's delightful face to know what's happened with her. Way too- way too- see- If this product I bought- You know, I buy a lot of Facebook stuff. This one is going to be a game changer in this room. For me and somebody else. If it works- Is it going to transform my life? It's going to- it could. It could in a big way. By you using it? By me having it and showing you how it works. You're definitely going to get it. A hundred percent you'll get it. Jacob's going to get it. He's going to get it. A hundred percent. I don't want to tell you, I just want to- when they show up- Pogo stick shoes? Huh? Pogo stick shoes? Close dude, very close. Okay, okay. I like that we're guessing here. I like that we're guessing. The guessing games was fun. You got to be careful though, buying stuff off Facebook because they have those scam, the Chinese scams. They're all scams. Not all of them. I think the intake breathing and the thing are going to be scams, but I'm getting them both. I've gotten stuff off of Facebook that is real, but I did order the piano once for Max on Christmas and it just- they sent me two harmonicas. Yeah. And then you also ordered a New England Patriot shirt that was made with a fucking- It was supposed to be a rubber stamp logo. Look, if I was going to believe anything that I'm seeing on the internet that I want to believe is that have you seen the new thing now? For some reason on the porn advertisements, it's just telling you to toothbrush your dick. What? Have you seen this? What? They say toothbrush your dick and it's going to make your dick bigger. It's crazy. Wait a minute. What do you mean? With toothpaste? I've seen some with toothpaste and some just brush your dick forward with the- look it up. Look it up. Wow. That's great. I have used a toothbrush as a vibrator, an electric toothbrush as a vibrator on a chick. I touched my cock with a toothbrush. Yeah. And it works phenomenally. No, no, no. This guy's going to show you that he pulls up shit. I believe that. Yeah, he said it's an advertisement that's coming up for porn. Wait a minute. Oh, God. We're going to watch a guy jerk his meat. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah, I got an electric toothbrush. Use the bottom, right on the clitoris and it works perfectly. It makes a girl lose her mind, Jacob. If you're in a jam, that's all I'm saying. It works on the clitoris and plaque. Yeah, it does. You can use one side for your teeth and one side for a cooch. All right, well, this is just a guy using a toothbrush to masturbate. You know what? You know what? What do you mean? I bet you were just hoping your dick could get bigger in an easy way. I'll just put out a theory out there in the world and see if the world will back me up. Guys, you could probably toothbrush your dick to getting bigger, right? Check it out. I love Jacob. He was like, do you have to use toothpaste? He was like interested. Sometime. I know. Don't we all want to make our dick bigger if we could, which is a toothbrush? I don't know. I've never heard of this before. Well, you have to ask questions. Yeah, it turns out no one's heard of it before. It looks like I made the thing up completely. Why have I seen a video of a guy brushing his dick? It's like animation almost. Before you porn videos, you're saying? Yeah. It's an advertisement. Yeah. I thought it was telling you the new way to get your dick hard was to brush your dick. To brush your dick. Oh, shit. You know what? You'd better serve your time going to see Bobby Kelly at Comics Roadhouse in Connecticut. Going back on the road, baby. April 17th and 18th. After that, he's going to be at Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, and then Cleveland, Ohio, Stanford, New Orleans, all on deck after that. For all those dates and so much more, get tickets at punchup.live. Slash Robert Kelly, of course. Go to his YouTube page at Robert Kelly Comedy and check him out every Tuesday night at 7 p.m. with the fat black pussycat lounges, the comedy seller. He's going to be there tonight. You're going to stop by. Nope. You were there two nights ago. Oh, two nights ago because it's then. Big J is going to be at the Funny Bone in Orlando this weekend, April 10th and the 11th. After that, he's going to be in Nashville for story wars. And then he's heading over to Kansas City to do regular standup headlining for tickets and all the tour dates. Go to bigjcomedy.com, youtube.com, slash at Big J O'Carson. That was a fun show. Can I get a plug? Oh, yeah. Make sure you go to Comic Wearables. DJ Lou's got his brand new shirt. It's pretty badass. I've already ordered one. He's got to get his Indian black girlfriend out of the ghetto. He's got to get her out of the ghetto. Or go to Lou Witzke on Instagram. Link in my bio, please. I can't live like this anymore. The gunshots in the streets. Dog, I'm telling you. I'm going to go nuts. Come up with merchandise. I hear comics make a lot of money on merchandise. Get your hustle on, brother. Come on. Make some moves. You need a Sufi. Get your Sufi. I cannot live like this no more. Enjoy your weekend, everybody. We'll catch you back on Monday. Yeah. No Jacob, though. No Jacob. Jake is going to be out next week. Florida bound next week. Jake is going to be frowning in Florida for a week. Yeah, in the sun. I never frown there. Oh, boy. Well, that's great to hear. Good. I'm glad you save all your good energy for vacation. We'll catch you Monday. Crackle, crackle. It's hard to concentrate when you're worried about your health. It can feel like there's a wall between you and the rest of the world. Like you can't be fully present. Hello, AXA Health. How can I help? At AXA Health Insurance, we build our teams with people who care. So when you need us, we're here to support you. For cover that cares, search AXA Health Insurance. Pre-existing conditions are not covered.