Stop Toddler Power Struggles (Without Timeouts)

We're currently running a special limited time five week Q&A series exclusively for our Bratbusters boot camp members. Throughout April, I'm featuring selected member questions alongside the most common implementation hurdles in an exclusive episode each week for five weeks. If you're not already a member, it's not too late to be part of this series. You'll get an instant access to the episodes already released and the final episode question submission deadline is April 23 at 3pm Pacific Time. Go to bratbusters.com or check out the podcast description to learn more and join the Bratbusters boot camp today. They're cute as a button, but they're all feet, no brains. Imagine if you've only been in the world for two years and the first year you were a potato laying on a mattress. They don't have context yet, but boy, their brains are quite empty at this stage, but they are filling up fast. You want to put good stuff in there. Sometimes he will look at me and smirk before he purposely does something he knows he shouldn't be doing. Oh, does he ever not respect you? He's just trying to get under your skin constantly. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie. What are we talking about today? Today we're talking about toddler power struggles. Oh, that's a good one. Okay. Yeah. I think we'll just start out with what age do you consider to be a toddler? It's just the way I've broken it down. It's about 16 to 35 months. 16 months is a bit of a gray area, but it would be 16 to 17, 18 months, not 16 to 15 or 14. So I'd say around 16 months to 35 months. Okay, I'm finished explaining that. And then what are these power struggles that parents are experiencing? It's just the fact that they learn the word know that they can actually have some control over their own lives. And they love to exercise it a lot when they're about two, especially when they start to get language skills. They say no a lot. Even if they want to do what you suggest, if you say, do you want to do that? No. And then they'll do it anyway. They just like saying, no, a lot of parents get their shirt in and out over that, which is the problem. Just say, well, you're holding my hand crossing the street anyway. So yeah, that it's just, it's just fun for them. Basically, that's all it is. It's just fun for them. And then I think some parents approach these power struggles with maybe timeouts. Are there methods that you do and don't use when it comes to toddlers? Well, I never use. So there's three things that are really commonly used that I don't like. One is the the worst one is the countdown is when they're doing something naughty and you say, you better stop that by the time I count to three. What you're saying to them is you can keep kicking the chair or kicking whatever they're doing. You can keep kicking that for the next three counts, but then you have to stop after that. And then there's no consequence anyway. That's horrible. The other one is the the time, time, pardon me, timeout. Timeout is the one that I like. It's not that. It's not horrible, but I don't like it at all. Timeout is when you put them in a corner and let's say you sit there for two minutes because you're two and you think about what you did. I can't stand timeout. It's just no good. And it just makes them feel bad. It doesn't really teach them anything. And then the other one is the diversion. It's when they're doing something naughty and you try and divert their attention because you never divert with broccoli. It's always done with something fun or interesting or tasty. So it's it's a rewarding, the bad behavior. So those are three things that are really commonly done or yelling. You know, that's a really common one. I don't recommend that either. Okay. So but the one I do do is called consistent corrective actions. And if they do something naughty, you just say one calm word. You just say no. And then you remove the fun from them or remove them from the fun. And you got to be quick though. And they're not going to learn right away. It might take 50, 100 times. Okay. They need a lot of repetition repetition because with them, it's not about words. And they're not really thinking before they act, but it can become muscle memory. A good example of this is let's say a two year old will touch a hot oven maybe nine times, not hot to burn them. But you know, like really uncomfortably hot. So they'll touch it maybe nine times, but on the tenth time, they won't. But there's not a lot of thought that goes into that. It's more muscle memory. Okay. So that's what you're after here. You're after sort of just it's been it's happened so many times that if they do something naughty, you remove them from the fun or fun from them. The consistent corrective actions. You've done it so many times that they just stopped doing the bad behavior after a while without giving it a lot of thought. Now with toddlers, you talk about just how important it is to have your expectation set when it comes to their, their power struggles and just their day to day life. Well, lower your actually I say that a lot with teenagers to lower your expectations because for a different reason. But toddlers are just experimenting. There's not a lot of thought that, you know, parents think, oh, they keep hitting me across the face. They must be pure evil. No, they're just hitting you across the face. They're just a toddler lower your like don't read too much into everything is what I'm saying. They might do crazy stuff. They might even stick their hands down their pants and smear poop on the wall. There's not a lot of thought that goes into that. So don't put too much emphasis on what they do and what they say. They're cute as a button, but they're all feet, no brains. They're just exercising their power. They're just trying new things. They have no context of life yet. They haven't experienced much yet. They don't understand most of almost everything yet. So they're just learning, learning as they go. They're fascinating little creatures. If you look at them, you really watch them. They are, they're learning so fast too, because they don't have a lot in there. They got this empty little brain that they're filling up at a really fast rate because they haven't got a lot of stuff. They have to push aside to make room for something new. They're just filling up that little brain so quickly and everything's so exciting to them. You talk about how they're in that discovery phase of the discovery phase. They love everything new. And, you know, I know with kids, what I do with little kids toddlers is it doesn't have to be anything exciting. But even moving stuff around. So let's say they are the type of kid who isn't good at entertaining themselves and gets bored or whatever. Just move their books around, put them in a different place. If they have a little dollhouse set up, move where it is. Put the dolls somewhere else. So they have to find them first. You know, just move stuff around. They like anything different. They like to have to discovery and look for stuff and find stuff and go, oh, this is fun. So yeah, their language is just about fun and play. Their love languages play. Should we get into the parenting questions about power struggles with toddlers? I think that probably have a lot of questions, I'm assuming. There's a few. Yeah, I would think so. Okay, let's go. Okay, the first one is Sarah from the United States. A lot of times with my 16, almost 17 month old is tantruming. He is looking to me to pick him up and hold him. Is this okay to do? I've watched Lisa's videos talking about how I should be acting almost like I'm waiting for a bus to come. And I do this, but he continues to reach for me to be held. Is it okay to pick him up and hold him through the tantrum and still act uninterested and not give him other attention until it's over? I wouldn't, but he is on that cusp. He's just 16 months old. If you are going to pick him up, I'd probably turn him around so he's not facing me and I'd probably pretend like I'm going about my day, not even realizing he's there. So if you really want to pick him up, that's the way I would do it. If he's kicking and screaming, just hold on to the back of his head so he can't headbutt you and hurt you or him. But just told him gently, but just hold him away from you. Now, what he's trying to do is he's having a tantrum. It's not huge on big emotions and feelings. It's more a lack of emotional control, not getting their own way. It's usually based on anger. So if he's trying to be picked up, what he's trying to do is pull you into his anger. That's why I tend to ignore them. I wouldn't pick them up, by the way, unless we had to get them out of the where we, if there's in a restaurant or something, I would, but I'd take them out and then I put them back down, let them finish the tantrum out in the parking lot or in the car. So yeah, just don't get involved in that. He's just trying to pull you into it. It's not a love hug that he's after. It's a validate my tantrum hug. Come on. I'm angry. Come on. Join me. Come on. That's what he's doing. And by the way, I have a lot of videos on how you manage tantrums and how, you know, my daughter, you just said the other day, we should come up with another word besides ignoring tantrums because there is a specific way of doing it. You're not really ignoring the child because you're right there, but you are ignoring the tantrum, the outburst. What other word could we, now I like the word ignoring. I don't mind being controversial. But you said we should come up with a softer word than ignoring a tantrum because we are, and yet we aren't because we're right there. You don't leave them alone having a tantrum. You're right there. What were you thinking? What other word could we come up with? I was almost wondering if we could crowdsource this because I feel like some people have explained it really well whenever I've looked online. Like they've talked about your method and they've explained it. I haven't like screenshot it, but I think the general consensus is that it's almost like you're acknowledging it, but you're not feeding it. It's like, I understand you're having one. Stop fertilizing. You've got to stop fertilizing the tantrum. Stop feeding it with attention. A tantrum is feeding it. So, but you know what? I like being controversial. Like I don't mind having no filter and just saying what I'm thinking. We are kind of ignoring the tantrum, but we're not necessarily ignoring the child. There's a difference. I know. I just always, or could we say ignore the tantrum, but not the child. We are just crowds. We, you're hearing us think out loud right now. Yeah. You come up with it. I just think that it's not like I'm trying to be controversial, but I've just always said it like that. And I don't mind saying it like that because that's what I'm thinking. But if you can think of a better way of explaining it, that maybe more people would maybe sort of understand it initially like right away. Then we'd appreciate your input on that. Anyway, okay. So 16 month old, I did recommend ignoring the child unless you really want to pick them up. Pick them up so they're facing away from you and you don't talk to them or look at them because now you're in the tantrum. You don't want to be part of it. I think just while we're on the topic of tantrums, do you want to clarify the difference between tantrums over needs versus wants? If they're having a tantrum because they're sick, hungry, cold or whatever, they really, you know, they need something from you. I never ignore that. I give them what they need. This is the tantrum over something that they're mad because you had to put them in the car seat because you're going somewhere or they're mad because they didn't get to eat chocolate at the supermarket or something like that. It's over those things that you're doing the right thing. You're following through and it's just they're mad because you took a toy away. You turned off the TV. You get the idea. That's the kind of tantrum that we're ignoring. Not because they're hungry or tired or cold or sick or whatever. Okay. The next one is Darcy from Australia. I have a daughter who's just turned two and an eight week old baby. What can I do when my two year old is hitting my eight week old while I'm breastfeeding? Okay. You make that. There's a few different things I could go with here, but whenever you're breastfeeding the baby, have something make it a fun thing for the two year old also. I would have a breastfeeding basket and in that basket that would two year old would only get that basket while you're breastfeeding the baby. Okay. So I would say, here we go. I'm feeding the baby. Here's your basket and they will associate you holding the baby, feeding the baby with something positive for them. Now in that basket, change it out every single day. So it could be like it just cheap stuff and you rotate it around like you have the same, maybe the same 50 little cheap toys that you got at the dollar store or something, but you rotate them around. So it's different pretty much every day or even every time you breastfeed. You might have several of them so that if you're breastfeeding four or five times a day, you got four or five baskets on top of the fridge and then you can change them all out the next day. But you just keep rotating stuff around. Okay. So then they get a little basket should have a book in there. You can read to them. So make breastfeeding something a fun thing for them too. Don't just say, I'm busy with the baby. Get lost. That's what they're thinking. They feel like you're just abandoning them. That's why they go after the baby. They blame the baby for it. They might start actually appreciating the baby. If that means they get one of those baskets. I mean, technically it is the baby's fault. Of course it is. Yeah, of course. But you know, I mean, just think about it this way. They two year old doesn't understand concussions and bruising and hurting someone. So they're hitting the baby. It's not that they're pure evil. They're just thinking, get lost. You're taking my mummy away from me. But if the mummy's right there with a basket full of goodies, yippee. This baby ain't so bad. The baby's fun. Baby's fun. Yeah. So that would, that's my first thing I would go for to do that. Okay. The next one is Shreya from the United States. I have a 20 month old who is usually a great eater, but recently starts throwing food on the floor. Sometimes because he wants a snack and not the protein or veggie he used to love in front of him or just randomly in the middle of enjoying something. I say, no, thank you all done and remove the food from him. But I think I'm doing something wrong because ultimately I want him to eat. So he is winning a K a not being getting the message because he was rebelling against the food. I took the food away from him. How do you approach toddlers throwing food on the ground? Well, a few different things I could say here is if he does throw the problem is if he's throwing food on the ground and he still wants what he's throwing, but he's just doing it for fun, this would work. You just say, no, and you throw it away and then you hand feed him. So he does want the food. He doesn't want you hand feeding him, but he needs to want the food for that method to work. So you throw it away and then you resort to hand feeding him. So he can't feed himself. In other words, you can't throw it on the floor if you're hand feeding him. If he doesn't want that food, you said something. Now I'm not a nutritionist or doctor, so I can't really talk about all this nutrition stuff. But let's say that there's something healthier that he wanted to eat within the meal that you're feeding him. And there's stuff that is still healthy, but something that he doesn't like as much. I would make it very clear that he has to eat that other stuff first, but I would do a two to one ratio. So I would say, okay, or even one to one. So you have to have a bite of that, then you can have a bite of this and you can control how much he gets. So you can give him like, you know, a little bite of something he doesn't like and then there's something he does like or whatever. You know, you know what I'm saying? You're kind of bribing him. You're saying, of course you can get this a thing that you like and it should be healthy, whatever. But then he has to take a bite of the stuff he doesn't like as much. But I, you know, kids have a very sensitive palate and I get asked about mealtime battles all the time. I'm always hesitant to discuss it because I'm not a nutritionist. I'm not a doctor. I'm not qualified to discuss nutrition. But I do think that they have a very sensitive palate and I'll tell you what I did with my kids. It's not professional advice. It's just a story of how I raised my kids. I knew that I knew the tastes that they liked and I cooked around them. So if they like pancakes, you better believe I threw a whole bunch of fancy stuff and healthy, healthy stuff into those pancakes. So I might have pureed cauliflower, some bunch of seeds, whole bunch of healthy stuff was thrown into those pancakes. So, but I would start with something maybe, you know, I'd be very careful with that. I had to watch the ratios or else they'd be on to me. Also with pizza, I made all my own pizza dough. I put a whole bunch of healthy stuff in the dough. I made the sauce from scratch and I pureed spinach into the sauce. So my kids thought that pizza sauce was supposed to be brown, but they didn't realize that I just, because I pureed spinach into it. So I got really good at hiding healthy stuff into stuff they already liked. Okay. Even if I was going to spread peanut butter on something, you bet. If I was having a hard time getting healthy food into a kid, I would probably mix that peanut butter with something else that I maybe struggled to get into them. So it's just something to think about. Like I said, that's what I did with my kids. You do you, you do what suits you. But overall, they do have very sensitive palates. Some of them are way fussy than others. Some of them aren't fussy at all. My goodness, food tastes a different when we went out. What do you mean? I mean, the pizza was different colors. Yeah, because of mom, I made everything from scratch, right? And even the bread, like I made all my own bread and that homemade bread, it's a lot tougher than the soft stuff that you like. They never had that white soft bread that you could buy at home. So they go out to birthday parties or whatever and they'd be these sandwiches with all the super soft bread. They were like, wow, sandwiches are really good, but mine weren't so good. But anyway, just envision me going from like your bread was very good mom. But imagine me going from that to in Australia, a fairy bread is so popular where it's the white bread. You butter it and then you put hundreds and thousands. It's just like really small sprinkles going from your bread to that. That was a big, that was a big jump. And it's not just butter. It's tons of butter. And then you dip it and then you put all the sprinkles on a plate and you dip the bread into the sprinkles. So it's ton. It's white bread. They usually take the crust off and then they just slather it in butter and then they dip it upside down and all these these sprinkles. So and it's called fairy bread, super common for kids parties in Australia. And my kids would go, wow, what's this? Because they never had a sugar really at home either. And then they always came home with a stomach ache though, because they weren't used to eating like that. So I'm not saying that you can't give your kids treats at home. I just never did. So but yeah, but my home and I hate cooking, but I still made everything from scratch because I was really into healthy stuff. But now when they were teenagers, they're going out to McDonald's and teenagers are going to experiment, right? But they both come around. They both tend to like healthy food now as adults. They sort of come back around, you know, they're going to experiment with McDonald's. That's right. They're going to experiment with McDonald's. That's the worst they're doing. You've done pretty good. Okay, we'll get into the next question. Experiment with McDonald's. As soon as that came out of your mouth, I was like, did you just hear yourself? Sometimes, you know, I was talking to a client today and we were laughing at how we can't stand our own voices. And I said, we sure sound different than the way we think they do. And I said, yeah, because I said in my head, this is how I sound and another thing you might want to do. And I said, but really how I sound is this is what you do. So different from the way I think I sound. I have become very aware of how we both found it with editing. Well, you have to listen to the podcast, but every so often she asks me to listen to one just to make sure I like something or don't, you know, whatever. And oh, it's agony listening to yourself. Okay, we'll get into the next question. So Deanna from the United States. My two year old keeps pinching people's faces, pulling hair and kicking and yelling go away when she doesn't get what she wants. Or she gets picked up and moved away from something she shouldn't be doing. She then starts to cry and get upset. How do I correct this? I have a baby on the way and don't want it affecting my newborn as I don't want to get stressed out too much postpartum. Okay, she's got a lot of access to your hair and your shins or whatever she's kicking and pulling in your faces. If I've got a kid who's who's doing that aggressive behavior, I'm on to them. I'm watching them like a hawk. If they're upset and they're coming towards me, I'm going to prevent all that stuff. So the first time it happens, you might be shocked and you didn't see it coming. Okay. But after that, they get muscle memory. They get used to doing it and they get comfortable doing it. So I would just say no, and I would just push her away gently and I just wouldn't give her access to me. If I have to to prevent her from hitting someone or getting violent with someone, I would physically restrain her for maybe 30 seconds or so. Let her go. If she goes after that person again, grab her again, just hold her for another 30 seconds and let her go. You're letting her know that she can't get those hits and pin and pinches and punches or whatever in the hair pulling in. She's getting, she's winning. If she, if you let her keep doing that, she's actually winning. If she's crying and having a fit, just follow my how you effectively ignore a tantrum. Okay. I always say you ignore a tantrum, but you don't ignore the child. Okay. I lied. I don't always say that. We're just testing out new ways of talking about that, but you are ignoring the tantrum, but you're still around for the child, but you're just not looking at them or talking to them. You want to be nearby and you want to make sure she knows that, wait a minute, I can't just go up and pinch anyone's face or anything because mom or dad, they're going to prevent that. Okay. You're allowing it to happen. That's why she keeps doing it. Okay. The next one is Elisa from Austria. My two year old baby misbehaves, for example, by throwing things or climbing where he shouldn't. I take away the object he throws or put him down from where he climbed. If we weren't playing at that moment, I stopped playing for a moment. However, he keeps repeating these actions throughout the day and on other days. Well, I know exactly what I would do. It might work. Like a lot of what I teach isn't what I would do because I'm already a leader and I'm teaching you how to become a leader. It's a little bit different. Okay. Here's what I would do because I worked with so many kids who were acting out. So what I did, I'm really good at setting up a fun environment. So I might set up like a, I put a big blanket over top of a coffee table or a dining room table. Underneath, I'd put pillows. I might tape a bunch of toilet rolls together and shoot little matchbox toys through it. So I'm setting up a fun environment. Okay. So in other words, I'm getting something to not distract him so much, but something new for him to do. Okay. So in other words, he's got no reason to act out because all of a sudden I've set up a fun environment. So try setting up something fun, something new. Now you go in there and you play with him and you say, let's, okay, we're doing this and whatever. So here we go. And you start playing soon as he starts acting out, you say, whoops, and you get up and walk away. He does not want you to leave that new fun environment. He will start to learn that as soon as he starts acting out, the fun will stop and he wants you to play with him. He wants you to show, show him how to shoot those cars through the toilet rolls that are all taped together. He wants you to be under that blanket underneath the table reading to him. So you just say, whoops, no, and then you get up and walk away. You're taking yourself away from the fun. So you're sort of removing the fun. I always say consistent corrective actions is removing them from the fun or the fun from them. But what I would do in that situation, if that was me, I would set up a fun environment and then as soon as he starts acting out, I would remove it. It's a big show because he's going to get it. It's a different environment. It's a different activity. And as soon as you say no, and then you get up and leave, it's just way more effective because you've got something new to do. You often talked about just the importance of that play time with kids in their world and how you can really use that in order. Like, for example, for this example, you could use it to your benefit. Well, that's all. You know, when I was working with kids and babysitting, I started babysitting at 11. I was just, I was good at this. This is just my thing. I'm lousy at a lot of stuff, but kids, I always understood. And I didn't have any leverage, right? I wasn't their parent. I was just babysitting or whatever. But I was good at connecting. I was good at being fun. But boy, did I get boring real fast. If they acted out, I'd just go, whoops, we'll try again later. And I would stop being fun for a while. Okay. Now you can't always do that because you're not always playing with them 24 seven. When I was working with kids or babysitting kids, I was with them the whole time. So I could do that. That was what I used. But they learned really quickly that wait a minute, she's fun. She makes me feel good. If I act out, I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel good when she gets up and walks away. So it becomes part of how they feel about themselves as they get older too. So it's not just about taking the fun away. It's about how they feel about themselves eventually down the road. So you're investing in tomorrow too. Doesn't feel good when someone who you've just been playing with who's laughing with you. All of a sudden you hit them and they get up and walk away. Right. They're going to learn eventually. They don't like that. Doesn't make them feel good about themselves. That's the long term psychology of it. But in the short term, they're just losing fun you for a while. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. Okay. The next question is Amanda from the United States. My two year old is constantly interrupting conversations. She's very good at waiting when I tell her that to for other scenarios, like when she drops her book in the car, but can't handle it. If I'm talking to someone, not even screaming or crying, but with full calm sentences wanting to be part of the conversation, showing me something or asking a question. I've been telling her, mommy is talking to papa. Wait, but the more I think about it, the more I think I need to ignore it. How do I correct this behavior? And is it even possible at this age? Yes and no. You said mama's talking to papa. So that's are you talking? Okay. Now a lot of I sort of was different with my kids. Like when I was on the phone or talking with friends, they would never have interrupted. But when I was just talking to their dad, we probably like if it's, if it's a couple, you're probably sort of chatting off and on all day or when you're around each other. So they can be ignored. They can easily be ignored. And then you decide when you want to spend time with them. I almost have a different rule for that. So in other words, you know, you sort of say, okay, we're going to play with them for a while. Like what I'm saying is you often ignore your kids. So, you know, like they often get ignored because even when you're playing with them, if you're playing with them together, you're often chatting the two of you. That's why a lot of kids interrupt their parents a lot because you said they're good when she's good when she's in the car. So she let she can wait, right? But not when you're just at home. So I'm wondering if she does get enough time when you're actually playing with her and not just chatting amongst yourselves, even when you are playing with her. That could be one of the reasons. Otherwise, I'd just say, no, just a minute. If you know that you are spending enough time with her, actually connecting with her, then I would just say, no, just a minute. And then you would ignore her and she can continue to interrupt, but you're just pretending you don't hear and then you do ignore her. But make sure that you're meeting your needs in the first place. Because a lot of parents say, we do, we play with them all the time. And then I said, do you play with them when you're together? And they say, yeah, that's usually when we do it because we both work and then we play. And then they'll, they'll, I find out later on, they're talking about their day while they're playing with the child. So they're not really connecting with the child. They're connecting with each other while they're supposedly playing with the child. Kids pick up on that. That's a hard one. Well, it's so complicated. You know, it's interesting. The longer I have a client, like a lot of clients, most clients rehire me actually. So they just want that ongoing support. The more we get into the nuances of this, it's all the subtle stuff and stuff can come out in session 50 or a hundred and they'll go, Oh my God, you never said that before. And I said, well, it never came up before. It's these tiny little nuances. Are you eye rolling? Maybe you're, you tell the kid, okay, well, that was wrong. And here's your consequence. And then you eye roll that eye roll just erased all the leadership. It's these subtle little differences, but I can't get into all that all the time. Right. But it's subtle. So when you are playing with her, does she feel like she's got your full attention? Maybe that's why she's interrupting constantly. I don't know. Do you think that's okay to do when you have friends over? Like, where do you draw that line? No, when I had friends over, what would you have done when I had friends over? Scrammed. Scrammed. You go play. They usually brought kids with them. You go play. They're, their kids would always come over and interrupt us, but my kids knew because I was so connected with them. Right. So they knew like they didn't, their cup was overflowing is what I'm saying. They didn't need to interrupt me. They already had plenty of time with mom. So, and then when I, and I would literally say scram. I'm just busy talking here and they wouldn't have bothered them at all because their cup was overflowing already. I was very good at connecting with them. So that's the thing. Are you meeting their needs in the first place? Okay. The next question is Candice from the United States. My son will be three in about two weeks. Sometimes he will look at me and smirk before he purposely does something he knows he shouldn't be doing. So for example, this morning he was running around the living room while I walked to the kitchen. I come around the corner and he looked at me grabbing my cup. I was drinking that was coffee on the table and proceeded to purposely spill it. How can I handle this kind of behavior? Oh, does he ever not respect you? He's just trying to get under your skin constantly. So yeah, check out the free behavior board. It'll teach you how to start setting up your leadership and you can't address that specifically. That's more of a sign that he just doesn't respect you at all. And yeah, he's, you know what? It's funny because he's actually begging you to be a leader. That's, they're almost saying, he's almost saying, can you please leave me? Come on. Do I have to pour coffee on the floor for you to get this? It's literally what it's like. Whenever I see a kid acting like that, they're literally begging you to become a leader. They need Craven want leadership. If they don't have it, when you send them out into the world like grade one, they're going to be susceptible to bullying, peer pressure, etc. Because they're going to be searching for a leader elsewhere. So yeah, he's just testing you. That's all he's doing. Start with my free behavior board. Check it out. It's completely free on my website, www.bratbusters.com. You can start there now. He's just two weeks under three. You can start that right now. And then, but not before that, even two weeks. Like it's right at three. It's when it starts or you might want to look into the bootcamp course. It goes into a lot more detail. Obviously it starts at the age of three. Set yourself up as a leader and he won't do stuff like that. Okay. They don't, they don't do stuff like that with a leader. They just don't. So he's just pushing you. He's testing you. Are you a leader or not? That's what he's doing. Okay. You have one final question. So, Michael from the United States. My son is 19 months and is throwing things through the baby gate down the stairs and almost immediately crying for those things. How do I train him out of throwing those things down the stairs? He throws his binky and his water bottle, which the water is in need, but the binky he can do without until nap or bedtime. He's training himself. I, I just leave it. Let it all stay at the bottom of the stairs. That's exactly what I would do. Oh, though. Bye bye. It's all gone. And I would just let it stay there. You said a water is in need. Okay. He can have that later on. Why is he walking around the house with water anyway? Doesn't he have to go in the kitchen? You can have some water in the kitchen. It's like, do you want some water? You can come in the kitchen. You can give him some in there, but yeah, don't let him walk around the house with that. So yeah, just, he's throwing it down. He just doesn't get it back. He can get it back maybe an hour later when he's finished having the scene, by the way. So yeah, he's training you to go down and get it. That's all that's happening there. He's having a field day with you. Like, oh, I threw it and get it for me. He's just having a field day. I can envision in these moments too, like there's, there's so much already going on. Like I hear it from you all online. I hear it from my friends like raising kids is a lot. And then when your toddlers throw this stuff at you, I'm sure it's a lot to handle in the moment. Well, unless you've had tons of experience with kids, you just go, yeah, they're just toddlers. I mean, it's just it because they don't seem to make any sense. You know why? Cause they don't make any sense. They're just forming their brand new fresh human beings. They don't have common sense yet. That's why you're, you're too busy trying to figure them out. They're not figure outable. Right. They aren't, but they will eventually clue in that if I throw stuff over that gate, I ain't getting it back. Let them learn that lesson. If you try and explain it to them and it just lost, yeah, they're not listening to you. Let, he's teaching himself. He's teaching literally teaching himself. Don't interrupt that process. Let him teach himself not to throw stuff over the gate cause it's going to disappear. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions. Okay. I think that's it. So, uh, power struggles with toddlers. They're going to try stuff. Just don't let them get away with it. That's all. And also they're going to, they're just going to, they're just babies. Still, they're coming out of babyhood. Okay. So they're just going to, like I said, they might even smear poop on the wall. Don't try and figure them out. Just go with it. They're cute as a button, but they're all feet, no brains. Imagine if you've only been in the world for two years in the first year, you were a potato laying on a mattress. They don't have context yet, but boy, their brains are quite empty at this stage, but they are filling up fast. You want to put good stuff in there. Okay. So let them learn the lessons. The sooner, the better. You're really fun. You're going to connect with them, but if they're naughty, all the fun stops. That's what you want them to learn. I remember when my kids were little, I used to be the panty monster every day. I'd do laundry. I'd put all my underpants clean, obviously on my head and I'd chase them around the house as the panty monster. They love that. But if they'd ever done anything wild, like throwing something cause they were over excited, I would have stopped instantly without even thinking about it. I would have stopped calmly taking the panties off my head and I would have said, we'll try again tomorrow. My kids wouldn't have argued. They would have known right away. Oh, we shouldn't do that or else the fun stops. You see, they learn that because as I said, their brains are kind of not completely empty, but you know what I'm saying? They're filling up their brains fast. I was putting good stuff in there to make my life easier and their life easier. Moving forward. That's what you want to do. Fill up those brains full of all the good stuff. I think that's a great place to end. Okay. Thanks so much for joining us. We will talk about something else in parenting on our next podcast. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses and private one-on-one coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.