"My husband won't open up to me" - Answering Your Toughest Questions

Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast today. I'm going to be going through some questions and answers From people who've left voicemails, which I'm very excited to listen. I have not heard these before so what you're about to hear is Raw real and totally Genuine if you would like to leave a voicemail then down in the description or the show notes You'll see the website where you can call in leave a voicemail and get your question answered as well. You ready? I'm ready. Let's go Hey Jefferson Jody Perkins now Jody Woodard My husband is one that's not too expressive in his feelings And I would love to be able to initiate conversations that Establish a safe environment for him to do that freely. My question would be how Would I start a conversation? Or initiate it with him with the intentions of invoking his true feelings While creating or letting him know it's safe for him to do that. Thank you very much and uh I'll keep watching your podcast because you may have already answered that Thanks, jody that is a More common issue than you think jody Where you have a spouse who has a very hard time expressing emotion Sometimes jody I have that same problem, right? I don't want you to think that lack of an emotional response is lack of feeling emotion because There is one thing to Feel it. There is another thing of emoting it So a lot of the times like I can tell you from things in my childhood of how I've been raised From my parents to other family members. There is this what I call static mode When there is some kind of conflict There is usually somebody within the relationship that can go static meaning they kind of get gripped By their emotions. They have a hard time Expressing them sifting them sorting them. Maybe they can't name them. Maybe they have something within them that is is very hard there's also um, you know people who have what they call like um reduced Affectivity meaning if that's a a bell curve right upside down that the extremes are going to cut off They have a hard time feeling sadness and they have a hard time feeling extreme joy So the right there kind of within that middle of ways to work around that so I don't know what Where your husband falls within that bell curve, but what I can tell you is I'm confident that he feels something And the issue is he's not expressing that emotion And I hear you being a wonderful spouse and saying hey What are some things that I can do to create that safe space to make him feel that this is some emotion to try out Here's what I would encourage you one Have a conversation of whether or not he'd be willing to engage in increasing his emotional vocabulary meaning we generally go towards and we're never taught that there is More emotions than sad angry tired Grumpy frustrated. There's all this spectrum of emotional nuance To describe emotion that we aren't using Okay to understand that you know what I'm actually feeling I'm feeling kind of dismissed I'm feeling kind of defeated um, I'm feeling Often and I can't seem to place Me and my finger on it, but I know I'm generally in this area And so one how do you do that? There's tons of resources online for ways to develop They also have like an emotion motion wheel where you're able to pinpoint different emotions to help express that more I would encourage that not just something he does but something that both of you do so it doesn't mean and try and pinpoint that he's some problem that you're trying to fix right you don't want to be able to do it to where Is like he's the project that you have to to work on that's gonna Make him feel more emotion And I have no clue if what he's feeling is tied up in some type of shame if it has something to do with his childhood most likely I'd say it definitely has something to do with this childhood It has a lot of emotional triggers and feelings are And how to develop that so my my hope Right now is giving you that it doesn't mean that it Emotions aren't there. It means they just need to be developed more So having increasing emotional capacity for that that vocabulary is going to help number two. I would encourage you Rather than saying things that criticize him For not expressing his emotions. I would encourage you to use open-ended phrases That would help him kind of go on this fact-finding mission of what exactly he is feeling A phrase that we like to use and a phrase that I Love to give people is this question. What's coming up for you? What's coming up for you? It's a very nonchalant non offensive non defensive way of saying what's what's happening Inside of you right now and I would even say some baby steps to take is See if he can even begin to express The feeling without trying to tie it to emoting it So if he were if he was able to say I'm feeling sad right now Even though his face doesn't say sad or if he's feeling angry right now And he's not able to express that anger just saying it is at least giving you more Of an idea in comfort because it's actually comforting him knowing that they are sharing this feeling They're just having a hard time expressing it in three. I would encourage you to take it slow Emotions are not things that can just be turned on like a switch as much as we would Like them to be and so how do you how do you do that some with a lot of patience? and knowing that It's gonna have to be Developed if there was question other questions that I could give you other than what's coming up for you It would be what emotion can I best help you with or Are you feeling emotions right now? Is there something that you are feeling and if he's not able to name it It's it's kind of this you have to take it baby steps and if he's not able to name it We try to go even deeper. Maybe it's something that's written down. Maybe it's something that it's the two of you are Are together with with maybe a couples counselor and you're able to say okay These are some this is a muscle that we're trying to Work together. There's not gonna be phrases. I can give you that's automatically gonna make him show more emotion That's not gonna happen like that my phrases are something that I can give you hope in and knowing that it will happen it's something that has to have a lot of patience and a lot of I just don't want you to lose hope. That's the biggest thing is that is I don't want you to to lose hope and so where you Find that piece of how can I be a safe place for him? Don't criticize it when you're not seeing it So I want to be very careful with that criticism element that you might be Tempted to go into when you don't feel like he's meeting you in that emotion There's a difference between wanting to and being able to And so it might not be that he doesn't want to feel that way He doesn't want to feel like he can't show that kind of emotion He really wishes he could but he is having trouble doing it That is usually a problem that happened long before he ever met you All right, and so we're all coming into the relationships at different levels. And so this is where this is where he's at So how do you be a safe space? It's the same way of when my son Or daughter come to me with things if I were to yell at them For saying that they did something wrong Well, all I'm teaching them Is that I'm not a safe place to come to again And that's never something that I want So if he is approaching you even with the smallest level of emotion I want you to if it if it makes sense. I'm not trying to push you into something that doesn't feel comfortable to you I want you to encourage you to use words of gratitude like thank you for coming to me with this I I can imagine that felt really big or you know, I I can imagine that that feels really hard to express And I'm I appreciate the effort that you've put into this So that's the biggest thing is to acknowledge even when it's a very small feeling to you It might be the most minor thing Is to acknowledge and affirm the emotion that is being expressed And I think that's a way of showing that you can be a safe space for even more Great question. Okay Hi, my name is Catherine and I live in Lisbon, Ohio my question is When you ask someone to forgive you for something that you've done Whether you did it intentionally or not is irrelevant But their response to you is no, I will not forgive you. I'm going to let by a god and be by gods So my question is how do you continue a relationship with someone? After they give you that type of response, you know, they are not forgiving you in any way shape or form and I am wondering If it's really possible to continue a relationship when they're kind of carrying that around with them Um, but trying to get off the hook by just saying let's let bygones be bygones I'm wondering how you would handle something like that. Thank you much. Bye Hmm Catherine Thank you for sharing that That can be really hurtful When you apologize for something and seek forgiveness And that forgiveness is refused One I have a big problem with that because You know, you you can't expect to receive forgiveness if you don't give forgiveness and That's going to be up to that other person. There's no words. I can give you Catherine. That's going to make them say. Yes I forgive you. Here's the the thing I want to Stick in your heart number one Apologies While they are for the other person That it is more a spoken acknowledgement by you That I have remorse regret that I have done something that my behavior my actions my words have caused I acknowledge that I I I I see that and I'm affirming that and I want to let you know That I am sorry for that. I made a mistake And I seek your forgiveness now forgiveness Is not a requirement For apology. Okay, you've apologized. That is your action Forgiveness is theirs and by this person saying, you know what now just let bygones be bygones. I'm telling you Catherine That's that's not somebody that I would really want to be associated with to be honest That's that's them not If if they can't see themselves in something, you know, they're what they say is they're they're so concerned about everybody else in their wrongs Rather than being concerned with yours That's there's an incongruence there and that to me is Is not okay. So what do we what do we do with that? Like I said, I want you to understand you've done the right thing You've done the right thing that being said Because I don't know what you've done and what the context is there is certainly A place where some things I'm not trying to say things all things are forgivable. That's not what I'm saying Though I do I'm somebody who is absolutely an advocate for grace and forgiveness and that's that that's the message that I'm blessed to be able to share it is the aspect of Some forgiveness takes time And so maybe they're not able to forgive you today Maybe they're not able to forgive you tomorrow or next week or next month or even next year or maybe for many years to come That is not yours to carry. There is healthy Regret and there is toxic chain and what I am asking you to do is keep it In realizing yes, I I did things that I've regret. I've apologized for that I've tried to make amends for that And that is as far as you can go you cannot make somebody cross that line and say I I forgive you at the same time their forgiveness Is not a requirement of you to also forgive yourself Okay, just because they withhold their forgiveness does not mean you are undeserving of your forgiveness to yourself for Whatever it is that you've done. So don't feel like that is something that You're never going to have complete Full circle on that you're not going to feel whole about all right. So You've done what you need to do to you don't need their forgiveness for you to also forgive yourself In three when it comes to people who say well, let's just agree to agree to disagree That to me is a little different than let's bygones be bygone So I'd see those things as two different very two different issues my Encouragement that I want to give you Catherine is you saying this doesn't feel right to me I think that's I think that's a true feeling that no, there's a reason why that doesn't feel All the way complete to you and that bygones be bygones is not good enough and I I agree because that's just going to be something that is unspoken in this relationship And so I would be totally open and encouraging of the conversation of bygones be bygones is not Enough for me. That's that's not going to be something that sits well with me There is either going to be some sort of forgiveness and amends that is complete Or we're going to understand that this is going to be a rift and a rupture Until you're ready because there's certain things that are going to take Time so I don't think you've done anything wrong in wanting to apologize. I think that's the of course the bigger move I'm not also willing to say truly Catherine that them not wanting to accept that the gift forgiveness right at that moment Is all the way wrong either sometimes forgiveness takes a lot of time and There's all things to be said of living in amends and being able to continue to Do the best that you can I think there's A place where both things can be true. So what you're doing? I think is exactly what you need to be doing I would just encourage you to know that their forgiveness is not required for your healing Thanks Catherine before we keep going. I want to talk to you a moment about cozy earth I love cozy earth. Well, in fact, you don't even need to hear from me I'm going to give you a text that I I kid you not I kid you not listen to me. You're going to say that can't be true. This is a thousand percent true I just got this text from my mama less than an hour ago She said it was so good to see you this weekend. It was my brother's birthday Birthday brother's wedding in Austin my baby brother. I'm looking forward to keeping the kids soon I love my pajamas that you gave me which are the cozy earth pajamas. I gave her last year I was thinking about getting another pair during their mother's day sale. Do you still have a discount code? One I think I can hook her up with some more pajamas, but this is how much I don't know if my mom loves anything more than these pajamas aside from us Dillards Calvates Bells and definitely cozy earth. I But for the rest of you I have a discount code go to cozy earth.com slash Jefferson use the code Jefferson and get up to 20% off That's cozy earth.com slash Jefferson use the code Jefferson forget up to 20% off the most comfortable pajamas. You'll ever wear Mama Fisher recommended and now let's keep going. Hey Jefferson. I'm janey from bank uber I work in the movie business as a camera PA. I have a supervisor who controls my bookings and sets my rate I've been underpaid relative to my colleagues and there's a history Of them limiting my access to better opportunities. There's a new project coming up and I expect a call soon My question is how do I ask for a higher rate? Without damaging the relationship for context. I had a conversation last year that went over poorly I opened with your framing and all was going very well until I mentioned a raise I opened on growth and career advice But things soured at the talk of money. I've been at a day rate of a hundred dollars less than my peers Often for the same work. Thanks for that question, man. Um That's not cool and that feels really unfair and I don't blame you for feeling that way Here's what I would encourage you to do and I I'm gonna feel I feel like I'm doing you a better service if I Approach this very targeted all right, because it sounds like you've already approached the from a position of Teaching career advice. What can I do? What can I learn and then it turns sour at the aspect of money? That's not uncommon. But what it does tell you is what you're dealing with. Okay, so how are we going to approach this conversation? differently, we're going to do a different tactic a different approach One, I'm going to encourage you to whoever this is. Let's say it's your supervisor approach them with the question Is there a conversation where we can talk about my salary without damaging our relationship? So you see how I am you're trying to separate the two Because I hear you say I'm very concerned about how do I talk about money without Touching this relationship. Well, that's beautiful language. Use that language like that same fear and vulnerability You're sharing with me that needs to be shared right there because that's that's the crux of it right there We're not gonna we're not gonna hide that so when you open with is there room for is there a place for is there a way? You see how I'm I'm I'm opening up a blank canvas Is there a chance? I love that phrase too. Is there a way is the room for is there a chance? So let's let's play it out Let's say I'm you You're the supervisor and I approach you when there is time for it and it's not something that's rushed and I say I like to talk to you about something that's important to me and I need to know something first Is there room for us to have a conversation? about my compensation that is separate from The relationship that you and I have in that we're continuing to build Period or I guess a question mark. So that that is very out in front Seems also very fair. Hey, they should be able to separate compensation from relationship to say hey, this is my security at my compensation and how I I feel valued versus What I know you already and I have whether it's camaraderie and what we're trying to build because what you don't want is The the money thing to go sour. That's one approach number two. Let's talk about timing Most people feel like they need to have these compensation conversations and just one conversation meaning We need to talk about my salary right now And if you don't give me an answer the answer that I want the fear from them is that you're going to leave You're going to find something else and they have to kind of immediately as any business owner or leader or manager They start doing the numbers in their head of oh, okay. Well, if I don't if I don't give them Exactly what they want money wise. I don't know if we can afford it. We got to look at the books I don't know. Do I need to hire someone else who could also do a cheaper? And they start seeing you as a commodity and as a product and as a cog not as jimmy the human the The the pa who's amazing at his job. You know what I mean? So Rather than thinking you need to have a conversation right now. What I would encourage you is to use this phrase add on to it This is a conversation. I'd like to have with you over the next few weeks You see how you've immediately lifted the burden of now I do think you need to put a deadline on it But when you able when you're able to kind of expand and say hey, I like to have a conversation I'd like to have this conversation with you This month before the end of this month or over the next few weeks You're you're signaling that this is something that we're continuing to invest in so let's talk about it for a little bit Go back to the drum board. Let's talk about it. You want this to be a collaborative thing. This is not a demand thing This is something that you want to work on together and that's that's very different number three. All right. You ready for the hard stuff this is where We got to talk about money and the fact that your Other colleagues are getting paid a hundred dollars more Than what you're getting paid even though it's the same as similar work not cool We're going to do something about that so This is where I want you to consider and I say consider because everybody's tolerance is different I want you to ask a question When you're going to know when the timing's right for this This is not a question that you ask right out of the gate. All right, Jimmy So you're going to begin with the phrase are you against? And this is what it's going to sound like. Are you against paying me the same amount as you pay? These other PAs And you hear how that's different than me saying is there a reason why you don't pay Me what you pay them Because what it's doing is they're going to find a reason. Well, yes, actually and they're going to go look into the comparison game and what they're trying to do is get you to show all the differences In discrepancies and rather than go with you and go, oh my gosh, Jimmy, you're so right and I'm so wrong They're going to try and justify every little discrepancy as to double down and say I'm I'm right. You're wrong But when you say are you against? That positions the question Of fairness that positions it in terms of what what's the What's the difference here? What's the hold up? What word are you pushing against? That you can't pay me the same. It's a question that There's an I like it is because it It gets them to a no answer Are you against? That assumes That they're not and so you're you're wanting them to get to a no, right? That's that's that's the win kind of so to speak That's the success. That's that's that's a good thing. That's a window here if they say no Are you against paying me the same amount that you pay everybody else? so that's a much easier Question for them that you are calling them out, but you're doing it in a way that is much more intentional calls in this sense of It's you're pretty much saying is there a reason you're not paying me like everybody else But the way that you're packaging the question is not going to pull out the spikes From them on that sense of defensiveness of I have to justify myself to you, but if you ask it, are you against? That's saying as if everybody else's go with this but they have a particular issue With it and when you're able to get to the heart of that, I think that's going to be really revealing and here's the takeaway if They're still not willing to and he goes yeah, I am against it because of x y and z and you don't believe those reasons are valid We need to find somewhere else for your valid valued Or you can feel validated That you're going to be paid just as much as everybody else for the same exact amount of effort. All right Awesome question all the best human man before we continue a quick ad from monarch I know what it's like when at the end of the year Um the tax season you're looking for tax refund and you have to deal with taxes Which are the worst and you're all worried about financial Ness of going where is it all Going how am I putting it in? What am I tracking? How am I doing a budget and what it's like to say? 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I need her to understand the problem and the pain she's causing She lost her dad. She's suffering. We all are but she is taking it out on me by Stealing using my debit cards and she's abusing the one person that loves her I want her to understand her pain and the pain it's causing me But in a loving way and I want her to get on the right path. Thank you so much Joanna I want to tell you You're a good mom And the fact that you would call me To ask for some things to say Is not something I take lightly at all I can't imagine what you're going through and how painful that must be to not only have Loss of your daughter's father, but also In some way feeling like you've lost some of your daughter She's 21 And she's stealing credit cards and using debit cards and she's causing you pain And I know that If you love her, I know that you you wouldn't be calling if you didn't and The things I'm going to say The things that are coming to mind for me Are things that I want to Send to you in the warmest most Genuine way that I that I know how right The first is going to be some tough love by me and that is You can't keep offering the credit cards and cards that's That would be to Enable the that kind of behavior and Of course, she's she's shown herself not to be trustworthy of that. That's not your fault what I'm saying is We're gonna have to do some practical things and that means some things are gonna have to be Limited until that trust is formed again because right now that that trust is Is having a hard time to When you have these conversations with your daughter and those these are conversations you're going to need To have I need you to approach these not in the aspect of Coming down on her that She's done something wrong because it's not about the money All right, it's not it's not about the credit card. It's that She did it knowing it would cause pain and it would inflict pain onto you and Any loss it's it's this uh this thing I heard once You know, I sat beside my good friend anger And It turned to me and said my name's not anger. It's grief What your daughter is feeling is the same thing you're feeling probably on a different scale Because grief is not linear but she's feeling a lot of grief and what she's doing is using grief as a way to Mask and blame and cause even more hurt because sometimes Causing that there's pain is At least somehow a little bit more of an outlet and escape from feeling your own pain And that's not fair and it's not right. So how do we how do we handle that? I want you to approach a conversation. So you need to have a conversation with her and I would open it up with This question or something like it however fits With you and it would be this Are you aware? That you're not the only one hurting Or are you aware? That what you're doing is hurting me Or It's okay to say I miss him too Without mentioning The cards at all the cards will be talked about but that's that's not the issue. It's like The issue is not the milk being spilled, right? It's it's always something else something deeper So at this point, I'm guessing join it. It's not about the cards. It's about something deeper And where I would want you to focus your mind Is I assume you're wanting to find ways to help her. I'm fine You're wanting to talk with her Want her to share her pain to be able to empathize with that when I think of something that I can possibly offer to Help what a hard and complex and deep conversation and issue that you're having What I what comes to mind for me Is a place and a mindset for you where You can look at your daughter and say My love for you is big enough My love is big enough to hold your pain Like like my love for you Is big enough to hold all of your pain To know that she can lash out and maybe even words and express And not know where to turn all this grief and this anger and all this emotion and that you can be that safe place without coming at her With condemnation or punishment Um or telling her how she should feel about certain things I think there's a place for you Where you can say I support these things and I cannot support these things and both can be true I can support you When you need somebody to talk to I can support you when you need somebody a shoulder to cry on when you're confused And and you need to hear a voice and for me just listen I can support you and I cannot support you when you steal my credit cards when you lie to me when you take my debit card When you're abusing the very kindness and love that i'm giving you I cannot support that because understand you not supporting that Is in the same way supporting your love for her because I know you love your daughter more than anything And you're wanting to her to be on the right track. And so what you have is an opportunity right now To be the safest place for her for her not to continue on to go seek Relief from her grief in pain somewhere else. I would have the mindset of she can You can hold it all All of the the pain and the grief that she's feeling right now You're a good mom, Juliana and um Just want to give you the biggest of hugs. I want to take a moment to tell you about timeline when we talk about aging will We usually like to talk about Our diet our exercise the cold plunge whatever it is But there's actually something that needs to go down at the cellular level. That's right. We're talking the mitochondria You remember the mitochondria the powerhouse of the salt? Well, it turns out that you actually need that energy And what timeline does all right through a supplement called modipure, which I've been taking now and it tastes delicious They're like these little gummies that are awesome like seriously. 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I am from Wyoming currently living in Utah I am a manager for a main net aircraft main this facility And my question is um Well, my problem is is the peer-to-peer Going from a peer-to-peer relationship to a um Peer to supervisor relationship. I'm now a supervisor above the majority of my coat my former peers How do you navigate being? Direct with people that have become friends What are practical steps? To get out of the friend zone with your peers and Uh continue to be direct. I I obviously want to be liked but And I think that is a struggle for me, but I do also I want to be direct. I want to get results I'm willing to change and find pathways to Grow and be direct And I think that's all I've got so Yeah, just want to get out of the peer-to-peer Area and start to establish the supervisor to peer relationship get out of the peer friend zone. That's my favorite Um, anyway, thanks Jefferson Dailin, that's a good question and I like that concept of how do you get out of the peer to peer friend zone? Where you you're all on the same level and then you get promoted and now you're responsible for them And what's the dynamic like you're just being friend zoned and are you still Are you boys or you're not is there this kind of? How do you communicate? How do you show them that there is that superiority at the same time? You do want some level of trust and friendship and Um camaraderie at the same time there has to be a chain of command, right? That's That's just what the business is. Here's some thoughts. Dailin read number one. I want you to Get very comfortable with the phrase. I'm telling you this because so start your sentence with I'm telling you this because And here's where you can add a little bit of trust because these I'm assuming these men and women they might feel a little bit slighted possibly the fact that you got the position and they didn't and so There's going to be this aspect that they're looking to see are you different? You know it has it gone to your head And they're going to start to count that against you of like, oh, okay. Mr. Supervisor here just said that I need to do x y and z and feeling like you've trying to you know What and in the legal world when a judge is making some big decisions will say he's he's feeling his robes In other words, you're you're starting to kind of fill yourself out a little bit. Here's what I would Encourage with that phrase. I'm telling you this because You can insert trust by saying I'm telling you this because I know I can trust you I'm telling you this because I know you appreciate transparency. I'm telling you this because I know you can handle it I'm telling you this because I know who you are. I'm telling you this because I know your work ethic You see how It's it's like a shortcut to saying hey, I could go through the I'm going to say rigmarole. I'm going to I could go through all the legalese of Sound more corporate sound like supervisor But I know you and you know me and I'm telling you this because I know who you are And I want to have a conversation about x y and z. It's like you saying hey, I'm just going to cut through I'm going to cut all the the fluff here and just get right to The point cool. So I'm telling you this because it helps get right to the point number two There should also be this aspect of y'all they're there for a job All right, and yes, you can be friends and friendly and you're going to want to keep that and that has a lot to do with your tone And behavior which it sounds like dylan. That's exactly what you're trying to achieve. It's how do you take it from? Friendship to also saying okay, we need to structure this in a way where we still get the job Done here. I want you to rely on language around teamwork language around organization teamwork around direction, so What I like to tell New leaders like yourself the more you can use words like alignment Direction Those are words that a captain would use right you're setting the roadmap of what you see So get really good at using language that kind of forecasts The direction and movement of where you're wanting to take them So instead of this hey, I need to have a conversation with you I'm not happy about what you're doing. This isn't going well or whatever it is Have conversations around I like to move us in a direction where you and I can do this more efficiently And I need your help with this right you're you're telling them you still need their help In the same way they need your help and so to have that open line of communication of that. Hey, we're going in this direction together That is you calling the shots. That's you being captain of the ship So to speak to allow them to trust that you're also going to take care of them and bring them on board With you you with me. All right number three let's say You need to have a really hard conversation with this person and they're friends and you like them and there's this guy who's Also another engineer and he's your boy, but this time he's He's causing you some Problems, right? You're not really sure how to handle it and you want to sound more direct I'm going to encourage you to use what I deep dive in the book as frames conversational frames meaning you are pinpointing Exactly the issue that needs to be spoken of and you are Naming the goal of the conversation before you even begin because it's often that we get it backwards So this is what a frame could sound like for you with this person that might be giving you some issues So you're going to start with number one telling them what you need to talk to them about Hey, I like to talk with you about some comments you made at last week's meeting two you tell them how you want to In the conversation. I like to begin with I want to walk away with that's that's a phrase. I I like to use Hey, I'd like to walk away with x y and z. So it might be one. I like to talk with you about some comments you made at last week's meeting And I want to walk away with the understanding that that's not going to happen again I want to walk away with trusting that you know That's not going to be putting us in a good position. I want to walk away with x y and z There needs to be something you are bringing away taking away from that conversation at three you get their buy-in into the conversation It's it's where you say that sound good. Is that work? Can we do that? And they're gonna they're not and that that allows you to continue the conversation only exactly how you want to frame it up so If you and this other person you feel like y'all are on ice or it's rocky Get really good dailin on speaking that out loud. So don't let these moments of hidden tension where it's like unvoiced Go unvoiced That that is a recipe for disaster when there's unspoken expectation An unspoken reaction to things you can tell that there's something in between you I want you to say it out loud and I'm not saying you have to like Read a magic ball and tell what's going on. It's as simple as saying I feel like there's something between us right now I feel like there's something unspoken. I feel like there's something more that you want to say I feel Oh, here's a good one dailin if I use this a lot when These these kind of edgier moments where you're not really sure how to gauge what the reaction is going to be So instead of using really concrete specific words, I use words that are a little bit more Ubiquitous words that have a little bit more give to them For example, you can go with distances In weather those are my two favorite. So what does that mean? Instead of saying what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You acting like something's wrong. I could say you feel really far from me right now I'm feeling a distance between us. I'm feeling like there's There's a mile between us and I need to find a way for us to be on the same page You so I didn't didn't say anything about any Specificity or about it or like in in um, you know, somebody's asking you how are you feeling rather than having to sift through that You say, ah, you know what? I I feel like things are kind of cloudy right now the thing that things are kind of stormy right now You see how it's much easier way to kind of dip your toe into getting them to tell you more And so I would encourage you to be someone who as you already want to be daily Daelyn a great leader To invite that dialogue. I like to say that a good leader responds to conversation a great leader leaves room for it And Daelyn I think that's exactly what you're wanting to achieve So I think if you begin with this very concrete stuff I'm telling you this because if you invite more conversation if you are Encouraging them and using frames And being direct when you need to be direct I I want you to be in the have the mindset that being direct like this Is exactly what they want Like they want you to be very direct. So even if you were to say I need to have a very direct conversation with you because I know that's what you need and I know that's what you want I know that's what you deserve Right. Hey, you deserve a really direct conversation right now and that's that's what I'm prepared to do I think I think you know exactly where that's going. So courage you Daelyn awesome conversation