136 | VISION: Kijuan Amey's Journey From Tragic Accident to Resilient Recovery

This is becoming undone. Well, that's my eyesight. I have a traumatic brain injury. I have PTSD, I have a spinal cord infusion, I have two broken legs that now have metal rods in them. I have a screw in my right foot and now my right foot is bigger than the other. For more motorcycle accidents. That's all it takes. We wanted a hardest part, so it was just understanding that I was letting you get a seat here. That was really the hardest part because you just think about the job that I bet to a joy. I'm a faith believer, so now, guess who I'm talking to, I'm talking to God. And I have a question in me. We are having it out, okay? To me, I was letting him have it. And he was like, he done it and he finally saw it. Well why not you? I lost the physical sight, but I didn't lose my mental vision. My name is Kiwan Aimee and I am undone. Hey friend, I'm glad you're here. Welcome to yet another episode of Becoming Undone, the podcast for those who dare bravely, risk mildly, and grow relentlessly. Toby Brooks, speaker, author, professor, learning scientist, I spent much of the last two decades working as an athletic trainer in a strength coach in the pro, college, and high school sports settings. And over the years, I've grown more and more fascinated with what sets Hitchie was a part. And how failures that can suck in the moment can actually end up being exactly what we needed to propel us on our paths to success. Each week on Becoming Undone, I invite new guests to examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. I'd like to emphasize that this show is entirely separate from my role at Baylor University, but it's my attempt to apply what I've learned and what I'm learning and share with others about the mindsets of high achievers. It's good to be back after an unplanned week out, getting back behind the mic. Last week we traveled up to Lubbock to see the daughter's music directorial debut in Lubbock Moonlight Musicals production, a Valeson Wonderland Junior, and we also got to see the son for some much-needed time together. Meanwhile back in Waco, I'm still taking two classes, teaching another, and generally trying to keep from drowning under what feels like a relentless sea of email. But don't let that come off like I'm complaining because I am not. This week's guest has taught me the value of seeing the good that can come from every circumstance. What do you do when the unthinkable happens? When your dream's vanished in an instant. Your body's broken, your world goes dark. For Kiwan Amy, that wasn't just a metaphor. After a devastating motorcycle accident left him with a traumatic brain injury, two broken legs, and the loss of his eyesight, he faced the reality most of us can't even imagine. This week on Becoming Undone, you'll hear how Kiwan refused to let that be the end of his story. From rock bottom to the rise of Amy Motivation, Kiwan's story is a masterclass in resilience, reinvention, and reclaiming purpose when life completely falls apart. This is one you don't want to miss. I hope you'll enjoy my conversation with Kiwan Amy in episode 136. Vision. Greetings, welcome back, Becoming Undone is the podcast for those who dare bravely risk mightily and grow relentlessly. Join me Toby Brooks has I invite new guests each week to examine high achievers can transfer them from falling apart to falling into place. Join me this week is a man with an incredible story, really looking forward to digging in. Kiwan Amy joined me from North Carolina and man does he have a story to tell. Kiwan thanks for joining me today. Yeah, it's great to be here Toby. I truly appreciate you having me. Yeah, so you reached out to me a couple of weeks ago, maybe even a little bit longer than that and wrapping up this Dictomy docuseries that we're doing and getting back into the groove of kind of one off story about people and what they've been through and how it leads oftentimes it's not a thing we would have chosen but it can lead to success nonetheless. So let's take it way back. What do you want to be growing up and why? Going back to elementary school questions, I like it. I remember answering this as if it were yesterday, no joke. I remember writing on the paper and we had to draw a picture by the way. So I said I wanted to be an NFL player and I wanted to have a wife and children and maybe even a dog and a mansion and a car. You want the dream, okay? Yeah. And so I'm sure that came with money. Yes, right? Right. So that was my main, I guess you could say goal was to be that. Yes, I did play sports growing up and then my backup plan was to go to the army because that was the only branch I knew at a time. I was only five years old. So how tall you saw were army commercials? Right. And so I put army up there. Sorry, army, but I'm not. I did not want to go there once I got older. I was like, uh, who words were you? Oh, but for one, no parts, man. And so yeah, no joke. That's literally how that happened and him, I'm an air force or tire. You know, yeah. So from those early beginnings in North Carolina, the Panthers maybe weren't quite so awful back then. But I don't know if you had an NFL team that you were picking or cheering for, but from there, you didn't up graduating from Southern high school in North Carolina and you enter, as you said, the air force at that point in your life, what were your goals and where did you think you were headed from there? Yeah, just a quick note. The Panthers weren't started until 90s. You're a young guy. So I'm showing my. I'm just saying I'm a home growing guy. Most people around here are either cowboys, redskins or giants. We didn't have a team back when I was little until I came around. But you know, yeah, what lay at me there was I actually wanted to go to college to be honest, um, out of high school, but an admission hiccup is what led me to the military. Tell me more. Yeah, I will. The goal ultimately was to continue playing sports like football and running track is what I did in high school. But understanding that I actually wanted to do more than just be a jock, you know, I have a brain and I actually used it not just in the classroom, but I was very smart on the field too. You know, I outthought my opponent. So listen to anybody who's ever played against me knows me and they're like, dude, this cat is crazy. And he is on the field like he out thinks you it's not that I'm just going to go out and try to knock you clean up. My goal is to just stop you where you are because that's the main goal is to keep us both safe, even though this is an egregious sport. Anywho I wanted to go to school for either computer or software engineer and here in North Carolina, the two best schools for that were North Carolina State University or North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University, which is short and here in North Carolina for NC and T. And I started to do more research into both of the schools and understood that NC State was more so a computer science school than it was engineering and the A and T was all the way engineering and everything. Whether it was computers, software, mechanical, automotive, they had it all. And so they're actually a really big hub for a lot of big businesses. I know a pipeline, should I say, for big business to come through and snatch up engineers out of there. So that was the goal I actually got accepted. Apparently, through a letter, I got accepted. But when I called them on the phone, the database said otherwise. And that's where it all began. I'm on the phone talking to this young lady and she's telling me, she doesn't see me. I said, I'm sorry, hold on. Let me fill my name for you. It's unique. It's very unique. So I do that. And again, I'm being told, yeah, no. And I'm like, what the heck? So I do a little bit of a, I guess you could say nowadays, not back then. I'll get back to back then. But we're going fast forward to maybe two months ago. I found out that that school is not the easiest to get into. You know what I mean? Like, good Lord. No wonder I didn't make it. You know, and so now, reflecting back on it, it doesn't hurt. But at that time, I heard. Because I was telling everybody, I'm going to ENT. I got this. That was later, you know, it's awesome. I even have Facebook memories. I even have a Facebook memory that pops up and says, I'm going to ENT. Woo-hoo. This might have been Kiwan's first real encounter with setback and disappointment, but it wouldn't be his last. He'd researched the schools he wanted to go to for a potential career and computer or software engineering. And he got accepted to North Carolina and T. Or so he thought. Although he received an acceptance letter from the school, when he came to town to register, there appeared to be no record of his admission. While the dispoimment stung, he didn't let his grief linger for long. He turned to Plan B, which was related to that goal of his child to serve in the military. Although unlike those early visions he'd had of being a soldier in the US Army, a local recruiting station would steer him in another direction toward this guy. It hurts. It hurts so bad. And so instead of dwelling on it and, you know, festering in that moment, I pinned it. It's time to find something else to do because the college want the only thing I just need to get there. And I can find another way to do it because I was tired of working fast food. Hey, nothing against boat jangles. I'll eat it all day. I'm not working here for the rest of my life. Right. That was a high school job. Part time, okay. I did that for three years. That would try to offer me an assistant manager position and everything. I was like, oh no. So I tell my mom, I say, you know what, I'm not even going to sit around and wait on this. She was like, but she said you wanted those. Well, I say, yeah, but at this rate, I'm going to have to wait until next semester to reapply. And I'm not sit. That's six months. That's six months. I have to wait again. And six months of working at fast food. No, no one. Which I did have to continue working in boat jangles until it's time to go to boot camp. But that's different. I at least I have hope. Right. And so I tell her, I said, listen, we have family members that were in the military. I have pretty big background. We had six Navy. One army that I never met, God rest his soul. He was not killing combat, but he passed away due to cancer. So I never met him. And then we had one Marine. I was the first Air Force. And then my youngest brother is currently in the Air Force. And we had one that's currently in the Coast Guard. And so we're all all bridges. Right. All bridges. So my family is talking Navy because that's the family or that's what we know right now. And the one that I'm closest to, even somebody living in my household was in the Navy. Who was in the Navy in the 90s? So I'm talking to them. They're pushing me Navy. Yeah. You'll enjoy it. It's like a cruise. And every time I'm a thing, so I doubt that's like a cruise. I've been on two cruises and I'm sure it's nothing like this yet. Right. So anyway, nobody's telling you to man your station on a cruise. Yeah. So anyway, I actually do go talk to the Navy recruiter though. You know, against me, against my every thought, I go talk to them. My thoughts were telling me to do something else, which were not the army. It was not the Marine. So the only other thing could have been was the Air Force. And I didn't really know much about the Coast Guard at the time. My cousin, he's just now becoming Coast Guard after the fact of me being in the military. So it was between the Navy and the Air Force. And so I say, hi. Well, since my family that have done it, a lot of them have, it can't be that bad. You know, I'll go talk to them. So I go talk to the recruiter. Well, the recruiter, sailor, semen, whatever you want to call them, Brooks is his last name. I'll never forget his last name because it's the same last name as my mom and my stepdad. So I will never forget him. And Navy, y'all can figure him out. He was at the Durham office. I'll figure out who he was because he was the reason why y'all didn't have me. No joke. He was the reason why and why is because he did not answer any of my question. That's a quick way to lose me when I'm trying to make a big career change in my life. And this is a pivotal point in my life. This is me going from high school to now, potentially a career. You know, I need some answers, brother. And the only thing I wanted to know, one question, it was only one question I wanted to know. How do I get my schooling pay for? That's a hit. Yeah. And he couldn't answer. He kept pulling out a pamphlet pointing at the pamphlet saying, yeah, this is the GI bill. You take this home and you read it. And I'm like, brother, I read that. That on the line before I came in here, I don't understand it. I want him to explain it. Not to keep telling me, yeah, take this with you. Okay, I'm going to take it with me. And so I found my way out of there after 45 minutes of my time being wasted. And I say, you know why? I got to go, I got to pick up my sister because my sister who actually went to the maybe. And I think we did that same guy. So he got one of us, Amy's. I walked out of there. He gave me that pamphlet that he was telling me about and his card. Yeah, man, call me whenever you know, you can come back set up some time to get you in here. I said, all right, you talk to you. I walked out of there. I found the news trash can. Peace out. You got to go. Right. I literally, I didn't even leave that building. I went out of their office, made a lift, make a right and go straight into the Air Force recruiters office. And I didn't even leave the building that many. And as soon as I walked into the door of the Air Force recruiters office on the wall was a pinnacle. And it said a community college of the Air Force. I said, they all come here. I said, this might be the place. Right. So I walked further in and there's nobody in there until I turned to my right. And I see both of the Air Force recruiters standing there at their respective office doors talking to each other. I said, huh must be having owner. Like it's just them too, and me in this one room. And so I'm looking at them, they looking at me. I'm looking at them, they looking at me. And they're like, can we help you? And I'm like, oh yeah, I think I want to join the Air Force. I'm just 18 years old. I mean, I was old. And I didn't have my mom, nobody with me. It was just me by myself. Because I'm really just going to gather information, you know. And so they were like, oh yeah, come on in. And just right there, that moment, I'm not even in their office yet, was different than when I went into the Navy's office. Yeah. Like the Navy guys, nobody stood up. Wow. They just looked at you. And it's right here. Yeah. That one at those moment. So it sounds like that decision kind of made itself for you, you know, in the Air Force. Oh yeah. And up a staff sergeant, I've interviewed several former military, former athletes. The stories are eerily similar in many ways when the career is over and you leave something that has been central to your identity for a long time. So you were a staff sergeant, refueling specialist. What was the hardest part of reimagining who you were after being medically retired or maybe dig in a little bit to what led to that retirement? Before I get to that, not just a refueling specialist, an in-flight refueling specialist. And I say that like that because some people get that refueled or that confused with me doing stuff on the ground, feeling planes on the ground. No, no, no. I was refueling them while they were still flying in the air. Right. So it shows me it's not easy. Not the same. It is not easy. Not even by a little bit. But going back to what you asked, you know, gosh, once that was Dylan. It's really hard for me because some people retire. I feel like I was forcibly retired. I didn't have a choice. There was no choice for me. I wear these glasses. They're pretty cool. I think they're like them. They're bows. You guys can sponsor me if you like. Thank you. I wear these because I no longer can see. That's my eye sight. I have a traumatic brain injury. I have PTSD. I have a spinal cord infusion. I have two broken legs. They now have metal rods in them. I have a screw in my right foot and now my right foot is bigger than the other. For more motorcycle accidents. Yeah. That's all it took. That's all it took. That's one accident, guys. And we never think it's going to be us. I didn't. I'm not when I was not one of those crazy riders. I didn't I've never put one wheel in the air. I only time I ever did that was when I used to ride bicycles back in the day when I was a kid. You riding around the block, you know. Yeah. That's it. I've never done a burnout on my motorcycle. Like weaving and out of traffic. Nope. I'm doing it. I respected the bite because I wanted it to respect me. Right. Right. And the other thing is, you know, we talk about my carmitting before careers in the military. I was head for one. Not just an inflight or feeling. I wanted to now fly that plane. Because I'm in a bat doing a refueling. I want to be at a controls now. Or they make the big bucks. They make the big bucks and I've actually proven to them that I could actually land that plane without any formal training. And I'm not saying I've actually landed the physical plane, but I flown their simulator and it feels very real. They put millions upon millions of dollars into those ships. And so to the point where I got questioned one time, they were like, they froze the semolina when I landed. And I was like, Oh, shoot what happened. And I looked back and he was like, you never flown before? I was like, No. Why don't you believe me? Because you fly better than some of the pilots we have. I was like, Well, that's not my fault. Yeah. Y'all did that. Right. But anyway, going back to what I was supposed to be talking about then, I felt forcibly retired. Yeah. And seeming to have really left a lot on the table in the military on our fill. Not listening when I tell you I was on a fast track before. So what's that? 20 in the library. It was either 2015 or 16. So maybe four or five years. I'm already putting on staff. That's that's usually not that fast. Like I mean, people don't usually do it that fast. You know, so not only that, I just wanted to do more. I'm always wanting to learn. And so that was so hard. I mean, when I had to retire and be moved out of what I knew, because I, when I said I knew this job, oh, I knew it. Like the back of my hand. There's nothing you, if there was something you would say to me about this job, and I didn't know it, it's because it just came out. That's the only thing. Yeah. It just what got released. Because I knew it like that. Yeah. So it's interesting because I mean, in civilian life, an accident like this, if you were fired or forcibly or in many cases, there would be an affirmative action case or a title of nine lawsuit filed because you were being discriminated against. In the military, you have to be physically able to perform most duty. So you've got the double edged sword of you're recovering physically from a tremendous injury and accident. And at the same time, you've also lost the only career you've really known since high school. So talk me through the mental and the physical recovery. Was there a point when you reached the bottom or was there a way that you navigated that space thanks to someone or something that maybe helped you along the way? Yeah, definitely, definitely hit bottom, maybe once or twice. And I would say someone's, yeah, glory. Because there were a lot of people who came through, especially in the clutch. When I was in that hospital, May 5th, 2017, was the date of the accident. First off, this was like 2 p.m. Ish. When it happened, up long day and find out till 10 p.m. That I was even in an accident. Yeah, I've been looking for me all day. Don't get me wrong because you're trying to invite me over for dinner tonight. This was a Friday. And so I was involved in this accident. I'm in laid up in the hospital and I see you. They're trying to find any next to kin where they drove a cruiser from Durham, Ish area, all the way down to Goldsboro, which is about an hour and a half. Looking at an old address that I had on my ID, where to the wise, always update your information. I'm just saying. Yeah. Because that's why. That's why I took so long. They're trying to find somebody who knows me. Nobody knows me at that address because nobody lives. I don't live there anymore. My room is gone. And now, luckily, I'm sure the officer probably looked through my wallet and saw that I was in the Air Force because I always kept my ID in there too. My military ID in there too. It says US Air Force. It never tells you what base it just says US Air Force, but how you can conclude where which base it was. It's because literally from my apartment that I used to stay at in Goldsboro, if you just look straight down my road, you can see through the tree line the runway to the Air Force base. So, it was a given way that that must be the base. So, literally five minutes away if you buy a drive, you can get to the main gate. And I'm sure that's what they did. And that's how they got in touch with my chain of command who didn't get in touch with my mom. And she was in Walmart, man. Just got there too. Doing some grocery shopping. I never wanted it. I would never in my life when I receive a phone call like that. Right. I don't care what time of day it is. You know, and the real public is even worse. What the heck? I wrote about that in my book by the way, and how she responded because she did tell me about it. But she took off running, man. Which she got the call. She just took off running to get to the car. And my stepdad was with her. And he said, hey, where you going? Because she hadn't said anything. She just listened to the phone call. And he said, hey, what's going on? She says, we got to go. And he's like, we ain't just got here. What do you mean we got to go? And of course, my mom, she yells. So, she yells it louder. We got to go. And then he knew the panic setting. And okay, something's wrong. Yeah. You know, they took off outside. And then she was quietly getting in the car. She's like, all right, come on, we gotta go. Where? You haven't said anything yet. You know, and she, oh, shoot. You wouldn't see hospital Q1 was in a motorcycle accident. Because she was now crying. You know. All right. So that's where they, of course, went to ICU. She gets to talk to the doctor. She sees me and she's like, no. That's not him. They can't even recognize me. Because first off, I'm like twice the size of myself. Okay. I'm so huge, swollen. Yeah. And all the injuries literally from head down to my right foot. I mean, tore all the pieces, man. Yeah. They're telling her to, you know, call out my family and friends. This is probably gonna be, you know, the last time you get to spend with them, I mean, I don't know how long he's gonna be here. We're just, you know, keeping a look up to the ventilator. It happened in a moment. But the consequences of those moments would impact not only Q1, but his entire family for decades to come. By his account, Q1 had been a responsible writer. He respected his machine. And at the same time, he was making his way in the air force with dreams of becoming pilot. But not only were those goals and dreams dashed at the scene of his horrific accident, his life hung precariously in the balance too. He was clean to fleeting hope, swollen beyond recognition with among other injuries, two broken legs, a severe foot injury, a spinal cord injury, and a traumatic brain injury that had cost him his eyesight. In that moment, in the days and weeks to follow, he would go through countless medical procedures aimed initially at simply keeping him alive, but eventually to regain function. It would be a long journey back on the road to recovery and the physical injuries were only half the battle. Man, listen. I don't care who you are. This is, this sounds like something out of a movie. Make what happened to me. And I did try to get some of my writers to write me up a movie script. I'm not even going to do that. Right. And so that happens and all my friends, my family and coworkers, anybody that found out was trying to get into the ICU waiting room lobby, whatever standing room only at this point. Are you conscious? Do you recall any of this or a pun impact? Yeah. Yeah. I'm gone. I am out of it. How long until you come to and start to realize in a normal situation? They kept me in a medically induced coma for a month. So May 5th was the accident. June the 6th is when I came to. I tell you what, felt like the best sleep in my life. I mean, I woke up like, woo, that's I feel good. Like it was some of the best sleep I'd ever had. I hadn't started moving yet because when I woke up, I was hearing people talking. Okay, now I know I live alone. So who's talking? I live by myself. I was not single, but I lived by myself. You know. So at that point was the visual impairment? Was that something that came on due to the brain bleed? Was that a structural issue that happened right away? What were your earliest thoughts? I mean, you got two broken legs that you can't walk on. Talk me through a little bit of the details and maybe psychologically what it was like to come to the realization that this happened to me. Yeah, no waking up was basically that. It was, I didn't know. Yeah, I said, like I woke up without the, I say the same thing I see right now is the same thing I started there. I woke up in the hospital. Yeah, yeah, no, I say I didn't realize it yet, but I couldn't smell. And I could not talk at the time because my jaw was broken. So they wired a shut. And the reason I found that, if I found out that my jaw was broken and it was why it should is because when I noticed, I couldn't see, I'm trying to get some answers. What are you doing to my eyes? It makes me not be able to see anymore. Right. We'll be back after this quick message. Hey, friend, let me take a quick second to tell you about something that's been making a real difference for me lately, Bubs' naturals. I've been dealing with this stubborn knee injury that I just couldn't get better. And as somebody that's spent most of my life pushing my body, I know recovery doesn't happen by accident. So I started doing some research and I checked out Bubs' collagen. And I gotta say, I can feel the difference. It's clean, it's simple and it works. Bubs' products are all about helping your body heal, move, and function at its best, which is a pretty good thing for a guy in my age, from collagen peptides to MCT oil, and now even hydration products. It's legit fuel for high performers, especially when your body's been through some things. And the best part because you're part of the becoming undone crew, you can get 20% off your first order. Just head over to BubsNatural.com-slash-undone. That's you in D-O-N-E to grab your discount. That's BubsNatural.com-slash-undone. Take care of your body, fuel your recovery, and let's keep getting better. Yeah, you basically heard me murmuring, like I literally, sorry, I'm getting like, somebody had a table from my mouth. That's basically what I sounded like. Like somebody literally put a piece of duct tape across my mouth. So what caused my eyesight to be damaged? Now, I do know my left eye, there are some damaged blood vessels. On that side, optic nerve, written out of stuff is fine. That's fine for somebody who with you so much, you think the optic nerve was knocked loose or something? No, that's fine. I have damaged blood vessels and a lot of scarring. I'm guessing it's from the face shield because I wear a full face, I wore a full face helmet. I see nothing out of my left eye completely dark black. Black, black. The right eye, I can see if it's really bright sunlight or that really bright light that is shining your eyes and the eye doctor. That stuff is annoying. That's another reason why I wear shades because my eyes are light-sensitive. Yeah. If you see me wiping my eye, that's why. And also because of the air, air getting in it because the eyelid on this side was torn off. So they had to recreate it. It's not the same. It doesn't move like your right eyelid. So it's just kind of fixed. Yeah. Now, you can hear me sniff like that because my tears run down my nostril. Right. If they roll into my nostril now. Yeah. Because all of that was literally jacked up. They had to go in and I have two metal plates in my head because they had to reconstruct or reconstruct my face. So they went in through the front. And it's kind of like a din in this area. Yeah. Right here. This is a din right here. Kind of wear all of it. They went in and did whatever they had to do. I'll jump in here with a quick personal story of my own. Now, first off, my story pales in comparison to Kiwans. But when I was 11, I had ridden my three wheeler, a big Honda 250 SX to a friend's house, miles from home. I wasn't supposed to go. And truth be told, it was far more machine than I can handle at that time. My friends had gathered on their three wheelers and four wheelers of their own and we were climbing these probably 10 to 15 foot tall nearly vertical dirt walls in a dry creek bed. I knew better and I was scared. But I let the peer pressure of the moment control me. So I tried to follow them up. It didn't end well. I flipped that three wheeler over on myself and I felt the gas tank crunch against my head. At the time, I had a full face helmet on. But the 350 plus pounds of that ATV landing on my head fractured my zygomatic arch and my maxelon the left side of my face. I was out for a moment. When I came to all I could see were the blurry outlines and I heard the panic voices of my friends. As it turned out, my left eye was pinned downward and my broken face wouldn't allow it to move. I was bleeding heavily. I remember touching my cheek to feel the damage and being startled at the side of blood all over my hand. I immediately went into shock and I was in and out of consciousness for the probably next several hours. When it was all said and done, it took reconstructive surgery, several wires, and a small steel plate to put my face back together. I was lucky to be alive considering I was more than an hour from the nearest trauma center. My summer baseball season was over. But by fall I'd gone back to school thinking that everything would be back to normal. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I still saw the big scar from the accident across my cheek and a smaller healing incision under my left eye where the surgeon had to access the bones and piece me back together. But what I didn't notice was the swelling in my face. I was made aware of that immediately once I got on the bus that first day at school. And what felt like every day all day at school for the next several weeks. Friends, enemies, my bus driver, teachers, everyone looked at me and then in horror said the same thing. What happened to you? You looked terrible. Were my favorite, please notice the sarcasm in my voice. You look like a monster or that guy from Mask. That's an old lady's movie reference if you didn't know. To this day, when I see that year's school picture, more fun. I honestly was happy to be alive until everyone around me seemed to be telling me what a monster I looked like. In that pic, half my face is still noticeably swollen and larger than the other side. And those were the retakes taken later in the year. The first batch was even worse. They showed a kid trying to smile through that surgically repaired face nearly swollen shut on one side. The reason I'm telling you this story is that while my accident paled in comparison to Kiwans, I now recognize that the physical recovery was only half my battle. In a pre-mental health era for kids, I was depressed, I was self-conscious, and I was downright ashamed of what everyone in my world was calling me, a monster. I still have those scars and that metal in my head still shows up on X-rays. Thankfully, I can get on planes without much hassle. But like Kiwans, the hardest part wasn't the physical healing. It was the mental readjustment to life after. And for Kiwans, it wasn't just a kid readjusting to the same old life. It was a career airman confronting the reality that in an instant, all the goals and the dreams that he'd been working so hard toward for years, just evaporated. And what was next was a season of being undone. So yeah. So I've worked with paraplegic athletes, I've worked with athletes that have sustained, career altering, career ending injuries. And psychologically, it struck me over the years that there are stages to recovery. And initially, there's a real resistance. The whole denial, anger, bargaining, except that whole process of grief. And a lot of times, I've seen this where the athletes that I've worked with, they just, they think they're going to recover. Like, I'm gonna run again. I'm gonna play again. I'm gonna be just like I used to be. And there's a real line to walk there as a clinician. You don't want to discourage your patient from trying to recover and be their best. But you also don't want to fill in full of false hope. You don't want them thinking that they're going to play again when there's just no chance. So at this early stage of your recovery, you know, you're really starting to come to terms with this new reality, what in your mind was restoration like? What were you hoping to return to? We wanted a hardest part, so it was just understanding that. I was letting you get a seat here. That was really the hardest part, because I mean, just think about the job that I told you. Yeah. In the Air Force man, there's nothing like it. If you've never seen it, go to YouTube, type in the Inflight Refueling, and you'll see some amazing videos. Some scary, but some really cool. Because there are some scary videos out there, but none of them involves people that are blindfolded doing it. I know, and not a watch. Hey, you might as well, some might as well be good Lord. You'd be like, hey, man, what are you doing? Will you drop last night? That's it. But anyway, so that job plus, I think God, he allowed me to still be able to use my legs. Why do I say that? Right. Things right there, man. I've been playing since I was seven, but I knew I had a love for him when I was five. Remember there? When I grew up in the church, anytime somebody hit a drum, I don't care which one it was. I'm glued. Yeah. I used to. You know what Air Drummin is. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I was the best Air Drummer. They were, okay. I was the best Air Drummer. There was in a church, okay. If you look around in a congregation and you see someone moving non-stop, it's like they're either autistic or a drummer, maybe both. Yep. And I've been a key, like you can't sit still in worship. I'm like, no, like I worship physically. I have to move when I hear the music. And I'm right there with you, like the thought that that could be taken as an aspect of your character. Like that's an expression of worship to the creator. Absolutely. And absolutely. And without that, I mean, the whole point of this show is that we can encounter adversity and emerge on the other side. But man, psychologically, I would really struggle if that were my reality. So I'm right there with you. Prime example. So this was after I woke up in hospital. So June, timeframe. I'm able to speak, by the way, at this point, they removed the wire. And my friend, who's also a drummer at my church, he's the pastive son. And he comes in and he's like, what's going on, man? I said, what's up, dude? He's like, I got some of Florida. And I'm like, oh snap, I just got these wire off. You must have some food. Like that's what I'm thinking. He's got food. And I'm like, he's like, hold your hands. I'm like, okay, it's a little interesting. But I want you to put a burger in my head and wrap it. But I hold out my hands and I'm like, what you got? And then he puts this thing in my head. And I'm like, okay. And then my mind clicks. It's like, touch the top. And I said, and then I throw my hand out, because that's what he was on my right side. And I throw my hand out. And he already knew what I was looking for. Do you know where I'm going with this? It was a practice bag. Yeah, sticks. I wanted those sticks. That's right. Dude, I put that pad on my lap. And I was well in on that bag on practice bag. I am teaching doctors, nurses, physical therapists, I can patient, I'll teach everybody how to play the drugs. This is how you do a single stroke roll. This is how you do a double stroke roll. And here's the triple. Just if you want to get fancy. Here's the pattern, parallel ditto. Here's the parallel ditto, ditto. Listen, what I tell you, I was going so crazy. You hear me with that thing, man. Oh my gosh, I was a kid in the candy store, dude. When that was like my favorite, one of my favorite times in the hospital, that it actually went to the gym. Working out was more fun than walking, because God, I did have to learn how to walk. It was so hard. Why was it hard? I'll tell you exactly why, because I had to go through it. It was hard learning how to walk again, not just because I broke my legs, but because, think about it, when you first learn how to walk, you got maybe 20 pounds or so. When you're finally on your feet walking across the floor, add another hundred to 120 pounds today. It's not easy. I've been laid up in the bed for over a month now. I haven't been moving at all. They've been moving me. You know what I mean? And so when they say, if you don't use it, you lose it. That is so real. And motor learning relies on vision, all your senses, but having to relearn to walk without the benefit of sight is a different ask for your neurological system, then relearning how to walk with it. And so I mean, that's an added layer of complexity to this that I'm sure made for probably some frustration and likely added some time to that recovery. The other thing that made it a little bit more difficult is I couldn't see anything, man. The paranoia was real. It was so strong, man. That fear of paranoia when you can't see what you're doing or see what's there. Like you don't even feel like you're doing it almost. Yeah. Like you feel something, but you're like, did I really do it? You know what I'm saying? Usually seeing is believing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Now it's gotta be feeling is believing. I don't like it. So that was like one of the harder things I tell you. Sure. In your bio, you make a statement that really jumped out to me. You say, I may have lost my sight, but I didn't lose my vision. What's that statement mean to you now? How's your vision of all since that day? What it means to me now and what it has always meant to me is that I lost the physical sight, but I didn't lose my mental vision. So sight to me is physical. Your vision is the mental. Generally, when we look at vision boards, it's something mentally we're trying to obtain in a goal, whatever it is, a step in life, you know, a mantra, whatever it could be. That is usually something you're trying to obtain in the future. And the future has not gotten here yet. So you have to visualize that. That's mental. So I've never lost the vision to do things. I got some goals in life. And I could definitely obtain them because first and foremost, there are things I've done that people who are sighted have you been doing. You're from, are you from Texas? Oh, you just know I got here as quick as I could. Where are you from? I grew up in Midwest, Southern, most Illinois. My dad worked in Kentucky. So it was kind of the northern tip of the South. We'll call it. Now I have a question. Have you ever been downhill skiing? I think you could call it that. It was more of kind of a controlled crash. I am not good at it. I'm six four big guy and I tend to tumble more than I would like. So yeah. Yeah, well, I just did that last year. I went downhill skiing in last year. I've been blind for eight years. Yeah. And just last year in Stovermont, I went downhill skiing. That's incredible. That's only my second time on skis, by the way. The first time I was sighted with them, I was in the military. We went to New Mexico and we decided let's go skiing guys. So we did it. And I was like, what am I doing here? I was like, this is not my sport. Yeah. And I did it anyway because I'm very athletic first and foremost, but then I got the opportunity to go skiing for a month. Oh, man, at first I didn't want to go not because I guess you could say because of the like I said, the paranoia of not being able to see. I've seen skiing with my own two eyes. So now doing it without, sorry, I'm like, I'm never gonna do that. There's trees out there and other people. And so when I went, there was an instructor with me and they had a headset, like a little, your piece with a mic in front of my mouth so that I could talk to the instructor. I could hear them and I could talk to her. Yeah. And when I tell you, first off, I wish I could remember her name. She was one of the best instructors I've ever had in anything. And why do I say that? I needed her soothing voice. Yeah. Because I on the inside was going crazy. I needed something to calm me down and I tell you her voice did it. She was skiing down that slope backwards. Wow. Telling me what to do. So you wait, you're, you're hot on you skiing, but you still to backwards and you still tell me what to do to correct way. Keep on points out an incredible truth here. He's done things since his accident and his loss of eyesight that he'd only done once before in his whole life and that some people never do. It's a testament to his grit and his determination, not to mention his courage and his trust in a skilled ski instructor. And while as impressive as that feet alone may be, it's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg as he's used his set back to create a platform of inspiration and motivation that continues to grow. But you know, it was still awesome. I also did rock climbing to the same trip. It was so cool. And I've done a lot of things and I appreciate it because to me, it's not just to say I did it, but it's to also show others that they can't do. Right. Yeah. Again, we're talking to Kiwani Amy CMO was Amy motivation. So you mentioned you hit rock bottom maybe once or twice. Today, you're CMO of Amy motivation. That's a long way to go from rock bottom to motivational skier. So what led to this idea that you can go from this pit of despair as scripture talks about it to a point where just like you said, your, your goal was to be an example to others that it can be done. How do you make that jump? Because every time I swear, I turned around. Somebody was telling me how inspiring I was, how I motivated them, how I encouraged them. And I'm like, what did I do? Like, well, what did I do? Oh, that post you put up on Facebook or that picture I've seen on Instagram. I swear, you're always going. You, as they say, you don't let any grass grow under your feet. And I'm like, well, I wasn't doing that before in life. Why would I do it now? You know what I mean? That's how I saw it. Yeah. Well, how they see it is, you're still able to do it. And you won't change because it is. And that's the thing that I was just like, you're right. I'm not going to let this thing slow me down. It might deter me. It might make me feel some kind of way sometimes. I might have to do a little bit of extra coordinating, but I won't let it stop me. Yeah. So, yeah. So that was the biggest thing when it came to that old rock bottom thing. And also my dad, he's disabled as well. So I don't like saying disabled. I like to say differently, able to, he's differently able as well. And he has been, I think since my junior year in high school, I think it's been at all. And I used to see him, you know, do things for himself. He ran a business. He used to run a business as well. And I'm like, well, if he could do it, I can't do it too, right? Right. Literally, that's what it's all about. If he can do it, why can't I? Yeah. Talks. He was worse off and I was, why can't I do this? You know, and that was where I think that's where that Amy came in. That Amy blood started kicking me because I had this last name. I'm like, that Amy blood started kicking in. And I was like, I could do this. I got this. I was a business owner before the accident. And I'm about to become another one. Right. And this is by the way, not my only business, but this is my main one. Right. Well, your bio also mentions you've got a book called Don't Focus on Why Me. Unpacked that title for me a little bit. Why was shifting away from that question so important in your journey? Yeah. That came from the hospital bed. In that hospital bed, again, after I woke up, I am now understanding what happened. My mom told me what happened. As far as the accident and I'm with my thoughts now. I'm a faith believer. So now, guess who I'm talking to. I'm talking to God. That's right. And I have a question in here. We are having it out. Okay. Hey, hey, I need you. Hey, come here. You know, you, you, you here now. A word, sir. Yeah, you need a word, would you? And I kid you not, man, I was to me. I was letting him have it. Yeah. And he was like, he, he done yet. And he finally said, well, why not you? Because that's all I kept saying. Why me, why me, why me? Yeah. He said, well, why not you? He said, and the things that he kept bringing back to me were the things that I was like, if only I had never heard this stuff before. Right. Right. It was like, did not say I have to test what I make. And there, whoop. There with testimonies, you have to have a test. Yeah. Precise. And in order to have a message, you have to deal with the mess. Whoop. That's right. And when I was like, I, what? Why do you do these things? Yeah. He said, you started questioning me. You put it back on me. I said, I guess you're right. Like you're right. When I stop focusing on the why me, I started to understand why not me. And I was becoming victorious and prosperous in those outcomes, man. Right. Yeah. I think it's a mindset shift for so many of us. Yeah. There have been times when I've been tempted to wonder why me or why I'm having to go through this. And I'm in to remind what said instead of asking that, asking, what are you trying to teach me through this? And that can pivot your entire approach to whatever it is you try and tackle. And I see that thread in your message as well. I've heard it said that when words aren't enough, you sing. And then the other part of that is when singing isn't enough, you dance. But I tend to focus on the music side. Music can oftentimes express emotions in a way that very few other things can. If we were to watch a montage of Kiwans life, what song would you pick to play in the background and why? Well, first off, I like what you just said. You're going to see me doing all three. I've seen dance and play. Okay. So you're going to see me doing all three, man. Ask anybody back in my middle school days at the dances. They call me crazy legs. No joke. Not even. I can't make that up. So any who, um, if I had to throw a song title out there, I would give you two. That's fair. And they're by the same, the same artist. His name is Titrabit. He's a gospel artist. The first one would be he turned it. So part of those lures go, the devil thought he had me. He thought that my life was over. He thought, by now, I'd give up. He thought, by now, I'd have no more. But that's when someone greater step them. My situation, my moment has now be good because he turned it. Proof. That's a good word. Yes, the word. That's the lyrics of that song. And by the way, if you're a musician or even a singer, you would love to hear that song because when they composed that, whoa, yeah, the music is going. Nothing. Yeah. I asked this question most of my guests. So you'll be dropped in. This will be part of the new season. But I will look that one up and I will drop that in the mix. And I will also put a YouTube clip if I can find it for that one. And you're definitely find it. You're getting ready to say, uh, say your next one. Yeah, the second one is only one night, though. By the same artist, only one night, though. And it's basically speaking on how weeping may endure for a night. But joy comes in the morning. Yeah. So weeping may do for a night, but only one night, though. When you cry, cry for a night, only one night, though. When you say, be sad for a night. Right. Only one night, though, because that's all you get. Because joy comes in the morning. That's a good word. I think too often I can find myself and any of us can. You find yourself in a circumstance that you wouldn't have chosen. You're tempted to pout about it. And if you are grieving it, there's also for me, there's a temptation to feel guilty about the grief. I love the sentiment that you're sharing there is there's nothing wrong with grieving. You just can't sit in your ashes forever. You got to get up and dust yourself off. And I love that sentiment that you know what it's okay to grieve, but it's also okay to heal. And exactly. And sometimes rise from the ashes. As the Bible says, beauty is in the ashes. So when you rise about, that's the beauty coming up out of here. That's cool. Well, you got a lot going on. The title of this show is becoming undone. We talk about how sometimes we unravel and that's undone. And other times we realize we've got a purpose left unfinished and that's undone. So what for Kiwan remains undone or unfinished? Oh, the impact. It's undying. I'm nowhere new done with who I'm supposed to touch with, where I'm supposed to be with the amount of speaking engagements, the pocket. Well, everything that I'm supposed to be doing is the purpose. I'm just the mouthpiece. And we have to realize that the purpose, that the why I actually just did a video on this, the purpose, the why we have to continue to hold to it. Don't don't stray. Because if you forget what your why is, you forget why you're here. Mm-hmm. Hold on. I gotta see that one again. If you forget what your why is, you forget why you are here. Yeah. And so we have to hold to that why in order to finish our purpose. Yeah. I call those purpose storms where you're just, you're shaken to your core. You've lost your identity in some way, shape, or form. And whether you have faith or not, a lot of times people would say, you know, I was an athlete or I was in the military or I was an artist. And when that gets taken, what's left? And that purpose, we have to reconcile that and figure out why we're still here. And so I love that sentiment. Well, how can listeners connect with you? I know you've got a book and you do speaking. What's the best way to drop some socials in there so that we can follow the work that you do? Yeah. The book is out. So guys, go check that out. You can find it on my website. It's a me motivation dot com. That's a m e y motivation dot com. Again, you can go on there. My book is on there. Don't focus on why me for motorcycle accident to miracle. If you just go search on Amazon, kendo, audible, and Apple books is there as well. The audible and Apple books versions are the audio version. So for my listeners who like to either run and listen, drive and listen, whatever you want to do. Skeleton line folded and listen. You know, you know what I mean? Just don't get too carried away because you might hit a tree. Yeah. If you want to book me out for a speaking event, whether it's a conference, a convention, a gala, I'll even come to your bar, miss if you want me. Listen, so you know, I'm all about doing speaking engagements and then follow me on socials. If you like, I'm on LinkedIn, I'm on Instagram, I'm on Facebook, all in my first and last name, Kiwan Amy. That's k-i-j-u-a-n-a-m-e-y. That's awesome. Thank you so much for sharing that. Kiwan has been a real pleasure chatting with you. Your story is incredible. I'm inspired just hearing it and love to see the work that you're doing. I look forward to continuing to follow it. My name is Kiwan Amy. I'm from Durham, North Carolina, CMO of Amy Motivation. And I am undone. You know, every scar tells a story. Kiwan has more than one. They tell countless stories of pain and purpose and the power of perseverance. And maybe that's what this podcast is really all about. Not avoiding the fall, but learning how to rise when you hit the ground. Today's episode moves you. I hope you carry that momentum forward. Keep showing up. Keep building. And keep on becoming. I'm thankful to Kiwan for dropping in and I hope you enjoyed our conversation. For more info on today's episode, be sure to check it out on the web. Simply go to undonepodcast.com, backslash EP136 to see the notes, links, and images related to today's guest, Kiwan Amy. You know, I know there are great stories out there to be told. And I'm always on the lookout. So if you or someone you know has a story that we can all be inspired by, please tell me about it. You can go to undonepodcast.com, click the contact tab in the top menu, and drop me a note. Coming up on the show, I have Mr. Motivation himself, Sean Murphy, to share how he has overcome a tough Brooklyn upbringing to now inspire and lead thousands through his work as a motivational speaker, coach, and author. Then I've got Lubbock's hottest car salesman, Jonathan Shorten, who has turned a life of near misses and heartbreaks into a career almost unheard of, especially at his age, where he routinely closes some more than 50 sales a month, particularly to high-inclines associated with Texas Tech. There'll be plenty more where that came from in the coming weeks, so stay tuned. This and more coming up on Becoming Undone. Dropped a little bit in the rankings this week, still hanging tough at 24 in the self-improvement category, but I'd really appreciate it if you enjoyed this episode, if you'd share it with a friend, and help us keep climbing. Becoming Undone is a nitro-hype creative production written and produced by me, Toby Brooks. Tell a friend about the show, follow along on Facebook, Instagram, linked in at Becoming Undone Pod, and follow me at TobyJ Brooks on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. Check out my link tree at linktr.ebackslashtobibrucks. Listen, subscribe, and please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or wherever you get your podcasts. Till next time, keep getting better.