Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card XII

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Today is wild card 12. 12? I cannot believe we've had 12 wild cards. We love a wild card. We do, cause you don't know what you're gonna get. Are you gonna get sepsis? Uh-oh. Someone might. Uh-oh, spoilers. Yeah, this is wild as promised, as advertised. Please enjoy wild card 12. We are supported by HubSpot. Did you know that most businesses, Monica, only use 20% of their data? That's like reading a book with most of the pages torn out. Yeah, or paying for a coffee that's one fifth full. Yuck. Point is you miss a lot unless you use HubSpot. Their customer platform gives you access to the data you need to grow your business. The insights trapped in emails, call logs, and transcripts, all that unstructured data that makes all the difference. Because when you know more, you grow more. And when you get a full cup of coffee, you can do more too. But I digress. Visit hubspot.com today. All times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had a mole. Remember one thing you gotta know, I'm a keeper of shiny. Hello. Hi. I see you're in your closet. I am. My closet is tiny. I live in a Cape Cod house, so it's quite small. How long have you lived there? I have been here for about five years. You and who? My husband. How long have you been married? About three years. He and his parents actually renovated this whole house. And then the last nail was hammered in, and I met him that next month. Oh, what timing, that's perfect. Yeah, worked out great for me. And then you lived there in sin for a couple years, and then you tied the knot? Yeah, as the Lord intended. Okay, great. What fake name are you gonna use? I told my friend I would use her name, so I'm going to be Brooke today. Okay, great. I like the name Brooke. It makes me think of Brooke Shields immediately. Solid. Okay, so this is wild card. Also, Monica may enter. She's late, but don't get disrupted if you see a small mouse cross frame and then join. I haven't had any small mice in my house before, so it'll be a first for me. Okay, great. Brooke, please set up your story. This story takes place in 2012. I was about to graduate from college. It was actually two nights before my college graduation. So it was a Friday night, I was supposed to graduate on Sunday. And I went to a party that was hosted by the college. So they threw a little graduation chindig for graduating seniors. And can I ask what your major was? I want to stereotype you a little bit. Do you want to guess? Lean into the stereotyping. Okay, I'm going art history. Okay, I love it. It was not art history, but I appreciate it. What was it? So that actually is a little bit of the story. So I'm going to reserve that information, but my undergraduate program was just a small liberal arts college. They can't host a party for the entire graduating class. That's how small we are. Oh, wow, okay. My friends and I went to that, and then after that was finished, we went back to another friend's dorm room in an area of campus that we typically did not hang out because it was where the first and second years actually lived. My friend that lived there had left for a semester and come back and that was the only place that they had housing available. So the party kind of continues there. And around midnight, we go outside to the smoking gazebo. The campus had these wooden gazebos in all of the different housing areas that were a particular distance from the doors to encourage people to smoke their cigarettes. The correct distance away. And now 2012, what percentage of the students are buying in darts? I felt like a lot, but maybe it was just my friends. Okay. So we go out to the smoking gazebo and when we enter the gazebo, we realize that all of the freshmen, they're all given a campus book to read as they enter their freshman year. And they all had taken that book and hung it in the rafters of this gazebo. So there were probably like 12 to 15 books that were stuck in the rafters of this wooden gazebo. And they're all kind of hanging with their pages fanning out around us. How drunk are you out of 10 at this point? I feel like in hindsight, I probably was drunker than I thought I was. Sure, sure. But I would say like a solid five or six. I would not consider out of control. I've had way drunker nights, but that combined with the feeling of like we're done with our undergraduate, we're celebrating. Nature's cocaine. Exactly, it really got into our system. And we decide that we are going to light these books on fire. Okay, great. And whose idea specifically? I mean, who can say? Okay, okay. We all stand up on the benches in the gazebo, flames to the pages. I'm sure you've burnt paper in your life. So, you know, there's a quick ignition of the pages and then burns out super quickly. And it's mostly just like the littering down of the book pages. Ash all over you. Exactly, we're getting covered in ash, but man, felt good. Yeah, exciting. We're in the gazebo. I am still standing on the wooden bench with my lighter up to the book pages. And I hear someone behind me say, what are you doing? And so I turn around and the person behind me is backlit by like the industrial lighting of the dorm building. So it's just an outline of a person. And with my lighter still up, I say, I'm lighting these books on fire. Duh. Obviously, like what a stupid question. So the person responds, man, put the lighter down and step out of the gazebo. Oh, that sounds like a law enforcement. It is a law enforcement officer. And this is where I learned three very important things. At the same time that we were lighting these books on fire, there was a freshman across the quad that was lighting fireworks off. And so Campus Police came down to handle that and they stumbled upon this scene instead. I also learned that there has been, for the last several months in this dorm building where I spend no time, a serial arsonist. Goodness, okay. Wow. That they have been trying to capture. And I learned later that this serial arsonist has been lighting trash cans on fire inside of the building, has been lighting rolls of toilet paper on fire and rolling them down hallways. So there's a serial arsonist at large. And this Campus Police officer thinks that he has captured that arsonist and that that arsonist is me. And with the benefit of hindsight, I mean, it looks like I have put kindling inside of this wooden structure. No, you want to talk about pun intended, caught red handed. I mean, my goodness, of course you're the arsonist. Then I admitted it freely. I have put books in this gazebo. I'm lighting it in a circle. All of my friends at this point have ran. So it looks like it is just me because I had my back to him as he arrived. And so he puts me in cuffs. I end up in the back of the car, my friends have all run and my adrenaline is kicking in and I'm realizing that not only do I have nothing on me, but I don't know any phone numbers of anyone that can help me in this area. My entire family, every one member I know is eight hours away. And now we're quickly approaching 2 a.m. the night before I'm supposed to graduate from college. Oh my goodness. I tell the cop what's going on and he agrees to go get my phone out of my friend's dorm room. And so he brings my phone to me. We get down to the police station. I'm booked. They tell me at this point that I was booked with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and that my bail was $50. It's just the booking fee apparently that they were charging me. So I call my friend and tell him and he says, no problem, I'll be down there within the hour. So they get me in a holding cell. Someone comes back in and says that they have spoken with whatever representative, whether it was the school or the fire department, I'm unsure, but they have changed the charge. They have upped it to destruction of property over 250 and arson, both of which are felony charges. Oh no, no, no. Well, this is just a horse of a different color and there's no way I can afford this bail. And they tell me bail is $250. Still reasonable. Not terrible. So I say, well, my friend's bringing in 50. Can I call him back? And so they bring me my phone again, which I also did not think you can use your own phone, but I call my friend again and I tell him what's happened. And I say, I have an arraignment in the morning. I can just say the night here, it is fine. $250 is a lot. I cannot pay you back immediately. And he just pauses and says, well, is it scary? Sure, sure, sure, sure. Are you enjoying yourself? I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not prison. And so he ends up coming down. He does come bail me out. At this point, I need to be in an arraignment in four hours at an undisclosed city in New England. And my family is preparing to get in their car at another undisclosed city eight hours away and drive to me for my college graduation. My grandmother has flown in from the Southwest. I am her first grandchild to graduate from college. My best friend is riding up with my family for this. I plan to just handle it, get through the weekend, not ruin graduation, and then tell them later. And I go in for the arraignment and I quickly realize I'm not going to be able to handle this easily because the judge asked me if I want a court appointed attorney or a private attorney. And I just blank and I say, well, can I let you know? I have no idea what to do. It's quickly becoming obvious that I am not equipped for this situation. It's more serious than you're thinking at this point. Yes, it's quickly becoming very obvious that it's more than it seemed like at 2 AM. And so I leave the courthouse and I realize I need to call someone. But I don't know anyone that's pre-law. I don't know any lawyers. So I think who's the smartest person I know that could maybe help? So I call my cousin who's in med school, which does not translate to the situation. But he does tell me exactly what I need to hear, which is why did you call me? You need to call your dad. So I called my dad and told him what happened. And I have never heard him laugh harder in my entire life. You weren't a troublemaker, I'm assuming. Is that the 80th call he's received? The first one. Yeah, OK, great. You earned a laughing. I don't really know if he was laughing because he didn't believe me, because it was just so absurd and out of character. Did you know already that they were trying to link you to this serial arsonist? Was that known to you at this time? Or did that come out later? I had a little bit of an idea about it because the arresting officer made a mention of it. So when you told your dad you were able to say, hey, they think I'm this arsonist, but this was a one-off. I was just lighting some books on fire. Yeah, it was just a comedy of errors. The simulation was not in my favor that day. Yeah, sometimes it doesn't go our way. It's a bad sign. Yeah, I mean, it was definitely in the wrong on that. But I had a little bit of an inkling because the arresting officer made a comment about it. So he kind of clued me in that there was a series of arsons that had been happening. And my response to that was I have put out more fires on this campus than I have started, which is true. This is a wild college. It's tiny, but it's wild. Yeah, a lot of pyros. I'm only one of many, and not even the biggest one. Yeah, yeah. So they've included, they're on their way to me. I get back to campus. I'm in the dean of students office, where I then get filled in completely on the arson situation. And I have completely convinced the dean of students that I am not this arsonist. It is just a different, unconnected arson. The flames weren't even sending the gazebo. Like there was no marking anywhere. My dad went back the next day to take pictures. But she'd suspends me for a semester. And she withholds my diploma. And she doesn't want to let me walk at graduation the next day because she wants to send a message that they don't take kindly to arson, which I cannot fault her for that message. But I'm also dealing with two felony charges on top of now this academic suspension and potential to not walk. So I beg her, like my grandmother just flew in from the Southwest. She is actively driving to me right now. She hasn't seen any grandchildren graduate yet. Like give me an empty piece of paper. I do not care. But please let me graduate. And she agrees to that. She still suspends me. The diploma is still withheld, but she lets me walk. But my family thought it was the funniest thing ever. My grandmother the entire weekend was like moving channels away from me at restaurants. Yeah. This is the product of being a really good girl your whole life. Is everyone can have a good sense of humor about it? They're probably happy you got into trouble a little bit. Well, this is their favorite story to tell. I actually was a little bit nervous about telling it just because I never am the one that tells it. They are telling it about me. Sure. Just as an update for the charges, they actually ended up dropping the arson charge altogether. They changed the destruction of property charge to under 250, which is a misdemeanor. I had to go to court-appointed therapy. They had actually recommended Firestarters Anonymous, but that is typically for children. Oh, is it really? That's a thing. Yeah, not a great fit for what happened with me. Typically, if you are going to that program, you've been starting fires for quite a long time. But the therapist also thought this was very funny. She laughed at me when I told her the whole story. However, I will say it gave me a very new perspective on how quickly something that felt very stupid or silly could derail your entire life. A lot of gratitude for the fact that it did turn out so well for me, because it could have been very different for someone else in a different situation, or even me, if someone had had a different opinion. We interviewed a kid that, like, I want to say that he opened up a fire hydrant to be funny, and it washed out an entire neighborhood above his house room in Utah. I remember that. Yeah. Things came to a wall. That's kind of innocent, though. Looking at millions of dollars of damage, oh, fuck. Did you have to get a lawyer to plead all that out? Did you end up getting a public appointed attorney? So the judge, when I said, can I let you know when he asked if I wanted a court appointed attorney or a private attorney, just gave me a court appointed attorney and was like, you can deal with it if you don't want him. Just fire him later. And my dad did eight hours of research in the car on the way to me, and was like, this guy's actually good. He's doing pro bono work. We're going to stick with him. And he was great. So after six months of no issues with the law, it was expunged from my record. So in terms of the law, everything is copacetic. But that is not where the story ends. OK. So five years later, my friend, she was at the time a manager of a restaurant. They hired a new employee who had gone to my college after my tenure. And so she said, of course, oh, my best friend went there. She got arrested for burning a gazebo down, which is an exaggeration. But yeah, yeah. Exactly. And that new employee said, oh, they actually replaced all those gazebos with metal gazebos. Because this was calling to the students to burn it down. They couldn't have around, too. They were like, we never caught the arsonist, we need to make sure this can't get burned down. But then several years after that, I applied to grad school. And in that application process, they ask if you've been suspended or had an academic blip on your radar. And so I had to click yes. And I attached a document explaining basically what I sent to Emma when I submitted to Armchair Anonymous. Like, this is what happened. And I actually got a call from the admissions counselor a couple weeks later. And he's like, I'm looking at this application here. And I see that you submitted that you were suspended from school. But I'm not seeing anywhere on your transcript that that's reflected. And I said, was it the end? So it's not super obvious. There's no gap. It's the last thing that happened. I said, did you read the attached document? And he said, oh, no, I didn't even see that. Let me go look at it now. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So he opens it while I'm on the phone with him. Then I get the privilege of listening to him live react to the explanation of my arrest for burning books while he reads my application for a master's in library science. Library science. Oh, that's him. That's him. And so add him to the long list of people that was laughing. And then so did you get your master's in library science? Yes, I've been a youth services librarian for about five years. We've never interviewed a librarian. No. You should add a librarian Armchair Anonymous prompt. We've got some crazy stories. Because people use them as like a public resting house. Yeah, you see some wild stuff. They call us the America's Living Room. Like we're the last free place you can be without the expectation of buying something. Yeah, like the Elizabeth Smart thing. That was at the library. You get a lot of heartwarming stories there too. Sure. That's a great idea. Have you ever caught any lovers? We had a bench at a library I used to work at that we called the Makeout Bench because it was like just around the corner. So we'd have to just break up like a bunch of teens. OK, some heavy petting, but nothing too extreme. That's an episode of Friends. All these people were making out in front of Ross's book. Oh, that's sweet. But he didn't like it. He wanted people to see the book. Oh, OK. Well, they covered everything in that show. They really did. I really come to realize. OK, well, Brooke, so nice meeting you. And then it's such a sweet story. As far as people getting arrested and almost not graduating, it's about as sweet as it can come. I mean, it would not have been as sweet if my family was not as fantastic as they are. My grandma set the tone. She was just like, this is going to be funny. Good for her. Well, it's so nice meeting you. Yeah, you guys too. Thanks so much. OK, take care. Hello. Is this Lauren? Yeah, so nice to meet you all. Yeah, nice to meet you. First of all, I just want to say we know there are photos coming, which is very exciting. We don't get to flip them over yet. But anytime there's photos, we're excited. And then are you in the South or just from the South? I'm actually from Dallas, Texas, but I am currently living in Greenville, South Carolina. Nice. Kind of close to you, Monica. Yeah, not far. And are you loving Greenville, South Carolina? Why'd you move there? For a lover? My husband is from here. Those South Carolina gentlemen, they can be real charming. They got a real molasticy accent. What is it called? Chivalrous. Does he have a dual man on the corner? He hasn't yet, but I mean, there's always time. OK, great. So you've got a wild card story. I do. It doesn't take place in the South, unfortunately. It takes place in Washington, DC, which is where I was after college, where I moved post grad. So back in 2021, I had just moved there. I was young. I was living my life on my own for the first time, which also plays into the story. I had just moved out there and I had a friend that was going to come visit me. We went out, we got dinner, and then, you know, we went dancing and it was great. And we stayed up late. It was really fun. So then the next morning I woke up and I'm like, Allison, I am not feeling well. So I had gotten a blister on the back of my foot a week earlier from tennis shoes, not even from heels. And I was like, my blister kind of feels weird. And she's like, that's so funny. I was like, OK, but I'm here to show you the DC experience. So we go do all the monuments. You put a bandaid over the blister. Do you wear two pairs of socks? How are you addressing walking around with the blister? I had actually worn boots because it was also November, which I had forgotten to mention. And my foot had actually swollen a little bit and so it wouldn't fit into my boots. And so I had to go and change into my Birkenstocks back at home. That are open in the back. Yes. And so I walked around DC. Probably I think it was a whole half marathon over 13 miles at that point. Not feeling great, but, you know, it is what it is. Oh, no. Yeah. So we go to dinner that night. I'm really not feeling great. And she's like, OK, we'll take you to an urgent care tomorrow morning and we'll get you some antibiotics. And I'm like, great. So the next morning we wake up, we go and the doctor sees me and he's like, you've got a little bit of an infection. Let's get you some oral antibiotics. He looks at the heel. Yes. And at this point, it's like a little red. It's not too bad in his defense and everyone's defense. I want to make that very clear. What did it feel like? Did it feel different than just like when you have a normal blister and it hurts a lot? Did it feel like different? Yes, it felt different and it also felt hot. I want to treat my friend to a good time. So then we continue on with our touristy. We walking around. It's great time. I send her on her way Sunday afternoon next morning. I have to walk to work because I don't have a car in DC. Most people don't have cars and walking to work. That was a tough one. It was pretty swollen. I had the mules where I could slide my foot into it, but also it's November. So I'm freezing. I get to work and I'm like, guys, look at this blister. It's crazy. And they're like, yeah, this looks really, really bad. You should probably go to the doctor and I'm like, no, I've already been that my on-or-lay and biotics gets fine. And this older co-worker of mine takes one look at it and she's like, if you don't go to the doctor right now, like I'm going to be really mad. I was like, but I don't want to pay to go to the emergency room because remember, I don't have a car and I was making no money. I didn't want to pay for a new wear. And she's like, if you don't go right now, I'm going to call an ambulance and make you pay for the ambulance. I was like, well, I don't want to pay for an ambulance. So fine. She's really laying down the bar. And looking back, I really am appreciative. So I go and I don't know if you guys have ever been to a emergency room, waiting room in Washington, DC. No, but we watched the pit. So I guess I have some sense of what it probably is like. So it's very similar to chaos, seeing every single type of injury. I saw stab wounds. I saw multiple unauthorized evacuations. Oh, wow. Keep in mind, I'm 22 from the South in DC. This is a lot for me. I'm thinking that this is not that big of a deal. I'm actually supposed to go on a first date the next day and I'm texting this guy like, Hey, I'm in the ER right now, but like, this is not a big deal. And he's like, do you want you need me to come? And the problem was that I told the nurse that this was like a level two or three on the pain scale. That meant that the stab wounds were going to get seen before me, which to be fair, that makes sense. So I go on 13 hours and they're still not seeing me. I got there probably two and like three AM comes around. I'm still not getting seen by anyone. So I'm going to go home. Yeah. This is crazy. At this point, the red has spread. The red has gone up my leg past my knee. Oh, my entire leg is quite inflamed at this point. I'm like, I think I need to go get some stronger antibiotics. I go back to the same urgent care guy and he's like, you need to go to a podiatrist. This is bad. So I remember back to the podiatrist. I've spent so much money on ubers at this point. I'm making no money. So this is really big deal for me. I go back to the podiatrist. So she takes one look at my leg. She's like, if you don't go to the emergency room right now, you're going to lose this leg. Oh, oh my God. Keep in mind, this is from a blister. Yeah. I'm like, this is crazy. I was just there. It's 13 hours and they didn't see me. And so she's saying, okay, I'll give them a call and make sure that they see you. But there is no if ands or buts. You've got to go to the emergency room. Luckily it's a whole medical district in DC. So I just walk across the street. Thank goodness. Cause I get there and they still don't see me. So it takes a couple of more hours. So I'm on hour five at this point. We just go to the emergency room again. My body starts to like shake. It is sepsis. It was exactly that. So shutting down. I go to the nurse and like, Hey, would it be possible for you to take my temperature? I think something's wrong. I might have a fever. And so she takes it. She's so it's 103. What's your pain skill right now? And I'm like, it might be at an eight or a nine. She's like, have you ever been at a 10? I'm like, no, I don't think so. Cause nothing bad has ever happened in my life. Like I've never gotten a bad injury. This is why you're so optimistic about this whole thing. Exactly. She's like, so I think that this is your 10. I do believe that you have sepsis and your body is shutting down. So she's like, we're going to admit you right now because if we don't, something bad is going to happen. I find out later that bad thing is in fact death. Like I would have died because it was in my bloodstream at that point. They put me on morphine. And this is when I really find out that it's bad because the morphine didn't stop my shaking. So you finally get me on IV antibiotics and my body, funnily enough, is allergic to this. This is an episode of house. Truly. So I get this thing. It's called Redman syndrome. I think they renamed it now because of, you know, it's bad. It's past my knee. My leg is red and my body's now match that redness. And they're like, okay, so now we have to flush this antibiotic. Cause obviously your body is having an allergic reaction to this, which they get really freaked out about because so much time has passed now, like the 13 hours, the five hours, the overnight, it's completely in my bloodstream. And so basically they get me back on a different antibiotic at this point. Apparently it was just in time where it didn't go into my bone. They were going to have to chip away my bone because they thought that it was in that, but luckily they caught it right for that. And so they finally at that point are like, okay, we'll admit you into the hospital and like, well, here, well, what's the hospital going to do for me? And they're like, well, we have to let the infection get through your blood stream enough to where it can basically like coagulate into like a little ball to where they can curve it out. This is so gnarly. Oh my God. This is where the pictures come in. So if you want to see the picture, I'm so scared. I'm very scared. Oh my. So there's like a little progression. Oh my God. It looks like you have an eggplant hanging off the back of your ankle. This is not a blizzard. I don't know how to describe this. Oh. Oh, yeah. Do they lance it? It took five days in the hospital. Basically they just had to let the infection get through to that point. And then they just carved it out. Like they scooped it out. The surgery only took 30 minutes. I called it my alien. Like it looked like a little alien on the back of my foot. Yeah. I wish that the listeners could see the photo. It's foul. It's blue. It's red. Way worse than you're thinking in your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really bad. It looks like a really poisonous avocado hanging off the back. Wow. Any damage to your Achilles? Your Achilles is right there, right? No damage. Still positive. Still positive. No, seriously. Like it really was the best case scenario. And so, well, the other thing that I was going to say is that during that whole experience, I mean, I became really good friends with the nurses. I'm on this internal unit and I'm the healthiest person there. Yes, I was close to that. But like I became friends with all the nurses and I remember one of them said, oh, like, are you missing anything? And I was like, well, you know that date kind of tough, but, you know, not like anything's ever going to come from it or maybe we'll just reschedule it. We did end up rescheduling it and then we did end up a year later getting engaged. Oh, and this is the Southern Gentleman from South Carolina. This is the Southern Gentleman from South Carolina. I knew he was a good one when he offered to come to the hospital. That first day and they hadn't even gone on a date yet. Did he come see you in the hospital? No. No, and that was for the best. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, he showed up and you had that thing hanging off your ankle. And he's still stuck with you. I would say that's about as good of a sign as you're going to get. Wow. He did ask to see pictures later and I was like, I don't know if that's good for our beginning of our relationship. I hope your visiting friend felt very guilty. Well, it's not horrible. No, it's funny. I texted her that I was coming on this and I was like, OK, is it OK if I use your name? She's like, no, people need to hear the story. This is like an ad for Neosporin. Yeah, cautionary. It is cautionary. You've got to clean these wounds. You do. I feel like it was directed at me in particular, which is like, I do not take anything serious until it's real life. Me neither. So this is my cautionary tale to you that sometimes things are as bad as people warn them to do. Sometimes the worry warts are correct. That's right. Most of the time we are that person you work with. Saved your life. Yeah, she saved your life. I know. Shout out, Natalie. Well, that was horrible. LaWarner was gruesome and I loved it. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. It was so nice meeting you guys. Thank you for taking the time and shout out to my husband, Will. Will, what up? Good lad. Way to hang in there. Yes. All right. All right. Thank you all so much. Bye bye. Hi. So what name do you want to go by? You can give me a name. I'm going to go Sarah. I like that. Sounds great. I know a lot of good Sarahs. Sarah is a pretty solid name. I mean, there's got to be a science to it really, like the kind of name that appeals to parents are going to be certain kinds of parents. Like if you name your son, Jagged, you're a type. We've already selected. That's right. But Sarah is like, I think you love Sarah's smile. Oh. You know, you like some soft rock. It's just classic. You can let the person become the name. Yeah. Sarah Lawrence. Not the other way around. Sarah Lawrence. Yeah. Okay, Sarah, can you tell us where you're at? Yes, I'm in Pittsburgh. Oh, wonderful. We were just talking about the pit. Oh, yes, it's so good. I love it. It's so hot. Have you ever been in that hospital? I don't know if it's a fictional hospital, but I've been in that area of the city. So I recognize a lot of the exterior shots. So it's pretty authentic. And for the folks who've not visited Pittsburgh, some of the most beautiful bridges in the country. That's right. And if you ever have a chance to come, go to a baseball game. It's one of the most beautiful stadiums. You get to look right over the river, see all the bridges. If the ball gets hit far enough, it goes into the water. It's really beautiful. That's fun. Okay, so you have a wild card story. This could be absolutely anything. This story took place last year. My husband and I got married just over a year ago. Congratulations. This occurred about three months into our marriage when we were still like very much in that newly wed phase. How long had you dated before you wed? Maybe a year and a half. Okay, pretty quick, pretty accelerated. We're both a little bit older. And so we just kind of knew it was a great fit and we were in love. And let's do it. When we got married, I moved into his townhouse and his townhouse is three floors, you know, kind of narrow. And my husband is a wonderful guy. He's a special education teacher. He's very funny and sweet and patient. And he's also kind of like a techie. He loves gadgets. So if there's like a single use kitchen item that he can purchase, he will purchase it. And he has four different Alexa's through the house. The Alexa's have an announcement feature. So I would use it for something like I'm in the kitchen, he's on the top floor. I'd say, you know, hey, Alexa, make an announcement, dinner is ready. And then it would go ding, ding, dinner is ready. And work says like a PA system. Yes. So that's how I used the PA system. My husband used it a very different way from the beginning of our marriage. I work from home and if he came home and was ready for sexy times, he would use the PA to make that known throughout the home. Okay. He'd make a proclamation. Yeah. Like flirting. And so on this particular day, I'm working from home. I hear the door close and I hear like the ding, ding. And he immediately is going into it. And I would like to say that there were a range of announcements for maybe like 15 minutes, because, you know, he's coming in, he's making a sandwich. He's taking his work clothes off, you know, all the stuff. And I'm still in my office working. They were a range of more of like those dirty talk. I am not good at dirty talk. Okay. The deep voice of like, I'm going to stick this in this place. I'm going to touch you like this. Very graphic. Where did it start? Give me one example of how it started. Does it start like, you know, announcement, hi baby, I'm home. Like where does it start? We texted through the day. This is a hot relationship. I'm loving it. You're getting everyone's getting primed. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, one of the first, you know, I'm going to lick you from the head to foot. Oh, hot. But it was also kind of silly. He has to be once because he's a very silly person where he'd be like ding, ding. And he'd be like, my wife has a beautiful ass. And I'm so excited to squeeze it. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I like. After 10, 15 minutes of that dirty talk, we eventually do the things that we've been discussing. And then we're both sitting in the living room, like sitting on the couches and his phone dings. And it's a text from his cousin who says, hey, my parents just called and said that they heard your voice throughout their home saying the most nasty things. And there is no way that your wife would be OK with you doing this. Like what the hell is going on? How on earth? And it turns out that my wonderful husband, who is very kind, is also the techie of his family. So when anybody in the family, an older relative wanted their own Alexa, they would call him and say, hey, could you set this up for me? So basically without being aware, he had created a network of Alexa's in his aunt and uncle's home and his parents. And his school classroom. Yes, was quite terrifying. Oh, this is life ending and career ending all at once. Yes. What I don't understand still to this day is he had made those types of announcements for like the three months that we had been married. So why was it now that we were being actually told about this when it had clearly been playing everywhere? Because they're old and confused. They don't know what's going on. And it finally got too extreme. I made him go and immediately disconnect. I was like, I don't care if you're embarrassed. You are going to go to their home right now. You're going to drive over there and you're going to disconnect there. Alexa's and then you're going to go around to every other relative that has also had this happening and you were going to do this. But like, he was not embarrassed. Oh, wow. This day, I asked him, I was like, I'm going to be on armchair not a minute. It's like, do you have anything you want to add because you can't be there? And he was like, I'm not embarrassed. I was getting it and I was getting it with my wife. Good for him. I kind of agree. You're my mother and my father here. Maybe they weren't home. Maybe for three months. Yeah, they weren't home. If I were you, I would have just thought of the very worst thing that was said. And then that would just play on a loop in my head. And then I'd probably move to the second. Like, oh my God, Emma May heard that. Were you caught in that loop? It was so bad that I knew if I wanted to stay a part of this family, I was going to need to get over this very quickly and also try to control the narrative. So like what I ended up doing was the first family gathering after this incident was like two days later. Oh. I immediately, I went up to like so many groups. Like, did you hear what my husband did with the Alexa? Like, did you hear about that? How crazy is that? And I just went face on. Okay, you owned it. His family is really sweet. Like they're a wonderful Pittsburgh family. They were great. And they were like, you know what? We wish that we had this in our marriage. Or like, this is what we wish that we were doing. That's nice. Good for you guys. They did that. Yeah. So they were sweet and really understanding. The only saving grace turn myself was that I never responded to him with any of those messages. Like I never gave it back that way. And so I felt like I at least didn't expose myself that way. Yes, there is a glass half full here. That's a lot to be grateful for. Were they implying that it wasn't you? Because they said you would never. It was more like, they never thought my husband would intentionally do these things. But was he? Like just that little question, you know, like, does he know that this is being broadcast? Like was he fucking with us? That's tough. And then luckily, I guess everyone was always out of the classroom when he was out of the classroom because that would be a real tough one. Yeah. I'm so glad that like no janitor or, you know, other after hours person overheard this. So he also immediately had to disconnect them. Oh my God. So we moved recently and none of the electives made it during the move. I made sure of that. Wow. That is funny. Yeah. That's a tall price to pay to have an intercom system. Sure. I often think, God, I wish we had an intercom system. In fact, I just bought a cheap version of it and no one adopted to it. So now we just scream. We scream at the top of our line. Yeah. The thing that got me is I asked him like, how are you techie and didn't know that all of these were connected? And he was like, well, you know, actually at one point I did know because I intentionally made sure they were connected. And what he would do is he would make an announcement and like fart at the Alexa and then it would play the fart in all of his family's home. Oh, he's a rascal. His name Rob Hollis. Are you married? Rob doesn't fart. We learned. Well, you might over the intercom. That might be how he gets it out. That tops for me the embarrassment level of what Aaron did on the Zoom meeting and AA. So that's pretty mega. Well, I'm glad I could share it with you. Thanks for chatting with us. Lovely meeting you. And please think your husband because obviously without his go get our attitude. I guess that's what we could call it. Yeah. Sure. I will let him know. All right. Take care. Bye bye. Hi, Michelle. Hi. Oh, wonderful. We can hear you beautifully. Have you hung a sheet behind yourself? It's a large blanket. I feel like I look like I'm in like a hostage. I was just thinking if we wanted to change out your wardrobe and your background, it'd be easy to do because we're almost at that green that we use. You can tell what my favorite color is. Green's a great favorite color. Geniuses. That's what they say. Do you know different shades of green? I mean, I only know a couple. Are you an aficionado? No, I do. Kelly, Sage, Emerald, Forest, Seafoam. Seafoam. Seafoam. British Racing Green. There's a lot. And where are you, Michelle? I'm currently in Northeastern Pennsylvania, but I am from Eastern North Carolina. Close to the water? Right on the intercoastal waterway. Oh, no kidding. Okay. So you have a wild card story. Please lay it out for us. The prompt I put on there was tell us a crazy ATV story. My kind of story. I'll just give you a little bit of background. I'm the youngest of five kids and the only girl. Growing up with four older brothers was fun, but we kind of got into a little bit of craziness and probably did some stupid things also. This took place where I grew up in Eastern North Carolina. It was in 2005. I was 14, freshman in high school. It was a rainy Saturday in October. My family was all kind of doing our own thing. My oldest brother, Jeff, was 21 at the time. He was away at college. My second oldest brother, Doug, was 19. He was upstairs asleep, like well beyond noon. He comes into the story a little bit later. My brother, Greg, he was 17. He was taking the SATs that morning. And then my youngest brother, Curtis, is just a year older than me. So he was 15 and him and his best friend, Brett, were just kind of hanging around the house. And then my parents had actually just left to drive to Durham to go to a Rolling Stones concert. This is brave of them. And I got to ask because, again, in my experience, this was the case. Did they get crazier and crazier in descending order, your brothers? No, actually, I think we kind of go the opposite. My oldest brother did the dumbest shit. Okay, okay. He was a cautionary tale. Yeah. So when I told my family that I was doing this, he said, we probably have a lot of stories we could submit. But in talking to my family before doing this, my dad said he recalls saying probably mostly to my 15-year-old brother, don't do anything that you wouldn't do if we were here. So naturally, not even an hour after my parents left, Curtis and his friend Brett decided that it would be a good idea to take a boating tube and tie it to the back of the four-wheeler and pull each other around in the wet grass. Oh, great idea. I stand by this plan. It's a good one. The picture that I sent, it's not a juicy picture, but it just kind of lays out the area in our backyard that we called the lower field. Oh, God, you're right on the water. How beautiful. Yeah, it's a big chunk of lawn. I mean, that's got to be a good acre of just flat grass right there. Nice open area to pull each other around in the wet grass. And they were out there doing that for a little while, just taking turns pulling each other around. And as I remember it, my brother came inside and said, this is so much fun. You got to come try it. And talking to him, he said that I came outside as they were about to wrap things up and wanted a turn. Okay, so everyone's pointing the finger at one another. My my right, these things generally have a really predictable curve, which is like you do the initial idea and that's quite fun for a minute. And then the dopamine dissipates and you start thinking how we're going to ramp this up a little bit. Certainly putting you on back would be a ramp up of that. Yeah. And him and his friend were a fair amount heavier than me, so they probably weren't swinging around quite as much as I was. But I got on and this part of the story I kind of had to get from Curtis from his point of view, but pulled me up and down the field a couple times. And then he was at the end of the field like near the water facing towards the house. And he thought, I'll just do one last fast go towards the house. And I think I've heard you say before, Dex, that you never do one last lap or one last ride. No, last run. No one says last run. Pack it in right then. It's already been jinxed. He was straight facing towards the house. The tube was kind of off to the right side and he accelerated pretty fast and I slung out to the left and we actually had a boat and a boat trailer parked down in the yard there. So he was looking back at me, realized that the boat trailer was there and slammed on the brakes, but I kept swinging out to the left and I didn't jump off. I was on my stomach holding onto the tube and I just stayed on and I slung right into the front of the boat trailer. Oh, head first. The whole left side of my body. Oh, no, no, no. He immediately jumps off. The tube is popped. I'm unconscious. He's yelling to Brett to go inside and call 911. Oh, no. Well, hold on. We've learned a lot about your brother in this moment, which is he's a man of integrity. Most young men at that point are going to try to ride this out without getting in trouble. We're going to figure out like... Really? He's unconscious? Well, he's not quite there. He's already yelling. Like his instinct is to get help, which is incredible, I think, for a 15-year-old boy. He thought he killed me. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. He's non-responsive. Oh, boy. There was like a gurgling sound coming from my chest. Oh. I think I said he did wake... Probably shouldn't have done and was shaking me to wake me up. He said it felt like forever, but was probably like 10 seconds. And I woke up crying. They eventually helped me back up to the house. And older brother, 19-year-old, is still upstairs asleep, so they go wake him up. Just get an adult on the scene. Not too long after, Greg, who had been taking the SATs, walks into the kitchen to find me sitting in the chair, freaking out, asking if I was going to die. I don't want to die. Is my heart bleeding? Every time I breathed, I had this gurgling in my chest that was happening. At some point, somebody called my parents. I don't know which brother did that, but they were probably 45 minutes away. Boy, it went to hell in a hurry, right? Yeah. I could hear the parents were like, Jesus Christ, I barely got out of the driveway, you idiots. It made a big U-turn and sped back pretty quickly to me to set the hospital. So the ambulance arrived. I don't remember a ton about the ambulance ride, except for one very specific thought process I went through about what to do with the gum I had in my mouth. Oh, it stayed in there. Somehow, I didn't choke on my gum. I was like storing it on the roof of my mouth, I guess. I had been chewing gum before the accident. Wow. I was laying in the ambulance and just thinking, like, I shouldn't keep chewing this. And I definitely shouldn't swallow it because there's something like happening in there. So I looked at the paramedic and just said, will you take my gum and stuck my tongue out? He kindly took the gum and threw it away for me and kind of chuckled at me. Well, having interviewed quite a few paramedics at this point, that's like the nicest job they've probably had all year. They're lucky to do that. Eventually, make it to the hospital. My parents are able to meet us there, went through the whole workup. My main injury was a hemo pneumothorax, which is essentially a collapsed lung with blood and air in between the lung and the chest wall. I got a chest tube placed. Did you break any ribs? I didn't. I was 14. I think I was still pretty, like, bendy. So somehow I didn't break any ribs. Just the blunt force caused the lung to pop, essentially. Do they have to inflate it? Do they blow it back up? No. The chest tube goes in between your ribs and then it's attached to a negative pressure suction. And so it takes the air and everything out of the pleural space so the lung can reinflate. And you're obviously a doctor or a nurse. Yeah. Yeah. Even the fact that you said workup, as soon as you said workup, I'm like, oh, she works at a hospital. Even when she said hemo pneumothorax. She said it too well. Yeah. She nailed it. I'm an orthopedic surgery resident. Oh, there we go. Is it because of this? Oh, meet cute, kind of. No. Meet cute with career. That was my main injury and the only other thing I had was a cut to my arm. You got lucky it wasn't a head first. I know. Or that your head didn't bang really hard and you got CTE. You're very afraid of CTE. Yeah, I am. I am. She's her number one fear. Yeah. Tied with mice in her water. Yeah, a rat water bottle. I was at the gym yesterday and I saw one of the girls in my class was looking inside of her metal water bottle as if she saw something. And I was like, oh, oh my God. I wonder if there's something in there. I got a little concerned for her. We've started a really irrational fear. I don't think it's irrational. It's irrational. It's an irrational fear. Wow. Well, that's scary. Did you have to spend the night or did they let you out pretty quick? I had the chest tube for like two and a half days and then they pulled it out. So I was in the hospital for like three days. Your poor parents. I didn't get to see the stones. And they missed the Rolling Stones? They did. Yeah. Oh, what was the punishment for your brother? He didn't get officially grounded. He did enough punishment of himself. He was pretty traumatized by it. He told me that afterwards he got really bad eczema from all the stress. That's sad. Quite often you get enough consequence. We don't need to pile on. Yeah. How did all these brothers turn out? How'd the one do on the SAT? Do you do all right? She got into college. That's what you want. That's the goal. Are you either of your parents doctors? My dad's an orthopedic surgeon. There we go. I kind of like to say my fun fact is always that I've never broken a bone only an organ. Oh. So kind of ironic that now I fix broken bones. Yes. But my husband is actually a trauma surgeon. And so this story to him is like, yeah, I see it every day. It's not that exciting. He's always trying to bring you down. Yeah. He's made, don't let him make you small. This is a substantial injury for a 14 year old. Do you guys watch the pit? He has been watching the pit. I've seen a couple episodes. I come home from work. It's not very relaxing to watch a show that's basically about work. But I've heard it's very accurate. They've probably placed some chest tubes. Oh yeah, I've seen them. I've seen Himo no more thoraxes too. Himo no more. What's the thing they're always saying in 60 minutes? Numa cockle pneumonia. Oh yeah, Numa cockle pneumonia. Himo, Numa cockle pneumonia. Oh wow. I hate when these great laid plans go awry because I don't want anyone to be discouraged to get out there and slide around it too. But you just got to maybe make sure the area is a little free. Recently they actually got a large amount of snow in coastal North Carolina. And my brother sent a video pulling my nieces around on a sled. Yes, of course. We're still doing it, don't worry. I like this family. The eczema really didn't slow him down. Well, lovely meeting you. Thank you, Michelle. Nice to meet you too. All right, good luck on your residency. Thank you. Have a good day. Oh. So impressed by these doctors. Yes, surgeon, no less. Yeah, it's a big job. Of all the medical professionals, which one do you think you'd be most suited for? Oh, that's a good question. Family practice? I mean, isn't that a good pick for you? Probably. I can't really see myself in surgery or the ER. Maybe surgery. I'm pretty meticulous. Okay, you don't mind the open body and all the blood. Right, that part's gross. Yeah. Maybe dentist. No, people's teeth, that's gnarly. Look, it's not for me. We will say mine out loud on the 321, right? 321 surgery. Oh. Just right there. Because drugs? Because drugs, I know everything about them. I thought you were going to say surgery because you're good at mechanics and it is basically a mechanic. Well, I have been on record saying I can do any surgery if I can see a YouTube video first. I was trying to be nice in saying that. I just thought it would be such an obvious joke that it would be anesthesial just, and then of course they'd be calling me all the time to the room and they'd be like, where is Dr. Sheffard? Oh my God, you're just high walking around. I'm going to be a fashion doctor. Oh, okay, fashion police slash doctor. Yeah. All right, love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We're going to have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our Jerry's book and some suggestions. I'm a fire-rhyme dish. I'm a fire-rhyme dish. Enjoy.