Gavin Matts Got Scammed

This episode is brought to you by SimplySafe. As the evenings get darker and colder, this SimplySafe On is a sound of peace of mind. SimplySafe's sensors, HD cameras and 24x7 security monitoring protect your home inside and out, against break-ins, fires, water leaks and more. So you can relax. Visit simplysafe.co.uk slash pod for an exclusive discount. This is a Head Gum Podcast. No, yeah, but I've a lot of regrets and mistakes that I've made. What are they? What's your biggest regret and be so honest? I can't. 85 inch TV for football games? Come on. Not bad. That's really good. I need a much better TV than I have. What do you have? That's the thing. You don't even know. It's been so long that you don't even know. You don't even register. You know what I mean? You don't even appreciate it. There's been times where I've gone through and been like, oh yeah, let me look at new specs. What are new specs doing? What are the new specs of what's going on, but I don't have anything to compare to. I just know that sometimes there's like, I can see a light that's on in the TV and it makes me so mad. That's not, should not be happening. When we were shopping for TVs from here, the guy at Best Buy was like, yeah, the difference, the extra $600 on this one is, there's just more lights. And I guess that makes the picture quality better or something, but I was like, that, you need to sell me a little bit better. Yeah, I need to understand. Just there's more lights. It did not really, it didn't move me. Yeah, I don't get it. Anyway, they could trick me easy. You could get tricked easy. Yeah, I could go in there and they could just say anything. You think you're scammable? Mm-hmm. I'm deeply not. I've been scammed. Are we rolling? I assume so. Just like in person once. Yeah. Yeah. How'd you get scammed? Just like one of the top things that if you Google, is that a scam? They're like, yeah, that's a scam. Just like a classic money order scam in person, just felt bad for someone. Yeah. Went to the ATM with them. I don't know why. You went to the ATM with a stranger. Please walk me through this. You met a stranger on the street. Yeah. And his name was like Henry Glover, which is not real. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, which is not real. I looked that up with the number, which he said, he said, my name's trustworthy Mick. And you said, let's go to the ATM brother. Yeah. And there is a bit of a story and, you know, everything going on at the time in the world really clarified. Just so much. Just so much stuff I was personally feeling guilty about. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. With like things when they happen. Just in regards to things. You know what I mean when someone tells you something and you're like, but usually you're at home and reading about that. Yeah. But this was somebody in person and you're like, this is why I stay home. It's so much easier to do nothing. Yeah. About the world, you know. Yeah. When I read about atrocities, I go, oh, that's horrible, but it's so far away. I just won't do anything, I guess. Yeah. And you know when you're retelling a story about something you've done. Kidding. Kidding. Yeah. And people are like, ugh. No, wait, what? Like they're like being like, ugh, like you did that. Wait, what'd you do? Gave a man money. Oh, I thought you were talking about something to be ashamed of. Oh, no. This is like a cool thing you did. No. You come off good in the money story. No, but I got scammed though. Yeah, but you come off good because you, really when you tell that story, you have to understand you look sweet because you did something nice and someone took advantage of you. Yeah. And less than insecurity of yours is being dumb. And then I guess. Yeah, I've never got taken advantage of for like bad shit. What? Like no one's ever like convinced me to do something bad. No one's ever been like, be a flunky in my crime ring. Yeah. And you've gone for it. Yeah. I'm like, oh, no. Wait, how much money did you give this guy? Yeah, something like, um, like, like $800. USD? Yeah. So like whatever, that's not bad. I know people that have been scammed for more like off the phone. Yeah, but they're usually in their like seventies. You got scammed at 800 as a young man. Yeah. I mean, this is a couple of years ago. That's really cool of you. I know I actually heard that thing happens like consistently, like all the time to lots. Most people getting scammed. Yeah. Not most people. Really? It's a pretty weird up there actually getting scammed, especially from a guy named Henry Glover on the street. I only asked him his name once I was handing over the money. And then I also took down his number in case there's any issues with his money order, which there was really, if you turned it over, there wasn't really a signature there. Can I say something? And I don't want this. This is not coming from a judgmental space. It doesn't sound like you get scammed. It sounds like you just gave a guy $800. Like where's the scam? Usually a scam has some form of tomfoolery or trickery, an angle that's like, oh, I'm going to send it back to you. Or what was the scam? Oh, hey, like I can't put this in on my like card. Like would you be able to and you can have it to put in like the money order? So it was a money order. And I of course know what that means. It's like a check, but it's like, you know, from like, you know, one of these like check cashing places. Okay. So already it's like, yeah, I wasn't really paying attention. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So he took you to a check cashing place and then you just gave him an $800. Well, I went to an ATM that was just down the block. Yeah. And you got $800 out of your own account. Yeah. And Park Slope Brooklyn. And Park Slope Brooklyn, United States. And then you walked. I paid my fee to be there. I paid. That's a real broker. That's a real broker fee. Yeah. You paid your community service. Yeah. I'm allowed to be here. And then you get a wide stroller. And then you what did you went to a what a money order place and did what? He had the money ordering gave it to me, but this was a faulty. This is not a thing. If I had looked at this for like one second and you know what I mean? Yeah. It was basically written in crayon. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to get a big old new TV. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So basically I deserved that. I think it's sweet to give away $800 to that guy. I think that's nice that you did that regardless of you not really meaning to. And I think you should do more stuff like that. Yeah. You know, you're doing good. Like get out there, give away some money. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine when you look at it that way. Yeah. Yeah. It's really nice actually when you think about it like that. No. Yeah. Because you know, nice people are dumb. So it's like. Oh, for sure. Yeah. So yeah, I would never be nice. I would never be nice. Yeah. I'm evil and shrewd. Yeah. But wow, the intelligence on you. Yeah. But that's because I'm smart. Yeah. Have you seen the discourse about there's a discourse right now about transplants needing to do community service? Have you seen this? Did that? That was you. We just talked about it. That was you with the money order. No, but I haven't, but that makes that's very funny. Do you feel dumb for coming to America? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel dumb. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can't, but I can't really leave right now. Green card processing. Yeah. So you're really locking in actually. Yeah. That's so funny. No, fully in the doors closed behind me. Well, you can't go back to a basement. Wait, you're in the class box and you. Yeah. Can you really not go back to Canada? If you can. No, I can. I have travel authorization. I actually have to go next month to Vancouver and then Toronto for shows and I am worried about the, let me back in. You get to the border and they go, Hey man, it's not personal, obviously. Yeah. You're not coming back over here. Fuck. I have a really happy life in Canada though. No, my life is here. No, I have nothing there actually. No, I'm not moving back to Canada. No, I don't want to go there. No, actually my life is here in the US. Yeah. Yeah. You could not pay me to go back. You're a staple in Park Slope. We need you over there. Yeah. Do you like. I'm out there. I'm giving you money. Yeah. You're getting, you're getting, I really do hesitate to even call it a scam. I'm over there. I'm at OS cafe. You're getting asked for money and then just giving it to someone. Yeah. That happened one and another time somebody yelled at me and then I gave them $20 and then they yelled at me again and then I gave them another 20. Dude, this happened. Okay. I was at a restaurant in Bushwick and this guy came up on the patio and he was like talking to my, it was me and a table full of women and he was like, he was like, excuse me everybody and being like a little aggressive. And I was like, Hey, come over here. I'll talk to you. And so we like stepped away and I was like, what's up? And he was like, I need, I need, I need $24. And I was like, I was like, okay, he was renting the materialist. Yeah. I was like, he's going to get it in HD. I said, okay, I've got, let me see what I have. I have a 20. I was like, here, I have a 20. What's your name? We like chatted for a second. And then he was like, you know, it's my birthday. And I was like, Oh, happy birthday. And then he was like, I had given him the 20 and he goes, you really don't have four more dollars. And I was like, look, I really respect that. But no, I have one. See, I don't carry cash. I'm not a 1920s businessman. I have $120 million. I gave it to you. That is so funny that you had given him the money and he was like, well, you know, you gave me this because it's my birthday. Yeah. No, we like had a full conversation. I was like, Oh, where are you from? Are you from around here? You know, we're chit chatting. He goes, and then he just like kind of in a pause in the conversation goes, you really don't have four more dollars. Like he was like, like he was disgusted with me. And did you or not? I really didn't. I don't have, I mean, I guess I could have gone to like digital means. I could have like gotten in PayPal involved or something, but then I'd end up probably in your shoes. Yeah. Giving away $800. I should have given him $800. Fuck it. Fuck it. Yeah. It was hard. I only had 20, but I did have a student once I was when I interned in New York. I worked with high school students when I was in college. There was like a college prep program and we would like show them around New York City. And I had this, we were walking through Times Square and it's really hard because I've got like 20, they're mostly international students. So varying degrees of some of them English first language some second and some really good and some it's a little tougher. But I was really hard because I've got 20 students who speak varying degrees of English and I'm taking them through New York City. One of them like straggled off and I saw him from just far enough away start to talk to a guy selling his mixed tape. And I was like, Hey, don't know. And then he comes over and he's like, I bought a CD. And I was like, how much did you spend on the CD? And he was like, well, this guy's like an upcoming rapper. He's like, he's got like a, he's got like a record deal coming up and he's like, he's like going to be really big. He might be on like billboard next month or something. He's like telling me the pitch basically my student. And I was like, how much did you spend? He's like, I gave him four of these and they were $100 bills. He didn't understand the currency conversion because he is not from here. He was like, I gave him four of these and I was like, don't please. That's okay. Please don't do that. And don't tell anyone that that happened. I got scammed in Beijing too. So we evened out. It does even out. Yeah. The tea scam. What happened? What? I went to tea with these girls and I had to pay. I got scammed in Beijing. It was the tea scam. I know it was only there for 18 hours. You went to, it sounds like you just went on a date. No, they like picked me up outside of Mao. I was saying what's up to the whatever leader over there. Yeah, of course. At the city hall or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. The China city hall. Yeah. You know the big, yeah. So I was at city hall and then they asked to go to tea because they wanted to practice their English and I was just like, all right. But I was young too. I thought I was, you know what I mean? Yeah. I didn't realize it was a scam. I was like, wow, traveling, connecting with people, which is what that international student thought. Yeah. You know? And then the scam on that one was that you just ended up buying two girls tea. No, but it was really overpriced. Oh. And I didn't realize also the conversion until later and I was like, oh wow, I just spent like, you know, $500. Yeah. Oh, you spent both Canadian, Canadian at the time. Oh, so that's what I was working through with. Yeah. You spent $500 Canadian on tea with these girls. Yeah. It was my first time traveling. And it was like the first day I'd ever traveled and I was like 21. It was the first day. It was the first day. It was a really bad day because I had to like, I stayed at an airport hotel at the Beijing airport because I was actually going to Japan, but I, the ticket from Vancouver that was really cheap was like a long layover in Beijing. It's kind of nice because you get to see Beijing. Yeah. Yeah. But then the airport hotel was not really the airport and it was really hard to get to just because no one would take me because it was like just far enough. Yeah. Yeah. And then you had the tea scam, of course. Yeah. And then the tea scam was a major thing that's happening. So what do you think the scam is on that one, that the girls maybe get a kickback from the plane? Yeah, they're getting like, yeah, they're kind of like an agent manager, kind of like 10% kind of vibe. Yeah. Like, hey, if you bring in some guy who's this his first day ever traveling, we'll give you a percentage of whatever you got. How did they find me? I was just looking around like this place. Are you, I'm going to say this with love and I mean it with love. You know, you're my boy. You do look like an easy mark. You've got sweet eyes and you've got a vibe that says this guy will take me to tea. Yeah. I think the problem is, is my thing is that it feels like I've always like just like taken out an air, like air pod or something. Yeah. Like, but that's my like general like of what's going on. Yeah. I'm really sorry. But once you get to know me, I'm like really mean and true. Yeah. You're harsh. Yeah. Yeah. I've said that about you for years now. Really? I've said, yeah, I've said this guy seems sweet. Seems like a nice guy. You get to know him. Villain. Fucker. He's a fucker. He's a fucker. He's a scary guy. Meet the fucker. He's a fucker and he's like, I've said like he'll scam people. I've said that about you. He's a scammer. You heard that? Yeah. Chance knows. This is how I talk about you. Before you came in today. No, yeah, but I've a lot of regrets and mistakes that I've made. What are they? What's your biggest regret and be so honest? I can't. I actually can't really. Actually, you know what? Forget that. I've actually been reckoning with that for a while and I haven't come to grips with what I've done, but I, but it to everybody. I am sorry to all involved. But know that I'm the most affected by it. Yeah. In all situations I've been involved in everyone just take, take solace in the fact that I'm the most affected. Yeah. Because you know, you have lives like you've moved on, but me, I'm kind of stuck in that. Yeah. You kind of look back like, what was that? Yeah. But me, I'm still there, you know? Yeah. I'm trying to think of my regrets. So apologize to me. I will. And I'll tell other people too as well. Thank you so much. Yeah. I'd be such a wait. I started going around town being like, do you know, Gavin Matz? Could you shoot him an apology? I've never been in a room with this many men before. I don't think it's straight up. We've got everyone in the room right now as a man. I assume I have, I fellas, I like that kind of shit. I like shit like that. I fucking actually love shit like that. Yeah. You're a, you're a boy. Yeah. I'm a boy. I'm a boy's, I'm a boy's boy, but I have sisters. You know what a good, a bad guy trying to seem good. I've, seriously, I've said, do you have sisters? Do you have sisters for real? I know you do. Yeah. Three. The two sluttiest things that a straight man can do is have a sister that he loves and post pictures with a puppy. When straight men post pictures with puppies, it's like, oh shit. You're fucking up to something. Guilty. Lock me up. I'd be doing photos with my dog in a bag. I know. That's what I'm saying. And that's so, that is slutty. I love my younger sisters. That's really, yeah. That's, that's, it's good, but it's like, there is something about it to me that really rings as like, that guy's a little untrustworthy. You know, like if you hated your sister, I'd be like, now that's a guy. But younger sisters, older sister, I'm not as, you know what I mean? What? I'm not, well, I love, she just visited me so that was nice. And, uh, I knew that. I'm just surprised. So like, yeah, yeah, hell yeah. She's cute as hell. The niece? Yeah. What's her deal? She's just like starting to talk at bangs. You know what I mean? Three year old with bangs. Yeah. Awesome. Really cool when they do that. Yelling a lot more, sweating. What? Yeah. Is she okay? My pop face time the other day, she was just like yelling help and like pretending to be awesome. It was awesome. I was like, that is number one top favorite bit so far. You that I've seen over face time. How do you do be funny over that? You saying, yeah, my niece is so cute. She has bangs. She's always sweating and yelling for help. Like what? You know what I mean? Real kid shit. That is cool. I do wish, I wish I had an opportunity to be distressed more often. Yeah. In like a funny way, you know, to be, I wish I was more, I wish I had more like flustered. Like what I mean by that is like, I wish I was carrying like 17 pizzas on one roller skate. You know. Yes. I don't have any slapstick moments. And when's the last time you were frazzled? I don't get frazzled. I'm like a pretty, I'm like this. I'm like real even, you know. Well, I get upset. That's not the same as frazzled. No. I get, I get, I get, I get pissed off. You need to be on like your pink panther. Steve Martin. I'm talking. What do you think we're gonna do about men and boys? Like what's going on with them? What is, yeah, what are we going to do? Like, well, look, you know, I feel like I'm in like a good place emotionally with my friends, pretty vulnerable guy, but then at the same time we are like playing like a, we all got a video game together that we're playing and it's like a right wing, like police game. What's the game? It's called like ready or not. And it's like, you have to stop like terrorists and stuff. What? Yeah. So it's like, yeah, we're like tell each other that we love each other, but then it's also like we're 30 years old and we're trying to stop pedophiles in a bad in a video game. Yeah. You're playing police and we're like slowly being like, we're creating a new like kind of red pill where it's like, it's like a combination of like red and blue where it's like a purple pill. Yeah. You know what I mean? And that's kind of how we're fighting back is like, we're blending the two sides. Yeah. I asked you kind of jokingly what we should do about men and boys. And then you told me that you and your boys are creating a new red pill. So yeah, it's kind of like, it's like Rothko. It's like a new color. It's like, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's a square, but it's beautiful because so to answer your question, I don't know. I don't know. Wrong person. I've, I gathered that really quickly. I thought you might be the right person to ask, but now it turns out you're playing the police in your free time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. I went from a cab to like you got my six. Yeah. You got my yeah. Yeah. You're doing this. I only play. I play one video game. You probably don't even want to know what it is. Madden. Yeah. You already knew that. See, not a football. Canada. Well, that's the Canada. We have it. Yeah. We're here. They want the field. Okay. Yeah. The field is huge. Yeah. I don't, what's a Canadian football team? BC lions. They have never heard of that in my life. Deroi Simon. What? Watch the highlights. Is it 8 man or 11 man? I don't know, but the field is so big. They, it looks like I could do it. You think? There's so much, they look tinier. Yeah. Because the field is bigger. Yeah. You know, it's like 20 yards every other side. What? Yeah, it's like, and the field goal thing is like close to the, you know what I mean? So people can run into it. Yeah, wait, what? Yeah, cause it's at the front of the end zone. The field goals are the front of the end zone? Yeah, so you could be like, you could like YouTube like Canadian football running into field posts, like the field goal posts. Yeah. Like, you know, a wide receiver cutting across the middle, hitting the post. Really? Getting blown up. That's crazy. Yeah. Do you guys not feel like that's a liability? I think they should add more stuff to the field. Yeah. Trap doors. Actually, this would be sick. Ball pits. Ball pits. A spring. Shoot them way high up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, they should have jet packs. Yeah. The guy should wear jet packs. And then only like once, maybe once every couple plays, you can use your jet pack, but not all the time. Yeah. I like that you love football. It's like a nice thing about you. You think so? Yeah, I think it's like, you know, it's like, it's like another extra layer. It's like, if you were like good at math. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, yeah. You know, like, if you're like really good at math. I think I'm pretty good at math. Give me a problem. I see, I don't know enough. You know. You don't know enough about math. You don't know enough about math to give me an equation. Yeah. I seriously kind of tuned out at like long division. Do you know? Would you know your time stables like 12 times 12? Yeah, that. Yeah. What's 12 times 12? No, it's 144. Nice. See, don't play with me. You know what 12 times 12 is. I needed a second. Yeah, for sure. It's been a minute. You know what I mean? For sure. I haven't stretched in a while. Kind of tight. I got really serious about time stables when they drop those. Oh. When you got to the point in school where it was like, okay, we're doing like speed, like race times tables. I got real into that. Oh, my problem was I was in a three, four split. So when they dropped that, I was like, kind of, I was too young really to, you know what I mean? What's a three, four split? Like half the class grade three, half the class is grade four. What? So I was grade three. Is this the thing we do in the US? No, that's probably Canada. Why is the class half and half? Does that make sense? You know, you get some full classes, but then you get some, you know? That's why I like older women. No, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, no, no, say that. Say that. No, that's probably no. Why? Because I need to be like stable emotionally and financially. I'm not going to actually be able to get past it. The half the class is third grade, half is fourth grade. For what reason? Probably due to like amount of kids, like it would like equal that of like, you know, there's like two and a half full classes of like, you know, 30 kids in one, 30 kids in one. And then there's only 15 other kids, but then there's also 15 left over. So it is math. Yeah, this is really good. Yeah, I'm really confused by that, but I love it actually. Yeah, cause yeah, and I've really been thinking about class sizes a lot lately cause I saw weapons and in Mrs. Gandhi's class, you know what I mean? There's only 18 kids. I go, this is America. Like this looks great. Like what is this neighborhood? Yeah, what is this? Maybrook school district is really great. Yeah. Unless of course, you know. Until 2, 17 a.m. or whatever. Yeah. Every kid, they ran out of the class. Did that actually happen? In real life? The weapons thing. Did that actually happen? No. Nice. No. Wouldn't that be cool? That'd be much better than what happens for real. What do you mean? What do you mean by that? Oh, did you guys understand that? And I didn't. He was talking about like the fact that we have mass shootings in the United States. Yeah. I didn't understand that. You're not supposed to say it out loud. Mass shootings? It's a secret thing that happens every day. Yeah. You're not supposed to talk about it. Don't bring that up. It's our thing that happens every day that we keep in secret. Yeah, you're like, what's the list of things going on right now? And then for some reason, it's like, oh, we're not going to talk about the other mass shooting that I'm in today. Yeah. We have a lot of those, huh? Yeah. Like, no, every day. I haven't think about getting a gun. Yeah. I can't. I can't. You can't have a gun because you're in. No, because if I hear the default iPhone alarm. OK, this is what we were talking about. Default iPhone alarm makes me trigger something in me that I can't even really describe to you. It makes me so angry and ill. Yeah. And people just have it. And sometimes you hear it in public and you just lose it. Yeah. Wait, in public, you're hearing it? I've heard it. Like, I've heard it like when I've like been on a plane. I've heard it like as somebody's like reminder alarm. You know what I mean? It's just like so depressing, actually. It's like, oh, your alarm you're picking is default. Also radar. It's like it sounds like a bomb shelter, like a fallout. Yeah. It really sounds like there's a bomb dropping as we speak. You need to get underground. Yeah. Chris Evans' character in Materialist. Chris Evans is in Materialist. Oh, never mind. Sorry. I was like, what was this? And it was like, I think it was like, and his character is like poor. So it was like, I was like, oh, there she's like, means like that's like the poor alarm. That's like the alarm for poor people. It's like the default iPhone alarm. I didn't see Materialist. There's an alarm for poor people. No, he's poor in it. The whole thing is rich, poor class intersectionality. I'm actually seeing that movie. It sounds good. Yeah, I bought it last night. You watched it last night? Yeah. It was $19.99 to rent or $25 to buy. So I own it. You own Materialist. Digitally, yeah. I, Chance does research on our guests for the show. And I was reading the stuff about you before the show today. And one of the things, it's not on there. You won't find it. I already threw it away. I didn't want you to see it. But one of the things that it said was that, and I don't know where Chance found this, but I guess one time you bombed so hard at stand up that the next day you watched Requiem for a Dream. Oh yeah. How was that? That's like a weird deep pull. That's a really weird deep pull, isn't it? He pulls the strangest stuff. Is that ice cream truck? That would be so sick right now, actually. I'm going to need the cherry dip in a waffle cone. Is that your order? Yeah. Cherry dip waffle cone. The cherry dip is so waxy and nice that when you break through that layer and you finally get to the ice cream. I can't do cherry like that. I can do cherry ice cream. I can't do cherry dip. Like the cherry, I don't like cherry in that way. But cherry ice cream with actual cherries in it? No, you do. No, I promise you I don't. No, you do. Gavin, please. Someone else told me this too. They're like, I don't like that. And it's like, you don't know. Yeah. You know what I mean? I had not thought about that. You know what I mean? Yeah. When's the last time tried? When's the last time tried? Cut word out, get to point. When's the last time tried cherry ice cream topping? Honestly, that's a really good point. You backed me into a corner because I would say it's got to be at least years. Yeah. Last time tried was years. Taste bud change? One more time? Taste bud change. Yeah. Taste my change since last time tried. Taste my change. What do you think you would be if you weren't a comedian? That just came to my mind. The Rizzler 2. You think you would be the Rizzler 2? Part of his whole thing is that he's extremely young. I would be like a teacher. Oh. I was kind of hoping for something more crazy. I've never really thought about it, but I think that's the only job I could do because it's pretty simple. What kind of teacher would you be? Like something inconsequential like social studies. Something inconsequential. You're gonna get so, the social studies teacher community is gonna come for you so hard for that. Social studies teachers are on this show. Yeah, but like a socials teacher for like fifth grade or something. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's anybody really retaining from that? States. You guys probably didn't have to do this. I know the States. You don't know provinces. I do. Ontario, Quebec. Of course there's Alberta. And then of course, of course. Of course there's Alberta. Of course we, and look, they'd like to not be there. Ontario, what did they got mad at me one time for the way I pronounced this? It's Ontario. Yeah, so the second way you said that is probably what they're. That's what I did that got them mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I know that it's Ontario. Yeah, you know when you pronounce a place wrong and then people act like you're doing it to them on purpose? Yeah. Like Louisville. Louisville. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Well there were freaks about that though. Yeah, but it's, and it's the most complicated way to say. There were freaks about that because it shouldn't be Louisville. It should be Louisville because it was named after a fucking King Louis. Right. This is how the Midwest and South in this country is though. There's a town in Missouri called Versailles. Versailles. They have just decided to pronounce it Versailles. And how's the real estate there in Missouri? And Versailles. Chance knows when I look at him I want an applause for the guests. Would you ever buy a house in Kansas City or no? I don't know where I'm going to buy a house yet. Yeah. Yeah. You know? I'm still thinking about where. Yeah, upstate it. That's kind of like what stopped me personally from owning. Because you've been back and forth. You were under contract on one in Bora Bora. And then you're like, no, I don't get over there enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Bora Bora. Yeah, I don't know. I would like to, Kansas City seems nice. I have no connection to it personally, although I know things are happening there led by a user. I'm over there. I know. But is that enough for me? Yeah. Because you got mom there. Yeah, right. I don't got mom there. My mom being there is actually a deterring factor. OK, that makes me feel better. People think I am in Kansas City because my mom is there. Her being there is a deterring factor. OK, good. OK, good. Just kidding. Shout out, mom. Love you. No, and I love mine as well. Well, you don't want to go back to Canada, though. We already tried that. I do not. I tried to send you back to Canada earlier on the episode and you got mad. You know what? It might be done for you. Yeah, well. It might not let me back in. Do you really think? I don't know. That's scary. I don't even want to think about it. I'd come get you. Yeah, it's hard for me. Yeah, you are the most put upon immigrant, I think, that I probably know. Yeah. Personally. You're like the face of immigrants to me. Yeah. I'm like New Titanic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll accept that. Yeah. Oh my god, I just watched a documentary on Netflix about, I don't remember her name, Amy Something, 1998. Have you guys seen this? The girl who went missing on the cruise ship in Curacao? Where'd she go? Well, that's the question on everyone's mind. They couldn't figure it out. Basically. Is that the poop cruise one? Poop cruise? Poop cruise? I don't know. Poop cruise is, it's a Netflix doc as well, where a Carnival cruise ship lost power in the middle of the sea. I don't hear about this anymore. No, thank you. What you're talking about is Amy Lynn Bradley. I don't want to talk about the poop cruise anymore. So she went missing. She went missing. Not funny. They don't know what happened to her. But then, here's how. OK, so this is the crazy thing. Well, she's probably fallen off. Well, that's what she's talking about. She's probably fallen off. Well, that's what you think, right? And then. But then, the parents do a big search and rescue thing, where they're like, OK, they couldn't find the body in the water or anything. And then, but then, months and months and months later, people are having reports in the nearest town of, like, she's here. We've seen her alive. Like, she's in the town. And they couldn't track. They have. They still to. I don't know. I didn't finish a documentary because I had to go somewhere. But I don't think they've still tracked her down. But they were getting, like, verifiable reports of people that were like, yeah, I saw a white woman that kind of matches her description. Did she have a tattoo on her upper shoulder of the Tasmanian devil? Oh, I thought she was like a child. No, she's a grown woman. Whoa. Yeah. And then, they're like, yeah, she does have that tattoo. Maybe she faked her own death. I don't think she faked her death. Because she did. Well, do you think that's what she was trying to do? Maybe. Yeah. Let her live, you know? There was a bass player on the ship in the ship band who she was seen with last. Yeah. And there's a lot of speculation about his role and the whole thing. Wow. I don't know if the bass player was involved, Gavin, but I'm very concerned about the situation. And it turns out, by the way, that the girl, the woman, is a lesbian who had recently come out to her parents and they had a bad response due to homophobia. So then you think, did they throw her overboard for being a lesbian? Or maybe she was punishing them. That's a really good point. And I know that you might not have been being sincere, but I like it. No, I'm being positive. I like that idea. Yeah. That she got lesbian revenge by being like, fuck it. I'm going to jump off the boat and live in Curacao. Curacao. You know where that's at? Because I don't. No, I don't. I know it's a four-hour flight from New York because I looked it up because it looked beautiful. Cool. In the documentary. Let's go. In the documentary, they were like, they were like telling all the horrible, horrible story about how she wasn't found. And they're showing pictures of the beaches. And I started, while I was watching, I started Googling flights, New Yorkers. And then I started Googling resorts, Curacao. Anything good? No, the resorts didn't look no offense to the community there. The resorts didn't look great. And I also don't really, really love resorts. The beach was beautiful, but then they were talking about all the crime. The documentary immediately turned into how dangerous the island is. And I was like, OK, OK. You start to see why I maybe shouldn't go there. Maybe it was like a Curacao, like, anti-tourism propaganda. Yeah. Bye. Big Bora Bora. Big Bora Bora. There was a really funny part where the family woke up, realized that she was missing on this cruise. And then they go to the cruise director. And they're like, hey, you need to do an announcement across the whole ship that we can't find our daughter. And he goes, it's 7 AM. We're not going to disturb the guests. Dude, they were water sliding all night. I thought that was pretty sick. They need to get some sleep. He was like, that's crazy, but we're not doing that. 7 AM. Yeah. Yeah, I got for a bit. Sorry that you're confused right now, but also at 7. She probably just had a couple too many drinks and is hanging out on the pool deck. That was what they thought. Now, can I ask you a question that's related, but really almost a separate path we'd go here? Do I think I'll ever go missing? No. See, that wasn't going to be my question. But yeah, that's great. I was thinking if you would ever think that you would be in anything like true crime related. Do you I think I'll be a victim of a crime that gets spoken about? Or in the general? Do I think I'll perpetrate a crime? Or you'll be in like a talking head. Oh, like I'm like, oh, Gavin really lit up a room. I'm an arsonist. Yeah. Gavin, don't get me thrown off. I'm trying to think about the crime that might happen to you. Yeah, I'd be I'd be in your documentary. Well, I wasn't going to try to make one. No, someone like John Lennon. Do you shot me? Shot me in the park. They like loved you. I have thought about this in terms of ways to die. Being shot by a fan, but you were my fan. You know what I mean? What was his last words? That's it. Yeah, he got shot in the head and then he went, oh, but you were my fan. And I think he bled out and died. Yeah. Oh my gosh. No, I don't want to get shot ever about anything. I get so scared about that. Guns. Yeah. Knife is worse, though, don't you think? 100%. Knife has got to be the worst one. Yeah, knife is tough because I don't like anyone close to me. Project Hill Mary is the first masterpiece of 2026. The world is counting on you. Critics are in agreement. It's utterly spellbinding. So I'm an alien. Mesmerizing and profoundly moving. You are bravest human I have ever met. Project Hill Mary. His joke. I only meet one human and is you. In cinemas now. You know what I mean? I'd almost rather be shot because I'm like, ugh, get away. Now you have to look into my eyes. Knife is tough. All the life leaves me. You're saying that knife is tough because of the proximity of the person killing you? Yeah, I just don't like anyone so close to me. You know what I mean? Yeah. At least if it's happening far away, I can let go of the situation. Like, oh, it's far away. There's nothing I could have done. But knife is like, I could have moved. Yeah, I could have moved. Could have got out of here. Well, this is what I've always felt about getting stabbed. Is that I'm like, how am I not just moving? Yeah. Like, you're going to stab me, but I can move over there. Yeah. It feels like a way harder one to believe. Unless I guess your knife is really big. Yeah. Last month, I was going through like a cut. My hand was getting cut a lot, Faze. Like, I was just like, you know, making food and shit and accidentally cutting myself all the time. My mom used to have that. There was a three-month span where she was trying to make guacamole. And every time she was cutting an avocado, she would just scream. And you'd run into the room like, what happened? And she was like, ah! And it was like, she was just trying to make guacamole. But it was like, every time. It's like, Kathy, please, girl, stop. Open, holding an avocado while you try to cut. Just cut it in half. You know what I mean? Put the avocado down. Kathy. I'm still. So that was happening to me a lot. And I do have moments where I'm like, oh, man, I'm my mother. You know? I'm still really not over you saying, I've been going through a hands-getting-cut-a-lot phase. I didn't know how else to put it, like, articulate that. As if it's like a cycle you go through. Yeah, like, you know, there's just one little cut scab here. But, you know, yeah, it was worse. It was like, all over my fingers. I do think the craziest thing about it, though, and it does always blow my mind, is like, you can heal. What? Like, you heal. You know what I mean? This was way bigger. It's going away. Yeah, your body's fixing it. And we never really are talking about this. We never talk about the power of the human body to heal. Yeah, like skin epidermis, dermis, whatever. Where's the cut? Let me see. Well, this is just nothing, but there's. How are you? How are you all kind of healed? How were you getting your cuts from cooking, you said? Oh, this one time I grabbed a knife in the sink by accident. And fuck, that really made my body jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was an accident. But I thought it was the other way around. Yeah, OK, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That really scares me. Yeah. That makes me really scared. I'm sorry. No, it's OK. I'm sorry. It's OK. It's just like, fuck. So you grabbed it and cut your fingers out. I wasn't looking, and I was like, I needed that knife, and I was going to wash it. And for some reason, I just like. And then I was like, oh, what the hell? I got to do stuff today. I had like three band-aids wrapped around my fingers. Looked insane. You got cut. Ooh. You know what I mean? I look like I dislocated my fingers bowling. Yeah, that's really scary. I don't like that. That's why I don't do dishes. Yeah, I love it. To do dishes? Yeah. Do you really? Piss me off. I'll go do them. Really? Yeah, it's like soothing to me. That's actually really, I hope I have somebody like you living in my house someday in that regard. That's kind of the perfect, kind of when I dream about like the perfect life partner, I think of somebody who wants to do all the things I don't want to do and vice versa. Yeah, you know what's annoying is when you're doing something that you know someone that doesn't want to do, they're like, let's go ahead. No, find it. Hold on a second. Yeah. I actually got lost for a second. I feel like that damn lady on that ship. But you know when you do something that somebody else doesn't want to do, and you know that you kind of like doing it, but it's hard for you to explain to them that you like doing it. You know what I mean? So it comes off you doing it as like passive aggressive. Yeah. You know what I mean? So people are like, they almost feel like offended by you then doing the dishes. Yeah. I've had like roommates where I'm like, I've had to be like, I am not doing this because you don't do them. This is not a note to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this. Yeah. I don't want to be over there watching TV with you. You know what I mean? That's probably the part that feels passive aggressive. I don't want to watch TV with them. That's, but that's, I'm just going to tell you that's the part that seems passive aggressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going, I don't want to kick up and relax. I like doing the dishes. That's, I'm just going to pinpoint for you. That's the part that feels. I don't want to do nothing with my life and just sit around. Yeah. I want to do dishes. That feels different. That feels aggressive in a different way. That doesn't feel passive aggressive. That feels. I'm doing a nice thing and I don't need you to appreciate that. Yeah. In any way. Yeah. OK. Nice. I get it. I feel for you. You know what I mean? But some people, they like, you would then take it the right way, which is nice. I think if somebody is like cleaning or something, shut the fuck up about it. Yeah, let them clean. It's hard because we're like conditioned by like, like anytime I was like, there was cleaning happening around me, like growing up. And this is why I think like this is like, it would be like a warning. One more time. Like it'd be like a warning. You know what I mean? I thought you said it would be horny. No, no, no, no, no. I was like, whoa. No, not horny. Cleaning is horny. OK, I'm new to that. Yeah. No, no, I don't think that. But that, I think for some people, they like, like a maid costume kind of thing. French maid idea. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into that. Yeah. Because cleaning makes me like, it like, makes you un- Makes me feel like a good boy. Yeah. Well, people are really into that. There's guys, there's gay guys on Grindr that that'll be their whole thing. They're like, I just want to come, I want to come over and clean your house. Make me clean your house. Oh, right. Or you could go do that for them. You could, but I've never, I've tried. I was on there for a while. I tried to get one over for a minute. You did? There was one guy I was meshing with. His whole thing is he was like, be mean to me while I clean your house. And I didn't want to be mean to him, but I did need my house clean. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, come over and clean my house. Did he clean it? No, he was like, he was like, he was like, what time, sir? And I was like, now. And he was like, I can't. He's like, I can't right now. That'd be so much. He's like, I can't come right now. He's like, I can't. I'm at the hospital with my mom. I cannot. No, he's like. He's don't be mean to me about any personal stuff. Just about my cleaning. Yeah. No, he was like, I'm at work right now. And I was like, I was like, I literally thought it was part of it. And I was like, no, you're not. Get over here. Yeah, you like come get my dust bunnies. You little fuck. Yeah. And it didn't make it work. So I didn't get my house cleaned. But I thought it was going to be so cool. It's like, here's this gay guy who wants me to like be mean to him. I cleans my house. And here I am having a house that needs cleaned. Do you imagine somebody coming and cleaning for free? And you have to. The hard part is you do have to be mean to them, which obviously feels really bad. What would you do? What would you say? To be mean to him. I was cleaning my house. What would you have done? I'd be like, you're pathetic. Oh my god. Clean my house. God, he would have cleaned it so good. That's what he wants. I would have been like, I would have been like, I would have spat on the ground. Really? You're going to make it more dirty? And wipe it up. Well, I think he wants you to make it more dirty, Gavin. Geez. That's horrible. Oh, you missed a spot. This plant. You're throwing, you're throwing like wine glasses against the wall. He's like, OK, that's actually not a guy. I was on, I was filming something last night of a commercial for an overnight for a commercial. Crazy. And a guy broke a bottle near me. He was like moving a light and he tipped over like a glass water bottle. And it broke all over the floor. And everyone's like, whoa, because the noise was loud. And then he goes, well, that wasn't a good place for that to be. I was like, you knocked it over. No, that's the best thing to say. Yeah, I was like, what? No, that's cool. No, I was happy for him. I was like, good for you for it. He genuinely seemed to believe that. Yeah, that's not a good place. And neither is this for this thing. Look over there. Throws smoke. Smashing a window and being like, that shouldn't have been there. I just come in and break stuff. I need that guy to recruit me for that to do bad stuff. Yeah, to get into his crime ring. Yeah. Gavin, what's so true to you? OK, what's so true to me? Off top, off dome is the entertainment industry has started to suck once we stop calling people sellouts. Whoa. Interesting. Yeah. And I hate to bring this up after you said you did a commercial last night. Oh, yeah, I am a sellout. No, no, no, no. But there's no offense. No, I take it. No, because you're funny and good. I don't mind being called a sellout, actually. We're not doing it, so I'm not worried about it, of course. But if someone told me that, I'd be like, that's no worries. My bills are paid. I'd be fine with that. You know, but I don't even mean that. I just think because now I think it's OK to sell out, it's fine. And it's this thing that you almost are like, yeah, I'm going to do that. Because we've almost let go of this thing that existed in the 90s where your cousin would call you a sellout. And you're like, OK, I'll never do that. Yeah, hurt. You're like, this is bad. Yeah. And now people exist now where it's like they've benefited from nepotism, but then they'll still do an ad for Citibank. Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you know what? OK, I'm going to say something about your point that I think is a little different, inspired by your point. I think that we can't call people sellouts anymore because the entertainment industry sucks. I think we have to sell out because there's no. You used to I don't know if people fully grasp us or not, people who don't work in our industry. A staff writer for modern family was making so much fucking money. If you staff write for a TV show now, you're making like not that not not much residuals, if any, and you're making like scale for like six months. These people used to write 20 episode seasons for a lot of fucking money. We used to have an actual industry. Now there's full on TV writers that they can't make a living to even live in LA. Right. And I mean, and if you were a TV writer, then you could have like six kids and they will be like the only new hires for a year. Yeah. You know, yeah, it was like all yeah, there's no like the reason so many people are turning to doing content creation and like and like brand deals is because a lot of the money that used to exist for people to just be actors or just be stand-ups is really not there anymore. I know that we've lost like people who are like on like, you know, the edge of everybody's periphery that when they pop up, you're like, I love that person. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's no like integrity anymore. Yeah. And I think that's I think it's sad. You know what I mean? You have this show like, you know, Black Mirror that has like people will be doing like it's like we've kind of like become that. Yeah. You know what? Thank you for saying that. You know, I'm trying to be a sellout with integrity. Well, the reason why I just the Black Mirror sentence was just so incoherent was because I was about to talk shit where it like didn't matter. But I mean, if you need to, I'm Mark Maron. You are Mark Maron. I'm Mark. I'm on a Mark Maron podcast run. I actually don't think of you as Mark Maron. I think of you way more as like Louie. Yeah. CK. Yeah. I know who the fuck you're talking about. I preordered his book. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. He's using a pseudonym for his book. It's Louie CK rolling. Oh my God, that's beautiful. Yeah. Is that funny? That's a really funny idea for the pseudonym to be another thing. Like yeah. Yeah, that's not true. Oh, I don't I don't I don't want I mean I'm in hot water right now. My pseudonym is Charles Manson. Yeah. It's like okay. Even worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm going on tour and I'm changing my name to Jeffrey Epstein. Oh my God. Yeah. Come out to a show. Yeah. Come on out. Well, I'm doing Madden A's. What do you think of the Epstein list? Does it exist or no? Be honest. Well, I've got you here. The one thing I'm like, okay, list. Is it like Buzzfeed? Yeah. Top 20 pedophiles who visited Jeffrey's Island. Which pedophile are you? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. The Epstein quiz. Yeah. I think God we don't live. We live in America. You know what I mean? We're like we don't have to say pedophile, you know? Oh, that's what the Brits do. He's a pedo. Yeah. It's so much it's so much grosser than pedophiles. So I hate you and them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate you both. Pedophile is really, really nasty stuff. I do wish that people would have a little I'm trying to be a sellout with integrity. I wish people would say no. Like when you realize how much money people are making, you're like you could have said no to at least three of those brands. The really evil ones, you know, people that will just do anything. I'm like, that's crazy. Yeah. It's nuts. But then I feel like I'm just splitting hairs to make myself feel better about the fact that I do ads, you know? Yeah. Ads. You ready to play a game or what? Love games. True or false segment. I'm going to read you Gavin. Are you ready? I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. If you think what I just said is true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. Oh crap. Yeah. That's huge. You ready? There have been three Toy Story movies. False. False. Four. The first ever Starbucks in Antarctica opened this year. True. False. Fuck. Calvin Klein is still alive. False. True. Winston Churchill's mother was born in Brooklyn. False. True. Tug of war used to be an Olympic event. I've had so many wrong answers that. True. True. The Vancouver Grizzlies were the first NBA team to have a website. True. True. Roku was founded in 1989. False. False. 2002. Dr. Pepper is older than Coca-Cola. False. True. The Great Cup predates the Super Bowl. True. True. Seth Rogen is six foot three. Don't be wrong about this. True. He's really powerful in this industry. True. False. 511. Blood donors and sweet. Damn, he should have that like a leg surgery from a materialist. Seth, I know you're watching. Get the leg surgery. Blood donors in Sweden receive a thank you text anytime their blood is used. True. True. Freaks. They're founded in Germany. True. True. The Wood Frog can hold its pee for up to eight months. True. True. Arkansas's nickname is the Show Me State. True. False. It's Missouri's nickname. Arkansas's the natural state. I'm Canadian. It's okay. A newborn giant panda is the size of a stick of butter. True. True. How do you do? Oh, damn, dude. You were so close. What do you need? Ten? You needed at least ten. Yeah. I was just like, sorry. It's okay. I went on a bad run at the beginning and so I had like a couple of falls in a row that were kind of embarrassing. Yeah. No, it was humiliating, but our fans are very forgiving. Okay. And most people fail? No, I think you're only like the second or third person to fail. And who else failed? A lot of people. I'm just playing with you. It's pretty hard. Yeah, some of them sound like they would be true, but they're false. And then also some of them sound false and they're true. Yeah, it's fucked up, right? I hated it. It's not cool what we do. I hated it. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't like it. Is there anything you want to tell the people that we didn't get to? We've got time. I'm doing really good right now and I'm like just in terms of like personal life. I'm like pretty happy and like doing a lot of stuff for myself. So that's pretty good. And yeah. Dude, that's really good to hear for real. I'm gonna be in Vancouver in Toronto in September. I don't know when this comes out. This will be out by then. On doing stand up. And I'm gonna in Vancouver in Toronto. Where are you doing? Where? Vancouver at some new club and in Toronto at the Randolph Theatre. Whoa. Which is a church where I was actually going to film my hour, but then they told me that they actually have the Little Mermaid musical coming in a week later so they don't know if they're going to be able to take down the set design. So I'm a little confused by that. But so if I do have a kind of Aquarian theme special come out. Just know the set deck wasn't really like first choice. I think doing your hour at a church in Canada that refuses to take down the Little Mermaid set is actually really fucking funny. Yeah. We'll do a bonus segment after this and when we do I'll tell you about my idea for my next special. Okay, great. I think you'll like it. Tell people where they can find you Gavin. Thanks for being on. Gavin, that's on social medias. Hell yeah. Thanks Gavin. That was a hate gun podcast.