State of Boring News, Epstein Files & Hotel Laundry Secrets

They cut out the part where she goes, am I talking to the turtle? The consciousness of life and what beauty of love. Spank me with a spoon, you b****. But anyway, consciousness. So we just come out as Joe Dirt and Garza take questions. Take questions as them. Yeah, make the crowd happy. And of course, my Bohemian Rhapsody. Whoops. Oh, boy. How do we get to this Sorry Sorry Sorry I apologize Don't be nervous We have ads to read But don't get a Don't be a motor mouth We've got ads to read later You know what Dane I was asking some people If you had one word to describe Dana Carvey And they were like motor mouth i think one i stole your burn and used it against you one word to describe me probably is what or why one word to describe you is confusing yeah one word to describe you is um silver entrails by the neck that's kind of me no that's because the light hits it look i combed my hair but i pushed it i love that we talk about hair and everyone just can't stand it but I can't stand not doing it. Well, we could talk about my abs if they want. I mean, whatever they want. I mean, if we have to talk about, does anyone need some laundry done? Because we'll do them. Hey, I have a fitness tip for everybody. Okay, please. When you go to the gym twice a week and then you just sit around in between, there is something to signaling your muscles. like i'm just saying to people if you can do two push-ups every hour just two yeah so you got like two total in the week no but then you get an hour rest you do two more it's a signal to your muscles if you want to go out there and you know my bus my muscles are like this my muscles my muscles are jealous of your muscles why can't you be buff like him i have no muscle you know i look like a bit of a pipsqueak but i'm more of a fucking puss how important is a just a quick question yeah because i was in this with someone said how much do women like not like really big muscles on a man i think heather's giving a thumbs down i think what she's going to say and i'm guessing is too big a muscles are kind of pointless and from all the data i've gotten it's too much time at the gym is too egotistical like work on other parts of your life don't just be gym rat there's a word that yeah that's fair that's a word that my wife and i use that we're not fit but we're fit ish no you're you're both I've seen Paul my whole life She always Great shape I know Listen Paul is gorgeous People need to know And she's a sweetheart And you You're a sweetheart I like when people say Beauty and the Beast I'm like you can't say that Beauty and the Beast Am I the Beast or the Beauty No you're the Beast But you're not bad But when I used to date Anyone that was over a three People would be like What is a dude How did he land that? I'm like, I'm fun at parties. I'm fun. There's about a two-hour window at night when I'm fun, usually at dinner, and then fucking. Well, you're like me, which is kind of lucky. Hey, want to have dinner what time? 3.30? Yeah, they serve. You're the only one in the world that beats me to dinner. I know. I don't get the idea. I want to get me a big cheese pizza at 10.05 and get in bed and pull the covers up at 10.22. I don't get – come on, count me out. I don't like to go to sleep. That's Miami. They go, we'll go to dinner at like 11. We'll start. I'm like literally not one person has a job. They're just all doing bumps and taking Instagram pictures. Okay, I got a few hot takes. Getting right to my week. All right. I got a few too, but I want to hear yours first. Mine are more boring, so I get to go first. Yours are usually better. Okay. I will say, because I was on the road, by the time I do this, I'll be going to Casinorama in Toronto and also Oceans. Is that near Niagara Falls? Casinorama, Toronto. No. Toronto's written in three movies, and Toronto's the most requested city. But the Canada tax thing It has nothing to do with the people Canada's great audience It's like the reason why we don't shoot movies in America It's tax here They're different when you do stand-up Anyway I get taxed twice But I'm still going because I want to go See the Toronto people It's a little on the outskirts Toronto people are nice My experience Being in Toronto But I would say that Canada just chased me for 15 years. I did a movie there, Trapped in Paradise, with Nicolas Cage and John Lovitz. Christmas classic. But then they would call me at home. Hey, you owe some Texas, right? Same thing with New York. You owe some Texas. You owe some Texas. What's that, a boot you not peeing them? Same thing with New York. New York would call me at home after I moved out of New York and harassed me. So finally, in my passive-aggressive way, it's like this New York IRS, and we understand we've got news clippings here. And it seems like they saw me on Letterman. It seems like you live in New York. And I just started going, well, how do I know you are you? Yeah, you're AI. You're just a voice on the phone. How do I know? And they're like, no one ever said that. Well, what do you mean? Once they realize you've got a few beans in your jeans, they come looking for it. Yeah, if you've got a few squashes in your moshes, just because it rhymes. You can't associate Levi's with beans. I stole that from my brother, Andy. He says that. It's so funny. Heather, turn that one down. I realize I squint on this eye like Tom Cruise. I don't know why. I don't want to be like that. He kind of has one eye that's always kind of closed. Have you noticed that? Pull it up, Jamie. No, that's what Joe Rubin said. That's what Joe Rubin said. In your dreams, Jamie. But what about this, Dana? Barbarians is a place we used to go eat because Rob Lowe, he says that joke where Farley would cut it like a two by two inch piece of steak. That's right. And then he'd peel the butter pat back and put that on one piece of steak and then eat the whole thing. Every bite. Fantastic. And then he goes, it needs a hat. And then you can't argue with that. But then Rachel McAdams was talking about, I think the notebook was filmed up there. And she's like, we used to go to this place called Barbarians. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I have talked about that. We have so much to talk about. And you used the butter, the pat butter and the little thing as a hat. I will tell you, I went to the notebook. Premiere. Oh, I told you it was a premiere horror in the past. I didn't. I went to see James Garner at the party after just to say, you know, good job like I saw. Jimmy Garner, the James Garner Yeah, he's my boy Damn I was doing a show with him Oh, I love that guy He was a great guy What a stud They're redoing Rockford Files And I'm like, I don't know With who? I know it's really hard No, he was amazing And it's with me And I'm still critical Hey, you got a lot of trending For your Burgess Meredith impression And I realized the key was to say, instead of murder, say Moida. He's going to – he always goes, he's going to hoit your poignant rock this time. Poignant. That guy was a brilliant movie star. He did Of Mice and Men, and then his career mic drop, though, was whatever the character's name was. I like – oh, did he play The Penguin? oh my god yes you're right he played the ping one on the batman series in 1968 thanks for tuning in boomers yeah rock rocky didn't have a good team about him because his team was burgess meredith saying he's gonna wait you a point minute and then his wife going you can't win i'm like god damn i need a better crew they cut the scene where he kind of confesses to his his girlfriend and the couch he goes hey my strategy is to take about 55 punches to my face right and i'll be so beat up he'll get tired he'll get punched out because no one ever got hit in their face more than rocky and rocky won yeah and he's like they cut out the part where she goes am i talking to the turtle am i talking to butkus because well that's where i got the idea for the turtle guy and i'm asking oh yeah ah because of butkus girl okay here's a quick story i was on the road san antonio great crowd bat in the theater so i'm backstage with bobby and patrick and uh the fucking i go i'm about to go on i go is that a bird in here they go i think there's a bird in here it lands it's a full bat oh really oh yeah yeah so i says to the people i says to him i says to him i says i first of all i go it's gonna fly out during the show and i gotta talk i don't want to say anything i don't want to take anything away from my precious act but i get out there and within seconds bat follows me heather and comes swooping on the crowd and i said guys is that a bat and they all go yes they all yell and then they laugh and i go so you know that you know about bats in here and you're not scared because i just got a rabies shot coincidentally this afternoon and uh they said yeah they didn't care at all and i go we were going to say we should cancel the show they're like nobody cares about the bat oh we used to have them we have a montana what town was this in again san antonio oh yeah about dust right as early evening just a thousand Some bats will go and circle around the lake. Oh, they do that in Austin, too, I've heard. Yeah. There's a cave. But I don't love them. Bats are not cute. If you see them up close, hanging upside down. I'm doing that. Okay, here's another. That's a good noise, actually. I don't even know what bats sound like. I've never heard them make too much noise. They do make noise. They're just kind of gross looking. They're rats with wings, so two things in a line. Oh, so I'm going through TSA. I ate at the Whataburger I think in Dallas On the way to God, Whataburger really nails it If you're white trash, it's fucking Oh, is that a nationwide chain? I think it's mostly Arizona You know what, I think I had one I was driving to Phoenix for some gig And I think I had one Outskirts, and it was incredible I'll co-sign it It's not a sponsor, we're just saying this It'll be a sponsor next week I remember when I was with you And you picked your nose And you go What a booger I remember When you saw me Picked my nose And said Aren't you going to share I'll say I learned how to share in school Give me some of that bug One time you said I think I'm hot shit On a silver platter And I said No you're cold boogers On a paper plate Do you rehearse this stuff With Heather Heather goes Fourth grade That's what I used to rifle off in fourth grade I'd say second grade, she's being generous Yeah, that is generous Here's my line in Dallas I say, I see a lot of hot girls Out there from Big D And then they applaud and I go And a couple rough ones from Mesquite Well anything this is funny You probably got a big laugh It sounds mean You probably got a big, big laugh Okay, here's the last thing I'll say about the tour I go to TSA And we hire a greeter because I've never been to this airport and they kind of whisk you through there was no whisking it was everything took longer and then she we get to the TSA line I go this is pretty long she goes I don't know isn't it supposed to be shorter she literally knows not one thing and then we get up to the buckets and she goes so I gotta take off my shoes I'm like we hired you for information I said I don't think so I was nice I go it's TSA so we get up there and they always pull one of my bags out and they rifle through and you have to wait honestly it's probably 15 minutes we're like and do they do they find it what you're trying to smuggle i i go i know what it is yeah it's always like some food thing i bring that looks like but they told us how to do it where by the way can we just get rid of tsa there's it's fine you know what i mean we're fine now the rigmarole we go through to just listen if a few planes fall out no i'm kidding people voted they said what are the chances anyway i get there and she goes this yours just like i used to talk about my act full knife heather full knife and i like holy shit What It wasn that big But it wasn a butter knife You tried to get through security with a knife. With a lethal weapon. I think it's that one we cut boxes with, Heather. Oh, okay. Not your little carrot one, but like the big. Yeah. And I said, yeah, just, you know, it's for my toenails. It's necessary. Sorry, my nanos. Just in case my arm gets stuck in a rock. No, no. Perfectly you can frisk with the best of them. I think the x-ray, I noticed that I was slightly wrecked and maybe the excitement set off the alarm. Did it go off because I'm slouching? Let me know if my posture is off. No, I like being frisked in the morning, especially underneath with onlookers taking notes. It's a wonderful part of my existence. I just saw Annie Hall. What are you talking about? You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. No, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. I just saw Hannah and her sister. Just re-watched it. Yeah. By the way, anyway, they let me go, of course. They go, we're going to keep the knife. I go, please. So I didn't have to go to the clink. They were just laughing about it. It's so funny. They're just like, yeah, you're fine. I'm frisked, and this is no joke. I'm not kidding around here. Every single time. I don't know what sets off, and I get frisked, and I'm like this. And then if people recognize me, they're like, dude, what's going on, man? Because usually the TSA guy is like 22. I say, ever seen Wayne's World? Don't talk with a frisk. By the way, to that, I have a couple of things, just comments on. I thought it was interesting in the Epstein files, unless you have more of your story. Turn to page 2,800,000. Well, there's things that came out. So I give him credit. Bill Gates said that he did have an affair with two different Russian women. One was a physicist and one was a bridge player. But nothing with Epstein Island or Underage. So that kind of, you know. So because of this pressure mounting of like he's always, he's his like BFF. Right, yeah. Buddy system. Yeah. He's like, well, okay. But then when you start to see cracks like that, you get a little nervous because he's like, okay, a couple hookers. I just can't imagine because Bill, you know, he's Microsoft, so he's obviously an incredibly smart guy. And he has these Russian women and he's worth $100 billion, you know, so he's playing bridge. And then she's like, hey, Mr. Bill Gates, I like the way your style is on the bridge table. Would you like to go upstairs and make lovey, lovey time after we finish the bridge game? He says, I don't know. I just have one question. What's that? Are you Borat? In a wig. I like the way you dress. You work at Best Buy? Yeah. You have nerdy glasses, nerdy clothes, and nerdy demeanor, but you got $100 billion, so to me you're super handsome. And Bill's like, well, okay, I'm kind of shy most of the time, but all right if you want to. I like those double pleated khakis. I think I did Garth as Bill Gates. I feel funny when I The other one Go ahead No the other one that I thought was really Big was Deepak Chopra The guru Really had some pretty Intense email exchanges With Jeffrey When you hit a thousand emails There's some smoke Some smoke there I thought I don't see Deepak Chopra that way Normally, it's like you talk like this and with consciousness. He has to say that every five seconds. Consciousness and, of course, the spirit of time. And I thought, what if he got Tourette's and then the real guy would come out? You know, be like the consciousness of life and what beauty of love. Spank me with a spoon, you bitch. But anyway, consciousness. Pussy. Exactly. And I think that we can reach consciousness This time I wear the golden panties But anyway You can jump in I'm trying Consciousness What's pegging? I am And life is love in the planets and universe And God and consciousness My name is Deep Doggy Doodoo Anyway I got a laugh out of you Deep Throat Chippard so anyway you can't write it you can't think it nothing against dipak i don't know what he did but it is it's a funny thing as it unfolds we have we're comedians we have to there was a tourette situation the baftas but it's probably too much oh we can't say it but it was an unfortunate situation well this tourette's person kept saying the n-word and um i think it was some kind of award show or i don't know i think it was the baftas the baftas and he offended some people but i guess if you have tourette's you just it comes out you can't help it right it's just you don't even i don't know i mean that's what i've heard they had the girl bailey heather's favorite uh she came out and spoke upon it involuntary when they suppress it it does it hurts physically it's hard it's a hard thing i mean yeah the only weird is that he had a whole kuqax clan outfit on with the hood and everything he said that's part of tourette's part of tourette's he just dresses in that and he burned no it's just he must be horrified because he can't even over explain it away everyone's just like ah it just yeah was a rough one but you can't i mean it is it's just it's uh how did that happen you know what were the steps that took place that this gentleman would be on the stage yelling that word i mean did they have any idea the guy was in the audience but but i will say oh he's in the audience okay yeah he just yelled out but in his defense of course i'll get this wrong but he was saying i've done three documentaries with you know bbc so they know kind of how i am and i'm sitting 40 rows back but they put a microphone near me well okay and he said why would you put a microphone near a guy that does that has outbursts so he's starting to he's not he's sort of spreading the blame around he's like listen i shouldn't be near my well and also he was to redding for quite a while you know yeah he was like i hate dutch people you know there were a lot of stuff that was you know be pants I don't like Swedish people. Yeah. I don't even know. Things just come out very fast. But, yeah, I don't know. My favorite line of the last 10 minutes was Deepak saying, My name is Deep Doggy Doodoo. It makes no sense. I just ran right over it. No, you laughed. You have to listen back and we laugh. You laughed hard at it. No, it's good. You can get a comedian to laugh because usually when we're bantering, What happens in a comedian's brain is it's like ping pong. It's like, oh, that was funny. And then your brain goes to how do I join in on the party? Yeah, while you're talking, I go, I have to say something stupid. But I do like it. It makes me laugh when I listen to it or I see a clip and I'm like, that's funny. We both say stupid things. I just want to – the politics are really hot oven these days. But a few days ago, Trump did his State of the Union and he went for two hours. Now, we do public – we do our sets. 70 i do an hour i'm burnout yeah yeah yeah and 70 80 yeah by myself yeah i won't i play the guitar and then it just fills 20 minutes but even trump by the end got a little slower and he got softer because in the beginning we're gonna do things in the country and our economy has never been better and then two hours later many people are saying he loses a little bit of the bubble you look at it and you believe it and if you believe it you understand it and we're going very he's slowly almost asleep he's almost asleep i'm like they gave him the light i'd be giving the light going all right wrap it up it's just how much can you say i mean is he 80 or 79 i mean he's up there his ankles are swollen and it's two hours in he already was did two speeches he flew in right before it started i mean should we all just eat filet-o-fish for breakfast i mean i know what is the key to just bloviating is a great word we're going to do a lot of things and if you look at it you see it and believe me it's going to be great and we're going to do it a many times i have to say he could say one sentence with what he wants to say but he really builds it up and dances around it and fattens it up and you're like go go go never that's just the way he is he's always kind of sideways too i think as he's looking at that prompter they have glass prompters right yeah And he has that you can't see. Yeah. But he likes to take a phrase, go to center and mix and repeat it like three or four times. You know, the state of the union, the state of the union, the state of the union. And if you look at the state of the unit is good. It's good. It's good. It's good. And it's a it's just an eccentric way of speaking. Chris Rock used to do that. And I would make fun of him. I'd say your act is only 30 minutes. But you put out an hour special because you go, oh, Obama. then everyone laughs and he goes barack obama and they laugh and he goes president barack oh and then they're waiting for the funny part that's all he says there's no yeah he sets it up and then he does a joke but i go you just repeat everything i know well i'm friends with barack obama he says that chris rock is his favorite comedian michelle and i laugh so hard when he says barack obama over and over again when there's no punchline just my name we laugh all the time It is funny. Right, Michelle? It's better than Barry. What's his other name? Oh, Barry is a nickname. Sorrento. Barry Sorrento. Isn't that his real name? I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay. Also, on race, let me just say, at any of these award shows, I saw a clip the other day saying, and this gentleman won, and he's the first black director to win for this document. I wish they would quit saying that because I think everyone – we can't all be equal to just stop separating like that. Oh, the first in 30 years to have a black actor win this. But if you just say we're all actors, I think – now, this is my point of view, that it just makes it more even and not – we're all just the same. We're all acting. When I won my Emmy – whoops, dude. Oh, boy. Flashback. They announced it. And this is the 198th straight white male that has won this award. And I was like, why? This is the first pipsqueak. I don't want to. But can I be a person? Do I have to be a person? No, because when I was even doing Just Shoot Me, they go, you have a female director this week? I go, that's fine. Is it a director? Yeah. Okay. We got it. Like, you don't even have to say that. Female director. It feels like a little, not condescending, but a little diminishing. That's a good word. it's a little five percent instead of going we don't have a regular director you know what i mean so i was a great that's funny i remember hearing that that is a funny thing to say we have a female director um what color eyes got blue eyes uh and then you're back in okay yeah and has long hair short hair long hair judge yeah okay and then as the director we got clint eastwood that's it oh i did get thrown around my car when we were driving on the road in more boring news we should have a big call around how do you get more around well they were driving like a new escalator something i was sitting in the way back and i was not strapped in and when and they touched the brakes but the newer cars that have you ever seen automatic kind of locking brakes yeah i was like this you're not used to I went up to the dash, all the way to the dash. You went over the front seats and right up against the – Well, they were separate, separate. So I'm in the middle and I kind of went – But three different times they were hitting hard. And I'm holding on the back seat. I'm like, you can't just go a normal speed or do something. I always strap in if I can because I go – Yeehaw. Whoop. She-Q. I'm trying to do you. You do the seatbelt with sound effects. no the seatbelt i don't have any good ones i like when you go a little tighter oh you always do it and you go like that yeah well i have airplane shtick and it's never not made the flight attendants laugh right as we're starting to go you can do this loosen it loosen up your seat belt if you're in the front row which i was loosen your seat belt to like four feet long and then right as you start taking off you just go like this like as if you're a rodeo You wrap it yeah And they go crazy Yeah she was doing her seatbelt shtick right next to me And she looking at me and I like this You mean it was comedic or just? No, she's doing her real one. I'm paying attention. I go, I'm looking because no one's looking. Not one person is listening. And she goes, this is horrible doing it right in front of you. I'm like, well, you're not doing bits. There's that scene in Tommy Boy where Chris does a whole bit about it. About that? doing this yeah he puts on the oh that's right yeah puffs up uh i had a really nice flight attendant one sometimes they break the rules because i said i'm kind of a nervous flyer so she goes oh okay so we're taking off we're up like maybe 20 seconds in the air steep climb out and i know she kind of sneaks around and just hands me a beer she gets out of her seat oh i like that you know what this one's kind of rebel i like that because they like you i said to this one she came back later and it was just quick hop from i like that term quick hop from dallas to san antonio for the next show and she goes hey can i get you anything and i go oh she goes we don't have service so what do you want i go maybe just a little thing of water she comes back and casually drops it like it's a you know like a pass off right and it's a big bottle of water like this oh yeah and then i'm like this nice and then everyone else is looking at me and i'm like this and they're like waiting for water they want that little dixie cup meanwhile i'm like that i'm waterlogged i can't finish this thing i have too much water i was on an overseas flight and they they i just got one of those like 45 ounces yeah and i just chugged it because i go okay i'm at altitude i've had a few adult beverages because of my nervousness i'm gonna be hydrated and then you have to go to bathroom the rest of the flight all right let's get to some no takes hot takes okay hot news i wish we had beep beep beep beep boring stories not this one what boring story oh you know this is a really boring story love is blind star sparks outrage for dumping his fiancee because i saw this clip i don't even know this show at all but he prefers women he's delicately trying to say she's out of shape right it's so horrible because a if we have a picture if you can look her up she's really pretty b i think she's a doctor and so he could do a lot worse is an understatement and she's going what's going on he's like i just well i work out a lot and she's like uh-huh and he's like i just kind of like a girl that might want to cruise by the gym yeah and he finally after he dances around he goes looking for more of a pilates by a girl that rocks out pilates like twice a day and it was just not going well everyone's cringing going do not finish this and she's like uh-huh no keep going and he was just hanging himself and then he finally goes you get it right and she's like yeah take it easy and i was like oh i don't even want to see the comments everyone's gonna be like you have a beautiful doctor and you're worried about when she i i've seen pictures she doesn't look like any sort of out of shape anything well what i would her best comeback was said look okay i i appreciate it man but i think you're looking for a dude you might need a gym can't women be soft and curvy i mean arnold that was his thing if a woman has better abs than me i kick her out of the bed yeah i need to date you should maybe date the situation yeah remember him yeah of course do you remember his uh that the guy who was also on that show called the predicament i remember the uh conundrum okay i'll see your conundrum and raise you like predicament no i did that on as a joke on that's funny because the predicament is kind of foreboding it's a little bit like what we're in a bit of a predicament yeah but most men are not worried about a you know a muscly woman you know it's just you know it's a young guy he doesn't really and he's just talking yeah he steps in shit because when you say that and she's just leaning you're going like ladies listen to this bullshit and he's like he should have said just listen you're great and you're hot and why don't you get me some free coding cough syrup use your connection oh greg she's got it if you want to put it up Yeah, I'll give you a prescription. I like Heather goes. He looks like a doofus. And she's gorgeous. Yeah. Hey, honey. Write me a prescription for love. Yeah, leave your prescription pad out. I want to write you love notes every day. She's like, I didn't see love notes, but I do see that you have 100 extra Vicodins. He's like, oh, well, one prescription for me and then one love note. All right. Okay, this is the guy. See, she's pretty already. Yeah. She looks like Demi Lava. And he's like, so anyway, I'm on the ab cruncher, and I'd like to see you on the Gravitron. I mean, maybe I'm – should I keep talking? She's like, yeah, keep talking. There's so many people in the gym now. I mean, it must be a good business. I don't know. It seems like they're packed with people trying to be strong. I like a girl that knows her way around a kettlebell. That's what he was saying. uh yeah i have no comeback i'm speechless all right next story that's good that was a dumb one but it's fine they're all dumb no it was great it's fantastic i know a lot of people on raya and tinder but this is one that just pops up my feed called it's prison connections okay my name is amy jackson i'm currently incarcerated at pocatello women's correctional center in idaho My IDOC is 129009 And you can reach me on the Getting Out app I'm tall, articulate, tattooed And a total baddie I'm also into some pretty freaky shit So if you have a taste for the taboo Taste for the taboo? Oh, she's into some weird shit Well, yeah, freaky shit We get that You had me at hello You had me at I'm a baddie And I'm like, no shit you're a baddie You're doing seven years for something What a dandy She's a real dandy I mean, you know, someone might want to court her. Right. Yeah. I mean, if you're into sort of, you know, the monsters, vampire-y kind of, you know. Yeah. She's a little decorated. A little bit scary kind of thing. Yeah. Because where does it go? Where does the kink go? Well, first of all, to date them, I don't know how I didn't scribble down all that info, but they're in jail. I guess the first order of business, if you have some sort of love connection, what are you in for? If it's, you know, it could be something harmless. So if you can live with that, it's not that bad. Well, now I will court you, visit you, write you letters until you get out, and then you can come stab me. Okay. I have a question for this kind of stuff for you, Heather and Greg. Why is it that women seem to love Murderers on Murder's Row They fall in love With the murderer on Murder's Row I mean they like bad guys that are in trouble Yeah They know where they are at all times They're not out with other women They're stuck in jail So they're not cheating They're killers but they're controllable I brought you some Twinkies It's, hey, thank you, baby. But the problem is once they get out, now they're free, so they borrow your car and they stay at your house, but then you don't know what they're doing. That's where they start to have some hiccups. Do they ever get suspicious when they come in with the police report? Like, I love you, Danny, but it says here there's a photo of you stabbing this guy. Oh, that's all. That's Photoshop. I know. Are they still talking about that? I mean, one day. It's crazy. You throw out my best day and my worst day. I hate killing people. Look at me. Come on. But a jury. You know what? If I got that girl in prison, I'd be like, are you taking Pilates in there? Because I'm looking for a Pilates fit. From the last story. I understood. I was just trying to come back like ping pong. I was just thinking of Mike Tyson, his six years in prison. And he was just saying, he said, I had a great time in prison. I had the best time in prison. I ate like a king, you know. These motherfuckers. All the T-bone steaks would come in for me. I'd have a glass of red wine and everything. I mean, he had it so wired, and he was so beloved. Oh, they love him, I'm sure. Yeah. The guards are like, Mike, what can I get you? Hey, Mike, what do you want tonight? A T-bone? Yeah, and he had like a ribeye steak, you know. Could I get a VHS TV thing in here? I want to watch. Bank-a-man. No, I was going to go for Dickie Roberts, you know. David, I was going to go for one of your movies. Oh, good. Yeah, we can get you that. Okay, champ. Let's see if we can get you a laser disc or something. But I just did cross my mind just to make people very, very happy is that we do our – because we're playing a few dates. So we're coming on. And then we come out at the end and you do – because you can get into Joe Dirt like that. And I can get into Garth like that. So we just come out as Joe Dirt and Garth and take questions. And take questions as them Yeah, make the crowd happy I have no ad-lib skills I've ever written cue cards Well, but you used cue cards So it's just a thought It's a possibility We just did a gig together I know And you crushed, as usual It was great You were so funny Oh my gosh All right, next one. Let's see. Let's see. Now we're cooking with gas. We are on fire. All right. Influencer faces $1 million lawsuit. Oh, I heard about this story. Okay, what is this? Oh, she is giving tips on being in a hotel room. And if you don't have a washer and dryer, you can wash your underpants in the coffee machine. Heather, you've heard this. Talk Raider is facing a lawsuit. In the coffee machine? Oh, she's facing a lawsuit now. Tara Woodcox, who describes herself as a health and nutrition blogger, shared a video showing people how to wash underwear using a hotel coffee maker while traveling. In the video, Tara explains if you run out of clean underwear, you can place it inside the coffee filter compartment, close the lid, and press the brew button. The machine then sprays hot water over the fabric. She suggests drying the underwear with a bathroom hair dryer before wearing it again. Swinging it on your head. The video quickly went viral. Many viewers said this is exactly why they avoid using hotel coffee machines. Days later, several guests realized they had stayed at the same hotel as Tara and had already used the in-room coffee makers. And now who makes coffee? Who's the next person making coffee? To calm the situation, the hotel reportedly offered refunds to recent guests and replaced all coffee machines on the property. The hotel has now filed a lawsuit against Tara Woodcox, seeking about $1 million. $1 million. $1 million in damages for financial loss and reputational harm. The story has sparked debate online about responsibility and hygiene while traveling. No, they should, but people are figuring it out. Would you still use a hotel coffee machine? Yeah, that's... Huh. Well, I'm so glad she went viral. No, when I was a while back, was in Europe with my wife, And it's pretty easy to use the basin of the sink. And you have you just there's very hot water there. And you put tie a little package of soap and then you rinse it. And then you hang the underwear or T-shirt or socks over a thing. And it dries overnight or maybe a little hair dryer. And then you rinse out the freaking basin. You're not in there seeing all this stuff coming out of the armpits and out of the crotch area. All you see is clear, fresh water when you rinse out and run the water on the fucking basin. Oh, boy. I got a lot out on that one. Throw the underpants away. You did, yeah. I let you go. I wanted to kind of get some... So people are sickened by this. people with small lives can get just crazy about stuff. You know, you got to have a kind of a lo-fi existence. Like you just, you go to the supermarket and you're feeling the avocados. Fucking avocados, man. They're all gushy. Fucking thousand avocados. God damn it. That's me mad all the time. Okay, we'll go to the next one. Underpants and the coffee machine, we all agree is possibly gross. It went viral and then our clip will go viral. Oh, this is sad. I'm sure Heather knows about this story. Punch the baby monkey. His name is Punch. Okay. Right? Oh, Punch the baby monkey. I think he's in China. I'm not going to show it, but he's been bullied. Okay. Has he been bullied or not? Meet Punch. The six-month-old Japanese monkey was abandoned by his mother. Oh I thought you were going to correct it Oh he abandoned a mother He stepped in caring for him day and night No he sad We shouldn even show it And his surrogate mom a plushy orangutan that is now his safe place He hangs out with his little stuffed dog So cute. Punch's story went viral with many both on and offline cheering him on. Now he is slowly joining the truth. Does he think it's real? No, he gets sad and scared, so he hugs his little squishy dog. But he knows it's a fake. But he knows it's enough. It looks enough like an animal, but he knows it's fake. It's his only friend, Dana. Maybe he thinks it's actually real. What is the IQ of a little monkey? What if he thinks it's like Weekend at Bernie's and he's just dragging it around? What if he thinks, and I don't think this would happen, that he thinks it's David Spade? What if he thinks... That's all we do. What if he thinks it's a Garth doll because his eyes are bad? What if he... I don't know. No, but everyone's bullying him. i love it i mean look i mean you sleep with a special pillow and you you do suck your thumb at night i mean everyone needs comfort that's true i i think the world feels bad for him people online are like i will fly over to fucking china and i will save this guy i'll beat this shit out of every one of those other monkeys people get really worried you know they get worked up because animals mean a lot well it's like you're around a one and a half year old and no one can take their eyes off the toddler all the you're just staring at the innocence and the lack of awareness and so the little monkey doesn't know how ridiculous he looks if you could speak monkey sound you tell him it looks stupid and the little monkey be like oh yeah he has no friends you look dumb that's what they chat about there well i'm in turn don't be stupid and drag around that stuff animal. No, it's not real. You'll be happy to know that that stupid animal sold out immediately online. Immediately. And is opening for us in October, our next big casino. Do we have a gig next year? Yeah, we have one that's up around the same area we just played, but further north. Okay. Yeah. Those are fun gigs. And Lincoln. We had a great time in Lincoln. Great crowd. California, Thunder Valley. Thunder Valley. Incredible audience. Okay, next one. I've got to wake up. Yeah, I know. It's just this late afternoon. It's really normally my nap time. Okay, here we go. What is this? Oh, underground noises. Let's see what these are. A farmer in Kentucky decides to dig a huge hole on its property after hearing this loud construction noise coming from deep underneath his farm. His farm is in the middle of nowhere. All right, guys. Well, interesting. We've got a six-foot hole dug here, and we've hit rock, but listen to this. Okay, I'm listening. Ah. Someone trying to get out? Terrifying. I don't know. Is he hitting rock or is he hitting concrete? Is this some type of underground construction? Or is some mob guy that was hit by the... Or some aliens live under there. Yeah, or it's just a funny sound effect the guy's making. It's me under there going... I'm going... That's called doing a panting dog. This video was taken from another section of his property. So it just sounds... What's that noise? This sound has been going on for months now. Still with no answers. Freak me out. It almost feels like there's some kind of construction going on underneath his farm. Too easy to fake though, right? I don't know. I mean, to dig... He dug six feet under... The farmer says he can feel the ground fiber. Oh, see. There's definitely something going on underneath. I don't like this voiceover. We're on AI voiceover. It's kind of scary. At least it doesn't have that scary music. Outside of there's something being built underneath his farm. There's probably a real one. What they don't put in here is the guy put his house up for sale for $89. And he finally got a buyer. Who wants to buy a property? Yeah, I wouldn't. Do you ever disclose if you have aliens underneath your house in a secret tunnel? We probably talked about this. Have you heard a noise at night that scared you in your house? Of course. And what did it sound like? I'm the biggest puss, yeah. I have a locked door. What did it sound like? Spade. What's up, guys? I go, nothing. I'm going to bed. If I keep hearing this, I'm coming out. No, I'll go out there. I'll start some fucking shit. I got the same thing. What do you got? You don't need spade. That's what they say? I made it up. Who is it, Gervitz? I actually talked to our mutual manager, and he loves our impression of him. No way. He said, I love it. Yeah it's a nice little hop Yeah to open your shirt Your heart will fall out You like money Who's funny in you I guess Danny You just told him the same thing He's got Zach He's got so many funny people I know it's quite a little cavalcade Cavalcade of Comedians Oh another one oh where's that one about who's domi is that one okay mom domi blasted for requiring five forms of id to shovel five what the right well dsa opposes uh voter id yeah yeah i trump brought that up is that true i mean he's high he says if you want to shovel snow as a regular citizen because it's not going fast enough come down and we will you guys bring a shoveler we'll get you well you'll they'll pay you like 29 bucks an hour but you need a not a four five forms of id i thought it was two but yeah well just if it's even one you know i think people are saying if you if you don't need one to vote why would you need one to shovel snow well you know of being a mayor i don't know why you'd have to identify who you are as an American citizen to vote. That sounds a little weird. I mean. Yeah, don't break my personal space. I saw a three-year-old purchasing a quart of vodka, and I said, aren't you going to ID him? And the guy was like, I don't know, man. I mean, you know, he really needed an ID. He comes in every day. He's my semi-friend. And the three-year-old's like, thanks, mister. You know I got carded at Chili's my last trip. You did? card dead i didn't tell you heather carded because i ordered tito's with my diet coke on the side and they were like can we get some i.e and i go well i don't know if i have it and i go sorry we just got to give everybody get their id and i go okay can i just have and then i go bobby why don't you get some titos he goes okay and he showed his id and then i just the guy just put it down with me he goes sorry we just got a good idea i go i get it and how do i look i know they say oh we have to do this but there was a guy i swore he's probably 88 or something they were carding i mean he was like uh that was me tale of the crips you know that you honestly but they they kind of have to But that three-year-old, I don't know, maybe I misread that. Who did the voice of the Crypt Keeper? Bob Goldthwait? Close. John Kassir. Okay. What did it sound like? You remember John Kassir, a comedian? He was on Star Search? Sure. What did he sound like as the Crypt Keeper? Welcome to the Crypt Keeper. Let me tell you something. If any comedians ask other comedians about comedians, they always know the other guy. It's so funny. It's true. Everybody's worked with everyone somewhere along the line. You're like, oh, yeah, we did Rooster Teeth Feathers. It's still kind of a small group of people that are stupid enough to pursue a career in stand-up comedy with all the pain, especially the first three years. If you can get past three years, maybe you can settle in. But, yeah, some of those early bombs, woo-wee. They just start hearing, like, Nate. Everyone makes so much money, Shane. And you just go, A, that's lightning in a bottle. And, B, you have to be really good. And also, it's taken them forever to get there. Yeah, I mean, if someone wants to be a Nate or a Shane or a Spade, then they've got to put in. You gotta grind You gotta do your 10,000 hours Of just all those clubs and everything But yeah Well We'll end on that That upbeat note Yeah I don't have my sound effects Remember I used to have I know what happened to that I'll get them down here I have a new character That has a little prop that I'll do next week Oh Oh, cliffhanger. Cliffhanger. A lot of good feedback on Eddie Vedder last week on the other pod. I could have gone on for another hour with him. Once you start getting into the classic rock bands and the people he's played with and stuff. Yeah, he's a stud. Remember when I was telling who the greatest rock voices were? I said, Eddie, if you're not on it, don't get mad. Don't get mad. This is my list. Can't get mad. I thought you didn't do Freddie Mercury. I know. I would have gotten a Freddie Mercury We were kind of thinking 90s in a way It's hard because if you think rock There's so many different kind of voices I wanted to get to the female rockers But we ran out of time We kind of We forgot a few people So we want to clear that up Freddie Mercury has had quite the pipes What a tremendous talent that was And of course Carly Simon Could sing her you know sing her pants off or in edge you know did you remember live aid and and how big you know they talked about queen at live aid i just saw on instagram that uh who went after queen who would have to follow queen and they said people wanted to move their spot and david bowie said i'll go yeah and did great well the thing about the thing about queen which is uh just for a few seconds here is the range of what they did even though it has its own sensibility that's a queen song but you remember i mean we are the champions just that song not that it's ubiquitous but the way it started we at the chorus of we are is so brilliant and of course my um bohemian rhapsody whoops oh boy how did we get to this sorry wayne's world oh my god how did i forget Sorry I apologize Oh mama mia Mama mia la migo I still hurt You would have not liked that scene Penelope was your director We did it in black sheet Oh you did it right And I wasn't doing it hard enough because I got a bad neck And she's like spade go harder You gotta kind of just do your whole body Oh they were telling you to go harder Yeah because I can't keep up with Farley He's like no bones in his neck He's almost amorphous Meet me in the middle I can't keep up with it Anyway it was nice meeting you Pleasure Same bad time next week We'll see you next time Peace out everybody If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com. Thank you.