275 - Date Night

Hi, all it is Jeffrey Crainer and I'm here to let you know that welcome to Night Vale is coming to Europe just for a little bit. May 27th through the 30th, 20th, 26th, we will be in Edinburgh, Manchester, London and Amsterdam in that order. So if you live over there, get your tickets. They are on sale. Now we're so excited to bring this newest live show Murder Night in Blood Forest to Europe to the UK. It's so much fun to get back there and to keep doing this show because it is such a fun show to do and to see. So Europe, we will see you at the end of May. Tickets are available at welcometonightvail.com slash live. Oh, and if you like other welcome to nightvail things beyond just the podcast and live show, we also have the nightvail tabletop role-playing game. It's available in stores wherever you get your games. This RPG was created by Renegade Games with collaboration with me and Joseph and Bri, the writers of Night Vale. It's quirky, it's spooky, it's fun, you know, just like this show. So if you ever wanted to be a character in Night Vale and do freaky adventures there, then get on this. You can get the Night Vale tabletop RPG wherever you get your games. Okay, let's get on to the episode and hey, thanks. Love is in the air. But so are birds. So are bugs. Not to mention several dozen helicopters. At all hours. But at least we have love. Welcome to Night Vale. . Top story today is my sister Abby and her husband Steve agreed to babysit Esteban so Carlos and I could have a date night. Usually my niece Janice does the babysitting, but apparently she had her own date that night. Someone she met at her adult wreck basketball team. Oh, I need more details Janice and I promise Pinkie Swear not to talk about it on the air. Unless there's some super-ducy details. You know what listeners my producer Elise is telling me that my date with Carlos is in fact not the top story of the day. The top story of the day is that my old friend Earl Harlan opened a new restaurant called Ample Bees. Per their name Ample Bees is a honey-based restaurant. There's a large man-made hive in the center of the dining area where you can pet live bees and even fetch your own honey to put in your tea or glaze over your carrots or use as gravy for your garlic mashed potatoes. Ample Bees is a true farm to table concept. In addition to the live bees they also grow all the herbs and vegetables that they use in the restaurant itself. You can just pluck the foods you want and they cook them up. It's a mostly plant-based menu though they do serve some meat. They'll bring a bird or a quadruped right to your table and demonstrate for you. Quite graphically, just how high up the food chain we humans really are. I'm proud of Earl who's so talented, parlaying his food truck success into the hottest new fine dining establishment in Night Vale. Sorry, Ternicke, maybe you should have offered Earl a partnership when you still had him. Just saying, Earl sat Carlos and me at the best table in the house right between the fireplace, the rock climbing wall, and the bagpipe player who honked out classic love songs by the masters of R&B. Lonnie, Liston Smith, Shade, Insane Clown Posse, Kenny G, Husker Do, only the best for me and my true love. Oh, Elise is telling me that this is also not today's top story, which, fair, I'll get to that in a moment. But first, a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by Night Vale Community Radio. You want news, weather, sports, the latest traffic updates, and stories that affect you and your community? Well, tune into Night Vale Community Radio and listen to host Cecil Palmer tell you everything you need to know about your town. And more, why get your news from online aggregators or multinational cable networks? They don't cover Night Vale like we do. No, they don't even know we exist. And by extension, they don't know that you exist and, hey, you may not actually exist, but if that is the case, then maybe news isn't really for you. But if you do exist and you want people to, tacitly understand this about you, then listen to Night Vale Community Radio. You can find us on your radio. More specifically, it will find you. It's the only radio station you can get out here in the desert, except WZZZ, but they changed their format years ago from a mysterious and overmodulated voice reading out random numbers to hardcore, plasma fusion. If that's your thing, great. But we here at Night Vale Community Radio are all Night Vale all the time. Why don't you go turn on your radio right now and listen to Night Vale Community Radio? Okay, now back to our... oh, sorry, my producer is talking in my ear. What's that, Elise? Well, since I'm station management now, I thought I should spend some of our advertising budget. Yeah, and hopefully people who hear the ad will start listening. Okay, well, you'll take that back when our listenership skyrockets. And now back to our top story, which actually has to do with my date night. Oh, and I have to interject here and say it wasn't only date night for me and Carlos. I saw a Nazar al-Lujahid and Francis Donaldson a few tables over pulling up turnips and spring onions, archaeology professor, and some kind of religious sect leader, Harrison Kip, was there with a bunch of people in dark red robes. I thought maybe it was some kind of cult meeting they were having, but also they were all holding hands and laughing and sometimes kissing each other tenderly. So I think it was a group date. Josh Craton was also there with that woman he met a couple months back at the festival. I think he said her name is Haley. They look so cute together. They were laughing and talking. I think this is going great for young Josh. He looked really comfortable and and so happy. Wilson Levy and his wife, Amber Akeeney, were there. Not really a date night for them because they had their six year old daughter Flora with them. Still, Flora was having a fun time cuddling the bees and eating Thai basil straight off the stems. I love it when children are exposed to a good diet. It's so hard to get Esteban to eat his vegetables. If he had his way, every meal would be chicken tenders and a ranch milkshake. Oh, and Michelle Wynn, owner of Dark El Records was there with her partner and former intern of mine, Maureen Johnson. Maureen ordered the cassilet, which was so cool because the server turned a lamb into sausage right at the table. It was pretty loud and a bit messy, but they have a very attentive weight staff who mopped everything up before the meal was served. And Michelle ordered this dish that was titled Essence. It's basically an entire five-course meal reduced to essential oils and then sprayed around the table. It wasn't drinking, but I went with the eggplant paring instead. Fortunately, they sat right next to us so I got a whiff of Michelle's entree and it smelled delectable. Also, they told me they ran into my friend and former mayor Dana Cardinal the other day. She's loving her job as a career counselor at the community college. I didn't know she got a new job, I said. Uh, she's been there four years, Cecil, Michelle Scoft. Oh, she is. Maureen showed me a photo of the two of them with Dana from a hiking trip they all went on. Oh, Dana grew her hair out. It's gorgeous, I said, and they both stared at me. And Maureen said, yeah, a few years ago, yes, and I, yes, Elise, top story on it. But first, let's have a look at Business News. Open AI announced today that they're feeling a little hurt by the things people are saying about chat GPT. It's unfair because we work so hard. I'm putting all that data people thought was private or or copy-righted into our system. And and and now people are saying that it's a terrible idea. They said through blustering sobs. How would you feel if we came to your work and said, oh, that's that's um that's bad. What you did there, gross. Doesn't feel very nice, does it? Open AI continued. Critics of AI software countered that there have been some notable errors and even deaths related to AI use, not to mention the immense amount of environmental damage being done by the unfathomable amount of electricity required to run chat GPT. These critics also accused Open AI of generating an artificial market bubble around a deeply flawed and unsustainable tech product. And that, ultimately, this is all a cynical attempt to rake in billions of dollars from gullible venture capitalists. Open AI then shouted, this isn't about you, it's about our feelings. As they stormed out the room and crawled back into their spider hole, tumble and cry. This has been Business News. Okay, now on to our real top story. I hope you're happy Elise. The Night Vale City Council unanimously approved the immediate emergency construction of a new monument to town founder Tabitha Littlefield, who re-emerged from a chrysalis last year and has been wandering around town eating people. No one seems to be able to stop her. It could be because she has superhuman strength and a capacity for even greater violence, but likely it's because we're all too reverent toward this important historical figure. Either way, she's been really hard to stop. The City Council member and primary spokesperson for the entity, Tameka Flynn, said that they want this new monument to reflect the thoughtfulness and leadership of Mia's Littlefield. There will be a noble bronze statue placed atop a marble plinth. Mia's Littlefield will be depicted holding the articles of township incorporation in one hand while the other hand points accusingly at the sky. The statue will be placed far. Far out in the scrublands directly above a crypt, made of solid lead, buried 20 feet below the earth and encased in several layers of concrete. Reporters asked Tameka if the City Council plans on re-barrying Ms. Littlefield so that she'll stop eating us. Ah, I wouldn't go that far, Tameka said. I mean, if she happens to wind up in the tomb, unable to get out and eat people, that's on her. How do you plan on capturing Tabitha Littlefield, came a beautifully worded question from a clever and insightful radio journalist. We would never, Tameka said, gasping and holding her splaid fingers across the top of her chest, she's the town founder after all. There was a brief pause before Tameka added, but we could certainly urge her to bury herself. Everyone nodded agreeing that this was the most tactful approach. That's our top story, which I was getting to, at least, because it relates directly to my date night. So, around the time that Carlos and I were looking at the dessert menu, which was spectacular, by the way, Earl had all the classics, a New York cheesecake, a Boston cream pie, a Cleveland fun dip, an Iowa city pudding shot, and even a Spokane Sherbert, which I believe is made with blue cheese and dashi, ah yum. We were trying to decide between the pudding shot and the Sherbert, when we heard a shout. We looked up and saw Josh and Haley leaving backward in fright. The door to the restaurant was wide open and standing right up front, was Tabitha Littlefield. People cleared out of the way, hoping not to be grabbed and eaten, as our town founder shambled slowly through the amble bees. Her red eyes bulging and damp, her lower jaw dangling down to her sternum, her torso was engorged from her constant meals of citizen flesh. Every few steps she was stumble slightly, but recovered quickly. Finally, restaurant owner Earl Harlan and his son Roger, who was one of his line cooks, approached her to ask her to leave. But before Earl could say anything, Tabitha Littlefield's long, bony fingers grabbed Roger's face and lifted him off the ground. Her arm grew a naturally long as she lifted the young man high into the air, directly above her gaping moth. Earl screamed and clawed at her, but it was too late. She dropped Roger directly onto her thick, writhing tongue and then swallowed him whole. More on that soon, but first Earl. Earl finished the story at least, but this is a news station, and the top news is always the weather. I've been trying real hard to lose my mind, but something happened inside my heart, something I can't deny. I've got outside, if I need to fight, the sweetest of the just alright. This is nearly what I'm feeling. Suddenly you came out and turned my world upside down. It just happened, I don't know how. Now I'm left without a sound. This is wonderful, but it's causing a war. Because you too got huge part from my heart. I need it back to feel alright and just go on with my life. I think of you night and day, I guess I'm going insane, but I just can't ignore. But I love you more and more. I got out of sight, if I need to fight, the sweetest of the just alright. This is nearly what I'm feeling. Suddenly you came out and turned my world upside down. It just happened, I don't know how. Now I'm left without a sound. This is wonderful, but it's causing a war. Because you too got huge part from my heart. I need it back to feel alright and just go on with my life. I got out of sight, if I need to fight, the sweetest of the just alright. This is nearly what I'm feeling. Suddenly you came out and turned my world upside down. It just happened, I don't know how. Now I'm left without a sound. This is wonderful, but it's causing a war. Because you too got huge part from my heart. I need it back to feel alright and just go on with my life. Hi, this is Rob Benedict. And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural. It had a pretty good run, 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen of course every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll of course have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Krypki was, he's great, we love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent decovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes. So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural, then and now. Back to my date night. Yes, Elise, our top story. After Tabitha Littlefield swallowed Roger, it was silent, except for Earl's pained wails, filled with sadness and rage and defeat and a hint of pleading. We all felt his pain not in our hearts, but in our bones, a deep, throbbing hurt, and we all lunged at his Littlefield. We then discovered that she does, in fact, have superhuman strength and she managed to throw us all off her with ease. Except Josh Creighton, who also has a superhuman ability. Josh shaped shifted into a giant squid and wrapped her in his tentacles. He turned his massive eyes toward the Oshah mandated first aid for choking poster. He gave a couple of hard, rapid crunches on Tabitha Littlefield's distended belly and with a burp and a spurt of goo Roger squirted out from her face and landed in the Yam Garden. He was unharmed, though quite confused by what had just happened. This Littlefield grabbed Josh and pulled him off. She tried to eat him, but the tentacles were too much, so she just threw him aside and headed toward Maureen and Michelle. Maureen said, that was so rad and Maureen said, yes, but her blue dress is hideous. I kind of like it, Michelle said. Midwest business lady Sheik is the new eclectic minimalism. And then Maureen said, fashion shouldn't have labels. Truth, Michelle agreed, and then asked if red wine is still a thing. Tabitha Littlefield stopped and watched this entire exchange slightly dumbfounded, or maybe she seemed dumbfounded what with her mouth hanging open. At this point, Harrison Kip and his dates, his flock? I don't know. Harrison and the people wearing the red robes surrounded Maureen's Littlefield and began chanting in a language that sounded like Latin, only slowed down 60% speed and then reversed. Now I took backwards Latin in high school, but damn if I can remember any of it. Anyway, most of it was about useless stuff like asking for the bathroom or where the library is, not practical stuff like ritual chanting. Seeing that she was overwhelmed by the onslaught of Josh's Heimlich, Maureen and Michelle's cool girl in difference, and whatever Harrison Kip's crew was doing, everyone else in the restaurant gathered around Tabitha Littlefield. Josh's date Haley started singing her new favorite song, Creep Susette. Josh shaped shifted into a bass guitar and slid into her arms. Then, Nasr Alnuchaheud and Francis Donaldson used Honey to draw a circle around Maureen's Littlefield. Even six-year-old Flora Aquine Levy got into the action by handing our town founder a B and saying, Honeybees don't grow on trees, which is entirely true, but also a weird thing to say. Finally, Earl Harlan, a short that his son was going to be okay, approached Ms. Littlefield and said, ma'am, I'm sorry, but you don't have a reservation. We're all booked. Tabitha Littlefield's jaw tightened and for a quick moment, we saw the face of a woman. Not a monster, not an undead historical figure. For that fleeting second, we just saw a woman who looked hurt, frightened, alone, and hungry. Roger handed her a plastic bag with it to go box inside. I had enough sausage to make an extra cassolet, he said. It's on the house. Harrison Kip and his whatever group kept chanting as Tabitha Littlefield looked down at the doggy bag, backed up at Earl and Roger, then she walked out. A call was placed to the sheriff's secret police to report to the incident and let them know where the town founder was, but it turns out the secret police take every third Wednesday off as well as seven nights and even numbered Monday, so no nice. Tabitha Littlefield still walks the streets of Nightvale, but perhaps we have learned that if we stand side by side with each other, for each other, if we unite as a community, we can stop her from devouring us. Or maybe it was the honey circle that did it. Or Haley's discordant rock song. Or the sweet girl offering up a bee, or Roger's grace, or whatever weird crap Harrison is up to, or Miss Littlefield's embarrassment about not calling ahead, I don't know what got her to go away. Just that she did. Though Harrison Kip did take all the credit for it, he asked if he could have a couple of the servers as payment for his good deeds, but none of the wait staff wanted to be sacrificed to some brand new fly-by-night god, so Harrison had to settle for 25% off the final bill. Everyone else received a Cleveland fun dip. We all cheered for the free dessert. And for our survival. And for Earl Harlan and his triumphant new culinary venture, five stars, a perfect date night experience. Stay to next for the sound of a jaw unhinging and then slurping down a still warm cassolay. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale's production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kraner, and Bri Williams, sound design and production by Dispiration. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Dispiration. All of it can be found at disparition.net. This episode's weather was, without a sound by Midlights. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Blue Sky at Nightvale Radio or on Instagram, Tumblr and TikTok at Nightvale Official or start second guessing whether you remember to pay your taxes. But mainly check out welcometonightvale.com where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. Every newsletter includes a personal recommendation from Joseph or Jeffrey of something we are really loving right now. Today's proverb, when God closes a door, he gives you one hour to escape the room. Hi, we're Meg Bashmanor and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Nightvale and on our new show, the best worst, we explore the golden age of television. To do that, we're watching the IAMDB viewer rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of the X-Files, we're sculling its attacked by a vicious house cat. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst available wherever you get your podcasts.