Welcome, welcome one and all to the Lecho. I'm your host Stephen Colbert. Love it, love that. Glad to see you keeping your spirits up. You know ladies and gentlemen, the last the last 10 years of Donald Trump warming his way into our brains have been weird but but yesterday might have been the weirdest weird that ever we're did and I'll just let this actual 100% real. We did not make this up or change this footage in any way. C-SPAN report, sum up the times we live in. President Trump spoke to reporters outside the Oval Office after having McDonald's delivered via the online food ordering service DoorDash. He then took questions from reporters on several topics including the ongoing conflict with Iran and a recent truth social post depicting himself as Jesus which he denies saying he thought it depicted him as a doctor. Even C-SPAN can't make that sound normal. If you just woke up from a coma and that report was the first thing you saw you'd ask the doctor to put you back in. I'm sorry, no I'm sorry. There you go. I'm sorry you'd ask the Jesus to put you back in. By now I'm sure everyone here has seen the AI slop image of Trump that he posted depicting himself as they crossed between Jesus and Dr. Strange. This recreational blasphemy got Trump so much heat that he pulled the post down from social media and now people can only see it everywhere on the internet. Clearly, clearly the damage has been done. In fact even staunch Trump supporters are now asking if he's the anti-Christ. Well I mean it's an interesting theological question but who are any of us to judge whether yes, yes he is. I'm joking, I'm joking obviously. But I'll tell you who's not joking. One right-wing podcaster and Trump supporter said in 18 months I went from hesitantly voting for Trump to thinking there's a decent chance he's the anti-Christ. And I gotta say he doesn't help that the message on his new hat says, yeah. Here's how offensive Trump's AI Jesus post was. The Knights Templar said they condemn it wholeheartedly and asked for a public apology. The Knights Templar. These angered the Knights Templar. Well it's official we're trapped in a Dan Brown movie. Quick somebody find Tom Hanks and give him a terrible haircut. Aren't those the guys at the end of the Indiana Jones movie with the last night we got some attempted damage control from vice president and scornful hamster JD Vance. Vance went on the Brett Bear power hour to staunch the bleeding. Take a look. Well first of all Brett I think the president was posting a joke and of course he took it down because he recognized that a lot of people weren't understanding his humor. Yeah it was just it was just humor. God humor. The Bible's full of it. I mean remember what Moses said to Pharaoh. Tell my people joke. Of course Charlton. Hold a lovely chicken. Of course this isn't just Dr. Maybe Jesus. Trump also posted a long message criticizing the pope. Why would you start a beef with the pope? According to a recent NBC poll, Pope Leo leads everyone in America in approval ratings. It's it's got to piss Trump off to learn that the most popular guy on the planet lives in a palace dripping with gold and wears an insane hat and it's not him. Fun fact. Fun fact. Do you know what American Finner's second in that NBC poll? It gives me no pleasure to say Colbert trailed only Pope Leo in favorability. Forgive me I lied. I actually found that quite pleasurable. Given the fact that he either posted a picture of himself as Jesus or he doesn't know what doctors look like. It's not surprising that even former allies and advisors are describing him as a lunatic and clearly insane. Then again it's possible he's not insane. He might just be the Antichrist. But president that's the way the cortex crumbles may not be the most insane man in his administration. He's got competition from number three official at FEMA and go to the petting zoo noticing a child has a bag of goldfish crackers. Greg Phillips. Phillips got us some interesting water recently when it came out that he claimed he once teleported to a waffle house. Now it is possible this sci-fi adventure happened after consuming some teleportation juice. Jim be me up Scotchy. Well hello hello. Fuck. Well now we're learning that teleportation which he also calls transportation or translation for biblical reasons that I did not learn in Sunday school. That was just the tip of the bonkers bird because Phillips also told a podcast that he once collapsed during a work trip while at a Lowe's hardware store and disappeared for roughly two hours during which his phone recorded about 15,000 steps. Then he came to in a McDonald's parking lot across the street with a Big Mac in his lap. I'm starting to see a theme here. Apparently this man has incredible time travel technology that he only uses to not remember how he got fast food. And that's not all. According to Phillips his powers span into the paranormal. He described a near crash in the desert saying he was saved when a dead girlfriend lifted his car off the road to avoid a truck. That's going to make for a weird insurance claim. Let's see. Sir I got driver's fault, other driver's fault, inclement weather. I don't see the box for ghost girlfriend levitated car. Okay. Also the night his late girlfriend saved him, Phillips was driving a car he had won in a poker game. It's like that Kenny Rogers song. You gotta know when to hold him. Know when to fold him. Know when to walk away from your girlfriend's ghost. You gotta count your money to some teleportation. Wind up in a waffle house and eat some Texas toast. So admittedly a long walk. But an enjoyable one. Phillips is a hot mess and we are here for it. 10 out of 10. You do you buddy. Unfortunately someone called the president's attention to it. Last week in a brief toilet telephone conversation with CNN, Trump was asked about Phillips and said what does teleport mean? Was he kidding? And when told that Phillips was not kidding, Trump responded I don't know anything about teleporting. It just sounds a little strange. This guy could be mentally ill. Okay. He should check himself into a hospital so he can be seen by a mental health Jesus. It's about it's time to talk about sex, baby. Yeah, specifically what it make because according to new data from the CDC, the U.S. fertility rate fell to a new record low in 2025. Yes, people are making really? You know where babies come from, right? People are making fewer babies and I think we know what's to blame the Taco Bell creamy Chipotle crispy chicken Crunchwrap slider. How are we supposed to get it on when I'm already pregnant with a food baby? Plus no sex could possibly compare with how good it feels going to town on that thing or how much shame you feel after. The youths out there are especially prone to the no bone. One survey found that 67% of Gen Z adults would pick a solid night of sleep over sex. Of course, you could have sex and then go to sleep but then why are we paying for ad-free Netflix? All in all, a low fertility rate is bad for any country because population stability requires about 2.1 children per woman and America has fallen below 1.6 children per woman. Not clear how many you need per man. Fellows, I say we get together and work the numbers at a Buffalo Wild Wings or maybe Taco Bell. They got these crunchy cheesy cream and these chicken pouchy things that'll really jump start your crank. There's one, I don't know what any of this means. There's one area of growth, births among older women are rising as the fertility rate for women ages 30 to 34 increased by 3%. And this is fun. So is the murder rate among those calling people 30 to 34 older women? Now am I going to finish this? Am I going to make it through this model log? I don't know. Hitting some black ice. Well, I want to build on any positive baby momentum out there. So if you're an American considering having kids but just can't get in the mood, meet me over at the get it all on cam. Hey, all you fertile myrtles and sperm and hermans. It's 11.53 on a Tuesday or as I like to call it, pound o'clock. Let's make some monkey butter. First, switch on the sex lights. Now you can't see any spaghetti stains on the couch. Now, snuggle closer both of you or all three of you if you're making one of those grab bag babies. Now I'll say some sexy words to rev your engines. Low interest mortgage. Dishwasher safe. In-laws got their own ride home from brunch. By now I'm sure you're ready to put the do it dough in the lovin' oven. I'll give you some privacy. Whoa. Points for style. Now I'll tell you something to bring you to the final brink of ecstasy. My guests tonight are Billy Crystal and Ina Gartner. We got a great show for tonight. Coming up, Billy Crystal. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Late Show already in progress. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest made his network television debut on this very stage some 50 years ago and has been entertaining us ever since. Please welcome back to the Late Show, your friend and mine, Mr. Billy Crystal. Oh. Lovely to see you again. Lovely to see you again. Also lovely to see a true pro comes out there and gives the audience a dose of themselves from center stage. Well, I think I look pretty good tonight. So I said, you look fantastic. How, how, you look good. How, how, how are you? I'm good. Yes, yes. You know, I've been watching you for years and a lot of the guests that come out, you have a drink with them. If they ask for a drink, we make sure there's a drink. I want a drink. Okay. Yes, I heard. We got word ahead of time. How do you feel about old fashions? I'm an old fashioned guy. Oh, me too. This is for you. Whoa. Oh, that's good. Gee. Yeah. That's not Manashevitz. This is, this is. Okay. Mazel Tov, I hear that you, you, you're. I love a new goju. I just love, I just love. I'm, I'm, I'm always tipping. I'm thinking of moving to the Upper West Side. I already go to Barney Greengrass. Now, your, your grandson had a bar mitzvah. Yeah. That's wonderful. I don't have a grandson or ever have a bar mitzvah. Tell me what's best about both of those. Well, we have the same birthday. Oh. Yeah. So the bar mitzvah was on our birthday, which is March 14th, a month ago. And it was the 65th anniversary of my bar mitzvah. Wait a second. Yeah. Is this all just as my people would say, Kizmet or is this. No, this is all planned. It just happened. It happened, fell on, on that, that day. That's fantastic. It was really cool. It was really cool. Yeah. He turned 13. I didn't. And yeah, it was weird when, you know, the night that he was born, yeah, I was having a 65th birthday party. So I said, I want it to be on March 14th. I like the birthdays on my birthday. And my daughter, Lindsey said, I'm not going to make it dad. I just know, look at me. I'm just not, I'm not going to make it. I just know it. So I had it on the 11th, a Sunday. Yeah. So the 14th, we just decided to have dinner together just quiet. And in the middle of dinner, she said, guess who's coming to dinner? And boom. So now they go to the hospital. And I was hoping it would be 12, 01 or 12 or two on the 15th. Yeah. You know, I just, it was always my birthday. Right. And he came on 949 on the 14th. And so, you know, it's, he's my birthday buddy. It's, it's joyous. And the early birthdays, I'd spend some of them in a plastic ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. You know, we're playing video games at David and Buster's, you know, so yeah. But now he's, we have four grandchildren and it's, it's a joy of our lives. The bar mitzvah went well. Oh yeah, it was really cool. He did everything right. Do you remember yours? Did yours go well? Oh, it was, first of all, I did a really funny 20 minutes. You, you did your own Torah portion? Yeah, I did. It made up stuff, made up stuff. Actually, my Torah portion, it was about, you never know what you're going to get. So we'll be ready to, no, it's assigned to you for the time of the year. So mine was about le, people with leprosy. So when I made my speech, I said, well, you know, my speech, my speech was of, uh, my Torah portion is about leprosy. These are people, when you say, you know, I got a hand it to you, you actually can. No, yes. You did? Yeah. Did it kill? Oh yeah, I got a funny laugh. We have to take a quick break. We're right back with more Billy Crystal, everybody. Stick around. Billy Crystal, I want to ask you about the beautiful tribute you had to Rob and Michelle Reiner at the Academy Awards. This is you with the wonderful cast of out there of his friends and associates out there. Is it true that you came up with this idea to bring back all these cast members? Yeah, it was, um, I know it must be a very difficult thing to talk about because he was such a beautiful friend to you, such an incredible artist, beloved by so many, and it came in such a shocking and terrible way. I don't mean to have to talk about it. No, no, no, no, no, I'm good. It was shortly after the tragedy and we had spent the night before together and talking about our careers together. I met him when I was a guest on All in the Family playing his best friend in 1975. It was a good year for me. It was shortly after I appeared here and we just kept it going all of these years. And the night before it was Conan's Christmas party, we were talking about the movie business and how it's changed and how people don't go to theaters like they used to. And we talked about the fact that you can't control how a movie is going to do. What you can control is the experience of making it and the experiences that we had together and that he had with his cast of his other movies was so extraordinary that that's, he said, that's something you always have. Hits are great to have, but it's the people that you hold on to. And so I kept that in my heart and I called Conan shortly after and I said, I have an idea for a tribute to them. Because Conan was hosting? Yes. And I said, you know, we just talked about specifically also his first seven movies were incredibly different and so great. Spinal Taps, Sure Thing, Princess Bride. Harry and Sally, Misery, A Few Good Men, American Present and Stand By Me, Amazing Movie. And I said, if I can get the cast of those movies together to walk out with me, that would have made him really smile. So I got in touch with all of them. The Academy was great in getting them, most of them there. And Fred Savage, who played the boy in The Princess Bride, had never met anybody because he shot his scenes with Peter Faulk in Los Angeles and we were all in London making The Princess Bride. So they got to meet for the first time. And then of course, Meg there and my other wife, Carol Kane from The Princess Bride. So we were able to hold hands and walk out there, in tribute with a beautiful picture of Rob and Michelle because they were our closest friends. It was a beautiful moment. And what did he mean to you personally as a friend? Tell us about Rob Reiner because we all know him from his performances and from his directing. But what was he like as a friend? Hilarious, devoted, opinionated, in the best way, fighting for the truth for our country. Lucky enough to have him on a couple of times and have wonderful conversations. And the greatest comedy taste, we could talk about everything. He was an uncle to my kids. And you know, there's so many moments that I just, when something good happens, or isn't that crazy? I want to pick up the phone and call and say, did you see it? Because that's what we would do. In Harry and Sally, there's a lot of moments that Meg and I are really Rob and I. He was going through tough divorce from Penny Marshalls at the time. And we were on the phone constantly. And there were moments of we'd be watching a movie together, like Casablanca, and we would go back and forth. And we were watching, remember, Arena Football? And we were going back and forth. And he says, what about Arena Yachting? Maybe there's Arena Yachting. And we would go back and forth. And so that's in the movie. And that scene with Harry and Sally. So all of that stuff was in there. And it's a profound loss for, I'm just going to say, humanity, because he was the most human person that I ever met. We have to take another break here. For more Billy Crystal, everybody. Salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops. And neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now on the Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Not to dwell on loss too much, but you've experienced more than one loss over the last time you're here. Last time you're here was in December of 24. And about a month later, the fire started in LA and your new wife, Janice, lost your home of 45 years. It's been a s*** here. Yes. Well, what's, I mean, I know that there's some, how's recovery going out there? And how are you guys personally? It's been the most horrendous of times. And in the middle of that, all of these other tragedies, I lost other friends. And I said to Janice, we should change our name to Mr. and Mrs. Job. Because it's just, it's been so profound. But with the love of each other, we're married almost 56 years and our amazing kids, nicely done. You get through it and you find ways and we're, you know, starting plans to rebuild. We were there 46 years. I have to say the ballroom is going to be fantastic. Got it. It got to happen. And because I hold this place so dear, I'm going to show you something at an ounce of the audience, a new project that I'm coming back to Broadway and a new one person show here. You can do that. It's a new show. It's called 860, which was our address. And the show really takes place in the house that was. And it's all the funny stories and touching stories that have happened to us in that time. It's going to be here in the fall. You know, 700 Sundays was the joy of my life to do. And that was about growing up in a house in Long Beach. And that address was 549. And my daughter, Jenny, said an interesting thing. That show was all about losing my parents over time. And that thing where we all become orphans in your life and rising forward. Because the gifts that they give you when you're young serve you well throughout your life. But all the dreams I had in 549 of being a comedian come true in 860. So the show is and what's interesting about the show is I've developed, I started really writing it the morning of the fires. We woke up to the sound of helicopters and planes flying low of what's going on at Turner TV. And it said fire in the place called the Highlands, which was about five, six miles from us. And I ran outside and took my phone and started filming the planes coming overhead. And then I just kept filming everything during the whole course of the horrible situations that we were in. And then visiting the house that's not there anymore, nothing's there anymore. I documented everything. And then I started writing. And the play invites the audience into 860, but also into what we went through. And so when I'm walking on stage holding this phone up to the visuals that you're going to see, I shot them on the location of the actual house. So it's really fascinating in that way, I think. And I need to do it. I was about to say, does the Creative Act actually help you deal with the grief of that loss? Yeah, it's how I've always dealt with stuff. I mean, we both had unfair things happen to us as young people. And it's your faith. If it's your loved ones, if it's survivors that help you get through it, that's a magnificent thing and a real lesson in life. And 860, I can't wait to invite people into the house every night and share these stories with them. Here's to it. Wow, how's that treating you? You know, when I, I'm a little looped. You're a, you're a cheap date. Yeah, no, I know. But when I get that, I'm gonna have to learn. When I get that way, I gotta, I have to sing. So, so folks, 51 years ago, I stood on the smart probably like there or here on Saturday Night Live with Howard Coasell. And I made my network debut and everything started here. So to finish my appearances on this wonderful show here on this spot where I started really in television means a lot to me. So here is my favorite singer. This is a song called The We Small Hours of the Morning. In the wee small hours of the morning when the whole wide world is just a mess will I awake and think about Colbert and wonder what the f*** was CBS and when we look in vain to find the late show for our nightly laugh to break the fall when we need a joke to just keep going that's the time we'll miss him most of all I'm fairly crystal everybody thank you for listening to the late show pod show with Steve and Colbert just one more thing if you want to see more of me come to the late show youtube channel for more clips and exclusives when beloved family patriarch Gary Ferris went missing his family looked everywhere on their property until they came across something horrifying it's a homicide absolutely the blame game in this family went round and round this is bloodest thicker the ferris wheel I would don't see how anyone can look at this story and think they were happy binge the full series bloodest thicker the ferris wheel on the free odyssey app or wherever you get your podcast
