Phoebe Robinson + Tom Arnold (Carolla Classics)

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And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us, classics at adamcarolla.com. All right, let's get to the clips. Coming up first, we have Adam Carolla Show, 1885, Tom Arnold from 2016. Yeah, get it on, got to get on. No choice to get on, mandate. Get is on, and welcome to the program. Tom Arnold. Amen. Here, one-on-one. Okay. Love Tom Arnold. He's got himself a podcast called 100% Honest, pretty much. I was thinking about Tom and thought, oh, I always look forward to interviewing Tom Arnold because he's funny, but he's so forthright. He's such a crazy open book. And I don't know if that's something that's always been part of your life or is now part of sobriety or whatever. I think when you start and then you're famous, particularly in my case for being with a famous person, there's a lot of jokes at your expense, and you're like, oh, I want to make those jokes before the other guys do, or I want to tell the stories first. And then it's such a crazy relationship that there's a lot of crazy stories, and I thought, I'm going to set the bar high. I'm going to tell the crazy stories about myself. I'm going to, no one's going to have anything to hold over my head. I'm going to talk about being arrested and all this stuff. And then you realize, I have to continue this. Who, at the height of the craziness. Yes. Who was crazier, you or Roseanne? Well, I think I was crazier like a man crazy. Like we, you know, I was a husband. So where I come from, when you're the husband, you're like, if your wife says, get him, honey. Right. You just get up. I mean, you don't, there's no, you just, you know. Yeah, I mean, you guys, I mean, it's crazy because in a weird way, it's like when the guy from the inner city who never met his dad gets awarded a $50 million contract at age 19. Right. And they send him to New York like Daryl Strawberry or Doc Wood to go. And you're like, how did this go wrong? And it's like when you take a couple of bumpkins. Right. Which we were. You and Roseanne. We were completely. I mean, you were bumpkin. Yes, completely. I mean, I'm an erudite. I'm from North Hollywood. Right. You know what I mean? But you guys were bumpkin. Right. You come to Hollywood, the next thing you know, someone throws you the keys to the city. Yes. And a limited checking account. How was that, just like Strawberry and Gooden, how is that not going to go wrong? First of all, I think you watched that documentary. I did. I enjoyed it. Okay, here's the deal. I didn't know what I was doing. the fact that I became a stand-up comedian is completely crazy, and I wouldn't do it again, but thank God I was a crazy person. I'd worked for three years at a meatpacking plant to save money to go to college. I'd sacrificed so much, and the second I got offered a little job in a stand-up club, I packed myself in a trash bag and quit. That seemed better than working for my uncle at a big brokerage firm. You were at Hormel, right? Yeah, yeah. But I had a job lined up. I had a career. And immediately, I just said, screw that. I want to be on TV one time so people like me. We're going to go all over the place. But I have to say this. It's interesting because with Roseanne, I'm learning to be a writer because I'm writing jokes for her. So I was sort of forced to do that. The fact that I didn't think I was funny. She thought I was funny. and as you know, there's nothing sexier than a woman that you know is funny thinking that you're funny. So you're like, oh my God, it's on. I remember she was in Atlantic City one time and they had the Miss World contest or whatever and she did her act, she was performing in week two wearing just a sash and a bikini. Now picture that. There's a lot of guys in Atlantic City that were like, that's disgusting. But I was like, that is the bravest shit ever. Plus, I'm from Iowa, so all the women look like that. But I thought, she's got balls. Yeah, she does. But how much of it was balls and then how much of it was pushing back against her past? Well, a part of it. But let me tell you, when I came into the show, first of all, she promised I could be the husband. That's a bumpkin thing to do. I didn't know how to act. And then I get in there, and they go through the formality of an audition, which I didn't even know how to do. And I see John Goodman, and he's a real actor, and he's amazing. Right. And I was like, yeah, I think I should be a writer. Right. I'll just write. So I was like her, you know, I was very naive. I thought, well, I'll just blend in with the guys and write. And the fact that I was her friend in 1988, man, in the writer's room, they were, you know, that was, you know, I was ostracized. I was like, I came up with an idea. They're like, that's a great idea. Go home and write it. They didn't want me being around to report back. But I said, listen, I get it. I worked in a factory. You can say shit about my friend, the boss, all you want. I'm not going to repeat it. That's just, you know, etiquette from working in a factory. You know, everybody gets to bitch about the boss. Right. I'm not going to repeat it. Now, the thing I knew was that they had fucked her over. She did not get created by her on her own show. So from day one, she was pissed, and she was pissed every day since. So I knew that, and I didn't know how to finesse the Hollywood way, but I did know I was a bouncer before, so I had a little experience in that. So when she had a problem with something, I would go up to the main office with these big-time people, and I would just say, listen, at the end of the day, it's her show. She wins. What she wants wins. And, you know, if you don't like it, I'm going to kick your fucking asses. You were like kind of a white Shug Knight. Right. You were like a sweet and low knight. But, again, I was learning a way to finesse things differently. But at that time, I did not have a way. What if, let's just say we could take Tom Arnold's 56-year-old sober brain. 57, yeah. That's shit. That round down. sober brain and put it back into crazy 28-year-old Tom Arnold's head. How would that, would you have been able, but now, would you be able to steer Roseanne with your same brain? You know, I got sober right before we got married. Okay. Forget about the sober part, but let's just say therapy and whatever. You know, it was weird because part of getting sober was clearing out the, you know, dealing with all the stuff that you buried and being raped as a child and locked in a box. And, you know, the shit that I went through by this neighbor that was a Nazi, you know, all this violence. And, you know, I dealt with that. And I dealt with it by tracking the fucker down. and it's a great story. It's stupendous. But in my mind, it was the beginning, middle, and end done. That way the fucker couldn't be at Walmart and go, hey, see that famous guy? I fucked him. I wanted to get the jump on him. Well, let's talk about done because there's, you know, you have the guys I know who are addicts or former addicts, sober guys. We're always addicts, yeah. Well, what I mean is they stop drinking, they stop doing whatever it is they're doing, and then they start tapping the foot or drinking too much coffee or too much. Right, of course they do. You know what I mean? Of course they do. It's almost an energy. It's a weird thing. I've noticed it, again, because I've grown up around a few of these guys. My family, they don't have that energy. Right. My wife doesn't have that energy. Right. I have a buddy, Chris, who has that energy. Yes. He puts tap in. He's going for a cup of coffee. He's lighting a cigarette. It's just a motor. It's an energy kind of motor that you have. Yes. And you can steer it toward the light. Right. But it's almost there. It's a sort of addict's energy. And I don't know what that is or how to harness it or what Dr. Drew would call it. But how would you describe it? Because you're that guy who you can be sober, but you'll smoke a Cuban cigar in eight seconds. And then it'll stop 20. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's why you quit that. Right. But what is that energy, and how do we turn that metronome down? Well, there's two things. Or do we want to? Well, you want to be able to use it. You want to be able to access it. Right. So guys that get completely healthy, you know, I've never been that. I want to be able to access it when I need it, even the dark stuff. I want to be able to at least go there when I'm riding or when I'm, you know, I want to go to that place. Guys that are completely healthy lose all. They don't. Let's say you got into a fight. You wouldn't get into a fight. Right. You know, I always think of fights like the three levels. They're the pushing, the whatever, the whatever. And then there's the, okay, we're going to go back behind the Union Hall, and we're going to have a regulated fist fight. And then there's the level three, which is for your life where all rules are off. Right. And you very seldom get the opportunity to go to level three. So you live your life looking for that opportunity to try all these things in your head that you've been thinking about. And, again, if you work at a meatpacking plant, you know some just horrible, disgusting things to do to a physical body that other people wouldn't know. And you can't try that on a human unless they threaten to kill you. Right. Or you feel threatened in death or they threaten to kill your family. We're taking a turn for the macabre. No, no, no. But I just mean, I think that there's two things. Dr. Drill will say this. There's being an addict, and then there's suffering a trauma as a kid. And it could be the kids at my heart camp that all of a sudden had to have a heart transplant. They've gone through this certain trauma, and that's sort of always with them. Mine was sexual abuse. And I equate all these weird traumas to things that are with you, and you can deal with them in a certain way. But it's always in the back of your head. Now, all trauma victims don't become addicts and vice versa, but sometimes you're doubles and you learn to – and the Roseanne show is a perfect example. Now, she – it just grew with her. Her trauma stuff just exploded, expanded. Right. Well, I'll tell you what. And by the way, Tom's doing some live dates, I should throw out there. Comedy Zone, Jacksonville, Florida. That's September 8th through the 11th. And Hilarity's in Cleveland. That's the 15th, September, through the 18th. And what you can do is go to TomArnoldComedy.com because Tom Arnold's on the road. Tom Arnold's playing live dates. There's a bunch of stuff, yeah. There's a bunch of stuff. So go to TomArnoldComedy.com. I want to hit a plug here for a second, but I want you to tease it. I want to know what Roseanne's trauma was specifically, and then your trauma, which I do know more about, but maybe the audience doesn't know about. Right. I'd like to visit both the trauma crime scenes. But first, I'd like to tell you about LifeLock. Ah, common thieves. They steal your smartphones. Identity thieves take over your mobile accounts, and they cash in on your data, and they buy phones, and they sell them that way. You know, I always said this, Tom, thieves, criminals, they're essentially lazy. Right. They don't want to go to hilarities in Cleveland and do a Thursday show, two Friday, two Saturday, and a Sunday show and maybe do a little morning radio when the club owner picks them up at 530 in front of the hotel. That's work, man. These guys want to make, I would have said they would, they don't want to have to go break in your house and steal your stereo, but that's where your stereo is. identity thieves, they don't have to leave the house. Right. They're so late. They don't want to have to climb to the second floor. No, it's not a second story, man. They don't have to go up the lattice. When I sold stuff, it was hard. That's right. They sit home in their mom's basement, work with their bunny slippers. Look, it's LifeLock. No one can prevent all identity theft or minor, all transactions at all businesses. But with LifeLock, you've got the best out there. And it starts at just $9.99 a month. And so everything I get is online, and it's just $9.99 a month. Look, the cost of doing business these days, you've got car insurance, good. You've got a car, fine. That's fantastic. Now you're shopping online. You need LifeLock. LifeLock, Dawson. Go to LifeLock.com or call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code ADAM. That's ADAM for 10% off your LifeLock Ultimate Plus membership. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK, 1-800-LIFELOCK. All right, so Tom Arnold, let's talk trauma. I know yours. Maybe we should start with Roseanne's. I know a little bit of hers. That lifelog thing is a great thing, by the way. If your brain is not, you know, somebody like me that's had issues, you just need it. Just do it. Just do it. Yeah, because you're going to get even your own negligence. You're going to need it. So done. All right. So Roseanne. Yeah. She grows up where and how? She grew up, I think, in Utah. She was raised a Mormon. she was Jewish but raised a Mormon she was 17 when she got pregnant she gave the baby up for adoption this is something I did not fight about until much later we'd known each other for many years and I found out about it with the National Enquirer and Anthony Pelicano a private eye had threatened her that they were going to reveal it if she did not cooperate on any story. They were going to reveal the birth parents and where this girl ended up, and they had already spoken to the girl, and they had already ruined that. And her thing was she left a note that when the girl turned 18, if she wanted to meet her biological mother, she could. If she didn't, no problem. And so she – and they told the girl, hey, your biological mother is a famous Jewish woman. and she was like, oh, my God, my biological mother is Barbara Streisand. And she was so excited. And then it turned out it was Roseanne, yeah, because the girl wanted to be a singer. But, you know, there was a lot about Roseanne's life I learned from her books. And she was a fantastic writer, and she had an interesting life. And then after I, you know. Well, where does the abuse come out? Well, I sort of matter-of-factly came out, you know, my way of dealing with abuse is let's get on it, let's deal with it, and let's move on, so that every time you hear about abuse, it doesn't take you in a rabbit hole. Right. And a lot of that is helping other abuse survivors. You know, you see these people, even in the movie Spotlight, which is a beautiful movie about, which is a great movie, about the Catholic Church. You see the victims, the leaders of these victim groups that are just so damaged, and it makes me so angry. And I see a lot of women comics that every time there's a story in the news, I see, I feel just on Facebook and Twitter that they are also letting that affect them, even though what happened to them happened 20 years ago. And I get angry, and I tell them I'm going to protect them. You know, like, the guy hurt us. Let's not give him any more stuff. Well, the thing I've always said from doing Loveline for a million years is, you know, other forms of crime affect you that day and, you know, outside of murder, you know, stealing your car, breaking into your house. There's some psychological baggage attached to that, but it doesn't affect you 40 years later. Right. It doesn't affect you and how you relate to your kids or the world around you. Right. And oftentimes, it creates another abuser. Right. So now, if there was a crime where somebody broke into my house and stole my TV, and then my son and me turned into guys who stole TV because of that, that's a heinous crime. Right, right, right. And this is the problem. I always said it's like molestation is the gift it keeps giving. Right. It just never stops. It's like suicide. And that's why, to me, it is a form of murder because you're murdering the child. Right. True. It is true. Childhood is dead. And that's also something that Tom Arnold at 56 or 57 left the IMDb. Yeah. But still carries around today. Yes. Some 50 years later or 48 years later. Yeah, yeah. I have a three-year-old son. The moment my son was born, other things came back. Like, you know, my thing is I'm pretty good at blocking stuff. And moving on is my main thing is, you know, people I have been married four times, and I remember the good things. You know, if I sat and remembered just the bad things or the bad things and the good things, I would be, you know, in a funk because I've made so many mistakes and people have sat and done things that are just unbelievable. Well, let me ask this. I could have been molested as a youth because I had super low self-esteem because of my family structure and situation. I could have been a victim quite easily. That's a good setup. I laugh in a bizarre way when I think about someone trying to molest my 10-year-old daughter because she would punch them. Right. And then she would run right back home and yell, start screaming at mommy, start pointing at somebody, and you could never get away with it. Right. Just because she's so vibrant, she's so full of self-esteem. You say that. All right, I say that. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. But I'm saying. But Bill Cosby drugs her drink. Oh, well, that's later on when she's trying to break into show business. And Daddy can't do anything for her. But what I'm saying is at this stage, as a young person. Yes, it wasn't even talked about. You would have an impossible time doing this to my daughter because she is so full of self-esteem and such a firecracker that she would punch the person in the genitals and then she'd tell everyone around her. Right. So something in the Arnold household had to be, and part of it's a societal thing. It's like a Sandusky thing. People don't talk about this. It was a point in time and a point in the country, in the middle of the country and all that. But also, was there something going on in your childhood? I had no mother. I was raised without a mother. And what limited years my mother spent with us, she hired us, gave us out to babysit random. Where was mom? She was an alcoholic. She was out partying. She left when I was three. But she put us with a guy that lived across the street, a single guy, 19-year-old guy, that was just a creepy, you know, no. And then she didn't even tell my dad. She sent us to his house. He's alone. And sent me to his house. And it turned out later I found out a lot of other kids in the neighborhood were also. But they don't talk about it. And it was a gay thing, they thought. And they're ashamed of it. So when I came forward, it was hard to. I didn't need them. But I wanted to let them know that I had their back. Well, the stigma, there's enough stigma, or there was enough to go around with a female being molested. Right. Now, with a guy, with a male, even if you're eight years old being molested, now you start weaving in this whole gay narrative. Right. And so you have the molestation and the homosexuality thing, which is sort of double shame for whoever the married guy is with the three kids. Right. Now age 47. You know what I'm saying? Yes. So that had to just be brutal for you. Right. It was, you know, it was so confusing at the time. And I remember, and it was violent. And, you know, and I think it had to be for it to be, you know, I was a pretty big kid. He, you know, he had a whole system. And he sort of lured me, and he was nice to me. He gave me a big candy bar. I don't mean a little candy bar, like a regular candy bar, like a big candy bar. And I've always felt like I could be bought that way. So, you know, he was nice to me. But then it became, you know, his parents would leave. And he actually had a room behind a door. I picture it. You know, I've since had the house destroyed. You had it destroyed. Oh, yeah. How did you do that? But I just did it. You bought it and had it? Yeah, the whole block. So there's like a full, like a Forrest Gump. Yeah, there's nothing there where that used to be. But he got me in there. Why do you think you, the first time it happened, why do you think you're unable to communicate it with your mother or father? Oh, I didn't have any with my mother. First of all, I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what sex was. First time there was touching, I had, you know, I didn't. I knew his body was different than mine. I didn't know what was sex. I didn't know, you know, he forced my hand. I was like, why would he want me to do this? And then it rapidly progressed. You know, and I knew my mother was, who knows where she was. I knew my father was working somewhere. But you didn't feel protected by that. Right. Oh, no, no. And I also wasn't sure that this wasn't how things would go. You know, I was alone, and I felt pretty lonely in my life. And as he progressed, as I got a little wiser, as he got more violent or more threatening, he made it clear that he would, he lived at his house. What did he threaten you with? Well, his house was right above, looked out on our house. And he brought out his gun. And as my father would pull up every day at the same time, he would aim his rifle at my father and say, you know, I can blow his head off from here. I just want you to know. And I will if you ever tell anything that happens here. And he knew my father was all I had. Right. So, you know, and he aimed the gun at me many times. But there was a certain point where I'm like, fuck you. And this is a four-year-old kid. Four? Yeah, shoot me. Fuck you. shoot me, you know, but then he knew my father, now, you know, I got to figure this out, you know, because he's going to, you know, kill the fire. What do you think his parents' involvement was in this whole thing? I mean... They're very religious. They're creepy. They're stupid. They're, you know, he ends up being the biggest church leader in the area, you know. He ends up adopting only boys. He ends up being a respected businessman, millionaire, successful, you know, until the day that I confronted him. You know, his parents, they have to know that something's weird about this guy. Well, not only do they have to know, but it's sort of like this creep who's showing up at the Hillary Clinton rally, whose son just gets done butchering 49 people at a nightclub, and then you just show up and you're happily doing interviews. And it's like, first off, look, nature or nurture, buddy, it's either your seed or your ideals that created this monster. I'm not letting you off the hook that easy. It's not like your son had a few drinks at the Christmas party and there's a DUI and a manslaughter situation. This is your son went in and slaughtered a bunch of innocent people. And also, in terms of this country, and, you know, people talk about how dripping with hatred we are. Any other country, this guy would be dead. Right. There's no way the dad walks around with impunity. Hey, let's get a photo op. Hey, let me do an interview. If we did the equivalent of this in your home country, you'd be dead inside. These are countries where you mistakenly kick a soccer goal for the other team, you get snuffed out. This, the idea that he's able to walk around without a flak jacket and out of security detail and just give interviews willy-nilly and nobody even threatens him, says so much about this country. It's like John Hinkley's parents who were Republicans, big supporters, and Reagan came to their defense. It's insane. You know, it is leave them alone. But see, to me, the parents are never off the hook. No, they're definitely not off the hook. As a father of twins, if those kids went and did something heinous, I would not remove myself from the equation. I would internalize it. And as the parents of this monster, I just wonder what they were doing to this kid. because the only relief or solace or whatever it is you should have for these monsters is usually at some point they were a five-year-old being molested, and that's oftentimes what created the monster. I don't know if you've ever found out anything about him, his past. Well, I know that he did it to his old brother. He did it to his brother. Yes, absolutely. It tells me something inside that house was exquisitely wrong. All right, I'll tell you what. I want to hear you going and confronting this guy. Because it's a story I haven't heard in 10 years, but I love it. But first, a little bit of business. True car, baby. Getting a new car, getting a used car. Tom lost his key to his car. And you can't start the car without a key. It's one of those weird things. The key fob thing. It knows when you're near the car. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of these, it is a weird modern day, like, first world problem. I was talking on the phone to someone the other day, and I was getting some stuff out of my car, and it switched over to the car, and then I started to walk away, and I realized he was now strapped in the car having a conversation with my seat. I was walking down the driveway. First world problems. Look, you want a new car, you want a used car. They have 500,000 pre-owned vehicles. You can go to True Car. They have certified dealers. They're all over the place, like 11,000 certified dealers. You go online. You go to TrueCar.com. You find out exactly what people are paying for the car that you want, apples to apples, and lock in your price. Go pick up your car. Chris did it over here. You do it over there. Go to TrueCar.com. Download the TrueCar app. TrueCar.com, and let's download that app. All right. My business manager, I said, what is the one stupidest thing that we do that we don't have to do? And he said, buy brand new cars. It is so stupid. You cannot tell. It is so expensive. It doesn't make any sense. I tell everyone, get a car that's two years old or three years old, got turned in for a lease. They're good for a jillion miles these days. And save yourself some money. Lock in that price. Or if you want to get a new car, go get a new car. Go to True Car. Go back to that. All right. So, Tom, tell us that story of you heading back to your hometown to out this guy. Right. So get out in 89, go to rehab, make a list of the people that I have hurt, which was quite a significant list of people I've lied to, the people I've taken advantage of, the credits I've ruined, try to make amends to those people, you know, financially, other ways. And then I have to look at the people that have perhaps hurt me. And, man, when I was sober, it just, it was always there that I knew exactly what happened to me when I was a kid. Right. But I compare it to laying out in the sun and seeing clouds. and there's a bunch of clouds that are interesting and then the second you're sober, they form exactly the story. They're always there, but you don't really take a good look at it. Now you have glasses on, you see exactly the story, exactly the situation, exactly every moment of him getting me in his house, getting me the escalation eventually into a box, you know, his collection of Nazi memorabilia, which was another way that I know his parents knew, you know, I'm Jewish, by the way, but it was another way that I know his parents were aware. And another thing is you don't have a special room in your house that the father, who is a handyman, does not know about. So they knew the special kid-sized room where you had to lay on your back and there was chain and whatever. It sounds like, you know, and it was a half-ass. It wasn't like a movie-perfect thing. It was just like a sort of a threatening, stupid thing. Did you have, yeah, a handyman can pop the pins on the hinge and pop the door right off. It's like a bench that you sit on in the entryway where you hang your coats above it, but once you pulled that back, you know, that was the area that he would lock me in. I've always been a little claustrophobic since then. Oh, rightfully so. Yeah. But you must have had some thoughts at some point now that you have millions. And, I mean, just had some thoughts about just snuffing this guy. Well, I had thoughts about just beating the fuck out of him. But have you ever had any thoughts? I'm not trying to get you in trouble. No. But have you ever had any thoughts about just paying somebody to know it? No, I would never pay somebody. I would do it. I would, you know, we had a, you know, if you grew up in a small town, there is a justice. You know, it could be anything from a man that's in the works of livestock that really enjoys hurting animals. Like, gets extra joy out of shoving the electric prod of a hog's ass. Like, you can tell there's some sick fucking dudes. Like, farmers love animals. I know it doesn't make sense because they raise them and then eventually they slaughter them. But there's these fuckers that are just sick. And we get rid of them. Now, that doesn't mean we kill them. That means we make sure they don't work at the plant anymore. But there's some sick fucking people there. And if they're abusing animals and killing animals and doing weird shit animals, I mean, how far is it to do it to a human? So you never thought about, with all your millions of dollars, paying someone to take this guy out? No, no, no, because that would mean I'm afraid of him. That's not, I'm not afraid of him. But by exposing him, it was taking him out in my mind. Right. You know, because the average molester does between 300 and 500 victims. And, boy, was this guy just a perfect, once I started doing my research, this guy was so fucking perfect. First of all, you know, I want to change the laws, and they have changed laws since. That's something I do with my celebrity. that there's not a statute of limitations. You know, I went to the... Now, why should there be? Because you're molesting a five-year-old and the person gets into therapy when they're 35, you know? Exactly. You know, so... Of all things, right. Yeah. So, you know, the Atom Police Department, where I'm from, was on my side. The feds were on my side. The Iowa Department of Criminal Investigation. Everybody, the Iowa Patrol, everybody's on my side. They want to help me out. You know, once I get, and I'll tell you what really spurred it on. I talked about it on Oprah, and I said, I'm not going to say the guy's name, but let's just call him Terry Williams. I said right in the camera, hoping he would sue me, which would open up the floodgates. Right. And then I would fucking, okay. Now, what it did was, I went to my sister's drug trial the next week. And she ended up doing 20 years. She was in Iowa then and then did a couple federal trials. If you read the book Meth Land, it was a lot about her. She was the biggest meth fan. Did anyone tap you guys on the shoulder at any time and go, you understand you're Jewish? I don't know what the fuck you're doing working at the Hormel plant. She's stealing meth. You're Jews. Knock it off. If you're a small town, there's not a lot of options. That's no excuse, okay? By the way, I will say this. As an addict, until I got sober, having a sister that would come over on holidays with a purse, a giant purse, and inside that purse was every drug you ever dreamed of, and it's all good, and it's all free, you know, there was no complaining. Is she, let me backtrack for a second. Is she in prison now? No, she's out. She had two federal mandatory minimum tenures, and then she's out. She's doing very well. She's out in Phoenix selling timeshares. Are there brothers and sisters? Yeah, there's seven of us. I'm the oldest. Can you run down who's alive and what they're doing? Yeah, they're all alive. They're all alive. I have yesterday my sister-in-law killed herself. What? Yeah, it was crazy. Like she was, boy, I was really surprised because she was so nice. My brother's wife, very nice. They were married? Still married? Yeah, yeah. She was about to become a grandmother next week, and she had some kind of physical ailment that appeared. I think it gets worse, but it wasn't, you know, ALS or it wasn't, you know, whatever. And she went into, they do very well financially. She went into her trailer and drank poison, which is the most painful way to die. And it was just shocking because she's such a good, you know, funny, nice. She's rich and religious and has a small family. Yes, yes. And. It was shocking. Was diagnosed with some something. Yes, she had this thing and she had to wear a brace on her foot. But that was it, you know. And she, it's shocking, you know. How's your brother doing? Well, you know, he's in shock. You know, he's got nine car washes and lube cakes. And, you know, he's, you know, I'm, you know. So are you in touch with everyone? Are you good with everyone? I am. No, but I am with that. In May, my nephew committed suicide with a gun. And, you know, I work with the Brady Foundation trying to pass some common sense gun legislation. Not, I am a gun owner. I support the Second Amendment, but we would like to have background checks for everybody, and we'd like people with mental illness to not own guns until they're treated. My nephew was in the Army. He attempted suicide. He was a beautiful boy. He was 24, a beautiful kid. He attempted suicide. He kicked him out. They deemed him unsafe around weapons. weapons. The next day, he got a concealed weapons permit for the state of Iowa and five guns. I was nervous about it. He was chronically depressed. He would not get treatment. I talked to his dad about it. His dad didn't think it was a big deal. People in Iowa think guns are like they're God given. Not everybody's Jewish in my family. Some are right wing. Okay. Okay. The other part of it is him probably not acknowledging his depression. Well, yeah. Here's the thing. He had five loaded guns next to his bed at night, which would be like me having a nightstand made of chocolate cake and drawers full of cocaine. Now, I will do great for a while, but someday someone says something that hurts my feelings, and I won't do great that night. And that's such a temptation. Yeah, I agree. And so I've always said, I think cops, you know, they go high suicide rate. They have a very high. And I go, but you know what I said? If I had a gun strapped to me all day, every day, 24-7, I would have killed myself five times by now. For sure. I think they kill themselves. Yeah. It's a stressful job. But they have a suicide machine that's attached to their hip that they can always reach over and grab. And, yes, I agree with you. You're sober, but you don't have a bowl of cocaine on your nightstand. And if you did, you couldn't walk past it that many times. It'd be trouble. And, you know, the thing is, 10 vets a day commit suicide right now. And, you know, that means we create 10 new Gold Star families every day. People don't like to talk about it. Our politicians love to say boots on the ground because they like to talk about boots. They don't want to equate that to the humans that are in there, or they sure don't want you to see wounded warriors. They sure don't want you to see the caskets. I feel like we could do 20 minutes on 2,000 subjects. I want to do this. I want to take a quick break. And then when we come back, I want to focus. And that's part of my problem, too. By the way, my family's mad at me for trying to help. Let me just give you 10 seconds. Last fall, I find out on Facebook, he has joined a neo-Nazi group. He is a gun. He's showing off his guns. He's whatever. The guy killed himself. Yes. He's not a neo-Nazi. Whatever. I asked my one cool brother, my gay brother Chris, give me his address. I'm flying down to Arizona to take his guns because nobody else is going to do it. I would have been the one arrested for a felony with the laws the way they are. Since there are no cops, of course I wouldn't. My brother chipped him off. He hit the guns. Anyway, February 2nd, he goes, he has a little argument with his girlfriend. Everything's fine, except for he takes the gun, blows his head off. He's 24 years old. Are you talking to your brother? My brother is furious with me. The one brother, of course, is right. My whole family is furious at me. Shouldn't he be furious at himself? Well, I hope he doesn't get there. I hope he doesn't. They think of guns as, you know, they keep saying he was going to do it eventually. I try to explain. Guns are immediate. There's 44,000 suicides last year, 22,000 by guns. But there's a million suicide attempts. By guns, there were 22,100 suicide attempts. 22,000 were successful. Yeah. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll come back with Tom Arnold, and then Tom will explain the whole going back and his pastor's hometown and bringing justice to this successful person. And again, I'm a gun owner. I believe in the sake of bed, but just like everybody else. All right, right back. All right, back with Tom Arnold. So, Tom. Yeah. I don't like that. Sorry. So much going on with Tom Arnold. So you get sober. You have this thought. I'm coming back to my hometown, and I'm going to let people know the truth about this guy. Yeah, I'm going to find him. I need to find him and confront him before, honestly, he sees me at the mall, and he brags to a friend that he basically fucked Tom Arnold. That's honestly what went through my head. I want to get ahead of the deal. Right, because you're in the spotlight. Yes, yes. Where's Roseanne coming down on this? She agrees with me, and she's proud of me. She agrees with me 100%. That's admirable because I do feel like a lot of people in the public eye who are making a lot of money and already embroiled in one controversy or another would have said, just lay low, man. Let's just hammer some checks and not deal with this right now. She loved me to be in fights. She liked it. So even though this is the right truth. But I will say this. It spurred her to start thinking about her past, and she started talking about her abuse after that. So you went back to your hometown. My brother got a private eye, found out he had moved to Des Moines. He was now a big business owner. He was head of his church, and he had only adopted boys and was about to adopt his fourth boy. Wow. And the fact that I'd seen his sister-in-law at my sister's trial, and she said, oh, by the way, Terry did the same thing to his own brother, my husband, Dennis. I thought that was a sign to act quickly. The adoption coming was assigned. How old is he at this time? He at this time was about 40-something, and I was 30. Let's say that I'm 35 and he's 50. Let's say he's 54. All right, so he's successful. He's got a family. He's in the church. He's a pillar of the community. He's a businessman. Yes. And by the way, in that community, I think here you don't really stand out. You definitely stand out there There if you making a good living and people know who you are Yes Okay so people knew who the guy was Oh yes So you then do what I get a plane I go to where he works. I plan it out. This is after I talk to law enforcement. They can help me none. I call Roseanne. I'm actually kind of nervous. I walk into his big building, a big reception area. I say, where is Terry Williams' office? And so the lady's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm going to tell him you're here. You know, because everybody in Iowa knows me. Right. And I go, no, no, no. I'm going to surprise him. Right. And she said, okay. But as I'm walking down the hall to his office, he comes out. Like, he sensed that I was there. It was weird. And so as I see him walking towards me, I'm walking towards him, and I realize, you know, it's been a long time, but I start my spiel that I worked on with my therapist so I don't, you know, end up back in jail. Right. I want to give you back the pain and shame me because he was a kid. If he tried to do that to me now, I'd break your fucking neck. And as he gets closer, I realize, you know, it was, it reminds me of how violent it really was. And he's a big guy. And he walks right up on me. And it puts his finger in my chest. And he says, your memories are wrong, which to me means he's been confronted before. because that's sort of a statement you would make to somebody, you know, in a therapy session. Well, so he preemptively says your memories are wrong. Right, which, of course, is an admission of healing because if you're just an old guy from the neighborhood coming by to say hi, then you would never preemptively say that, which probably means he was confronted by other people, as you say, but possibly that he had you on his radar. Right. And that he'd just been thinking about Tom Arnold and probably haunted. No, I've always, not that it's one-tenth of this, but I've always said, you know, my dad's a pussy and my mom's lazy and all this shit. And it's funny because people go like, talk shit about your own family. And I said, they made a calculated choice, which is I'm going to ignore and slash abuse this kid. And there's a very good chance the kid will just end up on a construction site and die there. But there's a 1% chance the kid will be a nationally syndicated radio show host, in which case he'll lean into a microphone and call his dad a pussy. That's what happens. There's a 1% chance when you molest somebody, you get Tom Arnold. Mostly, you get just people that commit suicide when they're 25. I think it's even less than 1%. I'd say it's probably less. It's probably less. But you've defied the odds, and now it's your worst nightmare as a victimizer. Because like I said, everyone else just commits suicide or molests other people, doesn't want to talk about it, or goes in some sort of shame spiral, or becomes a junkie in ODs. Your worst case scenario is this guy goes to Hollywood, he gets sober, he gets famous, He gets rich, and now he's coming back. Right. And so, but when he puts his finger in my chest. He must have had his eye on you. Yeah, he definitely did. And he puts his finger in my chest. And even though I'm a big guy, 6'2", I'm fucking, you know, jacked up at the time. It scared, like, for a second, I felt like that four-year-old fucking kid. I tell you what, he scared me. I smelled the room. Like, I was back there. Right. I went right back there. Smelled the old dungeon. He fucking had me for a second. And then I regrouped. I grabbed his hand. I bent it backwards. And I said, don't fucking, like I said, I'll break your fucking neck right here. And I could see fear in his eye. You know, because he was playing it. He thought he had a chance to move on this. And then he knew he did it. And I see the fear in his eye. By now also, everybody that works for him, the receptionist has gone ahead and called everybody. So they're all out in the hall hearing this. And I'm not quiet, as you know. Sure. So I have it. We have our moment. I turn around. I walk out. Call Rosie. I did it, man. I'm so fucking excited. I walk right over to the state capital of Iowa. Our governor is the governor now. Terry Branstad, he's a Republican. He took some time off. Now he's back governor. I'm not a Republican. He knows that, but it doesn't matter. I walk right into his office. I'm like, listen, I fucking just told the whole story. He's about to adopt a boy. I said, I need you to stop that adoption. And immediately, because he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tom, Tom, first of all, first of all, you were not here. This conversation did not take place. That's a federal offense you're asking me to commit. So you would go to jail. I would be in trouble. This did not happen. Get the fuck out of here. All right? So anyway, I was depressed. I go back. I called, you know, a week later my brother calls me. You know, something weird happened in the paperwork for Terry's adoption, and it did not go through. So even though Terry Branstad is a diehard Republican, you know, he did me a solid. He did that. Now, I said to myself, have I done enough? Have I done enough? What about the kids in this neighborhood now? So I had my farmhands every night for six weeks go around his house, kid high, and put up pictures of his face, Terry Wade's face, his crimes on polls, every poll, and let the other kids go, watch out for this fucking guy. Here's what he's done. Here's what he does. Here's what he does. And, you know, and then I felt like, you know, I put the word out enough. Not only have I said it on TV, I've done this, I've done that, I've sought to. And then I felt better about it. And does, I want to know, and again, a tease, but any, don't answer, any contacts since then? Is he still alive? What's he up to today? Don't say a word. I've got to hit Blue Apron here. Fresh, high-quality ingredients taste better, and they're better for you. Blue Apron, high-quality. Here's what it is. And I'll tell you, it's one of those, and I've challenged people, do the Blue Apron thing, and then tweet me if you're anything other than over the moon about it. Less than $10 per meal, new recipes created each week. They bring all the ingredients right to your house. Right. And they do everything under the sun. And it all shows up, and you just open the box. And it's got all the meat. It's got all the vegetables. It's got all the everything. And they show you a glossy picture of what you're making. Right. And in like 20 minutes, you whip it up, and it looks exactly like it is on the picture. And it's perfect. Delivery options to fit your needs. No weekly commitment. So you only get deliveries when you want them. But, again, you want to eat healthy. You want to eat at home. You don't have a whole bunch of time. It's perfect. It's like, I don't know, it's like IKEA for food in the sense that the box shows up. It's got the picture of it. You snap it all together, and you're done, and you're pre-measured at home. Everything's pre-measured, pre-done, pre-everything. As a lazy person, I love how you get a lot less dirty when you're doing it this way, because it's all pre-measured, and it's all pre-drawn out. Well, I get also less fat, because when it's not pre-measured, I go, well, I think, no. But if it's pre-measured, then I can stay on it, and okay, this is the way it's supposed to be done. Try Blue Apron. Check out this week's menu and get three free meals with free shipping when you sign up at BlueApron.com forward slash Adam. That's BlueApron.com forward slash Adam. It's a better way to cook. Try it, and I defy you to shoot me a tweet that said something with some pot. So, Dave, just $10 a meal. Yeah. Okay. They should send me some. I'll be out of here. All right. So, any contact, and is he still alive? I don't know. Last I heard, he was alive. I know that other members of his family and other members of the community have since contacted him and confronted him. And so you feel closure. I do. I do. And I need to feel that. And I do. And, you know. And what's life like now for Tom Arnold 2016? Well, the moment my son was born, it did reopen up some things that, you know, it did come back, and I had to kind of go through it again. Because always in the back of my mind was, even healthy, I was like, yeah, this terrible thing happened to me, but it was me, so maybe I was just a bad kid. I mean, you know, if it happened to a normal person, it's terrible. but they're but happen to me and i'm kind of a scumbag well part i think part i think also part of it but you tell me yeah that there's a guilt with the victims and that they seek out kids that are neglected right and or abused and or neglected or neglect is a form of abuse and they start showing attention right and for the kid it feels good on some level that somebody's paying for it for the first time ever, paying attention to you. So you feel sort of complicit or in some way involved with this where you don't, like, you know, when you're sitting at an intersection and you get hit by a drunk driver and all you're doing is sitting there at a red light waiting to go and a guy just blows right through and T-bones you, you're hurt, you're damaged, but you don't feel like, well, I may have had some role in this. The real insidious part of this whole thing is there's a lot of seven-year-olds that feel like I had some part in this, which is horrific now. That's part of the thing. But seeing my newborn son born, I realized, oh, no, I was him. I was perfect. And this happened to me. Yeah, it's not about me. But that was just, you know, I was a perfect being. And this terrible thing happened to me. So what is a day like for you? You're married, right? Yes. You have a two-year-old son? I have a three-year-old son and a seven-month-old daughter. So new family, new life, new wife. Yeah. How do you stay married now? I mean, what I'm saying is it sounds a little loaded, but I mean, Tom Arnold's a handful. Yeah. And you couldn't marry a 27-year-old Tom Arnold and stay with him. That's impossible. But now we have a Tom Arnold, mellowed with age a little bit and sober and so forth. What is it? So maybe the first three didn't stand a chance. Right, right, probably. But how hard is it for you now? It's not hard for me. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. I have a family. It took 25 years to get a family through science. Sure. My low sperm, I had no sperm. You know, all these women tried. God bless them. But I knew the moment it happened when I was 54, this was the moment it was supposed to happen. This is the marriage it was supposed to happen in. So all those times I was trying in those other marriages, that was a waste of time. My biggest fear is holding on to what I have. at 57, having everything you ever dreamed of, and now I've got to hold on to it for 20 years. Right. And that means, yeah, you get a big house and you get a big mortgage payment, and you start to have some staff, some people. And you get, you guys who are listening. My nut is way too big. I drive way too big. I've got to cut back. It's scary. If I'm a business manager, if I'm going to get my ego in check. But I'll tell you what, this Thunder Redstone thing, It's an opening that I want to fill. I'm friends with Sidney Holland. Wait, tell us what's going on. Okay, here's the deal. This is a fact. Southern Redstone is 93 years old. He's the CEO of Viacom, a company that owns CBS, MTV, VH1, Comedy Central. He lives a mile from me. He had two girlfriends. This is a fact. And by God, it's good for him. He's a billionaire. He's two girlfriends. Because all they had to do was every night take their shirts off, which I don't like to take my shirt off. I'd rather take my pants off. But they got a little bit and then licked the top of his dick. And they each got $80 million over the last four years. This is public record, public knowledge. This is not a lie. Okay. Now, they have been fired. There were some personal issues, whatever. One cheated on him, whatever. There's an opening. Now, when I was 20, I would not do that. He needs, he needs, there's an opening for a dick licker. Right. Right. When I was 20, I would think that was gross. Right. Now, with a family support, I would do anything for my family, I would do that in a fucking heartbeat. Yeah. You probably wouldn't do that. No, listen, you know, I've always, the good news is, as an atheist, I can be bought. Yeah. You know, like, people say to me all the time, like, you're never going back to terrestrial radio, are you? And I go, I don't know. What's, is there a check? What's the check involved? They go, well, would you go back? And I go, listen, I'd kill my mom if you gave me enough money. It's all about the money part. I know that sounds morally bankrupt, but what I'm saying is this part where, this part, look, if you do it for money and you decide to do it for money, I'm taking this scenario seriously, but I do actually mean this, which is saying to somebody, I want you to go kill the neighbor kid for $10 billion, There's no price you could put on that. Right, of course. Having me put a bowling pin up my ass, I could put a price on that. Right. Now, you know why? Because it would be me putting the price on it. Or even a bet. $4,200, by the way. Just for people wanting to know. Well, that's what, you know, Kirk Gibson. $57 without lube. But go ahead. Kirk Gibson is a good friend of mine. Kirk Gibson, I've tried to do this documentary with him. He has Parkinson's. Oh, he does? He came, yes. As you know, he's always been a tough ball player. He is. Kurt, he was a football player who played baseball. Yes. Basically, that's who he is. Michigan State, literally, and decided, you know what? And he always led with the head. Right. And he thought, well, my career will last longer. And he played baseball one season at Michigan State, batted .390, and then signed. There's at least two of the greatest moments of all time in baseball that he is a part of. and we know the home run at Dodger Stadium. Yeah, and we have one at Tiger Stadium, too. But he's become a friend, ironically, because we're so different. When I met Kirk Gibson 25 years ago, he hated me. We met him because David Wells was a mutual friend. David was pitching at Yankee Stadium. And I thought, well, if he can be friends with David, he must be okay. He thought the same thing. He hated me, but he grew to like me. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I'm in Detroit. We get together. We're talking. He said his biggest fear about Parkinson's is taking care of his family. I said, that's my biggest fear in life, period. You know, his family is older. I said, but I got this dick-licking opportunity for us, you know, which he's very. And I said, but wouldn't you do that for $80 million? And then we started talking about our lowest. I said, I'd do it for a lot less. He might have to shave the mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I'd do it for a lot less. He said, what's your low ball? Would you do it for $1,000? I said I would do it for $1,000 if it was very organized. There was 100 guys that each paid $1,000. My agent organized it. I walked out of the dressing room. They're all lined up. Yeah. You know, it's professional. I lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, all the way down the line. And then maybe for an extra $1,000 each, there's a meet and greet or something like that. Look, Pete Rose signs baseball bats and baseballs for $20 a pop, and they just keep moving. Right. It's volume. It's volume. So if I can get Kirk Gibson to be my partner, I mean, the guy is the badass that beat up other players if they didn't practice enough. So, Tom, I feel you. See, what people don't really understand is at all, and you hear it a lot, like you go, that guy made a million dollars in a year. What's he got to worry about? Well, first off, he didn't make a million, made $500,000 because the government took half of it, number one. Number two, that guy's got a mortgage and the taxes he's paying on the property, and then he's got a nanny, and then he's got a publicist, and then he's got to lease a couple of cars, and then, by the way, he bought the nanny a car, too. And when the dust settles, you don't realize that a million bucks can be mowed through quite easily. And look, if you're MC Hammer, you can mow through $30 million a year and end up in the red at the end of the year. So, Tom has a, I guess you approach life like an addict, right? Like attack, get, I want, grab, where is it? And there's a fear. There's a thing in show business, which is, it's funny because you go, think about all those people that were so famous and had this going on and that going on, and now they're not employable, or they're barely working, or they're working a cruise ship or something like that. And it's funny. You go, think about, and then I realize, oh, you can't even remember their names. It's not even like, oh, okay, maybe I'll dig up Lou Bega or something. But, I mean, Lou Bega sat with me on this set of Loveline in like 1998, 99, and I said, Lou, you got this huge hit, Mambo No. 5, but what about keeping the momentum going? What about the next hit? Are you nervous about the follow-up? And he looked at me sort of confused, and he said, oh, this is just the beginning. This train's never slowing down. It's picking up speed. And I remember just sort of looking at him going, the first song sucked. I don't know if there is a second song. Did you say that out of the air? No. You should. I'm not as brave as you. I didn't confront my abuser. No, I was there to interview the guy and do love line. I wasn't really sucking up to him, but I wasn't there to humiliate him or embarrass him or anything. But don't you wish you had that kind of balls to believe shit like that? Every day people come up and go, you and I are going to work together one day. I'm going to be huge. Well, wait a minute. Well, wait a second. Lou Bagan, I'm not sure what Lou's up to, Gary, but that balls. Well, it's hubris, and the point is it probably didn't work for Lou. What did work for Tom Arnold and to some degree Adam Carolla is a running scared mentality approach to business, which is I've got to work every Saturday. You've got to get on an airplane and go to Hilarities in Cleveland because this could all shut. Someone could pull the plug on this thing. Right. And you've got to keep making hay while the sun shines. Speaking of money, by the way, I've got an automated service. It's called Wealthfronts, an automated service to manage your long-term investments using tax-efficient, low-cost investment portfolios, sophisticated financial advice at a fraction of the cost of traditional advisors, all online. Only a $500 account minimum, by the way. You can get started. But they automate investment strategies that managers for the ultra-wealthy have access to, and they deliver it directly to the investors. There's a thing that's kind of nice about it. It's like everything for the people now. Like everybody can get everything. It used to be it was just a handful of rich wives that had access to this stuff. The one thing about the Internet, it's opened it up to everyone. No management fee for accounts under $10,000. bucks, and only a 0.25 per year over that. Modern technology, rigorous investment research to cut out the middleman, give everyone a sound investment, and everyone a shot, and everyone should be educated. We don't do this in this country. We're not educated on investment management. Check them out at wealthfront.com forward slash Adam. Just go to Wealthfront and check it out. Wealthfront.com forward slash Adam. Yeah, I mean, how much money have you made in your career? I have made, first of all, people think I got $50 million from Rosad Bar in divorce settlement. Our divorce is public record, as are a lot of divorces in California. I took zero alimony, zero settlement. Look it up. I could have had $50 million. There was no prenup, and I've regretted it every day of my life. Because I thought, I'll tell you, I'll make the money. I probably made 50 or I'm sure I've made $50 million. And I know for a fact that I have given away more money than I have right now. If I just look at my scholarships and my charity donations, that doesn't make me a good person. That makes me a stupid person because you could also give away your money when you die. And like Bill Gates, that's something an alcoholic says because it makes him look good. I have given away more money than I have. That's something you say when you're drowning. By the way, the good news is, no, I can still give away more money than I have when I die, but I have, you know, so I'm trying to refocus and focus on my children and not care about whether I live in Beverly Hills or where I live. I'll tell you what we should do then. Go to TomArnoldComedy.com. Find out where he's playing because Tom's coming to a town near you. And the thing is, I love doing stand-up like you love the actual doing stand-up or doing a podcast. You love talking to people. I actually, you know, it's the travel that's right. It's the travel, yeah. All right, so speaking of travel, Jacksonville, Florida, that's September 8th through the 11th at the Comedy Zone. And then Hilarity's in Cleveland. Yeah. That'll be September 15th through the 18th. And then a whole bunch of more dates. So just go to TomArnoldComedy.com. I go to good places, and I'm lucky that I get to pick places that people are nice to me, and I make people take pictures with me. I don't do meet and greets. I literally take pictures with everybody. And I have T-shirts. They can buy them if they want. I don't, you know, whatever. You have a kid's heart cap, Cap-Tel Corazon, which I hope they support, but they don't have to. But it gives me a moment with real people and keeps me sober. So, you know, it's selfish. Everything I do is selfish. One of the good ones. Tom Arnold. Me, I'm in Cincinnati, but Chicago doing live podcasts at the Vic, September 24th, Connecticut, Foxwoods, October 7th. Doug Benson's going to be with us. Live podcasts ever. Boston, Anaheim, Dallas, all over the place. You are the king of podcasts. You make fun of yourself, but you are the king of something. No, seriously. How many people are the king of something? You are. I have maybe a banana republic dictator. No, no, no. You're the reason that I'm doing a podcast. They sell. They go, Adam Carolla. They sell other people because of you. All right. Well, if you want to support my kingdom, go to AdamCarolla.com. Find out about all the stuff Carolla. And until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Tom Arnold saying mahalo. All right. This is Adam Carolla Show, 1885. 1885. Coming up next, we have Adam Perlish of 1923, featuring Phoebe Robinson, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop, also from 2016. Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you. Hey, Ann Baldwin. Now, before we go any further, I've got to apologize to everybody. Second night in a row, three hours sleep, feeling good. From dragging a little bit, I apologize in advance. I actually saw you eyeing that vending machine for the first time in ever. I rarely touched that vending machine. I was like, Diet Coke sounds good, and of course It's not happening. Brian, not sold. That's a good point. It is taken. Brian did a real good job on the news, Gina Grad. I heard. I just want to tell you, do not worry, because I'm not a scalp man. Oh, okay. Here they go. Hi, another scalp? When people are wondering, you know, what do you like? You know, you're a leg man, you're an ass man. Like a good shiny? I mean, not a scalp man. So your job will always be safe here. Thank you. At least I have that going for me. Lest you shave your head, in which case... Send us out. Good night. Okay. Not a scalp guy. So, Brian, nice job, but sorry. Thanks for the compliment. It was much harder than... It's much harder than you make it look, which is a compliment to you because you make it look easy. And I was like, oh, this will be simple. And I was like, nope, got to be on top of my game. Was that your first time ever doing that? It was the first time that ever... There have been times when other new girls have called in stick or whatever. and I've been handed stories like, you know, 10 minutes before, and I kind of stumbled through it. But that was the first time I ever picked my own story. I kind of had no excuse not to at least do it right. Yeah, good, good. And I freaked you out before the show. And you freaked me out before the show. And if you want to listen, you can go ahead to Podcast One Premium for like, I don't know, two bucks a month, and you can get the Take a Knee and all the premium shows and the live shows and the whole library. So, yeah, good fun shows, good fun people. And, boy, about as long a journey as we have on our calendar. It is meet here, the boys. It's wheels up at 5.30 a.m. here. Friday morning. Friday morning, get out to LAX. And by the time you get into the car, you can imagine the time we did it before we rented a car. It was at night, and it was raining, and we couldn't find the venue. This time, even with the limo waiting for us, it was still three hours plus. And by the time we got there, it was a coin toss as to whether you go do the show or go up to your room, take a leak and go do the show. I had to go up to the room because my bowels were like, I don't know what's going on. I don't know where I am. We have a schedule. My bowels are like, we had an agreement. We get up about 8.25, 8.30. You have a cup of coffee. You sit on a computer. You drink a little of the green juice Olga whips up for you and puts in the fridge. And at some point, you walk me over to the toilet, and I unload. That's what it was. That's half the degree that you have with your balance. Not you meet Mike and Mike and five guys named Mike in the parking lot at 5.30, then get on a miniature airplane, go cross. It was not a luxury craft. Oh, boy, did I have. It's probably for the best. I just want to have. This is not a good, never a good sign because it's always like, you know, here's my policy in terms of travel. Okay. My policy is anything under two and a half to three hours, I'll make it. Right. I don't care where I'm sitting for the most part. Standards are. Acquiesce to the actual length of the flight. Southwest to Vegas, southwest to Portland, whatever, Seattle. Phoenix, it doesn't matter to me. These are short enough flights. Don't care. Also, the other thing, too, is, look, you only go, you're playing in Indian Casino to get paid. It is nice to see everyone to press the flesh, and everyone's great, and the fans are great, and all that kind of stuff. But, look, I'm getting on a Friday. I'm meeting these guys in a parking lot at 530 in the morning, getting on an airplane, and I'm going to Squanto's Retreat, and I'm doing it to get paid. It's a work trip. Right. So I could say, hey, I need a first-class round-trip $3,200 ticket. That's just going to be the first thing that gets backed out of whatever I'm getting paid. So I try to go, all right, well, if they have some business, something. So I said to Matt, as I always do, I said, flying out. What are we flying? He said JetBlue. JetBlue. I said, okay. I said, what have they got? He said, this is like on Wednesday. He said, we got you, well, they have economy. It's just economy, but it's economy plus. And I said, oh, all right, maybe a little leg room, maybe some free booze. I don't need a lot, a little help. Then I started looking at my ticket as we were walking toward the gate, and I saw the seat print out, and it was like me, Mike, and then another human being. I'm like, oh, this is a three row. Oh, yeah, and you're particularly, yes. Yeah, an aisle with three on each side. So you're sitting next to somebody, and then how big can this plane be? And then we're seat 14 out of like 22 or something. So we're literally sitting in the middle. Our ordinary seat. Yes, just sitting in the middle of this thing. And then this horrible conversation where I say to the stewardess, the flight attendant, I go, So we're flying JetBlue Premium. I was adjacent to this conversation. You said, we have Premium Plus. What do we get with that? And she's like, huh? And she's like, huh? Which is a bad thing. And I go, Premium, we're flying JetBlue Premium, right? Do you have a Premium Plus? Premium Plus or? You cast a light net. You cast a light net. Is there something? And she's like, yeah, you can get some yam chips when we get up to 48,000 feet. And I'm like, no, premium, this is a six-hour flight. And I'm a big guy, and Mike's a big guy, and the gal next to us, and we're all smashed into these seats. And I'm like, I'm told that I'm flying premium plus something. You dropped the assistant thing. My assistant booked it. I said something about premium or something. And she said, I don't know what you're talking about. And then she left, and then she came back, and then she said, yeah, what we have is JetBlue Plus. And I said, okay, good. What does that mean? And she said, you get to check a bag for free. Oh, God. I already did a gate check of my backpack, which was another insane conversation, which is... Wait, was that your choice? I had... Sure. The plane was... You guys have to wait for me. The miniature plane was completely full, and they gate-checked my bag, and then Mike had this insane conversation with the lady who was gate-checking it, because we've been burned before, which is, yeah, this is a gate-check. And he said, okay, so we pick it up at the gate? And she said, it's a gate-check. And he said, okay, so when we land, we get it at the gate? And she said, no, no, the carousel. And I was like, I know this is a gate check, sweetie. Like, I know what's going on right in front of us. But really, Mike had to double back and ask a second time, do we pick it up at the carousel? Did she just mic Mike? I think she just out-miked Mike. Wow. Yeah, she, but you want to talk about confusion when somebody says, dueling mics. You're going to confuse a customer when the customer says, is this a gate check while she's doing a gate check? And you go, yes, it is. It sure is. That just means for me, that's good enough for me. I'm walking to the back of the plane. I'm going to, you know, when my knees numb up from the chair in front of me, I'll pass out at some point after eating all these veggie chips. And then at a certain point, I will not expect these things at the carousel. I will stand by the side of the plane when we get to Boston. And she said, this is a gate check. And Mike was smart enough to actually ask her if it's coming to a carousel. But she said, yes, it's a gate check, meaning that I guess we could have said, is this a conversation we're having right now? And she would have said, yes. She literally described what was happening. In live time. Back to Jet Boop Premium Plus. Yes. So it turned out to be nothing other than you get a break on a half a bag. And I said, a mental note. I actually called Matt. I said, remind me to kick you in the nuts when I get back. Put that on the list. The other thing that needs to be addressed is, and I brought up before, the phone jack and the jack where the headphones plug into and where they are and the multitude of possibilities there are in an airline seat. And I find myself just looking at other people trying to cheat, like where's the cord coming from? It's just like school. One day, somebody smart, some fan who listens is going to sit next to me on the plane, shove the cord up his ass, and I'm going to try to very gingerly go, all right, I guess I've got to go here. Because I'm doing the arm. The thing that drives me nuts is they put it in the armrest, but the armrest that if you've got a miner's helmet and you got down on your knees and looked at it, you could find it, but it's not visible because it's down. The part of the armrest that faces the person in front of you is a heel. Yes. Yes. It's either flat or turned a little. There's also many other possibilities. I do feel like when a dog starts humping pillows and starts humping beanbag chairs and starts humping curtains, I start trying to shove this little dick everywhere. There's a little divot in the armrest. I try to push it in that. I try to push it in anywhere I can push it in. At a certain point, I'm just looking around going, I have no idea where I can listen to this movie that I'm watching. This was on the flight home. It's funny because on the flight home I actually appreciated their entertainment system, but it was weird because, Gina, it's the new one on Delta where they have the screen, but this one actually has the headphone jack and a USB port in the bottom of the screen. Hot Delta. That's very nice, but it's everywhere now. It could be anywhere. I took a picture of it. This is literally the screen. I was watching a documentary. I was watching Iris, the documentary. And then later on, and I'll just show you guys the picture of the screen. It's just a black monitor. with a black hole in the middle of the black monitor. Gary will pop that up. When you see a close-up picture of it, Gary, with no cord sticking out of it, you realize it's just a sea of black with a black hole. Can we do a little red right button or something on there, like a little sticker or an arrow or something that says cord? Find one with nothing in it, Gary, thanks. And you have it in there somewhere. And you'll realize there's no orientation whatsoever. There is no anything. I would never shit on your point. But mine, maybe yours was broken. Gary, I'll show you a picture that will make you angry. Mine had a very nifty feature, which was whenever you touched the screen or got near it, it lit up to little blue LED things that outlined the headphone jack. Yours must have been broken. Every time I touched it, it lit up a little blue light around the headphone jack. It was very nifty. Did yours do that, Dawson? Yeah, it did. But he did just totally shit on you. I was thinking that the whole time. You just got the phone screen. I had the same difficulty you did. It doesn't say headphone jack. It just looks like a little circle. I touched the screen a bunch of times. Yeah, yours must have been broken. High-tech stuff goes out pretty quick, especially if it gets used multiple times a day, every day. All right. Gary, show me the picture with the one missing that just is the bottom corner. That's all. I was still looking on the armrest the whole time until I looked at the guy next to me, and he had his thing. And I'm like, oh, there it is. Yeah, you can't. I think I caught a close one of just the bottom corner, but there's nothing. No, no indication whatsoever. There's no, it's just black with the hole in it. I'm just saying, like, ergonomically, especially since it's been in the arm. It's established well that goes in the arm at this point, right? It is. Why not just put a little red thing on there or a blue circle? A lighted belly do so. Mine didn't. Come on, grab that. Garrett, I didn't take a shot of the corner, huh? All right. All right. Phoebe Robinson is here I don't know why is it driving me nuts I thought I just took a picture of the corner oh there is that it that's you or me that's me okay that's the shot of the left lower corner where the jack is and I'll just show the one with the jack in it this is good pot but you can see this and I'm growing up there's nothing there's nothing there there's nothing around it how did you come across this your knees were so close to the screen I had to start looking over other people's chairs. And when I saw other people's chairs, I saw the cord coming out from there. I was able just to cheat. I was in high school. I was back in Spanish class. And I was behind Cynthia Nagatani. And I had to give my answers that way. Nice Mexican name. Yeah, thank God I'm used to, well, Japanese. Okay. Better students. She studies. She's studying. She doesn't have to study in Spanish class. That's right. Comprendo. That's right. Okay. All right. So Phoebe's here. so we'll get this thing cranked up as fast as we can. First, I'll tell you about, let me take a phone call. Oh, no. Line one. Line one. Chris? Hey. 31. What's going on? Not much. I was out at Foxwood this weekend. It was great seeing you guys live. Oh, thanks for coming out, man. It was fun. Yeah, I recommend it to all fans. It's a great energy having everybody in the same room. It was a lot of fun. I agree. Thank you. Everyone was there. Everyone was there. So, you know, my original question was asking you, I saw a Bull Brian post on Twitter, you happen to have two pair of sunglasses on your head while you were on the plane. There was a crazy guy hit next to you, is that Adam? I have to see my question because he posted another photo with you in your socks. You're taking off your shoes. Did you know these pictures have been posted? No. I saw them right away. No. A couple things. I have to wear glasses to try to find goddamn headphone jacks and airplanes now or read about where the jacks may be. So I have to now what I'm going. I know I'm like one of those channel 28 preachers. I know. I'm the second up in the middle of the night, which is now listen. Listen closely. Listen closely. As far as the glasses go, that's just God punishing me. I mean, I wear sunglasses to try to get some sleep. But then when I have to find the jack button or whatever it is, I have to put my reading glasses on, and I'm not going to put away my sunglasses so that I can read the stupid whatever it is I'm trying to read. I was reading a chart. This is rock bottom. This is like car show gala bad. You can see how... He's reading car stats. I was reading car stats. You can see how tight my stupid, stupid seat is. But listen to me. I don't have a problem with people taking their shoes off on a five-hour-plus flight. Sure. No problemo. That's reasonable. I have a problem with bare feet on the armrest of the guy in front of you, bare feet on the ceiling. Or the restaurants. At the restaurant, you flip off your flip, you kick off your flip-flops, and you put them up on the Starbucks. You're going to be there for 40 minutes. I have a problem with that. Everybody wants to walk around in their socks on the airplane. That's on them. I don't care about that. Everyone took their socks off in the limo on the ride. Three hours without your feet, without your shoes on. It was fantastic. There was a limo? No. It was nice, swanky. It was top-notch. I have no problem with that. Now, that was more a joke of the people that tweet us with pictures of people with their socks. Look, those shoes. You found a crazy one. It's like, wow, unbelievable. I took his shoes off on a plane. What a maniac. I wish I could get my feet up on the chair in front of me, but I'd be blowing myself if I actually did do that. That's a loop. Yeah. Lou. Plus. Sure did. Oh, thanks, man. And then I had first class on the ride home. Ooh la la. Yeah, but it was minimal. As I always say, if you ain't turning left, you ain't in real first class. You got to get on that plane and turn left. It was a modest. It was a modest first class. Very modest first class. It was like a sweet pod. And I'll tell you what ruined it for me. There was a big, heavy set fella sitting next to me. Just a lot of man. Next to substantial fella. Substantial. And I did that thing where it's like, all right, well, at least I got first class. The seat reclined about eight inches, and there was no food. And it was like it wasn't really much for a first class. But all right, we're trying to save some money. But the dude, now tell me if I'm a douche, if this ruins it for me. But the dude was, like, sitting next to me. And he was, like, a big dude. He didn't really seem like a first class dude. And I said, as opposed to the guy wearing two sunglasses. Yes. I said to the dude, what do you do? And he said, I drive a truck for Home Depot. Oh, God. And I was like, this can't be a good first class. This can't be a good first class. You're stacking pallets. You're making $37,000 a year, and we're up here in first class. What's the explanation now? Miles, probably. The explanation is it's an $800 first class. It's not a real first class. Yes, that's the explanation. That makes sense. Okay. Well, so that's a nice guy. Happy to have you back. Very modest. All right. So I was able to watch some shows, and let's see. What's this documentary you're watching? Oh, I only brought it up because it was about Iris. It was this old fashionista woman who collected ensembles and apparel and bracelets and brooches and just stuff that I have zero interest in. And I try to tell people all the time, just watch stuff you have zero interest in, because that's the point about a documentary. You're supposed to get interested in stuff you know nothing about, have no interest in, and previously would think, oh, this would be a complete waste of time. And that's why I like all documentaries. It's just a waste of my time. All right. Speaking of long trips, smart mouth, man. Nothing can ruin an intimate moment as quickly as some nasty breath. And Smart Mouth, I could have had a shot of this stuff at 5 a.m. when I got out of bed and still been minty fresh in that limo on the way to Foxwoods some 12 hours later. Smart Mouth, it's activated. It's clinically proven to instantly eliminate bad breath, prevent bad breath from coming back for, again, 12 full hours. And morning breath, too. So take a shot at night, and then you don't get the morning breath in the morning. It's two separate liquids. They combine. They activate. They have zinc ions, and they stop the bacteria from producing the sulfur gas for 12 hours. So next time you're out drinking, smoking, partying, doing whatever Doug Benson was doing when he was with us in Boston. It was a lot. A lot of everything. Use Smart Mouth. Do it before you head home, especially if you meet a little honey bunny. SmartMouth.com, baby. Or you can find it at Walmart, Target, Walgreens, CVS, all that kind of stuff. All right. A couple more phone calls, and we'll take a quick break. We'll bring in Phoebe Robinson. Let's see. Don't just scoot down the line here. Talk to Paxton. Paxton, 18, Seattle. Hey, what's up, Ace, man? What's going on? Really quick, I wanted to let you know I work at a car wash, and I make sure to always snap the floor mats back into place and put the seat forward. Thank you. Good man. Yeah. Paxton. I had my car... He's too young to get that. I had my car It Matt Paxton Gina don call me out It Matt Paxton I had my car valet yesterday and had to see the little tab flapping in the breeze on the windshield on the ride home It was seething. Seething and first-world pain problems. All right. Sorry. Go ahead, Paxton. So, did you hear about Coach Kennedy? He was a coach that would play with the team for a football game. Oh, no, I didn't see that. No, I'm sure you can't do that today, right? It's a very traditional, by the way, I was always an atheist, always an atheist. And oftentimes in my, like, Pop Warner playing days, we'd take a knee and they'd do a little prayer. And they'd do prayer for, like, the safety of everyone on our team and the safety of everyone on the other team. Wouldn't be like, let's go kick the shit out of those guys. It's just more like everyone grab a knee and take a little thing. and I as an atheist was always sort of fine with it. Just out of curiosity because I've never experienced this, do they say to Jesus or God or do they... Often they say, I went to a Catholic school and when we played football, we had to say a prayer before the game and they said the Hail Mary usually. Ironically enough. Right. Yeah. Dear Heavenly Father. Oh, Heavenly Father. Yeah. They would do it to Vince Lombardi, but yeah. We would just take a knee and they would just ask, you know, and I didn't finally give us anything, and then wish our grand 13th, or whoever our opponent, blah, blah, blah, safe travels or whatever. And that was about it. I didn't get it. But they didn't like this guy doing that? Yeah, he got fired. He got fired. Yeah. Who complained? And who are the goddamn pussy parents who complain about it? Who are the kids who are with Gary knows something? There's an opposing team's parents complaining about him doing it at a home game. Apparently, he discreetly, after players had left the field, would go out to the 50-yard line, take a knee, and say a short prayer. By himself. Originally. I mean, once this got notoriety, a bunch of people started joining him in a show of solidarity. But he was going out alone after players were off the field and kneeling down. He's like a 52-year-old white man. He's not white. I mean, I don't know. It seems to be very quiet. He's not trying to make a big statement. Well, the NFL does this after every game. Every college team, every pro team, yeah. hold on one second i'm angry because i'm a parent now and i used to sit around and listen to the hey wait oh you're a parent i give even less of a shit now that i'm a parent i really i thought things were going to change they don't i really don't have a bunch of rules and whatever with my kids and your religion or what they're doing whatever whatever it is if things are safe i i I don't care. I don't ask if someone has a dog or something before. I assume the parents are good parents that when they're going to sleep over at somebody's house and they take care of them and I don't ask them what they're eating or what they're whatevering. It's just, I don't get that part where as an opposing parent you have to complain to somebody. And we can simply ignore assholes who can complain. I mean, now we act like whether you're a school board or a team or a peewee team or a high school team or whatever, corporation, whatever you are, if some paper-thin-skinned nutjob comes in and starts complaining about whatever it is, you don't have to snap into action. You just go, hey, bitch, shut up. You evaluate the complaint and you act accordingly. Well, yeah, I think if somebody comes in and goes, look, I saw something sort of sexual between Coach Kennedy, you have to be all ears. Yeah, tell me, please. And there's many other things where you could be all ears, but if the guy wants to go down the 50-yard line, take a knee and bow his head, then I don't see why we need to prevent that or why we need to have this conversation. I'm much more interested in the parents that rat people out. And then really, is that what you consider? that a victory? Do you feel like you've won now? Well, if your job is to get people to hate your guts, you now have one or two more people that hate your guts, but I'm guessing the person was an atheist or something of that nature. As a parent and as an atheist, I can tell you I don't give a shit about any of this stuff. Only the important stuff. They're things that matter. I don't get why we're giving equal time to everything when some stuff matters. and some stuff doesn't matter. You went to a Catholic high school? Okay, well, I don't know if you guys experienced this. You probably didn't. But I went to a public school in Kansas, and there was a thing called See You at the Flag or See You around the Flag, and I never knew what it was, but it was a group of Christian students that would congregate at the flagpole every morning and pray. Would that fly in 2016? It never even dawned on me to even care or ask. Is it an officially sanctioned club, or is it just because of that? It made it into the announcements in the morning. I don't think it would definitely not fly. And candy maybe, but just throwing it out here. So, again, in a world that has actual problems, why are we in a world where I can't find a headphone jack? On a cross-country flight. Yes. Big and small. When you break down prayer to its core, all it really is is saying that there's a higher power and I'm not the greatest thing on earth. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with reminding people that, hey, you're not God. Yeah. I like that. I like that. From the voice of God. All right. A couple more calls, and then we'll get Phoebe in here and get caught up with her. Let's see. Wayne, Grass Valley. Where's that? I don't know. Wayne? Oh, are you talking to me? Yeah, ma'am. Oh, it's pronounced W-I-E-N. Oh, that's the problem. That's the problem. Yeah. What's going on, Wayne? Yeah, I get that all the time. Yeah, I get it. What's happening? Just working away on my car in the garage and decided to give you a call. I had a question for you. What are you working on? 91 convertible Mustang. Mm-hmm. All right. That's good. Is that the Fox body? It is the Fox body. And, you know, gearheads like me and Gina, we don't say 5.0. We say it has a 302 in it. Thank you, Wayne. You get it. I felt bad for my security detail. The guy was walking me around. Justin, super nice guy, was walking me around. When you go to a casino, you actually get security. It's a huge casino. It's like two or three Vegas casinos. You couldn't find your way around. But he said, we were walking around. We were both talking about working at McDonald's back in the day and how our cuticles always smelled like onions. and we both work in the grill and he was pissed that he had to only work the grill and I was pissed that I only had to work the grill and he said he was a car guy and I was asking about his commute and how long, his old mountain roads that he took in and this, that and the other and he said I said, what do you got? Because it's a mountain road and we're car guys and he said, had a Mustang but traded that in and I said, ooh, what do you got now? He said, Chevy Cobalt and I went, wow Oh, like I can just look at my feet while we're rocking. It's a 2.1 liter four banger with a healthy 126 horsepower. It's like one of those rental cars where you're like, I'm not quite sure what you're doing. I don't know what this is. I didn't know people bought Cobalt, so I thought you just got them for $22 a day plus mileage. And we're looking at it, and all I could do is look at my feet and give them a, oh, there you go. How about that? How about that? How about that? Look at you. Look at you. You go. Go you. And he's like, yeah, it gets 36 miles to the gallon. I'm like, if I had a sewing machine for a motor in my car, I'd get 30. You know, I'd get some pretty good swing mileage as well. Yeah, so that was nice. He's a sweet guy. Anyway, what's the question there, Wayne? Well, I've seen lots of radio broadcasts that are turned into podcasts. I wonder if there's been any thought or discussion of doing it the other way, taking a podcast and then broadcasting it on like a tape delay on radio. It's been discussed a time or two. It's just nothing has ever really come to fruition. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, just I have a long commute on my way home, and, you know, I listen to you guys. I used to listen to reruns of Ben Affleck and stuff like that and just thought it would work. No, it would. I would. I just, I don't know. It's, you know, radio guys are what you call set in their ways. The guys who run the radio stations. Yes. I imagine there's going to be some turnover. I mean, it'll be one of those things like we discussed. Like, I used to say seven years ago, well, why don't you put the spread in when you're picking a game? Oh, please, heaven forbid. No, no one. No, you can't do that. Now it's always acknowledged. No, there's whole shows about it. There's all shows about it. So we do that. And so this is going to happen, too. But it's the old guard has to leave radio, and I think the new guard will come in. Well, and in some ways this is already happening. Like our guest today, I think, I mean, she has, you know, they air these on, you know, Nerd PR, if that's what I call it. But, you know, all these Radio Lab, This American Life, those shows are on the radio and the podcast. We're having there. Yeah, well, Gary's going to bring Phoebe Robinson in right now. Phoebe Robinson, good to see you. Thanks for coming in. I'm doing well. I was watching you doing stand-up on, oh, I don't know. I was on Seth Meyers. Seth Meyers, yes. Very nice job. Thank you. Phoebe does stand-up. Phoebe writes books. Phoebe does a podcast. What does Phoebe not do? By the way, the book, You Can't Touch My Hair, is available now on Amazon. and you can click through our website and that would be nice for us. Also, bookmark us, podcast Two Dope Queens, new episodes every week on iTunes. And you're with Jessica Williams, formerly of The Daily Show. Yeah. So tell us, man, how does this all get going for you? Well, I started doing comedy like eight years ago, and I'm based out of New York. I'm originally from Cleveland. So I moved to New York because I thought I was going to work in film and write important movies. Like I was like, I'm going to write my American beauty. But like a dumb trash bag floating in the wind. Like I was very self-important. And then eight years ago, a friend of mine wanted to take a stand-up class at Caroline's. And then I just did it. And I ended up loving it. So it really changed everything for me. So Caroline's has a stand-up class. Yeah, yeah. So it was an eight-week class. And I just wrote my jokes. And I just kept doing it. and I just started doing open mics and had a day job and was making no money and drinking too much. Yeah, that's the way. I know, right? That's all you need to do when you do stand-up. You know, I never really thought, you know, it's funny because everyone, I went to the Groundlings and then later on Acme Theater and then everyone does Second City and Improv Olympics and blah, blah, blah. So everyone pretty much understands that if you want to do sketch or improv or whatever, you go learn, go take classes. But stand-up, I know there's classes, but no comedian ever talks about taking stand-up. It's like no model ever went to modeling school. Right. I think it's me and Jim Gaffigan. I think he took some classes like years ago, years, years, years ago. But, yeah, it ended up being you really just learn how to stand on stage. It makes total sense that you rarely hear. Maybe it's not romantic. I was just going to say, I think the romantic notion is work it out. Get your time on the boards. Get your time on stage. Work it out. Put open mic nights. Bomb. Do badly. Then do a little bit. I think that's the romantic notion when the most practical is like, take a class. You'll get pretty far ahead of the beginning stages pretty fast. Yeah, they don't have the same thing with like aviation. I stumbled into it. My friends really thought I'd be a good pilot, so one of them dared me to steal a test knife. So after work, we went to the airport. We had a few cold ones, you know. I thought he was going to fly. He made me fly. I'm urging me to get in that Cessna, man. Or the version where your mom, like when you're 14, would have to drive you into the airport and let you fly the Cessnas and wait in the car. I bet you're doing it. Yeah, there's a weird, I think there's a thing where comedians, I always say this about models. No, you know, how'd you get into modeling? They go, well, I turned 14, I realized I was smoking hot. Yeah. So I went to Europe and started making money. No, but comedians have to do that. ah, my friends pushed me up or everyone thought I worked with, you know, thought I was funny. But if you go, I took a class, then it means you went, oh, I like this. I thought I was funny and I wanted to explore it. Well, I didn't want to take the class. I didn't. My friend wanted to take it. And I was like, no, we got it. This is the model story we're talking about. And so I was like, I never really watched stand-up growing up. I never really thought it was a job. She was like, you hate your life. Just take this class. If you hate this class, whatever. And so that's how I got into stand-up. But it was very begrudgingly that I did it. And your friend, did she make anything of herself? Yeah. I mean, she doesn't do stand-up anymore, but she writes and stuff. So, yeah, she lives in L.A. So for you, what is the process? Like, get up, work it out, go to – I mean, I talk to comedians. I remember once a comedian went, like, oh, my God, I haven't performed in forever. It's been, like, six days or something since they did a set. But in that world, that's part of the schedule, right? Yeah, when I started out. So I started doing stand-up July of 08, and then I got laid off from my job in October of 08. So I just was doing open mics and bringer shows every night and living off my severance, which didn't last, and I was desperately broke by the time I got another job again. And I'm never going to be the person that wants to do four shows in a night. That's just not how I operate. That just feels excessive for someone like me. So I can mix it up by, like, writing books and, like, doing acting stuff and, you know, doing podcasts and stuff with Jessica for WNYC. And so I really just kind of mix it up. Your rib is onto a man. Yeah. Yeah, I want to have my own empire, my own black lady empire. Two dope queens. Yeah. You said that very white. That was what you've ever said. But I liked it. It felt really, it felt very podcasting to have, like, a white guy intro to two dope queens. That felt perfect. Two dope queens. These young ladies really lay it down. Telling it like it is. Two dope queens. Two dope queens. Two dope queens. Yeah. I don't know. It reminds me. Stephen Hawking's one. Well, listen. Nothing is as good as, God, I swear to God, I don't think we can find it these days. Or maybe we'll get the guy who found the Billy Bush tape on this. But there's a great archive. I was watching TV in like 1987 or something, and it was the Two Live crew. Brian knows the story. But I don't know, whatever's nasty, is it wannabe, whatever. Just when they were getting, you know, arrested and stuff like that. Yeah, it was all that thing. 85, 88, somewhere. Later than that. Something later 80s, whatever it was. And it was like Dan Rather on the evening news. And he was like, and in Dade County, Two Live crew were arrested. They're the band that made the popular song, Me So Horny. It's like a too dope queen. I love that. And I'm also like, you can just say popular, controversial rap band. You do not have to say Me So Horny, Too Dope Queen, into the microphone. But all right. So, Phoebe, the book, that is out as we speak, the dates. I don't know. Where do we go if we want to see you do stand-up? Do you have dates or touring around? Yeah, right now I'm on the book tour. So I was going to have stand-up dates, but then they conflicted with some TV stuff that I'm doing. So I canceled all that, and then I'm just doing book tour dates for the rest of the month. You can see me in Seattle, Portland, Madison, Wisconsin. I'll be tripling that black population real quick. Oh, in Madison, yeah. D.C., Cleveland, which is where I'm from. So that'll be nice. But, yeah, I'm really excited about the book tour. It'll be great. What were you doing that you got laid off from? I was working in film. I was an assistant at an indie film company. So I was just getting coffee and doing expense reports. Really not glamorous at all. And I was like, I hate this. This is awful. Boy, when you think indie film company, you think locked in for life in terms of employment. I can't imagine they were cutting back over the indie film company. Wow. It's one of the safest career bets ever. And you do find out that it's mostly just work, right? Yeah. Like all that glamorous independent film stuff. It's just a bunch of transcribing stuff. Office work. Yeah, you're in an office. Yeah. And you're getting people coffee. And I'm like, I am $50,000 in debt, and I'm giving someone coffee. It does not feel good. My question, I was going to say, New York's a tough place to have no job, no income be laid off, especially in late 2008. How did you, how did you get by? So I had a severance, and I was like, oh, I'm so rich. So I, like, literally fucking went to, like, West Elm and CB2 and just bought a bunch of furniture for my apartment. And I was like, oh, I'll get a job next week. It took me almost a year to get a full-time job. So I was just doing temp stuff for, like, I was working at a makeup store just packing eyeshadow for fashion week, and no one was eating. I would bring in, like, my Wendy's, like a fucking garbage monster. and I'm like, oh, this smells great. And I'm like, we don't eat here. We all wear black. It was just very much like. No, we don't eat that. It's we don't eat. Yeah. I never saw anyone eat ever there. And I was like, how are you guys not? So, yeah, I was doing just odd jobs like that. I had the same thing on that six-hour flight when we're flying. We don't eat. Version plus. I didn't see anyone eating anything either. Except for the blue. Some of the stupid chips. The tarot chips are good. Don't hate the tarot chips, man. I know. I hate the, I hate, they gave us veggie chips. Yeah. And I think, like, I don't want yams and beets as chips. I mean, I can eat them, but we do have something called potato chips. Are they broken? Yeah, everyone likes them. Especially what, to me, is 8.15 in the morning. Right. Somebody just explain we're out. I'll blow you for some barbecued lays right now. Right now. Like, who doesn't like barbecued chips? Can we get some barbecue? I like when the barbecue chip says the barbecue sauce they used. I don't care what the fucking lie. It's a little picture, and you're like, oh, look at me. I got stuff I can buy for $3.99 and get a half down, but now it's in the bag. And the dusting of it is on here. I fucking love barbecue chips. I wish there's no airline that's ever served barbecue chips. Oh, it's a mess. It's too much of a mess. The barbecue chips, they're healthy, you know. I mean, it's kind of like eating styrofoam, but, you know. I know, but as long as we're eating styrofoam, enjoy it. with some ruffles or something, but anyway. All right, so you get laid off. You begin to embark on your journey as a stand-up comedian. How did you grow up, and then where does the comedy come in? How is it in you? Yeah, so I'm from Cleveland. All my family's back there. And I guess I was like a funny kid. I was never a class clown. I didn't want to try and get attention. I would just make snarky asides when something happens. and yeah I thought I was going to be a writer so I used to write all these stories when I was a kid and I had a massive crush on my gym teacher so I used to write stories about how he and I would like end up together and I would like win awards yeah no but it was like really ridiculous that I would win awards for this in school like no one's ever like hey maybe we should talk to you they were like great great narrative so I would just win the awards for being like yeah I want to bang like my gym teacher and the good old days yeah the good old days in the 90s when it was great to be inappropriate and yeah so that was just i was just used to watch a lot of movies and i was a virgin for a really long time i didn't lose my virginia until i was 24 so yeah i was just watching a lot of movies and tv shows why so long with the virginity i couldn't lose it adam i tried i tried to give it out and no i was like expired bed bath and beyond coupons nobody wanted They still take those. They still take those. They still take those. Yeah, you can hear those. No, I still customer service. Yeah, I just couldn't. I don't think I had any swag, and I was very... Something's up. I was very skinny. Nothing's up. I was just very, very skinny. I went to, like, an all-white high school. I was, like, the only black girl in my grade. Like, I never got asked out. And, yeah, it was just not the right time. And then I started doing comedy, and I got more confident. And then I, you know, I lost the old V car, and now I'm out there in the streets buying Plan B. on the regs, you know? Makeup for what's hot. Do you have a boyfriend now? No, we broke up while I was writing a book, and I had to, like, move out. Oh, you were living together. Yeah, that was tough. That was tough. Yeah. Who's had that? Brian, you had that? Gina, you had that? Oh, yeah. Someone else, yeah, Gina. The moving out? Not in the middle of a book, but yeah, I've had to move out. That's tough. That was tough. It is rough going. It was so hard because we were just not working well together anymore. So I was like, let's end it. But then I had to scramble to find an apartment. In New York, that's tough. It was hard. That's what happened to me. Yeah, and, like, you know, we moved in. So, like, I threw out a lot of my stuff. So I didn't have a bed. Like, I didn't have a table. So I had to buy all this new stuff again. I had two rough move in. I had a rough move out and a rough move in. How do you have a rough move in? What was it like you knew you shouldn't have moved in together? you did it anyway? This was like, I was dating somebody for really about three weeks. And I mean, it could have been a month. And it's horrible. It's horrible. It's easily the worst. Before I met Jimmy, it was right before I met Jimmy Kimmel. I essentially had the worst like three months of anyone could ever have, which is I was dating this gal. She was from Minnesota. And we'd really only been dating for about three or four. It could have been two weeks. And this is right before the 94 earthquake. Is this the eye thing? And she was everything. She was sleeping at my house, and the 94 quake hit. And I was living out in La Crescenta in a rented house with three dudes and no money. And she was driving a piece of shit Nissan whose head gasket blew like the day before and was like parked in front of the house. And we didn't know we didn't have the money. You know, I'm a sort of a mechanic, but this is a head gasket. This is a big job. I don't know. It's going to cost hundreds of dollars. We didn't have any money. And her mom was coming out. And her mom was coming out and going to stay with her because her mom was poor as well. She was coming out from Minneapolis, Minnesota, and she was going to stay for like five days. She already bought her plane tickets and blah, blah, blah, but she was going to stay with this girl, Cynthia. Earthquake hits in the middle of the morning, middle of the night, whatever, in 94. She's from Minnesota, so she's all freaked out. I used to do earthquake rehab work and grew up in the San Fernando Valley, so I'm giving her that. Don't worry about it. I remember 1972, a house rocking and rolling. It's fine. She's like, my apartment, my cat, my this and my that. I was like, look, I used to do rehab work. I used to work on it. I've done so much construction, so much earthquake rehab work. I said, it's only masonry. It's only unreinforced masonry. Your apartment's just some crappy stucco valley, village, whatever place. It's fine. It's fine. My mom's house that they just tore down in North Hollywood, That thing was from the 18-somethings. It wasn't bolted down to the foundation. It wasn't anything. It was just rocked and rolled. It's fine. Anything made out of wood and stucco, whatever, siding, fine. And we were at La Crescenta. We're like 10, 15 miles away. She was like Sherman Oaks, right along the river, right along the L.A. River in Sherman Oaks there. Anyway, her apartment was red flagged. It was destroyed. She couldn't go back in. Her business, she worked at the Rainforest Cafe on Ventura Boulevard. That was red flagged, too. She had no job, no money, a blown head gasket, an apartment she couldn't go back into. And a dead cat. And a mom that was on a plane coming from Minneapolis. And now she's held up in this crappy house that we're all living in with three roommates. And Mama's coming to stay for five days, and I got some sort of disease. I don't know what it is to this day, but I had ulcers on my face, my tongue. Wait, what? You had shingles, maybe. I had something. You were like Chris Elliott and there's something about Mary? Yes, I had night sweats where I would just sweat, night sweats and ulcers breaking out onto my face and my tongue and my lips, and I was a complete and utter disaster. I have no idea because I didn't have insurance. We didn't have, let's see, who was the president? Let's see, we didn't have Bill Clinton care back then. Oh, no, we're Clinton right now. Yeah, I didn't have any insurance. I didn't have any money. I didn't have anything. She didn't have any insurance. She didn't have any money. And I was just like, I'm sick, but I don't know what. And there's a knock on the door, and, like, the door opened, and it was her mom. And she just looked at me. She's, like, ulcers on my face and stuff, like, standing in my bathrobe, all sweating. You know, the car steaming in the front driveway. And she's like, she didn't hesitate. She's like, what the fuck is going on in here? And I'm like, hey, sweetie, you're staying here for the next, like, five days. So I make the best of it. And she's like, I'm not fucking staying. And she's like, yeah, your daughter's apartment is destroyed. You can't afford it. And we literally threw down on the porch. We got into it. I was in no mood either because I was like, I'm diseased. I have no money. My job is I worked in the basement of a building in Pasadena teaching boxing, and my job shut down temporarily as well. Her job, nobody has any money. Your car is broken. We got nothing. You got a sofa. I got tankers and jankers and things coming off my face. And that was about as bad as it ever got. Wow. It was my bottom. And then you had Jimmy Kimmel and everything was good. I did. He swept out the feet. I literally said, wow, this is, the quake was what, February 94, toward the end of February 94. I was going to turn 30 in May of 94, and I was like, man, you're going to turn 30 and this is it? You've got stuff all over your face and a fat mother-in-law. Oh, not mother-in-law. So what did it have happened to your face? I just went away. I just had all I could do was sit and wait until everything went away. And that's all the good news is I wasn't getting a lot of commercial work. I wasn't going on auditions. There's a lot of voiceover work. Yeah, mostly voiceover, animated, stuff like that. You know, voice of Mercedes. Sure. I couldn't go to my job because my job was red flagged. She couldn't go anywhere. Nobody could go anywhere. Nobody knew who I was, and there wasn't anywhere to go, so I just sat home and sweated all night. Oh, geez. Well, I'm glad you're on the other side of that. Yeah, man. I came out the other side. Yeah, you're doing great. So how did you – who brought up moving out? I did. I was just like – I did the breaking up, and then I was like, well, it's only for – I should move out since I'm doing the breaking up. So I moved out. And, yeah, I live in Brooklyn still. It's good. Things are good. We're fine. What is the appropriate amount of pushback on you moving out? Because I'll help you pack. That's what I want to know. It's sort of an insult. No, it was just, you know, I was just, like, trying to pack. Like, it was, like, a one-bedroom apartment. And so it was kind of like railroad. So, like, you walk in, there's, like, the living room, and you walk down this long hallway, and there's a bedroom in the back. So I was, like, trying to pack as well, like, not moving out. Because, like, he would get home from work and, you know, like, my clothes would be gone from the closet. We just, like, wouldn't talk about it. Like, I just felt horrible. This was my first move out. So I felt really like. Was he heartbroken? We both were. It was, like, really sad. I mean, we were together, like, four years. And I think we both thought we were probably going to get married at one point. So then it just became like, oh, yeah, that's not going to happen. So it's fine. I saw, I've seen St. Elmo's fire. And I know that moving out can be sometimes contentious. But he was okay. He was good. Like you just both realized you got to the end of this relationship. I was a little concerned because you always watch like Dateline. So I was like a woman breaks up with a white guy. He gets upset because he feels entitled and then like the woman's dead. So I was very much like I hope he's not like a crazy white guy. He hasn't shown any crazy white guy tendencies in our relationship. So I was a little cross on that. All right. Now do we need to know what he moves on to in terms of ethnicity? I would like some closure to your dope queen. Yeah, is he moving on to the second queen? Or is he with the white chick because he's checked that box? I don't know. I'd like to find out. He's racially open. We're both racially open people. Okay. So Adam needs to know. As soon as I find out, I will let you know who John dates next. Yeah. Tell him it's for me. Quick question. Adam Carolla needs to know who you're banging. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do because there's a lot of guys I know who have, there's a lot of guys I know like, they're like Asian women. And they just stick with Asian women. Yeah. What am I, oh, this guy. Biggest mistake ever. Is it like yellow fever though where it's offensive? Like, is it like a fetish? Yeah. Is it a fetish or do you think he's actually respecting these women? I've never, I can tell you I like to judge, you know. Great, me too. I like to prejudge. And if you tell me, hey, there's this dude and you haven't met him, I want you to meet him, and he strictly dates Asian women, I probably won't like the guy. Because there's usually, it's like, because you start talking to him and it's like, well, they don't talk. They're real quiet. They're real subservient. Like, they take orders real well. You know what I mean? Like, they're hairless. Okay, that's the point. But what I'm saying is, it's like, usually if that's a dude who has a type of personality, he's looking for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't think it's like, ah, Asian, black woman, whatever. Bring him down. This guy has his... Bring him down? Bring him on down. Bring him on down. What is this, like a yard sale? The ocean starts right. I had a friend in high school named Tom. He was a brother. That was said very white. That was right. He was a brother. He was a brother. Two dope queens. This guy had two misfortunes. He was black, but he was the richest guy I knew in high school. His dad was a hand surgeon. And so we used to go and eat at his house and stuff. But he loved Asian women. That's all he wanted. That's all he wanted. But he won, like, best physique, like, back when they could give those awards out. Wait, this was in high school? They gave out that award? Oh, they gave out, like, most humble bowl and stuff. Most date-rapeable. With package. Yeah, no, they literally had best physique, best, you know, female and male. You know, they had, like, biggest flirt and stuff like that. Like, you'd never get away with those. They had just best looking. We had the most and the least. Like, the biggest guy and the smallest guy. Really? Yes. That's weird. I would never go today. Yeah, that's disrespectful. I don't even know who's the winner in that equation. Yeah. I could make a pretty good argument against being either one of those guys. I got class clown, which I don't even know if they allow that anymore. I think they said clowns. This was. Oh, yeah, the clowns. Clownist. This guy. I got best hair, and that is not a joke. Oh, God. Thanks. But that was an ironic thing. That was. Yeah, I was losing my hair. And everyone brought it for me. Oh, my God. You see, we could never do this anymore. Everyone brought it for me. It's like a picture of the back of my head in the yearbook. Did you laugh? Of course. I'll get on the joke. Okay, good. Okay, good. This guy, Tom, was best physique. Okay. Like, he's just one of these guys with no waist and his all arms, and he lifted weights all the time, and he just was an amazing Adonis. And he could have nailed any black chick or white chick in the school, but he was only focused on Asian women, and that shrunk the pool of potential bonies down to next to nothing. Yeah, I should jump the honors class. And I just talk to Tom like all the time. Like Tom man. Sprickle. Get her. Get her. He's like I like the Asian women. I'm like why are you doing this to you and your cop? Why would you do this to yourself? How did you know you were in the teens? Just go in. Yeah. You're in a buffet. Why just go ahead to sushi? You won best physique. Oh God. In high school. Oh yeah. Get some barbecue. Get some barbecue. Get some barbecue. That's right. Barbecue is black people or white people. How dare you by the way. How dare you by the way. I don't want to know what you are. Maybe that's offensive. No, that black is mac and cheese. I'm sorry for that offensive stereotype. Yeah. Ironically, the white right, not the white people. So, then what about you? We're open to dating, anybody, anything. Yeah. What are you looking for? I think I want someone older. I'm 32, and I dated younger, and I think I need a guy who's, like, late 30s to mid 40s, just, like, grown-ass dude who, like, knows what he wants. Has a job. has a job, has a headboard it's all their important stuff I don't know funny it's always weird because being a funny person someone, I don't know if this happens when you were dating women where women trying to show you how funny they were how cool they were but I feel like I don't know, I was always so tuned out that's so progressive of you I you know I think I think the people back me up I think I'm never really on, but I'm never really off. I'm just sort of whatever you hear, here's kind of what you get. I'm sure, Gene, you get this all the time. People ask, what's Adam like off the air? What's Adam really like? And I was like, he's exactly the same minus about 20%. I just burst into tears and say nothing. Yeah. So I like the sense of humor is great, but it's also kind of like, for me, it's my world is comedy, so I kind of get enough of it. and then I want to go talk about something else. Well, at least they appreciate your sense of humor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's pretty much it. I'm flexible. I'm pretty open. Phoebe, if sense of humor being funny is not important to you, there's a guy named Vinnie Tortors coming in tomorrow who protects all the other boxes you might want to meet. Really? Oh, yeah, he's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He owns his own business. What's his business? What's his business? He's a fitness. He's a superstar. Oh, I need that. That's exciting. That's right. Okay. What does he look like? He's a good-looking Italian guy. A very good, very in-shape Italian guy. There's a nice picture of any turtle. You can hit that. I could hit that. Yeah, he's cute. There you go. All right. There's the body shot. He's very fit. He's too ribbed. I don't think he would. He wouldn't disagree with you on that. I would describe you as beautiful with that new vagina smell. Not all worn out. Can you put that on the back of my book? Yeah. Put that on the back of my book. Yeah, low mileage. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, sure. At 24, it's about as old as losing Virginia, I think, we've had in here in a while. When did you guys lose? Oh, I was 16 and a half or something. Something in there. I was in high school. I was going into the 11th grade, I think. That's nice. Was it horrible? Were you just god-awful? It was literally, yes, yes. Yeah. I was horrible, but I was so consumed with, I have this bad, I have this, I have bad wiring. And my wiring is such that if I were like at the Super Bowl on the 50-yard line, my wiring is, we got to get this game over with so I can go tell people I was at the Super Bowl. Not sit back and enjoy the super bowl. And are you still like that now? Are you still disappointing women now? I have a rich tradition of disappointing women since 1981. Yeah, a tradition of disappointment since 1981. Yeah. Too dope queen. It's on my business card. Disappointing since 1981. No. Yes, unsatisfied customers. Okay, do you, do you, do you, like, go down? Like, are you down to go down? Yeah. And, like, do you give it, like, your all? Oh, my God, it's exciting. That's my wife. Yeah. No, I wouldn't say I give it my all. I don't, I don't. You have a bare minimum? There's a position, I'm sad to say, you get into, like, any relationship, any job, anything, where you kind of think, well, not what do I do to really make this company rich, but what do I do not to get fired? I'm with you. You know what I mean? It's a different setting. You got a pension cover? Yeah. Speaking of, by the way, a nice chasm in, hey, boss, I know you're happy to hear this, out of the same mouth, Nate over at the other shop, who I've used as an example before, because he wrestled, a state championship wrestler in Montana. Wow. And then Gary had the misfortune, I think, one month, one day, I don't know, two years ago or something. I said, Gary went somewhere and then came back. And I said, where did you go? He said, I got my hair cut. And I said, that's for Saturdays. These are work days. And then I walked to the next shop, and Nate had got his hair cut that day. And I said, Nate, you got your hair cut today? He said, yeah, I got it at 8 in the morning before it came in. And I thought, ooh, bad timing for Gary. But funny timing for me, because I was just talking about getting a haircut. And Nate just said this to me. He said, I had my physical. I had my physical here at the office. I don't take time off to go to a doctor and make an appointment and get a physical. They have mobile physicals now. They come right to the office. I can get a lot of work done that way. And they said, okay, I appreciate that attitude, Nate. And he said, and also, I got to cut out early today. And I said, why? He said, I'm in a hellacious poker tournament. I won my last time around at the bicycle club. And I got to get down to Gardena before 1 o'clock because now I'm in the pool to win like millions of dollars. Goddamn, I respect that. But as a boss, I was torn. I like the first part of the conversation with you're getting a mobile physical just so you can physically spend more time. But obviously you have a gambling addiction. And he's tending to, in the middle of the day, you have to head out to Gardena and go finish your gambling addiction. It was a weird, like, I was happy. Mixed signals. Mixed signals. All right. Phoebe is in the middle of her tour. We need to take a break. The book, You Can't Touch My Hair, and other things I still have to explain, available now on Amazon. The podcast, what's the podcast called? Wait a minute. Brian, we'll figure that out. Two dope queens. I'm really self-disgusted. All right, here we go. Two dope queens. There you go, man. I mean, if I go any more urban, it's going to be offensive. That's right. Not an act at that point. Yeah, that's available on iTunes as we speak. And the podcast, so many white guys. Yeah. I think I'm allowed to sound white on that one. Yeah. That's available now as well. So website, phoeberobinson.com is where you go. Phoebe, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. You guys are awesome. I had a blast. A nice little slice. We'll be right back with news and more after this. And now, Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew on the Adam Carolla Show. Dateline, Lee County, Georgia. A 54-year-old man accidentally shot his mother-in-law with a 9mm pistol when the shot ricocheted off an animal, hit a fence, and went through the back door of her mobile home. The shot ricocheted off the back of an armadillo. Definitely not a Jew. Yeah, man. All right, let's see. We've got one more call up there. We've got news and all that to get into as well. Let me just hit Autumn here. Hey, Autumn. Hey, how's it going? Hey, are you Autumn? Autumn the dude? Yeah, my mom wanted a girl. Wow, that's kind of a hippie thing, right? That's our first Autumn. My mom had a marijuana leaf on her senior pitcher on her lapel. God love her. There you go. Oh, yeah. Well, listen, I wanted a Rolls-Royce or Bentley, but I had a Mazda pickup truck when I was 19. But I wouldn't introduce it as anything other than a Mazda pickup truck. Like this thing where it's like I've had this a lot of times. Like I wanted a girl. Right. Then you got a boy, and so you have to alter whatever it is. Auto. Oh, that's crazy. Well, my mom and my dad had a huge bet going whether or not it would be a boy or a girl. My mom was so stuck to her guns that she was going to have a girl. She's like, well, it's going to be named Autumn regardless. That's how confident I am. So I guess I'm – but here's the thing, though. So they had a bet and you lost? You've never met me, but I'm six foot and I can bench 350 and I look like it. So I kind of bailed my parents out. Yeah, a boy named Autumn. It's a Johnny Cash song. And love that song because if you listen to it, it's just a perfect, you ever boy named Sue and you break it down. It's like I knew I was going to be around. I knew it was going to be tough. I knew you were going to have to be tough. No one would ever be able to write that song. A great twist at the end. You'd get tough or die. Yeah. There'd be a song called A Dad Got Sued. It's just you named your son Sue and then he got representation and went back and he became legally emancipated as a minor. and then he got hooked up with Garagus and he sued your ass. That would be the name of the new song that's coming out. All right, so Adam. A boy that sued. A boy that sued. What's on your mind? About a couple months ago, I've been meaning to call and I haven't been getting through. I picked up a marble mosaic in Iowa I drive semi for a living And I took it out Remember that lady was found in the walmart she been there for a couple months i took it to a lumber yard um a couple about a mile and a half from there not even and for the state of california and it was for four different rest areas that are putting on highway one to put these marble mosaics i put i picked up one of four there i think i got the bird i think it was a condor i don't know if California well enough. There was one of a bear and there was two other animals and I got the, I think I got the bird one. You picked it up because that's what you do for a living. Yes, correct. That's what I did. I picked up this marble mosaic and they were telling me it was one of four. I got to see all four designs and it was completely made out of marble because California has that extra money laying around. Did this really just happen or are you just trying to get Gene on a plane to suck your dick? Because this is pretty hot stuff. And ladies, yeah, you familiar with the California Mosaic Series? Yes, of course. Well, they have the bear. Right. Mm-hmm. Condor. Uh-huh. State bird. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm familiar with that. Well, these are mosaics. Uh-huh. I'm getting wrong. Made of marble. Do you mind if I take this off? Yeah, I drive a stake bed, so. You need a mop. Yeah, there's a Johnny Lift on the back, So it's one of those gates that lifts up. So the gate will fold down. Sure. And then I or anyone else who's certified to do it, and that takes almost half a day to get certified, will then take the handle and push it up on the lift, and then the thing goes up. Then we go ahead and have to secure it in the back of the stake bed. I'm sorry. Are you doing anything after this? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, well, I'm moving more mosaics. Oh, keep talking, Daddy. Yeah. Yeah. There's only, by the way, I'm amongst the first people to play. I mean, obviously, there's a group of artisans that put them together and know what they look like. But in terms of the general public, you want a sneak peek, you've got to go through me. Oh, what's it going to take? I'll do anything. That's what I'm thinking, yeah. Anything to get a peek at that condo. 48 hours from now, it will be in place, and millions of taxpayers will be bored and angry, wanting to know, A, what the fuck this is, and B, how much we spent on it. But until then, I'm kind of the gatekeeper. You need to go for it. I want to just open my fly, and you can go ahead and crawl through that. Oh, my God. Just go ahead and crawl through that spider hole. Autumn, is that your life? Well, another expensive thing I did is I picked up the sighting out of Massachusetts, and I took it to Paris Hilton's house in Aspen. That's the other high-dollar thing I've also hauled. Well, at this point, there's really no division between you and Paris Hilton. You're both celebrities. You're both interested in sightings. She might have well driven the truck back. Yeah, yeah. Woo! How big is this mosaic? Because, you see, what we do, here's what we do in California. And they must do them in other states as well. But we have, you know, our educational system is horrible. The roads themselves are horrible. The homeless problem is horrible. The traffic is horrible. and the air is horrible, but we do have, like, a bronze bell that's the size of a one-gallon paint bucket that's up on a bronze stick that lines historic Route 66, and you will be able to see those every four miles, and that we will dump our money into. We line highways well. Yeah, we line highways well, and it's a kind of a, I have this theory, It's sort of like the person that's really down on their luck and fallen from grace and the business has gone belly up and blah, blah, blah. We used to be a celebrity or not, but they dress to the nines. Oh, yeah. They pull up the Tercel around the back of the party and they park it there and then they come around front and they have a Rolex. And it's like you have this thing where it's like you have spats and a Rolex. It's going back to a crappy apartment and a Tercel. Like, we like to go, hey, look how good we're doing. This is what we have by the side of the road. But if you follow the road, you'll land in a pothole and or eventually show up at a homeless encampment. Yes? How big is this bad boy, Autumn? Oh, did he fall off? Did I put him on hold or something? Oh, sorry. I don't want to do it. All right. Oh, sorry. Where is it? Where is it? And how big is it? Each mosaic took a semi because of weight, because, you know, marble is pretty heavy. So all four animals were hauled out of Iowa, took out to California on four separate trucks. I was one of four. So this is the Nina, the Pinto, the Santa Maria, and the Pinta that Peter built. And how big, how large? Where are they in California? Where did we install these things? Like I said, I delivered it to Salinas. I think Gina probably remember that story she gave her. That lady was in the Walmart parking lot for all those months. Oh, that's where you brought that. Yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because of Highway 1, you can't take a semi on there, and that part is restricted. So what we did is we had to go to a lumber yard, and you delivered it to the lumber yard, and they probably paid them money, too, to rent the space, and they took it off. and then the state of California was going to come up there and individual, like, big and platform trucks to pick it up and then haul them down to the various rest areas on Highway 1. I don't even like the idea that we have rest areas. Rest areas, all they are is places to murder and have gay sex, right? Yeah. It comes right down to it. Yeah. And rest. There's also a downside. Yeah. Because if you really just got to take a leak, you just go to the In-N-Out Burger and you get yourself a double-double and squat a load, right? Like, you don't have to. All right. how big though, Autumn? I want to know how big physically these things are like I said I apologize, I don't know the exact dimensions all I know is each one was right around 40,000 pounds and hold on, Autumn this thing was in the back of your rig from Wisconsin all the way to California, right? and you saw it loaded and unload you've got to go to several weigh stations well yeah, I know the weigh, I'm telling you the weigh I'm going to know the weight. Hold on a second. Now you're making me mad. I'm saying, look, there's a TV in the other room. It's in a box. And if somebody said to me, what size is the box? I'd go, it's probably about 36, 38 hind, maybe about 5, 5.5, 60, 65 long. That's what I would say. About. Sure. Because I've seen it. Give or take. I evolved it. Yes. The weight is tough. because things made of marble, we really can't guess the size. I don't know if it's six inches thick or a foot thick. I'm just saying this. The guy who eyeballed it, I want some round numbers on the eyeball. I'm going to do not factor in the weight. Go, Autumn. Sorry. I'm guessing about 40 two-foot by two-foot squares. So it would be a pretty good size. That is quite a mosaic. 42-foot by two-foot squares. Okay. So it's a mosaic, not a mosaic in a mosaic. It is a mosaic. I mean, you assemble the mosaic. All right. 80 by 80? Correct. Did I do the math right? Something like that. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Autumn. I appreciate it. Oh, no problem. Yeah. And brothers, sisters? I have four sisters, yes. Wow. Yep. Oh, you got four sisters and your mom wanted a girl? Probably four younger sisters. I'm the oldest, obviously. My oldest sister is Summer. Then I got Melody. Then Alexis and Callie. Oh. And Callie's middle name is Spring. Does that make you happy? Of course it is. And Mom, hippie, and you're angry at her? No, I love my mom. She's awesome. Okay. Sounded like you were pissed earlier with you. No? Well, no. You're trying to get me to give the exact dimensions. They're in crates. I can't tell how big it's going to be. No, I'm going to get on the ground if they're just crated up. I'm getting salty. What's your mom way? I don't want the dimensions. All right. I think we're going off into the weeds here. Thanks, Autumn. Thank you, Autumn. Thank you, Autumn. That's all right. That's all right. I'm sorry. That's all right. You're good. All right. We're good. All right. We'll get the news ready. We really do appreciate the callers. We do. Brian had his own little line after the show. Oh, look at you. No, it was just the people who were disappointed Gina wasn't there. Oh, that must be it. He had a nice, had his own little, buying his books and getting autographs. Look at you. They're done. Very nice. The coolest part is when people bring the books they've had for a couple years, and they're like, oh, this book was my sign of mine. That's awesome. All right, we'll do the news in one second. First, LifeLock, baby. You hear all the news, right, about the hacked emails? Public officials are getting their stuff hacked. Let's not end up that way, man. Oh, boy. Cybersecurity, you need it. Identity theft, America's fastest growing crime. I have LifeLock. My wife has it. My kids have it. Everybody has LifeLock around here. If you have a problem, and you won't, but if you do, they're U.S.-based, so they'll fix it fast. They don't outsource. It's 2016, everybody. God, so much shopping going on online and so convenient, but pay the fiddler. Just $9.99 a month for LifeLock. That's right. Starts as low as $9.99 a month. And, again, it's like, man, you didn't have cars in the past. Now you have cars. You get a little car insurance, and it's well worth the money. This is a less expensive version of that. All the gas, all the time, everything you save, being able to be out there online. Get yourself some protection, some insurance. LifeLock, just $9.99 a month. LifeLock, Dawson. Go to LifeLock.com or call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code Adam. That's Adam. For 10% off your LifeLock Ultimate Plus membership, call 1-800-LIFELOCK, 1-800-LIFELOCK. All right. Should we do some news, Gina Grant? Let's do it. Let's do it. Give the news with Grad. News with Gina Grad. Show, bitch, Congress, tech and sports news world news. Give me news with Gina Grad. Winshit out of Florida. Sex, survey, so bomb. Meet news with Gina, Gina Grad. The news with Gina Grad. Well, the gloves came off Sunday night when Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump debated in a town hall setting at Washington University in St. Louis. When the question about the tape of Trump making lewd comments came up, Clinton unleashed an offensive connecting that tape to comments he'd made about former Miss Universalist Machado. Trump fired back, pointing out the allegations against Bill Clinton from Paula Jones and Hillary's defense of an accused rapist as a public defender. Now, before we go any further, just in case somebody got hit with something heavy, even living under a rock, let's play the first cut of this audio that was leaked from Act of Hollywood. You haven't done it on the show, so you might as well. The Billy Bush. Yes. Yeah. I've got to use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful. I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. I don't even know. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Whatever you want. Grab them by the pussy. I can do anything. So that came up a lot. That came up over the weekend. No, you know, everyone has to pretend like they've never heard this talk before. No guy's ever done this before. Everyone's going to be outraged. Did anyone grab it? No, it's a weird one. But I never really get a clear shot at this thing. He's cracking up Billy Bush and attempting to go further and is cracking up of Billy Bush, who's probably not laughing for real, but he's doing a sort of courtesy. This guy's doing this laugh, which is egging. I feel like it's egging him on. You got it, man. My man. Yeah, there's an element of that that I never really thought about before, the dudes. But anyway. Actually, just to get out of order for a little bit, I don't know if you obviously didn't have a chance to see any of the SNL skits. I saw, yeah, we saw little bits and pieces of it because, again, we're all over the place traveling and everything. Might as well just throw this in now since we're talking about it. Alec Baldwin is killing it as Trump. I know. So good. Here's a little clip. Can't Gilbert Godfrey get into some kind of trouble so I could get some work? That'd be great. You know what I mean? If only Norm Macdonald was doing some kind of scandal. Yeah. Couldn't. Well, he probably has to do it. Yes, go ahead. Sorry. They had to do this at the last minute for SNL. And here's a clip. Now, these comments have specifically offended women. What would you say to women voters watching this right now? I would say this. Listen, women, if you give me a chance, I promise I can do a whole lot more than just grab it. I can also bop it, twist it, and pull it. So they went on for a while. It was pretty great. Yeah. So anyway. Real quick. or a thought I had when I saw that was Alec Baldwin was killing it. He's hysterical. He's perfect. He's everything that he may have to be. It makes me miss Phil Hartman a little bit. I was just thinking how in his element Phil Hartman would be doing a Donald. He did a great Donald Trump back in the day. He didn't do it that much because he wasn't in the news that much, but he did a great Donald Trump. And Phil Hartman is probably one of the most, in this era of viral videos and stuff like that, he would be everywhere. He's clinking with Alec Baldwin. I do miss that guy, too. Nothing like Alec Baldwin. and he's hysterical, but I'm like, oh, Hardman. Makes you remember. Well, we have a couple of highlights from the town hall debate. In this first clip, moderator Anderson Cooper presses Trump on the newly released tapes. You called what you said locker room banter. You described kissing women without consent, grabbing their genitals. That is sexual assault. You bragged that you have sexually assaulted women. Do you understand that? No, I didn't say that, Anderson. I can't. I know. You can stop it. I know Anderson Cooper doesn't think he's sexually assaulting people. It's sad. Look, he's not... No, Anderson never grabbed anyone by the pussy. No, that is a very fair point. That's a good point. I don't... It's just weird. I have to be in this weird position where it's like, you don't want to defend Trump, but we're all such fucking pussies now. We all pretend everything is everything now. This is bad for Trump, but there is a bit of grandstanding. There's this layer of cake that is a bit of... Yeah, you've got to address this. You have to address it. You have to bring it up. You have to bring it up in the, well, I guess you do. You have to bring this up. But you don't have to essentially accuse him of assault. Well, that's what I was wondering, that it had to get in somehow, and they had to form it in the form of a question. So you did this. Do you understand that? It would seem like the only way to get it in as a question, I feel like. No, I was all right with the question part. I was just at a part where he's like explaining the law to him and asking him if he was a violent felon, basically. It's like, come on, Anderson, just mediate, moderate. Well, Donald did give a lovely monologue about ISIS to explain. That, I thought, was insane. He was a bit rambling. That was a very stupid answer. Yeah. He was smart at a certain point when he just said, look, I just talked about it. Your husband did it. Yeah. That's like, that's your answer. I joke about it. The guy you marry does it, and you defend him and try to throw shade at the women who are accused of doing it. My guests and I. Yeah. VIPs. Yeah. Well, the next clip, Hillary compares her comments to Abe Lincoln. That was something I said about Abraham Lincoln. Oh, I'm sorry. Will you stop it for a second? The question, I apologize, was you basically have said before that you're allowed to give a different answer in private than you'd give in public. So do you stand behind being two-faced? And this is what she said. After having seen the wonderful Steven Spielberg movie called Lincoln, it was a master class watching President Lincoln get the Congress to approve the 13th Amendment. It was principled and it was strategic. And I was making the point that it is hard sometimes to get the Congress to do what you want to do, and you have to keep working at it. And, yes, President Lincoln was trying to convince some people. He used some arguments. Convincing other people, he used other arguments. That was a great, I thought, a great display of presidential leadership. She, by the way, prepared. That's what I was going to say. Now, this is a perfect thing because I don't know what Trump does, but you have to know, other than grab pussy, but you've got to know this question's coming early and it's coming often. So what you need is a sort of prepared, here's what you're going to get. In a way, it's like you're going down the highway, you're swerving, you see the rollers hit on the cruiser behind you. It's Saturday night. Someone's going to ask if you've been drinking. Start. Think out an answer. Work something out. Now, this is that. Now, in that case, you may be drunk and have 28 seconds to come up with something. In this case, you have 48 hours to come up with something. And the something is a pretty simple. The first thing you do is just you do what Hillary does. But you go, look, yeah, that's the way I talk. I'm from New York. It's locker room talk. I was with Billy Bush. I'm sorry I offended anyone. I apologize or whatever. But I talk. He does. Her husband lives it. I'm just talking it. But then he starts rambling into ISIS, which just sounds insane, which is she knew about this. And, Gary, you can help me, but, you know, she was making a speech to donors. I think she probably said something that didn't sound great. And then she prepared for this question and took it and spun it into, you know, I'm able to. A newbie critique. here, which I don't think was, I don't know what the actual, I don't know if she was lying about it or if she was talking to her donors about Abe Lincoln, but whatever it is, Gary can figure it out. It was one of those Mitt Romney things where she said something in front of a group and somebody got it and they spun it into something negative or it was something negative. From the best of my understanding, she was speaking to a group of donors and she was lamenting how hard it was to get something done in Congress. And she was seen as being negative towards her Democratic brothers in arms. Right. But she wasn't critiquing a movie. No. Did Abe Lincoln ever come up? No. No. So she's lying, but good for her. She prepared. She knew this one was coming, and she just did a whole spin of, like, It went from you were talking shit about being two-faced, and you got caught being two-faced. You just spun it into I studied the great Abe Lincoln and how he had this positive. Yeah. And that's where Trump falls short. And then I guess you could really ask yourself, like, see, to me, the Trump where it's like Trump's talking snatch with Billy Bush, I don't care about that because God knows if we miked up JFK, what he would have said back in the day. Or the Founding Fathers. Or whomever. But the part where you're going into one of the most important days of your life, it's 48 hours, literally, it's the heads up you have. This is the biggest, hottest, breaking-est thing in the world. You know Anderson Cooper's going to give you a snow shovel full of it right at the top of this thing. And how you cannot, it's the easiest. I mean, they literally, they have media training. You guys are learning through the HIIT program Bull. Now that they have mock trials and mock jurors. I mean, Oprah went, and that's how Oprah met Dr. Phil. That's what Dr. Phil used to do. He used to, like, coach people up. You can, I've been through it myself. Like, you sit down, they run, they'll do dry runs where they'll start asking you tough questions and stuff like that. On this one topic, just literally go, here is your two-paragraph answer. Commit it to memory. Just commit it to memory and spit this out. Because you're going to get asked, you're going to ask right away. That's all. And don't start weaving into ISIS and building classy walls and things like that. Just on this particular one, just that. Now, the part where he says grab a pussy, not scary to me. The part where he can't foresee this coming, prepare for it, and have some very sober answer that is a little contrite and a little bit, I apologize to my wife and I apologize. Okay. Little thing, give a little pushback toward Hillary with Bill, and then let's move on. I agree with that. The grab the pussy thing is gross and it's offensive and it's all those things. It's not presidential. It's all those things. But the thing that is actually worrisome is, you knew this was coming. You could have very easily prepared for this. This is alarming that you couldn't brace yourself for this. Prepare for it. Dawson did a mashup, by the way, that he'd like to share with us. Well, hold on one second. First, one of our favorite, we do the mashups from time to time. True Car, baby. Yeah, man. You want to buy new? You want to buy used? You want to buy at True Car? They have certified dealers all over the place. So, again, new or used, doesn't matter. Get your price. Get it up front. Lock it in. Find out exactly what everyone is paying real time in your area. And then go get your car. Chris Maxapada did that. I'd do it. They just keep giving me free jacks. What can I say? It's raining jacks. But today that spigot shuts off. I'm heading to True Car. So, again, find out what everyone paid right in real time. Lock it in. No haggling. Go get it. True Car. Users save an average of $3,279 off of MSRP. Buy new. Buy used. Whatever you like. Just visit TrueCar.com. Or you can download the app, True Car app. But TrueCar.com is where you go for all your automotive needs. New or used. True Car. All right, Dawson. You want the two-minute version or the three-minute version? Oh, give us the two. We're running late here. I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I'll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. She was married, Sarah. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, I'll show you where that's some nice furniture. I couldn't get there, and she was married. I moved on her like a bitch. I did try and fuck it. She's your girl's hot as shit. She's now got the big phony bits and everything. She's totally changed her look. Time for me to stay. I did sign, Parker. Whoa. Yes. Whoa. Yes, the double the score. Grabbed by the pussy. Whoa. I moved on her like a bitch. Yes. Whoa. Cheek your girl's hot as shit. Grabbed by the pussy. Yes, the double the score. Grabbed by the pussy. Whoa. I'm moving her like a bitch. Yes. Whoa. Elf. She's your girl's hot as shit. Elf. Grabbed by the pussy. Yes, the Donald is good. Melania is under the pussy. Grabbed by the pussy. Hey, can you help Billy Bush? Come on, Shorty. Grabbed by the pussy. Yes. Whoa. If you had to choose, honestly, there's been one of us. Me or the Donald. No, no, no. That's tough competition. Seriously. You had to take one of us as a date. I have to take a fist on that one. Wow Nice work, Dawson You know, the more I hear him say Grab him by the pussy The more I think of 40-year-old Virgin When he's trying to explain sex Like he's done it before What it feels like for boobs Like wet sand Does it kind of feel like maybe Donald's never Figured it out? I always feel bad For the Billy Bushes in this situation What's all loose side of what a douchebag Billy Bush comes off as? Well, he's the only Bush in this campaign that matters. You can't. Here's the problem, and I'll just let everyone realize this. I don't know a dude if you're hanging around. Look, Donald Trump is bigger than life in real life. He really is sort of this force, you know. And he's coming at you with the hair and the ties, and he's like 6'4 and everything. He's like 270 pounds, you know. And Billy Bush is sort of diminutive. and he'll come at you and he'll go, hey, how am I doing? We're going to knock this out of the park every night. It's going to be the best show ever. Am I right? You just go, oh yeah, yeah. Look, your worst nightmare is being mic'd up because I don't know Billy well but I know what he's doing. He's following his lead. He's like, hey, Donald, I love how I piece ass myself. He's doing what any one of us, I don't know a guy who would go, I know guys who'd reel it in a little. I don't know a guy who would go, stop, that's offensive. I have a daughter. You're making this uncomfortable. You're making this uncomfortable. And as a matter of fact, if we could just pretty much stick to conversation that didn't have to do with a woman or anatomy, because right now, the way you're speaking, it's very difficult for me to continue to stay in your presence. No, every guy I know is just going to be like, yeah. And then he's probably going to go home and tell his wife what a douchebag the guy is. That's right. But every guy will do the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right, yeah, yeah. Woo, yeah, let's get out, but let's get out of here. Do you think, honestly, Billy Bush remembered this incident? Like when someone was like, hey, there's tape? He was like, what? No. I have no idea. I've been miked up a thousand times, and I've stood around and had conversations. It would be hideous conversations with people all the time. But that is Billy trying to just kind of getting caught up in his atmosphere and not wanting to have an uncomfortable, weird moment. I would say there's less than 1% of guys who would go, and you'd have to be deeply religious to go, I have a mother, I have a daughter, and I'm married, and I really don't appreciate the tone you're using. We all pretend that's what we would do. Tim Tebow, let me tell you some stories. Maybe Tebow. Yeah. But other than that, no. Well, and right when this came out, they said Billy Bush's job is safe and he's going to issue an apology. And then they said he got suspended. NBC suspended him. Why? From the Today Show. Was he on both? From the Today Show. I don't feel. I mean, first off, I got news. We're getting pretty slippery here when people mic people up. I mean, we're getting into some really scary territory here where somebody hangs a boom mic on your Saturday poker game with the fellas, and you had a few beers, and then plays the tape for the boss, and then you get suspended. Like, this is getting into some weird territory here. Well, like D'Angelo Russell for the Lakers. Oh, with the MVP? Yeah. He's talking some extramural affairs. The part where somebody grabs it and throws it out there all over everywhere all the time is punishment enough, by the way, for Billy Bush. In terms of his punishment, he's got a wife. He's got kids now that are probably – find out, Gary, but I'll bet he has teenage kids or kids that are old enough to hear what daddy's going through. He's certainly got a woman that's probably not happy. He's being punished at home. He's also Bush, by the way. He's George H.W. Bush's nephew. Oh, that's right. So there's that, too. There's that, too, but the notion of... I did not know that until just now. You are being mic'd up, and you're off camera, and this is a private conversation you're having, and we're allowed to take this and use it to discipline you from 15 years or 10 years ago or whatever it is. I don't know, people. Is that really where you want to go as a country? Well, it's just crazy. Doesn't it feel like we're going in two directions at once? I mean, we're seeing it happen in live time. Donald says crazy things and grabbed by the pussy and rapists, Mexicans, and we're all clutching our pearls at other things and firing people. So one's okay, one is. Like we're going in two different directions at once, it feels like. Yes, I agree. And I just feel like Billy Bush, who's been married since 98, so he could have some teenage daughters. And believe you me, he's getting his punishment. We don't need to yank him off. As a matter of fact, you need to have him on and talk about it. I agree. All right. Well, Trump then said he's going to look into Hillary's e-mails if he's elected. This is when things got a little dark. I didn't think I'd say this, but I'm going to say it. And I hate to say it. But if I win, I am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation. Because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. There has never been anything like it. And we're going to have a special prosecutor. When I speak, I go out and speak. The people of this country are furious. I felt about this debate, but you guys tell me. The first one, I think the consensus was that Trump got out of the gate okay and then just wilted, stumbled and just kept stumbling on. Like the first 15, 20 minutes seemed to be pretty good, and then the last hour and 10 just blah. This one, when I saw him get out of the gate with the ISIS thing and as it pertains to this grabbing pussy, he got out of the gate. And I was like, oh, boy, now this one, we're not going to spend 30 seconds. But I felt like he corrected, and I actually felt like the second part, he was better in this one than that. And I had said, I was trying to think, if I was to break them down, I would probably say that on the first debate, if it was sort of 50-50 was a tie, I'd probably give Hillary like a 70-30, 65-35 kind of thing. And on this one, I'd probably give like a 55-60-40 in Donald's favor on this one. I don't know what it means to not to win a debate by no's, but this one I felt he did better at. In my opinion, I think he did much better. I think that's why everyone thinks he did so well, quote-unquote. way better than the first time, but I don't know if anyone really won. I can't believe you guys came out just feeling kind of icky. Like it was the whole thing. I think Twitter won. If you were on Twitter, there were some decent jokes getting. But Donald had some good jabs that, you know, they said, stay quiet. No noise, no cheering, no booing. But after the email conversation, he got this jab in. It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in our country. Because you'd be in jail. Secretary Clinton. There you go. A lot of people talking about that. It's maybe the forum, the town hall, maybe it's a little better for him. Maybe he's better walking around and having an honest feed. All the talk going up to it was, this is not going to be his forum. This is not his forum. He's used to talking about big crowds. That was the talk anyway. The analysts were saying that. He did better. And it's interesting that you guys thought he was better in this one. I actually thought it was the opposite. I thought Hillary stayed quiet enough to just let him shine his own spotlight on what a caricature he was being. So I found it much harder to take him seriously this time as opposed to the first debate. I don't know. Like I said, I got out of the gate real rough with that tying in the pussy with the ISIS thing and then seemed to correct course, got in a couple of decent jabs. And I don't know. I don't know what the consensus. What are the experts, the pundits? I haven't heard anybody or listened to anyone. And the pundit said Hillary won the first one, and Donald sort of presented himself okay. I've seen it go both ways. Me too. Same thing. And let me go, he did better. He did better than he did the first time. Oh, yeah. Well, at the very end, it was sort of adorable. The last question they took, even though they were stretched for time, Hillary, Donald, please say one thing nice about each other. Say one thing you respect in each other. Hillary went first, and this is as much as she could muster. I respect his children. His children are incredibly able and devoted, and I think that says a lot about Donald. I don't agree with nearly anything else he says or does, but I do respect that. And I think that is something that, as a mother and a grandmother, is very important to me. And finally, here's what Donald respected in Hillary. She doesn't quit. She doesn't give up. I respect that. I tell it like it is. She's a fighter. I disagree with much of what she's fighting for. I do disagree with her judgment in many cases. But she does fight hard, and she doesn't quit, and she doesn't give up, and I consider that to be a very good trait. That was actually kind of nice. I've always said that about Trump, too. Kids. I follow a former guest of the show, Soledad O'Brien, on Twitter, and she was very adamant that, no, because a lot of people were like, oh, all she could do was, you know, compliment his kids. But she was like, no, no, when you compliment someone's kids, that's very much a compliment to the parent. So I thought that was insightful. That's a good way to put it. I'm sure she was ready for that one, too. Probably. Yeah. It's good on both. It's strategic. You don't have to say anything nice about the person to their face. Yeah. Well, when's the last time two candidates came out and didn't shake hands? So it started off chilly to begin with. Hillary was like, no thanks. Can we talk for a second about the Mike Pence moment? Oh, I should have grabbed that clip. Oh, do you remember that when they were asking about Syria, right? Yes. And they were asking Donald Trump. He basically said, your running mate feels this way. He's like, well, we haven't spoken, but we disagree. Yeah, I don't agree with him. We haven't spoken. That was awesome. It was a real under-the-bus kind of moment. And there was a lot of talk from Donald about this isn't fair, this isn't fair, you're giving her time, you're cutting me off. But just FYI, at the end of the day, I believe Donald talked for 40 minutes and 10 seconds and Hillary talked for 39 minutes and 5 seconds. But there was a lot of talk that he kept getting cut off, but apparently that wasn't so. Listen, if you're like a Hillary advisor, you're like, look, Donald talked for 41. 40 minutes, 10 seconds. 40, you talked for 39. Let's correct that. Let's get you down around 25. Let's get him up around 55, sweetie, because the more that guy runs his mouth. What are your numbers? Yeah, you talking. I mean, for her, it's just, you know, I just, all I did is wrote down. She said that she wanted to celebrate diversity twice in the first, like, 11 minutes. And I'm just like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. You want to celebrate diversity? Three nine minutes of talking weren't packed with a lot of plans. But also, I don't even know what, first off, shut up. I don't even know what that means. We have a black president. and everyone's fine in this country. Everyone just go to work. We don't have to celebrate. You're kind of black guests. By the way, I don't want to. Yes. No, I'm good here. What I'm saying is we're diverse. We don't need to work on celebrating it. We just need to work on everyone raising their families and working hard and playing by the rules and paying the taxes and staying in school and being respectful of the law enforcement and all that. We don't need to keep. And I don't even really know, as a president, how you can mandate a celebration of diversity. I don't even know what it really means. I don't know what that means, but that's all she wants to do. So it's fine. And she's in this great position where she can just spit out platitudes and then let Donald just run off the rails, and she's going to win. She's like a Chip Kelly offense. She doesn't let the ball that long. She wants to throw it quick and go back on defense. I sound like Lynetic. Okay. All right. Should we bring it home, or what do you got? Before we bring it home, this isn't a great picture, but did everyone notice Dagg in the background? Yeah, David Alan Greer was not having it. He was very angry the whole debate. This is a terrible picture. I'm sorry. I'm looking for a better one. But there were some crystal clear shots of him, and he looks like Dagg with comical makeup on. There was a lot of those comments on Twitter. I did see this, and I was trying to think. I was like, did I see him? I don't know how much time you spent on Twitter. I was on there pretty much the whole time. Does the name Ken Bone ring a bell? Kenneth Bones. Oh, I love him. We miss you a lot of Kenneth Bones on Halloween. Yeah, and he was this, somebody described him as a guess who card from the game. If you have kids, you might know. But he was the one everyone was talking about. I can't believe it. I saw him on TV today talking about his outfit choice. He had an olive suit that he said would have made his mother very proud, but he had gained 30 pounds and didn't realize it and slit his pants. What? So he put this on. He was adorable. He has a great question about climate change, but he became a meme immediately. And I just, I loved him. I'm looking at him right now, and it just leapt to my mind. This is the guy with the glasses and the mustache. The old Brian, the heavier Brian, if he had some hair. If he had a little hair. What? No, the old, I said the old Brian. No, no, the guy he reminds me of. Son of a bitch. I did a movie called Wreck-It Ralph, and there was the guy who, like, managed the apartment building. Oh, my God. It was like the character that was the manager of the apartment that Ralph was going to wreck. That's right. And he was, like, throwing a party, and he didn't want Wreck-It Ralph to show up and whatever. And if you find that guy, I think... King Candy. No, no. No, no. This is not in the film. He's a minor character, but he's, like, the apartment manager. Oh, Candy. This was also... This became a mean last night, Adam. That character, that was... Oh, it did? Yes, I've got to find it. Oh. A few people did it. Oh, good. You're not alone. I fucking love Wreck-It Ralph. Yeah, that's the exact picture that's been going around. Yeah, we're looking around. All right. So this, by the way, is why I've never accused anyone of ripping off a joke of mine. Because we're human beings. We have the same thoughts. Sure, someone thought of that. And I had the same thoughts that someone else had the thought of. So who's ripping who off? All right. Who's zooming who? You ready to bring it home? You got it. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news. Grab and let it push you. Gina Gina. That was news with Gina Grad. All right. Castrol, man. Castrol Edge. Today's smaller engines under a lot of pressure. That's right. I got a smaller engine. We're going out to Austin. We're going to Dallas, and then we're going to Austin, and I'm figuring out what car I'm bringing for the vintage race at Coda, Circuit of Americas. Yeah, F1 track. Exciting, man. State-of-the-art facility. Anyway, thinking about bringing the BRE 510. Now, it's got a 1.8-liter motor in there, and it's stressed out because we're trying to wring it out, get some horsepower. Grabbing by the pussy. That's why we use it. Oh, damn. I'm sorry about that. That's all right. I'm sorry about that. I'll just get it in the post. That's why we use Castrol Edge, man, made with liquid titanium technology. Three times stronger against viscosity breakdown than the full synthetic. Not mixed, not blend, not the organic stuff, but full synthetic. Three times better against viscosity breakdown. So Castrol Edge, titanium strong for maximum engine performance. Make your next oil change. A castral edge change. Do we have a question up there? We do. We have a hashtag castral challenge question from Desert Mofo. I have a high-mileage vehicle with a small amount of smoke coming out of the exhaust pipe. Will heavier grade oil help? Is that a thing? Well, they have the grade, the viscosity, whether it's thinner or thicker. Usually, if you're burning something, like smoke, and it depends. See, there's different color smoke. There's black smoke and there's blue smoke. One means you have a new Pope. Yep. You pick the new Pope. Yeah, one means that sometimes if you're smoking an engine, it means you're burning some oil, and it means maybe the seals on the valves aren't so good. Could be a number of things that happen when you get a high-mileage car like that. But I think a little thicker viscosity will mean a little less leakage and thus a little less burning. That's right there. It's probably time to start thinking about a new ride. That's true. Anyway. All right. Should we get out of here? Did we get out of here? Let's do this. Anaheim, October 28th at the Grove with Milo Yiannopoulos out there. So come out and see us. and also aforementioned Dallas in November 4th at the Majestic Theater and then Austin, the Paramount Theater on the 5th. That's beautiful. That's in November. Live shows everywhere coming up, and we'll do the meet and greet with the chive and all that after the Austin show. Only a couple hundred tickets available to that. I talked to those guys today. Endless rant everywhere. Don't forget to click through our Amazon banner. Keep the pirate ship afloat. Until next time. Oh, Reasonable Doubt. You want to check that out? That's tomorrow? No. Sorry, Saturday. That's Saturday with Steve Krohn. That's Paula Poundstone's attorney. You told us about this over the weekend. Yeah. Some interesting revelations. Yeah, remind me. I'll get into it a little bit tomorrow. That's what I thought. It's available now if you want to check that out. So, until next time. This is Adam Carolla for Phoebe Robinson. Gina Graham and Bob Ryan staying. Mahalo. Two dope queens. Alright, this is Adam Gullish from 1923. That is his weekend's parole classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all-new installments. Until then, mahalo, and get it on. We'll see you next time.