Monique Marvez “When The Schlong is Too Long”

Well, in this episode, Monique Marvez is back, bringing the comedy. Also, we'll do the news with Dawson, and we'll do that right after this. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from The Adam Carolla Show. Prediction markets talk outcomes. BetOnline puts odds behind them. For decades, bettors have trusted BetOnline for accurate lines, deep prop markets, and real money action across every major sport. Get the latest odds, live props, in-game betting, and expert pricing throughout the season and beyond. And when you're ready for a different kind of thrill, BetOnline Casino delivers nonstop action and premium rewards. Don't guess with the crowd. Bet with the book that's been doing it right for years. BetOnline, the game starts here. Thanks for tuning into the Adam Carolla Show. You can watch the full show on YouTube. Just search Adam Carolla Show and hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. You can also get the podcast wherever you like to listen. 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Sign up for your one euro per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.nl. That's Shopify.nl. It's time to see what you can accomplish with Shopify by your side. From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is The Adam Corolla Show. Adam's guest today, Monique Marvez. Plus the news with me, Mike Dawson And now, Adam Carolla Yeah, get it on Got to get on Get it on Monique Marvez, very funny stand-up comedian Back in studio Live dates all over the place I'll tell you about some of those In a moment or two Good to see you again, Monique My pleasure, I was looking at your sign Where you're gonna be My dad was a fanatic I used to go to Sebring when I was a child in the 60s You went to Sebring. 24 hours of Sebring, many times. My father would wake me up at dark 05, and we would drive up to Sebring. Well, I don't want to correct you or your dad, but you couldn't have gone to the 24 hours of Sebring. Why not? Because it's the 12 hours of Sebring. Okay. Well, whatever the thing is, we'd have to sit there forever. Yeah, because you'd be six in the morning until six at night or whatever it was. Yeah, and it'd be dark and cold. It'd be dark and cold. Sebring's in Florida. Middle. It's a track, but it's an airport. Basically. It's an airport track. I guess it's like a sort of a road course, but it's flat because it's a thing. And people, they're dedicated tracks like Laguna Seca and Road Atlanta. They're tracks. They go up. They go down. Sebring is flat because it's an airport. And they do it as a street course, like they do the Long Beach Grand Prix. It's a street course. You know what I mean? Vegas is a street course. I'd be curious to know if in the 60s they ever did it longer than 12. I'd be curious. Oh, you can look it up. Because you didn't know about Vince Champs, the serial rapist, until I brought it to your attention. The answer is going to be no. Okay, fair enough. It'll be the 12 Hours of Sebring. And I have a car. So I got the Newman. Now, you're looking up at the Newman cars, which are going to be in Santa Ana, their new home, the Jordan family classic cars. And all 13 cars will be there. We'll be doing a lot of live podcasts there. But one of the Newman cars that's there is a car that won outright at Sebring. It won. It didn't win its class. It won the race at Sebring. Yeah. Wasn't Newman driving it. It was after Newman drove it. But it won Daytona outright. It won Sebring outright. And it won Le Mans in its class. So it went to all that. But your dad would get you up to go see the 12 Hours Sebring. And who – would you be there for 12 hours? Oh, absolutely. And then he would go and stand by the track to see the people. And, you know, it was like when people follow baseball and they watch – we have that in Florida too. But my dad liked racing. So when I did radio in Indianapolis, I brought him up to go to the Indy 500. Great spectacle. Unbelievable. I would say the Indy 500 is a lot like the Kentucky Derby in that you really don't need to be into horses. You can be there for the spectacle of it. But now what years do you figure you went to the 12 hours of Sebring? Well, I was born in 62, and I have a ridiculously long memory. So I'm going to tell you 66, 67, 68, 69. So we moved to North Miami and my dad's life got busier. I think you can look this up, Dawson, but I have a recollection of the late, great Steve McQueen winning, maybe coming in second overall at Sebring, driving a Ferrari with Mario Andretti when that would have been 68, 69, somewhere in there going into him making the movie Le Mans. So you may have seen the great Steve McQueen as a kid. Trust me, this is my childhood. Really? When you talk about these things, it warms my heart. 70. He won or came in second. 70. With a cast on his foot. Timothy Chalamet would not do that today. Today's actors are not the old school actors. Oh, Peter Repson was his co-driver? something's wrong. There's a Mario Andretti. I think there's a Mario Andretti. Maybe it's not. But he drove for Ferrari. A Ferrari. Peter Revson was a popular drive. From the Revlon family. Oh man, the stuff you know. That's why I love being on here because knowing it's no fun if someone else doesn't know that you know it. Oh yeah, Mario Andretti won and Steve McQueen came in second with Peter Revson of the Revlon family, back when, you know, rich guys would go racing. Absolutely. And Revson, I think, died in a plane crash not that long after that. We had a Miami Grand Prix in Miami in the 80s. Very short-lived, kind of a financial disaster. But it was fun. They shut down downtown Miami. Yeah, McQueen's left foot was in a cast from a motorcycle accident. You got the fucking car. Anyway, by the way, pre-fiber glass cast, old school cast. How do you shift? Paper mache. Is the clutch closer to the pedal? You can use one foot? He's probably using his foot to get out of the pits. And then he's probably shifting without the clutch. He's like rev matching with his right foot on the throttle and popping it into downshift. If you rev match, you can drop it into that gear and you don't need the clutch. I have no idea. That's what he's doing. My dad had an MG and he would let me change gears. Like I would sit in the passenger seat and he'd say, now, and I would get to change gears when I was a little kid. Your dad got a lot of living in, didn't he? Oh, my dad, when I was a little girl, he'd say, I'm going to live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. And I'd say, how are you going to do that? You're not good looking now. But he was amazing, and he exposed me to so many things that in the 60s and early 70s, dads didn't do with little girls. No. I'm so grateful. And he gave me amazing advice. The best piece of advice I would pass on to any human, not just a girl, my dad said, Monique, one day you're going to be broke. One day you're going to be brokenhearted. Make sure it's not the same day. Oh, man. I think there'd be quite a contrast between your father and my father in terms of how they approached life. Because I don't think – here's how – I will tell you how different your dad and my dad would be. I participated in the Toyota Grand Prix as a driver celebrity race five times. I won two times. I won once as a celebrity and then once in the pro division. My dad, who lived in Altadena, where's the track? You know what? Let's try. Oh, you know, at the time, he was in North Hollywood, probably. Let's see Studio City closer. Dawson, miles from Studio City, California to Long Beach, California. My dad lived, I'm going to guess, 23 miles from the track. It was always on a Saturday, and my dad's never worked a Saturday, and he never went to one of those races. Wow. That's an incredible disdain for racing, I would say. Well, it's not just racing, but who cares about the race? His son is doing something. I would enjoy, and, oh, it's 38 miles. So, anyway, under an hour drive on a Saturday. By the way, I drove in every, I didn't, like, stay there. Every time I did, I just slept in my house, got up in the morning and drove out there. It's a 47-minute drive on a Saturday. Never been to one. Did he go to your comedy shows or anything? No. He didn't go to any stuff of any kind, ever. People would walk up to my dad after shows at the Miami Improv when I was just starting out. And they would say, you know me, everything I say is no hyperbole. People would walk up to my dad, Mr. Marvez, you must be so proud. Your daughter's bright or funny. Whatever they'd say. this is my dad's answer. Monique was a fully formed demigod by the age of seven. That's what he would tell people and they would compliment me. So going to Sebring, going, by the way, yes, Newman did participate in the Miami Grand Prix because they, it was even in a Miami Vice, I think, opening or episode. Oh, absolutely. They would show the race. The track. And he rode. So what they would do is the Trans Am division where Newman was racing, not the Trans Am cars, everybody. Everyone drives me nuts. I go, Newman drove his Nissan 300 in Trans Am. He drove a Trans Am? No, no. He drove a Nissan in Trans Am, the series Trans Am. They have all different kinds of cars. Like smoking the Bannock? No, no. He drove an Oldsmobile Cutlass in the Trans Am series. There was Oldsmobile Trans Am? Like, I realize people don't listen at all. That's why no one fucking knows anything. But he was racing in that Trans Am race in Miami. And his best friend and driving partner who drove the other Nissan Z, Jim Fitzgerald, died in that race. Oh, wow. Yeah. In, I don't know, 86, maybe 87. But but Newman was driving and your dad was probably down there watching Newman. Absolutely. Absolutely. He was you know, my dad was an immigrant. He was Venezuelan and he embraced American culture. You know, sometimes an immigrant is just so happy and delighted to be here. my dad just embraced American culture Elvis like Ilhan Omar oh wait a second she fucking hates this country she wants everyone to be Somali and wear a do-rag I love guys like your dad I love the people who come here and go this is the best place ever and I love it and I despise the ones who come here and talk shit about this country it drives me nuts and I tell people because I'm not an openly political person. I'm a private person. But I say there's a difference between politics and patriotism. Not only am I patriotic, and I've done a bunch of USO tours, and I've been to Iraq. I'm openly, avidly patriotic. Good. Like I was just in Disney. I dragged a friend to the American Adventure in Epcot. It's an older film. It's been there for a minute. This is going to make you either love me or think I'm crazy. I have seen that 40 times. I grew up in Florida. We went to Epcot every year. I have seen the American Adventure at least 40 times. I cry every single time, Adam. Listen, it's now having an American flag wave or cheering on the men's hockey team makes you into some sort of MAGA far right whatever. It's insanity. It's insanity. It's not right. It's not right. You can be patriotic and have nothing to do with Donald Trump or MAGA or whatever. Absolutely. All right. But it was hijacked. Andrew brought this up to me. I brought up yesterday, or sorry, several days ago, I was bringing up Hyena's Comedy Club and how they misspelled my name. They spelled my name correctly, and then just below it, literally a quarter inch below it, they put my name again, which was unnecessary, but spelled it completely differently. Is this Texas Hyenas? This is Texas Hyenas. And it's still there? I don't know. We'll have to grab a screenshot, or I'll put it up for you, or whatever that is. Hilarious. Now, did you approve that promo picture? I know everyone just takes everything. But we'll blow it up. Sorry. Go the other way. Sorry. Were you heavier then? That's not a great picture of you. I have no idea. They just took a picture. They do that with me, too. They'll pick the worst picture ever off of some social media and then put it as my headshot. They always take the worst one. All right. That's hilarious. All right. It's C-O-R-O-L-A. They messed up two letters. They messed up the A and another L. And it's directly beneath my name, which is spelled correctly in bold. So I have no idea what we're doing. I have no idea why. But supposedly the same person wrote this thing and typed it up. All right. Anyway, I marvel. I just marvel at it. Oh, by the way. All right. So then, by the way, here's the weirdest misspelling of all time, which now is going to bring us full circle. And then Andrew pointed out to me earlier today that the New York Post did something on me. And they spelled my name Adam Carolla, bizarre plan to fix Mexico permanently by bringing in Israelis. All right. They spell Adam Carolla C-O-R-R. So they got an extra R and an O. And then O-L-L-A. It's almost like Corolla. Are you Puerto Rican now? No. Yeah, I am now. Yeah, I tell you. So then I know his best. And then at the bottom, right under the bold, my name completely jumbled, it says conservative comedian, which, again, you can just say comedian because no one ever says progressive comedian. They just go comedian. conservative comedian and podcaster Adam Carolla now spelled correctly two inches below the butchering of my name. What is going on? Is it a concentration thing? Everyone is completely checked out. I've realized that people can't pay attention. There's no proofreading anymore. There's no I was in journalism class in high school and we had to proofread everything. And, you know, even now I read emails out loud because that's how you catch mistakes. Yes. I would tell everyone all the time who would hand me copy to read on the air, live reads. I'd go, read it out loud. Read it out loud. They'd go, well, it's all good. I'd go, you'll hear it when it's wrong. Full circle. And it's in the computer somewhere, Dawson, but good luck with this one. When you do the Toyota Grand Prix, at the end, you get a little gift bag, you know, I don't know, a mug, a towel, or whatever. They give you a little die cast model of the car they raced. It's seven inches long and four inches wide. It's like a little size of a sandwich. And they give you a little model of your car and they put your number on it and they put your name on it. Because in the race, your name's on the bumper and it's on the windshield, across the windshield. My name is spelled two different ways on that seven inch car. And somebody had to apply it. You don't go buy that car. You have to take the little letters off and stick them, hand stick them and print them out and put them on that car. It is spelled two separate ways on the same car two inches away from one another. There's pictures of it in the computer because like 10 years ago we did it. And the car is here somewhere. It's like in the back or whatever. But is that nuts? I don't. Your name is not terribly challenging. I agree, but as I was yelling about, I'm looking at your last name, it's fairly phonetic and it's pretty easy, but I would never assume I could spell it. I would just look it up. I get Montez Marquez. I mean, I've had my name at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'll never forget it. A dear friend of mine now, Andrew Gross, completely butchered my name. He called me like Monica Montez or something. You know, in front of 2,000 people in a theater at an event at Montreal. I was like, okay. The other thing I was ruminating on, not to do with this, but California rules and all the red tape that people complain about. I was trying to get a property appraised, a home appraisal. and things involving property and mortgages and buying homes and stuff. Like I bought my first home out here late 96. There was probably about seven or eight pages I need to sign. I bought a home six months ago out here. There were 145 pages. and by the way multiple pages in multiple places of did not discriminate against a realtor because of the color of their skin or their sex or their sexual proclivities like i ate of a pages were just somehow some sort of race discrimination fucking lawyers and bureaucrats and the shit just keeps getting thicker and people go what's wrong with that it gums up the works it makes things more difficult than they need to be and it also costs money these guys who are going to appraise this house which is being worked on to get refinanced need in the appraisal smoke detectors and i'm like what does smoke detectors have to do with the appraisal just go appraise the fucking house by the way the house could be in any shape it's in you know what i mean It could be half knocked down. Just that's what it's worth. What the value is. What the value is. No, you have to have smoke detectors because I guarantee that's a law. It's a lawyer. It's a bureaucrat. It never existed. I've had a million places. My mom had the thing. We had to change out all her smoke detectors before she could sell her house. Oh, really? We went through that in NorCal. Another law. Another law. But I get maybe the change out before you sell the house. But before you appraise it? No, that's crazy. That's crazy. And it's when people go, it's too expensive to build in LA and the homelessness and they can't build affordable housing. This is all part of that rigmarole of why they can't do anything. I agree. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, there are a lot of women in my life, especially one, who inspire me with what they can do. And with International Women's Day right around the corner, I want to acknowledge that it's probably difficult to carry so much. And no matter how anyone seems on the surface, sometimes therapy can help lighten the load. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. They have questionnaires in place that will help you find the right fit so you can focus on your goals. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. It's BetterHelp, right, Dawson? Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Corolla. That's BetterAGLP.com slash Corolla. and ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Pluto TV stream now, pay never. Okay. I think what, what challenges me and I'm missing parts. I always say I'm like Ikea furniture. Like, you know, there's parts on the instructions that didn't go in and you're nervous. Yes. One of the reasons that I'm not openly political on either side is because everybody plays dirty pool to their own agendas and if anybody says no but this these people are nicer than those people i i have a very hard time because i'm a critical thinker let's just cut to the chase you know what is absolutely positively necessary to get something done let's start with the absolutely positively necessary i agree and then if we need to layer some a little bit a little bit but everything has to be mystified and esoteric so that people can just justify themselves, their position, what they do. You know, the fact that you're a podcaster, if somebody says, what does Adam do? I drive cars, I'm a podcaster, I'm on the radio. Those are three legitimate things. You can point to a microphone, you can point to a car. When I'm at a party and I ask somebody what they do, and they're like, I'm in financial products, if you can't, I don't even want to talk to people that can't point to something and say, I did that. You know, my father's an architect. I'm a comedian. Like, you know, I'm very challenged by all of these – the only word I can think of is esoteric, ethereal, non-real, made up, BS. Like, what do you do? What do you really do that helps another human being? Yeah, I mean, you don't need to help another being. You could – I mean, you could – But I mean, your job is to – You could make saddles. I don't really care. I just want something. But that helps somebody. They want to ride a horse. Well, yeah. I guess you're right. They want to ride a horse. That's what I mean. Goods and services. Yeah, I'm with you. I don't like the I don't really do anything people, especially there's a lot of people who make a ton of money not doing anything, which is crazy. But I actually – so, Dawson, there's no picture of that car in the computer anywhere. Well, we didn't label anything, by the way, so it doesn't really matter. But that New York Post article what did it say is the question Did it screw up my idea of moving all the Jews to Mexico and getting them out of Israel And we'll see if they'll see. A lot of times they fuck up the idea, too, not just the spelling. Well, real quick, how the Corolla Corolla mistake can happen. You know how no one drives well anymore because they're texting the entire time. Maybe there should be a campaign of no texting while you're writing an article. I don't know how we're going to enforce it, but I'll try. And let's be honest. Things have changed, too, since the legalization of marijuana because it's not as detectable as alcohol. Everybody is so fucking dumb and stoned. If you're on alcohol, I can smell you. Your eyes are, you know. But if you're chewing gummies or whatever, I talk to people and I feel like both oars aren't in the water. Oh, they just ran a clip from my podcast on there. Okay, that's fine. I get it. You can take it down unless they... Were they showing a clip, Andrew? Is that what I'm to believe? They're just running the clip on their website? No, they just transcribed what you said in the podcast. Okay, well, that's fine. They just transcribed it. All right, next thing I wanted to get into. There was this big thing with the LAUSD school board where there's like a billion dollars. They're constantly being sued because they have these pedophile teachers and they can't get rid of them. Because the union, the school board union, the teachers union is so powerful that they literally can't fire horrible teachers. And once they get caught in pedophilia, so they take them and they shift them to the shitty neighborhoods where the people don't complain. like speak Spanish mostly and the kids, you know, mom and dad work all day. They literally take the shit teachers and they ship them off to where the poor people are. Like the Catholic Church used to send bad priests to Arizona. Right. And then they continue, except for now, with people that can't lawyer up sort of situation. But I was and I'll play the clip, the news clip, and I'll and then I'll tell you my solution. OK. The L.A. Unified School Board is borrowing another $250 million in bonds to settle claims of sexual misconduct. These latest bonds are in addition to the $500 million authorized less than a year ago. This is according to the L.A. Times. The extra money is needed because of a bill that extended the statute of limitations for filing civil lawsuits regarding childhood sexual abuse. The total cost, including financing, is expected to exceed a billion dollars. The money will be paid out of the district's general fund over the next decade or so. By the way, I love that notion that we just got to raise taxes so we can cover all these expenses. Like, how about we reel it in a little with the molestation and the lawsuits and the bullet train to nowhere and the fraud and the daycares and all of that? How about we tighten our belt a little bit instead of asking everyone for fucking more money every 10 seconds? but there's a problem and i i've realized it which is um oh yeah when karen bass gets sued by the la fire department chief because of how she mismanaged a fire whatever she'll sue karen bass and then we'll end up paying the the fire chief the money karen bass not paying the money we'll we'll pay the money to to her well here the reality is we whatever you want to put in air quotes always pay the money. Yes. And here's very interesting. I used to be on KFI. I did a talk show on KFI. I know it well. And thank you. Well, the station, maybe not my show. No, I know your show. I would listen to it. Thank you. I'd listen to it on the weekend. Thank you. I'm honored. Was it Saturday? Yep. Wow. I really am flattered and honored. I'm going to go Saturday early evening is when I would later, you know, start at five or six or something. Mind blown. But here's the upshot. When I In 2013, I would have conversations, heated conversations with Robin Bertolucci, the program director, because I told her, I said, look, people get their news on their phone. They want opinions. They want people to break it down for them. You know, getting your news on the radio doesn't happen anymore. It's just radio was challenging because as comedians, we see things coming down the pike before radio people see them putting the car in gear in the driveway. So I remember because I would say I want to talk about phenomena. I want to talk about things where you're going to remember that moment and say that. And there was a story, Adam, where a young woman called a teacher who had molested her years earlier. It was past the statute of limitations. and she called the teacher and she recorded and videotaped herself talking to the teacher and saying, why did you do that to me? And the teacher was like, you were special. It was a full-on conversation where the teacher pretty much admitted it, but took it out of the context of molestation. It was young girl to woman. Leopards don't change their spots. Sorry, young girl to woman. To a woman, meaning it wasn't a male teacher. It was a female who had molested a young woman. Okay. And the woman had continued to get promoted. And by the time the YouTube – The teacher. The teacher. By the time the YouTube video went viral, the teacher was a – I want to say San Bernardino principal. She was a principal. And within a few days, all the laws of like you can't record somebody without them. No, it became a thing. And I remember saying, I'm going to talk about this because the problems don't start necessarily in a court of law or because of taxes. The problem is it's secrecy. It's not calling people out. Like you say, it's not lawyering up. It's moving people from place to place. And the one thing that the Internet has created, whether it's whatever you feel about Julian Assange, is the ability to disseminate information broadly and quickly. And it was dominoes falling down because after that, I remember saying on the air, this is going to start a domino effect. Anybody who's ever done anything is going to be called out. And within a very short amount of time, the whole Catholic church started also people coming out and the priests were saying, oh, we're going to do this. We're going to do that. But even though they taped them, let's say, illegally, they didn't tell them they were being recorded. Sorry. We back to your first case? Well, both of them. Because then a young man came forward and that's what started. Oh, you're talking about the Catholic priest? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know there was taping there. Oh, yeah. But, you know, and here's what's going to happen with these school teachers. And I'm a very firm believer in this. At some point, there's going to be vigilante justice. Some Mexican brother with a grudge is going to take somebody out. And then it's going to become a real. Cain Velasquez just got out of prison for trying this. There you go. He was literally trying to hunt down the guy who was accused of molesting, I think, his daughter. but he, Cain just got out and that was probably about three, two or three years ago. Oh, by the way, first year I did the Celebrity Grand Prix, Cain Velasquez was in my celebrity group. Now, yes, check me on Cain Velasquez because I swear I heard he just got out. And try and find the story, forgive me, but it was early 2014 and it was a female school teacher principal that was taken out in cuffs. She was arrested. Oh, really? Yeah, she was arrested. All right, try to find that story. And yes, Cain was just released 10 days ago. Okay, so there's an inherent problem as I was trying to kind of figure this one out. Well, they have to turn their back. The union has to do what's right and hang these people out to drive. Right, but they're not going to do it. If the Pope can do it, they can do it. The union is always going to try to protect the union members and the teachers. So that's the way. Do you remember the Angel Hernandez case where those four CPS workers looked the other way when that little Angel Fernandez? I was being beaten all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the schoolteacher is the one who came forward, the female schoolteacher saying, you know, he's got bruises. He's got BBs embedded in his face. Nobody listened to her. Right. And I would have left it alone. But when I was on KFI, I would read their names out loud every Saturday night because Gregory Merritt, I used to call him Gregory No Merritt. Gregory Merritt was let go and because he was almost at the end of his tenure and you know etc etc he didn't just say I was involved in this hideous case I'm lucky to to get out with my you know alive hold on you have to give his title people don't know he was one of the workers that just signed off I think the um the woman who never actually visited the kid he was a he was a child protective yes yes okay yes I'm just trying there's a lot of names yeah a lot of stuff I'm I'm trying to get everybody's titles and stuff. And the funny thing is I'm talking about things that happened like 10, 12 years ago. But they're kind of a little bit fresh in my mind because when you talk about the union, the union was trying to protect these four people that had completely dropped the ball on these children. Not the teacher's union, but the child protectives or whatever. They were protecting these four people that were watching this child be tortured. I know. In plain sight. It's so sad. All right. So now. You can't do it as a society. If you're protecting anyone who harms a child, shame on you. Bad karma. Shame. Gabriel Fernandez. The worst. It's the name. That was 2013. Summer of 13 was when it came forward. All right. So now that's the child, Gabriel Fernandez. Yes. Okay. So now there's an inherent problem as I was thinking about it with this. school teachers are people that basically want a career and a lifetime of working around other people's kids. Absolutely. And that's not appealing to most folk. No. Most folk, if you said to me, would you like to spend all day with other people's kids and not get paid that much? I would go, that doesn't sound appealing to me. No, it's a calling. My mother's a nurse, the worst. Impacted bowels? Are you kidding me? Yes. It's a calling. Well, we can call it a calling, but it also means a higher percentage of them are going to be attracted to kids and have an ulterior motive. Like scoutmasters. That's what I'm saying. So there's an inherent flaw because if you said to most people, would you like to work around other people's kids and like discipline them and deal with that all day and not get paid very much, they'd go, I'm not attracted to that unless there's something in it for me like I'm attracted to kids. There's a bonus. And then you would want to be around that if that's who you're attracted to. So it's like it's sort of like when gay guys, gay guys will say once in a while, like, you know, if I ever said to one of my gay friends, I'd go, you know, it's pretty cool about being gays. You go to the locker room at the Bally's Fitness Center. You get to go in the shower and you get to look at good looking dudes who are naked and they go, oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I go, no, why wouldn't I look? If I could go into the ladies room, I'd go into the ladies room. What's different about this for you? And it's like, oh, please. But it's like, just admit it. You'd hang out there. Gay guys are always in great shape because they're always, you know, guess who'd always be at the gym if I got to hang out in the ladies' locker room? I'd be in fucking great shape about now. Think about it. It's all, Dawson, you don't go to the gym very often. No, not often. But if I told you there was a gym up the street and it was, you know, 28 bucks a month and you could go there and work out, whatever. But you were fully authorized just to go hang out in the ladies locker room after you're done working out and take a shower with the ladies. That might be incentive for you to join that gym. Would you like to hear a very prurient story? And you'd be in good shape. So hold on. I do. But let me just finish this thought. I was just putting a pin in it. You are attracting people in teachers that probably have a higher percentage of being a pedophile because they would like to spend a lot of time in the company of kids, which to me, who's not attracted to kids, sounds like the most boring. That sounds like a prison sentence to me. And that's why you're bringing up scout leaders. I always used to say when you'd go to one of those scouting meetings and they'd have the parents there and the kids and they'd have my kid was in scouting for a little while. They'd have those meetings. My brothers, too. They should. The way they should do it is they should say, who wants to take these kids camping up to Mount Pino's for three days? And the first guy who raises their hand, Ted, you're out. Who else? Randy, your hand up. Yeah. You're out, too. Brad, you're taking them. And then Brad would go, the fucking playoffs are this weekend. Are you nuts? I'm not going to spend my day on a mountain with a bunch. That's exactly. Exactly. You are the man for this job, Brad. That's how they should do it. So when I see that first hand go flying up, I'm like, I don't know what you're volunteering to be around all these kids for a long period of time, but I don't trust you now. It's funny you should say that because I have that about almost anything. Number one, because if you look at something, look, if people looked at our lives, who wants to be broke and maligned and mistreated by bookers and treated like cattle? And, you know, I mean, look, our job wasn't easy at the beginning of our job. It sucked. Stand up comedy. Yes. It's not. It's a hazing. It's brutal. It's unkind. It's brutal. It's, you know, et cetera, et cetera. But but I say the same thing about power. I always say, you know, where's the politician who's the soft sell that everybody's like, that guy should run for office. Like, no, I don't want the scrutiny. It'll destroy my family. Like, I want that guy. Like, I want Atticus Finch to run for, you know. You want the guy who doesn't want to be there. Yeah, but he knows it's the right thing. Not the sociopath who can't get enough of him or herself, which we're now just collecting in droves now. But your purient story. Here it is. Here it is. So I actually was in Humboldt, Texas in high school at this crappy co-ed gym. I think it was even called like Roman Spa or something. What year was this? 1980 and 80, 81. I'm a senior in high school at Humboldt. My parents divorced my junior year of high school and I went from Miami, Florida to Humboldt, Texas. They couldn't suck it up for a couple semesters? No, no. What about it? Yeah. Your whole life, you're in one place. Then you graduate in Humble, Texas. So, yeah. No more Sebring for you. No. No, no, no. We had a Dairy Queen brazier. Excuse me. So we had a co-ed gym called the Roman Spa. It was owned by a Mexican guy named Tony DeSanto. He's probably dead for sure. And he used to say he was Italian, but he was Mexican. Like his staff would say, he's not Italian. But the upshot is it had co-ed wet areas. You had to wear a swimsuit to get in the jacuzzi, but they couldn't afford dual. So it was co-ed. And the showers were showers, but you had to wear like a swimsuit to wash your hair. You couldn't afford like two facilities. Correct. So there was this one guy that I used to purposely wait to watch him shower. When I was... Yeah. I mean, I did. He'd be wearing trunks. Yeah. But he looked pretty good in that shower. Delicious. Delicious. Yeah. Delicious. So I would watch him shower. So then my mom made me go to this wedding, and I'm sitting in the church in the pew, and she's like, oh, my friend showed up with her husband, Ron. And I turn around, and it's shower guy. Wow. Shower guy is sitting behind me. You can't even imagine. I taught boxing at always better – I know that was always better closets. I'm getting lost on all my old old jobs bodies in motion and there were a couple of women who belonged to that gym and one that was just a fucking knockout like just best looking person you've ever seen wearing her tight workout stuff and she was just like unbelievably good looking I mean she was so hot She was Olivia Newton, John hot and big old titties, super hot, beautiful. And if I could have headed into the fucking showers with her, I would have definitely timed my workout. Absolutely. I would have been right in the middle of round two, punching a heavy bag. And as soon as she went for the shower, I would have dropped my gloves and trotted right on in there. Yep. Fuck yeah. So anyway, gay guys, don't try to pass that bullshit on us. Oh no. Plus, you guys, especially back in the day, but now you guys had all sorts of gay magazines and gay porn and stuff. Advocate. Don't tell me you don't like looking at dudes naked. There's a thousand magazines about dudes naked. Staring at dudes naked, it's a national pastime. That's why, you know, everyone goes, gay guys are in great shape because they have to be attractive to other dudes. And that's part of it. But also gay guys get to look at cocks at the gym when they go in the shower all day. And you'd spend a lot of fucking time at that valley. Here's what I'm going to tell you. I used to go to this. We used to call it the sports erection because there was a sports connection on Santa Monica and WeHo that was just good times. You know? Oh, yeah. I mean, in the 90s. Yeah. West L.A., West Hollywood dudes, gay dudes. They always eat at the kookaroo. They always ate at the kookaroo because it was healthy, skinless chicken. And then they'd go work out at the sports erection. And guess who? Because I'm not going to sleep with them. I just like looking. So I was all about working out all the time. I was fit as a fiddle. Does it change anything in you if a guy is gay versus straight? To look at him? Aesthetics? Here's what I will tell you. The short answer is no. But here's the interesting thing. What women find attractive in a man and what gay men find attractive in a man are two different things. I've had many a conversation with my gay friends and what they think is going on. For instance, I'm not a size queen. I say a big penis to me is like a 12 year old driving an 18 wheeler. Like you're going to hit the guardrail. Someone's going to get hurt. Nobody needs that much horsepower. That's right. Not a fan. Yeah. But that's that's a big thing. You know, like that is not a thing for me at all. Quite the opposite. It's a thing for the gay guys. Oh, yeah. Not me. I'm like, I like fair to Midland. Yeah, I'd rather have a little active tiny dancer. You want something that is just sort of a snackable cock, not a big hoagie. Yeah, I don't want to walk like I got to have spurs the next day. You know what I mean? Nobody needs that. All right. So you want a little less in that department, whereas men want a little more. Yeah. Chime. Chime is changing the way people bank because it's built for you. Not the 1%. They unlock smarter banking for everyday people. You can bank fee-free. And overdraft coverage, well, you can count on it. Earn up to 3% APY on savings. That's seven times higher than a traditional bank. and they're rated five stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans, 24-7. What a novelty. 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Advertised annual percentage yield with Chime Plus status only. Otherwise, 1% APY applies. No minimum balance required. Chime card on-time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See Chime.com for details on applicable terms. You know, here's the interesting thing. Like, I like eyes. You like eyes. I like eyes. I like men with, and they don't have to be the long lashes or blue. I like interesting eyes. I never really thought about this, but there's two, there's a lot of different gay guys. There's tops and there's bottoms and there's what have you, right? And then there's gay guys who just blow each other. They never get into the anal sex, right? Okay, fair enough. I'm basing this on a few of my gay friends and filling me in. Well, I have tons of them because I'm like, oh, I'm a certified fruit fly. Oh, you are? Certified. So I would only go off what they told me, but if in fact you're a guy and the deal is, is you participate in anal sex, how big a cock do you want that other guy to have? I mean, I feel like you're complaining. You got more space than I do. Trust me. I did a bit where they took me to the Hustler store for a TV pilot. the hustler store when it was the big hustler store back in the day right on sunset and um and i remember you know i was doing all this funny stuff you know being a comedian they're filming me and some of the stuff in a box i would be like what do you do with this like do you just leave this in the backyard right sign this is what's left of the last person tried to break in the house i mean you know i mean like what what practical bird feeder on it yeah what what practical application to some of these things. And I remember that I pulled a package of anal beads and I asked the guy, I go, what do you do with the, I really didn't know as many years ago. And he explained. And I said, do you realize that most people live in terror that something's going to come out involuntarily? Like why would you pull something out on purpose? And then this was the kicker mckickerton the the package said dish washer safe and i'm thinking i want to know who bought these i am never having a casserole at their house like who does like and then i the the the end of the bit so to speak the button was all these beautiful young kids and these luminescent cowboy hats i said do you guys ever just lock the doors and just all do each other in here and they all looked at each other like who who told her wow it was amazing it was the perfect out on the bit, you know? Did, so I'm wondering if you're a bottom, if you still want the big hog. Some do. Well, I'm not saying some don't or do. I'm saying in general, is that, are you shopping? If you're a top, you got a big hog. Are you a little less, like what if you're a top and you just got a massive hog. And are you going to have trouble finding bottoms? That's what I'm saying. Does it slow your roll a little bit? I can't answer, but from a woman's perspective, the biggest one I ever saw was on a slim Jewish guy. And I took one look at it and I said, I don't know how to break this to you, but you're getting a handjob. That's not going inside of any part of me because I will be whistling like a Coke bottle. Like, it's not happening. And he said, and he was a good-looking guy, charming, lovely guy, and he said it was a problem for him. He said it happened to him all the time. The guys always brag about wishing they had a big one, and he said it's an actual real problem. Like, the guy needed to just have, like, his own music on his phone. It was pre-cell phone, but like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, like circus music. You know what I mean? He needed some kind of a warning what was going to happen. So you just gained the hand. I did. I was like, I don't know how to break this to you, but there's no way anything can happen with that. You know, in terms of bad news, that's flattering bad news. You know what I mean? You would hope. I would say he was okay with it. Although I would probably argue that having a huge hog is sort of akin to having huge tits and that the women that have them don't really like them because they can't. They always say, I wish I could go jog. I wish I could go do this. My shoulders, my bras. My back hurts, deep bra straps and stuff. We go oh she wants those big titties and he wants that big dick but it probably a little more of a hassle big picture in their life right I think closer to the middle of the continuum is probably you know what most people are happy with when they see Nobody likes a surprise in either direction. if you have a micro phallus i i got into this with heather locklear to who says she's been around a few a few of them um i think most women have you've been around i've seen i saw one on a very attractive well-built guy and it was like a kid's thumb Do you have to give the gal a little heads up? I got none. That's what I'm saying. I think if you have a massive hog or you have a micro phallus, at some point after the dinner and after the drinks, when we're making our way back to your place and we get up to the bedroom and you light a candle, I feel like I got to do a little preamble before the pants drop. Like just try to, pardon the pun, soften the blow just a little bit, like a little, you know. I think that's true of a lot of things. Like I feel like when people, when you, it's different if you're not going to be long-term intimate with somebody. But if there's a chance that there's going to be some sort of relationship. I remember I did a whole radio show on things you should disclose and things that you shouldn't. And I think that I think if somebody's on serious medication or, you know, I had a guy just tell me right out. He said, I'm in remission. I'm taking this very serious drug by Novartis. I have cytoplastic leukemia, but right now I'm in remission. And I thought that was very cool. And I said, if you're not married and you're not gay and God gives you a hall pass out of this relationship, I'm OK with that. He said, I just felt I needed to tell you, like, I could come out of remission and die very quickly. I was like, I can handle that. That's a guy who wants a blowjob who's lying. No, he really did die. People would ask me, do you have a boyfriend? I'd say, let me call home and see if he's alive. Jesus Christ. Yeah. All right. Fine. Okay. The guy, Dawson, who allegedly has the biggest hog is that guy, Jonah Falcon. How do you know this? Because I saw him highlighted literally on some MTV thing once. I swear to God, memories from 2002 or something. But I think his name is Jonah Falcon. He's a sort of goofy white guy. What do you want to know? I probably heard him on Howard Stern or something like that. Widely known for the world's largest penis. 13 and a half inches erect. Right. Right. And he's just, you know, I feel this way. Hey, you know who Jonah Falcon is, Dawson? Although he's the one who measured it. Okay. Has anyone seen it? No, he hasn't allowed any proof. He's, he's. But he's in the Guinness World Record? He can't pull this off with a seven inch dick though. He's, he's. I don't know how he's done it. But okay, Dawson, he's our Tiger Woods. because we can say, hey, brothers, I know you guys think you dominate the sport, but guess what? Guess who's got the biggest hog? White dude. How do you like me now? So anyway, I was sitting around at home. All right, here's some homework for you, Andrew. There is an announcer for the NFL. I think it was on Thanksgiving when the NFL was playing on Thanksgiving Day on Netflix, I think. Was there something, Andrew, over for Thanksgiving, the Thanksgiving game we're on Netflix? Give me the name of the two guys who called that game, and then I'm going to tell you who has the biggest hog in the world. And I'll tell you that. Alright, so we'll figure that one out. I was sitting around on Thanksgiving thinking these thoughts. So, Jonah Falcon. Chalk it up to the Tryptophan. Has the biggest—I haven't had the turkey yet. Has the biggest hog. Well, see, it wouldn't be Tony Romo, because you would remember that name. Tony Romo. I think it was like Ian Eagle or something like that. Yeah, what's his first name? He dated Jessica Simpson. I don't think it's Ian. Ian. Yeah, I think his son is in there, but I don't think his son was on Thanksgiving Day. Ian and Noah Eagle. Oh, okay. So who—oh, Noah. Sorry. Noah Eagle is the guy called that game. Now, my whole thing, if Jonah Falcon has the biggest cock, then Noah Eagle has an even bigger cock. I was doing the bird math. Jim Eagle. Hog's eye. So this guy, I've decided that Noah Eagle has a bigger cock than Falcon. How do we know this? How did you come to this? Well, you look at a falcon, and then you look at an eagle, and you go, what's the more superior bird? Falcon's nice. Falcon is a queen or a jack, but eagle's an ace. You know what I'm saying? Falcon is swift and cunning, and the eagle is just huge. He just sits on a tree. Yeah. Guinness Book does not officially recognize the category of largest penis. They don't officially recognize it. Well, I got to tell you, they have to verify. When we did the most downloaded podcast, the guy flew in from England and we had to put him up at a hotel. Yeah, because if you think about Guinness, they can't just do shit over the phone. No. And they also can't pay to fly a guy to England and stay at a hotel for every Yahoo that's got some crazy claim. They would go broke. So they basically go, if you're serious about this, we'll come out and verify it or whatever, but you've got to pay for the hotel room. That's cool. It's kind of weird, but it makes sense if you think about it. So the micropenis, no heads up. Here's what generally I have found that men do. They compensate. Usually men with a micropenis, and I've only encountered two in my whole life, but both of them were like ardent maker-outers, like the foreplay was amazing. Like they figure if sex is a meal and the entree is going to be beef jerky, the side dishes better be amazing. Or maybe just jerky, which is what he has to do when he gets home. So they're saying really pile on the cream spinach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the mashed potatoes. Absolutely. Because that steak is only three ounces. Right. Ah, it's interesting. Yeah. Overcompensation. Yeah, absolutely. If the side, and I'm going to tell you a secret. If the side dishes are amazing, women can often overlook a burnt tiny entree. I get it. They can. They can. You want the wag goo. Everything sounds sexual now. So I agree because women are wired that way a little bit different. Right. So I swear to God when I was talking to Heather Locklear about it, I swear to God she ran into a couple herself. Is this more common than we think, this micropenis? Because I just feel like— Every woman has a story. Yeah. Every woman has a story. The thing that's weird is like I was on—maybe this is like peanut allergies. Like this shit didn't seem to exist when I was in high school. I went to high school. I played football for three years. I hung around a locker room with dudes, and they all had hogs on them. And then I had my friends. Well, they tend to avoid those kind of situations. It's like bedwetters don't go away to sleepaway camp. No, you're right. I think the small hog guys, it's kind of like you're saying the teachers want to be teachers, you know? Right, right. I think the little dudes are like, you know what, I'm going to avoid situations. Self-selecting group. Right. Because I didn't, and I had my friends, and I knew what all their dicks looked like. Yeah. And people think that's gay, but it just. No, it's dudes. We just knew what they knew. I knew my dudes. We broke into the Mulholland Club, go skinny dipping every night during the summer and stuff. I knew what everyone's dick looked like. Absolutely. And never saw the micro penis. We know what our friends' boobs look like. Right. All right. So here's the interesting thing. It says 1.5. So one and a half out of every 10,000? Jesus. Yeah. Essentially, it's one in 10,000, really. I think it's more than that. It just means you and Heather Locklear are whores, basically, because in order to get to two micropenis, you had to sleep with 18,000 guys. You had to see. Or we just luck of the draw. We were just unlucky. Just unlucky. All right. So micropenis or giant hog, you don't have to give a heads up on. I think you should hint. if you're if it's a touchy subject pun intended if if you're not comfortable you know it's like like i say there's things you just need to say ahead of time you know like some guys have three nipples i think you need to let a girl know you gotta know when i take my shirt off this is going to look peculiar right you know i agree yeah and and even even health things like i say people people need to know you know that if you have asthma or something like herpes yeah well that's a given you know people have to tell but it's so weird how i slept with a girl who told me afterward she had herpes after after that's not cool you know what she was a model but she didn't have if she wasn't having an active breakout maybe she just felt like you were such a loser i was still thankful i literally was i was like i'm thank you anyway i was thankful it was a good time yeah she was she was a model and um and i was you know kind of driving a truck and swinging a hammer and it i wasn't really that's sexy to some women yeah i did okay but it was kind of few and far between. I had to kind of wait a while. There was no show business part. I was just roommates and driving a pickup. I did good enough. Actually, there were two model friends and I ended up sleeping with both of them. So you were doing, so who's the whore now? I know. One of them had a micro vagina. No. It was, I don't know where she had, whatever happened to her. being a doctor or something somebody one of them I think one of them ended up killing themselves later on wow it was one of those things where I was reading up like what happened to Beth you know I do that I look people up and I was like where they end up or whatever and she all I found or somebody found that she moved back to Tennessee and then it had one of those things were like you know dead at 53 and then one of those she's finally at peace kind of things it wasn't you know ovarian cancer or truck drunk drivers i was just kind of a sort of finally at peace kind of thing and i was like read between the lines that doesn't sound no one of the best nights of my life in january of 90 january 93 i spent with a nice young man and just for fun i looked him up and his obituary popped up. Oh, wow. It was like, you know, we're not children, you and I, but even still, you know, anytime anybody under 70 dies now, I feel really bad, like, because they were young, you know. But this guy was like 52, you know, he was young. Yeah. I had another really good friend from the Groundlings who was, I've known some good-looking guys, but this guy looked, he looked like James Dean. And I've known some funny guys. And this guy was amongst the funniest guys I've ever, most talented guys I'd ever worked with at the Groundlings. And he looked like James Dean. Wow. And he killed himself later on in life. Those things don't compute, do they? Not to this guy who doesn't look like James Dean. He doesn't. No. I mean, it's nuts. The actor Jonathan Reese, beautiful man, great actor, attempted suicide. Oh, did he? Yeah, absolutely. Did not know that. And then there's Martin Short's daughter, just that. And then there was, who was the actor? Oh, there was Carradine, who just killed himself. Well, that was autoerotic. I don't think he did. No, no, other Carradine. The other Carradine. Oh, yeah, you're not talking about in the closet waiting for guests to come in, Carradine. No, no, different. Grasshopper. Robert Carradine. who's been in here and sweetheart of a guy him too like it's just it's getting a little a little crazy out there well i think in our business in particular people have these abnormal markers and expectations of what's supposed to happen well you have to think of it in terms of this woman i was speaking of she was a beautiful beautiful blonde she came out here from Tennessee. She was the belle of the ball. Never really took off. Made some money, did some modeling, made a couple of B movies or whatever. Then at some point you turn 50, you realize it's not happening and you move back to Tennessee. Or you let Phil Spector shoot you. Yes, you let Phil Spector shoot you. Unpopular opinion, but Phil Spector created such amazing music and so So much incredible art that brought so much joy to so many millions of human beings. I would have never put him in prison. I would have given him a pass. I would have said, you know, you've done so much good. I mean, it'd be like if somebody said, what would you do? If you go, look, here's the deal. You will invent a cure for cancer, but you get to shoot one cocktail waitress. I would go, you know what? That's how I feel about Billy Joel. When Billy Joel wrecked into that house in Long Island, he crashed into those people's house in the early 2000s. I said, you're Billy Joel. They should have moved their house. They should have put that house up and moved it. Was he drunk driving or something? It's a known fact that he's been on like most everything but roller skates for a minute. Right. Right. Did he kill anybody or hurt anybody? No. I don't think anybody was hurt, but he like crashed into a house. But you know, I said he wrote Lullaby. The house had to go. I agree. Look, it's an extreme thing. But that's what they do in France. Don't you remember the woman that shot Dr. Tarnower? Mm-mm. Well, when you go to jail in France, they look at the entirety of your life. I'll buy that. That's what they do. I think her name was Jean Harris, and she shot a diet doctor who was very abusive to her and et cetera, et cetera. But she evidently taught people to read. She was, like, amazing. And they let her out of jail early. Listen, I'll take a look at your permanent record. Like, I want to know how much you paid in taxes, what kind of earner you are. Did you ever put your hands on anyone before this incident? You getting drunk at a Christmas party and driving home in the rain and knocking over some guy, some guys, a busboy is riding home on his bicycle. It's bad. But I want to take a look at the totality of your life. It's not the same as malice. We don't. The intention and malice have to account for something. It's not a level playing field. I agree. Lana Clarkson was in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know she was. Oh, she was the hot wife of the goofy professor. Yeah, she did a few things before she ended up. All right. Let's give Monique a plug. Thank you. MoniqueMarvez.com is where you go for all the live shows. Arts Garage in Delray Beach, Florida, coming up March 6th and 13th Avalon Theater. Eastern. That's in Easton, Maryland. Easton, Maryland. Great spot. That's where it is. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll say a bit of due to Monique, and we'll do the news with Dawson right after this. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, they're in the business of keeping your car on the road, everyone. They offer friendly, helpful service, and all the knowledge you need. If I can't figure out something wrong with my car, sometimes I can't, but I usually use these guys for the race cars. A little more old school. You know, I'm not a computer guy. That's what you need with the new cars, but the old cars, man, you can pop that hood and get in there. They have thousands of parts in stock and can test your battery for free. Need wipers, a brake light, or a quick fix. They can get the right part. Everyone who works there is knowledgeable and they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly are your one-stop shop for DIY auto stuff in stores, online. Either way, it's always O'Reilly. Am I right, Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us at O'ReillyAuto.com slash Adam. That's O'ReillyAuto.com slash Adam. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. You swear? If I'm mine, I'm dying. This is the mindset. Free. This is the mantra. Free. This is the mindset. Mindset, mindset. With movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls, and Gladiator. Are you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Fairly Odd Parents, and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah! Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Adam, got a hypothetical NFL player name for you. Defrauding banks. That's a D with an apostrophe. Later. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. That's a good one. The Apostre defrauding banks. I don't know why. The leader is still Glendora Bevmo. And I don't know why that one makes everyone laugh. Oh, quick Mike August story for you, just because Dawson enjoys. Everyone enjoys a good Mike August story. Absolutely. I've lived a few of them. I woke up this morning. Now, I'm going to set this against a backdrop of I was out of town doing a one-nighter in Colorado last weekend. Also, I did the Byron Allen show, which is like six tapings in one day. And my girlfriend's out of town doing a show in San Francisco. And I'm sitting alone in the condo. And my compass is a little off. Like, I'm trying to figure out days and dates. When you don't work. Where do I got to be? When you work weekends, do your days get. What's today? What's tomorrow? There's no difference between a Monday and a weekend. I do the same thing. So anyway, I wake up this morning and Mike had sent me a text. And I'd been up for like five minutes. And I was just sitting looking at this text that Mike sent me. And we put it up on the thing. It says, can you do Dallas radio in 9 a.m. hour Thursday morning? Okay. And I started looking at it, and I was like, Thursday morning? Wait a minute. Isn't today Thursday? And I was like, today's Thursday. Is that today? This morning? Thursday? What? Oh, today? Oh, must be Wednesday. Today must be Wednesday. Then I go, wait a minute. I think today's Thursday. Today's Thursday, right? Then I go, oh, oh, oh, he must have sent it last night. And you're just waking up to it. Yeah. But then he would say tomorrow. But then all bets are off in August. No, no, no. I get it. I know. Then I look, and it says, look at the time. Blow up the time. He sent it at 8.31 Thursday. He sent the thing at 821. He sent the thing 15 minutes before I looked at it. So I was like, oh, no, he sent this today. Oh, Thursday. Okay. Today must be Wednesday. Today must be Wednesday. Or he meant Friday. But go on. So I go, yes. And then I wrote today. And then he wrote yes. so his way of communicating if he wants you to do a radio phone or 20 minutes from now is to not say can you do a radio phone or 9am today he chooses to say Thursday which makes you think you're going insane because you go he can't be talking about today he's asking about Thursday so today must not be Thursday or maybe it's the next week Right, but you're not in Dallas the next week. So this is all very Mike August. Right. No, all it is is they want to know if you can do a phoner on Thursday. So he writes phoner on Thursday. But he doesn't say this morning or today. That's what makes Mike Mike. And then Mike would defend himself by saying it's Thursday. Yeah, it's Thursday. Right. And I would say, but nobody else speaks that way. And that's why it's super confusing. You can file this under when he'll go, it'll be Monday. And he'll go, can you do that show next Friday? And I'll go, next Friday? Or this Friday? Oh, yeah, this Friday. I'll go, okay, but don't say next. Next Friday is next. It's the one after the, right. But shouldn't do, shouldn't happen. I literally sat in my living room in my bathrobe, and I convinced myself that today was Wednesday instead of Thursday. Here's the thing, too, and Mike August listens to this show every day, and I love him for it. He's been with you for so long. At what point should he just know these things and know who he's talking to? He doesn't know what he's sending. He doesn't know what he's sending. That's the point. Is there another person on the planet that says Thursday? I'm not new. I know. Mike August has been doing this for the 20 years I've known him. I know. I know. Thursday. Thursday. I love it. By the way, Thursday, he means he sent it at 821, and he wants it for the 9 a.m. hour. He wants it in a half hour. In a half hour, he wants. He's book. He's angling for a half hour from now, and he just goes Thursday morning. Right. Right. All right. Anyway. Anyway, Fresno, California, big news coming out of there. A registered sex offender has launched a Fresno City Council campaign to represent a district in Fresno. This guy's got to look. Very crowded field. But here's what he had to say about it. I believe Fresno deserves leaders that are honest from the very beginning, not the end. So going into this, I'm putting my life out there. Upfront about his status as a registered sex offender, Renee Campos is not running from his past as he runs for office. I've been given the chance to rehabilitate through the courts and back into the system. Charged with being in possession of child sex abuse material back in 2018, the Fresno native says he pled no contest to a misdemeanor charge. Now launching his campaign to represent District 7 on the Fresno City Council. He says his focus is on safety. So I say let's choose somebody outside the box. Somebody who knows the system from inside out. Because me, I've experienced the laws that we are trying to reform right now. Fresno County Clerk and Registrar Voters James Kuz says state law does not prevent a registered sex offender from running for office. Once you leave prison, you're on probation, you actually are allowed in California to reapply and become a registered voter again, which would then make you eligible to be able to run as long as you are living in the proper jurisdiction. Now, listen, this guy doesn't stand a chance in hell, right? Possession of child sexual content, abuse material. I'm not sure what that is. It could be California. Images or. Yeah, I got it, Andrew. California is we can elect anybody for anything. I would rather have him than Katie Porter or Gavin Newsom or somebody on that council. I really would because he may have an idea or two I agree with outside above and beyond the sexual predators list You know what I mean Like he may have some solid ideas about traffic or infrastructure or something Well, I mean, if you're dealing with a Karen Bass or a Gavin Newsom or a Katie Porter, they don't, or Nithya Rahman, they don't have any ideas that are good, right? Right. So the pedophile may have a couple of good ideas and be a pedophile, you know what I'm saying? And considering that I'm not a nine-year-old boy, then I just get the good roads that he's providing and I don't have to worry about whatever he's doing on the weekend. So I might vote for him over a Nithya Raman type. Who, by the way, you know that it's not a coincidence. It's not like, well, me and Nithya Rahman or Gavin Newsom or whoever, we disagree on the school voucher system, but obviously we're on the same page with the border and ICE or whatever. I mean, you watch Trump's State of the Union. I agree with everything Trump says. They disagree with everything he says. So it's not going to be, you know, it's not a scene where it's like, well, we may find some common ground on this subject or that subject. Their ideas are retarded. So you're going to be against every idea they have. Mondami, it's not like you and Mondami agree on this and that, but not the other. Fresno in the Central Valley is a fairly conservative leaning area. And it is possible that if every other candidate in this city council election leans towards Trump and he's the only one who doesn't, he stands a very good chance of at least advancing after the June primary. This guy's got the saddest thing ever, which is he had the big gauges in his ears. Oh, God. You can never take those out. And now he's got the flappy skin there. Yeah. I would be very, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I told my son. What? I said, listen, you can, I don't like those big gauge hoop earring things stretch you out like a native, you know, but I'm not going to tell you what to do. And if that's a road you decide to go down, you can. but at some point at a Thanksgiving years from now I'm going to get drunk and try to fuck that cage and we'll do it in front of everybody including your fiance or whoever you're with and it's going to be fucking ugly so I'm not telling you not to do it but anticipate this you know yeah and you know what Dawson what not even a stud that kid's got nothing there you go nothing that's just good parenting I would call that a success. Yeah. Right there. Regarding this Fresno City Council election. I also told them measure twice, cut once. So it wasn't all weird sexual stuff. Some of it was regular homespun advice. Absolutely. Well, my good friend Kinky Friedman always said that each elected official should serve two terms, one in office and one in prison. This guy already got prison out of the way. You know what I told my son when he complained about me earfucking him? What? I said, spare the rod. Spoil the child. Yeah. Yep. He knew what it meant. He knows. That'll shut him up real quick. That's right. Yeah. New photo floating around the internet. A photo of Stephen Hawking with two women in bikinis has emerged in the latest batch of the Epstein files. Ah. A family spokesperson said the two women were the late physicist's caretakers. Mm-hmm. And that the photo was taken at a science symposium in 2006. Hmm. But it's all related to the Epstein investigation. Here's the thing. Right now I'm producing, I produce our friend of the show, Ralph Pizzullo's podcast, Heroes Behind Headlines. Love that guy. And the one that we're into right now, he interviews the author of an upcoming Epstein related book based on the account of a 20 year old would be model out of South Africa. And there is much more to this whole Epstein thing than everyone thinks. It's not necessarily just about children and sex with children. There's some real stem cell neuroscience live forever weird effing shit going on. Well, there is a thing, Dawson. And so it doesn't surprise me that hawking would be related to this. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Let me just say something. life. If you go, look, you know, you fall off the back of a cruise ship, you're just trying to survive. You're trying to keep your head literally above water until somebody finds you. You're literally survival. You're not really thinking about, oh, we're going to have sushi for brunch or something like that. You just, all you think is live, right? And then if you can swim and get to an island, once you get to the island, you just kind of think about shelter and eating coconuts, and no one's thinking about eating a steak filet or anything. It's just survive, survive, survive. And most people are sort of in kind of survival mode. Like most people are paycheck to paycheck. The problems are like right in front of their face all the time. You know, it's a lot of shit. I got to get that roof redone, but I don't have $26,000. Shit, I might have to buy a tarp and put it over. When you get to a point where money is literally not a concern because there's literally so much of it that you can go to any restaurant order. It's everything. You've completely eliminated money, 100%. 100%. All the struggles that we have that are surrounding making money and the spending of money and, yeah, I'd like a new truck, but I can only afford a used truck or whatever. All that. It's all gone. It's all gone. Then your brain sits around and there is no more struggle and there is no more work and there is no more concern and obsession. And you think about your life. 80% of the waking moments are sort of like, I got to get this. I got to go to work. I got to pay for that. I got to do this. I got another opportunity for that. I can work this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to go do that. Now you remove it all. Now you're into stem cells and living forever and, you know, drinking the blood of virgins. And you'll start going into some places, right? Because we, everyone else is busy surviving. all the time. And I don't mean surviving like trapping a wildebeest in the woods. I just mean just survival. You're working, you're taking care of shit. It's like stuff's got to be taken care of. These guys have removed all of that and now they're into some sort of how am I going to live forever? Because also who the fuck wants to have enough money for 154 lifetimes and you die at 63 and a half? You know what I mean? Like, I got a fucking, I got a 200-foot yacht. I want to spend some time on that yacht. I don't want to spend the last 10 years of my life on that yacht. I don't want to spend the last 200 years of my life on that yacht, you know? So that's why I think it always takes a turn for something, you know? For the sinister? It could be sinister, but it could also just be weird, you know what I mean? That's kind of my Mick Jagger theory when you get to fuck. Vaguely nefarious. You get to fuck whoever you want for an extended period of time. Sure. Eventually, you just got to blow David Bowie or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. You got to mix things up. Yes. Because it's just too. Yes. That's why I always believed in the Richard Gere gerbil story. Yes. Because you're fucking Cindy Crawford. I've read a. You're fucking Cindy Crawford. Yes. So what if you nail a Raider Act? Who gives a fuck? You're fucking Cindy. Where are you going from here? You know what I mean? All the fat truck drivers who make $52,000 a year are fantasizing about Cindy Crawford. Richard Gere's tired of fucking Cindy Crawford. So where do you go? Right. Full gerbil. Well, that's, look, I mean, it reminds me of an article I read in Rolling Stone a long time ago about someone who was a roadie for Motorhead. Mm-hmm. And this guy was so, like, there's so many drugs, so many, and at first when you're picking girls to go backstage, he would, you know, have fun with the girls. Finally, his whole thing isn't working because he's so riddled with drugs. He had girls line up and he threw lunch meat at them. Right. And if it stuck, you got to go backstage. So, yeah, that's the things that you will do when money or other things aren't working. It's pretty disgusting. But one of the things coming out in this podcast, it's incredibly interesting, really difficult to produce. But what Epstein did with this one person is they were at a, you know, he had a function in South Africa and she happened to be in the same vicinity, sent people over to her other young models, you know, maybe 23, 24 years old and said, hey, would you be interested in auditioning for this model thing? whatever. Then they say that people are interested in having you as a model, put them into a room and then ask them questions like, how close are you to your family? What's your relationship with your father? What's your financial situation right now? And all these questions to find out if these people are kidnappable essentially. And then within a period of 36 hours or, you know, 72 hours. She was flown from South Africa to New York City. Four hours later, she's on another plane to the Epstein Island. The next day, she's on another plane to Paris. And he would keep these girls isolated, hungry, and tired and was really into mind control. Epstein. Yes. So there's a whole new wrinkle to this that I really hope does get exposed. Wow. What about the whole how'd he fucking make so much money? He wasn't even that bright a guy. Right. That I do not know. I did have to tell Chuck, who's in the tribe, he's a proud Jew, in the next room. he was excited that the hockey player for the USA team, Jack, was a Jew. But I had to explain to him Epstein's a Jew too, so reel it in a little, bro. You know what I mean? They're not so great. Not all of them. Not all of them are scoring winning goals. It's hit or miss right now. Yeah, it's a lot of range. You win some, you lose some. Which is interesting because now Epstein was basically like an accountant. So you go, all right, now that's good old-fashioned Jew work there. But scoring pucks, putting a puck in the net, it's not old school Jew work. But lo and behold, there you are excelling on the ice. But the accountant, not so much. It's important to kind of keep people grounded. It's like Casey Kasem would say, you know what I mean? Keep your feet on the ground, your head in the stars. That's right. He doesn't say keep your feet and your head in the stars. No. Keep that feet on the ground. That's when I had to tune up Chuck about Epstein being a chew the other day. That's what I was doing. I was just for his own good. Smart. Yeah. That's just good. I hope you wrote it down, Chuck. He didn't have to write it down. Put it above your toilet. Right there. You read it every day. That's right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. The FBI rated the headquarters of the L.A. Unified School District. Finally, we're going after corruption in California. Fraud in California. the second largest school district in the U.S., as well as the home of the district superintendent, Alberto Carvalho. Oh, we need more people of color in positions. What? They're just as fucking corrupt as everyone else. This is an ongoing investigation. Exactly. This is an ongoing investigation, but we can confirm that it's a search warrant pursuant. Under seal, court authorized warrant and no further comment, but the district is cooperating. We're going to find out where millions and millions and millions of dollars have actually gone, I hope. Oh, well, California is going to be much worse than Minneapolis or Minnesota. But here's the thing. I'll put it to you this way, Dawson. It's what I don't understand. It's like Mondami is like, we need more money. We have to raise some taxes, get some property taxes going. It's always what's wrong with paying Abigail Spanberger or whatever her name is, Shriver, whatever her name is. I can't remember her name, but she's talking about raising in Virginia. She's going to raise. So, for a tax. Okay. Like we said, New York City, the city, already has a higher budget than the state of Florida. And you want to just ratchet it up. Right, right, right. A little bit. A little bit more. A little bit more. A little bit more. And by the way, I've lived here my whole life. It's always like, look, what we're going to do is we're going to do a half cent tax on each gallon of gas. Every time. It's temporary. Half gas. Half cent per gallon. It's never temporary. And it just keeps rolling over. All I'm saying is this. We all live in this house. And there's two ways to heat this house in the dead of winter. We can either get a furnace that blows some hot air, which we have, and then shut the windows and shut the curtains and insulate the bottom of the door with the lights peeking through and do it that way, where we'll be burning some of the furnace fuel, but we'll insulate. Or we can do what the Democrats do, which is leave all the windows open and just keep saying we need a bigger furnace and we need more fuel going into the furnace. The fuel into the furnace is tax dollars. And my thing is, how about we shut the windows? Like, look, I want a warm house. You want a warm house. It's a combination of putting gas into the furnace, putting heating oil into the furnace, but it's also a combination of insulation, shutting the windows, shutting the flue for the fireplace, and putting a strip under the door, the sweep under the door. It's both things. It can't just be more fuel for the furnace. How about you shut the fucking windows? How about we stop giving millions and billions to NGOs and homeless camp, you know, NGOs and daycare and learning centers and autism research? How about we doze it up a little bit, which is closing the window? And the fact that you guys spaz out when somebody says, why don't we close the window so all the hot air doesn't escape and we'll still give you fuel for the furnace, but it's burning at such a rate right now that it's insane. What's wrong with closing the window? And they go, that's an outrage. It's as if we have a hole in our gas tank and we have a lot of driving to do. And the answer is, well, we're just going to have to pull over and fill up more often. Don't fix the hole. Right. Fix the hole and we'll put gas in it. All right. We got a classic. So this guy, this guy who is under investigation right now, one of Newsom's sweethearts. Newsom's a little long-winded here, but he gets to him. He loves a Hispanic guy. He loves himself. We've seen improved academic achievement in every subject area, at every grade level, in every student group with greater gains of test scores for black and Latino kids. He's lying. This is not true. In California's public educational system. I think we're 49 out of 50 right now. I'm not 100% sure. It's a point of pride, though. It's a point of pride that those gains are particularly pronounced in Los Angeles, the nation's second largest school district. Really? I just want to say this to the teachers, the classified employees, and to the parents of LA Unified School kids, you should be very proud of your project. The progress you're making, particularly proud of your leader, who's here, the superintendent of public education, Alberto Cavallo, who is here with us today. Can't even say his name. Alberto, I appreciate you coming all the way up from Los Angeles. Any chance I can crap on Newsom, I'll take. I'd seen this video as soon as this story came, and I said, great. Yeah, he's great. He loves them all. He does this certitude thing about being number one, gains in, whatever. And it's like LA Unified is a piece of shit. And it costs way too much to educate a kid. And by the way, there is no connection between the amount they pay and the grades and the test scores. Please get it out of your head. Every single election cycle, we are faced with a new tax to pay for schools. Right. And the results are not there. No. The money's not working. There's only—look, if the parents are involved, the school's good, and the kids will get an education. If the parents aren't involved, then they won't, as I was explaining to Newsom when he was on our show, that certain cultures do not put the emphasis on education. Family and education. Like others. But I was attacked. Soundly attacked. And that was the great Huffington Post headline from the following day, which said, Adam Carolla wants to know what's wrong with blacks. That's what I said. Well, literally, literally that was said. But yes. No, there's context. Black and Hispanics don't have access to checking out. Exactly. You said, what's wrong with them? I said, what's wrong with them? But I like the way Huffington Post. Why do Armenians have it? Why? I love that strategy. All right, let's do one more. What do you got? A Los Angeles police officer has been charged with felony insurance fraud. He was spotted skydiving while on disability leave. He hurt his elbow while on duty in 2023. Let me, all right, play it, sorry. And then he, go ahead. Officer finding himself on the wrong side of the law, charged with felony insurance fraud after he was spotted skydiving while on disability leave. The district attorney says Christopher Carnahan of Norwalk was claiming to be temporarily totally disabled at the time after injuring his elbow on duty and the skydiving apparently wasn't a one-time thing. Prosecutors say Carnahan completed many skydives and also worked out in a fitness center. He's being held now on $100,000 bail. If he's convicted, he faces up to six years behind bars. He's being held on $100,000 bail. That implies that he hasn't posted bail. Right. I will say this. Facing six years. Listen to me, everybody. the when you give people an out most people will take the out if you say and and look people used to be god fearing they used to have dignity they used to go i can't be bought good day sir you know that kind of stuff now everyone can be bought no one has dignity and no one's god fearing so god It sort of kept you in line. The only thing that stands in that way is dignity. But yeah, go on. You start saying, you know, Americans with disabilities, if you can't, you know, if you go to the bathroom at the restaurant, there's no grab bar next to the toilet, and you're in a wheelchair, you can't sue that. Then a whole cottage industry of lawyers pop up who sue restaurants. That's all they do is sue restaurants. And they never go to court. They get paid. They settle. They settle. And the second you go, well, look, we're going to do this thing where if it's a discrimination lawsuit type thing where it's like wrongfully terminated because of your ethnicity. Okay, then all of a sudden you can't fire a black guy. You can't fire a Mexican guy. You can't fire a lesbian because every single fucking one of them will go to a lawyer and then you'll just have to cut him a check. And it creates that. Now you go, well, we don't want discrimination. I don't want it either. But you've created something just like the Somali Leering Center. You say to a fucking mom who's poor, listen, if your kid has some Down syndrome or autism, you'll get an extra thousand bucks a month. And it's a spectrum. So nine-year-old Timmy over there, is he ever, oh, tune out when you're talking? or go in his room and just lay there with the lights off or close his eyes when he's talking or something. Yeah, he does all that. Good, here's a thousand bucks. Everyone's going to do it all the time because how fucking incredibly weak everybody is and how everyone is missing their dignity. And by the way, there's no such thing as being a man anymore and having quiet dignity or being stoic. It's just a bunch of fucking mother grubbing, motherfucking money-grubbing fucking pussies who just want free shit. It's all dogs at the airport. They're going to take advantage of everything. You cannot offer it. And you can't offer it on a fucking spectrum. And you can't have some fucking NGO that goes, hey, we'll take all the money from the concert for the fire victims, and we'll figure out who gets the money. None of this shit works. It's going to be corruption everywhere, every city, every town with a program is going to have corruption. The program creates the corruption. If you say to a cop, a fireman, you can retire and you can get full pay if you fucking injure yourself on the job, then they're going to go, yeah, I spilled a cup of coffee in my crotch and I can't. And it's always I can't walk. How many fucking people, you tell people about disability, all of a sudden everyone's got a fucking bad back. And they're home. The dream of every person is not to work and get paid. That's what it is. Especially if your job involves having gangbangers shoot at you. Well, then you fucking do what you want to do, which is skydive. But if you live in Norwalk, you should probably go a little further than Lake Elsinore to skydive. You're going to be seen. I feel like these people, they play it close to the vest for the first six months, and then they start getting sloppy and stupid. Because they think they're smart. That's another effect of this. People think they're smarter than everyone else, and they're really stupid. The system creates this, is my argument. So stop. It's like you can enforce it, or you can get rid of the system that creates it. All right, my cars, all the Newman cars, March 22nd, Santa Ana, California. I'll be there. We're doing a live podcast there. That's at the Jordan Family Classic Cars. and you can come by and say hi. Go to Amcroll.com for that. Monique Marvez, everybody, at MoniqueMarvez.com. Dawson, any plugs for you? Yeah, I'm going to be on the high seas all next week. Oh, yeah. Posting Cruise to the Edge, the Prague Rock extravaganza. Can't wait for the stories. And other great shows coming up. Follow me at Dos Angeles. Until next time, Amcroll for Monique Marvez in Dos Angeles saying Mahala. Be sure to join us on March 22nd in Santa Ana at Jordan Family Classic Cars. We're doing a special event with Paul Newman's Race Cars. Leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744 and get tickets to see Adam Carolla this weekend in the Big D at adamcarolla.com. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. You swear? If I'm lying, I'm dying. This is the mindset. Free. This is the mantra. Free. This is the mindset. Mindset, mindset. With movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls, and Gladiator. Are you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Fairly Odd Parents, and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah! Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. You swear? If I'm lying, I'm dying. This is the mindset. Free. This is the mantra. Free. This is the mindset. Mindset, mindset. With movies like Interstellar, Dreamgirls, and Gladiator. Are you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, Spongebob Squarepants, The Fairly Odd Parents, and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah! Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.