One again changing way to watch Collars basketball? With the one day pass from Sling, get instant access to the men's and women's tournaments starting at just $4.99. You can catch all the action on TNT, TBS, ESPN, and ESPN too. One even more hoops? Then add an extra pack to your subscription for just $1. No overpaying, no over-committing. Just tournaments so crazy, they'd be crazy to miss. Visit Sling.com to learn more. Sling lets you do that. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the CBS Evening News. My name is Tim Dillon. I want to first start by thanking Barry Weiss for giving me the opportunity to sit here with you at the iconic CBS News Desk and deliver the news. CBS is a great American institution. I also want to speak directly to people who feel that there may be some changes coming at CBS or that the network isn't going to be recognizable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here at CBS, we have a journalistic commitment to integrity, giving you both sides or all sides of every issue that matters to you. She is committed to delivering fearless, unbiased journalism, and she is incredibly aware of what a shill you people think she is, but she is not. She is not a shill, and nor am I. I want to thank the Ellison family. I want to thank Paramount. I want to thank everybody who invested severely in me and Barry and the whole team at the Free Press. The investments made were intense. They were severe. And I want to thank everyone who took hundreds of millions, if not billions of dollars, to make sure that you are getting fearless, unbiased news coverage from a team that's only agenda is the truth. Our only agenda is the truth. That is the biggest thing that we are trying to do here. You're not trying to come on here and spin and say, hey, hey, you anti-Semite pigs, eat your slop. We're not trying to say that. We're trying to say the world is very big. And there's a lot of people that have a lot of opinions that need to be corrected. And here at CBS News, we are going to devote every waking minute of our day to correcting all of you very nicely. You're barely going to notice it's happening. You're barely going to notice we're there. So for Tim Dillon and the thing about the beard, which makes it so difficult is that it really does have sensitive skin. It's very hard to speak in this beard. We got this, what is this, a Hasidic Jew costume at Spirit Halloween? This is a rabbi costume at Spirit Halloween. To of course, by the way, it's a happy day. It's a great day. We're celebrating this day. It's a national holiday. It's, I believe, the day that the free press Barry Weiss's blog was bought for $1 trillion. It is now valued at what Petro China is valued at. She will be taking over CBS News. So the oldest and most vulnerable members of our society will be getting news directly from Barry Weiss, who's a friend of mine who I like. I tend to like these types. I really do. I enjoy her and I wish her well and I'm wishing her the best. I know that it seems like we're poking fun here and we are a little bit because let's be honest, CBS is about to just become God only knows. I mean, it's going to be number one. It's Tranny TV. So they're all they're going to talk about is gender goblins and then they're going to talk about Israel. Most likely that's what it's going to say. It's going to oscillate between somebody in the girl swim team has a cock, which is their big issue. And then also, hey, how good of a job is Netanyahu doing? Good or great? What say you? So you're going to have all of those debates, you know, how best to kill a Palestinian? How does it? Is it should it be quick? We don't know. So you're going to have all of that at CBS News. CBS News. Very interesting that the establishment is now, you know, Barry Weiss was somebody who was like way outside the mainstream. She worked at the New York Times and then left right because like they went they went super woke and she was like persona non grata and she then launched her own thing and she's very independent in this in the sense that she wasn't linked to, you know, Viacom or or, you know, AP Associated Press or any of these these conglomeration, big media companies who she started the free press. But she had a lot of backing. She had a lot of financiers come in that backed her very early on with a lot of money that pumped her up. And she created the free press again, full disclosure. I've done events with them. They've paid me very well one time and I've done events with them and I enjoy her. And I think she's charming and smart. Is Barry Weiss interested in a unbiased look at the Middle East? I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe not. Perhaps not. And I think that maybe that's what's bothering the staffers at CBS because CBS is an old now you remember who watches CBS. People that watch CBS their entire night is getting from the kitchen to the chair. The entire night of an average viewer of CBS is getting from the kitchen to the chair. They make a plan to get from the kitchen to the chair. They walk into the kitchen. They're in the kitchen. They find some type of food that they believe their system can still handle after all of these years. They eat a little bit of that food and then they migrate. It's migration. It's like it's like a refugee, you know, coming from Cuba to Florida, except they're just trying to get to their chair in their living room. And then they turn on the CBS Evening News. OK, again, the median age of a prime time viewer of CBS is 67.8, almost 68 years old. But by the way, that's the median. So we know that there's far older as well. And the people that are watching CBS are elderly people who are they kind of don't know what's going on. Let's be honest. So I think maybe they're trying to bring in Barry to like make it young and hip. They're trying to like she's going to like jazz it up and make it like younger and hipper and like cooler and whatever. And then also provide the old people the content they want, you know, which is, you know, predominantly fear based and misleading. And as long as the content remains fear based and misleading, it will be good content and they will eat it up until they go on that final pilgrimage to wherever. But we we congrats to Barry, a great gig. CBS is an old clunker of a car. Nobody who's young respects it. Nobody's getting their news anymore from cable that is under 40. Nobody is reading these papers anymore. Half the time I read them because I have this dumb show. Most people are getting their news directly now from a person who's being bombed. That's who's the news is now. The news is directly from someone who's literally being bombed at the mall. Like there is no more article about the bombing. Someone whose family just got incinerated in a fire is on a phone telling you what happened. It please help me. Help me. So there's not a ton of editorializing to be done now. We're just getting it directly from the horse's mouth. Like the people that are being skinned alive in their homes, burnt to death, heads exploding in a kind of a hurricane of fire and an inferno, skin melting, eye sockets at those are the people that are now on the phone telling you what your government is funding. OK, so that's even I got to get rid of this because it's even it's kind of it's kind of bothering my neck even. When I feel like I feel with the beard, it feels anti-semitic. But but it's not. It's actually, by the way, here's what's funny about this whole thing. Truly, is this actually funny? It's actually funny. There's nothing less anti-semitic than this, than what I'm doing. Stacking two bagels to represent the Twin Towers, having managed to have its wine and dressing in this costume is actually the least anti-semitic thing anyone has ever done. So but and that and that's what's funny about the world is you see it and immediately go, oh, my God, I bet that's so rat. That's offensive and crazy. But this is the type of thing the free press should be defending. Right. We hope the free press is defending this and sharing this clip. We imagine the free press will be sharing this clip. Yes, yes or yes. But the news now has gone from like a guy and he'd be sitting at a desk and he'd be a good looking guy like David Muir. Get up the picture of David Muir because he's a hottie and he's not purely white. There's something else going on. And you kind of imagine him at a bar and he's having a glass of scotch and then a woman walks in maybe like a Catherine Zeta-Jones back in the day. Not now. I know she's older now. And David Muir is at a bar and he's that type of guy that you imagine nailing like a Hollywood A-lister. He's just a good looking guy. And he has that face that seems like he cares. And then that guy would get on the news and he would go. The continued conflict in the Middle East has been incredibly deadly and unfortunate. And the people in their houses would go, yeah, yeah, well, that sucks. That's tough. You know, that's a sad thing. And now but you removed, you're kind of removed from it because you don't really know what's going on. And then they'd show like a few, they'd show some bombs, it'd be some lights. There'd be some things going on and off. And you'd go, yeah, that's bad. And then he'd go, the terrorism that is being, you know, like the terrorists. And they would say that word a lot. They would be like the terrorism and the terror. And then you go, right, right, right. Terror. Yeah, gotta root them out, get them, smoke them out of their hole. Remember all the George W. Bush got to smoke them out of their hole. Get them, got them good. Get them, root them out. Bush was the first one after this whole thing happened. He goes, they're going to have to do some things, not be too nice. George W. Bush came out was like, yep, I'm no fan of terrorists. And he's like, you're going to have to go into these places. And it's not because it's a guerrilla warfare. And listen, some of that is understandable, inevitable. We get it. It is not nice, you know, guerrilla warfare, warfare in city. Is not pretty the Pentagon's planning, by the way, if you read what the Pentagon's planning, they're planning to have it here. So and it's not nice. And they're planning actually to have it here. The Pentagon for many, many years has been looking at what happens when the population just gets a little too excited. But you would have a guy like David Muir and he'd be out there and there'd be this filter and you would be understanding what's happening in a geopolitical context, right? A geopolitical context. Like you'd be understanding like that there are things that are beyond our understanding that can't really be, you know, fleshed out fully here. We're just going to use words that give you the idea that it's it's it's terrible and unfortunate and it's a prolonged. That's one of the prolonged. It's a prolonged conflict. It's a terrorism and extremism, radical extremism, radical terrorism, extremism, prolonged conflict, conflicts, terrorism, civilians, sadly death, you know, and all of these things. And it's just kind of, and again, you're 70, you're watching, you're watching the news, you know what I mean? The pills kicking in and you're coming back and forth. There's a piece of pie that's lodged in your esophagus that isn't going down. It's breaking down in the lower range of your esophagus. So you're breathing through the pie and you're going. And then intermittently, David Muir is coming in and explaining Gaza to you. And that's used. That was the news. Now the news is your, your, your daughter comes home because nobody used to care about anything, by the way, kids didn't care about anything ever. No one cared about anything. I was a child. No one really cared. Nobody was in, engaged. 16 year old girls were not screaming about colonialism in, in 1997. That's not what was going on. But now how you get the news is your daughter comes in and she's really upset about something she saw on TikTok. And then she goes, look at this. And then she hands you the phone. And then you're watching this a girl on TikTok and she's like standing on a mound of rubble. Okay. And she's going, my family was burned. They were burned alive. Can you come get me? My family was burned. And, and, and then you have to explain to your daughter, you got to go, honey. There's always people being burned alive. In our world. What do you mean? Honey, you're so lucky. That's why I tell you to never complain about anything. You're so lucky to get on a bus in our little, a little, you know, Pacific Northwest suburb with our crisp air and our alpine lakes. And you're so lucky to get on a bus and go to a school and have your biggest problem be that Sarah doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. I tell you friendships, they change, people grow apart. And then sometimes they reconnect later on. Remember when we had that talk? You're so lucky that that's your biggest problem because there's many people your age that are being burned alive right now in their homes. They're being burned alive in their homes and they're watching their parents burn. And the thing about fire is that you can, you scream while you're being burned. Honey, this is something that people don't realize, but actually while you're engulfed in flames, you are still screaming and you can still hear it. And it's a terrible way to die to be burned alive while you still scream. And that's happening all over the world all the time. And honey, and why is it happening? Why can't it stop? Why are we funding it? Why don't you care? Hey, hey, calm down. The world is very complicated and very big. It's a big world. The world is very big. And in a big, complicated world where there's lots of different people, some of them are going to burn each other alive. Some of them are going to cook each other in pots. And there's just not much we can do about it. But what I'd like you to do is stop getting so upset about it. And then they go, this is why they had to ban TikTok. They don't care about your kids' mental health, by the way. They don't. All they give them is poison little waffle bites. And that's all children are given from the time in this country. They're three until they hit puberty, which they're now hitting it like 10, by the way. Like kids are going through puberty. Women are fully pregnant at 12 years old, smoking cigs on welfare. And it's because they're eating these little these little waffle, these little waffle bites and little pancake crisps and all kinds of weird, fruity dinner. And what they really are is little tranny bites because it does change, you know, and people become trans from the breakfast cereal. They have the thing with the count chocolate and then the snacks, that frog, all of these things. So all these kids are poisoned with little French toast, hot fudge, Sunday, little, you know, they, they'll put like a little, like some type of like a little mini cake. And then that becomes a cereal, like, you know, right. Right. Common sweeteners may be accelerating puberty and kids. Yeah, whatever. It's not a science show. I'm not going to go into the whole thing here. But my point is that all of these sugar cereals drive your kids insane. They spike your insulin, they crash. And by the way, anyone who's genuinely trans, you know, we obviously love and support you. Look at me. I'm literally identifying as a rabbi right now. But, you know, I think, you know, there's a lot of like, hey, a little social contagion I want to be cool to, which is fine. And not for every, it's more the women that are doing that, the women, the trans women, the dudes want to be women are kind of more legit. And then also like some of the women who want to be men are clearly legit. But I just say, Hey, everyone, let's not do the hormones early. Let's just wait a little bit until we're totally sure, totally certain. And then you do you. I don't care. It doesn't matter. But so, but we don't care about your kids' mental health. We would not feed them the food we do if we cared about their mental health. We never would do that. We wouldn't, you know, the diet of everything they get really in this country, the pressure that's put on them, all these kids that have to get into Ivy League schools, some of them kill themselves. There was a school in L.A. Harvard Westlake. These kids were under so much pressure to get into top colleges that they, I believe they hung themselves or one of them might have shot themselves. I'm just saying how terrible it is, the pressure that is put on children in this country to excel. Now, the opposite of that is my fat useless parents putting no pressure on me to do anything. Also not good, by the way, footnote. But I'm just saying we don't care about the kids' health. The reason that we wanted to ban TikTok had nothing to do with bullying and it had nothing to do with mental health. It was the fact that kids were starting to look at the world and go, why is this like this? Why are we, why is this happening? Why is everybody getting killed? And then parents had to have these really uncomfortable conversations with their children about the fact that, hey, it's just part of the game. It's part of the game. It's part of the game. So then they had to ban TikTok, which didn't work, but they did try. And who knows, it may soon work. We don't know. But I'm telling you right now, yet two tragic years at LA's most elite private school at Harvard Westlake, four students, two alumni and one parent have all taken their own lives. And that's very sad. All right, I don't want to read the article, but I am, I'm not lying to that's true. And a lot of these people are taking their own lives because they're under pressure to succeed and to excel. And we do that to children, whether it's in sports, whether it's in academics. So we're not a country that prioritizes anybody's mental health. Nobody's not adults, not adults, not adults. We don't prioritize anybody's mental health. We don't. We never have. We don't. So anytime somebody goes, actually, we got to start thinking about the mental health. There's another agenda. It's easy to see. There's actually another agenda. Does this come across as anti-Semitic with the girls? I'm only wondering what the curls because this is how the costume came at Spirit Halloween. But my point is this, if we had TikTok during the Iraq war, kids would have been going nuts. You, you know, people were flipped out during the Iraq war and they were only watching that heavily edited cable news. We had the internet, but what you weren't, you know, there were documentaries made, but you weren't getting that live up to the minute, live feed of what was going on in the world, right? Now you are confronted with every horror. So there is no more news. Here's my point. This is the point. There's always a point. Actually, there is. There's no more news. The news doesn't exist. The news doesn't really exist anymore. Everything is pretty accessible now. You can watch the speeches being given by a lot of the people that are making news. You can watch a war zone on your phone. Does it look like they're avoiding civilian casualties? You know what I mean? All of this is very accessible to you and you can see it and go, huh, there is no news. Doesn't really matter what Barry Weiss does with the CBS. Doesn't really matter. These institutions are done. We are getting it direct from the source. Now we're getting it directly from the regions of the world that it is happening. That doesn't mean we're not subject to misinformation and AI and eventually deep fakes and all of that. Obviously we are. But you have more information now, raw information in your hand than you've ever had before. Children that are growing up right now are never going to go back to watching the CBS Evening News. They're never going to go back to watching the CBS Evening News. God bless the Ellison's and Paramount and whoever. It's just a dying brand. It's a dinosaur. The medium is crumbling. They have lost the public. And more importantly, they've lost young people completely because young people are realizing they're being propagandized at a level that older people gladly accepted. It was normal. It was fine. Older people were OK with being propagandized as long as they got a few things out of it. The young people are getting nothing out of it. Wait, you're lying to us and I can't own a house. I can barely have a job. I have to be forced into the gig economy. I get to deliver burritos and I have to listen to this bullshit and I have to pretend that this is all real and I can't afford frozen yogurt with my girlfriend. And I have to go along with this horse shit and I have nothing and no money for it. If you're doing something, you want to get something out of it. If you are going to delude yourself and believe the bullshit on the news, you have to get a little bit out of it. And what Americans got for many years was a patch of dirt, a little driveway and a chance. They don't have any of that anymore. We've taken that all away from them. We've pushed them into a gig economy. We've pushed them into the hellscape of rent that goes up every single year. And the propaganda is actually getting worse. It's getting more disconnected from reality, more Orwellian. We're asking them to believe crazier and crazier things and taking away the little bit that most people had. People don't want to be billionaires. People want a house, a family, a little retirement plan, some money in the bank. If there's an emergency, they want health care. They want some kind of steady job. They want a community with people that share their values. They're getting none of that right now. They're getting none of that. They're getting Kris Jenner's third head. Kris Jenner has a third head and everybody's excited about it. People will tell you that people that don't have any of those things will tell you that they like Kris Jenner's new head. Or they're excited that Taylor Swift, a billionaire, is going to marry Travis Kelsey, the man who was birthed by Pfizer. And people have to live vicariously now through that. Why are the kids turning on the engines of propaganda? Number one, they're too smart. The technology is there. They know they're being lied to. Here's number two. You're taking all of the things away from them that this entire system was supposedly purportedly set up to help them achieve. So if I'm a member of the ruling class, I'm going, what are we doing here? What exactly is happening? We're asking these people to believe this bullshit that Jeffrey Epstein is just like a weirdo rich guy. No one else did anything wrong. We don't have any of the files and the videos aren't real. It's actually nothing. Nothing happened. Everything's fine. He never had any relationship with our intelligence agency or another intelligence agency. He had no relationships with anybody. Nobody did anything. He was just a weird rich guy. Don't worry about it. We're asking people to believe all of this stuff and telling them. And the reward for that, the reward for that, okay, is to deliver a Caesar salad to someone. That's the reward. Your job now is to deliver a Caesar salad. Not that it would have been right to buy the bullshit anyway, even if you had the things. But I'm just telling you how the country ran for a hundred years. That's what I'm telling you. I'm not saying it was morally correct to go, I'll take the house and the car and you fucking kill everybody. I'm telling you, that's how it worked. That's how the country ran for ever. You shut your mouth. You go, I don't want to get into that. I don't know yet. It's a government lab. Kids are disappearing. Shut up. Eat your lasagna. Your mother made lasagna. That's the way it worked. Now everybody's, you know, in a broken home trying to get some job as a personal assistant, you know, for some woman who's on her third head. So you're scrounging around your car to find change to get Del Taco and you're getting a call from a woman who's bandaged up because she has her third head and she's asking you to go to the pharmacy for her and get the injection she needs to inject into her face so that it doesn't fall off. And then you're going on your phone and all you hear is, help me. I'm being burned. My family is being burned. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you burning me? Do you see how it's an unsustainable model? Do you see that? Do you understand that? Am I, am I completely, you know, it's interesting about these Trader Joe's bagels. They look better than you think they would. They actually aren't. I'm not. 9 11. Not good. I'm an alcoholic unless I would try the wine. But my point is this and again, nothing about to suggest cultural insensitivity. I hope it doesn't. It's a costume sold. I was trying to get a Shrymel. I was trying to get a Shrymel and I called very connected people very high up. And unfortunately, because it's Saturday and it's what do they call it Shabbat? I couldn't get a Shrymel. So I'm in my car and we pulled over. I was with a friend of mine and then we're going through this very orthodox area of Los Angeles and yes, go, go, go, make it big. That's how I was going to show up here. That's exactly what I was going to do, but we couldn't. So we had to go to fucking Spirit Halloween. You'd think I'd be past this in my career, but I'm not. And I'm making an important point about the global nature of whatever. Here's the point. We're in my car. We're driving through a Los Angeles, a very orthodox area. And there was what were they, 15 or 16? Yeah, there was a bunch of kids running around in the garb. So we pull over the the Roli and I said, and it's Jewish kids. So, you know, the obvious is weird to just talk to random children. Right. It's odd, obviously, not for everyone in our country. OK, but we I say, come here, I called them over. I called them over and I said, hey, what's up? Can I ask you a question? They go, yeah, I go to the hat, the Shrymel. Could I get one? And they go, hey, man, they go, we're not that sect. They go, are you Jewish? I go, no, but my car is and they left. It got a laugh. And then I said, I'm a comedian and and I want a Shrymel for something I'm doing. They go, what's your name? And I go, Tim Dylan, he goes, my mom listens to you. And I said, thank you. Thank you for the support from all the communities. And and then we joked around a little bit with them. But then and they were explained to us that the Shrymel is a whole different thing. And it's a lot of money. One of the kids goes, it's expensive. And I was like, we got it. But beautiful interaction there. And I believe that I actually believe in all of the cultures getting together. I really do. But what I what I'm what I'm what I'm saying here is that they can get this out of here. Now, please, I'm just staring at this picture of the Shrymel, but I do love the hat. But we tried to do better than this. But at the end of the day, we had to go to Spirit Halloween and Bev Mo. And get this little set. But what my my point here, if there is a point and you're always this point is that. I'm excited to see what Barry does with CBS. I really am. I I'm I'm excited. I I I'm excited to see what it what it is. I'm happy about it. I hopefully I will be considered to be a correspondent. I think I have the look for it. And I I'm very bullish on the future of the at least the next six months to a year of whatever train wreck that will be, because down the road, it's all the kids are off. You're turning it off. All of these people think they can wrestle younger people back to these platforms and back to the bullshit. It's not going to happen. It's certainly not going to happen when none of them, you know, could afford a bottled water. It's certainly not going to happen. You can't impoverish in a misery and sink a bunch of people into debt and then say, and hey, and we got a bunch of fairy tales for you all to believe now. And now it's story time. Hey, you're all broke. You're all broke and have nothing. Now it's story time. Now we're going to tell you how it all works. Jeffrey Epstein was a magical magician that lived in a castle like you. You can't have people running around, chomping at her all, staying up till three in the morning, writing a dissertation on God knows what to get a meaningless degree that they have shoved all of their hopes and dreams into that's going to result in nothing. They're in mountains of debt. They're living in a little complex and they're spending way too much of their money on rent. Car insurance. They have no health care. They hope to God nothing happens to them. They're going to urgent care. They're buying Z packs off the street. And then they're trying to date each other, trying to find someone to love and to commit to and have a family with. It's all very difficult. It's all incredibly difficult. All the while being told their special and unique geniuses and this entire period of their life is going to be very valuable to them when they're incredibly successful. They can turn around and talk about how the hard times built character. It's the mother load. As Sam Harris, our friend, would say the mother load of bad ideas to tell a bunch of people that they should spend most of their life being delusional psychopaths, hoping that things work out. And I think people are waking up a little bit and going, that doesn't really make sense anymore. And I think some of the stories you're telling me are also responsible for why I'm in the position I'm in. People are kind of waking up to that. They're going, I think the Epstein things a lie, but I also think the like that I'm going to be OK as a lie. And if I work hard and I'm honest as a lie and if I obey the rules as a lie and if I'm respectful of other people, it's a lie. And if I don't call things out that are blatantly obvious to everyone, it's a lie. I think all of the lies are actually enforcing all of the other lies. And I don't want to believe any of them. And it's radicalizing quite a few people, not me. Look at me. I'm fine. But most people out there having real problems with radicalization. I'm seeing this younger people to the far left, to the far right, you know, and even worse, to Taylor Swift. That's even more disturbing. I mean, I've spoken in narco-communist and Nazis and there is nothing more disturbing than talking to someone who's really, really, really into Taylor Swift. There's something very disturbing about that. At least there's a historical precedent for being a Stalinist or a Nazi. This fucking Taylor Swift fucking shit is absurd. It's extreme and there's no way to contextualize it in a way that makes me makes me hopeful at all for the future. Nazis eventually lose so do communists historically. But these Swifties, I don't know. I don't know that they will lose. The breed of normie that they represent, I feel, is going to do a tremendous amount of damage and already is to our society. This breed of white converse shoe wearing Austin City limits going idiot that runs around eating caviar and following influencers and believing that life is about going on vacations. These people are going to destroy civilization at a faster pace than any of the political radicals in my estimation, in my estimation. You know, TimDillonComedy.com for any of your live needs were on the road this fall and then this winter will be in other places, but we're getting the hour together in some of the best clubs in America and then moving on to theaters. But you can see me in Columbus, Ohio. You could see me in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia or Abu Dhabi. You could see me in Oklahoma City in Phoenix, Arizona in Fort Lauderdale in Chicago in San Jose in Salt Lake City. You could see me in Chicago. I think I said you can see me as well in Orange County, California in Brian. You could see me in Colorado, Tim Dillon Comedy and Houston TimDillonComedy.com. That'll take us through January. That is the rub, much success to Barry Weiss, much success, Maasal. Maasal. And we are very excited and hopefully will be chosen as a correspondent for the reinvention of CBS News. And you know what this means with Barry taking over CBS? The last two words that octogenarians are going to say before they collapse into cardiac arrest on their couch is human shields. They're going to go, they're going to go, human shields. What are they supposed to do?
