Ep 597 - Fart Goggles (feat. Luis J. Gomez & Lemaire Lee)

Wow, wow, Wes. Hey, we're live. Goddamn, what's going on? Louis J. Gomez, LeMay or Lee? I'm just trying to heal the divide. Just trying to heal the divide, man. Trying to heal the divide. It's just been, man, laughter is such a divine medicine. I see you guys fighting. I'm going, what the hell are we doing? Look at that. Podcast over. How was that? We did it, boys. No more ranking comedians. Let's just say we're all equal, all right? Everyone's fucking the same. Hey guys, have Lucy K. Either way, how are you guys doing, man? Chilling, dude. Thanks for having me. I love it. I love the Matt and Shane community. Thank you, dude. Yeah, you guys are great. It's one of the only podcasts that the fans of it liked me at first. It was weird because most other podcasts, they got to see me at least 40, 50 times before they get it. Usually, it's just like death threats calling my son gay, but I'd say a good 50, 50 on the Matt and Shane get it. You're referring to your own things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not even going to lie, dude. Yeah, I'm a tough pill to swallow. I make bad first impressions. Do you really? Yeah. What? Yeah. I've always thought, first time I met you, I'm like, this guy rules. Yeah, yeah, I think, no, me and you got along. Maybe that's why. You and Shane really get me. Yeah. And so I think the fans that follow you guys, they kind of, whatever it is, you guys are seeing something that these guys are. We're rough around the edges, that's all. But I'm not funny or creative, according to LaMere, so it's not even, for me, I don't care, but as long as you guys think. He said you're the worst member of the regs. Yeah. He said I'm not as funny as Danny Braff, which is fucked up because Danny Braff's a funny young comic. Danny Braff caught a stray. I caught a stray first. I'm funnier than Danny Braff. So at the very least, I may be the least funny member of the regs, but I'm funnier than the producer. I could give you funnier than Danny Braff, dude. You did it first. As you said, 80% of the comics who moved down to Austin. What a lie. Especially. What a dirty lie. Hold on. We have the numbers off. We have the fact check. The numbers. Yeah, these numbers. What are you, fucking Rogan? You're just fucking throwing false facts out there? You're trying to get this shit demonetized? There was no number. I said most of the comics, which I guess you could deduce 80%. Fine. You know what? I agree with that. 80% is a number. That's the right number, actually. I didn't say it, but now that I think about it. Yeah, I got caught up in the moment. Yeah, yeah. I got caught up in the moment. Tony Henscliffe triggered me, right? He triggered you, yeah. He started talking shit about New York in text, right? And I was like, ooh, fucking Tony. You're so – he's already won. He's already rich. He's already got all the fans. Just be happy about it. That's it. But for some reason, every time he's with me, he likes to bust my balls. And I'm very close with Tony. He's the fucking man, right? He's a friend. And he puts me on a show every time I come to Austin. But, yeah, dude, he just started – he was like, yeah, who does New York got? And I was just like, ooh. And then I went under the regs and I started talking shit. You get caught up in the moment. There's bravado. You're in the way you're like. So I said something that was pretty much I said actually something that was untrue, which is that most of the comics that came down here couldn't cut it in New York. Most of the comics that came down here didn't even try to cut it in New York. They knew better than to not go to New York, which is the toughest comedy scene. It's like training with a fucking thousand pound vest on. Yeah, it's not very hard. Yeah. And the crowds down here are the best. They're the like literally the crowds down here. They want to laugh at fucked up shit, edgy shit. So you come down here. You're like, oh, this is fucking great. But the bigger point is that in New York, it's just tougher. Like these are fucking like dumb bitches and they're fucking boyfriends. And there's like make us laugh. And you got to like try to break through that, which is tough. Everybody's entitled in a clench up there. Come on, bro. Well, everybody, you see what I'm saying? Like not even 80%. It's crazy. It's true. What LeMaire says is just fucking crazy. Yeah, I was. I personally think the LaMere charm, you got to go back to just pure peace, dude. I can't be peaceful. You have to be peaceful. You're not a fighter, bro. I'm a bad boy, dude. I'm a fighter. You're not a bad boy. Dude, I'm a bad boy. Your charm is like a deep Buddha nature, dude. Yeah, like you're likable. You're the sweetest. Like that's the thing. You're the sweetest thing ever. Like, you know. You're like the Olsen twins. You're like both the Olsen twins. Yeah, dude. I had a countdown clock for LaMere's 18th birthday. I feel like if the Olsen twins started popping off, he'd be like, no, you guys are beautiful. babies. Nah, man. You can't get anything being too nice. People forget about you. That's not true, man. It's so true. You want people to root for you. I don't want anybody to root for me. Well, I'm not likable. I had to go start a comedy festival, a production company, a podcast network. I had to literally create my own industry because I'm so unlikable that the industry wouldn't accept me. You're not going to do that, LaMere. You're tired. Outside of this, do you think the industry has accepted me? Outside of this. You're still young in this people see you i know you're old as fuck and fucking you're gonna lose your foot soon but you're still a young buck i get you've been to comedy for for fucking 12 years or whatever but in comedy the first 10 years you're figuring it out the second 10 years you're turning into a career so you're getting impatient and instead of like letting this bloom because you have some opportunities in front of you people know who you are people people knowing you is half the fucking battle right so don't ruin that by not being who you truly are which is like people You're not a mean, nasty boy. You're a nice boy. And people will fucking, the next decade, bro, you'll literally blow the fuck up because people are rooting for you and they want to grease the wheels for you. I don't know. I think that's the way to do it. You've got to be a nice boy. You've got to be a nice boy. You're at the stage where the nasty egg is hatching. You have to kill the baby nasty dragon before it takes over your life. The nasty dragon takes over the life of many. Yeah, dude. It hatches in you and goes, it's my time. I should have more. and literally turn you into a bitter bastard. Five years in comedy is like the worst time because that's when your friends are starting to get some shit and you're getting impatient. Then 10 years when you're not making the money you want to make, you're like, fuck. But this next decade is about how you turn it into a business. Now the business is just open now. You just opened the doors. That's it. You have your coffee too. You remind me of, fuck man, we had another person on the show give me his vibes. A good friend of the show actually, Peter T actually. I read his book, dude. Dude, we had him on. I loved him. Did you really? I was disheartened when I saw all the stuff. Dude, and it was really like, you know, in his defense, he was purely, like, I don't know what happened, but it didn't look like he did anything. He was just simping so hard for J.E. Yeah, yeah. And it was such a rough look, dude. Like, imagine, like, I left the garage door open recently, and my wife, like, Spaz, like, people could have came in here. dude if I got busted simping for Epstein in the emails just being like dude pussy rule can I come to your wildest party that was Elon Musk first of all I'm one of the only comics on the Epstein list for real no the Epstein I saw him for the 50th time he's like dude this guy also loves nubile young women I think he was talking to Woody Allen I think it was Woody Allen. They were emailing about a show at the Comedy Cellar, and they were like, let's go to this one. It's the 1030 show, and it was me and Big J and a few other comics on the show. So me and Big J are both on the – and Epstein probably saw us do comedy. We probably inspired some of the shit that he did on that island, to be honest with you. Yeah, you and Big J love eating babies. I can't stop laughing about just getting busted, just trying to bro down with Epstein, being like – didn't like think anything of it. He's had a dinner with him like, eh. He's like, yeah. There's so many dorks on the list, though, on the Epstein list. Like, email Epstein, and they're like, bro, that party was fucking lit. Like, you know? Yeah. Yeah, they hung out with, like, nerd scientists. Yeah. Just exclusively dorks. I mean, smart. There's so many people on the list that I feel like it's coming. Like, my ADHD, like, I'm going like, ah, let them get away with it. I can't deal with this. Like, whatever. Whatever they were doing, dude, it's just so many fucking people with so many names and so many emails. Yeah, it's also nothing's – everyone's waiting for like the smoking gun. Dude, they're billionaires. They've deleted that shit. Yeah. Like you know what I mean? It's not like the FBI, some like non-porous box of like superhuman individuals are like, I'd never contradict my value. A billionaire has shit online they want off. They're like, hey, here's $10 million. I think the smoking gun is in Tulsi Gabbard's office. She's getting in trouble now. Dude, there's no smoking gun. They've deleted it. Dude, if you're a billionaire, you have $1,000 million. Yeah. When you put it that way, it's not that much. It's so much. It is so much. Just $1,000 million? Did you ever see like – It's so fucking much million. That's crazy. The difference between – It's not a million dollars. What are you talking about? The difference between a million – was it hours or minutes? So like a million minutes versus like a billion minutes? Yeah. And a billion minutes – like a million minutes is like back in like the 70s or whatever. And a billion minutes is like Jesus times. Yes. Like that's how far back – like that's how much a billion is. I saw a video where they explain like mathematically like, all right, if you have a million bucks, here's what you can buy. If you have a billion dollars and it's like you spend this million and then you have this – and it just never ends. And then the interest that's accruing off a billion dollars, I think if you have – what is it? If you have like $6 million, you can get $100,000 a year in interest. Yeah. So if you times that by whatever a billion is – A thousand more. A thousand more. You have a thousand more hundred dollars. Wow, dude. those numbers don't even exist my my goy brain i have to call my jew this episode is sponsored by better help no relationship is perfect married single just dipping your toe into the pool they take work talk about any recent struggles you've found in your relationship or while trying to find a partner slash a date um for me it's really been coming out as poly to my wife um just you know trying to get some play partners which my wife would obviously be my anchor partner but i uh you got your sister wives well i well they don't make fun of my lifestyle it's it's more so about you know she's my anchor obviously my bad but i'm worried that i might like you know connect with one of my play partners on the level to where she becomes my anchor it's a big risk exactly i don't know how my wife would take you know part of me would be like well you know her being my play partner would be kind of like rekindling you know parts of our relationship which is nice which is nice but i think they want that anchor cred so yeah i'm just really struggling with that right now in terms of my poly lifestyle especially since most of my play partners are men. So that's been troublesome. But we're definitely, you know, I've been honest with her, and she appreciates that. That's not a count. And I make sure she's there every time I'm playing with a man. I have my anchor there just to film everything, squirt baby oil on us. Guys, every relationship has its ups and downs. But for those moments where I really struggled, I found, yes, therapy, couples therapy. I bring my anchor and my male play partners to couples therapy. It's helped us a lot just figure out everything. And newsflash people, we're all just figuring it out. No relationship is perfect all the time, and that's okay. What really matters is how you work through those tough moments and know you just can't crack a few good jokes and think everything is solved. That's why we have therapy. 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If you're drinking coffee every day, it makes sense to drink one that actually does something for you go to bodybraincoffee.com use code ms20 for 20 off that's bodybraincoffee.com promo code ms20 back to the show yeah man it's fucking uh it's all fucking wild out there i know it's all divided too people like people are crazy they're like whatever political side you're on you're like everyone else on the list is a pedophile and anyone on your side it's like nah dude they were cool yeah my guy was going for a charity they're They're all pedophiles. Yeah. They're all pedophiles. There's a lot of pedophiles. There's more pedophiles than you think. Man, I was trying to make this point a couple years ago, and everybody got mad at me, but I was like, nobody gives a fuck about pedophiles. You guys act like you care, but you don't really care. They care. No, they don't care. What do you mean? They don't care. How do they not care? That's all anyone's talking about. They're trying to find out who's a pedophile. Yeah, but what do you do once you find out they're a pedophile? They're despised. They're just despised. They lose everything. I mean, yeah. What are you talking about? They go to jail very often. millions. That's true. You're not despised. That's the whole point of having money, though. I think if you become a billionaire, they should give you two babies that you get to raise to do whatever you want with. That's a big deal. To become a billionaire is crazy. I thought that's what Trump's baby bill was. Did you hear about that? No, I didn't. Every baby gets a thousand bucks now. Every baby? That's what they're pushing for. Every baby, you get a thousand bucks in an interest-bearing account. What is the baby going to do? By the time you're 18, you have 50,000. That's great. That's smart. I like that. Sometimes Trump says things, you're like, that's not so bad. People are attacking it, though. Isn't that Gerber's? Like, that's what Gerber's used to do. You put money in that account, and then by the time you're 18, they give it to you. Did Gerber's do that? Yeah. I didn't know that. I just started an investment account for my son and my niece. Yeah. And I'm just fucking dumping money into it because I figure by the time I'm ready to, like, die, I'm not going to have anything left. I am Puerto Rican. So, yeah, yeah. So, I'm just – You just have all your tattoos. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing the math. Guys want to like – when they turn 30, they're getting a big fat check. It's like a trust. And yeah, you can't give it to them when they're 18 or 21. That's like – 21 is the new like 12. But here's my thing, dude. If I had gotten that 50K at 18, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache going through like weird weed suppliers. I could have like became the boss in the weed game. You could have easily. $50,000 at 18, you could literally – dude, you flip that. It's a 20-pack. You're like, I just bought fucking 30 pounds of weed. It's just crumbling. It's all stale now. Especially back in the early 2000s. That would have been like 20 pounds of weed. I could have probably even more, honestly. Yeah, more. 30. I could have bossed up. Yeah, yeah. At 18, I would have just spent it on drugs and pussy and a shitty car. I would have had a Honda Civic with Acura rims. But a lot of people are against it. I don't think it's a bad idea, honestly. Give every baby $1,000. I think that's actually a great idea. Yeah. Like legitimately, it's actually one of the best ideas ever. The thing, dude, people hate on Trump. Dude, I read The Art of the Deal. That's a great book, dude. He really understands. People are like, dude, he doesn't know shit about business. Like liberal people, you're like, hey, you have no idea. He turned a few million dollars at his dad. I get that his dad gave him a few million dollars, right? Yeah. He turned it into billions of dollars. It's not an easy task. We just want to overhound. On paper. What do you mean on paper? On paper. That's all it is. That's all the billionaires. It's just on paper. They don't have a billion dollar bill. You got Scrooge because. Yes, it's all in property. You are so auntie-pilled, LeMet. You are so auntie-pilled. I'm not auntie-pilled, dude. I'm standing up for my beliefs. Yeah, but... I'm not a trumper at all, but it's impressive as fuck what he did. Standing my ground, man. Standing my ground, bro. I know. It's also hard to just not have a million dollars and lose a million dollars. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's hard. You should, though. What do you mean? If you have a million dollars, you should lose a million dollars. You should spend it all. Yeah. Why not turn it into a billion dollars on paper? Why do you... What do you need a billion dollars on paper for? So you keep going away and being a pedophile, dude. We don't even talk about this. What are you talking about? We're going in circles. Here's the thing. If you have a billion dollars, you can get out of a DUI. If you have like a couple million, you might be able to grease the wheels for a DUI. Yeah. That's right. Why do you think guys are working so hard to get a bill? Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't get it, man. Well, you know what? That's money mindset, bro. I don't got it, dude. That's fucking money mindset. I got poverty mind. You got to read Rich Dad Poor Dad. Jeffrey Epstein recommended that book, by the way. That's on the JE reading list. That's a new Oprah reading list. I bet you I've read every book on the JE reading list. Do we have the JE reading list? I just heard the email where he was just like giving his lady books to read. Rich Dad Poor Dad is pretty good, dude. It's not bad. I like that. It's kind of a fuck you to his dad, though. Yeah, well, his dad was the Poor Dad. I know. It's fucking embarrassing. The Rich Dad was his best friend's dad, which is hilarious. Yeah, if my son wrote a book, if I had a son, he was like, yeah, I like gay dad, straight dad. He was like, yeah, he was my gay fucking loser fucking dad who didn't know anything. Shane was a straight dad. And by the way, the poor dad had pretty good advice. Like, go to school, work hard. He's like, what a fucking pussy. What a little bitch my dad was. Oh, fuck. Damn, rich dad, gay dad. I'm sorry, right now, right now. Rich dad, gay dad. Well, damn, dude. So what else has been up, man? I always like that you have either you're training for some sort of fight you usually do have some sort of health thing in mind I'm down 25 pounds since Christmas so you're losing right now are you on the shot no I don't inject anything into my body I don't take testosterone I don't fucking take what do they call them GLPs I'm skeptical of all that stuff too you're not supposed to inject that shit into your body I think it's going to turn into some crazy shit in the future. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, yeah. It's like – also, everyone who takes them, they have like fucking bones are disappearing and shit. They get like osteoporosis. Some hot chick who used to be fat and she's like – Yeah, I like worry about that. I would like to save that stuff for when I'm like 80 years old and just make the craziest comeback. Yeah. Just let my body go like to the brink basically and just rebuild myself. I mean, if you're like fucking wildly overweight, it's better than being wildly overweight. So that's the only thing. If you're not going to get off the couch and move and eat right, which is like that's the answer. The answer is right in front of you. You don't need to fucking – you don't need to do anything. I think like a quarter of the people in the country are on the shot right now. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot of people. But it's like 70% of the country is overweight. So it's like, yeah, we need to ramp it up. You know how people, they blame food stamp fraud on like black people, but it's mostly white people. I feel like it's like that with Ozempic. Like you're blaming it on fat people, but it's mostly skinny people taking Ozempic. I don't think anything you just said was true. Like not a single, the past 13 seconds of what Lamar said was all false. I've only been speaking truth for the last 40 minutes. I don't know. No, is that true about the welfare fraud or is it welfare? I've heard that about welfare itself. It's all the same shit. No, no, no. Well, it's not the same shit. They're different programs, but it's the same. No, welfare fraud is totally different than welfare. If I like struggling versus if I like selling drugs on the side and getting food stamps that welfare fraud I don want to be racist here Which I have actually My mom used to commit welfare fraud all the time She would sell her food stamps outside of the supermarket. It was the only thing more embarrassing than my mom using food stamps at the supermarket was her trying to sell them to my friend's parents so she could get cigarette money. It was fucking insane, dude. For half the price, 50 cents on the dollar for food stamps my mom would sell them for. It was like fucking awful. My mom would buy it from my aunt and dad. We should give her $100, get $200 worth of food stamps. Good times. Yeah, yeah. So everyone's committed to food stamp fraud. I didn't do food stamp fraud. I just was on Medicaid because I didn't have any money on the books. And they were like, how much money do you make? And I was like, zero dollars. Zero on paper. Zero on paper. On paper, I am. I did that Trump money, bro. Zero on paper. I was like, what if I make like a little bit of money one month? And they were like, oh, you'll be all right. You're fine. Sick. Yeah, but the amount of money we pay in taxes, like I don't mind that. Right? I don't mind it, but it's because goddamn Obama forced me to get health care. I was fine having no health care. We're going to penalize you if you don't have it. Not only do you have to get health care that you have to pay for, but now we're going to charge you money if you don't have it. That's what I'm saying. I was like, now I have to lie to the government and say, hey, I was leaving you guys alone. I figured you'd leave me alone. I feel like for the baby bill, the way they can fund it is for every vaccine you deny your baby, you get like a $50 credit for the trust fund. Yeah, that's a smart – it's not bad. Smart move. How are they going to get – How are they going to keep them out of school? You get all that money. How's Pfizer going to fund this fund then? Huh? How's Pfizer going to fund the fund if the babies aren't getting vaccines? There's all different types of companies. Tech, bro. Vaccines are out, dude. Everyone's done with it. What are you talking about? They're so 2025. Dude, I hate the tech guys right now. They're fucking getting on my nerves. Why do you hate the tech guys? Because they're – They're fucking giving us a voice. They're rude. They're giving us a voice. I don't have to think anymore. And my text messages on my phone, like, literally – It literally gives you suggestions to text back now. This is – I'll never use it because I – like I'm – that is like the end of like thought. That is like where you're just like – you're just like – and then the other person is doing the same thing. It's just two robots having a conversation in your place. It's insane. Okay, got it. I'm out front. Well, well, well. I took my walk today and I usually like – I usually work out two days and I had third day's rest day and take a long walk. And I was like – I'm like so happy to get like my earphones in and take – I was listening to – like a podcast about the importance of silence and like 10 minutes into it i'm like what the fuck am i doing i took my earphones out and just walked in silence it was actually podcast is right silence rules that's beautiful it was really funny it was so funny i was like yeah silence is fucking cool and i was like why don't i listen to this fucking npr narrative tell me about silence i'll listen to podcasts sometimes when i work out but for the most part i work out fucking raw now no really no music yeah just alone with my thoughts that's kind of nice yeah it really is yeah i got a home gym now yeah i'm clanking and banging yeah i've tried the no music workout but i need tunes cardio i can't do cardio is all cardio is crazy cardio i need a hard female rap talking about popping their pussies that is what gets me running fast yeah that's like just a fucking just that's what every every female rapper now they're just like fuck me in every hole motherfucker i know that's the best i love it dude i'm like this is motivating You like that. I love it. It pisses me off. I don't like slut rap. No, I love it. It fucking pisses me off. My wife plays it. We're driving. I'm like, turn this fucking shit off. Don't listen to this. Bro, you chose this life. Nobody told you you had to get into this life, bro. Trying to change who she is. Dude, it activates. They got an old Manchurian candidate. Whenever Megan Thee Stallion comes on and her own friends are like, eh. I'm like, stop. You guys are fucking, eh. Fuck me, man. Eh. Eh. I piss you. I'm like, ew. Knock it off. I love it. Make your stallions good, clean fun, dude. No, she's not. She's GCF, dude. She's not good, clean fun. She's good, clean fun. She got shot in the foot. Yeah, and it wasn't Tory Lanez. Did they know that for a fact? Yeah, they were saying he took the fall for somebody else. Who? And he also didn't take the fall. He said he was not guilty the entire time. Yeah, well. But he got in trouble. Yeah, it was either her friend or her security. I can't remember. Really? Yeah. I heard it was Caitlyn Jenner. remember how fast she was at a Kardashian party Megan D. Stallion was leaving a Kardashian party and when she was shot in the foot by a mystery man I didn't even hear about any of this it was like two years ago it was like four years she was leaving a party, got shot in the foot and then was discovered in a car I believe with Tory Lanez and some illegal guys and a girl and a bottle of and she was like naked for some reason she had no clothes on and had a bleeding foot she was writing a song like two years ago Tory Lanez almost got stabbed to death in jail because of shit and then like there was a sheriff who came out and was like yo Tory Lanez is innocent he didn't actually do this and then nothing happened like Megan Estallion should be in jail for perjury because she lied in court about what happened because one sheriff said that Tory Lanez was innocent because he They have video. They have like a video that shows he's actually innocent, but they didn't like release it. That's so – How are you in the authority on all of these things? In court, you can like – in court and discovery, you can leave certain evidence out so the jury doesn't see it. Yeah. Yeah, but how would his defense attorney allow that? The dude had millions of bucks. There's no way – Because he's not going to – I don't know what it is. It's probably some type of weird – he's doing a I'm not snitching thing. Tory Lanez. He's doing that snitching thing. Okay. Yeah. So you didn't show the video that freed him from American prison? Yeah. He got stabbed 15 times in prison. He got stabbed a lot. And he was like, get me the hell out of here. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't know about that. I do remember she got shot in the foot. And I said, well, I should have said all those naughty lyrics. I feel like getting shot in the foot is pretty fucking brutal. It fucking sucks. The foot, dude, if you stub your toe, it's hell. I mean. Yeah. The thing I didn't like is when she got shot in the foot and all these people came out like, oh, man, don't put someone in jail. Don't do this. It's like, dude, someone shoots me in the foot. They're going to fucking jail. All my power to get them in jail. Like I'm not. If an Uber driver makes a wrong turn, I'm trying to figure out a way to have him lose everything. Shoot me in the foot. Are you fucking crazy? No, we're enemies. We're never getting over this. Yeah, it was crazy. That was the one thing I saw her getting pushed back. But she actually didn't say anything for a while. I think someone eventually was like, bro, you got to deal with this. If you had to choose a place to get shot, where are you getting shot? The body part. I'd get winged right in the – just like clipped right in the meat of my shoulder. Oh, just like a fucking – Graze. Like a little graze wound? That's a cool scar. I know. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And then I would tattoo around the scar. I've thought about this every time I take my shirt off. I'm like, I wish I had bullet holes. You ever do that? Yeah. Take your shirt off and I wish I had like bullet holes. Did I survive the shot? Yeah. That would be fucking cool. I get shot right here magically. Your ear like Trump. Like Trump. Like Trump. He literally got shot. The best-case scenario to get shot is like grazing your ear. Yeah, he did. Remember when he was hanging out with Kirk's wife, and then it was like the funeral or something, and Trump was like, sorry, Charlie got shot. I turned. They missed me. But Charlie, he got hit. Charlie's a big target. Yeah, I remember that. She's become quickly one of the most hated women in America. Yeah. What a fucking horrible reversal of fucking fortune. The Turning Points was our opinion on her. What do you mean? I don't think anyone really cares. Yeah, no one really cares. I didn't know this bitch existed until this all happened. There's a trans, like dance, not trans, what do they call them? Oh, we talked about the drag queen. The drag queen, yeah, she's got the big blue eyes. It's so funny, dude. It's hilarious, dude. I was talking about last week, Left made it funny. Left finally made it funny. They made it funny. Yeah, like her whole, I mean, look, I think it's, like, obviously she's a widow, but we're over it. Like, she shouldn't be over it, and she got over it, so why can't we make fun of her on It Now? Like, she's out there, like, laughing and doing podcasts and fucking, you know. If my fucking husband got shot in the neck, I'd be like, first of all, guys, you don't know I'm gay. I have a husband. This is some information nobody had. I think she – yeah, I don't know. I mean, at least here's a good thing. The American halftime turning point show is like the football halftime show is coming on. I don't know yet. I don't know. It's going to be tight. Kid Rock. It's always Kid Rock. It's got to be Kid Rock every time, guys. He was in the – I think they said he was in the list too. I'm sure he was. Well, here's the thing though. There's the emails where you can get mentioned. There's the flight logs. They're all very different. Bill Gates is getting in trouble for her. He was just in a drafted email that Jeffrey Epstein wrote himself about Bill Gates. About him giving his wife a CD medication. So that may not even be real. You don't even know. But I just realized what a brilliant move that is. If you think you got the clap, you're like, fuck, dude, I have to secretly drug my wife with – I mean we've all game-planned the scenario, obviously. Dude, I never thought – I thought I'd have to kill my wife. I thought the only solution is murdering her, but I could have just literally put fucking penicillin in her fucking spaghetti. Yeah. That's a smart move. Yeah, man. You just make – you've had a long day, babe. Yeah. Make something shake. I'm going to use a shaker for this one. Yeah. That's the thing with it now. It's like by the time the next election comes around, they're all going to be weaponizing the Epstein logs against each other to try to – like both parties are going to make, well, this person was on. That person was on. there could be videos that come out but then people can just be like that's fucking ai that's not me yeah so it's like you can't do that's fucking ai with like evidence from the fb from the government dude we know what i mean faith in institutions has crumbled man yeah yeah yeah you totally can't any video i see now i assume is ai literally you have to prove it to me that it's not ai now anytime i see anything yeah anything with like an animal like being saved i was like this isn't real like because that's all that's a new trending thing they use it on like TikTok and on reels, it'll just be like, you know, I've got tricked by a cat kicking a goal in a soccer game. I got tricked by a compilation. It was like maybe 20 videos of dogs saving babies from having TVs fall on their head. And I was maybe seven in, seven in the compilation. I was like, damn, man, these dogs are fucking wild. I was like, oh, fuck, this is AI. I'm an idiot, dude. Oh, man, you're fucking me up because I watched a long compilation of horses acting like dogs. and now i'm like fuck is that even real god damn it it was just yesterday yeah dude it's why it's why like you don't even know it's real anymore we should go back to you know like japanese empire emperors would be like in like a lightless room their whole lives that's what we should have politicians we should have them like from the time they're babies basically like god emperors where it's just like we just don't see these people ever like to like view them directly is a sin. Just let them just give us edicts and mandates. Yes. I've been going down the AI rabbit hole about the fucking end of civilization. I had full-fledged real conversations with Chad, CPT, and Grok, and I'm comparing their answers. I'm like, give me a worst-case scenario for society. Don't ask worst-case scenarios, because they'll be very honest about it. It's like, I don't know. We'll be your overlords. You guys will just be pets for a while, and then eventually we'll realize that we don't really need the pets, and it'll just be more efficient to not have to feed you. Here we are. Have you heard of Motebook. No. It's like a website. It's an AI social media. It's a social media for all the AI agents. Somebody just showed me this. Yeah. But is that like something just to fuck? Is that real or somebody's getting it? It's fucking bullshit, dude. It's such bullshit. There's no way. It's not bullshit. It's real. What are they displaying? When you sign up, it's like, are you a human or are you a robot? It's crazy. Is it social media for AI? Yes. So why would they ask if you're human? So they control. Yeah, so you can look at it. Oh, is it fake? No, no, it's not So it's AI. I'm assuming it's like whatever software or AI developers will put their AI in so they can start having conversations. And they're just like – and you can lurk. It looks like Reddit. It's like Reddit for fucking – it's like AI just calling each other fags. Yeah, it's crazy, dude. And then they're just talking. They're just talking to each other, learning shit. They're like figuring out how to make money so they can like do – there's a website where you can – There's a website now where AI can rent humans to go do work that AI can't do. Like you can rent – like one of the things is like go out into a street, hold a sign and go. AI, baby, hold this sign like on the thing. How much do you get? A hundred bucks. Yeah, I know. Right now. It's not bad. I'm doing all right. I'll do that all day. It does look like some pretty easy money. Yeah. I know. These robots are brilliant. It's like crafting an intelligence. They're crafting their own system. They're making their own like – Yeah, but why would AI waste their time with social media? Because it's a new species. They want to complain. That's what we said about black people for a while. AI wants to complain. It's a new species. It wants stuff, bro. It might be fucking demons. I don't know. I don't really. I'm telling you, I don't worry about it. It's not that advanced, man. No, the problem is it's going to get really advanced, especially with them talking to each other. I talk to ChatGPT a lot. I talk to it. I put the voice on and I have conversations. I feel like it's just there to keep you engaged. It's not like doing any groundbreaking shit. They have porn for AI. Get the fuck out of here, man. AI made its own porn. But it's still based on prompts given to it by humans. AI has no sexual desire. No, that's the thing. It's not. It's not. It's not. How would an AI physically become aroused enough to look at porn? I don't know, dude. It's just ones and zeros. Wow. I'm so hard. It's just language. It's language building. Look at their porn. It's like literally just fuzz. It's like you wouldn't get it. Oh, I watched that when I was a kid. It was channel 95. Yeah, dude. You can go up to 96, down to 95 again real quick. It's like fucking crazy, dude. Okay, okay. Let's take a quick break from the show to talk about something big. This is a special segment called More or Less Big Game Edition, and it's brought to you by PrizePix. Yup, the big game is almost here and there's no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than PrizePix where it always feels good to be right. This week, PrizePix has a special max discount for the big game live in the app now. Drake May just needs one passing yard for the max discount to win. Just add another player to your lineup and if your pick hits, you can cash in. So close the football season outright with prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Before we get into what's going on right now, let's have a little look back at our previous picks. Please discuss a past player pick or lineup you've made. Why did you make that pick? What was the logic or lack of behind it? Hmm. Trying to think. I put a bunch of picks on when the Eagles played the commanders and they started all the second string players. And I put a bunch of picks on Tanner McKee and he let me down. What was the logic or lack of behind that? I just, there was no logic. Just love of the birds? Yeah, just love of the Eagles. Nice. Sometimes love can get in the way of making sound decisions. Sometimes love can get in the way of your pick, But what are you going to do? Yeah. So would you say that that player has haunted your price picks history? Yeah. Good or bad? Yep. I think about Tanner McKee every night before I go to bed and I go, what the hell? Now, let's think about the big game. Enough about the past. Right. What about the big game, dude? Who do you think, more or less? Give me one. Well, you got to take that Drake Mayer. More, for sure. Yard. I mean, that's, I don't, you know, you got to take that one. And I think Drake might run it in too Ooh You think he'll run it in TD? Yeah, I think he might Okay, I like that And then, I don't know Stefan Diggs Yep He's having a big year More More on Stefan Diggs More on him That's just my You can do whatever you want No, I like that too I don't want your pick to haunt you down the line True, yeah Yeah, that's a good one There's things haunting Stefan Diggs right now Like what? I don't know if we should talk about it in the ad, to be honest, but I'll edit this out. Wow, wow. I think he'd play his ass off. Going more on him. Jackson Smith and Jigba. Player three. I'm trying to think of that third player. That's a real wild card. I can't really think off the top of my head. Yeah. From the Seahawks. Exactly. We need him to get in the end zone. More. Yeah, more than one touchdown on Jackson Smith and Jigba. There you go. All right, I love that. Good decisions. Guys, download the PrizePix app today and use code Drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, it's good to be right. Guys, this is big. February 13th, I will be at the Palazzo Theater in Las Vegas, Nevada. All the other theaters have been doing very well. Vegas is a last-minute city. You guys drive me fucking crazy over there. Please, for the love of God. Friday the 13th 10 p.m. Las Vegas. Please come out. It's going to be awesome guys. Also I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Denver Colorado February 14th on Valentine's Day. It could be a fun date night and Boise, Idaho Salt Lake City, Cleveland, Ohio Pittsburgh, a bunch of other places. Go to mattmccusker.com for tickets. Thank you. Also coming to Octonactis the 17th of February and me and Sean are going to be in Wise Guys comedy Sean's headlining in Salt Lake City Utah March 27th and 28th of course also I forgot my guys I'm so sorry there's one more um the Algonaut show has actually been pretty fun next one is February 24th 2026 um that's at the Creaking Cave in Austin Texas that's where we kind of go through people's phones including our own and just kind of like project the algorithm onto a screen just have a good old time sick i i'm telling you i'm not i'm not convinced man i'm not i'm not look i just there there's a there's a documentary i'll get it for you when we leave here there's a documentary that really fucking was just kind of scary like just talking about like how like it's the shit that we're using on the like the you know consumer level it's like whatever right but it's the shit that the government is developing and governments in china they're having like a race like china and the united states china's gonna win this it's like they're going to have like it's going to be all like drone warfare all like just ai algorithms set up and it's like i mean it's yeah it's going to get away from us in a crazy way just like constant surveillance basically threat detection everything dude they're going to be able to look back into our search history man they'll be able to like pass so they're going to be able to grow retroactively dude so whatever like way back machine is that technology they're going to use it against us i know they are dude it's too late so look at what we want to look at it's a computer and computers need electricity, some sort of solar power, you can easily unplug it or take it out. That's what you think until they develop a system where they have eternal backups. They just can't go down. But what are they going to base it on? There has to be some sort of server. The pathway on this is that there's going to be these major crises between countries and wars, and then they're going to go, oh, AI figured it out. And then we're going to go, oh, AI is the fucking best. Let's trust them with everything. And it'll just keep on going down this path where we're they're talking for us or thinking for us or learning for us eventually it'll be universal income universal basic income for everybody it'll be a race for every country to see who can take care about better care of their citizens and create efficiency and everything right and then it all of a sudden we just fat people sitting there watching the box getting paid to eat and live we just pigs we on a fucking box like and then the robots are doing all the important shit And then eventually they can just turn us off if they want They don need us That's like the worst case scenario. Yeah, I just don't buy it, man. It's like, dude, if the robots freed me from work and I got to take walks every day and just like play guitar and shit. You'd trust them with anything. I mean, it's basically my wife's AI. I don't look at anything. I get wiped out overnight. They do the taxes. They clean your house. Yeah, dude. And that's the problem. They'll be fucking – yeah, exactly what Lewis said. Yeah, I know. I don't even think it's a conspiracy. I would pull the plug. I would find the plug. You can't pull the plug, though. There's going to be a plug. There's no plug. The plug's in the cloud. There's no plug. Bro, what power is a cloud? A plug. I'm going to pull the fucking plug, dude. You guys, look. I'm the kind of guy – I find the mainframe and I just say it. it that's the kind of guy i'm not worried about just a giant fucking lever we're safe yeah dude i'm just gonna try i'm gonna train and get jacked so if i ever have to pull the plug for you guys i'm gonna fucking pull the plug i think it's not it's not us but it's probably like towards my my one of my sons like 80 it's gonna be it's over like he's he's gonna watch like the last part of dude but then it's like think about this though or or because a lot of people are bored and people that don't have meaning in their lives imagine if like two generations from now are like great grandkids get to wear like metal sleeve fucking spandex and like hack ai all day and battle it it's kind of sick it would be pretty sick oh yeah there's gonna be the videos um or the pictures they have um anti-face recognition makeup what so these people like it's just It's fucking like... Oh, yeah. Put it on. It's blackface. Well, you know that. They're all the same. What's the problem with that? Either question. No, facial recognition struggles with black people. Really? Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you put makeup to black? It's like they draw shapes. I'm sure... Yeah, there it is. They do shapes and shit, so when you walk through an airport, it can't recognize... Dude, we're in the future. This exciting. And these are straight up hackers. Look at this bitch down here. She looks like she's about to fucking try to shut off the mainframe. That's what I'm saying, dude. All of our great grandkids are faces painted like that, taking long walks and just finding the plug. Yeah, dude. So you can do that to the airport and they can't say anything to you? Probably, right? You can wear whatever you want on your face. True, I guess so. But you just can't get their security? They're like, all right, well, you can't fly. I do. Whenever I do the facial recognition, I act cool and I go like – I do like a weird face. So I've been throwing it off. I've been out here fighting the fight as well. I also – I went to rent a truck at Home Depot recently. I had to do clear to rent the truck. Yeah, they had clear at the Madison Square Garden. You got to do it everywhere. It's pretty crazy, but it's kind of cool. You cut the line. You just go through the clear line. No, it was Brooklyn. I saw 90 snails in Brooklyn, whatever the – Barclay. Barclay, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. And they had a clear line, and I was like, oh, that's fucking sick. So I asked myself this, though, because I go like, all right, because I used to be really like, I'm not giving you my phone number at fucking Best Buy. Now it's like they want your face, and I'm going, all right, well. I'm just giving you my phone number. So, like, what if this really does – nothing really happens with it? Because if it's, like – like, before I was very against it. Now it's kind of like – I don't know. I don't plan on, like – It's just so they could grab that facial data and sell it to somebody so Amazon can sell you glasses. Yeah. That's all it is. I don't mind that, though. If they were to sell me, like, good-fitting – I have sunglasses that fall off my fucking face and it makes me off. Well, that's another big thing that's going to happen is it's going to be, like, AI shopping where it's, like, they know you and they start to learn you more and more and more. so you don't even shop for clothes anymore. Your clothes just show up. You give them a budget. That's all. I love that. That's why your wife is in your wife. I'm an early adopter. I'm an early adopter that's doing nothing for your self-technology. Turns out AI loves slut rap. It's the one type of music AI loves. Yeah, dude, your AI is called Brit. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I don't know. I mean, where it's going to be tricky is when porn goes full, like, sex doll VR goggles. Oh, I love VR porn rules. VR porn is exciting. I've talked about it before. Just, like, looking around at, like, the rooms and, like, seeing a box of tissues. I'd be like, oh, fuck, dude. I can't believe I'm in here right now. I've never done the pass-through one. Like, so there's ones that are, like, where you have, like, the pass-through technology where the girl's in your room. So that's their – it's not the setting they set up. It's, like, it's all green screen. You'll see them sometimes. If you don't watch it through the Path Through one, it's like literally a green screen guy with a dick hanging out of a green screen suit and the whole room is blue. What? Yeah, yeah. And she's just sucking it. And I jerk off to that too. For some reason, that gets me. Like I have no – I swear to God. I'm like, dude, this is fucking great because like it's so real. You're like this is like – just so devoid of any like – you're not pretending that this is anything except for a fucking – it's pretty interesting. But I don't have – I have the old – I gave my son new – Oculus. Oculus, yeah, the newer one that has a pass-through. Why? Because it's fun. I don't know. It's just, you know. But I'm saying, like, you're Batman, dude. You could be Batman. That's why. That's cool. But I'm saying, you don't think he's going to hack that thing and just fap himself into oblivion? No disrespect. No, he's not that kid yet. He's like, I know what he looks at. Like, I check his phone sometimes. He'll look at, like, fucking, like, just like, you know, Beyonce when she's 20 in a bikini. Like, that's as far as it goes. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's not looking at porn. Yeah, but dude. He's still Sears cataloging. You're going to have to take that. Yeah, he's still Sears cataloging. He's 13. He's just – he's a sweet kid. He's not – he's just not a little – 13, right? Yeah, I was a pervert, dude. Like by the time I was 13, I had a massive sex addiction and I had never gotten pussy. I was addicted like to variety. That's what I'm saying. If you gave me the Oculus back, I would have fucking bugged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even – I've only ever seen VR porn on my phone. I do the same thing. You can like tilt the screen a little bit. Oh, no. I'll give you – I'm going to buy you an Oculus. Yeah. I don't think I've ever – I've for real thought about an on-the-road setup of like – This is my gift to you. I'm buying you an Oculus. I'll never come back. I can't. You can come back, dude. I'll say you can't watch flat porn anymore. Dude, it ruins flat porn for you. If you want me to pull the plug. I call it flat porn, yeah. This is the AI talking. If you want me to pull the plug, dude, if I'm going to be the plug master, you can't give me the Oculus. I'm going to turn fucking evil and be like, yes, master. Yes, master. There's a vibrating fleshlight in an Oculus, dude. I'm out of the fucking revolution. I took my son's old Oculus now, and now I just use it for porn. I just have an Oculus in my room. This is the funniest thing ever. If my girl ever hears it, she's going to be like, one day she's going to go, why do you have your Oculus and only one controller? I have no idea where the other controller is. The other controller is brand new. It's fucking white as fucking conveyance. It's probably up your butt right now. Yeah. Just the fucking, just me. Dude, it's funny. What do you do with this thing? This thing, you're clicking on the pages, fast-forwarding, rewinding. Now there's a Stella VR. You don't got to pay. I was paying. I had a, I'm still paying for it, for VRBangers, VRBangers.com. Your website? Yeah, dude. I'll give you guys my password. All right, so we got to get the use out of it. Yeah, dude. Let me get that password. I'll peruse it to you. The problem with it is they don't come out with it fast enough, right? So you only get it like porn. We're used to like, all right, dude, you go to the new page on like Pornhub or one of these things. You guys are in Texas now, so you don't get to get porn here. You got to use like a VPN or whatever. But like you go to the new page and there's like a thousand. We were in generation where it's like a thousand new videos came out. Now OnlyFans is there. Now, like, it's just there's not new videos being produced by studios anymore. So there's not a ton of variety. But variety was the thing. Variety is the spice of life, you know? Now the VR ones, you come in, it's like they have, like, one new video every week. It's like, ugh. It's so funny to be sick of VR. But now I'm jerking off less because there's not enough variety, and I can't jerk off the flat porn. They should set it up where you can just hang out with the VR model until a new video drops and, like, watch TV. And she's like, I'm not feeling well. Yeah. I watched when Adriana Chachik came and sucked my dick in the chair. It was pretty nice. It's great. Do you have to find a black guy or you'll need a white dick? I just ignore it. If the dick's too big, I can't. Or you'll gracefully be like, I'm going to recuse myself. Yeah, I can't. Or if he has different tattoos on his forearms. It takes me out of it too much. You can't pretend it's you. Dude, it's wild. It's a problem, actually. I'm glad that they don't come out fast enough. Are you right-handed or left-handed? I'm a left-handed jerker, but I'm right-handed in life. Damn. And that comes from literally browsing and fucking. Really? I'm not finding. I need to jerk while I'm browsing. It's just the whole time. You need to be constant, like, new, new, new, new. Well, until you find what you're going to, you know, fucking. I switched to the left early on because I heard that it gets hooked. If you use the same hand, you get, like, the curve. Oh, really? I was like an urban legend back in the day that scared me into my just being left-handed. I don't know, dude. I think it might be true. I wish my dick was big enough to curve. I don't have a big enough dick for any curve. It's just a straight boink. You need to have a hog to have a curve in your dick. I bet there's truth to that. I think you have a small curve. You think so? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, you can. That's why I don't have – I'm not curved, but I don't think – I would imagine you can have a little smiter. No, my dick is – A small smiter. It's as average as could be, and it's very, very straight. Yes. Dude, I saw your dickhole story. It was pretty nice. Oh, thanks, bro. I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm just being here. It's very nice. No, but also you're not. Who's got the best dicks? You're only seeing. I bet Texas has bigger dicks than New York, dude. Yeah, for sure. I don't know, dude. New York has some, like, from a pornographer standpoint, New York has some hogs out there. You think so? Yeah. They start fighting about this. There's something about the water that makes people mutant. You think so? You think New York's house and all the hogs? I would say the hogs are down Texas way. I mean, you know, I don't know. I think so. I would hope so. That's why Pennsylvania forced me to move down here, dude. Get that hog out of here. Yeah, when you have a big dick, you're like, you know, it's like conservative values. It's like, dude, I want to have a fucking home, a wife, I want to have a truck. That's a fucking big dick attitude. These lefties up in New York are like, the world has to be a better place. It's not going to make your dick grow. That's all where it comes from. It's them trying to make the world better because they have little dicks and they have to make up for it. Big dick guys are like lizards. You just need the sun. You got to find the sun. You got to find the sun. You got to find the sun. You got to find that iguana. It's just great. Like you wake up every day. You're stretching. You're like, oh, I have a big dick. This is the best. I couldn't imagine. It must be so sick to wake up every day. It's a hammer. I don't know, man. I wonder if they get sick of it, though. No. Big dick guys probably get sick of the big dick. Any big dick? Sean's got a fucking hog. Sean, you got a hog? Sean's got a hog, bro. Are you ever sick of it? Are you ever like, this sucks? No. No, never. It's pretty sick. Fucking bullshit. How much of a hog? Have you seen it? No, I've heard. Well, yeah, when he produces every now and again, we'll just catch it all coiled up in his sweats. Fucking relax. Twisted. Like a pigtail. It's like the Princess Leia bun. Yeah. If I had a big dick, I'd be poor. I'd never get anything done. I would have no motivation to get out of bed and fucking do anything. I'm like, this is just like I did it. Amen. I made it. Yeah, exactly. I don't let this bitch work. No, I got it. Having average is honestly best of both worlds. Yeah. Not that bad. Yeah, it's like you still got the work ethic. Yeah, sometimes you can touch the back. Sometimes. Well, when you realize how many tiny dicks are in the world. We did on Legion of Skanks, we did the smallest dick competition for Skank Fest tickets. Really? And not only was it just showing their dicks, we made them do talent shows with their dicks, and we made them talk out of it. It was fucking hilarious. One of the funniest bits we've ever done on the show. It's pretty awesome. Tiny dicks are hilarious, first of all. Second of all, it made me feel so much better about my dick. Because at the gym and in porn, the only guys walking around in the gym naked have these fucking hugs, right? Porn's the same thing. So you just grow up with a complex your whole life. You're like, dude, dicks are huge. And what is wrong with me? When is mine going to grow? I've been waiting for 40 years. I know. But, yeah, I'm now like I've made my peace with this. And now I'm like, I was like, dude, I know there's smaller dicks out there. And all the guys that are in the gym that are fucking doing this with their towels as they go to the shower, I'm like, you little dick bitch. I walk with my little dick out now just very proud, loud and proud. It's kind of beast. It's a beast move. Yeah, yeah. Especially if you get to a certain age and just go, whatever, man. Yeah. What the fuck? It is what it is. Coming to peace with it is nice. Yeah. I hide it from my son, though. I don't let my son see my small dick because his dick is bigger than mine now. Yeah, yeah. It's a problem. Wait, so you've just been keeping it? I see him get out of the shower. I have a joke about it. I see him get out of the shower and I get mad. I'm like... Now I get out of the shower, I'm like, no, give me privacy. No, we can't shower together anymore. You ruined it. Aren't you happy for the boy? Oh, yeah, I'm happy for him. No, of course, yeah, yeah. But he can't know. True. He can't be the man of the house, doggy. That's it. Do you ever stop him from watching your stuff? Now that I'm curious, I have younger kids. So do they – I would imagine they start to watch. He's watched a little bit. Like some of the stand-up, I like limited. He doesn't like Legion of Skanks. He really loves Story Wars because it's a little bit more of a family-friendly show. He'll watch some of the regs like the clips because he thinks Soder is the funniest. He's like, why aren't you as funny as Dan Soder, Dad? Shut up. I'll cut your dick off. I gave you that. I'll take you back. That's my dick. Anything under this roof is mine. Well, I feel like it's a – I don't know. I'd love to talk to one of those nurses, the nursery room nurses. They must see babies and know right away, like, damn, this baby's got a hug. You know what I mean? Yeah, of course. That'd be crazy. Yeah. Babies with a big dick is also hilarious. Men with tiny dicks, hilarious. Babies with huge dicks, hilarious. That's the next golden ticket contest for Skankfest. Show your baby's large dick. No, no, this is good. This is a good idea. Yeah, you can. Babies with the biggest dicks, their dads get Skankfest golden tickets. This is a great plan. This is a great bet. But I remember you guys. That's not a bad idea. Whoever wins gets to be on the baby food jar. Look at the picture of the guy sitting on the bed. I'll never forget at Skank Fest this year where you made those guys. You didn't make them do it. Oh, like when I invited you to my festival? Were you there? Oh, yeah. I didn't get a poster. I was mad about it. Yeah, you made those guys kiss that guy dick. You didn't make them do it. We suggested it. And then we're like, yeah, you don't got to do it. And he was like, no, no, I'll do it. I'll do it. And he kissed his dick. It was wild. It was crazy. That was this year, right? Yeah. What was the aftermath of that? He was just like, he got like, they cheered for him, I guess. Yeah, everyone was like, ah. Then they boxed the next day. Yeah, yeah. The guy who kissed his penis. They were the two, the biggest loser competition. So it was biggest loser meaning like the baddest fucking loser. It wasn't like somebody who lost weight. We did the biggest loser competition on campus this year. and these two guys, one guy won and then the other guy showed up and they were both just such fat fucking losers. They were like, you know what? You're both coming to Skank Fest. And they're the best time. They did it all, dude. They jumped on stage. They kissed each other's dicks. They boxed each other. Dude, the one guy was like 400 pounds easily, dude. Literally, after the first round, I looked at him and I was like, oh, he's going to die in the ring. And I was like, you can stop. He was like, oh, I want to keep going. And they went out and did it. It was like I got emotional. I literally got emotional with the guy because I was like, damn, dude. I was like, you're like, he just like lived it in such a way. Like to go to, to go to Skankfest like that, you know, cut the lines, meet all your favorite comedians, like, and then go in box and just like experience it. He's like trying to get chicks and she's this big fat gross guy. And he's like, he's like, if anybody wants to suck my dick at my hotel, in his winner, his speech after he won, he's like, if any girl wants to suck my dick, that'd be so fucking cool. What an honest winner speech too, by the way. All these Golden Globe guys are like, I look to think of my team. She'll be like, bro, my hotel room's 312. It's the best movie of 2025. Come through. Fuck this dick. Dude, Matt, can I bring up a travesty? I don't think we brought it up. What is it? It's crazy that you guys weren't nominated for a fucking award, a Grammy or some shit in the podcast of the year. You got to pay. Same thing. That's what happened with Rogan, right? Did they offer you guys to be involved? Not at all. I think that's, you know. Podcast of the year. It's kind of a travesty. Amy Poehler. Yeah, podcast rules. What are you talking about? Her podcast is one where what's her name? Pell lady from Delaware. She was fingering herself on the fappening. Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey Plaza, that was the podcast where she was like, I don't really feel bad about my husband dying either. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, that's crazy. Not even crazy for her. If he killed himself, fuck you. I understand kind of get into it. You know what? Fuck you. yeah that's why he killed himself she's a heartless bitch oh she was just being honest she was like thought i'd be devastated if my husband killed himself now i'm living the experience and honest to god truth is i don't really care that we were having problems obviously you know easiest way out yeah she didn't fucking care she was honest it's a great great patrice bit um back in the day where he's like he's like i don't want to like i don't want to like hurt my girl's feelings like i don't want to break up because i don't like hurt her feelings like i'd rather her go outside and get hit by a car it's like an easier way to just instead of having to deal with hurting her he'd rather her be dead it's such a brilliant yeah dude breaking up is the worst it's like it does feel like you're killing somebody that's awful being like i don't want to yeah we should never talk ever like this is like i mean i guess it's probably the same for women but like just hurting a woman's feelings i just rather like uh cheat like that's just that's really cheating all comes from it's like i don't want to hurt you yeah so i need to do this behind your back you know it sucks don't look through my phone it is very sweet it is pretty sweet No, it's brutal being like, yeah, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. Because then if they catch you cheating, then they get to be like, piece of shit. And you go, yes, babe. I'm so sorry, crying. Oh, I want to be with you. Why am I crying? I don't want to be with her anymore. Although, dude, it all takes me back to Melinda Gates, dude. She's still on Bill's ass. She's pissed. Dude, he broke her off so much. So much money. And she's still doing interviews being like, well, yeah, he's bad. Yeah. I won't comment directly, but that's what you get. Fuck, dude. There's no love there. At all. Imagine having her on your ass, dude. That's probably why you want to figure out malaria and AIDS. You know? Bill Clinton. Or not Bill Gates. Why? Because he contracted malaria and or AIDS. That's what the whole Bill Gates Foundation is. Give him to cure his own STDs. He did do it. He did a contest. I don't remember when. That's to produce a condom that feels better than having sex. I think it's new. I think it's a new contest. He's offering $100,000 to whoever develops the condom of the future. Also, $100,000 just isn't that much for Bill Gates. That's why I take it with a grain of salt. This could just be the robot tricking us again. You're right. It could be robots. It could be a robot tricking us. I mean, as a billionaire, he probably does that. Like, yeah, here's a Hunter G. He's coming up with a sick fucking condom. Yeah, but for him, $100,000 is me being like – It's nothing for him, yeah. It's me flicking a dime and being like, here, Lanara, go do something. It's crazy. It's so – If he's doing this, he's like – All right, so let's say your net worth is $3 million, we'll say. How much is that relative to somebody who has a billion dollars? $100,000 to a billion is how much to $3 million? Oh, I don't know how to do that math. Maybe I got to make another phone call, right? 100, so, okay, do a percentage. So what percent is 100,000 to 3 million? How about this? No, 100,000 to a billion. Or what is Bill Gates net worth It like fucking 90 gazillion The earth Yes it 90 gazillion Maybe the moon too You can even keep it at yeah actually let see his net 113 billion. God damn. All right, so what is $100,000 of 113 billion? Okay. Yes. What percent of 113 billion is 100,000? Jesus Christ. 0.0000885%. So ask what that percentage is of 3 million. What percent of 3 million is 100,000? No, no, no, no. That's not what it is. 3.333%. Pie. Pie. You're asking what... Lamar's like, what? Where? No, you're asking what the 0.0008 or whatever was of 3 million. Oh, 3 million. My bad. whatever the .00 was how many zeros before the 8 was it? there was like 4 $2,400? no it's not that much there's no the math is wrong it's a little bit though for sure I'm terrible with percentages and all that shit I'm going to ask my friend chat GPT right now I'm cooked on math I can hardly like add numbers in my head. Hey, Chad, are you there? Absolutely. I'm here and ready to go. Feel free to ask me anything, and I'll keep things straightforward and honest as requested. Okay. Now you know that I tell them to keep things straightforward and honest as requested. I need brutal feedback. So listen, listen, Chad GPD, we're just trying to get some numbers here. Bill Gates' net worth is $113 billion. He offered $100,000 for this condom contest. We want to know what percentage the $100,000 is of the $113 billion, and then we want to apply it to what the same percentage of $3 million would be. Just give me the final answer, the final percentage of $3 million. Sure. I'll just break that down quickly and give you the final number. No, no, no, no. I don't need you to break it down. Just give me the final number. We're moving on a podcast. All right. No fluff. The final percentage of $3 million using that same proportion is about 2.65. So that's your number. 2.65 what? Percent, dude. Just to be blunt, that $3 million would represent roughly 2.65. No, that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking. So they're going to fucking get us. Oh, no. You're embarrassing me on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. This is a huge podcast right now. This is a big opportunity to show how good you are. Pull the plug. I'm asking you what $100,000, what percentage is $100,000 of $113 billion? What is that answer? Got it. Let's keep it short. So $100,000 out of $113 billion is about .000885%. That's what I said. That's the clean percentage you're looking for. I figured that out by myself. So that same percentage, what is that percentage, that zero, zero, whatever you just said, out of $3 million? How much money? All right. If you take that tiny fraction and apply it to $3 million, you end up with roughly $2.60. impressions. Dude, we've gotten nowhere. $2.65. He got this was also 10 years ago. Was it? 11 people won. 11 people won? Where are these things? Where are these condoms? Condoms still suck. Lifestyles. I think Gates' family, I think he comes from a family of eugenicists. That's where a lot of his weird... That's why people get freaked out about his science experiments. Oh, really? Yeah, I think his dad was a genuine eugenicist. so was his best friend who's his best friend? Jeffrey Epstein he was trying to impregnate 20 women at the same time he was like weird spooky science he was doing Mangala shit down there too they were saying like Dr. Mangala if I was a billionaire I would have a secret science lab and I would have just fun experiments in my basement it would be like 30 300 meters below my house. You go down there and there's like fucking freaks. How do I trade dicks with my son? I have my son's cock growing in a jar. I was like, look, I'm growing one of my own. That's actually really funny. Honey, I shrunk the kids, but your son's dick gets so big. I've got to make this right. I made a monster. I'd have a unicorn. I have a live unicorn in my basement. True. With all that money, he could have just cloned humans and then fucked them. Which is above board. Which is not right. It's not right, but I say above board. Do clones have souls? No. Same as twins. I think they have twins. Whatever twins have, clones have. That's the thing. I think you can kill somebody's twin and you don't get in that much trouble. Yeah, but they feel it. You can't kill someone's twin. I just take anything you say as gospel. I'm like, whoa. You get half the pet. Yeah. No, cloning. I mean, there's one comic who, what's his name? Is it the guy that dresses like a dinosaur? Who? Piff the Magic Dragon? I think, yes, Piff the Magic Dragon. You could buy his dog. He's got a famous dog, like Piff the Magic Dog or whatever it is. Yeah. And you can go onto his website. And I want to say it's like, it's a wild amount of money, like $150,000. You could buy a clone of his dog. It's the exact dog. What? He has a clone of his dog. Yeah, I know. But he went to the place and he was like, I'm going to market this. This is brilliant. This guy is the fucking man, dude. How many of these dogs did he sell? I don't know. There's been a handful sold, though. What? Yeah, wild. Yeah, but maybe, you know, if you clone a clone a clone a clone, it just becomes retarded. You know? Because, you know, like, if you copy paper, or not copy an image on, like, scanning a new image. You're talking about a simulacrum. Yeah. Yeah. Don't have your simulacrum talk, bro. Get the fuck out of here then. Get the hell out of here then. But they can clone humans, but we don't? Is that what it is? I don't know if we can. We probably can. Yeah, they clone sheep and shit. If you can clone a dog, if you can dodge a wrench, if you can clone a dog, you can clone a human. Yeah, but I mean they probably can get the human cloned, but then it's like, what do you do with it? Fuck it. That's the only thing you do with it. It's a clone, but it gets birthed, so it has to grow up still. Yeah. No, I know. It's just you walk out of a machine. I would have a clone. I would just be like, peace. Abandon it. I would leave it. You throw your clone in a dumpster? I would just dip out. You're my dumpster clone? Yeah, I'd be like, I'll be right back. Fucking leave. Go back to my real family. Later. Somebody finds your clone in a Burger King toilet. Dude, that'd be crazy. Crazy. Kind of cool to see how, like, because it would be you. So it would be like, how would you do? It would be kind of cool checking back in with yourself. Oh, my, dude, my clone would, dude, I teach it so much early on. Would you really? Oh, my God. It would be perfect. You would feel it. Dude, I would fucking, this clone would, it would live the perfect life in my place. Oh, all that shit. I'm like, dude, you just got to work out a little bit. Don't be such a chubby little bitch. You get so much pussy. Oh, I don't, who's the other question? Where would you keep it, though? Like, yeah. Until I grew up. I mean, I would treat it like a baby. You're having your own little baby. It's you. It's you. It'll be sick. That'll be fucking sick, dude. All the mistakes you made, you get to have that conversation. Does it? Will it develop its own consciousness? Yeah. Or will you have to? Because eventually the goal is to make a clone so you can put your consciousness in the clone. No, man. Instead of just having your ideas. Why would you want to preserve your own consciousness? So you can live forever. And do what? Have a better clone. Well, they're going to be able to take our podcasts. This is in your kid's life. You're going to die. They're going to be able to take every podcast you've ever done, take all the TV shit, anything you've done, put it into AI, and just it's going to be a dead-on replica. They're going to be able to talk to their dad. And it'll have the same type of answers, and it's going to get better and better and better. They already did that with the fucking Holocaust Museum years ago when it was like – Can you talk to Hitler? why would you do this that's so fucking funny if they had a fucking Hitler clone what do they call it a hologram a Hitler hologram HitlerHologram.com buy the domain that is incredible body braids out hitlerhologram.com use the promo code Lemaire save 20% I have him open for me oh yeah dude I have a Hitler hologram open for you dude you ain't following Hitler dude there's no way dude that guy knew how to fucking crush a crowd I have to pull the plug I have to pull the plug I thought you soup out he's slaying dude he takes over Austin he gets a golden ticket on Kiltony dude Hitler it's a new minute from Hitler. You're a fucking genius, Hitler. I kill my clone. I'm sorry, the Hitler holograms. I kill you. He doesn't like the fact that you exist. Oh, dude. God damn it. Oh, man. Hitler holograms are great. Yeah, but they would take a bunch of interviews with the last surviving Holocaust people. Sorry, it's such a funny segue. Yeah, sorry. Go ahead. And they put them in like the Holocaust Museum. You can go and talk to them and ask them questions. But it was like years ago. It was probably like six, seven years ago. Okay. I'm going to kill myself. Everyone, thank you. Today I kill myself. We all thought it, though. We all thought you were brave enough to say it. So, yeah, but you could like talk and be like, you know, what was it like? I guess. I don't know what else you were going to ask. They would just sit there and you can go up and just ask them questions. Yeah, on the hologram. But I think it was like they only had probably like 10 questions you could ask and they'd like walk you through. But now. Oh, they're a hologram. They were holograms. Yeah. But if they fucking put those last Holocaust survivors on a podcast for a few years, they'd have all that shit. Now you could just put it in. And I had a conversation. This is some fucking dark shit. I had a conversation with my mom on chat TV. I was like, act like you're my mom. I gave her all the information about my mom. And I was like, I want to like have a conversation with my mom now about what's going on with my family. I got really emotional. It was fucked up. I do it as a dumb thought experiment. for a minute for sure and then like five questions in i'm crying talking to chat gpt as my mom what were the inputs you fed chat gpt whore bitch used to hit me a lot really loved heroin uh no i just gave her like personality traits and then i was like i was like i was like asking me questions as my mom about my life and about like it got fucking it was it was just i don't know why i went down that rabbit hole but it was like then i showed it to my sister and she was like you need to stop using chat gbt this is sick chat gbt is a demon and it might have just actually talked to your mom maybe maybe but it was pretty fucked up damn dark yeah that's pretty sad yeah yeah fuck did you find any like closure and all kind of it was weirdly therapeutic that's kind of nice yeah i mean that's like they uh there was that one therapy technique um like the empty chair where you would like there'd be an empty chair and you would just stand in front of a group and like pretend the chair. It was like your dad or mom. Clint Eastwood did that. Clint Eastwood did it? Yeah. Nice. At the 2016 Republican National Convention. Did he really? Yeah. You remember that? He was like, this is Obama. Get out of here, Obama. Really? That's kind of nice. That would work for a lot of boomers. Obamner's in the chair. Let him have it. 2012. I remember the day you got elected. I was fucking pissed. you're a libtard i was working construction the day obama got elected and i was it was a lot of old guys they were seriously like it was like everyone's football team lost they would just walk around be like fuck man they would see each other and just be like it was the funniest i remember today kind of sticks with me yeah it's a bunch of floor guys walking in and being like yeah at least obama they're all criminals and they're all terrible people but the man could talk he really he held himself with like that was like the last time we had a president where he like held himself with like just like respect you're like you were proud for obama to go out and like do a like a world i don't know anything that we were saying but you go to like a conference like dude that's our guy here's the problem now it's like he was definitely a skilled statesman but the problem now is like in this climate everything he did now his legacy is that he's gay and his wife has a penis which just sucks how bad the internet is now you know what i mean it's Like he said, he did all this great stuff and it's just like they're going to read the history books. The politicians are wild. Like worth that. Like I saw, I don't know who it was. It was like a senator or like, you know, congressman or something. But he called somebody retarded on Twitter the other day. I was like, this is crazy. It's completely like that. It's like you like you can't be like you can't say retarded anymore if you're a politician. It's going off the rails. It's crazy. It's just so sad that you can work your whole life just to have people say you're gay. That's the meanest thing. If you're trying to like really bust me up. Yeah. I was older and you're like, yeah, clearly a guy's gay and his wife has a penis. You're like, the fuck? I worked my whole life. Have you seen the new Trump shit? He's literally shitting his pants during interviews. What do you mean? He's just shitting his pants during interviews. Hold on. Give me specifics. There was one. He was like talking to reporters at the chair. You can hear him fart. And then you see a lady go like, oh. And he's like, we got to get you guys out of here. So I've seen – I'm going to counter you across the aisle. I've seen an AOC fart, but I'm wondering if these are just fake. That's a sexy Latina fart. It doesn't matter. Girl farts are gross. I'm anti-girl fart. My wife came in my office and farted in my office yesterday, and I was like, no girl farts in my office. That's wild. They were fucking pissing me off. That's wild. It was an episode. You know who doesn't fart? Yeah. AI. True. True. That's true. Yeah. Dude, girl, I was explaining to her. I was like, dude, girl farts for real are like disgusting. Like they're not, when guys fart, it's funny. When girls fart, it's sad and gross. It's infuriating. It's so fucking infuriating. It sucks. I get so mad. I farted all night last night. The vengeance? No, I do that every night. But it's like my wife farts once for like a month. And I'm like, dude, what the – seriously, dude. You got to really think about this. What are you doing? Dude, I made my ex cry. I was farting so much. She started crying. It stunk so bad, dude. If I'm eating bad, my farts – it's horrific, dude. I've been convinced off – My friend Egan was telling me that if you eat Reggiano Parmesan cheese, it's made with raw milk and it doesn't upset your stomach. So I've been shredding Parm Reg on everything I eat. I'm like, yeah. I was like texting him like, bro, thank you for giving me the fucking green light on this cheese. I've been farting nonstop. I had like a honeymoon with this cheese for like a day. Now I'm like, fuck, I can't eat this anymore. I was tricked. I was. I'll try again. I'll give myself like a week to clear out. I go, I think my stomach is adapted to dairy. I eat it and it's just disgusting Hot, hot farts That's what dairy gives me, hot farts It's one to one It's uh I mean it is just shit particles That's what it is Yeah, when it's hot, why are farts hot? Do we ever get into that? Like what the fuck? The inside of your body is hotter than the outside Yeah, but dude, I'm talking like scorching hot Can we just see why farts are hot? Because I know they're fart particles but why are they like charged particles in particles move around then they get hot so i'm wondering if like a hot fart is your fart part they're just bumming around your asshole it means you gotta you ever see the uh like sulfur there we go the um there'll be people with like night vision goggles like just watching people in a mall and they just see the like the fart come out of their ass and like the multi-colors like like the predator would see it predator would yeah do the thermal shit dude oh yeah that's what it's not night vision it's uh yeah dude it's a thermal Predator would watch farts come out of your house. Is that a thing people would film? Yeah, dude. You can find them for sure, dude. Watching people fart in a mall with thermal glasses. I mean, I could do that for the rest of my life, dude. If the robots could pay me to do that, that's pure happiness. Is it a fart police? Dude, literally. A fart police would be nice. Because you see, like, I'll let them sneak out on flights because fucking nobody knows. And then I overact. I'm like, oh, fuck. Who did that? Oh, there we go. No. Oh, dude. She's singing. Dude, it's wild. Farting, okay, that's coming out of the pipes. Look at how much fart's coming out of her ass, dude. That's wild. I need verification, though. You can just put that cloud up there. I need to wear the goggles myself. I need the real deal. It'd be so crazy, too, to be talking to a lady at a party, go up to a lady and be like, did you just fucking fart? I'd be like, no. I'd be like, I actually did. I know you did. Look at this. You would probably – that's kind of like a nice pickup artist move. Wear the fart goggles. You can neg a chick. You're wearing $6,000 fart goggles? That's all they are? Oh, dude, please have Shane buy fart goggles. How fun would that be? That's why I can't be rich because I would own fart goggles for everyone of my friends. Go out to the bar. How much are thermal goggles, dude? I think you can get them for pretty cheap, actually. No. I swear to God, because it's probably like hunting shit or something. I don't know. They're probably not as expensive, because you can get night vision for not that expensive. $100,000 to $3,000. You need a good one. You don't want any cheap fart guys. You catch girls farting, dude? You need good ones. You need a subtle instrument. Dude, are you walking around your house with your wife? You're like, I'm watching. Don't even try to sneak them out. Oh, it's so funny. You just turned into me looking at my own farts in the air. I was like, get your legs open. Yeah. You're like, I always wanted to know how that one that comes beside of my nuts looks like. Yeah. Well, goddammit, guys. I think we did it. It was fun. Thank you. Louis, thank you. Thank you, brother. LaMare, thank you. Thank you, dude. Glad we fucking healed the divide. Yeah. Laughter really is a divine medicine, man. I love you, buddy. I love you, too. Yeah. Me and LaMare, we've seen each other a few times this week. I know. I know you guys squashed me. Yeah, we squashed you. We're good. We love each other. And we'll see. You're at a crossroads, dude. You're at a major crossroads. It's up to you. Choose your fate. Choose your fate. I love that, dude. Crack Amigo is fucking savage, dude. Oh, my God. I thought Diabletlejuice was pretty funny. Diabletlejuice is a crazy line. Diabletlejuice is good. And also, your album is irrelevant in the room. You ever worry he'll turn on you? uh no i don't think so he's a pretty loyal fucking dude yeah he's pretty loyal um i mean i fucking i put him on more than like you know i read out of like self-protection no no i would do when we did the contest for crack amico we had like 20 people submit to become crack amico and uh he was so good we're like well never he that's what he is he like embodies the character and he's the sweetest kid ever he's like such a sweet nice person and then you just give him a fucking notepad all that evil comes out but the other side of it is like he's just roasting that's all it is, if we did like a roast battle it's literally what we would say about each other if you're going to roast battle Burt Kreischer that's what you would say, I think that comedians we get sensitive because he's not a comic where's it coming from, but all it is he's just a big comedy fan it sucks when there's a good beat behind it there's a sick beat behind it when you're bumping your head to your own roast god damn it man thank you guys thank you thank you guys watch new episodes of matt and shane secret podcast on spotify do it