My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive

You're asking me how to get a guy who is racist and anti-Semitic who makes the regulatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women to get him to go to counseling. Hey, welcome to the Dr. John Deloni Show. I'm John glad that you're here on a husband and a dad. The guy's been sitting with hurting people for over two decades here in Nashville, Tennessee. Taking calls, your calls from all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be with us, go to johndeloni.com slash ask ASK, fill out the form, and we'll see if we can get you on the show. It's got to fill it, Elfia, Pennsylvania and talk to Kristen. Hey, Kristen, what's up, lady? Hey, John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? You know, I'm going to buy a thread. Oh, God. Well, I'm glad that you called. Yeah, all good. Um, yeah. So I called. I would just appreciate some maybe guidance or advice on how to ask my husband to go back to a couple of counseling with me after he made it clear. He will not do it again. Well, so you probably can't because he seems pretty clear. Why do I want to go to counseling again? Um, I just, I just see a basic change in him. And I just don't see how we can move forward in our marriage. If if we don't talk to somebody about it. What's going on? Um, I've noticed like in the past few years, maybe a year and a half or so. Um, just like he's changed a lot as far as like homemade like racial remarks and like misogistic remarks towards like me, other women. Like anti-Semitic remarks towards me. It's in front of our kids. And I just, do you have Jewish heritage? I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. Say that again. Do you have Jewish heritage? Um, I, I have ancestry in it, but it's not, I, it's not like a, I grew up in the States or anything. So you're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-Semitic, who makes the wrong. I think it's a bit of a territory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and the other women to get him to go to counseling. Yeah, I think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks. Yeah, you know, and it just like it wasn't like this. Um, he don't get a colorful guy, but like it's never been like like this. And I just, um, Okay, because, because let's be honest, there was a season when, um, even whispering a funny joke or an unfunny joke or an off color joke would get you to where you couldn't have a job anywhere, right? There was the cancellation years, we call them. Um, and in some places, they're still in effect, but other places are whatever. And then we've had the last few years what they're like everything's back on the table again, right? And here's, here's the thing. There is a, I live in comedy clubs, right? So I've seen a resurgence in more what I would call off color or like, oh my god, you said that comedy. But at least where I am, it's all part of, it's in good nature and good fun. You get what I'm saying? Like there's, there's high fives all around in the green room is what I would say. Right? And any jokes are not at people. They are with people. Okay? And hope what I'm saying makes sense. Yeah. But then there's been a rise in, it feels like an unleashing in. Oh, now that we can not lose our job, I'm going to tell you what I really think. And it's not a joke. It's not being silly. It's not being funny. It's not pointing out things. It is. I feel powerful again. I'm going to hurt people with my words, make myself feel bigger. And so you say like, hasn't always been a colorful guy. I've always been a colorful guy. And in my university work over 20 years, I spent a lot of time advocating for groups out on the margin. That's what I, that's part of my job. That's an important part of my job. And spending time with those people, we would make horrific jokes if told outside of that room, right? And, but there's a, I would consider myself a colorful guy. But there's also a time and a place in a context, right? And so I don't think you'd be calling if your husband was making inappropriate yet kind of funny jokes. It sounds like you're, what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed. Yeah, it used to be where it was like funny and good natured. And now it just feels like, like much darker. And it just, it bothers me. If I tell him it bothers me, he just goes off on like how I'm sensitive and everybody is so sensitive now. And you can't say anything. And it's like, I just walk around eggshells all the time. Okay, but this is happening not just with jokes and not just with suddenly this newfound racist person in your house. What's deeper happening? I'm not, I'm really not sure. And I feel like I can't ask him. Where else is this research? Where else is this surfacing? Is this surfacing and how he talks to your kids and treat your kids? Is it surfacing in the bedroom and what he expects of you? Where is this surfacing? Is he controlling the money? Now, like, where is this else? No, no, no, there's no like controlling of the money. It's like, it's almost like, like he'll try to have a conversation with me or like he's just very, I guess politically minded. You like to talk about it and that's just not me. And so he'll try to like draw it out of me and he gets angry. It's like, or irritated. It's like I, I don't kind of go along with it or have this conversation with him. And that's where a lot of it will be or it'll just be kind of like random. Let's take joke sensitivity off the table because that's so unsubjective. I mean, so subjective. Let's pretend you had really sensitive skin. And he bought you a, I don't know, like a wool jacket. And it rubbed your forearms in a way that just caused like it made him raw. Okay. And if you said, how I love this jacket, I love it. You bought this for me. But my skin is really sensitive and it's making my arms like bleed, making him itch. What do you tell you? You just got to toughen up and get tougher skin. Yeah. Or do you say, oh man, I tried. Yeah, you can't wear that jacket. Yeah, you would say that you tried and I don't have to wear it. Okay. When it comes to what hurts my feelings or what is offensive to me or what, eat, forget offense. What I'm not interested in hearing. If somebody has the courage to say, hey, I don't think that's funny or I don't think that's accurate or that's not a conversation I want to engage in. And somebody's response is, oh, you're just too. Then what they're trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over. And that's not marriage. Marriage is being with, not over. Do you feel confident that you've been clear about, hey, I've seen a shift in you and I don't think these things are funny and it's not because I'm extra sensitive. It's not because I'm, or maybe I am extra sensitive. Who cares? I get to be that. But I don't want these jokes in my house. I don't want these jokes around me and I don't want this kind of language and talk and mean spirit around my kids. I guess I haven't been super clear about it. I just like, it just, it feels like when I try to tell him I don't like it. Like it just like spirals into an argument. And I just, I was hoping like if we went back to therapy, there'd be like a third person there that would maybe prevent that. No, it's, he's already said I'm not doing that again. And so it's less about this thing. Most of the time here's what happens. He drops some inappropriate or rude or mean spirited thing out on the table. And in some level, it's to get a rise out of the room, right? He gets the rise and the rise he gets is your pushback. Well, he thinks he's right. It's an hour in a fight. So the best time to have this conversation is not after he just said something super offensive. The best time is to say, hey, I want to go have breakfast on Saturday morning when you talk about something that's kind of heavy. And you lay it out. I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't think this is funny. I think this is belittling and mean. These aren't jokes with the community. These are jokes against people. And I just don't want to have that. And I especially don't want to run my kids. Call me sensitive. Fine. I don't even call it whatever you want. But if you are choosing to be in relationship with me, what I'm asking you for is to stop doing this. But I actually think for you, the conversation is deeper. It is you looking at your husband and saying, I'm watching your spirit change. Yeah. I used to really like him and I used to like being around him. And now I just can't. That's the conversation. That's the conversation. And can I, she'd be okay with me saying this. Can I tell you, I became a in 2010ish. I became a nutritional religion zealot. I became a lunatic about nutrition stuff. By the way, I have no training in nutrition. I've got no degrees in nutrition. This cool new thing called a podcast came out. And I thought I was the smartest guy who ever lived. And I took over parties. I lectured friends. I turned every conversation in every room. I was in into a nutritional conversation. I'm sure you were the one for the party. I ruined every interaction. I destroyed it, man. And it was my wife taking me and saying, I don't want to hear about this anymore. Hey, I think you're wrong. And B, you listened to a bunch of things on the internet. And this is early, early podcast. Well, I was really crushing it and killed. And here's the thing. I got to choose, don't be in relationship with my wife. Don't continue to go to parties and events. Do I want people to be at want to be around me or do I want to be right? And because she had the courage to have a conversation with me, it was a big dose of cold water at my face. And over time, it really changed. To now, this many years later, I don't answer any question unless somebody asked me. And then I usually say, this is what I would do in my house. Or this is what I do. Right. All that to say is, that courage changed. I mean, that courage, the courageous conversation my wife had changed me. Or at least it planted the seeds of dramatic change. And also he could look at you and say, oh my gosh, screw you. I'm out of here. You're just like every other, like whatever, fill in the blank with massage and his comment. He can walk out. Do you think he loves you? I do, yeah. Okay. I think he's worth you telling the truth to I don't like being around you anymore because you've gotten mean. And when you say mean things about other people, you make it my fault. And that's not the guy married. And I miss you. Yeah, I miss a lot. Okay, tell them that. And if you're need to make racist jokes or massage in his jokes that you're getting off the internet, if you're need to do that is more important than your wife, feeling safe and loved, then we've got bigger issues in our marriage. But I don't think this is you. This isn't the guy married. How come you're crying? I don't know. I'm just a cryer. Are you scared that he's going to walk away? No, I don't have a fear of that. It's almost like I feel that or I fear that the person that I fell on my with either is gone or never existed. I just don't know. I think it's fair to put that on the table. My guess is he's consuming media 24, 7, 365 through repair headphones. And the ecosystem that the algorithm serves up to him is circulating this madness and nonsense. And it's either a stripped out of context. Right. Or it's just just fueled hatred. And that's just becoming the ecosystem. He is to choose. It's kind of like in the old days our wives would say like, hey, I don't want you around those guys. It's kind of like, hey, I don't want you around that garbage because it's making you a different person. And he might say that's always been me. You just like fine. We got to deal with that then because I don't want that guy around my kids. Yeah, that makes sense. Do you believe the stuff he says or do you believe he's just trying to echo he's just echoing the trash and garbage that he hears? I don't I don't think he I don't think he really believe I think maybe somewhere he feels like he does, but I think it could be a lot of what he's consuming or seeing or hearing he's you know he works in law enforcement and so they see and hear a lot of you know. A lot of things and I think it's maybe a combination of those two things he's been in law enforcement for a long time. Yeah, somebody who loves them needs to have a hard conversation. Yeah, I know. I wish you the best. I hate that it's turned and I hate this is happening. And I also know I spent my career law enforcement officers and I know that I've sat with guys whose whole beat is particular swaths of a city. And they have a very lived experience of quote unquote these people. This is what I experience every day. It's what I do. This is what the data says and I get that. I get that. I sat with those guys. And that doesn't give anybody permission to make huge blanket statements, especially that denigrate broad swaths of people and even beneath that when your wife says, hey, it's not funny. I don't want that in the house. To then beat up on your wife about it. It's just just sucks. Sorry, going through it. I think it's time to have a hard conversation that begins with a miss you. I hate this. We come back. I mean, asks how he can build a relationship with his daughter without overwhelming her. God, sounds like I sent this question in. We'll be right back. I've got three dogs and I love them. 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Hit the like and subscribe button and help kick the show up in the algorithms and get it in front of more people. I'm so grateful for you for taking a second to do that. It's got to Washington DC and talk to Anthony. Hey Anthony, what's up? Hey, Jill, and how you doing? Yeah, doing great brother. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. I'm talking to Don Jilloni. So life is good. Awesome. What's up? So I'm calling about an issue back when I was 18 back in 1995. My girlfriend at the time became pregnant with my help, of course. Thanks for that clarification. Yeah, no problem with my help, of course. And fantastic. That's the best joke I heard today. That's awesome. And we were both very young. She got this thing that I may have contributed to. Yeah, and we were both very young and I'd actually just enlisted in the army. So I had had a four year commitment at that point. So we decided to give her up for adoption. Like I said, this combination of factors being so young and having that obligation coming up, we decided it was the best thing to do. So that was like I said, 1995 and then turn around to 2018. And she found me through she took a 23 and me DNA test and found me. She actually found my family first and my family contacted me and said, do you know anything about this? And I said, yeah, I absolutely do. And she then reached out to me and started, you know, that started the relationship, which has been awesome. It was, you know, something I was training about for 25 years. And, you know, just I can't even, I can't even put into words what it's been like. The reason I'm calling the only downside to that is I go back and forth with the situation as far as how I just scared the death to scare her away and contact her too much. And then I go to one side and last, I think last year I went a four year without contacting her and she, of course, texted me and said, hey, what's up? You still alive? Everything okay? And I said, yeah, absolutely. You know, I just don't want to, you know, I don't want to put martyrs. So, you know, I'm just, I'm really just looking for a kind of help build a roadmap towards a, just a freaking awesome relationship with her moving forward. I love that. So I got two important things for you. Okay. And it's going to take some, or three important things and it's going to take some real significant honesty and integrity on your part. Okay. And a lot of humility. Okay. Okay. Here's number one. I want you to be honest with yourself about what a full-fledged relationship would look like and feel like I want you to see it in 3D. 4D. HD. I don't know whatever these stupid TVs do at least. I want you to see it clearly in your fantasy. What would it look like? You know, you live buyer, you're her dad again. You, you'll go to breakfast once a week. Y'all, she's over for the holidays. Like go all the way there. And if it's not that. Be honest with yourself that really. I wanted to text you once a month. Because the lack of clarity is going to make you nuts. And it's going to be very confusing for her. Yeah. Well, I mean, I can tell you, John, what I mean, what I want, I have two other kids and I love my kids 110%. You know, I don't go half in. And I want, you know, I want that full package with her. But I, I've been very careful. Okay. That's far too. That's going to leave you number two. Okay. Because I figured that's what you wanted. Are you going to be calling? Yeah. Number two is you have to with it within this week. Write a letter to 18 year old you thanking him for being courageous. Because the shame in is just dripping off of this call. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're shame at my level maturity and. You have discipline at that age that I. There wasn't a well, we made a great decision. I think it was perfect. She ended up with a freaking awesome family. And nothing. There's been so far. There's been nothing bad. It's been like I said, nothing. The only bad part is negative part is just. Just trying not to screw it up or not to. You know, ambush my my opportunity for a long relationship with her. Okay. So that leads me to number three. And this is the simplest yet the. I don't know. I think it can be the easiest thing in the world. I want you to set up a phone call with her. Texans say, hey, when you have about 20 or 30 minutes, I'd love to talk with you. Are you all in proximity or you all could meet? Now, she actually just recently moved overseas. So she's not. She's not in the area anymore. I mean, our actually our first interaction was actually a face time before we met person to person. Is she overseas for good? Is she on a deployment or will she be back? What's the status there? No, she was. She lives in Puerto Rico. She they're just there. I think probably temporarily. Okay. Um, live in the island life and doing. Yeah, let's something that they always want to hurt her and her boyfriend. Always wanted to do, I think. So. Okay. So I would call her early temporarily and ask if y'all could set up a face time or a zoom time. Yeah. And then I want you to tell her. Since you found me. Like a missing piece in my heart has been filled and. I have to be honest with you. I have this vision of a pretty amazing relationship with you, but I want to honor you. And so I want you to give me a picture of what you want this to look like in the short term and in the long term. And let her drive. Which is kind of what I've done so far. I've kind of let her dictate things. You know, like green light red light green light red light kind of thing. Have you got any red lights yet? No, no, no, no, no, really. Like I said, in fact, you know, I kind of put up the red light and then contact her for a while. And she did it. Why'd you do that? I actually I for the first time I missed her birthday. And when I say miss, I just I'd always remembered it in my mind, even if I didn't talk to anybody about it. I just knew that that was her birthday. And I actually missed it. And I, you know, I was just. Kicked off of myself. Okay, that's shame. That's shame. Yeah. And so as a dad, we go to the next right thing. We call that next day and be like, dude, I suck. I completely miss your birthday. I'm the worst. Check your mailbox. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Like I want you to, and that's what a lot of that shame comes is all the way back to 18 year old you as much as you think you've processed it. Write that kid a letter and tell them, thank you. Okay. And then dad's mess up and we mess up and we compounded by silence and we compounded by weight. Don't do, don't compound it. You're going to mess up. You're going to say the wrong thing or whatever. But it's just making the next phone call. And I kind of knew that to the back of my mind. It's like, dude, what are you doing? Why are you not calling her? Why are you doing this? And it was big. It's like the devil and the angel on one side of shoulder and the other. It's like what? Yeah. But I'll call her and let her give you a roadmap and then follow that roadmap to a T. Okay. And if she says I'll take it all, be like, cool. I'm booking a plane to get me and my wife are coming down to coming down to Puerto Rico. Yeah. I'm serious. Yeah. I'd love to do. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's that's totally, I can totally do that. I can't. What you have to be willing to do is to have your heart broken. In pursuit of her. Right. Yeah. And I just kind of have to remind myself that I, you know, I signed her my, my rights away 25, well, 30 years ago now. You know, and I can't expect, I can't expect anything. And I've always kind of had that in the back of my mind like dude, you can't have any expectations. Yeah, but she, she, she blew up that story. Yeah. She called you and said, Hey, I miss, I want to talk to you. I miss you. Yeah. She has it every turn she really has. Okay. So stop telling yourself that same old story. Yeah. You gave up parental rights from, from zero to 18. You did. And you gave her, you gave your child to an amazing family and they did a great job. Yeah. Period. Now there's two adults that don't have much of a relationship, but they've got some deep ties. And she has said, I'd love to get to know you. And you're like, wow, man, I miss the birthday crap. I'm just going to take a year off. Like, right. Nah, I'm going to go all in. And if you have a dream about, I'll talk to your biological, I mean, you're the two kids that you consider, quote unquote, my kids now and let them know, Hey, I've got this dream of all three of us getting together. I know it's going to be weird for you guys because this is a 25 year old. You've never met, but in my head, that would make my heart feel complete. Yeah. Oh, whatever, that okay, that right, whatever. That's pretty much what I've gotten to. Yeah. And then you be declarative about saying out loud, Hey, y'all not know each other. This is my heart feels full right now and complete right now. And let that be that. And there comes a day when she says, Hey, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm going to risk being heartbroken on that day. I'm going to risk a bunch of amazing moments and getting to know somebody and making a brand new relationship with somebody. I'm going to risk all of the beauty of that for a potential red light down the road that is a forever red light. I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't like you anymore. We have blah, blah, blah, whatever. But let her give you the road map and then follow that sucker to a tee. And if she says it's all green lights, then it mean you and your wife are going to port a Rico this Christmas. I'll be awesome. Are you going to port Rico for spring rig? That'd be rad. But if she says let's, let's, I want to build this thing from the floor up then man, get on your, get on your builders hat and let's start, let's start cranking it. That'd be amazing. But thank you for being courageous and brave when you were 18 and thank you for being honorable and not trying to mess stuff up over the next 18, 20 years. And thank you for having the courage to call and say man, there's just been that hole in my heart for a long time and that courageous young girl is now an adult and she reached out. And I feel vulnerable and exposed all over again. And I'm going to be a true father, true man. I'm going to head right into that discomfort because that, that's where the 10,000,000 pension is where the connection is going to be. Thanks for the call brother. I can't wait to hear what happens man. It's awesome. I love these reunification stories man, they're the best. We come back, a man is asking, should he buy a home together with his future in laws? Oh man, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, the things you should have done, all those past hurts and pains along with past guilt, past shame, all of it. And when the world feels heavy, when your back feels heavy from carrying all the stuff around, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carrying it any further into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff and move forward with clarity and set it down so you can focus on the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend Better Health. Better Health has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. All of their therapy is online so it's easy to fit into your schedule. You get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with the licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. Listen, you can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. You're worth it. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help, help.com slash deloney. Alright, let's go. So let's stay here in Nashville. Awesome. Let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Thomas. What's up Thomas? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing? I'm good brother. How are you, man? Man, I'm swell. I'm swell. Excellent. What's up? Alright, well, good God. You are from Nashville. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. I'm in the market for purchasing my first home and my question is, do I buy my own house or do I invest into an intergenerational home with my future in-laws? You already know the answer to this question. Where are you calling me? You know. I'm torn. I'm really, really torn. Over what? I'm going to contact you. Well, having your own home with your new wife or having her parents be your new parents for the rest of your life. Well, the wait, you know, great question. Um, we're, I can already see us potentially taking care of them in the future. They are wildly close and I came up in a family where I'm wildly distant. So this is all new for me. Now it's a family full of love, great energy and connectedness and I'm slowly learning how to receive. So, um, but this notion was brought up in order to, you know, we're, we're seeing a lot of benefits in it. Name them. Okay. The splits of the cost to live in a nicer house, community, location, um, to be close to family and be able to lean on each other. Um, it's, you know, we potentially may expand our family one day and having that support right at home could be nice. And I think for context, the intergenerational home would be hopefully enough for the two of families to co-exist pretty well with more of like a basement style department. Who would live in the basement? That's a great question. So these are kind of the things we're bouncing off of each other and, uh, as of right now, take, take, take, take this from me with all of my guts. Yep. Do not co-buy a house with your future in laws. Please God almighty. Okay. Now, if your in laws want to buy a house and you and your future wife want to rent from them with the intent of buying the house at an incredibly discounted rate one day, great. Okay. But this is a recipe for everybody hating everybody when it's all over. Uh, because, because here's the thing. Every weekend off, if you lose a job, if you take an income cut, if you have a kid and suddenly your father-in-law thinks things are hilarious, then you don't want those going to jokes around your kid, you are stuck, man, legally with a, with a contract on a house. Mm. This binds you in a way that doesn't allow your relationship to be what it actually could be. It forces you into a business arrangement, a legal business arrangement. If they're away, sorry, go ahead. Is there a way that as opposed to going in on the contract with them to rent it from them? Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. They buy this house and you and your fiance are going to rent the, the basement apartment for the next two years, sign a lease if you want to. In fact, I would a thousand percent recommend you'll sign a lease. Okay. Because, because here's the thing, what you don't know yet is, is this close knit family, somebody's running lead here on this close knit family. Sure. And if you geographically enter into this world, then you are subject to that too. Mm. And what I want you to do is establish your roots, establish your own tent pole, even if it's under the same tent. Mm. Otherwise, you will always be the second man in your new wife's life. Mm. Always. Well, dad says we should. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dad says we've been going out too much and we need to be home with the kids more. Sure. Mom says we're not coming to, we're coming to dinner enough. Yeah. Dad says we need to go to his church and we need to stop going to the, like, I mean, you're just setting yourself up for chaos upon chaos upon chaos. And it's a, it's a, it's a path towards resentment. Have you seen this workout before? Never, never, okay, 0% I've never seen it. I'm sure it does. And then to be honest, my bias is the nature of my job is I don't only get the calls when it doesn't work out. So maybe it does. Yeah. But I have called in for the wisdom. I have never seen this work well. Interesting. Okay. What do you think? What do you, like, paint me your picture? Well, it's a, it's a very tight family. But what does that mean? It means we're hanging out every weekend. We're all into the same things. We love eating together as many times a week as we can. We especially love the holidays and going on vacations together. Just I mean, I'm surrounded by love. I never really got to experience. And it's, I guess I am soaked into a little bit of the magic. Now for a little bit of context, they've, you know, been in their natural natives and have basically paid off their house that has, you know, quadrupled. And they were planning on putting the major down payment on this house in which I would then take over the remaining balance versus what I'm capable of doing right now would be move out to outside the city and kind of take my partner away from her family, which kind of complicates the dynamic we currently have. Well, but number one, that's a little bit dramatic, taking her a quote unquote away. I mean, what 30, 45 minutes? Yeah. Yeah. Traffic can be bad sometimes, but yeah, that's not a way. Will it be different? Right. And should y'all establish a world where you aren't having every meal together all the time in your brand new marriage? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. And will that feel weird for her? How old is she? She's 28. And she still lives with them and has meals with them and every, we act, no, we live independently of them. Okay. How far away do you live now? Four or five miles. Okay. Yeah. So we're, she's been, my partner's been solely independent for a while. Okay. And it's proven to be able to. We're both on our feet very well and don't necessarily lean on them for support other than just enjoyment. Okay. So, and they're also the same way as far as just beyond generous and don't really, don't offer more than they need to. It's more or less, if you need a borrowed car, please take it kind of thing. Okay. But if y'all, if y'all call and say, hey, we're not coming out, we're just going to stay in tonight. They're all good with them. Oh, my goodness. You just, it's kind of mind blowing how cool they are without. Okay. And how often that actually does happen in our life day to day. If we're having a bad day and we had plans to have dinner and the day didn't work out, I don't, I've never felt like there was any resentment. That's okay. That's, that's, that's everything. Well, it's, it's amazing. It is, it happens all the time. And again, my bias is the ones that call me are the ones where it's, it's sideways. My parents are like that. They're pretty awesome. And my in-laws are like that. Cool. So, I get that and that that happens. That's fantastic. Um, when it comes down to the legal mess, I would much prefer they to make sell their home and make a humongous cash donation to, to her, to their daughter. Sure. And their, their daughter choose to buy a house with her new husband and please don't buy a house with her until you all marry. That just makes a whole other level of complication. Oh, absolutely. It's part of the, but the, yeah. Y'all buy a house and then give your in-laws in writing free rent forever in the basement apartment. Incredible. Or have them buy the house and y'all sign a two year lease to rent from them and they can rent to you below market value. They can rent to you for whatever with the intent that you and your new wife are saving up to buy your own place or maybe one day you'll buy this place from them. Okay. But it just puts one name on the thing because here's what I don't want to happen. I don't want your father-in-law to sign this thing. You're covering the rest of the note and he has a stroke next week. Sure. Or you lose your job and suddenly, hey, you need to be out. What are you doing here at the tape? Dinner tape, right? And it just changes every meal when somebody is over another person. Very good point. And so this, here's the line I would use. I really want to give you the privilege of just being my father-in-law and I want the privilege of just being your son-in-law and not also your business partner and not also your roommate. That's great. But I do want to live together so can I rent this place from you and just put it in your name. I love that, man. That's really helpful and kind of answered a lot of my questions and brought some things to light that I wasn't even considering. So incredible. This is the best way forward for you all to keep this amazing relationship that you'll have. It's awesome. It's so cool, dude. And apologize for poking questions. Usually people call my show and they've got relationship challenges. In fact, you all don't. Amazing. But, man, I would just keep it as simple as possible so that you all can keep your relationship as amazing as possible. Thanks for calling me. We'll be right back. Hey, what up? How are we doing? Listen, my family and I traveled a lot this holiday season. In some of the mattresses I slept on were not the best. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get back home onto my Helix mattress. Sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses and we all love calming home and getting into our own beds. I even have a Helix mattress in my guest room and when people come crash at my house, they always, always want to know about this amazing mattress that they spent the night on. Helix mattresses are that good because they make mattresses for real people. Whether you sleep hot or cold or on your side or on your back, Helix customizes their mattresses to you and your sleep style. I got online and took the Helix sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and I want you to do the same thing. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And check this out. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off their entire Helix sleep purchase. Go to helixleap.com slash Deloney for 20% off site wide. That's Helix H-E-L-I-X. Helix sleep.com slash Deloney until Helix, you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on this show with Helix better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. I just saw your shirt. Dude, that's hilarious. That's funny. Oh, yeah, I bought this. So for those that don't know, this is, we're still before Christmas, for a couple weeks before Christmas. And I'm still in the whole deep race and on the crutches on the whole nine yards. And it's a gingerbread man and his legs broken. And it says, have you tried icing it? That's a funny shirt. I know. I saw a lot of it was like, I've got to have that. So I needed a good just absurdly lame dead joke today. Good job. All right, go for it. We have an Am either problem. And this is from an anonymous caller or listener, writer, whatever. And she writes, this is actually sorry, this is a guy. He says, am I the problem for having a hard time trusting my girlfriend sometimes because she tends to say little white lies to make herself not look so bad. For example, she will say she's 15 minutes away from a party that she was supposed to take food to, but in reality, she's 20 minutes away. Or she'll exaggerate which is telling this story about why she's late. I know they are little things, but it makes me wonder if it is so easy for her to lie about that. What other things is she or would she lie about? I just want to reframe that question or ask the question beneath that question. Is it weird that I'm starting to not trust the person that lies all the time? Near near? No. You're not the problem. The problem here is keeping that secret or the problem is start calling it out. I'm going to be here. I'll be there 15 minutes and you're in the car and you say the GPS says 23 minutes and then calling the person back or texting me saying, I mean 23 minutes. It's the little things, man. It's the little things. And yes, you are right. If people will lie about little things, they will lie about big things. That's just the way the world works. And so no, you're not crazy for beginning to wonder. What else can I not trust here? And I'd be willing to bet money that there's a couple of big things out there that you're like, ah, doesn't ring true to me. And that's why you're writing in here. But no, you're not the problem. The problem is you're doing somebody who doesn't tell the truth about little things, which means they have the capability to not tell the truth about big things. Love you guys.