#162 - Sarah Sherman

Welcome everybody to Stavies World 904-800 stuff. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Look who's back on the couch, everybody. Miss me. Look who's back on the couch. And she was doing other press, so she looks halfway presentable today. Exactly. From the neck up. From the neck up. Glammed up. Glammed up. Eyelashes burning into my eyes. Yeah, how's it feel? Is this strange for you? I'm one day. How much makeup have you had on? How far many hours have you had this on? I've had it on since 8 a.m. And you could just take a shovel and scrape off. Four inches of concealer. One day, one day, you have to do this for a full day. Lashes, lips. I'll give you 40 bucks. 40 bucks to do it? Yeah, contacts. Contacts, are you wearing contacts? I'm wearing contacts. Because the eyes are the windows. Of course. Of course. I do like the purple eye shadow. Isn't that nice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he looking the only place there isn't a camera? What a pro. Well, there's so much space in your new F-scenes mansion. That's right. Can they see that it's different? No, no one has any idea. It's crazy. We are in the Manhattan headquarters of, the temporary headquarters of Stavey's World. In the middle of NYU, we've rented a studio at NYU. Of course, we're in the middle of the campus right now. And it looks like a big refrigerator. Yeah. It's if a house was a refrigerator. And it's a house. It's pretty much a house in apartment form, yeah. It's big. Do you feel safe? Yeah, what do you mean? Like spiritually safe. Spiritually safe. That's a good question. No, not really. There's something sinister going on here. You did say it feels evil. There's nothing on the wall. Well, I've subletted and it's furnished, so I can't put my own. No, but that's what I'm saying. The person who lives here doesn't. The art sucks, yeah. It's bad. The vibes are not great. It's a cool space. And it's a cool neighborhood that I never lived in. But I did learn like, I don't want this. This is too much for me. I'm going to get a smaller place. Oh my God, you're so humble stuff. Well, the idea, what I would love to do is throw a big ass party here. On the way out, I will throw a party. I didn't need to go to a party. I haven't been to a party where I was just, I was having fun in a long time. A lot of work after parties. I'm at work. Thank you for saying that. I'm at work. That can't be that fun. No, and I'm like tweaking off of Celsius that I drank at like 11 p.m. before the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I like, I had a martini and a half a couple of weekends ago, like fully blacked out was acting crazy. Yeah. Have you embarrassed yourself in front of like a famous person to a degree? Anything that comes to mind? Anything in particular? Just on Saturday, I ran up to, I saw, I was full blown sober, just like tired as hell and like on Celsius. I saw the dare and I went nice. Terrible. That's pretty good. And then his friend goes, good job on the show tonight. I know you did good on the show tonight. And I go, no, I didn't. I can't tell. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know if I'm charming anymore. Oh, interesting. You know what I mean? You're having a real crisis. I am. And then I said to, and then I was kind of on an apology tour because I was really stressed out at work and like a producer asked me to cut just one joke from a thing. Wasn't that funny? When you cut time out of your sketches, it's good because then your friends have time to get their sketches on the show. Everybody eats, you know, no problem. Wow. I'm going to say I'm an angel. You're so good. I'm going to say I'm an angel. I'm a character. You cut one fart out of your diarrhea sketch. I cut just one R out of diarrhea. Are they going to let you do like some kind of diarrhea? Like, you know, remember back in the day, one of my favorite sketches as a kid was the throwing up out of the hand. Awesome. I've tried to do that. That's got to come back. We even made a vomit because why they do it with the hand is because when you take like a vomit tube to your face, the force of the liquid vomit, like usually like, probably dries the hose off. It's hard to keep the hose on your face. I had, I did a movie where somebody had one of those in their, like in their mouth and it was fucking crazy. It's all fucking head flew around like because of the force. Yeah. It was like, it was a lot and he didn't have control of it. We were fucking with him. It was pretty fun. Actually the director was a fun, a fun, a fun little rascal. He was just fucking with him and it was pretty, pretty fun. Director was begonia. Yeah. It was an uncut. Yeah. It was a cut scene. It was like a throat. Yeah. Lounthymus loves the hand and the wrist fucking throat. I bet he would love that actually. It's awesome. We like it's the vomit hoses are hard. So like a Louis special effects. He actually did scan me for. That's true. So me and Louis has looked at my, he's scanned my whole body. He has that on a computer. Yeah. Yes. My body on a computer. So I kind of wanted, I want to make an action figure of myself. He will make it for you. Cool. I have so many of my little heads that he's printed. Yeah. I saw that in his workshop. You're like the, you're like the number one person in there. Well, pretty good for somebody who's barely in the sketches. Oh, you haven't tuned in this season. Neither of you have turned in this season. I'm woman number three in a blonde wig and bangs going, Hey, you're acting bizarre. Well they lost to, you guys lost to normal women. We did. Push you even further into pretending to be a normal woman territory. It is Heidi Gardner. Who's going to do that? You know what I mean? And the answer is not you, but somebody's taking her spot. And so you have to be a background normal woman. Lauren always says like, cause I'm always going like someone's being something weird. Now I'm going. And he's like, you're going to catch flies in that mouth. And I'm like, I'm legitimately disturbed. And Tommy Brennan are doing a schedule with their siblings and they're, they have a lot of sexual chemistry. And so I'm going, yeah, you're playing it natural. That's how anyone would react in real life. I try to really get in there and go like, huh, I'm really present in the schedule. Sometimes I'm fully like 10 seconds late on a line because I'm watching. You're so in. I'm going like, yeah, this is crazy. You shouldn't be about the fuck. What the hell is this? I actually, I got a wig. I was going to come in here full serenormal. Oh my God. That would have been incredible. No, I got a blonde wig and I had a hole. Yeah. What would you have worn? Not this fucking clown outfit. I have a Von Dutch tank top and a mini skirt with fishnets and a blonde wig. I should have just done it. That would have like short circuited my brain to actually see you. You do have to come to SNL. I did fucking, I wanted to come. I fucked up because I was just up late as fuck one Saturday to the point where I'm never up that late. And I was like, it was like, uh, it's the only thing to do in New York. It was Halloween weekend. Oh, and I fucking, I was like, and I went to a party and I was, and I was wired because I never do anything like social. Right. And I was like, uh, and I didn't go to bed to like four. You could have just easily rolled up. I've been there. I'm such a fucking idiot. Just come. This is the move for the listeners. Just come sit in my dressing room. It gets to be 150 degrees in there. You'll be in there with like two of my cousins and someone I don't even know. Yeah, I don't want that. I don't want that experience. It'll be great. I want, but then you get the experience of then I come into the dressing room and Sarah normal drag and you're like, and then everybody goes like, whoa. And then I go, sorry, you got to go to work. And then you watch the monitor and it's me on stage going. You're like, huh? What? Well, what I'm saying is what if you pitched the hose gag, but it's shitting out of my mouth? I reversed. I switch. It comes out of my mouth. Pew comes out of my ass. Yes. I've never seen it come out of anybody's ass. I've never seen it come out of anybody's ass. That's how you could be the, you could move the art form forward. Me and Mikey Day wrote something and I'm not going to spoil it because maybe it'll, no, it got cut because it didn't get a single laugh. But we were like animatronics that were puking and then Louis built us a vomit rig that like hooks in your ear like a Bluetooth so that like, it wouldn't. So it was really like in place. Nice. So yeah, we're doing like huge technological developments in the vomit rig field and nobody's buying. I'm saying is if you don't do a vomit rig by the, before you leave, it will be a wasted tenure on SNL. Obviously I've written it 800 times. That's it. I write four sketches a week and they're exactly what you think. They're what you think. They're what you can imagine. They don't make it past the finish line. Of course. We'll get there. We'll get there. One of these times. Well, when you host. That's right. Yeah. I'll bring you back. You'll have been fired by then. Right. You know, for coming on this podcast and talking about how I look beautiful in a wig. Damn, I should have. I should have just done it. That would have been awesome. I was like, there was something to, I had a busy day today. Of course. A lot of press for, we should say Sarah squirm live in the flesh out probably by now. You're listening to it. Well, but not, I told you about my new, the new anxiety that I invented about it. Oh, give it. Yeah. It's that I'm worried that when it gets uploaded to the HBO, what if it gets blurry? I mean, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. But it's like, I all, of course, of course. It's going to get blurry. I'm just, I'm always like inventing a new terrible thing that's happening so that I was worried that it was going to get blurry. What was the other thing I invented? Oh, well, this is an interesting, but I, well, this is, well, this is it. Okay. Well now ogres are like onions. This is a lot of layers. Hey, I, the day of the tape, like onions. Okay, we'll get back to that. Classic Long Island saying. Right. You guys know what I'm talking about. Everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm coming across as completely. I understand the layers. Right. And the ogre, I guess is your worry. Is that one? That's like the, from Shrek. He's like, ogres are like onions. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I mean, for you to pick up on it would be odd. I don't remember that. I'm a Shrek fan. My mouth is talking, like my mouth is over here. My mind is over here. Yeah. Yeah. I, the day of the special, I was convinced I had a new COVID-39. Variant. Yeah. So I wasn't testing positive for anything. And we have a fever. I just, what I said, I'm saying, so I got an IV that morning. Oh, I know. I'm the IV king. But I don't think they're good. They are. But why? But why is that better than drinking a vitamin? Why? I don't know if it even is better. I just think I have always felt better after doing them. I don't, but I'm just hydrated. Right. But then it's like some anti-vax like cowboy nurse coming to your house and doing it out of a dirty lunchbox. Yeah. That can happen. It's great. But that's what they are. Oh, are you going to the place? Are they going to the place? Sometimes they come because I usually get it. Like it's like an emergency. The shows that night and I come to my house. Of course you're freaking out. I'm freaking out. They're giving me like intense, the vibe in his anti-vax. A little bit, I guess. And it's like, they're like vitamins will heal you. Yes. Vitamins. And I'm not working at the hospital anymore. I prefer private practice. Yes. Yes. You'll get to, you'll get like the most competent nurse you've ever seen in your life trying to make an extra dollar or get someone who's like, medical care is gone crazy. Right. You know, this is so much better. I got into some, you know, I got into some scraps over at the ER. Cause I, you know, just someone with a real backstory or like, you know, like a lady who's been working in shock trauma forever. And to her, this is like a vacation. Giving rich people IVs that are mostly a placebo effect is basically like, oh, it was either this or try and put a baby's limbs back on. Have you ever asked like a former like ER doctor ambulance or EMT? Have you ever asked any of these people like though about their work? Every time I meet someone like this, I'm always like, what's the worst thing you've ever seen? And it is always the worst thing you've ever heard. And then you're like, is it bad that I asked? Yeah. Well, you like that kind of shit. You're a fetishist. I don't. I'm quite disturbed by it, which is wouldn't treat me. But you want to know. I want to know. You do like gross shit. I special will have plenty of gross shit. Folks, I kind of want you guys to do like a live unboxing of it right now. Okay. Like you just watching the opening package and then you and then just going like this. Oh, yeah. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, that's interesting. Holy crap. I think you might like the first two minutes. I think I will. How we will like the special. I think you'll like the first two minutes have something quite interesting that you might know. Oh, are there tits in it? There's a lot of tits in the special. Mine. I got an email after the special came out that was like from HBO that was like, were any of your real genitals? And I got to be like, those are not mine. Not dangly enough. Yeah. Those are not my real genitals, but there are Jenna. Does that kind of that's kind of that's quite interesting. Yeah. I mean, we've I do think there's a weird thing where you're not allowed to show real genitals, but you can show fake ones, right? Which is again, we've talked about at knowledge about let's start a cult. They wouldn't let me show my real balls. I'm still mad to this day. Why? Because it's a little nut. I don't know because you can't you can't show real balls and I on what like on on the streaming. I don't even fucking know. I guess I don't know because we're rated. It's an unrated movie. We never got fucking rated. We made point one million dollars at the box office. It's not like it's not like it was like a by the way, for a second, I went point one. I think it was a little more than that, but not much, folks. But yeah, I don't know. I guess because they wanted to sell it to a streamer, but it's like, well, then let me shoot it with my real balls and then swap them out. Have a have a hulu cut right and have the direct. Oh, it's on hulu. Yeah, you can't have nuts on hulu. Why not? I guess now it's Disney. You're right. And just like I do kinds of kindness was on hulu, which is hilarious. Is there nuts and balls? Have you seen it? It's good. No, you'd like it. And there's some wild shit in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, with a good time. But I I got an IV the day of the special. And then when we were color correcting it, you know, we're like bumping the saturation of whatever and make this jizz wider. Well, this was the problem when you sat. I would when you saturate things too much, the whites become yellow. So this became an interesting balancing act, which you'll see in the special. It was funny. It would be like the labia. I feel like we're losing the labia. It's a lot of cutting around that. Right. Right. That's fun. It was fun. That day because of the color correction, we made all the reds really pop. And you can just see like a red oozing IV port for the whole special. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. You know, a little makeup on it. I just didn't know. I could the halfway through my second show. I'm like, I'm on I'm on stage. I'm talking. I'm shaking my ass. Yeah, yeah. All the lights break. That happened at J.P. But we did it. Really? We produced J.P. special at the bell house. The exact same thing happened to us. They kept going on and on. What did you do? You're at the bell house? That's what happened. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my God. That happened again? Wait, when was this? This was, I mean last year. Last year. Oh yeah, no, that exactly happened. And I'm on stage and going like. That's crazy. And they had to pull me off for 20 minutes in the middle of like the best show. You know what's funny? We were like, we just kept powering through it, but I wish we had stopped. We should have done that. Why? Because you couldn't use the. We could use it, but he was also crushing. It was the same thing where the second shows better. J.P. was fucking destroying and the special came out great. Don't get me wrong. But we had to cut and some of the jokes just we got lucky with the timing, but some of them it was like, it just fucking fucked up the sec. The back half of his. J.P. is a pro, but he went on for like 40 minutes like that and the lights were switching off like every six minutes or something. That's insane that that happened again. It was, I went, I don't think I'm not a diva deluxe, but I went. No, I mean that's. It was crazy. And also we had to stop because never had. We do show the bells all the time. That's never happened once. The two specials that we've been involved with that both have, you know, is the worst part after it was done, they like switch the lights on and off and that fixed it. Yeah. And then it stopped doing that for like the rest of the night while we were in there. It was fucking. Maybe it's just like too much because, because mine had, I like crazy shit. So there's like carnival lights and like, I was like, oh, we're like overpowering the system. You got fucked. You know, I, at the end of the day, ultimately it was kind of good for me because peps pepsi burp, give me reverb. Mark that. Oh, that's. Like that. Hey, can you cut that? They, the, the, the, because I'm like running around and like screaming and hyperventilating and sweating. I actually got to catch my breath. Hmm. Cause they had a more dynamic performer. Yeah. Like James Brown when you come back, I come back and all of a sudden it's like, well, I'm not James Brown. They wiped me off. I'm less sweaty. True. True. True. True. But my, my director can't, all my jokes are like, I'm fucking ugly. I'm sweaty. I stay and my director was like, I think we have to hose you down in the middle of the show because you're dry as a bone. And you're stunning by the way. I know. I know. All right. Yeah. The next one. Did you take a break after your special? Not really. No. In fact, I really didn't too much. Like the second one I did right after we took a, I took a much longer break between, I'm currently working on the third one. And that's a, that's a longer, that was a much longer process. I mean, what the last one came out when? Last summer. Was it? No, it was December. Oh yeah. December six. Oh yeah. Yeah. So December six was that last year? Yeah. That was, it was just a year ago. Damn. That's crazy. That is kind of crazy. He could. I thought I, I did, I know that was, that was two years ago. That was last year. You did take a break, didn't you? Kind of. I took like five months off. Wasn't it? I'm pretty sure it was last year. No, I think it was two years ago. Because since I did the show, I have not, I have, that's not true. I've mostly taken a break. I have no dates on the calendar. But you're on fucking, you're on SNL. You have a job. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. What? Yeah. You're fucking crazy. Yeah. You're fucking working for the man, dude. NBC universal. It's kind of nice. Someone tells me where to go and what to do. Y'all jealous. You know who tells you where to go and what to do? That's right. And he loves it. He's like, we're doing two podcasts tonight. I'm like, hey, Eldis, I know you plan getting dinner with your wife who's only in town this week, but I kind of want to do a podcast and then immediately get high. And I figure, what are we going to get high like friends? No, we're going to record that and make that a podcast too. Everything okay, little buddy? Let's do it. Oh, should I break my weed sobriety? Yeah, you want to stay and do a podcast that'll come out before this one? And why would that be? Now, why would that come out before this? It's a Patreon exclusive. Kushmas Brothers. It's already happened. Everyone's had a great time. Sarah was on it or she wasn't. We're not sure. She makes a quick appearance. It is fun. I don't know. Were you ever a weed guy? I was a weed guy in college. I had a bomb. Hell yeah. What kind of bomb? Was it like a crazy one? It was like a crazy, like fat, short, thick bomb. Love that. And then it just, you just reached, I just experienced ego death on weed and I was like, weed is the hardest drug known to man and I will never do it again. And I haven't, I haven't smoked weed since I got crossfaded and watched Rap World before it's released. That's the time to do it. And I was like, and Jack was showing us a kind of rap world and I was like, yeah, that's a great thing to be stoned for too. But I don't come back from weed. What do you mean? I'm just, you're just done. I'm just, I'm Googling heart attack. It's just, it's not good. So you weren't, as a kid though, you weren't, you never smoked weed. Like when you're like on Long Island. Not real. No, not really. No. What were you doing? Did you ever act out? Did you ever act a fool? Um, I would, I was a head life guard. Wow. Okay. Hell yeah. I was a head life guard for five years. Did you swim competitively in school? I did a little bit. Yeah. Just to save people's lives. And well, when I was 16, my dad's like, you're getting your working papers. I don't care what it is. So then I just ended up being a life guard and it was like all the popular girls and the football players and the volunteer firefighters. Oh, interesting. And were there any lifeguard romances for you? Come on. It's dish. So like though I did like a little partying in high school because it was like all the hot lifeguards are doing it. Yeah. I'm one of them. Yeah. Yeah. This is pre this haircut. This is no, I was pretty. You're rocking this. Really? Yeah. I did a haircut but the rest is. Something to throw people off? Yes. Yeah. I was still throwing people off. You were trying to fucking, yeah, I got you. I was still, you know, I'm when. You're unique. You got, you're letting people know you're different. You're like, I'm not going to let you get to know me. Okay. I'm going to make it obvious by sight that I'm different. I'm going to dress like grandma Yenta from The Nanny. You didn't know I'm 17 years old and you're going to like it. The Nanny. What a show. I mean, come on. Fran Drescher that. I mean, that's the most stunning woman to ever live. That's the most stunning woman to ever live. It's like her, it's like she's the Jewish version and Marissa Tomei, the Italian version. But Jews and Italians, parallelogram is on a square. You know, sure, sure, sure. It's kind of the same thing. Italians would be pissed to hear that, but you're right. You guys like, we have the same female arm hair. Interesting. That is true. I mean, Greeks, Greeks and Italians, there's a closer line there as well. I think you're picking up on the tri-state sort of like that type of Jewish girl is very similar to, it's really just being from Jersey or Long Island. It's really what you're talking, is having dark, being a brunette in Jersey or Long Island is what you're talking about. But we digress. You're dressing like the Nanny or the nanny's mom, who was a great character. Yeah, exactly. And she was basically like the bubbles from trailer park boys of the nanny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had the gay Butler and the uptight girlfriend of the guy. This is why you're a queer icon. I love that show. It's legit funny. It's legitimately very funny. It holds up fully. She's, again, the most stunning woman I've ever seen. She's so hot, too. She's wearing full heads to toe neon Moschino. Every episode she's wearing Todd Oldham. She looks fucking amazing. Best episode, lamb chop makes an appearance. I was a big lamb guy. I was a big, I know, I know. Yeah, it's I loved lamb chop until that whole Hanukkah episode. And then I was Jewish woman. You do. I do. Yeah, yeah. Sherry Lewis, Jewish woman. I like, well, I do. I mean, look, Jew, Jew, comedy, Jewish people. Right. It's just like, of course, right. I'm all in there. And there is, there is something too that what you said earlier about the like Italian, like the dark haired, loud mouthed Greek women are sort of like that too. So it's like, I get right, got right into that. And there was something. And I went to, I went to Baltimore City public schools. And so the only like white kids were like, it was like mostly Jewish Jewish kids. So like not even white, right guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're working on that. We're working on not being white anymore. It's about halfway. It's loading. I got something too. Yeah, you especially. I look at you. I'm like, that's not a white person. Fucking dress in clown pants. I was like, if I show up in a blonde wig and you would have crushed it, I would respect you. I'd be like, there wouldn't even be a conversation about what you is like. You would be like, love the special. Watch the whole scene. You guys have got to check the special out. I mean, this is some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen. I really fucked up. I was like, ah, it's a whole thing. You have to. You have to have your next appearance has to be. I showed up to this like white freezing cold apartment in the middle. It gets a little hot and a little skirt. It would that's that I would have felt like I'm in a porno. This is porn. This is porn. This is porn lights. It is porn couch. This is me and Elvis. Definitely don't have a he doesn't look like the guy behind the camera. I don't look like I don't look like the producer slash on camera talent. All right, we're doing Ron Jeremy, but his dick is small. You know the problem with Ron Jeremy that dick is just too unapproachable. Most guys check out, but they want him to be fat. They want to look exactly like him, but with a dick that's a third the size. You know, Ron Jeremy, at least he showed his fucking nuts on TV. That's true. What's your damage, dude? I'm I try again. I tried to show my nuts. I tried. Right. And I actually tried like to the point where people like, oh, like I was going to like, I didn't, I didn't care if it was a close set. I was like, I don't fucking everybody can look at my nuts. Oh my God. No, this is the breakfast scene. This is the breakfast scene. And I was like, I was pretty like, I did realize like, oh, doing a movie is having a job and it's kind of like being in an office because I had the prosthetic nuts and I was just going up to like the DP and be like, hey, dude, check this out. And he's like, ah, like he hated it. And I was like, uh, I'm going like the hair and makeup ladies. I'm like, check out these fucking nuts, guys. And they're loving it because they're cool. Right. But yeah, there were people on the sound guy didn't like it. They weren't by the end made the mic, your nuts. I was like, can you write down the seam? Can you hide? Can you hide the mic right in the seam? The balls will envelop it. Yeah, that's right. You need to do more seam work. Seam work. Seam work. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's something I, that's like what I'm writing. That's me writing for you is like a gag about somebody's like balls. Like the balls like turning inside out. Yeah, I done that. Okay. Well, I take it back. And I used chicken skin. Great minds. That's a great call. And I slashed open the nut sack and the balls were eyeballs. You know what? I've seen that. You know, I think about to secular torsion every day of my life. I have phantom ball because you know, you just, you ever just like think about what it would be like to just have big, huge tits? Not really. I think about, I just can't imagine that I want to look, I want to, I don't want to be attracted to myself. Right. I would have a big, juicy tits on my body. That would never leave the porn mansion. That would just be weird. I wouldn't like that at all. I just can't imagine sitting down and there's nuts there. Yeah. I do envy how aerodynamic women sitting, how aerodynamic women sitting down is. There's never, yeah, not worried. I've sat on my nuts. It's horrible. You know, like if you were to just like plop down and I'm also where you're not, where are you not possible that your nuts could be if you're not wearing the right underwear, they could, you could sit on your balls. Mr. Belvedere, the famous Lee sat on his own balls so hard they had to delay production for like three days. They shut down production. Uh-huh. And I also envy women never have it. Like presenting your dick is also a nerve wracking moment. If your dick's not looking, you know what I mean? Like you don't want to pull out a soft ass little ass dick. That's the bringing it out. I'm always a little, you know, for the first time, you want to be fluffed up. Women don't have that. I don't have amazing boobs. Sure, sure, sure. Hey. It's not the same though. Hey. It's not the same. Because everyone at least like, it's like everything is kind of outwardly. The dick is a big surprise that matters, right? Where it's like everyone, by the time you're about to fuck a lady, you've kind of, you've thought about it quite a bit. You know what I mean? And it's not going to be a curve ball in a way that it could be. Yeah, like you, exactly, exactly. Yeah. So, but you know, whatever. That's where the- But I don't have a penis envy or anything like that. You have ball envy. I just have ball. I'm ball curious. They are fun. I'm just curious. In terms of genitals and sexual organs, they are the goofiest. Right. Almost the most innocent ones. Right. Balls are actually pretty funny and getting kicked in the ball. Like as a kid, like you will mention your balls as like a little kid in a way that you would never like, like no one's talking about like getting kicked in the dick or pussy as a kid. But they're talking about getting kicked in the balls. Right. Like that's something that's ever present, I think. And you don't necessarily need to involve them in sex. Right. So they can just be innocent bystander to the whole thing. They're almost like it shouldn't be the Achilles heel. It should be the Achilles ball. The Achilles ball. Because they're more- You're right. That is the most vulnerable. Achilles should have been on all fours and his sex should have been swinging low. They should have fucking hit it just like that. And see now I'm thinking about the dorsion. That could just happen. Your nuts gets- They swap. A good friend. A good friend of the podcast has had his ball, when as a little kid, had his balls all turned up. And I have phantom pain. I know exactly what it feels like. You think you know what it feels like? I don't think you do. I felt it. Did you see that? I felt it. I don't- The ball- I really am. I really am. I just know what it feels like. Sure, sure. It's a shooting pain that goes up like through like I feel- Shooting is right. It is- Like an electric blue jolt. Yeah, there's a jolt to it. But there's also a numbness that lasts too long. You know? It's ball pain really is the weirdest. There's got to be an equivalent. I don't know what it is, but- When you have some ball pain, there's like a kind of consistent feeling of like you need to adjust your underwear and you just can't. And that makes you like feel a little crazy. You know what I'm talking about? Not really. That's the craziest thing to- But you can have ball- just ball pain. Like, oh, my balls hurt. Not really. It's either really intense or, you know- They get sticky. They do. They can get sticky, sure. And the heat, they elongate. You know, if it's hot. That's what I'm saying. The Trojan War, it was probably hot out there. Right. Achilles worked up a sweat. His nuts are probably hanging low. Right. And the older you get, that is a funny aspect too. Old guys' balls hanging low as hell. Just cut them off. What do you mean? You can't cut your nuts off. But we could figure out ways to- why not nut sack for juvenation? You know? Oh, on the skin. Why not the way like people's fucking get their- get a facelift? Get a nut lift. Can you wear just a sack hammock? Great question. You probably could. Sharks. You're gonna make sack hammocks. Sharks what we have for you today. And for that reason, I'm in. A bidding war. They have to have invented this. I think I have seen something. If your nuts are injured, you can kind of have like a- look that up, Eldis. Like a nut sling. You had some ball issues. You had one giant homunculus nut for a while. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. I had a UTI that turned into like a ball. Listeners know Eldis, you know. We don't have to- Sarah, Sarah was an active listener. Basically I got like epidetomitis, which made my left nut sack like big as a lemon, like crazy swollen. Like I was really scared. It enveloped his dick. Yeah. It like got so big it pushed like my- my dick skin up and like my dick just disappeared within me. Yeah, it got so big it made his dick disappear. So it was at least four centimeters big. Fuck you. It was fucked up. Fuck you. I mean, how did- what's epidetomitis? It doesn't matter. I don't know exactly. Some kind of- some kind of ball infection from a yeast infection. Thankfully I passed- I passed, you know, it passed, but maybe that's- How are your nuts? Let's do a little check-in. Are your nuts normal, you think? Did you have to wear a skirt for a week? I still wear a wear a skirt. He pretended to be Scottish. I could- I could weirdly like walk through it. It wasn't that intrusive when I was walking, but- This has a lemon. It was- it got like crazy, like scary huge- You were ball pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, it's not- it was out of control. Yeah, it was fucked up. He was podcasting through it though, a real trooper. Again, he knows where his bread is buttered. He wasn't as- Mr. Stovey, I'm sorry I'm late. Do you need any twisted teas, pal? Well, I put a hemorrhoid pillow down on the fucking producer's chair. Riff, Eldis, I don't care if you're nuts hurt. Riff right now. Interesting. Yeah, so you have nut envy. Well, maybe one day you'll be able to get a nut envy. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Wow. Interesting. Yeah, so you have nut envy. Well, maybe one day you should get some like, I should have kept the prosthetics and given them to you to wear. I've made balls of my own. Okay, so you've, you know. But I've never, it's not the same. I get you. Sure, it's not. Just curious. Now, going back to, you know, let's get back to being a lifeguard. You know, maybe you saw some balls in one of these, in one of those bikini briefs. Maybe you were- I- Ogling. I was at a party. I've got so cool, all the athletes, whatever, whatever. The quarterback of the football team. Wow. Asked me out. Wow. And I said, no, no, no. Wow. And then everybody's like, Sarah, you're not going to do better than that. Just go out with him. It's just, and I was like, I don't know. Not that intense. No disrespect. He was bald at 16. No disrespect. Why are you looking at me when you say that? I don't understand what you mean. No disrespect. He was bald to me. Quarterback, though. And he was no disrespect. He was short. No one's short here. And it just, we weren't really vibing. The quarterback was bald and short. Jewish team on Long Island. That's insane. It's a Long Island football team. It's a Jewish Long Island football team. Interesting. You think there's a Jewish Adonis on Long Island? I don't know, me. Who knows? I just, I literally was like, oh, he's a jock. I'm an artist. I got my eye on the stage manager of the theater department. That was you. You're like, I don't want this guy. I want the guy who's helping do quick changes for me. Yeah. Well, I have my eyes on the English teacher. Hell yeah. It was a young English teacher. He had a red and white beard and he would smoke a pipe in his car in the parking lot and he would wear Snoopy ties. And then you and my best friend, Emily, would watch him smoke his pipe in his car and be like, God, that must be what professors are like. So yeah. Wow, no vice. I've held on to the fact that the quarterback asked me out in high school. But also he's five, six and bald. I know, but I got to hang my hat on that for you. I'm still hanging my hat on it. But you didn't even so much as jerk his little dick off or anything. No, because again, he was a jock. It wasn't going to jerk off a job. I was really like that. I believe you. I totally believe you. I was like, I was rocker. He was a jock. Right, right. Yeah, he was a stator boy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You said see you later. I wonder like, yeah, I've thought about it so much about this particular guy. Yeah, this, this is a sliding doors moment in your life. I've just, if you get figured by the, by a bald 16 year old, how does your life change? It's just been different. I'm, I'm imagining Sarah saying no when he asked her out and then the end of the night at that party is like the end of Carrie. You're just like covered in pigs blood and that's where Sarah's word was born. He makes the fucking fire hose, bring me with diarrhea. Yeah, do you think it'd be different? You think you would be like teaching theater and he'd have like an account for a long island? Yeah. Because it's true. You could just channel this into dressing like the nanny. There is a long island version of you that's a housewife. I've never in my, I swear, I swear to God. Never in my life has that idea even crossed my mind. But it doesn't, I didn't, I didn't think about it until now, but it's like that is sort of like that loud dressing. There's that is that entirely informed where she would talk about on the show how she would shop at Phyline's basement. I, so I would make my aunt go to Phyline's basement. She wore a head to toe Moschino. So it's like that was the one designer I knew about. Sure. I, I would, I would do, I do anything. I would do anything for her. I fucking anything. She ate wasabi on the show. I tried wasabi at the sushi place. That was my girl. Yeah. That's what puts and puts some fucking respect on her name. We're putting in the same, former SAC president. Negotiated the new deal. Exactly. Now we got Rudy. Now we got fucking Sean, whatever his name. You should run for SAC president. Me. I've been in one movie. I've been in one, yeah, two, a one real movie. And it's best articles real movie. He's coming out and I guess three movies. I guess I was in an HBO movie for movies. HBO. I'm an HBO streamer. I was, I did one scene where I'm the weird guy on the bus for a rom-com between like 22 year olds. Put some respect on him. Put some fucking respect on him. Shout out to Sweethearts. Oh! Caleb here and plays a college freshman in that. It's him, Keirin and Shipka and Nico. I forget Nico's last name, but two 24 year olds and Caleb. Right. If there any time an audition comes across my desk and they do and please keep sending them, please, I'll do full frontal. I don't care. Much to stop dismay. I'll do full frontal. I'll do full back up. I'll do anal. I'll do anything. Any time an audition comes that's like whatever 30s. I'm like, can we not? What's this about? What's this about? I can play 28. I bet. My agent called our agent. Oh, okay. I didn't realize that. And there was a movie that I didn't know. Remind me of getting you agent of this. There's clearly not working for people. There's a movie I really want to be in. He's like, yeah, the director's telling me there's no parts for you. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, well, it takes place in high school. I go, I'll do a high school. And he was like, oh, you mean I like, yeah, I can do it. You thought you were going to play a student or like a teacher? I want to be in the movie so badly that I was like, put me in coach for high school. And he had to be like, come on. Look, I know my job is to lie to you, but you're stretching that. I'm an immoral. My whole job is immoral and it's about lying to my clients and pretending I think higher of them when really they're just a means to 10% of a check and I don't really care. And the whole agency is somehow what the money we don't know. Listen, bleep, cut this out. No, you're just going to stay in. But even you are stretching even my ability to make to pump you up delusionally. I feel like I could you think you can play a high school student. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. There. Hear me out. Some teenagers today vape a lot. OK, so I think right that vaping causes early onset skin age. Like if a kid grew up in a smokestack, they invaped all the time. You could play her. Right. Right. Right. Right. Maybe she's a chimneys sweep. She's a chimneys sweep and aged her prematurely. And everyone's like, oh, look, there's fucked up face Sarah. Right. Exactly. The dumb bitch who's 16, but looks fucked up. Yeah, you can play that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I mean, Serena, the teenage witch, she was like 30. Yeah, I guess. And the cameras were blurry, which brings me to be right. Like my. Your fear of the blur. Oh, it all comes back. Well, TV used to be blurry. That was just everything wasn't high death. Right. And I think we don't need to see a porn studio. These don't need to be so I agree. Sometimes I agree. Yeah. And if the cameras were less porn cameras, then I could be playing 16. My role, you know, they that's what it used to be. TV was blurry. You could get a Buffy with a Buffy was here. But yeah, right. When I think Buffy, when I think when I think Sarah Michelle Geller while playing Buffy, right, I'm like, who which one of my friends reminds me the most? Sarah Sherman. I just could use I could use the Irishman filter. Yesterday, I could. You played. I mean, you did. You've already gone this, though. You played a rabbi. You said I'm not kidding. It said on the thing, Rabbi 30s. And I went, do we have to rub it in? And I do your to do be fair, though, when I saw that, I was like, huh, that's weird that I was for a second. I thought that because I was so young. But then I was like, oh, no, of course. But I didn't listen. Need you. I was like, Sarah's playing a rabbi. She's too young. And then but then my senses caught up to me. And I was like, wait, no, of course she's not. That's like that's also what I'm going to run. Like I'll never play a young person on camera. I just played. I just played a guy who was like a few years older than Jesse Plemmons. Jesse is a year older than me. You know what I mean? I'll always. I will never I'll play like dads. I'll play fucked up old guys. Right. You know, and that's fine. That's our lives. I'm a comedian. OK, first, above all else, at the end of the day, God's honest truth, I am on this planet to attempt to extract laughter. Attempt. It's not always going to happen, but I'm going to attempt. Yeah. Do I just get a. Do I just get a lower facelift? No, you look great. Stop. Stop fishing. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not. I'm saying I'm talking brass tacks here. You're a hustler. You're in grind set mindset. Yeah, I'm just saying if I if if acting bag is maybe want to try to do some acting bag, I'm just I'm just talking. No, no, no, no, no. First of all, I wouldn't start with a face. I got a couple ideas we can start with. I've seen some facelifts that I go. No, shut the fuck up. That I go. But that you're so stupid. It's crazy. The fact that you think that's what's holding you back. It's a fucking thing. You think you're going to get hot vixen rolls if you get a facelift? That's not even it. I just want to play a high schooler. And I know you can play a high school fucking assistant principal. Right. You know, you can do that for longer. You don't need a face. But but I'm going to when the camera stop rolling, I'll tell you guys the movie and then you'll be like, get a facelift tomorrow. First of all, you're just not going to be in the movie. So let's just I'm not I'm not above bad begging. I see a director of a movie on the street. I'd be like, hey, I'm free. Yeah, I don't care. Whatever the movie is. Yeah, the facelift doesn't get you in the movie. I promise you that. True. You're going up. There's fucking bots. You do it real fast that if I got botched, it would be amazing. You would love that. I want to get botched. Blast surgery. I tried to get like nipples on my ass. And I got my butt green now. Can't sit. No, no, no, you're too. You're not. You shouldn't get surgery. That's stupid. I am curious though. You you turncoat because you got to. I think it's a little different. I think it's a little different than a face lift at fucking 30, whatever you however you are. Yeah, but you all you all of us said, bro, you all your day ones, all your writer guys said it's working. I loved it. Having no tooth. I loved it. I really did. But it did get to a point where I was like, all right, I guess I have a tooth. Is this the one that's chipped? Yeah. It's the fake one is chipped. I didn't fix it. I'm not doing to that tooth that I don't know. I woke up one day and it was chipped. I swear to God, I chipped it in my sleep. I remember looking in the mirror and being like, what the fuck? What are you doing? I was grinding my teeth. It was grinding. I grind my teeth so hard that I have bone growths inside of my mouth under my tongue. I believe I'm grinding and clenching. Do you clench all day? I'm better about it. I think I was really stressed at the time. Right. It's lips together, teeth apart. Oh, really? All day I clench my teeth so hard. Interesting. I've ground mine down. You look stupid as fuck doing that, Eldis. I am still curious about lifeguard Sarah, though. I'm curious about Sarah. I am. Who is so? Did you ever, OK, you fetishized the teacher. Right. Did you ever do the classic move of dating some fucking guy like 10 years older than you or something? No. You never did. I went in high school. I went on a couple of dates with a guy who was 30. In high school? In high school. That's not what I asked. What the fuck? And he. How did this happen? Because. The internet I'm going to say. No, no. How did you meet a 30-year-old? And you were in high school. He was like friends with my friends. Like me, he wasn't 30. Yeah, he's like either way. He felt, he felt very. Let me tell you something. And he took me out to bubble tea. And his wallet was his cigarette case. And he goes to pay. He opens his cigarettes. And he goes to pay for the bubble tea. And he was like, can you spot me? No. Oh my god. And then I never dated older dudes after that. Because I was like, I found out young that they were losers. Right. I was like. Let me tell you something. Anyone who's not in high school, who's trying to date a girl in high school, is a piece of shit. Right. But I, we, girls usually don't find that out until they're older. But I feel like if you're dating someone, I think you find that out in college. College is the first time that's acceptable. Right. And it still can be weird. High school, he is a criminal. Right. Like that guy 100% has committed statutory rape. Right. You know, like fully 100%. Or did he just have amazing taste? No. Head life guard? I was the head life guard. Head life guard. You're rejecting the, you're like, I can't fucking date the high school quarterback. I'm a fucking artist. What are you doing? I got to date the fucking manager fucking Ben against. I don't even know. I don't think he had a job. So he was just, he was a guy who hung out, who partied with high schoolers and knew him socially. He had gone to our high school. And he still kept tabs on the underclassmen. I can't even like tell you the truth because it's like, I can't deal with your ridicule. Oh, you have to. Come on. Of course I was on my high school improv. You knew him. He was an alumnus of your high school improv team. I don't even know if he was an alumnus. Or he was just like. He was a fan. Oh my fucking God. You dated a pedophile improv fan. That's fucking incredible. But that's awesome because you did, you like just went on it. You literally courted him and you're like, not for me. Which is funny. I said something to miss. Yeah, good for you. I said something to miss here. And then I was like. He's just checking out the shows. So 24 year old. Let's say he's not 30. Let's, 24 is still crazy. We were doing the shows at like a local hot spot, the basement of the public library. He's getting dropped off by his mom. He was so cool. Get a beard. Wow. The beard, did he smoke a pipe? But he smoked cigarettes. He did smoke cigarettes. You wanted bearded and tobacco user as a child. That's what you were jacking off to. I was like, cause I was rocker. It was rocker chick. Yeah, yeah. And then I was a lifeguard and growing up on Long Island, pretty much everyone's good at swimming cause you're on an island. You just get like kind of tossed in with your baby. That's true. Everyone who I've just met had just good at. John Gabrus also was a lifeguard. He's the man. We are very similar. He and I from what I hear. Oh, you don't know Gabrus? I've done his Long Island podcast. Hell yeah. He had a Long Island character podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know Lombardo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so fun. I mean, Gabrus is fucking hilarious. He's awesome. Awesome. Stavis World fans have just enjoyed the Christmas special. Oh fuck, maybe we shouldn't give it away if this comes out before. Yeah. Well, you have a Christmas special? We'll tell you about it afterwards. Gabrus is involved. Thanks for the invite. Or we've told you, or we told you a week after. We don't know. Who's the best guest you guys have? Not you. Let's start right there. I always check in after my episode comes out. I go, did they like it? He goes, no. No, you are, they do like you dumbass. You are a favorite. You're in the top tier, I would say. You've been on it a bunch. I don't know, we've had a ton. All the episodes are pretty good. We've had some heaters. I mean, we love the RU Garbers guys, Caleb Soder. Caleb. Blake Griffin was awesome. Blake was awesome. He was like ready to riff more than like. Blake's the man. Blake's funny as shit. He's great on TV too. He's on Amazon this season. I had a long day of press. Yeah, Blake was, I gotta say, Blake was a lot funnier than you're being on this fucking episode. I'm here to watch my HBO special. I don't care. Lose my number. Don't come visit me at work. Sydney's a classic. Sydney. Oh, yeah. Anyway. So I left guard, but you don't have to like, you never, I never really had to save anyone because everyone was pretty good at swimming. Like kids would just go like face down in the kiddie pool and you're just like pulling off in the back of the shirt. And then one day I was, stop me if you've heard this before because this is, I'm having a memory of telling this. Telling it on this podcast? No, just telling it. Go ahead. So there was a girl fully clothed, this big maybe. A child. A child. Yeah. And she made eye contact. I'm on the, I was watching the diving board area at the deep end. So pretty cool. So we put the big guns. Yes, so fucking. And you were in the classic red one piece. I'm in the classic red one piece with the little bandana sandlot style. The bandana. And she makes like eye contact with me and she's moving very slowly and she's not blinking and she's just staring at me. And I was like entranced by this child. And she had me totally hypnotized. And then she starts walking like in slow motion, like full clothed and she was wearing socks and shoes. And slow motion while making eye contact with me, walks off the diving board. Does not how. In clothes. In clothes and shoes. Does not hop into the water. Slow motion walks off the diving board as if the diving board continued through space. Oh, interesting. But she was also in motion and she was kind of like, she's almost miming or clowning or something. Yes. She was one of the sexy clowns. Yeah, Charlie Chaplin style. And she was making eye contact with me and I was like so bewitched by this. And she goes in the water. She outfitted you. Slow motion. And then she just starts going like this. And I was like. Under the water? No, like, like. Oh, it gets up. Like, and then goes like this. And I was like so like entranced. And so I just start waving back. And then immediately another lifeguard is like, stop! And I was like. Stop! She's signaling for help. You're like, hey buddy, that was cool. Yeah, cause you don't make noise when you're drowning. Oh, really? All of your reserves and air are for breathing. So you never make noise if you're actually drowning. Why didn't she do that? Did you talk to her afterwards? The child? Yeah. She was. Like how old are we talking? Like five? This bit. Like. I don't think. A little kid who didn't understand what she was doing basically. I'm. That's like my one experience of like, maybe that was a ghost or like a skin walker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so. Something bizarre. Something. Like, I took this child. But, and that was my one chance to save someone in five years. And you didn't do it? And I didn't do it. Somebody else jumped in? Somebody else jumped in and saved her. Wow, that's insane. Because I would have just been like. You would have just been like. I was like, hello. Hi. She, or she was like on like a debt. She had a death drive and she was emanate. Like she was like, don't save me. And I was like, okay. I'll respect your wishes spirit. Yeah. You wanna go back. You wanna go see your husband from your last life. Yes. Kids are connected to some weird shit. When they're born and they can speak Chinese or something. Yeah. I just think babies loving old people to me is a little bit like ones on the way out. One just came in. The older I get, the more I believe in some weird shit. Well, but then all. Because babies and old people are like friends. In a way that like. And baby sea ghosts. They're always like, ah. I agree. I think the sea ghosts. And you're like what? Or some shit. They got access to something. And then what do we do? We send them to school. Right. We say, we beat the imagination right out of them. Did you have you seen ghosts? No. Have you? I took a picture in Salem, Massachusetts. Whoa. Yeah. You definitely saw one there. I mean, shut up. Salem, you had a ghost experience. You fucking idiot. Wow. I was like. Was it flying on a broom? 13. I was like 13. I took a picture of a house on my little camera. On my little like whatever camera. Film or digital? Digital. And I'm like, ooh, spooky house. Looked at the picture and I saw a smear. Whoa. And I remember being like. You're fucking $120 Canon. Definitely caught spirits. My $40 Target Canon. I remember just being like. I possess something mystical. I'm too good for the yeah, I'm too good for the the jocks. My age. I'm I'm in touch with the spirit realm. I have to date a 40 year old English teacher. Braga the century quarterback turned him down. Turn him down. To the head cheerleader ask you out. Bitch. So fuck you. Fuck you. No, no. No, we really got nothing going high school wise. The class clown. I yeah, I was people like me, of course, but I just I was too nervous to talk to a girl like to talk to a girl. The when I was a head lifeguard, I was in love with this one head lifeguard, Andrew Brash. Look it up, Andrew. Andrew, you blew it. You blew it. You blew it. He drove me home one day and is convertible. And yeah. In high school. The guy you were in love with, drove you home in the convertible. You you must have thought you were in fucking clueless. Yeah. And I was like, get off the black leather seat, swamp ass and pussy puddle. So big. And I just fuck closed the door. Well, God. And we both. And I'm like, God. And I just yeah, I can now never forget. You don't think he you think he was interested and you blew it or you just know I just give you ride home and you just give me a ride home. I was so nervous that I sweat so much that there was a full Rorschach test on the sea. It was just like a full like slimer ectoplasm. Sweat my ass was so fucking hard. How is the pussy print bigger than the ass print? How is that physically possible? Did a moose take a shower and step in my car? Damn. Well, look, channel some of these. This is good. Maybe we have maybe we have some questions about, you know, making yourself, I don't know, attractive to the opposite sex. Some things about youth. You know, Sarah is very in touch with. She's basically a high schooler. And so we're going to take some calls. Of course, the special is out on HBO. Sarah Squirm live in the flesh. You know, and this will be interesting to see if this podcast moves the needle at all. We'll find out like what kind of cultural relevancy and impact this podcast really has. And if it doesn't move the needle at all, I'll know I'll never come back. You'll never hear what I want you to do, folks. Cancel your HBO Max subscriptions and tell them it was because of live in the flesh. And again, no genitals were actually show no real pussies or dicks were shown. No dicks. No dicks at all. No. Wow. What the hell? Of course that. Come on, dude. Oh, shit. Why? Why is this playing? I just looked at it. Sorry, I was looking at a picture of my nephew and I left. I mean, he's the man. What's going on? El Do. A little more room in case she wants to do crowd work on the fucking podcast some more. She wants to do act outs again. No, I mean, he's he's so fucking. Oh, he's so fucking cute. I love when they put them in the little suit. All right. Yeah, they got he's he's dripped. How old is that? He is. Ten or eleven months. Yeah. Oh, he's not even. He's not even one. He's not even one. I want to hold a fucking baby. So he's the man. It's it's fucking awesome. The uncle mode. Awesome. How often do you go there? I've I check in like I've probably seen him like. I don't know, every every couple months, maybe. They're gonna spend some time. Yeah, I'm going to spend some time in the I would have gone and seen him more recently. But I'm, you know, the holidays, I'm going to really put some hours in with the boy. I'm excited. He's the man. Hopefully, I'll see him a bunch this year. Your smell is a little head. Is there another one or that's their only one? That's my brother's kid. My best friend, she has two babies now and they're awesome. One of them, he's like, he's like, I guess, three probably. Is is the little is the number one stunner? Is he three? It has to be right. I think so. But he's like a little guy. He has like he loves fucking aquatic shit. We'll talk to you about finding Nemo for a long time. Yeah, it's really cute. All right, I'll just play us some calls. I think that's coming from your computer. Dumbass. Stop and. And. Come on, dummy. Nice, he's unplugging something and plugging it back in. You know, he has no idea if this will work or not. He's just desperate and hoping. Let's see. You looked like a genius when you were doing that. Wow. Hey, so. Classic. Never called in before. And I want to say you unplug two things. So you weren't really sure which one it was. I didn't just plug in and plug. I switched the plug order. Wow. The USB. I think that's happened before. And the speaker is, by the way, like a bed, bath and beyond shower. Yeah, we're just getting started. This show barely makes any money. I can see Central Park from here. It travels well. Yeah, we shouldn't have a travel one and one for this studio. Anyway, go ahead, Eldis. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with the woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colors of the rainbow because that is exactly what you get with Skittles? Five bold fruit flavors in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy. They're colorful. They're perfect, just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Shamelessly promote the rainbow. Taste the rainbow. Stop as it going. Hey, so, never called in before. Have kind of a unique situation. So my wife's little cousin came into town and was visiting us for a week. And he's a young kid, 24 years old. We're both roughly about 10 years old than him. And he goes on to tell me that he's dating this girl that's nice, a couple of years older than both. I'm feeling scared. Even her mid to late 30s. Oh, wow. OK. And basically he ends up getting a phone call a couple of days ago while he's while he's staying at her house visiting. From his girlfriend that he has not been dating at long, who's, you know, 12, 13 years older than him, that she is pregnant. And he promised me that I wouldn't tell anybody. And he's telling thousands of people. And I'm a father. I've got a four year old at home. And I don't really know how to help the kid. I just told him that I was going to be there for him, but wanted to see your take on this. My take. Nice. Have a good one. How fast can you get the Planned Parenthood? That's my fucking take. You can't. I mean, is this lady going to have the kid? She's going to have a kid with a fucking 24 year old. Well, it's a geriatric pregnancy. She's probably like this is the last. I don't know. I would have known I'm 18. So. Damn, fuck, dude. So I thought there was going to be some resolution. He's just how do I help this kid? I mean, yeah, it sounds like it's getting a fake passport. Get him to Ecuador. By the way, you're always like Sarah, you're so sex negative. Yes. This is what happens. Exactly. You've never been. You've never been in danger of getting pregnant. My life. You've had sex. It's been like seven condoms have been worn. It's more likely that I will get to secular torsion and pregnant. Yeah, this is brutal stuff. This kid's so, so fucked. OK, first of all, what do what are they going to do here? I guess she's going to. I mean, we I said my hunch is that they're going to have the kid, right? Otherwise, what you do is tell him you'll pay for a fucking abortion. I mean, what are we talking about here? This is fucking insane. He just started dating her. And this is the problem. Look, dating someone older, you they're the one who's supposed to know not to get fucking pregnant. Like, is he blasting inside this lady? It's poor fucking kid. Lady is the cougar in the relationship. It's up to you. Are you trying to get knocked up by this kid? I guess she was. That's what I that's what I'm thinking. Is she wants to be pregnant? Fuck. I would say. I mean, look, if this if if go ahead. I mean, what? Maybe they've talked about it. Look, it seems like obviously, you know, it's her call, what she wants to do here. He can advocate for himself. But maybe he even wants to get I don't fucking know. I'm get I'm putting my coastal elitist eighth godless views. I don't see it as a baby. So sue me. It's fucking it's a bunch of it's a little. It's like jizz plus the first month or so. You know what I mean? But there's bones. It's like, yeah, believe me. I'm the wrong guy for this conversation. People are going to get pissed to me. He did say the kid is freaking out. So it's not like the kid is like open. Let it let it come. Like, I think he's like, what the fuck am I going to do? Yeah. Well, step one is you have to have a conversation with. I mean, this is great that we're fucking releasing this. He probably called in a month ago. It's coming out in a month and a half. This kid's going to be he's going to be hosting a baby shower by the time we fucking this call comes out. But we will give advice and good faith. First things first, you got to have the. So what's the plan conversation? That's number one. And if the plan is, you know, that we got to we got to stop this, then you need to support that in any way, shape or form. You possibly can. If the plan is I'm keeping the fucking kid. I want to have this kid. Mike, he's just kind of fucked here and look at it like supporting him through any trash. I mean, it would be look it'd be different if he'd be dating her for a while. But it's like getting someone you just started dating pregnant and she's older than you. Um, not that that really matters. It's really just the how that they're not in a serious like you have a kid with somebody you barely fucking know. Which is 34 he's 24. What is it? Probably more like 36 37 based on the math. Yeah, I wouldn't date a 24 year old if I'm my age, which is much, much. Yeah, I mean, that's insane. And it's like even for her, it's like, lady, fuck this 24 year old. Get a couple, get some youthful dick up in you. But you're going to have a kid with him. How do you support him? I don't know. You just kind of support him any way you can. You're you got to be there for him financially. He's gonna meet it. Yeah. I mean, help him get a fucking job. I don't fucking know, dude. This sounds like the caller's wife is not in the loop. I think you got a he sounds like he's on a walk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. He's far away. He can't. Yeah, he can't have him. He can't take this call in his in his house. Yeah. I mean, the wife's listen, he promised not to tell anybody we're past that. Yeah. This is not this is like, let's get all fucking hands on deck. I may have overcorrected by opening the window. It's getting cold even for me, I think. Should I close it? Probably. Are you cold? No, I'm like everything hurts. OK, I thought you were. Then we can keep it. Um. Yeah, first of all, this is an all hands on deck situation. This is not a keep a secret from your wife because her her little cousin is embarrassed. He nutted in a fucking 37 year old he met, you know, at girls, wherever the fuck he met her. I don't know. And his improv show, she was in the she was in the audience. You got to get her in the mix. You got to figure this out as a family. And yeah, depending, I think you have to calm him down so he can rationally go through this. And the order of operations is what are we going to do? You're going to have to be a big grandparent. Yeah. And if if the thing is we're keeping the kid, it's like, all right, well, get a job, start saving money. Also, you have to talk him through what he wants. He can say, like, look, I've liked dating you, but this is crazy. I'm fucking 24. I don't want to be a dad. If we want to do this, we should. And then he has to say, does he stay with her? Does he say, you know what? We can't be in a relationship. I'll obviously help financially. But it's like, hey, this is the rare time where it's like, we had to take him to court. What are you going to fucking get? What is the child support going to be fucking $18 a month? Fucking kid doesn't even use a college student or whatever the fuck he is or works somewhere. I don't know where he works, but that's the thing, dude. You just got to walk him through it and just manage his how bad he's freaking out because. If I was that I was I've had some scares, let's say we never got never got crazy. But I remember in college, my college girlfriend thought she might be pregnant. And I did not rise to the occasion. I was like, ah, ah, I was like, no, no. And I think at that moment she was like, I can't this is over. This relationship is over. Like that's how he deals with crisis. I was I literally was I was wearing a hoodie and I was like, oh, I literally did that. I was like, oh, no. It didn't end up it was just whatever. She was just kind of paranoid. But I showed my true colors as a 21 year old who was not able to handle that situation. And he probably can't handle the situation. So you just need to take his emotional blows so that he can now think as rationally as possible because he's going to need all his all his wits about him to get this to figure this out. My worst fear is that I'm pregnant. This is my recurring nightmare. You never want kids. No, no. My recurring nightmares. I'm nine months pregnant and I'm like, how did this happen? Even though that is kind of in a horror in a body horror way, pregnancy is the most body horror natural thing possible. And then my body horror nightmare mind gives birth to the frozen ice baby with wires coming out of its head. Every time. Interesting, interesting. And that's where you take a vow. You've taken a vow of celibacy. Exactly. So yeah, I'm sorry, brother. That's all you can do is just fucking be a sounding board, help him work his way through the order of operations. And yeah, get your I mean, your wife needs to know about this is crazy. This is not like this is not like I smoked weed in your car. Can we get it detailed before she finds out he might have a child? Dude, fuck. Yeah, that shows you how not prepared for having a kid. He is like, don't tell my don't tell my big cousin. He's worried about getting in trouble. He should be worried about the life he's about to bring into this world and how that's going to impact. And you know what? Maybe he's gonna like it. That's the thing. I was going to say either way is fine. Like he'll be because he has a kid. Sometimes I'm like, damn, if I were to fucking knock somebody out of my 20s, I'd have a fucking 15 year old or some shit by now. I'd be done parenting. I would have done a bad job, but I'd be done. You know what I mean? Like we go to we'd be watching, you know, we'd be going to 4DX movies together by now. I'd be babysitting on tour. Oh yeah. I'd be in the green. He would be our intern. He would be our intern. That would be awesome. Fuck. Oh shit. Should I have a kid? So we can have a free labor real immigrant shit. Have your fucking kid. So I can have an intern in 17 years. Yeah. Rich men can do whatever they want. I know it actually is. You could have a kid. It wouldn't even affect you at all. I know. I actually was thinking about I remember when I was in my mid 20s, because my mom was like, when are you going to get me? I was like, Liz, you want a kid? I can get you a kid. But you're going to I literally was like, do you want to raise? Like I'll get you a kid. You got a raise and she was like, no. She was like, no, I'll help with it. But yeah, sorry, dude. I don't know. We've exhausted ourselves here. Good luck. But yeah, it's basically how does he handle it going forward? Is he prepared? He's probably not prepared to be a dad if that's what's on the table. And does he really want to stay with this woman? And if not, figuring out what his life looks like, where he can kind of be a co-parent to a cougar. Get him a Patreon subscription. He can call it a live show. Yeah, gift him a Patreon subscription. He can call in and get him to be a part of the Discord. We can help him sort it all out. Yeah. He could start pretending like he's mentally ill to her. You're like, you should be like, hello? Oh, I'm sorry. Jack got out of his home. Oh no. Did you? He can pretend to be sane for a little bit, but just convinced this woman. For two and a half months or ever along the way. He's got about two and a half months before this schizophrenia kicks in. Oh yes, we've just institutionalized him. Yes, yes. Well, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'm glad you're not with his child. I mean, his jizz is rotten and the kid will come out. Whatever. You could do that. You could try and say he's mentally unstable, or they have some kind of rare genetic disorder that will get passed down. That's something you could lie to this lady about, but either deceit or supporting him through this. Those are your two options. Next question, Eldis. Please stop the Eldis and guess. Um, so I have a smelly sibling. Smelly sibling. They're 40 years old and have developed a bad habit a pretty long time ago of not caring about personal hygiene or maybe not realizing that they smelled. They would take off their shoes in the house and you can smell their foot odor right away. Um, they kind of smell like body odor and incense. Incense. So my husband and I are going to go out of town for four days and my sibling who lives about four hours away is going to come help my parents. So we just live down the street from to take care of our kids and our dog while we're gone. Oh, it gets in the. So I thought I'd offer up our house for my sibling to stay in so it won't be too chaotic in my mom's tiny house and everyone can have their own bed. My dad is a lot. And so I just thought that my sibling would appreciate sleeping somewhere else. Um, they're super sweet. They've always offered to let us stay with them anytime we go visit over there. They're very considerate and caring and giving and I just want to be that way to them. Even though I've always been pretty meticulous with my things and I'm like super clean and kind of type a person. So I just talked to my husband about it and he says he doesn't want them to sleep over there because of the smell and he doesn't want them to be in a bed or really anywhere in our house because it'll smell like my sibling when we get back. So my question is do I tell them that they can stay at our house but they have to like shower before bed or sleep in our sun's room? What the fuck? You have to tell your sibling to shower? When we're not there. Um, or should I just not even mention it knowing that they may have a hard time being over at my parents altogether for four days. This is nothing. Uh, all right. Thank you. This has nothing to do with where this person is staying. You just have to tell their sibling that they stink. Yeah, I mean what are we talking about? They smell so bad that your husband is saying look, but here's the other thing. They're doing you a favor. Right. Like how bad does someone have to smell? Like what's it really worth? You're getting child care. You're getting somebody looking after your parents. It's like He can change the sheets like okay. I get it. Your your non-binary gutter punk sibling is going to have their fucking rescue golden retrievers that they never bathe with bandanas on stomping around through your house and you're like I don't they take their Doc Martens off and there's fucking green stink lines come Come on their fucking socks, right? She said incense, but she did she said body odor and incense, but she didn't say anything else besides that Yeah, and so that's me. This is me. This is what I think is going on, right? Because I know plenty I have some pals that are this type of person. You know We've seen them, you know, it's it's it's it's crazy We Thank god for I I kind of agree with you where it's like this is about telling your sibling to fucking bathe They're 40 40 years old Also, if you're not gonna do it if I was walking around all my life with spinach in my teeth and my fucking brother didn't tell me There was spinach in my teeth. That's my brother. Yeah. Yeah, I know this is crazy and like You gotta have have you had this conversation? Have you never had this conversation? Maybe they have a disease Either way I mean look I I'm of the opinion that if someone is coming over to do child care To watch your your kids to watch your parents You're not gonna let them stay at your fucking house or you here's what you could do. You want to know the the King Solomon's way Pretend you're getting your fucking house fumigated and get them a hotel Like if you're worried about if you're worried about them your parents being too much Because at the end of the day now, this would be different if they were begging you to crash Or something then you could be like Look, my husband is fucking You and not even don't even blame my husband because you should feel this way too This is crazy if they were asking you for a favor. This would be different They are doing you a favor So I think you do owe it to them to make their experience that you're while they're doing you this favor pretty good Also, you owe it to them to have a stink intervention. Yeah, you owe this person. They stink. Tell them. Yeah. Yeah Oh, but I guess I'm operating like they don't know Maybe they know if they know that's a whole other also big problem Right, but it doesn't get them out of it's like you can't fucking like You can't bring like, okay If somebody's coming over to my house and they just leave a bunch of garbage there and it smells like garbage Stop looking at me That's you can't I'd be like that's fucked up. You can't do that, right? If if the odor is coming from their fucking armpits or whatever their feet It doesn't matter where the odor comes from you can't come to my house and make it smell like shit, right? But yeah, you have to look the cowards way out is get them a hotel or an airbnb make some excuse up about your house whatever The real the but you should talk to them about this if not now when this is crazy and like what like Why are you on eggshells around them about this? You know what I mean? It's like Like that's the thing like there's something deeper here, right because you should be able to like My brothers come to my fucking house and smell like shit. I'd be like Fucking shower or get the fuck out of my house. That's where I would say I mean Well stinking bad is also like a sign of like Yeah, maybe you're depressed or whatever, but also you trust them enough to fucking watch the kids do this So it's like they're probably look I have had friends who don't fucking bade that much Or who are sort of like who like live in a weird warehouse Stop looking at me. Not you anymore. You're fucking they cleaned you up They fucking deloused you at mbc 30 rockets like a prison movie. They're like spread your cheeks They're putting fucking powder on you and fucking hosing you down with a fire hose Put on this blonde wig when you talk to lorne change your underwear on this aeropostal sweater When you talk to the executives But yeah, you that those are your two I think we gave you two good options if you're a coward get them a hotel or some shit make an excuse But at some point you have to under you have to reckon with why you won't tell your sibling They smell like fucking dog shit and you should you I agree you you owe it to them to tell them frankly Next question. I'll dump el dunce Hi ladies, um, so I need a bit of advice Um, I guess like Ari. Do you think my old teacher from high school is like trying to fuck or is he just being friendly? Um From this man who used to be my history teacher when I was in high school. Uh, I was a little naughty down under How bad so how about I take a a pass at your puss oh Can I suck your pussery do? All right, keep going I also used to babysit as kids when I was like this thing And that was like over 10 years ago. I'm like 25 now Um, and he's probably now in his late 30s early 40s So he recently got a divorce from his wife and I feel like he's going through some kind of He moved countries and he happened to move to the country that I've moved to Um, and then he's messaged me this morning like hey, do you still live in inside city? I'm in town and I was wondering if you'd like to meet at my hotel and now I'm wondering like why the fuck I have to meet at a hotel Wondering like why the fuck would he ask to meet at a hotel? So I've got like a triple threat of bpd bipolar and autism and the autistic part of my brain is Normal part of my brain tells me so I've got like a triple threat of bpd bipolar and autism And the autistic part of my brain is wondering if I'm Misreading into the hotel thing. No the normal part of my brain tells me that I think he's got like bad or like sexual intentions But then the bpd part of my brain just like craves attention and male validation And I'm kind of like keep going and kicking my feet. So I guess my questions are one Is there any scenario where and he Wants to like platonically meet at a hotel um and would it be terrible of me to go? Yes? Well Why it's not terrible Yes, Sarah's like Sarah's dreaming of that fucking history teacher smoking a fucking smoke making her put pubes smell like hickory That's a nice snoopy tire Who would be ashamed to see it on the floor? Why would she not go um Okay, here's the thing the here you're out basically okay, let's let's address what she's saying one is hurt Angler hurt is it innocent? No? Absolutely, but is it is it grotesque because it's clear that when he was hurt teacher He was horny for a teenager. I think that's the problem That's the problem is that right? He saw her as a Baby sad as kids right and it's and also it's not like growing up now It's not like they bumped into each other right and they got to know he was like apparently they've moved He's like i'm in this city like If it was if it was more of a meet cute Maybe but there is something to god. This is just so my fantasy teacher and then fucking them later Does sound hot i'm not i'm not don't get me wrong. I would love If like one of the teachers i'm trying to think if there's a teacher Not really not not nobody really comes to mind who's the hottest teacher well I could see anyway. I could see a scenario where this would be awesome right right But yeah in terms of what you're what you're in for it's like It's a very interesting tug of war between bpd and fucking autistic here um But look go ahead girl wild out It could be strange and messy is my only thing You know what i mean, right and listen if you want to get dick down and you're clear to this guy You're like this is it. I don't I just this is also a fantasy for me in a weird fucked up way Right. Uh, yeah, do you not get it? I guess he is a pedophile No, he's not quite it's just weird I mean he maybe but did he want to fuck her when she was 15 probably and that's not Great, but he's not making the move until she's an adult And he's divorced I just maybe maybe he's she's like the one because she was the big like he doesn't know any women No, that's not what's going on here. What's going on here is this guy got divorced and immediately is like Who are the top 10 girls I taught that I want to fuck? Hmm who are who are easily accessible to me and I can dm and by the way Hotel is a wild move also. Did he hunt her down to the city that she's who knows right? We don't know but also it's like he didn't ask you to get Dinner you get a dinner hotel probably like a hotel restaurant Meet right at the hotel is a particular it's a move maybe a little room service Yeah, it's a move. Hey, I'm not knocking it. I can't say I don't it's not something in my personal arsenal But I do think you're making your intentions very clear when you're like let's meet at my hotel I feel like we are when did she call about this because I feel like this is like happening right now Doesn't matter Pretty recent it doesn't matter That's what he was like. I feel like this is like an imminent Like I want to know what happens. Yeah. Yeah, give us an update. I actually would like the update But look here's the thing because I want to know if you like meet up with him and you're like, oh he Oh, yeah, this is like you are a pedophile. Well, that's The thing about it that's fucking weird is He taught her when she was 50 and she babysat his kids Like listen if she went to the high school he taught at and they randomly bumped into each other No, he hunted her it's still weird. I wouldn't I wouldn't think that's but but also it's like I see it from both sides You're just talking about how you wanted to fuck your teacher. This was like this is my ultimate fantasy Yeah, I think it's a lot of I think it's I think it's plenty of people's ultimate fantasy in a weird way Is is that teacher they wanted to fuck as youths? But it's it's really up to you You know, do you want to do this? She's bipolar autistic and bpd, which is a hell of a cocktail Quite the cocktail I do I bet it might be perfect. I bet it goes crazy. I bet that pushing goes insane. Oh I mean that's quite the trio right there If you do go to the hotel, I bet he's going to get some pretty good head You have the precision of an artist with the insanity of a bpd girl And bipolar I think that bpd quadrant in her brain is throbbing like crazy Might be the perfect thing like that crafts the best head of all time if I had to guess If I had to guess it's possible I wouldn't know I don't think I would know. I mean I assume some bpd and not that I'm doing a psychological screening We'll be checking the id's at the door of your green room next door Um Anyway, yeah, listen He's definitely definitely trying to fuck you. It's up to you if you want to or not I would say it's probably clean or not to Because this is a straight this is just a weird move to immediately after getting divorced trying Hunter like I don't know. I think she should I could just hear it in her voice that she wants to yeah Yeah, we're not gonna it's I'd fully up to you. It's like, okay And if I was in this position, I probably would if I had like a hot teacher was like milked the fuck up and hit me up Oh my god, you wouldn't waste a second Of course not. So yeah, whatever. Fuck it. I don't care. I don't care. You fucking do whatever. What do I care? You're right. I'm being sexist about female pedophiles if there was some teacher that looked at fat 15 year old me I was like, mmm I need to fuck that little butter ball I need to suck that little ass dick that I can see through his gym shorts Oh the way he's sweaty after gym when he comes into my class and his whole gray shirt is drenched except the nipples That turns me on has anyone from your past like like a teacher reached out to you a teacher or like Has anyone really had I really I don't think I have anybody from my past I thought I can think of That's a great question. I'm kind of offended now. You're like, why isn't somebody I'm up now? Why haven't you tried to suck me off? Sliding no nothing like that. You must have My god Yeah, just because women get treated that way of course who what type of person the I'm thinking of like This was I was older But like the GM of the barbecue restaurant I worked at that fired me in front of And humiliated me at this same restaurant where the Fucking head chef told me to wear red lipstick like a whore and it's just this how old are you you were like in your 20s? I was like a freshman in college. Yeah, and he hit you up recently. Oh, he's Is that's an awesome For a guy who's probably still a GM hundred. He's a hundred And he fired me in front of everyone like a dog in the dirt on Christmas morning on Christmas No, but like yeah, oh god Metaphorically speaking. Yeah, no, I mean I think now that I think about there's been There was like people that I went on like a date with right who rejected me right who have And I just have I think you know one of them I actually I actually fucked up. I meant to DM her back And tell her tell her she's about to he's gonna Hey hit me up again that one girl I wanted to date with and I kind of blew it I just I remember it was like the most cowardly It could have been a turning point and like it was I just moved to New York and she was hot too. She was like she was um She was half Greek Which I like because it's like Greek enough. Okay, but not fully Like I don't need the whole you know She was cool. I liked her and I was just and I think I actually did a pretty good job on the day It was the first time I went out with like a Hot woman in New York when I first moved here and I was like Against all odds. I'm doing pretty well here And I just bitched out on kissing her at the end of the night And it was and like now a hundred percent. It was just a it's a home run Sure, and I just know the moment and literally I talked about in therapy and my therapist was like, why didn't you kiss her? And I was like, that's not what I'm fucking looking for you piece of shit. He was like, oh, are you fucking literally? It was the most animated I've ever seen him. He was like, oh, are you serious? Why didn't you kid? I was like, I don't know and then I'm like pathetic and I'm the one with the crazy therapist Well, you go to fucking therapy eight times a week. We didn't even we didn't even get into it this time We that's well trod territory on StarVs world. Oh, but something to file away from for our upcoming interview Yeah, we're taking this this relationship to print folks Watch out for that or actually it's our priority come out. It's probably yeah, you've you've already seen it in interview magazine You get a great job. It's already happened. I couldn't get anyone else. Oh, it's gonna be you guys. That's awesome Yeah, it's gonna be a subreddit carpenter said no. She asked every host this season. They all said no Nick he was like, oh, I got a right for the golden globes. I gotta get ready for Glen Powell was like he called you Veronica. He was like, I can't do it Veronica. Sorry Well, I showed everyone the screener first everyone agreed And then I showed them the screener and they went, oh my god, the craziest thing just happened I my basement flooded Like and I just can't even plug in there. I don't have a computer charger. So I can't watch the Yeah, my phone exploded. It's so funny that they're like we have to do it over zoom But it's like we're doing this right now Like we could do it. Anyway, who cares a fuck I'm not gonna zoom with you. That's what my that's what an email said we we could do it whenever Zooming with you the indignity of zooming with style Jesus Really scraping the bottom of the barrel What happens if I say no motherfucker You're begging Connor and Connor's like, I got a baby. I can't fucking do it Give us another one LD Hey, stop. Hey, oldest Hello, guest. Um, you basically my problem is that I am a straight man But every single person that I meet assumes that I am gay and I would like them to stop thinking that Um, I think part of it is like presentation stuff Like I dress pretty well Like I take care of myself. I go to the gym and room and like I make sure I'm clean. You know nice and all that And I'm all like she's like a guy that appears gay, but is straight my dream He dresses well a straight guy that appears gay and can't stand up for myself No nice and all that And I'm also like I feel like I'm pretty polite And like relatively mellow in my day-to-day Interactions and I'm not trying to like Fuck everything that moves all the time, which I think is also part of it like I don't know. Do you like I have the gay voice or something? No, are you picking that up? No A little bit anyway, I try to alter things. That's the problem. You're not a reliable All your friends are the gayest guys of all time. They're cool, right? But this guy seems like a midwestern gay guy This guy seems like a gay guy who fucking shops at Target. He doesn't know how I'm not clocking gay boys I'm telling you he's got a little pinch. Okay Keep going. Let's finish up. Anyway, I tried to alter things I I tried to dress like more blue collar blue. I'm butching it out I'm wearing overalls with no shirt underneath I bought some car heart pants No, that's gay now, dude I And shit and then all the gays started buying fucking car heart pants and wearing them. Yeah So now I'm kind of I just don't know what to do Basically, I want to know how to look straighter. We're also not sacrificing any of like I know I would love to look at him too much Look, dude. Thank you. Bye. I feel like I just have the picture of this well first of all Straight George We have a friend who has this to a tee. He sounds a little gayer than this guy. He's got a big wet mouth I think there's it's got you know, he's nice. He's kind. He smiles a lot I think he's like basically he's he's stunning is what he's probably Yeah, he's probably gorgeous He's probably good looking. I think like it's more that he's clean cut But he's polite. He's clean cut. He's not like horny. Maybe he combs his hair crazy or something I just think here's a Hollywood gaze like gel and comb their hair in a very specific way Maybe he's doing a hair thing that he doesn't know is gay. It's just some guys have this Yeah, there's just no I think it means he's just like he's Stunning and no one could believe that he's straight because he's so perfect I don't think it's bad and our friend straight George A lot of people think he's gay. Can I see if visual aid of straight George? Sure um By the way, you you have some text messages to attend to eldest For me. No um, but look Dude, this isn't bad Uh, no, you're gorgeous. That's what it sounds like Uh, let me see. Yeah, here he is. But yeah, it's like how do you seem straighter? I'm just gonna put pictures. That's him It's him with his girlfriend That's his girlfriend. I think visually you don't say you really have to hear straight George's. Yeah, it is about it Is about because I think I think this guy's a different flavor where he's probably just like clean cut or something He's just trying like a You know, he's probably fit wearing like a button-down shirt into some neat chi knows some of those boring like Elders is getting hard Some of those like describing his dream man Just some of those like brown pleather shoes kind of thing with a white stripe on the bottom the white solar whatever You know what I mean? I don't think that's what I'm seeing in this guy. It's like a type. He's really fit That is often guys who are visibly very fit. I always think gay is possible But look, I just think yes gay guys are wearing car heart. Do you want to dress a little shittier? I guess if you want to I don't think this is a bad thing though I think he's not telling us something that he like waxes his chest or something. I don't know He's looking at his chest though day to day. Maybe he's walking around in a Los Angeles apparel deep v I'm walking around a tank top. I'm a very but I'm clearly a heterosexual Ryan That's a different thing you go you go a different you you turn you go the other end of the spectrum of like So straight you could do the gay shit of all time so straight of the sesh water restaurant that he's got a strip down to his tank top Because the chicken too spicy. I'm sweating and by the way, it's like well, I let a guy suck me off. I guess So how to appear more straight I don't know. I think this is good. I think you can uh Use this to your advantage I think like people yeah being a nice guy Like why is this a problem? I guess is my question. What's really negative here? I don't know And is there a way to uh, yeah, go go get our one of our food. No No starting damn. Sorry, bro I don't know. I think like how to appear straighter You could dress a little shittier You could just get like fucking Levi's instead of car heart. You could just wear like t-shirts But also you might just be a guy who seems gay and that's okay. Women are gonna trust you more Um, you know, will gay guys sit on you? Okay, maybe but you can just that's a confidence booster. Yeah, that's a compliment I just think this is your cross to bear and in terms of crosses it ain't so bad um I would say to appear straighter just be sloppier Just care less about what you look maybe get some facial hair growth going that's not manicured of like people who work out To make their arms look better You could just work out to not Not do that. You'd like listen the guy's got it. We know he has these changes work his workout regimen No, but I work out all the time. You can't tell Do you that's because what do you do run as fast as I can? As fast as I can Just sew it all It's all far behind me It's all gone away. It's just me and the open road But it's like you can't tell because I'm not doing like he's doing like vanity exercises Look, I don't know but I just think he should have to change like don't change your hair and you're changing the way How ripped he is to appear straighter? I would just say if you want to if you if this is a problem for you dress sloppier I think he should be himself because like The the thing is like there are women out there too who are like attracted to I don't know I keep one of this Yes, but Yeah, you could you could bag a Sarah out there. Oh boy. I love Yeah, I stopped working out. I get fetish it Where we're like nfl team apparel only Be the quarterback of your football team dude. I don't know so bad about looking gay, dude It's good people want to look gay awesome. Everybody loves gay now It's like everybody loves from his from his message. I think like okay one thing you should change it sounds like You are a pussy or you're worried about like being a pussy or something He's like I guess I'm pretty nice. It's like, you know Do you need some more? Is it a self confidence some more eldest Sula masculine style masculinity exactly Everybody thinks you gay. Yeah, if you want an ounce of respect in this universe You better pray in your hands and fucking gain ease that everybody thinks you're gay I say stick with it. You could be so lucky. I say stick with it. It's nice to be gay Women will trust you more Men will see you and that's how you get them. You can manipulate them. You can manipulate them. Um, all right. We gotta go texting You Different Let's get no, okay, it's over. All right. Fuck. Sarah. Go watch your special on HBO You have to watch it. You do have to and like I said, if you don't like it Unsubscribe and email them letting those specifically because of her special if you like the special Take a screenshot of your favorite moment. Send it to me Explain why I'll make a scrapbook. I will I like it. I believe you tell me do that Tell me what you like about it. Yeah, tell your friends what you like about it. Mm-hmm. Don't play the greek music over it Play the greek music fader out. It's over Go watch the special. Bye