The Fourth Post | Ep. 310

WVUR Podcasts Boston Think about a time you complained. We've all done it. Griping about something or someone we're annoyed with. Sometimes our complaints are well-founded. It makes sense that we're irked. But as we'll hear in today's tale, there can be an awfully fine line between sense and nonsense. I'm Rebecca Sheer and welcome to Circle Around, where story time happens all the time. Today our story is called The Fourth Post. It's inspired by tales told in a number of places, including Great Britain, Italy, Russia and the Philippines. Some really great people came together to bring you our version of this folktale, including Jeff Meacham, known for playing Josh in the ABC comedy Blackish and Principal Brett Ferd in the Nickelodeon series The Thundermans. He's currently starring as Vampire Dad Boris Hauntley in the Disney Junior series Vampirina. So Circle Around everyone for The Fourth Post. Alfie was a substitute teacher. For years he had been stepping in for full-time instructors when they needed time off. Alfie adored teaching, but he earned for a class of his own. So you can imagine his delight when he applied for a full-time job at a faraway school and got it. This is so great. I'll move to my new town, a rented apartment, then once I start my job, I can save up enough money to buy a house. It seemed like a great plan, but when Alfie arrived in his new town, he made an unexpected discovery. There's no one apartment around here that I can actually afford. Everything is so expensive. I need to live somewhere, so if I can't rent a place, then I'll build one. I'll scrounge up some wood and put up a cozy cabin at the edge of town. Alfie got to work collecting whatever bits and scraps of lumber he could find. He managed to gather enough wood for the floor, ceiling, and walls, but he only had enough for three posts. I need four posts to hold up my cabin's roof. Since I can't afford to buy a fourth post, I'll go and see the local carpenter. I'll ask if I can borrow a post. Yeah, I'll pay them back once I start my teaching job and have some money in the bank. When Alfie entered the carpenter's shop, he was greeted by a stocky fellow wearing overalls, a tool belt, and a name tag that read Albert. Hello there. How can I help you today? Alfie? Alfie bet soup? Is that you? Alfie's stomach did a flip flop. Alfie bet soup was his nickname back in school. Inspired by the old cafeteria stand by of alphabet soup, chicken broth with pasta alphabet letters, the name was given to him by the school bully, a stocky, bossy kid named... Albert? Wow, I didn't recognize you. Really? But we spent so much quality time together when we were kids. Remember how you used to help me with my homework? Alfie cringed. He had not helped Albert with his homework. He had done it for him. If he dared to refuse, he would find a heap of sand in his rain boots or a cans worth of shaving cream in his backpack. So tell me Alfie bet soup. How can I help you today? Alfie hesitated. He didn't want to ask his childhood nemesis for a favor, but what choice did he have? Well, Albert, I'm looking for a wooden post, so I can finish building a cabin at the edge of town. I can't afford to buy a post at the moment, but I've got this great new gig teaching at the school. Once I start earning money, I can pay you back. Alfie held his breath, awaiting Albert's response. If they were still kids, Albert would no doubt grab Alfie's head and give him a nougie, or grab his underwear and give him a wedgie. But instead, he grabbed Alfie's hand and gave it a shake. You've got yourself a deal. You could use one of my posts. Alfie could hardly believe his ears. I can use one of your posts. That's amazing. Thank you, Albert. I'll pay you back just as soon as I can. Oh, come on. An old friend doesn't have to pay me anything. Not one cent. Alfie's jaw dropped. An old friend. Not one cent. Clearly his old nemesis had turned over a new leaf. Albert, I'm so grateful for this. I'll put the post to use right away. And he did. Now that Alfie had his fourth post, he worked day and night to finish his cabin. By the middle of summer break, it was done. Early one morning, while snoozing on a second-hand mattress he had found, Alfie was jolted awake by a pounding at the door. Who could that be? I'm not expecting any visitors. Oh, that's barely past sunrise. When he slid into his slippers and pulled the door open, who should he find standing outside? Good morning, Alfie, Betzoo. But, Albert. I've come to collect my cash. Alfie yawned and rubbed his eyes. I'm sorry, Albert. I just woke up and I'm kind of groggy. What cash have you come to collect? The cash you owe me for the post. The cash I owe you for the post. Alfie was no longer groggy. He was gobsmacked. But, Albert, you told me that an old friend doesn't have to pay you anything. Not one cent. Yeah, I did tell you that. But come on, Alfie, Betzoo. Since when are you an old friend? Alfie felt his heart plunge into his slippers. I can't believe this. You weren't being serious. It was all a trick. Of course it was a trick, Alfie, Betzoo. You know I always love pulling a fast one on you. Like the time I unscrewed the shower head and locker room and put hot pepper inside. Then I screwed the head back on before you took your shower. Alfie shuddered. He had smelled spicy for days after that stunt. Listen, Albert, I told you I don't have any money. Once my teaching job starts, I can eventually pay you back. But until then, I don't... Negative. Not on your nelly. You either give me the cash now or you give me the post. Alfie threw up his hands. I can't give you the post. Look, it's holding up the roof of my cabin. The whole place will fall down if I take it out. Not my problem. Look, if you can't give me the cash and you won't give me the post, then I'm giving you a summons. You and I will go see the judge in the capital city. Word has it, she's one tough cookie. So be ready first thing tomorrow, Alfie back soup, because I am taking you to court. What will happen when Alfie and Albert face the judge? We'll find out after a quick break. The reviews are in and super fans like you are loving the Circle Around Club, an exciting opportunity to support public radio and get cool stuff, including ad free episodes and a personalized birthday message from me. What I like about the Circle Around Club is that Rebecca Sheer sends extra messages and it supports the show and there are no ads. Grownups support public radio and sign up today at WBR.org slash Circle Around Club. I'm Rebecca Sheer. Welcome back to Circle Around. Today our story is called the fourth post. Before the break, Alfie's childhood nemesis Albert was taking him to court in the capital city many miles away. Alfie didn't talk much as they walked down the road. Albert, however, prattled on. Remember that time I stuck your rear end to your desk chair with chewing gum? That was awesome! And on. And how about the time I filled a pitcher with water and mac and cheese powder? And I told you it was orange juice? That was awesome too! By lunchtime, Alfie's patience was dwindling and his tummy was grumbling. He sat down on a stump and pulled some bread and cheese from his rucksack. When Albert saw the food, his face lit up. Oh, is that lunch? I'll be taking that! Before Alfie could protest, Albert grabbed the bread and cheese and began annoying away. This reminds me of when you used to share your lunch with me at school. Alfie rolled his eyes. He had never shared his lunch with Albert. He had given it to him. Otherwise, he might find his desk crawling with banana slugs. Alfie sighed and watched helplessly as Albert polished off his lunch. Then they continued on their way. They stopped when they reached a high bridge spanning a river. Yikes! This bridge is so old its beams are rotting and crumbling into the water. There's no way we can walk across. I don't normally agree with you Alfie bed soup. But you're right. I guess we'll have to swim instead. Cannon ball! Albert took a running leap. It was a long way down. After finally hitting the water, he doggie paddled to the other shore and called up to Alfie. Come on down! The water's fine! Alfie braced himself and jumped. Here I go! But when he hit the water, he also hit a man who was bathing in it. Oh my goodness. I am so sorry sir. The bridge was so high I didn't see you. The man scowled. You may not have seen me but you landed on me. I think you sprained my pinky finger. You might even have broken it. For that I am taking you to court. Alfie's heart clenched. Oh I understand that you're upset sir and again I'm sorry. How about I take you to the nearest hospital and we can... No! I am taking you to court. You'll pay for what you've done. Alfie heaved a sigh. Then he pulled the man to the other side of the river where Albert was waiting with us. Merk. Way to go Alfie bed soup. That was a real smooth move. Now you'll face the judge for two crimes instead of one. Alfie gritted his teeth and followed Albert and the man down the road. They were nearing a muddy pond when they laid eyes on an unusual site. Flailing around in the pond's sticky sludge was a teeny tiny... Sureble. And besides the pond was a frenzied frantic woman. Come on Seymour. I don't know how you got stuck in that muddy pond but I've got to get you out. So please stop squirming. Alfie felt his heart go out to the woman and to Seymour. Pardon me ma'am. May I try to get your gerbil out? By all means I can't get a hold of him. Alfie stepped into the mud, seized Seymour by his long thin tail and gave it a yank. Got it. Got it. Happily he pulled Seymour right out. But unhappily he pulled Seymour's tail right off. Look what you've done. You pulled off Seymour's tail. And even though gerbils can shed their tails, they can never growls and back. Oh I'm so sorry ma'am. It wasn't accident. But you did. You broke Seymour's tail. And you broke my heart. Seymour is my best friend in the entire world. So I'll make you pay for what you've done. I am taking you to court. Alfie grimaced. Albert grinned. This is not your day Alfie bit soup. How many crimes are you accused of now? Three. Alfie didn't say a word. He just heaved a sigh. Then followed Albert, the man with the sprained pinky finger, the gerbil with the broken tail and the woman with the broken heart to the capital city. Before long they were filing into the courthouse and standing before the judge. Good afternoon everyone. I must say it's not often I see a case with multiple plaintiffs. Usually just one person is lodging a complaint. And looking to me to make things right. So Albert, let's begin with you. What is your complaint against Alfie? Albert puffed out his chest. That rascal has my post your honor and he refuses to return it. The judge locked eyes with Alfie. Is what Albert says true Alfie? You will not return his post. It is true your honor. But if I do return it, my cabin will fall down. And besides Albert led me to think he was giving it to me as an old friend. You're not an old friend. You're just selfish. Selfish. Albert, I gave you my lunch and you ate all of my bread and cheese. What does that have to do with? Gentlemen, please settle down. I hear by rule that Alfie shall return Albert's post. Ha! And Albert shall return Alfie's lunch. Huh? Alfie could have said the same thing. How could Albert return the bread and cheese? They were already in his belly. But before any questions could be asked, the judge moved on to the man with a sprained pinky. You, sir. What is your complaint against Alfie? Well, when he jumped into the river where I was innocently bathing, he landed on me and sprained my pinky finger. The judge gave Alfie a look. Is what he says true Alfie? You jumped into the river and sprained this man's pinky. Yes, it is true your honor. But I only jumped because I couldn't walk across the broken bridge. And I was up so high I didn't see him. Oh, so you're the victim now. I'm the guy with the injured finger. Please. Enough squabbling. I hear by rule that Alfie shall bathe in the same river that the man did. Then the man shall jump from the bridge, land on Alfie and sprained Alfie's finger. What? Alfie was just as confused as the man was. But the judge pressed on shifting her focus to the woman. It's time for our third plaintiff. Ma'am, what is your complaint against Alfie? He pulled off my gerbos tail, your honor. He yanked it right off his body. The judge leveled her gaze on Alfie. Alfie? He's what she says true. You pulled off her gerbos tail. It is true your honor. But I was only trying to rescue him from the muddy pond. And I'm sorry his tail won't grow back. But at least he's safe from the... Safe from what? From looking like a normal gerbil and having a nice long tail. Please. Enough of the interruptions. I hear by rule that this woman is a good woman. Rule that this woman shall give Alfie her gerbil. Alfie shall not return the gerbil until he has made its tail grow back. But that's absurd. There's no way that... The court has spoken. You have your orders and I expect you to follow them, lest you wind up in this courthouse again. This case is closed. The judge rose to her feet and swept out of the room. Alfie gave the three plaintiffs a shrug. Well, I guess it's time to start following the judge's orders. He turned to the woman. Ma'am, you have to give me Seymour. According to the judge, I get to keep him and least until his tail grows back. But I can't give you Seymour. If I do, I'll never see him again, because his tail won't grow back ever. So, Halibut, instead of giving you my gerbil, I give you my money. Here, she reached into her purse. Take these 50 coins. Oh, but the judge said... I don't care what the judge said. The whole thing is impossible. You take the money and we'll forget about our differences. She pressed the coins into Alfie's palm, then popped Seymour into her apron and sprinted out of the courtroom. By the time Alfie and the two remaining plaintiffs exited the courthouse, the woman was gone. When the three men came to the river, Alfie led the man with the sprained pinky to the edge of the bridge. As you can see, sir, it's a long drop to the river. But don't worry, I'll be bathing in the water so that you can land on me and sprain my pinky. The man peered down. Panic flooded his face. Look, Alfie, I know what the judge said, but I can't do it. I can't jump off this bridge. I'm bound to break my other pinky finger. I'm bound to break everything. He reached into his pocket. You took the woman's money, so please take mine. Here are 200 coins. Use them in good health. He forced the money into Alfie's hand and bolted away. Albert, who had been uncharacteristically quiet all this time, finally spoke up. Okay, this is nonsense. Absolute nonsense! You committed all these crimes! Yet now you're getting paid for them? Well, mark my words, Alfie Betzoupe. You're not getting a cent from me. You're giving me my post, and that's that. End of story. Is it, though? Alfie shrugged. I mean, the judge did order that I give you back your post. But only if you own up to your part of the bargain. Oh, you mean I give you back the lunch I ate all those hours ago? That's impossible. I wouldn't be so sure about that. Alfie smiled. Albert, do you remember how I got the nickname Alfie Betzoupe? Of course I remember. I was the one who gave it to you. Right. You were the one who gave it to me. On the same day the school cafeteria served, Alphabet Soup. You grabbed me by my ankles, flipped me upside down, and shook me until I literally lost my lunch. There were little pasta letters all over the floor to say nothing of the chicken broth. I was too afraid to push back then. But now... He held up his hands, wiggled his fingers, and cast a mischievous glance at Albert's ankles. Hang on there, Alfie Betzoupe. You're not going to turn me upside down and shake me, are you? I have a very sensitive stomach. I'll lose my lunch. Exactly. Albert's eyes were as wide as two soup bowls. I'll tell you what, how about you keep the post, and you hold on to it as long as you'd like. I'll never ask you about it again. Alfie cocked his head. Will you also stop bullying me? No more pranks. No more stolen lunches. No more Alfie Betzoupe. For the second time in two days, Alfie held his breath, awaiting Albert's response. But instead of grabbing his head and giving him a nougie, or grabbing his underwear and giving him a wedgie, Albert grabbed Alfie's hand and gave it a shake. You've got yourself a deal, Alfie, and a long overdue apology. Friends? Alfie gave Albert's hand a squeeze. Okay, Albert. Friends. And so it was that after years of taunts and tricks, stunts and pranks, Albert was no longer Alfie's bully. Instead, he was his buddy, and the two friends lived happily ever after. No shaving cream, hot pepper, or banana slugs to be found. Now it's your turn. It's time to make Alfie Betzoupe, not the kind you cook, but the kind you craft. First, draw a big bowl on a piece of paper. Next, get three more pieces of paper and write the letters of the alphabet on each one. Make sure the letters are fairly spread out. Ask a grown-up to help you cut out your letters. From there, have fun arranging your letters in your bowls so that they spell out words, phrases, even sentences. When you're done, you can glue them in place or set them aside so you can craft more words later. This week's episode, The Fourth Post, was adapted by me, Rebecca Sheer. It was edited by Dean Russell. Our original music and sound design is by Eric Schemelonis. Eric's featured instrument this week is the Maremba. You can learn more about this percussion instrument with wooden bars and see a photo of Eric playing one on our website, www.bur.org slash circle around. Circle around artist is Sabina Hahn. Sabina has created a black and white coloring page for all of our circle around stories and you could print them out and color them in. Ground ups download our coloring pages at www.bur.org slash circle around. Special thanks to this week's actors, Amy Brantano, Joe Hernandez, Kim and I. Ryan P. Schrein and Jeff Meacham. Jeff played Josh in the ABC comedy Blackish and Principal Bradford in the Nickelodeon series The Thundermans. You can currently see him play Vampire Dad Boris Hauntley in the Disney Junior series Vampirina. Watch the Circle Around with our public media podcasts and even more ways. Join the Circle Around Club and as thanks for your donation, we'll show you with goodies, including a welcome box with special Circle Around swag, an ad free feed, bonus bedtime stories, audio features about our musical instruments and the chance to order a personalized birthday message for me or back a share. Sign up for the Circle Around Club and show your love for public media at www.bur.org slash circle around. Grow Nups, if you have a moment, please leave us a five star rating or review on your favorite podcast app. Your Feedback helps other fans find the show so we can keep circling round with you for years to come. Circle Around is the production of WBUR Boston's NPR. I'm Rebecca Schere. Thanks for circling round with us. Now that you've made it to the end of this Circle Around episode, we want to know what's your favorite Circle Around story? Thousands of fans just like you have been telling us about the Circle Around stories they like best. Take a listen. Maybe one of their favorites is one of yours too. Hi, my name is A Radio. I am from Mexico and my favorite story is the trope of them. I like the bar when the leader serves of students and good trope of actors. My name is Natalie and I'm from Milton Massachusetts and my favorite Circle Around story is the three-legged part. My name is Sasha and I live in Milton Massachusetts and my favorite Circle Around story is the three-legged part. My name is Lisa and I live in New York City. My favorite episode is the Buffalo Shadow because the judge repays the Buffalo's owner with the shadow of the penny. My name is Oyan and I give it to Sasha and they leave the mind. And my favorite Circle Around story is the same thing I'm in. I ate the part when coyote changes into different ammonies. My name is Vivian I live in Chesbilly and my favorite Circle Around story is a wealth honor. I like it because it feels so real. My name is Quinn and I'm from Washington DC and my favorite Circle Around story is the Basel Stair. I'm Amelia and I'm from Proquonic New Jersey and my favorite Circle Around story is the call of the cuckoo. I like the part when Barnaby and Bubbles are kept out here as open for the first cuckoo call of the string. Did someone mention a story you've missed? Not to worry. Grown ups you can find all of our Circle Around stories plus links to the Circle Around Club, picture books, coloring pages and oh so much more on our website WBUR.org slash Circle Around.