EP 56: Empty Glass, Full Life: A Woman’s Awakening

Disclaimer. At Two Addicts in the Moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. We were in Fredericksburg this weekend and someone recognized me. Okay, celebrities. Yeah. And they wanted to take a picture with me and I was like, sure. Absolutely. And he got my number. He was so he works for Hope Recovery. Yeah. Which I guess they house them. They house addicts that are fresh and recovery. He's been sober for 13 months and he was selling like crosses and stuff that they make in their in the place that he works for. So we bought we bought some stuff from him and then he got a picture and I got his number and I told him anytime you come to Austin if you want to tell your story, be happy to have you. That's awesome. So he sent me a message but he didn't realize he sent it to me. He sent it to someone else that he works with and he's like, Hey, I just met Mike stew. Boy. I was like, he said that he realized he sent it to me. He's like, I'm so sorry. Wrong person. I said, it's cool, bro. It's not that. No, that's incredible. I wish someone would do that. It's coming. You get ready. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. That's the goal, man. I think about it all the time. I journal about every night. It would just be so cool. I just got to talk like because I my friends. I won't shut up about recovery. Like I just saw a fucking talk about and they're like, okay, like we get it. Yeah. But like if I could make a living like doing that and just like honestly the connections that I've made with people who I have no idea what they look like like anything about them and they're like, we're each other's biggest allies. Like it's just the coolest thing. It's the coolest relationships. I think you'll ever get. Yeah. It's a I was telling him this not long ago. Like when me and destiny, we were going through a breakup and the people that I still have friends with from from before my addiction and then the people that I've added during a recovery. I have like the strongest group of friends that I've ever had. Yeah. Like just and it doesn't have to be people that I talk to every day, people that I call every day, but anytime I like am going through something, I can reach out and call and people answer and they get it. They understand. It's a it's insane. I always say like the recovery community, especially in Austin, Texas, I'll put against any community out there. Yeah. And I think that will hold our own with anybody. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just so cool to be able to just meet someone and like you already have the the deepest thing you could possibly have in common and common with them. Right. And then that just makes it's like you don't have to put on a front. It's like, yeah, you, you know what it's like, like, yeah, yeah. And so we're good and you and me were cool. And it's like people that you would never otherwise like have met and like related to in your life, but you're just, you just have this instant bond. Yeah. It's just the coolest thing. And I, you know, I still hang out with some people from before and you're exactly right. Like it's hard not to compare and just and also just like sometimes the way that people operate that haven't seen the depths of it. It's just like, I struggle sometimes because I always have the perspective of like, yeah, I almost died. So this isn't really that big of a deal. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and it's like, it's hard sometimes to be around people who don't, you know, they can imagine that, but they can't really feel like what that would feel like. Yeah. And it just feels like kind of a deep breath when you're around people who get it, you know? Yeah. It's like, I can, it's like, I have a daughter. I can imagine what it would be like if she got sick or something happened to her, but I don't know any depths of what that would feel like. Like I could tell myself like that would be terrible, but there would be a thousand times worse than I think it would be. Right. Right. So when, when I meet people that have lost children, I'm always like, that's in my mind, there's an, I fucking have no clue what that would feel like. Yeah. Like I like to think that I would, but that is nothing I ever want to feel. Yeah. You know, and it's the same. Like I've met people that their addiction was way worse than mine. Like I've never been homeless. Yeah. Can't imagine what that would feel like. Right. I couldn't imagine what it would be like sleeping under a bridge and this and that. I like to think that I could do it, but I know the first night that it's 30 fucking degrees, we went, we went camping. I brought destiny camping for the first time ever and for her first time and I didn't check the weather before we went and we went when we went, it was like 75 degrees good weather, but we didn't know this was like a month ago when that cold front came in and it went to 30 overnight and we were sleeping in a tent until about 1230 and we were like, fuck this, we're going to sleep in the car. And we were, I was laying there and she was laying there. We're bundled up and we're just, we're hating it. And I was telling her like, I couldn't imagine the P like when we, we packed her tent up at 530 in the morning and came home and we were driving home and we were talking about it. And I said, you know, I have such a newfound respect for people that there's people that are homeless right now that are sitting in this weather with no tent with no covers and they're must, they're getting through it. And that's not me. Yeah. It's not, that is not what I want to feel. Yeah. Absolutely. It gave me a definitely a different perspective of, wow, they do this every night and I don't know anything about that life. Yeah. Me neither, man. I would not do well. I tried to go camping last summer and same thing, but it was hot. It was just really hot and literally at 12 o'clock, I was like, I'm actually gonna head out. I'm going to go drive home and just stay in my bed. Yeah. Get the AC going and all of that. I went home and I hopped in the shower and I was like, thank you so much God for the shower. That was terrible. Yeah, it was, it was not fun. She was like, this was the worst trip ever. And I was like, I didn't, I just didn't look at the weather in my bed. So imagine that you're not planning. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we just got a really good intro to this, uh, to this podcast. Do I need to shut this off? No. Can you hear it? It's fine. Okay. All right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to two addicts and more on very special guest in the house, Miss Bridget Price, everybody. Thank you for coming. Of course. Thanks for having me. Yeah. No, couldn't. I don't know what we've done to earn you to be here, but it's fucking cool. Thank you so much. So you are, uh, you're wearing a bunch of coats right now. As far as you're, you're working, you're working and, and you're also posting stuff. It's super hilarious. Thank you. Yeah. Really funny. And, um, and you're in recovery. That I am. Yeah. So how long have you been sober? If everything goes to plan next month, I'll have three years. Hey, let's go. Big deal. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of crazy that I feel like the last year was so fast. Yeah. The first year obviously is the longest and then, you know, year two was, you know, it was fair, but this year has just flown by. Yeah. It's just great. I think that's what you want to happen. Yeah. Do you think it's just cause you're settling in to kind of the new way of life? It just feels like, yeah, it just feels like this is my life now. I always, I never really understood when people said, you know, one day you just, you'll just be a person who doesn't drink. You'll just be a person. That's just who you are. And I was like, right, but I'll probably think about it every day. Yeah. Sounds great. Yeah. I was like, that sounds fake. I mean, genuinely, I just didn't believe anyone who said that. And now it's like, it's wild because that is my experience after being a person who always was like drinking was such a huge part of my identity that it's like, you do have to refind out who you are. Mm hmm. And I think years one and two was a lot of that. And then this year has been more like, okay, and how do I want to move forward and, you know, grow from this? I know who I am, but like, what more can I improve on? But yeah, it's, it's wild how they were, turns out they were right all along. Yeah. Yeah. You just stay in the chorus and then it does get a little easier. Yeah. It's amazing what those people in those rooms know. They just fucking know all kinds of crazy shit. Right. I thought I literally when I first went into the rooms, I thought that everyone was either lying. They were like getting drunk beforehand or after. Yeah. Like because I was like, there's no way these people are this happy and like genuinely having fun or they aren't as bad as me, which is crazy because they would tell stories and I would completely align with them. But I was like, but I don't think they're like as depressed as I am. Like, I don't think they really know the darkness like I do. Yeah. Cause if they did, it would be way harder for them. Yeah. It's like, no, it just turns out they like use the tools and like stuck to it. And I had never done that. Yeah. It's wild. Yeah. Yeah, it was funny. I was telling somebody at work today. They were, so they asked like, what was my hardest time? And I said the first year was hard. The first year, especially like trying to get my daughter back. That was hard because I kept failing these drug tests, even though it wasn't using, but I was having to do hair follicle tests and they'd come back bad. And then the next one would come back worse than the first one and be like, so it looked like I was still using and I'm trying to tell my daughter's mom, like I'm really not using. And she's like, I know I would be thinking, sure, motherfucker, but I was telling someone today, like, I don't even think about using it anymore. Like, I know that it's so far away now that it's just not even option. It doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yeah. You know, whereas there were some times, rough times in the first year or two, where I'd be like, man, this would, this was one of those moments that I should, I would normally get high and just let this whole, let it all pass. Yeah. But I don't have those days anymore. Now it's just like, all right, let me pray to God or let me reach out to somebody or let me do what I've learned how to do and just push through it. Yeah. It's weird how the things that like, I should have always known to be true. I now like finally actually do know to be true. Like this past weekend, I'm about to drop some tea. But it's like actually really sad. Yeah. My mom had a stroke and oh, no. Yeah. She's okay and everything's fine, but obviously it was like really scary. And yeah, that was always a thing that, you know, something happening to my parents or my family that was always kind of a reservation that I had where I was like, I don't know what I would do in that situation in sobriety. And so obviously it was like terribly scary and whatever. And there, but there was not one singular moment where I was like, I really want to drink right now. It was more like, what do I do with these feelings? Like, but then like you said, it's like, I now know it doesn't cross my mind because I know first of all that it just wouldn't work. It just wouldn't do what I think it would do. And then my family has this whole other thing to worry about. It's like all of the things that I should have always known. I now know. Yeah. And it's like, okay, now my brain just kind of goes there. Whereas before it was like a real effort to get it there. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, I think, you know, if you don't continue to use those tools that can slip away, I think, and I've experienced that too. I've had a plethora of relapses, but now it is a little bit more second nature than it ever was before. Yeah. That's good. That's a good place to get to. Yeah. That's a safe place to get to. Yes. Yeah. It's weird because you never want to feel like super confident in where you're at because then you'll stop growing. But at the same time, it's nice to trust yourself a little bit more. I think there's a balance there of knowing that at any moment, the old you could just creep up and start saying some shit and you start listening. But at the same time, knowing like, okay, I don't have to be actively afraid of myself every single moment of every day. Right. That's a real relief after years of really just hating and doubting everything that you ever did. Yeah. So how alcohol, DOC for sure? Yeah, big time. Okay. And how did your journey into alcoholism start? When did it start? It's a great question. I mean, I started drinking when I was probably 14 or 15. Yeah. Normal age. I mean, maybe. Yeah, it's bad normal. Yeah. But you know, and from a very early age, I kind of recognized that I was using it maybe a little bit differently than other people because everyone was like having fun and I was like, you know, getting sadder, but then I was like, that's what I wanted to do. It's confusing. I like almost use it to escape my feelings, but then also to like feel them more and not avoid them in a weird way. But anyways, so, you know, I continued on that way for many years and then my last year of college, I was drinking every single day to black out, but it was like by myself and I was just like, okay, when I graduate, I won't do this anymore and I'll have a job and I'll be a real adult and blah, blah, blah, and it will just get better. And then. Yeah, but you're in college too. It's like, that's what I thought. Well, that's an excuse though, right? It's like I'm college. So I, you know, it's all, this is what I'm supposed to be. 100%. I really thought that. And then I get out into the real world and it's not like things just don't like fall into place like you think that they're going to. And so then I was like, okay, well, once this next thing happens, then I will definitely stop drinking this much at that point. Moving the goalpost. Yeah, just continuing to move that every single month, really. Yeah. And then about, so it was January of 2020. I moved up to Tulsa, Oklahoma, which was a journey. Yeah. And it was a bad move. It really was. It was, it was for a man as well, which. Yeah, even worse. Yeah, I was like, couldn't have gone worse. And I got a job there and I was like, okay, like things are really falling into place. All right, this is going to be the time. And so I get this job and I'm like, I'm drinking at lunch. Like mind you, it's like a corporate job. Yeah. But I'm like, it's okay because I'm just bringing myself up to the level that everyone else is like normally, like when, when other people drink, they get drunk. I am like, I become a normal human being is what I thought. Yeah. So I was like, that's fine. And it's no big deal. Once I get settled in, then I won't drink at lunch. And then if you'll recall what happened in March of 2020, everything shut down and I got laid off and got put on unemployment, which was so much more than I was making before, which is crazy. And so I just, just posted up and just started drinking earlier and earlier on in the day. And then for about three months, I was drunk consistently around the clock. Like I would just wake up and drink and pass out and wake up and drink. And my boyfriend at the time was like, Hey, can't, can't do that. That, okay, you're really judging me. Yeah. I was like, you don't get it. Meanwhile, I'm like smoking cigarettes like in the apartment. And he's like, Hey, this is actually 2020. You can't do that anymore. And then he eventually said to me, he was like, I'm gonna, I'm a head out and I'm going to go on a trip. Good luck. Good luck with all of this. And I, you know, it was devastating. How can you do this to me? Yeah. I'm such a wonderful person. Can't you see models laying around me? And my, you know, my family obviously knew that something was going on. My mom drove up from Dallas to Tulsa in the middle of the night and she was like, all right, tomorrow we're driving back to Dallas and you are, you know, we're going to go get you like assessed at like a mental health place. And I was like, right. Okay, cool. So you'll be driving. And she was like, no, you're going to need to drive your car. And I was like, hmm, haven't done that in a while. Yeah. Four hours. I don't think so. And she was like, no, you're going to need your car because basically they were like, you need to get out of the situation for good. And so this is the first time I've been sober for like any amount of hours in three months and I'm just, we're having to pull over every 10 minutes so I can just get violently on the side of the road. Like in full, full blown withdrawal without like really knowing what that was. I was like, oh, this is a terrible hangover. Yeah. Um, and then we went to this mental health place and they were like, um, oh, you're an active withdrawal and like this is really bad and you could die and you need to stay here and detox. Mind you, I had never even, I didn't even know what that was. Yeah. I was like, stay in this place. No, I'm not doing that. Yeah. And they were, and you know, everyone was like, no, you need to. So I was like, okay, let me go home and get some things in order and then I'll come back tomorrow. I need to rearrange some things and rearrange my schedule. I have nothing to do and I have nothing. Literally not working on nothing. Yeah. I got some shit to do. I'm booked and busy. Okay. But I, so I obviously go home and get drunk. Um, and I remember my family looking at me like, whoa, like you're getting drunk after just hearing that, like you could die right now. Um, but I did not believe that for a second. I was like, I'm fine and this is fine. I'm just sad. But I ended up actually going back the next day and did my first detox tent, but it was like a, it was like a psych ward type situations. Really weird, but that kind of started the sober journey of like trying to get sober. And I remember being in that hospital and someone telling me like, okay, what's your plan? Are you going to do AA? Like, and I was like, no, I'm just not going to drink anymore. And I remember them looking at me and being like, okay, that's not actually how it works. And I was like, right, but you don't know me. Yeah. I can do. You're not me immediately. Like I think it maybe lasted a week. Um, and then was back in the same place probably a month later. And then, you know, that was just started the cycle of learning what it meant to be an alcoholic because I just kept being like, wow, I was so sure a week ago that I was never going to drink again. And now I'm drunk and I don't even know what happened. Right. Literally just detoxed and fucking right back to it. Yeah. And now I'm back in this terrible mental institution. Yeah. Like the food is so bad. And then when we let me have three cigarettes a day and they won't let me drink. Yeah. Yeah. But then honestly, and at that point in my appearance, they didn't know what to do with me. Nobody knew what to do with me. I didn't know what to do with me. I was living with them. I tried to go stay with my brother in Colorado because he had dabbled in drug use earlier on in his life. And so he was like, come up here, like stay with me, whatever. And I, I just thought relocating. I thought, you know, all of the things we try before we humble ourselves. Yeah. I was doing all of that. And finally, you know, I, and I end the Colorado trip escaping on a plane question mark and like told them I was literally going to like the store or something and then just hopped on a plane to guess where Tulsa Oklahoma. Tulsa Oklahoma. Sweet. And then like no, like no one in Tulsa wanted to see me. It's like, here I am. They're like, actually could you leave? Like we actually don't want this. Can we pay you to go? Literally. This is Tulsa. We're too good for you. Yeah, which is a humbling place to be, honestly. Yeah. And then that, that journey and like just basically just shit all over my brother's kindness and his fiance at the time. I was just like, fuck you guys. I'm going to go get drunk, which just was so unlike me because my family at, you know, I'm so close to all of them. And that's when I finally agreed to go to like residential because I was like, this is wild. This is crazy. Like this is beyond what I thought it was. I missed his wedding being in treatment that time and then got out of treatment that time relapsed. I think I made it 60 days and moved into like a sober living apartment. But again, I'm trying to call the shots. So I'm like, I'm not going to go to sober living. I'm going to go to a sober living apartment where I can live on my own. Yeah. Of course. Which didn't work, of course. And where did I end up going? Tulsa Oklahoma. Tulsa. That part. I can go. But I took an $800 Uber this time. Holy shit. From Dallas. Been cheaper. Why? Of course. But she wanted to get there right now. Yeah. And that is one of two times that I did that. Whoa. Yeah. So I don't know. I didn't know you could take an Uber that far. Well, honestly, I didn't either. But once like I just tried, I just got in the car and was like, and they're like, this is a mistake. I was like, if you would be willing to take me. I would be willing to pay you to go. And I don't know where I was getting that money, honestly. But anyways, one of the, one of those two times, I ended up back in the same treatment center I was before. And then the third and final time, or no, actually after I got out of treatment that time, that's when I moved back to Austin because I had heard about the recovery scene here. And I love Austin. And so that's when I was like, I'm going to live in Oxford and I'm going to do the whole thing that I was supposed to do. But then a big part of my story too is codependency and how I would just kind of transfer addictions to people. And I got into a relationship that time with another person in recovery. And then when that didn't work out, you know, five months later, I'm back in the cycle again. And then that, you know, kind of led to the four months from January to April when I ended up getting sober this time. I went to detox four times between January and April to the point where they're like, you're not actually like, you can't really be that badly withdrawing in this amount of time. Like they were like, you just don't want it. Like you just can't stop on your own. So you come here to dry out and then you go back and you do it again. Yeah. And there's a lot of people that do that. My nephew, he would do, he would do meth for like two weeks. And then he'd call us and get, think that we're going to be so excited. He's like, Hey man, I just checked myself back into detox. And we're like, okay, well, like this is what you do. Yeah. Like you party for two weeks, you run out of money. You don't have anywhere else to go. Nobody wants to be around you. And it's like, Hey, y'all should be proud of me. I'll fucking checked into detox again. He'd go there for 72 hours. He'd get out and then he'd fucking stay straight for a few days and get high again and then back in detox guys, you know, yeah. That's exactly, that's exactly what I was doing. And the last time my, my sister was about to get married. I was going to be the maid of honor. So I had relapsed after just getting out of detox and, but I was like, okay, this time I can't let my family know that I'm going to detox me or let like that. I need to detox. So I was like, I'm going to detox at home, which was not a great idea. So I, you know, try to get my hands on some benzos and they were not benzos, of course, because this is the world we live in. And I have no like tolerance for anything other than alcohol at this point. Ended up being like, when I finally got to detox because I obviously needed to actually go, um, they like, you know, drug tested me and it only came up for fentanyl. I was like, no, Ben, those are my, oh my God. And I was by myself in my house. Like it's so scary to think about. That's God watching you. Well, I woke up from being passed out for, I don't know how long to the cops at my door because my family had sent them to do a wellness check. And that's when I was like, okay, I probably should go back to real detox. But I was like, okay, guys, basically did the same thing your cousin did. I called my family and was like, guys, back in detox. It's all good. Get out. We'll go to the wedding. We'll party. It'll be great. And they're like, while I was in detox, they basically over the phone interventioned me and they're like, you aren't coming to the wedding. We're not going to allow you to, you know, we don't want you there. Cause, which was so hard to hear, you know, um, but of course, like, it makes perfect sense because I was already thinking in my mind, what am I going to do? Am I going to really be sober at this wedding or am I going to try to secretly not be? Yeah. And they're like, you need to go back to treatment for real. And so that's the last time I went to treatment. And I think just the combination of the amount of times my family doing the intervention and honestly, the last time I relapsed, I told myself, I'm going to pretend like I've never been to AA. I've never been to treatment. I've never done any of this. And because I think the shame is what's making me drink so much. So if I take the shame away, then I'll be able to drink normally and I'll drink for a year and no one will know. And then I'll call everybody on a year and I'll say, guys, I've been drinking for a year and you had no idea. And obviously within 24 hours that is out the window. That's not how it works. And I think that was like, I was so certain that was going to work. And then that in conjunction with like the detoxing at home and everything was just kind of like, it scared me a lot because I was like, oh, shit. I actually don't think I'll be able to do this the way I've been trying to do it. And so I was kind of like at this point where I was like, I'm going to give it 100% my all. And if that doesn't work, I think I'm probably just going to kill myself. Like those were genuinely, that was my thought process and it's, it made sense because I was like, I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to my family. So I was like, I'll give it my all. But if it doesn't work, like that option is always on the table, which is like really fucked up when you think about it. But that made so much sense to me at that point. It's a wild thing. Yeah. It's a wild place to be. Yeah. Yeah. Because you never think like you hear about people doing that and you're like, how could you get to that place? And then you get to that place and you're like, it makes perfect sense. Yeah, it makes so much sense. Yeah. I remember Jay Klein said the last time he went through recovery and AA, like he had never really given it his all. And he said that someone told him like, do this for a year. Do it for a year the way that we tell you to. And if you're not, if your life hasn't changed completely, we'll give you all your misery back. And I think that's such a good thing because when we go in the rooms, it's not like we're fucking, we're in a great place. Right. We're miserable as fuck and we're depressed and we're sad and we're lost. And like, I didn't love myself anymore. I didn't like I had so much resentment towards myself for the things that I did to people and for to my family. And when I always hear when people say, look, we'll gladly give you your misery back if this doesn't work. I think that's such a good phrase because what else are you going to do? Right. I mean, you might as well fucking give it your all and try it and see if it works and everybody and you guys can speak to this now, not then, but now. It's like, if you do that, they know it's going to work. They know that if you give it your all, yeah, they everybody in those rooms, they fucking know you guys know you can tell somebody 30 days in and you know the answer to the test, right? But the answer lies within that person. Right. They have to let go and just let somebody else take the wheel. So making a bold statement like that, like if this doesn't work in one year, if you give it everything for one year, them knowing this is gonna fucking work. Yeah. Like, or go back out to the streets, man. That's a hell of a gamble to sound to sound off, right? But like, man, if you just fucking do it and it don't even take a year is what's crazy. Yeah, it really does it. It really does it. It's wild, but it's also crazy too, because I think like probably the time before that, like when I had five months, I think in that moment in time, I would have told you that I was giving it my all and I was definitely not. Yeah. You know, but I really like you can convince yourself that you are, but it's like I still held on to some things where it was like, but I still need a relationship to feel okay. All right. Then I'm not going to let go of that because that would just be unfair. I remember always saying like, oh, what? So I'm just to give up the thing that I love most in this life drinking and then also be single, terrible. Yeah. And then turns out they were onto something there too. Yeah. But it's wild because truly if you, I phrased it in that moment as like, I'm going to give myself a chance at like, at life, at having a life again. And the only way that I know to do that is through, you know, the steps. And that's like, that's exactly what happened. It was like, I had, I had a chance again where I had not had a chance for a long time. Yeah. So rewind the clock for me. And this, this is a simple question that I'm about to ask, but it's probably going to be pretty complicated. Okay. Why did you drink? Oh man. I think the main reason why I drank is because I never felt, I just never felt like I belonged in, in any room I was ever in. I always felt like there was a darkness to me, that it seemed like other people weren't experiencing. And when I drank for many years, not at the end, but that kind of went away. And I felt like I belonged more and I kind of made me feel like the person that I wanted to be. Now, I'm sure if we all sat together and watched a video tape of that person, I was not being the person I wanted to be, but I thought that I was. I felt like I was being confident and funny and whatever. I'm sure I was being really annoyed in actuality, but it, it for a long time, I think it, it just made all of the thoughts in my head that are just so loud all the time quiet. Silenced them. Yeah. And that was like, it was like my own little world where I could escape from myself. And I think like the most beautiful thing about sobriety is, and recovery is realizing that I don't need to silence myself in my brain. Like there's, there's a world in which my brain becomes a habitable place to be, without having to get super fucked up to live in it. I think that's like what I would boil it down to. Yeah. Yeah. That's, um, it's always hard. I mean, like I still drink on occasion and, um, like I'll find myself like just yelling because I'm thinking about something that I did that I'm like ashamed of or I didn't like. I was like, yeah, you know, just drive with it like say a phrase out loud or something that doesn't make any sense. So what's fucked up is I have a 16 year old kid and I'll do it sometimes when he's in the truck with me and I'm not even, and he goes, what? And I'm like, I just, I stubbed my toe. He's like, while you're driving. I'm like, yeah, you don't do that. Happens all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Just like, you just yell an awful thoughts out of my head. So it's, it's weird how, um, I guess even for me. When you, when you drink alcohol, I was thinking about what you were saying, how comfortable you get feeling a little more open and vulnerable in front of a group of people that you may even like, you know, and it's like, they just can't don't like me, you know, like, it's weird. So long story short, I don't drink, but before this podcast and after this podcast is two completely different drinkers, like I don't do it nearly the same way because now I pay attention to why I grab a drink as opposed to just because it's there and I'm okay to do it. And I know I'm not going to get blackout drunk, but that's no reason to just fucking pick up a drink. Right. So, um, yeah, it's big of you to say, I mean, it's big of you to admit and come to terms with that, how, how long did it take you to figure that out? Like in recovery on the recovery side of things. How long did it take me to figure out that that's why I was? Yeah. Cause I would, isn't that like a big part? Yeah. Is trying to figure out why and get into the, the source if you will. Yeah. I think, I think I always kind of knew that though. Like I think I knew, I feel really bad when I'm sober. And then when I drink, I don't feel that way anymore. And I know why I was feeling bad cause it's all the shit that was going on in my head and like, you know, through years of therapy and, you know, going through treatment and having them be like, Hey, this thing in your childhood, you should probably talk about that. You know, like I think you kind of put the pieces together. But what I think I found that has been through the journey of like the program was that like there's nothing inherently wrong with me. Like there's, there's ways I can live soberly. Like I don't just have to deal with it. Right. Right. I can like thrive in it. Yeah. And that's what I didn't know before. I always thought like, Oh, so you're just taking away the thing that quiets the thoughts and I just have to live with the fucking thoughts. I don't want to do that. Yeah. Sounds terrible. Yeah. No, literally. That sounds horrible. That's why I never wanted to get sober. Um, and, and I think like what I wish people told me more and they probably did and I probably just wasn't listening, but it's like when you first get sober, the reason it is so hard is because they don't go away. I mean, in fact, they're much worse. They're much worse. They're much worse at first. And so you're like, God, it's going to be an eternity of this. Yeah. I can't do that. And people do tell you like it does get better and whatever, but you're like, shut your fucking mouth. Yeah. I don't know what it's like to be in my head right now, but it, unfortunately, it just really does get so much better. Yeah. That's why those rooms are really important. Yeah. And I mean, for him, like I remember when he first got out of treatment and it was like, all right, lunch, I'm going to a meeting, getting off of work. I'm going to a meeting. He was doing that seven days a week. Like, I mean, he was going three a day. Yeah. He was going all the time to meetings and I was proud of him. I was like, that's good. Surround yourself, find a community, do all the things that you need to be doing. But I know how he was struggling. I could still see it and smelling on him. That's why he was going to those rooms all the time. He had to occupy that space and time with other people. And even for me going into a room right now and I've not an active recovery or anything like that, but going in there, even for a guy like myself makes the problems feel small because I'm listening to other people talk about their issues. And I'm like, that's humbling to me. It's a way of like going to a, to a body of water or looking at a mountain. It's like that makes you feel really tiny. If the water wants you, it's going to take you something that mountain wants you. It's going to take you there. You're not that important. So going there and seeing someone like him struggle with what he struggled with and then filling that space and then watching it diminish over time too. Like he didn't have to go as much anymore. You know, that was what I liked seeing. I knew why I was doing it so hard at first. And then it was like, all right, now I'm going to a couple of week and then it was once a week. That's really sweet. How you like observed all of that and like noticed and care. He loves me. Well, I had a, I had a, we were going to do this, right? We were going to do this. I had no doubt, but he wanted to do this when he was on meth. I was like, we're not doing this. We're not doing this when you're on meth, dude. Like, I have so much energy. Yeah. He's like, dude, we're funny. We're, you know, we talk about shitting our pants all the time. It's going to be great. I was like, dude, we can only talk about that for so long. We got to, so then when you got out, he was like, I want to do one about recovery. And I was like, let's give it some time, bro. Like I need a, I need to see, I need to, I need to watch you do shit. First, I need to watch you go through something hard. I need to watch all of these things before I'm just like, all right, let's go do something together. So, uh, were you doing that early? Like on and where you just in rooms all the time or, I mean, how were you occupying the noise in your head? Yeah, for sure. Definitely for a while. I wasn't going through a day. Yeah. Mad props for that. Yeah. But I was absolutely leaning on that because when I got out of treatment strangely enough, I did not get a get well job. I went right back into my career for the first time in a few years, um, which honestly was good for me at that point to like have something to work towards and like to do what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Um, but going to a new job where people don't know you was really stressful. And like the first lunch where everyone goes out and they get a drink, I was like, Oh God, so terrible. Um, so really leaning on those people in that time was, was really important. Um, because you're right. It's like sharing and hearing other people share about their experience. It just takes the burden away. Like it just feels way more manageable when you, someone else is looking you in the eyes and like believing in you and hearing you and like understanding you and caring. That's what like my biggest advice to, to anyone trying to get sober is like, I mean, of course, this is not revolutionary. Everyone says this, but it's just talking to another alcoholic. Like it's just insane how you, you think you're going to be met with judgment when you've never done that before. But to see the look of like, yeah, been there, done that in someone's eyes is after years of like holding that in and feeling so much shame over it. The weight that that takes off of you is like, it's just, you can't even explain how wonderful that feels to not be judged by a group of people. That's why I love y'all bitches so much. It's huge. Yeah. Big deal. It's, um, I've never, I've never shared to where someone said, I heard someone say, Oh my God. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Because somebody in there's done it or even a thousand times worse. Right. And I've never talked to one of my sponsors where they just dropped their pen and was like, what the fuck did you do? It's like, yeah, I've done that. Let me tell you about my shit. Right. And it's something that it's the shame, right? It's the, um, and that, that shame, like those voices in your head too. That's what always kept me going back. Like I could get sober for two weeks, but once that depression part started kicking in and I started like fucking feeling sad and start crying about absolutely nothing. That's when my, in my mind, it was always, I know how to make this go away and I'm going to make it go away because I can't, I can't deal with being depressed. I can't like I've, I used to always said, I don't know how someone could kill themselves, but whenever I would get sober for a week or two, the feelings that I would have for those week or two, for that week or two, I, I would never agree with someone killing themselves, but I can see how someone could say, fuck this if they really feel like that every day of their life. It's a terrible fucking feeling. And I'm sure alcohol, you know, there, every withdrawal is different. I've always heard alcohol is the worst one. Like that. I've always heard that's the one that like you could die from. Benzos too. Yeah. Yeah. They're apparently very similar. But it's, I, I was trying to explain to a normie recently what alcohol withdrawal is like and I, it's almost like you can't find the words because we use the word anxiety so much nowadays, which like, cause everyone probably has it for a really good reason, but I, the feeling of anxiety in that is like, it's like just something I've never, I couldn't even put into words. Like plus your body's involved in that feeling too. So like you're shaking and you just think like the world is about to end and you're sweating and like sleep isn't real. That's not real. You can do it's just, I remember that, I mean, like just sleep it off. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm going to try to find forensic files on this detox TV and look at someone who has it worse than me right now because fuck, this is terrible. Yeah. Like God, and then you just can't eat anything. Like the hours between you getting to detox and when they will give you the first ad event or whatever, the most hellish experience of all time, like genuinely because you, you know, when you scream, when you remember something you said, yeah, it's like that times. Hmm. 3000 maybe like that because I have that too, where to this day, I'll like get the douche chills from something I remember I did when I was drinking like, I was like, oh my God. Yeah. So I do that sober. Like I do that completely sober. I do it all the time. I would say if someone was like writing with me and I didn't know, they would think I was fucking crazy. My son does. I was like, oh, I was singing this song. He's like, you said something completely different. He's 16. He's like, you're not singing that fucking song. You just don't know. Yeah. You, yeah. You said something different than what the song is. I'm like, fuck you, dude. Like, you know, like, yeah, go fuck yourself. All right. I'm ashamed. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I don't know what I am right now. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking wild. It's like, it's like a highlight reel of like all the worst things that you've ever done or thought or said, all in one moment in time. And like, that's the fear that you feel. And it's like, it's never going to get better. There's no part of you that can accept the reality that it will ever get better. It's just like, this is going to be it forever. And I'm going to fucking hate my life and that's just what's going to be. And that's why it feels so insurmountable to ever get sober. Right. Because it's like, I can't be coherent for the existence I have created for myself. Yeah. It is way too shameful. Like to ever sober up and come to the surface enough to look back at the wreckage I've caused. That's just simply unbearable. Yeah. And I always say this, but alcoholics to me have it not trying to compare, but I feel like it's worse being in recovery as an alcoholic because fucking everywhere. Like you're going to. You're not going to be judged for buying. You're not going to be judged at all. Like nobody knows what you're going through. If you go to the convenience store right now and pick up a four loco, there's going to be like, all right, here you go. Like, yeah. If I go buy some math, people are going to judge. Yeah. But you can just walk in and fucking nobody's going to say nothing. Nobody's going to think nothing. Right. I and I think about that all the time. It's like, I feel like it's against the law, but it's really not against the law to just walk into a liquor store. But I think like, and one of the reasons that I created my TikTok was because I also didn't believe that like a somewhat younger female could be an alcoholic because that's just like not what's represented in like media. And when you think of like an AA meeting, the only ones that you've ever seen on movies is like, you know, a super old dude who's like, I have 30 years of surprise. Yeah. Yeah. That's not me. And there's, you know, like to this day, I'll get comments on TikTok. It's like, you're too young. You know, this isn't a real thing. Like, and I'm like, bro, trust and believe. Yeah. I don't want like, I didn't choose this. Like I'm not telling you the $800 Uber story for fun. Like I'm telling you because it helps me stay sober and maybe someone will resonate with it. And that's like, I, I wanted to help maybe provide some more like exposure to like, Hey, this can literally doesn't matter what age you are, if you're a girl, if you're a guy, whatever, like it doesn't matter at fucking all this can be anyone. It is not prejudice at all. No. Does not give a fuck. Yeah. And I, and for me, like I think, you know, it says in the book that sometimes for women, it happens faster. And maybe that was like the process expedites quicker and that maybe in conjunction with the old COVID situation. I don't know. Maybe made that happen quicker, but I, and I used to be so pissed about it because I was like, I thought I was going to be 40 years old. I was going to be a soccer mom at a game and I have wine in my Yeti and someone calls me out. And that's what I have to get. So like literally I had that vision of that's what's going to happen. And then, you know, I got sober at 25. There's something. Yeah. There's a lot more going on in a girl's head than a dude's too. Right. There's a lot more. You said it on me. There's a lot more quiet down. Look, our brains are bigger. That's science. Don't blame me for that. I think the same thing, but there's just as far as like what's going on up there though. Yeah. Is you women just have a lot more happening. I mean, in my head right now, there's just a fucking caveman with a pickaxe building a wheel. Tink. Well, there's a lot more that can happen to a woman too. Yeah. There's a lot more anxiety. Like there's a lot more like bad things that can happen to women than for men, I think, like, you know, and I think that, you know, a lot of women that I've met through recovery, they've been through some shit and like childhood stuff, terrible relationships. Some have been raped, you know, like just not good shit. And I always think I feel the same way. I think women go through addiction. They go through worse than what men do in my opinion. Well, I've never been a man, so I can't really speak to that experience, but I feel like all I can say is like what I went through and the thoughts, you're right, they literally never saw. Yeah. They're always going. Yeah. They just, but and I used to think like this sucks so bad that I had to get sober this young. What am I going to do when I get married? I'm not going to have a champagne in my wedding. Yeah. I was like a really big deal for me for a long time. I'm going to toast, dammit. Yeah. I but then it's like Bridget, you would get blackout drunk at your wedding and you'd go over yourself at your own wedding. Yeah. But now I feel really grateful to have gotten sober at a relatively young age because I feel like I get to live two different lives like I have before and I have now and that that person is existing in such a different way because it was fucking miserable before like even before I started drinking out the womb, I was just panicked. Like I knew something bad was going to happen at all times. Yeah. And now I get to experience like a large chunk of my life not being shackled by those thoughts as much. Not having hangovers. We're shackled by a thing. You know, like shackled by the thing that you were doing to quiet down the thoughts now you just have to fucking go to work a little bit more. Yeah. You know, but having the tools to do it. Yeah. Is pretty fucking awesome. You know, because the bad shit doesn't stop happening. It does not. It just, yeah, just keeps fucking going. You know, like the longer we go, the more bad shit we're just going to pick up. Yeah. You know, but you figure out how to deal with it. Yeah. Right. And you, you especially in sobriety when, when I go through like little moments, right, I call them cookie jar memories. So I can go back and remember, well, at three months, I went through this and then I thought at the time it was fucking terrible. Like I'm not going to be able to make it through this and at six months, I couldn't see my daughter still. That was terrible, but I was able to get through it. So I call them cookie jar memories so I can go back and remember them and pull from that little cookie jar and remember that feeling of how bad it was and how I didn't think there was no way I'm going to get through this. And now I'm almost three, three years and three months sober and I was able to get through it. And now when those other things come up, cause there are going to be some bad things that come up, but I feel like I've already went through the hardest part, which was getting sober. Yeah. So all the other things, even if they're difficult, they're doable. Yes. Right. And we can get through them. Yeah. Like, and now we have the tools to silence the mind as much as we can because my father's always talking shit to me. He's always yipping, but now I can actually get through it and I can remember. Well, I went through this at one year and I was able to get through it. And I didn't think like I was ever going to get past that. Yeah. You know, that's such a good way to put it. I like the cookie jar. I think I might steal that because that is, it's so real and your, you start to kind of build up like I have my bad memories that I pull from where I'm like, okay, remember the time you did this? What was that about? Yeah. And then it's like, remember the time you got through that? Yeah. You can get through this too. That seemed impossible at the time and you did it. But honestly, like what is probably the most helpful for me now is like when I go through something hard, it's the classic like play the tape through. It's like, do I, I have a choice right now. Do I want to make this already really hard situation a million times harder? Or do I want to not do that? Like that is, if you dumb it down, like that's what the decision is. And it's like, of course not. But you know, so in early sobriety, the thought of potential relief is louder than the thought of like, this is going to be worse. Yeah. And I think over time you just start to learn a little bit more like it wouldn't work. Like it actually just won't work. It's not going to. It didn't. It didn't for like, it did day one, year one, year two. Yeah. But like, then it never did again. And it's, that's the crazy thing about our minds is like, how many times we had to learn that this isn't working anymore? I mean, it's, you know, chasing the dragon of like, fuck. But, but I did have that experience where it works. So what can I do? What avenues can I take to get back to that? To get back there? And it just is gone for a bit, unfortunately. Yeah. I had a really good sponsor that he used to always say, play the tape, right? Because for the first 15 minutes, it's going to feel great. If you go get high, you know, fuck this. This is what I needed. And then after that, it's going to be fucking terrible. Because now you relapsed. Now you started over. Now you got to go tell people. And I'm like, I don't, I never worried about a relapse, but I care what you think if I relapse. Of course. Yeah. If I relapse, I relapse, but me having to tell people and then knowing that you might judge me or you're going to think, oh, yeah, that's terrible. I don't want to feel that. Fuck that. I'll keep my relapse to myself if that's the case. But that's something that, that like, I'm never worried about a relapse, but I do care what Bridget would think if I did relapse. Yeah. Right? Yes. And I don't want to have that thought or that feeling, so I'm just not going to relapse. Because I don't want to feel that fucking shit. That's a terrible feeling. I saw this meme on like a, it was like a sober meme account and it was like, I can't relapse. I'm a sober micro celebrity on the internet. And it was like, sometimes I do be feeling that way. I'm like, I can't tell these people. I can't, because really the judgment and no one fucking recovery ever judges you for relapsing. Yeah, they don't. Which is crazy. But I just convinced myself that you will. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because I, because I know like you're not going to say, you're going to put me in. Yeah, well, what are you going to think it? Yeah. Yeah, you're going to think. You're going to think. Well, that's, I think it's awesome. You started your TikTok and did that too. Because the amount of people that you can reach, especially being a woman and being a woman that's very funny, very pretty, has your shit together. And you can reach so many, especially young, because we need people out there that are young that are sober, because like 25 and sober, I don't want to fucking be 25 and sober. That sounds terrible. Or 21. I'm just now starting to be able to drink legally, right? But for people that can do it, other people need to see that someone like you can do it. And that someone like you can thrive in it, not just do it, but you can thrive in it because that's what other people need to see. You know, that's such a big deal. Your TikTok's going to blow up. Thank you. You know? That's like when I first started doing like H&Is and stuff, my thing was like, I wanted to somehow be able to convince everyone how much I was sitting in your seat. Like, because I know you're sitting there in rehab and these people come and they tell you about how great everything is now. And you're like, okay. Fuck you. Yeah. And I remember like I went back to the treatment center that I went to to do H&Is for a while. And I just was like, guys, I really want you to fucking understand that I was sitting right there and I was listening to these same people that I'm with right now. And I was like, you're full of shit. I don't care. Like fuck you. Yeah. But then I fucking did what they said and it literally works. Like, and that's how like I'm just like, no, because I fucking know what it feels like to just be like, this isn't going to work for me. I'm so happy for you guys. That's great. But it's not going to work for me. And now it's like, that's, I was so confident that I was the exception that I like want to make it my life's work to convince as many people as I can who are sitting in the place where they feel like they're the exception that like this can work for you too. If you wanted to. Yeah. That's like, like it's so hard to do that because I know you're sitting there feeling like, okay. It's the most important part though. Like you've got to want to. Yeah. And if you don't, it won't work. But if you do, it's going to work. I mean, and I like what you said because it wasn't working anymore anyways. Right. Yeah. Like I remember the first few times I did meth. Like it was amazing. It fucking like this is where I need to be forever. Yeah. And then I did it for so long that I wasn't doing it recreationally more. Now I'm just doing it just to make it through the day. And now it's not doing what it used to. And now my life's falling apart. I'm losing everything. But now I've in it for so long that this is just what I know. Yeah. Right. Like just drinking, waking up and drinking. It's what I know. Right. For me, it was waking up and doing meth. This is just what I do. And it wasn't working anymore, but it was just all that I knew. Yeah. And I had already lost so much in so many people that I was like, well, now I'm 40 years old. This is just what my life is. Right. And you start to get used to it. It's just what it is. Right. And you start to settle for this is just what this is just what the hand that God gave me. Right. And I've said this on this podcast before. I had a buddy that I used to use with and he had been to prison and he had been, you know, he was still using. And I remember one day he was saying he was like 48 and he was like, man, I hope I believe in reincarnation and I hope so because my life's already done. I hope I can come back and have a better one. And I was thinking like you're 48. You might live 52 more years. That's terrible. But then I looked at myself and I was like, I kind of feel the same fucking way. Right. I'm doing the same shit. So that's when I started like wanting to change something. I just didn't know how and I didn't know if it was possible. Yeah. That was the scary part when it didn't work anymore. And when I knew I needed to change something, but I didn't know if I could. That was the terrible part. That was the scary part. Yeah. And you know, honestly, I'm going to say something controversial, but I don't. I think for sure you have a way better shot if you want to get sober. I think that's absolutely true. For sure. I also think it's possible to get sober if you don't want to. Because I think over time you can start to see, you can start to want to once you've already got it. Yeah. And like, I didn't know that a world existed where I was sober and like things were better. Because all I knew was getting sober and shit still being miserable. And so the last time I was like, I guess I have to just do it so that maybe I'll survive. But then if not, I guess I'll just not. But then when things started to like, when I started to see like, oh, my life is improving. I don't need this thing. Last one I started to really want to be sober. I almost felt like I just had to be not for anyone else. Like, because I think that is true. I think you probably can't get sober for anyone else sustainably. I think there has to be a large part of you that wants it for yourself. But I needed it for myself and then I wanted it for myself. Right. You know? And I think I'd be lying if I said like day one, I was like, I want to be sober for the rest of my life. Because I was like, I just can't see a world where I do either. I thought it was going to be miserable. This is going to be terrible. Yeah. That's what I thought. Like, I remember I went, I made it 13 days. They were at work with me. I was on my 13th day sober and I already cried like 15 times by lunch. Like I was miserable. And one of our other buddies was like, I'm putting you in rehab tomorrow. I'm like, I don't know what fucking you're going to rehab. You're outside of your mind. I can do this on my own. He said, you're going to be smoking meth tonight. The way that he said, I know because I used to be a addict. You're not going to make it another night. And I was like, well, I can't afford to go to rehab. So he's like, I'll pay for it for you. I'll pay for it. He said, I know a place. He called a place. He got me a partial scholarship. He paid $4,500 for the other part. And he sold stock to do it. And I was like, well, now I'm kind of fucking the hell out. I have to go. And I'm like, well, the company's not going to let me go. And he's like, well, let's go call our lawyer right now. So we went in the office and called. And she's like, I'm so glad that you're finally going. We've been waiting 10 years for you to go. And I was like, well, fuck. And I was like, well, how am I going to pay my bills? They all put money together to pay my rent. No. And I'm like, fuck now. Well, now I got to tell my daughter's mom. This is going to be the hardest part. Because she does not know that I've been using. Easiest part. It was the easiest part. It literally got easier and easier. One of the girls at work, Kim Johns, she's like, if my kids' dad would have ever called and said, hey, I've been using and I'm going to go get myself help, I would have been so happy for him and my kids. Your ex-wife's going to feel the same way. And I called her and it was probably the best conversation we've ever had. I cried. She cried. She's like, just go get help. I'll take care of our daughter. You go get help. Well, I said, what are we going to say? Well, you're going to say you have COVID and you can't see her for a month. So I was like, fuck now I have to go. And then I stayed with my buddy that night so I didn't go use. And he brought me there the next day. And I was in the first meeting we went to is at Westlake. And I remember I sat down next to this girl. And I won't say her name because I obviously didn't ask her if I could. But she was getting her one-year chip and she was so. I remember walking in the room. I was like, these motherfuckers are on drugs because they're so happy and so excited. And they're talking and they're high fiving, they're hugging each other. And I don't want to talk to any of you motherfuckers. And I sat in the front. I made a commitment. I was going to sit in the front row at every meeting. So I sat in the front row and this girl, she's like so bubbly, so nice to this day. She's still one of the nicest people I'm around. And she's like, I'm getting my one-year chip today. How long have you been sober? I'm like, this is my 14th fucking day. And she's like, man, it's about to get amazing. Your life's about to get amazing. God's going to. And I was like, I don't want to talk about God. I don't want to talk about nothing shit. You're lying to me. I want to slap her. This is what I want to slap the shit out of her. Because you're in a cult right now. And every time I see her now, I always give her a hug and say, thank you, you're so right. You're so right. And that's the, but that's what we all go in the rooms I feel like is this is fucking not going to work. This is going to be measurable. But I didn't remember how measurable I was before I came in here anyways. And that was, been January 2000, what is it, 2022? I've been sober since January 1st, 2022. Something like that. New year's day? Yeah. My daughter's mom sent me a text message that morning. I had spent, I still spend New Year's with their family. And she's, she knew that I was on something. And she sent me a message that morning. And she's like, hey, I need you to go get tested. And I was like, yeah, I think I have COVID. She's like, I'm not talking about that. She said, I'm pretty sure you're using it. And that whole day I sat there and I was like, all right, I have fake drug tests for the court, a fake drug test for her. How am I going to do this again? Right? Because she caught me the last time. So now it's going to be real hard to fake it. And that whole day my mind was like, just keep using your fine, you'll figure it out. And I was like, no, I'm tired of trying to figure it out. And I'm tired of faking it. I'm going to try to do it. And that was the day that I stopped. And I've been sober ever since. Damn. Sober ever since. The fact that I just love the idea of your whole community around you just really rallied for you. That's so badass. Sorry, son of bitches. We were just waiting. The worst introver. We were just waiting. We were not them literally helping you in every single way. Yeah, we were just waiting around. I was like, I'm not going to be able to pay rent. And they're like, we have it. We got it covered. Yeah, it was terrible. It was terrible. I was dare to make myself. No, I'm dare, y'all try to help me. And to this day, every time I always, I don't forget it. No, they literally saved my life. They literally saved my life. And they gave me a life where I can be a dad for my daughter. And I can be a better person for everybody around me. I disagree, man. I think you did all that. You just, you had to make the jump. You know, like at the end of the day, that's what it is. You had to make a jump. He had to make a jump. But he has to make a jump into that. So you need to give yourself a little more credit for that. And if you have issues with that from time to time, you need to give yourself a little more credit too. It is strange because I think after a while, it feels weird to take any credit at all because of how many people and things and situations and like divine intervention you saw. All the pieces have to come together. Yeah, they really do. And it's like, yes, it's true that at the end of the day, you have to put one foot in front of the other. But like, that's why the sobriety to spirituality pipeline is so direct is because like you start seeing things happen that you weren't noticing before, where it's like, oh, I only could put that foot in front of the other because of this, this and this that happened. And these people. It's a puzzle. It's like, it's a, I think about it in the way of a puzzle that you put together and then you rip it apart. And the next time that puzzle gets easier because you remember it. Same shit. You've just broken down the puzzle and put it together so many times. But you had to fucking do it. Like that's the thing is like you had, you had to put that puzzle together. Yeah. And it took you a long time of breaking it down and putting it back together and fucking it up and losing a piece and searching under the fucking, you know, table for that piece. Whatever the case is. Yeah. Like I think it's all on you guys. I mean, you can have people around you that support you and that love you. Help you get to those places. But it doesn't happen. If you don't do it, if you don't walk it. So that's why I say that. Yeah, we put a little money in to help them get there. You had people that supported you to get you to where you had to be. But you had to do it. Yeah. You were the one. If you weren't all in. It wouldn't have worked. I mean, it wouldn't have worked. So it is true. And I think that that's like empowering to hear because it's like regardless of the resources that like you might have or not have in the people that have cut you off or not cut you off. It's like at the end of the day, you can do it regardless. Like it's wonderful when you have that support, but it's not. You don't have to have. You don't have to have it. Yeah. Do you remember like I have two things that people said to me when I was first getting sober this time that like literally I just latched on to so fucking tightly. And I still think about to this day that like is like you've heard the same thing over and over, but somehow the way that they said it just like changed something in your mind and made you like made something click for you. Do you have things like that? I have. So my favorite quote that I heard was a forgiveness is given up the hope that the past could have been any different. That because for so long, I lived in the should of Coda would us, right? And I I literally beat my like I think my biggest amends was to myself. And that might sound selfish, but I literally had so much hate towards myself for the things that I did and the people that are hurt and the things that I fucked up. And for so long, I was like, you know, at 25, I had a house and three cars and a great job. And then I literally had a phenomenal wife and I lost all of that. And now I'm 35, divorced, losing my house, losing my cars, lost my job four different times. They just always brought me back because they love me. And now I'm in my forties and I'm I literally lived in the should of Coda. What is for so long? And when I heard that quote in rehab, I was like, it just made so much sense to me because who's to say that even if I did everything right, that God didn't have it planned out for me to go through this path and through this journey so I could get to the other end and I can tell people that maybe that's what his plan was all along, that I had to go through what I did to be able to get to where I'm going. Yeah. So forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. That is my favorite quote that I've ever heard. How about yours? Well, this isn't necessarily a quote. I've got favorite quotes for days, but this one is. But your latch thing. My thing that I really fucking lashed on to was I in treatment the last time my counselor there, who's she's just wonderful. And she had also gotten sober at 25 and she was like this counselor, like everybody just loved her. Like it's rare that in a treatment center, everyone loves one of the counselors. Yeah, well, yeah, there. This girl is just like the bubbliest person to this day. It's like you said, anytime I see her, I'm just like, you have no idea what you did for me. But she was my counselor and I just remember asking her like, how is it going to be different this time? Every time I think it's going to be different and it's not. And I don't know, like I feel hopeful, but at the same time, I feel not hopeful at all because I've been so, I've been so confident before that it was going to be different than it wasn't. Right. And she was like, I don't even remember exactly how she said it, but basically she was like, you just decide that this is the time where you never do it again. She was like, you just make a decision every time it gets hard and you think about drinking or whatever. Like you just remember, oh no, I can't because this is the time where I'm never going to do that again. Yeah. And I just do whatever it takes to remember that this is, this is the time. And so anytime it got hard, I was like, oh, fuck, but this is the time where I'm not going to do it again. And it's like, that's so simple, but something about the way she said it to me was so matter of fact, it was like, you just decide you're not doing it again. And of course, like, you know, it's, it's much more complicated than that, but really it wasn't because that's at the end of the day. That was what I always said to myself. And when, when they did the, my family did the intervention, you know, as my sister's wedding that I was going to miss. And I just was like crying on the phone to her. And I was like, I'm supposed to be in the mate of honor. I can't miss your wedding. I don't know, whatever. And she was like, Bridget, like it's one day of my life. She was like, you need to do this for yourself so that you have a life so that one day you can meet my kids and you can be their aunt and you can hang out with them and be trusted with them. And like, she was like, this is one day. And for her to say that about her, her wedding, like literally you dream about your whole life and for her to be like, this is so much bigger than that. It made me realize like, what was at stake? Because I was thinking like, I got to be there for your day. And she's like, you're going to die if you continue on in this way. And I want you to be there for when I have kids and, you know, all of, all of the days when they get married. Yeah. And like that, just to me, I was like, holy shit. Like that was so selfless of her to think in that way and to not be so mad that I was going to not be there and they were going to have to rearrange things. She was like, no, it's one day of my life. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing with him and his ex-wife, you know, the mother of his child. Him thinking it was going to be hard. You thinking that's going to be hard. I mean, different things, but kind of the same. Pretty hard things to miss out on, right? But how to be done. So. What's it like for people to drink around you now? Honestly, my boyfriend is an or me. My a lot. I have a lot of my same friends. Yeah. He's one of them more. I like them. I like them already. Good guy. But it's it's interesting because. You know, probably for six months, maybe maybe a year, there was, I was still aware of where every bottle of alcohol in the room was. Like I knew where it was. It wasn't going to do anything. I just immediately knew where. Yeah. But now I it's just become, I just don't think about it. And most of the time I actually like being around drunk people because it reminds me. What it looks like in actuality. And it because it doesn't tempt me anymore. I can see it for what it truly is. And I'm like, wow, what's what's wild to me is I'm, you know, if we're in a bar or something, we're all sitting here having the exact same experience. And I used to be miserable right now because I can't drink. I can't drink. But it's like, we're all literally experiencing the same moment in time. The only difference is I'm experiencing it 100% like clearheaded. Yeah. That's the only difference. Yeah. And it would that that difference was so big to me for so long. But now I just see it as I don't say anything stupid. I can drive myself home. I will not feel like shit tomorrow. Like I, I almost love being around drunk people. Yeah. Like it makes me feel like. That's why I don't do that. Yeah. Which I, that's not the reason I quit. Yeah. Yeah. But I bring that up a lot to people who I have some people close to me my life who are like, well, yeah, I drink every day, but it's nothing like yours was. Yeah. Right. But that's not necessarily saying like it's good. What a badge of honor. Mine isn't like the benchmark for what alcoholism looks like. Right. That's just what mine looked like. Yeah. All right. And so I'm like, just, I'm just saying like you can drink any amount and be able to acknowledge the benefits to potentially not drinking. Yeah, for sure. Like anyone can make that decision, you know, if you want it to. Right. You don't have to reach the point that I reach. And I hope that you don't. I really hope no one ever has to experience that. But, you know, I think that's, that's where I'm at now. Now granted, I'm going on my first like big vacation next month in sobriety. Just haven't, you know, haven't ever done that in the last three years. And it's like an all inclusive. And so I'm like, I'm really like doing some prep work for that. Yeah. Because that was initially it was like my wedding. And if I go on a vacation, yeah, those are going to be hard. And so I think I, I imagine it will be the same experience where I'm like, thank God I get to remember this whole thing and really be in it. But I am still doing some preparation. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. We went on a cruise for my brother's 50th birthday. I think I was a year sober, maybe a year and a half. I'm a rounder. And I think Destiny, she was about six months over. And we were the only two on the entire cruise that didn't drink. And we, I know we had more fun than anybody else. I have no doubt about it. And like Destiny, she'll drink from time to time now. She doesn't do drugs. She was always a drug addict. And I was always a drug addict. I was never an alcoholic. Alcohol has never brought me other places. So like for my brother's wedding, I'll do a toast with him because I'm his best man, but I'm not going to get, I don't, I don't, I have no intentions of having a hangover or throwing up. That just doesn't sound fun to me. But I'll tell you, we went to Fredericksburg this last weekend. And when we went into a karaoke bar, I was thinking, I got up and did karaoke before when I was sober and it was the most nervous I've ever been in my life. I mean, I literally was, I had to hold the microphone with two hands because I was shaking so much. And for a split second, I was thinking, I know if I took a shot, it would probably like calm my nerves, but I didn't. And I got up there and did karaoke twice and I killed it. Yeah. And I killed it. And Destiny got up and did karaoke. Now she drank a little bit, but she did, she sings phenomenal. And she killed it. And then after that, like every girl in the place wanted her to do songs with them because like, come do it with us. So it doesn't sound so bad type of shit. And, uh, but it was a good time. And it was like, you know, I don't have to go out and get shitty to feel better in a comfort zone, right? Yeah. And that's always like when we went to the first little club as desk, I said, you want to dance? And she's like, I've never been somewhere where someone's dance with me. Right. Cause she's so young. And I was like, well, let's go dance. And in my mind, of course, everyone's going to be staring at us. They're going to be looking at you. I'm not, I'm white. I'm not a great dancer. Right. And, um, but we didn't give a shit. We just went out there and had fun because we're not going to see these motherfuckers ever again. And that's what I always told myself is I'm never going to see these people again. Anyways. Yeah. Right. That's how I always silence that person that says, man, if you was on something, this would be a thousand times better. Yeah. But that's how I always silence it for me is I'm not going to see these people ever again. Anyways. Yeah. Unless they recognize me and then I surely don't want to be high. Don't you have a sober podcast and you're high as fuck right now? Yeah. That's not going to go over well. Yeah. You know, that's true. Yeah. So about your boyfriend, Normie, Normie, and what was his feelings about drinking in front of you after learning your story? That is a great question. Well, we've got an app. Um, and so I put that I was sober on him, but I think I said, I was trying to be like, cute about it. Yeah. I was like, I'm sober, but I'm more fun than I've ever been, which is true. Not in like a weird way, but just like in a chill way. Not like weird. But so he, you know, like when we went on our first date or whatever, he asked me and I really am just so I'm not interested in being like in hiding any part of it. I'm just like, listen, I'm an alcoholic. Like that's just what it is. I think that's the best way to be. It is because it's not. I don't feel ashamed of it. There's no shame. And if anything at this point, it's like, it's just better that you and I know. So if you're not, if you're weird about it, I'm just going to weed you out at this point. Yeah. Yeah. And he was really like, you know, he was really, really understanding and just like, oh, that's really cool. You know, I've always been met with people being like, oh, that's really cool. I've never met someone in real life who's been like, fucking loser. Which was what I thought. I thought everyone, because I thought that way about people who didn't drink. When I drank, I was like, what a fucking nerd. I thought if you didn't do math, I was like, fucking weirdo. Yeah. And but now it turns out people who aren't alcoholics don't think that way. Yeah. There's like, I was asking because I have my own shit about that. Like now that I'm in the community, like kind of as an ally or whatever. So Sean Livingston does I am redemption has his own podcast. He's sober and we went to eat dinner. Me and my girlfriend, him and his wife. And we all sit down and before we walk in, she's like, can I order like a drink? And I'm like, let's not, you know, like I, I don't know what the situation is here. I'm kind of making this weird, this awkward interaction between me and my girlfriend. Cause I'm making it weird. Right. I'm told it's me. I'm told, I'm like, no, we're not going to fucking do anything like that. We're going to get Diet Cokes and stuff. Like, yeah, I would never do that in front of this guy. Like, yeah. And she orders tea. I get a Diet Coke and his wife goes, I have a beer. And I was like, God, like we both just look up. We're like, son of a bitch. Like, or like, man, yeah, but it's, you know, that, that was a big moment for me. Like this man's married to that lady and he's perfectly okay with whatever she wants to do. I mean, she didn't hammer back 19 beers or whatever. She had a beer. Yeah. I think like I've always vacillated between like, I think I feel weirder when people don't do something because I'm around. Yeah. I think I feel weirder about that because I'm just like, it obviously either way, whatever the other person's comfortable with. I'm like, I just don't want you to have to do anything different because of my presence. Well, the book says something like we shouldn't have to run away from places. Yeah. Right. We shouldn't have to not show up at a wedding because people are drinking. We shouldn't have to not show up here because you should get to a point to where I can be around it. That's, that's how I feel. And yeah. Now I'm not going to go sit around people smoking meth. Right. That's a little different. Yes. But they're not doing that out in the public. Yeah. So I don't have to worry about that. That's easy to dodge. It's not so easy for alcoholics to dodge. And unfortunately I love a dive bar. I like playing pool. I like playing darts. Like I just like the vibe of those places. I feel at home there. And at someone on my TikTok the other day said, you know, the classic, if you hang out at the barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut. I was like, I was like, OK, or maybe it's that I've gotten to the place where I always hoped I would be where it says like I'm not resisting anything. I'm not actively avoiding anything. I can just exist in perfect peace and harmony as a person in recovery. Like, and that was always the goal. Yeah. I didn't think I was going to get to that goal, but like, here we are. Yeah. That's a person on TikTok. That's a great place to be. Go fuck yourself. Maybe I'm giving the haircut, motherfucker. Like, you know, I am the barber. Yeah. Maybe I'm the barber. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm not getting a haircut. Yeah. Have you seen my hair? I haven't cut it in years. Damn it. Yeah. I think I also struggled because I didn't know if I, if I needed to date someone in recovery or if I needed, like I just didn't know. Yeah. Because I stayed single, you know, after dating the person in rehab. After that, when South, I was like, yeah, they're, they're right. I should probably stay single for a while. And I stayed single for two years, which was the longest I had ever done in my adult life, even since I was probably 14. And then I was like, I had built such peace in my life. And I was like, I know how to be single. I know how to be sober. And then I got into a relationship. And then I was like, Oh fuck, when someone holds a mirror up to me, it's harder than if I'm just living alone. I never have to talk to anyone. Like I go to work and I come home and I can do that soberly. Yeah. Yeah. But being in a relationship, I think it just brought up so much fear in me that I didn't know still existed. Um, but anyways, I landed on an or me because I had dated a bunch of other people in recovery and I think they're great. And I, I would probably again, if the opportunity presented itself at that time, but I was like, damn, we're really all so crazy. Maybe it would be good if I just like dated someone who was a little less crazy than I am. Yeah. But yeah, now, now I just feel like it's an opportunity to grow. Like being in a relationship is, it has shown me parts of myself that now I'm, I've been sober for long enough where I feel comfortable in like making some changes, but I think fucking they're right about maybe waiting today a little while after you get so. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I dated for a year. Oh, did you really? Yeah. Now I did. I met Destiny early in her recovery and I was like, we should definitely date. Don't listen to all this. Your sponsors are stupid. Yeah. So I'm the captain now. And then she was trying to leave me. I was like, just move in. We're going to make this work. Matter of fact, quit your job. Fuck it. Yeah. Now, but I think, I think depending, depending on where you are and where the person is, right? Uh, cause I've seen people date and relapse together. Yeah. I've seen people break up in both of them relapse, right? And then I've seen people break up and not relapse. And I've seen people, you know, I think the thing about, especially when you work a good program is I think that we discover so much about ourselves that we've hidden for such a long time. And like, I just had to do some reevaluating on myself because I think I'm the greatest person. I think I'm the greatest guy out there. Yeah. Like I do so much for you and I do this. And, but then I still show up in terrible ways and I still put myself first in so many different things. And I had to do a lot of self reflection here recently. And I think that's something that we learn in a, in a good program to where we're always working on ourself. Right. And I think the day that you stop working on yourself is that's the day that you stop growing for sure. And that's the day where, you know, maybe someone bringing something to my attention won't offend me where now it will offend the shit out of me because I'm not working on myself consistently. Yeah. So I think that's something that we learn in recovery, especially if you're working a good program to where you've grown more probably in these three years and you ever have. Yeah. And it's probably not even close. Not even fucking close. Not even fucking close. It's, it's like the person that you were at 25 to where you are now is like you became not, you were already a woman, but you were, became a woman. Yeah. I was a baby. Yeah. I was a baby and woman's clothing for sure. Yeah. And it's, and it's crazy because like, kind of like you're saying getting into a relationship after not having been in, and I felt so good about myself. Like at that time I was like, I am crushing it. Like I'm really just like, so recovered, things are going great. And then I get into a relationship and immediately I'm like, I'm looking at this person who has done nothing wrong to me. And I'm like, you're going to fuck up. And then I'm going to like, and it's going to be so hard for me to stay sober when you fuck up. And I was like, oh my God, like I am really dealing with some stuff I didn't know about, like you've done nothing and I'm so mad and so scared. And like it is just a further opportunity to grow and to see the things that like can't crop up when you're just by yourself. Yeah. It's like, I'm not afraid of anyone hurting me when I've not allowed anyone close enough to hurt me. 100%. And that's, I think, you know, that's probably why they say the one year thing is because if I had felt those feelings earlier on, and maybe I felt those feelings because I had waited for so long where I was like, I fucking earned my peace and you are going to ruin it. Meanwhile, I'm literally just sitting here. I was like, you're going to fuck up. I worked for. That's why girls get mad at dudes for shit they did to them in their dreams. Yeah, exactly. It's literally I don't fucking understand. I'll never fucking understand that. I actually got that phone call earlier today. I got it the other day. My destiny had a terrible dream. She was like, why were you fucking me? Why are you so mean to me in my dream? And I was like, well, I woke up. I was pretty nice, I think. In reality, you can now see that in you. It's like, whatever you did. It's like, I have a memory of you doing it. I know you didn't, but did you? She's like, she had a dream that I tried to sleep with one of her relatives. And like in her relative was all about it. Yeah. And I was using meth in the dream and I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. And her relative was like, he's not doing anything wrong. It's okay. And so we were making her feel crazy. And she's like, you know, have you ever, I'm like, are you going to ask if I ever fucking thought about your person in any way? No, what the fuck? I mean, she's like, well, that's a terrible dream. And I don't know why I was like, it's a fucking dream. How dare you? First of all, yeah, no, first of all, keep it going. All right. But like, you know, Leonardo DiCaprio played a piece of shit and fucking Django and Chained. And I would never date Leonardo DiCaprio. But you might in real life, but you're not going to date him because of what the way he was in Django and Chained. I'm not breaking up with people over the dreams, but I'm going to be a little salty for a few hours. Yeah. It's like, have you ever had a nightmare where you wake up and you're so scared? Yeah. And it takes you while to like calm down from this being scared. Yeah. It's like that. Oh, bro, if I have a dream that she's cheated on me, that's going to be in my fucking mind, too. That's because you're a girl too. Then. Okay. Like, my girl cheats on me in my dream. I'm going to be like, that was a bad dream. I'm not going to hold that against you. I'm going to ask you like, so who the fucks Clint? Who are you talking about? I don't know. It came to me in a vision that I should worry about. God came to me. That's what I feel sometimes. It's like, I don't, I don't know, because we're TAH. I think maybe women are taught more than men that like your dreams mean something. Yeah. You again, you guys are waste. You got a lot more going on your way smarter. I get it. That's why I drank. I understand. Yeah. So, Bridget, how do people find you? And it's not very hard. Oh, well, hopefully it's not. I'm sober bridge on Tik Tok. And that's really, oh, I'm also sober bridge on YouTube, but I'm just kind of starting that in case Tik Tok goes away. But Tik Tok's my home. That's where you find me. Yeah. Okay. And people get a hold of you through Tik Tok. They message you all the time. They talk to you. They can. Yeah. My DMs are open. I also have a link in my bio to my email address. Because sometimes I do get a lot of messages, but I try to respond to it as many as I can. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. So something I'll tell you, since you're going to become a big social media star. Oh, right. Rachel, Rachel is one of our favorite people that we've had on here. For sure. And I asked Rachel, she came on on maybe our 18th, 20th podcast. Something like that. I think it was our 20th. And we were, we were like, Destiny, when she comes here, Destiny can't even say hi to her because Destiny's watched her on Tik Tok for so long that she kind of gets all weird. Right. So, but I asked her, I said, like, you have so many followers. Do the comments and shit ever fuck with you. And she said, if I don't do my morning prayer in my meditation and I go right into it, yes, they can definitely fuck with me. So there's going to be haters that message you and say stupid shit. If you sit in a barbershop, fuck them. Yeah. Right. Fuck them. Go get your own haircut. Because I ain't doing no fucking haircut in this bitch. Yeah. So keep doing what you're doing. That's a big deal. Women, especially younger women, they need to see that this is possible. Yeah. And you did, you did so well. Like this is, this is something you should have your own podcast. As you do, that this was, this is going to be one of my favorite podcasts that we've done. Yeah, you should do some shit. Yeah, for sure. Like you ever want to come back here, chop it up. Yeah. Come on. We always tell people that whenever they come sit in the chair, they're, they're family now. So you, you need us for anything at all. We're happy to help and the door is always open for you to come back. And we'd love to have you back. I would love to come back sooner than later. And I'd love for you to bring your boyfriend next time for a couple reasons. One, he's British. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty, that's pretty cool. Like that's pretty cool. Second, we get along on the normie thing. Like so. Yeah. We can, we can pull up another microphone. Yeah. So I might have a question or two for him to that'd be cool. It'd be awesome to hear his side of it too. Like, because I'm sure like when he asked that question, how was it with him? I know like if I was in his position, it would always be like, is this going to, this going to trigger you? Because like, obviously he cares and loves you and that's not what he wants to do. Right. Yeah. So like, did he walk on eggshells around it at beginning? Like, I'm not going to drink around you and shit like that. I would love to hear like what he says to you. Yeah. I think that's a big deal. And I also think the experience was probably very different because I think at one point I was like, Hey, I'll let you know. I'll let you know if it's bothering me, but just kind of proceed as if it's not going to. Yeah. Because yeah, but it would be interesting to hear his perspective on that because I I obviously have self-cancey self. Yeah. You know, I have my perfect memory where I was like so chill about it. Well, I think you just said that I know I would like the moment I get in my own shit, I'll be like, well, you fucking drink around me and you know, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm going to throw that shit right at you. It can't like, I can't imagine that he would even let you know maybe how much that he had to kind of work around that. I'm not trying to put shit out in the, in your relationship at all. But I just, you just heard the dream. I'm going to bring it up to you. Yeah. You heard, you heard the way I was in a round table with a normie wife and a sober and the way I was, you know what I mean? So yeah, you'd probably like, okay, take it easy tonight. Like, oh, we're going to have one. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. I'm sticking off to the bathroom. Hey, waitress bathroom, beer. Like, you know, I'm telling that now she's going to be like, Hey, by the way, motherfucker, again, I'm putting no, I'm basically painting. A cartoon in the air right now. I'm just literally, I just have a, no, no one could ever secretly drink around me. I would absolutely know immediately. Yeah. I wrote the book on secret drinking. Yeah, I bet. Anytime someone's in the bathroom too long, I'm like, let me smell your breath. Yeah. Bro, when I went back for, I went back for Thanksgiving to my family's house before I got sober and I showed up five hours late, right? As you do. And because I stopped in Houston, I knew a drug dealer there. He's got a daughter. I have a daughter they can play while we do what we got to do. Well, then for Christmas, the next year, I didn't show up at all. I was like, Hey, I'm my car broke down. I'm taking pictures. I disconnect my headlight and I'm taking pictures like one of my headlights went out and I want to drive. It's raining like I'm doing awesome craze and some drug shit. And my nephew who at the time, and I'm still very close with, he was my favorite of all the family. And he called me and he's like, Hey, I just want to let you know, like I used to always look up to you and you became a piece of shit drug addict. Right. And so of course me, I'm offended because my car is really not working. So we're arguing back and forth and I'm throwing shit at him and he's telling me shit, but I'm just like trying to cut him any way I can. And he's telling me stuff that's all true. Right. And that was the Christmas right before the New Year's that my daughter's mom said I was using. So because I had gotten that argument with him, I was that that was like one of the final straws where I was like, I just like my favorite person in my family. I just trashed, right? And you asked earlier, is there something anyone ever said? Right. And that was the talk that I needed. I needed for someone in my family to say, you are a piece of shit. And you just disappointed everybody. And you're disappointed. Before I went to rehab, you know, you're supposed to make amends when you go through the steps. I had to call him and let him know that I was going. And it was a really good conversation. He said, man, I'm so proud of you. You've always been my hero. And he said, in the best letter that anyone's ever wrote me, he wrote me when I was in rehab and I still have it. And in the letter, it just said, you know, how much he's always looked up to me and how even during my addiction, I was such a good dad. And that I'm about to be the best out of anyone he's ever known. And that was that was my I go back and read that letter all the fucking time because that was a letter that I needed to hear. And it was and it was somebody that I hurt. That was my favorite person in my entire family. So, yeah. So, yeah. So I'm glad that your sister told you, man, that had to take some unselfishness. Right. And it's wild because, you know, my brother, he gets it and he was the one who was a hard ass with me. Right. He was like, you got to you can't keep doing this. Like, I think he literally said, like, you're going to give our parents a hard attack and like, that's going to be on you. Yeah. Which like sounds so harsh, but like, I fucking need to hear that too. So he, you know, he tried everything. But my sister, having never understood anything, she's like, so normal. It's crazy. She like, my whole family was a little crazy. She's not. She's like, so successful, like, well, has a family. She's a little crazy too, because we all are in our own way. She's crazy in response to our crazy. Like that's the only neurosis she has is like, if someone gets too emotional, she's like, chill. But, um, her like, utter confidence that I would be able to do it. I just needed to. Hmm. It was like, I didn't know where it was coming from. And I honestly thought she was like misguided. I was like, I don't know where this, like, I don't know why you believe this. So wholeheartedly, because I don't, but I think about that all the time. It's like, she was the one who was always advocating for like, no, we have to trust that like, she will get there. She'll get there one day when everyone else was ready to give up. Like, yeah. Well, I mean, you think about it like, I'm going to let you miss my wedding. And I'm going to believe that you can do this. Yeah. Like the amount of beliefs she had it. Yes. It's insane. It's crazy. That's insane. That's good. Because most anybody would just say, just come to my fucking wedding and don't miss it because you're not going to get fixed anyways. It's coming just. Brutalize yourself at the end. Black out. It's not going to, but at least she'll be there. No, she was like, no, you need to go do this and you need to save yourself. Yeah. Big up. It's a big, that's a, that's a great sister. She fucking is. My family slaps. I got a little bit with them. They're great. They're really great. They put up with my shipper so long, man. That's crazy. I, I hope my TikTok does take off so that I can just give them some money. I can get really rich and just spread it out. Yeah. You know, repay everybody. That's what we're supposed to do. You know, even more than that, like even if you don't, and you will have confidence in that, but even if you're just out and about and they have somebody walk and somebody walks up to you and says how important what you're doing to them. And for them to see something like that, that's probably all they'd ever need to see. So, and your family's seeing it too. Yeah. Your family's seeing it, but I'm just saying, having a moment like that where you went and found another Bridget, you know, and pulled that back. So it's great. It's crazy how like we can't feel that. Like I wanted those people that helped me to know how much they saved my life. But like I can't, I could never imagine that like I could do the same thing for someone else, but I have to keep trying. But you're going to. And that's like, I'm sure you have already. Yeah. You just don't know it. But think about it like this. It's they did that with you so you can go do that for someone else. It's all just a chain, man. That's all it is. Yeah. I've got a shirt. It says, is it this one though? It says God didn't pull you out of the fire so you could run off. He pulled you out so you can go help as many people, pull them out as well. And that's what we're supposed to do. Like we're not supposed to get recovered and just right off in the sunset. Then my opinion, some people do that and that's OK. Yeah. But I feel like the reason that we went through what we did and the reason that God saved us is because he knew that we could go do so much bigger. Yeah. And that's what we're supposed to, in my opinion, I'm not saying everybody should do that, but I feel like he pulled me out of the fire so I could go pull other people out. Yeah. And I can go help other people become dads or become sober or whatever it is that they're trying to do that they don't think that they can do because we didn't think that we could do this. No. There is no fight. Dude, I did an eight ball of meth every day. I was in what's funny is you said that someone says, well, I don't drink as much as you did. I used to always say, well, I've slowed down so much. Like I've cut back a lot and I never cut back. If anything, I just upped it. Right. But that was the shame that I felt when people like, are you still doing an eight ball a day? God, no. No, I'm only doing a gram these days. Cut back way, way more than what I've ever. And I never did. Right. But that's what, in my opinion, that's what recovery is. It's getting recovered and then going and saving and helping as many of God's kids that we possibly can, our brothers and sisters. And you're doing it. You're doing it. And you're super dope. Like it's a it's a good time watching you. You slap. Yeah. You know what I am? You slap. You're part of the slapping family. You belong to. No, that's that's awesome. You're you're on your way to something special here and can't wait to. Say that we were part of it in some sort of little tiny baby way. Well, y'all too. This this shit's really cool. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Well, now you're you're part of the crew and we got to solidify that here in a moment when you sign our fucking wall. Oh, best believe. Yeah. So. I'm. So yeah, just like that, I guess. Two addicts and a moron. Yeah, two addicts and moron. We're out of this. Reach out to sober bridge. Tic-toc. If you need her, she will respond. Reach out to us too. Yes, reach out. Probably a cool thing to say. Yeah, reach out. Hit the button for her and us and all of that. DM, more on he loves it. Yeah. He loves that shit. We're out. See you guys later.