Paula Pell asks about bad dates

This is a headgun podcast. Checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that when you order a cowboy hat online, you get the right size. Big mistake. Now I'm showing up at the country western dance in a hat made for a toddler. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with all state. All savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. All state North American insurance company and affiliates Northbrook, Illinois. In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little bit about travel. TIG, as you know, I'm about to go on my first big tour around the United States. And while I'm traveling in a bus, I want to make sure I get a couple nights in a nice comfy bed that's not on wheels. So I'm going to book a couple nights day on Airbnb. That sounds like a plan, May. What area are you looking? Well, I'm going to be in Florida, which I'm very excited about. And I'd love to find somewhere with a hot tub or a sauna that I can relax in. Maybe some nice nature nearby, like a big park or something. I love finding a home on Airbnb because I know I can get the place all to myself and I can read tons of reviews and make sure it's a great place. Airbnb also has guest favorites badges that show me the highest rated and most loved homes. I've just never gone wrong booking one of those. You know, I swam with sharks in Florida. Is that something you would ever try? I hadn't thought about that, but if I'm near the ocean, then who knows? Maybe I will. On the other hand, if I find a really nice place on Airbnb, I may just never want to leave. Handsome, childhood friends, all mad, some part. Chad and the friends of the handsome part. Cheers. Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome part. I'm your host, May Martin, joined by your two other hosts who are Fortune Feamster and Tegno Tarot. Yeah. Hi, you guys. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Y'all. Welcome to, um, I don't know. It's Valentine's week. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I see how May is celebrating. How? How? What do you mean, how? You have your, uh, window completely open for the world to see. I come to my window. Yeah. Look up there, Smolissa, at the ridge now. You know what? I'm inside. What's embarrassing? I'm inside. I'm all alone. I had that piece of fabric hung up there. It was so good looking. It was so sketchy and you made fun of it. So I took it down in Paris. So now, but now I left up the little patches of tape where it was. I know. It's much better. Yeah. And you have your guitar case in the corner as if you're going to sing a little ditty to someone. I wish, next time we're all together in the studio, I should bring in the guitar and we'll do some songs. Please. Why can't you do one now? Well, because I don't have a mic stand. I like to hold it in my hand. That's what she said. Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? She did. She did, girl. Is she your Valentine's day? I don't think you don't have a Valentine's day, do you? Well, whoever she is. Oh, she. Well, one thing is last time I was at Largo, the tech guy there does guitar setup for a Lannis Morissette. And he said that she's in Sacramento on February 13th. And as you hear this, I'm scrambling trying to get tickets. I'm texting people. I'm saying, please, what can I offer of anything? Wait, why can't you buy a ticket? I was going to ask that too. Yeah. That's a really good thing. I just assumed you could just buy one. Yeah, why wouldn't you buy a ticket? I assumed it was sold out. I think it sold out. Oh, okay. Well, that's different. Why don't you look right now? Yeah, okay, let me check. Let me see. Let me see here. Yeah. Oh, man, that was a good concert. And not just because I sang as part of the concert. Yeah, yeah. I just googled a Lannis Sacramento. Okay. Lannis Morissette February 13th. Yeah. That's a easy fly. That's a easy fly. Um, except to get, oh, there are tickets available. Yeah, okay. No scrambling needed. Buy a ticket and support the woman. Oh, my God, I'm doing it literally right now. Wow. Can I do it while we're? Yeah, why not? Walk us through it. Well, you might have fun. Are you going to buy two tickets and ask for? Yes, I am. Oh, my God, I have a great idea. What is it to you? Should invite a Lannis. Okay, there isn't an ironic. Don't be expensive. I'm going to do this. You're buying them right as we speak. Well, I'm literally doing it right now. I have to because there's very few. Are you from real center? No, there's not left. So, but there's like ninth row. Uh-huh. Pretty good. The second row is gray. She can belt it out. So, yeah, she can't sing. Yeah, her pants was amazing. God, it was good. Fortune. Yeah. And this time you can go with somebody new. Oh, you're, you're busier. I will be doing shows on stage with the Lannis. I'm performing at the beacon on Valentine's night in Newark City. That's a good room. How do I know if I'm getting, this is a scam website. Uh-huh. Why is that what you want to be? You want to don't buy it on like a third party site, but from her website. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good idea. Go to lannismoreset.com is what I'm assuming it is. Okay. Of course, Fortune knows stuff like that. Yeah. I would just Google like Lannis tickets, California. Hopefully people are Googling right now. New York City, Beacon Theater, Fortune on Valentine's. Okay. So I typed in a Lannis more set. It says the domain name, Lannismoreset.com is for sale. No. No. We need to let her know. No, we should buy it. We should buy it. We should buy it. Oh, no. Do you think she knows it's up for sale? No. This is not at all where I saw this episode. No, neither. No, neither. But I feel like we need to help Atlanta. How much does it cost? Oh, you know what? Okay. Her website is alannis.com. That makes sense. Oh, she didn't, she's like, I don't need my last name. Everybody knows who I am. God, if I, but why would that, she should be for sale. But she should also, what do you see, May? There's VIP tickets available and it says, you gotta get them. Share a special moment with a Lannis who will leave. Yes. It's the meditation, right? It's a meditation who will leave. Get it. You're rich. They will leave this exclusive group in a meditation and answer selected question. What are you talking about? I have to do this, right? Wait, you're gonna do that for you, Ann, a friend? It's too expensive. How much? I know you got to buy yourself the VIP and your friend has to wait for that. Yeah. How much is the VIP? $1,200. Woo! That's a lot of money. And I have met her before. My VIP is $1,65 and that comes with the ticket. Yeah. It's like, great. But are you leading a meditation fortune? I'm not. That is pretty special. I would pay $1,200. I would totally pay that for. Forch and meditation. I would have paid for my meditation, but I would have paid for a lamp. Yeah. This is more at meditation. Because she's like a good at it. She's like a good with that stuff. Yeah, she is very wise and... She's still vegan, Thomas. We should also tell her, Atlanta's more sick.com is for sale. So why do we tell her, why don't we buy it and then she has to buy it from us? You know, we're gonna make some cash. You buy the website and then they'll trade you. Yeah. Yeah, I'll feed you. Yeah. We're all traditional. I want to sing. But still not for your friend. Your friend still has the weight outside. I got the idea. We buy the site. May puts a bunch of different videos of singing Atlanta songs. So she will... Yeah. Yeah. So she will finally see that you have the pipes turned 98. He was a lottery. Died. Died. Next day. I think this is a part I was singing. Yeah, it is. And now you know the lyrics. You have to Google them that night. Let's not get into it. That was nervous. That was nervous. I mean, I'm gonna have to do this after the Pogs. It's like signing up. I'm here taking a master account. Yeah, you need to think about it too. Do it now. The Thomas and Atlanta's refers to herself as about 80% vegan. Exactly. Well, I, I, I, I, I, I, I saw that she's been a vegan since the 80s. My brain just went 80% because it's pretty good. She's doing the best she can. She's helping. I have no judgment. I was just curious if she was still a good touch my girl. I wonder if that means your girl. I know you do. I wonder if she's I love carry. Go ahead. I wonder if she'll be in, oh, carry Russell. Yeah. Do I really have to, I mean, she's carry.com. Yeah. Okay. I wonder if that means that Atlanta's will be in LA before that. Maybe she not live here anymore. Weesh. This is a great idea. We should spend the episode speculating. You go ahead. Just speculating where she might be before and after. I mean, I was, I was happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Oh, man. But you guys are all with us. You, I mean, fortune you are basically friends with her at this point. You have some sweat like a one day will you, but I don't have her number. Okay. If we were dating you and I fortune, you and I are dating in the scenario. And it was Valentine's Day. Yes. And your friends will end it. We'll give you flowers. Thank you. But would you motorboat fortune? Of course. It's Valentine's Day. That's a push-and-degouler. Go to you too. The fortune would be this erect. Fortune puts it down. You're going to break your back. Look, that's how far down they go that I can go. Oh, my God. What may, sorry. Would you, if we were dating and you wanted to make me feel special, would you reach out to Lannis and say, hey, May really wants to sing with you or could you probably out find a way? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you would. See, that's why you're such a catch. Love finds a way. Oh, my catch. Love finds a way. Love finds a way. Fortune, it looks like you have a star trek. I know what that is. It's just a little polo guy. But when I put it on, it looks like you're uniform. Well, not mine. Mine's kind of yellow gold. What? It was, you froze for me also. That is my job. And don't you? Don't you try to do not make any fun of what I do. Oh, no. Oh, my Lord, Fortune Marie. You need to go lie down. No, no, no, no. Fortune, no. Uh-uh. Everybody else wants to say everybody. No, no. I gotta say we are, I think it's not a catch. It's been a non-star. Oh, four AM today. What's that? Go back to sleep. Oh, dear you. Go back to sleep. You're watching like a beast. May what we're going to say. I'm sorry to get a rope to you. No, I don't know. No, please, please. Come back. Make them back. I like it when you guys bag me like that. Yeah, I'll go like this. May, please. May, turn back. Turn back. Come on. Turn back. Come on. Come on. Turn back. Come on. Turn back. Come on. Don't tease us. There you are. There's that pretty handsome face. It's been announced that we're doing the Netflix as a joke festival with the cast of the Hunting Wives. Yeah, with, um, Molly and Ackerman and, uh, Brittany Snow. And I just know this. Why not? Yeah. Stephanie watches that show. But I was just watching Fortune, watching you do your, you know, go down on your hand and, I was thinking, uh, this is dangerous. Wait, I don't have this information. Why don't you know this? I don't know. I don't know. You probably didn't pay attention. That is so rude of you. You know, I don't miss anything. Not even my part in an animated film. Well, I think that this is going to be, um, it'll be like a special thing that would, maybe we'll air, we could probably air it if we wanted to. Um, not like a live stream, but as, uh, a pod. But I think we're actually going to have them sit down and chat with them a little bit. Mm hmm. Chatting with friends on the handsom, chat with friends on the handsom, so it will be, we'll also have them ask a question, but we're going to also chat with them because they did have a lot of lady sex. I know this is what I'm worried about. Fortune, you got to reign it in. I am worried about your decorum with this is professional. You need to stay home. You need to stay home. No, this is when you ask these questions. This is what the people want. It's like the actor studio, but with lesbians, I'm going to have some really hard-hitting journalistic questions and then I'll let you ask. Well, mom and Swedish, so people that listen and sweeten will really want to tune in. I can't wait to invite Stephanie. She loves that show. Do you think she has any lesbian questions for them? They're not. Lesbians in life, but they did a really good job going down on each other. This is what I'm worried about. Like that we're going to be like, oh, she asked them for tips about their sexuality. She asked them for tips. I'm good. Maybe our audience, I remember a listener just can help us think of fun questions for them as well. Yeah, I'm getting under disgusting. I need to binge the rest of the show and then the camera. I just find it into your camera. It's literally on the camera. People pay good money for this show. They don't. It's literally free. That's why they have to listen to ads that they love that they can fast forward through. But don't. Don't. Don't stop. You can get good deals. You can get good deals. We got some good deals on things. I just watched Brittany and not really scary one. Oh, wait, which one? With the psycho killer and Clare Danes. Oh, yeah, that was a good one. That was really good. The beast or something. The beast inside of you. Yeah. We're talking about beasts. Oh, at the Netflix Golden Globes party, Clare Danes was there and she was dancing up a stone. Is it one day or two? Clare Danes. Is that same day? Yeah, you said Danes. Yeah, you said Danes. No, I'm at Danes. Oh, I was like, okay, I feel like her last name is Danes. I think I said Danes. No, no, no. She was dancing like create like booty dancing, like all up in it, like super intense awesome. And did you get in on that? No, but I was in the circle that she was dancing in. Or she and Jones was also dancing. And we were all just like dancing. And did you say, hey, could you do a handsome question? No, I should have. We really let's do it right now. Let's just get you on camera asking a question. I have a thing on Sunday with somebody that I'm really hoping I can get a question from. It is kind of a big one. That would be awesome. It's not kind of it is a big one. Is it Obama? No, it's basically that level. Oh, Oprah, is it Oprah? No, it's that level. Okay. Oh my gosh. Who else is that level of Oprah? Because Jennifer Aniston, Oprah, Obama, McCartney, Ralph. Ralph? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's exciting. That's a tease. Well, we'll see. We'll see you guys. Yeah. Oh, I'm excited for Malone today. Good transition. Checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you're picking in a peaceful area of the park. Look out. I was halfway through my cucumber sandwich before I realized I was sitting in the middle of a disc golf course. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. Hearing good hands with all state potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability all state North American insurance company and affiliates North Brook, Illinois. It's time to refresh your space and make your home the best possible version of itself with way fair from furniture and decor to organization solutions and outdoor essentials. Handsome loves way fair because they make it easy to find the exact items to fit your style, needs, and budget. Upgrade your space, find quality pieces, and get fast shipping and easy assembly options with way fair. 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It's cozy season and I got a pair of everyday fleece straight leg sweatpants from quince for only $39.90. They're so comfy. They're my new favorite thing to wear around the house and I just ordered a pair of Australian Sheerling moccasins slippers to go with them as well. Quince has tons of pajama options and robes to whatever suits your style, they've got it. Right now, go to quince.com slash handsome for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it and you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com slash handsome for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash handsome. I used to hate Valentine's Day. I'm not really that like into it now obviously but um what do you mean obvious? Yeah, why obviously yeah. It's not obvious to me. It's not obvious to me. I don't know. It's just another. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. No, it sounds like you're being negative. No, I love love. No, I love love. All right, let me do. But growing up, I probably had to chippin' my shoulder about it because I never had a Valentine. And so when you weren't with somebody, that day like that felt poopy. Yeah, I want your mouth. I didn't have Valentine's either. Ever, you seem like you would have been like a little, I have a bunch of girlfriends in high school or junior high. No. Oh. I didn't know what was up with me. My face and my outfits, no, but I didn't. Yeah. I feel like if you don't have a Valentine, and you should just find any kind of like a dog or a kid. Wait, what? Wait, why a dog? What are we talking about? Why a kid? No, Tisha, are we talking about a shower that's our with the world? Oh my God. Yeah, I need to explain this better. Yes, please. My God. We're all ears, weirdo. Oh my God. Weirdo, God. I was just, I think, okay, this was my dog. It's called a police dog. Dog, if you don't have a date, find a dog. No, my thought process was that when I was in school, like my dad would make us feel really special on Valentine's Day. And it would be like fun games and balloons and stuff. So like if you're feeling sad and lonely, just make it special for a dog or a kid. It'll bring you to a dog. I mean, dogs gonna be pumped about Valentine's Day. I don't even have anyone, but no, I have a Valentine's Day. Oh my God. My cats are gonna sleep right through it. Yeah, they don't even know. They just got to wake them up. They just got to wake them up. You gotta wake them up. The only flowers I was ever sent in high school was from my brother. He sent me flowers. He sent me flowers. What was going on there? He sent me flowers. Nobody has a normal Valentine's Day. He was being nice. He sent flowers to me and flowers to my mom. That's nice. And was he yellow? It's friendship flowers. Was he already at college and stuff? No, I think I was in ninth grade and maybe he was a senior. Is yellow friendship flowers? Uh-huh. Huh. Yellow is for friendship. What are white? Uh, love? Triple X. What is white? What is white? Peace and love? Motorboughton. Red's romantic. White is motorboughton. White flowers means motorbought. My brother, he was probably like, oh, she's not gonna have a Valentine's. Let me send my sister some flowers. My brother always sends me flowers. Not always. I don't have a Valentine in college either. Oh, the real loner. I didn't go to college. There you go. Yeah, I didn't have one either. Yeah, I don't think I'm dated for too long. I know. What didn't we? I don't know. It's so crazy. I don't know what male suitors didn't you? Yeah. When in my teens? Yeah. Anytime. Yeah, I had male suitors, I guess. And then 16 plus I had girlfriends and boyfriend. Oh, yeah. That's the Wadna. Do you think if you guys had met in high school or college and you know when you don't know any other queer people and you're in a small town, you just think, well, I guess we'll date like you guys might have dated. I can confirm that we didn't date. But I think we would have been friends. We would have been friends for sure. We would have checked that. Check out. And I'd be like, what are you gay? No, no, no, no, she's my best. She's my best friend. Yeah. Yeah. Taking that a minute, a long time ago, we were both in the feminine women. No, I know. But you know, we don't really know that yet. And you're and you just meet a queer person and you think, well, I guess I'm just in love with this person because you're like recognizing things about yourself. Wait, how about those mysterious people from your childhood, from junior high, from high school that you're like, I know what, like looking back, there's something up with them. Yeah. They're married to a man. Oh, yeah. I know several of those. I know. Where you're like, that person is one hundo gay. Yeah. Like, wow, you're still sticking with it. There is this one woman who I met, like when we were like 20 or something. And I was like, okay, where is your girlfriend? And to this day, still never has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Wow. Straight as an arrow. She's missing out. Well, claiming to be straight as an arrow, it's so fascinating. There's like, yeah, long list of people in life where you're like, wait, she needs to travel it. Just travel lady train. Yeah. I mean, I know. I know. You mean, get a ticket, take a ride. It can be one way. It can be round trip. Yeah. You can hop on hop off. Yeah. Like, May does. May hop on hops off. Yeah, May does whatever they want. Yeah. I mean, with everything. No, I, if I, my life would look so different if I did whatever I want. Oh, yeah. Like, you might have a curtain. Yeah. I would have a curtain. I'd have like exotic pets, you know, but I know you're not allowed. What kind of exotic pet? Kuala. Well, you probably start dating it because Valentine's day. Just a good dog. I can't. Grab a dog or a, um, a Kuala. Yeah, I'd have a Kuala. Yeah. Snuggle in my lap right now. Can you imagine? I go, look, I have to see your, you don't need to see your lap. Look at my legs. Look at my legs. You two, May is showing their crotch. I'm showing you colitis if you had a Kuala. You know that, oh, oh my god. Finally, an organic May fact. Oh, a May fact. It's been forever. Oh, okay. Uh, Kuala's are actually a, I love that that's on your desk tag forever. Um, I said forever. I was sitting forever. Yeah. I was sitting. I don't know. That's on me. It's gonna be there. There you go. Um, Kuala's are allergic to eucalyptus and yet they eat it all the time and that's why they're so sleepy all the time because they're actually, they can't digest it very well. Oh, they're dumb. They also all have chlamydia and they also have, I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And their fingerprints are indistinguishable from human fingerprints. Whoa. That's weird. And also their favorite artist is Jennifer Leopold. I feel like he is. Every single Kuala loves Jennifer Leopies. Love's J-Lo. Mm-hmm. And Rise of Lights. Mm-hmm. Well, sounds like a very exciting. I know it's, we talked about it last week, but it's Tiggs anniversary. Mm-hmm. On Valentine's Day. Oh my god. Yeah. Party kisser on the list. Party kisser. Are you gonna do anything romance? Well, Party kisser got pinned down, you know. Yeah. But am I doing anything? No. I feel like there's something that's going on on Valentine's Day where I can't be with my special. Oh no. You're not together? Well, we're, we're rarely together. Oh no, I am home on Valentine's Day and then- You gotta plan something special. The independent spirit awards are the day after and we were nominated for best documentary. So I'll be at that. So I will be home. But I think that's fine. Well, I'm gonna be home on the 14th and then the 15th is the award. So I don't know what the 14th holds. Yeah, you've got some overnight oats. Mm-hmm. I'll meet you in the kitchen for some overnight oats. Yeah. You, instead of flower petals, you leave a trail of overnight oats. Yeah. And granola. Blueberries. Yeah. That's romantic. Maybe you'll wear your night gown for her. Yeah, maybe we'll see or maybe I won't wear my night gown for her. Yeah. Yeah. We're here. Now we're talking. Finally. Yeah, sexy. Mm-hmm. And I feel like Mace still has a few days and they could end up with a date for the weekend going to this concert. I'm gonna go to the concert regardless and then, yeah, maybe I'll meet someone at the concert. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I'll set up a Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is a, I was proposed to one Valentine's Day. It kind of ruined all future Valentine's Day's for me. Well, no, you need to re-frame. No, you need to re-frame. No, you need to re-frame. No, you need to re-frame. No, you need to re-frame. You need to re-write. You're Valentine's. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Mm-hmm. That's right. We'll be right back after this commercial break. What should we get to our question? I feel that way about you saying that quote, I feel like don't cry because it's because it happened. Don't cry. Oh, yeah. What is it? Don't cry because it's oversmall because it happened. Yeah. You're smiling by me saying that. About saying that, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Look at my smile. That's beautiful. Thank you. Let's get to our question asker. Mm-hmm. Today's question asker is an Emmy-winning writer, producer and actor who wrote for SNL from 1995 to 2013. She played Gloria in Girls 5 Eva and stars in the new comedy The Burbs on Peacock Paula Pell is asking today's question. Woo-hoo! Paula's very funny. Paula's actually who wrote the movie I'm filming right now. Paula wrote it with her wife, Jeanine Brito, and they're very, very funny. Amazing. And Paula's a very amazing actress as well. Awesome. Yeah! Yeah. Let's hear it. Hi, hilarious hunks of handsome. It's Paula Pell. Thank you for having me. I love this podcast so much. Here's my question. I'm posing to you. What is your absolute worst date you've ever been on, just like a full diaper from beginning to end? A full diaper? Oh my God. A full diaper. That's funny. I'm not heard that phrase. Just a full diaper from beginning to end. I'm trying to think what to share. I feel like I don't go out on a lot of dates. I feel like I meet people and then we figure out we like each other and then we're dating. Then we're dating. Right. But even if you just go out for dinner with someone you're dating, that counts as a date. I mean, my most awkward dates were definitely early on. This was the time of Craigslist being a hotspot. Do you remember these days? Did you end up in married three sums? No. I remember in the three sum. This is not a three sum gal over here. Craigslist was like, this would have been, because I came out in 2005. I was like a late bloomer. And Craigslist was very popular at the time for finding sports teams or dating or whatever. It was a very, the community was active on there. Then eventually someone ruined it by murdering someone. It happens every time. But for a couple of years, you could, if you wanted to do anything social, it was. If you wanted to get murdered. Well, you don't want that, but sometimes it just happens. I had joined some, I had come out and I was joined some sports team was trying to meet, I was trying to meet gay people just for friends. Then I was trying to like get the courage to go on dates, but I had no game. I did not know how to talk to women. I was so awkward. And I went on Craigslist and started emailing with some people. But this was also no pictures. It was all just like women seeking women and you just put traits about yourself. Oh my God. And so I went on a couple dates. Fienness and they were unbearable. Oh my God. I went on three dates. It did three different women. Total blind dates. Total blind dates. That's brave. Barely knew anything. And we had Zilch and Common, all three of us. Yeah. And these were three very different women. I mean, the first one, we met for coffee and I was so nervous. She had already gotten her, she was kind of nerdy and she had gotten a tea and I sat down and spilled her tea everywhere on the table. Oh my God. And you already know out of the gate, I don't want anything to do with this person. Oh, you can. I mean, she's thinking the same about me. Yeah, yeah. There's no chemistry. But I couldn't stop saying the word gay date. I was like, I've never been on the gay date. If you do go on gay dates. This is a very interesting gay date. I was like, what am I doing? Wait, and you weren't being funny? No, I was not being funny. I was being so awkward because I was, I had never been on the gay date. This is my first date with a woman. Did you work your start? I tried to. I tried to. I did not. But you know, that was what sucked about coming out late is that these are the awkward things I should have been doing at 16, you know? Yeah. I was having to do them at like, I don't know, this was like 2526 and they're like, I was like, no, this gay date. Well, she's like, she's like, she's calling it a gay date. I thought, I think God. I think, I think the coffee lasted 40 minutes, maybe tops. I mean, she was too long. And then I met another one at a bar, like a lesbian bar and she seemed really into me and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was so scared of women. I couldn't, I just couldn't. I was not ready. You were like, whoa, she wants to motorboat me. Yeah, but I was not ready for that. We didn't really have chemistry either. And then the other one, I think we met in a chillies. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, are you laughing? Oh my God, we just put triple divers. And that sounds good. So the day wasn't, you know, we were compatible, but man was a triple-diver, fantastic. But I just was such a bumbling idiot for a couple of years until I finally just got, you know, like, you just have to practice. It takes just like doing it. Yeah. But those were the most awkward. And when you're meeting like that, it's so not organic. You know, you're putting two, like, totally mismatched people together and just like being like, okay, here you go. It's different, I think, when you like, you know, go online, you're talking, I don't even know if we talked on the phone really. Like we just like went out, which was such a mistake. And then I did another, a couple of years later when I was more comfortable. I would kiss her. I know, a couple of years later, I went on a match. Did you kiss any of these people? No, no, no, no. You just like peeled out and like, drove out of there. Going what the hell, like what was your conversation to yourself? I get out of there fast enough. Oh, my God. And then I went on, I was never really much into the apps or whatever. I just preferred to try to meet people in person and this one, I finally went on the app because I was having a hard time meeting people. And I emailed only two women. And I met them both in real life and then found out with a couple weeks of hanging out, just as friends, that they were dating each other. No. Could they were currently dating each other? They were currently dating each other. They had met on the website. Oh, no. Continent. Oh, what's the website? Matt, I mean like Match.com I think. But they both continued to stay on. They were triple-dippers. The website. And then, yeah. And then I was like, and so they were like, we just want to be, they would each, we're telling me they wanted to be friends. And I was like, why are you on a dating site? Yeah. It was so weird to me. I hope they're still working. They broke up, of course, a couple months later. They listened to this podcast now, by the way. For sure. And then, three grit. One of them I did ask out after they'd broken up. I mean, they dated like three months. It was like nothing. And I think I asked a couple months after that, if she wanted to go out and she was like, no. I can't believe you asked me out. I was like, oh, my God. That tone. I know. She seemed very, yeah, like very offended. And then like, hit on her friend of mine. I was like, okay. This is, I had, I had a couple of years of just bad luck. Just drama early Chinese. I just felt like I would like girls that didn't like me back. And, or they were like confused about their sexuality. I just, it took me a while to really get it right. Like as far as like starting to have good dates. Yeah. Or where they maybe like turned off by gay date coming up all the time. Why didn't you do that again? That was the first, I just did it on the first one. But yeah, I just think that's what's tough about coming out later is because you want to, like I said, be doing this awkward stuff in your teens. Like that's when you want to be going through stuff. Not when you're like 25 to late 20s. Well, yeah, I feel like. Because then it feels worse. Yeah. And I feel like honestly, it kind of, there's like sometimes a rest of development vibe. Totally. Yeah. In the community. Yeah. People have not experienced. Yeah. Yeah. At least now with the apps you can get so specific about what you're into. You can put. Well, now I'm a grown-ass woman. And okay, geez. Oh, okay. Now I'm Rico Slave, right? Yeah, you are. Absolutely. I've come a long way. That was 20 years ago. So I was a baby gay as they call them. I'm thinking of the date that sprung to my mind was it was my birthday. And I was living in England. And I was living with my girlfriend who was closeted. And so I had like a little cupboard under the stairs that we would pretend was my bedroom, like Harry Potter. Terrible. Oh, no. It was literally a tiny. It was a quarter of the size of this office I'm in now. And it just had a single bed. And it was just so if people came over, we could be like, oh no, my sleep's in there. You sleep in like a little. You sleep in like a little match, but like a barbed-out. Yeah. Yeah. And so it was my birthday. I started to be like, okay, you got to start telling people now and shoot. Like the pressure was on and it was the sore spot. Anyway, she brought me in the rain to way out to like Richmond way outside of London. Like really the outskirts to walk around a garden. And I slowly realized that it was just because we wouldn't bump into anyone we knew. There. And then also she got tired. And so she made me tell them that she needed a wheelchair. And so I pushed her around. I pushed her around this garden in the rain in a wheelchair. Well, and I was like, this is the hottest thing I've ever heard. I was like, this sucks. And then sounds awful. Oh, it was awful. And uh, wait, where did the wheelchair come from? And why could she not walk? Yeah, we were young. We were young. She was just tired. She was like, I need to pull that some time with Stephanie. And then we went back to our apartment. And then she was like, oh, my friends coming over. So can you like not be weird? And then I was like, okay, well, I wanted to take a bath. And she was like, well, that'll be weird if you take a little bath. So I love a bath. Anyway, I love just to. I love you too. And then the other bad date I could think of, actually, can I ask you a follow up? I want to hear this one. But did y'all last much longer? We were together three and a half years. Wow. And only a handful of people. And she was in the closet the whole time. Pretty much. Yeah. I mean, everyone knew our friends, but they were British people in their 20s, to awkward to say anything. I was like, this is, yeah, I mean, I should've got it. And I'll be honest, I don't know how I missed how the wheelchair ended up. She just got tired. They just had spare wheelchairs for, you know, the elderly and stuff at Q Gardens. She could rent them. And she said, can you go and tell them that I need one? And that, you know, I have a leg problem or something. And then I went and got one. And I was, I just remember pushing her around being so tired. And it donned on me that we were out in the middle and nowhere. So we went bump into it. Yeah. That's interesting. Even though this isn't what you were saying, I just had this memory that my first girlfriend, she would want to hold my hand. And I was so uncomfortable that I would, I'd limp when she held my hand. Like, really? I would act like I needed her to help me. Oh, that's why she was holding your hand. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Her little internal homophobia. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. Oh, so glad to be far from that. I know. Yeah. I was, I was very, very uncomfortable. And then what was your other one that you were going to talk about? The other one, it actually ended up being a fun weekend, but it was with an axon mine. We went up to Big Bear. And I, and I was like crazy about her. And we're in the car. We got up to Big Bear and was like day one. And I said, she said something like, well, we should probably talk about where this is going. And I was like, yeah, great. I wanted to go everywhere to the moon and the stars. Every way. Yeah. And she was like, oh, well, I'm not really sure what I want. And then I was like, fuck me this whole weekend now. And I was like visibly shaken by that. But I'm like, no, I'm going to be cool. And I'd rented this Airbnb. And it was the middle of winter and snowing. And we got in the hot tub that night. And it was nighttime. And we locked ourselves out. And it was snow. And we're in the hot tub. But the Airbnb was 45 minutes from anywhere. And we're in our bathing suits. So we had our phones. So we called the company that ran the, and they said, well, we can have someone to you in about 90 minutes or something. But the roads were so icy. People were like, and so we were just freezing. But also the chlorine and the bleach and the hot tub that we were in there for hours. And when I got out my black bathing suit was bleached like almost orange. Oh, wow. Oh, all of them. The guy showed up and he'd forgotten the key. And he had to take the whole front door off its hinges to get a sense. And then put it back on. And then basically the next morning we woke up. And our skin was like cracking dry. It was the biggest boner killer. We had to go to CVS by as much moisturizers we could. You would have loved it. Fortunately, I know you liked it. We did all these put the lotion on each other. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure we did. I mean, you could make something with that. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a terrible weekend. Especially the one man that was lazy and one to sit in a wheelchair. Well, the wheelchair was different. That was a different ex-teferno. I know. But that is just like, I am tired. Because you were probably in your 20s. Yeah. And like, push me around in a wheelchair. Isn't it a tire? It's a tire that you lived in a Barbie dreamhouse under the stairs. She was a real character. There's more stories there. Oh, those are the only two. Did you draw from some of that for a feel good? Because wasn't that character in the closet? I did a bit. But in feel good, I made you really root for the relationship, I think. Right. In real life, I don't think anyone was rooting for it. It was like, OK, it's time to move on. Yeah. She's rolling around a wheelchair. Oh, it's so hard. I'm exhausted. Just because she's tired. An exhausted, it's all a sudge. Take what about you? Oh, yeah, so you don't go on many dates, but. No. But you probably ask. Don't yell at me for too much. I would. No, you saw me as someone who had the confidence to ask them girls out. No. Really? No, I didn't ask girls out. You didn't know? No. Even a Colorado? Oh my gosh. This girl in LA, she was a stand up writer, producer, person that I just would meet. We just became friends, and we really enjoyed each other. Oh my gosh. I never want to overstep or make somebody uncomfortable. And I don't like to assume anybody is attracted to me. It's crippling. Yeah. And she had never been into a woman before. And we hung out. And she lived in this apartment in Santa Monica. Oh my gosh. I'm just so hilarious. Because we're still friends. And she's great. It's just so funny to think back before we knew each other better. And so she had me over. We went to the roof of her apartment in Santa Monica. And it was like, yeah, so when it comes it with me on the swing. And I was like, sure. And I'm like, is she intimate? I just didn't know what was happening. And so we're like swinging. And then she's like, well, it's getting late. Do you want to spend the night? And I was like, and it was to be fair, it was very late. But I mean, it's not like I couldn't drive back to Hollywood from Santa Monica. But I was like, sure. And so I stay. She makes up the couch for me. Okay. That is confusing then. This is mix it all. Yeah. Well, I think I probably had something to do where I was I could imagine. This is so I probably was like I could sleep on the couch. You know what I mean? Right. I was trying to like probably get ahead of things. So I'm like on her couch. And she's in her bedroom. And then you just get this boy's go. Tick. And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, are you comfortable on the couch? Oh man, she wanted you to come in the bedroom. Yeah. And you find what? Yeah. Oh no. Oh. Oh. Oh my god. She was really putting it out there. No, I mean, we ended up like hooking up, making out kissing like. That night. No. No. No. I was just sending two of them picking up on anything. Yeah. It's like you have to absolutely just kiss you. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no world that I will do that. Yeah. I was pretty bad about that too. I never knew if someone liked me. Yeah. I think I've mentioned a story also about the girl that when she was done with me after she had done with me sexually or no, she was so done with me because it just it was not happening. Mm-hmm. And then of course it created that situation where I became more interested in her. Yeah. When she was less interested. And one time I stopped by her how I think I mentioned this on the show wearing the shirt that she always would tell me I looked cute. Yeah. She was like, yeah, I wasn't having any of that. It didn't do it. No. No. But we're totally pal still. We haven't really ever talked about that. About you on the sofa? Yeah. And it's also, I mean, we're both married with kids and rarely see each other. I think it's been like 10 years since I've seen her. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, that was uncomfortable. And I was fully to blame. Tigger, are you comfortable on the sofa? Yeah. You're really good. Yeah. I definitely had some awkward phone calls where I liked someone, but nothing was ever happening. It would just drag out and drag out and drag out. And finally, I would just call them and be like, I like you. And they would be like, I don't like you like that. I'm like, okay. Okay. Bye. Okay. Oh, wrong number. God, my 20s were a mess. I would love to see. But what's in it 30? I found my strut. Yeah. But man, those 20s were, woof. Yeah. I, yeah, it's rough thinking back on my life before. Oh, my God. I'm always like my apologies to everyone. My apologies. I just, I was just not great at things. Wow. So weird thing. Some people are good at it and some people aren't. But then eventually you found your, your right person and then it was so easy, right? Yeah. I mean, God, so easy. But it's also, I don't know what I was going to say. Hmm. Oh, I know what I was going to say. It's so impressive though, fortune that you felt that way and you still put yourself out there. Yeah. Yeah. I never do that at all. It was so hard. I mean, I was like, you know, my stomach was in knots. Yeah. But still, that's like true bravery and like strength because it is because you're, you're so full of fear and insecurity and you're, you're like, I'm still going to put myself out there. I, what it had gone on where we were in this weird like in between for a bit where I couldn't, it, part of it was I just couldn't take it anymore. Mm-hmm. Like the not knowing because I was my feelings were continuing to develop. Mm-hmm. And I, I had this like run where I liked a couple of, not at the same time, but I liked a couple women in a row that unrequited love thing. Yeah. And I don't, I couldn't gather that pattern where I just was like falling for these people that just nothing was happening. And, but I, I was developing feelings and I just got to the point where I was like, I have to, I have to like find out because not that I, I won't be their friend, but I need to know so that I can put my energy elsewhere if this isn't going to develop. So yeah, it was basically just after a while of me just not wanting to feel that like awful in between anymore. Mm-hmm. And now you and Tigger are such good friends. Look at us. Yeah. I was just also on my couch. I was also, I don't know how I ended up on this coffee date with a girl. It was right after, it was in 2012 after all the hell I had been through and, and she was like, ah, well, there you go, fortune. She looked like a version of Jennifer Aniston, you know? And, but she was so deeply boring. I, like, I was, I was truly staring at her like, how on earth are you choosing these words and sentences? And I was so confused. And after our, our coffee, she texted me, that was so nice. And I was like, it'll be. And then she knew that I had a show that night and she texted me before the show saying, have a good show. And I was like, oh, and then, yeah. And then at night when I was in bed, I got a text from her saying sweet dreams. And I was like, oh, my God. I, I called her text. Red flag. I called her text of her Aniston. But I was just like, no, no, no, no. And that was actually a story I had told Stephanie before we got involved. And then when she and I exchanged numbers, she texted me at 11 o'clock that night and said sweet dreams. Sweet dreams. Yeah. So it goes call bags. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's good. But anyway, I can't even imagine the, the awkward stories people have about me. Oh my God. Wouldn't it be nice to hear what people say about you? Well, it makes me think I would love to text that friend, the comedian writer, producer, what if it was Paula Pell? Yeah. No, that, that, that went on with all those years ago and just feel like how hilarious, how hilarious and what are your memories of that? Yeah. That would be funny. Anyway. Let's hear Paula Pell. Yeah. After my divorce, I went on a date, someone fixed me up with someone. I had moved to LA and they fixed me up with this girl and I was all excited. I got a blow dry and got my nails done and I was all nervous and I got ready early and sat and waited with my person, my lap. Like I was waiting for church to start. And I was waiting for her call because she had a meeting at, at like seven and was going to be done ready for dinner at canters at eight. We're going to have a little deli meal. All excited and she just kept delaying. Oh my God, I'm so sorry because I kept having to check in. Hey, are we still doing this? I'm so sorry. I'm walking my friend to his car. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm talking to my friend. He's going through something. I'll be there very soon. I'll call you. Finally, about, I'm not kidding, two hours go by and I'm like, if you want a cancel and we can do this some other time, I had completely melted all my, all my beautification. And she said, no, no, I don't have my car. Can you pick me up at this corner and we can go to go to a bar? So I picked her up. We went to the bar and started talking. She was really nice and we're laughing and talking. And she proceeds to tell me that she went to dine with her friend. She was talking to that delayed the date at canters where we were supposed to be going. What? And she thought it was funny and she was just telling me like, can you believe it? We did that. And I was just like, I had very low self-esteem at the time. So of course, at the end of the day, I was like, I hope she still wants to make out with me, which she did not hold out. Oh my God. Oh my God. God dang. Paula, you don't deserve that. Is Paula in a relationship now? Paula is happily married. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes, Paula remarried and is so happy. Oh God. How long has she been with her wife? Her new, her new, probably not now. They've been together for a bit. I don't know how long though. No, okay. They seem like a great fit. Oh, that's awesome. That's the nerve of that date. Yeah. It should be like so funny while you were waiting. I went to the place. We were going to go. That's so rude. That's rude. That's so silly of me. Yeah. I did ask someone. I thought I asked someone on a date once. This again, back in my 20s. And it was one of those outdoor movies. This was like, and a bunch of my friends were going on. It's like, oh, this is the perfect first date. We can kind of get to know each other. So I asked this girl and she brought a date. Oh, that's like Mike Berbicklea. My girlfriend's boyfriend. She, I had, I sat there and had to entertain her date. Like, she's like, fortune's so funny. Oh my God. Oh my God. What am I doing with my life? Those kind of moments of truly where you catch yourself in a, where you're like, what? What? How did I end up here? Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. That is so funny. Oh. I'm excited for the Paula Pell's movie with you in it, fortune. Yeah. When does that come out? I mean, this is the one we're filming now. So I don't know. Well, last Paula and her wife, Janine wrote it. So they were together. They're both really fantastic comedy writers. That's so cool. Yes. And they live on a farm as lesbian, do in real life. Yeah. Really like with chickens and stuff, cows. They've got animals. Why is she invited me? It's in, I think it's in New York, somewhere in New York. I can travel. All right. Tell her. I'm calling you on her form. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's my big dream in the end. Oh my gosh. But it's my big dream is I want to start an animal sanctuary. I could see that for you. And to go back to wheelchairs. Yeah. I want a full circle. I mean, I would love to have an animal sanctuary with animals that are like in wheelchairs. Oh, like a donkey's. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. Try to stop it. I mean, that is, I mean, that's what I want. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. Thanks. I love you too. Well, awesome. What do you guys find? That was so fun. What do you guys have coming up on? Well, Valentine's Day, right? Yeah. Big New York City, Beacon Theater, February 14th, and then in March of San Diego, Oklahoma City, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Little Rock, Arkansas, and a bunch of those rescheduled dates, like Toronto and San Antonio, Portland. I'm so sorry. I had to reschedule again, but I'm coming. I promise. I'll be in Tucson, Santa Fe, Ventura, California, Monterey, Los Angeles, Charleston, West Virginia, Cincinnati, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Keen New Hampshire, Newtown, Connecticut, Portland Maine, Red Bank, New Jersey, Bellingham, Washington, Brooks, California, San Luis, Bisbo, Albany, New York, Peaks, Scale, New York, Clayton, New York. Do you want to... Oh, this is where I can go see the animals Rochester, New York. There you go. Alice Bell, Montana, Spokane, Washington, Eugene, Calgary, Omaha, Oklahoma, all of those places. I will be there. Tignotaro.com, looking forward to it. I'll be with Amy Berkman, the speed painter opening for me, raising money for good causes, including for animals. That's what I'm up to. All right. I am tomorrow night. I'm at Largo in LA trying out my new hour before I go on tour to all those cities then February 26, Oklahoma and the 27th Houston and Dallas and go to May Martin.net. It's selling out, but there's still some tickets available. See if I'm coming to your town and I can't wait. Subscribe, rate, review, also subscribe to YouTube so you can see fortune touching her knockers. Yeah. All right. Sure, never soed with a friend. And that's really... That's the noise they make. I don't know what to say. No, I know. I used to have those things. They're still bouncing in the dumpster. But yeah, it's a wonderful community of people. Just a sea of handsome merchandise at the shows. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. He did it! Handsome! Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at HandsomePod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hit gun podcast. Checking all-state first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking your new smart thermostat before going to bed. That's a sticky situation. 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