Hello, everybody. Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in a series called Talking About Stuff That Matters. Now, in this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking what it means to live in community, have real conversation about what matters most and face discouragement with courage and faith. It's honest, hopeful, so stay tuned. You won't want to miss a second. And now let's get to the final part of a message called Forming Healthy Friendships. Second key to building friendships, be comfortable, relax, and be yourself. That's the second key to building great friendships. Relax and be yourself. Be be comfortable with you. He said, but Rick, if I be me, they might not like the real me. Well, if they're not gonna like the real you, they're never gonna be your friend in the first place. And if they don't like the real you, they don't deserve to be your friend. And if they don't like the way you really are, they're not worthy of your friendship. So any person, you have to be somebody different than who you are to be their friend, is not a friend. They're not a friend. So if you can't just be who you are, then you don't want them as a friend, they aren't worthy as a friend, and they're never gonna be your friend in the first place. So go ahead and be yourself, and that pretty quickly will determine who's a real friend and who's not. You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. You have to think you're worthy. If you missed last week's message on identity, Go back and listen to that, about that you have something significant to give to the world. Go back and listen to that again on those five reasons why you can feel good about you. Jesus, in Matthew 22, 39, said this. The second greatest command in the whole Bible is this. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. You know why? Because if I don't like me and I don't feel good about me, I certainly don't want you feeling good about you. So I'm going to be constantly picking on you, tearing you down, pulling you down, because I don't feel good about me. That's why any time you find somebody in your family, an in-law, a parent, anybody who's constantly picking, picking, it just means one thing. They don't feel good about themselves. Hurt people hurt people. Hurt people hurt people. When somebody is hurting everybody else in the family, it means they need massive doses of love because they're hurting. Insecure people want everybody else to be insecure. So they're constantly perfectionists, biting, arguing, and nipping at everything. They're just revealing their own hurt. They're revealing, hurt people hurt people. Jesus said, love your neighbors, you love yourself. You gotta be comfortable with you. And if you're not comfortable with you, That's why you don't have many friends. You just need to start realizing, as we talked about last week, God says, you are my masterpiece. I made you to be you, and nobody else in the world could be you. That's one advantage you have over everybody else. Nobody can be you. Now, if you can't be around them, then it's not gonna be a real friendship. That's why you don't want these kind of friendships where you have to wear a mask. 2 Corinthians 4, verse 2 says this. We refuse, we refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver, we don't manipulate behind the scenes. I love that in the message translation. We're the real deal. We're not perfect, but what you see is what you get. We're authentic. We're the real deal. And if you can't be real, then they're not gonna be your friend anyway. So be cheerful, smile, use friendly language, but be yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. Number three, be conversational. What do I mean by that? Be conversational by asking questions. Be conversational by asking questions. If you're talking with somebody, you're just meeting them for the first time, and you're asking them questions about themselves, that's called a conversation. If you're talking with somebody and all you're doing is talking about yourself, that's called a monologue. That is not a conversation. When you're going and you're trying to impress everybody with how cool you are, that's a monologue. That is not a way to make friends. The way you make friends is by asking questions. And why? Because questions shows you're interested in them. Philippians 2.4. Don't just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others and in what they are doing. That's how you have friends. Be interested in others and what they're doing. Circle the phrase, be interested. Now, I'm gonna give you something. and if you don't get anything else, this is one of the most important keys to building solid, healthy friendships. Okay, so I'm gonna ask you to write it down. The secret of making friends is to be interested, not interesting. The secret of making friends is to be interested in them, not interesting yourself. this is the biggest mistake people make in trying to find friends they're trying to be interesting we're trying to look cool smell cool sound cool be cool wear cool clothes great cool hairdo and we want to be you know the mysterious man of mystery or woman of mystery you know And we want to be interesting Stop trying to be interesting Be interested Be interested in them You'll have plenty of friends. You will make more friends in two months being interested in others than you will in two years of trying to be interesting. Trying to be sexy, trying to be cool. People are waiting for people to be interested in them. And if you will put aside your ego and be interested in them, how do you be interested in them? Ask questions. The more questions you ask, the more. There's sometimes I'll sit down with somebody at some rubber chick or dinner banquet that I have to go to, and I don't know them from Adam, but I'll just start asking a series of questions, and I'll say hardly anything that night. They're talking the whole time they go away thinking, Matt Rick Warren, he's the greatest conversationalist there is. I haven't said hardly anything. I just got them talking. And I let them talk. Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested. The world is looking for people who will be interested in them. And so that's a real key. You ask questions. There's a verse here on the screen. Write this down, Proverbs 20, verse 5. It says this, a person's thoughts are like water in a deep well, but with insight, you can draw them out. How do you draw people out? How do you get people to draw the insights and the thoughts out of people? Ask questions. Learn to ask questions. You might make a list of good questions you want to ask and keep them in your pockets. When you're sitting on a plane next to somebody, you can think, well, what are those questions I wanted to ask. And you'll involve them. Be interested, not trying to be interesting. Okay? Let me give you a fourth one. We said, okay, be cheerful, be comfortable, be conversational. Number four, be considerate. That's what good friends are. They're considerate. What does that mean? Listen well and empathize. You listen and you empathize. Listen well and empathize. Everybody in the world is waiting to be listened to. And if you are a good listener, you're never gonna lack for friends. If you're willing to just get out there and listen to people, you will never lack for friends. Why? Because listening is loving. When I listen to you, I'm giving you the most important thing in my life, my time and my attention. I can always get more money, but I can't get more time. I've only got a certain amount of time in my life, and I've only got a certain amount of attention. When I give you my time and attention, I'm never getting that back. That's why right now you're giving me your time and attention. That's why I work so hard on these messages. I'm always thinking, I don't want to waste people's time because time is your life. Wasting time is suicide. It's killing your life. You're not going to get any more time. When I give people my attention, I'm giving the most powerful thing I've got. People say, you know, husbands say, I don't understand my wife and kids. I give them everything they want. I buy them everything. What do they want? They want you. They want your attention. Did you know that the average dad, latest study, spends seven seconds a day with his kids? That's not attention. That's why they're paying more attention to the screens. Seven seconds a day. So you pay attention. You listen, you empathize, you pay attention. James chapter one, verse 19. Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak. Now, typically we do the opposite of that. We're quick to speak and we're slow to listen. When you're in a friendship, you don't try to compete with your friend, one-upping them. Well, their story, well, your story's better and their tale, your tale's better and they did this, well, you did this better. That's not friendship, that's competition. but if you become a good listener, you're gonna have plenty of friends. Romans 12, verse five, 15. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. That's empathy. Do you know what empathy is? Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy says, I'm sorry you hurt. That's sympathy. I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy says, I hurt with you. That's the difference. Empathy is, I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy is, I hurt with you. Now, there's a third level beyond that, and that's to be like Jesus, and that's compassion. Compassion is, I will do anything I can to stop your hurt. And repeatedly, we find that Jesus was moved with compassion. I will do whatever it takes to stop your hurt, even if it means going to the cross for you. I will die. That's how important you are to me. But what I'm saying here is, if you're gonna be a friend, you're gonna have to learn how to share this. share some emotion. You gotta be happy when they're happy. You gotta be sad when they're sad. You gotta enter into their emotion. You gotta be empathetic. You gotta share their feelings. Now, look, Kurt's gonna come back in just a second, but I wanna pause here and say something to those of you who are parents who still have kids at home. All these relational skills that Kurt and I are teaching this weekend, they need to be taught at home. They're certainly not gonna be taught in a classroom at school. they need to be taught at home. And they need to be modeled and they need to be practiced. Where? It's called the family dinner. I know it's going the way of the dodo bird. Families don't eat dinner together anymore. And that why kids are lonely Because they haven learned the skills of how to take your turn listening They haven learned the skills of how to ask questions They haven learned the skills of how to talk as an intelligent person with an adult much less another kid. And I want to make a plea that if you're not having family dinners to reinstitute them, they're the best way to teach relational skills. All right, just best way to teach them to sit around, eat dinner together, and talk, and you take turns listening. You take turns talking, and it has to be modeled. It has to be practiced. If you want kids, parents, to have great friends, you want your kids to have great friends, you've got to do three things. First, you've got to model attention and listening skills. Like I said, eat dinner together. You've got to spend some time interacting in conversation, not seven seconds a day, and you've got to be willing, this is a tough one, to transport your kids to their friends. Now, if you're not willing to take your kids to their friend's house or not willing to bring the kids to your house, don't complain when they're talking to each other on a screen. If that's the only way they can get together. Because you're not willing to let them have face-to-face connections. So it means a sacrifice. I had to sacrifice some of my kids, some of my time to let my kids learn social skills. But that's what's called being a dad. It's called being a father. Now, if I'm always looking at a screen phone as an adult and my kids see me doing that, well, I can't complain that they're always looking at it, whether it's a video game or something else. Don't blame them for not having friends if I don't help them make contact with anybody. They can't drive themselves. so there is a parental role here now Pastor Kurt is going to come welcome him Pastor Rick likes to kind of use a different analogy he talks about people are like clams and every now and then the clam opens and it's only open for a little while and then it closes again and the skill, the art of being a parent really the skill of being a good friend having healthy conversations is recognizing when's the window open, when is the clamshell open, instead of trying to force things in when it's not a natural fit. Real quickly, let's add a few more keys to building healthy friendships. The fifth one is to be consistent. To be consistent. Specifically, you can be consistent by sticking with them in tough times. Stick with them in tough times. If you're known for being consistent, you'll be known for being a good friend. Proverbs 18.24 says there are friends who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Talking about consistency. Job 6.14 says a despairing man should have the devotion of his friends even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. Now if you're unfamiliar with Job, Job is a gentleman who had it all. And when he had it all, he had lots of friends and then the wheels began to fall off the cart, and he lost it all. And Job quickly realized that as he was losing it all, his friends were abandoning him. There was not a I am with you in this moment. There wasn't a consistency. If you're unfamiliar with that, there's an entire book of the Bible dedicated, and you will learn a ton about healthy friendships if you look at the life of Job. A sixth key to building healthy friendships is to be confidential. To be confidential. Don't gossip about them. Pastor Rick already hit on this, so here's my pro tip. Just a quick, short little pro tip is this. Your gossip will find you out. Your gossip will find you out. If you think you're gossiping in secret, you will become known for being a gossip. Your friends will figure it out, and that will hinder your friendships together. These verses speak to that. Proverbs 11, 13, a true friend will keep a secret. And obviously, just as a side note, there are times when a true friend can't keep a secret, right? We know that. But we're talking about those healthy confidences. When people are opening their heart and they're sharing their struggle, that's the kind of stuff that you hold confident. You want to be a safe sounding board. When somebody shares secrets that are dangerous or harmful or hurtful, that's a time where the best thing you can do is to break that confidence and not to hold that secret. Proverbs 11.13 says this, no one who gossips can be trusted. Your gossip will find you out, but you can put your confidence in someone who is trustworthy. A seventh key to building healthy friendships is to be candid. Always tell the truth. Always tell the truth. Now here's the thing, that is not an excuse to be a jerk. Some of the most hurtful words a friend has ever said to another friend is, I was just being honest. Why are you so upset? I was just telling you the truth. It's not an excuse to be a jerk. There's a verse in the Bible that says the wounds of a friend bring healing. So there will be times in a healthy friendship where you have to be truthful and that truth might sting a little bit. But when you're saying it in love, when you're saying the truth in a way that when the dust settles, your friend knows that you're still a source of hope, support, encouragement, you're filling their heart. The truth, even when it's hurtful, can bring healing and strengthen a friendship. Proverbs 24, 26, an honest answer is a sign of true friendship And then eight and we could summarize the entire message on how to be a healthy friend and how to build healthy friendships is simply this be Christ Be Christ-like. And one of the best ways for us to try to be Christ-like is to love them unconditionally. to love people unconditionally in a world that begs for us to achieve and to try to earn approval and to prove our worth when people know that you're somebody who just loves them for who they are they will be drawn to you and you'll have a chance to build some really great friendships Romans 15 7 says accept each other just as Christ accepted you all the research shows All the research shows that the antidote to loneliness, the primary antidote to loneliness is healthy friendships. Over and over and over and over again, the antidote to loneliness is healthy friendships. And the key to healthy friendships is to look at the model, and Jesus Christ is the model. Jesus modeled what it means to be a good friend. And when you can begin to love people like Jesus loved people, What you will begin to do is become a person who fills the hearts of others. So, where's the best place to learn the skills of learning to be a friend? Small groups. You need this to learn the skills of friendship. Let's bow our heads. As we close, let me just ask you a couple questions. Are your friends helping or hindering your spiritual growth? You know, dating the wrong person can cause you to miss God's purpose. Are you a great friend to others? Which of these eight building blocks that we just went through do you need to work on yourself? which of your friends do you need to invite to church? I want to close with one last verse, and it's John 15, 15, where Jesus says, I have called you my friends. Jesus has accepted you. Have you accepted him? If you have to say, Jesus Christ, I accept you into my life today. I want to be a friend of God. I want to be a friend of Jesus and I want to know your purpose for my life Father help us to be a church that's not just known as a friendly church but a church that's full of friends that we're friends to everyone that we love everyone but that our closest friends are those that strive to make us grow to bring out the best in us may we be best friends by bringing out the best in others. And may we choose best friends who bring out the best in us. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Hey, if you've just prayed along with Rick to accept Jesus in your life, Rick would love to hear from you. Just email rick at pastorrick.com. And now here's Rick to tell you about today's offer. You know, ever since the publication of The Purpose Driven Life, people have been asking me how they can teach their young children about the purpose of life. And they say, and I agree, that it's never too early to start teaching your children that they're loved by God and He has a purpose for their life. It's never too soon to tell a child, God made you unique so you could fulfill your special life mission on earth. And God planned you just for that. Now, here's the super good news. We have taken the principles that are taught in the purpose-driven life, and we've written them into short devotionals aimed specifically at children ages four to eight years old. Today, more than ever, kids at this age need to hear the message that they're not an accident. They need to hear, even before the universe was created, God had you in mind, and he planned you for his purposes. You were made to last forever. Now, this book is called The Purpose Driven Life, 100 Illustrated Devotions for Children. And it includes engaging illustrations and devotionals that speak directly to the daily challenges that all of our kids are facing. And as a way of saying thanks to you for your financial gift to Daily Hope, I want to send you a copy of the Purpose Driven Life 100 Illustrated Devotions for Children. This will be a great thing to give kids or to grandkids. And at the same time, your support continues to help us tell people all around the world about God's love and God's purpose for them. Be sure to request your copy of the Purpose Driven Life 100 Illustrated Devotions for Children when you give a gift to Daily Hope. Just go to PastorRick.com to get your copy of this great resource. That's PastorRick.com, or you can text the word HOPE to 70309. Again, that's the word HOPE to 70309. And we thank you so much for your support. It helps us share the hope of Christ with people all around the world. Be sure to join us next time as we look into God's Word for our Daily Hope. This program is sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.
