“I NEED TO BE PERFECT”

Hello? Hello? Hi, what's your name? Oh, my God. Holy shit, is this Lyle? Yeah, who is this? Oh, my God. Oh, okay, so... Oh, uh, so my boyfriend just used a fake name. But, uh, we were calling just because we're seeing what you were doing right now. Wait, I'm gonna put you on speaker, is that okay? Uh, it... Actually, no, can you take... I'd like... It's hard to be on speakerphone. because then it's harder for me to hear. But I want to talk to both of you. Don't worry. I'll have my time. What's your boyfriend's name? Oh, my God. Should we use a fake name? Jarquavius? Jarquavius. Okay, yeah. Okay, okay. Don't worry. Yeah, don't worry. I'll have my time with Jarquavius. But for now, I'm talking to you. Okay, yes. Oh, how are you doing, dude? That's crazy. I've never talked to you on the phone. I'm actually doing great I don't say things like this to people unless I meet them but you have great energy and I'm excited to talk to you I can tell immediately if I'm excited to talk to someone if they have good energy I feel like I got good dar for that I'm getting good readings from you you seem like a nice person I'm excited to talk to you I wouldn't say that if I didn't meet you I'll give you a fake name for me I think I will be I'll do Zelda Zelda What's your favorite one? Twilight Princess All the way That's a good answer Wait no I'm talking Hold on I'm talking I said Twilight Princess and he said lame We're the coolest interracial couple I don't care I'm Zelda okay what's your favorite Zelda wait first of all Zelda tell Jarquavius to shut the fuck up for just one second I will talk to him but I will talk to you first okay did he get upset okay no yeah he did okay I'm gonna go in the room okay wait we're gonna talk separately we're gonna do I'm gonna do my I didn't mean to upset Jarquavius cause he's yeah okay yeah oh no no no okay okay no okay so we're gonna do separate we're gonna do I want hold on I want I want to talk I want to talk to Charquavius he's just I just need to talk to you oh I know he's a yapper I want to talk to you for real quick just a real second because I know he's a star of the show and I'm not what hold on wait hold on hold on he's the star of the show and you're not what the fuck is that supposed to mean it means like he can like go on for hours and hours and hours and he's like such that doesn't and i love him and like he's so is this man holding you hostage in a basement what is going on no he's he's he's in the other room i'm in my room uh so i'm sliding doors for my room i have the master bedroom but he's in the other room and he's talking to our friend but he's he's like just like the better part of me but i'm asking you a question right now i want to know what your favorite zelda is hold on there's so much going on beneath this okay first of all i what dude what's going he's the star of the show by the way just by the way zelda just so that somebody who goes on and on and on and on and doesn't stop talking is not a good conversationalist i'm sorry no no i'm not talking about you i'm talking about jarkov no because you said because you said because you said a bunch of things you were like jarkovius is the star of the show jarkovius is better at this than i am and you're just i don't why are you discounting yourself zelda i told you at the beginning of this i'm excited to talk to you i haven't i'll have my time with jarquavius but i'm excited to talk to you i meant it so i don't want you to be down on yourself i don't want you to feel like jarquavius he'll have his moment but this is yours you know like he's not there's no star of the show well okay we'll have a moment right now okay yeah that's cool yeah i understand that yeah are you okay are you doing all right no yeah he's chill i'm just like i just got super excited i never talked to you on the phone we've met in real life but i just never talked to you on the phone and i've always tried to and so now i'm like freaking out and you did try to call me once and i missed the call and i feel bad because i messaged you a bunch of times and i was like you're gay if you don't call me back okay i was well and i feel bad i was i was i was wondering why i've been gay lately you're not gay but i i i'll tell you the prompt that what i think that why you called me back is because i i don't know if you remember it but it was like so long ago i snuck a full bottle of whiskey into a convention like for Comic Con okay and I was so drunk and I didn't answer your phone call but I knew it was you because it was from Philadelphia when you were still living there and I was like oh my god that's a fucking therapy get go wait hold on I I I okay hold on I have a lot of things to say about what you just said first of all you called me I think I know You called me. But then also, you said that I tried to call you once from a... There's no way I would have called you from a Philadelphia phone number. I haven't lived in Philadelphia in like six years. But also, this phone number, it's not a Philadelphia... If you got a missed call from a Philadelphia phone number, that was not me. And I don't remember this... Wait, what are you... That's crazy, because it could have had... It had to have been you. that wasn't me no because i okay maybe then it wasn't because i was at comic-con and i got a missed call and i messaged you can i say something maybe it was different okay can i say something real quick yes we've been on the phone for about seven minutes now zelda zelda we went on the phone for about seven minutes now. We've been in the past. We've been talking about Jarquavius. We've been talking about a lot of things. I feel like I still haven't started having this conversation with you right now. I want to. And I want to have this conversation. Do not do anything wrong. Okay. But I want to have this conversation with you because I feel like I still don't know anything about you. First of all, don't you wish that they would port Twilight Princess to the Switch already? Do you not like Twilight Princess? Do I not like it? Yeah. Why wouldn't I? I love Twilight Princess. I love all the Zelda games. How did you meet Jarquavius? We met at my friend's party in a backyard, but he just kind of passed against and he was like, oh, you he was like, oh, hey, what's up? And then he asked me for my Instagram and then it was fine. I gave him my Instagram, but you know, it was chill. How long have you and Jarkovia's been living together? We don't live together, but we've literally just had our six month anniversary and we've been chilling. Like, I'm in love with him. So, we're chilling. what do you love so much about jarkwavius oh he's like literally everything could ever dream of he's got the personality he's got like all the good looks and he we like i think my favorite thing about him is like we literally have like so much in common and like the same amount of humor and everything and it's like i can like just make a reference and he already knows it's fun that is fun what is your life like zelda um my life has been kind of weird i think i'm just like kind of learning how to be in a relationship again and all that but i think it's fine but i think it's honestly like he's been helping that a lot too and i think I've been in a lot of bad living spaces and I think I'm finally comfortable with a lot of shit. And, oh, he's signaling that he wants to talk to you. But, uh, hold on. Give me one second. Hold on. What? Wait, he said he wants to listen. I want to listen to y'all talk. Be real to him. Be real to him right now. Oh, he said he wants to be real. Oh, my God. Can I talk to Jarquavius for, like, one second? Okay, yeah. He wants to talk to you. Remember, you're Jarquavius. I'm Zelda. Remember that. Howdy. Jarquavius, listen. Jarquavius, I swear on my life. Unless if there are technical issues going on with this show, I will talk to you. I got to get in deep. I got to get in. But Jarquavius, you got to let Zelda have her moment real quick. I got to get into it. No, no, no. Zelda, come back. Zelda, come back. No, come back. Come back. It's a easy story. Right now. Oh, okay. Okay, but I will talk to you, Jarquavius, I swear. Okay. There you go, babe. Zelda. Oh. Okay, so you're relearning how to get into a relationship. Yes. How long were you single before you met Jarquavius? I think like two years, honestly. Okay, and were you in a long-term relationship before then? No, I think my last relationship was like really, really toxic. And close the door. Stop. I know. Close the door. Can you close the door? He's like getting concerned because it's sketchy. Because you're concerned about what? I don't know. No. No, my I just feel like my last relationship was like really like it was like fucked up because I think we actually did hate each other. Why did but with him? So why? Why do you think you hated each other? Oh, because we like argued all the time. And it was always like a I think to him was like a competition. and I think that he hated that I had more friends than him and that I always had something to do and then I was just more popular than him. Interesting. So why did you guys... But I assume it didn't start out that way. How did it evolve into that? It must have started out well enough for you to enter the relationship. oh well this we're talking about max right yeah yeah uh it kind of did i just uh well i mean it's like a long story but i had moved back into a city where i grew up in and i I loved it but uh my ex before that had gotten like really popular and like I just felt like super kind of like oh yeah like nothing really stood out to me because my ex before the ex that I'm talking about right now it just never really like felt like oh you're gonna be better than anything else i've ever had and it's like i'm not saying that shit shit hold on let me try to word this okay the x before that the x before that you were like oh i could do better by the way that's a complete by the way if that's how you felt that's completely valid and that's i could do it's a valid it's a totally valid feeling if that's how you felt yeah okay so here's how it is my ex currently i fucking hate his ass yeah and the ex before that it was like yeah in in the time being it was like oh this is the greatest person ever he showed me this he showed me this he did this for me and this for me but it like back then and i don't care and then like my recent ex who i hate who made me feel like a piece of and like did all these things i'm like ah so now i'm back to level zero but jarkovius is like literally the the one person who was like oh this person didn't even like do half the shit that any of my exes ever did they're just a person who makes me feel like a hundred percent like so loved so everything I don't even like like my past ex who I thought like I was in love with like took me traveling everything it's like he didn't take me traveling he's just like is in person and I love him and so I'm like holy shit I'm chilling but that's why I'm chilling Zelda Zelda let me talk to Jarquavius okay yeah I don't know what he said to you in that time but he is also really drunk and I I'm scared okay that what you just said that is such a red flag what is up dude no no no no dude no dude like i i know zelda are you okay like who is this like jacquavius he won't let us be on the phone together he's drunk and you're scared you know what's going on with jacquavius he's like no jacquavius is fine he's just like super like he's like excited he is excited he's like and i know he's gonna ramble but you got Okay, let me talk to Jarquavius. I'll just talk to him. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know who he's at. I think he's outside. I want to make sure he's in the room alone. You can be there when I talk to Jarquavius. That's okay. Oh, okay. I don't mind. Come here. You got to keep the cigarette outside. Come over here. No, you got to. Dude, who is this guy? Jarquavius. I went to die by the shark. Okay, wait. so i can put you in the speaker is that okay you can just give the you can just give the phone to jarkovius okay yeah okay you're jarkovius remember that i'm jarkovius but my dad told me that we he named us white names so we can get jobs someday so i use jarkovius as the counterpart to that but howdy how are you doing my friend jarkovius what's what are you doing right now I just got off from working a shift as a cook by myself Because everybody called out and it sucked And I got destroyed at my job So I'm with the love of my life that showed me how to smile again And play Final Fantasy and Pokemon And just be myself and not get bullied anymore Wow, she showed you how to smile again Tell me about that I'm considered some people say I'm a lotto or a white boy or red bone or yellow bone I'm too black for the white, too white for the black is that the term? Is that what they say? but just be yourself dude, it's okay to be yourself but not to judge you and this is the first person in my life that has ever showed me it's okay to be me. So I smile more. I shave more. I iron my clothes more. And I do more. I don't just sit in my room and play PlayStation all the time anymore. I'm happy. Life is great. I used to hate life. But life is beautiful. Why were you getting bullied? So, keeping it short, I was a military brat. We moved everywhere, every month, every other year. I was a kid that always ate lunch by themselves. So I had to learn how to adapt. I don't want to eat lunch by myself. So I have to figure out, I look at people for like one minute. There's got to be one thing I could look at somebody to say. We have one thing in common. So I don't have to eat lunch by myself. So I get bullied by my black homies. Like, you're a white boy. You wear skinny pants. and listen to Circus Survive and Anthony Green and fucking, you know, the Smiths. And, you know, you like wear Iron Maiden shirts and skinny pants and skater shoes. But then my white family or my Turkish family, because I'm Bantu, so Turkish, you're like, but you adapt to their white culture and this and that and da-da-da-da-da. You're not us enough. So I get bullied by my family for not being enough for both sides. When my parents divorce, they say, well, what's your daddy get you? Oh, he didn't get you that. And the other side is, well, what's your mama get you? Oh, they don't care about you. You little white boy, you little red skin. Or hit your skin so much. Let's see if you turn dark enough when we hit your skin so much with a ruler. Shit like that. Just bully mentality to make you, I guess it was to make me stronger, but it made me more emotional and made me want to latch on and love people more. How long have you been working as the cook? How am I working as the cook No how long have you been working as the cook I been working there for 11 years Wow I like the epitome of what Anthony Bourdain preaches It's like, you try, you cry, you live and you give. That's all you got. You're going to be okay. You cry and you may be an addict to a beer or crying and needing a hug, but it's going to get better someday. Damn, how you doing, Jarquavius? I cry a lot. But until I met this vessel of a... No, you're not Zelda. You're a vessel of greatness. You're my Pygmalion. I love Greek mythology. So you're the greatest stature person that I created in my brain that exists to me. Pygmalion? I miss my mom. Yeah, there's a story in Greek mythology. this dude like didn't have any like girls or anything so he made a statue the best sculptor and he made the greatest statue his like a renaissance woman and his vision and he prayed to the gods and afrodite he's like you know what i'm gonna make that statue you made and the image of your eye is the greatest woman ever real and as he was finishing that that that statue she came alive and said i love you and he said nobody ever said you love me and wept to her feet and I just want to be loved. That's all. And I met somebody that finally loves me and not ache. And I'm not going to get emotional right now, but I'm happy. I'm emotional and I'm not proud, but I'm trying my best. and I'm trying. Charquavius. I just, that name is so defiant. It probably was a king in like Liberia or somewhere in days before our existence, but I thank you for giving me the grace of even speaking to me And I pray and I wish that I don't bother you, but it's an honor to speak to you right now. Seriously. Why would you bother me, Jark? Why would you bother me, Jark? Because you have such an impact on the world, which you know or you don't know, but it matters because time is of the essence and your time matters. I'm a literal ant on this planet. I'm another cog in the wheel. Are you, are you, are you, are you, you're not implying that yours does not, are you? You said what? You're not implying, are you, you're, you're, would you say, are you not implying that your time doesn't matter, are you? No, I feel like I don't matter to many. I think that I exist And I'm there for people To either step Walk over me or Honestly I just feel like I'm the guy at my job That just makes everybody happy I'm the goober That's like No no no you're right I'm not right but continue what you're saying I'm just the guy that everybody says Oh you make us happy because you're the guy that dances But that's all I know is how to make people happy. If y'all ain't happy, I ain't happy. That's good. But I'm scared. Here's the thing. Nihilism is truly a scale issue. Because, I mean, think about the most impactful people on the planet. There's an amount of time forward that you can go. An amount of time back. an amount of time and space that you can go backwards to where they don't matter at fucking all. And similarly, there's an amount of time... If you want to stop being nihilist, you have to adjust the scale of time and space to fit where you matter. Is a nihilist the same as being a doomer for my understanding, for lack of my better words? because when I talked to my sister, she says, you're a peanut gallery. She said, you're a goober mentally. You're a Homer Simpson. You're a SpongeBob. You care. You try, but you don't matter. You're just another person that makes us happy to exist, but you don't matter. Yeah, but matter in what context? Do you matter in the grand scheme of the universe? dwells I mean yeah I mean yes I'll be honest hold on fuck you I'm gonna argue that you matter in the grand scale of the universe okay because the grand scale of the universe is inclusive of you're included in the grand scale of the universe you're a little brick in the grand scale of the universe, but you... But every brick in the grand scale of the universe matters. It's like saying, you know, it's like saying, how many bricks can we take out of this building until it collapses? Or, like, does this brick matter? And also, by the way, like, the grand scale of the universe is stupid. Like, when you get too nihilistic, it's because you don't want to live in the grand scale of the universe. Go visit. go and visit the grand scale of the universe you're not gonna like what you see but it's okay to return to the scale the scale of the universe of your relationship or your work or the person you're talking to in whatever moment and then in that scale you matter does this matter does everything matter at the end of the day like we we live and we give and we cry and we try but does at the end of this all when I have to I'm so I try to disconnect with the world I'll keep it quick I watch this shit with Trump and doing all this and that doesn't matter that means nothing to me but it does mean something to me because it's like wait evil prevails but good doesn't I have to pay taxes and do this and work you know like at what point do we win the small like the working class The people that tried, the people that, like when my mom tried to kill herself and I'm like calling her every day and she can't be at the hospital, so I can't call her every fucking day. I got to call her once a week because she's down with the mental ward. What is this purpose? When my eyes close, is it going to be like a long dream or is it going to be like just something, somebody that says, oh, wait, hey, there are other players. Hey, I'm John or whoever with the book. Oh, your story is crazy. You want to get in heaven? Is this like what is this purpose? What is my purpose? So I be good and people do me dirty and I still got to keep being good and I don't get it. Be good and still get shit on? Dr. Cuevas. Dr. Cuevas. I just you're when you start talking about Trump and Jeffrey Epstein and the life after death and all that stuff you're living beyond the scale in which you can't like when you look at a dog what can I control what do you control in your life you control your life right so how can I control my life you can you're in a relationship you're making i used to hop on trains i used to hop on trains and go to hardcore shows to be a punk rock dude and nobody cared about me my parents didn't care i met kids that say hey let's hop on trains and go to portland let's go to from from the fest in gainesville florida to richmond virginia and go see these fucking shitty ass hardcore and like i don't mean to ramble but i'm like i gotta keep it real So, like, that made me feel like I mattered. Okay, great. And it didn't. Hold on. What do you mean, and then it didn't? It didn't because now I'm not, I hate the fact that I have to compare myself to when I look at people on Instagram. And they're like, oh, we're in Tahiti. And we're in fucking Dubai. And that shit's lame as fuck. But what are you talking about? What are you talking about? I want to be great. I want to make sure that I'm, that I can take care of my dad and my, like, I just want to be perfect. Actually, in a grand scheme of things, I want to be perfect for everybody and myself. But I'm not. And it hurts. And it sucks. You want to be perfect? Yeah. I want to be perfect. Well, I have. I want you to accept me for everything I'm saying. You want me to what? You for everything you're saying? Accept me for everything I'm saying, my truth, and understand me. and feel me and say, you know what? I don't care what you got to say, but you matter, dude. Dude, hold on. First, you can't be perfect. That's impossible. Like, give that up immediately. You can't be perfect. That's insane. No one, you can't. That's good news. Because, by the way, let me tell you something. this is really good news you don't hurt nobody you don't you hurt nobody hold on to this jarquavis it's really good news you don't have to be okay you want to be perfect and then you feel like you're not perfect and that's causing you pain i will relieve you of your pain right now you cannot be perfect no one can be perfect so it's impossible to fail at being perfect it's like failing at like flying or something like you you can't physically do it so so relieve yourself of this pain of trying to be something that's impossible to be it's like if you said you wanted to transform into sonic the hedgehog i'd be like and you were you were like fucking driving yourself crazy because you couldn't do a ring dash you know because you couldn't fucking do a holding attack. You're the first person to ever tell me that. I thought that was my duty as a human. When I see an ant here and I spit on it and the ants go around to spit, they still got to perform their life, their duty. I was like, so my duty is to be a perfect human, but when I spit on an ant, their duty is to be a perfect ant, ain't it? But they go around that spit glob and my magnifying glass. I, I, I, I, I, I. And this, whatever this life and this existence is, it petrifies me. But for the one time in my life, I found somebody that loves me so much and that makes me be able to sleep at night. And just, everything is cool. It's easy. It's like water, like Bruce Lee says. You know, I'm sorry to ramble or cut you off. No, it's all right. What you just told me is I'm literally weeping right now. And I'm not embarrassed or ashamed, but it's okay. It's okay. I'm glad my heart's beating. Yeah. Are you okay? How do you feel? Life petrifies me too. Life petrifies me too, but that's because I'm doing... Every time life petrifies me, it's because I'm living in a scale that I shouldn't be in. What does that mean? I have a Homer Simpson brain. you have a fucking Stephen Hawking like some Palmer no you're like Palmer you're like you know who I look up to? Dial Hennis he's like to hold a light to a man's face is to see the truth like if you had to say this if I could ask you one question and keep it quick what is the definition of your life and your purpose my friend? what's the definition of my life and my purpose. I mean, it evolves. It's something I think about all the time. And again, it evolves, but I mean, I'm always figuring that out. I mean, I can give an answer to this question, but like when I say like the scale of my life is like once I start thinking about like you know once I start thinking about like oh no, the inherent reality of life is suffering and all this and any other thing, it feels stupid because I look at other because because because look if I've as a result of the conclusions that I've come to about existence I'm I'm really no different than anyone or anything else and I see like a 60 year old guy like eating a sandwich and I'm like well he can do it why can't I do it why can't I just kind of why can't if other I literally I look around all the time and I see people out in the world who are successfully bearing the brunt of existing and i said they're no different than i am so i'm like okay if they can do it i can do it you know no different than i am no different than i am no i see a 65 year old guy with like a baseball hat and he's like laughing and talking about something and i'm like he's and i'm like this guy's like way closer to dying than i am and he's not freaking out why am i freaking out how do you make it sound so simple for me to cry and talk to you about this like you have me i'm literally weeping right now but i understand that you you you make it easy for my ears to comprehend like what doth life what doth life dude i like like just be good and just get it done and just live and die like that like i i care so much about people and everything but i said people care about me people don't give a damn about me except for the love of my life that it was like dude you matter bro like you matter i know when you cry i know when you get goosebumps i know when you hear a song you love i know when you need a cigarette i know when you you hear this like ghost mice or like you know defiance ohio these punk like you know folk punk bands that make you feel the type of way they're doing the morrissey covered like like like it's okay dude like and i got your back and for the one time in my life i found someone that got my back and i'm sorry for uh like rambling and i'm like i i i i i'm sorry um i'm truly sorry for just being like bothering and taking your time because you matter and so many people want to talk to you but so many people want to talk to you. Jerkoavius, what are you talking about, man? You can't. How can you make me laugh and cry at the same time? This is amazing. Dude, what are you talking... Dude, you and Zelda, you and Zelda, you guys have this thing where you're like... I don't know that you're... Dude, both of you guys matter, dude. Both of you guys... Both of you guys matter, all right? I wish you could hear this because we're not on speaker, both of you guys have this both of you guys have this thing where it's like she was like oh I'm Jarquavius is the star of the show and you have this thing where you're like oh I'm not it's like you guys it's alright to you it's alright to exist guys it's alright to exist dude am I allowed to tell you can I tell you that I thank you and I love you like is that okay I love you too man it's alright like I hope like like I want me and my girl to be able to see Grand Theft Auto 6 come out. I want to go see The Odyssey. I want to see The Odyssey. I love Greek mythology. And all my hood cousins will be like, man, that's some white boy shit. I love Greek mythology. That shit's so beautiful. That shit made me cry. I wish I could see The Odyssey with you and hold your arm with my girl and just watch it. I'm serious. I'm so serious. and I found out guess what I found out two weeks ago I went into a diabetic shock I went into a diabetic shock and my girl saved me Zelda saved my life took me to the fucking ER and they said you're in a diabetic shock your heartbeat is sung to Hedgehog times 10 so it's nothing basically uh huh don't don't talk about about fucking Sonic well no we talked about Sonic but then okay but anyway are you a big are you a big are you a Sonic fan Oh, if you do Okay, Dave, should I nerd out? Yeah, let's do it I like Sonic That's not nerding out Saying I like Sonic No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no But you know what I love more than Sonic Sonic is, I used to get bullied for talking about Sonic Are you kidding me? Talking about Sonic Okay, so Sonic When I was a kid When I was a kid You ever got an ass whooping for not beating a video game on Sega Genesis? That's crazy. That's not a comparison. And I shouldn't ask that. That's such a shitty thing to say. Have you ever? No. I got my ass kicked for not beating. Okay. Go ahead. I got my ass kicked for not beating Sonic with my brother. So Sonic 2 came up. My dad said, I got this from the pawn shop. We're getting stationed to another place. We're leaving off at Air Force Base. We're going to another Air Force Base. And if you can't be good on the football field, the soccer field, or do this, or even play video games good, you're not good enough to figure it out. So we got good at Sonic quick until we got to Sonic 2. We got to the end and we couldn't beat it. We could never beat it when you get the fucking yellow. Like, we could never do it. And he's just like, never. I felt like he just was like, yeah, y'all niggas ain't shit. Like, until you beat fucking Eggman. Well, no, it's not Eggman, but anyways, we shouldn't go there. I'm so sorry, but Did you say something about Final Fantasy? Who your favorite Sonic the Hedgehog character Oh my God I got it Oh my God Babe I not a nerd Am I? You're not. I'm not. You're not going to make fun of me. I'm not going to fucking make fun of you. Seriously, dude. Okay, I love you. Okay. Okay, hear me out. Hear me out. I'm hearing you out. Eggman first. Eggman first. but knuckles is my favorite character of all time because he had hair like it not just because he had hair like me but knuckles did when i when we bought sonic 3 you see that cover that cover of the game and you see that the three fingers with the face who the fuck is that we had sonic one and two on sega we didn't we weren't nintendo kids oh no we're talking about sonic and you know sonic i got i i i be hiding this shit from people. This is crazy that you just asked this. I hide the fact that I love Sonic and Final Fantasy and Pokemon from people. Why? What's wrong with those things? Because you get bullied. I'm a grown ass man. Dude, I don't care. Dude, hold on. How old are you? 27. No, not 27. 37. I'm so sorry. I don't know. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Dude, I love... I love fucking Super Mario and Nintendo. I'm a fucking adult. I don't, like... Why is it bad that you like these things? You're not going to tell your peers that? No, why would I care? Have you ever been bullied? Like, you're so cool. Like, I feel like... Don't say that. That's dismissive. Just say you're so cool. That's extremely dismissive. No, but you do say... But you, like... Somewhere a lot... Traquavious, I can tell... Like you keep, dude, I know this is like a, this is easier said than done, but this is like a mental conditioning thing where like, I can tell that every time you say, you, you edit as you speak. I do. You edit as you speak. Oh my god. But you, and I know it takes a long time to unlearn it, but like. I adapt because I don't know how to be. But like, dude, it's okay to just exist as you are. It's okay. It's okay. It's really okay. I'm scared. I just want to be loved. What more is he saying? Just exist, man. I want to be loved. Bro, just exist. It's okay to just exist. It's hard to be loved. Are you loved? Can I ask you that? Are you loved? I think so. Why do you say you think so? You're amazing to me and to my love and to many people around the world. But to say you think, why do you think? I think, well, I don't, I mainly go to, when I think about like if I'm loved, I mean, I think about like, I think about like my parents and my friends and stuff. Do your parents love you, if I may ask? Yeah, my parents love me. Yeah. What's your favorite holiday with your parents where you can hang out with your parents for a holiday? Christmas. Me too. I wish I could watch the Griswold what is it National Lampoon with my family and your family together I'm so serious I'm so serious I'm so when I say I'm so serious like is there anybody that can cross paths with you someday dude I'm gonna have a dream later that would be so weird I'm gonna have a dream that my entire family and your entire family are like watching a movie together what movie did you say? Can we please? National Lampoon with Marty Griswold The Christmas Vacation or even my favorite oh my god what is your favorite movie? I need to know this this sounds like an event that will take place in the back rooms for sure you, me my mom and my dad who I don't know when the last time they were in a room together. Is there any way I could message you? I'm extremely serious. I don't think... I've wept. I've laughed and I wept. Jarquavius, I have to be very honest. I don't believe it's within the confines of reality that our entire families will get together and watch National League. Never say never. It might occur in a dream. Jarquavius. Are you still there? A dream is a spectrum. But guess what? What? When I told you I want to see the Odyssey with you, it took Odysseus, what, 15 to 20 years to get back home, and he still did it. He still did it. He still did it. Matt Damon's playing Odysseus. Can we go see – I hope you do a – you have to go see the Odyssey with me. at least there's got to be some way that the universe brings us together so we can see the Odyssey wait okay Jerquavius I have so many first of all I have a lot of things to say to you I cannot promise you that I will go see the Odyssey with you but I will say this Jerquavius you just mentioned the universe bringing us together the universe has brought us together I can't guarantee the future I can't guarantee the best we're together right now in this very moment Jerquavius you're already thinking about new moments The universe has brought us together In this current moment I'm yelling You're absolutely fucking right My eyes are literally watered up Together in this very moment I can't believe you're talking to me right now I cannot promise I can't promise If we'll see a movie later But we can be in this exact moment Together I will promise you I love Greek mythology you're like Hermes you have the Hermes of Greek mythology you have the wherewithal of your voice you're so Hermes you make everything easy you're like hey yeah you're swift you have the gift of gab you have the honor of voice he's just like a fat guy with a beard Hermes myth no we're gonna do young Hermes we're gonna do young Hermes with the tall arena which is the shoes with the wing and we're gonna do the hat the helmet wait Hermes is an olympic olympian deity who consider the guys are you thinking of dianyces you're thinking of chubby dianyces he is the protector of human heralds travelers thieves merchants travelers thieves and gamblers and all that liars all that voice talker people that have the voice your voice changes the world do you realize you could you're a nice You're a nice You're a sweet guy Jerquavius My eyes are watering Oh my god I thank you Thank you Jerquavius I feel like I'm on Molly right now Wait wait wait Are you on Molly right now You sound like you're on Molly right now Can I tell you what I'm on right now Are you on Molly right now You gotta guess. It ain't Molly. It ain't Molly, but it's white. It comes from Columbia. You're on cocaine right now? I mean, that's okay. It is Jesus' rebirth. It's Jesus. Really? I'm getting... I haven't done a lot of cocaine. I've done a little cocaine. But I'm a cook. You gotta understand this. I'm like the bear. We work in the kitchen. Work, work, work, work, work. And I'm not saying that's an excuse, but it happened to be one of those nights where it's like, hey, you're going to be on me. Okay. But emotions are there, and I got to be honest, and I love, and I honor you. And I'm like, you know what? Keep it a being. Keep it real. Thanks. I am. You remind me of like a protagonist from Final Fantasy, like the main character. Dude, what? Why did you do the main character? I'm from the kingdom. No, your main character is fucked. Dude, no, I'm not. Do you know in Final Fantasy there's a frog that... Charcovius, Charcovius. No, Charcovius, Charcovius. There's no main character. You're the main character. There's no main character. No. I'll never be the main character. Yes, you would. There's no such thing as the main character. You're the main character. You made me feel like the main character. Thank you. I'm the main character in my own... Actually, I don't know if... I was going to say I'm the main character in my own life. Which, actually, I do think at this stage in my life that is true. Actually, I was going to say – What is the purpose of yours? I want to know everything about you. I want to know what you want to have right now. Do you want a Corvette with a picket fence? Do you want to know what I want to have right now? I want to know this right now. Do you want to know what I want to have right now? I want to know this right now so passionately while I'm crying and tears are rolling down my face like Forrest Gump. I will tell you what I want to have right now. I want to have a life that feels really light. Hmm. I want to have a life that feels light, yet also... I want to have a life that feels light, but also quite full and productive. I would like to have a life that feels light, yet full and productive. I don't know if that's I'm I'm I've talked about this on the other podcast I'm so close to that I always feel, I'm so close but I also feel like I'm so far but I'm also pretty close you said light but when you say light do you just want to be away from shit? or not shit no by light I mean like like You ought to be left alone and shit. No, well, I don't feel particularly alone these days. But by light, I mean, like, I don't know. There's a lot of aspects of life that feel like heavy and feel like a great weight. You ever feel like a great weight of something? you just feel like life has a lot of weight you're like oh i'm always every day every day yeah every day yeah of course yeah every day and so but do you fear something when you say that it makes me get it gives me the impression for my little p homer simpson brain that's a little peanut and i hear that for lack of my better words it's like you're so great to me in mine and mine but But I... You have fears? You have sadness? Yeah, of course. Why? Why? Why? Yeah, think about this. The reason I asked you that not to be disrespectful... Yeah, I don't care. Go ahead. ...and I asked you why is because... It's so disrespectful to say. I believe in my brain that you've made... it or you're you made it to a point where you could cultivate greatness and cultivate it and cultivate it and grow and grow you've found a formula and a platform where it's appropriate and and and and rightful and honest you know what i mean it it's it's yours you know like uh brad said on uh troy it's yours take it i see what you're saying i know i see what you're saying i have a response to that i see what you're saying and by the way that shit has been like what you're what you're talking about has been enormously helpful i would never it's been enormously helpful but um it hasn't infinitely solved all of my problems or like gotten me away from the things that feel heavy about my life. Am I allowed to ask what's heavy about your life? I don't have the honor. And you know what? It's disrespectful for me to even ask what to take my hat off to you. What makes you... That's not right. What is your biggest fear? And I'll say this. I think that'll make me understand what you're saying, your biggest fear. It's my biggest fear? My biggest fear is being in the middle of the ocean in the middle of the night or in space floating. Those are my biggest fears. I'm going to go ahead and can I take yours? That sounds horrifying. That's the most horrifying thing I can think of. Yeah. Imagine being in the middle of the ocean. You're in the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the night just floating. Is a mermaid going to come touch my feet? I don't even know if mermaids exist, but who's to say they don't? Is it like it's the unknown? My dad and them say this. So imagine having a parent that prays to the East, which is Mecca, and another parent that is Southern Baptist, tambourine playing, soul shooting, snake holding, Kojic Christian, you know what I mean? So to see them debate what existence of the end is makes you wonder. So it's like, wait, y'all love each other, but y'all hate each other and debate about this. And I'm a kid. I'm like, damn. So wait, what is real? your God is not your God and your existence is not your existence so what do I do and I get fucked with and bullied and in the midst of all that I don't know what I'm supposed to do Jarquavius yes um Jarquavius I've really enjoyed talking to you I hope that this was a helpful conversation no this was an amazingly amazing conversation and i deserve to have your your and your your space and everything but i hope to see the odyssey with you or some movie with you i'm seriously when we cross paths when we cross paths we're gonna hop on a train we're gonna go to portland from somewhere to somewhere from phoenix to somewhere and we're gonna be train puns together thank you jerkoavius jerkoavius i'm rooting for you i love you i love you too man i love you I love you, Jarkovius. I'm rooting for you, Jarkovius. Jarkovius is chilling. I'm going to say bye to you two because I really love you. Thanks, man. I'm very glad you got to talk to him. Like I said, he's crying right now. But I'm very glad you got to talk to him. I think he needed that, actually. I'm very grateful that you've got all that out of them. Wow. No, I'm very grateful. I appreciate it. I appreciate you guys. This is sweet. This is nice. This is nice. Is he on MTMA? If you can blur any of the names in cities that we've mentioned. Sure, we can do it on Instagram. No, yeah. But I've met you, and I've talked to you and we're gonna see you on tour. Oh, cool. Oh my god. If I fucking... I'm excited. I don't remember names, but I will remember Jarquavius. Jarquavius. Okay, yeah. I won't remember. This is the rare phone call where if someone came up... Okay, so sometimes someone will constantly be like, I'm Nick do you remember me and I'm like no but they'll be like I remember me we talked about this or whatever and I'll remember but this is the kind of thing where if you this is the kind of thing where if if Jarkovius comes up to me and says I was on a lot of drugs and crying and we talked I'm gonna be like I actually don't remember that conversation we've had a lot of those but if he says to me I'm Jarkovius I'll be like I totally remember so it's the reverse of that situation. Oh, no. I definitely know that. I like talking to your baby. I like talking to your baby. Yeah, I know. No, yeah. Take care of this young man, alright? Take care of this young man. Let this young man take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. I just want to let you know that I love you. Love you. Thanks, man. And I listen to you every— And I have your plushie. Oh, thanks, man. Love you, dog. Plushie hard. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. You guys have a good one. And we will be seeing you. Yeah, me too. Thank you for the talk. Oh, my God. And you'll—we'll be at the show. Okay, cool. I'm excited to meet you guys. All right, cool. That'll be interesting. Obviously, you know what city, but if you could blur out our names. And I'm pretty sure he said his real name and one of the things. Okay. All right. We'll keep Zelda and Jarquavius. Yes. Thank you. Okay. All right. All right. Love you, dog. I appreciate you. We listen all the time. I listen all the time anyway. Thank you, guys. Thanks. Good night. Have a good one. Love you, Lyle. Good night. Good forever. Bye-bye. That really felt like I was on Molly for the past hour. Give it up for Jarquavius. Give it up for Jarquavius. Give it up for Zelda. Jarquavius really kind of came in mythologized. Because for the first 20 minutes, we only heard murmurs of Jarquavius. We heard descriptions of Jarquavius. But we didn't really get to meet Jarquavius. And then we met Jarquavius. We talked to him for about 40 minutes. And we learned so much from Jarquavius. We connected with Jarquavius. We saw some of ourselves in Jarquavius. And it was a wild ride. It was a wild ride. Thank you again Jarquavius Thank you again Zelda Hey folks welcome back to the podcast It me it Lyle the gecko guy That was a very, that was an interesting call. That was an intense call. That was an enjoyable call. I'm curious what you guys thought of that call. Let me know in the comments. I read the comments. Shouldn't read the comments. It's not good to read the comments. If you have anything that you do on the internet, or rather if you just live your life, you shouldn't read the comments. You should just live your life. But I do it anyway because I have ADHD and I need hits of dopamine at all times. And when I see that there's a comment on something, I get a little thing and I read the comment. And then that takes me into another thought loop spiral thing. It's a whole thing. Whatever. Make a comment. I like comments. I'll read comments. Even if you hate me and that's the comment, I still want to read it. I'm still curious. But I shouldn't be. I should just live my life. Anyway, I'm here because I'm going to do Gekmail. I'm going to end the episode by reading just a couple of viewer mail things. And if you want to send a viewer mail to possibly be read at some point, You can send one to therapygeckomail at gmail.com. If you sent one already, like, if you sent one, like, four months ago, and I still haven't read it, send it again. Let's see what happens. But anyway, let's read a couple GECK mails to send us home, huh? This is from Chris, subject line, starting a Beyblade community in my city. GECK, one of the greatest lessons I've learned from your podcast is if you want something, you have to go out and get it. Nice. It's this lesson that pushed me to contact a local game store to see if I can organize a Beyblade tournament. I just want to thank you for pushing me to come out of my comfort zone and to let everyone who liked Beyblade as a kid know that it's back and better than ever. Gak bless Chris. He sent me a photo of himself with a tattoo. Oh, I wish... Chris, you're giving me blue balls with this email. I want more information about this Beyblade tournament. Do you do the Beyblade tournament, or do you just reach out about it? Send me another email, Chris. Give me pictures of the Beyblade tournament. Tell me who won. Give me some more information on this, Chris. I want to hear more about this Beyblade tournament. It sounds awesome. I used to love Beyblades when I was a kid. And apparently they are bad. That's the thing. is like the world people are getting so existential about um the fate of the world that we're all regressing back to our childlike states and getting really into things like beyblade which i think is kind of sick uh all right this is from alicia subject line scared to live in a school bus hi lyle me and my husband are about to step way out of our comfort zone and enter a new life of adventure that we've always dreamed of. We're doing this by renovating a full-sized school bus to live in and leaving behind the island that we both grew up on to travel the country. It's exciting and awesome, but it's starting to scare us. We haven't finished the bus yet, and it will still take another year or so to do, but it's going to cost us at least 80,000 Canadian dollars, probably more like 100,000. We also just had our first child, and it's beginning to set in that we will be removing him from the community that we've built and moving away from both of our families to live a life of uncertainty and be broke lol but we're doing it um i wanted to email this to you because i thought you would appreciate that we are taking the leap and getting out there in the universe um we also need all the encouragement that we can get because some days we get so incredibly nervous and worried about the insecurity and potential danger that is out there in the great unknown, especially the closer we get to making it happen. Thanks for reading this. If you do, maybe I'll update you someday on how it goes. Um... Okay, I have thoughts about this. My automatic thought is, by the way, I don't know, I appreciate that people are sending me emails saying that they're getting encouraged by the show. I'm glad that the show has encouraged people to do things, but I do think that it's good to... I like being cautiously optimistic, right? So, listen, you just had a kid, so that is a huge financial commitment. it's also kind of a thing where like uh i mean look i'm not one to tell anyone how to raise their kid i feel like me personally i'd like if i had a kid at least like i mean at least at a certain point in their lives i think a kid kind of needs like a stable environment and a stable community to be a part of like you know i would have fucking hated like i like i don't know like It's one thing to move. I don't know how old your kid is. It's one thing to move around kindergartens or whatever. As long as your kid is there on the first day of first grade until fifth grade. And then maybe they'll make friends. Everyone's going to go to the same middle school. You want to create a stable environment for your kid. but if this is something where it's like we have a kid and we know that doing this school bus thing is not going to financially bankrupt us from taking care of our child and we also know that like we'll hang out and like dick around for like a year we'll still be able to take care of our kid this that the other thing then okay but let me but I don't I don't know. I mean, live your life. I think if you didn't have a kid, this would be a lot easier, I would say. But like, okay, you're spending $80,000 Canadian dollars. What is that in real money? USD to CAD. Let's see. That's about $57,000. so basically that's the amount of money it would cost for you to like put a payment down on like an actual house um no I'm gonna be totally honest I don't think I fully I don't think I fully sign off on this I don't think I fully sign off on this because if you're gonna have a kid like it's one thing to like be fucking like broke and like dick around and it's just you but like if you have a kid you want to kind of have savings and make sure that the kid's in a stable environment and stuff so I don't know if this is a good idea I'm not saying that also like why I have to be honest at least a lot of this stuff doesn't make sense to me right like okay you wanna okay a lot of this stuff doesn't make sense to me for a lot of reasons. I mean, whatever. You already started building the bus, so none of this matters, but these are just my thoughts. If you have never left your hometown, you can do it for less than $60,000. Right? Like, go on a vacation, rent a bus, move to a different city, but like, I don't know about spending all 60 grand on the bus. I mean, maybe this, right? Let's say your kid is like fucking... All right, how about this? Here's what I'm thinking. How about this? Your kid is like... If he's less than one years old, when does he start like kindergarten? How old is a kid when he starts? When do kids start kindergarten? okay five alright take the kid to fuck around the country for five years but then when it's time for kindergarten like he's gotta be in a real place you know and also make sure that you can feed the kid like I don't I'm all for I'm for full sending it on certain things but that's a lot of money to throw into this bus I just hope you thought about I just hope you thought about the decision before you did it. You know. I want to clarify. I'm for taking leaps and getting out there. But I don't think... I'm not automatically for... I'm automatically for taking a leap and getting out there that doesn't cost $60,000. We are very nervous about the insecurity and potential danger that is out there in the great unknown Yeah, I don't know I don't know if this is the best financial decision or best family decision but it could be, I mean whatever you had the bus, so you already did it so you're doing it I hope it works out I mean, you can always sell the bus if it doesn't work out. Yeah, whatever. You can sell the bus if it doesn't work out. Sorry, this is probably not the response to this email that you wanted, but these are my gut feelings about this decision. Whatever. It'll probably work out. You guys, listen. If anything, a great Instagram page is going to come out of this, and that's what really matters at the end of the day. we're gonna get a great instagram page of you and your husband and your kid and like a bunch of you can you can put um sponsored links to like uh fairy lights and stuff that's all that matters good luck alicia let me know how it goes message me again in five years and let me know if it worked out i am curious okay this is from i feel so bad i know that woman's gonna read this or listen to this and this won't it's not the uh response she wanted but those were my gut feelings okay this is from sam we'll read one more thoughts after my first big solo trip hey geck you can call me sam i'm a 22 year old college student who just solo backpacked around southern Spain. Before the trip, I was nervous to go. It felt like a big experiment. This was not my first time abroad, but the whole idea of being alone for two weeks gave me fears of feeling lonely and isolated. But I was wrong. I quickly learned that solo traveling in hostels is the easiest way to be introduced to new waves of interesting people. It's so easy to start up a conversation and learn about a fellow traveler. I'm writing this email to convince anyone in the audience to try solo traveling in hostels. I like to think listeners of Therapy Gecko are inherently interested in other people, and I personally loved wandering around beautiful Spanish cities during the day and hearing people's life experiences at night. That's all. I'll see everyone around the universe. Thank you, Sam. Okay, see, this is an example of a full send that I completely am on board with. Listen, you can stay in a hostel for like, you know, less than 20 bucks in a lot of places in the world. I'm all for a $20 full send. I'm less for a $60,000 full send, but I like where Sam is coming from on this. I think, um, yeah, well, that's, that's how, that's kind of how I first got in. I mean, my, uh, my whole thing of, of the gecko is like, you know, running around and connecting with people And a lot of that really first started for me when I was about a little younger than Sam doing solo backpacking shit and staying in hostels and talking to people. So I think that's a great way to way to connect with other folks. You know, I'm totally on full sending getting over fears of being lonely. And also you shouldn't even be afraid of it. Like when you do solo traveling, like being lonely is part of it. I try not to do... When I was younger, I really liked solo traveling. I'm a little over it now. But I'm happy I had those experiences. Because they made me... I feel like they had a good impact on my life. They're definitely part of what made me interested in exploring the world. And connecting with people and stuff. So, I'm with you, Sam. I'm glad that you had a good experience doing that. I highly recommend. if you have the means to do a little solo hostile travel. Okay, should we do one more? Should we do one more? Okay, this is from... Subject line, finding connection in the mundane. Hey Lyle, I got tickets for your show in Vancouver and I'm excited to see it. If you read this on the pod, please call me Jamie. Oh, fuck yeah. Thanks for coming to the show in Vancouver. I'm excited for that. That'll be in, what, June, I think? That'll be sick. Okay. Lately, I've been on a mental health kick. Finally, at 26 years old, I'm accepting that maybe I didn't have a great childhood and certain events have had a larger impact on me than I originally thought. Between my therapist and your podcast, I'm glad to learn I am not alone in my struggles and things will improve with time and effort. Fuck yeah. Loneliness seems to be a big problem for a lot of people, myself included. Connecting with other real humans can be hard sometimes, but you can find little bits of human connection in the day to day if you keep your head up. You don't even need to speak to have a connection. I have an example from earlier today. I planned to spend most of today inside my apartment cleaning alone. I was feeling sad thinking about being alone all day while walking down the 11 floors of my apartment on my way to throw out some trash. When I got to the ground floor, I saw another guy also holding a bag of trash. We were both wearing flip-flops with no socks, cozy pants, jacket over a t-shirt, and a baseball cap. In this moment, I felt a little less alone, and I smiled. Maybe later I'll take a walk to the grocery store and talk to the cashier about the weather. God bless Jamie. Thank you, Jamie. I'm not going to go on a – whatever, maybe I'll go on a rant. But, you know, I used to be really, really lonely too. If you want – I was so lonely that Vice made a documentary about how lonely I was. If you want to go – I was thinking about that the other day. Yeah, if you want to go on YouTube and search Therapy Gecko Vice, they made a video about me. And a lot of it is just me talking about how lonely I am. That was a few years ago and things have changed because I've gotten better at figuring out how to be part of a greater community. I don't shut up about it on here because I just feel like it's a problem that a lot of people have that I just feel like I've experienced and have found an answer to. because like I don't know you should you should try to find the connection in like your day-to-day life but you should have you should have some kind of like rock solid core foundation of community or like other people who are like recurringly in your life and there's a lot of different ways to do that by um you know joining some of the scenes or communities that exist wherever you are um so I hope you're able to do that Jamie in addition to um making eye contact with the other people who are throwing out the trash. I think that was a decent GEC mail. I hope it was. I hope the person who's buying that bus figures that out. I hope they're going to be okay. Let me know what you guys think about the bus in the comments. Let me know about this. Write stuff in the comments. I'll read it. I want to know what people think about the bus in the comments. I want to know what people think about all the emails, all the callers, all the everything. That's what the comment section is for. that's it for the podcast folks please go to therapygeckotour.com I'm coming all over the place I would love to see you guys at these shows go to patreon.com slash Lyle forever if you want to get ad free episodes of the podcast and get bonus episodes of the podcast I'm still working on my travel documentaries I'm going to keep making them all year I've been having some hiccups I'm like so close to having a well oiled system of getting everything out there. But my Ukraine video hopefully will be out by the end of the month. And then I'm working on some videos here in Japan. I'm thinking about going to Somaliland. Does anyone know anything about Somaliland? I don't really want to go to Somalia. A lot of the point of these videos, not like the point of all the videos, but like with the Iraq thing it was like going to a place and being like hey there's like cool stuff here with Somalia I feel like it would be no this place is adequately as dangerous as people say it would be but Somaliland I heard is like a different kind of place so I don't know if anyone knows anything about Somaliland let me know that's how I'm going to end this podcast uh okay thank you guys Gak bless see you next time This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.