Fiasco! (Part Two)

You can drink your fancy ales. You can drink your mind wagon. I've got these references. But the only brew for the brave and true is brewed at the green dragon. Hi, and welcome back to Worlds Beyond Numbers Fiasco. My name's Erica Ishii, and I'm supposed to be doing this intro. Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan. I'm funny. I'm Lou Wilson. I'm not doing this bit. That's exactly what a brain would say. I'm not doing this bit. Hi, everybody. I'm Erika Ishii, and welcome back to the second half of Worlds Beyond Numbers Fiasco Game. Brought to you with stunning visuals. If you remember, last time our adventuring party was on their way up to heaven, I am playing a disgruntled elf named Francis Macadorma, who is at this moment a daughter in the Trinity, in the unholy Trinity ruling hell. Abrea, why don't you reintroduce your character? Well, hi. That's not her voice. Oh, boy. I'm Purell. Oh, yeah. We got it. We found it. There we go. Fargo. We did it. Fargo. I'm Purell. I am the mother in our unholy Trinity and my ex-husband Dave's in hell as my eyes look ever skyward to heaven. I'm Bark Harmblin. I'm a dwarven man who's about to be married in a May-December relationship where we use marriage to teach adventuring, but I'm also a warlock of the guy who used to be the devil, but now he's not the devil anymore. Now he's just a man who can't stop looking like a boulder, and my enemy Dave and me fought inside of a fish inside of another fish, even though Dave was in the fish that got eaten, and I got eaten by two fishes in a row. I'm his wife, Leif Harmbland. I am one third of the Trinity that is the devil. I am desperately seeking to take my husband back from Heaven Incorporated where he has been taken. I also will at times play Dave, a man who wants to kill Bark Harmblund for undisclosed reasons who also made a pact with the devil and is Purell's ex-husband. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I also had a pact with... I also tried to... I sold my soul to the devil to save my ex-wife before she died. And I think I sold my soul to the devil after hearing about the devil or hearing about Jesus at my wedding where Leif Harmblund, the other character I play with this voice, had her father die and then refuse her love as he was sucked up into heaven. I also play the guy who used to be the devil, Jesus Christ, and your dad, Howard. And let's be clear, Jesus Christ is sort of actively trafficking a dead dwarf into heaven right now. He has rocket boots. He has rocket boots. And hard, fast love. After a very normal act one, our players have drawn several cards to help move our story forward, for better or worse, before Act 2. Let's review those now. That's right. Good tilt. Paranoia. Two people cross paths and everything changes. What does that mean? We play to find out. Bad tilt. Mayhem. A dangerous animal's on the loose. Why? I have an old ally polymorphed into a toad with whom I have a sentimental connection that we have yet to speak to. The disgruntled elves have a mighty need to be heroes by defending the little guy. We have a location also from the past, a cave holding hidden treasure, if you still have the map. Ooh. Ooh. So, cave holding hidden treasure, if you still have the map. So it's like, if we lose the map, the treasure vanishes from the cave? I guess. Sick, Schrodinger's cave, all right. Oh and of course, this all is under the gun because that story needs stakes and I'm looking at the wrong camera and the stakes are that the wedding is happening at the next full moon, which is tomorrow. Ooh, that's close! We had discussed that previously. No we did, it was a month away. We discussed it now. Well next full moon means as much as a month away. Okay. I mean, hold, no, no, no. Like cut in where we say we've got a month. Or our wedding, which is at the next full moon. Less than a month until the big day that you've been waiting. It's happening at the next full moon. That means we got less than 30 days to plan this dang wedding. Because we said it a couple times. Unless it's a blue moon, in which case it happens twice in a month. I do think we had a month, but we're dealing with hell and heaven time. Oh, you're right. Which moved very differently. And we'll cover this in world, in canon, very soon. We'll release a huge map of just all the lore you need to keep up with. This takes place in the same world as Interstellar. Yeah. Watch it. Watch it? Watch it. Me watch it? Yes, you watch it, yeah. Oh, because Interstellar was really good. Love is the only observable force in the universe that we have no explanation for. Everyone's got to watch it right now. That lady was so creased that her dad went to save the planet. I'm about to go sicko mode. Erica, wrap up this fucking intro and start the fucking game. All this and more on our game of Fiasco. I think under the lava skies of hell and the blood clouds as they rain down, I think Leaf takes a moment here at the Central Park Ice Rink having watched her betrothed who is 300 years older than her be sucked up into Heaven Incorporated desperately wondering how she's going to get him back remembers an old friend an old ally polymorphed into a toad who might still be in hell and is going to move in the direction of where she believes he is. Ribbit. Ribbit. Eve, is that you? Oh, old ally. Fred? We're by the Pethesda fountain, by the way. Which is a devil going right there. There's a stream coming from the devil going blah, blah, blah, his mouth. And underneath in the splash zone of that devil's blah, blah, blah, water is sitting a little toad. A dingo comes out of nowhere and kills Frey. He says a dangerous animal gets loose. Fred, wish to be alive I wish to be alive A third of Fred's body comes back Which third? The one with the mouth Long spine heart is all you need Yeah, exactly I'll take the important Truly the bare essentials For an existing being Appears in Leaf's hand as the wild dingo thrashes with Fred's former body. I'm in so much pain. I understand that, Fred. I understand. Fred, it's so good to see you. You need something, leave. I do. Your old ally, Bark, is in heaven. So I'm going to keep you in this kind of... I understand you're in deep pain. I'm nothing but a nervous system. Brother, I get it. I get it. And you are loud right now. But you got to understand, I need to get my husband back before our wedding. And given the nature of how time works in hell and heaven versus on earth, I think my time is short. Leaf, every time you try to approach the dingo holding Fred in his mouth, he kind of does the pause forward and wants to play. But we'll not let you get Fred. Jesus. All right. You have to toss Fred. Okay, Fred, go on. I toss Fred. The dingo goes and gets Fred. Shades him like he's up. This is unimaginably painful. Fred, I get it, all right? You were, hey, you were Bark's ally, not mine. You just got to give me the data I need. How do I get into Heaven Incorporated and get my old husband back? Well, I'm glad that you came to me because all you have to do is take your crowns and click them together, and I know that because, you know. Oh, fuck, one second, Fred. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goes and gets it, brings it back. So do it. Do it and release me from this unimaginable pain. Fred, I never asked. Who polymorphed you into a toad? It was your father. My father, Howard? Yes, Howard was the best, actually. Being a toad rules. Even in this weird, partially alive state in the mouth of a dingo? But this one's more your fault now, isn't it? I think the dingo at this point is now just sort of like paws down, eviscerating Fred. All right, Fred, as you die in this moment, I don't know if your death is kind of worth anything, but I'm gonna go click my crown with my other two, one friend and one fucking mortal enemy who's kinda growing on me. I'm gonna go click my crowns with them and see if I can get my husband back. Have a beautiful wedding. Friend! A dingo howls with you. Is that the dingo's how? Yeah, they do. You can. I'm going to give you a positive outcome. A positive outcome? Yeah. Leaf sprinting across Central Park in hell, running toward her one friend, one mortal enemy, crown in hand, clink them together! Clink them together and we'll go to heaven! Man, you've got to try it with relish. Yeah, okay. I smash my crown in the space between you two as you bite into that hot dog simultaneously. I wish I was in heaven. And scene. Great. We're going to go to heaven. Bark is here. And so is Howard. and I think that as you guys arrive in heaven Howard is going to turn paragliding and go, Francis Oh, Francis Oh, hi there, Howard You enjoying your paragliding? It's perfect There's thermals as far as the eye can see Oh, good So you forgive me for, you know, putting you here? Oh, you want to see something? This is called a hard landing Ah! Oh no! Two boots, bam, right into Francis' chest. You killed me! You killed me, Francis! Dad! Leaf, my daughter, my sweet daughter. You're so happy here. I'm so happy to be in the light of Christ's love, a vastly superior love to anything I've known before. I've known before. Oh, it's so good. That's the good stuff. Hey, question for you. Did you know that Francis killed me? Yeah. Why didn't you get revenge? Aren't you in heaven? Well, you see. Wow. Yeah, I didn't explain why I killed him. Yeah, I've never known why it happened. I thought maybe you were the aggressor in this situation. I had mentioned to Francis that her graphic design work was a bit P.U. What are you doing? What the fuck, Francis? Maybe Mr. Christ can look at my portfolio and he'll know better than your father. I'm going to go get him. I'm going to find him. I'm going to go look for Jesus Christ. When the devil said that your portfolio was bad, that was a lie to protect your feelings. It's not true. you're a bad graphic designer Jesus H Christ where the hell are you who wants a steaming hot mouthful of love hold on I like this till two people cross up Wow Jesus you are so tall and strong and brave I would love a steaming hot mouthful of whatever holy communion you've got. Get ready, here comes a piping hot patch of love. Am I supposed to watch this or should we leave the room? No, no, watching is a part of it. Okay. Uh, uh, Chris is going to just float down What? Oh You're the one who killed Howard Yeah That's fine, he went to heaven Right, that's what I'm saying I'm going to fuck the Lord Killing someone who's bound for heaven is almost a favor Think about that for a second Look at that, that's great Huh? Huh? Purell What's that? How you doing? I'm doing fine, better now Yeah, you want to go do something unholy in the corner? Oh, I'm kind of the devil The devil? Wait a minute We're all one third of the devil I'm one third of God Catholicism was right Form of Trinity Do we get up? We could Voltron I dive bodily at leaf What? You are subsumed Into me We grow three feet taller And have a second set of arms Amazing I high five the first set of arms Listen, I know we've had our differences, but can I get in on this? I guess you did my dad a favor. Oh, you guys are in for it now. Dad! Bio-Dad! Come to me! What's that, son? Hey, Dad! Jump into my chest! All right! Bio-Dad! Hey! I'm right here, too, son. It's the Holy Ghost! All right, now you're in for it. It's my dad, God, and my bio dad, the Holy Ghost. Who's positive outcome was this? I don't remember anymore. This one's for you. Okay, yeah, let's throw it to Francis. Okay, I have a positive outcome. Normal. That was so normal, guys. We're going to cut away to the wedding. where the wedding planner and a bunch of the caterers and other associated parties who are helping to put on the wedding are all struggling to figure out what to do in the absence of bark and leaf. Mrs. Biggins, I'm so sorry. I've got 30 cater waiters kind of waiting in the back. Are we, do you still want us to load in? I see that the bride and the groom aren't here. I think they said I knew that they had an adventure, and I think we're just going to proceed as if the wedding is going to happen. Perhaps the adventure is matrimony. Perhaps the adventure was love. So I think let's just keep, the chicken taters are here and hot. Let's just prepare like everything is going to happen according to plan. Do you think they'd want top hats? What's that, old Jim? Do you think they'd want top hats? Old Jim, sorry, I can't hear you. Old Jim, you're screaming from across the room. Please walk a little closer, old Jim. Do you think that they need... Right now, you're close, but you're whispering, old Jim. What's going on? Oh, okay, let me... Project. Okay, let me... Do you think that they would want top hats or a variety of hats? I don't know, old Jim. You're the hatter. Any hat will do. Milliner. I'm sorry. I just want to clarify. It's not millinery if you're making them out of napkins. What if there are napkin-based people that wish for napkin-based hats? Oh, God. PC culture has gotten out of control. Old Jim, you make the hats you need to make. I will make do. Hey, I'm sorry to bother you guys, but if someone doesn't play with this skee-ball set in the next minute, I'm actually allowed to go. Okay. If you don't play with it in the first 15 minutes, then we don't have to stay. Okay. All right. Do you want to play with it? Did you know the professor doesn't show up in 15 minutes? No, it makes perfect. You don't have to explain it. We all understand exactly, inherently, what that means. You know what's funny? I tried to pull that off in high school, and people got really mad at me. Yeah. And I said, isn't this a universal rule? And they were like, oh, we don't, like they got genuinely so upset. Anyway. So I'm gonna go play with the skee ball so that doesn't get taken back. But I really, I hate to be a stickler about this. The money, the invoice for the chicken taters. They have to pay for the wedding. They have to. And apparently you have to pay for it before you start the wedding. God damn. We see in the corner there's someone wearing half, from the left side of their body is a wedding gown and the right side is a tuxedo, holding a little stripe, a little square on their iPhone being like, someone has to pay for the wedding. I'm the wedding bursar. I'm ready to charge someone's credit card on my phone. Yeah, of course, hey, they are almost here. They're on an adventure. And as soon as the adventure ends, they'll be coming in and they'll be paying. It's almost 15 minutes. I'm allowed to go home. All right, can I pay you just a little bit? Yes, sure, $4. Okay, well, can it be any amount? Can we negotiate? How about a penny? You can also pay 10% of the wedding cost. I feel like you are just giving options. I want to give you options. I think this is a negative outcome. I love skeeball. I think for the wedding planner. Or you can pay with your very soul. All right. $4, 10% for your very soul. Do I have to pay cash? Going once. Do I have to pay cash? Going twice. My soul! My soul's going into the square. My soul's going into the square. Where do the flower arrangements go now? Oh, congratulations. Chicken taters. Is it all right if I have one, even though I'm the wedding bursar? No, go ahead. Oh, that's very hot. Let's go back to heaven. and I think this is the team meeting for the devil Voltron on the inside as we try to figure out what our tactical plan is going to be as we fight the father, son, and holy spirit okay okay Fargo thank you yeah so we're all here inside your body Leaf great it's lovely in here what the fuck is our plan Well, Christ pointed at us and said, On the morrow, when the thermals are at their highest, we'll battle to the death, and only one of us will win. So, I mean, win, I guess. It's true. We got to, I think paragliding is our friend here. Oh, 100%. You know who used to be really good at paragliding? Howard. Howard. Yeah. Who you killed for complaining. And he's here. Yes, and you gave him a gift. Sorry, I'm still working through that. What if we absorb Howard? And become what? Some kind of quad, quad humanoid devil thing? There's no rule in Heaven Voltron that says you can't have more than three people inside of you. I mean, it might just be crazy enough to work. Did Howard die? Oh, we did. Oh, you killed him. Yes. I did. I stabbed him. But, you know, heaven rules. Yeah. I'm sure he's just out there screaming. Yeah, he's going to respawn somewhere. Oh, there he is. Yeah. In that field over there. Welcome to super heaven. Oh, fuck. He's in super heaven. God damn it. We got to get up to super heaven now. My wedding. What about my wedding? Fuck your wedding. We got to get your dad. Fuck my wedding. I punched myself to punch you. Ow, that hurt both of us. Yeah. We cut over to the god mech. Wait a minute. They're punching themselves. It must be some secret strategy to winning. Dad, bio dad, punch ourselves as hard as we can to beat them. The question is answered. Could God punch himself so hard in the head that he killed himself? The answer, yes. taking his own life and triggering the suicide quad. God shoots straight to hell. This is a positive outcome for Pirell. Oh my God, thank you. Because as we see inside of Leaf's holy quad, unholy quad, our unholy quad wins by default. But even more importantly than that, the suicide clause was triggered and that's Purell's favorite Christmas movie. I think we've also become God in heaven now. Wait, what? We are God? Yeah, if God dies in heaven, the person that's sort of responsible for becoming God becomes God and that's the three of us right now. You see that all of you start to slowly change into Santa Claus. And scene. Right now, Bark is on a Venetian gondola, looking around going, I think I got turned around. No, no. I forgot. You are right where you are supposed to be. I think I'm supposed to be getting married, but I might be dead. It's your arrival. Hey, man. Hey, sorry. Venetian gondola. What's up? What's up? Giacomo. Giacomo, can I talk to you for a second? I thought it was in a piece. Giacomo is here. Oh, excuse me. Giacomo, Giancarlo, Maribeta. Hey. Listen, I've had a big old day. Not so bene! It is always a big, beautiful day. Que bellissima! In heaven. Well, that's my question. First of all, I always knew because of the holy, eternal city of Rome that heaven would be geographically next to Italy. It makes perfect sense. Oh! See, we can justify. It still makes sense. Look, here's the thing. I'm supposed to be getting married. Look at my watch. Wait, I gotta get married in the next 10 minutes. Oh. I killed myself to trick my friend Dave into going to hell. Sorry, my enemy Dave, but we're sorta pals now. Any case, I think the devil's not the devil anymore, and I think that my betrothed is a new third of the devil. Please, my Italian friends, help me get my devil friend from heaven. so that I can get married. We need to call in our friend Dante. He would know how to do this, going up, down, super heaven. No, Dante is an idiot. We need Virgil is what we need. Oh, sure. Wait a minute. Dante and Virgil? Those two plumbers who know how to travel through pipes? Si, si. Si. Hey, but do not call their cousin. Wave it. Wave it. He is a larger David than a very bad guy. Positive outcome. Positive outcome. Great. Well, we'll get Dante and Virgil. We'll jump through those pipes, and we'll be back in our land of myth and adventure in no time for me to get married to my true love, Leif, who I miss. It's a real hangover situation. Mamma mia! God, I love the hangover. And sing. We're offending everyone, and this feels so right. These kind of three arcing storylines, it feels like. We've got try devil now God. We have got a hangover adventure through the pipes of heaven to get back to the wedding on time. And the wedding planner has no soul. Yeah. Within heaven we see Purell, Francis and Leif merging into a trinity, six-armed, six-legged, 800-foot-tall Santa, a crown of fire and sprouting horns wreathed from his head, the light of God at his fingertips, a perfect unison of all divine and profane energy, a master of this new domain. and you are so late to this wedding. Here comes Santa Claus. Oh, what are we going to do about this? We need to get to that wedding. I'm never going to fit in my dress. I mean your dress. Where's your groom? Oh excuse me Very pleased to meet you new god I St Peter I guard the pearly gates I love to help you get to your wedding on time And by the way, let me say, I absolutely hated the old guy. I hope that we get some new, exciting management directions around here. You betcha! Looking out for the little guy is what we need to do! Well, I think you should, and I'd love to get into all the big questions. Wentz, evil, various theodicies, etc. But for right now, I'm afraid you won't be able to fly. It's much too foggy here with all these clouds. Well, how the hell do we get through the clouds then? I didn't even know we could fly as Santa God. Santa God devil, Mr. Santa God devil. Are we canonically a lady? I don't know. All three of you individually are ladies. Whoa, no. You can talk to all of us. Peter, you can see that we're three separate beings combined into one turbo clause, God. Oh, you don't know how to access your new... Listen, to manage the list of who gets into heaven, you have to be able to see into people's souls. Reach in. Reach into your heart and feel it there. Tense up like you're gonna shit or barf. And you'll feel within your heart a fool. Wait, St. Peter, shut the fuck up. I feel something. St. Peter, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I got it. No, you're talking when we say shut the fuck up, which inherently means you don't understand the command shut the fuck up. I see your mouth. You moved your hands like you were gonna talk. You are ready to speak, St. Peter. I reached into my heart and I felt... What is this accent? I reached into my heart and I felt heartburn? But I only get that when I eat too spicy a meatball. Italy. What could that mean? Peter, shut the fuck up. Dude. Leave. Hold on a second. No, no. I'm sick and tired of this guy. I swear to God, you asked him to do something. He refuses to do it. Okay, I understand. I'm sorry, I'll do it. Shut up, Peter. God damn it. Holy shit. Can we smite people? Can I smite you, Peter? Yeah, you can smite me right now. Do it. Hit him in the keys. I'm thinking about, oh no, because I think he's going to have some way out of it, so I'm going to smite him just right. No, I don't. You'll kill me right away. No, no, no. Can you die if you're in heaven? You go to super heaven. Yes, you don't want to go to super heaven, isn't it? Please kill me. Yes, I knew it. No, we're bringing you with us. Dang it. And you're going to be our shepherd through heaven Italy. Fine, follow me. It's a long journey from heaven to Italy. You're going to have to walk a quarter mile that way. Well, lead the way, little guy. God damn it. I almost got killed by the new lord. Got sent to super heaven with the noninity. It's a nine person trinity in super heaven. It's fucking crazy up there, man. I'm feeling like this is a negative outcome for St. Peter. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll take it. Yeah. I think it's a negative outcome here for Purell, devil, god, Santa. Yeah. I think we're following St. Peter, but the closer he takes us to heaven, Italy, the worst Purell's heartburn is getting. And she is gassy. She's uncomfortable. I think she's kind of going through menopause inside of our Voltron Santa Claus god devil. And you all get to feel that now. Enjoy the hot flashes. What's happening? I'm so... God, I'm so sorry. What's this flop sweat? I'm not feeling good right now. The closer we get to our destination, the worse I feel. I feel like I'm just walking into or out of a buka de bepo. Jesus. Wait, are we Jesus now? Which one of us is Jesus? Well, I didn't get to fuck the Lord. Come, my child. I was trying to. Don't have to tell me twice. And scene. Scene. So right now. Don't have to tell me twice. Gah. Gah. Gah. Okay. Games are good. This is what Logan wanted when he created this, right? I think I'm realizing deep into my heart, I took these cards as like a personal challenge. Yeah, we did. And I was like, oh, we're supposed to get crazy. We were supposed to get Buck Nasty wild. We're doing it. This is what we do every time. Every time. It's a story prescribing game. I'll set a scene in the cave. Cool. Dante, Virgil, you two are so good at running through pipes and solving mysteries. Here we go. Woohoo! Yay! Woohoo! Amazing. Wow. Classic dwarven adventurer Dante and Virgil. Let me go to this crystal cave filled with treasure. If I have a map, I'm going to reach into my pocket. My map, is it still here? Is it? I think it's a positive outcome. My map, it's still here. Yahoo! It's you, the map! All right, you two crazy Italians. Help yourself to some heaping handfuls of treasure. I think the moment you touch the map, a beautiful rainbow road appears out of the cave. And instead, in lieu of taking any treasure, Virgil, who is definitely the Luigi in this, just hops in, skids out, and then zooms out of the cave. Rainbow road. Wah-ha! I think in this moment, Bark, you do have a memory far off in the back of your mind of Leaf going, How are we going to pay for this? My dad. I mean, we'll ask my dad. But how are we going to pay for this wedding? Wait a minute. The wedding? My poor sweet betrothed that she was so worried about how to pay for it. We're here in this cave filled with treasure. It's a miracle. I know what I'll do. I'll use my gun to kill the wedding bus. And we've got all these go-karts. Wait, a rainbow road? The Bifrost. That's the road from Norse mythology. I'm a dwarf. Christ and the devil, this is not real. The Vikings were right. That's the actual cosmology. We need to use these ancient Viking go-karts to go on the rainbow road. Dante walks up and back hands you. Gah! Oh, I'll use the treasure to pay for the wedding. Oh, okay. And I'll kill the wedding person for fun. Got it. I scoop treasure into my bag. I think the Santas are headed to Italy. Yes. Right? Yeah. Okay, is that where, and I guess the rainbow road. We see the rainbow road. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa, here we are in Roma. It looks just like I've dreamed. I'm not doing the voice anymore. I'm fucking hot. Can I get some ice chips or something? Oh, your feet are getting hot, little lady. My feet have been hot. Peter, can we get some fucking ice chips or something? Yeah. Buonasera, mi amici. Can I get three gelato for my friends here? Si, si. I know this tiny little one-foot-tall Italian man. He runs the best gelateria in Venice. Oh, gratia. Gratia. Do you need a hand, little guy? No, no, no, no, no, no. I love his... Oh, Bambino, please accept this gift. You've been so good this year. Que cosa? Oh, Santa! Se Papa Noel! Se Papa Noel! I love his little backhoe he uses to get the ice cream. That's really cool. God, isn't Italy just the best? Una gelato? Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. Scratchiatella? I just assumed everyone wanted scratchiatella. Actually, can I get the pistachio? And one pistachio, my friend. Pistachio? Pistachio? Hold on. Is everything all right, little guy? No! Everyone, shut up. Hold on. Hey, shut up for a second. No! Hey, God, shut up for one second. This little one-foot-tall Italian man's crying. Tell me, what's wrong with the pistachio? There's a nice pistachio. I'm too small. I can't reach the trees. We have to cancel the wedding. We can't. We can't. Hey, shut up. Listen to me. Your wedding's done. St. Peter has found his voice. It's a Christmas miracle. My voice. The voice of St. Peter. Listen. everything up to this point has been bullshit. Nothing matters more than giving this one poor tall Italian man his batch of pistachio ice cream. No. No. No. Pistachio. Well. No, I just got this. She's my name. What's your name, little one? Alessandro. Alessandro. Alessandro. Listen, you can send me to hell. You can send me to super hell. You can send me to super duper hell. There's a third hell? 27 parts, super, super devil. But I will be only too glad to suffer in eternal torment if I can get little Alessandro his pistachio ice cream. Everything up to this point has been leading to the conclusion of this story. Hey, so I just remembered that we're disgruntled elves and I think we should maybe kill St. Peter. Would you do the honors? He's somebody's father. Oh, I'm going to stuff your stocking, St. Peter. Huh? Huh? Oh, no. I think this is a good moment for Erica. I think this is a positive choice to stand up for the even littler guy than St. Peter, the little pistachio man, or little gelato man, Alessandro. Alessandro. Even though St. Peter wanted to do what Alessandro wanted, it actually turns out there's some super fucked up shit that St. Peter was going to do. St. Peter was making it about him. Yeah, he was. Oh, you punched my head off. I was going to use this opportunity to buy a controlling steak in Alessandro's gelateria. I had bad and nefarious ulterior motives. I'm fucking dead. Why don't you open your gift, little one? Bambino. Little bo. I just want to be clear. I think he's a grown man. He's just short. I fully forget how this character was talking three minutes ago. Yeah, I'm a grown man. Well, open your gift. It's a pistachio farm. A tiny one. Hi, are you our new owner? We're in a lot of debt. You watch how you talk at the moon. We did it. We did it. It's a Christmas miracle. And scene. You watch how you talk at the moon. We pick up at the bottom of the rainbow road, Road, which as Alessandro, Tiny Alessandro, was asserting his dominance over the pistachio farm, we backed away slowly, accidentally hit the Rainbow Road, and slid all the way down back to the world, and we are back on Earth. Okay. Oh, ho, ho, we're back on Earth. Just in time for the wedding! But we're still three people in one bottle. Dearly beloved We are gathered here today What are we gonna do? To stall for three minutes And three minutes only We have three minutes We have to separate ourselves But how can we do that? I don't know Get out of my body Alright, I'm gonna do it And I take My sword The sword that is lighter than air And I poke a hole in the top of us And I float out Oh look at us I got my own body again don you know Are you sh- I mean, okay. Come on out of there, Purell. No, I know. Okay, just last time, you and me, I just want to double check. Yeah. Are you sure you want to go through this? We've been so much. We've become so much. We were both the devil and god and santa and real estate brokers i think a little bit we were and i think in all of that what i've realized is that whether i'm the god whether i'm god the devil santa or you know empowering a really small racist italian man he was racist we just didn't see it you could tell He was racist. You could tell. Whatever it is we're doing, the only person I want by my side is the person who contractually or culturally and contractually obligated to marry. And that's Bark. Did someone say go-kart? And I'm going to pull up in a go-kart lugging so much treasure. Beautiful bride. Oh, hold on. Let me just get out of there. And I'm going to climb through the hole that I guess you trepanated out of. Let me get. You watch a woman climb out of your hole. Oh, my God. Boy, howdy. I'm like Athena. Fully formed. Hi. How you doing? Blood brothers. Hey, blood brothers. Hey, that didn't come up too much today, but that's okay. Yeah, you know, it's sort of just family. Family. Family. Hey. Hey. I don't have friends. I found all this treasure. Oh. Wait, to pay for the wedding. A beautiful bride deserves a beautiful dowry. We've been all throughout this place. We've been deep underground, wind tunnels and cave fish, all the way to hell where you became the new devil, all the way to heaven where you became the new god, all the way to Italy. Wait, did you see that part? I kind of lost where we lost track of each other. I've been on a text chain with some people that have been letting me know what's up. And what I learned from all of it is this. Sometimes our friends put pressure on us to experiment with drugs and alcohol. What? But it's always the cooler option to say no if you're not comfortable. Oh, yeah. There's a right time for everything. It's not uncool to be a virgin. It's not uncool to say no to drugs. That's something I believe in deep in my heart. That's why you went to hell when you died. Do a little bit of drugs. That's fine. A little bit? Like a little bit. Really? Yeah. Once you're married to me, you can do all the drugs you want. Bellissima. What's that? Is that a little pistachio ice cream? No, that's Strachiatella. Who had pistachios? That's me. This is a positive outcome. This is a positive outcome. then on that high five I grab your hand and pull you close and say you don't have friends you have family let's get married scene yeah dearly beloved we are gathered here today there's so many skee-ball noises to celebrate the union hey can we hold on the skee-ball just during this part holding on skee-ball Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Bach Homblin and Leif Homblin, joined together by cultural custom for the purpose of sharing adventuring knowledge and expertise. Are there any here? Chicken tater? Chicken tater? Chicken tater? Can we hold on the chicken taters? Like, give us, we're gonna, like, our vowels are gonna be short. If we're doing chicken taters, can I do skee-ball if I'm being really quiet? No, we're not doing either one. We're holding on both for just a second, guys, and then everyone can eat all the chicken potatoes they want. We got so much treasure, we can pay for everything. Okay, but what about skee-ball? Purell! Chill! You can continue. You may now kiss the bride. What about our vows? All right, can I read my vows? Yeah, to yourself. All right, let's grab this jalapto! I'm a mother of a daughter. Alessandro, my man. Hello. How's the pistachio coming? Oh, I'm a mother of a daughter. Honey, honey. I love blood nuts. I want to hear your vows. You do? Yeah, I do. Bart, when I first met you, they told me this man is going to be your husband, because that's the way we do it down here. And from that moment, I was a little scared. But as we went through our 10-year engagement leading up to this day, I realized that you had the adventuring knowledge that I wanted. Because you have been on an incredible adventure called life. and I I am also on that adventure and I am excited to learn the way you have always been a great listener an awesome travel companion and you have the best taste in corny jokes one of my favorites that you always used to tell every morning was was the one about the cornflakes. I waved the fly away. Where you would say, what's that in my cornflakes? And then I would say, what is it? And you would say, it's a kiss for you. And then you'd kiss me gently on the forehead. Park, stop playing with the mouse. It was these kind of quiet mornings that made me realize that you are exactly the kind of man I want to wake up with every day. You're dead. Excuse me, I'm talking. You're holding on skee-ball in time of death. You are the kind of, you're exactly the kind of man, was that, was somebody skating? Please stop. You are exactly the kind of man that I want to wake up next to every day as I learn to adventure that I might one day marry another person and teach them to adventure as you have taught me. You are my rock. I am your river. I love you. Yay! And I finished the necromantic ritual to bring him back as a remnant. That was beautiful, honey. Oh, thanks, Bart. I can't feel my skin. Hey, you always have my back. Well, if this is a wedding, then a wedding needs a reception. Get those chicken taters. Everyone come congratulate my beautiful wife. And hey, wedding bursar, eat leg, bitch. Celebrate good times. Come on. Act two is now over. Each of our players will tally up their outcome cards to determine the aftermath of our beloved heroes. An epilogue to our misadventures in heaven, hell, cave, and Italy. Frances tried her best all throughout her life to stand up for the little guy, to, you know, do right by her friend, question mark, leave. But in the end, was sent to hell. And there, met with Frank Lloyd Wright. Presented him with her graphic design catalog. And first of all, he went, I'm an architect. Why would I care about this? But it looks terrible. You have no sense of unity in your lines. You use Comic Sans too much. and crushed. She spent the rest of her days mourning by a screaming frog and the Bethesda fountain. For Purell, Inferno, Paradiso, one place left that we didn't get to go to, Purgatory. Purgatorio is where Purell spends the rest of her life and her afterlife, having successfully done a necromantic ritual, binding her from heaven and hell alike as she puppets Bark's body through a tumultuous and frankly athletic wedding night and the rest of their wonderful life together. Somehow, at some point, Dave's ass showed up and it became true purgatory as she was locked in sort of neutral marital bliss forever. the end. Also, not enough pistachio ice cream. Bark spends the most beautiful, joyful, incredible 18 and a half days with his wife before passing on to hell with one L, the Norse realm of the dead. And he goes, I knew it. Bifrost, the Norse gods were right all along. It was a fugazi. They put up in a mirage of heaven and hell to cover for them while they went to Italy and robbed the Bellagio Casino. It was a heist by all the Norse gods. That's what the story really was. Flashback and you'll see secret scenes all along the way. Secret scenes. There were secret scenes Stop hitting the table dude And Bart goes I hate doing this job with you Now that's the Italian job After 18 and a half Of the greatest days Of her life Having I don't know pretty decent sex With an old man Puppeted by by a disgruntled elf. Leaf's life falls apart. The zeal and thirst for adventure is gone. Leaf realizes that perhaps the sense of adventure that she felt and that she pursued was perhaps barks all along and perhaps that was not something they shared. but it was just something that uh that bark was able to give her and that she could not find in herself um she feels deeply and truly broken inside um and like that's what it says brother it's straight up what it says uh she feels truly uh broken inside and spends every day wondering living in the material plane, wondering if she should just die and go to heaven, or even if she went to heaven, would the rules change? What is existence? What is life? She spends the rest of her days... Leave! She spends the rest of her days contemplating what it means to be alive while gently eating racist pistachio ice cream from the littlest one-legged Italian man in the world. And Alessandro's incredible. He is racist and thriving and rich. It's a... It's a... It's a... It's a bella vita. Thank you so much for joining us in this, our biggest fiasco. We hope you've enjoyed a little, a little Suissant of video content. We appreciate you so much and getting to get together here at the beautiful Dynasty typewriter to play silly games and make each other laugh too much is our greatest joy and gift and we thank you for that. So, and until next time, we see you by the fireside. A hoo hoo, a crackle crackle. And let's all say it together. A one, a two, a three. It's a Bella Vida!