Durag and the Deertag Ep. 302: Pixelated Logs w/ Tubs

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, shut up. It's the dude, what? In the deer. It's the dude, what? Hey, that's on my podcast. That's my dad's favorite saying is, uh, you go, uh, something about like, like an obvious thing. It'll be like a, it'll be like, yeah, like a one-legged duck, or like a one-legged duck swimming in circles. That's what he said. Yeah, that's an old, that's an old saying. You'll ask him, that's what it is. You'll ask him something. Welcome back to the pod, everybody. Durag and Deer Tech. Come joining us. You'll ask my dad something obvious, and he'll go, does a one-legged duck swim in circles? That's it. Hell yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Tubbs had me take seven shots before the pod today. Yo, I'm not driving back to fucking Flower Town to come back to Port Richmond, bro. That was your ultimatum. I said, hey, are you still good for the pod tomorrow? He said, eh, six is a little late. I was like, that's as early as everyone else can do it. I was like, as long as you come drinking with me, bro. I'm the only unemployed guy. You're the only guy that gets off before six. And, yeah, I had to drink with my boy. I get it. I had an office day today, bro, so I had to go in, take care of the office, handle some business. I took a little nap. It is funny. When I originally told you I needed work, like, four years ago, because you posted something about how your office lady had just left. And I was like, well, I'll just do that stuff. And you were like, no, no, no. That's girl stuff. That's girl stuff. Take this fucking pickaxe and make big rocks into little ones. But, yo, that's it. The office girl. I was happy you did. The office girl now, she's like part-time, right? So she comes in like as needed. You know, we just pay her cash. That's exactly what I did. So we had to put her on that Drew shit, you know? So now, like today, I ran the office. So I go in. It's Monday morning. I got a ton of shit to do. And then, you know what I mean? Like I said, you know, everything peters out. I went and got an omelet, fucking hung out for a minute. Then I took a little nap on the couch, dude. I got the most perfect, like, what was the porn, the casting couch and shit? I got, like, V couch in my office, bro. Like the black leather, John. You know what I mean? So I posted up in there. Casting couch is my favorite category. Yeah. Well, depending on which one. I don't like an obviously fake casting couch, but a backroom casting couch. That's the one. Yeah. That's just fucking 19-year-old sluts. You see the new shit they're doing? where they tell them random bulls that you get to fuck bitches on the casting couch. And it's just like, they setting you up on Instagram. And it's a prank? Yeah, then you get there. Oh, fuck, dude. Why didn't we think of that? That's so good. And then you get there and there's just a bunch of niggas like, ah, you freak-ass nigga. Fuck. Dude, every time I hear an idea like that, I'm like, we're fucking idiots. It was right there. That was right in front of our face. Fuck. That's so good. Because you could just set your friends up to do that. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I'd be pissed, man. I'd be like, we at least got to fight, bro. You drug me here. I can't remember pussy. He motherfuckers. You at least got to try to beat me up. Yeah. From now on, I'm bringing the gun to the casting couch. Yeah. I wouldn't go to no shit like that without a strap. Not never. Yeah. I would obviously go to it without the gun. Here's the thing with the casting couch is they interview you for a little bit, and then they make you strip on camera. And if you pull the gun out on camera, that looks crazy. Yeah, that's crazy as hell. I got to trust going into the casting couch. Yeah, no. I ain't going to no shit like that without a strap, bro. I don't even get in an Uber without a gun. I got the gun on the casting couch. That's crazy as shit. I don't even get in an Uber without a gun. Also, male casting couch I don't think has ever happened. Usually it's just a girl, and they're like, have you ever done anal? And they're like, sometimes. They're like, once, it kind of hurt. And then it's just a guy behind a camera being like, we'll do it right. I'll show you how it's really done. but that's the whole porn games upside down now like you think about it back in the day it was all just blonde bitches with big fake titties it was like a type now it's every chick you could imagine and the casting couch is like a pioneer of that like that was the first time i was like okay i saw this bitch in the supermarket now she's taking yes right i saw i mean that's how only fans started with the casting couch this is gonna sound crazy and i i'm hoping she was an actress i saw porn recently this wasn't a couple days but like within the past month and uh a casting couch backroom casting couch her name was leora and uh the in the interview because you know i'm an interview guy which is crazy i don't watch none of that talking shit let's get to the action i want to find out if you've done anal before and if this is the first time i'm gonna come faster you know what i mean but in the interview they asked her how old she was and she said 18 and then they said... You gotta turn that off. Yeah. You gotta turn that off. They didn't say 17. Bro, there's no such thing as an 18-year-old bitch, bro. 18-year-old bitches do not exist. They said... You 17 or you 19, bro. Ain't no 18-year-old bitches out here. You crazy as hell. It's a trip. 15 or 19. That's it. That's crazy. I had a full fucking monkey grip on the thing at this point. So what do you want me to do? I was treating it like a banana. Yo. Yo, and hold on. No way you meet this big, bro. You tripping right now. He said I had a full monkey grip on it. That's the biggest banana I've ever seen. That's the biggest banana I've ever seen in my life. No way you meet this big, bro. What are you doing? We want me to do this. Yo, what are you showing off for? Go like this, bro. I had a full monkey grip on my thing. You got to go like this, bro. First of all, bananas aren't this big. So find something in the middle for me if you're going to do that. But I agree. This is nuts. This is crazy. It's not so the can. Who do you think he is, bro? It's not that. It's also not this. Can we be honest with each other? All right, yeah, we can be honest. But you can't go this extreme, bro. This is wild. What the fuck? I think that big's a curse, though. Yeah, right. You deformed if you got there. I don't have that. We're good. We're on the Internet right now. Let's be cool. Is this not the place to be cool? That's too cool. This isn't people seeing my actual penis. Yeah, so I had a monkey grip on the thing. This is crazy, bro. What the fuck you doing? Two-handed monkey grips crazy. You got a lighter? You never get a good blowjob with a dick that big, dude. It's impossible. I get enough to make my bitches eyes water. That's all you need, bro. My dick's the perfect size for getting good heads. That's all you need, bro. That's your job. She put it on me out front of the house the other day. Got a little drunk at the cigar bar like a weekday. Kicked the chair all the way back right in the driveway, bro. Little mama down. Nice. I hear her gagging up there. I'm like, I'm doing my job. Yep, there you go. Yes. As long as I hear some noises. And it's not because it smells like shit. It's because my dick's big. It's not because I've never washed my dick. I'm a twice a day shower guy. I'm a plumber. Yeah, but you've never also. This dick's always clean, bro. Yeah, but have you ever, like, fingered the inside of your thigh? Like, between your nuts? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean. Like, between your nut and your thigh, and then smell it? That's a stinky place. It smells insane. No, when I was, like, 12, 13. It smells like wet cockroaches. Yo, right. Bro, when I was, like, 12, 13, that's when that smell first kicked in, bro. Yeah, yeah. And I remember just smelling that shit all the time. I'm like, oh, what the fuck is that? And why do we smell it? Why are we, like. Yeah, I don't know why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's like, yo, this tastes like shit. Try it. We almost had to. Yeah. smelling smelling is the only sense we do that with like if if somebody was like put this worst sounding shit up to your ear like true taste my fucking pubes they wouldn't do it yeah if it's like smell this ass you're gonna do it you know what else you do it with seeing if i see a super ugly bitch i'll be like oh yeah of course sometimes you can't turn away from yeah you know disgusting things yeah true um wait no let me finish this before i sound crazy 18 year old porn star but this is only going to sound worse for me but in the interview part they said what do you do for work and she said I'm still in high school oh come on bro and you were still watching that shit I paused it for a second and then I did the math and I said I graduated high school at 18 she's like it's a March birthday get the fuck out of here bro she a Pisces that's crazy yo And they made her do anal for the first time. So it was good. It was good stuff. I ain't even clicking on shit that says teen or nothing. Me neither. I don't click none of that shit. Well, that is the hashtag I use. Bro, you bugging. No, the hashtag is big tits if I'm clicking a hashtag. I don't search out teen porn stars, but backroom casting couch tends to cast younger women. Whenever they throw the teen word out there, I'll stay away. Yeah, I'm all for that. I can't watch that. It's never in, I mean, sometimes it's in the headline, but they just said, this is the headline that got me first anal. What am I supposed to do? Okay. First anal, I got to see that. I don't even like watching an anal, though. I don't watch anal. Yeah, I don't like watching an anal. It's like watching a baptism. It's like, I got to see it. You know what I mean? It's like the first time. Nah, bro. I can't do it. See, we don't, at home, we don't touch buttholes. Like, we don't do it. We don't go there. I don't even know where my butthole is, dog. Like, what time, yo, what time I, like, sprained a shoulder and I had to, like, I couldn't. I couldn't pin the towel on the donkey on my butthole. I just only with toilet paper. Like, I don't touch that thing. I don't go near it. You take your shit, you start wiping your back. Yo, I'm sorry. You start wiping me anywhere. Yo, one time I, like, sprayed something. I, like, fucked myself up. And I couldn't reach around myself. So I would never do no gay shit like this neither. But I had to in the moment. I, like, went this way to, like, wipe my ass. Hey, bro, as soon as I realized how close it was to my nuts, as soon as I touched my butthole, I dropped the toilet paper. I got scared. Were you wiped from the front? I had to. My shoulder was fucked up. Like, my shoulder was fucked up. I would never do no gay shit like that. I would never go front. No, never. But I had to. I don't think it's that gay. You surprised yourself. Here you go. As soon as I realized where it was was the toilet paper and I touched it, I was like, oh, I dropped the toilet paper. Yeah, you like that. I didn't know it was right there. Yeah, I didn't know the butthole was so far towards the nuts. Have you ever wiped from the front? Fuck no. I never had no reason to. But I guess if I was injured, I probably would have to. Have you ever wiped sitting down? You stand up. I stand up and wipe. I never understood the guys that are like, I sit down and wipe. Nah. Never. I stand up. I do a full 180. A full 180. I just see what happens first. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's more like a 120 if I had to do real geometry. That's true. I stand up. I take a look. I'm like, all right. I'm like, oh, I should eat more vegetables. Then I wipe it. Yeah. It's crazy bro I get like a parfait a day Tighten me up Yeah it could be alright I checked because my doctor told me that If your shit not floating That mean you ate unhealthy Yeah It's supposed to float So I checked to see if it's floating or not Yeah If that shit sink It mean you eating bad I thought if I drop heavy ones Then I'm like That was good Nah bro That mean you eating the wrong shit bro But you still want to log Yeah you want to log You don't want it to be fucking Diarrhea What about like the Picassos Like spraying the bull Not like spraying the bull Oh, but like a log that has pixelation to it. Yeah, no, you don't want that. Yeah, no, bro. You want a smooth log, bro? I've been driving pixelated logs lately. You want a smooth log. So it's funny. Danny, that's the episode name. Pixelated logs. Pixelated logs. Yo, fruit. Fruit's it, bro. Yeah, fruit is it. Yeah, yeah. Because it's the fiber. Fruit, oatmeal, bro. Yeah. Get that fiber. I bought pineapple. Yeah, parmays is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought pineapple the other day just because I saw it in the store, and I was like, this is going to make my cum taste better. And it didn't. How the fuck you know it didn't? It didn't. So it's funny when we... I remember saying to a dude, there's a guy... You told a dude your cum tasted better? My nut tastes way better than yours. Prove it. I moved into the neighborhood. I knew a couple of dudes from the neighborhood, right? And I remember being in a supermarket, and I always, me and my wife had a thing where we always smoked weed and went food shopping together, right? So we still, like, look forward to this. Like, every once in a while, like, we'll be like, oh, shit, let's get high and go food shopping. So I smoke, I go food shopping, I'm in there, and this dude comes up to me, this guy, like, I kind of loosely know, they, like, shout my name from down the aisle, they come up to me, and I was like, dog, there's a whole pineapple on the top of this car, like, don't talk to me. Like, I'm clearly high as fuck walking through this supermarket because I got a whole pineapple. Who buys the whole pineapple? Yeah, that's crazy. You know what I mean? I'm like, if you see me ever walking with the whole boy with the top on it and everything, leave me the fuck alone. Right, right, right. A whole pineapple is crazy. I saw a video the other day of a guy peeling a pineapple and tasting it. Or peeling a pineapple, like, to the fullest and then cutting it up. I never knew. So you cut the spiky parts off on the outside. And then from there, you have to take, like, damn near, like, a spoon and, like, scoop out these, like, seeds. Yeah. From the top layer of it. I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that either. I always gave it just this boy. Like, cut it around. And then what you got left, you got left. I always buy it chopped up. I never bought a full pineapple. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I always get it diced the fuck up. It me neither. Only a weed head buys a full pineapple. If I ever have to chop up a pineapple or a coconut, it's like, fucking, send the rescue boats. I'm on an island. I shouldn't be there. I'm on an island. The plane has crashed if I'm doing that. But if you look at the difference, you know, here's the juice side of me. They're hammering you to cut that fruit, bro. Really? Yeah, like. No, they're not. Yes, they are. Look at the pineapple. I'm telling you. Pineapple's not that expensive, dude. If you're going to cut it in. Exactly. It's a spiky fruit. But buy a cut. It's like six, seven bucks, bro. How much? And that's probably not eating a full pineapple. That's the same. That's probably half a pineapple. You can buy a whole pineapple for like two bucks, three bucks. Oh, shit. That's way cheaper. Yeah, that's way cheaper to chop the cut. How many pineapples are there? That's crazy. Like in the world? Yeah. Bro, it's probably endless pineapples. Danny, can we look that up? Nobody's telling how many pineapples in the world. How many pineapples are there? I said it all the time. Look up all-time pineapples. I've said it on a podcast before. There's no way there's that many chickens for the Super Bowl. Chickens over the legs. You know what I mean? Two wings, two legs. Yeah, true. There's no way. Yeah, duh. There's no way there's that many pineapples, too. I agree. They doing something. Look up chickens after this. I think it's all fake. We should be running out of shit. Same thing with cows. I don't know if that's true, but also if pineapples... 29 to 30 million metric tons of pineapples. That doesn't... So there's 300 billion pineapples. All right, so... Are farmed globally. Wait, 300 billion pineapples are farmed globally per year? Damn, that's a lot. That can't be true. 300 billion? That's more than people. Yeah, it's 8 billion people. There's not more pineapples than people. I'm not buying it. There's got to be more pineapples than people. What are you saying? There's definitely more pineapples than people. I mean, how many pineapples are on one tree? That's a good question. How many people are on one tree? What do we have? I just thought, like, I got two kids. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, some motherfuckers got eight kids. How many pineapples are on one tree? I've had a bunch. Damn, so that means everybody on earth could eat, like, four pineapples. There's a lot of wasted pineapple in Florida and shit for drinks. So if you get more than four pineapples a year, you overindulgent, bro. 18 to 32 months from planting, harvest. fruit as ours they take a long time 18 to 32 months and they're saying one per uh one per tree that many pineapples bro oh yeah that number that number don't make sense then there's no way 300 billion in that never makes no sense i've never seen one right because that means if it's one per tree that means it's 300 billion pineapple trees get the fuck out of here a bunch of people see a lot of people never seen a pineapple a lot of pineapple goes to waste bro yeah ever been in like a bar. I think most limes and lemons, all citrus fruits kind of go to waste. They get squeezed into Jameson's and then thrown. I got a boy, dude. He married a chick from Mexico. He has dual citizenship and shit. He lives on the border. He's a fucking fruit broker. What the hell? Yeah, bro. There's like a whole business for you. A fruit broker? It sounds like cocaine-filled avocados to me. Yeah, that's a gay guy where I'm from. you like broker fruit deals crazy yeah what the hell he said he deals with mostly avocados limes he named like four or five things and he said cause he's from up here he got ties up here Delaware Jersey PA and he gets everything from down there and brokers the fruit deals damn you know what's crazy there's a lot of jobs that I didn't know was a job I didn't know that was a job I started my new job today and one of the boys I work with he's a finance historian like he studies how rich people build wealth like that's like his fucking he works at your company yeah he works there i mean but he just works in finance with his major was like finance history and shit but i didn't know that was a thing his actual job is finance historian well no that's not his job that's just like we majored in college but he's like an investor and he was telling me like i can teach you how to like invest in the stock market right now the best time because everything all fucked up he's like i'll show you this shit alexander hamilton real right yeah that's Like, really? That's really what he's looking at? Every once in a while, you want the shit to plummet. Yeah, yeah. Jump in there. And he was telling me that all this shit with America... I'm waiting on that right now. Yeah, he was telling me all this shit with America and China is fake. He was like, America and China pretend that they beefing so that shit can drop so then rich people can buy in. And then he's like, we do it every 15 to 20 years. He's like, every 15 to 20 years, America and China pretend that they beef. My homie Yao was telling me that. Yao? Yeah, Ming. No, I'm serious. He was telling me that... the fuck you don't know the fucking Yao Ming. Yes I do. You never knew a Yao Ming. He was in the NBA. Everyone knows Yao Ming. He told me that the whole USA I actually met him in real life. I met Yao Ming when they did the All-Star game in Philly. Bro his head is as wide as my torso. Like his head big as shit. His head is this fucking wide bro. I don't know why it's so funny. I'm telling you. God damn Pez dispenser. I'm telling you bro. It looks crazy as hell. Yo y'all can play for a couple years too. He could. He was pretty dominant for a while. He could. He was nice. But he got them thin-ass Chinese bones. Yeah, short career. Yeah, short career. Jeremy Lin made some noise, and then that was it. Yeah, bro. Dude, my dad used to fucking hate when Yao Ming would go off. He was always a Yao Ming hater, and then I'd see Yao at like 30 and 15. I'd be like, what about that? He'd be like, fluke. He'd go, who's he playing against? I don't know, another NBA player? Right, fluke is crazy. Oh, so he breaks the love when you had to watch him play Shaq. Shaq would dominate that motherfucker, bro. No, he hated Shaq, too. How you hate Shaq? No, my dad was more of like a George Mike and Brad Miller fan. What the fuck? Sean Bradley. Yeah, Sean Bradley was the man in my house. Big Matt Geiger guy, remember that? Matt Geiger. Yo Matt Geiger like yo remember that year when Matt Geiger learned how to hit threes No he was training threes bro He was training threes bro He was hitting them bitches bro I remember being in the game and being like Matt Giger can go from downtown and blast I remember Spencer Hawes played for the second half a few years. He used to hit threes. And my dad used to, it was like Spencer Hawes' rookie year. He hit like a couple threes in a game. My dad goes, that's the next fucking Wilt Chamberlain thing. He goes, that's the next dominant big thing. So I remember when the Sixers went on that run, and when they won the game to go to the championship, I got arrested for underage drinking or some corny shit like that. Not even real arrested, just like, you know, have your parents come to you or whatever. And I remember being so sad, because I didn't live far from five points like Coppin the Rising Sun. And I remember being so sad just watching the fireworks go off in the distance. Right. And my mom was like, nah, motherfucker, you got pissed. Damn, so you had to stay in the crib when they won? Bro, that's crazy. Yeah, but then they got fucking swept. Yeah, they got swept by that. They can swept. No, no, we won the first game. We won the first game, yeah. And then we lost four straight. But that night we won the first game, bro. Everybody was outside. So I think that might have been the night that they were at five points. It might have been the night they won the first game. Yep, yep, yep. And I wasn't allowed to go because I got pissed. Everybody was outside that night. Sixers, I mean, I've seen the Eagles parade. I wasn't here for the Phillies winning it. but uh sixers parade is gonna be like the the time where i really cry tears of joy yeah hell yeah i cried when the eagles won this past one me and james but we were hammered and we had lost it two years before yeah but uh when hurts won the one two years ago me and james walked from my house to broad street and i remember crying when i crossed like 15th and washington and i had tears running down my face i grabbed james i was like we fucking did it man we really fucking did it Oh, wait. I was so excited. We were like some of the – because I live five blocks from there. Right, right. So we were some of the first people in the mix after the bowl. Yeah. But I was like, we fucking did it, man. Oh, wait, or whatever with the Phillies. I like – that was a night. I like – that was a crazy night. Yeah. Because if you remember, it got delayed, and they had to play three innings two days later. Yeah. So that was my birthday, right? My birthday is October 30th, so it was the 29th. So it was like my – I go out to watch three innings of baseball. they win and i like i like bang some chick who was like twice my age i got beat up by the cops that's the story of my life yeah she was she was way older than me but uh the um we were like lined up and we were like up at frankfurt cop and like yo we ain't leaving like fuck this and now it's like 3 a.m and shit so the cops line up like horses bikes like state trooper horses too are big as fuck they like line up and like no we ain't leaving they start like marching towards us yeah And I, like, slowly turned into, like, a shuffle. Like, just, like, I went from like this to, like, slowly kind of get away. And then some cop picked up his fucking bicycle dog and smoked me with it. He picked up the bike and hit me in the back. He tail whipped you in the head? What the fuck? Whipped me with the bike. And I, like, hit the all fours and then, like, took off. Like, I was way more mobile then, you know? Yeah, right, right, right. I hit, like, the all fours quick and then just, like, peeled out. Did he do it on a bunny hop tail whip? He grabbed the seat, grabbed the handles. Damn. If he like Dave Mears, he'll whip you in the head. That'd be sick. God damn. He fucking picked it up and hit you. He used that shit like a fucking weapon. I wouldn't even think about that. Yeah, right. Hitting somebody with a bike. That's crazy. Rite control, I guess. I don't know. You can fuck somebody up with a bike. Shields and mace. Yeah, I don't know. Well, I mean, who knows, dude? I don't know why the fuck he did it. But I took off and then I went to some chick's house. Like I said, we weren't talking anymore. I banged her at a wedding the first time. and we weren't talking anymore. We, like, banged a little bit, and then this was, like, the last night. Like, I went over there. I hit. She was like, this is it, right? I was like, yeah, this is it. You know what I mean? See you around. Enjoy the rest of your life. But, yeah, she was, like, at the time, so that's 08. I'm born in 85, so how old I am, and she was probably, like, 37. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, damn. Aborced, yeah. Yeah, the first time I fucked her was after a wedding, and I remember banging her after the wedding on her couch, and just these two mean ass looking pit bulls just staring at me, bro. And I was like kind of scared the whole time. Like, I don't think I nutted because it was late as shit. But I remember thinking like, man, like at any moment. Yeah, when girls have dogs or their dad's gun guns in the crib, it's always scary. Yeah, I don't like fucking in front of dogs. I remember a girl showed me her dad's gun cabinet one time and then brought me upstairs to her room and I was like, we should do this anywhere else. Yeah, right. I don't even like what girls be having dads. Like, but you got a dad? I'm not coming over there. You got a fucking dad, bitch. What the fuck? You know, it's funny. That's how we say. That's why it's fucked up now. Back in the day, you had to, like, call the crib. Yes. Dad might answer. Yeah, bro. I used to hang right the fuck up. And I was scared to death of Mr. Coyle, bro. Mm-hmm. He, like, just this big-massive fucking dad, you know what I mean? Always like, what? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And I was scared to death to call to talk to that bitch. Yeah. Yeah, I used to call this, uh, Joan Monique. I was in, like, fifth, sixth grade. Horsey? Yes. We know about Monique Horsey. Monique Horsey, bro. Yep. Hell yeah. And I used to call her, and her dad would pick up the phone, and he would be like, what the fuck you want with my daughter? I'm like, I just want to talk to her, sir. And he was like, fuck me, we can't talk to my head. Just hang up. I'm like, God damn. Yeah, Big Dog got a, he was macking a bitch, and she shot him down. Oh, you're done? Yeah, yeah. And we were like, what happened? He was like, I don't know. He shot a date. Is he on the home? On the landline? No, I guess they're texting and shit. Whatever. Snapchat. But he was like, we're always like, yo, what's up? Like, you know, we're always in our kids' business and shit. So he was like, yeah, I was texting her. He was like, and I asked her on a date, and she said she's too – some kid shit. Like she's emotionally can't date or something, some weird shit. He was like, then I saw her walking around holding hands with this short little black guy. I was like, bro. I was like, bro, damn, bro. It beats that way, baby. I was like, you know what I mean? It'll always be. I was like, we handle these things with class and dignity, baby. Head held high. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? We don't take these like a bitch. We don't get needy. We don't act corny. We fuck a black girl. We fuck a black girl. Black dignity, brother. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's on the new bitch. He got a new chick he's talking to. Yeah. He's like right at the brink where he's starting to ask girls to hang out. That's fire. I will say there was only, I've said this a hundred times before in here, there was only five black guys in my high school and none in my grade. they were uh there was two two brothers not brothers brothers that were uh a year older than me and two years older than me and then there were a few adopted kids that were younger than me and then actually a few adopted cousins that were were they like black like were they like suburban black or was a couple real niggas no they were all suburban black but they were well jalen jalen and his brother were black okay and then the rest of them were adopted to white families when they were really young. Oh, okay. And then we had a couple Africans that were from the Sudan that I don't consider. Oh, yeah, the Lost Boys. We had them at my high school, bro. You know how you called them Lost Boys? Yeah, yeah. We had them at my high school. Dude, Lopez. We had a kid, Lopez LeMond. Yeah, bro. He actually carried the flag for the U.S. Olympic team in 2004. Oh, yeah, bro. You told me about that. Yeah, that's crazy. Dude, this motherfucker ran from Sudan to Ghana. Like a scape war and shit? He tells this story about, like, he was in church one day with his family. and the RUF boys or whatever, the rebels came in and started lighting it on fire and shooting their church up with AKs. Him and a couple other teenagers escaped church and ran away, and they ran from fucking literally all the way across to Africa. Yeah. And then somehow they made it to my high school. Yep, we had a couple of them. Dominated track. Yeah. Dude, AS. They're the best distance runners. Dude, a small county of white boys, farm white boys, and then you get four Africans that ran across the entire continent. bro they're at 1500 thousand miles uh before already right there's nothing to them but um yeah they dominated yeah when i went to central it was probably like four or five of them they was they was like two grades over me so when i was at ninth they was in like 11th grade and they was on the track team distance runners motherfuckers look scary as hell they was black with the yellow eyes bro all yellow eyes look scary and shit they was tall yeah six seven six eight i'm like what the fuck is going on these legs and they were smart as hell like they were I'm getting straight A's and shit. I'm like, what the fuck? They all had really cool names that I know weren't their real names, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all like Lopez Lamang was one of them. Obong Okor, that probably was his real name. Yeah, that's probably his real name. But there was another kid named Peter Peter. Yeah. I was like, that can't be a real name. Double Peter? Peter Peter is crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. See, we had, well, I went to the Northeast. so we had tons of dudes from like ogons avenue and shit like that like we had brothers from the neighborhood but we also had we had like the way more like off the boat like colombians and shit in the northeast oh and like albanians and stuff like the albanian russians and they were like dangerous yeah i mean yeah they do this job bro they fucking they put the bird up bro like what the fuck is that albanian dudes were like dangerous but yeah we had northeast was such a mix man these were such a mix yeah yeah well yeah so when we used to play against y'all football it was like y'all had every race on the fucking team they had puerto ricans black people white fullbacks you see what i'm saying every fucking thing it's always a good time yeah yeah you gotta have a white white fullback is nice yeah i remember we played southern and it was they had a uh they fullback name was uh kevin patillo italian ass husky ass fucking white boy bro and he fucking And, dog, we was blowing them out like 36 to nothing. And then it was the last play the starters was in on defense. And I guess nobody wanted to make the tackle. I was playing safety. And it was like the fucking Red Sea part of, bro. And this motherfucker got the ball on the dive, coming straight up the middle. I cracked down from safety. He ran me over. Yes, he cracked. The Eagles offensive coordinator. What the fuck? It's Petillo. Kevin Petillo. Oh, all right. That's not the Eagles offensive coordinator. We just fired Kevin Petillo. Yeah, we had that ball of ball. Hell yeah. But the motherfucker came up the middle, ran me over, and broke my fucking face mask. I'm like, how the fuck you get ran over there? He cracked my face mask. Runs hard, bro. Did you play for Central? Yeah, I played for Central, and I played for King. All right. What year did you go to high school? What year did you graduate high school? 05. All right, so I was 03. Yeah. All right. Yeah, so when I was in ninth, you was in, what, 11th? Dan, black really doesn't crack. That's crazy. you look about 30 years older than him I'm full gray bruh full gray fat as shit I only played one year though I played my 10th grade year but I used to smoke weed on the way to practice and shit I didn't give a fuck my boys played I was like a third string guard I was there to hang out with my boys then 11th grade and shit I was just too busy those were always the coolest guys The fat guys that smoked weed and just were around to be on the team. Yeah. Hell yeah. That was our third string goalie in lacrosse in high school. It was probably the man. The fucking coolest guy ever. We used to do these things called perimeters, which was like, it was basically you'd run to the outside of the school and run the long ass block. It was like three miles around the perimeter, the streets where the school was. He used to always do this shit where he'd cut through, run less than a half mile of it. and he would cut through and meet us at the bus garage on the way back. And we would always see him there just smoking cigarettes, and then he'd throw his helmet back on and get in the run with us. I was like, yeah, this guy rocks. Yeah, dude, I just played with my boys. My boys were on the team and shit like that. That's who was our best. The best guy we had, we had Brent Grimes. He went to the league. Yeah, I played. Well, I didn't play against the guy that didn't get in the game. But when I was in – when I went to Kuznets. You played against my college, right? Yeah, he played in Shippensburg. Yeah, he played in Shippensburg. And he scored every way you could score. Yeah, yeah. When he played against us, he threw a touchdown. He caught one. He caught an interception, ran it back. He recovered a fumble, ran it back, and he returned the kick and returned the punt. He ran one backwards. He crawled one in. Bro, he did everything, bro. He did everything, bro. And not forgotten, like, the nicest guy. He was little as shit. Yeah, and he was always, like, a cool dude. Like, he wasn't like a college football team is 50 bullies from every school, right? It's always, like, the biggest, toughest kids from every high school, right? Yeah. Yeah. But he was, like, he was one of the, like, sweetest dudes, man. Yeah. He was cool. Yeah. I always remember in the league, he got in a few fist fights in the NFL, which was always fun to see. He was a neighborhood kid. Actually, Andre Johnson beat the shit out of him. No, that wasn't him. That was his face mask and shit, right? Corlin something. Yeah, that was Corlin Finnegan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ron's gotten some shit, too, though. He was always fighting. No, Brent Grimes was definitely fighting. Yeah, and then who else? We had Jameel McClain play for Washington. Yeah. He played for the Syracuse. He played line or something? No, he played fullback. No, he played linebacker. A linebacker. Didn't he go to the Ravens? Huh? Syracuse. I think so, yeah. He played for the Ravens. Yeah. But I remember I was in the game. We were winning. That was like an adult. You know what I mean? When I was a kid, I was like, God. No, you knew the guy that was going to make it, bro. He was an adult. I remember seeing that. Where I'm from, it's like the middle of nowhere. If someone was good, they had a chance at going D3. Right, right, right. If someone was nice, we'd be like, oh, that guy might go to Cortland next year. bro we saw latavius murray when i was a freshman and uh the the freshman team would go watch we'd play the early games and then the varsity team would play after and uh we saw latavius murray play against us and no bullshit i think he ran for 760 yards on us every time he touched the ball was to the crib he was also a 6 4 230 pound strong black guy playing against all like a guy my size now or tub size would be like the most athletic guys on the team right right right you know it's like just unathletic white dudes that are just big but that's like you tell my son bro i'm like dude shippensburg townsend you're good i'm like get a jersey go get some pussy i'm like learn how to play the guitar yes you know what i mean go enjoy yourself before you marketing degree it's easy whatever you'd be a plumber after that anyway who gives a fuck would you do you just But you don't get pussy just for having that jersey. Yo, bro. You ain't even got to get the jerk, though. My freshman year, all I had was the Custown football because they redshirted me. So I had the Custown football sweatsuit and walk around school. People were like, who's this freshman boy? You can buy those at the campus store. You really can buy that shit, yeah. Who the fuck is the freshman boy? Damn, I should have done that. Yeah, bro. Well, then you would get called out if you're not on the team. He had just a Cabrini basketball fit on. They're like, yo, what position do you play? He's crushing, too. He's playing baseball, but he went to his baseball coach. He said, the only way I'm playing baseball is if I can work out with the football team at least one day a week. Nice. The baseball coach was like, all right, so Mondays and then the football team works out Saturdays. So he's able to do Mondays and Saturdays with the football team. Football, yeah. And then still play baseball. He's going to be like Big Justice. Yo, he squatted fucking 300 pounds the other day. Damn. Oh, yeah, you're on his way, bro. You think Dolph's beating Big Justice in a fight? Who's Big Justice? You don't know Big Justice? Who's Big Justice? No. Boom, boom, boom. That kid? You don't know Big AJ and Big Justice? Nah, who is that? The Costco boys. You don't know them? I gotta see it. What? Oh, let me think. Because I bite when I see it. Danny, can you pull up? If you see it, you will know who you see it. For sure know them. It's a guy who has his whole family at gunpoint, and he's making them do TikTok videos. And their whole thing is they go to Costco, and they're like, we're getting five pounds of meat, and it gets five big booms. Boom, boom, boom. And they look like they don't want to do it. The whole family doesn't want to do it. Are you bringing it up, though? It's a dad who's so excited. The dad used to be like a minor league wrestler. He would do amateur wrestling, WWE shit. And since they popped on Twitter or TikTok, he got in the AEW. And now it's like, you know this kid. Yeah, I know that. Your son would beat the fuck out of him. Yeah, don't whoop his ass. He would beat the fuck out of this kid. This motherfucker's eating foot-long fucking baguette. Dawn texted me last night and said, I don't want to do 185 until you get home. Can you spot me? That's for my time. I never did 185. Hell yeah. This dude's eating foot-long baguettes. You fucking cave bird. It's over. You cave bird. You fucked up. Yo, Pops, man, my son. Wait, he benches 185? Yeah. Can he teach me how to work out? He's not allowed to do it if I'm not home, though. Yeah. Yeah, I got the Smith John, but I'm like, dude, no more than. I did 155 once in my life, and I felt like I ripped my entire shoulder off my body. Yeah, he pushes that out. It's like everything he's got, and you got to get him to do it early. I've seen him not. What's he weigh? 230. I've seen him not be able to do 185, and I've seen him be able to do it. Wait, what grade he is? He's an eighth. Bro. That's what I'm saying. That's crazy. He going to be throwing 225 by like 11. I told him, I said, listen, easily. Throwing that shit. I said, the goal is not 400 pounds. No. The goal is 225 30 times. Yes, that's the goal. I said, the goal is not 400. The goal is not that. I said, I need 225. When you are talking to colleges, you need to be able to do 20, 25. And when you get up there, they make you do that shit. When you get up there, they throw 225 on that bitch. Let me see how you can do it. And you got to do at least 18 or 20. We've talked about this before. Bro, I did 17, and they looked at me like I was a bitch. I'm not even big. You know what I'm saying? Even that's crazy. Yeah, you got 18 to 20. We've talked about this before, dude. I remember hearing at one point a guy told me that a man, or you're not a real man until you can throw 225 up. And then I tried it once, and it fell on me immediately with spotters. And I was like, get it off me. And this is when I was like working out. But, dude. You got to work up the 225. No, I realized that I should never be able to do that. No, yes, you can, though. I weigh 160 pounds. Yeah, I know. You could, though, when I did that, I weighed like 180 when I did it, bro. It's not that much of a mountain, though. It's really not. If you worked out for eight months to a year, lifted weights every day. I don't want to talk about this anymore. You could do it, bro. I'm never going to do it. I don't want to do it. It's not that crazy. It's really not. You could definitely do it, though. I do other stuff, dude. I do other stuff. That's what I'm saying. You're a beast. I see you kickboxing all that shit. You do other stuff. You've seen me two buckets. two bucket guy two at a time baby it bounces you out you just have to work towards it yeah you can definitely do that bro you could do 22 if I lay down it would fucking I'd be dead it would hurt I know you can probably do four or five buckets dude but I'm saying we can only but I can probably lay right down and do it when I got drunk the one night my son's friends were down there and the most weight we have is 185 in the basement I went down and I did it like fucking 11 12 times just to show a bunch of Oh yeah so you could definitely move with 225 Yeah I went down there and it was on the Smith John Right right But it was Halloween night and those boys were in the basement. They were down there lifting and they were like, how much can you do? I was like, yeah, watch this. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, right, watch this. But grown up. I remember I was doing... You know what I mean? You got to do shit like that sometimes just to let your son know like... Well, and a couple... You got it, but I'm still king. A couple of the jaws were dropped like they were young balls. Yeah, yeah. When I was, this was years ago when I was doing concrete, I remember we were moving cinder blocks. They were like unloading cinder blocks off a truck for something. And I was grabbing two at a time and taking them back. And it was like me and like three other laborers. So we're all grabbing two at a time. And I remember at one point I felt, I'm like, dude, my fucking hands hurt. Just grab one at a time, fuck this. I was like 17. And then I got back there at the time where there was this African dude on the job that was, he was loading two up in each arm and carrying four. I can't come back with one. I go, ah, shit, I gotta carry two. You can't do one. My hands are all hurting and shit, and he's got four. I'm like, ah, fuck. But yeah, that's, bro, I don't think I told you it all here, but I tell you, I got gloves and whooped his ass. Word? That's what he does. So my son, I grew up boxing. My sister won the Golden Gloves, and we used to box when we were kids. We all grew up boxing. Everyone's won the Golden Gloves, dude. I don't believe none of this shit. I never won that shit. 147 pounds, bro. My sister won. She went down to Front Street. She won Front Street, got the little Golden Gloves menu, metal. Every old guy's won the Golden Gloves. Went to Scranton and got her ass whooped. And I remember the chick's name was Denise Bennett, bro. Them Scranton white bitches rumble, bro. I'm telling you that right now. This is a black chick. Isn't that where Chrissy the coal miner's from? No, she from West Virginia. Obviously. What the fuck was I talking about? I don't know. Your sister. No, your son. Oh, yeah. So he fucking, I called, I sent him to a football camp he didn't want to go to. So I'm like, bro, you're going. It's what it is. My buddy's a coach. He's putting this camp on. You're going. So I ended the camp. I hit him up. I FaceTimed him, and he's with his friends. And I'm like, yo, how was the camp? He was like, he said some corny shit like, I don't know. It was kind of a waste of time. And I was like, I get it, Dalton. You're the best offensive lineman in Springfield Town. shit no one needs to help you no more you got to figure it out so he hung up on me so oh shit so as soon as his friends i could hear him he just banged on me yeah i didn't text him i didn't call back i amazon boxing gloves to the house right away yo i got on amazon i got the fucking whatever they were i think i got the 16 ounce johns because i always grew up with boxing gloves in the house i kept saying we needed them yeah amazon them to the crib they we sat on them a couple days and he's seen them and tiffy told him what they were for she was like yo you pissed your dad off yeah yeah First you're going to fight your sister, then your mom. I'm the final boss. He just knocks everyone out. You're like, fuck it. Bro, we sat on it a couple days. One day I called him in the kitchen. I threw him. Yo, he put him on like a man. Nice. Fucking whooped his ass, bro. He had no idea what a body shot was. I hit him with one. His hands came down. I lumped him up. He came in and he kind of crazy one time. And I was like, dog, kids. Has he ever been in a fight? No. Especially kids that can't fight. They don't understand. And this is what I keep saying to them. Especially now that we got the gloves. Because now we fuck around. But I'm like, if you can't see what you're hitting, you're never going to hit it, bro. What's that feeling? They all look down. It's like, bro, even if you get punched, you have to look forward. You got to look straight. It's the punch that you don't see that's going to knock you the fuck out. Yeah, you got to see that shit. Yeah, chin down, eyes forward. What's that like, though? He's never been in an actual fight. Do you want him to get in one? No, I just. Just to experience it? Because you know at some point it's either going to happen or he's just going to be a liar his entire life and tell people he's beat a bunch of people up. You've either been in an actual fist fight or you get to be 25 and tell people you've been in 100 of them. That's usually the experience I've had. I would rather him be that guy. I don't want my boy getting in a fist fight. Most guys that tell me they've been in a bunch of fights, I'm like, nah, I'll fucking shit. Yeah, fuck that. I don't want my boy getting in fist fights. I don't want him to be that kid. But I also do. But I also do. I don't want him to get fucked up. I want him to have a fighting chance at anything that happens. I don't want him to get stolen and cover up. And it's hard to avoid as a man. That's a good lesson to have, though, too. Get stolen and cover up. Losing a fight, bad. Great lesson. As someone who's lost a few of them pretty bad. I got my ass kicked off. If you've been in a fight, you've lost fights. Whenever I meet a nigga, he's like, I never lost a fight. He's like, bro, shut up. What are you saying? I remember I met a guy in college. I remember I met a guy, he had transferred to Cabrini our senior year, and he was already like, he was just like a fake tough guy. And I remember he told me that his street fight record was like 25-2 or something. Sure. That's the crazy, what are you in the fucking UFC champion? Yeah, right, sure. 25-2 street fight record is crazy. The sanctioned bounce. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. Who scored these? 25 is like a war, bro. The swings at 3 o'clock, bro. It was crazy. I respect the motherfucker that's going to rumble and lose over somebody that's just bullshitting or going to avoid it. I want my son to know what it's like to get punched. And don't ever hang up on me again either, pussy. But I rocked him a couple times, and I do. We put the gloves on, and I just – I'm not trying to teach him how to fight. I'm teaching him how to keep his head forward and just look. Hands up. Yeah, don't be scared to get hit. You're going to get hit in a fight. That's the hardest part about getting into a fight or learning how to fight is learning how to get hit. Learning how to get hit. Like, we had this girl that came through. That's what I'm teaching. This girl came through our gym the other day, and she, it was her second class ever. Like, her second time ever doing any type of combat shit. And we did sparring at the end of it. And I saw earlier she went with, I told you about the guy that looks like fucking Blank Man. The dude that wears the hoodie and he's got, like, the COVID mask on. He looks insane. But he comes in there, and he's fucking weird sparring with. Like, he just looks like he doesn't want to do it. and like looks very like you don't want to be shit no it's just like you're beating up a guy who doesn't want to be there and uh so i saw her go with him and then she sat around out after that yeah so in my head i'm like oh it's her second class like he probably took it hard on her and then i told her when we started i go hey i don't want to like we don't have to go hard and she's like no it's not even that like i just don't want to fucking spar with that guy yeah and i was like oh okay i get it and then as soon as we started sparring though she started like throwing shit but i told her at the end of the round i was like this is all like you need i was like people on day two are usually scared to get hit yeah you got to figure it out lady yeah from here because it's odd discipline like you don't want somebody to throw a punch and you clench up and close your eyes and shit like you want to exactly you want to see it like even if you're gonna get hit by it look at see that shit and you realize like oh shit i got hit i didn't fall it wasn't really that bad like yeah that's the main thing it teaches you i'm trying to get that out of the way yeah you You don't want the first time your son get punched in the face. It's outside. It's the first time. And somebody hit him in the nose and he grabbed his nose like, oh, my God. You don't want all that. That's crazy. That's why I've been popping him a little bit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Toughen that nose up. That's what I was trying to tell Lewis when we were that gas. Because he like, yeah, I don't believe in hitting my kids. He's like, bro, somebody going to hit your kid one day, bro. If you ain't going to show him, somebody going to hit this motherfucker, dog. No, I get what he was saying. I don't believe in, I don't have kids, but I would never hit my kids in the face unless it was like you're playing around sparring you spar like you see how i do my son i don't beat my son but like bro you fuck up we spar but discipline wise i would never hit my kids either but i think uh and i i got hit growing up yeah but like i don't think that did anything for me or uh against me because i didn't get hit that bad you know what i mean i didn't get hit that bad but i got hit yeah me and my dad fist fought a few times and it was like it's still to this day like fuck that's that sucks i'm mad we did that like i'm mad i let it get to that point and i'm sure he hates that too so it's all situational but like you gotta think too like and now and i've been talking to dude a lot lately like this is the man you know he is he's he's in the art bro yeah like he's probably gonna hit his kids he's in the art right true he likes a good painting i don't know nothing like like he probably doesn't hit his kids he could probably played an instrument. And he said his mom used to fuck him up bad. And a lot of times people like that you felt like you was abused. You're like, I'm never gonna hit my kid. My wife read his book and I was like, because I don't read, dog. I don't do gay shit. My wife read his book. I was like, alright, give me the clip notes. Give me what you got from it. So I got the gist. But yeah, he probably feels that way too. Listen, do it or don't, it's situational, right? some kids need to get hit some kids don't get good kid you know what i mean but i will say the read the times i got hit i uh i don't like deny the reasoning for it yeah it wasn't just like random like right cooking the chicken's overcooked beating yeah right right night i got wasted and i came home and i was hammered and my son did some shit that pissed me off i was in the hallway like in his face like like just probably saying some crazy shit like be your man dog like whatever like i was wasted and the next day i apologized i was like dog that could never happen again that's all me yeah i was like listen i fucked you up and you've deserved it i was like but last night my fault dog like whatever you did wasn't that serious but we were in the hallway the whole house is crying yeah i'm like in his shit like you know what i mean what gets me like that's when he's when The times I fucked him up was when he disrespected my wife. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only times my dad would get mad is when my mom would tell him to get mad. I won't have it. It would only be me and my mom arguing about something, and she would go, do you want me to get your father? And I'd be like, fucking do it. And then, dude, you'd activate his ass off the couch. You'd see him arise. I'd be like, fuck. He'd slam the PBR down and be like, what did you say to your mom? I'd be like, shit. and then we're just fist fighting. Wait, I got to piss. But that's what it was for me. The couple times I fucked on, one time he was in his karate gi, I turned that motherfucker upside down, man. I had him everywhere in that first floor. We were talking shit to you or to your wife? To my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've said it a couple times. I don't let grown men talk to my wife that way. You think I'm going to let you talk that way? Like never going to happen. And now every dinner, tells my wife how delicious it was even if you don't like yes thank you mom you know just like he's very respectful towards her because i set that tone early like young age it was like yo you get away with a little bit with me right i could deal be i i could stand being called a fat pussy or whatever yeah right right right but you're not your mom with her bro yeah yeah i remember uh one time my my son's mom asked him to carry she had bought a bunch of mulch and she was like They carry him in the house, whatever. So, rewind. The day before that, we went bowling. And every time I roll a strike, I was hitting him and his homies with the suck it, right? I hit my kids with the suck it. Hell yeah. So I roll a strike, I'm like, ah, I'm a sucker. Fuck out of here, yo. So then, the next day, she buys all this mulch. And I would drop something off of her crib. So, he's carrying the mulch in. And I'm like, dog, grab like two or four of them bitches. Why are you grabbing one bag of mulch? Like, at the time, he was like 13, 14. One brick. fucking Drew over here. Drew, right? You better carry three, four of them bitches, bro. One brick Drew ass. One brick Drew. Right? Yes, I'm telling my son, I'm like, yo, carry four bags of mulch at a time. So he turns around and looks at me. He's like, what? He said, I'm carrying one. I'm going to suck it, pop it. I said, ooh. And I swung on him and he dipped it but I caught him in his shoulder and he started running. He's like, dad, chill. I started chasing him up the block, right? So I'm running like, dad, chill, chill, chill. So then he runs behind his mom. She's like, Naeem, you can't hit him you doing it to him all yesterday he just copying off of you she's like he don't even know what that is and i'm like damn you right bro i'm like damn because in my head i'm like you just told your dad to suck it what the fuck are you talking about yo and like yeah like how the fuck you gonna tell me to suck it bro a little bit it's a wrestling thing yeah but you know my son didn't even know what it was like you missed the beginning we was bowling the day before that every time he got a strike and every time i rode a strike i hit him and his homies with the sucking. The next day he did it to me. That's even worse. Yeah, the next day he did it to me. And I swung on him, bro. He dipped that shit. Boom. Then he started running. That's crazy. His mom was like, you can't hit him. You did it to him all yesterday. I'm like, oh, yeah, I forgot all about that shit. Yeah, it's even worse. I forgot all about this shit. I wish I didn't hear the first part of it. That's crazy. A little abuse ain't bad, dude. Hey, dog, war. But yeah, My mom would beat us all the time, but it never hurt. My mom was always hitting us, but it never hurt. My dad, one time I called him a bastard. He fucked me up. He was laying with his back against the couch, sitting on the ground, back against the couch. I was laying on the couch. There was a TV dispute over watching whatever on the John. I was like, you're a bastard. He leaked up, boy. He fucked me up, man. He fucking beat the shit out of me. But, yeah, for the most part, it was my... No, whoopings ain't that bad. People be fucking blown out of proportion. My mom just handed them out. Yeah, I never got anything that, like, left me bruised or, like, fucked up. And everything was quick. Everything was, like, six or eight seconds of getting fucked up. Yeah, that's it. It wasn't, like, this long, drawn-out day. I remember my dad found... Somebody sold me pills one time, and then afterwards they told me... They were supposed to be hydros. Remember hydros? What is a hydros? Yeah. hydrocodone yeah like yeah they're like a worse version of like oxys or perks they were biking they used to call them yeah but uh somebody sold me hydros and then before i even took one he told me he's like yo i gotta be honest with you those are fake he's like yo he's like they're not even hydros i'm gonna just be real with you i like kind of robbed you on that and i was like okay i guess it was like this older kid i was in ninth grade whatever right but uh so yeah he burnt me on those and then i just hid them in remember build-a-bear yeah i had a build-a-bear in my room that had a tracy mcgrady jersey on it it was a panda bear with a d-mac jersey and uh dude for some reason i cut a hole in the back of the fucking build-a-bear yeah and i used to hide like my weed and shit in there yeah like under the t-mac that's a good hiding spot i thought it was genius and uh i had the the hydros in there the fake hydros and uh i forget what it was my dad like got mad at me for something and he was like or my mom got mad and she was like we're searching your room yeah and uh my dad somehow found the hiding what the hell i would look there i would be like i would never i never looked there that's crazy wait how old were you i was 14 and that was my last stuffed animal i'm gonna say at 14 i might look there. The only one left. Yeah, my dad found it and then he whooped my ass for that one. Also, he found pills and I lied. He didn't know what they were. You don't want your kid to overdo, so you gotta scare them. It was about a seven second ass whooping. The first pills I took were endoset five milligrams. I don't even know what endoset are. They said endo and cursive on it. It was like the same with perxane. Yeah, that's pre-hydrocoating. that's three oxys. That's like the first Johns they were giving out. Endoset 5 milligrams, bro. And my boy had cancer, so he had a script, and nobody gave a fuck, right? So he just had like, you know, this is 98, 99, right? Nobody cares yet. And he would just walk around and shake them like, dude, 30 at a time. Right, right. Dick them, go get 30 more. And I got lucky. I took four endoset 5 milligrams, ate four Reese's Cuffs, and drank a blue Powerade in the blink of an eye. What the fuck? Yo, second period freshman year in Spanish class. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I fucking broke out in cold sweats. I threw up and shit. I had to run in the bathroom. Then I went to lunch. I ate like half my turkey sandwich. I threw up again. God damn. So that was it. I was like, I didn't fuck with me after that. I stuck with weed. Yeah. So I was like, you know, that kind of helped me. If I would have took two, and it was incredible. Right, right. Yeah, you might have been a pill. You know what I mean? I might have went down the highway. Yeah, that's how I knew I couldn't do perch. I took a 10. I took a perk 10, the yellow ones. Yeah, the school buses. The school buses, because I had fucked up my back in a car accident. So they gave me 90 a month. And I popped one of them bitches. I smoked the backwood. Then I threw up everywhere. And I was like, all right, I can't. I got all clammy. I took four of them jobs. They do. They make you sweat like a motherfucker. That's the thing with pills is like one bad pill experience. You'll be like, I'll never do it. Yeah, I'm good. I'll drink and have a bad night and be like, I'll do it again in a week. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, same thing with not Oxys. I took Oxys once and I was like, never again. By the time Oxys hit the street, I was already like, I just smoke weed. I used to smoke dust and shit a lot. I used to smoke wet. That's fucking psycho shit. Usually like smoking wet. What the fuck, bro? Not like an everyday thing, but if somebody was like, yo, I'm going to get wet, I was like, I'm in. I got five on that. Oh, man. Yo, what the fuck? Yeah, I got five. You'd be smoking wet. Yo, smoke that. Yo, you really a Philly nigga, bro? Smoke that paint thinner, bro. I remember being on cast, like at a, like Hellamittal Castor behind the right hand. And I was against that wall with my hands in my pockets and like my butt against the wall in the snow for what felt like an eternity, bro. I remember getting stuck on that shit. Yo, what the fuck? No, what's up? I more would get stuck. Some people would go nuts. So I worked with these dudes at a bakery, right? I worked at this bakery. It was a Jewish bakery. But at night, all the brothers from the neighborhood came in with 16-ounce bush cans, and they formed all the bread for the next day. But they worked like the night shift. And they would all call it butt naked. And I was like, I have to go, why do you call it butt naked? They said, when they smoked that shit, they'd be jumping out of windows, bro. Edward, Edward, Edward. You know what I mean? But they were like, would they be smoking that shit? We understood what the pause was like. It couldn't have been anything else. He was like, they get naked, jump out a window Yeah, bro My uncle smoked that shit one time, this is when he was living in my mom's basement And I was a kid, I was probably like 11, 10, 11 years old And he smoked wet, and he came in We all sit in the living room, bro He came in the crib and was sliding up against the wall like this Like he was sneaking in, bro And my mom was like, Darryl, what the fuck is you doing? He like Just sliding up against the wall And she was like, you on that shit? She's like, get the fuck out my house And he was still acting like he couldn't hear it He was like, when she started yelling at him, he froze. When she started yelling at him, he froze. He was like nigga everybody see you You in the living room going up against the wall like this that shit was crazy yeah bro you go you go home sleep in your clothes like your shoes on and shit yeah yeah we used to smoke that shit boy god damn i only smoked wet one time i hated it it was the worst shit i hated that first time i smoked it they like lied to me and i knew right away like took like two hits i was like yo this is funny dude i took a couple hits and then i I remember there was this Puerto Rican dude named Bebo who was friends with my sister's friends. So if I'm 14, he's 32. You know what I mean? And I was like, that motherfucker's always got that shit on him, bro. And I hit it a couple times. I passed it. It came back. I hit it a couple more times. And I was like, I kind of like it. You know what I mean? So then I tried it some more. I'm sure it's not bad. I mean, listen, I've never, I've just not. I mean I've been known to get fucked up right get drunk but I was never I'm not a heavy drug user in a sense like even if we were smoking a dustbin like I would take two hits and pass it like I might take six hits you know what I mean you got control with weed like that like you be the same way with weed like you'll hit it put it out you just face the joint but he don't do that but he don't even do that all the time that joint I just smoked was from this morning yeah so like I lit one of these I lit one of these at 7.30 in the morning Face the joint and pull down another one I lit one of these at 7.30 in the morning And I smoked that joint seven, eight times Until it was gone I just I'm like, man, you would be smoking and shit And you would be like, no, I'm cool, I'm good You can have that joint I was the same way with coke, bro My boys would do lines of coke Everybody wanted to do coke with me Because I don't want a line of coke, bro I want like a key bump I was never a coke guy I used to always do the funnel with the dollar, the stoop, just a little hit. I'm good with shit like that. I don't know if you guys saw this. People keep tagging me in this shit. I guess Backwoods, somebody broke down the scientific elements of Backwoods. Yeah. And they found the main ingredients in poppers has a 1% fucking equity in Backwoods, I guess. Oh, shit. Or whatever it is. I don't know. So people keep tagging me and shit, and they're like, Drew does poppers. He's smoking, Drew's smoking poppers. That is weird as shit. I've never done poppers, but here's the thing. I know it's a thing gay guys do. Yeah, something, yeah. Which I don't know what the effects of them are, but I would assume if gay guys are doing it, it's to either make you. No, it's to either make you. If gay niggas doing it, it might make you gay. Okay, there's a third option. it either makes you gay it makes you your dick hard for guys okay or it makes your butthole loose and gotta be one of the three yo backwood make your asshole loose you laughed at that one apparently the poppers are the thing that makes your butthole loose poppers make your uh anal cavity loosen up bro it's like a muscle racks or for your backwoods make your asshole loose bro it's this fucking dreadhead retard but all right yeah play the thing yeah loose butts yeah i ain't gonna lie backwards these make me have to go shit bro dude that's what i was thinking so i whenever i i never spoke motherfucking bullshit look what the fuck they got in it bro this stuff is better better known Paul Bison. Yo, zesty-ass got them zesty-ass motherfucking words. That name. Sneaky, slippery, sly-bone. I don't know. All right. Fuck this guy. No, backwards definitely make you got it. I feel like I'm all poppers hearing that shit. That shit definitely make you got it shit, bro. No, that's the thing is that whenever I, so that's been my morning routine for the past few years is I wake up. The first thing I do in the morning is I shit and brush my teeth. Yeah. And then I go lay back down for a second, and then I hit the backwood a few times. Right. and then i go shit and then i shower but when i like the first shit i take in the morning is like kind of a fake one yeah when i hit the backwood then you go then it's on bro backwood definitely you make me used to make me hit the shit dog that shit is it because i've been on poppers for years bro making your ears making your asshole open up bro that's nasty i'm glad i was ducked them on yeah i'm happy i quit smoking backwards bro that's crazy i was i was it's not crazy for me I did it because honestly I only smoked backwoods because black guys did it don't put that on us black guys have been on poppers for years I know you guys hate gay stuff but it's been in your blood system that's crazy backwoods weren't around when I was younger so I never got into them neither were black guys 110 years old but we I could always roll joints, but we got Philly blunts for 50 cents, like $0.25. We would do that when we didn't have a dollar for a Dutch. Yeah. Now, high school is Dutchess, right? Yeah. But before high school, like pre-high school when I'm smoking weed, it's all Philly. Philly's. Pre-high school smoking weed is crazy. Yeah. Also, I started smoking weed when I was eighth grade, but that was like barely smoking weed. Yeah. First time I ever smoked was in like seventh grade. Yeah. I smoked from seventh grade till today. Maybe seventh grade. I started smoking heavy like 11th grade. Yeah, 7th grade I was on it. 7th grade I was like, this is what's up. Actually, no, yeah, I bought weed in the 7th grade, and I think I smoked it out of a beer can. But I never rolled a blunt and actually smoked it. I didn't start rolling until high school, until like 11th, 12th grade. I didn't know how to roll backwards, so I got to college. That's when I started smoking backwards. So I rolled for everybody. Everybody would ask me to roll. So that means you was Chief Keefe. You was the Chief, yeah. I went into high school, and it's funny. I was the guy who like everybody smoked with for the first time. Yeah. Like, you know, I just had to call my homie Mace. Like Mace, keep your, keep your, I got weed. I got a Dutch, keep your relationship with me. As long as I can smoke with you. Seventh grade, my boy. So I went to a different school where I grew up. I went to a school a couple miles away because tuition was cheaper. I was the only Jewish kid in Catholic school. So my parents sent me to a Ukrainian Catholic school because it was cheaper than the one I see in the boulevard. They're like, yo, we save a thousand bucks a year. I know you ain't Ukrainian, but just go here for two years. So then I met friends from Mayfair. I never knew Mayfair and Tocconia was a place on earth. So I met friends from Mayfair. So my friend from Mayfair brought two rolled fillies in a cassette to my neighborhood on Adams Avenue, and me, him, and two of my friends, we each shared one. Me and you shared one, and them two shared one. And then all my friends who were in the neighborhood now wanted to beat my friend up for bringing weed down from another neighborhood. Like, you know what I mean? We can't have that. You know what I mean? If we patrol these streets. So they wanted to beat my friend up. So my first time smoking weed, all my friends from the neighborhood chased my friend from Mayfair. Like, he ran back into my mom's house. We go back there. And he was like, I'm just going to call my parents to come get me. You know what I mean? Like, I can't go out there. Did you get high the first time? Yeah, I was choo-choo training, bro. I didn't get high until like a year after I smoked weed. I was never inhaling it. I didn't know anything about it. The first time I smoked, I was like, this is it for me. I remember the first few times I smoked weed, maybe like the first five, six times. I almost said five or eight. Like that was the thing. But five or six times I smoked weed, I didn't get high. And then I smoked with my cousin one time. And he like told me, he's like, yo, you're not inhaling it. And he like taught me how to do it. And then we went and played his – he had just graduated high school, and he was playing in the Turkey Bowl, which was like – you know the Turkey Bowl. It's like all your boys come back and play the high school game. And I was down seeing his family, and it was my first time ever being high. I was like maybe 15, and it was just a bunch of dudes that were way older than me and more athletic than me. And for some reason I had the Pink Panther stuck in my head, and I was moving like him. you ever see how the pink panther move yeah i was moving like that on the football field bro i was just getting smoked just bigger kids fucking tackling the shit out of me i remember my sisters like finally like i i had to go get my sister's weed i was i was in seventh or eighth i was in eighth grade probably my sisters my youngest sister's eight years older than me but they were like oh shit like our little brother like getting us weed but yeah there was a house right off the boulevard like f street and you go around the back and you ring the bottom bell you go up some metal steps and then they open the door like old school nick bag yeah you can roll like two small fillies out of one nick bag for like five bucks yeah them bags to be fat yeah yeah and then um that's how when naim used to smoke weed he would roll five blunts out of a 0.5 it was crazy yeah bro i don't like all that weed in my goddamn backwood bro we don't put too much weed in that bitch so that's joints are the best man yeah like the pre-rolls pre-rolls but like i still just roll joints every day but uh joints are the best because it's like if you smoke them by yourself all the time even one other person is cool you don't get like fucking super stoned and joints smell like weed like you smoke backwards all day you stink like shit kind of like you stink like shit you smell like actual shit backwards do stink but you don't people think you're not smoking them but and the blunts backwards dutch is all of them like and if people come up like if somebody's next to you you're like oh that motherfucker stinks like shit yeah but if someone smokes joints you're like oh he stinks like weed that motherfucker stinks like i always do feel bad so i've had three roommates in the time i've lived at my house and uh none of them smoke weed yeah i guess ben smoked a little bit of weed yeah courtney never smoked the most when he lived with you yeah he doesn't smoke backwards but courtney didn't smoke and matt doesn't smoke and uh the house smells like nothing but backwards now that still make a whole house now that my son is older i always smoke out back i hide back by the creek but if i'm gonna smoke in the house like sunday mornings saturday sunday i get the pussy right like wake up that's like me and tippy's time we're so busy during the week we do so much shit saturday and sunday's pussy time right so i always turn the shower all the way on hot like i'm in a hotel room open up all the windows light some candles and then i take a shit smoke a joint in the morning right right You know what I mean? But I got like a master bathroom. You shit and smoke with the door open? Well, I don't have a door in my bathroom. Oh. I have a master bathroom off of the bedroom. There's no door. Like, you can see everything that happens. Did you do that because you wanted to see your wife shit or you wanted her to see? You can't see the toilet. You can't see the toilet, but you see the tub. But there was thought in that. No, so it's for the tub. You wanted to hear her shit. It's for the tub, right? My wife don't shit in front of me because I hit her. My wife shits in the hall bath. My wife don't shit in front of me. She don't fart in front of me. She farts in front of me. I'll smack this. You should never hear your wife fart. I will not condone. You take the plunger chain off and start stomping it down. I will not condone such behavior. I can lay in my bed and the bathtub is straight through. So my wife takes a lot of baths, so I can lay in bed and talk to her in the bathtub. I don't like getting in the bathtub. That's fire. I don't like getting in the bathtub. That's gay as hell, a nigga in the bathtub. You a grown ass man. Have y'all ever been in the bathtub at the same time? One time. Sometimes they're going to make you do it. It was the day we put the bathtub in. You had almost no water in there. Yo, five-gallon bucket maybe, right? So, listen, I'm getting pussed. I'm getting pussed, dude. I'm holding on to the rails, and I'm pumping to the sky, baby. I'm doing work, right? I'm throwing for fucking oil, dude. What's on in the background? Dude, baby face always. We're big bad face family. But yo, I actually got a picture. Baby face. I'll show you the picture of you fucking your wife in the bathtub. Me in the bathtub the one time I was in there. And we had Miller High Life champagne bottles. And that's what we were drinking in champagne glasses, right? Yeah. So then I'm up in the puss crazy. I'm holding the sides. I'm thrusting up. She's like going to top me. And when I get up out of the water, you realize how a little bit of water is in there. But, you know, the shit was like right by my ear. So I got swimmers here in the pussy, dog. The water was like right in my ear. My head's like in the water. And I'm like going to town. I had to like sleep on my side so I could fucking drain my ear and shit. What the fuck, bro? Swimmer's Ear from fire. Yeah, all right. We're calling the episode Swimmer's Ear. God damn. I think it's my, I always got it on my, I think, is there a cover photo? Is that a thing? Yeah, hold on. Look. I got to see this. Boom. We're all been there chilling. Oh, my God. That's beautiful. Oh, yeah. Nice. But that was the, it's funny. So that faucet, see that faucet? Yeah. That's not my real faucet, right? Yeah. So I put the bathtub in and my faucet wasn't ready. Like it would be another month. So I went into the supply house as a showroom and I went into the showroom with a wrench and I took that fucking faucet. And I took that shit home. I was like, I'm going to bed tonight. But that's the only bath I ever got. It hurts my butt. Right. So I just bought. You don't even want to know what I spent on this shit. But on a new tub. No, I bought pillows. That tub's like fifty two hundred bucks. That tub's crazy. Right. They go inside the tub. That tub's better. I spent like $700 on tub pillows, right? Damn. But they're the best. Underwater pillows? Underwater tub pillows? It's crazy. I got three of them, so you could just be puffed up in the motherfucking tub. Would you not think Mr. Tub's that underwater tub stuff? That's true. So I hooked him up, but I haven't gotten a... I just can't get a bath. It's gay. Yeah, I'm not doing that, dog. But my wife... That's too fancy. So you and your wife sit in the hot tub in your bathroom? Yeah, we could. I mean, she's in there all the time. She takes a bath once or twice a week, and I lay in bed. Now she's got pillows to sit on. The cleanest ladies take baths, bro. Yeah, my bitch is always in there. Dude, we listen to nothing but R&B in her house. She fucking, we got the radios in the fucking light. She drinks wine and shit like that. She reads a book. She lights candles. And then I can lay on my bed, and we can talk like it's straight through. So we'll bullshit. Tubbs always tells me that when he dies that I'm going to take over his fortune. I hate to say it, but Tiff does love me, and I think that he has a lot of money, and she's a beautiful lady, and the kids are cool. But the more you tell me cool shit like this, I'm like, I'm counting down the days, brother. I'm counting down the days. Honestly. You're telling me I got a hot tub and huge tits waiting for me while I lay in my bed? Honestly. tell me you got hbo mac and i'll fucking kill you myself you guys got peacock drop the fucking poison in the beer not for nothing but if it all had to go to somebody dog i'm with it when i ain't gonna be it ain't gonna matter to me you know what i mean i will cry at the funeral tears of sadness and joy at the same time yo cause my wife loves a wigger man she loves she loves evanin she loves like dude my here's the thing i've always wanted a son that's gonna be an athlete and the older I get, I'm probably not going to have one. So, boy, just jumping into one that's already there. It's like Drew's at the old signing day. Yeah, just me dawning in three hats. Like the one that got him there. The fitted boy, bro. Hey, yo. Yo, dude, I'm telling you, my wife just, dude, she's got a type, bro. And there he is. There you go. I feel like I'm a lot like you except a little bit less motivated and successful. But it's also different, dude. You picked comedy and I picked plumbing, brother. This one's way more lucrative than the other. Well, I hope it's mine. Nah, no shot, though. No shot. The kind of bread we're making out here, You got no chance, brother. You better get on it. You better get on it. No shot. No shot. I'll be back in a few years. Don't worry. Every comedian I met. Speaking of money, let's wrap this and go to the Patreon. Every comedian I met in Virginia is like a plumber, a construction worker. And they all got fucking mansions and shit, bro. They got rich ass comedians. Everyone that's doing construction is killing us. Yes. I don't know nothing about it. And funny on stage. It's like, damn, motherfucker. It's funny. Ain't y'all rich. That shit crazy as hell. These guys are killing it. Tubbs, plug your stuff. Tell the people where to find you. Tubbs, where do they got to go, Tubbs? Workforce Titans. Hell yeah. Live stream every Thursday. YouTube.com slash fostercare69. Patreon.com backslash fostercare. Also, you can buy merch at local42069.com. The merch. Yo, and bruh, did you see that video I posted the other day? the fucking Chinese bath. We can put it up on here to the soap suds. That shit, I got like 650,000 views. Damn. Nice. Since I've been viral, I've been moving different. Ooh. Gotta watch out for it. So check me out. Check him out. Danny, while you're doing plugs, go ahead and do them again. No, I'm just kidding. Patreon.com slash do-regging the deer tag. Yes. Check that out. Me and Naeem are killing it over there, dude. We got a lot of fun stuff. Yeah. Get on the Patreon. Here's the thing. People are saying that the do-rag Patreon is the best thing in the world right now. That's what I heard. Not enough people are saying it. So you should all get over there and check it out. Well, also, speaking of money, someone has a real shot tonight. Oh, Shark Tank is happening tonight. I forgot about that. Every time we have a Jewish guest, we do Shark Tank on the Patreon. Tubbs is going to invest in a real business tonight. Yeah, you'll be able to come up with your ideas, bro. Somebody has a chance to get an actual millionaire. He was just talking money. Someone's going to get invested in it tonight. get on do rag patreon.com slash drag and the deer tag me and Naeem are going to be on the road this whole summer yes I'm going to be in Cincinnati April 18th me and Naeem are going to be together in Canada April 23rd 24th and 25th I'm going to be in Baltimore Raleigh Buffalo Syracuse Virginia Beach Maine Boston Buffalo Virginia Beach all that shit Jamesville Wisconsin Columbus come get your fucking ass kicked on the road, man. I can't wait to get out there. You got a bunch of stuff, too. I'm going to be in fucking Columbus, Easton, Canada, fucking... Just check my damn Instagram. Shout out to all my folks in Virginia. Y'all showed me a great time down there. Thank y'all. Shout out to Gunner, fucking Isaac, Chris Porter. You mean? Shout out to the dogs, bro. I say right now, we agree. Me and Naeem, Denver, Colorado. Denver. We coming to Denver. yeah let's do it we'll be there kentucky i'm gonna be in kentucky come out y'all yeah we gotta get back out there and uh yeah get on the patreon love you guys see you over there peace