What Happens When Parenting Styles Clash

We're currently running a special limited time five week Q&A series exclusively for our Bratbusters boot camp members. Throughout April, I'm featuring selected member questions alongside the most common implementation hurdles in an exclusive episode each week for five weeks. If you're not already a member, it's not too late to be part of this series. You'll get an instant access to the episodes already released and the final episode question submission deadline is April 23 at 3pm Pacific Time. Go to bratbusters.com or check out the podcast description to learn more and join the Bratbusters boot camp today. Lots of parents argue over parenting, but they only do it when things aren't going well. When everything's going great, they both compliment each other. They're on the same page. A parenting approach is similar, so using consequences and connecting and having fun. But my partner raises his voice a lot, almost borderline yelling, and uses more shameful rhetoric with all three year olds. Well, that's the authority style. It's my way or the highway, and it is intimidation based, okay? My son's father does not agree with your methods and is very much into the authoritative, non-accountable methods, which I strongly disagree with. Okay, there's a couple things here. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what is today's topic? Today's topic is what happens when parenting styles clash. Okay, which they do. We're talking the two parents, right? Yes. Okay, so the two parents don't agree on a parenting style. That only happens if things aren't going well. If everything's going great, you never discuss it because everything's going great, right? So it's only when things aren't going well and you're both struggling to find something that works. Nothing's working so you blame the other person. It's your parenting style that isn't working. But sometimes one parent is a better leader than the other. And so we'll get into that too, I'm sure. Yeah, I think that oftentimes you hear about this and one parent feels the other is too strict. The other one feels the other is too lenient. Do you see that a lot? Oh, yes, all the time. All the time. And it's interesting because they'll say, well, he's the fun. There's just too many different scenarios really. But sometimes they'll say, well, I do all the disciplining, but the kids go to him because he's the fun one. So then they feel like the heavy because they're the one disciplining all the time. So everything's on the shoulder of one person. When you're a leader, you want to be the one who disciplines all the time. So it kind of sounds a little bit confusing, but I don't see discipline as a negative. I see it as a positive, bringing them into the light is the way I look at it. So a lot of parents feel that disciplining makes you the heavy. And that means that they're probably disciplining sort of in a way where it is almost kind of meaner. They feel like it's mean. So, yeah, that's a big, that's a really common one. And I can envision that where parents feel they have to play good cop, bad cop kind of thing. That's exactly what it is. And yet I see the leadership is the good. Not there isn't a good and bad, but it's just the leadership is the one that is the most connected with the kids. Usually the leader is. So the leader is actually the prized role. And a lot of parents argue over who has to be the heavy, whereas the leader isn't the heavy. That's just the leader, right? Now, let's say if you're asked how to get parents on the same page, how do you approach that? Okay. Well, usually what I say is you, if you're working with me, you don't. That's a little bit different. But if it's without coaching, coaching is different because they're obviously going to get on the same page because they're going to work with me, right? But if not, so what you do is you just say, look, and you have to have a plan. You each have a parenting plan. Here's my plan, plan A, your plan is plan B, plan B. So we're going to flip a coin and to see which plan to go with. And we're going to do it for three weeks. Okay. If it doesn't work, we keep going, but it doesn't work. We go to the other one. So you just flip a coin to see who goes first. The problem is that you have to have a very set plan. Say, this is what we're going to do when the kids do that. This is how we're going to handle it. This is how we're going to connect with them. This is what we're going to do during tantrums. It has to be a plan. You can't just say my way or the highway. It can't be like that. You have to be willing to make out a plan. Now, do you think that it works when parents try and mix their two parenting styles? I don't even, you know, I don't think they do. You know why? They tend to be polar opposites. Once they start disagreeing, they tend to go in completely different directions. It's quite fascinating. It's like they're trying to, you know, one goes one way like in a big way and the other one goes the other way in a big way. That's usually what happens. It's quite interesting. Is it almost like you dig your heels in a little harder? Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Your way sucks. So now my way and I'm, yeah, they do exactly. Exactly what happens. Okay. Do you want to get right into the parenting questions? Sure. That might be a good way to get rolling with all this. Okay. The first one is Erica from the United States. My daughter is almost two when she's having a tantrum. I have no issue ignoring it and then resuming the fun when she's done. The problem is no one else in my family ignores her. They all try to intervene to stop the tantrum. What do I do? Well, now you're asking me how you handle other adults and I don't really do that. Do you know what I'm saying? So everybody else, I can't get to them. If they don't respect what you're doing, I can't help you with that. You have to get, maybe show them some of my videos and say, look, show them a pool story. The pool story is usually what pulls a lot of opposing parents or other people in to my method. It's called the pool story. You can literally just Google Brad Buster's pool story. And then if they like that, say, look, this is how she, how she treats children and she says to handle tantrums this way, but I can't help you handle, especially other adults. That's a tricky one. If it's, if it's not the other parent, if it's in laws or your parents or the grandparents and they're undermining you, you can say this, you can say, when you undermine my parenting, you're hurting my feelings. They're going to come back with this. We're just trying to help. Our intentions are great. Yeah, it's not helping. You're still hurting my feelings. And if they continue to do so, they're basically admitting to willingly hurting your feelings. The only thing I can ever come up with. Now, what if it is the other children? Let's say you have a six year old who is trying to intervene. Well, then you've got to hand, you got to be a leader for that six year old. You've got to teach them, look, you, you're not the parent I am. Every time you try and parent and that means this and this and this, then you're going to get a consequence. So put it on the behavior board. No parenting your siblings, but explain what that means. So put it on the behavior board. Yeah, you got a parent, that child who's trying to parent the other kids. By the way, they only do that when they feel you're not in control. They do it when they feel you don't know what you're doing. That's usually what happens. It's such a short story, but do you want to say what my brother did that day that I was being a real pain when I was like two? Well, she was two years old and she was a very easy child. I think she was cutting a tooth and we're all out back and my, my son would have been seven. So the three of us are out back and she was in a mood, but she never cried or tantrumed or anything, but she just that that she was ordering her brother around, right? So he's putting her up on the swing and then he's taking her over. And she kept ordering him around grunting and by the end of the day, he said to me, he's seven years old. He goes, Oh, what are we going to do with her? That's if he was the parent. It was so cute. She was leaving me alone, but she was bugging her brother all day long and he was so sweet with her. Isn't that cute? What are we going to do with her? You loved it ordering your brother around. You absolutely loved it. I'm sure I did. Mm hmm. Okay. The next one is Jamie from New Zealand. Could you explore with us how to manage different parenting styles between parents? I follow the brat busters approach, but my partner is quite stubborn and wants to parent in a different way. A parenting approach is similar. So using consequences and connecting and having fun, but my partner raises his voice a lot, almost borderline yelling and uses more shameful rhetoric with all three year old. So you were disappointed me with your behavior. Our discussions around this have gotten nowhere. He's stubborn and will continue to parent this way. I think I'm just after some advice around this. I would love me and I partner to parent the same, but I'm hoping that at least one parent parenting in this way. So being the calm leader, no yelling and not using shame and discipline. Will help influence my child in a positive way. Yeah. The shaming and blaming and the yelling, that's all you're trying to intimidate and you're getting trying to make the kids afraid of you. It's not a strong, it's a very weak parenting style, by the way. It's not strong at all. You can tell them that, but probably won't appreciate that. But yeah, as I said earlier, show them the pool story. Most men like that. It's short. It explains how you treat kids. I just go in. I don't let anything go by the way. I'm very, you know, if they do something naughty, I address it right away. But then I let it go. I let it go really quickly. The shaming and blaming afterwards is just bullying. That's what he's doing. He's bullying the kids. He doesn't realize that you can, I don't know if you can tell him that. He might just get even more upset. The problem is he's probably very defensive because now the thing is if he does have to yell and shame and blame, that means the kids aren't their behavior isn't great anyway. So that's the problem. It's not working. So you can tell him that look, if you have to yell and you have to shame and blame them, it's not working. Okay. Cause you never have, if you're a leader, you don't have to yell. You don't have to shame and blame. So you can try that stuff, but I think he's going to dig his heels in and just resent you for it. You might want to show him the pool story. You might want to say, look, can we just go with this? Like I said earlier, can we go my way for three weeks and see how it goes and see what he says to that. But again, you're asking me how to control other adults. It's very tricky. I've never, you know, I, if I can get them in a session, I can change them. But other than that, and even that, there's no guarantees with that at all. So it's tricky. I think that would be tough as well. And I think that some people see possibly that method as being a sign of strength. It's the, it's exact opposite. If you have to yell and discuss bad behavior and blame and shame and go on about it, that's weak. You're not a leader at all. No, it's fear, but it's intimidation based. Now let's say you were raised like that. Maybe your parents yelled at you and you see your parents as strong figures. How do you navigate kind of breaking that cycle? Well, that's the authority style. It's my way or the highway and it is intimidation based. Okay. So if you, if you're comfortable with that, if you know what your goal is to intimidate, then go with it. I mean, that's, that's fine, but it is intimidation based. Okay. And it is not, they're not accountable. Parents who the old fashioned authority style, they're not accountable. It's not a horrible way to parent, by the way, because they usually are on top of the kids and their behavior. The pleaser parent style is a total disaster. Pete, the pendulum swung the other way because a lot of parents who are raised by authorities weren't happy about that. They felt like they weren't heard. So they swung the other way. And now they're trying to give their kids choices over everything, discussing everything, good and bad behavior. There's too much talk, then there's too much yelling because the kids are out of control. The, the pleaser parent style are way more inclined to yell than the authority. Okay. And the leaders don't have to yell at all. So, because you're a leader, the leaders don't need to yell, but the pleaser parent style are the most likely parents to yell because the kids are the most out of control. But the authority, like, you know, that's not a bad way to parent. It's just not my, not my style. And the next one is Lisa from Norway. So this is just part of the question. We have three kids, 12, five and 13 months plus another on the way. A question that they have is we, so husband and I are both on board with calm leadership philosophy, but sometimes disagree on what would be the right move in the situation. We don't want to discuss it then and there in front of the kids, but I also don't want to wait too long with taking any action. Any suggestions on how to choose the right move? Yeah. You say, we'll discuss this after dinner and then you can discuss it. It's a really good time to talk about behaviors because not at the end of the day. So you can kind of bundle up the whole day and then it's after dinner and it's before bedtime. You don't want to ruin dinner. You don't want to ruin bedtime. Okay. So say we'll discuss it after bedtime or you can even say your dad and I'll talk about it or your mom and I'll talk about it and then we'll discuss it with you after. That's okay because they're three and above. If they're under three, it has to be right in the moment and it's consistent, corrective actions. It's more straightforward, but it has to be in the moment. But three and above, you can delay it and say when you're going to discuss it. Don't just say later. Say when. It makes you look more organized. Just let the mom and dad are going to have a meeting. Well, it gives them time to sweat. You time to think and them time to sweat. Yeah. It's a really good way to deal with it. It makes you look even stronger actually. Yeah, I'll give that some thought. I'll tell you what. We'll talk about it after dinner. That's how I talk. Okay. We'll discuss it after dinner. Okay. I do remember that growing up. There were some times where you would say that and I'd be like, huh, sweating. Okay. Another thing too is that you don't both have to be the same and this is what comes up all the time in coaching, but the, there has to be one leader, but the other one just needs to support the leader. You can defer to the leader and say, I'll tell you what, let's say mom's the leader. The other parent can just say, I'll tell you what, I'll discuss this with mom. They already know who the leader is. There's always one stronger leader. They already know. Okay. They only need one leader, but if you're together as a team, it still works. So you don't both have to be leaders, but the other one who is not the leader, just has to defer to and back up and support the leader. So they know you're on the same page. I'll give you a really good example of this. My dad was the pleaser and he spoiled me and my mom wasn't. She was more the leader and I remember the first few years of my life, whatever I said to my dad, daddy, can I have them? And he goes, sure, sweetie pie, you can have anything you want. And I remember mom started to say, don't give her whatever she wants filled. You're going to spoil her. And I can remember one day I said to my dad, daddy, can I have that? And he says, sure, sweetie pie, you can have anything you want. And he said, oops, wait a minute. Let's ask mom first. And I said, Oh, never mind. So changed overnight. All of a sudden they were on the same team and it changed. So he didn't, he didn't do it. I knew my mom was in charge, but I still respected my dad more for backing my mom. I think that's as well a really good point because I think so many parents think that they have to be equally as invested in the calm leadership parenting method. Not at all. Cause there is, I loved it by the way. I love all this stuff that the leader is also really good at connecting with kids, really fun, really goofy. So it's a, it's a great role to have, but it doesn't come naturally to everybody. It's easier for some. So there usually is one parent that I'm working with and coaching that it just comes more naturally to, they find it easier. So they do become the head leader. Okay. And then the other one just backs them up. So it's a win-win situation. You don't have to be as strong or as good at leadership as the other one. You just have to back them up. Okay. We're getting to the next question. So Nihha from India. My daughter's four year old, years old. It happens frequently that I ask her to do something like get ready for class or eat breakfast. And she just says no. Sometimes she agrees readily. It depends on what she's engaged in. In such cases, I sometimes do playful things to get her to do the job. But there are times when I just get angry and scold her or try to reason with her with a raised voice. She starts crying and my husband takes her in his arms and tries to distract her. That makes me more angry that he doesn't back me up. He thinks I shouldn't get angry or force the kid. Am I feeling wrong and feeling frustrated sometimes? I also have work stress and other worries, which leads to this breakdown sometimes. How do I address the frequently saying, no problem with my girl? Well, let's just address one situation at a time. School morning routine. I'm assuming is what you're talking about. I do that a little bit differently. There's only two things that I regularly use incentive with. One is potty training and one is school morning. And this is the way school morning goes. You don't have to use screens, but I always teach it with screens. So you said she will get ready unless she's doing something else. I'm assuming it's something fun. I would make sure I withhold the fun until she's done everything she needs to do. But it doesn't sound like you have a system. I would literally have a checklist up and on the behavior board. I would put down follow school morning routine. And then underneath I would have a checklist of what school morning routine is. Get dressed, brush your teeth, eat, pack up, whatever she has to do. Okay. So you write that down. I put a checklist in the bathroom, in her bedroom and on the behavior board in the kitchen or a high traffic area. So she can't miss it. There is a checklist. You don't have to, she doesn't have to check it all off. Although sometimes that works really well. You can put it on a white board and she can just check it off. Anyway, so now she has a checklist. Now let's say that you have to leave by eight. This is just an example of how it can go. So you want them to, wanted to get up at seven and you're leaving the house by eight. You say to her, if you've completed your school morning routine, the checklist by 745, you get 10 minutes on the iPad or 10 minutes of TV. Okay. 745, then you get 10 minutes. Then at 755, it goes off and we leave. We've got five minutes to get out the door every single day. So it's incentive base because you know why I do it with school morning routine? I see, I see that almost like potty training. It's almost like a bodily function. It's hard to get, it's hard to go, you know, to train themselves, their bodies to go to the bathroom. It's also hard to train their bodies to get up and do what they need to do right away because they're tired. They're waking up, right? So that's why I treat it that way. Also, there's no punishment involved in this, but the incentive lessons the next day. You say to them, look, if you don't get off the computer or whatever it is, the, turn the TV off by 755 when that 10 minutes is up, the next day you only get five minutes. So you're not going to take it away completely because then you got nothing to bribe them with, right? It is a bribery system, but it's more self-propelled. All they have to do is do, follow the school morning routine, then they've got 10 minutes on the iPad or whatever, and then they turn it off. And then the next morning it's rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Sometimes it'll get to the point where they just get so good at this, they don't even need the iPad anymore, you know, or they might finish early and say, can I have it now? And you say, no, it doesn't go on until 745. A lot of parents struggle with this. The kids, they raced around, they got everything done in 20 minutes and then they wanted it for 50 or 20 minutes, the iPad. No, you have to get a plan and stick to it like blue. Okay. Works really well. It's one of the most common things that I teach in parenting and coaching and it works really, really well. Usually there's exceptions, but that's the general advice that I hand out. Now, all of a sudden she's in charge of her school morning routine. She's four years old. She can start to learn this. Where's her pride? You know, she's learning how to earn something. Wait, you know, if I get up and get all ready, get all packed up, then I've just earned some time on the iPad or the TV or whatever. So it's a pride thing too and self-discipline. It's teaching her a whole bunch of stuff. Do you want to address the husband intervening with the hug? Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. Well, yeah, that, well, okay. So he hugs when she gets upset. He hugs her. So he's just rewarding the bad behavior. You can't, you've got to get him on board with this and I can't, I always say, I can't help you control another adult. I can't, you know, it's just not, it's not my lane. I can't do it. No one can help you with that. Okay. So no one can, no one can force him to do what you want is what I'm saying. He has to want to do it. You have to get him on board with this and that is one of your challenges. Unfortunately. Would you like me to just read out that section of the question? There's a couple of details. So it says there are times when I just get angry and scold her or try to reason with her with a raised voice. She starts crying and my husband takes her in his arms and tries to distract her. That makes me more angry that it doesn't back me up. He thinks I shouldn't get angry or force the kid. Okay. Well, you're scolding her. Where's the consequence that's scolding? Like it's not working anyway. She's probably crying. You're yelling. So I can't blame you for getting upset and yelling or him for trying to protect her. So he's probably trying to protect her in that instance. If she's being yelled at and scolded at, right? I don't teach that stuff. So if she's being yelled at, then he's trying to protect her. So I'm, I'm actually defending him on that one. Okay. But if she's just whining and complaining and then he goes in and gives her whatever she wants, that's a different thing. But this is when you're yelling and yelling at her and scolding her. I don't teach either one of those. He run, he jumps into protect her. So I don't blame him for that. So I'm just teaching you another way. I'm not criticizing you for doing that. I'm saying that's what he's doing though. I'm assuming. Okay. So there is another way I teach leadership. I don't teach scolding. I don't teach how to use a stern voice. I don't talk like that. So use your leadership skills. Just check, you can check out the free behavior board and how to get started with all this. And we've got tons of podcasts and all this stuff. But a lot of it is body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. If you show anger, frustration or disappointment, you're not a leader. Okay. Leaders stay very calm. You stay calm during the storms when you're disciplining. It's just like a business transaction. He probably wouldn't jump in and hug her if you, if you didn't yell at her. I'm assuming. Okay. The next one is Kyle from the United States. My wife and I have been struggling without three year old biting her one year old sister. I've been trying to implement a consequence. So a chore like wiping baseboards without getting angry or making her feel bad about herself. And my wife didn't feel like that was the best consequence. She feels that doing a random chore after hurting her sister doesn't really make sense, especially when the three year old already loves helping with chores. I then tried to think of a consequence I could use, which could be something nice that she could do for making up for the naughty thing she did. I thought of letting the one year old pick a toy or stuffy that belongs to the three year old and the three year old would have to share that with a short period of time, about 30 minutes or so. My wife says that she feels like that if this was her and her sisters, this consequence would only make her resent her sister. What are your thoughts? Well, that's is what I teach. The punishment doesn't always have to fit the crime, but if it is aggression towards a sibling, I do recommend that that sibling, it only works if the siblings younger because they care about the older kids toys and the older kids don't care about the little kids toys. But let's say I would definitely if she hurt the little, the one year old, I would focus and fuss over the one year old and I would play with them with her favorite toy, the three year old's favorite toy for about maybe even just five minutes, whatever. That's what I would do. Yep. I would do that. And then she said that she feels they would build resentment towards the one year old. It tends to make them mad at the parents, not the baby. And what are your thoughts on the chores, its consequences? They're great. There's nothing wrong with that. You're teaching them to do a good deed. You did something bad. Now you replace it with something good. They don't have to hate it. It's better if they don't like it, but they don't have to hate it. But there's some chores that all kids hate. Most of them. One of them is they don't like cleaning the top of baseboards. They don't like cleaning toothpaste out of bathroom sinks. They don't like cleaning the, I always forget what it's called, the tracks where the sliding doors go. It could be in the shower or in the patio. You know, the tracks, they could just get a wet rag and clean out the tracks down there. They don't usually like doing that. So there's usually some chores they don't like doing. So it's not so much that they have to hate doing it, but it's replacing a bad deed with a good deed. That's what we're doing here. And if they don't do it, then you go to the negative consequence, which is taking something away. But if they hit their little sister, the perfect obvious one is just a fuss over the baby. Oh, did she hit you? Okay. And then you can say, give me your favorite toy here. I'll let them kick and scream, take, try their little fingers off that favorite toy, the three year old. And then you play with that with a little one with that toy. You were mentioning all those chores and I was like, oh, those all sound horrendous. See, I like cleaning. So to me, they were like, no, that's not true. I don't like cleaning the tracks. I don't like doing that either. Tideus. Yeah, I just don't like it's really gross, but I do it all the time, but I don't like it. Okay. We have one final question. So Emily from the United Kingdom, how would you approach parenting disagreements? I have a 17 month old son as a first time mom. I have no idea what I'm doing and your podcast has been a lifesaver in many instances as my son becomes a toddler. I'm a huge advocate for all of your parenting methods and apply them as best I can. However, my son's father does not agree with your methods and is very much into the authoritative non-accountable methods, which I strongly disagree with. This is not consistent corrective actions for our toddler or for our son as he gets one response from me and a very different response from his father. As our son gets older, behavior boards will be used, et cetera. This dad won't participate in a parent in a calm manner. Okay. There's a couple of things here. The leaders are the ones that the kids are the most drawn to throughout the years. The kids that your son will be going to you and telling you everything, not the dad. They tend to do that. They tend to lean into the leader. The leader is the one that makes them feel the best about themselves. That's what you're doing. When he's doing the authority style, it can work. It's not bad. It can work, but they will rebel in the teen years if they have it in them. Because as a leader, there's nothing to rebel against. You're working together with them because you're accountable also. So authority builds resentment. That's the difference. So the kids will resent him as a teenager and they will rebel if he continues with this stern authority style. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions. Okay. I think a lot of it is just how do we get on the same page basically? And I think the best piece of advice I've got for you is just flip a coin. But you have to have a plan though. You can't just flip a coin and say, my way. You can't do it like that. You have to write it out, put the bullet points down. You can even discuss your two different plans and say, I like this. I don't. I like that. Okay. So this is my plan. This is how we're going to handle tantrums, potty training, sharing, bullying, whatever you've got. Say, you know, write it out, write out the hot points that you're dealing with and then say how you want to deal with them. And then you flip a coin and you both with a really good attitude, you follow along with you. Lost the coin flip. You follow along for three weeks. If it tanks, you abandon it and go to the other one. If it goes well, just keep going. Don't fight. Don't change what is what's working. I shouldn't always say that because what happens is a lot of what works with younger kids won't work as they get older. But generally that's my, that's my general advice. If it's working, just keep going with it. Okay. Well, I think that's a great place to end. Okay. Um, and by the way, you're not alone. If, you know, lots of parents argue over parenting, but they only do it when things aren't going well. When everything's going great, they both compliment each other. They're on the same page. It's all wonderful. I mean, I feel like that's like everything that's like finances. That's like, I feel like people aren't arguing when everything's just going. There are tons of money in the bank. Yeah. So you're only arguing because it isn't working. So you want to, and give the, give each other a fair go. You know, like I said, flip a coin so that it's fair, fair and reasonable and say, okay, whoever wins the coin toss, they get their way for three weeks. Okay. So give that a go. Anyway, thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private one-on-one coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.