Stop Letting Shame Win | Sadie Robertson Huff | Christian Bevere & Tori Masters

What is up sisters and friends? Happy Monday everybody! I hope you're having a great start to your week but it is about to get way better because we have two guests here in the house who actually you guys have requested several times to be on the podcast. We finally made it happen and we did you one better. They're together because they are such sweet friends and I can't wait to talk all things dating, marriage, motherhood. We could really talk about it all but we have Tory Masters and Christian Bavir on the podcast. I'm so excited. Thanks for having us. Truly a blessing and an honor. And for giving us an excuse to hang out. I know literally. We just had our first dinner by ourselves without kids or husbands last night. We were like we've been friends for four years and we just had our first date. Oh my gosh. It was really special. I know. I totally get that. Any excuse. I have a girls conference coming up and I was like Christian could this my husband Christian. I was like Christian could this be one that me and the girls go to because it's same when you're a mom. It's very hard to just hang out and it typically goes like this. The mom's hang out, the guys hang out and the mom's have all the kids. I know. So let's go ladies. Way to get out of the house and do it. That's awesome. So fun. But you both, y'all are doing so many amazing things. Y'all are crushing it in motherhood, doing so many things in ministry at Christian. This book has been reaching so many people. You can have a podcast on it. Future husband, present prayers, which just pause there. A lot of you probably need to read a book like this. Future husband, present prayers. I actually just talked to someone. It was yesterday. She was like I'm really struggling because I'm single and I want to find my husband and do you have any advice. And I was actually sending her to some podcasts that I'd listened to. But this is the book I need to send her to. But I'm thankful that we're having this conversation because so many people are in that stage of waiting for their spouse. And you guys, we could talk about so many things, but I do want us to talk a lot about that today because y'all can speak so much into that. But before we get to that, tell us a little bit about who both of you are and then how you all met. You start. Oh, jeegs. Okay. We even said we're like, we need to have one line where we like finish each other sentences. But we didn't. And you did it. Darn it. That's a step brother's moment. That is so funny. A little bit about us. I mean, we connected because I think we just have such similar values and like missions in life and have gone through a lot of the same stuff. And a lot of friends were like, y'all need to meet each other. And so, yeah, we're like, okay, we need to connect. And so I just happened to be in Nashville for some work and I think I slid into her DMs and was like, Hey, if you're in town, we should totally double date. And it worked out. And then, you know, it's always funny because you're like bringing your husband along and you're like hoping they connect or they like totally bromance it out on our day. My husband's always like, I don't need to be friend. Like you don't need to set me up with someone just because it's been then it worked out. Yeah. And then every time we hang out, like they're like, they're not hanging out and they're like jealous. And so then we ended up getting pregnant around the same time. And now our three year old little boys are starting soccer on Saturday together. So cute. And it's just been really beautiful to have, you know, we were talking about this this morning, it's like beautiful to have a friend you can have coffee with and that you can go shopping with or take a trip with. But like having a friend that when you're in the trenches and you can text and be like, Hey, no, I need you to like go to war for me. Like I need you to pray for me. Like it, I'll cry. Like it's so special to have those types of friendships where you're like, Oh, I can trust that you're going to go to the secret place for me. And so it's been beautiful to like cultivate that for four years now. Oh man. That's sweet. Because girlfriends, you know, like I've gone through a lot of seasons where it's like, I'm a girl's girl. I love girlfriends. But there's healthy girlfriends and there's not so healthy girlfriend relationships into when you, when you have the real thing, it's something to cherish and to not take for granted. And so I truly thought we lived in Colorado, but we lived in Tennessee and like I came from Alabama. Um, used to Southern hospitality in Colorado was good, but it wasn't necessarily warm and vibrant. And I came from thinking, is it me? I have no friends. And then so you have to experience those like good Godly friendships is such a gift. Yeah. So cool. Well, let's talk about that for a minute because so many people ask the question, like how did you become friends with your friends? How do you create that community? Because like you said, there are healthy friendships and there are not so healthy friendships and so many people desire healthy friendships, desire Godly community. But it's so hard to explain like how to find that. But I think one thing that, you know, the Bible says like we overcome the enemy by the blood of lamb and the power of our testimony. And I think just sharing like, okay, this is how it happened for me. That doesn't mean it's going to happen like this for everybody, but there are some ways that you can position yourself for it to happen a little bit more likely. What was that for you and how did you start finding those healthy friendships? Like cause y'all both moved to a Nashville, right? She moved first. Yeah. And then we always talked about like what it'd be like to raise. They built their dream home in Florida and we're like, that's great, but what if you traded that for community? And honestly, it was true. We did. We built our dream home. We loved it, but we were like, we have this beautiful house, but no one to fill it. And where we felt like isolated inside of this castle. I mean, it wasn't, but for us, it felt like that. And so I feel like in terms of just like practical tips, vulnerability always breeds vulnerability. And I feel like if you want surface friendships, talk about surface things, right? But like just like that versus you said, it's like, well, we overcome the lamb by the blood of the lamb and the power of our testimonies. And it's like, okay, if you're willing to go there, if you want deep friends, be a deep friend, you know, like go there and don't be scared because I think when you let the walls down, and I think it's Bernay Brown, who's like the most courageous thing you can do is be vulnerable. And you're scared to do it because you're like, okay, well, what if they judge me? What if they don't, you know, like that part of me? What if I'm not a good enough Christian? Like what you get? And that's all the enemy. And so it's like to fight back and just do it to go there. And then you're like, Oh, no, they actually love me for me. And it's like my husband, I always say like intimacy is into me, you see, you know, like you see the deepest parts of me and you love me still. And that breeds like a deeper friendship. And yeah, just being the friend that's like, no, I am going to pray for you when I say I'm going to pray for you. And I'm not just going to like ask, you know, the small questions I'm going to ask like how you're really doing and actually care, you know, yeah, because there's a difference. There is a difference. Yeah. I feel like on the other side of that is like to be a good friend and to foster, whether it's platonic or romantic relationship, you have to actually know who you are and be like you've delved into that territory, you know, you've let the Lord search your heart, you've gone through some things with him. So you're not just striving to be the good friend or to be the good girlfriend. Like, you know how to walk through that. And that's very much my story prior to meeting my husband prior to meeting friends, I went to Auburn graduate and moved back home doing the same job I did before college. I was like, this fiscally makes no sense. Like on any chart, this makes no sense. And it was just a time of rediscovery of healing really taking accountability for, you know, a lot of my life, which I didn't do all the things that were like my, I know I'm going deep real quick. That's kind of my emotions. We love that. We're all here for it. There's just so many things where I'm like, I could have said these friends were not good to me. I could have said this guy, this person wasn't good to me, but I also know the parts I played in that either as good effect or cause. And so it was just a time of, you know, Lord, pick out the things that are going to uproot. They're going to choke out those seeds that you want to plant. It's like, maybe I wasn't a good friend because people weren't good friends, but maybe I can learn how to be a good friend. I can learn how to love despite thinking, what is this person going to give to me? Or, you know, being insecure to the point of, well, if they don't love me well, like I can't love them well, you know, there's just, there's so much there that it's like, it's both and like you need the right people to walk alongside of you. But we also need like that grit to be able to be a good friend in those hard season to, to love your spouse when they're not putting the toilet seat down or something. So there's just, I feel like there's so many lessons that are not always cookie cutter, not always easy, but in the Lord's kindness, it's like, it's worth journey. Yep. That's so good. I love that. And that's so true because it's so easy to be like, well, this is why it's not happening. This is why it's not happening. But then the day you have to go, what can I do to like start? Well, either it's like, what can I do to pick those things out? That's maybe a sin in me. Or what is it that I could just do to maybe create friendships? Like I haven't thought of. I remember when Christian and I moved back home, well, to my home, not to his home. He's from Florida. We just talked about that. Y'all are all from similar areas, which is so crazy. We had a little mix up a second ago and I thought Tori said she dated him. I was like, hold on. That was just hilarious. But we all, you know, so he's from Florida. I'm from Louisiana. We dated whenever I was in Nashville and he was in Auburn. So we were like all over the place. I had great community in Nashville. He had great community in Auburn. We moved to Auburn for like two months, COVID hits. We moved back to Louisiana and like had no friends. And you would think, oh, you're from there. But like, everybody went off to college. You know, you're so, I was so different than who I was in high school that I was like, praising God. And I was like, that is not going to be like where I go to study to find friends. Like high school friends, because I'm so different. Like I, so, you know, where do we find friends? And I remember like a year went by, we had no community. And it was so hard and we're like, oh, we had such good community in Nashville. Like we had such good community in Auburn. And so you constantly are like, should we just go back? Like what does that look like? Or, you know, we have family here. So that's great. But we did want friends and we wanted a church family. We wanted all those things. And then we're like, okay, well, what can we do, you know, to find that? Because we haven't done anything. We're like waiting for someone to seek us out. And so we had to start like getting plugged into a church and actually like showing up and wanting them to see we want to be known, you know? And then I started a Bible study and, you know, went and got coffee with people. You got to show up and you got to try. And like you said, I slid into her DMs, like you got to do the brave thing and go for it. And I love that book, Brené Brown wrote, I read, is it dare, daring greatly? I watched it on YouTube. Oh, I love that. Daring greatly. I read it so long ago. But it was so impactful for me. And then Dare to Lead was so good too. But she talks about that bravery thing, because she talks about how when vulnerability is met with a lack of empathy, that's where shame enters. And so it's hard because maybe you've put yourself out there before and it's like the person, you know, heard your story and they're like, oh, well, sorry, you know, and didn't meet you like empathetically, they weren't vulnerable back with you. And then you get shameful and insecure and go like, okay, I'm never going to do it again. I think even just knowing that is helpful to go, okay, this is why I might feel insecure because that person didn't maybe meet me where I was at. But that's okay. Like I'll keep going. I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep trying to meet people. And so I love that y'all's friendship has blossomed the way it has. It's so beautiful to get to do motherhood or just life alongside of someone and people who pray. I'm the same way I was talking about my prayer the other day and to start crying because like there's just not enough words to express the gratitude you feel when someone like goes to the father on your behalf for your family. It's amazing. So I love that. I'm in a season of life where complicated wellness routines is just not going to work. So I have been focusing on the easiest wins, things that fit into my day without making life harder. One of the biggest things for me has been getting enough protein. It is so simple, but it really does change how I feel. It changes my energy, focus, everything. And I am loving Taylor Duke's wellness protein. It fits into what I'm already doing. 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You can use my link shop.TaylorDukes wellness.com slash woe to save 15% off site-wide anytime. Plus for the next 48 hours, everybody get this. You can also unlock two free gifts with any full-size protein purchase. Check it out at shop.TaylorDukesBonus.com slash woe. Can I say one thing on that? And this is going to feel preachy and I'm, I just feel it's so closely because I know we've had this in different parts of our story, but it's so the fear of man too in those scenarios when it's like, but I did get rejected and I did get hurt. And I can see that toggling to not wanting to put yourself out there. It can also toggle to like even the people that you attract and especially in romantic relationships. And I was totally the perfectionist, the like shame whisper, like all of these things. And so if anyone's feeling those things, it's like, it is valid to want to cover yourself, but CS Lewis said to love it all as to risk. And it's so worth it. It's so worth it to risk. And also I think the Lord meets us in that. It's like, if you tiptoe into that area and lean in to even my father-in-law writes on the fear of God all the time. And at first I was like, that's big. I just want to love God. But I found so much joy in that of like, wow, if I'm more concerned with like, what happens if I don't risk or what happens if I don't reach out to those people or start their prayer group? There's just so much on the other side. So true. The lies of shame that I think sometimes we hear that and it's just like a fence. Like, well, don't go to that area, retreat side, something else. But there's so much on the other side. And I know we'll get into that in other sides. But so true. I love that. You know, we talked about wanting to talk about dating and whatnot. And kind of the gravity of even having this conversation is that there's so much on the other side of like people listening to this and maybe they're in a relationship where they realize, oh, this is not actually what I want in my life. And maybe there's going to come a breakup. Like, that's a big risk. But at the same time, like what you're setting yourself up for is meeting the right person and doing it the godly way and the fruit that comes from that and the life and the legacy. I mean, the gravity of conversations like this is like, this is generations to come will be impacted by people stepping into the right relationships, which is like the coolest thing ever. And we all experience the not right relationships and then dating people well and more in a godly way. So I want you to tell you all stories. And then Tori was really cool. Before we started the podcast, we were talking about just the gravity of that. And people are gonna be listening to this who might need to go break up with their boyfriend or people are gonna listen to this who might be like, I need to marry the guy I'm dating and stop procrastinating or whatever it is. And you said it was actually a podcast you listened to that started to change things for you. So you want to start there? Yeah. So I, this, okay, so this relationship, I've been in a couple, I would say two relationships prior to chat were both like, not great. It was the second one, it was more of the one that's like, okay, is this gonna end up being the one, right? And it was Don tree Wilkerson and rich Wilkerson and they said, your spouse, number one should be a good decision, like it should actually be a good decision. And your spouse is either your greatest asset, or your biggest liability, they will either launch you or they will cap you, whoa, you're calling. And I then had a dream. My boyfriend at the time was a musician. And the Lord like gave me a vision because I prayed I was like, okay, Lord, I'm chill thinking about it was like, I felt like my mountaintop moment a little bit. Because I was like, Lord, I don't want to see through the lens of romance. I don't want to see through the lens of my flesh, like I don't want to see through the lens of almost wanting to prove everyone wrong by this working, you know, and especially when your friends like are like, I don't think it's it and you like want to prove them wrong. You're like, no, this is totally right. And the Lord specifically gave me a vision that one night I was on stage holding out my Bible preaching the word of God. And he was on stage holding up a whiskey bottle. And our children were confused. And it showed me the impact that that would have had on the legacy and the generations behind me, because we were not equally yoked. And I broke up with him two days later, because the next day was Christmas. So I thought that was probably not put a ton of pain in that one. And so but it was it was tough because I was like, I actually care about him too much. It wasn't that he did anything wrong. It wasn't that I felt that he didn't deeply care about me. It was more of, no, this is not what God has for me. I was like, Lord, I want you to show me if this is my husband or not. And if it's not, I care about him too much to keep this going, because it will hinder him. And I don't want that for his future wife. And like, let me care about him and his future relationship more than just like not wanting to go through pain. And I've learned that as a mother too, of, you know, sometimes your kids have to go through pain to learn the lesson to get to the other side for the greater good. And a lot of people come at me of like, well, you would never let your kids like cry. And I'm like, no, I'm actually really like, I'm a good mom, right? Like, I know that there's something here that if they can just learn it, it's going to be for the greater benefit of our family and for the greater benefit of them. And my father in heaven is such a good dad. And he knows that if I can get through walking through the pain that it's for not just my benefit, it's like for the generations to come benefit for our children's benefit that wouldn't exist. Right? If I can't make this hard decision right now, like the ripple effect that that's going to have like not only in my life, but like literally through generations, which is so crazy, that every decision is so vital and so important. And so it really just, you know, came out of that advice where I was like, wow, thank you, Lord for that vision. And I do kind of want to speak to the person who maybe already is married and doesn't necessarily feel like their spouse is their greatest asset. And maybe is in the boat of like, oh, I actually do feel like they're capping my calling. Go to war in prayer, like in the smallest little like day to day decisions, like even chat and I were talking about, like, I do feel like Chad is my greatest asset. He has like my biggest cheerleader ever. We have a hard moment with the kids. And I could just tell it was about to flip where it was like, oh, we can either go about this day in frustration, or we can go about this day in gratefulness. And I was like, hey, babe, like, go take a minute, like, go get yourself together. Because when you wake up and just all the needs are like so present, like right when you wake up and you wake up and like fight or flight, right? Versus like having time with the Lord first. I was like, go have some time with Jesus, take a shower, like, you know, I got the kids. And he's like, thank you. And so he did and he came back and was a blessing to our home the whole day. And so I just, I there's so much power in prayer inside of that too. I'm glad you said that. That's so good. And it's so true. Like we live in a generation who like, comfort is way too high on the priority list, because there's so much that you do learn in those moments of pain. And I remember, like you said, in motherhood, learning that like honey struggled with sleep and all the things. She was very colic, whenever she was a baby. And I remember one time I was putting her down and we were at our home and so she was in a pack and play in a little closet. So it was like not what she was used to. And I had done all the things. And then I was like, I'm gonna have to just let her cry. And so I remember like sitting outside of the door and listening to her cry. And I felt like the Lord just like gave me a picture that like, that is how he is with me. Like he's right there at the door. Like he didn't leave me. He didn't forsake me. Like he's not doing anything against me, but he is going to let me cry because like, I do have to learn to go through this. Like I actually, there is something in this moment, in this closet moment that I need to go through. And it was really cool because it mirrored something I was going through spiritually. And I felt like God was distant from me. And I was like, oh, you're not distant, like you're here, but I do have to go through this. And that is true in relationships a lot of times, especially like breakups. And I think it's cool that you mentioned like there were two relationships. One was not good, not healthy. The other one was actually not necessarily bad. Like he was a good person. You loved him as a person, but it wasn't where you were going. And I had similar situations like that. I was like, I used to not date well at all. Then I actually started dating well. And that was even a little bit more confusing because I was like, I mean, I could marry him. Like he's a good person, but I don't know if he's like, it's the right picture for my life or where I'm going. And Christian, I know you write about that and you talk about that a lot. It's like, you didn't just want to date like, well, you wanted to date God's way. What did that look like for you as you started to date well and discerning like, okay, this is good, but who's my husband? Yeah. In the book, I call it like the Eenie, Meenie, Miney Moe effect. It's like, okay, which Christian guy should I marry? Because I was told, you know, by church leaders, just find someone that's cute and loves Jesus and you're good to go. And I was like, if that worked, we really could just swap husbands and it all worked out. And I, I think that was good advice, but it's just like the starting point. It's like, finds one that loves the Lord that, you know, you're attracted to, you have chemistry with, you believe in their character, but then like set up a vision for your marriage. Like there is these qualifications because dating is an evaluation. Like you should be evaluating something rather than just to check marks on a sheet. It's really good. And you know, I don't feel like I even started to date well. I feel like I more just was bumbling through and then got to this point of desperation where I remember sitting in my mom's bedroom floor and just crying because, you know, similarly, I had two relationships, one where I was like, you are so kind in your heart, but you don't know the Lord and that's going to cap us. And then someone else that loves the Lord. And then, but it was just that like we both, we both felt it early on, but we thought, Oh, this is what Christians do. We just seem to make it work. We're just, we're supposed to figure it out. You know, people have thoughts on that, but I really do believe that you should be excited. You should be energized that you should feel like your yes carries merit because no matter who you marry, no matter who you are, you're going to have dates where you're going to feel attacked or you're just going to feel drained or you're just not going to sleep good because the kids are crying. And so like your yes has to be your why. I remember in childbirth, long story short, the Lord led me to natural where I thought, no, I was going to be drugged up. And he just gave me a conviction for it. That's, you know, not everyone's story, but I think it was purposeful for something he wanted to teach me. And the biggest thing that I walked away with from the first time was like, shoot, you're why has to be so strong because when the rubber hits the road, like you need to know like why you're doing something. And I think that's so true for marriage too. It's like on the hardest days. I don't question, did I make a mistake? Because all of the things in my prayers and my stories and God's confirmation points to I was there. I was leading that yes. And more than that, I look at my husband and I would be hard pressed to find someone that loves the Lord more, that is faithful, that is loyal, that puts up with all of my qualms. Well, like when people are like, don't, you know, that's seven year itch, do you feel like maybe you could have done different? I'm like, no, anything. I'm like, shoot, you could have done different, but you're stuck with me. But yeah, in that evaluation time, it's, it's hard. And there's so much of like, when you know, you know, and how do you really explain that to someone? I knew because of, I had the times of I didn't know, and it became clear. But then also I just got to this place of like, Lord, I need you to teach me this like I'm blind, because I've kind of dated the world's way. I've tried to date in the church, which was not bad, but there's just, I think there's more life to discover. There's more of like, I'm going to actually trust you with this decision rather than just find someone and be like, okay, God, can you stamp it as like blessed and I'm allowed to marry this person. And so I started praying for my future husband. I was single, the prospects were really small, like you said, move back to the town where it was the same guys from high school. And I thought, I've either dated them or my friends dated them. I don't know where we're going to pull from. But just started praying. And I thought, I don't know how I'm going to meet somebody. I do know there's a lot of stuff to heal. It looks like this is a tough terrain. But if you're going to guide me to that, and if it is a desire that you want to walk in, I believe that you're going to do it. And I want to do it your way. So again, there's so much that I could just talk about forever, because I love this topic because the Lord showed up so much and did exceedingly, imbedently more than I thought. But he gave me dreams of confirmation. He gave me words to pray, ways to intercede for him that actually aligned once we were married. I was like, you were going through that at that time. That's crazy. Isn't it amazing? Because when you start praying for someone you never met, you're like, okay, you have a good day. So true. You wake up some days, you're like, oh, I need to go to war. The same thing for your friends too. You might just start, we were talking last night, you had a dream of someone and you're like, I'm just praying for you. And it aligns. And that's one of my favorite things about prayer. Because Jeremiah 33.3 says, you know, call to me and I'll show you great and hidden things. And there's just such an invitation of prayer, of interceding, of believing past what looks natural and plausible that just astounds me, even when, you know, we're both walking through things. So we're like, okay, we're still praying for that. There's times in the Lord answers quickly and there's delays, but I've seen too much and been amazed too many times to start to doubt his goodness. It's so true. The weather is finally warming up, which means it's officially grilling season. Y'all, I live for these warm summer nights when my husband is grilling, shout out to Christian kids running around. We're gathering everybody out to our house for a cookout. It's just the best. And for us, you already know what's on the grill. Good ranchers. Good ranchers is one of those things that I feel so good about serving because it's 100% American meat. It's pasture raised, sourced from local farms and ranches, has no antibiotics and no added hormones. And best of all, it ships straight to my door. I know I'm feeding my people the very best. I get so excited whenever we get a good ranchers box because they just launched custom boxes, which is a game changer. So you can actually build your own box with exactly what your family enjoys. So if you want more sticks for grilling, chicken for easy week, night dinners, it's all yours. I love being a good rancher subscriber and keeping the freezer stocked. Meals are way easier, especially in busier seasons of life, especially if you're not used to having great quality meat in your fridge, which I'm not. And now I look in my freezer and I'm like, oh, we could have steak tonight. How nice is that? Y'all, I love it. We also love chicken nuggets. I'm not gonna lie. We're such a chicken nugget family and they have the best chicken nuggets that you actually feel good about serving your family because they have great ingredients. And so when you subscribe, you get free meat for life, which is amazing. And you can use my code WO to get $25 off your first order. That's free meat with every order and $25 off your first order with the code WO when you start your plan at goodranchers.com. Again, goodranchers.com, American meat delivered. It's so cool because like you said, sometimes you get the answer quickly and sometimes you don't, but at the end of the day, as life goes on, it's like the more you see as you look back, the prayers that were answered because it is amazing. Like you said, when you meet your husband, it's like, yes, you could have chosen anyone if you get down. It's like, yeah, I guess I could have, but at the same time, like this is so who God had for me and you can't make it up because of the prayers. I know I prayed and like how he answered them on the other side. And I just think you said something about, okay, I'm about to the hometown like, how is this going to work? Because, and I think so many people limit God and like finding their spouse because they're like, I've had so many people move here and we live in a small town in Louisiana and people are like, I'm never gonna find my husband. And I'm like, well, how did everybody else here find their husband? You know, and also you only are looking for one person like you don't need a big city, like you need the one person, it needs to be the right person. And for me, like I'm from here, Christians from Florida, he was living in Auburn. I was living in Nashville and somehow we met, somehow obviously God had that plan. And like we were prayerful about it. And it was similar for me in 2017 in January, Christian DM me, but I never saw it. And then in 2017, and my notes up on my phone, I started praying for my future husband. And it's so crazy because I like wrote out this list of like, like, it sounds bad to say a list and doesn't sound bad, but you know, some girls lists are like a little different than what this list was. It wasn't necessarily like what he looked like or anything like that. It was like a non-negotiable vision of like, yes, who I'm looking for in a person. And then I wrote out a prayer for this person. And I started to pray this prayer over this person when I would think of them. And it was like so cool because it wasn't until the following summer that we met in 38 actually, and started a relationship. And then later realized that he had DM me never even put the prayer piece together really until after like we're married. And like, whoa, that's so crazy. I was praying that at that time. And then when he starts telling me as we're dating, like his testimony, and when he started overcoming stuff, I'm like, look at this, like this is so crazy. That's when I started praying. And then I guess it was before we were married because we started talking about that. And I was like, I prayed that for you, you know? And it was so crazy because I didn't know it was you, but I knew it was someone to come. And so, yes, prayer is so powerful. And for the girls, like, what do I do in the waiting? Pray like seriously pray so into prayer. And that's going to be so cool. Because again, that goes into the why and then in your yes. Because then when things are hard in your marriage, you go back to God, you made it so clear, though, I couldn't have missed that. It was so obvious. This is what we prayed for. This is what we're living in. And again, if you're married now, and you're like, that's not our story, we've never prayed together, we've never read the Bible together. Start today, start praying for your husband now. And it's amazing what can change. Christian, that was obviously our dating period. But then in marriage, we had a couple of hard years and prayer was key. And I look at how we are now in our seventh year, which would be the itch. And I'm like, man, we're stronger now. But we went through some really hard stuff to get here. There is a time that we've alluded to that none of us stated very well. Can we talk about that? Because I love how you talk about like your rebellious years. Yeah. And it's just good to hear because you both are such stunning women who carry yourself so beautifully, who are like married, doing ministry, motherhood. And you look at YouTube and you're like, that's goals, that's ideal. That is like what I'm striving for. And then you hear y'all like tell your testimony is like, Oh, wow, okay, they've been here. So I think it's really powerful to share a little bit of the mess. Yeah. If you'll go to your rebellious years. Yeah. Okay. So there's a lot, a lot here. Just buckle up. That's even polished. It's not polished at all. I met the Lord when I was really little. I mean, I literally remember I used to have stomach issues when I was a kid. I remember like sitting on the toilet just like praying to the Holy Spirit to help me when I was little. And then unfortunately, we had a huge fallout with my pastor in the church. And it was just right in that season of like eighth grade going into ninth grade, I went from a private school to a public school. I went from like holding my eighth grade boyfriend's hand and like being grounded for a week for that to the next year in public school losing all of it. Like, I mean, just went from one extreme to the next so quickly. Wasn't in church. The spirit of rebellion was on me like heavily. What was crazy was I still had the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but fought it. Like, I mean, and I would like cry and pray and know that I was going to do it again. Like, I mean, it was like this crazy tension wrestling in me like God, why do I keep doing what I don't want to do? But the hardest heart issue of it was I loved, I loved the sin. And I loved the sin more than God in that season. And it makes me want to cry because I was just telling Christianity this morning, if you look at pictures of me from when I was a kid, I look so similar to how I did as a kid now. If you look at pictures of me from high school and early college before the Lord like recaptured my heart, I don't look like the same person. Like the light wasn't in my eyes. And it was because I was fully in the world. I was doing all the things, right? And it got I can't remember actually, I think I've blocked it out as a little bit of trauma. I can't tell you the dates. I can't tell you the timeline perfectly. But I unfortunately like the guy achieved on me multiple times. And it finally got to that breaking point of like, I can't keep doing this. And I got really like sick, like, and I thought I was just heartbroken over all of it. And my mom, because she knows me well, she was like, this feels like more than just like sick over heartbreak. So she took me to the doctor and I can't remember. I mean, I remember my mom and I having like a conversation about me like slipping up. And she was so gracious in that moment gave me so much grace. But I think in her heart, she was like, Okay, that was the conversation. Now she's not going to do it anymore. But like I said, that was not the case. And so they took my blood work to see like what was going on. And I was very, very early pregnant. And then the next day drove somewhere. And it was quote unquote taken care of because I had a future. And I didn't talk about it for almost a decade. And I was so gripped with shame. And just like, it's so crazy because it's so counter everything the world says, where it's like, Oh, your life just goes on. Like that's how you get your life back. And it's like, no, you never move on from that. There's never a day that that isn't a thought in your in your head. And I think the reason I am so passionate about the grace of God is because I know like how his grace has covered me. And it's taken me, Oh my goodness, so many years of fighting through trying to cover up. I mean, even like when I was Miss Florida and all of these things, it was like, I was trying to cover up the shame with banners of achievement. And I'm like, Okay, if I can just wear this banner of achievement, and this is what people will see when they see me. And I was so terrified. I mean, I remember standing top five Miss America. And I'm like, well, this was the goal, right? This was the dream. This was what all this was for, right? Like this was what my whole life was like leading up to. And I was terrified to win because I was like, if I win and someone digs, you know, and they find it, then I'm exposed. And this deep dark secret is going to come out and everyone's going to know. And the enemy just played played with my I mean, anything you keep in the dark is the enemy's territory, right? And so the Lord can't do anything until you bring it to light. And this is actually the first time I've shared this publicly. Really? Yeah. So I've shared, I have a mentorship program online called Unveiled and girls walk through it in their own timing. It used to be like a year long, but it kind of felt like a safe place because people kind of had to like, you know, you're buying in, right? Like there's, there's some skin on the table. But the Lord has really, I mean, even in the last year, deeper levels of like healing, deeper levels of forgiveness to the old version of who I was, who wasn't walking with the Lord, like the empathy I have for young Tori has grown so much. I almost feel like she's like a separate like person because I was born again, rebaptized. I am not who I was. It feels like assault, Paul. Like I'm like, I am not, I'm not that person anymore. And I have so much empathy for her. And so, and what's so crazy is we were at a live action event. This past summer, and right before we went, I actually had like this crazy demonic dream. Like it was intense, intense woke me up, of course, at 3am, because that's how it always happens. And it was that I was going to walk through doors that I wasn't opening. And I was terrified, but God was like run through it with me. And it was like specifically about this story. And and so I was like, okay, God, I'm going to do it scared. I'm going to just keep doing it scared. And I was staying at a friend's house and amazing, amazing people. If you don't know Malena and Jordan Sisiati, they're incredible. They have a podcast as well. But Jordan, I texted in the group and I was like, can y'all pray for me? Like I'm scared to go back to sleep because it was honestly so demonic. I was nervous. If I went back to sleep, I'd like fall back into the dream. I didn't want to. And he was like, I'm going to call the elders of my church over to pray for you. And so that next morning, I mean, this is literally just a couple months ago, keep in mind this story happened decade over decade ago. And the elders of the church came over, they anointed Chad and I, I shared my story. And I look over and one of the elders was a woman and she looked at me and she was like, I've never shared before. And she was in her sixties. And she was like, I had one too. And what's so crazy is it's actually like one in four women now have had them and 70% of them are women in the church. And what is so crazy is it's the shame. And I think it's so hard in the Christian sphere because the minority is so loud, right? And but it's not Christian women who are like, Hey, this is part of my story. I know that because that was me, like I hit it for so long because I was like, I don't want that to be the thing that you use God. And when I first moved to LA, I was part of a Bible study, praise the Lord for Bible studies. And it's a hard question to ask, but someone asked me, what are you scared to ask God? And at first I gave like the surface answer, you know, I'm like, oh, you know, I'm not really scared to ask God anything, we're close, you know. And but I felt that like gut heart pull. And I was like, we're not going there. But that one's staying down here. We're not pulling that up right now. That's staying in the dark. And my good friend, Kristen, she looked at me and she was like, what are you like? What's your real answer, Tori? And I was terrified to ask God if he wanted to use my story. Because I did not want the answer to be yes. And I knew that if I asked and he said, yes, then I would have to be obedient. But if I didn't ask, then I could just like have this thing where I'm like, oh, okay, well, he never said yes. So I'm not acting in disobedience, right? But I asked and then I went to my husband and I was telling him, and the reason I'm just now like really sharing was because after that, I was like, okay, well, if I share and one person decides not to, then it's like redeemed, right? And my sweet, loving, amazing, God-filled husband looked at me so kindly. And he was like, you're not ready to share. And I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, because you're sharing from a place of trying to redeem. Nothing you do, nothing you ever do will redeem that. What Jesus Christ did on the cross redeemed you. And until you can walk in that freedom from knowing, sorry, from just knowing that whatever you've done, whatever you've walked through, Jesus Christ died. Like he bore it on the cross for you so that you could live a life free from it. And that's the whole point of that verse in Revelation. Like we overcome him by the word of our testimony, the blood of the Lamb. And I know I have blood on my hands, but when God looks at me, he sees me as pure. And I just want the listener to know that he sees you as pure. It doesn't matter if you've lost your purity. It doesn't matter what's happened in your life. What Jesus did on the cross covers you. Like that's the lens that God sees you through, not through your sin. He sees you through the filter of his son on the cross. And that is what matters, right? Like that's why we share. That's why God, he's just so good. I'm just so passionate about grace because I think we live in a culture that abuses it where it's like, oh, I can just do whatever I want to do because his grace covers. And I'm like, oh, what an abuse of that grace, that beautiful grace of God that we don't deserve. Like I'm so just aware of how much I don't deserve it and left up to my own devices, how sinful I can be. And so it's just been a beautiful journey with God. Thanks, Lyft. To see that and even in back, kind of going back to just relationships in general. Thank you. There was a long time where the enemy told me lies, where I was like, the enemy was like, when you walk, I would have visions of walking down the aisle on my wedding day and feeling like a fraud because I thought I would take it to my grave. And so two months in to Chattanoi dating, I like broke down and shared it with him and he met me with so much grace. And again, just like it says in scripture, like God forgives you, but when you confess your sins to others, you are healed. And so I've experienced that so much because it took me so long to actually go from head knowledge of being like, I know you forgive me, but I'm so not healed of this. And so it's been layer after layer of sharing and more healing, sharing and more healing, sharing and more. And I think that'll be the rest of my life, to be honest. I do feel free from the shame, but I still feel like there's just layers upon layers of healing that occur. And then I thought I was good. And then we started trying to have a baby and it kept taking a long time. And we were about a year into, you know, trying and it not happening. And then another lie came up of like, well, this is because I told you, you weren't going to be able to have children. I told you, you weren't going to be able to have children. And I would go to the throne room. I'm like, God, I thought that you were just going to demolish that lie from the enemy right away and like be like, enemy take that, right? But there were things he was teaching me in that season. And it's really crazy. I'm going to stop talking here in a minute because I know I'm taking up so much time. But last night, when you were sharing about the monitor and hearing, I was literally telling Christian that last night, like last night, I had the same vision a couple of weeks ago when, as he just needed to cry, I had done all the things and I hate it. You hate it as a mom. Like, you're like, this hurts my heart. Like this grieves my heart, but I know it's for his benefit because he needs restorative rest. And right now he's not getting it. And I was like, looking at the monitor, I'm like, Lord, I feel like this is me with you, that I just keep crying out. And you could just pick me up and comfort me. Like, I know that I could just pick him up and give him my boob and he'd be great. And, and you're not doing it. God, why? And he's like, because I'm a good dad. I'm a good dad. And I know that this lesson you're learning is for the benefit of you and the benefit of your family and the benefit of generations to come. And now we sit here with three kids, three little boys, and now I'm like, take that, enemy. Three under three. With all its beautiful, you know, chaos and gosh, it's incredible. What a joy and privilege. But yeah. Well, first off, thank you so much for sharing. I know that is like no easy thing. And even you kind of spoke to like the warfare that comes before you decide to share something like that. But like giving God your yes does come with, you know, a lot of things on the side, like Jesus says, like, if you're going to follow me, you pick up your cross. And like, it's, it's hard for us to know what that means. But the disciples knew what that meant. It was like picking up a cross and he's picking up a hard road to walk sometimes. Like you have to die to yourself. We joked about dying to yourself earlier about our bad side, but like dying to yourself actually is really, really hard to say like, I'm going to, you know, lay aside the, you know, whatever people think of me in this moment, whatever judgments are going to come with this, because I really do believe that there's life on the other side of death, that there's hope, there's resurrection life, and that you really did make me a new creation and that you can make others a new creation and that your grace is not something that's just, you know, something to say, oh, I'm just going to have the grace of God and carry on and it'll wash it. No, like I'm receiving the grace of God. The grace is sufficient for me in my weakness. Like just what you're preaching is so powerful. Your testimony is so powerful. It's going to help so many people. I just want to pause here and say that today's conversation with Tori has been overwhelmingly powerful just for her to be so vulnerable. She opened up in a really, real honest way about how abortion happened quickly for her, and it wasn't just something she could just move on from, but it impacted her for years before she truly realized and understood the depth of God's grace. I'm so thankful she shared that story. Sharing truth and life are things that I care so deeply about, which is why I'm so proud to be partnered with Preborn. I want to stop right here and tell you about it. Preborn is an organization that supports women facing unplanned pregnancies by meeting them with compassion and giving them space to slow down and really understand their options. Hearing Tori's story, one, it takes so much courage for her to share and just to be so honest, but it also made me realize that there are millions of women who carry very similar experiences quietly and conversations like this remind us how important it is to show up with truth and with grace. At Preborn Network Clinics, women receive a free ultrasound where they can see their baby for the first time, and in that moment, fear can really turn into clarity. Just $28 provides one ultrasound, $140 provides five, giving moms in crisis that moment to see, to pause and to truly consider life. But more than just an ultrasound, women are being introduced to the hope of Jesus, which is something that truly can change everything. This April, Preborn's goal is to have 11,000 gospel conversations through Preborn Clinics, and you can be a part of that. Every dollar helps save babies and shares the hope of the gospel with someone, and I would love you to help out. You can help by dialing pound 250 and saying the keyword baby, that's baby, pound 250, or visit preborn.com slash seidi, that's preborn.com slash seidi. Thank you so much for considering helping women all around the world. Different story, different scenario, but so similar in the way that as teenagers, I think that enemy is such a playground for the enemy because you're so young, but you make these big decisions. And there were so many big decisions that made at such a young age that the enemy just was like, boom, like, got you. Now you're gonna, you know, I had so much shame from that. I felt the same word. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt like I could not live the life God called me to because it was contradicting the things I had done and what if someone found out, and then what if that person said something and then everyone knew and then they'd be like, you're a fake. And then that's when you say, no, I'm not a fake. I was crucified with Christ. I'm alive in him. Like, but the enemy is going to get you feeling like, well, you are, but that's when you have to clean the scripture. But I can just relate to all of that wrestle and just the fear of it. And even down to the purity aspect, because I remember one time I was sitting and we were actually on a ski trip. And it was after I had come out of like the bad stage in my life, but so wasn't like fully living out what God had called me to do because I did live in so much shame for my past and things that I was like scared would come out. And so I was on a ski trip. And I remember like looking at the snow and I remember hearing the Lord say, you are as white as snow. You are pure. And I remember being like, no, I'm not like, no, I'm actually like not. I'm just not. And I remember like, you know, when you see like pockets of snow that have been like stepped on a lot and it's like muddy and like feeling like that's actually what I feel like. I'm not white as snow. And I kind of, you know, I tried to receive it like, tried really hard to be like, okay, well, your scripture does say that, you know, that I'm washed white as snow. So I'm going to receive that, but I didn't feel that way. And I remember like, when Christian I started dating, we shared our testimonies with each other. And it's actually the day after we shared like the hardest parts of our testimonies that we told each other, we loved each other, which is really powerful because I really felt like we meant it because it was like, we don't just like each other. This is not this is not likable material. Like you love me if you love me after we shared that. And so I share that with him. Well, then a couple months later, we went on a ski trip together and I had told him about that moment with the Lord and how like it didn't really feel that way, but I want to receive it. And we were going up the gondola and the sun was shining on the snow, like so beautifully. And it, you know, when sun shines on snow, it looks like crystals. So pretty. And Christian led to me, he's like, you're white as snow. And I just remember being like, Oh, that is so crazy. But it's such a picture of your, the snow is glistening because the sun is on it, you know, and like, yeah, that's why you're white as snow because the sun is on it. Because when he looks at the blood, he sees his son's blood. When he looks at your story, he's looking at the lens of you through his son on your behalf. And like, when you get that, and then not only when you get that, but even when someone else sees it for you too, and like, you're like, Oh, wow, I really can live in freedom. Because Christ really did raise from the dead. And that was for me to receive and to live in like, it's so life changing and life altering. And it's so crazy to the details that I had a dream about these doors. So weird. Wow. Really. But it's so crazy because I saw all these doors of my past that I had so much shame from. And I was walking down the hallway and, and these doors were all open. And as I walked down this hallway, I got more and more and more insecure and insecure and insecure and afraid because I felt so much shame. And then I got to the end of the hallway and it was this opportunity that was waiting for me. But instead of doing what I was supposed to do, which was speak a hit under the table because I felt so much shame. And I talked to a counselor at the time I had this dream was a long time ago. It was actually when I lived in Franklin. And she said, you need to go close all those doors, like you need to go find redemption all those doors so that you don't keep feeling shame and you don't like get powered down as you go. But like you are able to stand tall. So all these years, I've literally spent like a lot of work trying to get rid of all that shame. And again, like Jesus did it. The shame is gone, but you have to still like your flesh, your mind, like you said, has to align with what your heart knows to be true and what Scripture is. And what's crazy is in the vision, in that dream, the opportunity that I saw. It's so weird. I literally got invited this week to the opportunity I saw in that dream. And that was no joke. Like, I mean, it had to have been eight years ago. And so I say that to say, like when you were saying that, I was like, this is crazy. Like, just to encourage you and the listener, like, when God gives you these dreams and these visions, like they are something to act on. Like when you said, I had the elders come over and anoint my whole, they like pray for me, because there is warfare happening. Shame can stop you. Like, how about your husband either launching you or capping you? Like, shame will cap you all day long, you know, until you go, you know what, I'm going to deal with it. And that looks like a lot of hard work, counseling, prayers, anointing, all the different things. So that when you get to the end of the room, so that when you get to the opportunity, so that when you get on the podcast, so that when you get in the moment, your mouth, when you open your mouth, he gives you the words and you speak and the Holy Spirit works through you and his grace is sufficient. And when you're weak, he is strong. And it's just like, then you're like, take that enemy. Like, this is how you walk in the battle. Like this is how you war, you know. And so it's amazing. I can't help but share the details of that, because if that's true in our stories, how many people listening to this are going, that's exactly what happened to me. I made this super mistake as a teenager and it was a big one. And it's set with me and I have shame and I could never do what God calls me to do. And I can never be honest and I can never. And here we are saying, Oh, yes, you can. It's gonna be harder, but you better because there is something on the other side because there's life on the other side. And I just love it. Christian, I know you talk about shame often even you say, I'm a perfectionist and shame is a part of my story. Just as we begin to round out this podcast, can you just give a last push to the listener who's sitting in that shame and who's like, is it worth it to pick up the cross? Is it worth it to do the hard thing, to confess my sin to someone, to break up with the guy, to do the hard thing? That's been kind of the theme of the podcast. Is it worth it to do the hard thing and can I actually overcome my shame? So you want to give a last minute charge to the listener? Yeah, I feel like you don't need it. Like what you both shared is just so powerful in and of itself, but it's funny. I feel like the first book I wrote the title of it in capsites, all we're talking about is called Breakup with What Broke You. It's like if it's the actual breakup, if it's the shame, if it's the dreams, whatever it is, it's just this idea. Like I wrote in there because this is something I lived out. I feel like when I write it's not because I know everything, it's like my cathartic release. I have to journal to get it out of my head, but I wrote Shame as an inability to separate what you've done from who you are. And I feel like that's so true for all three of us and whoever's listening to is like, how do you actually remove that from your mind, from your heart, like from your conscience? And shame is just the enemy's playground because he really sees an opportunity to say, huh, they know that God is good. This thing, this hidden thing is tethered so tightly to how they see themselves, what they believe is possible. And I just think there's so much power when we say that was so overwhelming, that was so daunting. But yet you are still bigger than that thing. There is nothing, the Bible says there's nothing that can separate us from that love. And that doesn't mean that we just say, oh, I'm good. God doesn't care about that. It means that, oh, because that is so painful and large, we know even greater that his love is tenfold, hundredfold the power that we've experienced. So if you've gone through shame, it took me a while to realize, wow, if I know the weight of that, how much greater can I actually experience the Lord's love? And it is hard to, you know, like I'm sometimes a realist, I'm definitely a firstborn perfectionist at times. I'm like, Lord, how can you redeem that? But we have to see redemption is not perfection, it's restoration. And so it has to be like this spewing out of I can't do everything perfectly. So I'm going to lean into you to try to even do anything good. Like I actually need your grace. And I'm just so encouraged by the woman at the well in her response was, you see me through my filth and similar, like, and yet you still call me love, you're still speaking to me culturally. This is not even allowed for you to speak to this other race of a gender. But yet you take the time to lean down to meet me. I love that every time, almost every time that the Lord heals someone, he bends down and he like offers his hand, he like, he gets low with us. He gets in the dirt. Sometimes he uses the dirt, he's going to spit in the dirt to actually heal you. But her response was not, thank you. Okay, like, can you take away my past? Can you give me like a new story? Can you take me with you to Israel and just like meet me this redeemed version? She runs back to the place of heartache. And she says, this guy is so good because he told me all of the terrible things I've done. And yet he loves me still. And that to me is just like one, I don't love her courage to be like, guys, I'm a mess up. And it's amazing. I would not have that courage. I would want to say there's just really great guy like, you should go meet him. Don't ask him about me, but his name is Jesus. And she just runs right into it. She runs into the messy. And I think that's because she probably dealt with shame for so long. I mean, I'm sure everyone in that town knew her story, knew her past husbands, knew her current situation ship. And, you know, we can, we can all find ourselves there. It doesn't matter if, you know, you just looked at a guy and you feel shame from like wanting to kiss him to, you know, whatever you did, it's, we're all are short of the grace and power. And, you know, I'm not saying go and try the things until you can find God in that realm. But I think there's just power. Like we talked about vulnerability. We talked about shame. We talked about hoping again. And the Bible just says, I have this hope that's an anchor for my soul. And so when we can sit and separate, you know, this is what I've done. This is what I've hoped for. But at the end of the day, I'm going to go back. I'm going to go back and think, well, what is my life really for? What is the legacy I'm creating? What do I believe in? What it, despite my own imperfections, am I still striving for? And we see time and time again. I mean, Paul does the same thing. And I think the secret sauce, if you will, if I'm trying to say relevant since I'm in my 30s now, is just humility and hope. Because we see Paul say, you know, I'm striving for towards a goal. I'm disciplining myself for that. But I'm also the least of these. Like I know I got some skeletons in my closet, but I'm not going to let that discredit me and make me powerless. But I'm going to strive in this humility. And I found the more I do that, the more I want to try to say, like, am I doing enough? Am I being enough that never empowers me? But when I say, Lord, I'm broken, will you help me restore it? Will you keep the vision ahead of me? Will you keep this hubbuck up? I'll never say that book, right? But will you keep that vision in front of me? So I know where I'm headed. I love that. It's so good. I smile because I just turned in my book and it's all about the woman at the well. I was thinking about the whole time. But you know, when you're in something and it's like, you see it in everything. So when you said it, I was like, yes, because this is the woman at the well, because we all are the woman at the well. And I love that she ran back and she's like, come meet a man that tell me everything I ever did. Like it wasn't a man who did some crazy miracle or what it was like, he told me everything I did. And that just like, that got her. Like she ran back. She had time to like fix herself up. She had time to change her situation. She just like went with it. And again, that's that like, no, I once was dead. Now I'm alive. That's an old person. So I can talk about her because that's not me, you know? And this is me in Christ. And yeah, I still have things to overcome. And one of the things that Christian, my husband, I keep doing that, Christian, I've been learning lately, is we're both like, he's watching the House of David series, and then our kids are watching the Little David series. And then I'm reading the Bible recap. And then my daughters, I'm reading with them like the storybook Bible every night. And so we're both like learning at this adult level and this child like level every day. It's been really, really sweet for both of our faith. But one thing that's been cool is like the word grace, the word joy, those words, like when you are a child, you see them as like these sweet words like the grace of God, like joy of the Lord. And then when you're an adult, you realize like, no, that is the secret sauce. Like that there is power in grace and grace isn't a one time thing for that once in it's an everyday thing to get you through your days. And joy isn't just like, oh, I'm happy. It is the strength that you have to get through life and like humility isn't something you just say and like hope you like you have to become like these things are these things are real. And it's so cool because it's the fruit of who got it. So the more you're in Christ, the more these things flow out of you and you realize like the depth of the power that the Holy Spirit really does within you as you walk through these everyday, everyday things and you deal with the things that life throws at you. And so I just couldn't thank you enough for one coming down here. I said that before, but way more than that, being willing to share and be so vulnerable. Like you said, vulnerability breeds vulnerability. And so for the listener, I hope that this isn't just a conversation you listen to and go, that was good, but I hope it's a conversation you listen to you meditate on. Go to the father first, pray about it. There's something in your life that you're like, okay, I'm scared to ask God this. I'm scared to let God in on this. First of all, he already knows and he loves you and his grace is sufficient for you. If you have one friend that you could call confession is a powerful thing. It is how you are healed. Also, you need to walk through life with friends, ask for prayer. These two are amazing models of walking through life with friends and praying for one another. Don't do this alone. Don't go through this alone. Plug into a church, plug into your friend groups, open up to your spouse. But most importantly, go to the father. And I hope that as you navigate what's coming next, that you just have full faith that God really can work all things together for good. And that no matter what you've done in your past, he can use that to bring life to not only you, but to other people. And so thank y'all again for coming on. This was amazing. Such a blessing. Thank you.