EP 74: Jester Clint: He Got Better When I Got Better

Disclaimer. At two addicts in the moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. Welcome back to another episode of two addicts in the moron. Man, I have a confession to make. I'm pretty fucking hungover. Are you? Yes, I love that. I haven't had a phone in a long time. Yeah, I'm the moron. I really proved it last night. I had a couple of buddies just went out and pulled off and I got trashed. Woke up like the creep keeper. Fuck him this morning. He's like, he's fucking. Yeah, so. Do you feel like shit? Yeah, dude, you know, head ache and had to do all the ibuprofins and water. The pizza just went a long way and soaking up. So some of it up. Thunderdome from last night. So when I used to drink and fucking wake up with a hangover the next day, I used to take a shot. I used to take a Yeager bomb the next day. And they would say like that your body's craving the sugar. So if you take a shot the next morning, it kind of makes it feel a little bit better. Right. Yeah, it's a it was a fun night. It was fun, but pretty. I drank I drank a little too much. I mean, I never went to bed. I mean, three days later, I finally drink enough to pass out. Yeah. And then it just happened all over again. When me and D go out, like I tell people this, I'll still have a drink here and there. It doesn't send me off to the fucking races. But sometimes she'll drink to where when we get home, she's fucking not feeling good. And I'm like, all right, I'm going to bed. Yeah, I'm not I'm not taking care of you. I'm not doing the babysit shit for you. And like she's like, when's the room going to stop? And I'm like, it's probably not. Yeah, I'm not like the best person to do this with. She'll be like throwing up and shit. I'm like, come find me when you're ready to fuck. Yeah. I'm not taking care of you. I'll be in the room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm such a piece of shit. Just lay down face first. Yeah, I don't do good with babysitting either. So yeah. And I don't like people are now or like you can drink from time to time. Yeah, because I don't want to fucking feel like that. I'm not waking up the next day to feel like fucking dog shit. I just can't do it. Yeah, I mean, I to be honest, there's sometimes when I wish I could. Yeah, I go, I'd like to go out and have like a Mexican or teeny. I have a proper margarita or some chili. I think you would just bring you somewhere else. I know it would. I might, I might last a minute. Yeah. You know, I might last a couple months. I might last a day. I don't know how long I'll last. Yeah. I'm the real fucking deal. You know what I mean? Like the whole cut of me thing people do it all this cut of me like it might last a minute. But eventually I'm going to go off and find me some. See, I proved to y'all I can do this. Yeah. What you know, it's funny is I've been offered some shit when we've been out. Yeah. Like people that don't know me. They're like, Hey, you want this or want that? I'm like, man, I don't do any drugs. And like back then, I'd been like, fuck it. I mean, I would have it with me. Yeah. But it's a it's always like a test. And I pass the test on that. Yeah. I mean, I see my ex wife is still kind of her thing, man. She's dropped the pipe in the car. You know, she took the bag and the car, those kind of things that I'm doing right now. I'm like, damn, you know, I told you I'm to bring that shit. You know, but it didn't really do anything. But I will say whenever there was a time about me being seven, about seven months, eight months so I got out of the smart program. I was at the source. I was shut down. I was in the house for a while. And I used to keep these prayers in my wallet. It went to jail with me. It went through the smart program with me. It was, it's been with me forever. Yeah. And I still got that wallet. It's fucking crazy. But yeah, I kept these prayers in my wallet. And I remember sitting there at the Soul Stres and there was a friend I had over there on my son. And we're sitting there. I was like, I got these prayers. I want to show you. I'm trying to pull it on everything in my wallet. I feel this like little lump. I'm like, it's got to be them. Okay. I'm thinking I'm going to get it. I can't get it. I try to get her to get it out. I try to get my son to get it out. I was like, I'll go get a knife. I start pulling out. I see the fucking top of it. I'm fucking bagged. Oh. It's like a 70 second dope. Really? And I'm like, what the fuck? And like, honestly, that was the first time in my life. I felt like I was high without getting high. Like it was like a euphoric kind of like feeling that was like, I felt like I was high. I was like, I need to get the shit out of my hands quick. Yeah. And I went to the restroom. I went to the restroom. I remember I was thinking I was like, they won't even know if I don't flush it. I had that thought. I was like, they would never know, you know what I mean? And I'm sitting there thinking I was like, but you know what? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. And then I was like, everybody who helped me out through this, you know, it would all win for nothing. Yeah. And I remember I just flushed the shit down until I rolled fast. I remember clearly, it still gives me chills right now. Kind of thinking about that day. But I never remember calling Cole. And his dumb ass was like, yeah, I just found it. I just found there's like 70 seconds. I don't know if he's like, what did you do some? I'm like, no, dude, I didn't. He's like, I would have. I don't have a man like just kind of his way of doing shit. I was like, no, man. I was like, I threw that shit away as quick as possible. And yeah, I mean, it was, it was literally like I was high. You know what I mean? Like I felt like I was high. And I didn't do any dope. Yeah. But it was I was almost, I guess about a little over a year or so. I was seven months out of like treatment. It was a, yeah, it was a crazy feeling. I had like anxiety about it. I had all kinds of different feelings about it. Yeah. See, I don't think in my first two years, if I could have probably drank here and there, definitely not early in six months or seven months, because I would have wanted more. Right. It wouldn't have been enough. 100%. This isn't enough for me. And luckily, when we've been out, nobody's dropped up. I've been offered coke and Molly. And I'm like, those were never my things anyways. But I don't, hopefully nobody ever offers me meth. But I'm so far into it now. I already know what I'm doing. Like, thanks, but no thanks. Yeah. And I mean, I guess for me, like, I was a real, I was a big time drinker before I, I was a drinker and cocaine. Like hand in hand. Yeah. You know, for, so I was five, 33 years old, 34 years old. I mean, they seem like they go together like you can have one without the other. Yeah. I mean, like I always had the bag. I even before I was going out drinking, I would already have the bag because I knew I was going to want it. Right. Yeah. Even just thinking about drinking. I'm like, okay, cocaine. Yeah. That's one side of it. I'm going to have a drink. It's like, okay, I need this. I'm going to need this. Especially if you don't want to hang over the next day. And so that's the thing, man. Like I would buy like an able knowing it wasn't going to last. And I would go out and we'd have a little pre-party. And then we'd go downtown like we lived downtown. Two days, that's Sunday. That was like our life, you know what I mean? And then to be honest, it was, we had a lot of fucking fun. It was really fucking cool. We had a lot of cool shit. I did a lot of cool shit in my life, you know, like, and made some pretty good money. It all went to drugs and alcohol. I mean, drugs, alcohol and chips. I didn't go to anything source for anything but efficient my life. Yeah, I mean, I always had a girlfriend and it was usually the girlfriend would pay the bills and I would buy the drugs. I mean, and pretty good swap. Yeah, I mean, that's literally how it was, you know, and, yeah, I mean, it was like one didn't go without the other. Yeah. And once I got introduced to that's impediment all over. Man, it was, like I said, we would go on yachts the next morning, being up all night from these after our poor, they take them, they take them, they don't go to like Travis and go on these yachts, go on these after parties, like go on these big ass houses after party with doctors, lawyers. Yeah. And I was party with Chuck LaDale party with, we party with all these people, you know, I mean, it was insane. You know, a couple other, there was a live, you know, we were at the city board, like this is kind of how we were living our life. Yeah. And if you kind of think about it, man, me and my group of friends, even though we were a bunch of fucking idiots, it was like we were like famous downtown, dude. It was crazy. It really was, you know, it was like a small group of friends, but it's like we lived down there so much that everybody knew us. Yeah. It was just, it was, it was a big party at constant my whole life. That was one of the things that I kind of craved a little bit. Like I was so well known at the strip clubs, like when I walked in, I got free drinks, get in for free VIP for free. Right. And everybody knew who I was. And I was like, it was almost like feeling famous, right? And I was like, ah, fucking everybody knows me here. I would bring people with me and they'd be like, holy shit, how does everybody know you? And I'm like, kind of a big deal. Yeah. I wasn't nothing. Yeah, I was. Like a legend in the making. In my mind, like I had friends come from out of town one time and I brought them out and they were well known back home. Right. But when I brought them out, they were like, holy shit, like stew's really like people really know who he is. Yeah. And it was like, yeah, you know, kind of come out a lot. And but it was like fucking just a big front. That 100%. Yeah. It was just ego driven. 100% yeah, it was. And it was like, ah, it was like that fake happiness. It under me and went down well, you're just going through it. No one knew it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, once I found the old pie if it was all fucked up. Yeah. Everything sucked. Yeah. I stopped drinking. I stopped doing everything besides fucking spoken math, man. Yeah. That was literally the only drug that I would do. Yeah, me too. And it's like, okay, that's okay. Even if I was like hurting from not doing math. No, I wouldn't do it. I'm okay. It was disgusting to me. It wasn't disgusting, but it just, I guess I had, man, I literally had so much cocaine prior to me. I was probably going to die from it. And you have to do so much of it. And it's like, that's the thing is look, I don't like snort and fucking shit anyways. I'm fucking like, if I'm doing coke, I'm literally having to fucking do snort. Snort is on every 15 minutes. Yeah, or less. Otherwise, I'm in a badass mood and I'm trying to fight people because I'm fucking just not in a good mood. But with math, I have to do so much. Yeah. And even with math, they're like, I didn't have a cutoff. Like, I didn't, I didn't know one to stop. Even when I was hired as a kid, like, I still want to be hired. I would wake up in smoke to go back to sleep straight up. Yeah. Or like every break that I took at work, I was going in the bathroom and hit my pipe. Yeah. Like, it was no cutoff. And there was like, I don't know if my tolerance, it was just like, that's just what I knew. Like, it was like taking a drink of water. Yeah, right. Exactly. An athlete, athlete's drink water. I smoked math. That's what we got to do. I smoked math. I was standing dehydrated by math. Yeah. And fucking big red and sprite. I would put a, I would put a pete of light in my meth bong and hit it like that. I'm being, I'm being, I'm at least I'm being healthy, staying hydrated. Yeah. Well, Clint, thanks for coming on, man. Ladies and gentlemen, Clint to that. Great. Have a wonderful show, man. Sorry. No, it's great. Like, I love how comfortable that just getting right into it, brother. I mean, that's kind of what this thing's all about. I mean, you said he was nervous, too. I was. Man. It was. Man. I pray in the car, man. Did you. And I listen. To be honest, when I get uncomfortable, like I listen to, like, some Christian music. Man, I'm not going to lie. Man. Man. You should try. Listen to two addicts. Tomorrow. I mean, I. I. I. So I do tours and all this for my dream is to not work for it. And sometimes I get on the microphone, you know, terrifies the hell out of me. Yeah. I literally have a, I put a whole plan in my head, like, and I'm said there were like, there's like four people getting ready to go up before me and I'm like counting it down. Like, this is what's going on, going on. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. I get up there, all I can black out there. Don't know what the fuck I just said. Don't know if I was loud enough. Like don't know if I mumbled. And it's like, and like was that okay? And I like you did fine but the last time I got out there man I fumbled a little bit and I had totally shit that one in the bed. That was the cause I was like, I bet it's the development. And I was like oh shit. It sounds weird but like I'd still do this day getting nervous in front of crowd. Like it's fucking that worked the other day I'd get up and say some words in front of a big group of people and I felt like my palms were sweating. I was like the voice started shaking. my son, when he plays baseball, you got to sign up for snack bar or whatever. And I volunteered. So I volunteered one time. I got stuck in the booth to announce the game. And I do it. It was like, I'm like, oh shit. Like even doing that. Like, yeah, it's a small crowd. But I'm such a bitch. Like one of his teammates got a, he was a diagnosed with cancer. I mean, he's good now, but they did this thing for him. You know, and we shirts and all of that. And so this was the one game where I fucking had to go up there and do it. And they had me read this long thing about like his fight in cancer towards end of it. I was like, he's like a bitch. You're making a fool of yourself. Yeah, dude. That was the day you got the most donations. Yeah, yeah, don't shit with my bitch ass crying in a booth. Well, I don't want to time these days, man. I try about everything. I mean, it's, it is what it is. I always tell people we make this look easy. Yeah, but like when we go somewhere, like when we went to Iowa, if you put me in front of the camera, like on the spot, I'm fucking like very awkward. Yeah, I don't fucking like I'll let, I look more on Do Most of Talking. And I'll just be like, yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty. I'm like fucking. I'm like. What is the dj's name. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. Flavor. He sucks so bad. I don't know. Like if we try to do like a little fucking intro on something, just to put that suck. Yeah. Fucking not good at it. Yeah, I'm not good. Like when Nemo came and we did that fucking, uh, the lip sync, I was terrible. Like I was like, should he probably just want me to just get out of the fucking video? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so how long you been sober, dude? Six years, I'm a little over six years, man. June 25th, 2019. Yeah. I never thought I'd have five minutes, man. Yeah. I think a lot of my people didn't think I'd have long, like five minutes. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been drinking and doing drugs for a long time. The crazy thing about it is, man, like, so I come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts, you know, brothers, sisters, both dads, you know, like, uh, it cousins and friends. You know, there's a long line of them. The only people that didn't do any drugs was my mom, my older brother, my older brother, and he turned 18. Look, I'm getting the fuck away from what you crazy ass is, man. He didn't do the chaos. He saw the chaos. So he went to the Air Force and made a really good life for himself. Uh, my mom, she was just a old school woman, man, that took care of five crazy ass kids, man, that did the best she could. And I like, uh, she never really understood drug and alcohol, you know, like, she don't be like, wow, I can't do this. Stop, you know, she had, uh, she finally did towards the end and remember before she passed away, you know, she finally understood, you know, uh, but yeah, man, I am, you know, I lived in Houston and I was in a pretty, I was the only white dude in my school, you know, and, uh, it was, and I said, it's good to restore my story. It kind of comes to a, where when I moved to Austin, like, uh, so I was always fighting, constantly fighting in Houston. And, uh, I remember, uh, I was like, I think 13 or 14 years old and, uh, I got stabbed in the back. No, no, no, no. And, uh, my mom was like, nope, this is it. She's like, you're getting out of here. You're all going to get in trouble here. You need to move, or you're going to die. You're not even moving to Austin. My sister lived in Austin, um, in West Lake, which is, uh, she's not only white, you know, especially back with my day, it was all white. We were rich people, you know, everybody had a lot of money. Still is. Yeah, that's still is. Yeah, it's still is. And, uh, when my dad lived as we had, we were doing all right. But when I was 11 years old, he said he was going to work and never came back. He took off, uh, and so my sister lived in a trailer out and we called it the hood. Uh, and, um, so I was like the new kid, uh, uh, uh, at West Lake, like six, six grade. And, uh, I was a little thug, man. Yeah. A little punk had to back with another name had started a jacket. You know, I had to have to set a hundred percent legit. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah, you know, I was a little fucking thug punk man. But, and I come to this school and it's like a bunch of white people and no, there's no white people. And I'm like, what the hell's going on? It was a culture shock for me. Yeah. I mean, weird. Uh, but man, I was, uh, you know, and I was like, during that time, I just lived in a trailer out in this neighborhood and, uh, I was like the poor white kid. Yeah. Uh, and, um, so six grade was kind of a shit year. Uh, seventh grade, I started playing football and I was, I was pretty good at football. So I became friends with a lot of, uh, a lot of people started becoming friends, but a lot of the girls wouldn't talk to me because they thought I was, they thought I'd beat them up because they got around that I was a fighter. Yeah. And that everybody would say, but so I guess back up, I, um, one of the, one of the popular kids, big kids in the school, they didn't get into a fight and got beating them up or something like that. And so it became the whole school. And the reason I stayed is because my whole life kind of, what I, what I thought I was something I wasn't. When I got to somebody realized that wasn't this person, right? I mean, but for a long time, I thought I was this guy who was just this fighter. That people knew me as a fighter, that people, uh, that that's what kind of what I was, you know, it's like a thing to hang your hat on too. As a man, you know, like we always think, oh, we, I'm tough or whatever. It was a prideful thing to a pride. Right. Yeah. And that was kind of my identity. Right. For a long time, man, like, uh, it, um, you know, I, when I got in my high school, like, uh, it got around that I said I could beat everybody's ass and the school never said that once. That was never, I never said that, but every upper class man tried to fight me. Mm-hmm. It was like, and so I ended up fighting all the time. Uh, and I ended up winning, you know, but, but it was like, that was like what my life consists of, you know, I mean, uh, and I was the poor white kid. This blah, blah, blah, but I had a lot of friends that had a lot of money, you know what I mean? But we were all pretty close. But the funny thing about it is everybody would come to my mom's trailer and party. You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? It was like, uh, there's always that house. There's always that. Right. And that was my house. And my mom, she, she would leave to go with her boyfriend and my mom, like I said, she was, I loved that woman with morning in the month. She did everything she could to try to help us, man. And she probably enabled her to some because she wanted to do with love us and take care of us. Yeah. Uh, but we were crazy. She couldn't do shit. You know what I mean? We were going to do what we wanted to do. Um, so yeah, I mean, and it was like, so yeah. I basically was just known fighter. You know, fought a lot was, uh, you know, and a real asshole, you know, my whole life. And, uh, you know, the only thing, like once I, my senior year, the reason I passed school and did everything I was supposed to do was because I loved football. I just wanted to play football and you had a pass to play. Yeah. And so that's the only reason I went to school was because I love football so much. But my senior year, I quit football. I'll never forget one of the coaches hit me in the head. I could fucking idiot. I got mad walked off. But prior that I was out hanging out with the wrong crowd. Um, which everybody knew besides me. Yeah. Like, uh, my mom, I'm fucking free. Exactly. You know, coaches, everybody, you know, they call my mom, hey, he's saying out the wrong crowd. He needs to get back in the football. I'm like, no, mom, I'm hanging out with these people. They're fine. You know what I mean? Yeah. When you're not doing anything wrong, well, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. People were smoking weed. You know, and I used to be people up to smoke weed. Like, I was told myself I would never become like the people in my family. I would never do it. I wouldn't do it. So I would drink, but I never did drugs. Like I was, I was not going to become like the people in my family. Right. Well, after I quit football, I'm never setting in this little, there was a trail from my mom's house to my sister's house man. And I'm never setting that trail ticket. My first ball hit and, uh, every dream, everything went out the window. That day. Yeah. Like, I can literally, looking back on that now, like all motivation. Everything I want to do in my life was gone that day. And, uh, I started from there, started doing acid, you know, mushrooms, XC and cocaine. Then I just put this cocaine and XC for so long. Man, it was, uh, you know, I didn't graduate high school, you know, I, uh, and, um, it left my senior year. We went to state that year for football, which is like the best thing you could do, you know, and typical of less like two. Right. Yeah. And it's our pretty good that you're going to make them deep, right? Right. And, and, you know, it was, uh, that's what I love to do. And, uh, it come to find out, you know, I fucked all that up. And I don't have, I don't know, hold any regrets in my life besides quitting football, man. And I've done a lot of bad shit in my life. I've heard a lot of people, especially people I love, you know, like, uh, that's probably what I work the worst for the people I love, you know, my son, my mom, you know, this, and the one thing I regret is walking off that football field that day. Yeah. And, they're, it's, um, high school is an odd place. And I actually just had this conversation with my son, but we were talking and it was like, don't enjoy these years. Like the four years of high school are the best time to be your life in my opinion, because it's like where you get to kind of, kind of get to play adult without all the responsibility. Right. So, you know, I feel a lot more freedom to go out and do the things. So that's why I bring that up, man. It's like you quit something that you really, really love doing. And you can look back on it now and be like, I think about that. Like if I wouldn't have quit, like, uh, what would have, what will run my life look like? You know what I mean? Yeah. Cause it probably would have been different. It really would have, if I probably would have listened to my coaches, listened to my mom, it would have been different. I would have stayed at school. Now, I would have done things differently. Let me ask you this, cause this happened with me. Um, I didn't take, I wasn't good with authority figures from men, right? Cause my dad really wasn't around. So I didn't like to listen to men tell me what to do, especially coaches. Yeah. So I remember what, that's one of the only regrets that I have in life is that I quit playing sports. And I remember whenever I quit, it was because all my friends were quitting, right? So I was like, fucking, I'm quitting with them, right? I remember that it was, it was, it was, his name was coach Ragsdale. He was like, oh, Brian, don't fall, don't follow everybody else. Fucking do just stay because you're good at what you can be really good. And I was like, I was running track at the time. And believe it or not, I was pretty fast. And I was like, no, I'm fucking quitting. They're all quitting. I'm going with them. And I remember he sat there and talked to me for like 30 minutes. And it was just in my mind that, fuck you, I'm leaving. Yeah. And like, if I could go back, I don't really have too many regrets in life. But that's one thing that just to see how good I could have been. Yeah. But it was, I didn't like to be told by coaches, especially men authority, what to do or how to do it. I was never good with that. Well, you talk about community too, right? And your, and your recovery. And that's a community, right? Like my son's baseball team. That's a, they're tight knit. The football team, same shit, you know, and then kind of the athletic department, they mean, it's like, oh, we go hang out with the softball girls or the, and then saw athletes are, is one big solid community, right? Like when you give that up to me, it's like, you got to, that's what high school is about too, is finding, you find the chess club, find the, the theater club, find a, what it, it doesn't have to be sports, but find the thing, right? Like find something that you're passionate about, fucking doing and hang out with them. What those people, because they'll support you. And yeah, I found out what I'm passionate for. Yeah, I'm calling you. And yeah, they support it. Yeah, they support it. You know, if we supported each other, you know what I mean? Like, good, uh, but you let go of your passion, you know, let go of a, of trade one for another, right? Exactly. And yeah, for sure, it was, uh, and like I said, I don't regret it. I mean, a lot of things about life, there's two really regrets, you know, and one is putting one on one is, uh, my little brother, he had a daughter and she died about two weeks after she, uh, was born. And I didn't go to the funeral. Uh, were you high? I was high. Yeah. And, uh, uh, uh, so this day is still kind of fucked with me, you know, because, and I don't, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, about it in your year, you didn't show up? No, I know about it. Yeah. I know about it. But I, I, I tried to lie and say you didn't know about it. No. No. I would, he knew it was up. Me and my brother, me and my little brother were pretty close and he knew exactly why I wasn't there, you know what I mean? And I just didn't enter the phone. I was gigged down on my mind, man. Like, I mean, another buddy of mine that was supposed to be there, you know, and, uh, it's kind of one of those things where you let time just kind of, you don't say anything about it. You don't talk about it. It just kind of is there. Yeah. And, uh, feel to say, we've kind of mentioned this one, but I probably need to sit down and have a long conversation. I still haven't done that. You know, I mean, we've talked about these kind of things, but I've never liked to sit down and like, you know, um, plus like he's just now nearly sober. Like, he's got like, like, what is it? Maybe two years? Maybe a little more. I'm not sure. So he was in his ship for a long time. I was in my ship for a long time. You know what I mean? So it was kind of like, it's kind of got brushed in. Yeah. Um, and, uh, yeah, especially if it's still something that affects you. Yeah. Exactly. You know, and, uh, yeah, I do. I don't know. And those are the things that I do, though, man. Like I fucking know. Like, you know, I, when I was three years sober, I was at a mental breakdown. Like, uh, I had, uh, for three years of my sobriety, I was doing everything the right way, you know, going to meetings, you know, reading the book, you know, journaling, meditating, doing all these things that got me to where I needed to be. Because it was life or death. You know, like I had to do these things, or I was not going to make it. You know, I was going to die. Yeah. That's kind of, you know, uh, that's just where it was going to be. And, um, at three years, you know, I'm like, you know, I think I'm good. Not, you know, I'm kind of getting complacent, got comfortable. We know, uh, some of our many meetings, you know, um, you know, the one thing I did have is, you know, God is what keeps me sober. I'm not a big, a, a 12 step guy, you know, I think everybody in the world should do it because it's like a life lesson. It definitely helped me get to where I'm at. Yeah. But what keeps me so, as, as coach sober is my connection with God. And, uh, I found myself not praying as much. You know, me and my son were either by well, sometimes at night, you know, and we, you know, we did that for a long time and I kind of got away from that. And, uh, sponsored my sponsor, you know, it was, you know, we, I'm setting up one night and I'm like, my whole body was telling me I need to call him. I need to call him. Uh, and, uh, this kind of how God works my life. And I was like, you know what? I'm not going to call him. He has a life. He's a family. I'm like, yeah, I can do it alone. I got this. That was on a Friday. That Saturday. I'm like, I'm losing my fucking mind. I need to call somebody. I never asked to it and call anybody. Uh, Sunday morning, he calls me. He's like, what's the man just checking on you? I was like, uh, just broke down, sobbing, crying, like ugly crying. You know what I mean? And, uh, he was like, like bad man and he was like, well, this is what happens. You know, when you don't do the things you need to do. And I'm like, what do you mean? You're like, what are you starting to name it off the things? I'm like, no, I haven't done that. I haven't done that. And he's like, like the fuck up. Yeah. I was like, you know, uh, this is why, you know, he's like, you're a long, short, sobriety now. Man, he's like, this is going to happen. He's like, he, he, I've committed myself three times in the last 15 years. You know, like, you need to do these things. And I was like, damn, man, I really, like for me, I have to continue to do stuff in my cover or I won't make it. But it's easy to get complacent just for everyone. Right. Like, I mean, you start gaining a lot of confidence and you would start the, but the, the shit doesn't stop, right? Like what? And I, I know the work you can start letting that go because of life, dude, you got a kid. You've got this whole life. You guys got this whole life outside of here. It's real easy to start letting go of quick little things that by the, the mother's to where we are. Motherfathers like you have, have, have got to stay on your top of whatever it is that keeps you where you're at. Right. And that's, that's just what it is. That pride starts coming back. Man, that pride starts coming back. You know, the ego starts coming back. You're like, I don't need this. I got it. Yeah. I don't get shit. Rose, I know. I know on my worst days now is, um, I'll start praying. And then I'm like, fuck, I haven't prayed in a long time. Right. Like, it's been like, and then I'm like, I'm literally coming to you to ask you to save me. But then I feel like a piece of shit. I'm 100% saved me. Something that's like, Hey, I'm just checking in. Yeah. Cause I don't want to get worried. Yeah. It's like, I was literally coming to you for help. But now I'm like, I probably don't even deserve your help. This is kind of how, cause I haven't talked to you in weeks. And then like, I know when I'm feeling spiritually unfit, I need to go to a meeting. Yeah. I don't go to as many meetings as I used to. But on the, the weeks where I'm like, snappy or just not feeling grateful, especially when I'm not feeling grateful. Because I can become ungrateful real quick. As I like, man, I need to catch a meeting. I need to go find a meeting. Yeah. And that's the kind of like, same with me, you know, like, uh, you know, we say we went with a couple meetings, man, I didn't go to one for like a year. And then I had some one to like, Hey, just come in this meeting with me. I was like, okay, let's go. You know, and I, that was God tell me I needed to go. You know what I mean? And I went three or four times here in the last couple of months, which is good. You know, for me. But yeah, man, I know for me like, uh, I've got to continue to do some of the work. If I don't, I'd get the first person to tell my shit down quick. Yeah. I am my first worst critic. I could have people all over telling me, oh, you're this or that you're, you're, you're helping me. You know, you give me hope. You inspire me. You do this and I'll be like, you're full of shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, uh, that's kind of like what it was, my three or three or so. Like I had, I was going really well in my job. I was moving up. You know, I was helping people out. You know, people were telling me how, you know, how I give them hope. I'm just butt telling them I stored them. I was like, I felt like I was abroad. I felt like this bullshit. You know, I was like, am I really, you know, started to think about am I really, you know, like it started really getting to me. You know, and, you know, of course, I started. I did some inventory, you know, I hated doing, but I did some inventory. I started praying against our reading the Bible, started doing a little bit of journaling. About two weeks, I was back to where I needed to be. You know what I mean? And, you know, I don't think I'll ever be like 100%. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, I'm a single dad. You know, it's been me and my son for 10 years. You know what I mean? Just being him. And I six, I've been sober, but you know, prior to the first nine years of his life, I was not the dad I needed to be. Yeah. So yeah, and he sees the difference from what I was, you know, from to who we are now, you know, like I tell everybody, he's been to hell them back with me, man. Like, yeah, he, he, he doesn't want any part of the bullshit. He made a moment. So, you know, he has seen some shit that he probably shouldn't have seen. But, you know, he, we both came out on the other side. You know, I mean, like, when I got better, he got better. Yeah. That's one thing to this day, man. Like, like, I I guess I am. I think that this is a little bit of shame there. So, you know what I mean? Like, when I'm being 100% honest, like, I didn't think a million years. I would hurt him the way I did. Yeah. I mean, like, not be there for him. You know, like I should have been. I was just an adult body at the house. Yeah. While he played the game. Mm-hmm. I wasn't physically emotionally connected at all. Yeah. I was out there in the fucking yard making weapons. Like, that's what I, that's what I did, dude. Like, I was in my garage with the fucking, I'd make knives and swords. And like, and the crazy thing about it is that was like fucking normal. Like, I would get like a, in my garage, you know, I had the grinder, fucking, I was like, oh, I never wear a shirt, man. So I probably, it had a missing tooth. Yeah. I probably got the fucking, I was a crazy person. Yeah. I mean, and, you know, and that kid just wanted me to love him, man. And it'd be loved, you know what I mean? Yeah. But, and it was just like, I think the only thing I did right was get him to school on time and picking him up and throwing him from food every now and then because I was so worried about CPS, you know. Yeah. Look, man, you, I think you gotta give yourself a little bit of a break. Yeah. And I, and you said something that I think a lot of people need to hear, whether you're in recovery or whatever, but you, you said something that kind of hit home, which is he got better when you got better. It's that order that needs to happen, right? For a child because it, it's counterintuitive because our life is all about our kids or our children, right? But if you're not happy and they're looking up to you as the beacon of that happiness or sadness or whatever the fuck you're going, right? Right. They're, they're looking up to that. That's wrong or indifferent. So it's, it's difficult to, to say like, I have to take care of me first in order for them to be looking up at somebody that's a good example or role model. So I think you gotta give yourself a little bit of a break. It was what it was. Yeah. And it's going to, I'm just like with his daughter. I mean, the, the, the miseducation that they got, all you can do now is teach them that, that is, that was the example of what not to fund you or what to be. Yeah. And I never had that education, man. My education was, look and see my dad, you know, going drugs, you know, beat my mom, fucking, then my sister is them doing drugs, my, oh, my drugs, just chaos. I'm right. You know what I mean? I would always say it's not going to happen to me. It's like an happening. Sure, fucking love it. Happened to me. Man, like, like you said, though, you know, like, when I get better, he did get better. And the thing about it is, man, like, I'll say like, you know, he was in a bad spot when I was in jail. That was intriguing. He was at my mom's house, you know, and he was playing the game. And one of the, one of the things that, uh, this, you know, one of the things that I didn't realize was, uh, I guess how sad and depressed he was. And so when I got out of jail and I was trying to talk to him about things, you know, like, you know, things, he would tell me this thing that he would try, you know, in the bedroom, you know, because I wasn't there. His mom was in there, you know. But, you know, we worked on a lot of things, man, like, there was a lot of things that we, you know, we mean him, we mean him, we're still like, like, there was no lies between us, you know, like, he's my little, I watch all the videos. You know, I have a really good relationship. Yeah, man, like I said, he, he, he's like your best friend. He is, man, like it's, uh, you know, he's, man, and for us, Tony earlier, like, well, he's two years after high school, man, and I need to figure out how I'm going to do it because I'm like, I'm like, I'm going to find a girl friend to find another hobby or something, man, I'm going to be like, put it in my thumbs, man, like, just put the college with him. Yeah, he's like, you know, Alice, if you're watching, yeah. Come on now. I don't know who that is. I'm okay with it. These days. So, let me ask you this, the, before we get into Alex, oh, shit. So I used to have a lot of guilt and shame for what I, the kind of dad that I was for for Kaylon, but if I could go back and change it, I don't think that I would because I'm glad that she got to see what not to be. Does that make sense? 100%. And I'm glad that she, she has an, if her being a 10 year old, she has an education that's beyond a 10 year old, especially when it comes to drugs. Right. Period. And she can tell you what they all are, what they do, how they make you feel. And I'm, so I'm very glad for that because I don't like, if, if I went through all that and then didn't teach her from it and she didn't get to see it, and then down the road, I found out like she's doing what I used to do. I'd be like, fuck what? I didn't teach her. Right. Yeah. So, do you still have guilt from that or are you glad that you went through that and he was able to see it? Because like you just said, he's like, fuck that. I don't want any fucking part of that shit. I don't think I have guilt for that. Like I said, I've educated him on all the drugs. I talked to him like we have an open mind of communication. That's something I didn't have when I was growing up. Yeah. It was like, you didn't talk about shit. Yeah. And then you fuck it. You know, Chris, we were talking about this today. I'm sorry. I don't mean they were up to remember when we used in school, it's like, don't do drugs. Yeah. But just say no. They're just say no, but there was no education about it. In just a month and yeah, like, I was asking Kaelin a day to, she know what human trafficking is. And she's like, no. And she's 10, something in like, should I explain this to her or not, but on her school when I walk in it says, stop human trafficking. But they didn't teach her. But they didn't teach her. And then she was like, what the hell is the same thing with drugs? They gave us a bracelet saying don't do drugs, but they didn't explain this. Right. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. And that's the thing like with my son, like he's seen a lot, but also I've talked to him about a lot of things. Yeah. I've educated him on the drugs, you know, about what's going on. And that he might have that gene in his body, that hey, you know, you take a drink, you might fall in love with that shit. You really got to be careful, you know what I mean? And thank God so far, you know, he doesn't want any part of it, you know, he doesn't want to deal with it. He's seen all that shit. But I think the big part of it is like the education part of it. You know, educated him, talked to him about it, having that open line of communication. And you know, and being honest with him, you know, I mean, like, that didn't have that growing up. Yeah. And it was a kid and man like, he, I mean, he, I've told him this, well, he helped, he helped save my life, you know, he did. You know, he is, I keep myself sober, but he has my motivation to stay sober. You know, like, uh, the things I do, and I do everything for him. Like, you know, there's no guilt toward what I've done. Like I said, there's not many regrets just of two. I mean, I don't, it made me who I am today, you know, 100%. And, uh, yeah, I was a pretty shitty person, you know, six years ago. Yeah. I was a person that's going back to the whole fighting thing. Like when I got sober, I realized that that was not me. Yeah. That was a facade. That was like, people know me as, and that's what I thought I was. Couldn't have find out. I'm just a big plus that cries all the time. Yeah. I mean, I'm just a big, just a big fucking baby. You know, I mean, it's funny because we all have a mutual friend, Lucas, that you grew up with. And Lucas always tells me, man, when we were growing up, fucking Clinton, his brother, you didn't fuck with either one of them. And that's the thing, man. Like, and that's that, then I fed into that. And it was like, I'm sure. And it was like, um, this, but man, when I got sober, like, I was just a fucking hurt kid that wanted to hurt other people. Yeah. Like I heard people hurt people, you know, and I'm like, uh, and, uh, I didn't know what to do with it. So that's what I did. You know what I mean? I didn't have anybody to talk to. You know, I had all these crazy ass emotions. I saw a bunch of crazy shit when I was growing up, man. Went through a lot of crazy shit, you know, and, uh, that was my outlet, you know, what was fighting. Yeah. It's gonna sound fucked up, but I loved it. You know what I mean? Like, it's what I liked to hurt people. If I'm being honest, you know what I mean? And now looking back on that, I couldn't imagine doing that. Yeah. You know, like I couldn't imagine, like, uh, hurting someone like I did, you know, and I had a real, like eye opening experience. Uh, um, so I've been going to, uh, uh, Austin Ridge Church, man, for six years, I've been sobered. Yeah. And, uh, there was a guy and then when I got baptized six years ago, me and my son got baptized and there was a guy who lived in my neighborhood who I used to bully him and his brother constantly. I could, like, I was just an asshole, man. I get a lot of bad things, man. And, uh, um, I, he told me a story. He was like, yeah, let's go to lunch with him. I see that you can't change your life. You know, let's go to lunch. Me and him and a buddy went to lunch and, um, I asked him about his brother, but he really bullied him and he told me, man, that, uh, you know, his brother. Basically, um, went down on line of, you know, uh, uh, he didn't really blame it on me, but I had something to do with it basically. And I was like, um, building it secure. He'd brother and I've doing a lot of things to some other people hurting them. You know what I mean? But he, he told me one day that there was this day where I had him outside and I was holding him by his neck and the front yard telling, telling me, I was telling him to tell his older brother to come outside or I was going to beat his little brother up. I'm holding this kid, you know, like messing with him in the head and his brother was in the house with a knife when he was going to come outside. He never came outside, but, uh, you know, he, whenever he was telling me this story, I'm like, he was like, yeah, my brother would cry at night. My brother would just tell me all this shit that I did, you know, uh, yeah. And man, it, uh, I just got to start crying. You know, because I, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone now. You know, I could imagine hurting someone like I hurt someone back there. Yeah. I was, uh, it was, you know, like, because I was a hurt kid. I mean, so that's just all I knew. But man, I, uh, some of the things I did, um, you know, I think about it, I'm like, fucking, uh, I'm about to make that person anymore. And I don't, you know, I don't, I don't want to forget it because I don't ever want to go back to it. You know what I mean? But, uh, yeah, the whole identity thing, I had to refine myself, relic myself, feel like who I really was. You know, I mean, like I was not that person. You know, so it took me a while to figure that out, man. And it was, it was a first two years of my sobriety was rough, man, but it was getting to know myself, getting to love myself. And I still have problems to this day, like loving myself, man, like, you know, like I, I mean, I do, but there's some days, man, that I just, you know, that it's sometimes, I, you know, just, I mean, it feels indifferent about some of the shit. Yeah. And, you know, but it's not like, uh, I'm definitely way better than I was six years ago, you know, I mean, like, but I think we all struggle with like, you know, the self-confidence, you know, those kind of things, for sure. Like, uh, and, uh, you know, even though I have people telling me how great I'm doing, sometimes it's still like full of shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. Uh, yeah. I mean, it was, uh, I don't really, like I said, I had to refine myself, like I said, I really was. Yeah. That's something I had, I had a shortbade when I first got pretty deep into a, a sobriety. It was, uh, it said after addiction, find yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, reinvent yourself. And I probably should have said, play it forward to someone else after that. That was something like when I got drugs out of my life, I didn't know who I was anymore. Right. Like drugs was what I was. I was a drug addict. I didn't know, like I had used to play sports. I was always good at sports, always worked out. I didn't do none of those things anymore. Like I literally stopped doing everything except I was doing drugs, gambling and going to strip clubs. Yeah. That was what I do. Yeah. Like it was a scary thing. And you remember when I was in rehab, I used to cry to all of y'all every fucking day. I was crying to one of you motherfuckers because I was like, and it was because it was, it's scary. Right. Like it's scary because I don't know who I am anymore. Now I've got it like trying to figure out like what do I even like to do? You know, and I found out I still like sports. I still like working out. Now I got to get unlaysian start doing it. All right. But uh, yeah, that I always say like that's one of the biggest things is finding yourself loving yourself again. For giving yourself was one of the biggest ones for me. Yeah. And then reinvent yourself. Like now that you now that God's giving you a new person, a new body, what are you going to do with it? Right. And I think that's like, uh, like you said, I, what I was doing drugs, I, all those things that I'd stopped doing all of them. Now I said, I love watching football again. Yeah. I love watching my my my life is literally going to take my creative football practice, going to work and going to the gym. Yeah. Yeah. That, you know, it sounds really boring, but you know, it is what it is. You know, I've lived a life only a people could imagine. Yeah. I mean, like, I've had so much fun. I've had a lot of bad times of been. I could write a freaking book in a part of your best cellar because some of the shit that's gone on and you know, some of the shit that I've done, you know, like, uh, it's like, um, but no, man, like, it's like reinvent reinventing yourself like I saw working recovery. I've worked in recovery since I've been sober. You know, but it's a God. You know, I started working at Solstice, you know, and that was a place that, um, you know, I did a lot of work when I was in treatment at the smart program, but Solstice is where I got to fucking gravy, man. That's where it all was. I was, she was still here. I think it's the best fucking places. Like, man, it taught me to be honest, to be open. Yeah. And, um, to tell the truth, I mean, like, uh, that, that living room was a safe spot for men to talk about whatever needed to be talked about. And there was a judgment-free zone. Yeah. Because there were a bunch of fucking idiots in there too. A bunch of people that, that's why it worked. Exactly. We were all, but there was, it didn't matter what you said, people in there were there to help you. Yeah. They were there for you, you know, no matter where you come with part of what kind of life, what it, it didn't matter what it was. You know, like, and that, that place taught me a lot, man. Like, it taught me how to fucking be honest with myself, you know, how to love myself, you know, you know, and, uh, you know, it was just, uh, I don't know, man, that that was the place where I learned pretty much everything. And now we're going to do, there was no like HIPAA, no state or anything because it kind of cold-renate the way he wanted to run it. I think that's why it worked. So it's 100%. You know, and now we're going to play this where there was like HIPAA state and all these involved. And I remember when I was going to work there, when Solce was sitting down, I had everybody telling me, dude, you know, I'm going to make it there. Like, it's totally different. You can't really, because there you can't do this. And I'm like, but they're going to freaking me out. You know what I mean? Yeah. But, you know, it was definitely different. A lot of things that wouldn't go down at Solce this would not go down at the place I work at now. But man, the place I work at now also, like, yeah, I've learned a lot when it comes to like mental health. Yeah. And those kind of things like it, plus the woman there who hired me, you know, she took a chance on me also, you know, and I've kind of been able to grow there. I was a tech, Kim lead tech with alumni coordinator. Now I do some other things. I did a business development and mission. So it's like, it's kind of cool seeing these things down. Because when I first started, I saw cold one other doing these things. Like, man, how's it going to be cool to do that? Yeah. And now I'm actually doing it. Yeah. So it's really cool, man, that I'm actually doubt they're doing these things. And to be honest, like, that's my life. You know, I mean, like, I, I never thought in a million years by talking to people, you know, being with people and talking about the shit that's gone on, that would help people. I never realized that, you know, it told people, it's why I got sober and people are telling me that I was helping them. Because people talking to me, but man, the place I work at now also, like, yeah, I've learned a lot when it comes to like mental health. Yeah. And those kind of things like it, plus the woman there who hired me, you know, she took a chance on me also, you know. And I've kind of been able to grow there. I was a tech, Kim lead tech with alumni coordinator. Now I do some other things that are business development and mission. So it's like, it's kind of cool seeing these things down. Because when I first started, I saw cold one other doing these things like, man, I'd be cool to do that shit. Yeah. And now I'm actually doing it. Yeah. So it's really cool, man, that I'm actually doubt they're doing these things. And to be honest, like, that's my life, you know, I mean, like, I, I never thought in a million years by talking to people, you know, being with people and talking about the shit that's gone on, that would help people. You know, I never realized that, you know, I told people, so I got sober and people started telling me that I was helping them. Because people talking to me whenever they were in there, when I was in my shit, listening to them, I was like, man, I'm not the only one. You know, like, there is other people out there like me and they can do it. This guy has twice as bad as a story as me and he's not there killing the game. You know, like, yeah, that's the dope thing about you. Right. There's always a worse story. 100%. I mean, it's comparing. No, there's none. None of that going on. Your story's your story. Yeah, I do. I mean, it doesn't matter how bad or how good it's still your story. And it's always like, oh, yeah, I did that shit too. Or it's like, holy shit, you did that. I mean, but either way, there's like no judgment in either one of those mentalities. It's super cool. And that's the thing. That's the thing, man. Like, it is a, it's really cool. Like the community of the fellowship, man. Like, I don't think there's anything better. No. Like, I've had like really good friends in life. And not to say like the people that I fellowship with are my best friends I've ever had. But the camaraderie that we have is like, and it doesn't matter like from any meeting that I go to if I go hang out with people after meeting, it might be the first time I've ever hung out with them. But it's still like, there's no awkwardness to it. It's just like we're all the same. Yeah. Like 100% yeah. Yeah. And that's the cool part. I bring people together and my job, I'm an alumni coordinator. So I do a lot of cool things together, do a lot of cool events, man. So it's cool to see like people coming together and like once they're using each other, but kind of like being together and bouncing things off each other, you know, like being there for each other, you know, like, you know, like, like you bring these people together, you know, and they realize that they do have things in common. Right. I mean, like, they're not just an outcast. They're not two in person, you know. And that's when they people get vulnerable, they get open, you know, like, and that's the big, I think that's a big piece, man. It's like being honest and getting vulnerable with your shit, man. Like, you know, like I used to be, hold everything in, man, I never talk about a damn thing. And I probably say too much, you know, like, you know, I say whatever, you know, like, but that's what helps me, man. Like a little conversation, I have throughout the day at work or what I'm out doing, whatever, like those little conversations I have are needed to need it to happen. I mean, they're happening for a reason. I mean, really, really believe that because after I get through talking to you, I'm like, I'm going to like at alumni or something like that. I feel better. I mean, I get it. And like, they tell me like that I'm helping them a minute. You all have no idea what you're doing for me. They're helping you know, they're helping me to sound like, you might have a day sober, you don't know what you just did for me, you know what I mean? Like, it goes both ways, you know, it doesn't matter about the time. I'm just like you, man. I'm no better, no worse. We were in the same, you know what I mean? And that's what people can understand, man. We are no better, no worse. We're all the same. I'm trying to help you. I used to always hear, and you heard this too, the newcomers, the most important person in the room. That's why most of the meetings I go to are newcomers meetings. Just because like, I'm almost four years sober from drugs, but I don't want to forget that I can be right back to where you are quickly. Like, a few wrong decisions. We were talking about this at work there the day New Jersey Dan, he was asking, how long do, if you relapse, how long would it be before you went broke and lost everything? With the money that I have saved and what I have, and I said probably two months, like it would go quick. It would go, I would blow it all, because I know that my mentality, if I relapsed, I've already fucking lost, and I've already broken promises to my daughter and this and that, I'm just gonna fucking go all out now. And he was like, he didn't even think he would make it two months. He was like, yeah, I don't think I'd make it two months. I don't know if I would. Yeah, I mean, I'm, it'd be two months before I'm getting kicked out of this fucking place. Our cars are getting fucking taken away, right? Fucking people are looking for me. Yeah, I mean, it's, I don't know, I know from me, if I, and I think about this a lot, like if I was to ever go out, I'm not, everything's hot these days, I don't know if I'm naked back. Yeah, I don't know if I would, yeah, I have no cut off switch, it's, it's all the way to the floor, you know, there's no stopping, you know what I mean, like, and I just don't know if I'd make it, because all this shit that's hot there these days, then I'm, it's the scary thing about the people that we know and recovery now is, like when we were doing math, we didn't have to worry about fat, no being in the math, right? I think towards the end, I started worrying about that was one thing I started getting scared about was I think I did math one time that had it in there and it fucked me up. And I started worrying because that was when I got sober in 2022. That's when the fat and all started really become a big deal 2021 time. I started worrying about that and then, no, there's people that we went to solstice with that aren't here anymore that used to do fattenil and I used to tell, like Seth, for example, I love Seth, one of my favorite people I've met. I used to talk to him all the time and tell him like, my relapse and your relapse are totally different because you do what you do and I do what I do. You might not come back from yours, right? Because of what you do. And he knew, like, he was like, I know, I get it. But you know, that's the disease that we have. And it's like our homegirl Alicia said, you know, she always feels like when we lose somebody, they ended their suffering. They're no longer suffering. And that's the truth. I mean, it's real. Like, I was saying, there's only three ways out. I mean, that's the jail death or sobriety man. And she's right. If you die in addiction, man, you have no more suffering. Yeah, for you. I mean, it's like when you get sober, you're free about that shit. Yeah. Yeah. But then life happens. And you've got to deal with that too. Alicia dealing with it without the pipe with the fucking bottle. You kind of learn to navigate around all that shit. You know what I mean? Like, it's crazy. Because I think about like rock bottom. You know, like, the thing about like what was my rock bottom a lot of the times, you know? And people have these rock bottoms that are like really crazy. And you know, I would have thought, you know, like when I think about it now, like, I literally had a heart monitor on a little, like a little brawl that you have on. And straight up, you're like a little brawl. And then you have like five little wires that come down right here, like a little fanny pack. Yeah. It's a external defibrillator. So if your heart was a place of shock, it back in the middle of the rhythm. So I went into the ER because I, my son found it was at dead. You need to go to the hospital. I hated hospital. I'd always in the hospital because I had gout in my knee. And the only way that it would stop hurting was to get a shot of a steroid shot. It was not hurting. But man, there were times that's a whole other story right there. But I wanted the ER and they said that my, I got transferred to another hospital and they were like, your heart's working at 15%. I'm like, what? I came here because I was able to use the restroom. I wasn't able to use it for like seven days. I went to the ER and come to find out I had come to dress at heart failure. I had no idea. I'm sitting there and smoking. I'm doing crazy shit. So I went to the hospital for eight days and I get out of the hospital like this little bra on the little, it's going to be full of blood outside. And I remember telling my ex-wife, I was like, I don't care if you do drugs. Just come to the bed. And I'm going to lay down. I'm going to sleep. Because everybody, my garage used to be the party spot. Yeah. I mean, that's where it went. I hope they happen. I'm going to go to bed and wake up like five in the morning. Should be out there with everybody party. I'm like, yeah, I'm sort of like a week that happened. And the last time I was like, fuck it, you want to fucking party? Let's do it, you know? And I kicked everybody out and I used to never wear a shirt and fucking, you see this like bra and shit on and I'm fucking sitting there and I was taking a bunk hits. And my heart's literally working at like 15%. Yeah. I'm sitting there. So I just started fucking spoken meth again. Like there was no big deal. And when I look at that, I'm like, damn. I think that would be my rock bottom. And I think it was, you know, like there was a time where I remember I was walking in the restroom and I fell and I really thought this was it. I thought this was what I was doing. I thought I was going to die. I remember laying there, my ex-wife, she's holding my head. And I'm like, she's crying, I'm crying. And I'm like, never going. And in my head, I'm just my last breath. It's kind of just a bit. And all of a sudden I started breathing again. I put the fuck, you know? Yeah. And I'm like, so when I think about that now, I'm like, damn, that would like that. Like, why wouldn't I stop? You know what the fuck, you know what? And I guess I just wasn't ready. But also I think I was scared to stop. You know what I mean? So I looked back, my rock bottom was me going to jail, which I've been to jail a hundred times. But the last, you know, like the last one was like, I knew that like, well, it was that going to jail, but also the smart program. One of the smart program is when I realized that I was a drug addict, you know? And me honestly realizing that I was a drug addict and that I was as bad as I had a family member was, that was my rock bottom man. Like that was like the reality of what I became, you know? And it crushed me. Like it said, honestly, you don't. Yeah, man, it crushed me. And I remember I was doing like crying and I didn't know what to do, man. I didn't know which way was up or down. Yeah. So yeah, it was, so I started, you know, reading the Bible, you know, journaling, doing the things that slowly, but should have been my life got a little bit better. And, you know, it was definitely not all my time. You know, yeah, it was on his time. It's never on our time, man. But, uh, yeah, that was like, I just, I don't know why I was thinking about that. But yeah, you would have thought like rock bottom was, you almost dying, you know, like, like, like, take him out last breath, but it wasn't. Yeah, rock bottom for everybody. You're so vast and varied, man. Sometimes they don't, but shocked me when we started doing this was actually listening to how little of a deal somebody's rock bottom was. That was always, I was like, really? Like a look from your mom. Yeah, like that. Yeah. But then it's, everybody's looks different. Yeah. You think someone shooting up dope in the corner, fucking with Dr. Pepper or something, right? You know, like, that's not, no, it's like, like you said, someone, a mom or something. Yeah, like something super, super small. And, and my new, sometimes I feel like sometimes it takes the right anything at the right moment. That's what it was for me because like people would try to get me sober for a long time. And I wasn't ready. And I didn't want to be. And I didn't think I had a problem either. Like, fucking, this was just that whenever I finally admitted that I was a drug addict, I don't think I did that until I got sober. Really? It was like, when people would call me a drug addict or a meth addict, I fucking hated that. Someone called me a meth addict, a cop called me a meth addict.