My Wife Said She Never Loved Me

Two weeks ago, my wife sat me down and said that the only reason she married me was because she wanted to get out of her parents' house. She thinks that she would thrive without me and that she didn't trust me. I have a rule about not talking bad about people's wives, man, but with all due respect, who does she think she is? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show taking your calls. It's not everything. There's a lot of hurting people out there. That's what this show is about pulling up a seat and helping you figure out what's the next right move in your marriage, your mental health, your dating life, your kids, whatever you got going on. That's my promise. I'll sit here with you and we'll figure it out. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloni.com slash ask ask. Love to have you out here. Let's go. Oh, geez. Let's go to Kelly's hometown of Dallas, Texas. Dr. Jeremy, what's up, Jeremy? I'm not much. I'm honored to speak with you, sir, by the way. And same, same brother. Appreciate you, man. So my question is I'm just going to jump right off the diving board. Is two weeks ago, my wife sat me down and said that the only reason she married me was because she wanted to get out of her parents' house. And in that same conversation, she said that she thinks that she would thrive without me and that she didn't trust me. Yeah, I'm sorry, dude. What was the genesis of that conversation, man? Yeah. So during that conversation, I froze and I asked her about it after I actually froze for two minutes after she said that. And by the way, that's not a bad response. Like that's a right and good response. I'll even go as far to say. I know freezing is one of the trauma responses, but I just want to say good for you. For not blowing off the handle, dumping the whole thing back on her, like just sitting there for a minute and being wise about what you said and did next. Good on you, man. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. But she said that she had been put on the back burner. And I asked her what she meant by that before I kind of I grabbed some toiletries and some clothes, put it in the bag to go to my parents house. And she said that as I've been a full-time student and working two jobs to kind of pay off some debt and to pay for school that I just hadn't made any time for her. And I said I didn't see it that way, but that was kind of where she was at. I have a rule about not talking bad about people's wives, man, but with all due respect, who do she think she is, man? Like where does this come from? Um, she's been through a lot of trauma. All right. Great. I mean, not great, not great in like the good, but like a lot of people go through a lot of hell. And that's a context for a really tough life and a lot of hard work to become well in whole and healed. Get that. I totally get that. But what about that dynamic when she has a husband who is burning himself down to the end of the wax, right? To create a life for yourself and for her and for this future, you all committed to each other. Was this out of the blue? Is she been dropping hints? Is she giving you a trail of, hey, I miss you, I'd rather have less money in the house than you be gone all the time? Or is this just like a grenade that went off? She has mentioned that like that, you know, she won more time together. So I specifically set a time aside for date night each week. Like, and I really tried to commit to that. And I'll be honest of like four weeks of the month, I only probably did about three. And because I just got so buried at work trying to pick up an extra shift or two. Um, I mean, if you're telling me the full story, brother, I just want to commend you. You're a good man. I hope so. So was this her way of trying to get your attention or was this her way of saying, like, gently, or very not gently, um, saying, I don't want to be married to you anymore? I, I, here's the, the curve ball is, I think she wanted to gain my attention because after we separated, and this is the part of confusion is two weeks, well, just a couple of days ago, she said that she deeply, deeply regretted saying all those things. And then she wants me back in the apartment. And I'm just like, I, I can't come back right now. I just, I'm broken. Okay. So tell me about that. So, so, so let's say this. Okay. I'm going to tell you the way she did that and how she did that and what she said to you was, was hurtful and painful and wrong. Okay. Okay. And as a guy who has said hurtful and wrong things and tried to say something and it came out way more aggressive or way more hurtful than I meant for it to. There's a compassion side to it also. And so, I'll check the challenge I'll put in front of you is the word I can't. I want to take that off the table. And I want to, I want to give you back ownership of yourself of what you do and what you, what you, how you act next and say, I want you to take ownership and saying, not that I can't come back, but at this time, I'm choosing to not come back. That's how you retain. That's how you begin to regain autonomy. Okay. Okay. And so, I want you to own, I'm choosing to not come back. And then that allows you to say, why am I making this choice? Okay. I like that a lot. Okay. I don't, I don't want to go with I can't. So, so along that same vein, why are you choosing to not go back? The, the true reason is, as I pause and reflect, I don't know if, because the next step in marriage is children, and I just, I don't know what that's going to look like with this kind of mindset. So, it's, it's not the next step is you and your wife choosing to rebuild your marriage. The marriage you had is over. Yeah. Okay. And so, we're going to rebuild a new marriage. And here's what that alignment looks like. You sitting down and saying, I am putting everything I have into this thing. Going to school, I'm working two jobs. I have a picture of the life I want to give you. And maybe she is saying, I have a different picture of our life together. And the power here is scrapping both of Y'all's individual pictures and saying, let's create one together. And once we create a picture of what we want this thing to look like and what we want to think to feel like, then we're going to reverse engineer an action course, which might be for a season. You're working on school. You're working on jobs because you got bills to pay and you've got a future in mind. And she's saying, I want to spend less money. I want less things and I want more of you. And for me as a guy, that's hard for me to hear. Because most of us men are taught, the only value we bring is what does the checking account look like? Or you've probably heard me say on the show, somehow we've distilled down the question, what are you worth to a number? And that's just madness. And she might be on the phone call. And again, I'm trying to be compassionate here and just take everybody at their trying their best, right? And she might, she was on the phone, she might say, dude, for three years, five years, how long have you been married? Two years, how long have you been married? Three and a half. Okay, three and a half years. She might have been saying, I've been trying to tell this guy since we met all I want is him. And he keeps telling me, no, you know, you don't, you want, you want new, a new car, you want a bigger house, you want this, you want this. And she might just say, I threw a grenade in the middle of the living room because I missed this guy. I don't know, dude, I'm just trying to be as compassionate as I can here. Yeah, no, I definitely, I definitely understand. I appreciate it for that perspective. But yeah, dude, what she said, I can't imagine the amount of hurt that would have felt like. It's something that I guess going back to like the, I'm choosing not to come back, I'm choosing to recover and kind of find myself again after that. Yeah, but what does that mean? Like to push on that, that feels like really Instagram-y, dramatic, language. What does that mean? To me, that means riding down the picture of what I want my marriage to look like so that I can bring it back to her, and we can take those two pictures, hopefully she rife it down and merge it together. I don't even know if it's emerging together as much as it is a, a, it's kind of like a, it gosh, this is a terrible example, but it's kind of like, you all want to build a house, and so you each create your own Pinterest board, and you send that Pinterest board to an architect. And that architect takes both of these things and says, all right, one of you likes modern, one of you likes a lot of decor, one of you is a minimalist, and one of you likes an old cottage, and we're going to, here's, here's, here's this way we can kind of incorporate all of this, how does this feel? Yeah. Yeah, no, I like, I like the Pinterest now. Yeah, I don't have a Pinterest account, but I know. I know. Yeah, but I better be, get what I'm saying. Yeah, no, I definitely do. But I guess, so I mean, I'll say it again, you're hurt's real, and your exhaustion's real. And you know her better than I do, but I'm going to just for the, for the sake of my own well-being here, which this call is not about me, but I'm going to assume she was trying to get through to you. She did it in a horrible way, man, but she's trying to get through to you. Yeah, I, I think that, that's a, I've never thought of looking at it at that way, but yeah, no, I believe that's accurate. Now, can I, can I, I'm, I has to say to do this because I don't want to put something into your mind or your spirit that's not there, okay? Okay. But I'm going to tell you what I have done in my marriage in the past. Okay. And it's cruel. Okay. It's one of the things that almost ended my marriage. When I would get on a track, and what I mean by a track, either like two or three years of, not dealing with me, I'm just kind of a spun up anxious. I'm a lot, right? I'm an overdramatic guy. And not dealing with that stuff. Or I'm, not, I'm late all the time or fill in the blank of any number of issues I have. Okay. And let me even dig deeper in any number of choices I make on a regular basis. Right? When my wife would call me out on it, rightfully so, the way I would regain, for lack of better words, the way I would regain power or regain standing with myself was A, to become a total victim. And B, the words I use is I was very violent with my silence. I would withdraw. I would withdraw. Now, I never moved out like you did. But I would, in fact, I was almost worse. I would do that inside. I would move out, but I wouldn't even leave the house. And it was a way that I reestablished superiority in my own mind. And what I would tell you is true courage and true bravery is walking back through the front door and sitting at the table across from somebody and saying the marriage we had is over. We need to ask each other, do we want to rebuild a new one? Got it. You know, I'm saying, and so there's a, there's a, like there's a, you hurt me so bad, I have to be gone. You said such a mean thing. I'm out of heat, right? You can, you can do that. But I, there's something about standing up tall and walking back through the front door and saying, um, that hurt bad. Because everything I'm doing here is for you. Do you want to realign a picture together? Yeah, no, I definitely like, yeah. Yeah. Definitely a more, a more of, yeah, a courageous approach. Yeah. You're gonna, you're gonna have a conversation. You can outsource it to lawyers. You're all gonna have to, so at some point, interact. Or you can take the courageous step and sit down across the table and look at somebody, say, you hurt me bad. And I don't want you to regret what you said. You said what you said. Let's get to the, let's get to the bones of it. Let's get through the skin. Let's get through the muscles. Get down to the bones. And she's gonna have to make some choices about, hey, I had a halacious traumatic past. I'm gonna do the terrifying, harsh, gray work of going to get well. Because I don't want my kids to carry that. And you're gonna have to say, maybe I'm putting words in your mouth. I'm just, I'm making up a story here, but I put all my value in. Work, accomplishing, being out there, scratching clawing. And by the way, it may have nothing to do with value and worth. It may be, dude, y'all got, it's, it's insanely expensive to even exist right now. And we have bills to pay. We want water in our house. I have somebody has to be at work in like this, right? It may be that too, but that's, that's part of that conversation, putting on the table. Right. Yeah. It's, um, I'm gonna do that. I'm much better than sitting here, stealing, that's for sure. Yeah, I'll tell you, finding yourself almost always comes through action. And sometimes it's, action alone, right? Through journaling, writing it down, being very honest about, here's what hurt about what you said. Here's my picture I was trying to create for us. I had a picture of what a husband's supposed to do. And I was doing it with all my might. I didn't want to be one of those guys that just plays video games. I was doing this. I was doing this. I was doing this. And also having the compassion and the grace to say, I never even asked you what your picture is of this thing. Or the question that saved my marriage was, what do you want this house to feel like when you both, when both of us walk in the front door and reverse engineer, what are the other actions that must be true for that pigs? For us to feel, we walk in the door. And she may be out, dude, she may be delusional. I just want the lights on and I want a nice house that I don't have three kids. I just want you here all the time. And it's like, hey, that comes at a cost. There's a dollar. That's a math problem. And it may be that, yeah, I married you to get out of my parents' house because you felt safe. And you, I thought you, this relationship would be going to heal me. And that's not true. That's one of the challenges with modern marriage is, like we marry somebody as we think it's going to be like the ultimate SSRI, like the ultimate anti-anxiety and it just, it magnifies everything. But sorry, sorry, I know that hurts, ma'am. I know that hurts bad. And she shouldn't have said that. It's cruel. And in the process of working through what we are going to do next, whether we are going to separate, whether we are going to forgive and whether we are going to create a new marriage, which I hope that's the, the track you take. Don't also be cruel in withholding. We're trying to reestablish yourself through absence, head right through it, ma'am. You're going to end up across the table from each other. It's sooner or later. You might have lawyers on either side of you, or you might just walk through your own front door and say, all right, let's put it all out on the table. And we're both going to be calm and we're both going to be present and we're not going to be screaming and not meeting the histronics. We're going to sit here and we're going to be two adults who agreed at 1.3 and a few years ago until death to his part right or die. Let's sit down and have this hard conversation. And bro, I'll walk with you every step of the way. You need something you holler at me. And if she wants to call in too, I'm happy to do that also. Next right move, brother. Step one. Take the first step. Thanks for calling, ma'am. We come back. A woman asks how to get her husband. Oh, God, is this my wife? Is this Kelly and my wife? We come back. A woman asks how to get her husband to take punctuality. Seriously, we'll be right back. The new year is here and it's time for new towels from Cozy Earth. Throw out the old towels that your aunt gave you at your wedding or the ones you got at the local store because they're gross. They're gross. It's time for new towels. And I don't know how they do this, but Cozy Earth towels will change your life. And that might say something about my life, but here's the deal. The towels are amazing. When it's cold outside, a hot shower is nice. Also getting in and out of a cold plunge. It's nice, but both of those things are nicer when you wrap up in a Cozy Earth looks towel. 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That's HelixSleep.com slash Deloney for 27% off your entire purchase. Until Helix, you heard about their incredible mattresses right here on the Dr. John Deloney show with Helix better sleep starts right now. All right. Hey, real quick, real quick hit the subscribe button. I'm so glad you're here. Hit the like button. The subscribe share these episodes with your friends. I'm going on a campaign now to launch this show out even further into the world and I can't do it without you. We don't pay for advertising or anything like that. You're our advertisements. And so thank you for being with us, for being in our gang, past the show around. Anyway, you know how I'm super, super, super grateful. It's got to Ashville, North Carolina and talk to Blair. What's up, Blair? Hey, Dr. John, I am having trouble with my husband. He as he was diagnosed with ADHD about a year or two ago and he's always had some symptoms of that and is having a lot of kind of as our marriage goes along. It's becoming more and more of a problem, especially with our kids. Okay, so be be don't dump it all into the diagnostic bucket. Be specific about the things that are becoming more of a problem. Well, when I wrote in my question, it was specifically about him being on time. And he, I guess what they call is time blindness and that literally rolls his life. Okay. So one of the examples was that, actually like when I wrote in, this was happening. My daughter had our daughter had a doctor's appointment and the morning of I said, okay, her doctor's appointment said 1030. You need to be there at 1030. You need to be have the kids buckled in their car seats at 1045, pulling down the driveway or not to 445, 1015 to be there at 1030. You said you got it at the address of the location in the reminder note on his calendar. And I was like, okay, I'm going to work. I went to work. 1030 rolls around. He hasn't text me or called me. So I look at his life 360 and he is still at our house. And so this is not, it's not like the first time, but this just happens literally almost every single day in our life with something. He's never, sorry, he's never on time for work. He's never on time for any of his own appointments. He's never on time for church. Like he is a preacher and he will have different pastors call him to fill his pulpit. And we are always rolling in the parking lot like five to 10 minutes late. Okay, let me ask you the like you're describing my life, okay? Okay, so I am I'm sitting I'm sitting on your husband's side of the seat on this one. I'll flip to your side in a second. Okay. Okay. So here's the here's the alternative vision here. Well, let me just say this. You got to be on time. Said the guy who's always late. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So flip the other side. Has your husband lost a job because he's late? No. Is he really good at what he does? Are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Sorry. Is he good at being a pastor? Yes. Okay. What time did he get to the doctor's appointment? About 20 minutes late. Okay. Did the kid get in and get seen? Yes. Okay. So the challenge with working with somebody who struggles with being late is over time you become more and more not his wife, but you become his mother. Right. And what he needs desperately is his wife. Right. So here is I'll tell you how this was literally the switch that was flipped in my home with my wife. And I'm telling you this as I rolled into this show to record this show like 10 or 15 minutes late. Okay. Okay. Like so this is this is the pot talking to kettle here. Two things that were important happened. Number one, my wife. I don't know another way to say it, but completely backed off. And said, I've got to let natural consequences be natural consequences. And it was a big revelation to her that me going to work five or ten minutes or me going to church, let's say five or ten minutes late literally didn't bother me the same way I bothered her. Okay. And so she said, I'm going to leave it this time, but here's what switched for me. She said, I'm embarrassed when I walk in late and I feel like everybody's looking at me. I'm embarrassed and I feel ashamed that all these nurses and doctors have such insanely tight schedules and their healthcare provider overlords are so strict on them that I feel it's dishonoring to them to be late. Right. And that was the switch that flipped. No, I've definitely tried that and it doesn't work. Okay. So here's the next thing she started doing. She started driving herself to church. Right. She just went her own car and not out of a fight, not out of a, I'll show him, but out of a, this is a priority to me and it's not a priority to him. And the first time I walked downstairs and the car was gone, I did. I got mad. And then I realized it's on me because she was very clear about I, I feel embarrassed when I walk in late. Because John, you're, I'm a big presence, everybody looks at you and you walk in the door and I'm standing right next to you. Yeah. How do I handle that with doctors appointments? So because I literally just started a new job and I can't just take off work to go to a doctor's appointment. Like all the, I can eventually, and that's what I had started doing with my last job was just being like, okay, you can't take them. But like, I know, but, but get to the root of the issue here. Yeah. And he said, and I know that you always say behavior is a language and he's acting like he doesn't care. He doesn't, he doesn't though. He doesn't because he got there 20 minutes late. They saw his kid. It was fine. He dropped the kids off back at school or wherever and he went on about his day. I've literally almost, I've thought about calling the doctors when he's late and being like, if he's more than 10 minutes late, don't see him. I know, but that's like me calling my kids school and saying, I know, I'm not bringing his shoes. He's got to do his track work out in his bare feet. So he learns. And so it's you owning what's inside your chest, which is, I'm in bear, I tell me you tell me what is the big, what is it for you when you're at work. And the kids get to the doctors 20 minutes late and then they get seen and they get their medicine and they leave. Why is that troubling to you? What's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing there? Because I'm very respectful of people's time and he's not. Okay, there you go. And so let's go one step deeper and say the thing that's in the middle of your chest, which is I'm married to a man that is disrespectful to other people. Okay. And you going, go ahead. His entire family is like this. Like they just have, they just don't care. His mom is a piano player at her church and when we went there, she would always come in like right on time and it would really would give me panic attacks. Okay, but you have to own your panic attack because you know the word you just said is she was right on time. And for some people 10 minutes early is late. Yeah. Right. And so own your part of it. And when you communicate with him, you sit down and have a big conversation, it is I have panic attacks here. Not real panic attacks, but I have this thing inside of me. And here's what I'm trying to get you to do. And I'll get to him in a second. I want you to open your grip up. You continuing to tighten your grip over the calendar reminder and the this and the text messages and here's the this and here's the that and here's the whatever. It's not helping. Okay. Right. It's increasing. Even if he's asked me to do that, it's not helping. He does. He's putting all of his irresponsibility and his disrespect on you and making it hear a problem. Okay. You sitting down and saying away you can make me feel loved is not to be on time, but to be somewhere 15 minutes early. You make me feel loved and safe. And then if he doesn't do that, that's a deeper conversation. Let me take it out of the time for a second. Okay. Here's a perfect example in my house. My wife's a writer and I'm a writer. Okay. I'm in the middle of a book project now. Okay. I write best from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. I wish with all of my being that was not the case. Okay. Okay. Exhale. My wife gets up every morning of 515 and writes for one and a half hours in her perfect. Everything's where it needs to be like it's like a desk that Joshua Field's millburn like the the founder of the minimalist would be proud of everything's right where it needs to be. Okay. My writing area is in the corner of an of a room on top of my garage and it looks like a madhouse person lives up there. Right? Okay. And so there has been over the we've been married 23 years like you need to organize this. What if you put this here? What if you just did it like this? What if there is an exhale and this is how this my husband's creative process works. Okay. So that's her saying I'm going to open my hands to that. This is the guy married and this is how he creatively operates. And the fair call out is when I get into a book writing mode I literally lose track of humanity. I stay in my head all day. I'm reading 24 7 365. I'm listening. I'm calling professionals. I'm calling therapists. I'm calling theologi. I'm calling people to I just lose track of the world. Okay. And so the solution that we found together is when you're here I need you present and I'm going to gently put my hand on your leg to remind you to be present here. And that's the way I get honored and respect and love her. Are you getting what I'm saying? Yeah. We've been trying to do more of that. He's we actually had a conversation the other day because he has a lot of friends at work that play video games and I was like if you sit down and play a video game I will never see your face again because you will literally just your entire being will be in that video game. Okay. So what's the deeper thing about that? Is that you won't be there for me? Okay. Have that conversation. And what does quote-unquote be there for me mean? Does it mean I'm exhausted, tired and worn out and I don't want you having fun and focusing on other things? Is it I want you to sit in the kitchen and chit chat with me because that makes me feel loved? Is it it's not fair? Is it I'm lonely and you have all these friends and I don't like that. What does not be there for me mean? I don't know. Okay. That to me is a deeper, harder question. Okay. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. For sure. And so there's something powerful about saying I want you with me and there's something insanely vulnerable about that because he might say, man, I'd rather hang out at the office, I mean, hang out the restaurant for another half hour. And y'all have if that's the case y'all have a big challenge in your marriage. Yeah. I joke with him a lot because he's when we first got together nine years ago. We started dating. He was like, what if I joined the military and I said, if I wanted to be away from you, I wouldn't marry you. Or yeah, like if I wanted you away or not to be around you, I wouldn't marry you. The military will take you away from me. Like, why would you do that? What did he say? He was like, yeah, you're right. That makes sense. Okay. So make notice. We do everything together up until, up until about two jobs ago, we worked the same jobs together too. Okay, there's something powerful until your husband I miss you. And instead of saying you're never around with starting that sentence with a you with an attack, it's saying I miss my husband. Okay. And you being honest about I have over time between work, between kids, I have allowed myself to be isolated. And I'm trying to put everything that I normally, through all of human history, I would have had girlfriends, I would have had a church community, I would have had work mates, I would have had all these people in my life, a cousins and parents and extended family, I would have had all this support. And slowly over time, your world has narrowed to where I'm asking him to carry everything, relationally for me. Yeah, and I'm not mean to. It's not an attack at all. This is like, I'm in the middle of this research right now. It's just pervasive. This is our culture. That's why that's why there's difference between I need you here versus, hey, I'm going out with my girlfriends tomorrow night. You've got dinner in the kids. And when I was, and when I would be able to do that, our group kind of just fell apart. But when I would do that, he would be there. And he would, I would, like, he would make sure to be there for me if it was something like that. And that's what I'm getting at. There's something powerful about you owning. What is happening in my entire ecosystem? What are these things that I'm saying to myself? I should and I have to, and I must. And when I have the sheds and the half-tos in the moths, I'm now dumping it on this other person. And he's sitting there feeling, no, you don't, no, you don't, no, you don't. Yeah, I guess I was just taught that that's why we have a spouse who's to dump all of that stuff on them. Yeah. And unfortunately, that's the nature of modern romance, which is you complete me. Tom Cruise lied to us. You have to have girlfriends. You've got to have hobbies. You've got to have support and care and extension. And you got to be open about the real depth of these things, which is I have going to panic if I'm not 10 minutes early to an appointment. And he's saying, I don't have that same panic. It's not a felt need for me. And then getting to the real thing beneath that and having that conversation, which is I miss you. I feel like I'm married to a man who disrespects other people. And that breaks my heart. Let's clear the deck. The marriage you had is over. Let's build a new one from the floor up with. Here's what I want. Thanks for the call, sister. And by the way, everybody out there, be on time. New year new me. Kelly's looking at me. New year new me. No, she's like, no, you're pretty though, Kelly. No. We come back. A man asks how to support his son through his girlfriend's pregnancy while managing his own emotions. This show sponsored by Better Health. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying. All the things you think you have to do or should do, along with all the past hurts and pains past guilt past shame. Listen, when the world feels heavy, it's important to first look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carry it into 2026. 2026 is going to have enough chaos of its own without you bringing all of the past into it. Therapy can help you identify that heavy stuff, that old guilt, that old shame, and move forward with clarity so you can focus on being light heading into the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, check out my friends at Better Health. They have over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers on the planet. They're trusted by millions of people around the world with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. It's online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule to get started. Just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. help.com slash deloney. All right, it's got to Salt Lake City and talk to Bill. What's up Bill? Dr. John Deloney, how are you? I'm good, my brother. How are you? Doing very well, thanks. It's an honor to speak to you, man. It's an honor to speak to you, brother. What's up, dude? Well, hey, just a little background for you here. So I have two teenage kids with my ex-wife. One's in college, the other's a junior in high school. Then Mum and I got divorced eight years ago. A year after that I remarried and my current wife and I have two little kids together. Now, I've always had a really good co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife. We've put the kids first every time. We've treated each other with respect, with civility. Both the kids get along. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Good for you, brother. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, both the kids get along well with the stepmom, my current wife. However, we recently found out that the girlfriend of my younger son, she's also a junior in high school, is two months pregnant with his child. Oh, wow. Yeah. Sixty years old, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Now, she intends to see the pregnancy through to full term, which I applaud. But she comes from a single parent household with very limited means and we're on a pretty tight budget ourselves. So that's the context for my call today. So my question to you, Dr. John, is how do I appropriately support my son going forward so that he doesn't give up on his goals and aspirations while at the same time dealing with my own feelings of, you know, worry, frustration, little bit of hurt and a kind of a sense of guilt that I somehow failed him as a parent by not doing all I possibly could to prevent this from happening. So in other words, what's the next right move here? Dude, great question, brother. I want to reverse engineer this. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. The greatest gift you can give that 16 year old girl and your 16 year old son is to invite them over to your house with your ex-wife and your stepwife. I mean, I'm sorry, and your new wife, not your stepwife, your ex-wife and your new wife. And you look at those two scared to death, terrified teenagers, and you lead the charge and you say, you will have no greater fans than the three of us. Okay. You will have no greater support network on the planet than us three. And you look at that girl and say, hopefully your mom is right there. And if if you have a relationship with her, by the way, you're going to have a relationship with her forever. You an invited to this conversation. But these are like their children. Right? Yeah. And so the lessons, the y'all need to, y'all should have their children. And I want to respond as such. Okay. Right. This is my nine year old daughter sticking something in a light socket and getting shocked. And me not running up and being like, why'd you do that? But me running up and grabbing her and holding her and saying that was scary. I'm so sorry. And after her shoulders drop and she gets done crying, then I'm going to go squat all the way down to where I'm I level with her next to the plug and say, Hey, here's how this works. I'm scared too, because that could have killed you. You know, I'm saying the lesson will come, the learning will come after the fight or flight responses over. Okay. And so what those two 16 year olds need is all of the adults in their life to act in the highest order of adulthood they can, which is y'all are children and you will have no bigger support network than us. Okay. Okay. And you're about to get the most amazing gift on the planet, which is a grand kid in one of the most affecting that right in one of the most awful context possible, right? Yeah. All right. So I'm going to put all this on the table in the most honest real way I can. And it's scary. Is that cool? Yeah, absolutely. All of the data I have. And this is somehow this became un Ike not PC or whatever. And until a group of people start talking publicly about this, it's going to continue to be a shadowed secret. The chances of that your grandchild ending up in poverty is greatly increased by the situation with which he or she is being born into. Right. Yeah, I can, I can understand that. Having a very tough road like a very tough road ahead. Very tough. And so we know that's coming our way. And so what we are going to do is we're going to fight like bloody hell so that this new grand baby of ours will not become a statistic. Absolutely. Or it will become a statistic, but it's going to be in the the other side of the of the equation. The very small statistic that is so like showered in support and love and care. We're going to do everything we can. Okay. Absolutely. How's that resonate with you? Yeah, it definitely hits home and I can I can completely appreciate what you're saying. Yeah, I want to be as supportive as I can. And I know that my son's mother wants to be supportive as well, but we're both trying to wrap our heads around the whole situation. And how's this going to work logistically? I mean, they've both got another year of high school. You know, my son, he's he's had ADHD his whole life. He was diagnosed from an early age. And you know, his mother and I have always tried to help him. You know, with whatever supports we could. He's had lots of therapy. He's on, you know, a medication that works pretty well for him nowadays. Okay, but let's back out. He didn't have sex because he has ADHD. No, and he didn't have sex because you somehow failed. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, no, I see what you're saying. Let that sink in for a second. You didn't quote unquote fail your kid. Your kid had sex really young. In a consequence of having sex sometimes as a child. Okay. Right. But you didn't you didn't fail him. Would you have done anything to prevent this? Absolutely. But this isn't somehow you didn't somehow like there's not a report card that's going to come in the mail on being a dad and you got an F. Okay. Yeah. And so if you walk around with this big center block of shame in your backpack as my new identity as a dad is I'm a failure. What the all that's going to do is weigh down the next right thing that you need to do as a new granddad and is a overly supportive father. Right. Right. And let me let me get you out. I want to free you on this. Okay. You have no bad feelings here. You have no bad thoughts here. What does that mean? Dude, you can be driving to work tomorrow and just pounding your steering wheel and anger. In frustration. In heartbreak because you know how hard the road is going to be for your 16 year old son moving forward. You know this. Yeah. Okay. You all of those thoughts, all those feelings are right and good. So when you have thoughts, when you have feelings, don't beat yourself up over. Well, if I was a real support of dad, I wouldn't be thinking this. Or if I was a really good almost future granddad, I wouldn't be feeling this. Don't let your mind create stories around these feelings or feelings are right, man. They're right. Okay. What matters here in these like everything is different moments is what are you going to do next? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And if there is a possibility, some adult has to step up and lead this thing. And so I'm anointing you. Right. Somebody has to get your new wife, your ex-wife and hopefully this 16 year old girl's terrified, scared single mother in a room and say, here's how we're going to support our two children. Here's how we're going to support this new child coming into the world. And we're all struggling to make it financially. And this is going to be hard on all of us. Yeah. And if that means that 16 year old girl needs to be under your roof frisces and then so be it because I'm playing a 10 year game now. I'm playing a 20 year game now, not a what's right tonight kind of thing. I see. And if that single mom has a cascade of boyfriend's coming in and out of her house and you are able to say, Hey, this 16 year old girl is not going to be in a good situation. And especially my grandbaby's not going to be in a good situation. Here's what I'm going to offer up here. And with all due respect, your sons, your 16 year old son, his goals and his aspirations are going to be different now. And if this feels overwhelming, it is. It's a lot. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I was I was not expecting to hear that news. No, nope, nope. About the eight, the eight giant. Yeah, no parents. And and we don't have a precedent for this in our in either of our families. You know, either my family or my ex-wife's family for, you know, the kid having their own kid this young. So we don't really have a roadmap for, you know, what lies ahead. We don't have relatives we can speak to and get their experience around a thing because, you know, where I and he is in a strange way. That is the greatest picture I've ever heard painted of what you're experiencing right now. It's beautifully said. And let me tell you my personal when I'm faced with the situation that I have no roadmap for when I my my mother was a teacher. My dad was a policeman and became a teacher. My wife was a teacher and a professor. When I left the university system, it's basic education was all I knew. I was a high school teacher. I did an elementary school one year and I was worked at universities for 20. When I left to go be a YouTuber or a podcaster, I had no, no one in my family knew what that meant. And so you know what me and my wife did. We went back to first principles. Who are we going to be first? We need to make sure we anchor into that. And so you as the guy who's got the machete heading off into the woods now, having a car of a new path that you don't even know where we're going, it is coming back to here's who we're going to be. We will support you. We will be right alongside you. And we're always always going to tell you the truth. And you're 16. So we're still your parents for at least two more years. Right. And we are going to make sure you have a roof over your head until this date. And PlayStation, by Felicia, you will not have time for video games for at least the next three years. Five years, ten years, right. So it's not like we're just in the abdicate or parenting. Right. And by the way, this isn't like y'all, we're not going to just like be like, all right, well, y'all are sexually active now. No, we're going to, we're going to create some pretty firm boundaries here. Yeah. Right. So we're going to go back to first principles. Now that we're about to head off on an unknown adventure, who are we going to be wherever we end up? I see. And your 16-year-old has to not only know that, but his brain doesn't know enough to know stuff. He's got to feel that. That my dad is disappointed, but more underneath the disappointment is my dad is scared because my dad knows data. My dad knows how hard it's been being a dad himself when he had a job and two co-parents with a new wife and ex-wife. Yeah. And I'm not disappointed in you. You didn't fail me, but man, you picked a really hard, hard path. And so you're going to need a lot of support. And you're going to get it whether you want it or not. Definitely. And here's what you're, here's what you're in goal. You're not your end goal. Your first short term goal is number one, we're going to keep that baby in a safe environment as best as we possibly can manage. And if, if, if her mom says screw you guys, you're all going to have to navigate that. And it might end up y'all going to court for custody. I mean, this thing can get messy, right? The goal after that is the day my son turns 18, I don't want him thinking I have to get out of here. Yeah. Even if getting an apartment, if he chooses to stay with this girl and they choose to get married, if they choose to do that, we're going to sit at the table again and be like y'all are entering into the next hardest thing, which is being married at eight for a conteen. I will be your number one fan. Yeah. Right. Right. And do that means you're going to spend a lot of time in the car sobbing. This is going to be hard. Yeah. Yeah. It has been really hard. I just, I haven't, I haven't really known the best way to approach it. I mean, um, you know, tried to try to reassure him and, and, and offer my support, but my words feel a bit empty because I I'm kind of scared myself and, um, you know, I, I don't know what's ahead. So say that because your son can feel that. Okay. Take him out to breakfast and say, here's the deal. Number one fan, number one support will be me, right or die you and me. You're my son. And I'm really scared because I know how hard the road is ahead of you. Okay. And for the next few years, when you quote unquote become a man and you start raising kids, there's a lot of that that's out on your own. You've had to figure out how to be divorced and be a good coparent, right? You've had to figure all that stuff out, go in whose house and what holidays. You've had to navigate all that and it's awful. You didn't navigate telling your kids, hey, guess what? You're getting new mom in the house like you didn't navigate all that. You've been through hard stuff before. Yeah, for sure. But for the time being, you got to tell your 16 year old son, I'm still your dad, you're still a teenager. And I'm going to still be one step ahead of you as we're both navigating this crazy new future. And my goal is when you turn 18, my goal is when you turn 1920 that as you head off on your own, I've at least tramp the grass down in front of you where you're walking. You got a hard path. Definitely. Yeah. And if you're a real gangster father, you'll grab your son by his face and you'll look at the 16-year-old like becoming a young man kid and say, I will love you till the end of time. And I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm going to get mad sometimes. I'm going to get frustrated sometimes. I'm going to challenge you sometimes. Do not ever forget I love you till the end of time. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. 100%. And if you've never had a man's, like if your dad didn't say that to you, all of this will be new. All of this will be awkward. And that's your next right move. But let's rally the adults. Let's go to first principles. Who are we going to be as this thing happens? Then let's bring those scared to death teenagers into the room and say, we are on your side for y'all's sake and for this baby's sake. And we're not going to rush all into getting married. We're not going to rush all into this. But we are going to rally around because we have a new grandbaby coming. And we want to be joyful when this baby arrives. We don't want this baby arriving in a cloud of disappointment and sadness and ugh. On this baby to be just overwhelmed with how much it's loved and we still got to be your parents because you're our kids. Every step of the way is going to be hard. But we're going to be right there with you. Thanks for calling, brother. Hey, anytime you want to call me in, I'm here for you. You're a good, good man. Good man. It's an honor to talk to you. We'll be right back. If you've seen me speaking on stage at live events, if you see me in a local comedy club, or if you've seen me out working in my yard, or even on the socials or the internet, you've seen me wearing poncho shirts. Why? Because I love them. I'm always wearing poncho shirts. And because it's cold outside right now, I get to wear my favorite poncho shirts, the denims, and the flannels. Poncho denims have that soft broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. Feels like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels come in original and western styles and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. I'm wearing one right now and it's amazing. Somehow these shirts are both tough and comfortable and they look great wherever you wear them. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit. They're built to last and they hold up to whatever your life throws at you. When you're shopping for the men in your life, go to ponchooutdoors.com slash Deloney and hook them up with the greatest shirts in the world. Sign up with your email right now and you get 10 bucks off your first order. And I want you to tell poncho you heard about their amazing shirts right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. That's ponchooutdoors.com slash Deloney. All right. Oh beautiful queen Kelly. Am I the problem? All right. This is from Clara in Idaho. She writes, now keep in mind, people are listening to this after the holidays. This is actually the day before Thanksgiving that we're recording this because it's a holiday thing question. Excellent. My in-laws are hosting Christmas and my mother-in-law wants the grandkids to sleep all together in the same room. We have two girls age three and eight months. My sister-in-law has two boys age seven and 12. The baby will stay in our room and it will be tight but doable to keep our oldest daughter in the room with us as well. Aside from the differing bed times, I'm not comfortable with our toddler daughter staying in a room with two older boys. Even if they are family and I have no reason whatsoever to suspect that they would endanger her. My mother-in-law insisting I am being unreasonable and detracting from the family dynamic. If I keep our daughter sleeping in our room, am I the problem? No. No. And no. Your mother-in-law has a picture of what she wants this thing to look like and that picture A is not hers to make and B. Just because I won't let my three-year-old daughter sleep in a room with a young teenage boy, that doesn't mean I don't trust that kid. A kid could be the best kid in the world. He's still 12. He's 12. You know what 12-year-olds do? 12-year-old things. They think things are hilarious. They think things are funny. They think scaring a three-year-old in the middle of the night just for like, they're 12. They're 12. And so no, I'm not going to let my three-year-old daughter do that. And if my mother-in-law wants to throw a temperate tantrum because she's not getting her way with, with, with, with she's not using my daughter as a paintbrush for the picture she wants to paint, then I'm going to make alternative sleeping arrangements. I'm going to, I'm going to get a hotel. Great. And if she wants to throw another temperate, she gets to do that. But no, dude. And part of family stuff is being uncomfortable. So we're all going to pile in the same room. Great, wonderful good. But no, you are not the problem. You are a great mom looking after your kids. And again, it doesn't always, in fact, I'll even go rarely. It often doesn't go to, I think something abusive is going to, no, it is I'm going to give my three-year-old daughter a comfortable sleeping experience, which is going to be inter-parents in a strange house with strangers with me and my family. Ta-da. And I'm going to be uncomfortable to make that thing happen. Ta-da. It's, it's, it's, it's no brainer. Easy peasy. You feel good about that, Kelly? Yep, I do. Good call. Yeah. Holidays are messy, dude. And hey, we're, you're getting this, you're getting this podcast on the back into the holidays. Both four, too much time passes. If you're married, get your spouse and you'll sit down and just reflect. Be honest about the experience and let that inform next year because next year's going to be just like this, just like this year. Be reflective about it, how you feel, how you experience each other, the things that were awesome, the things that were uncomfortable and the things I do do not want to have happen. Then make sure you write those things down because next year's coming. Love you guys. Bye. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money and marriage getaways. The best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get yours at RamseySolutions.com slash getaway.