#741 - PAULY SHORE + ROSEANNE

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Thanks for the nice surprise, Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. And I've got one more time for the best stand band in all the land. And that's the Kill Tony band. Raúl Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. And this is the great Matt Mueling, John Dees, and that is D-Madness, live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. We are here. This episode is brought to you by Blutue and ZipRecruiter. And what a humdinger, slobberknocker of an episode we have for you. Before we get to it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, well, well, here we are. And you know, I find myself bragging a lot more than usual about my booking abilities as of late. And this week, holy fucking shit, man. I mean, wow. I am so good at booking this fucking shit. Ladies and gentlemen, not only is it two of the best comedians of all time, not only is it two of the best guests in the show's history, but combined between the two of them, many movies, many number one television shows in the world, and about 90 years of combined stand-up comedy, exclusive, and Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two residents of Austin, Texas. This is Roseanne Barr in Pauly Shore. Oh my god. Get on your feet. This is Roseanne Barr in Pauly Shore. This is Roseanne Barr in Pauly Shore. This is Roseanne Barr in Pauly Shore. This is Roseanne Barr in Pauly Shore. Oh my god. Get on your fucking feet. Except for you pregnant lady, you can stay down. Roseanne Barr in Pauly Shore. God bless America. This is Kailtoni. Watch that little fanny back there. The great and powerful, the queen of comedy, Roseanne Barr. The son of Mitzy, Pauly Shore is here, ladies and gentlemen. Two of the biggest comedy store icons, two of the biggest comedians, number one movies, number one show on ABC's history, the Roseanne fucking show. And she's here. Now she has the Roseanne Barr podcast, and Pauly Shore has random rants. His podcast, you've both been on this show before. Welcome. How you doing, Pauly? Thank you. I'm fucking just happy I survived this weekend here at the mother ship. We had some crazy ass shows. I can't believe they have this particular club on this particular street in front of this so many fucking bars, dude. How the fuck I get here every night is fucking beyond me, dude. They could have put this on Congress where we could have been liberal little fucking queers out there and made it to the place on fucking time, dude. They made me ride the bull downstairs, and they don't let me go through the back like fucking Shangillus, dude. They had me go for the fucking front, dude, and I got people pissing on me in there, so... And that pizza next door is fucking disgusting, but the good thing is, is Red Band actually, besides being the producer, they'll give it up for Red Band. Okay. Besides being here, the producer, he also does Petty Cab on the side. So I've been fucking his Petty Cab because it's another job that you can drink and actually drive. So give it up for Red Band and Tony. Okay. I think it's pronounced Petty Carbs, by the way. He bicycles while eating. It's an E-bike, too. It's not a regular bike. So thanks for it. Thanks. I was really excited to have Roseanne Barr on the show because... Are you the host tonight? This was supposed to be like a quick hello, and then we get to the thing. You have all these local jokes. You think the guy in Sweden cares about the pizza place next door? What the fuck are you doing right now? You thought that we're knocking it out early in the show so that I can set up president. I took acid, which you're not supposed to do in 57. And I took a fucking Waymo, bro. All right. Well, now it's time to take a chill pill because I get to say hello to the queen herself, Roseanne Barr is here, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. And Tony, I'm so glad to be back with you. And I just want to thank Tony because last time I was on, I guess I was too drugged and drunk and everything. And I got in a lot of trouble with Tony because I was yelling and stuff and interrupting people. You did the intro. And because of Tony, that was kind of a, what do you call it? Were you like confront people? Intervention? Intervention. And I just want to say that I became sober because of Tony. Is that true? It is totally true. I have... I got sober because of you. Thank you, Tony. We're going to do the same thing for Pauly short tonight. I have... I'm never going to be fucking sober like Charlie Sheen, that fucking pussy. Thanks, sir. I just want to say I have two days tomorrow. And... And thank you so much, Tony. You're welcome. And welcome back to one of the all-time greats, Roseanne Motherfucking Barr. Great to see these new guys. I'm so excited to see people that are like, you know, up and coming and it's exciting for me. So, Tony, just real quick, you know she used to babysit me when I was a child? Yes. Yeah, Roseanne Barr... That's probably... She breastfed me, dude. And, yo, and Wilbur Goldberg breastfed me chocolate milk, dude. Oh, my goodness. He was raised at the comedy store. God. You can't say that, right? You can't say that shit. You can say it, Pauly. You're okay, Pau. All right. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You've both been guests before. You know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity. Maybe they've been signing up every Monday for six months. Maybe it's their first time. Maybe it's been years they've been trying to get on. Maybe they've gotten on before in Bond. Maybe they've gotten on before and done good. Absolutely anything can happen. I'm going to let this recently released convict pick the first name. Reach on in there, pull a name out, and then we'll send it. And they're going to get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then it will say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We give them feedback. We talk to them. Sometimes it's amazing. And then some people become a star. Some people find out that they're never going to make it. Truly anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, I also have some very special treats. And we're going to start with one of them. He's a golden ticket winner who's great at opening the show. Lots of energies. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for returning golden ticket winner Jack Shaw, everyone. Your first minute uninterrupted of the night, Jack Shaw. Hi, everybody. I've been told to be more confident on stage. So hello, motherfuckers. Pretty good. Okay. I need to be more confident because I just moved in with my girlfriend pretty recently. And when we moved in together, she said, Jack, I'm going to need you to be a man now. Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. This is a problem, guys, because my girl, she's from Texas. I'm from Los Angeles. We have different ideas of what a man is, okay? You guys know Texas is where men are men and Los Angeles is where men are gay. And that's, I'm just, I was just raised by a bunch of homosexuals and now I'm just a gay guy trying to make that pussy bust and I, I'm just a gay man trying to make that pussy fart and I don't know, I'm not sure how to do it, dude. And I looked it up on Google, man. It said you got to be more confident to make that pussy fart, but I'm not confident. I'm Jewish, man. We're an indecisive people. Even our name is Jewish. Wow. I love that. Boom. Great joke. Jack Shock. An amazing new minute. Absolutely love it, Jack. It is true. If you can't tell by the everything about him, he is Jewish. In fact, he was just recently released from Gaza today. He was one of the hostages. Fresh. He's excited to have his freedom back too soon, too soon. That I'm home or that he said that? All right. You look like Teewee Herman's retarded son, bro. Welcome Jack Shaw or as I call him Kermit the Jew. Welcome. How's life going, Jack? Okay. Howdy, duty. Whoa. You roasted me. Hi. Anyway, how's life going, you fucking idiot? Answer the questions. You're in the interview part there. Sorry. King Roaster. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a part of the roast show. I'm not a roaster. And I'm trying to do it. You're right. You're not a roaster. So don't try it now in front of a live audience. Practice for many years and then you could do that. How's this week going for you, Jack? It's been great, dude. I actually, I sold out my first, my first headlining show. My first time selling out a show. The last factor in Reno doesn't fucking count, bro. How, go ahead, Roseanne. I think that I feel watching you that you should, I think that you can be successful. And I think you should, I really do. I think that you're likable. And I think you should further plumb the deep wells of anger that I feel is inside of you. Okay. And I think if you bring them out more, like, you know, the Jewish parts, like the hatred of your mother, I think that that simmering just under the surface. And I think you should plumb that. Oh, she's a bitch, Roseanne. I'm sure. Oh, she's a real bitch. Roseanne is very good at this show in the way that she does see things in brand new, young, younger, newer comedians that, that, that is almost crystal ball ask. I see seething anger. I really, really do. And it, at all women, really, with inability to pop the pussy and all that shit. I think that suggests that. I completely agree with Roseanne. Her insight is incredible. I think there is a little, a little angry boy boiling under this fucking, this little clown Jew face ears. What else about women, Jack? How do you, how do they really make you feel? Like a little baby. They make you feel like a baby. Like a little, like a little baby. I like, I like women. You close with your mom? Yeah. Yeah. She is a bitch, though. I was, I was serious about that. Tell us more. When you say she's a bitch, can you give us an example, a recent example of your mom being a bitch, dude? Yeah. She's gonna love this. Yeah, she's gonna love this. She keeps asking me to talk about her on the show and here it is, mom. You fucking bitch. Let's see. But she made you funnier. Yeah. What'd you say? Okay. Because she's a bitch, she made you funnier. Right. Right? So she's an acting coach. That's what she, that's what she does for, for work. And she, that's, that's actually a way she's a big bitch. She's pretty mean. She's pretty mean about how I look. Tell us more specifically about her disappointment in the way that you look. Specifically, she tells me to eat less. And I don't think I, I don't think I'm, I mean, I'm a pretty regular guy, but she, she's had anorexia for most of her life and she thinks that's a good thing. Oh. Yeah. But, shout out mom. Wow. Well, you just gave her a little something. She on there? Does she ever, does she ever give you any advice on how to pop that pussy? I've never asked my mom how to pop that pussy. Maybe you should. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like you have a lot of semen in your balls right now. Our senior semen correspondent, Pauly Shores here. Yeah. He's got a nose for it. Pauly, Jack, you lay it on me, bro. Okay. I won't. I won't. You look like you're about to. I promise, dude. I promise. Jack, always fun, always fun to watch. This is one of my favorite minutes you've ever done. I'm so glad we started the show with you tonight. Unbelievable. That's how it's done. Thank you, Jack Shaw. Okay. All right. Thank you guys. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the pulsing heartbeat of the show, the bucket, where we meet someone perhaps for the first time, perhaps for their last time, anything can happen. This is the opportunity that they have been waiting for, for hours, hoping that their name gets pulled. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ashley Steinmetz, everyone. Ashley Steinmeltz or Metz. We're going to find out this is Ashley. Oh, I got the mic. Now it's going to go great. Love is Blind is really fucking up the men of this generation. I said hi to a guy on hinge and he sent me back a 60-second voice memo crying, saying I'm everything he's ever dreamed of, just like the show. That's been happening a lot more lately. Now they love bomb before the first date. It's getting really fucking weird. Right. Are there any true crime people in the audience? Anyone? Yeah, absolutely. We're so obsessed with true crime as a country. Anything that's true is now a fucking crime. Did you know that? Have you all heard about that? It's true. Yeah. I'm also great at parties. Yeah, I tell things like this. They always say not to stay home and just watch TV, but every bad date feels like an episode of I survived. I'll end on this. We're all going to die, but Israel will be fine, so don't worry about it. All right. Wow. Quite the closing line you got there. What do you mean by that exactly? I have so many questions, but we'll start with the most recent question that popped into my head. What do you mean by Israel will be fine? Well, I'm obsessed with politics, so I do social media for a living, so I see fucking everything. Most people don't have the time to see everything like I do. I'm really fun at parties. I'm great at parties. I'm great on dates. I've been going on a lot of them. If I don't like the guy, I just start talking about politics. I know how to end things. So you don't like any of us then, right? No, I adore you and I love the fuck out of you. We love you too. We love your hair. It's beautiful. It's very Halloweeny. Oh, yeah. It's gorgeous. Yeah, I kill in October. I've been called Elvira for years. So what was up with the cue cards? What's up with that? You go ahead, Pauly. I'm a... Like I mean... It makes sense. So, yeah, for sure. Go ahead, Ashley. Okay. Answer Pauly's question first. Yeah, great. So I'm a personality in rock and metal, so I've been interviewing bands for... Nobody gives a fuck. Anyway, so, Ashley, no, let's do this, Ashley. How long have you attempted stand-up comedy for? For months. And where have you been doing this at? I've been making the rounds up and down the street. This street? Yes. Okay. When you say making the rounds, are you talking about your body type? Come on. What do you think Jack Shaw's mom would say about her? Am I right? Hello, sweetie. I have some advice for you. All right. Just kidding. Ashley's laughing. Everybody's having a good time here for those of you watching this clip on whatever. She's smiling. She's thriving. So you say that you spend a lot of time on social media. That's what you do for a living? Yes. And how exactly do you make money doing that? So I've had a social media company for a decade, so I run it for businesses. So I just happen to see every court hearing, every, you know, congressional hearing everything. So... And you have enough time to do that while watching Love is Blind, True Crime Shows, the show I survived, which made up your entire minute of material, three television shows, and you're on social media. Are you doing both at the same time? And watching Outlander and Poldark. Wow, you're professionally lazy. Incredible, Ashley. This is amazing. What else about you? What do you do for fun? My favorite thing in the world is friends, so that's my fucking... The show? All right. Okay, and you have... That's a channel show. It's just a cannibal corpse. That's fun. Okay. All right. Do you have friends for a long time, or do you find yourself rotating friends a lot in and out like you do with your dating life? Just a genuine question. I did just walk away from my best friend of 13 years. Tell us about that. I know for you to walk must take a lot of effort. If it really did, how do I make it yet surprisingly upbeat? A very jealous shark of a horrible person tried to take me out in our friend group, and it worked on my best friend, and I have so many fucking times gone there for her, and I do not let people... People have said her name in vain, and I don't let people do that. Yeah, that's not cool, right? I know. It's not cool. Can I ask you what's up with your cue cards? I just want to figure out what's... It is true. Did you get them at Walgreens, CBS? What do you think? Can I... Do you mind if I read one of the jokes that you didn't do off the cue card? I tend to be a lot funnier with... No, give me the whole stack, Pauly. No, no, no, that's not how it works, Pauly. Again, I... I don't know. If you're... If you're planning on doing this for the next two hours, you could shove that wig in your fucking mouth, buddy. All right. Well, I don't know if you should do that, Tony. That's not cool. My name is Tony. Nobody knows who you're doing an impression of, Pauly. I literally told you not to do that two days ago when you pitched the idea to me that, are you out of your mind right now? Pauly, take a sip of delicious water for a second. Okay. Let's see if we can make this funny. Definitely not that one. Okay. Any crime people in the audience? All right. I'm a crime person. Okay. Unstable women. I'm talking about me, of course. See how that got a laugh? But it's funny, it wouldn't have if you said it. My friends come to me for advice. It's my favorite part of girlhood. I solved Becky's problem with her boyfriend. Where do I go to sign up for the Supreme Court? Oh, yeah, that one's rough. What did you mean by that exactly? Could I try it? Yes. The way I do it? Okay. Yeah, go ahead. All right. Do you need to read it straight off? You've been doing this shit for six months and you're just teleprompting basically. Go ahead. Let's see if you got this. I'm talking about me, other unstable women, my friends. It's my favorite part of girlhood. I love it, right? Super fun. I like it. Well, we support each other in that way. I just solved my girlfriend Becky's problems with her boyfriend last night. This country and these politics, where do I sign up for the Supreme Court? It's almost incredible the amount of silence in the room right now. I could literally, I believe I can hear the guy in the last row breathing right now. It's unbelievable. Allergies are really affecting people, but I'm pretty sure that's just a normal breath, normal unpolished. Yeah, I find her completely fascinating. And actually, if you want to open for me in Dallas at Hyenas, you can do it because I think this is great material to be quite honest. So we can talk after the show in the back by the taco truck, by the pizza place. I love that. Roseanne Barr, you were once a very thick, young female stand-up comedian. What type of advice do you have for Ashley Steinmetz or Meltz? Steinmetz. With the teeth. You have to cross your teeth. The question I'd like to ask is, well, there are several. One, who told you you were funny? I mean, seriously, and who told you you were funny, really? It's a good follow-up question. I've seen a lot of white, nerdy men in comedy, and when I walk in the room, oh, they just die. But I have absolutely killed it in rooms. So sometimes we bomb, sometimes we fucking kill it, and I have fucking killed it before. Okay, but like, it doesn't seem like, it doesn't seem like you have a lot of respect for comedy. If you come up there reading notes, you didn't even fucking memorize your fucking shitty ass. It's true. That is true. You can't go up there with your shitty jokes, wrote on recipe cards, and read them off. I mean, that's rule number one. You should know that. You should at least memorize your shit, and get some delivery. Have you ever heard of that? Delivery? I have. I have. And also, a joke is a premise and then a payoff. You don't even have any fucking punch lines. I got you. I mean, really, I'm glad you're an influencer on whatever the fuck it is you do. And my advice is don't quit your fucking day job, bitch. And I mean that in the best possible, most positive way I can direct, absolute. And you follow that advice, and when I see you again, you know, I'll have better things to say to you, but don't disrespect us with that shit, just because you have a vagina. Okay. Period. Wow. Roseanne Bar, ladies and gentlemen, dropping knowledge. I mean, I'm 72. I don't have time to fuck around. Yeah. And let me tell you, you know, you were the first bucket pull of the night. This might seem like some tough medicine to take, but you are lucky enough to get to hear it from the true queen. And if you apply what she just told you to the rest of your life, sign up again, do better, no cards, and people will remember you forever. You could be a fucking legend. Who knows? And she can't open for me anymore fucking height. Now that I think about it, you're right. I was fucked up before. Now it's starting to come. Well, I have a lot of different percent. I mean, she breathed fed me when I was a child. I'm fucked up, dude. I go, wish he was. She's so bisexual. Give me a break. Ashley, your jokes have been returned to you with a little joke book attached. Congratulations. You were the first bucket pull of the night. Take the sage advice. Oh my God. Wow. Jesus Christ. Pauly is out of control tonight. I mean, he's literally insane. Pauly, we're trying to avoid lawsuits tonight, please. Just if you could just try to try to maybe just 15% chill Pauly. There goes Ashley, everybody. There she goes. I mean, you just, you ripped up her stuff, Pauly. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn. This is normally only reserved for arenas having both of them at the same time. Oh my goodness. What did we miss? A tit-pop out or something? What was that second pop for? Yes? Yes. How could I have guessed that a tit-popped out? Let's give it up to the Kill Tony band killing it. Oh, okay. We're going to do that right now. Again, Pauly, I'm about to beat the living shit out of you. I swear to God. I'm about to beat you. You're going to be the first person I guess I ever beat up during the show. All right. To the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet another comedian all together. Make some noise for Brian Cook, everyone. Here we go. Brian Cook, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Thank you very much. But I have some bad news, Kill Tony. I have a friend, a singer-songwriter friend here in Austin, who he got some bad news from back home. He had a friend who overdosed and he passed away and he's very sad about it and he's down in the dumps. But he's never sounded better. Car sounds great. Vocals sound great. He was playing for quarters on 6th Street the other day on the sidewalk, made $80 and one afternoon. He had a high roller give him a $100 bill. So we're getting results like this. Let's kill all his friends. Let's kill everyone he's ever met and take him to the top of the charts. You see, Dave Grohl's don't grow on trees. It takes a lot of pain and suffering to create America's next pop sensation. So let's contribute to it by killing everyone he's ever met. He'll be opening for Pearl Jam in no time. It's in our best interest as a nation. Okay? It's in these trying times that I'd once considered converting to Islam, but instead I'm converting to K2. You know, you know what the homeless people smoke out here? Don't they look so happy when they're passed out on the sidewalk? I want in on that. So that's what I'm going to be doing after this set. Thank you very much. Okay. Here we go again. No no cards. That's a good sign. You had that memorized. It was that, but you hadn't memorized your son of a bitch. And for that alone, we are grateful. Can I? Yes, Polly Shore. I just want to tell you this show has fucking changed since last time I was on it. Yeah, it's true. The fuck are the comedians, bro? What the fuck? I know this is a political fucking rally here. I know. I know the only ones here tonight are me and Rose Ann. It seems to be. It's a wannabe host, control freak, and a sound effects specialist. Sweet. Brian. Okay, let's talk about it. Because you've been funny on this show before. I remember you. Yes. That was kind of a rough set. Yeah. I don't think anybody knows really, how many of you know what K2 is by a round of applause? Oh, a lot of dirty drug addicts in the room. I had never even heard of it before. Is that like fentanyl? What is that? It's the synthetic weed that if people used to be on probation, they get drug tested. That's how it started. How it ended is all these people under the red light losing their mind. It's ketamine, right? In the ballpark. I think it's like oregano with carpet cleaner on it. It's an unknown substance. So people are smoking it. It's like homeless people. Mostly. It's their favorite. Okay. All right. Okay. Brian, remind us, what do you do for work? I was a hospitality ambassador downtown, but yeah. Okay. What happened? Well, besides the dire fear of getting stabbed or the screwdriver, it was specifically what happened as I said, the F word in the midst of a 911 call when I might have been distracted by someone else. So sorry for the rough length. Tell us exactly what happened there as quickly as you can, Brian. About airing out another location on six street, some people overdosed and the cops were coming around asking everyone about it and someone said they had information about the case and then they started passing out and I'm just on the sidewalk wondering what I did to deserve this. Wow. Are you on K2? Not right now. Not right now. Do you do it sometimes? What do you do? When you want to let it rip and let loose. What exactly do you do? These days, it's just smoking a blunt before the show because I honestly blame you for a little bit for Tony because I had a viral moment the last time I was on. What was that? What happened? I sang with the band. What did you sing? What happened? I was the death metal thing. I was making a bunch of noises like a caveman. Right. It was fun. And then all of a sudden, everyone wanted to party with me and it got out of control for about six months and we wanted to take some time off to get our priorities straight earlier this year. So because of the moment that you had on Kill Tony, people found you online, hit you up and said, hey, want to do drugs and hang out. See me here on Sixth Street doing the clubs locally. Like, I'm sure you have people that want autographs and want pictures. I have people that want to party with me. And I did. Wow. Well, I don't think you're going to have to worry about that after tonight's show. There's a lot of people deleting their outbox and emails to you right now online. Except for me, bro. Yeah. I'm not going to be on Raw. I love it. So Brian, what do you do for work now? We're on the job hunt and how long have you been unemployed exactly three weeks, three weeks? How much money do you have saved? That's a question only asked in the Kill Tony universe. A lot of late night shows and people like that, they find it to be private and, and, you know, they wouldn't go for that and ask somebody that I love to find out. I consider this show raw and real and I love the fact because with you, I'm looking at you. Brother, it could be fucking anything could be the answer right now. You could have inherited $3.5 million at some point. You could also have $45 and only Uber eats cash right now. It could be anywhere. Tell us the honest answer. How much money do you have to survive and live off of right now? What is the net worth of Brian Cook? $1,200. Wow. Amazing. When you, there's an asterisk on that because I have rental assistance from the VA, so it's affordable. Okay. So that's great. So you have a little monthly check coming in. Yes. Amazing. And how much is that monthly check? $900. $900. $8,700. What's your rent? A portion I pay $600. $600. So you have about two months. To land something. To land something. Where do you see yourself being a good fit? You were once a hospitality ambassador somewhere downtown. Yeah. The delivery driver thing was working out for years. Being in the band by myself seemed to be a good place to be. So I'm open to that, but honestly, it's prospective employers out there. I have like appointments and shows here in life and other obligations. So I need that first half of the week off. If I could work the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, that'd be great. Wow. Awfully picky for a guy that nobody wants to hire. Polly Shore. I think you can work at Voodoo Donuts, bro. Oh, good call. Because I've been there lately, the people that are working there, they're very sweet and they're very nice, but this guy's your hospitality major, bro. So when you walk in, you're like, welcome to Voodoo Donuts. You know what I mean? Let me hear you say it. Welcome to Voodoo Donuts. Yeah. You want some donuts? We're going to check in. That's good, Polly. We're going to check in with Roseanne Barnell. I just wonder if like people started killing all your friends if you'd get funnier. I love this. We got the real Roseanne. We got sober, awesome, alive Roseanne tonight. Sometimes I'm going to be honest with you guys. Sometimes the last few appearances, maybe a little bit too much pre-gaming up in the green room. Yeah, I got to stay away from the weed you got up there. That is true. You do. You know, it does make me out of my mind and I act like Polly. You missed it. Red Band and I just gave her a standing ovation. I don't think we've ever done that in 12 and a half years of doing this show. Almost 800 episodes. I don't think we've ever just given a guest a standing ovation. Why did you give this? Why the fuck did you give me a standing ovation? I missed it, motherfucker. I didn't see it. Brian, we hope that you find a way to make money. We're going to find out. We're going to get an update next time you're on. How often do you sign up for the show, Brian? It's been about every other week. Okay. It's two, three times. Well, you'll get pulled again and I expect a full update. $1,200. He's got about $400 coming in every month and $600 rent. Follow it closely. That's Brian. One more piece of advice from the great Roseanne Barr. I think you should act like you are drugged up. Because then that goes with your material because you're being real straight doing this funky material. But I think you could pull it off if you'd act like you were really aft up. You know what I mean? It goes with your material. I accept your advice and won't incorporate it. I absolutely again agree with the great Roseanne Barr. If I get you to the lucky duck, I get two extra minutes in perpetuity. All right. There he goes. Brian Cook, everybody. Wow. We're having fun here tonight. Some wacky bucket pulls and icons and legends giving feedback. This is about as much fun as it gets for me. Okay. We know this next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen. She has been on the show a few times before and it they them is a comedian here in town. Make some noise for Phoenix provocateur ladies and gentlemen. Shit. I just got back from Dallas popping my pussy everywhere I can. My dad would be so proud. And yes, I know my dad. He literally calls me every other birthday. I actually just turned 29 a few weeks ago, believe it or not. Yeah. Yeah. Make some noise. Make some noise. Yes. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to have a pool party or just drink my pool. It was just a lot. But I think I think I'll be okay. My beauty feels like it's still on an incliner. At least the hormones are still doing their job. If you know what I mean. And and and. Sucking dick is great for your jawline. If you didn't know that. You didn't know if you didn't know. I actually just broke a nail, given a hand job in the fucking back alley. Oh, I yeah. All right. I must have missed the cough. Paulie thought he was dying for a second. There. Paulie, OK. Again, did I was that a boner I just saw when you stood up a second ago? When she coughed, I came in my pants. I love it. One more time for Phoenix, everybody. Phoenix, welcome back to the show. You know, a lot of Texans might be confused when they see you. Meanwhile, you know yourself better than the last two bucket pools. It appears you were the only person to get any audible volume of laughter from the audience through your set. Congratulations and welcome back. How's life been going for you, Phoenix? Pretty good, pretty good. Been trying to stay booked and busy. Perfect. Remind us, the viewers in our steamed panel, how long you've been doing stand up? It's been almost three years now. Three years and all of it. You are a trans woman and always were. Yes. Right. Well, I transitioned medically about three years ago as well. Maybe a little bit before I did comedy, but I've been socially transitioning since I was probably like 14. Right. And medical means? Pormones. Right. And how are those affecting you? Is it still the same? Anything new? I always find it so interesting. Are you like feeling more like a woman every day or are you starting to get to like school shooter mode? No. You know, these levels, they have to be checked. If you just keep taking stuff, turns out that's not always good for everybody's brain. You seem to have a good handle on yourself. You seem very present. You always have. You don't own any guns, right? A rifle? No. Perfect. Great. Tell us about it. The hormones make me feel soft for one and they keep me saying really because I don't know what I, I mean, I would look like this no matter what the case was, like whether it was about being a woman or whatever. I'd just be that bitch walking down the street, being my own person. So they've kind of just helped me with the things, I guess, fill out my aesthetic. That's the main thing. Titties, nice skin. Yeah? Yeah. That's about it. Amazing. And remind us, what do you do for work again? I feel like you asked me this question a lot, but my main thing for work is the stage. I only work on stage. What do you do on stage? Drag, stand up, dancing, choreography, makeup. I love it. Anything. You have a steady boyfriend? I do. How long you been with this guy? It'll be six years at the end of the year. Wow, look at that. A steady relationship. Incredible. These people that have their own vaginas and penises and stuff can't even figure it out. Meanwhile, a complex character like you, a six-year relationship, having fun, being an artist, you make enough money to live comfortably or you pool in a little Brian Cook out there, surviving off of what appears to be $400 a month is the last comedian. I make decent enough money to be comfortable, but I'm not super expensive. This is a $7 dress with about $200 worth of stones on it that I did myself. So yeah. Okay. What does the boyfriend do for work? He's a crane operator. Oh, wow. Okay, yes. It's coming back to me now. I remember the jokes that I made last time. There's a lot of good crane operating jokes when the girlfriend in the relationship probably, I'm guessing, has a huge cock. Am I right? Yes, of course. Yes, for sure. Tonka. You are tall. How tall are you without heels or whatever? Five-ten. Oh, okay. Yeah. Just to get the visuals, he wants to bend over in front of you. Wow. Look at that. Did you know I was a crane operator? For real, we want to come out. Why don't you just tell them that I'm the person that you've been dating for six years, please. Thank you. Phoenix. I haven't been paid to say it. I love it. Phoenix, how has stand-up been going for you? Find yourself getting better, having more fun? What makes you think you can take us through your three-year process here? Well, I've been hosting an open mic in Dallas with a new club that just kind of started. So kind of building a show there has given me the chance to be able to just speak a little bit more, even though I'm like shaky as fuck right now. Sorry. But yeah, it's been fun. Also hosting drag shows to where I'm used to like cussing out baggots and gay boys and all that other fun. There you go. I'm pretty sure you can say that word and it doesn't have to be bleeped, by the way. Which word do you want me to say? Famous homophobe D-Madness suddenly has to pee, everybody. Notorious resident homophobe of the show D-Madness, needing an immediate pee. I've seen enough of this shit. Man, I gotta take a piss if I ever had to in my life. I haven't had a cup of water in three days, but I gotta piss all of a sudden. God damn it. Well that's fucked up, because who's gonna tell him he has rainbow glasses on? That's a good point. That's a good point. Look at this little rivalry. D-Madness versus she-Madness. This is incredible. Roseanne Barr, I mean this is an interesting predicament for you. A powerful woman that swings and punches like a man and has a huge cock. Yes I do. It is. It's way bigger than yours. That's true. That's true. I agree. I know. I don't know about that. I've seen them both. Anyways. Well, I think you've got a great look. Thank you. And you have some presence on stage and some confidence. The only thing you ain't got is any jokes. And you should have. I mean you should have a wealth of jokes and some snapbacks. You know you should. For sure. For sure you should. And I don't know why you don't. And I'm mad at you because you don't. Because you know you've been on both sides of the street and you should have something to say about it. Yeah. God damn. Why don't you? Damn. Roseanne is dialed. Why don't you? You know why don't you? You should tell us more about your dad. You should tell us why he don't call you. You should be pissed off about it and have some shit to say. Girl. Roseanne is batting 1001% tonight. Right. Well, I think part of the reason my dad doesn't call is because he watches the show. He watches the show religiously so he's gonna be like, I don't want any relation with that thing. Hold on a second. Was your dad a fan of the show before you started coming on it? Yeah. Did you know he was a fan before you started signing up? I didn't. He called me like a week before like my episode came out the first time and I was like, oh, well by the way, I'm gonna be on that show next week and then my episode dropped. Did he not know about your life and everything? No, that's the whole every other birthday thing. Oh. Yeah. I mean, he's probably gonna call me now. He watches it. Fuck. Wow. But yeah. Well, what do you want to say to him? Yeah, exactly. Say something to him. This is yours. Where's my camera? Play some music, please. Go to camera. There's a lipstick on your teeth. Where's the red? Well, I guess it's blue tonight. That little blue light over there. You see that? Yes. Dad. I'm sorry every time you see me, I just get gayer and gayer. Every time. Thank you. But if you called more often, you wouldn't be surprised to know that I'm growing titties and I keep my dick tucked between my fucking shoulder blades. Okay. Again, Roseanne Barr with all three bucket pools is more of a pharmacist than a comedian tonight. She is giving the exact dose of advice that everybody needs and she's bringing this out in people. Phoenix, that's a perfect response to your father who's watching out there. How does it make you feel before I let you go? Because you know, you people. I just want to ask you because I feel like America and maybe the world needs to hear it. How does it make you feel all the recent, oh boy, this is just one of those moments where I know I'm inside of a viral clip. Fuck. How does it make you feel all the school shootings and crime and assassinations? Because it's kind of like the trans thing. It's like getting big and popular and people were starting to get accepting and then all of a sudden just pop, pop, pop. And it's like kind of a bad look for you people, which is crazy because you people had a bad look for many decades and then all of a sudden we started coming around and now it's like, you know, first we were worried about what's down there and now we're kind of worried about what's up here. You know, how does this all make you feel? Like I know that when I find out that an assassin isn't a fucking, you know, when you find out what they are, you know, I'm kind of like, oh, please don't be this, right? So I'd imagine for you when you find out like, fuck, it's one of us kind of sucks, right? I mean, but that's how I feel about white people in general. When you say your people, do you mean boys, girls, blacks, tall people? What exactly do you mean? The niggers, the bees. Okay. Again, again, I'm pretty sure she can say it. I wasn't done. Yeah. She's just talking about what's in her underwear right now, by the way. Boom. And to answer your question, I love the free advertising, even if it does come from a fat cheeto. I missed it there. The free advertising, because you asked about how everybody, how I feel about the attention about everything. It's free advertising for me because most people don't know a trans person and then I walk around the corner and lucky for them, I'm the first one. Can we just ask what your dead name is? That's a good question, Pauly. My dead name? Yeah. Philip. Oh, Philip, bro. Philip, that makes sense. I could see that. PHPH. Yeah. Okay. You have a picture of Philip? Philip in Phoenix. No, I don't have it on me. Pictures of her back. What do you think? She has that fucking old headshot or something on her? So PH, Philip, PH is in Phoenix and PH levels are one thing that you'll never have to worry about as a woman. That's actually not my dead name. Oh, okay. My dead name is Byron. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah. It hurt to say it? It just, it doesn't resonate anymore. It's not who is dead. Yeah, basically, yeah. Now your vagina, is it better like the way it is now or before? It smells prettier. Oh, it smells prettier? Yeah. I'm going to let you guys finish this on a date tonight. Paulie in Phoenix. He's going to try to operate that crane. Phoenix, thanks for coming on again. Fun times. We'll see you again soon. Keep it up, Byron ladies and gentlemen. No, don't call her that, you asshole. Put that fucking mic down. Beautiful. Phoenix provocateur speaking directly to her father tonight. Look at the lovely Heidi. Perrin Valery's new podcast, Love on the Line is out now. By the way, this episode is brought to you by Blu-Tchu and ZipRecruiter. We have another Golden Ticket winner for you ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting. This young man was one of the first people to ever get awarded a Golden Ticket about six years ago, the day before his 21st birthday because he cashed in the next day at the comedy store legally at the age of 21 on his 21st birthday. Do we remember him well from Phoenix, Arizona and now a New York City comedian? This is a long awaited return for those of you that have been fans for many years of Tristan Bowling, everybody. Make some noise for Tristan. Hey, Kill Tony, how the fuck we feeling, huh? A little about me. I'm a cat guy. I got two cats. Do you like cats? Yeah. Fine. Yeah. That's what I talk about. When I say I love pussy, that's what I'm talking about. People are like, I want to crush it. I'm like, really? I want to snuggle it. I got two cats at home. I love them to death. I got a black cat and I got a Puerto Rican cat. I know she's Puerto Rican. She rolls her Rs when she meows. I mean, like, Tony, what are you doing? She looks at me like, and it. Which I know just means stupid. Like, I don't know. But she's got long nails and she's prone to violence. So I posted me doing that joke on the internet and one of the comments asked me, what makes your other cat black? He doesn't pay right. I'm kidding. My name's Tristan. Have a good night. And that is the difference between a bucket pool and a true long time golden ticket winner getting his golden ticket over six years ago and never resting, working almost nightly for years and years and years took the big leap to New York City. How long ago? Three years ago. Three years ago. And at the time it was a big deal. You were still right. Kind of living with your parents in Phoenix. Going out on New York on your own was a huge thing. Yeah. And look at you now crushing the hardest snapping punch lines of the night. Thank you. Thank you. I've always been asking everyone to do to fucking bring the heat. Don't yell at me, Roseanne. Please don't yell at me. I watched your show a lot. No, I was going to say that's how we do it. Yeah. Thank you. Absolutely amazing, Tristan. So update us with your life. We haven't gotten to see you in a while. How's everything going? Everything's going tight, dude. I mean, actually, like last Monday, except the madness. Oh, look who's back for the straight man. This motherfucker put his penis in a vagina or not. All right, I'll go back out. Is that fucking bitch, dude, gone? Tell us more, Tristan. No, last Monday, me and my chick celebrated four years of being together. We just breathed. Oh, D-Madness just breathed a sigh of relief verbally, by the way. D-Madness, you ain't going to survive reelection, though, dude. I'm fucking a dude next. You... Whoa. I'm kidding. Oh, there he goes. Hestipy again. My bad. No, I love pussy. It's fun. Hell yeah. So Tristan, tell us more. How's comedy been going? What's happening out in New York City? It's been going good, dude. I've just been hanging out at the stand a lot, see a lot of weird people coming through there. Just a lot of people getting fucked up, dude. So I saw a chick piss in the hallway the other way, which is hard to do with the dick, but with a chick doing it, it's bonkers to see. So exactly how exactly did she do that? Is that pants a skirt against a wall? How does that happen? It was pants against, like, sitting. It was pretty impressive because she was doing, like, a perfect squat. No, not against the wall. Against the wall. Like, a perfect, like, how you do it in, like, middle school and shit like that. Wow. 90-degree angle. 90-degree angle. That's hard to hold for a while. I know. Her ass was fantastic. But it was just crazy because, like, people would be like, excuse me, miss your pissing. And she's like, can you give me a second? Wow, she thought they were walking in on her. Yeah, she's like, the audacity. Amazing. To stop me. Yeah, people get fucked up. That's a real thing. Yeah, but it's been fun visiting here in Austin. Everyone's been trying to get me to move here, which is, I know, I'm like, I've been talking to my friends, they're like, this is my house, it's beautiful. I'm like, how much do you pay for it? They're like 35 cents. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, I live in a shoebox for so much money. Yeah. Dude, it's crazy. 2900 for, like, less than a thousand square feet. Wow. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. Why not move here then? There's no state taxes. It's in the middle of the country. So if you go on the road, it's perfect. What's holding you back? Um, do you know what? I know you have Parkinson's. I'm seeing your right hand. Dude. I've watched my last interview last time and I did the arm wiggle thing and I need to stop it. Yeah. Stationary. Strong. Steady fast. I'm headstrong, ready to take you on. They take on anyone. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Arm is, dude, this arm is going to wiggle one fucking inch now. No, I'm doing good, Tony. No, I definitely, I love the smell of underground piss. That's one thing keeping me in New York. We got that here. There's a little three block area that people talk about. Dude, that is a militia zone. Yeah. That's fucking terrifying, dude. I, uh, no, the New York homeless, they like, you know, you walk past someone, they'll be like, I like your smile. God bless. And you'll be like, thank you, sir. But here they'll be like, I want to eat your teeth. Yeah. And it's funny. I think it's like a, it's like a thing. I think wherever you're on home field, like I, I like our eat your teeth people here. But when I'm in New York, that's where I got eat your teeth people. No. But they're not saying eat your teeth. They're saying something else and they seem aggressive. It's funny. You, New Yorkers come here, they're like, oh, you're homeless. I'm like, what? I like know exactly what two comedy clubs they bounced back and forth from by them acknowledging the homeless, which is here and two blocks that way. Yeah. Very, whereas in New York, they're over many miles of literally absolute fucking insanity. It's more spread out. So we get to know our homeless dude. We got a guy, shout out stinkfoot. I love him. Yeah. Yeah. He, he walks around, he's just smelly and he'll go away and you're like, fuck, did stinkfoot die? But then he cleaned up and you're like, fuck, yeah, you got shoes. Mother fucking stinkfoot with the new shoes. Tristan with the new shoes. You have always been one of the more impressive features of the show. And again, tonight you prove that people working hard, having experience utilizing their credit from the show and position and you've taken that golden ticket, you took it to New York with you and you just keep getting better. It's amazing to watch your growth. Again, he wanted the day before his 21st birthday in Phoenix and then literally cashed in on the show the next day in LA on his 21st. So it's amazing to see Paulie Schor who also started young at the comp. I just met you the other night upstairs for a half a second. Yeah. Good work. I never seen you before. Yeah. But it's nice to see how real this fucking show is, how people are really, he's really fucking doing it. This guy really started here. This isn't fake, man. You know, this is some real shit. You guys ever want to do it? He started, you probably weren't that good at the beginning, right? Well, that what? You're probably... Perfect. I said, you probably weren't that... Do you have to speak English? What the fuck, bro? No, no. No, you probably weren't that good at the beginning and now you're great. No, I fucking ripped day one. But... He was actually really good. We weren't handing out golden tickets that much back then. It was a very rare treat. So, you know, you go back six years, I think he was like one of the first five ever people to win it. Yeah. Anyway, great stuff, buddy. You're doing it. Back to New York with you. Go follow him. Go find him. One of the big stars of the future. Yeah. 26 now? 27. 27. Wow, we met him when he was 20. There he goes, Tristan Bowling. Hi. You never know. Any one of these people could be the next big thing. Everything's happening. Your next bucket pool that we're going to meet or see again altogether goes by the name of Austin Young, everybody. Make some noise for Austin Young. Oh, we know Austin. What's going on, guys? So I've been living in Texas now for a while. I love living in Texas. My dad's a big fan that I live here. And he really wants me to get a gun. And here's the thing. I've never owned a gun. And it's not for political or moral reasons. It's just I like to keep a gun in the house for the same reason. I like to keep ice cream there. I like to keep temptation away, all right? Because sometimes I get sad and I have no self-control. So I don't need that in my life. But my dad's really adamant about it. He's like, Austin, you're a Texan now. You've got to get yourself a gun. What are you going to do for home defense? How are you going to protect yourself? Somebody breaks in. I'm a Texan dad. I am six foot four and over 300 pounds. And I sleep naked, all right? That is scarier than any man with a gun could ever be, all right? I got the body of Shrek in the face of a toddler. Can you imagine seeing this? Just running out of the darkness? She's fucking terrifying, dude. Thank you. Fuck yes. Boom. Momentum has found this episode. Austin Young absolutely crushing with exactly a minute. Unbelievable stuff. Funny about you. Honest to you. Real. No one here would want to walk in on that in the middle of the night. That is scarier than a gun. Has anything like that ever happened? You ever have any home invaders or anything? No, no bumps in the night or nothing like that. I love it. I love it. They probably hear you're snoring and they're like, oh, there's a, there's 10 lions in there right now. We should probably go rob another apartment. Yeah, I have really bad sleep apnea. I bet you do. It's horrible. I can't even fucking imagine. Tell us about that. Do you even fall all the way asleep all the way? Not every night. Yeah. It's really bad. Tell us more. Like is it just kind of, you just kind of like... It's a health risk for sure. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Yeah, I had to get it because I'm a truck driver so they wouldn't prescribe me. They wouldn't give me my metal card until I got a CPAP machine. They're like, I had to get a sleep study and they're like, you'd probably like stop breathing 15 times a night and I'm just like, all right. You know. Wow. Yeah. See your CPAP machine. Is that like an extra strong one or is it all normal? I don't understand how that works. I don't know but it's all... Red band's laughing at me like, oh, look who doesn't know about CPAP machines over here. Our senior CPAP course. Spon and Brian Red Band. I just asked him, was it... How dare you laugh at my CPAP questions. It was a 3XL one. Like 3XL. Different one. No, that's just my shirt size. No, it blows air like a son of a bitch for sure. Absolutely. So Austin, remind us, what do you do for work? Do you're a truck driver still? I was a truck driver. I'm no longer a truck driver. I actually work at Sunset Strip. Oh, well, well, well. The comedy, what's it like working for Brian Red Band? He's just like the coolest guy ever. He's just like, yeah. Wow. Do you guys share CPAP machines sometimes? You guys take a little nap at work together, just fucking hook up and pass out? Yeah, we swap nasal guards. I love it. What do you do for fun, Austin? For fun, you know, go to Barton Springs. That's pretty fun. Yeah, that's my favorite spot. Wow. Do you do cannonballs and freak everybody out? Yeah, I do that. It's pretty fun. It's nice. Amazing. Yeah, dope spot. These allergies affecting you at all? I've been hit by the allergies the last couple days. Nah, I'm good. I'm not a bitch. Wow, look at that. Amazing. Amazing. I'm going to have to remind myself of what a bitch I am when I lay my head on my pillow and don't have to strap a unit to myself. You fucking ticking time bomb. Jesus fucking Christ. Alright. Okay, you'll never believe who wants me to ask you this, but I just got to, I have one question. Do you have a girlfriend? I do not. Why not? Why not? Yeah. I don't know. I just, I try my fucking hardest, Tony. When you say you try your hardest, what does that mean exactly? I mean, I'll ask a lady out and then it just kind of, I don't know. I just get really nervous and I bring up January 6th and then that's about it. Oh, yeah. That's about it. You're so fucking funny. I swear, you are. Thank you. You are really, really funny. You got, you got it all there. You got all the elements it takes. You're likeable. You're, you just got a funny outline. I mean, you're just funny. I want to see you put your shit together and I think you're going to kill. I really think you got it. You got it going on. Yeah. You are a star. Pauli Shore. He's like, he's kind of, you kind of remind me like a baby, baby Gabriel. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. A baby. Yeah. No, he's so likable. I love your smile. It's beautiful. Don't ever change your smile. I never will. Yeah, it's beautiful. Can I squeeze your tits? Yeah, of course. Go for it. You really are a star. My man, a star. You really are a star. It's incredible. Yeah, I'm hard as hell. I'm so sorry. Yeah. You're like John too much candy. You're like soon to be gone, Belushi. You call me fat in the most creative ways. It's not easy. I get a lot of practice with the great red band here. Yes, Roseanne. Did you ever try to go on a diet at all? Great question. I just want to hear what you're going to do. Here and there. I used to be bigger. I was like 420 blaze it. He starts dieting. That's how big I was. He starts dieting sometimes and then he gets nervous and brings up January. When it ends. No, but I mean, do you want to lose weight? Of course. Try it. What stops you? Eating disorder. I don't know. General sadness, I guess. General sadness sounds like some type of military leader. What's your favorite sandwich? Corned beef hash. Wow. Just take note. That answer came in. We're getting word. It came in .02 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. That was the fastest answer in the history of the show. I'm getting word from Guinness right now that you've set about seven records here tonight. Most of them all fat things. Have you ever tried or thought about Osempic? Doesn't it eat your bones or something? That's what you're worried about, dude. I like my bones. Your bones are most in danger of getting eaten by you. Oh, Paulie liked that one. The host of the show, Paulie Shore. Giving me some credit over here. I'm just on panel tonight. You know what? Yeah, Paulie. You know why he answered that so quick? Why? Because chubby people love sandwiches. They do. They love sandwiches, right? A little bit. Paulie's having a real breakthrough here from two and a half minutes ago. Hey, you guys, remember that thing with the Phoenix and Phillip and all that? You know why? Because she had a beep-beep. Red band. Austin, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. And like that, even though he works there, he's going from the door checking IDs to on stage this Thursday. Austin, you already have a big joke because it filled up? Not yet. Okay, well, the keyboard. There he goes. I would love another one of his. Oh, well, in that case, the guy that just has no fucking, no chill whatsoever. There you go. A true star, Austin Young, ladies and gentlemen. This show is so fun. We have some momentum now. Something can happen. Two strong comedian performances in a row. Back to the bucket. We go with Blake Jones, everybody. Blake Jones. What's up, y'all? How we doing? Yes, I look like ZZ Bottom. I look like the duck, honestly, brother. I kicked out for doing gay shit. Just, I don't want to hunt duck no more daddy. I want to hunt dick. No, I'm not gay. I swear. I'm getting old. My mom was making fun of me. She's like, Blake, you're 40. Please turn your fucking hat around. And I was like, Mama, I can't because when I do, I'm starting to look like Forrest Gump. You know, just, I saw her running. I got a shave, dude. I got a shave because the women that tend to like this beard also tend to like OxyCotten. It's getting, it's a lot of them Tweety Bird shirts of the gas station bitches. Cooky monster, pajama pants and crocs, you know, like, you guys know Heather. Hell yeah. Her daddy ain't been rice this day. Learn hard night. Like it's good. I had a woman recently. I was walking down the street. She grabbed me by the beard and kissed me. No. So one of you said, one of you said, well, no, she was bigger than me. That's assault, dude. That's guys. I've been Blake Jones. Thank you so much. Boom. Another one. Blake Jones. Welcome to the show. Blake, have you been on before? Negative. Amazing. Well, welcome. Welcome. How long have you been on stand up? About five, six years. I took a break. But yeah, I started in the Bay Area and then just moved to Houston. Awesome. What made you pick Houston? I got, I'm a cloud engineer. I got a job. I got a job offer oil filled. So you have a real, real job. Yeah. Well, I got laid off, but yeah. What exact. Oh, you're already laid off. Yeah. How long ago did that happen? Like two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. And what exactly is a cloud engineer? You said? Well, it's not the weather. I'm not Jewish. It's like a software engineer, but for the cloud. Amazing. You don't look like you would do that. No, I'm stag bodies. I don't know. So what made them lay you off two weeks ago? They're just cuts. We bought marathon oil and then so they're doing cuts. Yeah. And what are you doing to survive? What's the plan? I have a specialty and now two weeks of complete nothingness. No, I mean, I'll just get another cloud job. Like it's there's enough tech. You're in high demand. Yeah. Yeah. There's not a lot of me. How long have you been in Houston? About a year and a half. Have you fallen in love with it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like the Bay Area of the South. It's just like it's got more racism. Yeah. There's a lot of tech and homeless shit. It's not that bad. It's the Bay Area is way worse on the homeless. You know, everybody bitches, but it's not. I know. It ain't helpful. Yeah. I'm not going to get into it. I love it. Blake, what do you do for fun? I collect sports cards. Like what kind? Mainly baseball and wrestling. They'll sell the best. Like, I guess it's fun, but it's also like a job. Yesterday, just for fun, I typed in to the eBay search engine just broadly. I just typed in the words OJ Simpson. Just to see what would pop up. Well, my buddy, Shane Gillis, took part in the auction. They auctioned off a bunch of stuff, and he got so many cool things. And I'm honestly jealous of Shane yet again. Yeah. He got like all of OJ's old ties and an autographed thing that hung on OJ's wall, autographed by Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton and OJ Simpson on the golf course, just two absolute fucking criminals. And so I think it's like the coolest thing that he was able to add an online auction by this stuff that belonged to the OJ Simpson estate. Anyway, I forget what I was. Oh, there's so many fucking OJ cards available. Do you have any OJ cards? No, no. I've got the Undertaker. I mean, like, both murderers, you know. Yeah. Yeah. One of them is not really a murder. That's true, yeah. It's written OJ. Anyway, I bought an OJ card. It came today and I opened it. First thing that happened, I got a paper cut. So you know it's a real OJ Simpson card. You know, that's like a late night show joke. Paper cut. Anyway, I'm moving on. Anyway, we're back. Did Jimmy Kimmel live? I just want to say that America needs one. What the fuck up? Anyway. Yeah. All right. That's my Jimmy Kimmel impression. We love Don Barris, but Jimmy's gay. Anyway. Blake, tell us the craziest thing that you've ever had happen to your life. You, the beard, the hair, the skin tone, it tells us that you've seen a lot. You seem like the kind of guy that would eat Oxy Cotton Candy. I mean, I have. Yeah. I had back surgery, so I was on Oxy's. That was bad. Yeah. Crazy thing. I tried to buy an ambulance once. Oh. Yeah. When I was getting out of the Marine Corps, me and my buddy tried to get the small business VA loan to buy an ambulance to create a bang-bulance. Oh, yeah. That would be different. I've never seen a bang-bulance. Yeah. They denied it. It was. Wow. That would have been a smart thing. Right? I mean, you could get a gang bang bus or whatever it is. You pick up the person that needs help and then they get fucked. Yeah. Amazing. I mean, I was going to use me, but yeah, we can pick people up, I guess. Is that something that you are interested in doing? You see yourself having the capabilities and accessories and parts to be a successful porn star? No. I'd imagine the pubes are out of control. Fucking bare floors, baby. You know, it's. Yeah. You mean bare B-E-A-R? I've growled at pussy before. I don't know. I do too. When I see pussy, I go, err, stay away. Err. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm straight, Roseanne. Okay. Blake Jones. So you're working in Houston. How often do you sign up for the show? I've been coming like the last month and a half, probably. So you make this two and a half, three hour drive every Monday. Wow. Probably like six, seven weeks in a row now. Up at Bucky's halfway. You got the bastard. God damn right. Now let's talk about that, my friend. What is your go-to order at Bucky's? What have you hooked on? I like the sliced brisket. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a good. And they got rid of my favorite snack though. They had the cookie dough bites. They just got rid of them. I don't know. Like, yeah, they're fucking gone, dude. Yeah. I actually knew they got rid of their cookie dough bites when I walked by Red Band's place and his flag was flying at half-staff. I'm like, what is going on? And then I immediately knew Bucky's must have got rid of their cookie dough bites. Buh, buh, buh. Well, I wish we had horn players here that could fucking. I wish I spent $1,500 at night on fucking horn players. You sons of bitches. Fucking do something, you fucking goddamn bastards or I'm calling ice. There you go. There you go. That's what you. That's what you did. Cut it off. All right, all right. That's enough. You keep playing that. I'm going to call ice on you. All right. It's fun nowadays. You really get to use anything. You can get a Mexican to do anything nowadays. It's incredible. I love it. All right, Blake, so fucking awesome. The momentum of the show is incredible. Three in a row. Good comedians and you are that third. Here's a big joke book. Come back again. Sign up again. Bridget, thank you. Blake Jones, everybody. Blake Jones. Blake Jones. You know, Mike Jones, you know, Mike Jones. All right, back to the bucket we go. We have the legends. How about one more time for Paulie and Roseanne hanging out with us? What a fucking special treat. When I started stand up 18 and a half years ago, I mean, holy shit, to think that I'd be here with you guys wanting to be on a show like mine, such an honor. Incredible. I love you. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Eric McVeigh. Everybody, here we go. I like to fuck cancer patients. Not because they still deserve to get penis, but because I don't have to worry about pulling out. All right, now I think this new generation of butt stuffers and ass eaters is doing the wrong. See, when I was growing up, it was considered real sexual for a woman to taste herself. So after you'd put your dick in her pussy, she'd suck her juices off, right? All right. Now, personally, I haven't put my dick in the diarrhea dungeon because when I was younger, I concocted this irrational fear that when I pulled out, I'd have a piece of shit corn stuck in my p-hole. Then I'd have to shoot my way out of that ass with my own pee-pee gun. I wonder if that's how the Indian women get their red dots. That's my time. I'm Eric. Thanks. Eric McVeigh. Fantastic material. Great. You know, can you be my writer, please? Eric McVeigh, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, correct? Yes, sir. Have you been doing stand-up between eight and nine months? No, a little less than that. I started a few years ago and I had a bad experience, so I took a break for a while. Well, looks like you just had another one. So what was the bad experience from a few years ago? It was just a bad experience. By the way, take note of how hard Rosanne and Paulie are laughing because the thought of quitting because of a bad experience is hilarious to them. Well, I'm from Connecticut, which is real small. Ooh. The borders of your state control your destiny. So the promoter at the time, the guy that was booking everybody, was just a real sleazeball, and it just gave me a bad taste in my mouth. Wow. Okay. Does that mean he came in your mouth? No. Okay. So you quit comedy because the booker was a sleazeball. Amazing. And how long have you been back at it again? Just recently. I moved here about eight months ago. I've only been at it for a few months. So when I said eight to nine months, how long did you do it the first time? Probably about six months. About six months. And now you've been doing it a few months. Let's add that together. Because I wrote down, Red Band is a witness to this. I have eight dash nine months. And you know how I know you've been doing it eight, between eight and nine months total? Because you're the man? That's what I would say if I wasn't in public right now. But I actually know because you came out guns a blazing correct. I've been fucking cancer patients. You had everybody immediately. Instead of what someone that has been doing it four months or less would do, which is, how you guys doing kill Tony? And then everybody's like, yeah, come on, fuck up. Right? Rookie mistake. And it's also something that a veteran of comedy would do. How you guys doing great momentum, momentum, momentum, riding off of that? You didn't do that. You came out with a fundamental strong start of cancer patients. You had us all bought in on the premise. And then it all went downhill from there. Do you know that coming inside of cancer patients, first of all, sometimes they survive? Yeah. So the premise is a little bit wobbly. Radiation therapy would kill anything that's inside them, Tony. Whoa, our senior cancer fucking correspondent, Brian Redban is here. Wow. Look at that. Give it up for Brian Redban. He's our friend. Yeah. We figured out how he cheered himself up after Bucky's cookie dough bites went out. He started nutting inside of cancer patients. All right. Eric, what do you do for work? I'm a driver for FedEx. Okay. Wow. Very good FedEx. I'm never sending anything through FedEx. I'm not accepting anything FedEx. It's got himself fired, bro, for now. Think? Now he's going to... Your act was terrifying. Very terrifying. You got to go for shock in us sometimes. It is. You have... Again, that's... You just got to be able to finish these big premises if you're going to go into them. You got it though, which is its own talent. Having an eye for a good premise and having the control and performance. Punch lines. Yes. Punch lines are important. Hell. It's a one-two punch. You have the package, but you need to deliver it to the doorstep. I got to. I like your premises, but where you go? You're taking a long route. You're taking too many right turns to save gas or whatever the fuck you guys do. Eric, what's your love life like? Are you as lonely as you look? No, no, no. I'm in a relationship. You're in a relationship. How long has that been for? About a year and a half. Okay. What does she do? She works at a kid's dentist. Oh. Oh, adorable. And she talks too much. Wow. Okay. When does she talk too much? All day. Okay. As soon as I get home. Wow. What does she talk with you about? Just her day. Just normal relationship stuff. Does she normally complain about the kids or the dentist boss of hers? The kids. All right. Screaming kids. Right. She'll send me videos of like kids screaming in the back. Sounds like torture. Red Band does that to me sometimes. He'll send me a video of kids screaming in the back. Is this the first woman you've ever dated? Yeah. I notice they talk a lot and they don't have a pee pee. All right. Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Eric McVeigh, something that makes you different than everybody else. Something you've seen or done or been part of perhaps that has to do with your family or something. When I was in high school, I ended up working for a 50 cent Curtis Jackson as a lifeguard. You were, hold on. When you say lifeguard, do you mean you were his personal lifeguard for when he's swimming? So he threw a party for Reverend Jesse Jackson. Oh my God. Now, I've already told you that you have unbelievably good premises with no finish. This is exactly that. Being a lifeguard at the Reverend Jesse Jackson's house. Hired by 50 cent is fucking unbelievable. So I'm guessing as everyone here is assuming that you spend the entire day saving people's lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It was the most work I've ever done, ever. Every 30 seconds we were jumping back in the pool. Oh my God. 30 seconds. And why is that? Oh, well. Well, when they start to walk to the deep end, they can't touch anymore. Thursday. So then they start. The younger kids. Hell, yeah. It's like if Baywatch was on BET or something, right? Holy shit. Oh my God. So really, I mean, it was, there was a lot of work, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got paid $100 an hour though, so it wasn't too bad. Okay. Where do you get the ideas for your jokes? Good question. Well, I just think of a lot of random stuff and I just tend to write it down and keep notes and. But it's all sexually perverse. Sometimes. Yeah. What's a joke you have that's not sexually perverse? You talked about coming inside of cancer patients and then. And then he talked about pulling your dick out and having pee poopy on it. Yeah, there was disgusting, right? Yeah, there was pee poopy on it. That's not good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give us a joke. Ladies and gentlemen, you got one. You have one in mind. A single joke premier eight to nine month long career. Total after you. That's not dirty. Yeah, that's not sexual. It can be dirty, but not sexually perverse. Roseanne's asking for Kina with a single spotlight. And here we go. The pressure is on. He's closed one eye to try to force the joke to the front of his brain. This is real life. Ladies and gentlemen, you can't make it up. Erica McVeigh trying to summit his one non sexually perverse joke. And here we go. It's sexually perverse. Oh, well then that's you could turn the lights back up. I'm trying to. Eric, I like your style, though. Come back again. Here is a medium sized jokebook. All right, there you go. Eric McVeigh, everybody. One more time for Eric, everyone. Still trying to pick up the jokebook. Eric, you have great premises. You have to finish the thing. Now, here's the jokebook, where you found it up there. Now, turn the little thing out so that the KT points to the crowd. There you go. There he goes, Eric McVeigh, everybody. I have a special treat for all of you. Oh, my goodness, the lovely Valerie Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen. Her and Heidi normally only split duties in sold out arenas, but here we are, the very special episode at the Mothership, as they're recording episodes of their podcast. This guy is not a golden ticket winner or a regular, but I just find him to be a compelling, interesting, aesthetically pleasing joke writer and joke teller. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Sir Winston Pickles. What's with the traffic on I-35 tonight? There were more arseholes on I-35 than in Ed Gein's lampshade collection. Talking of Ed Gein's, my neighbour was arrested yesterday for cutting his wife and kids up with a chainsaw. I know I was appalled. I only went to see him last week and asked to borrow a chainsaw. He said he didn't own one. No one likes a liar, Derek. What's with the 15-mile-per-hour school zones in this country? I always floor it to 75 miles per hour. There's no way I'm taking a bullet in those fucking war zones. I get a lot of hassle for my jokes. I did a dyslexia joke last week and you should see the blowback my neighbours are getting. fades Thank you, we have we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we Yes, slightly. Welcome back, Sir Winston. Remind us all, how long you been on stand-up? Six years stand-up. Ten years in whiteface. Yes. I do the whiteface because blackface is frowned upon. That is true. It's all the same to dematness, though. Unless you're Jimmy Kimmel. That's true. That's true. Another Kimmel reference. Jimmy did blackface. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Guys, so good at fake crying. Um, Sir Winston Pickles, let's talk about something we haven't talked about before. What is something in your life that we don't haven't found out about you just yet? I've had multiple occupations. Coal miner was one of them. Wow. So you did do blackface? I did do blackface at one point, yes. Yes, I did. What else? What other jobs did you have? Coal miner? I've been a sand blaster. I've been a Premier League photographer. Wow, a sand blaster. That's when you go to the Middle East and fight for our military? Fight for the British military. Blast the sandpaper? Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. So coal miner, a sand blaster. What was the third thing? Premier League photographer. What is football? Oh, that's right. Soccer in your world. That's right. Absolutely amazing. And what made you stop being a photographer? Licensing laws. License of what? Licensing sin laws. Oh. Yes, sir. Okay. People got greedy wanting too much of my money, so I billed on it. Got it. Got it. Okay, sir. Winston, how's living in Texas going for you? It's cool enough now, which is just as well, there. Is it hard on the hot days with? Not as hot as Florida, believe it or not. Right. Is it a makeup run? No, it's waterproof, sir. Amazing. Amazing. What else are Winston picking? How do you wash it off then? Actually, I'm getting word that is the smartest question Red Bands ever asked in the history of the show. Unbelievable. You never know what another episode of Kill Tony will bring. Alcohol. Yes, alcohol. So you have to go all over the head. You just like fucking thump it. Yeah, and just wipe it away. Wow. And you go full face every day? You take some days off? Some days, yeah, like my skin breathe a little bit. What do you do on those days when you're just Winston pickles? Well, I'm trying to avoid all the weird emails I'm getting lately from these clown fetish people who once talked about it. Ooh, they want to see your pickle. Yes, they want to see my pickle. Yes, the old Sir Winston. They have a master in numbers now, Tony, so. Absolutely. I'm sure you seem like you've been had experience with clowns in your life. What do you think about Sir Winston pickles? Well, I just want to know what he does. I mean, you just stand up, but what else do you do? Just stand up. That's it? That's it. Wow. Okay. You can do other things too. You can sing like David Bowie. No. You have a David Bowie voice. I have a David Bowie voice, yeah, a dead one. No, it's a beautiful voice. People love David Bowie, and have you ever seen that movie, Powder? Yes. Yeah, you remind me of the guy from Powder. You could be an actor as well. There's a lot of things you can do, sing your pickle. Yes. You can go down to the bayou, and you can maybe get some crazy stuff and some ostriches, and maybe you can go there and see a whole bunch of things. Yes, things that famous in England are bayous and ostriches. Yes. Your knowledge of the Brits is incredible, Polly. I'm going to check in with our, the queen, Roseanne Barr. I think it's really original what you're doing. I mean, I like the idea of, you know, the clown with really dark jokes. Well, thank you. I think that's really original, and I like you getting really, really dark about serial killers and stuff like that. I think it's... Well, my neighbors think I'm a serial killer, so... You're what? My neighbors, they think I'm a serial killer. Yes, without a doubt. We still kind of think you might be a serial killer, by the way. There's a lot of people that think you're a serial killer. I mean, I think it's an intriguing act that you can really work with. I mean, I'm intrigued by it. Thank you. And you have good punchlines with it too. So, keep on. Yeah, thank you. But it gets a little bit scarier. I agree. I like that note. I like it. Lean into the darkness a little bit more. Yeah, lean into it more. Your social media is great. I follow you on Instagram in your videos. You're like daily up, you know, you do these cool one-liners. 15-minute one-liners, yes. Yeah, they're great. Is it Sir Winston Pickles? Just straight up. On Instagram, yes. On Instagram. Okay, perfect. Follow him there. Thank you, Sir Winston Pickles. A fantastic performance. Always... Thank you. It was great. It was fun to watch, right, man? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show again Thursday. Boom! Thursday night, ear book. Real show in the city of Austin. Kino. Kino's excited about the booking of Sir Winston Pickles. Oh, okay. I've been informed that this bucket pool is on the inside. It's one of you, ladies and gentlemen. One of you that signed up makes some noise for Zip, everyone. Zip. We got inside lights. Is that possible? No. Zip. Any movement? Is that Zip? Kino, you got inside lights, Kino? No. Okay. We got movement. Is that Zip? Nope. That's a guy going pee. Now is a funny time to go pee. All right. What is a... Let's do something very special then while we go wrangle this next bucket pool. You can turn those inside lights off, Kino, as I present to you one of the greatest brand new forces of nature in the Kiltoni universe. I mean, oh my goodness. This kid is taking off. I present to you who may be the newest, biggest star of this year. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Timmy No-Break. All right. All right. All right. You dumbass retards like impressions. Okay. This is an impression of a generic white guy named Tim Stiefler from San Diego. Okay? Okay. Who likes charades? Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. There is not enough time. It was horny officer gives Asian girl huge cream pie after deep cavity surgery. Wow. Just when you... Wow. The force of nature, the undeniable anomaly, Timmy No-Breaks is back and we've never seen anything like that before. We never thought we'd see an impression of what appears to be just a normal human being. Just a boring, sad little Jew. Is he a Jew? Is that a thing? Yeah, I'm working on him. I made him Jewish. How to... I made him a small dick Jew. I shaved off about four inches of my cock for the character. Went pretty method on it. Yeah. Amazing, Timmy. I mean an absolute superstar. So many trademarks. Such a freak. People say, release the doves. He famously, he famously at Madison Square Garden on Netflix. Roll the clip. Roll the clip. Right now. There it is. A dove fell out of his leather jacket when he came out. And then he said, release the doves and opened his jacket and one more dove fell out because a dove accidentally fell out. It was intentional tones. I don't like your tone tones. Timmy, you know me. Nothing but respect. Whatever you want, whatever you need, you're the only one. Whatever I want? Yeah. Okay. Well, I took care of the interview tonight. Hear your scripts. Amazing. Absolutely perfect. Okay, so... And this one is for D-Manness. Okay. I'm going to do scene directions. I'll be reading for myself. Tonya, you have the first line. Wow. You are the fastest rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell the... Actually, I can't do this. I need to be honest with everyone. I've waited long enough. Spotlight. A spotlight shines on tone. I have AIDS. We're good on the spotlight. The lighting returns to normal as the rock monster from Fantastic Four strikes a sad tune. Obviously you. No. Okay, what the fuck? Sex man, you're seeing this one. John, these playshed keys. Take it, red man. Wait, you have AIDS? I think you're playing yourself in this. By the way. Yeah, it's... It's stage four. When it's stage four, you turn red. There has to be a cure. Maybe Joe Rogan has a supplement for it. Tone shushes red band by gently pressing a single finger to red band's lips. I already tried, elk piss. Look. Go on tone, there's a lot to get through. We knew my promiscuous gay lifestyle would catch up to me sometime. You have to let me go and you have to host this show. I don't think I'm ready, Tony. Don't think red band, just do. The music subsides as a drum roll begins. Red band... Oh, quietly. Red band takes a deep breath, preparing to deliver one of the funniest riffs in the show's history. Three, two, one. Oh, God, Tony, if you have AIDS, then why does it taste like you have so much more? Never mind, Tim. It bombs really hard. Yes. Never mind, Timmy, you host the show. Tone stands, clutches his hands together, and does that weird little thing where he shakes it on either side. Then he leaves behind the curtain. Timmy takes his spot. This is Kill Timmy. Heidi, let's get a basket of garlic bread for the table. Heidi enters. Over, overcome with desire, she goes down on Timmy. Timmy comes. Okay. Whoa, whoa. All right, we're good on Heidi. See, we go back to the bucket. You know, I got a better idea. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the, take it from the top. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage is without a doubt going to have the best minute in the show's history. The combination of words and sounds coming out of his face will change comedy forever. There is absolutely no way he won't live up to the hype I am building for him right now. He has only appeared on this show 741 times. He is the rooster of Rwanda, the Bermuda buff boy, the Napoleon of Complex. Some people are saying the next big thing, this is Tony's Clip. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Tony is the one who is going to be the best. Well, uh, man, these lights sure are bright. How we doing, Kill Tony audience? Not so easy, is it, bitch? It was very easy, that was a minute for me. Okay, let's start the interview. Tony, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Oh, this is improvised. I've been doing it 18 and a half years. 18 and a half years. Yeah, I started at the comedy store. Okay. I moved here five years ago. So, 18 and a half years, Tony. Okay, let's, um, let's do this. I want to hear your best joke in 18 and a half years. No pressure, Tony. Wow. Let's just see your best joke. I'm so glad you asked, Timmy, and let me tell you what you've built here is absolutely incredible. I got to say, the opportunities that you give people. Here's a small joke book. And that's how you catch a small joke book. We can go all day. Okay, Dee, hey, you're lying. You have the final lying, Dee. Oh, shit. This thing is completely improvised. I had no idea you were going to do this. And I had to pee so fucking bad that I went pee. And while I was doing it, I actually read that you did write D-Madness's part out. Is it okay? Can I read that? Yeah, I forgot. Dee doesn't know how to read. Yeah, you can take it, Tony. You can take it. And I mean, it's real. It says D-Madness. You see that? Say, dig it, cats. I'm about to piss my drawers, you feel me? Need a righteous brother to haul my black ass to the john. Quick like, ah, shit, too late. Done baptized my britches. Eight-hone, sceptic, elk piss, might cure the AIDS. You dig? Ha, just jiving slim type shit. And scene, okay. Simeon O'Brien. Good night, New Jersey! Simeon, motherfucking no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, he told me, all he told me is that he was going to try something crazy tonight. And the fucking kid is unbelievable. I mean, he's the greatest thing in the world. That guy just kills me. He's so great. I've never seen anything like it. Full command, full control. You agree? Yeah. And that's exactly how I felt about him since the first time I saw him. You know, a lot of people are like, ah, he sounds like Dice. He's doing Dice. But it's like, that's totally different. He's doing a retarded version of Dice. Yeah, and in control. Somehow more even confident version, a super controller of everything. Light sound and elements. He's doing fun of all show business. Yes. Which is just so original and so great. I mean, when I saw that guy, I told my son, Jake, I go, why am I not married to that fucker? You know. You're exactly right. He's making fun of show business. Yeah, and he's genius. He's genius level. One of my favorite things I've ever seen him do is at Madison Square Garden, I want to pop open the roof. I want the natural moonlight for this. I know, it's so genius. Nobody's ever gone to that level. Exactly. Anti, it's like Andy Kaufman shit. Exactly. I mean, you guys are so lucky that we got to be here with you. It's amazing. This show is corny as it sounds. We are lucky because the people that really think or that are, you know, that talented to be the next thing. I mean, you know, cams on fucking SNL every week. And he's the reason why people are watching, you know, a lot of people are watching that show and whatnot, pulling out the rock and everything, you know, it's a whole thing. How about one more time for Timmy No Bricks? All right, we're going deep into this episode right now. It's a long one, but we're having fun. What time do we start? Okay, we're going to meet this person. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for second coming. Is that right? Second Koonaming. All right, here we go. Hello world. If one of you guys get abducted and asked for your leader, come to me. My name is Adam Dyes and I am the second coming. Second, if you break it down, say, con D, kind of sounds like somebody deceiving somebody about the size of their dick. But really we know second is really second because the second, you know, measure in an hour, there's a minute and there's a second. So when somebody says it's going to take a second, it's implied it's going to be more than one always. Kind of like what I told my kids I'd be back in a second. Now I'm in my second week in Austin fucking off with y'all. Shit. And my second year away from them. I remember way back when I was seconds into a sexual session with my ex and she was like pull out, pull out, pull out. And I was like in a second, now we have a second child. I should have about what, 17, oh that's a minute. You thought you had four year time. I'm going to cut you off. You thought you had 17 seconds left there? You're a little fucked up? Oh with time. I thought you did pretty good, bro. Thank you, Pauli Shore. Yeah, I'm the only one I think that got her, which is important. Good, good. This is good. We could talk after the show. Right, I appreciate it. Let me ask you something. Yes, sir. When you say you're a little fucked up with time, what do you mean exactly? Oh, I guess I was off 17 seconds in this particular case. Yes. So have you practiced that or something? I thought I timed it a little, yeah, I guess my time was a little off. Your time's a little off. Interesting. What were you going to do with the last 17 seconds? I was going to say some bullshit and ask the panel and tell a real joke. I was going to say a bunch of horse shit actually, so it worked out. Have you been doing stand-up comedy? No, this is like maybe 50, 60 sets over the last year and a half give or take. Okay, so you've been doing it for a year and a half. A little bit. You're an interesting creature. Right you are. Okay, what do you do for work? I recently got fired from a restaurant chain. Okay. In Wisconsin. What's the chain? I'm allowed to say it like that? Yeah, if you don't currently work there. I used to be a Chili's head, I was at Chili's. Okay, you were working there. Line cook, head chef. You know what, they put me on the fucking floor toning. A waiter? I waited tables at 42 years old. Okay, alright, I don't think the age really has anything to do with that. It's probably the best job at it Chili's. They probably make more than the GM and whatnot. Okay, so what did you get fired for? Having greasy hair? Yeah, they started letting me bartend. I served an under-ager. What's crazy is I carted the person. I looked at the date and I thought it was the date under 21, one issue. So if anyone was looking for bartender available, it was actually a date issue date. It was so close and it just kind of made, I guess my math was a little off, Tony. Oh wow, so literally anybody could have drank at that bar with a Wisconsin ID because the date issue date would always be before the actual date. Your four-year soul. Fuck, tries to underage drink at Chili's. Anybody. You guys go to... Anybody trying would try there. You texted nights that are a lot cooler on mine or Ohio ends, excuse me. Okay. Right now. Do you still live in Wisconsin? I do, I do. And what are you doing now? What's your next big plan? Well, I had decided to come down here for a couple weeks and try to get on. Thank you for the opportunity, everybody, like holy fucking cow. I'm here now and I'm going to go back and try to get a job at the, not as a bartender, at the improv place in Brookfield. I was going to simultaneously practice dealing. I'm really proficient in cards and things of that sort. Brookfield? Yeah. Adam Ray just, just, uh, was there recently? Poor guy. The late great Adam Ray. He died in Brookfield that night. No, I'm kidding. Adam's thriving. Um, okay, well, before I let you go, what's the craziest thing about your life that you've ever seen or done? If you look like a guy that likes hiding under people's beds and scaring them? I've saved seven people's lives. I mean, usually I ask you something. Let me guess, you were a lifeguard at Jesse Jackson's birthday party. I was on 50 cent called you. Ambulance rider for sure. Yeah, no. Um, just right place, right time, Tony. Like what? Give us an example of where you, when I was 15 years old, I saved two children that fell through the ice and risked my life in doing so. Um, it was a cool moment. Where did they fall through the ice at? It was a McCarty Park Lagoon in West Dallas, Wisconsin. Latinos. Right. Where they were. Where they were. Where they Latinos? I, I, ice has been taking out a lot of Latinos. All right. Okay. This is a long show. We're going to keep it moving. There goes, uh, what, what is your actual name? My name is Adam dies. Adam dies. Well, there you go. And you did. Oh, Roseanne Barr, batting a thousand, unbelievable, the queen, like, fucking, execution of Roseanne tonight. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it's been. I mean, holy shit, absolutely incredible. Who could forget the first comedian that came out here, absolutely bombing tonight, goes by the name of Pauley Shore ladies, which I've never come so far. One of my best friends were sauna buddies, we're cold plunge buddies, I'm friends with his dog Buster, I've been friends with him for 18 and a half years, I worship his mother, the late great Mitzi Shore who got all of our careers started. All of our careers except Red Band. She never started Red Band's career. I thought I've laid my heart out for you this evening. Absolutely. I thought, and that's all I can do, you know what I mean, I don't have the best jokes, but I have my heart and that's what's gotten me where I've gotten, so I love you. That's true, I love you. Brought to you by Blue Choo and Zipper Cruder, those are the actual sponsors, and we've had so much fun, Somehow she has, now after this last couple hours, she is without a doubt making her own running for guest of the year 2025. How about one more time for Roseanne Barr? The Roseanne Barr podcast is out. Everything Roseanne Barr, follow her, worship her, bend the knee when you see her. But where can we go from here? There's only one place to go. And that is with the all time record setting at the Hall of Fame Regular. A man who created writing on note cards. The Strangler of Memphis, the Gorilla of Vanilla. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. I saw earlier today, red band has a new bumper sticker that says, I'd rather be hijacking, United 93. Dude, what does that even fucking mean, red band? That's the airplane that went into the ground, that's such a weird fucking bumper sticker, dude. I have to say, I have to say, I have to say, I have to say, I have to say, I have to say, You know why the Pony Express failed? The horses formed a union. ... Did y'all see that Dateline episode, where a prominent housewife was murdered and the husband was having an affair for once? I want to watch an episode where nobody dies and everybody lives happily ever after. Dateline, I don't see anybody going on no dates! ... ... ... Wilp, I got locked in the Abercrombie and Fitch store again! Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Montgomery. Still got that little puppy cut. Still got the puppy cut, Tony. And I'm actually really excited. My favorite video game, there's now a Ghost of Yote. It's the second one of Ghost of Tsushima. Tony, I've been having a wonderful time playing that. Wow, tell us what I... I put 75 hours into it the past five days. Whoa, that's a lot. 75 hours in five days, Tony. I've been rowing a bunch of the row machine and then playing that. Now I have a horrible knot in my back. Wow! Oh, my goodness gracious. So tell us what exactly happens in that video game. I don't play video games. I'm a Japanese lady, and I roam around the countryside of Japan, and I've been killing a lot of people, and I get different weapons to upgrade, and it's just such a wonderful time. So you're a wonderful... In this game, you're a Japanese woman. What's your name? A Japanese lady? Yote. Yote. Yeah, Yote. And then I can change her outfit all the time. So I'm constantly changing her outfit for different scenarios. Incredible. I've attacked different people. I wear different outfits. You get to just... Amazing. You get to play make-believe just like Phoenix Provocateur. Yeah. Always... Aww. I'll look at everybody. Aww. Bunch of fucking Texans in here like, Aww. How could you? It's a joke. Tony, that bitch was kind of hot. I didn't hear anything. The volume was off on the television, so I heard nothing that was said, but yes, she was pretty attractive. Wow. Okay. Pfft. I'm kidding. The volume was off on the television. What do you mean? I mean, I couldn't hear what y'all were saying, so I... Oh, in the green room. Yeah, I just saw the pretty lady on the stage. I couldn't tell what was being said. All right. Well, that's good. It's good to know that they're shutting off the volume in the green room. Who would want to pay attention to the show at all? Why would you want to know? The fucking clown dude up there, he's a real nightmare up there. He literally turned the volume off. Really? Seriously, and I didn't even know what accent he was using, but he was using an accent. I could think he's from England or something. He's up there, so I'm like, dude, I want to watch the show. I've been on it for a long time. Let me watch the show. And he's like, no, not tonight. Wow. Seriously, and he looks like a scary fucking clown. So it's like horrifying. I hate it up there. Please tell him he can't be up there again. I wanted to watch it. It was looking like every, it looked like Demi Nobrang said a wonderful said. It's like, I can't hear any of it. Seriously. It's insane. I've never thought about even asking you about this before. You always close the show. You always are on the show. You're the hardest working man in the history of Kiltoni, except for me, and especially much harder working than Red Band. Who's he texting right now? He's on the phone. That's real rude, dumbass. What are you doing? It's, he's texting Postmates right now. He's putting in his order. But I've never thought about having the green room report from you because you do get here a bit early. What else goes on in that green room, William? What else drives you crazy about that green room? Oh my gosh, Tony. Well, it's weird. Liz Splat is up there tonight with somebody's fucking dog. I don't know who's fucking dog it is, but there's some big, is that your dog? Yeah, that's my dog. God, your dog is really bad, Paulie. It is shitting all on the floors up there. Wow. There's fucking slimes everywhere. He's shitting all over the stage out here. So like father, like son. What? What? What? Liz doesn't even have the dog anymore. The clown took the dog outside, Paulie. Fuck up, are you serious? The dog is this. It's like it's on my shorts. And then you took your dog out back. What did he do with the dog? I don't know, I wasn't with it. I didn't walk with his fucking ass to the alleyway. Don't bring him to Hans Kim, bro. That wouldn't be cool. Well, Hans is not. Yeah. Well, Hans is up there right now. First of all, why the fuck didn't you text me back when I asked you to open for me and I got fucking Hans instead, bro? This weekend, you'd fucking, that's the word on the street. I was playing that video game, I'm sorry. I was wondering if you were gonna bring that up. It was very rude of me. I did not respond to his message. I was all right. He's too much of a star now. Dude, he was not that. I've just literally, I've been playing that video game and I saw that you're texting, I'm in the middle of like changing your outfit up and I'm like, ah, can I get to this later? I just like you so much and I'm so happy for you. Look how good he looks. He lost all the weight from Ozepic. Yeah. I am the Ozepic poster child. It's been wonderful. I actually use Manjaro. Rosanne Barr, the queen of comedy, one of the all-time goats of the art form. You've seen this show, you've seen William multiple times. What do you think of him? I love William. He's one of my very favorite comics. You are so funny and unpredictable, wild. I've never seen nothing like you before in my life and you have the best fucking pot in the whole goddamn world. Yeah, we need to spoke later. Rosanne, I'm gonna be honest with you. I was heartbroken. One time you texted me to bring you a joint and I brought you a joint and I left it in the mailbox and I was maybe hoping that we'd be able to smoke together but I was looking through the fence for a while and I was thinking, yeah, this is weird and then I left. But I remember, I was thinking, oh my gosh. I didn't know you wanted to come in and smoke with me. Well, I should have been explicit about it. We should have said, you said I'll just drive it by and leave it in the mailbox. So I thought, oh, he doesn't wanna come in and get high with some old bat. Well, next time I'll respond differently. I messed up. Yeah, you should have said I'll drop by and come in and smoke it with you but you said I'll just drop it off. And I thought, great, cause I hate people. Anyway, I didn't wanna really hang out or any of that shit. I was just in my adult diaper laying there. But I love you and I love your pot. I love your comedy. Let's smoke tonight. I have a joint in my pocket right now. Fucking A, bitches! Let's go. But I love your comedy and you know it. You fucking crack me up. Where you go places that only the, I don't know, crazy people can go. And I love that. It is true. I love him. Me too. He's a wild boy. Paulie Shore. Yeah, so the whole thing is pretty fucking cool with Tony's doing here. And in reality, he's giving people breaks. He came from the streets. Just like, no, he was outside fucking homeless for a while. And now look at him. All the guys, Hans, John, all the people are doing. Who's John? Who's been homeless? Who the fuck is John? John? I meant to say, Ari Matty. Okay. I'm just saying that you've done this. It's such a beautiful thing. You opened for me one time in San Antonio and you had just done this and I'm like, you gotta get off your notes, remember? And he used to just always do his notes and then he finally got rid of his notes. And he start featuring. Your headlining everywhere now and it's beautiful. So I love to see it. Beautiful, yeah, for real. Yeah. Yeah. William, I mean, what an amazing, amazing time we always have and it's incredible to watch your amazing expansion through the Kill Tony universe. What are some of your favorite outfits to change into in this female role-playing video game? Oh my gosh, Tony. I think we're gonna rattle some off for us. There's this one where it looks like a ghost mask. Wow, what else? That's probably my favorite. Yeah. Ghost mask. What are some of your least favorite ones? Okay, so nice to be here tonight, Tony. Oh, okay. I can't think of the, it's all Japanese. You can literally just say anything. Say one mellow one so the horn players can do their sad thing that everybody loves and then we'll do one more where it's a big one and then I'll end the fucking show. We do this every goddamn week. There's an unbelievable clear method. Okay, yeah, just do the thing. There's like this, just do the thing. Oh, what are you, red bear? Sure, okay. There's like a green shirt I like to wear. But then also one that looks like a samurai outfit. Wow, he's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The great William lights out Montgomery. What a fun fucking night it's been. The drawing from Ryan Jay about his end. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew. Oh, old school Pauly vintage Pauly short. He's gonna be selling that probably autographed after the show down in the lobby. There's a bunch of cool kill Tony merch down there. New Year's Eve still has a couple tickets at the Moody Center and a bunch of other. I'm doing a couple of fun gigs that stand up. TonyHinchCliff.com. Rosanne Bar has the Rosanne Bar podcast and so many amazing things. If you're not following Rosanne on Twitter and Instagram, your feed is boring. One of the most compelling, interesting, powerful, hilarious women on planet earth. How loud can this place get? One more time for Rosanne Bar. Pauly's on tour, Paulyshore.com. He's playing Richard Simmons in a movie next year. He's got his podcast, Random Rance. How about one more time for the son of Mitzi, a man who bleeds black and red of the comedy store, the Great Pauly Shore. This episode brought to you by Blu-Chu and Zip Recruiter Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. High-HitZ! The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.