Episode 654: Topsy the Elephant

There's no place to escape to. This is the last. On the left. Right from your blade. That's when the cannibalism started. Who's that? I don't care if I run into Alec Murdoch. No, no, no, no. Because if you have, if you do, that means you've committed murder in South Carolina. Hey, hopefully. Or you're visiting. You're saying hi. You're saying hi. Either or. Thanks for the content. If you're in town. Are you guys ready? Ready. So should I not do any of my crow or raven characters in this? No. No, no, no. So we'll put all those out. Well, maybe if you change the voice a little bit. Maybe if you use the Hong Kong Henry Saprowski voice. Oh, I didn't think that would work. But you're a crow. Oh, then that's fine. They'll all cancel each other out. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay, if you use one racist voice to replace another racist voice, maybe it can work out. 60. Yeah. That's 60. Yeah. And we are focusing more on Asian elephants than African elephants today. Wow, this is my cheese. Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with Henry Zebrowski, Wayne is Options. What have you come upon? What have you settled on? I'll tell you what, the next time you'll more likely see an elephant fly than you hear me do an Asian accent again into a microphone. I save it for my family now. I save it for my family, my dentist. Strictly by facts. My dentist loves it. God, he loves it. And today, Ed Larson, the man across from me, is the man with the script. This is an Ed-led episode. We're taking a bit of a break from the DuPont saga. And, Ed, what do you got for us today? I can't wait for this. This is going to be so much fun. Oh, no, that was just Ed. Ed's just trying to fit back into the chair. He got a drink. Elephants! Elephants! I love elephants. Today, the star of our show is going to be Topsy the Elephant, but we'll get into her a little bit later. But I wanted to tell you guys, you know me. I like these animals. You love these animals. You do love animals. Especially when they big. But elephants are some of the most interesting mammals on Earth. They're huge, brilliant, loyal, emotional, and most importantly, violent creatures. Yeah. Listen, I ain't no elephant biologist. So I ain't going to get lost in the weeds explaining to you how elephant trunks have over 150,000 muscle units and are the most sensitive organ found in any animal. But wait a second. It's the most sensitive organ. But what about the comedian's heart? Yes. I could go on and on about how elephants are considered one of the smartest animals on earth that have funerals and have been theorized to have telepathic abilities. What? I ain't gonna talk about that. I feel like this is now he's in his own elephant UFO territory. Once he starts the elephant telepathy tapes, and we're gonna have to cancel our tour. Yes, that is all very cool stuff, but this is the last podcast on the left, and we are here to talk about death. Sure. Yes, and we are not gonna discriminate. We're killing both elephants and humans today. Great. If you crave just raw elephant info, go listen to Elephant Tales or the Global Rumblings podcast. Are they real? Yeah, those are real podcasts that I decided to shout out for elephant facts. But you don't know anything about them. You don't know whether or not. They could all be murderers and rapists. Yeah, you can't vouch for the creators of those podcasts. No, I can't vouch for them, no, but they do talk about elephants scientifically a lot. Okay, and I know every single niche interest has 50 to 3,000 podcasts about it. So are these the two best elephant podcasts, or are these just two that you chose at random? Two of the top three results on Google. Absolutely not. And there's nothing corrupt in it. No, nothing at all. Today, I didn't use a particular book or documentary as a source. I just researched to the best of my ability about stories that intrigued me and found some even crazier ones along the way. So let's get this pachydermostomping in true Marcus Parks fashion with a little context. Yeah! Elephant context! Elephant context. That's right, man. It's big. Yep. Slide right in. Very similar to a human vagina. You can put your whole head in there. If you've got... Elephants can be found naturally in Asia and Africa. Africa has two types of elephants, bush and forest elephants, which can get as large as 13,000 pounds. In Africa, elephants are the third most deadly mammal after humans and hippos. In Africa, elephants kill about 500 people annually. Cool. But today, we're going to focus on Asian elephants. At about 8,000 pounds, Asian elephants are smaller than their African counterparts, but they are the elephants we're more familiar with as far as circus performers go. Yeah. Even though they could be 5,000 pounds smaller than African bush elephants, they are still extremely deadly. To help put their sheer size in perspective, a Honda CR-V weighs roughly 3,500 pounds. but to the CRV's credit it has great trunk space. Absolutely and it doesn't have spongy reactions this guy doesn't have horrible brakes like maybe aforementioned Toyota RAV4 and I feel that if a Toyota RAV4 and an elephant were to go against each other the elephant would win. The elephant would fucking destroy the RAV4 and the CRV. And hopefully and kill the driver and the passengers of the children. Happens often. Awesome. Eddie, could you give me a little bit more of a lean forward when you say trunk space? Trunk space. Thank you. CRV also has great trunk space. Thank you. More dumb jokes to come. I see. I was just more thinking about Toyota RAV4s and a field of them on fire and all of the people inside of them never being able to vote again. Amen. That's what we need to do. and actually should be starting about 35 minutes. Thank you. And, you know, the thing is about a smaller elephant is going to be, a smaller elephant is, I think, going to be more dangerous than a larger elephant. Maneuverable, you know, they still got tusks, and they're a little more angry. Yeah. I get it. Asian elephants are mostly found in India, Thailand, Nepal, and Sri Lanka. the smaller Asian elephant is responsible for as many as 750 deaths annually, 50% more than their African cousins. There are several subspecies of Asian elephants, and without getting too much into the genealogy weeds, we're going to be talking about Asian elephants as a whole. Now, that's not racist. Do not accuse me of being an elephant racist. There's nothing racist about this. I'm not a scientist. I'm just obsessed with huge living creatures killing humans. Yeah. And that makes you woke, I think. Yeah, I think so. I think it does. Disgusting. I at least told you there's a difference between the Asian and the African ones. Oh, we know. Yeah. Obviously, we know that humans have been killing, kidnapping, and torturing all animals, and especially elephants, ever since we figured out how to do so. When it comes to killing elephants for their ivory, that is much more popular in Africa than it is in Asia. And in a positive spin, those numbers are going way down. But they are extremely high still. How does it, like in the, like let's say the cutting off gorilla paws for, you know, to make medicine and such. Where are elephant tusks on that scale? It's much worse. Much worse. It's much, much worse. It's a horrible thing. You know, the exact number seems to be impossible to find. Current estimates suggest that up to 15,000 elephants are killed for their tusks and skin in Africa every year or 41 a day. In peak poaching years, that number was expected to be around 40,000. And that's when we were making like every piano was made with, you know, with elephant tusks. Honestly, back then it was probably worse than that. You know, 40,000. I'm talking like that's like the 70s. Gotcha. You think this is the speech that the 22 year olds have to hear from Leo before they're allowed to see the apartment? They have to. I'm sure that's about global warming. In Asia, those numbers are actually much lower at around 500 poached elephants a year. Why are the numbers of human deaths in Asia larger than Africa? Well, I think you could chalk a lot of that up to population density, especially when it comes to India. Also, Asian elephants are captured and trained more than they are hunted for their tusks. And so at a smaller size, they're also domesticated at higher rates, thus raising their numbers of interactions with humans. I find it interesting that in Asia, they poach so many elephants because I really prefer them sunny side up. It's better that way. God fucking damn it. It's a big pan. It's a big pan. Asian elephants mostly attack in two ways. Female elephants attack whenever they feel their young could be in danger. And male elephants are no one to attack when they're going through what is called must. Must. Must be said with a lisp. Must. It must be said. It must be said. It must be said. And in its simplest definition is when male elephants are in heat. Musts. Must. I hate that word, but it is what it is. You must say it again and again. Musts can last up to 16 weeks, and it is best to be nowhere near bull elephants during this time. Musts have been known in Asian elephants for over 3,000 years, but only recently in African elephants for some reason that I don't understand. Catching that fever. That catch in the fever is like the spread of HIV. You can tell an elephant is in moth when they are irritable with horniness and leaking a skunky smelling thick tar like substance called temporin from their four foot penises. So they get really irritable and angry and their dick starts dripping. That's a dude period. Yeah. That's a dude period y'all. And that shit ain't fair. And it smells like skunk and it's thick and it's tar. It's kind of like going to dinner with Ron Jeremy when the waitress isn't being attentive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want food! I want food! Can I have more napkins for my friend Ron? During months, male elephants' testosterone can be up to 100 times greater than usual. They randomly attack other animals, humans, other elephants, cars, or anything else that might piss off these randy behemoths. You know, that's pretty fucking amazing. You know, just the idea of just how horny these men are. They go out there. You got to really do it. Do we got to jerk these things off? In zoos, yeah. Yeah, in zoos, they absolutely have to do it. Another cause of human deaths by elephants are by what are called rogue elephants. Yeah, I bet, sugar. Rogue elephants are indeed rare, but real nevertheless. Rogue from the X-Men. Oh, I understand. Yeah, you bet, sugar. Don't touch them. I don't know where all these elephants come from. I gotta get my rogue costume. So one of my favorite rogue elephants was one that killed 27 people in the state of Assam in India from 2004 to 2006 until it was eventually tracked down, shot, and killed. Feared by locals, this rogue elephant was given the name Osama bin Laden. That's incredible that he was named that in India. Yeah. He's notorious. Yeah. I guess Pakistan, you know, right there. Yeah. They have neighbors. Yeah. During the final six months of his life, Osama bin Laden the elephant killed 14 people. Rogue elephants are not scared of much and can attack indiscriminately. Usually an elephant will be scared off by firecrackers, but bin Laden could give a fuck. Wonder why. Yeah, he seemed to really like him. Eventually, a hunting party was sent out to kill Osama bin Laden, and he was shot down by a team of men. but many believe that they killed the wrong elephant and bin Laden is still at large. Where's the fucking body? Yeah. Where's the fucking body? Probably in the Indian Ocean. Yeah. Did they dump this elephant in the ocean too without letting anyone look at it? I think they just left it in the field probably. I imagine. Rotted. It's interesting. A lot of these elephant news stories, not much detail. Yeah, they just kind of let it go. A couple things that lost in translation over multiple oceans. I get it, yeah. It's not like there's a New York Times elephant reporter who's really on the elephant beat. That's my fucking job. Yeah, it's true. Now, Osama bin Laden, or just Laden, is often a name given to murderous rogue elephants. The most recent rogue bin Laden is still on the loose as of January 18th, 2026. This rogue elephant killed 22 people in 10 days. He is believed to be currently in must. He must be. as well as being rogue and only has one tusk. Whoa, like Hitler. He has been killing people by trampling indiscriminately. Apparently, he killed four members of the same family. So if you happen to be in Chakhand, India, and see him, run and report him to India's SEAL Team 6. Maybe after he's caught, Henry will be able to read his Mammoth Festo. Funny, funny, funny stuff. My only thing is, I don't know what those seals are going to do against a giant, horny, raging elephant. That's a good point. Takes a man to shoot an elephant in the head. We'll never catch him, though. He's still on the loose. He's a regular Zoodiac killer. That's stupid. stupid there's also the incredible story of the elephant from the Odisha state of India which is what I'm guessing a rogue elephant or was another elephant fueled with muffs and temperate randomly killed an elderly woman named Maya Mermu Ms. Mermu who was collecting water from a well minding her own business and then out of nowhere this pachyderm escaped from a local sanctuary Something about Ms. Mermu pissed him off and he indiscriminately beat and stomped her to death. She was taken to a local hospital but then succumbed to her wombs there. Pretty straightforward elephant murder story, but here comes the fun twist. Then during a public funeral, that very same elephant came back and rampaged the funeral. Wow. picking up her dead body from the funeral pyre and slammed and trampled her body again for good measure. It simply then left and was never saw again. He must have hated her. I honestly want to know what she did. Well, I mean, I was going to ask you, because I recently watched a video on why raccoons can never be domesticated. And they say one of the reasons why is because raccoons are one of the few animals that have a concept of revenge. they don't forget. So if you fuck up with a dog the dog's not going to forget. Well that's just not going to care. But a raccoon will take revenge on you every time. Do elephants have a concept of revenge? You know elephants never forget or forgive. And honestly that's a big burden on an elephant. That's a big burden on the soul of an elephant. You should let go. You should learn to forgive. Move on. I thought that she had wronged because I knew this story before. We'd covered it in Roundtable forever ago. And I was just like, she must have done something wrong, but it just seems like the elephant wanted the water she had. It seems she was wrong place, wrong time. And that was the elephant's water. Was she hoarding resources from the elephant? It was a well. So I don't know how long this elephant's trunk was, but maybe he could have used her help. Maybe he saw her delicately balanced on the edge of the well. Maybe he saw a breeze Sort of blown through the village And had blown up in her I guess you'd say her ritual Garb You could see actually has a pair of brand new shiny Panty holes And maybe he thought Oh well I should go and Enter that woman You never know You never know Sometimes you do The cure We can say that there was no sexual attraction between the elephant and Miss Mermude. There's something sexual about being fascinated of the sheen of pantyhose. You love pantyhose. No, I just love its containings. Apparently, in history, every time an Asian elephant killed someone, it was not the elephant's own lust for murder, but until the early 20th century, some South Asian cultures used elephants as a form of execution. I didn't know about any of this shit. I actually didn't know about this either. And I'm a bit of a student of execution. This was not really seen often in Africa except around 240 BC in Carthage. But that's the story for another trunk. Execution by elephant seemed to be a tactic primarily seen in Burma, India, Thailand, and Sri Lanka. Each were similar in the basic fact that elephant big, human small, elephant crush human. It does! But let's not discredit all of them. Each had their own methods of torture and execution by way of elephant. Cool. Do you want to hear them? Yay! What are we here for? They stomped their balls. They stomped their head. They fucking ate their balls. They ate their head. Close. Wow. You know, I feel like it's also the same as how many executions were applied by horse. Oh, yes. Very much so. So I imagine that that, to be honest, I bet you that's a little bit even more humane. by elephant than by horse. Yeah, than being ripped apart by four wild horses. Or running in separate directions. Yeah. I'm going to tell you why it's not. Oh. Well, a lot of what we know about elephant executions comes from the captain's log of Alexander Hamilton. Not Alexander Hamilton the rapper. Oh, my favorite rapper. This Alexander Hamilton was captain for the wonderful East India Trading Company. Remember those, sweetheart? Yeah! Nutmeg! He wrote a book. The book was called A New Account of the East Indies, which now is very old. He had a couple entries where Hamilton talked about witnessing execution by elephant. Here is a quote from his book about the elephant execution he witnessed in Siam, currently referred to as Thailand. For treason and murder, the elephant is the executioner. The condemned person is made fast to a stake, driven into the ground for the purpose, and the elephant is brought to view him and goes twice or thrice around him. And when the elephant's keeper speaks to the monstrous executioner, he twines his trunk round the person in stake, and pulling the stake from the ground with great violence, tosses the man and the stake into the air, and in coming down, receives him on his teeth, and making him off again, puts one of his four feet on the carcass and squeezes it flat. You know, that's funny. Like, what if he doesn't catch him? Like, if he's going to throw him up, he doesn't catch him on the teeth, and he can just bounce off, I guess he can just throw him up again? Yeah, he just lands on the ground, and he does whatever he wants with him. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, I mean, he's still going to get hurt real bad before he dies. I always like this idea, too, that the sounds all organized and stuff, but it's really just like, This elephant just kills the fuck out of this guy. Yeah, yeah. It does boil down to elephant fuck up that guy. Yeah, yeah. And he just throws him over the air and stomps on his head. All right, check out this guy. In the early 1600s getting thrown to the elephant garden was a popular execution doled out by the very ruthless yet intriguing Emperor Changir Ooh Jahangir Jahangir, who many said would kill criminals by elephant for his own amusement. That's awesome! Elephant Garden fucking execution dome! It's the coolest fucking shit on the face of the fucking planet! That's what I want to do to the government. Well, I mean, at the end of the day, much execution is entertainment. At least it was for thousands upon thousands of years in humanity. So whether it's for the education of one man or the education of the masses, it must be remembered that execution was entertainment. Absolutely. It was for teaching lessons. Then why did people have picnics? Because they had a lot. Because it does you absorb while you're eating sandwiches. A little more ketchup, please. Well, Emperor John Aguirre loved... Jahangir. Jahangir. He ain't alive. He don't know. He's a fucking no. And if you're a fucking bootlicker for Empire fucking Jahangir, you can suck my fucking balls. So Emperor Jahangir loved elephants and had over 113,000 in captivity. 12,000 he used as battle elephants. 1,000 he kept just to fuck as battle elephants. And then 100,000 he used to, like, carry shit. Then, of course, he had a couple more that were highly trained for his public executions. That's his killing elephants. Absolutely. His favorite, I'm sure. Yeah. So since the emperor was such a connoisseur of elephants when it came to execution, he wasn't just a crush them and forget them type of dude. He got creative with it, attaching blades to the elephant's tusks and hooves. Elephants were then taught to rip people limb from limb with their sharpened armor. Like fucking Dino Wars. Dude, it's fucking crazy and terrifying, and I love it. Yeah, it's awesome. I just wonder what it's like to try it. If they don't want to go no more, that's the problem. The thing is, the elephants, because they were like, get rewarded, they liked it. Of course. From all reports, it seemed like the elephants were having fun. Oh, I bet. I bet. When someone was tossed to the elephant garden, there would be a trainer riding the elephant and command the elephant to kill the wretch. And the elephant would then pick the person up with their trunk, throw them in the air, and impale them on their tusks when they came down. The elephant would then cut the victim into pieces, throwing their limbs into the crowd watching. There was a splash zone? Yes. It is legend that sometimes Emperor Jonganir would... It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. ...would order the elephant to skin people alive. His staff would then stuff them with hay and feed them to dogs. So that's nice. For everyone but the dog. because he got all that hay in his mouth. Yeah, the dog thinks he's going to be eating a dude and he just gets hay. He gets some outside skin and then the hay is good for fiber. I didn't understand why you would stuff him with hay and then the dogs would eat him. It didn't make much sense to me. I think, again, we're just talking about fun. Yeah. We're just talking about why do people do anything? Yeah. You know what I mean? Why does Bob Dylan do the fun thing when he used to put a cigarette in the frets of his guitar? It's fun to do. It looks cool. It does look cool. I also don't know if the elephants knew how to skin a man alive. Well, apparently their hooves had like sharpened points on it and they would like skin the people. I don't think it was done expertly. I don't think you could make them into like fine jackets. It wasn't expertly, but they are surprisingly nimble with their trunks. And like if you remember Tillicum, he was able to fucking pull out one testicle from that guy's balls. So, you know, these big animals, you never know what they're able to do. You really never know. if you remember in our saints episode we talked about torture on the wheel oh yeah you know that's where they would strap you to a wheel break your bones be bad well in the 1810s india there was a report of something similar to the wheel but with an elephant you see in this instance the elephant wasn't just the executioner but the torturer as well the elephant was trained to inflict the most pain possible, all whilst not killing the victim. Elephants were so smart they could comprehend where and when to step on a person while inflicting the most pain, and then when told to finish the person off, it would then step on their organs or their head, was placed on a stump, and the elephant would crush it with glee until there was nothing left. I mean, again, if anybody could love their job as much as an elephant loved being an executioner, the whole world would be better. I mean, at this point, like, is there I can't think of any other animal that is trained in the ways of humanity this much, like it's trained to kill and not just kill, but to torture and enjoy it. That's incredible. I will say probably the closest you'd put to it is dogs. You'd probably dogs like police dogs, hunting dogs that are literally designed over time to bite the fuck out of you. And dogs also have such extreme fine control over their mouths, which is why it's such a significant question when you get bit by a dog is if they broke the skin or not. Because that really shows the very distinct difference between an unhinged dog and a not hinged. Because they actually can control whether or not they're going to break your skin. Yeah, but is the dog trained for torture? Because this is so beautiful. Oh, I'll train a dog for torture. Usually dogs are just trained to eat and attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never heard of a dog being trained for torture. I mean, I could carve, he goes, if there's a sound, if there's a, you know, that's torture. Yeah, I suppose so. But, I mean, this is something incredible. Because you can't train, you can't train like a chimp to do this. If you give me ten chihuahuas, I'll break a man's mind. I bet you could train a chimp to do this. A young chimp. A young chimp, yeah. Because, you know, at one point, chimps stop listening to you. Yeah, don't rip your fucking tits off. Don't rip your eyeballs out. A lot of elephants are stolen from the wild at like an adult age and are trained at an adult age. They're easily not easily, but they can be manipulated. They are very smart, though. One of the smartest mammals in the world. And they have 11 pound brains, which is one of the biggest. Yeah. Which is pretty cool stuff. It's a lot of jelly. Yeah. There is the story of a slave that killed his master and was sentenced to death by elephant. They laid him on the ground and tied three ropes to his legs and arm. And then those ropes were tied to a ring on the elephant's hind leg. He then walked across a 500-yard field over the course of an hour. Every couple of steps the elephant took, it would dislocate his limbs from hip or shoulder. His elbows and his knees came out of socket while he was very much awake for the entire process. By the end of the march, the man was covered head to toe in mud and was screaming in unspeakable pain. Well, that's not unspeakable pain. I have a true mind of a sultan. Yes, he was screaming in pain. Because he was saying the word, ow, very loudly. You're right. Think about this for a second. Ow. But he was then put out of his misery when the elephant was instructed to step on his head until it was soup. Yeah. Eventually, in the late 19th century, this form of execution ended in India and Sri Lanka, only when the British found it to be too cruel. yeah when the British are telling you to calm down in this time period in the late 19th century yeah you're going pretty far you're going very very far well I I believe perhaps the elephant is a bit far my question is aren't elephants cute no such thing with these wonderful cute animals and also you can just shoot him shoot him in the head no fuss I do like how you make them slaves That's quite enjoyable for me And how wonderful it would be to outfit Some human slaves with giant Mandibles in order to Nact my revenge upon others Oh now I'm saying Inside thoughts Well elephants they weren't just Executioners they were also famously Used in war almost as like Giant living tanks Yeah. This is something that had been done as early as 6th century B.C. Elephants have been used in war by many countries, basically until cannons were invented. Yeah. Famously, Alexander the Great had to fight an army of elephants in India during the Battle of Hidespis against King Porus of India. King Porus, he had an army of about 100 elephants, which scared the shit out of Alexander's men because most of them had not seen or even heard of the concept of elephants. Yeah. And then they're just on a battlefield and they're coming at you. Then you can kind of see, like, when you look at, like, any depictions of this, you can kind of see what Peter Jackson and all those guys did. With the olifogs. Oh, yeah. Like, you start to look and imagine that you've never seen an elephant, although you've had his horses. They're seeing these giant horses with blades in their mouth. And a gigantic dick at the front of their face. It's a dinosaur. It's like having a dinosaur army. Yeah, but incredibly intelligent. Yeah. Somehow, Alexander the Great still won the battle, but love the elephants. Dude was like, yo, I will fucking kill people with elephants too. That shit, yo. That shit, stop your body in my dick, little boy. that shit was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my godforsaken life well regardless of his sexual I think Alexander the Great is fine I can call him a pedophile you can say whatever you want to him I think so great let me put it did Alexander the Great ask for sex let me ask let me ask Alexander the Great what does Kukulei say let me see what it says let me see what it says here oh so he's not interested no well he started using the elephants himself and eventually they became sort of like a mascot of his yeah you can uh watch that shitty oliver stone movie they're in there i'm pretty sure they were the producers the war elephant concept started evolving especially after the invention of gunpowder eventually they started covering them in armor and placed archers and musketeers on top of them. But once muskets evolved into cannons, bombs, and machine guns, elephants were in great use in battle, big targets and such. Yeah. But they never stopped being used in an auxiliary role, pulling heavy equipment, building bridges, launching ships, and even in World War II were used to perform tasks in regions that were problematic for motor vehicles. They couldn't get in there, so they'd have an elephant get in there and pull something out, you know? Oh, God, and those elephants had no idea they were working for the goddamn Nazis, man. I think they're on our side. Are they both? I'm pretty sure the elephants were ours. You said Rommel didn't do anything with elephants? I don't think the Germans ever did anything with elephants. Could I be scared of them? Yeah. I would imagine if there was something like the elephants, I would imagine that would probably have been an Indian thing, like from India, which, of course, India at the time was a British colony, and the British were allies. I would imagine anything elephant-wise was us. Actually, the allies were pretty good about it. Like we had Wojciech the bear. Yeah, I remember. The Polish had the bear. Like, yeah, we used a lot of animals. That's fucking awesome. The Italians used fish. Useless. I can't believe it. We never used our own fish on a Friday. That's way the first time. I mean, who? Up in the land on a fish, you use it for a job. If you want to stop at the events in America, what you need is a good branzino. You need a good branzino. A little osbucco. A little osbucco. eventually elephants were ultimately taken out of an auxiliary role because their ivory was worth more money to the armies than they were worth the trouble so eventually war elephants are officially phased out and apparently also that's what one of the major things that when we didn't cover this in our himler series was that the polish had diamonds in their bellies which was a no one knew. I said they had to do one of the worst things. He's the news to get out. Now, honestly, to sit here and tell you every insane story involving an elephant could take years. But one story that always fascinated me was the story of Topsy the Elephant. Now, Topsy, in short, was a show elephant that died in a public execution in Coney Island. But when you dig a little deeper, her story is utterly fascinating. But also remember, she was a legendary elephant that was killed in 1903. So in my research, I did find some inconsistencies. Thus, I'm going to tell you her story as accurately as possible. I mean, I know like true crime journalism is hard to find a really accurate shit. I can't even imagine how hard it is to find accurate shit with animal true crime journalism. Yeah, elephant. Tragic history. Yeah, 1903. We know the journalism was right on point. It was good and yellow. I'm so happy we're finally telling this story. I've also found the story of Topsy the Elephant just fascinating for years and years. So Topsy was stolen as a calf in 1875 from the wild in Southeast Asia. She was smuggled by boat and land over the course of months to Hamburg, Germany. in germany she was acquired by carl hagenbeck who was the jeffrey epstein of exotic animals in the late 19th century yeah using this a series of compromat in order to like you know you'd you'd set up a circus tent you'd have a guy fuck a bunch of rabbits or whatever and then we'd film it you know honestly without the film part of it i think so uh i wouldn't put it past him hagenbeck started trading wild animals at the age of 14 when his father gifted him some seals and a polar bear. Gifted him? Yes. He was different then, man. Here, son, take some seals to the polar bear. Make something of yourself. All right, well, first things first, try to put them together on a boat. Was his father a mental patient? No, he was. He was like, here you go. I'm a toucan. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe the seals were food for the polar bear. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. He captured animals from every corner of the world, but ended up under controversy when he built his human zoos. Yes. Which were very popular across the Western world for a very long time. I think there were only two countries in Europe that did not have human zoos. They were everywhere, apparently. In the 1870s, Hagenbeck's human zoos could be found in Hamburg, Paris, London, Milan, New York City, Chicago, and more. Hagenbeck wasn't the only person who owned a human zoo, but his were, for lack of a better description the best ones? Let's say the most popular ones. The nicest ones. I would say the ones that had the best set design. Oh, wow. It's like if you went to Buchenwald and you're like, you know what I love about here? The palette. It's the color palette. I love it. Buchenwald, I can see the fall colors. Having gone to both Auschwitz and Birkenau, Auschwitz is much nicer. Wow. It's far, far nicer. Oh, that's good to hear. They worked really hard on that. We'll see how the new ones are going to be. Anyway. As long as they have Buck Hunter, I'm fine. The United States government is purchasing dozens upon dozens of warehouses, far more that can fit the supposed immigrant population. What are they doing with it? Look into it, please. At least we know they're super bad at constructing things. So at least we know that. Yeah. Well, Hagenbeck's human zoos, the reason I called them the best ones or the best art direction is he would try to recreate the natural habitat along with the housing and the animals accurate to their part of the world. Yeah, I put a cup of ice in there. That Eskimo's loving it. He's loving it. He's playing with that ice cube like a childhood toy. Again, unfortunately, not far off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's loving it. I'm making seal noises. It's like he's home. I mean, this really wasn't all that far off from guys here in America. P.T. Barnum was a slave owner. Yes, they had these in Coney Island as well. Yeah. For sure. But P.T. Barnum did actually, he owned a woman that claimed to be George Washington's nanny. And yeah, he actually purchased her and then put her at the Dime Museum in New York City. So he was a full-on slave owner. So you should just sit there and wave at people, essentially. The little I learned about P.T. Barnum would be a great episode. Yeah. No, it's on the docket, my friend. Trust me. He's quite the entertainer. Well, Hagenbeck's Nubian and Inuit exhibits were by far his most popular. Hagenbeck sold people and animals worldwide to everyone who would possibly need them. Need? Yeah, want. Oh, hey, hey, hey. Demento, what are you doing? Look at your hierarchy of needs. For me, it's Jack Daniels, human zoos. I love to hear the cries of the innocent. Number one, strangely, eggnog. Eggnog, you gotta have it. At the top. It's just a way to get nutmeg in me. To bring it all back around. Well, Hagenbeck, just so you know, in 1913 was bit by one of his boom-slaying snakes and died. When a boom-slaying snake poisons you, it's said that it has to chew its venom into you instead of just a quick bite. Wow. The venom then creates small clots in the bloodstream and makes your brain bleed. So fuck that dead motherfucker. Yeah. A horrible death for a horrible man. Yeah. I think it's nice. It's nice when it happens like that. Yeah. I always look, I looked up every person to see how they died. And he was the only one that really had a good heart. Yeah. Hagenbeck, you know, Topsy, of course. Hagenbeck sold Topsy to Adam Fourpaw of the Fourpaw Circus, who falsely billed her as the first elephant born in America. This was a brilliant idea as it was to take away from Barnum and Bailey's impressive roster of huge elephants, which included both African and Asian elephants. So Mr. Fourpaw named her Topsy after the slave girl from Uncle Tom's Cabin and tried to make her a star. Wow. Yes. I actually didn't know that. Good old horrible facts. Just a cute name with no kind of nefarious background at all. I can tell you something nice about an elephant name. For sure. Yeah, is that P.T. Barnum's elephant, Jumbo, is where we get the word Jumbo. Is that Jumbo was not named because Jumbo was a word for huge. Jumbo became a word for huge after Barnum's elephant. Yeah, Jumbo, also horrible death. Not going to get into it, but we will talk about Jumbo too. Very good. The first elephant born in America seemed to be a hit at first. But when Hagenbeck saw this, he told P.T. Barnum that Fourpaw was full of shit. And Barnum exposed him for being a liar. And then he changed her title to Topsy, the first elephant to be born outside of a tropical zone. Doesn't really have the same ring. Yeah, it doesn't mean anything. It's just an elephant. What the hell's a topical zone? I know it's not that it was born outside of it. because of that alfalfa. Get me a mosquito. Bye. Still a lie. Yeah, still a lie. I wanted to see an American elephant. That elephant ain't good unless it's American. Well, the only American elephant we're going to give you access to is, I guess, President Taft. Well, Topsy started getting a reputation as a bad elephant. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It is unclear whether she killed or badly injured two four-paw circus workers in Paris and Waco, Texas. Paris, Texas? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, Paris. They're not taking her all the way the fuck across, back over the ocean. I forget about Paris, Texas. I forget people could get there. They understand. They understand. Yeah. But she done fucked them up, by the way. That's for damn sure. Her most infamous story came May 27th, 1902 in Brooklyn, New York. A drunken spectator named James Fielding Blount supposedly snuck under the canvas into the elephant tent and began taunting the elephants chained up in a line to their post. Mr. Blount apparently tried to get the elephants to drink his whiskey. You're too good for it? And then when they refused, he began swearing at them. You're too good for it, huh? When he arrived at Topsy, he became more physically abusive, throwing sand in her eyes and then tricking her into taking his lit cigarette in her trunk and eating it. Topsy then picked up Blunt with her trunk, slammed it to the ground, and headbutted him to death. Others say that she killed him with her knees, but I like headbutt to death. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I also like it if maybe shredding him Yeah Yeah Well I don know If he gets killed with the knee a headbutt that more of like an instant death like getting kicked by a mule Crushed to death by its knees that a slower death It might be slower. Yeah. The image of just like, boom. It's funny. Well, now, if possible, I have written a dramatic monologue from the perspective of James Fielding Blount, which will be performed by Wolf of Wall Street's own Henry Zebrowski. Please. Fuck you, Klein. Fuck your old fucking clown family I hope they'll die in a tiny car fire Die all at once All they'll fucking die together Mother fucking dies on top of her fucking father You're a clown You fucking clown Betty hates his stupid fucking life No, you never worked a trapeze, you clown You fat, dumbass clown Can't balance Secret of trapeze artists I gotta take a trap piss God damn it, Blount You're the funniest goddamn fucker You should be a shit ass ringmaster. Here we go. Pissing on the tent. Pissing on the tent. My name is Jimmy. I'm pissing on the tent. This tent smells like sheep's head brothel. I've been down there. There you will. Maybe it's me. Maybe I did that. Wait a second. That sting ate my pee-pee. My pee-pee don't smell like that. Oh, that's my sex. That's sticking on me. Hey, my pee-pee. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, whoa. That's ready to keep the big doggies. Oh, I want to drink with the big doggies. Where's the freaking door in this tennis west soft-ass fucking building? Knock, knock. Give me some. Come on out. Wherever you are, you fucking big old dog. You're a big dog. You're a big fucking dog. Let me just slip under the slit. Looking up a nun's skirt. Looking up a nun's skirt. Whoa! Here's your big doggies. Whoa! Rawr, rawr, rawr! I don't drink with the big doggie. I don't drink with the big doggie. Where's the frickin' door in this guy? Whoa! Here, you drink your drink and let old Jimmy Blount give you a whistle. Take it. Take it. Take it. You're a stupid dog. Big ears and shitty nose. Why do you remember? Oh, look at that one. It's a lady. I can tell because the penis goes in. Hi there, sweetheart. You want to drink with me? No lady ever says no. Big girl never stopped. Ow! Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! Ow! These fucking bitches are shooting old Jimmy. Ow! You fucking bitch! Well, Jimmy don't like being shot down. You can take over that. Right? You want something, Jimmy? Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh shit, bitch ate it. Bitch, I didn't tell you ate it. I didn't tell you ate it. A little gurgling. And scene. Okay, yeah. It's crazy no one hires you anymore. Wow. It's a great character. Yeah, right. Maybe we can get someone to work on the movie. It's the story of this man, this horrible sheep's head-bathed man. Stupid ass dog. You know about his cat. So, after this incident, the New York press had a field day. Murderous elephant slays local drunken, you know, and such. So Four Paw got all scrooged with it and screamed, you can't buy this type of publicity. And the Brooklyn crowds came out in force to see Topsy, the murdering elephant. Through the end of their Brooklyn run, the whole place was sold out. The news and crowds followed them all the way up to Kingston, New York. So nobody cared? When the elephant killed, like his family didn't sue or anything like that. It was everyone. I don't think he had a family. You think anybody gave a fucking shit about the guy that went in a meeting? I'm really surprised he had a name. He harassed an elephant until it crushed his face. Okay, local tramp. Yes, okay. In this point in New York City, people were beyond disposable. Everybody was giant. especially at Coney. Oh yeah, man. It's like fucking one less shithead. Great. They were just happy to hear a new way for a shithead to die. They were like, oh my God, we didn't know that was another tragic way that you could die in Brooklyn. Let's go. So back in the day, from what I'm learning with these circus elephants, whenever they killed somebody, they would use that as an advertisement to get people to come. Oh dude, I'm right there. Yeah, man killing elephant. I'm right there. So when they went up to Kingston, New York, it was sold out all the way through there, too. And then when they were boarding the train to leave Kingston, a crowd came to say goodbye to Topsy. And one spectator named Louis Dondaro used a stick to try and tickle Topsy behind her ear. Topsy was not so ticklish this day. She picked up Dondaro with her trunk. and right before she was about to pile drive him into pudding, her handler, Whitey Alt, stopped her from ending his existence. God, this is a deadly elephant. What is it with people? There we go. There we go. You ticklish, you ticklish, you big bitch. What could this 3,500-pound animal with swords on its face possibly do? That's why not. So Fourpaw said, enough with this fucking elephant. Its trail of death and destruction is too much. She's becoming a liability. So he sold Topsy and her handler Whitey to the fearless frogman who swam the English channel, Paul Boynton. Paul Boynton at the time was the owner of the Coney Island Sea Lion Park. I just want to say thank you so much for also purchasing me. It's one of the hardest things I don't know. I live inside. It was a basket on top of his back, didn't it? And that's one of the nicest things. It's one of the nicest things that ever happened to me. Somebody sold me. I actually didn't even know I was bought. God damn, I love that Whitey. I love Whitey. Well, Paul Boynton was a much better frog man than he was a businessman. And he sold the Sea Lion Park that same year to Frederick Thompson and Elmer Dundee, who built the still famous Luna Park. Yeah! Luna Park in Brooklyn! I love Luna Park. I love Luna. Topsy helped build Luna Park. Oh, wow! Topsy became a working elephant and would mostly just, like, pull the heavy equipment and supplies. You know, her labor was photographed and portrayed in the media as penance for her violent past. That's an amazing storyline. Topsy the elephant, once a murderer and attempted murderer, now is in Brooklyn. It's like, I tried. Well, Whitey Alt, who was as drunk as he was an elephant handler, was in charge of getting Topsy to work. And one day when she refused to drag an amusement ride from one end of Luna Park to the other, Whitey stabbed her with a pitchfork. There were many witnesses that saw the abuse and reported Mr. Alt to the cops. This really pissed Alt off. So he decided to say, fuck it. And just let Topsy run free and cause chaos in the streets. Yeah, dude, don't fuck with me, man. Don't fuck with me. Never trust a Whitey with anything. Someone named Whitey, don't trust them with a 3,000-pound killing machine. 8,000. 8,000. Peace. God, I love it. You're thinking of the CRV. That's true. I am thinking of the Honda. No one's ever tore apart a bunch of people using CRVs or a Toyota RAV4. Rav4. Well, Alt was arrested, and then two months later, when he got out in an act of revenge, Whitey Alt got on top of Topsy and rode her into the police station where Topsy barreled through the station doors, trumpeting her trunk, sending the officers to lock themselves in the cells out of fear. This is what when we say make America great again, this is what I'm fucking talking about. Okay, Whitey Alt, somehow still a slave. He is past slavery. He is somehow still a slave to an elephant. And he went and told the cops what was going on, dude. I think maybe they was just mad about their stomp and frisk program. It was unfair. In New York City, it was very unfair practice. It really was, because they could pull over any whitey they wanted. It was reverse racism. well alt was fired and arrested not sure in which order and topsy's new owners thompson and dundee thought man this elephant really isn't worth all this trouble not to mention with alt the only elephant handler in town now gone they had to get rid of this elephant somehow topsy has such a bad reputation at this point they couldn't even give her away so they settled on the next best thing public execution. December 13th, 1902, it was announced in the local papers that for the 25 cents, you could come and see the execution of Topsy on January 4th, 1903. This event was billed as an advertisement for their brand new Luna Park opening up in May. Yeah, of course. This is how Luna Park, fucking the Wonder Wheel, opened with this. Everybody got around and we're killing an elephant. And they were just like, yeah, absolutely. I'll bring it to your ass. Let's kill my mother-in-law. And don't forget to go to the spook house. Brand new. I was surprised. I was honestly, I was extremely disappointed to go in the spook house and find only ghosts. Hype was built in the papers every day, and the whole city was preparing itself for the public death of Topsy. With all the press this event was getting, the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty of animals, you know them better, as the ASPCA stepped in and said, this is insane. You can't electrocute this elephant in front of a huge crowd. Didn't you hear about what happened with Jumbo 2 in Buffalo last year? This had happened before. Yes. This was the second elephant execution in America. This is not the one. What was the one with Alexander Graham? With Thomas Edison. That's Topsy. Yes. That's Topsy. Now, we'll get into that in a little bit. There's a lot of rumors and weird shit in there. Jumbo 2, though, all right, was hard to find information on Jumbo 2, but I was fascinated. I'd never heard about this. The only place I could find it was on a podcast from the city of Buffalo's local museum. That's a podcast. They did an episode on Jumbo 2, and so this is where I got that information. Jumbo 2 was sentenced to death after supposedly killing two people, and the city of Buffalo decided to do it at the Pan Am Stadium, where President McKinley had been assassinated two months earlier. This is where things get killed. We can't get to the stadium. That's exactly where we go. You remember when President McKinley got shot and how great of a time we had, right? It was packed! Why don't we do it again, but this time with something that we know is going to get shot, because then we'll be there for it ahead of time. I also appreciate that you made sure that after allegedly killing two people, we don't know that he killed two people. We don't know that he killed two people. It's actually a point of contention. I'm a proxy! A thousand people wanted to see this. They all bought 50-cent tickets. But at the last minute, the mayor was like, we can't let people come watch this. Plus, they just saw an elephant murdered here when President McKinley was shot because he's a Republican. But a thousand people were already there and wanted to see this fucking elephant die. Now we're fucking here. So they postponed the execution to later that evening when people would hopefully lose steam and go home. That being said, 500 people still snuck into the stadium to watch. Don't you fucking lie to me. All right. I am here to see an elegant creature be murdered. Okay. I got to see it. I brought three geese with me as well. I'd like to slit their throats if we could. My wife found a swan over in the park. And we were going to steer it on these javelins. And snuck in. It's more like 500 people just sat in front of a fucking police officer. You're like, no. You're going to learn a sand? I want to see it. You're going to learn a sand? I'm coming in. Jumbo 2 was let out by three other elephants. He was then tied to a platform built that day, and electrodes were fastened to his thick skin. Then, as the crowd watched, 2,200 volts were sent shooting into Jumbo 2's body. Nothing happened. Jumbo 2 actually seemed to enjoy the electricity, wagging his tail, throwing dirt in the air, and playing with the platform. Now back on to plan B, everybody! Jumbo 2 was then led back to his pen by his elephant co-worker friends, and his life was spared. They took him on the road to Boston and Baltimore, where he was billed as an elephant that killed 50 men and withstood 3,000 volts of electricity. In July, that same summer, while on tour in Cleveland, Jumbo died in his sleep from unknown reasons like so many great rock stars we've lost. Yeah, goddamn, I can't imagine. Where was he, at the Roxy? Yeah, I'm back. In a fucking pool of his own vomit. He's got a capoeira. What's it, a little capoeira there? And her panties, an unraged capoeira and her little fucking panties. She's been trying to come traffic there from Germany. It really wasn't the days when entertainment had your imagination do half the work. Oh, sure. Because, you know, you just say, this elephant killed 50 people and it was stood 3,000 volts of electricity. And what you're doing when you go to see the elephant, you're just looking at the elephant. You're not doing anything. You're just imagining the elephant killing 50 people and getting hard. They would assign human characteristics to elephants a lot back then and it almost seemed like they deserved the prison sentence they were given. That was the idea that creates a full story arc. That's what they were looking for. So back to Coney where they didn't want another Jumbo 2 incident on their hands. You mean they didn't want another dud show? Yeah! They didn't want it to be boring. So the ASPCA had now convinced Thompson and Dundee, hey, maybe we don't electrocute Topsy. They suggested, what if we drug Topsy with cyanide and then hang her? Wouldn't that be better? Oh, yeah, and you can't charge admission. So Thompson and Dundee were like, fine. It's going to have to be invite only. Yeah, you're going to have to just, we're going to have to cap it at 50, right? You don't drug with cyanide. You poison with cyanide. You poison it with cyanide. My English isn't good, Marcus. I also like the idea of, like, it's the scene from B. We Herman. Like, what if we shoot it in the head? I don't know. What if we shoot it in the head and then we hang? We shoot it in the head and then we hang it in the head. Why? We let him go. Well, they agreed and kept the date for January 4th, 1903. The press was notified, but when the day came, even though they said no spectators, a thousand people still showed up to watch Topsy hang. In New York, you're going to hang an elephant puck and people are going to show up. Yeah, yeah, let's go. To this day, I think that's true. Yeah. Honestly, I'd go. If you were going to build, if you told me. It's 1903. In Burbank. I'm just saying right now. If you told me in Burbank someone had built an impromptu gallows and they were going to hang an elephant, I'd at least go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're ruining your day. Yeah. Well, you know I got 50 cents. Think about that. A 1903 show in 2026. How easy would that be? Now that's your show. I mean, I do know if that were to happen, I think I would probably be roped in by my wife to plot to rescue the elephant. Sure. Because Caroline is a massive, massive elephant fan. Loves elephants so much. I love elephants too. Yeah. We could save it. We could have our own elephant. I mean, I will. LPN elephant. I don't want it to die, but I love the idea that it's happening. But then we could rescue the elephant. We could have our own elephant. I would take it, absolutely. And I'd train it to go against the fucking police. Then you could see. Now you're turning into Walt Whitey. Yeah. It's that easy. So a thousand people showed up, but only a hundred were allowed in and some press were allowed in to watch the spectacle. Many more jumped the fence and watched from rooftops nearby where they were charged admission. Yeah. Now that's Brooklyn. Yeah. The giant electrical tower was rigged with rope and inspected by the ASPCA. And when they said, yeah, you can hang your elephant here. Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we go right here? Yeah, nice, nice, nice, nice. They're going to hang this. The event commenced. So the official plan was to feed Topsy carrots laced with 460 grams with cyanide, walk her over a bridge to the electrical tower, hang her from it, and then electrocute her for good measure. Oh, my God. And then we're going to have to Kaiser shoot her with the first ever Gatling gun. And then we, I, God, God, this is just a whole afternoon. Well, a man named Carl Goliath, who was a supposed elephant expert who formerly worked for Carl Human Zoo Hagenbeck, was chosen to lead Topsy to her death. But Topsy knew that something wasn't right, and she refused to be led to her demise at the tower. Even after being cattle prodded and given apples and treats, she wouldn't go. It was probably when he yelled, dead elephant walking, over and over again that tipped her off. As soon as he saw that nun show up. They were at a loss at what to do. So Thompson and Dundee sent for our favorite drunken police station attacker, Whitey Alt, and offered him $25 to lead her to the tower. Yeah, I'll give you one better, $15. Whitey said he wouldn't do it even for $1,000. Ironically, $25 in 1903 is about $1,000 now. Does that matter? No, but still slightly interesting. It could be. It really could be. Just Whitey All. I love the power now Whitey All has. You know what I mean? We're a slave and a little rat. Just hammered at rubies eating clams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's already been shucked. Cheered on the shelf. Oh, Topsy, I wish you were here to open these clams for me. Just tell me when it's over. I'll tell you when it's over. The decision was made that if Topsy refused to march to her death, then death would be brought to her. Cool. The team then rigged the noose with extra rope, gave her some more cyanide, and extended the electrical cables and got the show on the road. It is unclear. They brought the noose to you. Okay Why does it have to be so elaborate? There is a gun Named an elephant gun There is a gun that is named Specifically for the purpose of killing elephants You could just shoot the elephant in the head You listen to your skinny communists We've got the crane already here I've got so much noose I don't know what to do with that Okay This noose has got to go Noose has been sold and purchased Where else are we going to bring this big giant noose? Now we've got to use the noose. It is unclear on the ASPCA's role in the audible. All right. So with help from the Edison Illuminating Company of Brooklyn, they were able to have two power stations send enough electricity to kill Topsy. One copper sandal was placed on her left forefoot and another was placed on her right hind foot. So the electricity ran through her whole body. They had spotters on roofs signaling the Coney Island power station nine blocks away when they were going to flip the switch in case of grid problems The Luna Park chief electrician also closed off a Luna Park switch which would then redirect 6,600 volts to Topsy, three times as much that was used on Jumbos 2's execution attempt. Electric chairs use anywhere from 1,000 to 2,000 volts. They're going to make Elephant Stein. What I'd always heard on this with Edison, Because I'd always heard that Edison was the guy behind it all. And what he was trying to do was demonstrate that AC power was better than DC power. Or maybe vice versa, that DC power was better than AC power. I'm going to get into all that in a little bit. Okay. Yeah. So when the switch was flipped, the superintendent at the Coney Island station was almost killed when he got mixed up in the apparatus and was thrown across the room. Topsy's fate was not like Jumbos. She was dead within 10 seconds. One onlooker said that she went out without a trumpet or a groan. Of course, people in electric chairs don't go, ah, the whole time. It's silent. It's sad. So, I wish they would. That was the coolest part. After she was electrocuted to death, they decided to hang her anyway for good measure. The steam-powered wench strangled her lifeless body for 10 minutes. She was then pronounced dead officially at 2.47 p.m. An autopsy was then conducted in the very place she died. They removed her organs and sent them to Princeton, and a taxidermist skinned her and turned her into a chair for Thompson. Jesus. Thompson also had her four legs fashioned into umbrella holders for the office. You guys should think about that. I don't really know what to do with all my ivory. Largely, I've been using it to make bullets to shoot the poor. It was one of my favorite things, is to shoot a homeless man in the head with an ivory bullet. That's my bucket list. Well, they cut off her head and buried it behind the horse stables. The execution was filmed and turned into a 74-second movie that could be viewed with Edison kinescopes and toured around America for children to enjoy. The film was creatively called Electrocuting an Elephant It did not run long because it was not Very popular This is back in the days when Movies just were what they were They were named what they were Train! It was like the first movie Unfortunately, here is Topsy's Electrocuting an Elephant Honestly, we can just kind of flip through it Because it's silent It's only 74 seconds It doesn't really, you know. Yep, dead elephant walking. You really see it coming now. Yeah. Yep, it's really, that is a dead-ass elephant about to be dead. Yeah. She doesn't seem mean. I can see the steam from the steam wench. Mm-hmm. Imagine, like, you're at a fair, and you're just, as a child, you're just extremely sad watching this through a fucking little machine that you're cranking. I kind of take this back because this is not entertaining at all. No. This entire execution of the elephant is like, it needs an opener. That's the thing. It would be much better if you saved the elephant. No, I'm saying with Jared Logan opening. If he was doing crowd work, like a form of warm-up. That's really fucked up, Eddie. Yeah, that's really awful. It is awful. Being electrocuted to death. You're a bastard. I'm not a bastard. It's powerful. It is. Yes, it's powerful. I want to know like what's his internal temperature and then they hung it afterwards yes after this well that's just to make sure it's dead you don't want it to come back like mike myers clearly dead here too right it seems like it's not dancing yeah yeah its legs are stiff and suspended like yeah it's not good yeah it's them hanging it yeah well that was a god fucking awful ed yeah there's lots of movies like that. You're a bastard. So Thomas Edison is often credited as the man who electrocuted Topsy. But the truth is, he wasn't there, and confusion comes because the electric company bore his name, and then even though he was ousted as controller of that electric company a decade earlier, he owned the film, so he had been falsely credited as the man who pulled the lever and orchestrated the entire event. Not that he had some huge moral code or anything. He was a horrific man. I bet he was pissed he missed it. Buckar would have been laughing his ass off if he was there. I wish we could have done it with a line of dogs. I wish we could have done it with people. Especially since he made sure the film was preserved by the Library of Congress. Technically, it is history. When I electrocuted an elephant in my backyard, nobody came. Nobody came when my daughter was born without a vase. Well, in 1916, there was another elephant lynching in Tennessee of an elephant called Murderous Mary, or just Mary to non-idiots. It's just an elephant. Yeah. She got her nickname after she killed an unqualified handler on his first day of the job. He was riding her into a crowded area, and she wasn't moving fast enough, so he prodded her behind her ear. Mary snatched him off of her back with her trunk, slammed him through a drink stand, and squashed his head in front of many onlookers. Cool. The newspapers created more sensationalism, saying that she gored him with her tusks, when we all know female elephants don't have tusks. So she was ordered to be executed regardless. September 13th, 1916, murderous Mary was hung in front of a crowd of 2,500 people chanting, kill the elephant, over and over and over again. How do you chant kill the elephant? Kill the elephant! Kill the elephant! Kill the elephant. I'm sure they were offbeat for a little while. Because honestly, I know that that's how they said it because I remember that there was a chant started when Ed and I walked into the Mariah Carey concert that we were at over Christmas break. And it was like, that's where I heard that. I was like, where do I recognize that? Yeah, you can also do like, kill the elephant. Kill the elephant. You're giving him too much credit. Okay, yeah. Kill the elephant. Kill the elephant. Kill. Mary had a chain tied around her neck and was lifted by a crane. While hanging to her death, the chain snapped and she fell and broke her hip in front of the crowd. Jesus Christ. She screamed in pain in front of everybody. This was said to have scared the children. Oh, the children who were brought to the elephant execution? Yes. They were like, this wasn't as fun as we thought it was going to be. This wasn't as fun as the time we went to go see those anarchists get shot, Daddy. Do you remember when we went to go see the Anarchists get shot? Oh yeah, it was all those Italians! I remember that! That was so much fun when we saw those Italians get shot! You just turned into Gilbert. Well, they went and got a bigger chain and it worked the next time. She was buried right there beside the railroad tracks. But before she was buried, a veterinarian performed an examination and determined that she had a rotted out tooth in the exact spot the novice handler had prodded her. Yeah, obviously it was bad. Yeah. I don't know why, but I imagine Murderous Mary with a little bow. Yeah. A little pink bow. Or she would have to be adorable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's very much a Sherry Moon zombie. Yeah. If she was an elephant. I wish that... I'll make sure to tell her that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time. I'm going to DM her. I'm sure she listens. I wish that Mary, Jumbo 2, and Topsy were the only stories like this But the truth is, there were 36 public elephant executions in America Between the 1880s and the 1920s Elephants were often looked at as good or bad And an elephant could be considered bad if it did not work when told In the carny's eyes, bull elephants were looked at as unruly brutes that required constant abuse to be kept in line, unless they could become unmanageable and possibly destroy the showman's business. They took the stance that if an elephant tried to avoid work, it was lazy and needed to be punished, and elephant execution was deemed appropriate retribution for criminal behavior. I really wonder if, because you say 1880, that's around the time that we stopped doing public hangings. I think it seems like maybe elephant executions were trying to fill the hole in America. The sequel. Yeah. We can't execute people in public anymore, so let's execute elephants. They started with dolphins, but they were too slippery. Yeah, so hard. And you really can't see them struggle because they're under the water. Yeah, and they don't really have necks. I actually think that makes a lot of sense, and also the idea that we're throwing human attributes on the elephant. Yeah. So it does sort of give the same kick, almost like it's like a methadone for human executions. Circus elephants never had it easy. An 8,000 pound animal constantly on the road and forced to perform for crowds of screaming people while cannons are shot off and clowns spray seltzer water and horses jump from towers into small pools. It's bad! We all know that having animals as attraction in circuses are inherently evil. We've all seen Dumbo. It came out in 1941. We've known this shit is wrong. Also, say what you want about the crows. They're the only characters that were nice to Dumbo. They're true. They are the only characters with a heart in the whole movie. The unfortunate thing is if Dumbo was murdered, those talking crows would have been the first ones to get arrested. Oh, man. Can you imagine the really cute little pigs that would have played ice? We know it's wrong. We knew it was wrong. I remember being on top of an elephant as a child at Ringling Brothers Circus. The elephant didn't want to do what the trainer wanted, and he whipped the elephant profusely while I was on top. How did he tell the difference? I remember my mom screaming. And then finally, they got me down. Eventually, even at that young age, I knew I never wanted to do no shit like that again. Yeah. As of May 2016, Ringling Brothers has retired their working elephants to a sanctuary in Polk County, Florida. Could be worse. Could be worse. Ringling Brothers were paid $16 million by the Humane Society and other animals' rights groups as a settlement to retire the elephants. So don't think they're saints. No, no, no. They not only had to be forced, they had to be paid a lot of fucking money. Yes. Yeah. Currently, 10 states in America have banned elephants from performing in circuses. Hawaii being the most notable after the famous 1994 incident featuring an elephant named Tyke. Tyke killed her trainer and critically injured her groomer and then stormed out of the arena into the street where she injured another, trampled cars, and ultimately was shot dead by police with 86 bullets. Truth. Tyke should have never been there. She had two incidents the previous year when she broke out in Altoona, Pennsylvania and Minow, North Dakota. She was rampaging loose in both towns for over half an hour each. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to put the same 8,000 pound animal on a boat halfway across the Pacific Ocean and then force it to perform? It's like King Kong. Yeah, it really is. King Kong on the barge. So is there a moral to these stories? Sure. the obvious is that using wild animals as entertainment is wrong plain and simple. Yeah, they're bad. You know, it's bad. Yeah. AZA accredited zoos I can still see the importance in teaching us about animals making us fall in love with them thus making us want to be a part of animal conservation. That makes sense to me. It's like there's a difference between an elf and walking out and he kind of scrubbing it and everyone going like hi instead of like and not putting it in a suit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like on top of a little platform while everyone's screaming and throwing it at you. I feel like there's a difference. Yeah, yeah. There's a difference between a trained veterinarian who went to grad school, probably has a master's degree, and some dude named Whitey. Yeah. And Whitey cared. Whitey sort of cared. Whitey didn't care at all. Whitey had nobody. Whitey only cared about the elephant's power. Whitey had no one. And even though his demand for getting into going and leading the elephant to his doom, even though it was an exorbitant sum, he still had a price. Whitey had a go about making himself a slave. He was not a slave. After slavery. He was purchased. He wasn't a slave. He wasn't a slave. I think he was paid a small amount. Yes. Ed said something about the trainer also being bought and you ran with it. It's not true. He's not a slave. I don't understand all the rage. His name was Whitey. I've never been allowed to go anywhere. Whitey, you work for Dundee now, and you got no choice about it. Yeah, I'll just say thank you. I think the original take you out and I'm like, yeah, yeah. That's more true than what Whitey was. Although a man one day loses it, takes it to a fucking police station. So fun. What I'm saying is how many telecoms, topsies, Tatianas, and Harambes have to die before we say enough of it all? You know, in the current state of affairs, the safety and care for animals will probably be pushed aside for a while. Not that anyone needs another reason to hate our president. But in 2018, Trump lifted the ban on elephant tusks being brought into the United States from Zambia and Zimbabwe, specifically where his sons have been photographed next to their trophies. Wow. What? What a coincidence. Wow, he changed an entire law just so his stupid fucking sons could have their stupid fucking elephant test trophies? Yeah, where they tie him next to a fucking pole and then they go and they shoot him in the back of the head execution style like they're fucking in the Russian government. But surely this man is here for the common man. Don't worry, it's not just us. Prince Harry has gone trophy hunting while his family advocates to put an end to wildlife trade. Anybody with the prince in front of their name isn't a real fucking human being. No, you're not a hunter. No, you don't need to hunt. You're a prince. Go disappear. All of you princes, just go fucking disappear somewhere. All right. So Prince Harry, he did this thing, which I'm sure you've heard of before, where people try to tell you that this type of big trophy hunting is actually good for animal conservation. What some animal reserves have been said to have done is that they have really, really rich people from all around the world pay an exorbitant fee so they have the right to kill old or sick animals. The reserve then takes those large sums of money and uses it to keep the reserve afloat financially. As someone who has been on safari in Africa, there wasn't one moment when I thought, man, it'd be pretty cool to shoot that elephant in its huge, beautiful brain. That's just because you're a pussy, my friend. You gotta get over there. My favorite is I strap two indigenous birds to my feet. I got two squirrels in either hand. If you hunt to eat or hunting when it's necessary to control an out-of-control population or invasive species, that I understand. If you go on a plane to go hunt on another continent, you can suck my balls. I couldn't agree more. Un-fucking-believable. You're such a loser. But with laws changing for the worse in many places, for instance, Florida's own swollen-faced, high-heeled Governor Ron DeSantis decided that Florida needed to reopen bear hunting season this past year for some fucking reason. I mean, there's been quite an influx of the bear community because of the Republican influx. And to Florida, there's quite a bit of chubby, bearded, closeted men that really do need quite a bit of action. In Florida, bears were hunted into, almost hunted into extinction in the 1970s. Yeah, I know. When they were brought down to less than 500 in the wild. You should see the thrift stores, you can tell. strangely the otter population is through the roof oh wow it just seems to be thriving well now there's 4 000 bears in florida and they're off the endangered species list so let's start killing them again seems fun right i don't know what goes through the mind of someone who has a desire to hurt an animal there may be reasons to hurt some people sure but the animal kingdom deserves our respect. So maybe it's about time to find some of these sad, weak-ass poachers and politicians and throw them to the elephant garden. Fuck yeah! Throw them to the elephant garden! Because again, if you're just hunting deer or hiring, that's like the whole thing of it, right? If you're hunting for sustainability, if you're hunting to eat the food, it all makes fucking sense. Even the idea of some low-level prize hunting makes sense in places where you're going after deer or going after these things that are actually, like, actually... If you're using the animal. Yeah, like, they're a part of the thing. It's just the idea of just going and shooting an exotic animal in the head. For no fucking reason other than... For the story. Yeah, to be able to kill it and stuff it and put it in your fucking library when it's full of books you can't read. You don't even have a story. I mean, I could get it, like, if we're talking, like, you know, 1910, Teddy Roosevelt, like, going out... You're not talking about something! I can understand, like, you know, the... That Michael Douglas movie. It can very much understand the idea of I'm going to go out into the wild and I'm going to kill something that could kill me. Of course. Like that, I can kind of get that. That's what these Patagonia vest bitches are doing. Yeah, like Prince Harry, he has no fucking risk of being killed by any of these animals. The fact that these people are paying to go shoot a sick animal is fucking garbage. It really is. It's so, it is gas. It's one of those things where it should be like a trap. It should be like the moment you go out there and you have the animal in your sights and you pull that trigger and it goes click, that's when your gun should explode and you should die. Or you realize you have no bullets and now you're just out there. Yeah. You know, and now, okay, now we'll see what happens. Or you get like a tiny six inch blade and it's a fair fight. Yeah, there you go. That is kind of interesting. It'd be kind of cool if you had one attached to each finger. That would be fun. Well, Eddie, man, what a fucking fantastic job. This is so much fun. Yeah, a lot of death. Yeah, and now we have a new thing to say. Throw him to the elephant garden. Yeah, I like that. I wish it was real. Go to patreon.com slash lastpodcastontheleft. Go visit our own personal elephant garden. We have incredible content. You can also go see, you can get all of the podcasts ad-free. You also can see last stream on the left live, 6 p.m. PSD, every Tuesday. We have this one coming up. It's going to be great. You know, a whole bunch of shit. Go check our Patreon. Yes. This weekend, we're going to be in Austin, Texas at the Paramount Theater. Come see us. It's going to be a fucking blast. That's Saturday, February 28th. March 13th will be in Indianapolis, April 25th, Cincinnati, May 29th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, June 27th, Grand Rapids, Michigan, July 17th, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and July 18th, Oklahoma City. Also, I got a bunch of shows coming up. I figured I'd let you guys know about April 3rd. I'm doing stand-up here in Los Angeles with Amber Nelson at the Lyric Hyperion. April 11th P Funk Fest in Tallahassee April 12th ViStar Stadium in Jacksonville with Danny Bedrosian and Holden McNeely this one's new I don't know why I'm doing this July 10th a salute to Bethlehem PA you what? hosted by me Dan Becker and Ruby Deer from Start Making Sense I'm just doing this show for no reason it's over at ArtsQuest it's just amazing they like turned like a steel factory into a fucking cool art space I just booked this shit it's a lot of fun And also I'm going to be in Newark on July 12th at our buddy Justin Williams. He just opened a comedy club in Newark called the Newark Culture Club. That's right. I forgot about his thing. That's so cool. Yeah. So I want to check that. Also, I want to give a special shout out to Eddie Ewing who sent me a bunch of elephant jokes that I used. It was a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. He's fucking hilarious. I love that guy. I love all of you. This was a lot of fun. Really good work. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. I love you too. I love you. I don't use that word lightly. I love you. We're going to be doing we're going to be coming back with the Fox catcher murders. We're going to be ending our DuPont series and then we're going to some true crime and then back to Mount Rushmore of evil. Yes. Yeah. Fucking wait. Well, that's going to be after we have a little surprise. You know what month is coming up? Oh, y'all know it's coming. And we got a new we got a new way to do it this year. I think it's going to be really fun. It's going to be great. All right. All right, fuckers. Hell Satan. Hail Topsy! Hail Topsy, yeah. She didn't know the difference. She didn't know what she was doing. That was mine. That was my perfect elephant.