#161 - Kumail Nanjiani

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By the way, the last four digits are Stomp. I know. I know. Hey, that's professional too. That's not a coincidence. That's why if you were like, oh, are you from Jacksonville? It's like, no, we put in Stomp on Google Voice and whatever number came back we took. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Love it though. Got the new special out. Nice to have you here, dude. We're big fans. I mean, when we met, we saw Naked Gun, which was awesome. It's so funny. It's really good. So good. Really good. I told you, I weirdly was keyed in on, because I was really into stand up when you were taking off before the acting stuff at all. We're talking just, I was like really investigating, hey, what alt comics are on the rise? And I have these very vivid memories of being, I worked at the grad school at University of Maryland Baltimore County. I was my jobs my senior year. How was that school? It's actually pretty good. It's not a bad school, not a fun school. It's one of those like, you'll get an education, but it kind of sucks, dick. I think the parties were all like, I remember being like, keyed up, I'm so pumped. I'm like, I'm at college, baby. I'm going to my first college party in a dorm, fully 19 men, two girls, uncomfortable. The girls are like, we got to get out of here. And it's just, there's just enough room for someone brought in a folding table in a little dorm and it's just literally a beer pong and just like people circling around like it's the Coliseum. Yeah, there's no way to talk. Everyone's trying to shuffle to get close to the girls. You know, obviously none of us got to fuck them. They all they were long gone. Somebody, somebody got to fuck you. You're right. You know what? One of my roommates did at a certain point end up fucking them. So I did spend, I did, I got to know her through as like a girl getting fucked while I'm pretending to sleep. That was always the worst. I've been there. When it was like sex was like a distant, like there's no way this will ever happen for me. I didn't lose my 100%. You know, I was like fairly like into my college career before I lost my virginity. Me too, me too. You were? Yeah, yeah. Oh, we, we were not pussy getters in high school. Me and this guy, we grew up together and we really, really pathetically tried to have sex our whole adolescence and it did not work out for us. Yeah. I remember at certain, you know, 16, 17, 18 being like, I will just never have sex. Oh, it's just not going to happen for me. That was exactly why because I don't deserve it. My dick's too small. I have a pathetic little dick. I'm ugly. I got a terrible personality. I feel like people with terrible dicks are fucking, but I'm like, I got nothing to offer a woman. Why would she, I don't deserve it. They're right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. I feel like I'm not a sexual comp. Like I thought I was inadequate because I couldn't, because I did, I could get girls to like me because I was always had like the, I was always like fun. But it was the moment someone showed that it was possible. I clammed up. I was a coward. You choked. Dude, I blew so many opportunities. Yeah. You were in free throws. Yeah. I met the line. It's shaking. You already know. Yeah. Like the crowd noise. Right. Yeah. Like Chris Weber. Yeah. Absolutely. I had so many opportunities like starting young, like the first time I like saw, I touched titties. I was like 15, 14. Oh my God. Did she, did she know? Yeah. Yeah. She was unconscious. I was volunteering at an old folks home. I was getting, I was getting my, I was trying to pump up my college resume. I still can't. I would dress, what I would do is I would dress up in a World War II outfit. I would say, Dolly, I'm home. We got those crowds. You've been waiting for this day for 40 years. And you know, people say I didn't get consent. I made those old ladies day. I come back with flower. Yeah. That's the best day she's had in decades. She got the letter. This is the best day she's had. It was, it was, yeah, it was like the Greek festival. It's at my church. That was the one night a year you would get drunk as a child at our church. That's a thing. Is it, is it a Greek church, like a drinky place? Well, we would have the big money maker for every Greek church you go to. Like, if you've ever been to any bumfuck town, they're having a Greek festival. It's cause the Orthodox church in that town. That's interesting because where Emily's from, North Carolina, there's a Greek festival that she talks about. And that, and it's like the money maker that makes the church's money for the year. Because everybody comes. That's what it is. That's really all it is. It's like the biggest fundraiser. Why do they have a Greek festival? Yeah. And so, exactly. And they loved getting, and Greeks, you know, they'll fucking, they'll let children drink whatever. And it was like New Year's in the Greek festival. It was like June and, you know, December. It was like, you're two nights to get fucked up as a child. And just like trying, you know, make out. And literally the first time I touched titties was at my church, drunk as hell off of like, and like my brother's god sister was like working the bar. And so she's like, here's all the beers you want, little buddy. Like I'm just getting served as a child. Right. I felt like the man. So then talk me through this moment. You know, it was just a girl who, let's just say, great guy, fun gal. She came with someone else and I just kind of waited for him to blow it. I just kind of was on the periphery. And it was one of those like slowly circling closer. And we, I knew, I kind of knew her. She was like from my school. And she, this was her like exotic come to come to East Baltimore. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Check out what the Greeks are up to. Like a white trash girl who was on a, like a, just a rough graphic. Yeah. Yeah. She's surveying the natives. Yeah. Exactly. And I just think whoever brought her kind of blew it was like, there was one, at this Greek festival, there was one more timid pussy than me. And I just had to outdo him. Basically, it's like what they say about running away from a bear. Yes. You don't get to be fast. You just get to be better than the worst guy. I slash his hamstrings. So the no pussy getting bear catches him instead of me. And yeah, you know, it was great. One of the highlights of my life. Did you see her again? Yeah. It was one of those classic, she was like such a seasoned pro at like getting. Getting her titties touched. Yeah. And getting your titties touched. That to her is like, like now, you know, like in your thirties, you might get drunk and be like, Oh, I can't believe I made out with that person. I was kind of wild or whatever. You're like, you know, you're capable of that. She was kind of in that mode at like 15. So I remember being at my my telemarketing job the next day, which by the way, I was also a 15 year old telemarketer for American government mortgage. Can I tell you something? Yeah, I could pick that up from your vibe. When I first encountered you, I was like somewhere in his teens, this guy was selling shit, bullshit on a phone. I didn't I didn't close a single app. I would like to I didn't I didn't help the housing crisis. In fact, I kind of took some of the money away from it. You were like, yeah, bad guy in the big short. Exactly. Basically, yeah, I was just a very incompetent guy at one of those offices. So I was actually helped. I was helping. Right. I was getting ten dollars an hour right from one of these horrible shell companies. That's what you know what is so funny to me. Like this is the thing that all those people who got stuck in the Riyadh Comedy Festival, by the way, funny story of the last 10 years. It is really funny. It's so great. I mean, I obviously I wouldn't I got offered. I didn't want to do it. I think we shouldn't support, you know, regime like it's a monarchy that has so many human rights violations that it's like I wouldn't have done it, but whatever. But I also it is funny because Kamala wins. No one gives a fuck about right. And I was cashing their checks. Right, right, right. You know, and so many of these are the same people. Like I bet you Gabriel and Glacis is doing a fucking private for like Deloitte. He's fucking he's like signing bombs for like, you know, Northrop, Northrop Grumman shit like that. Like they probably named a bomb fluffy or something in the past. He's probably got like two million dollars to do stand up. Like all these guys are not murderous. I'm fluffy. Yeah. All these guys are used to cashing huge checks from evil people. Yeah, they're like, now I have to. Now I'm getting in trouble. Well, to me, it's so funny because not one person was like, hey, I am taking money away from them. What I'm going to use it for is going to be better. What they will use it for. Why did nobody come up with that? They try, but it was too late. Yeah, they tried after they got caught. And then I think they were like human rights groups were like, we don't want blood money. To me, that's the funniest. When people tried to donate, they were like, we don't want it. Nothing you can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a tough one. But anyway, yes. So how did it end real quickly? Put a button on and then we'll actually talk to our guest who I'm so interested in this. I just remember being like like going into my job being like well, it looks like I have a girlfriend. And like and then like is the MySpace days and being like, let's see if I made her top eight yet. Like truly, wow, I had no I had no. I had no and never gotten any romantic attention from a girl. So I just figured like once she kisses it's so important. She's your girlfriend. Yeah, it changes how you see yourself. And then it was like not only that, but like it becomes clear by cruising her MySpace. She has a boyfriend. Yeah. And then she's messaging me like, L-O-L. I don't even remember what happened last week. She's trying to backtrack. And I'm like, haha, I'm fucking crying. I'm crying in my cubicle. You've been replaying it exactly as it happened in your head all week. In my head, it's the start of our wedding video. Yeah, I could animate the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally my first kiss. I remember this was in college and I was late bloom or for sure. Nothing going on in Pakistan. No, yeah. No. Not for me. Sure. I'm sure people somewhere were doing stuff. You know, it's such a different environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different priorities. Blame the culture. People trying to get laid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was focusing on math. Yeah, yeah. This really cute girl in college was like into me and that when we the first time we kissed, I was so bad that it completely immediately. That was it. That ruined it. It was so bad. Because I was like, well, the goal must be to get as much of my tongue into her face as possible, right? Yeah. I think part of me was like, you know, when you're like hungry for a long time. Oh, yeah. It's that. Yeah, yeah. It's I was like, I was like, Tom Hanks from cast away back online. Like what you got? Yeah. Horrible. At the buffet, just show me your hands. Oh, yeah. That's a tough one. That's interesting. What was the like, what was the culture like Pat like hookup wise in Pakistan? Because like, I remember going to Greece and being shocked at how much she like kids were fucking really. Yeah. Well, at least in my experience from what I saw, it was very it was not like I went from first of all, my school until so we had 13 grades. We had a year extra. Oh, OK. Until the 11th grade of school I was in. Actually, you're just like telling you to hate how much you should hate India. Do an extra. No, we start that. That's pre K. That's pre K. What are you talking about? I love countries that are still engaged in like medieval levels of like we must hate our border neighbor. Like it's like what I mean, it's right there. Yeah, yeah, it's tough. I mean, because we have a very just like the secret agent thing must be. There's very little disguise. No, no, no, there's no prep required. Same language, same food, same pop culture. Just just waltz in there. Nobody's going to stop you. Little religious difference, but that's pretty much it. But like I remember because like we joke all the time with eldest albanian and I'm Greek and it's like there is funny. There are still like people who think we're engaged in this like blood feud and there's hilariously occasionally like a skirmish at the border where like two guards will be like fuck fuck albanian like fuck Greece and they'll shoot at each other. But it's not the whole country is constantly keyed up. It's really changed more recently. It's not cool. OK, I'll work for the worst. Oh, no, it's got the other way. Wrong. That's great. No, no, no, no. Well, you know, since we were kids, obviously, first of all, we weren't our history books. Like our history was like these are the people who dislike these people. Like I remember what there was like a trick question and a thing about some like Islamic war that was like how many people from the other side were martyred and the answer was zero. Is there not they want to hell. Marty they were not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you how many died righteously. Their lives were snuffed. That's so funny to be doing like trick questions. It was a trick question. I remember the cleansing and the guy was so proud. It was like one of those tests with the for some reason, the teacher was just going to like walk through and ask each kid a question loud to everybody. And I remember how smug the teacher looked. I remember how smug the kid looked when they got it right. And when I was everyone else was like, there were murmurs of like, pretty good question, pretty good question. Yeah, like like in a courtroom and new evidence is introduced. You know, is that why? Of course, of course, very exciting. I feel like it's changed because for me growing up, I personally did not feel any hatred towards Indian or Indian people. I grew up watching Bollywood movies culturally were the same. Like I truly understood that and we all liked each other, you know. And but now the when I'm mostly off social media, when I'm on the hate, I get is most from like the people you were thinking America and then Indian people. That's the biggest. I do think Indians have really up their online hate. Like they've gotten good at it, man. They're fucking awesome at it. Like so being a Pakistani guy in the middle of like some culture wars, you're kind of like getting it from both sides. Yeah, totally. You know, it's kind of like to me, like I'm married to a white woman. Yeah, that's something both sides. Yeah, everyone. Everyone hates that. No, nobody likes that. Like how did that happen? I get why the right day, but the left also hates it. I'm a white supremacist because I fell in love with a white woman. It's fucking crazy. I mean, truly genuinely. Yeah, it is. Some it's really funny, too, because it's like you can almost chart it with your career, because it's like the movie you literally like. What was like a decade ago? 2017, almost not even a ton, even 10 years ago. The like, like you get an Oscar nomination for a heartwarming story about what's nice about that, about like breaking down, like, yeah, coming together culturally. It's like literally eight years later, people are like, this is fucked up. Yeah, this is white supremacy, propaganda. This is both white supremacy and disgusting race. At the same time, it's gotten fucking crazy. I know. I remember, you know, you do test screenings, right? And I was so involved. I read like every single response. And there were a few that were like, I just I just don't think this kind of thing is good. And I'm like, and you stayed for the whole movie. You thought at the end, maybe everybody loves Raymond. What do you I thought? You know, I was here for Romano. That's right. Great cast for real. Great cast. Yeah, you guys crushed it. But yeah, that is very fucking funny that people were like, yeah. Because that was in the height of like things were I mean, it was the tail. But it was like pretty woke around. Yeah. So I mean, 2016 is the election. And we we make the movie in 2016 going into the election. Then 2017 we debuted at Sundance the day of the inauguration. It was the same as that. That's so fucking funny. Conditions were real nice for us. That's really well, you know, I bet you there was kind of like because there was that was like in the height of the liberal backswing of like we have to support everything that Donald Trump would hate. So I'm sure there were some like oh, yeah, assistant libs that were like, we think this is good. You know what I mean? We love this. They're not even paying attention. They're like, yeah, I'm a good person. Oh, yeah. No, we totally was like, oh, we we're now important. So I'll take it off. Which is tough to be important because you just want to make a personal you just wanted to make a funny movie, a personal funny movie. Exactly, which it is. And that and I can't believe was I felt like it was longer. I think probably because I was just aware of you. What I was trying to say, because when I at the when I was wearing that grad school where, you know, I guess I guess I had gotten pussy by then, but it was close. My senior year of college. I remember because I was aware of both you and Emily. I also like I listened to your video game podcast. The indoor kids, the indoor kids, which I was because I was just trying to find comedians. I remember listening to a different podcast that played a clip of your the cheese bit of a heroin and tile. And I was like, that's this is good stuff. Yeah, yeah. And it was yeah, it was just like fat. You were a fascinating guy because it was like all the trappings of just like good alt comedy, like good joke writing, like whatever, nerdy shit. And then it was also like you you would talk about the bizarre story of how you and Emily because like that is true. The big sick is like, yeah, it's insane that you guys were casually dating. And then she has like a life threatening illness to the point where you have to like meet her family, which that was crazy to me. And then it was interesting to me to like know about a guy who was because you're an immigrant, like I'm an immigrant, too. But you're like you came here for fucking college or 18. You know what I mean? It's like you're an immigrant. As immigrant. Yeah, I'm an immigrant. As immigrant. Yeah, it's totally true. But you went right into that like American apparel hoodie, alt comedy zone. Yeah, I being foreign as fuck. And I just I always I just appreciate I was like, this is a weird interesting guy. Well, it just sort of happened like that. I didn't choose to be alt. Which is that it's just the people I like, the people I thought were really funny. We're just sort of in that world. And in Chicago, I started comedy in Chicago. We didn't really have like alt versus club scene. We just didn't really have a club scene because there was one club in the city and they didn't book us. They Janes, baby. Zanies used to be a strip club. You can feel it happens a lot. You go to a lot of comedy clubs like, you know, this used to be a strip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of polls. Yeah, the lot of bad seats because you're stuck behind a pole. They went from really good seats to really bad. That was the seat you wanted. And now, oh, fuck, I can't see. I can't see Jimmy Pardo's face. I only say that because I saw Jimmy Pardo at Zanies have one of the best sets I've ever seen in my fucking life. When I first started doing comedy, you know, I was sort of, I would get Zanies would let me do guest sets. So. And I would just go and just watch sometimes they let me in. And I remember seeing Jimmy Pardo there riff 45 minutes set. And I was like, I don't think anybody's ever did better than that guy is doing right now. Him and Paul have Tompkins. I saw do like fully riffed sets that I was like, nobody's ever like those have to be like the top 20 sets in the world. But there's also something because I know that feeling of being comedian who's in the guest spot zone that they'll let you. It's also the thing of like, you're so in love with the art form that you're like, there's something so magical about seeing that and being like, whoa, this is possible. And it's like, maybe I can do that someday. It's like the way you think, like, you know, when you first date someone, you're like, this is the most perfect person I've ever met in my life. And then like now you probably would see these same sets and you're like, do some fucking material. You know, like a joke, Pardo. But like at the time, you're like, oh, my God, it is magic. I remember. Yeah. You know, you see like some like road dog in his fifties, who's hammered and hitting on all the waitresses. And you're like, someday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is a perfect life. That was all that was my only aim in life was to make seventy five grand touring be like, like, I could do one nighters in the midwest. I'm not kidding. I'd be so happy. That was like my vision board was like, like just doing that. Yeah. And so, so in Chicago, all we had was the all seemed. And when I moved and the reason I fell into the old scene is I remember Zach Alafonakis, who was like, you know, this is before Hangover. You don't have to tell me. He was I mean, he's still the funniest guy. He came into town to do a show with Will Oldham. He's an incredible musician, Bonnie Principally. He performs under and he was like a big like comedy fan and this local like, I think it was Drag City Records. They're not local. They're a big record label. We're doing a show and I was like, I got to get on that show. So I opened for Zach, that show. And then Zach had me on tour with him. So I toured with Zach. Hell yeah. That's awesome. This was right around the the events of the big six. I had to cancel some shows because I had to be like, hey, my girlfriend's currently in a coma. So just this weekend, find someone else, but I'm going to make it. I'll be there next weekend. I remember when I finally was able to like hit the road with Zach again. He's like, I saw him in his house. Emily, I'm like, she's good. And he's like, and what she had is it contagious? And so and then when I moved to New York, the people that like, I remember I went, there was a show called Invite Them Up at Rafifi that Eugene Merman and Bobby Tisdale used to run. That was like the center of the comedy scene. This tiny bar. You could go and see like people I'd seen on TV one after the other. I saw like Gaffigan there, you know, Aziz, all these people who are like already like well known and Zach just happened to be there. And I mean, he's like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, introduce me to the booker. And I got booked on that show like a month after moving to New York. Cause I was really, really lucky. And then that's how I just got into the old scene. So I never really did club until. Makes sense though. Yeah. I mean, your sensibilities are that's what was interesting. It was like kind of one of those, you know it, but I'm also pretty young, right? I'm talking. I was like 18. And it was like a real like, oh, people are the same everywhere. This is just some fucking dork from Pakistan. It was like, you know, you're in your house. You're talking about like, and this is pre. This is before being jacked. You really were a dork from Pakistan. You were like, I'm still a dork from Pakistan. You still are, but you know, you look, you, it is the funny thing, cause I'm watching this question. I'm like, I think this is the most jack guy who's doing three straight minutes of puns. I don't think I've ever seen a guy with, with triceps like that. That's doing cat pun word play for this long. Which is, you are blazing new, new ground. Doesn't, doesn't sound like a compliment. No, it was. Yeah, the specialist is fucking awesome by the way. Go watch it. It's on Hulu. Yeah, thank you. I believe it's out. We're not very professional here. It's out December 19th. Or it's, yeah, it's either about to be out or it's out right now. Somewhere right here. Yeah, yeah. There are things in life we make more complicated than they need to be. And things that we worry about that we don't need to. Like making tax digital for income tax. SumUp's free MTD for income tax solution is ideal for sole traders turning over more than 50,000 a year. It's already built into the SumUp platform so you can stay compliant without paying for software or worrying about getting it wrong. Did I mention it's free? Getting started is easy. Just search sumupmtd online. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colors of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavors in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy, they're colorful, they're perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Shamelessly promote the rainbow, taste the rainbow. But yeah, I did love the, yeah, it was, it did strike me because it was like, and I didn't realize you didn't do, you just didn't do stand-up for 10 years. You talked about that in the special. Yeah, right around the big fan. Which is crazy. I just assumed, you know, you weren't hitting it like you used to, but it's like, it's crazy to me to think about not doing it for a decade. Yeah, well, I didn't, I just felt creatively satisfied doing other stuff. And you know, when we were shooting Silicon Valley, TJ'd that and I would be like, oh, what's it say doing tonight? I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm gonna go to bed. I just didn't have that kind of energy and I didn't feel the need to do it. I was feeling like creatively satisfied doing what I was getting to do. And it was like a whole new world, you know, like acting and stuff. It was so different from stand-up. And you know, going back to it, I went back in the actor-writer strike because I was like, I gotta do something. That's why I started up again. Fuck you, pussies. You guys are broke. I'm gonna go fucking do a couple one-nighters. I didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make hundreds of dollars. Watch me. You're talking to a guy I just told you who just did the Greensboro Comedy Zone. So I know all about it, baby. Is that a good comedy town, Greensboro? Oh yeah, they call it the Mecca of Western North Carolina. You know what's cool though? It literally is maybe the bottom four city in, I'm sorry, Eastern North Carolina. Yeah, yeah. It is fun though, like when I go to like these small towns and I'll just pop into, people stand-up is popular. No, no, the local comics are funny. They are. Yeah, no, that's actually the reason I did it. I was like, I felt like I was getting too far away from the essence of stand-up. Cause like, I love doing theaters, but it's like, it's that grimy shit. It's being in a place that clearly was a strip club. You're next to, the parking lot is like a business that's like, you just do vinyl flooring. You have a huge warehouse in North Carolina and all you sell is vinyl flooring. It's like, no way. Like how is that? It's all, you know, and you're sharing that. This is where I'm coming to do entertain people. Is like, you know, across street from Marshalls or whatever. Of course, like a strip mall or like inside a mall, the comedy club inside a mall. Those are brutal, but I've gotten real affection for the levity lives of the world. We're like, you know what, let me go hit the Ferris wheel that's also in this mall. Anytime a mall is like an ice rink, they have a comedy club in there too. Let's go check out Yard House. Let's go have a nice Yard House meal. Yeah, it's like, you know, with the high tops, like everything's high tops, like long high tops where you're sitting next to people you don't know. That vibe. Everything is a little too shiny. But because for me, it was always, even though I was doing the alt rooms, I was like, I want to do good in every kind of room. Because I would see comedians in all rooms that I was like, you're very funny. You're only doing well in this room though. Totally, totally. So for me, it was always like, that's why for me, it was always about like writing how short can I get my setups? How many punch lines can I get in a row? How many tags can I get? It was always for me, the structure of a joke and having laugh density in there, like the math of that was always very, very important to me. I also loved the end of the special. You made it very clear that for like, you were like, I'm not an actor doing this. Cause it's true, you usually have to like rape your way out of show business and then you start doing comedy. That happens all the time where you're like, this guy's doing comedy Y and then you're like, let me do a quick Google, ah, X allegations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vulture did a deep dive and found some shit. It's always like, yeah, yeah. I don't know if this guy did stand up and then you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why is this guy actually kind of good at stand up? Yeah, oh I see. Right, right, right, right, right. And so it's like, it is very funny cause you do have to make it clear cause there's no dignified way from going to like movie star to stand up, you have to have already been grandfathered in this stand up. Right, right, right. Cause it's like, if you see fucking Austin Butler do a stand up, something catastrophic happened to him. Back when, you know, all those stories were happening, which obviously great, great that all that happened. There were some websites that I only know, like, oh, you had that one story. Of course. And then you went under, like, but it sustained you for a year. Yes, the economy of a me to think piece. That was really happening. That was happening a lot. That drove traffic. But it's true, it was like, guys who have no business doing stand up are just all of a sudden like, you know, at these, but it's also funny cause you're like, he's not really moving that many tickets. So, wow, he was on a huge show. Well, that's the tricky thing. It's, you kind of, like the audiences are a little different. Like stand up audiences are kind of different from movie audiences. For sure, for sure. And so you kind of, so when I was like touring again, I was like, okay, how do I reintroduce myself as a stand up? How do I tell people like, oh, hey, I actually know how to do this and get those people to buy tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is super interesting. But it was true, cause I remember, it was a surreal, I mean, I'm sure it was much more surreal for you, but it's like, I really felt like I was on the ground floor of like finding you as a comic. And then you blowing up was like, holy fuck, this is awesome. Like it was one of my first like, damn, that's one of my guys who's like now fucking big. Like the big sick was cool. Cause it was like, all right, well, that was his personal story. And then you just kept doing it. And Silicon Valley was awesome. And it was very, it was like, I am fascinated by that. Where it's like, did it feel fucking insane to just, cause 10 years, no stand up. Was it like nonstop? Did you just feel like in the middle of like a little tornado? Cause just I'm on a much smaller scale of that shit. And I'm like, this is, I feel insane every day. I, we're like every day is like something bizarre in you. And I can't imagine like, cause you got to the fucking, you know, shit just kept going crazy. I was very aware at the time I was like, a thing is happening right now. I have access to opportunities that I've not had access to. And I may not have access to these opportunities for a long time, especially happens with comedy people where they get like a two years. I could name them. Totally. There's a little window and then it goes away. And you don't really get to control very much how long that window stays open cause you get opportunities. You make the best decisions you can, giving the things, you know, like someone like your ghost asked you, that's amazing. It's out of your control though. Like totally was where I was like, I told everybody, I was like, I'm done. I'm going to fucking kill myself. I keep working. I need a year off. And I made a list of people that was hilarious. It was like, you know, he was on it. I'm like, I guess if Martin scores easier, Paul Thomas and I was like, I guess that. And Yorga, Yorga's one of those people. And then they call me. I was like, shut, I literally, it's lucky that you got not lucky. You deserve it. It's all great. But I could also imagine getting a call from someone who's not on the list. And you're like, they could have been on the list. Yeah. You know what? I totally forgot to put that guy on the list. I should probably go do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, fucking the guy you did rush hour two. Stone? Fucking what the fuck is his name? That was a banger. Rush hour two was a banger. Who was it? Brett Ratner. I'm like, Brett Ratner, I gotta take Ratner. It's called Speaking of Fucking, Rape Your Way Outta Show Business. But I was like, I gotta take his call. He's on the come up. He's got to be a part of the comeback. Oh, Weinstein's producing something from jail? I think I can play a fat idiot in that. Oh yeah, I'll be a fat guy that Mel Gibson kills in one of his Republican revenge movies, which are awesome. Shout out to fucking Cell. Republican revenge movies. Drag the cross concrete. Vince Vaughn's got bangers, dude. The Anger. Brolin Cellblock 99. The Anger that animates them, I think is what. They're so good, dude. Those movies are fucking awesome. I love, it's like, yes, this is actually a great like vehicle for this anger. And there's like a whole, like, there's like a history of deathwish and all those, you know, where they're just like killing gang members for very extra judicial ways. I love it too, because they go through pains to be like, he's not racist though. Like they have, like he's a skinner who has like black friends. Yeah, he's nice to the coffee guy who's black. We got, it's like the save the cat, but it's tip the black. They do a little tip the black in the beginning and then you just go kill a bunch of black people and it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm so, yeah, it was anyway, great, great stuff. But yeah, I don't know, do you? So I was very aware, you know, it was, it felt, I understood that it was crazy, but part of you, and I'm sure you had this, where you have to convince yourself it's not crazy so you could be like, I should be here. I deserve to be here, that stuff, not in an arrogant way, but just in a way so you don't fucking freak out and have panic attacks. Oh yeah, dude, my first, like, I have to do a scene with Jesse Plemons. He's so good. How fucking insane that is. I talked about it before, but I was like, there was takes where it took me like seven seconds to start my lines, so I'm like, damn, this guy's fucking good. When I saw that movie, what's the movie about like the Civil War with him and Kirsten Depp? Civil War. Civil War. It's not called Civil War. It's called Civil War. That movie's called Civil War. Yeah. What's the movie? Not the one with Captain America. No, no, no, no, no, no. Are we sure it's called Civil War? It's called Civil War. I just watched it a couple months ago. It's called Civil War. What's that name of the big bird that's yellow on Sesame Street? Yeah. The, you know, the movie about the ship, the titan, it's like sailing the Titanic. Yeah. What's the movie that called Forrest Gump in it? Civil War. Yeah. He's out of control. I'm running to him here and there. He's such a nice guy. Kirsten Dunst is so nice. I'm not friends with them, but I run into them. But in that, he's like, that got that scene where he's so scary. And at some party, I want to go up to him and be like, because he's so calm and normal and he's fucking terrifying. I want to be like, how did you do that? What was that? Because you're not screaming. You're not doing anything. No, no, no. It's fucking terrifying. It's a quiet menace. Yeah. Because you know he's, it's just like, he's projecting how sure of himself he is in a way that's like truly terrifying. And it's, that's a hard thing to do. It's hard. To the subtext of a guy being like, everything I say, you have to take seriously. Right. There is no bluffing. In fact, I'm way scarier than I'm leading on. Yeah, it's like Christoph Walt in the beginning of the glorious bastards. Where we didn't know it was working. And it's suddenly like, he's speaking very politely. Yeah, but I've never been so scared. Yeah, what's going on? And that was awesome too. Because it's like, we had no idea who that guy was. Some fucking German guy. Say, what the fuck is this? I was, yeah, I was like, I thought Brad Pitt is gonna, like, where's Brad Pitt? What are these two foreigners starting this movie? Why is this one act play? Did you trick the audience with movies? And then very quickly the gun started. Thank God. Yeah. Have you seen, there's a weird backlash now to Inglorious Bastards? Like they call it like Jew propaganda and all this stuff. Are you serious? It's crazy. I was just looking about it today. That's crazy. There's a big thing where they're like, oh, it's like, I saw it, they called it Talmudic propaganda. Oh my God. It's like, you looked up a new word for this. That is good racism. It's also like, the fellas, I'm not trying to counsel racist, but it's like, leave Nazis go. You're not winning. That's your worst point. That is like, you couldn't even, like, although to their credit, they're like, if we get Nazis approved, we can run. I think that's probably what's going on. I think that what we can do is, there's like, if bifurcated, like they're like, all right, 5% of us are gonna work on this project. You guys are shooting the moon. You guys are doing the Hail Marys. It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. But what if they get a shot? It's buying the racist powerball. I would say, it's totally true. That's exactly right. 5% of you are getting for it. You know, like, if you, it's not gonna work. But if it does. The other 95% got it easy. All this vintage SS stuff in our closet. We can start wearing it. You know, it's good. Yeah, it is, it's fucking, I mean, that, there's also what they do is then everybody else gets to be like, well, we're not that guy. Of course. No, no, that's a big problem. And it's like, the second, it's crazy we have to say this, but it's like, I am against any media that speaks highly of Nazis. Right, right, right. I wanna be clear on that. But it's fucked up that that is something where you're like, they really are doing that. However, should they be getting married? These two types of people? The like, the openly saying rate, like they're like, what we were joking about earlier about race mix, they're literally saying shit like that. The word race mixing is never been used in a good context. No, and it's, it's, they literally unfroze it from fucking 1964. They and Ceno man that back. They really did. There's a lot of Enceno being racist. There's a lot going on. Look at this. You thought this was for like video games and horror movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Yeah, that's, I haven't seen that particular one, but it doesn't surprise me. Well, you know what? Emily was like big in the punk scene in North Carolina in like the nineties. And the punk scene has a big like white supremacist contingent. You know about this? I knew, I thought of punks more as like, they actually would fuck Nazis up. But I guess it was like, Well, those are most of them, but there was, there was like, and so she says, she's has stories of like, you know, house parties where Nazis show up and then they fucking kick them out. Have you seen the movie Green Room? Yes. That stuff is real. Like the color coded laces. That's what I love about racist too. Is there like, we got to be color coordinated. I know there is, it is funny how like, like, prim and proper some racists are. Where they're just like, Well, you know, that was that thing that was happening. We were talking about like 2016 or whatever, where they had the Nazi haircut back. And they were like, I don't even remember their names. We're like, New York Times did profiles on them where they were like, this Nazis actually even really well dressed. Well, they were always very well dressed. Their uniforms are great. Styling was never the problem. I mean, Rave Fines looks good in that movie. It looks awesome. No, no, the iconography is really. It's a sharp silhouette. It is good. Absolutely. And we could keep the silhouettes and leave the ideology. Yeah. We could do that. I mean, all the all the Linsegna's look cool. It's like that eagle thing, whatever. I mean, don't believe this in, but swastika is a good looking symbol. That is good graphic design. A swastika? Good graphic design. I mean, they did ironically, didn't they take it from what is it? Yeah, Hinduism I think, where it's like flip. And I think it's turned a little bit. That's my favorite thing that some of us are like. Actory means peace. It's a symbol of peace. It's a symbol of peace when the scariest guy you've ever seen has it in the middle of his forehead. Right. He's trying to be peaceful, you fucking idiots. Yeah, it is fucking hilarious. It is good graphic design. You know, hopefully that stops. I'd love for this kind of weird white supremacist thing going on to end. That would be fucking awesome. But you know, I'm not betting on it. No. No, I'm not. You know, we'll see. Look, again, go back, just make revenge movies. Yeah. Put it all in there. That's a good lane for you guys. It's great. Death Wish is really like, yeah, I mean, some of my favorite movies, you look at Cobra, I go back to, it's a complete fascist fantasy. It's incredible. The Stolkara? Cobra? I had a poster of Cobra in my room. Cobra fucking world. I feel like that movie's a little forgotten. Isn't his name in it like John Cobraity or something like that? Cobraity. Yeah. Right, his big name is Cobra. You know what I love also? Where they made a big deal out of the name of the characters where like, there were all these comedies in the 80s and 90s where the trailer was like, Stan Lipsitz has a problem. You know? Or no, it'll be like Stan Lipsitz has the perfect life. A great life. You know what, they really like the full first name, last name being a big part of the campaign. I miss that. Commando John Matrix. John Matrix. They have some great names. Casey Ryback is under siege is Seagal. Is that right? Yeah, dude. Casey under siege. Absolute banger. Of course. All of the, the other thing I liked about Seagal was like his first three movies were all like Steven Seagal is marked for death. Steven Seagal is, I think, above the law. Steven Seagal. And there was one I'm forgetting. Under siege. Yeah. Yeah, under siege. And then what was the one we watched? All this? Steven Seagal is eating a lot. I think it was marked. Yeah, yeah. I think it was marked for death. He was a chef and what was the one? Was that under siege? That was under siege. He's a chef. He's a chef. Yeah, yeah. I buy that. And that's why, you know, he had to go there because he was too sick. He was too fucking awesome. He was too dangerous, but the Navy let him stay as a chef. And that's why they were like, well, it's just the chef. Who cares? But little did they know that was no ordinary chef. That guy's had a solid pivot, I would say, in real life. Absolutely. He's really gone. He is interesting. He is kind of like a medieval figure where it's like he's going from like strong monarch to he's going in the court. Now he's in literally the court of Vladimir Putin. He went from being like a world famous entertainer in America to like that's like an old fashioned thing where it was like a famous entertainer would go to different kings and be like, will you give me a little palace? Oh, is that right? I feel like that's like a classic. Oh, he's literally in the court. You have been a factor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does propaganda for him, talks about how fucking cool he is. Yeah. I, you know, I respect him for that. He knows what he's doing. And I'm still look, we watch a lot of seagull around here. Have you do you think you'll ever get because you've kept, you know, you stay you stay jacked. Do you think you'll go action movie? You know, like, I know you've done like, you know, like, I mean, you've played the, the not jacked guy, Stuber. Yeah, I'm not jacked guy who's thrust into. Yeah, yeah, jacked. But now it's like, you know, have you thought about going back? I would like to. I'm actually trying to lose weight and muscle some because, you know, the hard thing is I am jacked, but I don't have the vibe of a jack. Yeah, yeah. Like I don't meanest comment I've ever gotten because it's true. Someone was like, well, his voice didn't get up. I was like, yeah, that is true. I don't have the vibe. I have a vibe of the vibe of a dork from Pakistan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is cool. And I do. That's another not to spoil the special, but one of my favorite lines was just like, I'm the first guy who ever got shit for getting jacked. I was like, you're so right. No one has ever. I mean, look at my comments. They're like, you know, fat piece of shit, whatever. It's like to get jacked and people getting pissed off is so fucking funny. Such a, yeah, I do talk about it. It's so crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying not to be. Well, there is, you know, listen, I don't want to get into it, but there is a little bit of like staying your lane. Yeah, absolutely. It thinks it can do this. Of course it can't. Well, also, I think part of it is like no one thinks about South Asian guys as jacked guys. I think that's part of it here. I mean, if you look at Bollywood, those guys fucking jacked. But here is one of the greatest movies of all time. If you like that, I could give you a list of like awesome, like Bollywood. Yeah, yeah, I grew up watching him. I still watch him. Yeah, I love I'm fascinated by that guy who's like the most famous guy on earth. Who's like Shah Rukh Khan. Yeah, yeah. And you can see the aura is unbelievable. Like I don't know anything about him. You just see a still image of him. You're like, who's that? That head of hair is like that's like piercing. Brown. Yeah. And I've been a big fan of what's cool about him is that he started off. He started off doing like character in movies. So he did a rom-com and then he did this thing that nobody was doing. This is back like eighties, nineties that nobody was doing where the actors were like good guys and the actors were bad. There were actors who were good guys, actors who were bad guys. And he did two back to back movies as a leading romantic lead, who suddenly did like two psychopaths. And that put him in a whole other category and nobody was doing that. You know, like Tom Cruise, other than Magnolia, never really never played a bad guy. Collateral. That's a good movie. Yeah, the one of the collateral is one of the best movies. And you see Tom, you're like, yes, you're like, holy fuck, Tom Cruise. That was the beginning for me of like, I always like Tom Cruise, but I saw that I was like, he's the fucking man. Yeah. And I wish that hair, great hair, such great hair. And I'm kind of I'm very hopeful. Like he's in that in a reto movie. I'm really hopeful that he after Mission Impossible, he does some interesting. He does some pivot. I think he will. He's got he loves movies too much. Great intensity and presence. By the way, the big sick has a lot of driving scenes of her in the back, me in the front. Yeah. Those are in there because of collateral, because I love those scenes with Jamie Foxx and Jada Pinkett. I was like, just looks so fucking cool. Yeah, totally, totally stole it from that. We should have had a little. Yes, that thing should have had a postcard of you like doing. Sunday I'll go here with big like rubber bands around it. Big cab driver rubber bands. Where are they getting those rubber bands? Those are sturdy. Yeah, no, totally 100 percent from the. And I said to like, I was like, I know car scenes are a fucking pin in the astro shoot. But this thing where you can look at her through the rear view mirror and they look through, you just see the eyes back and forth. It's so exciting. It gives you an opportunity to act as the person because like you're not face to face with them. And so there are like you get private moments in the middle of a conversation. Just look up there. Look at you. It's very exciting. And that is 100 percent from collateral. Interesting. Yeah, Tom Cruise is interesting because it's like he did do mission. And I love the Mission Impossible movies, but it's like. I do. You kind of give so much of your he like that was like over a day. Like the first one came out in the 90s. Right. Yeah, the Palma. It was like the Palma. And now it's like 90s. It's like 20 years, which is is there a part like. Is there a party that's like. Man, because you were signing. You were clearly going for it was going to be like, oh, this will be my if like the Marvel shit takes off because I saw you talking about it. We were like, this is my life for a decade. Yeah, is there a party that's like. That seemed like a lot like are you kind of happy you're not in the like. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, yeah. By now, I've been like four Marvel movies. What a bummer. Oh, my God. This guy's movies have made two billion at the box office. But you know what? Money. Yeah, with my luck, that would be the backlash of that. Yeah, this guy's movies are making too much money. Fuck that guy. No, because, you know, if you do one of those a year, the rest of the year, you could do whatever you want. And suddenly, you know, I can make like 10 million dollar movies that with my name get made. Just, you know, like, you could like, like, look at Sebastian Stan, right? Like he's a great point. That's great Marvel movies. And then there's really interesting stuff on the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is no there is no downside to being successful. Stavros. I'm trying to convince. I'm really trying to stop getting more like I'm just like I was really hoping you'd be like, yes, it's a prison. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm so much happier now. No, that would have been great. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, my God. That's a good point. The Sebastian Stan comp is a good point. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I do think like some real talents have given a lot of their life. Sure. Sure. 100%. And I think there are people in those movies who just don't like those kinds of movies. That's a good point. And so that's probably comic book guy. I love those movies. I love comic book movies. I love, you know, I love like those big action things I was watching the new Jurassic Park on the plane on the way over and I was fucking loving it. I couldn't finish it because the plane was landing. I didn't need it to take a nap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it sounds like you're really committed to these kinds of movies. I made it. I was watching it on my phone. No, no, no. No, I feel like I do watch Emily watches things on her phone. I never do. I don't watch things on my laptop. It's always that the only exception is airplanes. Yeah, I watch. But I do think you really locked in on an airplane. I agree. I think that's a good viewing experience. It is. Especially if you're doing something like like a more like a comedy is great because it's about the writing. It's about the vibe. Yeah. I one of my friends was like, I was telling the story about how I was in London and I had like a week. I had a couple of days off and they happened to be playing space Odyssey, like on film on like 70 millimeter. I was like, holy fuck. And I had seen it, but it was like seeing it like that. I was like, dude, have you ever seen like you should go see it? He was like, I tried watching it on a plane once. No. And I can't think of a worse movie. No, you can't do that. You don't fucking play. It's all about the spectacle. Yeah. And it's just like you're fucking immersed in it. I like movies like that. I feel like our problem on a plane, but a nice low budget action movie, a nice comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are fun on it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Some superhero like a superhero movie you're not that into. It's like that's always fun because they're perfect. They're very entertaining. I cannot wait to finish Jurassic Park on this plane back. You know, what's your OK, let's we both you love movies. I do. Yeah, they're my favorite thing in the world. One of my favorite movie going experiences you just reminded me was not that long ago at the arc light, the dome, which is now closed, which is like one of the best theaters in the in the country. I went and I watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Oh, yeah. And I was vibrating after. I was like, this is going to ruin the next five like things I write because then you're like, oh, it should all be like that. And it can't all be like that. Yeah. And there really is something to the experience of I do think, unfortunately, movies are going to get a little more niche like the cinema going to an actual theater. Unfortunately, is just not. It's going to be it's going to be like like being a cinephile now feels like when I was growing up, being into like records, you know, I mean, for like young kids, it's like almost like a retro thing. Yeah. But I will say I hope that at least one silver lining is that people go in on seeing classics. Like that starts coming back more because it is coming back more because people are going to see them. I saw Backman Returns in the theaters like a couple of months ago here in New York. That movie is so fucking incredible. Weird. Yeah. That is like Penguin is the lead of that movie. It's his story. All the actors. Batman is not. Batman barely barely like they put him in it at the very beginning because it's like, all right, but then he's not. He's not really in it. It's all Catwoman. She's awesome. She's so hot. She's so incredible. I love the scene where Danny DeVito is like just giving like a speech to an amphitheater of penguins. He's addressing Penguins. I mean, he does make some good points. Yeah, talking back. I also love the fish. A real fish in front of some. Dude, it's he. It's when Matt Schrack, who is Christopher Walk and brings him out because he's like, this guy's got to run for mayor and win and they bring him down and he doesn't know he's going to be at like this big party. It's like he's like coming out like this is the new candidate and he's literally eating a raw fish with black good dripping from his mouth and everyone looks at me and he's like, yeah, we should vote for that guy. What a great movie. A pretty, a pretty subtle metaphor. You know what? For politicians. You know what's interesting that I hadn't thought of obviously movie, you know, it's we're in like a tough time right now. But someone said to me, they were like, there's always it's back and forth in terms of like commercial stuff that's not good and then like artsy stuff that is. So like the all the movies in the seventies, like, you know, we were a taxi driver. That whole Hollywood stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Was a reaction to musicals were the biggest thing for a long time. Right. And so that was a reaction to that. And then the eighties and the nineties with all the action movies we're talking about were kind of an adjustment from those very grounded. Yes. Yeah. Then like we came over the top and then in the late nineties, 2000s, there were all those indie movies that got big, which was a reaction to that. So like, you know, swingers and Little Miss Sunshine, all those movies. So right now we're in like the superhero big spectacle phase. And hopefully, and I love those movies. There'll be a reaction to that where we get more like, you know, the stuff that your ghost makes and that kind of stuff, some sort of reaction to that will happen. And hopefully those movies will will do well and be interesting. Yeah. I mean, my my worry is that it's just such a. Just as an industry at shrinking, unfortunately, I do think my theory and my hope, because this is kind of where I'm at, is like, I think hopefully somebody just starts letting people make five million dollar movies, three million dollars. Like somebody starts making 10 of those instead of making one. I could not agree. A million dollar thing, make fucking 10, eight million dollar movies. I could not agree. And one of them is going to be a hit. And so that's my hope. And I also feel like a lot of I feel like I see a lot of people that kind of are contemporaries of mine that like a lot of internet people are do want to move on to movies more than they want to do TV in an interesting way. I think a lot of people it gives them kind of more. From my perspective, I don't want a job. TV is a job. Yeah. Movie is like a cool project you work on for you do like three months and then you're down. Yeah. Yeah. And even if you're writing it, let's say it's a year of your life, a year and a half. It's like your laser focused. I feel like a lot of people have come of age looking at shit like that. So I hope that the big swing is like, you know, sorry, baby's a great example. Have you seen that movie? No, Emily's thought. Yeah, she loved it. And and it's like that's someone who I knew from like internet. Internet videos. She had great or they I'm not sure I'm not exactly. I don't want to be fucking offensive. I think they but like Ava Victor like just was making internet videos that were fun. But you and you could see there was something to the creative output. But that to make that your first feature was like, I was like, holy fuck, this is what I'm sweating. I mean, the other thing I hope there's a lot of I don't know. That's my guess of like, because, you know, I hope that happens. I want to make like a movie that's made a little movie, but it's like I'd love to make like something with a little more money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's pretty small and like, you know, that's what I'm trying to do. I have a movie that I'm going to direct. If you're looking like I'll get to do it next year. Make it as cheap as possible. Yeah, I think the advantage of movies to TV is with movie, you know, what you want to say, story you want to tell, you're like, this is the beginning, middle and end. I want to watch these characters do on this go on this journey. It ends right here with TV. It's a lot of like, all right, season two. What do we do now? Well, you got to like keep coming up with stuff. Well, it's particularly the way America does TV, where it's like like Greek TV, like watching that growing up. We got satellite pretty young. And then even you see it like London, you know, British stuff. It's like those are a lot of them have ends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I would do six episodes a season. And now America, not only that, but it's like they've put they put we've started pretending we're doing limited series. And they just like, why the fuck is there so many seasons of white lotus? Part of the thing was it was a limited series task I love. But it would like I would kind of be pissed if they came back. Because it's like you lied to me about this being one story. You know what I mean? It's like and I don't know that's because a lot of TV in America is like, all right, let's just keep selling fucking come right like, well, I mean, you know, when you pitch a show now, you have to tell them what's going to happen in like season four and five. And it feels which is hilarious. It's like, you're not letting me get this. Yeah, you're getting canceled. Yeah. If we get to one, it's a fucking homerun. What are you talking about? It's it's it's it's all it's so weird. Like so, you know, you go and pitch a show and you've already a Bible that tells you what's happening like season four or five. And it's all feels so like made up anyway. You're like, I have a new TV show. It's going to be this. It's so stupid. And then to be like and then seven years from now, this is what's going to be happening on it. It's all which blow my brains out. I have to know what I'm doing in eight years. That seems like you just have to prove that you could. Yeah. And then you just have to lie. So they give you money like we were talking about before we started. Nobody knows what they're doing. No, no one knows. Yeah, least of all our callers. Great segue. Eldest, why don't we do some we have a man with a wealth of life experiences? And I think it's time that we, you know, see what he see. What do you say to our our bedraggled, our lost callers? Keep the cuddles and lose the mess with advantage, chewable. Just one tasty tablet kills please and ticks for a whole month. No mess, no stress. Just one tasty chew. Advantage, chewable. Flee and tick protection made easy. Find out more at advantage, chewable.co.uk. Easy to love, easy to protect. Advantage, chewable. Therapy Clinic, one of Europe's leading aesthetic clinics has arrived in Cheltenham with over 100,000 five star reviews and more than 10 million treatments performed. Therapy are industry leaders in laser hair removal, cosmetic injections and advanced skin treatments with over 85 clinics globally and a team of more than 200 doctors. Therapy deliver safe doctor led treatments at accessible prices. For verification, head to therapyclinic.com or visit therapyclinic.cheltenham today located on the high street. What's up, staff, Eldest, guest. So my issue is back in high school, one of my best friends, and he's part of our whole friend group. I slept with his little sister. How little. He's like, she was in middle school. I mean, it's high school, so any little is getting close. It's little stuff in high school. I hope he graduated, you know what I mean? But let's let him finish. From that point on, we haven't talked at all. That has been about eight years. Holy shit. Now, and he still will not talk to me. The friend group is basically split where they'll either hang out with him or they'll hang out with me, but we haven't all hung out together ever since this happened. And back in high school when it happened and he found out, I apologize. I like the passive use of it happen. You did it. You know, like how a police bullet struck a child. Yeah, exactly that. Yeah, this person died in an altercation. Oh, yeah, they had a heart attack. You know, maybe it wasn't the best apology. Oh, man. Probably lose the word maybe. Yeah, that's awesome. Sorry about your sister, dude. Not making that kind of thing. He didn't do anything. And even over the years, I've seen him a couple of times and one time he was drunk. We were at a party and he saw me and he tried to start a fight with me. But nothing really happened. Awesome. It's on site because you fucked. But anyway, I'm kind of wondering if there's anything I can do to mend the relationship, at least enough so that our whole friend group can hang out again. Friend group. You know what? Any advice that you guys have would be helpful. You're like out of high school long enough that phrase it like friend group should not be. It's time to move on. Well, yeah, this is insane because he's like, all right, it happened in high school. So we're going to say. He was in high school. I'm going to say, yes, exactly. I'm going to say he's 17. The little sister is, she got held back a grade. She's a 16 year old sophomore. We're just going to say that for our peace of mind. Right. We know let's not get too much mad off the table. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So let's say this happens when this guy's 17, eight years later that he is 25. And he's still your high school friend group is still hanging out. Not to be not to call you a fucking loser, but you got bigger issues. You got up a five. The fact that we're talking about a hookup from high school as a 25 year old, as a guy who's been out of college ostensibly at, you know, if you even went to college, you're you're out of it for three to four years. It's like, yeah, you're an adult. This is crazy. The problem is not that you fucked like your friend's little sister or whatever. The problem is that you are letting this is like a guy who keeps talking about how good he was at football in high school. You're just stuck in being in high school. It's not a real problem. It seems to me and I don't want to generalize. It feels like a little bit of a small town vibe. To me, I agree, which and I'm, you know, Emily's from a small town and it's interesting to go back. Like we're in our forties now we go back and they never stopped hanging out with from like, so now they've been hanging out for 30 years. It's so much baggage. I mean, look, we literally went to preschool together, but but we both moved together. Like we left. No, I'm not saying this, but I know what you mean. This this makes more sense in the context of small town where, you know, you didn't nobody goes. You're running into each other at fud rockers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still holding on, you know, fud rockers time to move on. Fine. Yeah. Fud rockers. Go to Ruby Tuesday. You're now you have to go to Ruby Tuesdays now. You're out of fud rockers. Eldest, what do you think? I said, I think the problem is too. It's not just that it's not that like necessarily that they're hanging out with their high school crew still, but it's like the problem is this guy has made up his mind. He fucking hates you. Yeah. He like hasn't talked to you for eight years. It's not like, you know, you're not going to bury the hatchet now. He's like moved on. That's more time than you were friends. Yeah. Eight years. For sure. When you started 17, you've been enemies longer than you've been friends. Yeah. To him, he hates you more than yeah. It's he's been and he's not budging. And it's like also this. Yeah. It's like, I don't know what to tell you, buddy. Anything to mend. No. No, also what happened to me? The other thing is like, what happened? Because he said he slept with his sister. It's like what have we haven't heard her mentioned once? No, I know exactly. She's just like bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like is there more to this? Like was she in love with you and you were like, I just kind of want to get my dick sucked. I don't care. Like there's more to this. She's like, she got pregnant. I made her use her babysitting money to get an abortion, but I drove her. I drove her. I didn't even ask for gas money. Fucking bitch. And like, yeah, it's like there, I think there is more to this story. It's like, what happened to the sister? Were you like dating? Because it's like, yeah, what does she, how does she feel about all of this? Totally. Like she pissed at her brother for being upset at the guy that you hooked up with. Like she's like a non-factor through this whole thing. I don't like that's the part of this. That's what's making me not totally sympathetic to you is like, you haven't mentioned her at all. She's just a pawn in this friendship game. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, great. I fucked this girl and now I don't get to smoke, blunts and watch Aquatine Hunger Force with Roy. It's like, what? What happened to her, dude? Like, so I don't know. Either way though, this guy doesn't give a fuck. Time to have a fun. He fucking hates you. It's over. And but let, maybe let this be a, you also didn't really do anything wrong as long as you treated her well. And whatever the edge gap is. And yeah, exactly. That's right. We are, we are going under the assumption that you, they were Irish twins. He was a year older than you. Irish twins. She's a month younger than you. The phrase little sister is tough. Little sister is tough to hear. The fact that he's just throwing it around is not good. Fuck this little sister in high school. Little sister is tough. It's a brutal sentence. Little sister, not younger sister. Younger. Yeah, yeah. Little implies. Sister. Sister. You know? Fuck this sister. Yeah. But yeah, it's, this is kind of a foreign. You think the phrase little sister factored into the apology that he thinks maybe wasn't good? I bet it did. He's like, I bought her some more, some squish mellows. Why are you being so weird about this? There are some very key factors. We were actually not sure we can even sign off on candy cigarettes afterwards. I offered her Turkish blue. Exactly. He gave me candy cigarettes. I got her Hawaiian punch afterwards. He was mad. She was too hyper because I fed her all this sugar. She wouldn't go to sleep afterwards. So yeah, dude, I don't know. Eight years is just, this is, it's so over. It's over. In, to a crazy degree. And yeah, this is a weird reason to have to start a new life. But also the friend group maintaining this fractured, you guys are living in like, you have, the harder thing is you have frozen your high school dynamics and carbonite here. You have made it so that you, none of you can grow up because this is some kind of shit that you do when you're 20. A friend group doesn't hang out with, doesn't get custody of a different friend. Yeah. For in your mid 20s, yeah, people just go grow the fuck up. Yeah. You gotta, you gotta leave. You've been exiled basically. I could not imagine. All I wanted to do was get away from high school. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And you have made, you have ensured that you are stuck in high school forever. And this is a big thing. It's like, this is a good lesson for you to learn. It's like, yeah, sometimes you fuck up and sometimes the blowback you don't necessarily deserve. But instead of stewing over it, move on with your life, start something different. Yes. You know, hopefully again, we are all under the assumption that you didn't do anything. Hey, this here. And if you didn't just move on, it's over. Fuck it, dude. It's like, you're never, this guy's never going to be your friend again. And by the way, as long as you treat her well, whatever, he's being completely ridiculous. Well, there is that thing of like, you know, guys have with their like sisters and stuff. Where it's like, I have to protect her honor, which is a whole other problematic thing. Totally. But also that's not the guy who called us. This is the guy who called us. Yeah. And yeah, it's time to move on. Time to move on. Hilarious. Yeah. I really hope. Anyway, next question. Hi, Stavie baby. Hi, Eldest. Hi, Steve guest. I'm calling with a sexual question. What if she's like, my older brother's friend fucked me and it ruined their group. And I'm just trying to get some dick again. Guest, I'm calling with a sexual question. Nice. My husband has a number of different illnesses, just chronic pain, TMJ as she is. TMJ, Joel. So eating pussy is like really strenuous for him, you know, fucking is just kind of hard in general. He's also on like anti-depressants. So it's also like, it's hard. Yeah, that's tough. Anyways, I like want to initiate sex in a way that's like not as physically taxing on him. I don't want him to feel emasculated. It's to ask him like, hey, can I just like, you just lay there and I just use you. Like, I guess it's kind of hot, but like, I just want to know if there are ways of fucking that are like less strenuous on the male body. I know you're a sexual dynamo. But I wouldn't know, sister. I'm giving 110% every time. I'm throwing my back out. I'm leaving nothing on the floor. I'm playing like a 16 seed versus Duke. This is my only time. This is the only time I'm being televised. So I got to, so I really got to make it count. That's right. So I wouldn't know. Yeah. If I got a contract, it's from this one game. I'm sure you have times when you just like want to chill out unless the girl do all the work. Yeah, that's awesome. I love giving him that. That's my problem. I do that as often as he'll let me. But you know, I would like to get my nut as well. Of course. And like I said before, I know him giving me had it just hurts with his TMJ. And yeah, it's chronic pain issues. Yeah. I like that this guy's problem is his mouth hurts, but his dick doesn't work. Yeah, I know. That's a tough combo. I at least could rely on my mouth. For the many years I was too fat for my dick to ever get over 65% hard. Which we're out of now folks. Okay. We're at 100. Well, let's not get crazy. I don't know about 100. 90s. We're in the 90s with regularity. That's all okay. Yeah. Is there more? No, I think there's a little more, but that's a just. Well, so there's a lot to parse through there. First of all, I totally do sympathize with her and with him obviously. He's good stuff. I mean, here's, this is maybe not the right thing to say because I do, if someone, you know, if my wife to me was like, I don't want you to do anything, I'm going to take care of it. Love that. Obviously very exciting. Yeah. There are medical interventions that could help because it seems like he has issues with, because of his antidepressants that he's got issues with ED. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There are medications for that. Or you just can't bust. I feel like a lot of people on Lexa Pro or whatever just can't nut. But the thing is, and there's no shame in this, doctors will give you medication that will help with libido, that'll help with ED. Like that stuff exists. And you just got to be, the hard thing is, I would assume that if you don't have a libido, you're not missing anything. So that's kind of like nothing that you think you need to fix. Right. But there are medications that help with all of that. TMJ, you know, there's stuff you could do to help that. People get Botox injections in their jaw to relax. A lot of TMJ comes from stress and stuff. There's stress that you could do to lessen your stress, yoga, all this stuff. There are medical things that you can encourage him to do that would take, that would, I think, alleviate some of this stuff. Yeah. You could do that. I'm saying maybe you get a sex swing and he pushes you on it like you're a little kid. Or it's like the George Clooney in a burn after reading sex swing. He could just kind of push her on and off and it can fuck you. That's right. You know, you could do that. Kumail's like, it gets real like medical advice. I'm like, what kind of fuck toys can we get? Swinging and fucking like a little kid. Yeah. But we get each to each have our lint. Can he have, okay, for like, what about those like vibrators that he can control from of his phone? He could just be lounging and just fucking put the intensity up. You know what I mean? Like, I honestly think this guy needs to take a mech suit approach to fucking where it's like, let's get as many sex toys in the mix as possible. Whatever you can. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, put a cock, put a vibrating cock ring on him while he's just laying there. Yeah. Let him fucking man a dildo. Let him do. I think that's he needs to look at himself as Iron Man. You know, and he's just like, this is just a starting point. Yeah. What can you layer on top of this? Yeah. If she wants to get his get it. And also, I think that can make him feel like he's kind of in the mix a little more, you know, instead of just laying there. Because I do think, yes, right. Someone is a little masculine, but like just laid there. It's like, is that awesome every once in a while? Of course. Somebody be like, lay back. I'll do everything. It's like, yeah, but it's also like, he might want to fucking really he maybe he's sad because he can't fuck the way he dreams of fucking. And I bet I think that's part of it. I think he feels like he's not good at fucking so he doesn't want to fuck. So he's not good at fucking so he doesn't want to fuck. It feels like it's like a cycle. It's a cycle. So anything to get him to get him back in the zone, I think like, yeah, let it, you know, introduce him. I really look at it as like, get some get some help, you know, with some vibrators and some fucking wild shit, get crazy with it. Yeah. Because I think a big thing with sex, obviously, is intimacy is how you're connecting with your partner in a deep way that nobody else is. Obviously, you know, there's like romance and stuff to it. But there's also like sex can be vulnerable. So I think that's what she obviously wants to get her nut, as she said. But there's also like a whole other thing that goes off the table that really can hurt relationships. I truly believe and you know, I've got friends who are in all kinds of poly situations right now and stuff. It's tough. Not going to work. I don't think it works. It's cheating. It's like approved cheating, which is great. I have no problem with it. And it just isn't sustainable. Exactly. I don't I don't really believe it. I don't think you can do it. More than gay guys. They tip my hat to them. They got to figure it out. Whatever they did. Right. The gay dudes are crushing. Like my gay friends, like you talked to some of my gay friends about the concept of cheating and they laugh at you. Yeah. Like it's like, like it's the way we talk to little kids who are stressed about Santa Claus. Yeah. Or they're like, cheating is not real. Like to them, it's like you can't cheat. It's like anyway, whatever. But I know what you mean. It's like so many people try and figure it out by some outside shit. Yeah. And I think, by the way, it can be fun if a couple is into that. If they want to if they want to dabble, whatever. If you want to I've said many times, my dream would be if I marry a bi lady and every once in a while we get to fuck a lady once in a while together as a team building opportunity. Right. I think that's exactly it. I feel like a sexless couple, sexless, romantic couple. I truly believe cannot survive. I agree. So I think it is important. I'm glad that she's like we're connected. I think it's important. Yeah. And yeah. So I think that's yeah, be connected. Look, have I was I mean, I had crazy like they hear my life where I was addicted to every substance I was fat as fuck. Just like what substances we talk about. We're talking. I mean, mostly weed pills. You still smoke weed? I'll smoke a little weed. That's the one that stuck around. But like, you know, it's the I assume of all the stuff. It's the least harmful, least harmful, but it just gets me in a weird. Does it lose you? Does it hurt motivation and stuff hurts motivation? I also eat like a motherfucker. It's just so so easy to layer stuff on top of it. Like, you know, I start smoking weed to go to sleep. That's how it always starts. Sure. And then I have to kind of up the ante and that's where like Xanax or like, you know, and then you're just taking fucking, you know, hydrocodones and shit like that. They're awesome. But, you know, I would be eating like shit smoking weed, taking a couple, you know, downers. I was not an upper guy, although I would take some Adderall. I guess I did actually do a little Adderall. I think that's kind of where the pills also started. It was like the balancing act, which famously works out really well for obese comedians, upper, an upper downer combo. What is that for everybody? Everybody, dude, works out for everybody. And, and I was fucking a lot because I was just, I had such an like addict's mindset. And yes, my dick like barely worked in those times, but it was about. So it's what I'm saying. The point I'm trying to illustrate is that it's about, I still like animalistically needed to fuck. So, you know, even if I'm just like finger popping someone, like he's got, it's the will that we need to instill in him again is basically what I'm saying. Make him feel like, because like against all like, think of yourself as a sexual being. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like gotten that. He thinks he's out. So anything you can do to kind of make him feel that way, call him hard. Yeah. Yeah. And that even the like, all that stuff, that's why I'm saying the like, like the, you know, vibrator shit or the like, making him feel like he's in control. And I feel like if his dick and mouth doesn't work, I think a lot of men feel inadequate with vibrator stuff. So I think that's another thing to get over. Like, you know, you're, you're a couple experiment. Don't not to give me really, really exciting. Bring other shit in, you know, like see, see, see what works because we're so used to seeing now porn where it's just people fucking really hard. We don't see like all the other stuff that's, that's possible. The only thing that changes is the number of people involved. Whereas one on one really is a dick and the number of people. I'll tell you, man, I know that the world is in a bad place right now, but I feel porn is, it needs to calm the fuck down. I kind of agree. I did like, I stumbled upon a video of the guy with the little dick and it actually made me feel awesome. Cause I was like, there needs to be like, there needs to be a category on porn, however, whatever that's like relatable. Yeah, normal dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally. But yeah, good luck. Hopefully he's, he's busting pretty soon in your butt. More importantly, you're also busting. But yeah, take some of what we said to heart. What else we got? Little eldest. Keep the cuddles and lose the mess with advantage chewable. Just one tasty tablet kills fleas and ticks for a whole month. No mess, no stress. Just one tasty chew. Advantage chewable. Flea and tick protection made easy. Find out more at advantagechewable.co.uk. Easy to love, easy to protect. Advantage chewable. What's up, Stavi, baby? Eldest, esteemed guest. Question for you about a very loving but overbearing father-in-law. So my wife's parents come and stay with us periodically to help out with the kids. Most recently, they came because we were having our second kid. So they came to stay and look after our three-year-old while we were in the hospital. My wife is giving birth. Nice, nice. And I love them. I just want to preface this with like, they're really great people. I feel grateful for them, which makes this kind of a sensitive situation. But her dad is just like, he has no boundaries at all. He takes over the house when he comes. He won't sleep in the guest room with his wife, I guess because he snores, but the house isn't very big. And so he ends up sleeping on the couch, which means no one else can really be in there. What? He completely takes over the kitchen. He has like, he brings like his entire pantry. It's like, like canned goods, like all over the counters. What's up, Mark? He cooks all this food. Like it's all love. You know, he wants to like, he wants to create that family, that sense of home, but it's like he makes food that like no one wants to eat. Like it's always like mystery meat. And like, there's a cultural component here. Here we go. They're Mexican and I love the culture. And I like to say I love them, but like. I'll tell you this, just to hit pause, when people say, whenever you're someone is saying, I love the culture, it's a very complicated. Yeah. You've already lost the argument. Yeah. Yeah. But like, you know, you're eating something. There's always like a knuckle or something in it or he makes food. He doesn't like. Yeah. I love all cultures, but the ones who are eating fucking knuckles. Yeah. I do love, this doesn't help for me because I love the weird. You love a weird. I'm like, I'm traditional and I'm come from a culture where we're eating knuckles and brains and all of it, you know, no, I'll eat a brain. Like when I go to a taco place, I'd like to try the, the cabeza and the fucking lengua. Give me the head and the tongue. Yeah. I'm interested in that. And that's the right. Last caller wanted to. Yeah. That's my that's my taco order and that's my sex order. Give me some. Give me some tongue. Please. I'll take them both served by a Mexican lady. I'm basically like, I'll get a chicken breast. Thank you. Doesn't like cover things with a wrap. And so anyway, like the refrigerator is like so packed that like literally I can't put bottles in it. Like I'm doing two AM feedings and I, there's no space to put the bottles. I don't buy that. I feel like I don't buy this. No room to put the bottle. He's got fucking knuckles in there. It feels like we're getting a little, yeah. You know, you're like hyperbole. Yeah. And he broke my $200 blender and didn't say anything. He just, he always ends up like costing me money. And it's, it's, he's a very sensitive guy. And if you try to like sort of like say something to him and like kind of set a boundary, he gets like, he goes very quick to like, you're ungrateful, like fuck you kind of thing. Like I've never broached that boundary with him. I know this, but I've seen other people in the family do it. And so like I say, I feel, I feel lucky to have, you know, a father-in-law that's like fun loving. He brought his big karaoke machine. I love that he thinks karaoke is fun. His man is fucking practicing his Selena covers at three AM. Here comes father-in-law with his knuckle sandwiches and karaoke machine. This is the premise of an eighties movie. It really is. This is like, what about Bob? But with your Mexican father-in-law, Harry Bradford had it perfect. Until he was Mexican. That's Tilly Matt. But yeah. Yeah. And he thought he had it all. A beautiful wife. Yeah. Until he met her dad. That's exactly. Um, is there more? That's the gist. He just wants to know. I like the specificities. Are there any more specificities? No. Okay. So yeah. Okay. This is interesting. I mean, we both have experience with foreign fathers. We both have them. What's your, what's yours? Uh, yeah. My father-in-law, well, I'm, I'm my family's Albanian. My family's Albanian. So, you know, yeah, all three of us have dads that were born in other countries. You were all, you were born. What's the, what's Albanian food? Uh, it's like a mix of like, uh, Mediterranean and Turkish food. Kebabs and stuff. Dirt porridge, uh, goat shit souffle. Kind of that sort of stuff. Fish. There's like, Budeck. There's like a lot of. There's what? Budeck is great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's all. The pastry you're making like savory pastries. Yep. Yep. Yep. I love culture that fuck with savory pastries. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can tell, you can tell. Yeah. But so I know exact this guy, his father-in-law, I really have a picture. You know, this guy is like, it's, I know Greek guys like this. Like my dad's not like this because he would never be this helpful, but he would be annoyed if you ever asked him, you upset a boundary or anything, you know. And so, yeah, that's so true. Boundaries, I'll tell you are such an American thing. Yeah. People here. Greek people love boundaries. Foreign families don't have them. There are no boundaries. Even like if I run into someone who's Pakistani, they're like asking me for favors. Yeah. I met you 30 seconds ago. I know. It's like, I've been stuck doing favors for a friend of a friend. And it's like, I have like, I have friends who are, there's a degree of how foreign you are. And I have the Greek people who are real Greek and he'll just like, oh yeah. And like, you know, my friend you've never met, we're going to be in a car with them for nine hours. It's like, oh nice. You know, or I mean, dude, are fucking. And we are, we love her so much, one of our best friends, but she had a friend from Cyprus just stay in our apartment for what? How long was that motherfucker there? I think that's like eight weeks. Eight weeks? So long. It was great. That is so long. It was nuts. That was the length of my Broadway run. And it was, that shit lasted forever. I had a great time. But yeah, it was, yeah, it was fucking insane. But yeah, that's foreign shit. It's hard to say we all, that is foreign shit. Yeah. And it was, it was never like my friend staying here eight weeks. It was like, no, it was like, hey, he's going to crash on the couch for like a week. And then it was like, oh, he's, oh, the place he was getting fell through. Yeah. And then it was like, well, I'm leaving for three weeks. So he's just going to take my room and it's like, okay. You know, it's just, it always kind of- And it's just like when Emily and I were dating early on and I talked about my parents, she's like, well, just talk to them about it. I was like, you do not understand. What are you talking about? What do you mean? Well, that does not, we literally do not have words for that. In Urdu, there's no word for boundary. There's a word for border. We got that. We need that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Emily has now understood after like almost two decades, like, all right, there are certain things you just cannot talk to your parents about. And look, I, I'm not even gonna, like in certain contexts, I understand wanting to set a boundary and then it's up to that foreign parent. If they want to see it from your side or not, and you decide how close you want to be with them. This doesn't feel like one of those, right? Like I've definitely had that issue with my, you know, I've talked about on the show, like me and my dad have had, like I tried to set some boundaries and he never got all the way there. But recently he's just made this much progress. Which is huge. And to me, that's good enough, right? Yeah, because you understand how hard he had to try to even get there. And, and, but look, that's also my dad. It's not in the context of a family. It's not in the context of him doing any favors. You are this guy's son-in-law. Also, when he's there, it sounds like he's doing you favors. Well, he's trying to be nice. But also it's like they're there for childcare, aren't they? Aren't they? They're there for like, they are. I don't think, like, the, what he's describing sounds a lot like what my grandma was like, because she lived with us and she was like doing a ton of housework. She's doing like a ton of shit that, you know, no one else could really do or had time to do or whatever. And she was like helping raise us. But there was also like, she's just in her own little world. She's on autopilot. She ain't learning new shit. She's not going to learn how to not do whatever she's doing that, you know, she's like breaking the washing machine once every two years. You're like, I can't prove that it was her, but you know, she said some shit wrong or something. Of course, of course. She used to take like our nice knives and like scrape ice off the stairs when like, where's the de-jewing setting? All the Albanian washing machines have them. Yeah. Literally ethnic cleansing. He said break the blunder. My grandma like broke shit and fucked it up all the time and she thought she's just like helping out. But it's like, you're not supposed to like, she's putting like aluminum foil in the fucking, microwave. I mean, this is, this is, I also was interested to hear his wife's perspective. Does he, does she think that he's overstepping? Like, is there something to be had there? Like, can she help set boundaries or something close to it? It's also, it's not all or nothing, right? It's not like you could be like, hey, no more knuckles do. We just don't like it. Yeah. Other stuff. So like maybe little steps. I don't know. Also, I, what I would do is I'd be like, you win. This is how it's going to be. I kind of, I do think there is, yeah, I think you're at a point where you should manage this because first of all, how often are these people here? Is it that big a deal? Sounds like he's really in it right now. He just had a new baby there. So he's really from at the bottom of the well, you know? And like, he says like they're here helping us with the kid, but he doesn't say they're there all the time. No, they're here helping the kid with the kid because the kid's three and they're having another kid or just had another kid. And so I would say unless this guy's coming to your house and spending fucking six days every month or something like that. Yeah, you got to write it out. If it's just like holidays or whatever, a little, no. That's how I feel. But I'm not saying you can't make some progress, but you're like him being so, you know, these fucking like immigrant dads do or both act like tough big macho tough guys, but are the most sensitive people in the world. Like in my experience, because it's like no one really like it's like their mom coddled them and then their wife coddled them. They never had a friend for yourself, the veneer of macho, but really soft inside. Everyone that I've met has kind of been like that. That's very true. I think that's true in general for very, very guys who try to be macho. Yeah. They're really like little boys. Yeah. And so his feelings will get hurt. And again, if this was a peer, if this was a coworker, if this was someone who's you could, you know, check him on that. But this is your father-in-law who you see what five per who stays with you five percent of the year or whatever it is, like if that whatever. So I would say instead of being like, Hey, the knuckle fucking stew sucks, Dick, be like, Hey, you know what I really like is your carne asada. Yeah. Can you make that for me? Like start. Oh, positive reinforcement. Start ordering the things you really like. Right, right, right. You know, like the sleeping on the couch thing. It's like, whatever, you're get a bigger house, brother. I don't know what to tell you. Wow. Like, you're like, I don't think that'll. Yeah. Right now that ain't happening. Yeah. Or get a get a get a fucking get a camper for him to sleep it in the driveway. Be like, dude, I got you your own fucking personal. You got to spend it positive decked out with all the shit you like. But yeah, I think you can do some stuff at the margins, but this is this is why people are you could have this guy and he's not helpful. Not to not saying like, think about how much worse it could be. I know that's not always helpful because you're still this is your experience and it sucks. But it's like, as far as like father-in-laws go, he's trying his best, some little positive reinforcement. What does your wife think? And also, you haven't even tried setting even a light boundary because he says like, he's seen it happen with other people in the family. Sometimes like father-in-laws don't respect their kids, but they might listen to. Like, you know, I feel like this is a trap. I mean, look, I don't know. I'm not I'm just I'm just saying that the dynamics are different from you than the other people you've seen in the family. So you can as long as you're coming at him from a he's still the thing you have to always frame these things that he has all the power. He needs to feel like he's in complete control. 100% You almost have to like be groveling and be like, hey, can you, you know, whatever, can you do this or whatever? I have to be up tomorrow or, you know, can you, you know, I don't know, not sleep. I don't know what the issue is, but I don't know, man, I just think you have to kind of eat this, especially when you think of it in the context of, you know, what are they helping you with? How long are they there? Now, if we're getting this wrong and they're there fucking three months, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like they're there right now because the kids there, you know, so it could be at this point, it could be a couple months because it's the first couple months with a new baby. Yeah. Could also see down the line, all these people moving in together at some point. So this might be need to address more head on in the future. Not a no, but just, you know, I think you'd have a bigger place at that point. If you're like living in together, I'll just did grow up with his grandmother sleeping in the fucking living room. I grew up with my grandfather. Yeah. No, me too. My grandma, my grandma lived in our house too. So yeah, we all have that background. So but I think on a visit, it's more of like he gets to peacock around. He's like the guest of honor and he's never not going to feel that way. And it is obviously coming from a good place, which is why he gets hurt when you call him on it. Because he's like, this is how I'm showing my love. So I think understand that this is his way of showing you love. And you just have to, you know, it's the love language thing. Yeah, you just have to. I think what you said about being like, I like this, I like this, that's kind of your that's the closest thing you can get to. Because like, yeah, that's the closest thing you get to. And look, dude, pros and cons and everything. This is this is a sort of mixed, this is one of the mixed bags that comes with your, you know, marrying your wife. And I'm sure the pros way outweigh it. And it's like being a little annoyed at your step or your father-in-law ain't the worst thing in the world. I think this is also like an era of chaos in your life. You just have your second baby just embrace it, man. It's like not going to get. I kind of agree. I kind of agree. The next few years, I think he's calling us in the he's in the middle of the storm right now. Right, right, right. I think when he's gone, you know, you'll, it's not that big a deal. It's like, you know, have you, this is a, I'm prophesying with one of the worst analogies I've ever made, but you have you heard that call where a woman's calling because her friend is being attacked by a chimp or like a pit bull. And she's screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's literally just happening right now. I think so. But you know, if we're wrong, call back, let us know. You got something fun for us to go out on here. Yeah, let's go. Yeah, this is a question. This is fun. I love this. Solving other people's problems is so easy. It's so fun and easy. Yeah. I have no, I have no skin in the game. I have no personal experience with any of this. I'm a stunted, you know, child. Hey, Sevee baby, I love you and your podcast so much. Thank you. You're my thick king. I had a question not to do my own horn, but I'm pretty fucking hot. Nice. Huge tricks. Huge, great. Dude, you, I think you've been to your two. Quiet down, Camille. I'm listening to our caller. Please don't interrupt her, Camille. She has huge states. I don't know if you heard. I don't mean to cock block you over voicemail. Go ahead. I do have eczema, like specifically my thighs and my ass. So I just wanted to know what your perspective and the esteemed stress opinion would be on like, if you're hooking up with a girl and it sort of looks like, I don't know, a rash or something on her ass. Like I don't want to freak any of that out, but like I have a hot body. I want to show it off. But I don't want anybody to think I'm like diseased. It's just this condition that I can't cure. Yeah. So what would you do if you're hooking up with a girl and you see she's got some eczema? Otherwise, 10 out of 10, well, maybe eight out of 10. His steric question. I just wanted to know what your opinion was as a guy. Thanks so much, babe. I love you. I'd say you really are tackling like the entire spectrum of problems. From like my grandfather was making knuckles to, Aizemona hot ass. I mean, this is so like how much women are just mentally tortured in our society. It's like this is a beautiful woman who's like as a skin. The only thing that I could think of that takes out of the realm of like if she had eczema on like her arm or some shit, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. No one cares. This is totally in your head. The ass thing. The only thing I'll say is like, if you, if it could possibly read as an STD, that's the only negative I can come up with, right? Because it's like, how rash she doesn't look. I don't, eczema, I feel like. Eczema can go. It's a lot. Yeah, I can go pretty far. A lot of different ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know. I mean, I don't even exactly in my head know what that just like reddish flaky skin is that kind of what it is? Yeah, but image search eczema. It can get fairly, I assume if she's dealing with it, then it's something if she's so concerned about, but also you're right, we've really done a number on one. It's crazy because it's like, basically you're saying like a minor skin condition and everything else is, you know, truly one of the most minor conditions you can have in life. And so many people have it. I'm seeing some, there's like a spectrum. Some stuff looks really gross. I think for me, it would come down to like, the texture. Like, can you feel it? Or is it just like redness? You know what I mean? Scaly. Because if you, if you come across like a weird scaly patch, depending on how bad it is, close your eyes, you might be thinking, reading Braille, maybe. I'm fucking the lizard woman, which could be hot actually. Now that I think about it, where does the tail go? I think you know. I think you know where it goes. It does sound pretty good. You're right. It's not too big. Yeah, a small tail. Yeah, yeah. Well, this one is a tip of small. I can work up. I can work up to the base. Because the tail's like, in there. If it's wiggling. A lot of possibilities. Worst case scenario, it's tickling your nuts. Worst case scenario. This is not an issue at all. This is fucking insane. This is your, yeah, you've been, our beauty standards have really crushed, you know, women's self-esteem. This is nothing. I mean, poof, eczema. I mean, I'm thinking about first move to New York. It's just like dandruff, right? It's just like non-head dandruff. I believe so. I think that's mostly what it is. But I also think like, you know, I guess I'm not going to tell you because I'm sure she's done the research on curing it. It feels curable. I feel like it could get a... That was the first thing I thought of too. But then, you know, the problem I have with Emily is like, she's like, I don't need you to offer a solution. I'm just listening. So that's why I didn't say it. But I would think that would be... Get a second opinion from a better dermatologist. Go to a good derm. Yeah. But no, keep at it. You know, you're doing great. It's just a very minor thing. And this would not stop me at all. I wouldn't even consider it. I wouldn't even enter my mind. I'd be like, oh, thank God she's human. Yeah, yeah. I would be... There would be too many awesome things. We're talking about those huge titties, that big ass. You seem fun. We've probably had a nice time. You think I'm going to be like, Skiiiit! What the hell is that? Do you need to put a little lotion on a two inch by two inch patch of your ass? You fucking disgusting! Get the fuck out of my house! I'm fat as shit. I'm like... I look like this. I'm like, you got eggs, you little bitch. I have medically rosy cheeks that will never go away. Medically rosy. Yeah, I don't know what this is, but it's just, you know, it's never going to... I can't grow hair here. I don't know what this looks like. You can't. This is the beard. Yeah, I can't... This is it, baby. It's a good look, though. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Cherubic. Yeah, I'll be cherubic my whole life. Yeah. So yeah, you're doing great. And look, if you need more detail, you want to send me a picture of your ass so I can really know we're looking at, for clinical reasons only, my DMs are open as a mental health practitioner. That's the thing. I have no licensing. You should not listen to anything that we say, but where the other place we differ from therapists is we will look at your nudes if you ask. And it's not unethical. You'll throw in the free titty screening, too. I will also do a visual mammogram. Any other ailments you got? Yeah. Do you have... Yeah, goose pimples on your titty. What are those like goose bumps? Do you get goose bumps on your titties? I'll look at those, too. Anyway, yeah, this is crazy. Yeah, don't worry about it. This is insane. He's lucky to be there, or she, whoever it is, lucky to be there. Whoever's getting in those cheeks should have no problem. By the way, look at this guy's head of hair, huh? That is one of the best heads of hair I've ever seen. Wow, thank you. Inblessing. Look at him blush. You're never going to... Your whole family, everybody's got full head of hair. My dad was bald. His dad was bald as fuck. He had like crazy male pattern baldness. He had the most traditional male pattern baldness you could ever... My mom had three. Is it going back into the island and then back here, that thing? Oh, no, not even in the island. The pure horseshoe. Okay. It was awesome. He had great... My dad, too, has that going on. He has like two hairs up here. Uh-huh. He... When I was a kid, he would like... When we had to go anywhere like important, he would spray his like four hairs down. It was fucking hilarious. Pretending he had hair. Can you imagine somebody that pathetic? What the hell, Elders? Why are you laughing? I mean... I would be sad. What's going on up here? You like the back of the... Are you looking at the background for male? I saw you guys starting to go up. Back back there. Oh, man, you guys are really up. Yes, we've mentioned it before. Elders had to be blessed with height and a great hairline. He's too weak to live in my body. He would have crumbled under the weight of this look. And so I'm happy for him. It is a fucking great look. Thank you. It really is. I appreciate that. I appreciate it. Yeah, I think we're rewrapping it up and then you got a compliment. I think so. But hey, we can keep that going. No, no. That's enough compliments. Yeah, that's like holy shit. No more complimenting the employees, Kameo. You've reached your guest limit for how many Elders compliments. You've also addressed him with respect, which I don't really like. Is that not standard? That's not really... Just cold and impersonal from now on. It's okay. You didn't know any better. Yeah, next time. I can't look the guests in the eyes. I dock his pay every time he makes eye contact with a guest. Depending on where their IMDB star meter is, of course. Certain comedians can look him in the eye. Some of my friends, I did open mics with Patreon episodes. We were a little more lax, but the free ones with guests that have been Oscar nominated. You've got to have boundaries. Absolutely not. No respect Elders. Importance of boundaries. But that is going to do for the ep. Kameo, thanks for coming, man. Oh, thanks for having me. Yeah, this is so great. Watch this special. Hulu, I'm also in a couple episodes of the new season of Fallout, which is also out right now. Fuck yeah. On Amazon Prime. That's awesome. Go see it. And yeah, I mean, you've been to so much great stuff. Go check out all the, I mean, you know, all the back catalog. And one Marvel movie. And one Marvel movie. Exactly one. Maybe the only guy to be in just one. Just one for me. Thank you. I will never forget that you were like, in a way it's a blessing in disguise, right? I really think that we can keep talking about our philosophies off Mike, but yes. Listen, no complaints. I feel very, very lucky to be working. I mean, so fucking lucky. Yeah, yeah. No complaint. That totally comes through. But it is, I know I am stupid in hindsight. But watch this special folks, and we will talk to you next time. Bye bye. Grab the unrivaled Samsung Galaxy S26 Ultra with an incredible privacy display on EE, the UK's best network. You can save £20 per month, plus claim a Samsung Galaxy Tab S10 Lite. Now we're talking. So get yours today. Offer ends 28th May. At Tui, we give you more. More outfit choices, with 20 kilograms of luggage allowance as standard. More hotels built around what you love, like that swim-up suite. More, race you to the bottom, water parks on site. More, ooh, that looks good. Food options from poolside snacks to ala cart dining. Book on app, in-store or online. 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