Ep 1303 | Pray for Your Husband Like This, And Watch Everything Change | Christian Bevere

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Whether you are married, dating, or single, praying for your husband or your future husband can work so powerfully not only in your life, in your heart right now, but also for the future. Today, we've got Christian Bivier. She is a podcaster and the author of Future Husband Present Prayers. Today, we're not only talking about praying the Bible for your future spouse. We are also talking about dating, courtship, sexual purity, leadership, submitting to that leadership as women. There is so much to be gleaned from today's episode. No matter what stage of life you're in, you are going to be so encouraged by this. I know that I was. This is our Valentine's Day episode. If you love this podcast, please leave us a five star review wherever you listen. Make sure you like and subscribe on YouTube as well. Also, go to sharethearrows.com. Get your tickets today. This is our no-fluff Christian Women's Conference. Today's episode is brought to you by our friends at Good Ranchers. Go to goodranchers.com. Use code Allie for a discount at checkout. That's goodranchers.com, code Allie. Christian, thanks so much for taking the time to join us. Could you tell everyone who you are and what you do? Absolutely. Thank you for having me, Allie. My name is Christian Bevere. Sounds like a guy, but I am a woman married to someone I just think is so far out of what I deserved, and it is only by the way of prayer. We have two kiddos. He is a Bavir, which if you know, that means he comes from an amazing Christian, Italian, passionate family. And I think I've just walked into this beautiful gift of seeing marriage up close, seeing ministry up close and getting to walk that out. And now that's come to writing about my love story and about prayer and love, because I think it's so confusing out there. for people that are single. And then even people that are married, we're told so much about self and the tension that comes with how to do partnership well, where I feel like the Bible actually has more to say on that that can benefit anyone trying to do relationships well. Totally. And I just want to say, I love strong names for women. I think Christian for a woman is so beautiful. So I love your name. Let's first talk about the title of your book and why you decided to write about this topic, Praying for a Future Husband. So the book is called Future Husband Present Prayers because I was in a season, which I think many of us find ourselves in, unless you're lucky enough to marry your high school sweetheart, where I graduated college. I moved home to the job I was working before I went to college, which felt financially fiscal. I was like, Lord, why did we spend money to come back to the job? I was doing beforehand to the same dating criteria, the same rhythms, and was just saying, Lord, what is next? I have this deep desire to be loved, to love someone, and I feel zero direction. Had mishandled dating in my own regard and been hurt by other people and just came to this point of there has to be wisdom here that I'm not tapping into because I see the way that society handles dating where it's just loose and it's uncommitted and it's not really fruitful. And then I hear some good advice in the church, but it's not necessarily in depth. And I feel like anything that is important as marriage should come with specific. It should come with this girt of intentionality. And I just heard, find someone that's cute and loves Jesus, which that's a high percentage of any church you go to. There's going to be single people that love Jesus. But if you're choosing a life partner, I thought there had to be something more there that the Lord could speak into. So I just got a Bible, a Brown Mother Bible on Amazon. And I said, this is going to be a Bible for my future husband. I'm going to pray for him daily. I'm going to submit this desire to the Lord because it's obviously not going anywhere. Yeah. And how old were you at this point when you started doing this? I was 21. I had just graduated college, moved back home to Sweet Home, Alabama. And I thought, there's no men here. There's nothing I'm doing that has been fruitful. Like I need to try something different. And that just led me to praying intentionally. And I had prayed for my husband before, but no one really told me, hey, you can do this daily. I think at that time it was, I heard at least like, oh, you're obsessed if you do that. But I more just felt like I have this desire bubbling up in me and in my own strength. I'm really not doing that well, obviously, with how my dating relationships have gone. So Lord, can you please walk this with me really intentionally? And Ali, he healed my heart on things. He showed me improper ways I was living out that desire. Maybe I was wanting to be loved and seen more than I had actually let him come into some areas of my heart. And then he started to restore my faith of what I was looking for, because I can remember sitting in my bedroom in high school, having a friend, which maybe she wasn't so much of a great friend because of what she said, but she said, your standards are too high. Men don't prioritize character or purity. You're going to need to lower your standards or no one's going to want you. And I took that to heart. And as a young girl with hormones and emotions and the identity search that comes with high school, I was just thinking, I really want to be loved. And if I need to change my approach, then so be it. And I just don't want any other girl to have to go through that, because that is a lie. There might be a shortage out there right now, but that doesn't mean that that can't change. I believe men can chase character and purity and righteousness and prayer to something so powerful within that. Gosh, I have so many questions to ask you based on that wonderful answer. I want to go back to, you said that you had been making some mistakes in dating, which I think a lot of us can relate to, probably 99% of us. As you said, hopefully there are women out there who, they didn't make any of those mistakes and they just found the person that God had for them and they got married. Like that's the goal. That's what we want. But a lot of us learned by our experiences and doing it the wrong way. So to help women learn, or maybe teens who are listening to this learn, what mistakes were you making that looking back, You wish you could tell a 20-year-old Christian, don't do that. Right. Oh, if only I had a time machine, right? Part of this is even fun because I know you're a girl mom too. I have a daughter. I'm just like, you are going to learn your worth and the truth about relationship. But some of the mistakes, when I trace it back to actually probably the most poignant mistake I was making was not understanding the way I was working out that desire. And I think so many singles here, just be content. And I don't know really what the advice behind that is. Is it like just put that on pause and then all of a sudden one day you'll have this desire for marriage again? But I was thinking it out of, okay, I want to be seen. I want someone to notice me. If who I am is not enough solely based on like attention, then maybe I need to dress a little differently. Maybe I need to move my standards like a little bit. And it's such a domino effect where you try to change maybe a moral. I started going to parties and people would drink and I would throw my drink in the sink because I don't want to drink, but I just want to be seen. I want people to invite me. And it's this slope of searching for value and acceptance by trying to appeal to the status quo rather than having the fortitude and the faith to stand in. And, you know, I am this is who I am. This is what I value. It might not be popular. It might not be what's trendy and dating right now or even in friendships. But I wish going back, I would have choose the friends that saw my values and sat with me in them. Like maybe it is hard to feel that longing, but it's OK if it's not satisfied in this moment, in this season. Keep to it. I will keep with it with you. Oh, my goodness. If I had more accountability when I was in school, that would have been amazing. And truthfully, on my own part, I probably could have if I would have had the fortitude to look for people that were doing the same thing. But that just perpetuated some other choices of choosing people that I was like, oh, well, he's cute. Maybe if he comes to church with me, he can love Jesus and me. I think so many girls have found themselves in that camp. Yeah, totally. You know, all the advice that the Bible says of, you know, pursue faithfulness, act righteously, let the Lord establish your steps, be equally yoked. I feel like that's dating advice that should not be outdated and it should really be taken to heart. Yeah, we don't really think of those verses in relation to dating because wanting to be married is a good desire. I have always wanted to be married and especially in college, especially when you're in the South. I went to school in South Carolina. You have this mentality that if I don't meet my husband in college, well, then I'm never going to meet him and I'm never going to get married. And so I made probably the two different kinds of mistakes. There are lots of mistakes that people can make while dating, but one would have been to settle for someone that was fine on paper, but I knew in my heart of hearts was not the person that God had for me. But I was too scared to let that go because I was afraid that, oh my gosh, maybe I'm not going to be able to fulfill this desire and I'm not going to find someone. And then when that didn't work out, also doing the partying, the drinking, the wanting attention. And so not eating enough and unhealthy routines of working out all to try to like get that love and satisfaction that I was longing for. But really in both of those paths that I was taking, the umbrella that covers both of them is that I was not trusting the Lord. I wasn't trusting that the Lord was enough for me. I wasn't trusting that the Lord would take care of me. I wasn't trusting that his love, his attentiveness to me was enough, was sufficient for me. I wanted to find that elsewhere too. And like, God, if you can give me, I don't know, auxiliary attention, that's fine. But I need attention elsewhere. I need to get what I want, how I want to get it. And it's very painful sometimes for the Lord to teach us those lessons and to kind of like, you know, open up our death grip that we have on our own fate and our own future. But that is sanctification. It is a constant prying of our plans out of our hands and teaching us to trust him. And so if anyone is in that stage right now, it can be painful, but that is part of what it means to deny ourselves and be Christians. Right. And this aspect of faith, and that's something I've learned is, you know, you don't outgrow that faith to the same faith that you need of, Lord, I'm going to trust you with my love story is the faith you apply when you go through hard seasons together when you are married. You know, it's just such as biblical principle that can stink, can sting, but it is this invitation for something better for that perseverance. and I've been camping out in Hebrews 11 as I wrote these books because I wanted to say, Lord, I want to understand faith in this matter because there are women who have waited longer than I have. There are women who have gone through things that would make my life look like a walk in the park some days. And so I want to know what is the foundation of faith. And Hebrews 11 says that faith is the assurance of things hoped for that are not yet seen. And so anyone that is going through a period of ally Christian, there are zero guys out there. there is no way that the Lord can bring someone to me. I've been waiting for so long. Faith is that assurance of I'm going to believe despite what I have yet seen, and I'm going to have hope for it, which is scary. But I think that's why the invitation is to have childlike faith, like just joy that perpetuates and is audacious almost. Yeah. And believing that God can do that, but also realizing that on this side of heaven, he doesn't guarantee to give us everything that we want. quick pause to tell you about our first sponsor for the day and that is Jevity. Jevity is an incredible company. They send a phlebotomist to you. They take your blood test for a hundred biomarkers. They upload the results into an app. The best part in my opinion about it is the doctor that looks at your results and gives you, mine was about a 30 minute video, breaking down everything that your results actually mean. Not only that, they also give you recommendations for the different supplements you should take, even the different diet and exercise that works best for your body and your blood results. I was explained things that I had never learned before about how gluten can affect your thyroid if you have something like Hashimoto's like I do, things that I should be eating, why I should be exercising and eating at a certain time of day. it blew my mind and it has helped me so much. It is well worth every penny. Plus you get 20% off when you use my code Allie. Go to gojevity.com slash Allie. Jevity is spelled G-E-V-I-T-I.com slash Allie. That's gojevity.com slash Allie. Code Allie. what I loved about something that you said about what God did in you in praying for your husband wasn't just that yes you eventually met your husband and got married and we'll get to that aspect of it but you said that the Lord healed you through his word that he sanctified you through his word so can you talk more about that when you first started praying for your future your husband, what did you just kind of feel yourself let go of? I remember the very first few months just feeling this almost release of performativeness, especially in the area of with the opposite sex and realizing, you know, why does it feel like this constant fight or flight when I'm around someone? Like I walk into a room and automatically think, are you not seen? Are you not valued And why is that so intrinsic to my worth rather than like you said I show up knowing who I am I have this foundation in Christ He is that anchor for my soul And so I think I really had to let go of the solution of my status and relationships being equated to my worth. And that can sneak up on us. Like you said, marriage is such a good desire. And the more I speak on this, the more I do believe that. But with any gift, we have to steward it in a right way. And so I think he was gently and kindly helping me see how I had been like holding it too tightly and clasping it and putting it in one box rather than this is this fluid thing that can, you know, be molded by me. Like I can trust you with it. And so having to humbly say, okay, I have been the problem in some areas. I have been hyper focused on this so much that it has caused me to be nearsighted in some ways. And I need to be able to have joy on a Friday night. if I don't have a date. I need to be able to celebrate those people around me when they're getting engaged and I'm single because this is not a threat to my future. It is not the end of the story. It's okay to be a 21-year-old college graduate and not be married, which in Alabama, we felt the same way. I was like, well, crap, I graduated and now I don't know what to do. Move home, be by myself? No way. And then there were deeper things as well because of you know, whether that's people in my life who maybe weren't there for me in some ways or people that I had been romantically tied to who had hurt me. And so there was this unreleasing of that of even, okay, what does a marriage look like for me? Because I desire it so much, but do I truly believe that you have a good relationship in store for me specifically? And I see that with a lot of women today also is they hope and they pray and they have their hopes up, but then they do meet someone that is of caliber, and then they almost shut down. And it's a self-sabotage because those wounds can come up, and shame and insecurity, whatever it may be, is just like this playground of the enemy where he'll want to try to snatch something that the Lord can work in and disqualify you because of your past. And that's not a permission just to do dating however you want, but it's an awareness of, Lord, you can move in everything with a repentant and willing heart. And I won't invite anyone into that because I remember being engaged, fast forwarding a little bit, and then thinking, oh wait, no, this is too good. You should go be with someone that's like a pastor's daughter and who's never sinned a day in her life, which like you said, I don't know how many of those are actually out there, but it was just almost this shock moment where the Lord's like, are you really going to stop what I'm doing because of your own track record? I was like, okay, no, I'm not. I'm going to allow you to do this, and I'm going to ask for a mantle of grace to do it well. Yeah. I had a journal that I started probably when I was like early teens praying for my future husband, but I wasn't necessarily doing it along with reading scripture. There were biblical concepts in my prayers, but I wasn't doing it while reading scripture and praying this verse for my husband. But you said that you bought that brown leather bound Bible and you use that to pray for your future husband. So tell us how that works exactly. Yeah, I think it was really important to infuse scripture because I did want to make sure, especially with what I was saying of like my hyper focus on this is I didn't want my prayers to only be what I could contrive in my mind or what I thought would please me. Because I do think whether you choose to be single or you're married, Matthew 19 points out evidently that this is, you know, this is something we pursue for godliness. It's something that is a choice that we make of, Lord, I'm going to do this role, whatever route that is to honor you and to serve the kingdom. And so infusing scripture to me was, what does a godly man look like? Well, let's go to the word. How can I be a future wife that blesses him? And so, you know, I'd go to Timothy, I'd go to Psalms, and I'd look at, you know, how Titus or David and these men of God were, you know, walking with the Lord, the attributes that carried, and I'd start praying those over my future husband. And I started there, and it was really great because, you know, in my college age, I was like, Lord, let him be cute and let him love me. But then grounding it in actual scripture, it just added this gumption almost to my prayers. And it was almost in an unexpected way sweet for me because I felt like my prayers were almost safe before then of like, Lord, do this and praise you. But I really started to war for him and intercede for this person I hadn't met yet to the point of we can look back days after we were married and I gave him that Bible on our wedding day and he would look through and he'd say, you were praying for me on this date because because I would date the prayers and the letters I'd write to him. And he's like, I was going through such a struggle of a season at that time. Like, you don't even know what you were praying for, but you were interceding for me. And I think that's the measure of, you know, when our prayers are spirit led, they're scripture based, there's so much power that we won't even know. Maybe not even earth side, but it's so poignant and powerful to pray. Yeah. I want to talk about some more of those prayers that you saw answered after you met your husband. But tell us the timeline. You started praying for your husband biblically through or starting when you were 21. And then when did you meet your husband and how did that all happen? I think we met. Truthfully, it wasn't that long. And I don't think that's because I just started praying perfectly. I think we were 23 when we got married. But we met, got engaged and married all in the same year. It was a pretty short turnaround. and now having a daughter myself, I'm like, oh, that sounds like crazy advice. But I was at the point where I remember the day my husband reached out to me and I saw that he was from a Christian home, that he was reaching out like in character. I threw my... How did he reach out to you? How did he find you? Yeah, this is kind of, this is the funny one. He actually reached out to me on Instagram. Okay. But was the most gentleman like media type conversation I've ever had. How did he find you on Instagram? He, this is the fun part when you start like connecting the dots and your love story. I moved back home from college, met this girl who was in a similar season as me. And we really bonded over the fact we actually, she got a Hudson's Bible too, when we started being accountability partners, encouragement partners, anytime she was tempted to settle, I'm like, are you kidding me? You are a knockout. You're a gorgeous woman. You are a faithful woman. You are not going to settle. And that was really transformative for me to have someone that would do that with me. And she got into cosmicology school. So she moved away and I visit her trying to do the spark notes version. And she had a friend randomly come over when I was visiting one time. That friend later reached out to me on some way when she was visiting where I was and she's like, Hey, let's hang out. And I was like, I don't know about this. My mom goes, you don't have any friends here right now. You should go hang out with someone. I was like, thanks mom. That's a real great encouragement. Um, so we hang out one time. She applies for this ministry internship. My husband's the one rolled with vetting people's, you know, Instagram's background check applications, all those things. And he sees a photo of me, a photo, which I was like, I look terrible on that. Please don't post it. And she's like, just be confident. So anytime your friend's going to post a photo and you're like, I don't look ugly, go ahead and post it. You might be your husband. And so he saw my page. He saw that I was doing a Christian blog at that time. And he asked his best friend, like, should I reach out on Instagram? He's like, no, only, you know psycho guys do that don't do it he's like you're right you're right three days later he he's like I gotta do it I'm thankful he did yeah and so he sends me a message and then very quickly said I would like your number but I'm not going to text you I'd only like to call you and so I went from like oh no another DM conversation to wait this is something different here and then obviously I see his page I wasn't quite sure who his parents were at the time but then I realized I had heard Lisa's message before. And I thought, this guy comes from a good home. He's pursuing me differently. There's some intentionality here. I threw my phone in the back of the car. I was at a red light. I wasn't driving. I don't think anyone could arrest me at this point. It's been a long time. And I said, Lord, I need to have clarity that the next guy I date is my future husband. Not to be legalistic, but you have shown me what it's like when I run rampant when I get emotionally invested. I want to be so led and so clear every step of the way. And he did that. And that clarity just continued to evolve. Like to the point, Allie, on our first date, there were confirmations of dreams God had given us that I had never heard anyone else speak about. And just these crazy things where it permitted this understanding of who he is, what he was about. He led with so much clarity that I never had to wonder what I meant to him. And that's something I want every girl to get to have because most women today are wondering, is he going to ghost me? Where do we stand? Does he even want to get married? And I can attest that a man that knows he wants to be a husband, that is a leader that has that mantle and is ready to step into it, will date differently. 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And how quickly after that, after that first phone call and first date, were you like, okay, yeah, this is the person I want to marry? Well, I'll tell you what. On our first date, we happened to meet both the first parents, both of each other's parents. Okay. And by the end of that date, my mom looked at me and she said, I think you met your future husband. Did he come down to Alabama? We met in Florida. Okay. So, yeah, I drove over. My mom actually drove me over. I guess we were just chaperoned, which, hey, I mean, they used to do that in courting. So maybe not a bad idea. And so she drove me over. We met. We had like a seven hour date. We just talked and talked about his vision, what we wanted to do for the future. Met the family, played can jam, a game I've never played before. And it was just a sweet time where there was romance, but it was also not too lofty and whimsical. He wasn't trying to sweep me off my feet. he was trying to get to know me and make sure I was having fun and making sure that I saw the value that he was placing on me. And so from that date, we were married seven months after that. Yeah. Which sounds crazy saying it out loud. Wow. Well, we did. We were quick too. We got we started dating and got married within nine months. So, yeah, not that different. It really is kind of a when you know, you know. So what were some tangible aspects of him and your relationship that were different than the relationships that you had in college pre starting to really pray for your husband? Like, what did you notice right away that? Okay, Lord, I see this is different. Yeah, I think the biggest was in me. Because right before I had met him, there was a time where I could have gone on a date with someone. And I said, Okay, Lord, this isn't your best. Like, I want you to cancel it. And the next day, ghosted. I was like, that prayer worked a little too quick. I feel a little sad that I was just that easy to let go of. But this willingness to say, I will let go of things that are not your best. Used to, I would have the approach of, I'm going to have my feelings involved. I'm going to pick who I want to date. And then I'm going to ask the Lord to bless it, which is just not, I mean, that's not really orchestrating your steps. That's just asking God to put a stamp of approval on something that you want. And I found this willingness in me to say, Lord, I want your best instead, which isn't an easy prayer. And it's actually not even an easy prayer to say, I want a kingdom marriage, because that is not always the easiest path. That's something that you'd be willing to grow in beforehand and during that growth never stops. And so I felt his prompting so closely. I felt his voice closer than I ever had. And just this willingness to follow that. And I'm more of like an introvert and shy. And on that date, as he says, he's like, I love how much you grilled me. I love that you're not afraid to ask me hard questions to the point where I was like, oh, my goodness, was I like an FBI interrogator on that first date? Was I romantic at all? But he was actually praying for someone that was going to be hardworking, someone that was going to be a partner and committed to that. And he said he saw that within me, by the way, that I was like, no nonsense. And I love that because before I was a lot of nonsense. I was like, just tell me I'm pretty and that you like me, maybe even a little bit. And so it was just a sweet invitation. And I think with a lot of dating today, people are afraid to ask those questions. They want to be the best choice. Like you want to be the girl that stands out rather than you want to know you can guard your heart because the Lord says to do that. He wants to protect your emotions, your spirit, your safety, like all of these things. And so be okay with feeling outlandish a little bit. Be okay with not every guy is going to like you. That doesn't matter. You only need one. You only need the right one. So true. I say the same thing. It only takes one. There actually doesn't have to be 10,000 guys that you would marry out there. There just has to be one guy that you would marry. something that you said that I think is so important that he didn't play any games that he led you and was clear from the very start that's something I also loved about my husband from the beginning is that he was just like this is where I am in my life emotionally spiritually and this is how I feel about you and that alone was just so attractive to me and it sounds like you had the same experience unfortunately that is not the experience that a lot of women have out there. They're left every day convincing themselves that the guy that they're with likes them and just wondering, okay, what can I do to make him like me more? I say, and you tell me what you think about this, I think that if you are convincing yourself that he likes you or that you like him, that you probably just need to break up. And you shouldn't find yourself convincing yourself that this is the right thing Maybe that too broad of a stroke to brush but I think that that typically a good indicator that you have decided okay I not going to allow the Lord to order my steps, but I'm going to desperately just try to make this happen. Yeah, so true. I have the privilege of getting to mentor some girls right now that are in their early twenties and they're in the dating scene. And it's interesting, like you said earlier, when you know, you know, I think that phrase scares some people because it's like, well, what does that mean? How do I know that I know? I like to say when you know you don't know, that's something you can trust about actually knowing. And again, it's hard to venture into that area of really sussing things out and asking yourself, like, am I hoping for this or do I feel peace in this? Is this peace because I want this to serve me or peace because, wow, that is a trajectory of kingdom partnership that I could sign up with. I like to tell my girlfriends, if this guy is not someone that you would recommend to date your best friend, why on earth are you dating him? Like if he's not someone that you would say that is a gold star of character, then why are you wasting your time? But I remember before I met my husband, I had dated someone else from the church. Incredible person. Two months in, I think we had a conversation of, this is good, but is it great? Like, do we really feel a tie to this? And we both walked away saying, yeah, it's good. And even then I can look back and think, even in a good relationship, you have the potential to settle if you were just short-sighting, like you said, is this the best God has for me? And I think we all have a little bit more of that knowing than we sometimes like to admit, because like you said, maybe I'm scared if I say no to this person, this good option, there's going to be no other out there. But if we see how sacred and sweet that marriage is, if that's the caliber or the symbolism that the Lord used for his love for the church and being the bride, why would we water it down to something that's a good option? I think we need to have a higher regard for ourself, yes, but also for the sanctity and the sacredness that is marriage. It is worth waiting the waters for to go to something that has longevity, it has peace, it has knowing. And honestly, you probably say the same thing. You need that. On the days and seasons where it's hard, I look back and think I am so reassured and so confident that the Lord had his fingerprints on our relationship that it almost dispels my doubts because I'm not wondering, did I make the wrong choice? I'm thinking I got to lean on the Lord and he showed up in uniting us together and bringing us together. And that almost just says it doesn't really matter what we're going through because we decided to go through it together. Next sponsor is Seven Weeks Coffee. Seven Weeks Coffee is America's pro-life coffee company. They're called Seven Weeks because it's Seven Weeks gestation. that little baby inside the womb is the size of a coffee bean yet he or she is fully made in the image of god that's why seven weeks donates 10 of every sale to pro-life pregnancy centers across the country they have donated over a million dollars to these pregnancy centers which is translated into saving thousands of baby lives all because of you because you have allowed your coffee to serve a higher purpose when you subscribe to seven weeks coffee you'll get that box of coffee to your front door every month you'll save 15 when you do that plus you use my code Allie and you save an extra 10%. That's 25% savings when you go to sevenweekscoffee.com code Allie. That reminds me of a debate that goes on kind of within the Christian dating world. And there's one perspective that says, as long as they are, it sounds like the guy that you dated before, a good person, Christian, all of that, then get married and figure it out together. And then there's another perspective and this is my perspective that all of that stuff does matter the fact that he loves jesus and that he has these enduring characteristics that will weather a lot of storms like that matters but you also should be attracted to them like you should have those feelings of romance and love and like oh my goodness i want to be with that person that's not you know those super exciting i can't wait to see them again feelings aren't going to persist in exactly the same way forever and ever. I think that they're important. I think that they're an important kind of glue in the very beginning that brings people together. But some people would say that's really not important. As long as you share faith and you share the character qualities that you're looking for in another person, figure it out from there and make it work. What do you think? Well, I have the benefit of coming from my husband has three brothers. And so there's a lot of males. There's a lot of testosterone in that household. If I were to take that theology, then we could just swap husbands. Like I could be married to my brother-in-law, one of my sister-in-laws could be married to my husband, and it just would have worked out just the same. But I see such specificness within those partnerships. I see, wow, there is an attribute that that couple has that strengthens them both for the call, for the character, for the qualities and identity they have. And so I agree that there is specificness. There is this intentionality in who we choose as our partner. but it is a choice. So we do have the choice of, I'm going to partner with this person. I'm going to give them my yes. And I think if your yes is like, meh, like, yeah, they're cute. They love Jesus. That's fine. What really is, how much of a gift is that yes? If it's just like a, yeah, this will work out rather than, wow, I'm on fire for this person. Again, not just because I'm infatuated and I think they're the most good looking person I've ever seen, but because I see something on their life that I'm excited to partner with. So I do think that means I have an understanding of their character, of their vision, of the way that they live their life. Now, was my husband everything I thought on paper? No, probably not. But he had qualities that I didn't even know to expect and that those serve me so well and what I'm called to, like the way he champions me, the way that I'm able to support him. Those are all such a unique experience to how we're connected. And so I would say if anyone's tempted just to kind of pick someone, that's probably more from a standard of thinking, I'm going to miss out on something rather than I feel life on this relationship. And you look at courting, and that was the standard for centuries and decades. It mostly changed around the 1950s is when we see all of the sexual revolution and things start to influence how people choose their partner. They get away from friends and family. They get away from church. They get away from even school. And that's how they are meeting their person. And like, hey, I met my husband on Instagram. I'm not saying that the Lord can't work within that. But I'm saying those were areas where people were already vetted. And it's like, you know, your mom would introduce you to someone. It's like, well, this is a great guy. But you still got to say, okay, awesome. But do I feel like to choose that? There's something that's important on both sides. And so I think it's neat that we have both those camps. But yes, please don't just pick someone because you feel like all the pieces of the pie are being taken and you have to grab one. Yeah. Do you think that going back to that courting setup that you just described, that basically this was someone that the family knows and the family knows the other family, you get to know each other together, you fall in love kind of in that communal setting. is the antidote to a lot of just like the chaos and isolation and the series of heartbreaks that we see today. Like you said, I'm not demonizing all apps. I know people married who met each other on dating apps, but just in general, like the culture of immediacy and superficiality and like high emotions, quick obsession, then being ghosted. I just don't know that our hearts were created to be able to handle all of that. So do you think that reverting back to kind of how it was pre first sexual revolution is the way to go? I do. And I think we see a correlation between the decline in servanthood within even the family dynamic and the decline of servanthood in marriage. Like we are such independent beings that it makes sense we don't necessarily know how to do relationships in marriage well, because that's a lost art. And we see that Jesus modeled that servanthood so, so well. He, of course, had his times of solitude and his own purpose that none of his disciples could live up to, but he did things in community. He had impact in crowds and people around him. And so I think we, even going to the courting model is like, you met people in family because people still wanted to be with their families. They wanted to be part of church. They wanted to be part of friendships, not just because they wanted something to do or to belong, but they wanted to serve the mission of those things. So I think if we can get back to a model of, you know, mission in our life of serving of being around people, and then courting, I mean, I feel like you're saying the women that are being ghosted, I would love for those women to have people that are in their inner circle. It's like, hey, I'm going to vet this person with you. I'm going to be part of that evaluation stage, because that's is what dating is for. It's just evaluation. It should be this quick clarity of, you know, are you my person or not? But the average couple today dates for two and a half years. You know, like me and you were a couple months with dating and now people are dating for 30 months. And I'm like, what more are you actually garnering that you cannot ascertain in that period? So get people around you. Like, let's have this modern day courting. If you meet online, like bring people in. I think So many couples have the uphill battle of trying to figure it out by themselves. So many women have the battle of trying to see, is this the right guy for me? Does his actions match his words? And if you can bring in trusted voices, it's going to serve you hopefully so much less heartache and even just more clarity. And if you're thinking, well, this guy's great. Like, you know, we've been going out by ourselves. And why do I need to bring someone in? If he has nothing to hide, then there's going to be nothing that has to be hidden. And just bring more eyes and trusted voices into it. And it also helps with the sexual aspect of it too. You're waiting until you get married. Being around people really helps that. And I think some people think, well, in order to really know this person, I have to be spending all of this time with them alone. I'm not saying you should never have alone time. But there's a difference between alone time when you're taking a walk in the park and going to get coffee and alone time at 11 p.m. watching TV in a dark room by yourself. Yeah, like you're not talking. You're not getting to know them at that point anyway. And so talk about that a little bit, because that's also apparently a little controversial in the world today. This so-called purity culture that is being demonized. And I could definitely talk about like the bad and the ugly of some of the messages that we were told growing up. But essentially, we are told to flee sexual immorality. We see Joseph fleeing Potiphar's wife, literally running away from it. It sounds to me like this family courtship system would really help us completely flee. Because I think we think not sinning is getting as close to sinning as possible and then stopping at the furthest point. And that is not how a Christian is supposed to live our lives. We've all done that probably at some point. But that's not what's best for our heart and body and future spouses. Right. Like why put yourself in a position that's so hard? It's hard to be right on the line and not tiptoe it. So true. So my husband really modeled this so beautifully. And I'm so thankful that he guarded our purity in such a great way. He had a friend where if we did have a later night hangout, he said, okay, I'm going to call my friend and we're going to put a timer on the phone, make sure we're separated by this time. And I was like, oh, that's sweet. You know, the timer would go off and I'm like, but it's okay. Like, I just want to keep hanging out with you. And he said, no, like I know the slippery slope this is. Yeah. And I love his heart for that because, you know, one of the things, and I'm loose to say promises because I don't want to say that God gave me the promise of this great man, but I did feel the urging to believe, again, for that purity and character. And so the fact that I got to marry someone that was a virgin on our wedding day, it just seems like high school me would be like, how on earth? Where did you find him? But yeah, accountability. And maybe you don't have great parents. Maybe you don't have a strong community around you. Form that. Maybe if you have the gift of singleness right now, like form those people that are going to stand by you on your wedding day, that are going to walk through the evaluation with you. Find mentors, find a couple that's doing marriage well and glean from them in that. Last sponsor for the day is Preborn. Preborn is the organization that equips the pregnancy centers across the country to have what they need to serve these women who are in crisis. For example, they make sure that these pregnancy centers have sonogram equipment. When a woman gets a sonogram, she sees that baby inside her room as a baby, a human being made in God's image and not just a clump of cells like Planned Parenthood tells her. She is so much more likely to choose life. These pregnancy centers are all about giving women hope, giving them the resources they need to keep their child. And Preborn is equipping all of these pregnancy centers to do just that. But they need your help. If you can donate just $28 to pre-born, you are covering the cost of a life-saving ultrasound session. But whatever you can donate helps save a life. Maybe it's $28,000. Maybe it's $2.80. Everything goes towards saving the lives of these little babies. Go to pre-born.com slash Allie, pre-born.com slash Allie. what are some of the specific prayers you prayed that you saw answered in your husband i see so much of maybe not necessarily answered in the way that we understand it um which i think is sometimes hard because we're used to such as like you said an instantaneous lifestyle by the whole way that our system operates today. But I see those answers continue to play out in the way that he's a father, the leadership he carries. He recently stepped into a new role at the ministry, and I was honestly just shocked. I was like, you've become such a great leader. And now I'm thinking about it like, well, why am I shocked? I've been praying that over him. Not that that's all on my own strength, but I've just come alongside that in a small way and believing that the Lord will grow him and equip him. And so I've seen him, like I said, be someone that guarded my purity instead of tempted it. I saw that he was clear with his intentions. He was unafraid to be truly a man of God. He had convictions. He had passion. I even just saw when I was praying the Lord give me dreams of aspects that my future husband would have. And in such a kind way, I feel like he tucked those away to where we're on our first date I was thinking okay this guy is tracking He seems to be the type of man I looking for And on our second date had a moment of real clear like this vision that I had dreamed about come to fully intact And I had this dream whenever I was praying for my future husband, I went to sleep one night and I'm walking in this field and somewhere I'd never been. I see this crowd out in front and then I realized I'm holding hands with someone and I look over and I look up and it's this man I'd never seen. He has like this wavy hair. I was like, what are we doing? Like, where are we going? And he said, it's our engagement party. And then he put on his glasses and I woke up and I was like, well, thank you, Lord, because that man was attractive and taught like all the things. But I'd never met him before. So obviously I'm still praying for someone that's not yet out there. I haven't missed it. I'm not crazy. At least that's what I was taking that as. And then on our second date, we were long distance. So we were doing like a FaceTime movie date and he said, hold on, I have to go put my glasses on. He comes back into the frame. And as soon as I saw him, it was like that dream reawoken, which I'm so grateful that that was tucked away. Because, you know, when you're praying for specifics, especially if you have like a list of some sort, I think in God's kindness, he like tucks those away. So we're not just like looking. I mean, it would have been really easy to wake up the next day, find a guy with curly hair and glasses and be like, you, you're my future husband. But I think when we're praying for vision and for clarity that the Lord will kindly reawaken those and show us when to trust that. And like, you know, his timing is never off. And I believe that's so true, whether your timing is in singleness or when something comes to fruition. And so relying on that so keenly is such a gift it was to me. You know, there might be people watching this, maybe they're in their late 30s, they're not married yet. And they're listening to us. They're like, wow, you all got married when you were 23. You dated for under a year. You don't know what it's like. you don't know the heartbreak that I've gone through of having this hope deferred over and over again. Would you say that this book about praying for your future husband is for that stage of life to that woman who really feels completely hopeless that her desire for a family is ever going to be fulfilled? Yes, I would. And not because I can encapsulate that perfectly, but because the principle stays true. And anytime we're believing for the Lord in prayer and faith, It's not to ascertain an answer, but it's to pray for his nature. His nature is comforter. His nature is provider. His nature is healer. If you have been heartbroken and I'm so comforted in any hard season of Ecclesiastes, there is a time to grieve. There's a time to lament. But what the Lord does, and I love watching this in the Psalms, is David comes in all like hot and angry or sad and depressed. And that time of prayer transforms his heart. And he actually speaks to his soul. And he says, why am I downcast? Not because it's not valid, but because it's not the ending point. And so that's something I try to keep in mind. And there is validity to people that might say, maybe you are called a singleness. Maybe the Lord does want to do this. But from what I have seen in what this book is, I feel like there is a need for more hope out there. And that's not necessarily what you receive when you're single. It's not necessarily what you receive when you're separated or your widow. And so maybe there are other paths, but what I feel the call to do is just to inspire hope. Like have audacious faith. The amount of people in the Bible, such as Noah when he's building the ark, Simeon whenever he's preparing for the Messiah to come and baby Jesus walks in and he knows immediately, Joseph when he has the dream and he has that delayed waiting, that faith looks crazy to some people. Some people laugh at it. Some people question it. And so if you are in the season of waiting has been long, I'm tempted to give up. People are telling me I should give up. My MO would say to have faith, not that it's easy, not that you don't have valid emotions and frustrations, but because I would rather wait on something, believing the Lord can do it rather than short sighted because I stopped believing that he was going to do something. I think it's also so important to remember that yes to the world, praying for a future husband past the time that the world says, oh, well, that's too late. It's not going to happen for you. You're this age does look crazy, but time spent in the Lord's presence is not wasted time. Exactly. Even if, because I can't guarantee, no one can guarantee what your love story is going to look like. if you are going to find a husband, if you're going to find a husband in the next five years. We just don't know. But it is not stupid or wasted time praying for that because the lesson that I learned from you when you were talking is like the Lord sanctified you and healed you and taught you things in his word, not just things that he accomplished in your husband, which is really important, but time spent in prayer, time spent in faith, time spent in his word is not time that's wasted. And I think that that's really important. So if you're like at that point, you're like, well, there's no point in me praying for this anymore, because it's probably not just going, it's just not going to happen. Psalm 16 tells us that at his right hand are pleasures forevermore. So no matter what stage of life you're in, your joy doesn't have to start when you find your husband, when you get married, when you have kids, good desires, but the Lord wants you to know that you can have the fullness of pleasure right now because you're in his presence. And I think that's comforting for all of us. And that's not something that like, I don't have to have experienced the same length of waiting and singleness as someone else to be able to guarantee what God's word says about pleasure and joy and fulfillment in his presence. So just an important thing to remember. Absolutely. And I think you're touching on the idea of comparison even in those seasons. I felt that writing this book, like, can I even write this because I haven't waited as much as other people, but comparison is one of those traps where we're going to miss out on the specific things that the Lord wants to do for you because we think, well, it doesn't look like, you know, my waiting season doesn't look like my friend's. She's engaged. I've been praying longer. In Luke 8, we see this account where I think there was a little bit of unfairness where Jairus is saying, come heal my daughter, please, Jesus. I trust in you. I'm asking you to do this and on the way there this woman interrupts him who needed her own healing and they have to stop and wait for him to heal her and in my mind Jairus was probably like hey Jesus we were coming to my house like we can come back to her this was my turn but she has this moment where in not knowing her story she had been waiting for I believe to be like years over a decade for this healing. And so in our limited, narrow mindset, it's easy to see the linear equation of that, of like, well, who gets to get it first? When really, Jesus is working on both behalves. And then the element in both of their stories is he tells her, go, your faith has healed you. And then he tells Jairus, when everyone's laughing at him, hey, your daughter's dead. This healing's not going to happen anymore. You should just give up. Jesus says, basically, don't listen to them, just have faith. And he heals her. He resurrects someone that was dead. And probably people feel that way about their relationship status of singleness. It's like, there's no way God can do this anymore. And the element of faith is so important. And he tells us, you know, that looks different for each person. There's different timelines. There's different purposes. There's different reasons why I'm stopping and doing this for them now. I'm coming to you. You are not forgotten. I think that's the thing I want people to walk away with is, though comparison could happen, though you could say, well, I'm after this person. I've been waiting longer. I've been praying for years. In my mind, I would say, yes, that's not fair. I would have said that to Jairus, but the Lord has an intention in everything. He orders our steps. He does not forsake us. And I believe that that has to be true. Yeah, that's such a good lesson to learn from that passage that I hadn't really thought about before that I'm sure Jairus is like, he is on his own timeline. He's feeling urgency as we all would, but God is never late. And he's like, you know what? It's going to take, whether she's dead or alive, it's going to take supernatural power for me to heal. And so you just trust me. But I mean, imagine that situation, no worse situation, your kid dying, your child dying. Of course, you're feeling like, I'm sorry, you're taking a pit stop. Like, this is the most important thing in the world. I can't imagine how distressing that must feel. And if that is true, that in that moment, Jesus wanted to pause and do something else as he so often did when he was going to do something, he paused and did something else. Then, I mean, how much more is he doing that? Probably in all of the little ways in our lives when we feel like this, oh my gosh, this is late, this is late, this is late. God is never We always say on this show that God's eternal plan of redemption is always going off without a hitch. He's never surprised or taken aback. I love that aspect of your book, just believing in the Lord for his goodness and being taught through the power of prayer. What else do you want people to walk away with after they finish your book? oh um i think the idea that you know there there is so much more to this and i'm glad you touched on this there's so much more than this than just receiving the husband and truthfully if i could be completely transparent sometimes it's easier to pray for your future husband coming and then receive that gift and be like okay check i got it i'm here but the power of prayer is so needed It's so crucial. My time praying for my future husband isn't enough to sustain our marriage. I need to stay in prayer. One, not just for him to be blessed, but for us to stay together. Like the enemy hates marriage. There is so evidently a spiritual attack on marriage. And I think part of that is why we're seeing dating and singleness being as tough as it is, because he doesn't want people to come together stronger. But staying in prayer of, you know, even if someone's watching this, there's the Dear Future Husband Prayer Journal companion. It doesn't just have to be for a future husband. Use it for your husband. Guard him. Cover him. Something I'm aware of is death and life is in the power of the tongue. And I see so much right now in the media of just put men down, speak negatively about men. Maybe you're single and you're saying dating is the worst. Men just don't know how to lead. That may be true, but how are we speaking about it? Like men don't know how to lead, so I'm going to cover them so that they are able to lead. my husband and I have been in a dry spell. I'm going to speak life and blessing over that. The quote that there is a king and a fool and every man and who you speak to arises is something so true. And so I'm convicted of that. Even telling women, pray for your future husband. How am I praying for my husband? How am I speaking to him? Am I seeing, even when he's on his good days, am I seeing him to be great? Is my words and my prayers, the way I create an atmosphere in our home? Is that for life and power and for God to move? Or is it this halt? Or is it even a negative? I want to challenge myself and challenge other women. Let's pray for our husband, pray for your future husband, speak well of them and call into things not that yet as they are, but as they could be. That's so important. Most of the people who watch this podcast are already married. And it's so true that whatever you prayed for your future husband, you should also be praying for your current husband, because you're right, it's easy to think, oh, I did this to get this and I got it. So I'm done. But all of that spiritual formation that you wanted in your future husband, how much more? Do we want it for the father of our children? And now we actually know the circumstances that they're going through, their insecurities, all of those things. And we know specifically how to pray. It's just as powerful in the present moment as it was when we were anticipating this gift. Yeah. And I don't know about your husband, but my husband is so stoic and it's a quality I love about him, but he's not going to come up to me the same way as my girlfriend and say, Hey babe, I need prayer in this. Like, can you help me? He's going to show it in often unspoken ways. And so it takes spiritual eyes to even be able to discern that. Yes, it's easier once you're with him to see how to pray for him, but you also just need to be, um, not you, but like all of us need to stay adamant on searching that out. And I read something in Jeremiah 15 that really struck me by this because Jeremiah is over here being faithful. The world's a little cray-cray. I'm sure we can relate to that. And he's pleading for them. And God says, I need you just to stop. Like, this is my plan. And then he gets to this point of complaining about it. And he's like, God, you know, it's better that I was never born. Like, what's my purpose here? It's obviously not making a difference. And then God says, I need you to stop and repent so that I may restore you. And he's over here like, I haven't done anything wrong. I'm the only one doing something right. And he's like, yes, but I need you to be my mouthpiece. And that requires that you're not complaining. You're not saying what things are. You're saying what they could be. And so, you know, it's not an easy call to be a godly wife. It's not an easy call to be a godly husband. But the Lord can use that to do incredible things. And I'm hoping that there's more kingdom marriages. There's more restored relationships and identity. But that's going to come with us counting the cost, as Jesus tells us to do. And I believe there's blessing that comes when we do that well. Yeah. And it's so transformative, both for the person you're praying for and for you. When every time you're tempted to complain or to criticize or to nag, you turn that into prayer, both for yourself to repent and to not be a complainer and a nagger and a negative Nancy and all of that, but also for them to become the man that you know that they are called to be. I love what you said about a fool and a king and every man and who we speak to and who we pray for. Yeah. Like it really makes a difference. God has preordained that the power of prayer has great authority and power as it is working. And that's really what this book is about. And we wed that with romance and finding the person that we're spending the rest of our lives with. And it's really, really not only life changing, but world changing. Yeah. Because strong marriages change the world. Everyone can buy your book wherever books are sold, right? That is correct. If they can, you know, figure out how to spell my last name, It's hard for some people. They can find it. We get Beaver, Bevere. Oh, Bevere. Okay. I hadn't heard that one. That one's fancy. I know. I like that one. Christian Fevere. They can buy it on Amazon. Follow you on Instagram and all of that good stuff. And plug your podcast, your podcast as well. Yes. It's called the Dear Future Husband Podcast. We're very on brand there with all the Dear Future Husband stuff. Yeah, love it. And yes, for anyone that's waiting and wanting to have a resurgence of hope in their love story. Love it. Thank you so much, Christian. Thank you, Allie. Thank you.