This F*cking Guy: Laura Loomer

Welcome to another episode of This Fucking Guy, the series where we pick one fucking guy making America worse and explain why they suck. I'm Erin Ryan, host of Crooked Media's Hysteria Podcast. And I'm Alyssa Mastromonaco, the other host of Crooked Media's Hysteria Podcast. You know, Alyssa, if I have to be generous, there are some fucking guys who I actually don't think I'd mind sitting next to on an airplane. Like, they might be evil, but they're not going to try to eat your face off while you're sleeping. If I had to pick a fucking guy to sit next to, it would probably be Jerry Falwell because he's dead. Oh, see, I was going to say Samuel Alito. He would just do stink face the whole time. He wouldn't want to talk to me, which would be fine. But Erin, today's subject is a person who is so erratic and unhinged that she sets off primal alarm bells in my brain. I see her and my flight response almost takes over. Yeah, same. Today, we are talking about Laura Loomer, perennially friendless MAGA goblin whose desperate racist histrionics were at one point a goofy sideshow. But not anymore. Somehow the final boss of MAGA Face has won the trust of the President of the United States. Following the life of Laura Loomer, Alyssa is a bit like unpeeling an onion that keeps getting more and more putrid the further you get in. On the surface, it's the story of an emotionally unstable woman with a maladaptive fixation on getting the attention of a world leader no matter what. But the further down you get, the more you see that her story is really about how technology has allowed the worst humans in the world to connect, befriend each other, egg each other on, and how now, because of that, they're the ones in charge. Well, as the Grateful Dead would sing, going to hell in a bucket, but at least they're enjoying the ride. Laura Luber did not, in fact, grow alongside the slime mold that scientists have discovered on the rims of deep-sea hot water vents. She was born to two human parents on May 21, 1993, in Tucson, Arizona. 1993! If you get nothing else from this episode, consider it a cautionary tale against doing stuff to your face when you're too young. Laura's father was a rheumatologist and her mother was a nurse. There's not much publicly available information about her mother. Online reviews of her father's current medical practice show that he's apparently a competent medical professional, but competent doctor does not equal good dad. Laura has described her childhood as very violent. Her older brother suffered from severe mental illness. When she was a tween, her brother attacked her mother and was sent to live in a residential facility. And after that incident, her parents divorced. Her older brother, the one who attacked her mother, grew up and started a clothing label that sells hoodies festooned with inscrutable anti-Democrat designs that looked like they were put together by a disturbed person. Her other brother grew up to be a bit of a shit poster. Great family overall. Laura's dad got custody of Laura and her other brother and promptly sent them to a boarding school called the Orm School, which is a, quote, ranch-based private school north of Phoenix that closed down permanently in 2025 due to lack of funds. Laura was one of 32 people in her entire class and helped manage the rodeo and football teams. Honestly, that school sounds like it slaps. It does. Laura's classmates say that she was an attention-seeking asshole. A 2025 New Republic article by Nina Burley describes high school Laura as, quote, blonde and pudgy, and quoted a classmate who said, quote, we were all close. You kind of just dealt with Laura. You felt bad for her. Another anecdote in the New Republic piece implies that her classmates thought that not even her parents really liked her. She had to have surgery at one point, and nobody came to take care of her, even though Tucson was only a few hours away. Somebody else's mom helped her recover instead. According to a classmate, Laura's parents put her in school to get her out of the way, and her dad, quote, wanted her gone. Laura describes her high school years as characterized by feeling anxious and depressed. Okay, Laura, there's a club for that. It's called Everybody, and most of us don't grow up to be psychotic racists. Reading between the lines about her early life, it sounds like Laura was off-putting and had no friends. Because, of course, kids can be cruel. I get it. And, of course, being a teenager is hard. But some of Laura's loneliness was her own fault. Most of it, actually. For example, she once screamed at two Turkish exchange students that they were terrorists when they were trying to pray. She was also a big John McCain fan, which is crazy to picture given how if John McCain were alive today, next to a mainstream Republican, he would look like Elizabeth Warren. After graduating from the high school where nobody liked her for totally understandable reasons, Laura moved across the country to attend a college where nobody would like her. Mount Holyoke, of all places. No fact unearthed in the research of a fucking guy has ever shocked me more than Mount Holyoke. Mount Holyoke, one of the top 30 liberal arts colleges in the United States, attended by Emily Dickinson, Chloe Zhao, and Laura Loomer. Bet you'll only find two of those names on an admissions brochure. Absolutely. Unsurprisingly, Laura had a bad time at Mount Holyoke. I don't know what she expected. There was a school-wide message board that once contained an active thread entitled, I Hate Laura Loomer, Laura claims. We can't look up this particular message board thread anymore, but Fact Check says feels true. Feels true. Later, Laura would tell the New York Post that the venerated women's college was an indoctrination factory for woke and encouraged lesbianism, which might be a bit of a cope on her part. She only made it one semester at Holyoke before transferring to Berry University in Miami, Florida, a Catholic college that accepts 77 percent of applicants and that U.S. News and World Report ranks somewhere between the 395th and 434th best national university of the United States out of 436. She's moving on down. Moving on down. In Miami, Laura found more of her people. Idiots? Yeah, idiots. Might seem like an odd choice for a Jewish woman from Arizona to land at a Catholic university in Florida, but it was at Berry that Laura learned that her unhinged brand of screeching could get her something that she desperately wanted but never got from her parents. Attention. In 2014, she complained on Facebook that her university's interfaith 9-11 memorial service was opened by an imam, who, according to Laura, literally chanted Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar, which means God is greater, is something that Muslims say before many prayers. It's like getting mad at someone saying, dear God. Uh, yes. Laura's a dummy. But loud dummies tend to get attention in the social media age, and her Facebook screed caught the eye of Gateway Pundit and Breitbart News. From there, she got invited to a David Horowitz Freedom Center gala in West Palm Beach. Getting to the smelly part of the onion already. The David Horowitz Freedom Center is an anti-Islam organization that has been designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. It was at this hate fet that she met James O'Keefe, who at that point was at the height of his powers at the helm of Project Veritas, a sort of hidden camera pranks meets ethics-free journalism outfit that was all the rage during the Obama years. When James met Laura, Project Veritas was most famous for a stunt where O'Keefe dressed up as a pimp and tried to get tax advice from ACORN, an organization that aimed to provide financial advice and services to low- and middle-income people. The sting videos released by Veritas appeared to show employees from Acorn offering O'Keefe and his prank partner, Hannah Giles, dressed as a spirit Halloween prostitute, Natch, advice on avoiding taxes. An independent investigation revealed that no Acorn employees had broken the law, but that didn't stop the uproar. The government ended its contracts with the organization, and it lost so much public and private funding that it eventually had to close its doors. So not to get too in the weeds here, but that's who Laura turned all heart-ized over at this hate group party she attended. Once James O'Keefe accepted her offer of help, Laura got straight to work. In 2015, when she was a senior at Barrie, Laura went around on campus secretly recording university staff as she pitched a pro-ISIS student club. Project Veritas released the video claiming that it showed the staff was into it, except that's not even what the video showed. To make matters worse, secretly recording conversations is illegal in the state of Florida. A staff member at Berry reported Laura, and Laura says she was suspended from college. Yeah, Laura says a lot of things about that incident, few of any of which are verifiable. In one interview that she did with a Florida political magazine, Loomer claimed that she graduated as valedictorian from Berry University. This despite her claim that she'd also been suspended during her senior year. Further, per Mediaite, local news was never able to verify any part of this story, whether she'd been suspended and whether she'd even graduated at all. I'll tell you what, Mount Holyoke wouldn't have given her a diploma after that stunt. No. Undaunted by that faceplant, Laura was busy doing other sting operations for Veritas. Laura appeared on a joke dating show, for example, called The Cannibal Cop Dating Game, hosted by comedian Pat Dixon. The bachelor was Gilberto Valle, a.k.a. the Cannibal Cop, a former New York City police officer who had just completed serving 21 months in jail for posts online, wherein he fantasized about killing and eating women, including his own wife. Perhaps the joke of having Laura go on the show has been lost to the intervening years, but here it is. Tell us about yourself, Laura. What do you like to do? I love politics. I love Donald Trump. Just having a good time. You're a catch right there. Would you say you're most like a spicy enchilada, a zesty sauce, or a good old-fashioned beef curtain sandwich with cheddar? Let's start with bachelorette number two. It would be a zesty sauce because I would hit the spot, but then I would have you coming back for more later. The saucy way you have a sitting there, too. And it would be a really wet sauce. Ew. Ew. It's fucking gross. During the summer of 2016, Loomer, occasionally alone and occasionally with accomplices, attempted multiple times to trick Hillary Clinton campaign volunteers into violating campaign finance laws. In one instance, a woman claimed that her parents had maxed out 2,700 donations each and sought to route more through her. In another instance, Loomer told a campaign volunteer that she was Canadian and needed to falsify her address in order to make campaign contributions. They never did trick the Clinton people into doing anything illegal, but they sure tried. While Laura Loomer is often compared to the bad guy from the Saw horror franchise, because she's mutilated her face in a way that looks like him, the plots she cooks up never equaled the demented genius of Jigsaw. In fact, her plots rarely, if ever, rose above first pitch for a bad Scooby-Doo episode. Her thirsty Clinton antics were no different. For these stings, Loomer and her crew used aliases like Allison Holmes, Jess Kosky, and Jess Jones. All the aliases that the Veritas squad gave the Clinton campaign were linked to the same phone number, which was tied to a conservative student group. Further photos identified Loomer wearing a Clinton baseball cap at an Iowa event. None of the Veritas videos attempting to gotcha the Clinton campaign really cut through to anybody who didn't already have Clinton derangement syndrome. But Loomer talks about them like she was out there exposing the truth like MAGA Ronan Farrow. The Clinton campaign even told reporters they knew something was going on while the attempted sting operations continued. The gig was up, but Laura kept trying. Can't believe Project Veritas never won a Peabody. In later interviews, Laura would talk about her work with Veritas like she'd really done something, like a basketball player celebrating after airballing a half-court shot. On Election Day 2016, Loomer showed up in a burka to a New York polling station and asked for a ballot under the name Huma Abedin. There's that trademark Loomer subtlety. Poll workers at first did what they're supposed to do. They checked their records against the name, but then they got suspicious because the story was ridiculous and also because Laura Loomer is not a good actress. Loomer was never issued a ballot and she wasn't allowed to vote. Did that stop Loomer from claiming that the interaction proved that voter fraud was easy? No. No, it didn't. Oh, it's funny because if she hadn't chosen as her alias the name of Hillary Clinton's top aide, who was at the time a well-known public figure, she would probably have had a better chance at success. Laura also once put a burka on the Fearless Girl statue on Wall Street. Not sure what point she was trying to make there. But the goofiness of Laura's investigative journalism, for those of you listening and not watching, I am making the biggest, most sarcastic air quotes of all time around that phrase, was partly why she kept making headlines. Alyssa, do you remember in the early 2010s when there was a scary clown showing up in Brooklyn's Greenwood Cemetery? It's the stuff of nightmares. You remember that, right? Of course I do. If that scary clown had just been a guy in civilian clothes popping out from behind graves, it might have just been a local story. But it was the clown costume that really helped it go national. And I think that explains Laura Loomer. Right. Laura instinctively knows that the best way to get attention is to go full evil clown. Absolutely. Still, Laura found time in her busy professional clowning schedule to make a fool of herself in social settings, too. Like in this video from 2016 where she's seen hitting on eco-fascist, didn't know that was a thing, Michael Ma at a nightclub. Your hair and your eyes look so good. You're, like, beautiful. Thank you, thank you. You're arian, too. I know, but I'm Jewish. It's okay. The Nazis hate me. It's fine. All right, people want to put me in a gas chamber because they're obsessed with the Jews. I don't, I think they're just memeing on you, but it's okay. They're just jealous because they have big tits and an Ashkenazi IQ. Yes, that's what it is. You got it. I'm going to tell you a secret. Like, you know, so many people in this movement who preach trad life are like fucking people on the side and like cheating on their partners. That's so bad. Like they're not even like really trad life. She's an absolute total fucking train wreck. She is a black hole of game. Like there is no, like. No. No. Now, we know it's 2016 because that's her original nose. In 2017, Laura left Project Veritas to join Rebel Media, a Canadian conservative outlet that has also been the landing latrine for such media shit stains as Gavin McGinnis and Lauren Southern Deeper into the smelly onion we go Rebel was Laura first big girl job meaning she didn need to go around wearing silly costumes as though she was being publicly shamed for coming in last in her fantasy football league She had one moment while employed there that broke through the noise and that was when she disrupted the Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar that depicted a Trump-like figure being assassinated. Laura shouted and stormed the stage in protest. During Friday evening's performance, Laura Loomer stormed the stage, interrupting the performance, denouncing the depiction of violence against the right and following the interruption, Loomer was in fact arrested by the NYPD. She joins us now. This has been really important to me because the left has systematically and programmatically used free speech and artistic expression as a pretext to incite violence against the right and promote the assassination of President Donald Trump. And that's really problematic. Shakespeare once said that violent delights lead to violent ends, right? And so when you're going to delight in the assassination of our president, it's going to have a violent end. So as we watch this, we're probably thinking the same thing that a contemporaneous New Yorker piece quoted a bystander as saying. Who is this crazy bitch? But the incident, which ended with Laura being booked on misdemeanor trespassing and disorderly conduct, was huge for Laura Loomer. Hours after the echoes of her shrieks had died down and she was released from police custody, Laura met a member of the Proud Boys and then MAGA dung beetle Jack Prosobiak for dinner, where, according to The New Yorker, the trio sat together staring at their phones. Not only did this stunt get the hashtag Free Laura trending on Twitter, it turned her into the main character. More important still, Laura's Julius Caesar freakout had gotten the attention of the ultimate object of worship for people with malignant daddy issues, Donald Trump, who did not understand why a play about a leader being assassinated would allude to a leader being assassinated. It's a complicated concept to grasp. Also, the play is often performed with characters that resemble contemporary leaders being killed. One production in 2012 featured an Obama-like character. But I digress. Screaming loudly enough for strangers to ask who this crazy bitch was proved to be Laura's bread and butter. The Shakespeare in the Park incident thus planted the seeds for a chapter in Laura's life that would surprise the people who thought Laura Loomer was just an attention-seeking Islamophobia jester. Laura was going to show them all. But first, she was going to embarrass herself again. In early August, she claimed that somebody had slashed her tire, and whoever had slashed it had done it because she'd been doxed. The left was out to get her and her tire. Interesting story, but Twitter users were quick to point out that actually that tire just looked like it was a rotten tire that hit something and blew up maybe. In response, Laura posted one of the greatest flounce tweets of all time, a perfect illustration of how silly web-sick people sound when they throw an internet conniption. If you won't stand with me, then I won't stand with you. I'm not going to defend people I disagree with when they won't defend me and my tire. Justice for her tire. My tire. Why didn't she call, I'm getting ahead of myself, but why didn't she call her book that? Me and my tire. That would have been funny. That would have been funny. Alas, Laura's rebel media job had only lasted a few weeks beyond the day that people failed to defend her and her tire. She resigned from the company in September, reporting hints that Loomer quit because she wasn't a good fit for that place. Oh, my God. Basically, once again, unlikable Laura was not liked. Something interesting about her leaving Rebel Media is that the month before was the Unite the Right rally, which, as most of us remember, devolved into what can best be described as a few hoods shy of a full-on Klan march. Loomer, who is Jewish and regularly scream-tweeting about anti-Semitism from the left, didn't have anything to say about her employer's favorable coverage of the march organizers or the fact that one of her colleagues appeared on a Daily Stormer-produced podcast after the incident. I'm just pointing that out. She didn't seem to have a problem with the Nazi-adjacent people she worked for or with. Hmm. Could it be? Could it be? That Loomer uses anti-Semitism as a cynical weapon to wield against people who aren't personally paying her money? Who are we to say? Who are we to say? We should also take a moment, now that we've arrived in 2017, to say goodbye to Laura's birth nose. See you at the crossroads, buddy. She also got her lips done that summer. The man responsible for Laura's face, Dr. Joseph Pober, was called the far right's favorite plastic surgeon by Forward in 2017. So is that who's responsible for Mar-a-Lago face? That and, new theory, Donald Trump's declining eyesight and refusal to get glasses. Do you think if he could see clearly, he'd think these people look normal? I mean, Erin, he willingly seems to paint himself orange daily. Like, I don't know. Who are we to say? That's true. Laura didn't need a full-time gig to stay in the public eye. Her notoriety was basically self-sustaining at this point. Laura was not afraid to be pointed and laughed at. In fact, she seemed to seek it out. Her shameless quest for attention read like a pathology, an addiction, Like a crackhead willing to break into a preschool to steal the copper from the air conditioning compressor. But that willingness to take it further than everybody else was about to get Luma into trouble. Not clout-increasing trouble like when she got arrested for screaming at some actors. This trouble would threaten access to supply of her favorite drug, social media validation. Yeah, by late 2018, Laura's rampant Islamophobic hate-mongering had gotten her permanently banned from a handful of apps and platforms, including Facebook, Uber, and Lyft. The big kahuna came in November of that year when Twitter banned her for a series of hateful tweets about newly elected Minnesota representative Ilhan Omar. Now, that wasn't the first time she'd said vile stuff about Muslims, but no matter how big the hay bale, there's always a last straw. Laura responded to this the way a mentally healthy and balanced individual would. She took up a hobby, learned a new language, did some solo traveling, and realized after a couple of weeks that she didn't actually miss the toxic dopamine cycle of social media at all. Just kidding. My life has been ruined, Alex, by people who have defamed me online. I am 25 years old and it will probably be like this for the rest of my life. But what are they doing? I wanna know what people are actually going to do. My life is ruined. Does anybody understand how ruined my life is? I'm sick of it. I don't wanna listen to people tell me that I'm a conspiracy theorist. They don't know what it's like to be me. My life is ruined, Alex. No, I understand. I just think you need to go with it. But at least the president is concerned about it. That was so disturbing. It's so disturbing, but also like when Alex Jones is like, there, there, let's bring it down. She took it further, though, handcuffing herself to the New York City headquarters of Twitter, wearing something that resembled the stars that Jews were forced to wear in Nazi Germany and yelling into a bullhorn. You are not going to silence me. This is not just about me, though. This is about the millions of conservatives who are censored in silence on social media every single day. This behavior feels worthy of a 51-50 hold. The wild thing about this was that she only handcuffed herself to one of the double door handles so people could still go in and out the other door while she yelled about Hitler into a bullhorn. If I stumbled upon that scene, I'd probably do a little U-turn and text everyone that we're going to work from home until the situation clears. Absolutely. Years later, Laura tried to sue the platforms that banned her, even after she was unbanned from a few of them. The Supreme Court rejected her case, but Loomer has threatened to continue fighting. We laugh now, but the Overton window is basically one big piece of curvy glass that goes around the whole building at this point. Maybe she'll win and sue the smoldering wreckage that remains of Twitter one day when things are even stupider than they are now. Desperate to turn the attention spigot back on, in 2019, Loomer announced that she'd be running for Congress in a deep blue Florida district that had been represented by Lois Frankel since 2012. It also just so happened to be President Trump's home district since he had fucked off from New York to Mar-a-Lago after winning the 2016 election. Knowing what we know about Laura now, doesn't this feel in retrospect like she was engaged in some electoral histrionics in an attempt to get Trump's attention? Oh, definitely. So Laura won the Republican primary. Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. She only received 14,500 votes. Like, that's how Democratic this district is. She only got 14,500 votes, and that was enough to get her to the general. Another important lesson from Laura Loomer's life, vote in primaries. Vote in primaries. Donald Trump endorsed her, not in person, via tweet, which is a weird way to endorse somebody who is permanently banned from the platform and couldn't see it unless somebody else told her. As expected, Loomer lost to Frankel in the general by almost 20 points. Could it have been that Laura's Twitter ban limited her outreach, or could it be that she only appeals to broken, demented people? During her abortive foray into political candidacy, Laura wrote a memoir called Loomered. Stop. Yes. Loomered. How I Became the Most Banned Woman in the World. Oh, wow. Which was released in October 2021. I can't believe you didn't read about this in the New Yorker's 2021 year-end best-of list, right? I mean, how did I miss it? It wasn't reviewed by any mainstream publications. Shock of shocks. But descriptions from people who have read it describe it as a litany of grievances, many of which were aimed at the tyranny of Big Tech. Chaining herself to headquarters, melting down on Infowars, and Laura's mind being banned from Twitter is the worst thing that ever happened to her. This is also a great time to talk about Laura's tiresome verbizing of her last name. Loomering. Loomering refers to Laura showing up somewhere and disrupting the scene. After creating a ruckus, usually by ambushing somebody or something and screaming at it, she'll post about it and declare that a subject has been loomered. One of my crooked media colleagues was a subject of a loomering back in 2017 when she showed up to the campaign office of a politician screaming about terrorism. The encounter ended with her being escorted from the building and everybody being a little freaked out. Loomered. Loomered. The Bulwark's Tim Miller also has written about a positive loomering experience when Laura broke up a fight between him and Carrie Lake at a conservative conference. An important component of a loomering is insisting that you've won, even if you've completely face-planted or humiliated yourself. Hysteria is brought to you by Article. I've been looking to add an oversized chair to the living room that could be a designated reading chair because sitting on the rug to reread Go Dog Go for the 500th time was not cutting it anymore. So I was so excited when I found one I absolutely love on Article. It's called the Riley Velvet Sleeper Chair in Hale Rust, and it's the perfect size to fit me and the girls. It came a few weeks ago, and I love how the rust color adds a pop of color to the room, but it's also so comfortable that I could happily get through the entire Dr. Seuss and related rhyming book universe. 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I'm Dan Pfeiffer, former senior advisor to Barack Obama, and in Message Box, I break down what's actually happening in politics and what it's going to take to beat Donald Trump, MAGA. If you follow every poll and every twist and turn in the campaign, Message Box is for you. This isn't just hot takes. Every edition delivers clear analysis, behind-the-scenes insight, and practical strategy you can actually use, whether you're working on a race, organizing your community, or just trying to win the argument in your group chat. So if you're listening to this, hit pause, go to your browser, and head to crooked.com slash yeswedan, because I have a special offer for Crooked Media fans You get 20 off a message box for an entire year So go to crooked slash yes we did Laura ran for Congress again in 2022, this time challenging Republican incumbent Daniel Webster in Florida's 11th district. She lost the GOP primary that year by seven points, but refused to concede. She blamed voter fraud and big tech interference for the L. Still mad about being banned. Loomer only missed a seat in Congress by seven points. That's a tough abyss to stare into. During both of her campaigns, Laura was supported by a veritable pantheon of crooks and creeps. In addition to Trump's endorsement, which honestly could have been issued from a toilet, she had the support of Roger Stone, Matt Gaetz, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Starting to feel like this rotten onion in your analogy is more like a whole produce drawer full of liquefying aromatics. It is. And even though Loomer's political runs weren't successful, her fate was about to pivot again, thanks to Elon Musk's takeover of Twitter and willingness to let the site evolve from what it was, a sort of digital Times Square for better or for worse, into a creepy abandoned mall with a glitching loudspeaker that only plays slurs instead of music. That's because after literal years of whining about it, the self-proclaimed world's most banned woman was unbanned from Twitter in 2022. And from there, her popularity only ballooned. She might not have many IRL friends, but who cares about real human interaction when there are likes and retweets to rack up? In 2023, Laura's Trump worship intensified. She staged a demonstration outside of one of Ron DeSantis' book signings in an attempt to draw attention to what she suspected were campaign finance law violations on the part of the Florida governor. Being a stickler for campaign finance laws is not something I'd suspect from an ardent Trump supporter. Yeah, it's weird. Rules only count for my opponents. So according to one report, Loomer first met Trump a few months later when an oily MAGA kid named Paul Ingrassia brought her to Bedminster and facilitated their meeting. Like, he put her in his car. Gross. Brought her to him like she was a chair he'd bought on Facebook Marketplace. Paul Ingrassia. So many gross, deeply gross people in this story. Yeah, Alyssa, can you refresh people's memories on who that fucking guy is? Of course. Let me do the honors. Ingrassia is one of those young Republicans who was caught exchanging shitty text messages by Politico. Ingrassia at the time of the messages was an active member of the New York Young Republicans. He referred to Martin Luther King Jr. as 1960s George Floyd and other edgelord kindergarten level jokes. He also was revealed to have a touch of the sex pestitis as a female colleague had reported that he canceled her room reservation. This is so gross. This is so gross. On a work trip in what she suspected was an attempt to force them to share a hotel room. Ingrassia's nomination to head the office of special counsel was derailed by the revelations, although he eventually took a non-Senate confirmed role in the General Services Administration. So Ingrassia brings Loomer to Bedminster, somebody who worked for Trump, pointed out that she was there in a, quote, fuchsia bodycon dress. How very 2014. And Trump waves her over like he's a geriatric Sebastian Bach and she's a 30-year-old teenage runaway being summoned backstage. And here's what happened next, according to Nina Burley, writing in The New Republic. Quote, Loomer later that day posted pictures of herself with a grinning Trump on a balcony overlooking the golf course. Over the next 14 months, Trump shared Loomer content 86 times. By the end of the 2024 campaign, she was riding around on Trump Force One, most famously swanning down the Trump jet stairs when he arrived for a debate with Harris, and later standing by his side in huge dark glasses on a trip to New York for a 9-11 memorial service. Trump's late campaign buddy inspired raised eyebrows and intra-campaign panic. Social media buzzed with allegations that their friendship was more than platonic. Loomer's own tweets, including hand-holding emojis expressing her love for Trump and even crowing that he blew me a kiss at the Republican National Convention, did not cool the gossip. Let's talk a little bit more about that social media gossip, Loomer's troubling closeness to the president and what she's willing to do in order to preserve it. First, Laura either hates the rumors and speculation about her and the president or she like secretly loves them. But, you know, whatever, speculation. She hates it if that's what her lawsuit against your least favorite uncle's favorite liberal, Bill Maher, is to be believed. On September 13th, 2024, Maher quipped on an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher that he thought that Loomer and Trump were doing it. Here's a compressed version of what Maher said. For example, who's that woman we always see in the pictures with Trump? I think it might be Laura Loomer. I'm just saying. She's potentially sleeping with Donald Trump. It's not Melania. I think she might be fucking him. That's why she's always there. Maher might have thought that because two days prior on September 11th, Trump had inexplicably brought Loomer with him to a 9-11 memorial, and she'd been riding around on his plane with him a lot during that time. Didn't Loomer think that 9-11 was an inside job? Yeah, which makes him bringing her to a 9-11 memorial even weirder. And Marr might have thought that prefacing his statements with the phrase, I think, establishing that he was clearly stating an opinion, protected him from defamation suits as the First Amendment protects people's right to express their opinions, hypothetically. But Loomer and her legal team begged to differ. In October, Loomer filed a $150 million defamation suit against Marr and HBO over the remarks, claiming that they caused reputational damage that cost her a job in the White House. Loomer was represented by Larry Klayman, who is famously a fucking nutjob, who has claimed that Black Lives Matter movement aimed to incite a race war, and who has been suspended by the D.C. Bar in the past. and in November was issued a two-year suspension from practicing law in Florida. Klayman kept shouting over Marr and interrupting during his deposition. Even apart from Klayman's theatrics, both depositions were a total shitshow. Yes. In Loomer's deposition, she blurted out, seemingly for no reason, that Trump had told her that Senator Lindsey Graham is gay and asserted that Marjorie Taylor Greene had Arby's beef sandwiches in her pants. I'm sorry, what? I wish I didn't know this. Why do we got to do this? Well, in the deposition, Marr's lawyer was showcasing the hypocrisy in Loomer's argument that painting her as an adulterer did reputational harm. By having her respond to things Loomer herself had said about other people's sexual history. By Loomer's own standards, the argument went, she was causing people reputational harm every single day via social media, which includes that weird thing she'd said about Marjorie Taylor Greene's vagina. Didn't Marjorie Taylor Greene used to be among Laura's supporters? Yeah, but things soured between them at some point. There were a series of tweets Laura posted during the 2024 campaign that were so racist that Marjorie was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is too much. Pump the brakes. Pump the brakes. We know how prone to Twitter-induced conniptions Laura is. So could be that she was holding on to bad feelings over that. Or it could be that Laura's daddy issues compel her to debilitating bouts of jealousy aimed at anybody who gets more attention from the president than she does. And Marjorie Taylor Greene's once stellar relationship with MAGA was something Laura saw as an obstacle to her ultimate goal of serving Trump like a worshipful lapdog. Loomer's deposition was supposed to be sealed, but somehow, somehow it got out to the public, which prompted Marr's lawyer to accuse Loomer of leaking it. Which is exactly the sort of thing that Laura Loomer would do. By January of 2026, the judge in the case was so fed up with all the shenanigans that he reprimanded both attorneys. HBO's lawyer apologized. Clayman did not because of course he didn't. And the case is ongoing. So Laura gets selectively very upset when certain people accuse her of certain things. But it's not consistent. She's been accused of worse things than taking an old dick. At least she never got sight of the joy of getting attention through self-mortification. In 2024, she ate dog food as part of an ad read on her podcast. This is the bison product right here. It clearly says dog food topper. You can see on camera. Stop. Actually tastes good. I'm not going to lie. Wow. Yuck. Yuck. She was promoting something called Positive, which according to The Independent is a MAGA-friendly dog food company. The outlet notes that it's not clear whether Loomer chose to eat the dog food on her own or if she was asked to eat it as part of the ad read. Wow, maybe we're doing our ad reads all wrong. Loomer has always kind of existed in the dilapidated basement of the American right. beneath the baseboards alongside whatever the Republican equivalent of black mold is. And so she lives in an information ecosystem where the people positioned to be the most in the know also happen to be the most full of shit. Yeah, take for example Milo Yiannopoulos, a self-styled far-right nose tweaker who is, I must begrudgingly admit, sometimes pretty funny. Funnier on a bad day than J.D. Vance's on a good day, that's for sure. For context, Milo is bad. He was let go from Breitbart News in 2017 after videotapes surfaced of him defending adult men having sex with teenage boys, citing laws governing pedophilia as an example of the left run amok. So this vanguard of moral judgment used to be pretty tight with Laura in the years when she was doing her little Project Veritas stunts until she was in her post-ban era, which is predictable. Toxic gay men love a chaotic straight woman with low self-esteem. And that's why Ann Coulter has a reliable gaggle of gay friends. Yes. So Milo and Laura were so close as recently as 2020 that he spoke at her campaign rally to celebrate her primary win. He spoke alongside Roger Stone, who, as usual, was dressed like a machine-cloned Willy Wonka that had come out with several extra chromosomes. Gavin McGinnis was also there looking like a graying ass crack. You're so good at adding color to history, Erin. Thank you. But by 2025, things between the Wonder Twins had soured. In a blog-length post on X, Milo referred to Laura as Moronica Lewinsky, implying an association between Loomer and sexual favors performed on the president. So in 2025, Monica Lewinsky jokes had been tired for literally decades, but we do have to hand it to him for Moronica. Milo made several bonkers, bridge-burning claims in the post. Like, he claimed that Loomer was federally banned from owning a firearm because of her fragile mental health. Milo claimed that she'd been involuntarily committed to a psych ward by her father multiple times in the past five years. He claimed that she repeatedly threatened to harm or kill herself while she was banned from Twitter. This would have been when the two of them were still friends. Note to self, do not befriend Milo. Nope, that's good advice, Alyssa. Providing no evidence, he further claimed that Laura had extorted a former boss with a secretly made sex tape of the two of them. Things further ratcheted up between Laura and Milo after the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Now, Laura had been in the very recent past critical of Kirk, especially after Kirk publicly demanded the Epstein files be released in July of 2025. Loomer referred to Charlie as a political opportunist and a charlatan and claimed that his organization owed its success to President Trump's support. Could be again that she was jealous of Kirk. It's a pretty open secret that Kirk was welcomed in the Trump White House like an unofficial presidential advisor, whereas Loomer's many in persistent attempts to get a job working for Trump had been thwarted. In fact, according to Burleigh, there is and was a concerted effort among Trump's inner circle to keep Laura Loomer as far away from Donald Trump as possible. Wait, really? Yes. So we're taking a lot of tangents here, but consider it our version of the weave. So Marr's joke about Trump and Loomer having an affair relied on a less funny premise than what has been reported. Because it's not that Trump was inviting Laura Loomer to all these places. Laura was inviting herself. She would just like show up and try to get Trump to notice her and invite her to sit with him. This is a problem. As we all know by this point, what Trump does is usually what the last person he talked to said he should do. And Trump's advisers don't like that she can upset their best laid plans with our goldfish brain in chief just by showing up in something tight with a fresh dinner roll worth of fillers injected into her cheeks and chin and whispering some sweet xenophobia into his ear. Wow, Trump's cabinet, a group of people that includes such fonts of charisma as Stephen Miller and Russ Vogt are like, get this freak away from us. Yes. Loomer has been shit-talking Trump's cabinet for years as they've thwarted her efforts to get a high-level position working for the campaign or for the White House itself. She's shit-talked Trump's staff, including Chief of Staff MAGA Large Marge Susie Wiles. She's claimed that she was supposed to be President Trump's press secretary, but somebody inside stopped Trump's orders from being carried out. She's claimed that she was also hired three other times, but that some saboteur failed to carry out Trump's wishes every single time. So if Trump had actually really wanted her to work for him, like really wanted her there, and he tried to hire her, but somebody working for him kept disobeying really important orders that he was issuing, then why would that person still be in the White House? Wouldn't Trump fire that person for insubordination? Please don't try to inject logic into obsession, Alyssa. Even though many in politics are afraid to speak up against Loomer because, well, she's nuts, notice that she's never been on the In Crowds podcast. She's never been on Katie Miller's podcast. And Miller would basically interview RFK Jr.'s dirty jockstrap if it were invited to White House meetings. Nor was Loomer one of the rotating cast of In Greats invited on Charlie Kirk's podcast after he died. And our vice president decided the best use of his time was to host a podcast. You can kind of tell who doesn't want her there by noticing who isn't inviting her places. Exactly. It's not just Trump's staff that is wary of Loomer's, well, looming. According to the Burley piece, the Secret Service have something known as an LLP or Laura Loomer Protocol. The aim of this is to contain Loomer when she shows up somewhere unannounced or tries to push or argue her way into rooms where she wasn't invited in order to get closer to the president. They try to redirect her to an area where she has less access to the president without upsetting her. so much that she starts screaming. But LLP doesn't always work. I wonder what her Secret Service code name is. I bet she has one. I bet she has one. Here's another bit from Burleigh's piece that is pretty exceptional She finds a way to get herself on the campus wherever he is and then uses her cunning and ability to speak her way past people to get them to get her closer to him until he sees her a source close to the White House told me. Once he recognizes her, there is a 50-50 chance he will say, hey, Laura, come on over here. I don't blame the Secret Service for having an LLP. This is like a no. This is like celebrity stalker vibes. Turns out if you have absolutely no shame and don't care about being the most annoying cunt on the planet, you can get into a lot of places. That's how Loomer ended up in that White House meeting where she claimed to have pressured the president to fire several members of his National Security Council over disloyalty. That's probably why so few people in Trump's inner circle are willing to go on the record about her. Laura seems to really believe that she's an indispensable part of Trump's trusted group. And while it seems that Trump enjoys being lavished with worship-like attention by a woman who, through his deteriorating eyesight, looks like a blurry version of the sort of person who might have won a regional pageant in the 90s, it does not seem like the adoration goes both ways. After a man with a weapon was found on one of Trump's golf courses in September 2024, Loomer posted on X in all caps, I am driving to West Palm Beach, Florida to cover the attempted assassination attempt of President Trump. I will be posting updates from the scene once I get there. Protect President Trump at all costs. Now, does it seem that Laura Loomer is a little bit in love with Donald Trump in an almost like a Yolanda Saldivar as president of the Selena fan club type of way? She hasn't been publicly linked to anybody romantically in the past, beyond unsubstantiated rumors of sex tapes with other far-right figures, but has said that one of her relationships ended because Donald Trump was too important to her. Well, love is alive, folks. Late last year, President Trump was the one to publicly announce that Laura Loomer was engaged. We have a very beautiful young woman, very low-key, not controversial at all, Laura Loomer. The man is sort of an NPC-looking guy who hasn't been publicly named, but Laura says they met on a plane. If there weren't an actual human man with her at this meeting, I'd say it had girlfriend in Canada vibes. Loomer says she can't wait to be a wife. I'm so curious. Alyssa, I am so curious how the Trump administration is going to navigate the etiquette landmine field about how to turn down the invitation to that wedding because you know Donald Trump is going to get invited. She's going to try to get that guy to. It's going to be centered around him. She's going to try to get him to like officiate or something or walk her down the aisle or something. Absolutely, because that bitch is cuckoo. But if the president sees her for some reason, he's like, hey, come over here. He's probably one of the only people in the world to see Laura Loomer's face and think, oh, goody, this is going to be great. All right. So just to review, Milo and Laura are on the outs. Laura is finding new and innovative ways to get closer to her ultimate goal of sewing herself to Donald Trump's ass, despite staff efforts to keep her away from the president. Laura is furious at Charlie Kirk for the unforgivable crime of requesting the government stop protecting child predators. Then Charlie Kirk is killed. And suddenly, Laura does a 180. All that disloyal stuff Charlie said about Epstein? Water under the bridge. Tell me more. Laura Loomer, Charlie Kirk's newest, biggest fan after his death, was suddenly a hawk for anybody who would disparage him. And Milo, later in 2025, would cross her again, this time by going on Tim Pool's podcast and implying that another right-wing ding-a-ling named Benny Johnson, who has a wife and children and represents himself as a traditional man, is actually a barely closeted gay guy who bangs dudes all the time. This vicious far-right infighting is like looking into a garbage disposal. It's so gross, Alyssa. It is just so gross. But during Milo's rant about Benny Johnson, Milo casually implied that Charlie Kirk was also messing around with men on the side within his marriage. We cannot emphasize enough that we do not think that Milo is a reliable source. Yeah, there are other much more reliable sources out there about Benny Johnson's alleged extracurricular activities. We're not going to find them for you, but they're there. You said it, not me. We're repeating what Milo said here, not so that you take it as gospel, but rather so you can understand the Milo-Laura fight, which is a good way to understand just how vicious right-wing fringe infighting can get and how the class of person who engages in this sort of dirty business is now one degree separated from the nuclear codes. Very important point. Laura was so incensed by this Kirk slander that she came out guns a-blazin' on Milo. An ex-loomer called Milo an illegal alien who is living in California with Dove Charney when he's not living inside the Rome, Georgia residence of Marjorie Taylor Greene doing her dirty work. Just as a note, Dove is the founder of American Apparel. This is like so 2015. Yeah. I mean, with the exception of the Marjorie Taylor Greene piece. But wow, what a story, Laura. She further claimed that Milo was in a sham marriage with a man named John. She labeled him, quote, allegedly a visa overstay who is violating State Department policy by pushing out Holocaust denial and interfering in our elections by attacking Donald Trump and spreading malicious lies about Charlie Kirk, his wife, and Betty Johnson, plus a notorious drug addict who is faking cancer. And she tagged ICE in the post. Stop. Yes. Stop. Yes. She's an ICE caller. She has called ICE on people before. In November 2025, British Muslim journalist Sami Hamdi was detained by ICE at San Francisco International Airport during a U.S. speaking tour. He was released after two weeks. He says that Laura Loomer pressured DHS to detain him over his pro-Palestinian views. Laura Loomer claimed via tweet that, As a direct result of my relentless pressure on the State Department and Department of Homeland Security, U.S. officials have now moved to take action against Hamdi's visa status and his continued presence in this country. I can't do her voice because it's so annoying. Hamdi claimed that while he was in custody, the State Department seemed a bit flummoxed about why anybody was following Laura Loomer's orders about whose visas to cancel. But Milo was still in the country. As far as I know, yes. But you know what? Honestly, Alyssa, I think Milo probably loved Laura's crash out. True. He's a messy bitch who loves drama, just like the president. Rumors that Laura is extorting people, weaponizing her sexuality, and in a dangerous mental state are pretty big accusations. Is there anything out there apart from Mara's jokes and Milo's accusations that back up any of them? It's impossible to know how much of what Milo claimed is true is true. But we can verify a couple of things. First, it's actually true that Laura Loomer is banned from owning a gun. That comes from Loomer herself. She's posted about it on social media and even included photos of the letter she got from the state of Florida telling her she'd been denied a concealed carry permit. Yeah. Loomer's claimed in the past that there's a federal ban on her firearm ownership because of her political beliefs. But the truth is that people who are on the NCIS list, that's people who can't own guns legally in the U.S., West, they're allowed to find out exactly why they're on the list. There's a law that allows you to get a letter back that's like, here's why you're on the list. Well, some of the reasons that a person might end up on the list are recent domestic violence convictions, felonies, or mental health concerns. I don't think anyone normal can look at Laura Loomer's body of work and think, that person seems emotionally stable. I'd like to ask her to watch my plants when I'm away on vacation. She's been caught climbing the fence onto the grounds of the California governor's mansion wearing a sombrero. She's also been caught trying to sneak onto Nancy Pelosi's property and trying to vote as Huma Abedin. Yeah, and the sex-related accusations made against Laura aren't dissimilar from other rumors that have swirled around in the viper pit that is a fringe right-wing media and ping-ponged around Twitter. Like the report that Laura Loomer sexually harassed a male aide of Roger Stone and that a sex tape exists between her and another right-wing provocateur from years ago, plus that tape we played earlier when she lusted after a man for his Aryan features. I mean, she did once tweet that she thinks that parents should purchase recording devices for their sons so that their sons can secretly record every sexual encounter that they have with women so the women don't accuse their sons of rape. So. Oh, wow. So suffice to say, the salacious rumors Burley refers to about Loomer and Trump sound like a lot of recurring rumors about her, that Laura Loomer is both mentally unstable and sexually aggressive. Yeah. Loomer, like a lot of women who had shitty dads and in response have decided to handle that in maladaptive ways rather than going to therapy, is quite territorial about whatever man she's looking to replace her father with. Charlie Kirk, frankly, occupied a place in Trump's life that she was jealous of. He was in the way. Trump's staff, they're in the way. Most of the women that she's come out against, Ilhan Omar AOC, and a deleted scorched earth roast of far-right Congresswoman Anna Polina Luna. But Loomer, a fringe hate figure who became famous by getting attention, is now near the center of global politics. She's not supposed to be there. She wasn't invited. But she's posted herself there. She's proof that if you post hard enough and you don't care who you hurt, you can get close to destroying the world. Now, Laura Loomer has done and said so many repellent things that sexually servicing our wrinkly old rhinoceros of a president, if it were true, would not even crack the top 10 ickiest things about her. She's a gross person. She says gross things. She believes gross things. And now this is where we're at. It is a depressing point. There you have it, Alyssa, Laura Loomer. How would you rate her on her matrix of fucking guys? She might be the hardest scheming sociopath we've come to date. Oh, really? I mean, you have to think about it, Erin. Everything that has happened in her life is because she physically, like she's willed it to be. She does not accept no as an answer. A scheming sociopath is someone who elicits a secret protocol from secret service. Yes. And she's without question a true believing zealot. I mean, I'm not sure what she believes other than hatred, but she's a true believing zealot. Yeah. I mean, the Islamophobic stuff goes all the way back to like high school. So I think we could, you know, she's like, she's not like an opportunist. She's not a shapeshifter. No. No. She shapeshifts a little bit. She's in it to win it. She's in it to win it. I think she's a reckless dumbass because I think being a real. Oh, interesting. I think being a real schemer, like I think of other scheming sociopaths we've talked about on this show. like um like leonard leo for example oh yeah different different kind of scheming sociopath in my estimation right but she's like doing scooby-doo plots you know and leonard leo is like is like playing a 50-year game of chess that nobody else knows that he's playing like it's it's there's like a difference i think she's i think that she lacks the ability to restrain herself um and i think that that to me reflects reckless dumbassery get it yeah do you know companies now pay her to not tweet about them. Yes. She makes a lot of money not tweeting about certain companies. And no, see, to me, I'm like a little bit, I think that's like scheming sociopath. Like imagine extorting Fortune 500 companies or whomever it is that's paying her. And because she's such a menace to society. Yeah. Erin, that about wraps up the time we have for this episode of This Fucking Guy. If you like what you've seen, hit subscribe, share with your friends, leave us a comment And if you've got an idea for a future fucking guy, we should spotlight. This episode was written by me with an assist from Alyssa Mastromonaco. Caroline Rustin is Hysteria's senior producer. All the rest of our credits, as well as links to our sources, like Nina Burley's piece in The New Republic, can be found in our show notes. Take care, be well, and log off. And fuck that guy. If you guys like Pod Save America, please consider subscribing to our Friends of the Pod program. So Friends of the Pod get lots of stuff. You get more Pod Save America. That includes our new show, which is called Pod Save America Only Friends. It's where Dan gets naked. Where Dan gets full frontal nudity, but mostly it's a bi-weekly subscription exclusive podcast that is basically Pod Save America, but behind a paywall. 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