Chemistry Can Lie. Character Always Tells the Truth

Hey can you flip that out for me? Swimming in shallow waters. Ok let's go a little deeper. Let's get into it. Let me ask you something. Have you ever felt so connected to someone? So pulled in that you convinced yourself that feeling had to mean something? That electricity between the two of you was proof that something was real? Something was worth holding on to? Something was worth waiting for? Yeah I need to talk to you today about that. Because chemistry that kind of makes your stomach flip, that kind of makes you overlook things that you shouldn't overlook. Chemistry can lie to you. But character, character will always tell the truth. You just have to be willing to hear it. Welcome. What is up everybody? Welcome, welcome to the Listen and Speak podcast. I'm your host Jamal Marshall. We get into it not to break someone down but to build them up. And if you are joining us for the first time, welcome home. Welcome home. This podcast exists for one reason. To help you stop hearing noise and to start actually listening. Not just to other people, but to yourself. Not just to the world around you, but to yourself. Today is a solo episode. No guests, just me and the conversation that I genuinely believe someone out there is needing to hear. Someone out there has been needing to hear this for a very long time. So whatever you're doing, whatever you've got in front of you, settle in and let's get into it. But before we get into it, we've got some housekeeping rules. So I am your host, executive coach, certified counselor, top podcast host and key note speaker. Also, outside of working 12 weeks, one of my clients will also host one hour strategy calls. And that's where we, for those who like cannot commit to 12 weeks, we actually will set up a whole strategy and do an audit of everything you share with me and make sure we have a landing place and a roadmap to get you from point A to I would say point K. We won't say point Z. There's no need to promise things that we won't deliver on in an hour. But I promise that hour will stretch you in crazy ways that stretches your personal life as well as your business or your career. Also part two, there are tons of listeners to this podcast. And one thing I need you all to do is to hit that subscribe button, share this podcast with someone else and go into Apple and leave a radiant review or Spotify or wherever you are. That helps us continue to expand our influence and impact throughout the airwaves as we continue to make moves in the industry. All right, y'all, let's get into it. Let's go into the seduction of chemistry. And for those of you saying, y'all, I'm single, I'm already married or whatever like that. This is not so much for couples. This hits every area of life. And if I have anyone in town acquisition, any of my recruiters, you know, anybody who's hiring for jobs or business owners who are bringing people onto their teams, you need to listen in and key into this one. So let's define what we'll be talking about first. When I say chemistry, I don't just mean romantic attraction. That's a big piece of what I'm talking about. But I'm talking about the magnetic pool that you feel towards a person, the ease of conversation, the way that someone may make you feel seen with a minute of meeting them, the way they occupy space in your mind even when they're not around. Chemistry is real. I'm not dismissing it. It's legitimate. It's biological. It's emotional. It's experience. But here's what we get in trouble. We start using chemistry as evidence. We say things like if I didn't mean something, I wouldn't feel this way or we have too much connection for this just to be nothing. Or my personal favorite, I know how they really are. This is not just a rough patch. And this could be with a romantic partner. This could be on the job and a business and a friendship, you know. But what are we really doing in these moments of using a feeling as proof of a fact? That's not only dangerous because feelings are real, but they're not always accurate. Let me give you an analogy. You ever walk into a restaurant and smell something incredible and your mouth starts watering and your body starts responding like the food is already in front of you. But then the food comes out and it looks nothing like you imagined. And when you taste it, it doesn't match what you expected at all. The smell was real. Your body's response was real. But none of that told you the truth about what you were actually going to experience. This is Keel. Chemistry is the smell. The character is the food. And too many of us are staying at the table long after we know the food isn't right for us because we are still chasing that initial smell. This is actually neurological, but we give it a knock. It's sort of crazy. Let's talk about what chemistry is and what it wasn't or what it isn't. You know, was it not? Let's give some a little break. Break it down here. Here's what I want you to understand about chemistry. Chemistry is compatibility in the moment. It's resonance. It's a signal that says, hey, there's something here worth exploring. Nothing wrong with that. But that's all that is. You know, it's not a contract. It's not a prophecy. It's not proof of someone's character. It's absolutely not a reason to stay somewhere that's hurting you. This is in a relationship and a friendship and a business on a job in a church or whatever your religion or background may be. No, no, no, it's not reason to stay. Some of what most people or some of the most powerful chemistry I've ever seen in my own life and the lives of people I've coached has been that two people or two situations had no business being together. Why? Because chemistry doesn't screen for values. It doesn't check for consistency. It doesn't verify whether someone will show up for you when things get hard. Now, I'm going to tell you, I know that truth from life experience. You know what does? Time, pattern, behavior, behavior, the repeated process across different seasons and different circumstances. That's the proof of whether someone is aligned to be in your life. That is so true. Chemistry can be manufactured. Trauma bonds feel like chemistry. Let me tell you, for anyone who's known any life controlling issues or addictions, you typically will trauma bond with those who have your same proclivity. And you think, man, that's my boy, that's my girl, that's my best friend, or that's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You know what? That manager, when we go out to happy hour, I just really feel connected with them. And when in fact you guys are just bonding over trauma and you couldn't be more misaligned. Intensity feels like chemistry. Drama feels like chemistry depending on your psychological makeup. That anxious waiting by the phone, never knowing where you feel standing, never knowing where you feel, where you are. You just don't know. Some of us, that feels like passion. Man, if I just kind of only knew what was going on and you're left with more questions and answers, it's like, that's not passion, it's chaos. That's not chemistry. That's just it's fullness that you've learned to romanticize. And I say that with love because I've been there. I know what that feels like from the inside out in different situations in my life, whether it's a romantic partner, whether it's a job or a business or something that or business deal, and whether it's a friendship with the same sex. It's just like, what's really going on here? Let me share something with you. Character reveals itself. Always, always. I once heard a wise man by the name of Keith Gardner say the greatest barometer of real fruit and he was just something like the fruit of life is time. So let's talk about character because this is where the truth lives. Character is not what someone tells you about themselves. It's not their Instagram. Oh my goodness. Instagram is a whole lie. It's not the version of themselves that they show up with when everything is good when they're trying to impress you because God knows we can all put our best foot forward depending on the situation we're in. Character is not what a person does when they're tired. No, sorry. Character is what a person does when they're tired, when they're stressed, when they don't get things going their way. When no one is watching, when it costs something to do the right thing, that's character and that's character for all of us. So I know some people listen right now. You may think, oh, he's talking about such and such. I'm talking about every single, mere nine billion people on this planet, including myself. I will repeat that character is what a person does when they're tired, when they're stressed, when they don't get their way, when no one is watching, and when it costs something to do the right thing. And here's the part no one talks about enough. Character always reveals itself over time. That is a universal principle. You cannot hide who you are indefinitely. The mask will slip. The patterns will emerge. The consistency or the inconsistency will show up. The problem is that most of us are so intoxicated by chemistry that we explain away the early character signals. You know, just those things that you kind of like, you see it, but you're like, oh, I don't want to say anything or maybe they're all right. We typically make excuses for those that we're drawn to. There's a quote by the amazing phenomenal Maya Angelou God rest her soul and she says, people show you who they are. Believe them the first time. And what people show you the question is, are you willing to believe what you're seeing? And for some of us, it takes not just the first time, it takes a second time. You know, those of us who are impasse, who are a little bit more intuitive, we like to be the ones who give second chances. And so we, you know, we fall into the category of fool me twice. Shame on me. You know what? That's OK, because we have to unlearn the things that we've learned for so long that made us feel psychologically safe. Hey, it was a very glad I got a quick word for you. If you've been thinking about starting a podcast in 2026, don't wing it. I cannot tell you how many people I come across, whether it's in my neighborhood, at my gym, at my church, when I'm out doing keynoting. You name it, I'm there. Somebody says, you know, I need to start a podcast too. Even other business owners podcast principles is a team that I trust. If you want to start a podcast, these are the kind. It's the best part. Even if you don't want to launch a full podcast, they got to work around it still get you the benefit. They'll help you record and turn it into a bunch of high quality video clips that you can post anywhere. Think about branding, whether you're active on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, people still want to see you. They want to see you in mode. And I know some of you are like, man, I'm not wanting to get on camera. Let me tell you, they make it easy. They will take your stuff and make you look the best things in slice bread. So you have very little work to do for those of y'all that know me, that have seen me outside of this podcast. No, I love being on camera. That's not everybody's gifted or everybody's calling. Even if you can't stand being on camera, I'm telling you, contact these people. One thing I wish I did when I started was the strategy. That's where they come in. You don't want to do anything going forward without road mapping it. We hear so much about, well, just do this, do that. You can't road map it. If you want to try it, book a call with their team using this link below in the show notes. Take care. Great piece. The problem is that most of us, we can get so intoxicated by the chemistry that we will explain away multiple times the early signals that were sent. They were just having a bad day naming it like that. That's not who they are. Really? If someone shows you who they are consistently across time in different situations, that is who they really are. And people have a way of either directly, indirectly, consciously or subconsciously giving you a billboard of who they are. Character is not a one-time event. It's a pattern and patterns when you pay attention, never lie. Think about the people in your life right now or the person you might be thinking about as you listen to this. Think about their patterns, not their best moments, not the thing they did that one time that gave you hope. Their patterns. Are they consistently available or consistently elusive? Do they consistently follow through or consistently have excuses? Do they consistently treat you with care or do they consistently treat you well only when they need something? That's going to be a big one for my impasse, for my people who are highly emotionally intelligent, but your emotional intelligence is the bane of your existence. Are you finding out that a lot of relationships or situations are in your life simply because you are always making yourself available to meet needs? That is a form of disordered boundaries. If you want to get into that on another podcast, disordered boundaries will leave you in a serious tizzy because you are bringing forth things to the table that no one asks. And so you often write a narrative of I'm here to meet needs and so that's how people perceive you. And it feeds something in you to meet the need. That all goes back to our childhood and how we process information and how we can make uninformed reactions instead of informed responses. That's a whole other podcast right there. These are patterns. The pattern is the truth. The character is what is speaking. So let's talk a little bit about the trap of waiting for closure. And if you heard my solo episode before this about closure, I went into that at Nazem. Here's where we need to slow down. I'm going to slow down because I think this is where people are really stuck. A lot of folks are waiting on closure where you've seen the character and things have been exposed and you may be a little upset. We're waiting on the conversation that explains everything. The apology had finally made sense because of the hurt. The moment when they finally see us and acknowledge, oh, hey, this is what happened. For them to come back and approve that we were right to believe in them. It's like, man, I want to, you know, believe the best. There's even a scripture, ancient scripture says love believes the best about someone. And we're stagnant, paralyzed, living in a version of our life that's on pause because some parts of us believe that chapter isn't finished yet. And for those who are listening, you think, well, hey, this is, I'm not in that place. I'm in a really good place romantically. Maybe you're waiting on your manager or that coworker that potentially betrayed you or the business partner or that thing that fell through, that person that may have conned you out of money. Just any number of things. You're just kind of waiting on the closure to kind of finish that story. I need to tell you something and I need you to really hear it. Some closure was never meant to come from them. Some people are not equipped to give you what you need to move forward. Not because they're monsters, but because they lack the self-awareness and emotional vocabulary and the willingness to be honest with themselves and therefore with you. The people who often lie to you, and this goes both ways for if you're lying to people, you have to lie to yourself first. And so I don't want to say give them grace, but give yourself the grace to move forward and to break the cycle and to disrupt the patterns. Waiting for closure from someone who doesn't have the capacity to give it is like waiting on a vending machine to apologize for taking your dollar. It ain't happening. It doesn't have the mechanism. It's not coming. I don't say that to be crazed. Those who know me personally, especially my clients and close prospects, they know that that's not who Jamal is, but these things need to be said. And while you wait, life is moving on without you. It's moving forward without you. The real closure, it comes from inside. It comes from the moment you decide that your peace is not contingent on their admission. That your healing doesn't require their participation. That what happened, you're going to move forward anyway. That's not giving up. That's growing up. And that's choosing you. That's actually betting. I don't want to say so much betting on yourself, but I want to say what that is, is showing up for yourself. Now, I recently had a conversation with one of my own counselors. Yes, counselors and coaches. It's a gemologist. I want you to show up. I've been doing this work for over 17 years, but I'm also as someone who does recovery, who does executive coach and certified counselor, certified counseling, I am in recovery myself. And I have to still unlearn habits that creep up of not showing up for me. And so this is showing up for yourself. And I know for some of you guys, that's pretty daunting because the brain hasn't even broke ground in what it means to show up for yourself. And if you're a wife, a mom, especially a senior leader, business owner, you are constantly plummeted with very practical real situations where it can be difficult to show up for yourself. Or psychologically to you, that meant waving. If I show up for myself, all else fails and I'm going to lose it all because it's connected to some point in the childhood. I could go on and on about this. Here's what I know. The internal narrative that keeps you waiting. Maybe if I just understood why. Maybe if they just said that it was real, maybe they can come back one more time. That narrative is the thing that is keeping you stuck. Not them. The narrative. It's not them. I know it's easy to kind of, once you kind of see them for who they are or the situation or the business or the person or the religious or nonprofit organization, just all the myriads of situations we find ourselves in. It's not them. It's the narrative. And you know what the hope, the beauty of it is that narratives can be rewritten. But only when you decide they can. What do we do with this? I just went through a whole lot. So what? Where do we go from here? I want to leave you with three things. Three practical shifts that are really going to help you. Number one, start reading patterns, not moments. Stop letting one good moment override 10 red flags. I want you to hear that slowly. Stop letting one good moment override 10 red flags. Stop looking at the full picture. Start looking. Sorry. At the full picture of who this person is when the chemistry isn't enough to carry the weight. What they do when it's hard. That's your answer. Yeah. Little pause on that. That's your answer. Who this person is when chemistry isn't enough to carry the weight. What do they do when it's hard? There you have it. That's who they are. Number two, give chemistry time to meet character. I'm going to say that one more time. I'm just going to let it cook. Give the chemistry time to meet the character. If someone is showing you real consistent demonstrated character over time, let yourself feel that. That's trustworthy. But if chemistry is strong, but the character is unclear, consistent, slow down. Don't let the feeling outrun the evidence. Please sit with that. Number three, stop outsourcing your closure. Please go back and listen to that closure episode. If you're waiting for someone to say something, do something or be something more to you to feel okay. That's your work to do, not theirs. And you don't have to do it alone, but you have to do it. Your piece is available to you right now today. Not after they apologize. Not after they come back. Not after you get the explanation, but now, but you have to choose it. I want to say this before we get a little call to action because it comes from a real place. This episode was not easy to come with. It wasn't easy to draft out because I know some of you are in the middle of it right now. You're in the middle of loving someone whose character keeps contradicting the chemistry. Or you're on the other side of something that you haven't fully processed. You're sitting with a story in your head that tells you waiting is the only option left. I hear you. I see you. And I need you to know that the story is not the truth. It's a narrative and it can be changed. You deserve to be known. You deserve consistency. You deserve someone whose character matches what they make you feel or what they made you feel. And you deserve your own piece regardless of whether anyone else is there to give it to you. That's what listening and speaking is about. Learning to actually hear what's true so you can speak from a place of clarity and not confusion. Thank you for being here. Let's talk about what's next. Alright y'all. While I let you go, I need to talk to you directly. Not as a host, but as someone who is set across real people doing the real work. Everything I talk to you about today, the chemistry, the character, the internal narratives, the waiting. This is not for you to think your way out of. You can try to. This is not for you to go on chat GPT and say, well, what can I do? That'd be nice. You can't podcast your way into being healed, believe me. I tried a long time ago. Some of this work requires not just real conversation, but real neurological work, practical work, pragmatic work, and work that is done from the inside out. Someone who can sit with you in the middle of it to help you see what you can't see from your insides. That's why I do strategy hours. The strategy hour with me is focused on one-to-one session, but we go directly after the internal narrative that's been keeping you stuck. Not surface level, not generic advice. When we go into your specific story, your specific patterns, your specific waiting for someone that may never come, then we can build a true path forward. Here's what I need you to understand. I only take a limited number of strategy hours each month. This is not a marketing line. This is the reality of doing this work with integrity. I don't do volume. I do depth. And right now, those spots are almost limited for this cycle as we're at the beginning part, in the middle part of Q2. If you've been listening to this episode and something I said, said, that's me, the spotlight of Evan is on me, this is your window. Not next month, not when things calm down, but now because the longer you stand in narrative, the more it calcifies, the more it feels like fact instead of fiction. The body is telling you so many different things and the mind is confirming it. Book your strategy hour. I'll put the link right down in the comment section. It'll be right in the show notes book that strategy hour. All the information is right there. And when you book, it'll tell you everything you need to know. If today's episode hit home for you, do one more thing before you close out. Send it to one person. You already know who it is. It's something in someone in your circle that's stuck. Just like we talked about today, they're holding on to chemistry and that chemistry cannot sustain. They're waiting for closure that may never arrive. Send in this episode. You might not have the words. Let this be the words. Let the link be the words. Sometimes the more powerful thing you can do for someone you love is just to show them they're not alone. Alright, y'all, that's all I've got. I'll be back soon until next time. Grace and peace, everyone. I appreciate y'all. Hey, if you listen to this and thinking I should be creating content in 2026. Let me tell you this. The creator economy is huge. It boomed in 2020 and it's growing even larger and larger. Don't let what they say about the economy. For you, trust me, the creator economy is huge. Start with podcast principles. If you want to start a podcast, these are the guys. And if you don't, they got to work around and still get you content. One recording session turned into 12 days of content. Link to book a call that is right down in the show notes. Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for tuning into this episode of Listen Then Speak. If you enjoyed the show and want to let me know, leave a review on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at LinkedIn.com forward slash Jamal Marshall. It'll all be in the show notes or reach out to me directly at Jamal at ListenThenSpeak.com. Thank you so much and we'll see you next week.