This Week's News | Jon on MAGA's Renee Good Hypocrisy & Klepper on Minnesotans' Response to ICE

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From Minnesota, to Venezuela, to Iran, to Greenland, Cuba, Mexico, Colombia, to Philadelphia. Well, well, I'm sorry. Not all the news was bad. Why is the President of the United States declaring on Wikipedia that he is now the President of Venezuela? That's real. Why is our Fed Chairman making what appears to be a hostage video? How the f***ing steak become the healthiest food in the country? What is happening? We are on the Donald Trump Gravitron. We don't know what up or down is, we just know it feels like we're all gonna vomit. Each moment brings another event with cataclysmic implications and consequences. And the guy at the center of it, the instigator, the catalyst of all this chaos and confusion. He's just out there TGIFing it. Oh, hey, what's up everybody? Hey, see you soon. Not if I see you first. Boom, boom, boom. Just looking at Venezuela. We took it over what? Three days ago, four days ago, five days ago. I don't f***ing remember. Meanwhile, our State Department says if you're an American, there are armed gangs in Venezuela trying to kill you. So you would think that maybe this calls for a little gathering in the situation tent or wherever is operationally right for talking about Venezuela right now. But the president had a different idea. President Trump convening top oil executives at the White House to talk about divvying up Venezuela's oil. What the f*** is happening? Yes, a meeting of all of the most important stakeholders. Exxon, Chevron, Halliburton, and of course, the guy from Dune who lives in the oil bath. By the way, I think you can tell. I don't use that treatment. By the way, lest you worry, the Donald Trump is in any way feeling the burden of this moment. The terrifying responsibility of so many lives held in his hands. Let me reassure you, he's fine. Here we are. And in fact, if you look, come to think of it. Well, I got to look at this myself. Sir? We're trying to have an urgent meeting on possibly the collapse of a Petro State. You're going to just get up and walk over the window and look at f***ing Rubio and Vance. Look at the faces on Heckel and Jekyll over there. Just licking his smile and like, oh, Paul, Paul. He's so cute. You should see him when the ice cream truck goes by. What a view. This is the door to the ballroom. What a job. Really, this meeting is the moment for your funny ballroom act amount. Armed gangs are roaming freely through both of the countries you say you run right now. But go ahead, take a moment to look at what might be through the window. You're like the Walt Disney of chaos. All it takes is imagination. And by the way, if you're getting up and walking to the window and you don't think that's enough of a doddering old man move, old Cankels McGee had one more chewable tums up his sleeve. You're all going to do very well. I think really very well. Marko just gave me a note. Go back to Chevron. They want to discuss something. Go ahead. I'm going back to Chevron. Mark, thank you, Marko. Does anyone else have a private note they'd like me to read aloud? Anybody? Now by the way, there was an oil company, Exxon, that expressed some reservations about investing money and rebuilding the infrastructure of a country that is, and I quote, not ours, and is somewhat volatile at the moment. How did the president handle this somewhat rational cost benefit analysis? That probably being planned to keep Exxon out. I didn't like their response. They're playing too cute. They're playing too cute. You just made yourself the president of Venezuela on Wikipedia, but they're the ones that are being glib. Do you see how f***ed up everything is right now? First of all, I have to offend the good faith of an oil company because they don't think they can safely extract another country's resources in as cost effective a manner as might benefit their shareholders. Who am I anymore? And by the way, Donald, why are you the president of Venezuela? Doesn't your oath of office to America have a non-compete? What are we doing? What are you just trying to pick up a few extra hours? What, the holidays? Hate you hard? I just need a little couple extra bucks until like February, March. That ballroom is not going to pay for itself. Meanwhile, in Iran, protesters have taken to the streets tired of the totalitarian rule of the mullahs and have been gunned down in the streets. Protest and violence have broken out throughout that country. It is chaotic and fragile. So guess who's thinking about stepping right in? That's right, the president of Venezuela. I am happy to say it's so strong. So I mean, if they did that, it'll be met with a very, very powerful force. I have options. Did you hear what he, I have options. Not Congress, not the American people. I. Apparently, Trump is the sole factor in all decisions everywhere throughout the world now. He just wants to take a little more time staring out the window before he lets us know what fresh hell he will unleash next. The most confusing thing about his reason for intervening in Iran is his reason. President Trump has warned of striking Iran if the regime kills protesters. There seem to be some people killed that aren't supposed to be killed. We may have to bomb Iran to prevent Iran's government from shooting protesters, look directly into camera with an expression of half bewilderment and despair. P.S. John, don't read this part. And if that's not enough, in the middle of all this, we are going to do something on Greenland, whether they like it or not. I would like to make a deal, you know, the easy way, but if we don't do it the easy way we're going to do it the hard way. It's Greenland! Based on my knowledge, everything there is done the hard way. You know when you order food in Greenland, Uber Eats takes eight days and they don't deliver over fjords. So the point is people, don't fill up on Iran and Venezuela and Minneapolis. You got to save room for this other invasion. It's like a whole mukbang of catastrophic possibilities. It's exhausting. This is all just one weekend. And why do we even need Greenland? We need Greenland very badly. Why? And why do we suddenly need all of Venezuela's oil and whatever is buried under Greenland? What is... Can I ask a question? Are we broke? Is that why we have to do all this? Did you lose your job? Did you somehow trump Casino the United States? Because if the country needs money we can all get second jobs. We'll all be president somewhere if Wikipedia will have us. I don't understand why do we have to take over Greenland? If we don't do it, Russia or China will take over Greenland and we're not going to have Russia or China as a neighbor. We're already f*****g. Russia's already our name. This is where Greenland is. Russia's closer. Unless in your mind you think Alaska lives in a box next to Hawaii. No, no, no. I get it. I get it. We don't want Russia or China to take over Greenland. Oh, you know what we could do to deter it, not through arrogance or conquest. But what if we formed an alliance with Denmark and Greenland? We could include all the North Atlantic nations. What would we call this? Almost like a North Atlantic treaty organization that we put. I don't know what we could, I guess we'll never know. But again, since we all now dance to the tune of one piper, what possible justifications could you have for just taking someone else's land? And please, if you would, irony proof your answer. I'm a fan of Denmark, but you know the fact that they had a boat land there 500 years ago doesn't mean that they own the land. Can someone pass him a note? How do you think we got our land? We landed here on a f***ing boat 500 years ago and it was ours. And you're out there, hey, Denmark doesn't own it because they landed on it 500 years ago. That's the argument you make when you want to give land back to the people who were already there. Not for you to then take it because you've got a bigger boat. You're doing some weird reverse woke land acknowledgement. I would like to acknowledge that Greenland sits on colonized and conquered indigenous people's land. And I would also like to say dibs. Why am I even trying by the way? Why do I even care to figure this out? It's not like anyone on your side ever takes the effort to convince all of us on the United States long term policy goals. It all just appears to be like a lazy Susan of vengeful whims from our all powerful Mad King. Did you know Trump doesn't like Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell? Because Trump wants to be able to dictate our country's interest rates himself. Now this poor Jerome Powell, now you got him looking like he's broadcasting from Taliban territory. The Department of Justice served the Federal Reserve with grand jury subpoenas, threatening a criminal indictment related to my testimony before the Senate Banking Committee last June. That testimony concerned in part a multi year project to renovate historic Federal Reserve office buildings. Can someone get this mother f***er a glass of water? And by the way, I don't feel good about this next joke, but I'm about to do it. It's not politically correct, it's just inside finance. So anyone who doesn't listen to Bloomberg surveillance in the morning, you can just leave the room. I'll wait. Okay. Wow. That dude, he's struggling. It appears the Chairman of the Federal Reserve is having a liquidity crisis. That's going to kill it, the terminals. I'm going to remind you, all of this is happening in one weekend. All of it. One weekend. This president has made monumental changes to the manner in which this country operates. And the American people are rightfully feeling a vertigo about how a country born on self-determination and constitutional republic principles can turn into whatever you say, boss. Sounds like a good idea, boss. So I think the American people reasonably have questions. But when the American people raise those questions. What a stupid question. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? A stupid question. It's a terrible question. You are a terrible reporter. You're a terrible person and a terrible reporter. People have nothing about love than your fake news. How dare we? How dare we? How dare we question his excellency? I don't know what we were thinking. You know what? I'm so... We owe you an apology, sir. Mr. President, sir, we are so deeply sorry to have questioned your singular and delicate genius. It's just that this is kind of an adjustment for us. Because we've all been raised in the American system of government. I'm not going to get into weeds with it. Three co-equal branches of government checks and balances, something about quartering soldiers. I think it's quartering. It's incursive. The Q could be a P or an S. The point is this. That's what we've been operating under for the last 250 years. If you want to learn about it, President Trump, you can ask all your acolytes. They say they keep it in their pockets. I guess it's kind of a relic. So just have to give us some time to adjust to this new world of total compliance so we can understand the rules. Because you know, it's confusing. Like for instance, we all watched the footage of January 6th. But I think we may have gotten a very different interpretation of it rather than the correct interpretation of it, which of course is yours. So help me out here. We'll play a game. On January 6th, a bunch of... They were peaceful people. These were great people. Went to the Capitol peacefully protesting a stolen election. I have never seen such spirit and such passion and such love. But while they were there... Capitol Hill police officers instigated the violence that day. So the people we saw earlier beating the shit out of police officers were hardworking, loving people provoked by law enforcement. And ultimately they deserve a... Full pardon. Got it. Don't agree that's what actually happened or what should have happened afterwards, but at least it sets a precedent. But now let's jump ahead. I don't know. A day. To January 7th. We've all seen that footage. I think I know what I saw that day too, but let's go through it again with the correct interpretation. On January 7th, a... Highly disrespectful. Deranged lunatic woman. Professional ice agitator. Domestic terrorist. Did what? This woman used her car as a weapon and tried to run over an ice agent. An attempted murder. And so she was... Shot and killed. So while very little of the descriptions that you were saying matched what we all saw on the tape, the important lesson here is what? She brought it upon herself. Motherfucker. We are in a confusing dark place. And this is where quite frankly rule of law and institutions are kind of an important framework. But now that those are gone, what's our North Star? Do you see any checks on your power on the world stage? Is there anything that could stop you if you wanted to? Yeah, there's one thing. My own morality. My own mind. So nothing. But thank you. I'm no longer confused. Couldn't be more clear. In America today, Donald Trump is the son. And if you revolve around him and worship him, his warmth shines upon you. You could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose his support as long as it's done on his behalf. But if you do not support him, if you live in the darkness of what I guess we will refer to from now on as blue states, fearing the day he turns his terrible wrath towards you, whether you're a single human woman on a side street somewhere in Minneapolis or a sovereign nation that happens to have land and resources, that we, a larger sovereign nation, think we also might want. And so his people are making a bet that adhering to a principle of forced compliance and coercion will give us a more stable and prosperous America than a principle of shared alliance and common interest. It's kind of a tough bet because I read somewhere, I don't know where, that people have inalienable rights granted by a creator, not a king. So holding that coerced world together is going to be kind of a tall task. But if anybody's up for it, it's Donald Trump, a man with unrivaled focus and discipline. Actually, you know what, could you give me a second? I'm just, you know, I'm so curious. I just want to go and see. My morning flew by and I didn't have time to cook anything. And I looked up at the clock and now it's 10 a.m. and I'm hungry and it's March. That's what I said to myself this week, realizing that life is super chaotic and we just don't have time to do everything that we want. What do I want? Easy nutrition that's ready for me whenever I want that actually tastes good. This is where my friends at Hewlett come in, sponsor of this podcast. That's H-U-E-L. Hewlett is a perfect solution for high protein routine support, busy days, habit building, convenience and control this year. I have goals to be healthier and keep on top of my nutrition this year. Unfortunately, I've found an easy way to stick to my habits, all without compromising my nutrition and goals. This is thanks to Hewlett. If I'm being honest, I am absolutely the person who looks up at 1 p.m. and realizes I've had coffee, just coffee. No breakfast, no lunch, just caffeine. 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With a limited time offer, get Hewlett today with an exclusive offer of 15% off online with the code DailyShow at Hewlett.com slash DailyShow. New customers only. Thank you to Hewlett for partnering and supporting this show. If you're busy, this is a game changer. Let's begin with Pete Hegset, the secretary of defense slash war slash creatine. Now, he's been accused of committing war crimes by droning boats up and down the Venezuelan coast. And yesterday, he was accused of an entirely new war crime. So I hate to ask, what is it? A war crime called perfidy. Perfidy? Is that where we're at with this administration? That we're studying up on the B side war crimes? I mean, why do I feel like the Trump people got a crime of the day calendar and they're just trying to do them all? All right. All right. Okay. So what is this, this terrible thing that we are apparently engaged in? Perfidy, which prevents combatants from intentionally fooling adversaries into believing they're civilians. The aircraft used in the attack on September 2nd was painted to look like a civilian plane. Okay. All right. So, in the first year keeping track, not only did Pete Heikset bomb people he was supposed to arrest, he then bombed their wreckage again and he did it with a disguised military plane. My man did a war crime triple double. They are going to hang his jersey up in the rafters next to Henry Kissinger's glasses. Moving on to another person that's been dipping his toe back into the worst wing, Elon Musk. Now, he's back in the news right now because his AI, Grock, is in a bit of a controversy. The good news, it's not Hitler's stuff this time. The bad news is what's replaced it. Tonight, Grock, the AI tool from Elon Musk's company X, is under fire. The app, which has an image editing feature, is now being used to create non-consensual and sexualized deep-baked images. Grock was producing at least a dozen inappropriate images every minute. People were commanding the chatbot to take people's clothes off, basically. Wow. Okay. This is a tough one. On one hand, you are violating the consent of women around the world. But on the other hand, where else are you going to find pictures of naked ladies online? We have the world's most powerful computers, and this is what we're doing with them. I mean, when the printing press came out, where monks like, okay, we'll get to the Gutenberg Bible, but first, let's make 40 copies of Gregor's ass cheeks, all right? Get on it. I mean, is every Trump cabinet member spending their whole day actively destroying the country? I mean, I don't even want to check in with the, I don't know, the labor secretary. Labor secretary Laurie Chavez Jaremer is under an internal investigation. Of course. Of course, you're under investigation. What are you, are you crushing unions? Are you bringing back child labor? Are you declaring paternity leave kind of gay? What is it? What, what terrible thing is it? The complain alleges she pursued an inappropriate relationship with the subordinate, including several visits to an apartment and hotel rooms while traveling. That's it? An inappropriate relationship? Hell, the f***ing Luiya! That's not evil. That's not even perfid-y, or what have you. That's, that's the kind of throwback scandal we had in the 90s. Cowabunga, dude, you know? Come on, tell me more. The complain alleges drinking in the office during the workday, including a reported stash of champagne, bourbon and kalua. Okay. Kalua, huh? I mean, you're a cabinet secretary. You're not a college freshman building up the courage to lose your virginity at a frat party. You know what? You have disgraced your office with your alleged personal conduct. And let me just say, thank you. It is such a relief to have a scandal based on a Trump official not doing their job, instead of doing an evil job too well. But let's move on from people accused of having affairs to something completely different. Health secretary RFK Jr. The man with a face for radio and a voice for closed captioning. And now, now, yes, now RFK Jr. He's telling you what to eat and drink if you want to be just as healthy as him. At a White House briefing, health secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. introduced new guidelines that emphasize eating proteins, fresh vegetables, dairy products and whole grains, while cutting back on processed foods and added sugar. On alcohol, Americans should limit consumption. In the best case scenario, I don't think you should drink alcohol. Ah, great news. We're not in the best case scenario right now. No, no, that's not where we are. No, if we were in the best case scenario, our health wouldn't be in the hands of a man who looks like a 1930s basketball. So, if you'll excuse me, Secretary Laurie and I will keep pounding those white Russians. Thank you very much. But okay. Alright, so lots of protein, full fat dairy, and alcohol if you're keeping up with the news. And I'm assuming there's a simple logical graphic to help understand the new recommendations. See the food pyramid here? It's upside down, a lot of you know what I'm saying. It was actually upside down before and we just righted it. He sounds healthy, real healthy, yeah. No, you know what, I'm pretty sure this one is upside down, unless I'm misremembering every pyramid photo I've ever seen. Don't worry, don't worry about the confusing food pyramid because the health department is also spreading the word with the most dynamic, charismatic spokesman they could find. Three cheers for whole milk. Good stuff. Yeah, this is going to get the kids to drink milk. Timothy Shalame, yawn. Kaisenat, pass. Oh shit, is that former HUD secretary Ben Carson signed me up? Oh so you're making Ben Carson drink a glass of milk? The drink that famously helps us fall asleep at night? Are you insane? If Ben Carson gets any sleepier, he could die. You know what, I'm sure the guidelines to eat more meat and dairy is based on the best possible science and nothing else. We should note, of the 10 people on Kennedy's team, half reported financial ties to the beef, pork, or dairy industries. Wow, wow, you know what, in any other administration I'd say half of the team had financial ties, but with the Trump administration I'd say, wow, only half had financial ties. You know what, that's three cheers a whole milk. Good stuff. Good stuff. Yesterday our beloved President Trump visited real Americans working real jobs at a real factory. And you know, these are his people, so I'm sure he got a much needed boost of support. As the President toured a Ford manufacturing factory, this moment caught on camera and video obtained by TMZ, one man shouting at the President, pedophile protector. President Trump mouthing an expletive in response and appearing to give the man the middle finger. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. President, you can't flip off a citizen that way, not with your delicate hands. There'll be bruised for weeks. I mean, I don't know why Trump's so upset. I mean, he could have called you a pedophile, but he kept it to pedophile protector out of respect for the office. And for all we know, that guy could have been a pedophile requesting pedophile protection. Help me, help me, I know that's your thing. Redact me the f*** out of here, Mr. President, please. But Trump wasn't just there to do hand stuff. No. He also gave a speech where he had a message for all the people who have been out on the streets for the last few days. Keep protesting and save the name of the killers and the abusers that are abusing you. You're being very badly abused. One death is too much. Wow. Wow. Standing up for the protesters in Minnesota, you know. People call this guy a dictator, a fascist, a pedophile protector. But here he is with a full-throated defense of Americans' right to protest their government. I've canceled all meetings with the Iranian officials until the senseless killing of protesters stops. He's talking about Iran. Okay, my mistake. Yes. Okay. You know what? You know what? It doesn't matter. Because President Trump is nothing if not consistent in his beliefs. An iron clad in his principles. And I know that his police force will treat Americans with the same empathy and restraint when they... Oh, f***, you know where this is going. Overnight, flash banks lighting up the Minneapolis skies. Agent Seen descending on protesters. Earlier Tuesday, Federal Agent Seen dragging people out of their cars and spraying others directly in the face with chemicals. Holy s***. I mean, I don't know what's more terrifying. Them hitting that guy point blank with pepper balls or him not even flinching at them. Although to be fair, it's like nine degrees out there. The pepper spray is only warming him up. Now, the administration wants you to believe that these protesters are the ones out of line here because ICE agents are just a group of well-trained, methodical police officers carrying out their duties, taking out the worst of the worst. But in reality, this is what Minnesotans are seeing. The Trump administration has only doubled or tripled down on these ICE raids, leading to more instances of racial profiling. The ICE agents asked to see the IDs of the three non-white employees and didn't even bother to ask the white employee for the identification. It stops at highway exits where people are being pulled out of their cars and asked to show identification. An American citizen named Christian Molina was driving down the road when ICE knocked on his door and asked for him to show him his identification. Agents arresting two workers outside a Minnesota target. A state lawmaker says they're both U.S. citizens. I'm living in U.S. citizens. ICE agents demanding that an Uber driver show them ID. I'm wondering, if you were from this country, if you know I'm an immigration officer. What do you mean if I'm from this country? I can hear you don't have the same accent as me. That's why I'm asking you. Oh, so you're going by accents now? I want to know where that is. Is that what it is? Where were you born? This is outrageous. Are you seriously trying to question a person's citizenship because they have an accent in Minnesota? Where people sound like this? So where are your girls from? Chaska. The sewer. But I went to high school in White Bear Lake. Go Bears. Okay. Speak American. Come on. And if you're wondering just how off target ICE is getting in their supposed focus on illegal immigrants, the answer is very. Tribal leaders confirmed that four Native American men have been detained by ICE in Minneapolis. Native Americans. Americans is right in the name. Sir, how long have you lived here? Oh, I don't know. Since Pangea. I mean, look, look, let's, let's not be around the bush here. What the government is doing right now in Minnesota is blatantly un-American. But the response to it is as American as can be. Some community members are not only protesting, they're also looking out for their neighbors. Volunteers delivering groceries to immigrant families. All around the Twin Cities, you hear these ear piercing whistles. Activists blow the whistles when they see agents to alert the anti ICE network. Agents drive in and out all day, read by protesters with profanity and occasional slices of baloney thrown at their vehicles. Wow. I mean, that is solid aim. I think the Vikings have finally found their quarterback. I mean, that's right. The protesters are fighting back and their weapons are launchable. Sorry, I read that wrong. Lunchable. Their, their weapons are lunchables. I have to say, this is not only rude to ICE, it is disrespectful to the dog who gave his life to become that baloney. A lot of baloney fans here, I'd say. Read the ingredients, folks. In fact, the downside is you did just give those guys free lunch, because you know those ICE agents aren't letting a perfectly good slice of car door baloney go to waste. But the people of Minnesota, they got to be careful. As we've seen, some of these ICE agents are poorly trained and hot tempered. If you're going to confront them, you have to do it with courage, conviction, and the finest, most luxurious outerwear you can afford. A bunch of bitches if I've ever seen a bunch. And I'm telling you to your face. And if you don't like it, f*** you. Can this guy be my dad? I mean, I mean, goddamn. I can't believe this dude is from Minnesota and not from a Quentin Tarantino movement. The depravity of the police state is so deep that people are time traveling from a boxing match in the 1970s just to call out their bullshit. Now, the protesters aren't just confronting ICE. Right wing media has been on the ground in Minneapolis trying to make the case that the situation is justified. And the residents are giving those right wing outlets the respect that their reporting deserves. We're just trying to have an intelligent conversation. I'm a tall man. I'm a big and tall man. I don't act this way. I'm a big and tall man. You want to engage in an intelligent conversation? To US tax pass should be funding housing for illegals and medical care. What's smart man? I get the feeling that she didn't actually think he was smart. But see, that is how you turn your weaknesses into strengths. You know, she brings that energy to her daughter's high school graduation party that she swore she'd be cool at. That's a nightmare. She brings it to a fascist takeover. Let this lady cook. Now, obviously not all the protesters are talking to the media in such a ridiculous way. Some of them are offering very serious impassioned arguments while dressed in a ridiculous way. Why are you out here today, Pickle Rick? I'm out here tonight because they are terrorizing Minnesota. They are terrorizing my friends, neighbors, and my clients. Hold on. Hold up. Your clients? I didn't realize it was Pickle Rick Esquire over here. That explains the billboards I keep seeing on the highway. Bottom line, what's happening in Minnesota is dark, but the community response is inspiring. These brutal and authoritarian police tactics have brought together a coalition of Midwesterners that spans from Pickles to Wine Moms to Vietnam Veterans with incredible drip. And none of this had to happen if Donald Trump treated Americans with respect for their inherent rights. But are you going to come at Americans with this attitude? Don't be surprised when they come right back at you twice as hard. 500 orders a month was manageable. 5,000 is madness. Embrace intelligent order fulfillment with ShipStation, the only platform combining order management, warehouse workflows, inventory, returns, and analytics in one place. What used to take five separate tools, ShipStation does in one. Go to ShipStation.com and use code START to try ShipStation free for 60 days. I'll tell you what, there's so much going on in the world today. Domestic strife, international uprisings, Verizon went down for four hours yesterday, so I had to Google myself on my desktop like a loser. But with all the chaos in the world, I'm so glad we have a president who's laser focused on the issues that matter most. You see that beautiful milk? That's what we're here for. We're here to discuss milk and whole milk and how good it is. Yes, milk. Mr. President, thank you for shining a light on this important issue and also for having a big jug of milk on your desk as a visual aid. In case people forget what milk is. I mean, how are these people intolerant of everything except lactose? But while Trump was focused on his domestic priorities, his underlings were taking care of the smaller issues, you know, like invading Europe. Tonight, as President Trump escalates his push to take over Greenland, top officials from Greenland and Denmark traveling to Washington to plead their case to the vice president and secretary of state. But they emerged to saying the two sides have a quote fundamental disagreement. It's clear that the president has this wish of conquering over Greenland. Okay, first of all, why are they doing a press conference from the cocktail hour at a wedding? This is dark day for Greenland. Hold on to those crab kinks! Yes, you can tell this meeting didn't go well, by the way. The entire delegation rushed to smoke immediately after. I mean, look, look at him rushing. Look at this guy. He's literally sprinting to the car to grab a smoke and calm his nerves. One meeting with JD Vance and Marco Rubio will turn you into the Ben Affleck meme. So these diplomatic talks might not work out and Europe's not waiting to take action. Denmark says it's expanding its military footprint in Greenland over President Trump's push to annex the Danish territory. You've got Germany, France, Sweden and Norway all sending military personnel to the island this week for a joint exercise with Denmark. This is wild. Germany, Sweden, France, Norway all sent soldiers because of us. And you know they're pissed. They're supposed to be on one of their 37 weeks of vacation right now. But no, we have to go to war. Yesterday illustrates what a strange mixture this administration is. Some hybrid of warplanes and clown cars. Because everyone from resistance lebs to his own vice president has compared Trump to Hitler. But I'm pretty sure Hitler never took a break from invading Poland to be like, I just want to talk about milk. Never happened. I don't think it happens. But while the authoritarian experiment is playing out on an international level right here in New York City, we're in the midst of our own political experiment. Two weeks ago, our capitalist utopia was invaded by a communist dreamboat, Zoran Mondani. And our American patriots have been sounding the alarm on what's to come. A foreign-born Muslim communist who hates the greatest nation on earth and wants to change it is now in power. It's Mondani's bread lines coming to the city soon. It's going to be extreme. It's going to be anti-American. As he plunges the city ever deeper into the mess his socialism helped create. New York is going to be bankrupt in six months. Another great American city is going to swirl down the drain. Down the drain. Down the drain. And you guys bend to New York during a flash flood. Nothing goes down the drain here. Nothing. Nothing. At best, New York will be floating down the curb next to a used condom. But we've been warned and we didn't listen. So let's find out what's in store for us in our new segment on Zoran Mondani's New York. Music I can see the dawn of a better day for humanity. No. That's a graphics package, okay? It's been two weeks at Zoran seized power in a brutal democratic coup d'état or what some are calling an election. So what nightmare dystopian agenda has he pursued since taking office? On Tuesday, Mayor Mamedani grabbed a shovel and joined transportation department workers to fix a bump at the foot of the bike path before Delancey Street. Yeah, see? That's... Oh, whoa, whoa. That's how it starts. Classic communism. First they level out the roads, then they level out the social classes. What else is he doing? Mayor Zoran Mondani says he's making a $4 million commitment to bring modular, high quality bathrooms like these to the five boroughs. Wow. Wow. Straight out of the well-known communist playbook, everyone poops. No, sir. In America, the free market decides who poops. I always say it's better to piss your pants as a free man than to use the toilet as a slave. Okay, Mamedani, what else are you going to force down our freedom-loving throats? Mayor Mamedani spent this morning announcing plans for expanded free child care. No longer do New Yorkers have to make the choice between this city and their family. No, no, no. New Yorkers should be watching their own kids at all times. It's called personal responsibility. Isn't that right, Jordan Jr.? Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. If anyone sees my child, feed him, please. Besides, after watching Right Wing News, you know what a Mamedani child care scheme is going to look like. Do you remember that cringey YouTube star for the toddler set and Palestinian advocate, Ms. Rachel? Well, she's teaming up with your favorite Mayor Comrade Mondani. If you're happy and you know it, then you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, then have your hand. Oh, man, that's terrible. I think, I think, I guess, I think, you know what? Why don't you tell me why this is terrible? She's normalizing these socialist ideas for children and their parents. Oh, right. Right. We can't normalize the socialist ideas of being happy and knowing it. And really wanting to show it. No, no, no, no, no. You know what? I am sorry. I am, I am really trying hard to get into this whole anti-Mamedani red scare fever. But you know what? I'm going to give him a chance. From everything I've seen, it does not look like he's an un-American extremist looking to add foreign influence into this city. One thing that we will change is we will be installing a few bidets into Gracie Mansion. A bidet! A bidet, you monster! How dare you wash your butt! You take that course one ply and mash it around like you're killing a spider up there like an American! Any time on Paramount Plus!