EP 71: Natalie Nelson: Overcoming Addiction at a Young Age

Disclaimer. At two addicts in the moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. Welcome back to another episode of two addicts in the moron filming two in a day. Yeah, I am beat. No, no. They do it. They do four in a day. Yeah, this is just sitting here chopping it up with somebody that I love and another cool person. Yeah, how hard is that? It's not hard at all. Pretty simple. But another special guest in the house who has a bridge to another one of our guests. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, I miss Natalie Nelson, everybody. Welcome aboard the two addicts in a moron train, their kid. Hello. Thank you for coming. Yeah, I'm glad to be here. Yeah, so before we get into what I just teased there, we were talking about it a little bit while we were in the kitchen there. But how did you find us? So I was I went on Ali's Instagram because I realized that she was following me and I was like, oh my gosh. I'm going to look at her profile because why not? Yeah. I just be deep stalking people's profiles. Ali is a cool person. I'm just like, oh my gosh. Let me see what's in your tag. And then I saw that she was tagged on Y'all's podcast. And I was like, okay. So I'm going to reach out to them. Hopefully they respond. And then I reached out and then Yaldon respond for a long, like a good amount of time. And I was like, damn, are they going to answer me? I mean, I'm sure they get like hundreds of DMs per day. So I was just like, I was very surprised whenever Y'all reached out to me. Oh, and I honestly was going through a manic episode by polar. So I'll like go on these whimsical like I have these whimsical thoughts where I'm like, oh my gosh. I want to do this and this and this and this and I want to just accomplish this and this. And I'm like, oh my gosh, imagine being on a podcast and talking about my recovery journey. Oh, how silly would that be? Yeah. Well, here you are. So just so I guess no, I didn't ignore you. I didn't see it. So and I apologize for it. When I messaged you, I said, I'm so fucking sorry. I did not see your message. We would love to have you on. Yes. Addressing the rumors. Yeah. Part one. Yes. I didn't ignore your message. I did not ignore you clearing the air right now. I mean, I was going to reach out to you. We do respond. Yeah. I felt terrible when I seen like it had been like two weeks. And I was like, fuck, is it? I have so many, we have so many social media. And I go back and forth. But I don't always check the messages, which I should. And we get some crazy messages. Oh, really? We get some fucking black jobs. For some reason we get a lot of porn pushed our way. Like these porn rooms and stuff. So it's a, I don't know why. I my past caught up with me. But we get a lot of weird shit. And then when I seen a regular name, I was like, fuck, I can't believe I didn't see it. You know what? You're all good. I'm the same way I turned off my message request off because I posted this, you know, bikini picture on my Instagram. Okay. Oh boy. Yeah. Usually I only get like before it blew up. I only got like 300, 200 to 300 likes on my Instagram. And so this blew up. It got 10,000 likes and like 100,000 views. And I would get like DMs like, let me see your naked body. Yeah. Can you rub mayonnaise in between your toes? I'm like, what the fuck? Do it like. Rub mayonnaise between your toes. Is that real? Yes. Somebody said that. Yes. Someone said that to me. That's a real thing. Yeah. Next one is going to be peanut butter. Yeah. Right. No. Literally like Jesus. Someone was like, I'll pay, I'll pay like $20 to see your tits. And I'm like, bro, can you? So I turned off my message. I was like send those messages to me. I'd take $20. Yeah. I will show you my tits all the time for $20. Yeah. $20. Get your money. There's a lot that these two will do for $20. All right. So say forward those cinnamon over guys. Yeah. We'll take them. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching one of the UFC fighters. What's the girl? Yawanna? Oh, yeah. She was, they were interviewing her one time. And they said, what's the craziest thing that you get from being famous? And she was like, unfortunately, guys just send me random dick picks all the time through my DM. And she said, it's fucking terrible. She said, especially when some of them should not be showing their dick to anybody. So she said something along those lines. So I was like, yeah, I don't know why you would send that if you're not. I mean, there was a better bringing it if you're going to send it. One of Rogan's stand-up specials, he had like a really funny quote. It was a similar thing. He was talking to a lady who was getting all these DMs. And he was like, I bet her phone is physically heavier from the other person. From the amount of dick picks that are in her DMs. Yeah, it was just a funny goofy thing. Well, I'm sorry that happened to you. That does suck. That's fucking terrible. It's honestly part of being a woman. No, no, no, no, no. Not to dismiss it. It just tends to happen pretty commonly in social media. Unfortunately, we don't get those as guys from women. I can't tell you the last time I got a vagina picture. On just from one irregular and someone I didn't know, send them. Yeah, that doesn't happen to us at all. That doesn't happen to us. Yeah, makes sense. Well, appreciate reaching out and figuring it out that way. And you are the sponsor of one of our former guests. Would you like to bring her up? Yes, Miss Bridget. She has a podcast. Make sure you go watch it. Yeah, what's the call? The silver bridge. Yeah, silver bridge podcast that Michael. I was just on Brian was on here very recently. Very good episode, man. Very good. Very proud of her. Yeah, she's awesome. And I'm glad that she's helping you out through through this journey. So talk to me a little bit about that. The bridge podcast is the burnt bridge. I'm reading sober bridge right here. Her name on all her social media is sober bridge. But it's the burnt bridge podcast. My apologies. Might have to scratch that one in the first one out. Yeah, Joe, don't make us look that stupid. But what a fuck I'm talking about. So you are like Alia when she sat in the chair. You are 19 years old. And what was your DOC? Math. Math. Okay, say it with your chest. Yes. And definitely alcohol. But I wasn't willing to admit that until later down the road in recovery. I remember when I went into rehab and you know, they were like, okay, you know, from what you're telling us, especially, you know, leading up to you being, because obviously they did it and take assessment. And all that, you know, asking how much you were drinking. And, you know, I tried to be a bit dismissive about it. Like, I wasn't thinking that much. And they were like, okay, well, how much would you usually drink whenever you would drink? I'm like, hmm, like, six to eight shots of very hard liquor. Yeah, that's a lot of booze. Yeah. I was the type of person that people, you know, I was a very hard-core party girl. People would, you know, hang out with me or drink with me, knowing that I would be the one that would get absolutely fucked up. And I would embarrass the shit out of myself. And so the focus would be off them. There were so many times where I had to be like, carried out or, you know, I just was on the ground and rolling around while crying. And laughing and getting mad at all at the same moment. I was, I was a very emotional drunk. But yeah, I wasn't willing to admit that. I was like, yeah, I did meth for a few months. But like, I mean, I know that I have a problem with drugs. But like alcohol, nah. Common tale. Yeah, right. It's a common tale. Like, we've had a lot of people sit in that chair and they're like, I want to end the rehab for meth. Like, I didn't go in for alcohol. I'm going to leave and start drinking. And then before they know it, they're, you know, sticking a needle in their neck or, you know, whatever. In the twin their toes. Yeah. So we're real classy. So, um, how long have you been sober? About sober for 2020, 2023. So I've been sober for, um, two years. And, I don't know if it's four months. Yeah, four months, two years and four months. Well, I'm coming up on four months, three days. That's, you got sober when you were 17. Yep. Wow. That's amazing. That is amazing. How long were you, well, you know, go ahead and that's all it. No, go ahead, bro. So when did you start, when did you start using or drinking? You started drinking first, probably, right? Yes. So initially, and it, you know, my, my addiction did progress over a very short amount of time. Initially, I was only smoking weed. I had, you know, I smoked my first weed whenever I was 13. I didn't really get too much into it until I was 15. But then I remember the first time I got super, super fucked up. Because I, you know, growing up, like my, my dad was born in like 58. So it was pretty like common where if you were a kid and you wanted to sip of your father's beer, you would give you a sip, you know? Yeah, yeah. Like, there's literally a picture of me as a baby with a fucking beer bottle on my back. Yeah. So I mean, but I didn't start getting into alcohol until I was 15 years old. Um, I remember the first time I got really fucked up because I had an experience being drunk up until that moment. I would, you know, try a few sips and I'd be like, okay, I'm done. But the first time I got drunk, drunk, it was like a fucking, I don't know, it was just a very, um, I was like, I don't know, I fucking loved it, man. Like I was, I was out, I was out of this world. I was like, oh my gosh, I was like contacting fucking ex friends that I had like bad falling out, falling out with like, and be like, oh my gosh, the beef is, the beef is over. Let's be friends again. I love you, man. Calling fucking everyone off my, my contacts list being like, oh my gosh, I love you so much. Calling like people I hadn't talked to in years since like, I was from freshman year. I had like, I called a girl that I had talked to since like six seventh grade. Like, who had moved away to California and she was like, girl, why the fuck are you calling me? We weren't even that like close. She's just sitting there like, what the fuck? How'd you get my number? Right? Literally. And so, you know, it just basically, it felt like I was a different person and I liked that. I liked that I was more sociable. I was able to commute, like, be honest without feeling like shit because I've always been a very bad people, please. Or like, you know, I always was scared to tell people how I truly felt about things. And so, I was able to be confident, you know, tell people how I truly felt about them, all that bullshit, you know. It's kind of like when I guess the way I would explain it is, you know, like for Halloween when you dress up and you put a mask on. Yep. Like, I won't do a lot of stuff if you know this person, right? Like, I'll be embarrassed. Like, getting up and doing stand-up comedy, I will never do that because if I get boot off, say, but if I put a mask on my face, I don't care what you're going to do or say about me because it's not going to hurt my feelings because you don't know who the fuck I am behind the mask anyways. Literally. So I always think like whenever I was using, it's almost like putting a mask on because it makes me more confident. It makes me care less about what you think. And it takes away a lot of these fears that are still there, but it just pushes them to the side where I don't care about it so much. Does that make sense? Now that totally makes sense. Yeah. So like for, I always think can compare it to like putting a mask on. And now I can be whoever the fuck I want because you don't know the person behind the mask anyways. Exactly. So you can judge me, think of whatever you want. It doesn't really matter. Yeah. And I genuinely, like I honestly think I had a lot more friends. You know, people I considered my friends whenever I was getting fucked up or high. Yeah. Because you know, like I was a very different person. Like now that I'm sober, sometimes I'll just look at myself and I'm like, hmm. You're kind of boring. You're kind of boring now. Yeah. But I kind of have to realize that, you know, that maybe like I like that I'm boring now because, you know, yes, I would be this fun outgoing person whenever I was, you know, high and drunk. But then there was also this other side to me that I don't want people to ever see again. Which was, I was very emotional and angry. So angry. I was such an angry person whenever I was higher drunk. I would do things that like I never thought I would do. I remember. Oh gosh, this is such a. I remember obviously whenever you're high, you're not fucking thinking logically. Right. But I remember I was, I would sneak out every night to go see my boyfriend whenever I was in like addiction. So we could go get high together. And so I would do it every night and I wasn't, you know, my parents didn't, like my dad didn't find that shit out. My mom did, but you know, my mom at the time, she's in recovery as well. She's been sober for about as long as I've been. She got sober in July of 2023. But my mom was like more of a, she tried to be more of a friend than a parent. And so she'd find out that I'd sneak out and she wouldn't tell my dad because she knows how pissed he would fucking get. But I mean, I literally lived on the first floor with no screen in my window right next to the gate out of my house. It was so fucking easy to sneak out. And so I remember my dad had found out that I was sneaking out to go see my boyfriend. And so he turned on the security system that we had. And so I got like, I got scissors, start cutting away at the, at the wire that was on the window. And it just kept beeping and beeping. I was not being smart about it, y'all. Oh my gosh, he kept coming back into my room being like, what the fuck are you doing? Like go to sleep, stop cutting away that because I wanted to get high. I was genuinely wanting to get high because I knew that if I, you know, because I'd never really would have my own supply. My boyfriend would have it. So I like wanted to go out to see him. And so, you know, eventually, like, I just stopped cutting away at the security system. There was still like a tiny part of the wire left and my dad went to sleep. I just walked out the front door. I fucked up the entire security system when I could have just walked out the front door, waited till my dad got on a sleep, but instead my dad had to fucking pay an expensive price for replacing that security system. And I remember whenever I actually got a rehab and I, you know, I was at my sober living. My house manager, she drove me home for a little bit so I could pick up some more stuff from the house, like more clothes. And I remember coming back home, I see like all these cameras around everywhere. I'm like, I'm like, Dad, what's going on? He's like, this is for if your boyfriend ever tries to sneak back over. And I'm like, why the fuck would he sneak over if I'm not home? Like he's not going to want to be there. Yeah. Like, and it's not like I was really living at home either, but I mean, it's just my parents were just very, they're very like scared because of the people that I was associating myself with. Like my boyfriend was someone who went to jail so many times. And so my parents viewed that as a dangerous person. When really he was just a fucking no offense, but dumbass addict to a drive really fucking fast with drugs in the car and he would get pulled over and arrested and burnt it down. Yeah, exactly. Like you're not thinking whenever you're high, you don't give a shit. Yeah. All you're caring about is the adrenaline rush and getting fucked up and you're not really thinking logically. So to that point, you're so young to have gone through that. I mean, so it starts off with a little bit of booze. So your window is actually really small too of using similar to that of Alia and Sean. Two of my favorite guests for sure. Oh, yeah, they're great. But it always fascinated to me because your story isn't any less important than the one that went on for 10 years or 20 years or any of that. I mean, I feel like you just kind of crammed a lot more shit and do a smaller amount of time. So when did you make the graduation in the math? So I remember like start of 2023, whenever I started, I started hanging around people who were doing it. So initially, I remember my boyfriend introducing me to it and then I started hanging around more people who were doing it. Because it was basically unheard of to do math at the school that I went to. I went to Lake Travis and people would do Coke. But if you even mentioned the fact that you were doing math, you're fucking dirty, do Coke. You know what I mean? But it's just so fucking expensive. But anyways, but yeah, I was just hanging around people who were doing it. It was so easy. Once I found out that a dealer was living around Briar Cliff and was close to my high school, you know, it was very easily accessible. A lot of people will be like, well, you know, you're so young, how do you find it? I'm like, well, I mean, it's easy to find if you have the drive and willingness to. You know what I mean? Like, oh shit, I'm searching out hard drugs and you know, whenever you look closely, you find that it's pretty accessible, if you think about it. It's not hard to find. Well, I always say you could drop me off anywhere in the United States. It doesn't matter what town city. And I could find it within five minutes. I have no doubt about it. If I was really looking for it, I will find it. Yeah. Well, and there goes like another just powerful driving factor to your story is you're in high school. At what is looked at to be one of the more prestigious high schools in this area and like Travis. So if you don't think this shit's easy to find, you're wrong as a parent. If you don't think if it can be found right around the corner in a fluent neighborhood like the Lake Travis area, it can be found anywhere and be found within a stone's throw to the next stone into the next stone and to the next stone. And here's your proof. Alia Sean, like I'm just telling you if you're wrong. Yeah. If you don't think that you have a kid that is experimenting and they can experiment a little bit. That's more. That's where a lot of parents go wrong. I think like my daughter, they live out in that area. Her mom does. And her mom was telling me one day, you know, she was upset because my daughter is very educated with all the drugs, even though she's 10. And she was getting on to me like, why did you teach her this and why did you teach her about heroin? And that's because she needs to know. Yeah. I don't care if she's 10 when she's 12, someone's going to offer that to her. And she made the comment, no, that's the reason I work so hard is to get her out in a nice area like this. And I said, if you think that nice areas where parents are CEOs for companies and make a lot of money, which a lot of people in Lake Travis do, a lot of those parents are not in their kids lives. A lot of those parents are off working and very busy. And those kids, the richer kids are normally the ones when I grew up that had the best parties. They had the best parties as mom and dad wasn't there. They were normally out of town on vacation. And they had the money to fund the party. So if you think that that only happens in battery as you're outside of your mind, outside of your mind. And that's where they're not saying that's where the expensive drugs come in. The cocaine. And you know, meth isn't expensive drug, but cocaine is. And that's what's at those richer kids parties when I was growing up. And especially now I would say. Exactly. Yeah, definitely a lot of coke. And I also know like psychedelics were also a huge thing at those parties like acid and shrooms. I also know Molly was a huge thing too, but I was like, this is not going to be good fucking Molly. You can only really find that good shit up in Amsterdam because it wasn't that good at Molly. Molly's pretty close to meth. It is. There's not a huge difference from it. That's true. That's true. But yeah, you know, those those those parties like there's always going to be shit there. You know, again, like high schoolers like they. You know, a lot of people in high school use this time to experiment. You know, like have a bunch of sex and do a bunch of drugs and drink a lot, even though like everyone's like, oh yeah, it's all in college. And it's not high school as well. It is. Because I remember like, and I also just, I mean, it's crazy because like people like this actually fucking exist. But like I remember whenever me and my friend, like me and my ex friend were not friends anymore. But whenever we would want booze, we would like hit up those, you know, like like men who are over 21. They could get us booze. They would actually get us that booze because you're young women, you know, I mean, we had our ways like whenever you're a woman, it's very easy to get that stuff because you're able to kind of like it sucks to say. I mean, but like again, I was an active addiction. I didn't care who I used. And so I would use these men to get me. Yeah. And I was like, I remember I dated a 25 year old when I was 17. So I could get booze. It wasn't because I wanted to be with him. I'm so for real. Sorry if you ever see this podcast. I doubt he will. But thanks for the booze. Thanks for the booze, buddy. I appreciate it, man. Yeah, that's, you know, that's what I, that's the extent that I would go to. Yeah. I would require that. Something I've always said, and I could be wrong on this. Women that go through addiction, hard core addiction, I always feel like they probably had it worse than what I did. Because guys can run out of drugs. Women don't have to because they have other ways to get it. Exactly. And some women get in that way. And I'm not judging you if you have. I'm not judging anybody. If you have, look, I mean, but I always say that women, their, their recovery story is they've, they've went through more than what I probably ever would go through because you have guys that will take advantage. You have, you know, women that get taken advantage of. And there's, there's a lot of that that goes on in that. So I always feel like women have a harder road through addiction than what a guy does. In my opinion, I could be wrong. Yeah, like my best friend, she, you know, like was a prostitute. She churled it to a prostitute so she could get paid and use that money for drugs. I, like, it's just, it's just crazy, you know, I mean. There's a lot of sex traffic you think goes on to it too. Well, that's how I mean, a lot of it kind of starts in that sort of arena, right? Even like it kind of gave me the willies, like I was with this older dude, like we've had a few people sit in that chair. A few women that sat in that chair that have talked about that turning into some kind of like trafficking, kidnapping sort of situation, right? Yeah, like when they were 13, 14 types of shit being groomed, right? Yeah, I mean, it definitely does make me feel gross for sure, but this man was like, I remember he would come over to my house because I told my parents that he wasn't much older than me. I didn't get told them that he was like 20 or something. And he would go over to my parents house and lie to their fucking faces about how he's still in college, how he's trying to be an engineer and shit like that. And he had my, like even my dad who has never liked any boyfriends that I've ever had, he actually liked him because of how good his lies were. And so it was very easy for me to get away with the fact that I was with an older man because we were lying to each other's parents. Yeah, like he would bring me over to his parents house and I'd be like, yeah, I'm in college guys. And then they're like, how many credit hours and I'm just thinking, what the fuck is a credit hour? Yeah, I was like, I was about to say fucking two or some shit. Like, what? No, he was like, no, she's actually doing like, she's doing 12 right now and shit like that. So yeah, I mean, but I was, I was just on that, on that, you know, mission for alcohol, I would get weed from him. Like we would smoke all the fucking time together. And I don't know, it's just, it just makes me feel icky now because I was just so young and very impressionable. I remember whenever I was younger and like, whenever I was that age and my sober living called me impressionable whenever I was there. I was like, no, I'm not impressionable. Like, yes, you were. And it's okay, it's okay because that's, you know, that's the part of being young. You're wanting to, you know, you don't really, you're naive, basically. And I wanted to go with the flow, go with the crowd. I was the type of addict where it was like, if someone put something in front of me, I would do it. And I didn't know what it would cause long term. So I'm sorry, I interrupted that by kind of getting on a soap box and kind of talking about how drugs are really accessible. If they're accessible and they travel, it's in their accessible everywhere. For sure. So the question that I had was, when did it take the turn to meth? You said towards the end of 2023? No, towards, yeah. Or beginning of 2023. Beginning, yeah. 2023. And is that kind of when you started to feel that that turn take is when that one got hold of you, got its hooks on you? Yeah. I initially, when I remember, because I was undiagnosed with ADHD. And I remember whenever I was given this drug because I just took it without any thought. I initially didn't know that I was meth. Like, I mean, I just didn't register my brain. But then, um... Are you referring to Adderall? No. Okay. I just, I don't know what I thought. It's like, it's in a bowl, though. And I thought, initially, I was like, oh, maybe it's weed. But then I was like, wait, no, it's like, it tastes like chemicals. No of the fuck this isn't weed. But I definitely remember when I first, you know, dug its hooks into me was when I first took it. Because I've always struggled with the ability to pay attention to sit fucking still, to actually like, do shit. Because I didn't know I had ADHD. Like, women are severely undiagnosed. Like, it's very common for, you know, men to get diagnosed. But for women, it's harder to get diagnosed because we're so... Mm-hmm. We're able to hide it better. But... So meth calmed you down. It did. That's what it did to me. Literally. And I was like, holy shit, this fucking drug is amazing. Like, I'm able to complete all my homework and just an hour. Pay attention. Yeah, pay attention in class, take notes. I'm not falling asleep on my desk. Yeah. I didn't even need my phone. I was barely on my phone. I was on meth. Yeah. I didn't sit and, and rot in bed. I was actually doing shit. Yeah. And that's the one thing that got me hooked on it was how it just gave me the ability to focus and actually like, you know, do shit. Well, that didn't last long. I mean, it got to a point where, you know, there was a turning point where it actually went downhill. And just a short amount of time. Like, I was using it for a month. I was like, no one knew that I was using it for a good amount of the time I was. Like, I would go to school. And people genuinely didn't think that I was on it. Mm-hmm. Everyone was just like, oh, wow, your people are so dilated. I'm like, yeah, it's just my anti-depression that I'm taking. It's my medication that I take at home, you know, but, so it was very easy to lie. And I think also just added on with the shame of just, you know, knowing, okay, well, what would happen if I tell people that I'm doing it? Because I didn't, I was too scared to even tell my own family. I would bet. Yeah. I don't want to tell people that you're friends with. Like, why would you want to tell? Mm-hmm. What would you want to say something to family member? Yeah, I think my brother knew I was on something. Like, I think my brother knew that I was high, though. Maybe my brother had always been close and he could just notice the shift. Yeah. When I went to my, the first time I ever went to a therapist, we were talking. And I was telling her like, meth was my favorite drug. And she was like, so you have ADHD. And I was like, yeah, I was diagnosed with that a long time ago. I said, but what does that matter? And she said it has a lot to do with it. She said, because if you were taking your ADHD medicine, it would actually calm you down. And she said, meth has that same effect if you smoke it. When I snorted, it would give me high. But if I smoked it, it would actually calm me down to where I felt like I'm not being obnoxious and I'm not being over the top and I'm not doing all this stuff. And I can actually get some shit done. But as you said, it didn't last long. Like, it went to where, man, I'll clean this whole fucking house in one hour, you know, when I'm doing meth. But then it got to the point to where I'm just literally doing meth just to do meth. And I don't care what my house looks like anymore. Exactly. Yeah. So what was the thing that got you into treatment? Have you been to treatment more than one time or only one time? Okay. I went to full broke. Okay. I saved my fucking life. But what got me into treatment was I remember with my boyfriend, his truck had broken down. And we had fallen asleep in his truck and he had a worn out for his arrest because he didn't show up to a probation appointment. I remember waking up seeing those cop lights. A fucking scared the shit out of me. Boyfriend was taken away from me. He was arrested. And I was left with just a cop. Since there was a worn out for his arrest, they also searched my bag as well. They were getting him into the cop car. And I thought, oh shit, I have my fucking cart in there. I was like, oh shit, they're going to find my cart. And I'm going to be posted on busted magazine. For Burtit County, this is great, guys. Oh my gosh. And it was clear that I was definitely doing it as well. Like I had the, you know, I had really opened like scab or... You were a picker? Yeah, I was a picker. I was... I have... I don't know how to say it. Dermod to... I don't know. I have a skin picking condition, even when sober. So you can imagine how that was for you. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. And so... So I remember they looked through my bag and I'm like, oh my gosh, I swear to God that. I swear on my life that I most definitely had my cart in there, but... I didn't... It wasn't in there. And that was just kind of like... That cop felt like a spiritual experience of some sort, like a divine intervention, because I could have gone to jail, but I didn't. And I remember they asked me if my parents could pick me up and I had run away from home at that point. I hadn't been home in days. My parents were pissed. As rightfully so. Yeah. And so I was like, I basically described what my situation was and they were like, okay. The cop he told me about how he had daughters and I think that was the one thing that influenced him to, you know, drop me off at... Like, drop me back off at my boyfriend's house was because I think... Part of him just saw like... His girls? His girls, yeah. And I remember, you know, being in the car with him and I think he mentioned something like, you know... I think he mentioned something about just, you know, get clean. Get clean. Like, I can tell, please get clean. And he dropped me off and I remember jumping to the fucking fence to get into my boyfriend's house. And I don't know. It was just, it just changed something in me because I was like, that cop didn't have to take me back to my boyfriend's place. He could have left, like, you know, had me call my parents despite the situation that I'm in. Because I was 17, you know. And I could have been easily arrested because like, they found drugs and my boyfriend's truck. But like, my boyfriend was like, oh no, that's mine. That's mine. Those are my drugs, those aren't hurt. But they could have easily been like, okay, well, they're hurt drugs as well. Yeah. You know, it was just, like, I mean, if you looked at me, you could just tell. But that's when I, like, I remember going back and then I had my parents pick me up and bring me back home a few days later. Because I would drew a bit there. And then I have my parents pick me up and take me back home. And I was like, I remember the, I went to school while I was withdrawing. And I was so fucking out of it, man. I was passing out in my classes. And the bell would ring. And literally, like, I would not get up. Someone had to like, shake me away. So they could, you know, so I could go onto my next class. And I remember the last class that I was in before I finally went back home. And I went to treatment was my Spanish two class. And so I was passed out. And my, I woke up to my, you know, Spanish teacher shaking you wake. And she sat down in the chair next to me. And she was like, are you on drugs? Mm-hmm. And that's the first time anyone at Lake Travis had, it was a teacher who had noticed that something was wrong with me. And then my other teacher said anything. Yeah. But it just kind of just made me, it made me think, oh my gosh, like this is, it's noticeable. It's embarrassing. I need to do something about it. I went back home and my parents tried to make me, you know, I finally just came clean. And I was like, I've been mom, dad, I've been using math. I told them straight up. And I was like, I need to go to treatment. I can't, I can't do this. Like I can't go through the, I know that if I go through this withdrawal process, and I, you know, I, and I'm done with it. I know I'm going to eventually get back on the drugs again. Mm-hmm. Just being back at home, because I know where to get them. I remember after my boyfriend had gotten arrested and I was at his, you know, house like the police had given me his phone and stuff. I went through his phone and I called his dealer and I was like, never sell drugs to him again. And shit, I was screaming at him on the phone and everything. Oh, it was, ooh, I mean, he, I mean, he was going to sell like, he viewed him as like just a customer. He didn't view him as an actual human being, just a source of profit. So obviously he was just sitting there like, okay, even though I know damn well of my, like, if my boyfriend had asked for fucking drugs and then. Yeah, I'm sure that's probably not the first one fall that he got. Literally, exactly, but yeah, my parents, they called around and they found full broke. I went to full broke and genuinely it changed me. For the better, their accountability groups are great. Yeah. Love those, keep open, open hands. Don't make it, don't, don't make any facial expressions and be like, would you consider blank that it makes you seem blank? Yeah. And it humbled the shit out of me because obviously, you know, even, even if you're not doing the drugs anymore, you're still in that active addiction mindset when you can clean. I mean, I work in detox. I see the shit all the time. It's still the selfish self-centered dishonest, fearful mindset. I still have that mindset sometimes. Exactly. And I'm almost four years over. I still have drug addict mentality a lot of times. And I still think like a drug addict does certain certain moments, like there's certain people that will reach out to me that my first thought is what it's in it for them? What are they trying to get out of me? And they're not trying to get anything out of me. But that's the first thought that comes to my head is they're trying to fuck me over somehow. I still have that. So I don't, I don't, I hopefully that goes away sometimes, but I still have it. And I still have a lot of drug addict tendencies to because for 10 years, I was a drug addict. And just because I'm sober now, a lot of people think, oh, well, once you get sober, everything's got to be so much easier. It's not easier. If anything, it might be harder because now I can't use the drugs to get away. So now I have to deal with like life shit. And it's not easy, but it's doable. That's what I always tell people. But I still have those same mentalities and those same tendencies a lot of times. But now I can catch him when I see him. And I can say, well, I don't have to think like that anymore. I think the one thing that really draws me back to, you know, I mean, initially like, I'm thinking, I'm not going to relapse because of this, because of this. But then I realize, no, I need to do something about it is, is resentment itself? I mean, they don't lie when they say resentment is a number one killer of all out. The rules of life. Yeah. Because genuinely, when I wanted to rehab and I got sober, I had to face all of my resentments and think of just all these things I was so angry about. I was so angry at everything, at people, places, things, just, and would have this victim mentality that everyone is against me. And, and like, especially in those accountability groups, I would get so fucking mad at people getting accountability. I was like, you don't fucking like me. You hate me actually. And I hate you too. And so, you know, that didn't, like that didn't help me. I mean, it only made me want to use more because that was the one thing that took away that thinking and hate me forget about, you know, the anger. And so I'm like, how the fuck am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to be sober when there's so much that I'm angry at and, and how am I supposed to get through life? But genuinely, the 12 steps is something that I live by. You know, the AA, like just, the program just saved me. And, you know, like, Bridget, she's fucking great, man. I'll talk to her about something I'm angry at. And she'll be like, okay, girl, let's do some inventory right now, right now. And she's like, she gets that shit down. She'll still find time out of the day to get on a phone call with me. So I can just fidget out and then do my resentment inventory because I know if I keep that within myself and I don't say anything, it's only gonna simmer. And it's just, it's like boiling water. Yeah, it'll compound. Exactly. Yeah. My first sponsor, I was about to make my first amends. And the person that I was making the amends to was my daughter's mom. And she did something that day that pissed me off. And I called my sponsor and I was like, fuck her. I'm not making this amends to her. She doesn't deserve my fucking apology. Boba, blah. And he had explained to me that resentment is what keeps us getting high. Yep. And if you hold onto that resentment, you will go get high from it. He said, the resentment's not always for them. It's for us. And my biggest problem with making the amends was, how come I have to apologize to you, but you don't have to say sorry to me? Because I know that you wronged me too in some way. But I have to sit here and tell you how sorry I am. And you don't have to say it back. And then you have to accept my apology if you're willing to. And then it was something that really would get in the way of my 12 steps. Because I was like, how come I have to eat shit, but you don't have to? And that's the way that he explained to me is because she's not going to go get high because you didn't say you're sorry, but you will. So you have to get rid of the, you have to make all those amends for yourself, for your recovery. Otherwise, you'll be high within the next week. And that's what I always got to remember is whenever I have to apologize to somebody even now for my quick actions is if I don't do this, then I'm not abiding by the steps. And maybe this could turn into something even worse. Yeah, and I agree. And I think initially, I was, I was fucking scared to make amends. I think it's just because I felt like the things I did to that person was justified. Warring to. And, but I think someone explained it to me. It's not an apology because we can say sorry as many times as we want. And we won't fucking change anything for ourselves. Take it more as you try to clear up your side of the street. And that, you know, that changed my perspective on it. Because initially, I was like, I don't want to apologize to this person, but then it's more like, okay, well, I did hurtful things to this person. And I'm going to own up to them. Right. And, you know, at the end of every amends, I'm always like, how can I make this right? Some people, some people I've tried to make amends to have blocked me. Yeah. And don't want to talk to me. And I'm like, okay, they're not ready yet. They're not ready. And, you know, what I can do is make those living amends and take what I did to that person as a lesson. Yeah. And use that experience to, you know, help me drive, like drive myself forward. And, yeah, I mean, men are scary, but I mean, I've always, remember, you know, Bridget, she's like, you need to, you need to pray to your higher power and remove that fear. Mm-hmm. Because fear is the one thing that kind of keeps us from doing the things that we have to do. Right. Like, I cannot tell you how many times I was fearful to do. My resentment inventory, my fifth step, ninth step. You know, even, I'm even, I'm even scared to sponsor someone. But at the end of the day, it's like fear is something that holds people back. And I don't know, like, I'm still working towards it. I can't tell you that I'm just not fearful whatsoever. I mean, that's like another reason why I did the drugs I did was because I wasn't scared all the fucking time. Right. I would do shit, you know, without like being, being fucking scared of it. Like, I, you know, like, oh my gosh, I don't want, like, like, if, when I'm sober, I'm like, oh, I don't want to go like 10 over the speed limit because like, oh, no, the police is going to pull me over whenever I was in addiction. I'm like, fuck the speed limit. Yeah. Fuck the speed limit. I actually got pulled over on my way to work today. It's great. Nice. It's going to 62 and 50. And you didn't have to worry about getting searched. Nope. And I got a warning. Do you still get nervous when you get, when you say a cop? Yes. I do too. I don't know if that goes. I mean, I do too. Yeah. I think it's just, it's just a natural, like, I'm literally not doing anything wrong. And I'm like, fuck, there's a cop. Right. Yeah. But you know what is cool is the first time I got pulled over in sobriety. Uh-huh. And he was like, can I check your car? I was like, fuck, yeah, check that motherfucker. Knock yourself out. Yeah. And before, like, every time that I've been pulled over and searched so many times, but I always hidden my drugs. I would, I had a spot that I hid my pipe in. And then I would always put the bag of dope in my butt. That was, that was the day too. I was going to, I was, I wasn't going to get caught. Hey. And, uh, and then we'd smoke it afterwards. But, um, yummy. Yeah. Right. Real shitty friend. Yeah. Shitty friend. Yeah. You could say that again. That's a new flavor. Yep. Yeah. Certainly is added something to it. It's called the way over here. Booty here. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, but, uh, but, uh, when I got pulled over the first time, I was like, I was excited when he was like, can I search your car? I was like, fuck, yeah, search him on the fuck. But yeah, I still get nervous when I see him in my car. But, so you do too. Yeah, I do too. I mean, I think it's a natural thing when you get pulled over to be a little nervous about something. I mean, look, man, is what it is. But to your point, when, for, y'all, it's got to feel great being in the position that you're in now to be like, yeah, I don't have that much to worry about. Like when I had my old car, I used to always wonder, worry like, if I got pulled over, maybe there's something in here that I didn't fucking get out of here. Mm-hmm. That type of shit. And, uh, even now, like, when I get pulled, I, like, if I have to go take a drug test, I'm like, but they, they're still that sense of fear in there somewhere. Like, even though I know there's nothing that's going to come up, I still have, so there's so many fears. I know I, I remember when I did my drug test for my job, I was like, oh my gosh, what if like, cause you know, cause I remember I popped like positive for oxy and like, so we're living, cause I ate that bagel seasoning. Oh, yeah. Exactly. I don't know what it is. The sesame seeds. Sesame seeds. Yeah, those make you pop positive for oxy. So I was like, oh my gosh, like, what if I accidentally ate bagel seasoning without even knowing? And I'm gonna fucking fail. Or like, you know, it's just, I still get nervous. I mean, I remember whenever my parents, my parents would drug test me because I was trying to get my car back at the time, cause I got on this huge ass fucking rack while I was high as fuck at the front of my neighborhood. It was so piercing. I got posted all over my neighborhood Facebook. And everyone was like, who, what the fuck was this girl doing? I like literally, I took this turn so fucking fast that like, whenever I ran into a light pole that was in the, what, the dividend that was at the start of my neighborhood, the light pole blew up into the air and like landed like further away. Thankfully, no one else got involved. It was just me. But yeah, so that's why my parents took my car away rightfully fucking so I didn't understand it at the time. Yeah, I'll get a take the car away from me. Like Natalie, look at the fucking pictures. Like that's embarrassing. Yeah. Oh my gosh. But yeah, so I remember my parents would drug test me. So I remember I was like, I'm gonna finesse the system. Usually I would have my little brother, Pete, for me. Yeah, yeah. Thanks, little bro. I heard that one before. Thanks, little bro. Yeah, he was too happy. I used to carry fake piss around on me at all times. I got that monkey piss. That's what I had. I would put it in a five hour energy, not to not do this. I put it in a five hour energy and then get the heating pad for your back and wrap that around it to keep it warm all day. Just in case at work, they were like, hey, come, come test for us. They're like, all right, no problem. And like the crazy shit, like I would do that every single day. Like, I have those heating pads aren't cheap. They're like $4 a piece. No. I would do that every single day. And it's like, when I think about it now, it's like the shit that I would do to try to get around, not getting in trouble from drugs, or the easiest thing to do was just to stop. Even though it's not the easiest thing to do, but it's the most foolproof you're never going to get caught. I remember I used to get online and look and Google like, how to pass a hair follicle test. And there would always be some asshole fucking put in the comments. Stop using drugs, dumb fuck. And I'm like, fuck you too, buddy. You know, so I always put those in there. Yeah, thanks for being here. But it was like the easiest advice, the simplest advice, but it was the one that would piss me off the most. Like, why are you even on this fucking chat? Get off this chat. 12. 12 and a half minutes. Yeah, like, thank you. You want a helpful fuck. Yeah. How sad are you, motherfucker? So working in treatment, you work in treatment. I work at a detoxener, yes. So this is one that I've asked Sean and Alia because this one is, is it hard to get people to respect you because of your age and what's your work around for that or not work around, but what's your work through? Sorry, that'd be a better way of putting it. Yeah. I, yes, I do get people like that. I remember there was one patient who texted there, one of the people that recommended or referred them to, you know, rise and was saying, I'm uncomfortable with the fact that there are people here who are younger than the time that I was using for. And you know, at the end of the day, I don't take it as a personal thing. I mean, I remember I read the four agreements whenever I was in, like, in rehab. And I still read it, but it's, don't make assumptions and don't take things personally because the way that they're reacting towards the fact that there's people that are younger than them that got sober is a personal issue within themselves. Right, sure. It's not that you promise them problem. And you know, some people take it, you know, they're, you know, there's always going to be people that are going to say positive negative things about everything, you know, I mean, I've had different people who've come into the same place that I work at that are like, oh my gosh, you got sober at 17. That's amazing. I'm so proud of you. I hope to be like you one day. Right. Well, you get other patients who are like, you're seven, you're 19. Oh my gosh, not the Gen Z. Like bro, I'm not going to wake you up by saying, oh, what's up, my Skibbity Sigma. Yeah. Skibbity. Skibbity, toilet smoke. Yeah. Like the FOT, no, it's like, I know how to, you know, I like, I know how to like not do that fucking cringes, shit, man, it's like, unless if they're like referencing shit back to me, they're like around my same age, then yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to indulge. But yeah, usually whenever it comes to people who are older than me that come into the, you know, into my work, I'm not going to skew brainer at them. Yeah. Like, no, like imagine, imagine you're withdrawing from fucking like, so box on our methadone and you're, it's like the second day, you're like, oh my god, I want to die. Yeah. And then some like young girl just comes into your room and is like, what's up, my alpha sigma? Yeah. How are you doing today? What a way. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I can see from their point of view, like, I would want to, I'm not, I'm not going to, I would want to kill myself. So as far, you mentioned this earlier, but how much did you figure out about your mental health through getting sober? Like, and what did you know about it beforehand? Because you dropped a word earlier, you said bipolar, right? Mm-hmm. So did you know that before? You figured that out after? So I initially thought I was borderline. There was a, you know, psych psychiatrist that I was meeting up with whenever I was 16. And obviously, whenever, they can't diagnose you with that until you're 18. So. But I remember like, I went to Austin, no, to the hospital whenever I was 16. I tried to like overdose on like a bunch of my medications that I was on like, like different like anti-depressants and whatnot. Even though I know it wouldn't kill me, I just was probably, I don't know. I just got super email one night. Yeah. It's like stupid, but I went to the mental hospital and I initially thought, okay, well, the reason why I'm feeling all this way is like, you know, all these emotions and why I'm, you know, so suicidal is because it's just my mental health. I have depression. I just need to get medicated and put on the right medication. Whenever I got sober at 17, I realized, oh, it wasn't my fucking mental health. That was fucking me over. It was drinking that alcohol and drinking the drugs because alcohol is a depressant itself. It makes you want to die. Like I genuinely cannot tell you how many times I would get drunk and would threaten to kill myself so many times and then I'd wake up the next morning hungover and like sober. And I'm like, what the fuck was I doing? Yeah. And you know, and so whenever I got sober, I remember a psychiatrist in there. She put me on limotrogen, which is a mood stabilizer because she could tell that I had signs of bipolar, but she couldn't formally diagnose me. And then I remember I got out free. I tried to do what my mom did, which is she got off all her anti-depressants and anxiety pales whenever she got sober. And I was like, oh, let me do that. And I went insane, not like where I like relapsed and she was like, it was like, it was not good for me. I was just, you know, those, but I found a psychiatrist in March of 2024. And so I started seeing her and she diagnosed me with bipolar too. And I was like, but it's good that I've been, I always recommend to patients, especially ones that come in who are like, oh, I need to figure out what's going on with my head and what type of mental illnesses I have because why I act like this. I'm like, sir, ma'am, the first thing you should be focusing on is getting sober first before, oh, getting sober first before working on the mental health stuff. Like yes, mental health and addiction do go hand in hand, but it's best to get off the drugs and alcohol because it just amplifies the mental health symptoms that you experience. Well, that makes sense from this standpoint too. You got to find your baseline. Exactly. Like you got to find your baseline without the thing that you're addicted to, to know what it is that you're dealing with. Exactly. Doesn't make any sense to find out what you have if you're not going to get sober from, you know what I mean? If what you have is being compounded by the drug or alcohol that you're using, you know, like if you're a skit so using meth is probably not going to help you. It's probably going to fucking make it a thousand times worse. Mm-hmm. I have friends that used to lock themselves up in their house because they literally thought the FBI and shit was trying to come in. Yeah. I have a friend that used to shoot his house up. Like if he started shooting up meth, we were not going over there because we might get shot pulling up because he might think it's the fucking cops pulling up. Yeah, so yeah, that's true too. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I had, I mean, I remember this dude, he called my brother hanging out with my boyfriend and he called and I think he had some sort of prior mental health issue or he had one and he was like, he was on some sort of drug. I don't know what exact drug he was on. He said he was on bath salts and I'm like, okay, but he was like, I'm not known as before. He was like, the trees are monsters. They're coming to get me. The trees are going to eat me and I'm like, oh man, okay. Shit, man. Yeah. Like fuck. And I don't know, I mean, it does, it fucking drugs bug with your head and it's like whenever you have mental health problems that are like that are underlying, you know, it makes them worse. Like, especially with like the antidepressants that I was on, like I remember one of the back like one of the back labels said, do not drink alcohol with while taking this. Yeah. And I did it anyways. I don't go fuck. Yeah. Let me pull up the four loco right now. Yeah. Shit, it might make me might make me feel better. Yeah. And it's like, it was a joke. It was kind of a dark joke, but I would do that too. Mm-hmm. They'd be like my mom or my ex-wife. It's like, you're not, I'd have a hydrocodone for something, whatever. And I'd drink with a beer. Mm-hmm. And you can't, you shouldn't do that. And I'm like, yeah, but it says on the back, it gives you very intense feeling. That's exactly what I'm looking for, right? No. I'm looking for intense, fucking feeling. So that's basically telling me to do it, kind of. So yeah. I guess, figuring out that you're bipolar and having to navigate to that water too, you're pretty strong, pretty tough cookie, dude. Oh, man. I mean, yeah, they're, you know, I may present myself as this way, but they're have been many times where I, you know, will go through these episodes of, like, I wasn't sick enough. I got sober too early. And I definitely think I shared about this in a meeting, but comparison is something that, like, I've always been someone who's compared myself to a lot of things. And so going into this program at a young age, I would hear people talk about their experience, strength and hope. And I would hear some crazy stories. I'm like, damn, why the fuck did I, like, I didn't go through that, you know, and people be like, I remember people in rehab, they would ask me, like, oh, what did you do this drug? And I'm like, I didn't do it. Any of those drugs. And now I feel left out, man. Yeah. Fuck. And so I feel like comparison has something that has kind of like, you know, I mean, comparison can be a good or bad thing. So whenever I have those moments where I'm just like, I was not sick enough, I should have been sicker, I should have used for longer. So that way, my story can be seen as more valid. Because I have a, like, I have a clean record. Like I knew that when the police officer that pulled me over this morning was going to run my record. It's clean. There's nothing on there. But then I'm thinking myself, well, maybe I should have had a record. Maybe I should have gotten arrested a few times. Might have given you more credibility in what you're doing right now. Exactly. Yeah, that you can, you can take that shit, flesh it immediately. Because I mean, I, I think that having someone of your age and, and what you've gone through is, it's not more important. But it is very important to, for people like Mike and myself who have kids that are, have a daughter, it's older than you. Have a son that's a couple years younger than you. And, you know, these are like stark reminders of, of just where things can go. Yeah, for sure. And where they can go quick. So I, I do want to talk about your parents a little bit because it sounds like you have good parents. Oh, I do. Yeah. And, and so you got mixed up into what you got mixed up in, right? And, and I'm sure that was really hard for them. Oh, really? To see you come home and, and tell them that you were on meth without them having any idea that you were. That is, I mean, I don't know, that's got to be fucking heartbreaking. Yeah. I mean, it breaks my heart just kind of listening to it. I think to hear any, like we don't want any of our kids to ever struggle, right? And like if, when my daughter comes home and tells me that the first bully's bullying and I'm fucking going up there and, right? And like if my daughter came home and said, Hey, I've been on meth, yeah, I would, that would fucking, that would, that would hurt. But to have no idea about it would hurt that much more. Well, they probably have some, I don't know if shame, probably more guilt. Does your parents have guilt for me? Yeah. Not anymore, but they know that, you know, knowing me, I mean, I've always, I've, I've, for a good amount of my teenage life, or, you know, early, you know, growing, growing up and being in high school, I've been the rebellious one in the family. So you had no shit. Yeah. Literally, I mean, I would beef with my dad like all the time. It was so bad, man. It was, we were, we were constantly fighting. And then my mom, you know, she would try to be my bestie and, you know, would have to go between me and my, because me and my dad, we were the ones who didn't really get along. Maybe my mom, we got along great mainly because she allowed me to smoke weed with her and she would, you know, like, I remember one time she like bought me vapes and stuff. And she, she obviously does not fucking like, she's, she's, she's very firm with her boundaries now. And then, and it was more so of me like, you know, using that to my advantage because my mom wanted us to have a close relationship. So whenever she found out that I was doing meth, she was hurt because she felt like I was holding like a secret from her, you know, because she thought, oh, well, I thought we were as close as like, you said we were, you know, and my dad, he was just, he, he wasn't, he wasn't as like my mom, she expressed her anger. My dad, he was, I remember whenever I was withdrawn and I walked out into the kitchen, I guess, to get some water. And I remember seeing him and it was like the first, because usually most of the time, whenever I was using or whenever I was drunk or whatever, you know, even before then, if I was sober, our relationship was kind of rocky. So it was the first time that he looked at me and gave me a smile. And I was like, wait, why are you smiling at me? Like you just found out that I was doing meth, you know, I thought, a part of me thought, oh my gosh, he, you know, like he was going to be so angry at me. He was going to, you know, kick me out or something, you know, it was, it was, it was very hard for me to be honest. But I think he was giving me like an empathetic smile of like, okay, well, I, I, I see you. I know that you're struggling and I'm not going to add on to it because I think you, yourself know what you were doing was wrong and you're wanting to get treatment, you know, he's never said that to me, but like he's just, he's always been someone who's valued honesty. And he knows like, if you're honest with me, I'm, I'm going to be, you know, thankful for you telling the truth, finally coming out with that, you know. But my parents, I mean, obviously we had our, we had our, you know, moments whenever I was in treatment, they, we had to do those like family sessions and obviously there was a lot of resentment at me and my family had against each other. And it was just, it was, it was, it was a lot, but I think it did help our family dynamic grow stronger because of those sessions that we would have. And how long were you in treatment? I was in treatment. So I initially, I was only going to be there for 35 days, but since I was 17, I couldn't exactly AMA. Yeah. If I wanted to, there were some days where I was like, fuck, I want to walk out and not be here, but they were like, okay, well, like this, this, this was whenever I had a session with my therapist, I sat down with her and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm leaving in a week. Yeah, I'm going to go back home. Like as if, like, that is the worst thing ever. Just going back home right after treatment. I never worked out for the better. But my therapist was like, oh, I have bad news. You're staying for 60 days, not 35. And I got so mad. And I remember I threw in like a through the biggest fucking tantrum that you could ever see. Sure. And so I remember I went back to my room. I remember my roommate was in my roommate at the time. She's like, I was crying and I was like, what happened to me? She was like, not only I want you to change your mindset to I have to be here to I get to be here. Right. And I was like, that's a good roommate. It's a good friend. That's good advice. I was I was like, wait, you're right. Because like genuinely, it was a nice ass rehab. And I was getting, you know, trauma therapy work done. Like I, you know, they, they were, you know, giving us step work to do. And it was out in Frederick'sburg, Texas. Because genuinely so pretty out there. Hard, hard to do. It's hard work. Yeah. You know, especially for a young person like yourself, that's, that's a lot of hard work. Yeah. And I remember when I changed that mindset, I was like, you know, I'm going to make the best out of my time here because my parents were saying, a good amount of money for me to be there. And I was like, you know, what if I just, like, I need to change that negative mindset to a positive one, because it's going to make the stay go by slower. I remember once I started having, actually having fun and treatment, I stopped counting down the days. I did. I did too. I counted them down for like the first four or five days. And then I was like, this shit is, it was like summer camp. Like this shit is so cool. And I'm around such a good group of people. And I don't have to worry about anything going on in the world. I literally just have to find myself, start loving myself again and just get sober. Literally, that's all I have to do. Use the support that's around you and that these people genuinely want to see you do better. And you know, I think, you know, I'm still, I'm still friends with people that I went to rehab with. And they're amazing people. There's been so much growth like amongst, you know, me and the people I went to, like, I went to treatment with. I mean, there were a few relapses and stuff. But I feel like each relapse makes a person stronger because it's part of their story. And they always say this in meetings, it's easy to get back into the drugs again, but it's so much harder to get out each time. Like it gets harder and more difficult to read that lifestyle. And so I feel like each time someone beats a relapse, it just makes them so much stronger. And not like I'm, it's not like I'm saying that people with an extended amount of sobriety that without a relapse, you know, aren't as strong. I mean, they've definitely acquired a lot more knowledge over the years. But I feel a lot of people who come into, especially talks, will be like, oh my gosh, I had this lot, like this amount of sobriety. And I fucked it all up and I relapsed. I think that's one of the harder things too is the shame and the guilt that you feel even makes it harder for you to come back into a room. Oh, for sure. Right? Because I never worried about a relapse for me as far as do I care what I, but I care what you're going to think about me. I care what he's going to think about me. I care what you're going to say about me when I come back in and say, I got to start all over. Yeah, that guilt and shame will keep me from coming back in this room. Oh, for sure. So I always, I always respect the people that relapse not because they relapse, but the ones that come back and stand there and admit to it because really there's not really any judgment in those fucking rooms. Anyways, there's, it's in here, but it's not like people are like, oh man, I'm just glad that you came back, right? They always welcome you. They always welcome you back. But I think that's where the drugs, it gets harder to set the drugs down because what are you doing? You set the drugs down, then you got to go face a fear that we have telling people that care about us and that love us. Hey, I relapse and I'm going to start this thing all over again. Exactly. Right? I think that's a, that keeps people back out there probably more than maybe the drugs even do sometimes. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I'm friends with all the people that I went to rehab with. We've lost two out of the 12 unfortunately. Let me ask you this, that's something that you're going to deal with a lot. Unfortunately, have you dealt with losing people at such a young age already? And as you stay in recovery, you're going to lose more and more people and people that are going to be close to you and people that you had a hand around sometimes, especially working in recovery. And that's something that unfortunately comes with the territory said to say. And it's something that I still am not used to. It still bucks me up every time we lose somebody, especially if I knew that person really well. How do you deal with it at a young age? Well, I personally, I haven't experienced losing anyone I knew from treatment to addiction as of right now. But I do know like at the end of the day, this disease, this terrible disease, you know, it's, I just, I really don't really have words for what, like I can't really give advice whenever I haven't necessarily experienced it myself. However, I did lose someone this year. His name was Stone. My boyfriend's brother, he helped me whenever I was withdrawing. He died from a motorcycle accident driving around the back roads and hit a deer. He was, he was such a good soul. I mean, genuinely, like one of the best people that you could possibly be around, he was so spiritual. I mean, he had such a firm belief and, you know, God, and sometimes I would look at him just being like so and be as because, oh my gosh, like how are you, you know, so accepted, like it's accepting, like accepting the fact that you know, like if I ever, like if I ever die, like I know what I'm going, I'm going there. And he was just such a sweet kind soul. And whenever that happened, it was a very, his grandmother called me and it was, when did this happen? It happened in June. Uh-huh. And so I think just dealing with death in general, I mean, the advice that I can't give is finding obviously allowing yourself to feel those emotions because suppressing them isn't going to do anything. It's only going to make you want to relapse. I would reach out to people and talk to them about how I was feeling because obviously, and, you know, and also accepting the fact that grief isn't a linear line. I mean, there'll be days, I mean, I remember like for a whole week, I was just so happy. I wasn't thinking of anything. And then one day, like I'm just getting ready and I'm looking at me and I just start breaking down. I start full on fucking crying. And it's, you know, it's going to have moments like that where you're thinking, I'm okay to, I'm not fucking okay. And I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. And just finding community and fellowship is something that has really helped me get through such a difficult time. Because, you know, a loss like that was something that like, I mean, I went to the funeral and seeing, you know, his family so distraught because they had, you know, his father had died earlier in the year to cancer. And so they lost two family members in one year. And so seeing that happen, you know, in front of me, and like, experience, you know, being at this funeral, you know, it just, it made me realize like, to what Stone did was he lived like every day to its fullest. And sometimes that made me realize, like, wow, I'm always thinking so much, you know, it did help me come up with the realization of, I always think so far into the future. And I'm always thinking of the past, but I'm not staying true to the present moment. And just being mindful and, you know, enjoying my connections and, you know, working the program praying because obviously, even today, I can't control what, you know, when you're, you know, how someone like passes away, I can't bring them back. And I also think me relapsing because someone has died, I think, and my personal opinion would be selfish of me to use someone's death as an excuse to use again, because it's not actually their death. That is the reason why I'm using it. I'm just using it as a scapegoat. Yeah, that's great. Why is beyond your years? So, I mean, that's a really cool way of looking at it. And I feel, I feel like silver linings can be found in anything, you know, and I feel like, you know, that smirk that your dad gave you. Even though this, it was probably a heartbreaking thing that he had to listen to you do or come or tell him in probably a small way, it might have been a, an opportunity for him to actually be your dad. You know, because that's really when you fuck up or my kids fuck up or it's an opportunity for me to parent and to do some hard shit that show up at your best. Yeah, that'll or show up at their worst moment, show up at their, their, their worst time. So, I mean, in an odd way, it might have been that, that might have been a little bit, I can't speak for it, but I'm just thinking about it that way. Oh, for sure. So, here's going to be a tough question. Okay, hit me. What do you feel like? What do you feel like your parents could have done? Maybe a little different. And I want you to do this for my kid and you are wise beyond your year years. That's why I'm asking it because of some of the things that you've talked about and shared in here. And I'm not saying that they're bad parents by asking you this question, but you obviously went down a path that was something other than they would have wanted to wanted you to. What do you think they could have done to prevent it? My parents, well, my dad blesses heart, love him, but he was a very, I think both of them were helicopter parents. My dad would try to over control. And would, you know, my, my, you know, my dad, he just, he had a control-ish problem. Like he would try to, you know, change how I acted and, you know, definitely, definitely needed some Allen on, but he didn't want to go to Allen on. He was totally unwilling. Whenever I was in treatment, like they asked him, hey, you want to go and he's like, no, and I think that's another thing that you could have done differently because even whenever I got back home and I was still like, like only, I was only like five months sober whenever I've got back home after sober living because the sober living is so shitty that my parents brought me back here earlier. And so my dad was still in that stage of like, okay, I'm going to drug, like he would drug test me still and he would accuse me of using it again just because my pupils were dilated. And I get it, you know, it's, it's, it's scary, like, especially whenever, you know, it's hard to trust an addict, but at the end of the day, I wish my parents realized that like you can't control what your kid decides to do because, you know, I truly believe that saying that strict parents create sneaky kids because I still found a way to go around their rules that they would give. Sure. And, you know, I, I, I also think, I just, I, I just think they, they also should have like kind of, I mean, I think during rehab, like everyone isn't really, they're, you know, my parents weren't their best. I wasn't my best. So it was like fighting fire with fire every time we would do those family calls. And it's so, it's so hard to think back on it because it's like it, even though it was two years ago, it's kind of hard to like remember what exactly it wouldn't ensue, but my parents would, you know, start blaming me for things. And then I would start blaming them for things. And we just didn't know how to pause and step back. Was there a lot of communication or no? It was, it was a lot of like moral so miscommunication. Yeah. Yeah. Was going to say, yeah. Did you mentioned earlier that your mom tried to be your friend more, right? And look, there's, it's hard to be a parent. It is. I'm sure that I'm too much of a friend to my daughter than I am her dad. And I'm just now learning how to do that. Because for such a long time, I was in my addiction. So in the first few years of my recovery, I try to make up for all the time by spoiling the shit out of her and doing it like just whatever she wanted to do, just do it, right? Yeah. And now like I'm trying to hold her accountable and have her do chores and like little shit that she should have been doing. And she's like, what the fuck? Yeah, exactly. What, why do I got to pick my room up? I've never done that shit before. Or why are you taking my phone from me? Like you've never done that before. And it's definitely a transition for both of us. But there's definitely a fine line. And I tell her all the time like when she gets pissed at me. And she's like, you know what? We're not going to be friends today or whatever the fuck she says. I always tell her now like, I'm your dad first. I can be your friend second. But I've got to be your dad. So maybe, and maybe they couldn't have done anything different. It's like, like what you said, kids are going to do what the fuck they want to do a lot of times, right? I remember I was listening to Kobe Bryant talk one time. You know Kobe Bryant. Are you two young? Oh, I know Kobe Bryant. I will come over this table right now. Is he the one that he was a debauchable player? Yes. You need to go watch Kobe Bryant videos. Anyways, he was one of the greatest ever. So he was, they were asking him one time like when your kids start dating or when you're greasy at four girls, when your girls start dating when they go out in the world, like are you like that pop up air? And he said, no, he said, all me and my wife can do is do the very best and give my kids the best guidance that we possibly can. And whatever they take from that and go out and make their own decisions, we can just hope that they make the right decisions when they get out there. So I don't know if there's a, you know, maybe your parents could have did something different. Maybe you could have done something different. Oh, for sure. There's a lot of things. But yeah, I think that that's that's a hard, it's a hard question. It's a tough question. It's not one that I would, I wouldn't necessarily ask to just anyone sitting in that chair. Right? But because you're beyond your ear because you're a little bit more beyond your years, I just as a parent, there was more of a selfish question for me. I mean, this to be fucking honest. Tell me how to be a better parent there. But I also thought that I mean, we have a lot of parents that watch this too. You know, and I mean, your story is one of fucking nightmares for a parent. I mean, it just is and it's and it's so tangible and it's so right now because you are so young. That's why I mentioned the communication part. I think that's one thing that households these days are missing is that open communication. Think it always was, man. Right? Oh, for sure. You get that sit down. Let's have dinner type shit and let's talk about just life and let's just talk about what you're going through and what we're going through and things like that. Oh, yeah. I don't know if families even do that so much anymore. I mean, I was from the generation that sat down at the dinner table. But I can't necessarily say that we were ever talking about shit like that. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I also, another thing that just came up in my mind is, you know, like me and my father, we are a lot closer than we were when I was in addiction. But I do one thing I do wish that my father did differently was because we would have those family interventions, you know, where we would get pissed off about something and then like, we would communicate about it. But it felt like anytime I would try to set boundaries with my father or try to tell him that something he did hurt me, he would take it as a personal insult. And it's like, no, like I'm not trying to make you seem like the bad guy. I'm just trying to communicate how something that was said made me feel hurt my feelings or something. Yeah. And he would take it as me. He'd basically turn that into me just basically telling him, oh, you're the worst parent ever. And so it kind of set that expectation that, oh, I can't tell him anything because I know he's going to get mad. Right. I know he's going to get mad and he's going to find something to say about it and just get pissed off, you know. And so because I didn't feel like I was in a safe space to tell my dad anything. And also like I knew that like anything I told my mom would eventually be told to my dad because I would tell my mom about things that I didn't things that my dad would do that would piss me off or whatever. And she'd be like, okay. And then she would like turn around and like tell him or whatever. And so it just basically made me feel like, okay, you can talk to your dad. I can't talk to my dad. I don't know if I want to mention this to my mom because I know she's going to mention it, which you know, she's basically where I didn't feel like I was in a space where I could, you know, communicate. However, I do know at the end of the day, like, when it comes to addiction, no one is going to have, like, no, as parents, you're not going to really react like, you know, kindly about it. It's drugs. It's something I tell me and my daughter's mom had this conversation before because my daughter tells me everything. And I'll tell her sometimes like, well, baby, did you tell your mom? And she'll say stuff like, no, I can't tell mom that. And I'll have talks with her mom like, hey, she needs to be able to tell you anything, like anything. And you can't overreact even if it's something you need to overreact to because then she's never going to tell you that shit again. Like she has to be able to trust that she can come to you or she can come to me. And it's there's not not in many judgment. There's not in me. Now, if you're in the wrong, yes, there may be some discipline or something. But at the end of the day, she can't not want to come to one of us because then she's fucked whenever she gets out there in real life because there's going to be some shit that happens to her or that she goes through that she needs to tell somebody. And if she can't tell me and she can't tell you who the fuck she's going to tell or what is she going to use to get over that feeling that she is feeling? Oh, for sure. Yeah. Um, definitely. I literally get it down to the tea. Like my, I mean, even even whenever I got sober, I felt like I couldn't talk to my dad about certain aspects of recovery. Because he didn't really understand. I mean, my father is a boomer. You know, they grew up during that era of we're being an alcoholic was basically unheard of. You know, like it was, it was the mindset of, well, okay, well, you know, people can just control it and just stop. Yeah, just stop. Yeah, just knock it off. You're drinking. You're, you have a drinking problem. Don't, don't do the alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Don't buy alcohol. Like that's basically they were very dismissive like mindset because AA still wasn't that, you know, it wasn't, wasn't a big day. It wasn't a big thing. Like even if it was created in the 30s, like it still wasn't like alcohol was very prominent in the era that my father grew up in. So still is. It still is now for sure. But, um, you know, being, I don't know, I feel like people are a lot more accepting of you being like sober for sure. Yeah. I mean, I think in, I mean, we talk about it, but when we were a kid and if we heard somebody was doing cocaine, I mean, it was like, or even if you found out at a younger age, that, oh, that guy's smoking pot. Yeah. It would be like, it would be like, hold on. I was a freshman in high school. I was judging people that were smoking weed. Yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, what are you doing? And then the first part of me, the first party that I went to when they were doing coke, I was probably like 19 and I was like, there's fucking people doing coke in the back room. Can y'all believe that? It was, yeah, it was insane to me. Yeah, it was insane. And then here I am 15 years later, smoking meth. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. I was one of those kids. I was like, oh, I will, I will never vape or I will never smoke a cigarette. And I'm never going to do hard drugs or alcohol. And then where I am now. But yeah, I mean, with my dad, he kind of would dismiss the fact that I was, and I mean, he would kind of dismiss the idea like that I was like an alcoholic that I could never drink, that I can't control my drink. No matter how hard I try. I mean, I was like, I remember because of this mindset that I was, you know, given even out of young age, I was basically told that shit. I remember the young age. I was like, I mean, or not in the, I'm not a young age, but whenever I started using I was like, why the fuck do I drink without even thinking about it? Why do I use drugs without even thinking about it? I'll try to control it, but I can't. What is like why? And whenever I was, you know, whenever I went to rehab and they basically explained the fact that like it is literally a disease. It is literally a disease. Yeah. Mm-hmm. 100%. Well, they, I mean, you're talking about the like the nuts and bolts of this podcast, right? Because I never will be able to completely understand your addiction or your addiction and your sobriety and your sobriety. I'll never be able to understand it because I can totally leave here, stop at a bar, have a beer. And that's the last beer I'm going to have for the next two or three days. Only one beer. And you could just get black out. Well, that's what I mean is like there is, there is some kind of, there's some kind of governor in my chemical makeup that make it very difficult for me to understand why you can't just leave it alone. Hey, you're lucky. That loser. But that also goes to the point like, I can be, open-minded enough to know that I also have never had cancer. And I will never be able to understand somebody who's going through chemo treatments. Yeah. Right. And fighting that disease. And at the end of the day, I mean, I'm not saying one's worse or better than the other, that both kill you. Yep. You're probably going to either know someone who is or you're going to love someone who has it in both forms. And if you don't, if you don't, and I was in this boat before the fucking podcast. I mean, it's only been the last year that I've kind of gotten there. But if you're not willing to talk about it, if you're not willing to try to understand it, how the fuck is it going to get any better? And that goes for both sides of the, that goes for both sides of the ledger. It goes for the, the addicts. And it goes for the people who love the addict. Right. Like so. That's a good point. I've never actually had someone sit me down, even in recovery and ask questions like, what do you think you did it? What they've never had anybody except for probably you trying to understand. Right. That makes sense. Yeah. Cause I mean, cause now I'm pass it so they're like, fucking just leave it where it's at. And there in my addiction, it was like, well, just put it down, just stop. Right. And I wish that the fuck I wish it was that easy. I wish it was a pill I could take that would just make it go away. The simple fact is that you guys picked a shit up. Yeah. You picked up what you picked up. You picked up what you picked up. And at the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. That doesn't matter. What you guys went through doesn't matter. But maybe why you did it. Mm-hmm. Does. Yeah. Right. And maybe why you did it is something that can be moved on and help helps a nice person and go on. Right. Like so. I mean, ignorance is bliss. We said it in there. And. And. And the problem now is ignorance being bliss around the all's disease has life and death consequences to it today that it's never had before in the history of this thing. I mean, it's not that long ago where you I could feel safe about him doing meth. Mm-hmm. You know, and now I like if he was picking up meth today, I would be like, mother fucker, that might have fentanyl in and you're gonna die. Like what the fuck are you thinking? Like, you know what I mean? So it I mean, the the difference between relapsing 10 years ago and relapsing today are so much more severe and so much more I mean, life or death. Oh, for sure. I agree. Yep. So how do people find you? Like. You'll find me. Social media. Yeah. So what is your address in your social security number and give them your phone number? Oh, and my credit card number and the three little magical digits to the back and the expiration. Yeah. Yeah. How do how do people find you? I hope I know we talked about you getting creepy things. Oh, no, it's, you know, I think the gooners are not going to overpower the people who are just reaching out from, you know, for help. Like just for advice and guidance, but you can find me at my Instagram and our Nelson 22. I have a TikTok, but the user name is fucking it's so bad. I don't know if I like I mean, okay, I'm just gonna say it anyways. Get it out there. My my TikTok is Giat Tilly. So G-Y-A-T-T-I-L-I-E-Belson B-E-L-S-O-N G-E-L-E-Belson. I don't know. I listen. Look, you're a sponsor is probably one of the better TikTokers and social media ears on the planet. So she has like 30 something thousand followers. I'm like damn girl. Like I think when she came on here, she was like at 6,000. She had a lot or maybe 8,000 and her shit is really good. Like, I mean, sober bridge, y'all go check out sober bridge on wherever, but that girl has got her shit together for sure. Yeah. All I post on my TikTok is like, I don't post because obviously yes, I mean, I do make being sober in recovery like a huge part of my personality. I mean, I can't like a fucking drugs were a huge part of my personality. So obviously when I got sober, I'm like, it's my personality now. Yeah. New personality unlocked. Yeah. Out of many. Just adding it to it. I mean, you can't identify as a sober person without identifying to the drugs. First. Oh, for sure. For sure. But I just I just post like fucking weird ass content. I don't know. I just like, I'll post like relatable shit. And then I'll just transition to me like doing doing a video of myself being like, like feeling myself next video. It's like, I don't know, fucking me doing hitting the gritty or something. I don't know man. Like it's just it's literally like how my mind works. But I mean, my more tame forms of social media is like Facebook. I am always so scared to post on Facebook man. Like it's like my entire family like follows like my whole entire bloodline follows me on Facebook. And I'm like, should I post this picture of me in a crop top? And then I'm like over here on my Instagram posting like a whole aspect cany post. Like my Facebook. It's like, dude, it's just so vastly different compared to my Instagram. More modest. Yeah. Literally. Yeah. But we talked about that, you know, over some brisket in there. I mean, don't read the comments. Right? Like and don't be a hypocrite about it. Don't mean we're going to read our comments because we have to close did something in one of our comments yesterday. It was it was talking about whenever I was telling my mom to get on the dating app and just start fucking a bunch of. Oh, yeah. Throw that monkey out there girl. I just got divorced. She 75. And she was like, what do I do? And I was like, get on a dating app. And she's like, well, what I said, mom, you're gonna have to get on there and just start fucking random people. And she's like, Michael, that's what about AIDS? I'm like, you're 75 years old. No, AIDS. So someone, one of our viewers on one of our followers is like, should have been a better person. Some bullshit like that's what happens when you become better friends and better parents. And pretty much this should not fucking be on mainstream library or some shit like that. And I posted some smart ass shit back to him. I don't remember what I said, but I said some stupid shit back. It wasn't terrible, but it was something pretty much like eat a dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You should eat a dick. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's that's kind of what I what I was telling you was, you know, say some prayers when you read some of the yeah, they're just gonna, it's just all it's gonna do is make you say eat a dick when you really, I mean, you can think it and you just, yeah, we would do that in church today. But to be honest, the the silence to me, to like all those nice areas is just normally I'll just put thanks for watching keep responding. That's what normally, hey, it gives it more traction. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate you watching or something, but even that to me is just like, yeah, no response is just the best one. Especially if they're still out there using that's, I know whenever I was using and I said it takes people didn't respond to me and drive me fucking crazy. Yeah. I said, drive me crazy. Before you leave, I want our viewers to see that this was not planned, but the socks that both the nut you and I are both wearing are strawberry shortcakes. Yeah. That was not planned either. It was not planned. I don't believe you. This is for I've never seen her in person until today. I know, but you guys were communicating. Do we were telepathically communicating like from like 100 miles away from one ex-metathetic to another literally strawberry shortcake today. Yeah. We were we we literally function on the same brain cell. Yeah. We just thought and there's only one of them. Yeah. There's only a couple of them between the two. No, it was the ghost of Ozzy Oz born telling us to wear a strawberry shortcake. I don't think Ozzy would ever tell anyone to wear a strawberry shortcake. I don't think so. No, I think he would. I think he would. He's always surprising people in the most smallest ways. That's Ozzy Oz born. Yeah. Ozzy was the best. You sign our wall. You got to sign your wall. Oh, yeah. And then we'll take some pictures with you and then we'll get you out of here. Okay. And we'll um and also you know if you need us for anything, let us know. Okay. And you're always welcome back here. And you can come back anytime. But you're uh you need us to show it for anything. We'll show up. All right. You're like um I mean remarkable story. I mean it really is like the fact that I mean Sean said it. I know a little ya but it's just like you can find your bottom or your bottom can find you and you finding it, addressing it at such a young age and then coming onto a podcast and sharing it your story is going to help not just young people who are going through the same shit but it's also going to help a lot of parents who have those children. So for sure. I cannot thank you enough for that as a really profound of you to come in here and help us out. I always tell people especially ones in the rooms that I meet that are your age are younger is don't be like me and figure this out at 42 years. Figure it out at 20 or 19 or 21 or 22 because you have fucking so many more years in front of you that like I'm just now figuring out at 42 or 45 now but don't wait until you're 42 and say fuck I should have figured this out when I was 20 you know. Yeah. It's a big deal. I've been I've been doing this thing with my mouth for the entire time. My lips are very chaps so I've been like eating the skin off my lips. I just thought to be honest and clear things clear the air. Awesome yummy skin lips. Yeah well you are her. She's sober she just you sober. I think she's very nervous. Deviously smirking at the camera at a girl. Well thank you again. Two addicts and more on We're out of here. Bye!