3 Things That Will Kill Your Marriage | Marriage Weekend | Pastor Josh Howerton

Hey guys, thanks for checking out this Bible teaching. Every week we release a podcast that corresponds to the sermon. It's like a little bit of a deeper dive where we hit some things that didn't make it into the sermon, some theological concepts. We talk about things that are going on in our culture and how to think about them from a biblical perspective. We call that podcast Live Free. An episode releases every Monday that corresponds to the sermon. If you would like to check out Live Free, just go to the Lake Point YouTube channel and look for the podcast tab there. We'll see you at Live Free. Now, enjoy this Bible teaching. When I was sitting there in the Song of Solomon series, Josh brought out these blocks. This is how God has designed the relationship to be built. You are getting discipled to do the exact opposite. And he flips the triangle and the building blocks upside down. because the foundation is the smallest part of the relationship, it's totally unstable, real easy for it to fall. And when I saw the blocks fall, I realized that I built my relationship on this weak foundation, and that's not how I want a relationship to end up, so I knew we had to make a drastic change. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, and we ended up going to college together in Arkansas. We've been living with each other since we lived in Arkansas. I think we always kind of felt shame. It was just something that we kept pushing further down. I knew it was wrong. I've read my Bible. I understand the principles that God has laid upon us, but you don't want to apply them to yourself. We were Christians in name, but not in how we lived. We went through premarital counseling with Ken Murphy, and he had proposed to us, we can get you married right now, or you guys can live in separate houses. And that's really like when the conviction started hitting for me, is I've been putting this to the side. I need to accept the role that God gave me as a man, and I need to set it right before him. We were just like, let's get married. And we told him we're going to be getting baptized. He was like, that's perfect. Let's do it an hour after your baptism. The peace that I felt after having that conversation and just such a release, it felt like it's God's plan. Rooted has just given us a great opportunity to build a community. We got put in a group that's a bunch of married couples that give us an insight into how you live a godly life. Rooted gave us direction, wisdom, and community. Ever since we've gotten married, I feel closer. I understand in the Bible when it says you become one flesh, we didn't feel like that before. We wanted to be close to each other. We wanted to be in close proximity to each other. But really that closeness is nothing compared to the closeness that you feel once you realize that you're following in God's footsteps and you're doing what His plan has for you. You're always just one step away from being so much closer to God. And no matter what lifestyle that you're living, there's always a redemptive path that he wants you to take. That's the lifestyle that leads you to blessings. Can't wait to see what more God has for us. Whatever he has for us, we're ready. My name is Colton. My name is Kaylee. And this is how Jesus changed our lives. Amen, amen, amen, amen. Man, let's give it up for Colton and Kaylee. Man, we're proud of you guys. Proud of you guys. I want to go ahead and just lay a spiritual foundation. There are some of you who you did not know it, but you stumbled in today. and you were in the situation they were in. And by the end of this service, the spirit of God will have worked on a man of God or a woman of God's heart. And you're gonna bend your knee to the Lordship of Jesus. We're gonna be celebrating you soon. I just want you to know, you just put a miracle in motion by being here today. So buckle up, it's gonna be awesome. Let me go ahead and we gotta get straight to work because there's a lot, I've gotta answer some very difficult questions about divorce and remarriage at the end of this message. So buckle up and we gotta move pretty quick, but I wanna give you this. I'm gonna give you some homework. We have compiled and we put some energy into this a resource bank of things to help you grow as a man of God or a woman of God in your marriage for a marriage for God. So if you could do this, if you could text the word marriage to the number 20411, we've got a few things right there. There's like some little date night questions me and Jana use just to keep things rolling. Really, really helpful. We asked you what questions you wanted us to answer about marriage, gender, sexuality, divorce, all the things. And six or eight hundred questions later, there were tons of questions I'm obviously not going to have time to answer in this message. A lot of those questions, very frankly, were nitty gritty questions about sex and intimacy in marriage. That's not this sermon. But those are important questions because people have real questions about real things So me and jana hopped on a podcast and we answered biblically a lot of those questions You're going to get a link to that there too. So i'm gonna give you some homework for you to maybe like choose a night She listens to the podcast you listen to the podcast. Then maybe you talk about it On a date night. I'm just going to tell you husbands and wives for both of you That's going to go very well for you So you can text the word marriage to the number 20411 get all those resources and we're going to get rolling. Okay, let me get right in. We got a lot to get to today. We're starting a series today called Investigating Jesus. This is going to take us all the way up to Easter, asking and answering the most common questions people have about what Jesus did, who he was, and what he said in his life. And one of the most common questions that people have about Jesus in our culture are questions about what Jesus did or did not say about things like gender, marriage, sexuality, divorce, and remarriage. So we're going to lean into some extremely heavy things today. Okay. So we've got your Bibles. Just roll over with me to Matthew 19. Now, before I'm going to get a running start into this passage, let me give you a quick theology of marriage. What you're going to notice in the Bible is that the Bible both starts and ends with a wedding. The Bible starts with a wedding in Genesis chapter two between Adam and Eve. And then the Bible ends with a wedding in the book of Revelation between Jesus, who is called the groom or husband men of the church and his bride, the church. So in the book of Revelation, the Bible says that history ends with a wedding, the marriage supper of the lamb. When we as the church are united as a bride to our groom, Jesus Christ, that's the analogy of the Bible. Now, If you go back to the book of Genesis, some of you might be wondering like, man, why is marriage so hard? Like it's just so hard. It just feels like there are constant attacks. The reason for that is found in the scriptures. So the first wedding happens in Genesis chapter 2 between Adam and Eve. Satan doesn't show up until Genesis chapter 3. Here's the big idea that explains what's happening in your life. As soon as the wedding is done, war is declared. It's actually not until after the first wedding that satan enters the picture and goes I got to destroy that thing Here's why a little theology because the book of malachi says that what god is doing in godly marriages Is seeking godly offspring so that we can raise Generations when you bend your knee to the lordship of jesus. It doesn't just change your life It changes your legacy and your lineage and this is what God wants to do for you and he's going to do it for some of you today. Now, the big idea is your spouse is not your enemy but you and your spouse have an enemy and your enemy wants you to think that your spouse is your enemy. So what Satan does is he's always since Genesis trying to turn it from man and wife to man versus wife. Good news though, when Jesus came and lived a perfect life and died on a cross, He defeated our enemy and now the people of God can be filled with the spirit of Jesus Christ And if anybody is in Christ, they're a new creation So watch this you can have a new marriage with the same spouse by the power of the spirit of God in you You can become new people. So that's the hope that we walk under and in today It's gonna be awesome. All right now, Matthew 19 We're gonna get to a bunch of hard questions about marriage divorce and remarriage. Here we go. Matthew 19 And if you like a lot of Bible, you're going to love this sermon. If you don't, why are you here? Okay, so Matthew 19, here we go. Some Pharisees came to test him. I just want to say this. The greatest test some of you will ever face is what are you going to do with marriage, divorce, and sexuality? I just want to point this out. What some of you are doing that you don't know that you're doing is you're considering following Jesus. But in your heart of hearts, what you're doing is you're going, man. But if jesus asked me to give up this part of my sex life or if jesus asked me To honor my marriage in this way or if jesus asked me to do this With a decision about divorce that i'm considering well then i'm out and can I just point this out If that's your posture towards jesus, you're actually not trusting jesus. You're testing jesus And we don't want to test jesus What we want to do is trust jesus because we believe that his commands are good for us This has been happening for 2 000 years the greatest test that people face Is what you are going to do with marriage and sexuality in your life In response to the lordship of jesus so they come and they test him And they ask is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife now watch this language For any and every reason now when they use that line it's weird language When they use that language for any and every reason let's do a little we're gonna bible nerd out for a second here there's a whole background going on here so in jesus day he was not the only really popular bible teacher there were these two other rabbis that were very popular when jesus was alive their names were rabbi shammai and rabbi hillel now these two guys it's a little nerdy they had a public debate over a verse in deuteronomy chapter 24 and they disagreed with each other about when does the Old Testament allow for divorce? So on the one hand, you had a guy named Rabbi Shammai, and he was like the more theologically conservative guy. And what he believed is that the Old Testament only allowed for divorces in cases of unchastity or adultery. And he believed that it didn't just allow for it, that God commanded and demanded divorce in that situation. So that was him on the one hand. On the other hand, you had this guy named Rabbi Hillel, who's a little more like theologically liberal. And he believed that, um, that a husband could divorce his wife, quote, this was his language for any and every reason that was his language. So like he believed anything displeasing to a husband was legitimate grounds for a biblical divorce, even including like he wrote this down things like burnt fish or burnt toast divorce. Okay. I will refrain from comment. I had a whole bunch of jokes and none of them felt right. Okay. So this is what he said now. So when they come to Jesus and they go, Jesus, um, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? What the Pharisees are doing is they're going, Jesus, whose side are you on? Are you on the Shammai side or are you on the Hillel side? Now watch how Jesus answers. He says, watch this. Haven't you read? Haven't you read? Now notice when Jesus starts talking about marriage, he says, haven't you read? He does not say, have you not heard from culture around you? He does not say, have you not learned from your JUCO gender studies professor? He does not say, have you not listened to your therapist that you see on Thursday? He does not say, have you not watched your favorite little TikTok influencer or your favorite little woke pagan Swifty sex in the City podcaster. Listen, bro, I'm going all at it today. I'm going right at it. He does not say that. What he does is, watch this, when Jesus starts talking about marriage, he says, have you not read in the word of the living God? Listen, here's the big idea. You must understand this. Satan has a plan to bless, or sorry, God has a plan to bless your marriage, and Satan has a plan to curse your marriage. And ultimately you get to decide which plan you're on. God's plan to bless your marriage is in his word. And Satan's plan to curse your marriage is in the world. So all you have to do to decide is our marriage going to be blessed or cursed is decide, are we going to look to the word or to the world for how to do marriage? And can I just say this, man, again, I'm going to be like, I'm going to heads up. I'm going to say multiple things today that you can be like, I can't believe he said that. Listen, I'm not saying those things because I don't love you. I'm saying those things because I do. If you've got cancer inside of you or your family or your marriage, if I like preach with a feather duster and apologize for 30 things and nuance everything and take it really light and 30 jokes, if I do that, I'm not going to get cancer out of your family. To get cancer out of you, the Bible says the word of God is living and active and sharper than a two-edged sword. It's like a cutting tool. What you need is a scalpel to get inside of your family and your life and cut out the thing that Satan will use to destroy your marriage. And in fact, I just want to point this out. I'll say some things in the next few minutes. The Bible is going to say things about marriage, sexuality, and divorce that are very controversial to the world. So you'll be like, that's controversial. My response to that is, to who? To who? because what the world says about marriage is controversial to heaven. I would rather be pleased. I would rather heaven be pleased and the world say we're controversial than be applauded by the world and controversial before heaven. Listen, this is what you want. And let me just say this. Just stop and think. Stop and think. Why in the world would you want to do what the world says is normal in marriage? Do you know what's normal in the world? broke, depressed, popping Xanax like it's Skittles, getting divorced three times, can't figure out what a boy or a girl is, end up an old three-time divorced cat person. That's like what's normal. So let me just ask why in the world would you want to do what normal in the world They can figure out what a dude is So like we just want to go what does the word of God say That's the thing that matters. Okay. Now check this out. Now check this out, man. Here's what I love. I did. Listen, man, I probably did more sermon prep this week than in a long time. I agonize over this. What's amazing is I love when sociology is always discovering what theology was already saying. So I just want I want to waterboard you with this. I want you to see guys god's plan for marriage works It works. It's blessed. It will bless your life. So let me just rattle these off real quick Stats i'm a stat guy You are 46 less likely to commit adultery if you believe the word of the bible is the literal word of god According to the journal of family issues people who said that religion was quote very important had the lowest level of extramarital affairs according to the institute for family studies there was a 14 year long study from the human flourishing program at harvard university involving more than 66 000 participants and they found that regular religious service attendance results in 50 percent lower divorce rates later in life by the way some of you have grown up hearing this little stat well christians get divorced at the same rate as the world. Lied. That is an outright lie. You have been lied to. In fact, the people with the lowest divorce rates in America are conservative, Bible-believing people that regularly attend church together. That's the lowest divorce rates in America. So you got this. Let me keep going. Active, conservative Protestants who regularly attend church are 35% less likely to divorce compared to those who have no affiliation, according to Brad Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project. And guess who has the best sex and marital intimacy in America? Check this out. Studies show that religious couples enjoy far more satisfying sex than their secular compatriots. I'm going to download it, just kind of summarize the research for you. Conservative, Bible-believing married couples who attend church regularly are in the group that has the most frequent and the best sex in America. Let me just say this. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. That's all I'm saying. You're welcome. So let me keep going. What Jesus does, he says, have you not read, there's blessing in the word of God, he replied, that at the beginning the creator made them male and female. And I don't want to angry tee off on this real quick, but just like, I just want to say it. In our culture, you've got to say it. Jesus, when he defines marriage, you'll hear the crazy people and politicians on TV, Jesus never said anything about the definition of marriage. It's right here. Jesus, when he defines marriage, defines marriage as between one biological man and one biological woman in a one flesh relationship in one covenant for one lifetime. So when Jesus defines marriage, he defines it as between a man and a woman. And listen, whoever designed it gets to define it. The Supreme Court cannot redefine what the Supreme King of the universe already designed. And Jesus said this, he said, in fact, I'll just say it. This is the definition of marriage and anything that does not fit this definition is not even a marriage in God's sight. It doesn't matter what you call it, okay? So this is what Jesus is saying. This is what a marriage is, verse five. And he said, and for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two are gonna become one flesh. So they are, watch this, this is important. They are no longer two, they are one. They're no longer two, they're one. Now, what I'm going to do right here for the next like three minutes, this is the heart. This may be the hardest part of the message to receive, but it's the most important part. Here's the principle that I'm working from. If God's way leads to life, then not doing it God's way is going to lead to death. Let me say that one more time because it's an important principle. If doing marriage God's way leads to life and blessing, then not doing marriage God's way is going to lead to death and cursing. Okay, so here's what I want you to do one more time. At all of our campuses, if you're with your spouse, would you just grab your spouse's hand real quick? Even if you're not doing great right now. Actually, especially if you're not doing great right now. Grab your spouse's hand. And when I count to three, I just want you to out loud say a one-sentence prayer. Just say, Father, speak to us. Okay? One, two, three. Father, speak to us. So, Lord, what we're doing right now is your kids just said, speak, Lord. Your servants are listening. Okay? Here we go. So what this is saying right here When jesus says They're no longer two but one when he says one what he's saying is Your spouse when you get married is your highest earthly priority above all other things now Here's what i'm gonna do. Okay weird sermon. I'm gonna give you three easy ways to kill your marriage That's what i'm gonna do three easy ways to kill your marriage Now when you see him, it's like oh crap i'm doing that. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to say that in sermons. Oh dang Whatever word you want to use. Shoot, I'm doing that. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm allowed to say. Okay, so then just let the Holy Spirit start to work on you. Okay, so here we go. Three easy ways to kill your marriage. Here we go. Okay, number one, put your career or your kids before your spouse. Now, I'm going to gender stereotype in the next couple minutes, and we're not going to freak out because we're big boys and girls, and we don't act like internet mobs at Lake Point. Okay, so here's the deal. First, let me talk to the men. As a man speaking to men. So theology of manhood, what the Bible says, notice in the book of Genesis, that Adam is found in the wilderness, but Eve is created in the garden. And Adam is put in the garden to, quote, work it and keep it. So now you're going to notice this. Adam is given a calling and a career, and then Eve is created as a helper for Adam. So check this out. This is super unpolitically correct, but it is very biblically correct. What this means is the way that God has designed families is for a husband and a wife to be equals but not equivalents. And you, husband, your job in your family is to be the loving head of your home. And you, wife, in your family is to be the respectful helper in your home. So the husband is primarily oriented towards the marketplace in general to protect and provide. And then the wife, it's like the least politically correct verse in the entire Bible. It's 1 Corinthians 11. The Bible says that the man was not created for woman, but the woman for man. And what that means is that she is primarily oriented towards the home and the husband to help in that way. Now, we talk about that on the podcast. I can't deep dive that right now. What this means for you, husbands, is your temptation will be to take a good thing and make it a God thing and end up prioritizing at different seasons of your life your work or your career over your wife. And listen to me, husbands, you must never do that. because you are not one flesh with your job, but you are one flesh with your wife. Your employer can get a new employee. Your wife cannot get a new husband. You must never prioritize those things over your wife. Now, are there seasons where it's like, hey babe, the next couple months, I'm gonna be going pretty hard. It's gonna be a little unique and then I'm gonna come back and we're gonna make it up. Totally, I have seasons like that. I like to work. I'm wired. I like to work. I like to build. I like to accomplish. but I gotta make sure that my priority stays my priority and you must do that, okay? Now, wives, let me gently lean into you and let me, even with my tone of voice, try to do it a little different, just a little gentler. Wives, in general, your temptation, generally speaking, will be to different seasons of your life, prioritize your children above your husband and listen to me, you must never do that. Now, here's why I'm saying that, just track with me because even though your children literally came from your flesh, The bible does not say that you are one flesh with your children It does say that you are one flesh with your husband and your job is to maintain that priority above this priority Now every now and then and if you've ever done this like much grace I'm, not trying to embarrass anybody every now and then i'll be out in the lobby and like a well-meaning wife with her husband It's a sort of there's a little boss babe vibe that usually happens with this kind of thing They'll walk up and the kids are skirting around down here And i'll reach out and the kids will make a little noise and i'll reach out to grab the husband's hand and she'll interject because of what's going on with the kids and say, oh, it's okay. My husband knows my babies come first. Great way to kill your marriage. You want to kill your marriage? Just keep doing that. That's all you got to do. Just kill it. Okay. Why? Because even though those kids came from your flesh, you are not one flesh with your children. You are one flesh with your husband. Now, can I explain how this is going to work? This right here, this is like, I know it's awkward. Just hold on and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you. This right here is why people very frequently don't get divorced at years 5, 6, and 7. They get divorced at years 25, 26, and 27. Let me explain why that is increasing a lot. I see it. Let me explain why that happens. Because generally speaking, when two people get married, the husband and the wife, they're prioritizing each other, and she's got the priorities correct. But then, after they become one flesh, newsflash, if you're one flesh often enough, a lot of times little kids start running around. Okay, that's how that works. So then they're one flash and then the kids start running around and then all of a sudden The kids become the wife's primary priority. They start getting her best energy She's too tired for fun. She's too tired for regular intimacy in the marriage Sometimes literally the wife is the one that's driving the energy Behind i'm gonna go all the way in right now behind the kids sleep doing the co-sleeping thing for months and months and months or sometimes years and years and years. Now, when there are newborns and they're three weeks old, is that different? Totally understand. Are there medical situations? Totally understand. But in general, can I just say something? Dear sir or dear madam, there should be things happening in your marriage bed that would scar your children for life if they saw them. And you need to be protecting the purity of the marriage bed. Listen to me. So those things can happen frequently. In Jesus' name, amen. Okay. The frequently. Okay. Now, can I, can I just, so here's, here's what will happen. I'm just going to tell you what will happen. So she said the wife's primary energy starts going towards the kids. And then all of a sudden they're doing the co-sleeping thing. Do you know why that happens? Because her energy's rolling over there. The husband knows really, it's like, man, he's scared of his wife's emotions. And because he, the new younger husband never conquered his fear of his wife's emotions. He knows she's going to throw a fit. If we draw, if I draw a line on this thing. And he's too scared of her emotions to lead his family. And so because he never conquered his fear of his wife's emotions, her emotions are dominating the home instead of his godly leadership leading the home. And this is how you get this situation where what God has joined together, kids that are sleeping in their parents' beds for years are pulling apart. So this is what happens. So the kids take her primary energy. Now the husband starts getting jealous because jealousy literally means somebody else is in my place. So because she's prioritizing the kids, he's like, well, I'll just start prioritizing my career. So she's focusing over here. He's focusing over there. I'm going to use the word hell here in a second. Don't freak out on me. I'm using it on purpose. So then the kids grow up and then they go to college like 20 years later and they're looking around and like, oh, the whole marriage, the thing that was keeping the marriage together was the kids. Now the kids go off to college, the marriage and the home are awful. and they're like, what the hell happened? Well, hell happened. Because you pulled hell up into your marriage by violating the principles of heaven. Heaven was telling you, you prioritize your husband over your children, your wife over your career, and this is what you're called to do. Okay? Now, second way, easy way to kill your marriage, put your parents before your spouse. Okay. So this is what Jesus says. He says, for this reason, a man will leave. Everybody say leave. a man will leave his father and mother and he will the old king james says cleave your niv your esv is going to say hold fast to leave and cleave leave uh father mother and cleave to his wife now here's a big idea you can't cleave fully unless you leave fully now here's a mistake some people will make if you're in that generation you got you got adult kids growing up and getting married and a lot most of the time people don't mean something bad by it it's just something people say is you'll have adult children getting married and you'll say, oh man, we're so excited to add a son to our family. Or we're so excited to add a daughter to our family. And can I just say, hey guys, that's not what's happening. You're not adding a son or a daughter to your family. Your son or your daughter are leaving your family. They're starting their own family and now it's their job to prioritize their immediate family over their extended family and when they left your family and started their own family you became extended family and their new family is their immediate family so here's how this it works out in holidays and vacations and money and all these things is parents to say like hey man we don't do that in our family no no you don't do that in your family but they just started a new family hey oh this is what we do at holidays in our family, well, that's great. That's your family. But they started a new family and their job is to prioritize their family. So what we're not going to do is try to control kids with tears or threats or money. We're going to let them leave our family, start their own family and prioritize their immediate family over their extended family. So let me just, I know it's tense, but let me just sort of lean in like young men. It's good. Like if you're a new, younger, married guy, it's a good thing that you love your mama. It's a good thing that you were a mama's boy growing up. But when you get married, it's time to stop being a mama's boy and become a man's man and prioritize your wife over every other woman on earth. Okay. Now that's a feminine applause. That's young women applauding Okay Now if you a wife listen it great that you love your dad You should love your dad for the rest of your life And it great that you were a daddy girl growing up But when you listen when you I got two daughters someday Oh, but someday my two daughters think about what happened at your wedding. I'm going to be at a wedding and God willing, I will walk. Who's going to walk them down an aisle? I'm going to walk my two daughters down an aisle. But and in that moment, I will literally take the hand of my daughter and in front of everyone there I will hand her hand to another man Pray for me right now. I'm not doing great And in that moment what I will be signifying is I am transferring headship over my daughter from myself to another man When your husband or when your dad walked you down that aisle and handed your hand to another man what he was doing is signifying I am giving you away and transferring headship from me to that guy so watch this your father has a place but your husband has the priority so now let me just say something to the younger if you're the one that's like you're in your 20s or 30s and you're the one getting married can I just say something to you you live in a culture that is satanically discipling you to treat your parents in the exact opposite way that God wants you to treat your parents Okay, the command of the Bible that God says will come with a blessing. It's a blessing. God says, he says this, he says, honor your father and mother. And then he gives a promise that it may go well with you. Honor your father and mother. Honor your father and mother. This world is discipling you to do the exact opposite. This world will disciple you to blame your father and mother. Blame your father and mother. Blame your father and mother. But listen, in Satan's way, there's a curse that accompanies it. In God's way, there's a blessing that accompanies it. And what you need to understand, check this out, man. Honoring your father and mother, it looks different when you're really young and when you're older and you've got your own family. When you're young, honoring them means obeying them. But watch this. As you get older, you need to honor your father and mother. Watch this. You need to give them a place in your life. I'm talking under normal circumstances. I'm not talking about abuse or edge cases. You need to give them a place in your life. But listen, the priority belongs to your spouse. So easy way to kill your marriage, prioritize your parents before your spouse. Third one, last one. You can kill your marriage very easily by putting yourself before your spouse. It's the easiest way to kill your marriage. So here's what we want. Everyone in this room, whether you know it or not, you are going to default. I'm going to show you what they are. You have a default mode in your marriage that you don't know that you have. and based on the mixture of the default modes in your marriage, your marriage is one of three kinds of marriages. Now, I want you to silently ask the Holy Spirit right now, please show me which one I am in your seat, just silently. And here's how this works. Everybody in a marriage has one of two default modes. What we want is to walk into a marriage with the Spirit of Jesus Christ who didn't come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. Now, in every marriage, both people have one of two default modes. you're either a selfish taker or you're a servant-hearted giver. One of those is going to be your generalized default mode, a selfish taker or a servant-hearted giver. Now that's going to result in one of three kinds of marriages. So every marriage in this room, when I say this, you're going to be like, oh man, that's us. And you didn't even know it. Okay. When you have a marriage where both people are selfish takers, the marriage feels like a battle because like literally every situation is like, well, here's what I want. Well, here's what I want. Here's where I want to eat. Well, here's what I want to eat. And it's just like this battle over whose will is going to win. So taker and taker marriage feels like a battle. Now in some marriages, what you got is you have one selfish taker and one servant hearted giver. And when you have a giver and a taker, the marriage doesn't feel like a battle. It feels like abuse because there's one person who always they're the doormat. And I'm just going to tell you how this works. And it's not, listen, it is not gender specific. Sometimes it's the guys, sometimes it's the girls. There's usually one person, they always power up. They always throw a big fit. They're always the one that gets the most emotional. It's tears, it's yelling, whatever it is. And you're imposing your will on the marriage because your default mode is to be a selfish taker and her or his default mode, God bless them is to be a selfless giver. And so what happens is one person over functions, one person under functions, one person always gets what they want because the other person is always throwing a fit. And in those situations, one person is like, this is great. Our marriage is great. Things are going awesome. And the other person is silently suffering because they've been married to a selfish fit thrower for however long you've been married and they never get what they want. So your marriage, it doesn't feel like a battle. It feels like abuse. Now this third one, here's what we all want. When two people are filled with the spirit of Jesus Christ, who is a servant, and they both walk in as selfless givers, the marriage doesn't feel like a battle or abuse. Everything just feels like a blessing. It's like both people walk in the door going, man, what do you want? What would bless you? How can I serve you? Where do you want to eat? It's your needs before mine. Where do you want to go? What can I do for you? Let me talk for wives. Like, let me just be real gentle. Wives, you start walking into the marriage going, man, how can I serve you? How can I help you? I'm going to use a word that is like our world hates, but it's a Bible word. Wives, you start walking into the marriage going, how can I submit to your leadership? How can I respect your authority in our home? How can I bless you? And then husbands, it's you walking in going, no, no, no. How can I bless you? How can I wash your feet? Yep, I am the head of my home, how can I use the authority in our home to serve you instead of using the authority God has given me in our home for selfish me? How can I help? Now, husbands, let me just give you a super practical tip, husband to husband, because we're not always awesome at this. What you need to do, husbands, is you need to master the art of something some of you are very unfamiliar with. You need to master the art of, listen close, it's called non-sexual affection. Some of you are like, non-sexual? What's that? There's such a thing as non-sexual affection? What does that even mean? So, like, ladies, you just need to know. Let me just help you out because some of you are nervous something's wrong with your husband. A husband can make literally anything sexual. You just need to know that. Y'all got to loosen up in the 11 o'clock. We got a little more fun with it. So it's like, it's just how it works, man. I don't know how it is, just how it works. You'd be like, hey, babe, we need to change the tires. He's going to be like, I'd like to change your tires. You know? Hey, babe, we should do the dishes. I'd like to do your dishes, you know Hey, babe lawn needs mowed. I'd like to mow your i'm not doing that You just all the all the thing is that you know all the all the things, okay? So wives let me just dispel this for you if you're going what's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? There's nothing wrong with him. He's a man. That's there's nothing wrong with him, okay? Now I heard that amen. I heard you Yeah, I heard you I'm sweating a little bit now Now, husbands, what you need to do, though, is you need to, especially if you, amen, you should listen real close right here. You need to master this phrase. Master the phrase, I love you because. And then get like super specific. I love you because you work so hard for our family, and I see. I love you because you make so many sacrifices that no one will ever know about. I see, and I know. I love you for it. I love you because our children are so blessed to have you as their mother. I love you. I love you because of it. I love you because you so selflessly serve in our home and the joy of the Lord is your strength. I love you for husbands. If you will master this deal of just like, I know it's not natural. It's not natural for me, but if you just master this thing of like, I love you because that's going to go real, real, real good for you. Okay. Now let's just, let's truck here because we got to get to these questions about marriage and divorce that are that are really really tough here okay so jesus goes on he says so there are no longer two but they're one flesh and then he says therefore what god has joined together let no one separate so jesus big word for a biblical marriage watch this the most important word is one you're one now again i'm gonna get up in some of our business real quick here i'm doing it because i love you one what this means is that when you get married, you take separate lives and you leave lives that were separate. His career, my career, his friends, her friends, his direction, her direction, his religious beliefs, her religious beliefs. I'm going to get here in a second. His last name, her last name. You leave lives that are separate and you merge them to become one. And this is awesome, man. One new life. You know, you become more like each other. Yeah. As long as you're married, you start bringing out the best in each other. You do frustrate each other a little bit, you know, but you're growing closer. It's like, I know how you're thinking. I can finish Jana's sentences. Y'all, you start just seeing the way, you know, they, they see things, even your interest. They start to merge in, in weird ways, weird ways. A few years ago, we were in, uh, we were in great Britain, me and Jana, and she pulled me into the Jane Austen museum in Bath, England. And just before I knew it, it's like this happened. Like without me even thinking about it, I'm like, what the heck just happened? You know, like, Oh my gosh, that's my best Mr. Darcy. That's a, you know, I got to, now I just want to point this out. Look how happy Jana looks. And I look, my face looks different. I just want to point that out. I take that down. The things you'll do, the things you'll do, but you just, you start becoming one, you know, you now, um, what's that mean? Let me get real practical. Now, some of you that are very young, this is going to feel like I'm fighting with you, and that's because you're wrong. I love you, okay? Now, what that means, here's what this means. It means some common sense things. It means you need to live in one house. This is super obvious, you know? Unless you're loaded and you got a few houses, then go together, you know, but one house. It means you need to, you know, in general, you need to be sleeping in one bed, one bedroom and one bed. Here we go. It means you need one last name. One last name. Now, let me just point this out. Ladies, in our culture right now is doing this big, like, again, it's the girl boss thing. I'm not taking any man's name. Okay. Now check this out, ma'am. Ladies, when you as a wife choose to willingly take your new husband's name, two things are happening. One, you're visibly symbolizing I'm leaving the leadership of my father and coming under the leadership of my husband. I just want to point this out. So there's some people like, I'm not taking on the identity of a man, and so you kept your dad's last name. So that's one. You're, I'm going to let that sit. So you're symbolizing that you can't, you're coming under your new husband's leadership, but here's the other thing. What you're symbolizing is we are no longer two, but one. It's a good, God-honoring, wonderful Christian thing for a wife to take her husband's name. okay so one last name uh let me do another one one bank account oh oh lots of butts clenching you know that kind of thing okay yeah now here's me i'm just telling you this the longer i've seen this i have in general i've never seen maybe short-term you know pain alleviation i've never seen long-term where that worked out just feels weird to be one flesh but then you're separate checking accounts and then mowing each other for groceries. Feels weird. Okay. One set of values. This is why, man, if you're single, you need to heed this command. Do not be unequally yoked to somebody that's not a believer. Listen, be very careful. Listen, man, be very careful who you marry. It's the second most important decision you'll ever make. Most important decision you'll ever make is what God you worship. Second most important decision you'll ever make, what person you marry. And the Bible says this, It says, what does, what fellowship does light have to do with darkness or Christ with Belial? That's a word for Satan. So you need to make sure that you only marry somebody where both of you can say, Jesus is our King and we are both submitting our lives to the word of God in the power of the spirit of God. That's the only person you marry. Okay. That's it. Now, now oneness. Now here's the question. And it's, it's, it's a heavy question. The question that people will ask, they ask in this passage is, okay, they're one, we're one. but when is there an out? So let me answer a few really difficult questions right here. All right, now quick, quick, quick, quick preface here. What some of you are doing right now is you're uncomfortable because you know what Jesus says right here. And you're looking at me going, pastor, explain why the Bible doesn't mean what it says right here. And I'm just telling you, I can't do that. There is a conversation that I decided years ago, I refuse to have. I refuse to stand before the throne of God someday and have to say to Jesus, hey Jesus, there were some things that you said to the people that you loved, but I thought that it would make them mad and hurt their feelings, so I didn't say those things to them. I refuse to have that conversation someday. And it would actually be selfish, cowardly of me, and it would undercut the reality that God's commands are good for us. So man, I'm gonna tell you just what the word, I'm gonna read it to you and tell you what the word says. Let me answer the questions. When does God allow for divorce? If I'm divorced, am I allowed to get remarried? If I was divorced and now I'm remarried, am I committing adultery? Because Jesus, you're gonna see what Jesus says here, okay? So let me answer the first question. When does the Bible make an allowance for divorce? Let me talk about three situations. Situation number one, the Bible makes, It's called an exception clause for the case of physical adultery. Jesus says, therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. It's saying, don't go to the courthouse to undo what was done in God's house. Why then they asked did Moses command a man to give his wife a certificate of divorce and give her away Verse 8 Jesus replied Moses permitted On the count of three say permitted One two three permitted He did not say demanded or commanded. He said permitted. Permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for sexual immorality. The Greek word there is porneia. That's the Greek word from which we get the English word pornography. except for sexual immorality and marries another woman commits adultery. Now, this reinforces what we alluded to earlier in this message. The sex is not just a natural appetite and it is not just two bodies bumping up against each other. It is a supernatural mingling of souls that is so powerful, watch this, that when two people do it outside of a marriage covenant, that betrayal and violation of the marriage covenant is so deep that Jesus here concedes He does not command. He concedes but does not command that you may walk away from that marriage. He does not say that you have to, particularly in a case where one spouse is practicing unrepentant, habitual, they won't stop sexual immorality, especially in cases of physical adultery. Now, let me just say this. Let me just step in and be a pastor for a second. If you have ever been on the receiving end of a spouse committing adultery, let me just say, I'm so sorry. I literally cannot fathom the pain. I literally can't fathom it. That said, let me just gently say, even in that case, I would encourage you for divorce to be a last resort and not a first option. What I would encourage you to do is at least take a season to pray and ask God if he might give you the power to redemptively restore your marriage. Here's why I say that, man. Because divorce is a radical amputation and amputations are supposed to be last resorts. Think about this. If I'm playing flag football with some buddies and I snap my wrist, my first option isn't amputate my hand. That's the last resort. In fact, the only time you do that is if something so nasty is going on in the hand, you've got to cut it off to keep it from spreading to the rest of the body and killing the whole body. It's the same with divorce. It is an ugly, radical amputation. And here's the other reason I say that. Think about the example of Christ and the church. The Bible says the church is Jesus' bride. Hey guys, have you seen this? We are the bride of Christ. We have spent our whole lives being unfaithful to our husband. he ain't never walked away from the covenant with us yet. And I'm just telling you, God knows what it's like to have a spouse that's faithless to you. And I'm just telling you, if Jesus is alive and the tomb is empty, then anything is possible. And if he can resurrect a dead body, I have watched him resurrect dead marriages and he can do it. So I'm asking you to pause and consider, man, might God do that, all right? Situation number two. The Bible makes an exception in the case of abandonment. So I'm getting ready to read a very weird verse from 1 Corinthians 7. What happened in Corinth is a whole bunch of, it was a super jacked up church. Christians gone wild, they were going nuts. And then God starts radically saving all these people in Corinth. And now they're on team Jesus. But then sometimes their spouse didn't get saved. So then because the spouse didn't get saved, you got one person on team Jesus. One person is still on team Satan. And they start going, Paul, what are we supposed to do? further complicating it they had some people who were the unbelieving spouse that were abandoning the believing spouse and they were going like so are we still married? what are we supposed to do? now watch what he says this is how Paul answers to the rest I say this if any brother has a wife that's not a believer and she's willing to live with him he must not divorce her and if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. So if you're the believing spouse and they're the unbelieving spouse, listen, you are not allowed to initiate the divorce because of the incongruence in your value. You're not allowed. Now, you may go, well, man, why? It's hard. I'm gonna show you here in a second. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound in such circumstances. God has called you to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband or how do you know husband whether you will save your wife? So what he's saying is, if your unbelieving spouse will stay with you, stay in. Because you might be the supernatural conduit through which God brings redemptive energy in their life to save them and redeem your whole family. Now, in the case where the person just abandons you and they're like, I hate the Christian stuff, I'm out, I'm leaving. He's saying, it is permissible for you to allow them to move forward with that divorce. And God says, it's okay. It's okay to let that happen. That's situation two. Now, situation three is a question people ask. Let me address this question. It's very difficult. People ask the question, what about situations of abuse? Now, listen really close. Listen really carefully. I want to be really careful here because very frankly, we right now live in a culture where a common form of abuse is abuse of the word abuse. and right now in our culture sometimes anything that makes somebody feel uncomfortable or anybody that caused somebody causes somebody to feel a negative emotion is automatically labeled abuse and they are automatically labeled an abuser so listen not everything that is called abuse in our culture is actually abuse but that does not negate the very real reality that there are real tragic and listen, and evil. It's satanic, demonic, and evil. Evil scenarios where evil people abuse their spouses physically, sexually, in other ways. That's a real thing. What do you do? Well, in 1 Corinthians 7 that I just read, he said, in such circumstances, this is what he said, okay? And what he was saying is, if they abandon you, that's a violation of the covenant that's so deep, he says, you just need to let that separation happen. In the same way, listen, if somebody is abusing you, number one, you need to call the authorities. Number two, call us. We will help you report that person that is hurting you or your children to the authorities. That's why God put governing authorities in place. We will help you do it. And listen, number three, in situations of abuse, at least separation is necessary. Get yourself out, get your babies out, get yourself to safety. You need to make sure that's taken care of. Now, second question. These are going to go quick and then the sermon just ends and I'm going to pray for you. Then people are like, okay, I've been divorced. Am I allowed to get remarried? Okay. I hate, should I get remarried? I hate answering this question. A personal axiom I have is what people do is they'll walk up to me in the lobby and they'll tell me four seconds of this big life problem. And they'll go, what should I do? I don't know. I've literally heard four seconds of your stuff. I got no idea. Okay. So my little axiom is the, you can have the wisdom of Solomon, but if you have incomplete information, you're going to get fool's counsel. So what I'm not going to do up here is with 28,000 people listening to me, trying to pretend like I understand 28,000 different scenarios and give you a one size fits all thing. I'm not going to do that. So let me just generally say this. Some of you shouldn't, Some of you should not get married. In fact, you should take some time man To get get your roots down deep and jesus to be so satisfied with him That you can walk into any future scenario with a cup full and ready to be everything you need to be You need to do that. But listen to me what what the bible says is If your divorce was a biblical divorce, then where god allows for divorce. He also allows for remarriage. You're fine Go forward with no guilt Now the last one is a toughie. Some people read the passage. I just read it. They go. Okay. Yeah, but pastor josh I got divorced And it wasn't a biblical divorce and now i'm in another marriage It seems like jesus is saying That it's adultery Am I committing adultery and what am I supposed to do? Okay Let me say this and this is again. I don't write the mail. I deliver the mail if the divorce that you originally got was an unbiblical divorce you should not have entered into that second marriage I'm just telling you what Jesus said but, listen to me, but even if your second marriage if it wasn't a biblical divorce breaking a second covenant doesn't help the first one and the vows you made with your now spouse those vows matter so what you I'm going to show you why I say this here in a second what you should do is receive the full and free forgiveness of Jesus Christ understand there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus walk forward in freedom confess and repent any sin that you had to anybody previously that you sinned against in a previous marriage and then you just need to walk forward and pour yourself into the marriage that you're in and honor that covenant The reason that I say this, you're like, ah, here's my biblical case. Listen, I studied way too much this week. One of the reasons I say this is think about what Jesus did with the woman at the well, where he goes, hey, go call your husband. And she's like, I don't got a husband. And remember what Jesus said, you're right, you don't have a husband. You've had five husbands, and a guy you're living with right now, not one of your husbands. Notice Jesus didn't say, well, actually, you only had one husband, and it was an unbiblical divorce, so the other four weren't actually your husband. and those weren't real marriages and you were just committing adultery the whole time. He doesn't say that. Jesus seems to tacitly acknowledge that those secondary marriages, those were real covenants with real vows that you should honor because those vows matter. Now, last thing, church family. The question is, how should we relate to people who have been divorced? Listen to me, church family. We should show mercy to people who have experienced the hell of divorce. we should show mercy. Listen, do you know who you don't got to tell that divorce is awful? Divorce people. Divorce people. They're like, yeah, man, that was awful. That was like a worst thing that ever happened to me. They know that. In fact, whenever that verse in the book of Malachi says God hates divorce, it says God hates divorce. You know what it doesn't say? It doesn't say God hates divorced people. Listen to me. Whoever you are, Jesus Christ loves you. There is no condemnation for you. And for the rest of your life, You don't got to walk around with like some big scarlet D tattooed on your chest. The only big thing scarlet tattooed on you is a big scarlet F for forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ. That's the most true thing about you, man. That's it. So you walk forward in freedom. All right, now. I'm just, this sermon just goes off a cliff. Sermon's done right now. Okay. But I want to give you action steps. Whenever the word of God is preached and the spirit of God takes it, he's going to apply it to the people of God. Some of you right now while I was preaching You are you have been heading for a divorce or you've been sinning against your spouse in a way that the spirit right now Everybody stay with me. Just stay with me. Just gonna be real quick You are heading to do something That you know is not gonna honor god that is actually going to invite hell into your life in your marriage Repent man come home bend your knee to jesus and watch blessing flow in your life Some of you here's what I know and this is gonna be awesome. Okay Some of you we're reaching a whole bunch of young young men and women right now. It's awesome. I love it But what a lot of you is you didn't know what you were supposed to do So you've actually you're living with somebody that's not your spouse You're sleeping with somebody that's not your spouse or you've actually already started a family and had kids with somebody That's not your spouse And you right now are coming under the loving conviction of the holy spirit that you need to honor god Bend your knee to jesus put a ring on it and enter into a covenant with a person that you're already acting like you're in a covenant with And what I want you to know is we want to help you do that Because we got a little thing at lake point. We say the only time we look down on people is to give them a hand up And so here's what we want to do. We got a whole i've set this whole thing up. We got a whole team of pastors They're ready We are ready to have a mass wedding ceremony across i'm 100 serious A mass wedding ceremony across all the campuses of lake point some of you right now here's what you need to do. You need to text the word marriage to the number 20411. You're going to see a link on there. It's very straightforward. It says, get married. Awesome. And you just need to like, all right, babe, it's our time. Let's go. Okay. And you can sign up. We got people who are going to walk with you, counsel you, help you. And then we're going to get you married. We're going to throw a big party. And guess what your church family is not going to be doing. These people aren't going to be judging you. They're going to be cheering you on as you step forward into obedience to Jesus Christ. Welcome to Team Jesus. That's what we're going to be doing, okay? So take whatever step the Spirit's asking you to do. Let me pray for us. Jesus, thank you for being a loving, forgiving, redeeming Savior. Thank you for loving marriages. Thank you for blessing marriages. I pray, Jesus, that you would heal and redeem everything that Satan has broken and stolen. So, Father, I pray that repentance would happen. I pray that today that people would be going home and that just lots of I'm so sorries and lots of I totally forgive you's would just start pouring out of the hearts of people. I pray, Lord, that you would, that I pray over every marriage, that their latter days would be greater than their former days in the words of the book of Job. And that for every marriage at Lake Point, that actually their best days would be ahead of them. And that because of the power of Jesus Christ, they would be saying soon, like, man, this is like, this is better than honeymoon season. They're just, thank you, Jesus. So, Father, bless it to your glory. We pray it in your name. And all God's people said, amen. Amen, amen, amen.