When Faith Overrides Grief

Hey homegirls, welcome to another episode of the Gurgis Hill podcast. I'm your favorite homegirl, Nimoya Baysden, and the episode that you are about to listen to is a replay episode. And in this episode, we're going to be talking about all things building faith while navigating grief. And this is a topic that I feel like a lot of us don't really confront this topic because when we go through hard situations in life or we're grieving somebody or we're grieving something. Sometimes the last thing we want to do is talk about building faith. Sometimes the last thing we want to do is talk about how much we trust and we believe in God. And in this episode, I am just really just going down the journey of me grieving my son, Noah. If you've been here for a while, then you know about Noah. And I promise you, as I was listening to this episode, it was like a full circle moment and like I had a mirror up to my face because at the time when I recorded this episode I had lost Noah like eight months prior and so now I am six months from losing my second son Noel and all of the emotions and the things that I was feeling in this episode it came back up and it was like a full circle moment and I'm like I'm dealing with some of these things now and have been dealing with some of these things. And so I find myself again, building faith while navigating grief. And so this is really an on time word. I pray that this episode encourages you. So y'all already know, sit back, get comfy, relax, get you something to write with. Okay. Get you something to take notes with because we're about to talk about this topic that I feel like it's a well needed topic. And y'all know we're gearing up for our faith series. And so this falls right in line, just getting us prepared for that faith series. So I love you, homegirls. Don't forget to go to girljustheal.com, get your prayer cards, your homegirl merch. Go to girljusthealconference.com so that you can make sure you sign up for the details of the Girl Just Heal Conference this year as they roll in. I love y'all so much. And I just pray this episode blesses you. So let's get into it. Hey, homegirl. Welcome to the Girl Just Heal podcast. where together we learn how to navigate our healing journeys in a way that challenges us to destroy limits and break down walls that have been keeping us subject to our trauma. I am your host, your favorite homegirl, Nimoya Bazin. And just like you, I am on this healing journey, navigating the ups and downs of this thing called life while simultaneously allowing God to usher me right into the place where he wants me to be. So get comfy, grab your journal, and let's talk about all the ways we can heal, grow, and evolve together. Hey, homegirls. Welcome to the Girl Just Healed podcast. I'm your favorite homegirl, Nimoya Bazedon, and Chad, listen. So how are y'all doing? I pray that y'all are doing well. Pray that y'all are feeling well. So baby, we are back. We are back in action. I am feeling so much better, but I appreciate y'all. Let me just take a minute to say how much I appreciate y'all because y'all show up. And baby, y'all keep me going. When I say you keep me going, I mean that you really keep me going. Y'all are so encouraging, so uplifting, so motivating. Y'all really love y'all favorite homegirl. And I love that. Like, I love that so much. I love how y'all love me. And y'all know that that love comes right back to y'all. I appreciate y'all. Y'all are like, baby, y'all are everything to me. So thank you so much for being a part of the family, being the best part of Girl Just Heal. I appreciate you so very much, homegirl. So let's go ahead and get into the episode. We are gonna first start off with our homegirl updates, okay? And the first being girljustheal.com, baby, go and get your journal, go and get your prayer cards, get your homegirl merch, all of the things. All right, so now we're gonna go ahead and shout out a homegirl. So this homegirl review comes from Flower Potty and it's titled A Healing Space. And she did leave a five star rating. So thank you so much for that homegirl. And she says, sometimes we feel alone in this healing journey. Sometimes we think something's wrong with us. Thank you for creating this space. So I feel normal, not like something is wrong with me. My new favorite podcast, Love, Gina Lugo. Gina homegirl baby let me tell you something I appreciate you so much thank you so much for being here thank you for being the best part of girl just heal thank you for seeing the value in this space y'all when I tell y'all we really curating a safe space not only are we curating a safe space online not only are we curating a safe space on social media not only are we curating a safe space virtually. Baby, we are curating a safe space in person as well through the Girl Just Heal conference. With Girl Just Heal on a whole, a safe space is being curated for you. So if you listening to this homegirl, you are a part of that safe space. And that was my goal when I started Girl Just Heal was to make sure that every woman who encountered this space knew, Baby she knew without the shadow of a doubt As soon as she walked in this space That it was a safe space That we are going to protect you here We are going to respect you here Like that is what Girl Jazeel stands for And baby this is your space to let your guard down This is your space to let your hair down Baby this is your space to not have to act like you perfect Okay This is your space to not have to act like you got it all together Because ain't none of us got it all together And together we are going to walk through this life's journey We are going to navigate our challenges We are going to navigate and overcome in this healing journey together So I love y'all homegirls so much Gina, thank you again homegirl for that amazing review And just know baby, this is your space And homegirl, to all my homegirls listening This is your safe space This is your space So just come in this space And y'all are already in this space I don't even have to tell y'all this But I love when I get reviews like that Because it's good to send a reminder to you sometimes Because baby, maybe you forgot, okay? Maybe you used to listen to the podcast And then you fell off a little bit And this is your first episode back in a minute Baby, welcome back Homegirl, welcome back to your safe space But I just want to give you this reminder That this space is just for you This space is your space to be you The authentic you The you that don't have it all together The you that ain't got it all figured out The you that still cry sometimes The you that still question things sometimes The you that still like Lord when is it gonna be me The you that still in pain The you that still hurting Because of that bad relationship The you that still hurting Because of that friendship breakup Like baby this is your space to be Listen This is your space to be Whoever it is that you are Whatever it is that you are dealing with This is your safe space And we are going to safeguard you We are going to protect you We are going to respect you And make sure that you never question This being your safe space Baby, you always gonna know That Girl Just Heal is your safe space, okay? So let's go ahead and get into the most favorite part of this episode Baby, y'all already know what it is It is time for the prayer cause Prayer cause It is time for the prayer cards Prayer cards It's time for the prayer cards Y'all it's time to get our word in Y'all know we love these prayer cards around here I know y'all love them Everybody loves the prayer cards And I see y'all continuing to get y'all prayer cards And it warms my heart Because these prayer cards are a very very great tool to have When I tell you I will look at a prayer card and I will read a scripture and sometimes that be my journal prompts Like it like me just going and talking about how I feel about this scripture or what this scripture has brought up for me you know because sometimes I can read a scripture and I be like oh like that was good And I just want to jot down, you know, what I'm feeling in that moment when I read this scripture. And then that way I have something to come back to at a later date. All right. So our scripture today comes from Exodus chapter 15, verse two. And it says, the Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation. The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation. Baby, we're going to go to another version of this scripture. I want to go to the Amplify. Y'all Amplify been eating me up lately, baby. And y'all know I love the New Living Translation version, but Amplify version has really been eating your girl up lately. So we're going to go to the Amplify version of this. So Exodus chapter 15, verse 2, and Amplify says, the Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation. This is my God. Come on, baby, you better make it personal. This is my God, and I will praise him. My father's God and I will exalt him Listen, the God I serve, baby Has been good throughout generations Listen, oh my goodness The God I serve has been good throughout generations This is my grandmother's God This is the God that got my mama nim through back then This is the God that got my great auntie nim through back then And guess what? He's getting me through today Again, in the Amplified Version The Lord is my strength and my song Make that personal home girl. And he has become my salvation. This is my God and I will praise him. But here's the reminder. This is also my father's God and I will exalt him. Baby, bookmark this Exodus chapter 15, verse two. I love the book of Exodus. Okay, but bookmark this scripture. Let me know what came up for you when you heard this scripture. Like I want, I want to know what's going through your mind. What came up for you when you heard that scripture? And baby, we're going to talk about it in the comments But bookmark this scripture, put it on a Post-it note, make sure you go back to it I like to tell y'all to read the verses before And after just to get a better Understanding, also go to different Versions in the Bible app Make sure you find a version that's best for You and just read, you know Just study, just begin to Consume yourself With the word of God because that's where you find Peace, like listen, if you've been on A hunt for peace, I'm giving you the number One place where you can find peace baby, open the word of God. All right. So we're going to go ahead and get into this episode. And for this episode, this episode is one that has been requested, not just by one specific person, but by a lot of homegirls. Okay. And it is talking about grief. So I do want to give this, it's not really a trigger warning, but I want to give this warning. We are going to be talking about grief and ways to navigate grief. And sometimes I know that talking about such things can be heavy for some people or it can be like, I don't want to deal with this right now. So I really want you to just take this episode as much as you can, as you see fit. If you need to pause it, come back, do all of the things, but I really want to talk about this and get in depth. So that's why I'm giving this warning because, you know, we're going to get a little bit in depth about grief and about navigating grief and just all things grief. So a few homegirls have been messaging and DMing and just emailing and asking about grief. They're like, listen, ever since you spoke out about losing your son, Noah, and if you don't know all of that, you know, that went on with me last year, I encourage you to go back to some episodes. You can start at the episode with Melody Elisa, featuring Melody Elisa. You can start there because that's the first time I had spoke out about losing my son, Noah. And then the episodes that follow that, like every now and then it'll be bits and pieces that I add throughout. Now, this is a process and grief is always a process when it comes to us grieving. The number one thing that I found, and this is universal because so many homegirls have been messaging, is that no one really talks about how to navigate grief after you lost the same thing that you've been praying for. So this very thing that you've been seeking God face for, Lord, I done been fasting and praying. Lord, I done been at your face for this thing for so very long. God, I trusted you. I had faith in you. God, I believe that you were going to do it. God, I was overjoyed when you did it. I gave you praise. I glorified your name. I honored you. But then God takes away that very thing that you prayed so hard for. I know for me, that has been the toughest thing, but I haven't found anybody to talk about the reality of how you feel when God takes away what you have been praying for. So a lot of times I see people talk about grief, but they never talk about that part of grief. They always talk about, oh, you know, I've been through this and but, you know, God, he did this. Well, what happens when you've been through that And you still in that I've been through that loss But I'm still navigating that loss Because it doesn't go away Here I am now, today, real time Y'all homegirls sitting here I'm almost eight months past when I lost my son Noah And I still deal with grief I was even telling my therapist I said, I feel like I've backtracked in the grief process because I'm going back to different stages of grief that I thought I had already conquered. But nobody tells you that you're going to be navigating this for a little minute. Like this is going to sit with you for a while. You know, you can have a smile on your face. You can still keep going because life keeps going, right? And I've been dealing with that as well. Like when I tell y'all, y'all favorite homegirl have just been dealing with all things about the grief process. I've been dealing with the fact that life goes on. I was telling my friend, I'm like, the hardest thing was that I had to keep on going. After I lost Noah, life didn't stop. Life didn't stop and wrap its arms around me to comfort me and to sit there and to carry me through. No, I had to find it within me to keep on going. So I had to find ways to navigate through that. And when I say navigate, that's literally what we do when we experience grief. If you are listening to this and you've experienced some form of grief and you are still going, you still waking up every day, getting out, doing things, you are navigating through what you are feeling. and there is no manual to tell you how to navigate this. There is no guide that's giving you step-by-step instructions on what to do. On this day, you're going to do this and feel like this. This day, you'll do this and feel like this. Like, there's none of that. We don't know. Like, it's like a day-by-day thing, one step at a time, day-by-day basis, that you have to navigate something that was so tragic. And so when you find yourself in those situations where you have to navigate grief after, you know, you feel like, well, God, you let me down. And sometimes like, I don't know what it is. We don't want to be real a lot of the time. So we try to make it like, oh, no, I never felt like God let me down, baby. When I lost that little boy, I felt like God let me down. Baby, let's talk about it for a minute I felt like God did not want what was best for me I felt like God just When I tell you, I felt like he turned his face away from me And I felt so alone I felt like God just didn care I felt all of the things And the reason I felt that is because God I prayed for this boy I prayed for this baby Like, we was, me and my husband was seeking your face. Lord, I was praying so hard for Noah. And then you sent Noah, but then you took Noah. And so now it's like, how do I bounce back and how do I navigate grief when God has taken away the very thing that I had been praying for? And I often think about the story of Job in the Bible. If you don't know the story of Job, I'll give you a quick synopsis. Job in the Bible, he lost everything. The Bible says that Job was one of the wealthiest men or the wealthiest man in his area. He had everything, anything you could imagine. Okay Anything that you want You have a bucket list of things today that you want Like I want the house I want the car I want all of these things Job had everything He didn't want for nothing Job didn't want for nothing He was a very They talked about how he was just a very honest man A man with integrity If Job said something Baby you could rest All right If Job said he was going to do something You ain't got to look for Job And see where Job was going to be at He was going to be where he said he was going to be at This is how the Bible talks about Job. Now, Job being a man of this nature, he still experienced losing everything. He lost all 10 of his kids. Job had 10 children. Baby, I lost one and my God rocked my world. So imagine losing 10, 10 of his children. He lost all of his possessions. Job lost everything, like all of his wealth, Just everything was taken away from him. And I often think about that story, especially when I think about how, you know, I feel like I had been in a Job season. And at some point in my grief, I felt like that. And so I think about Job and I'm like, even after Job lost everything, this man still said the Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. And so I'm like, Joe, we need to have a conversation because I didn't feel like that at first. Like, baby, I felt like, Lord, I can't believe you did me like this. And we just keep it in real home, girls. I felt like, Lord, I cannot believe you did me like this. But then I'm reading about Job and I'm reading about how he say, blessed be the name of the Lord. The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. And I'm like, I want to get to that place, but I cannot sit and act like as soon as I lost my son, I was already at that place. I cannot sit and act like I didn't and I don't go through a process of grief and I'm not navigating it. Like I wouldn't be honest. I wouldn't be real with who I am in my process and what this process is teaching me. because we're all going through a process for a reason. I do believe this is to make me stronger. I do believe this is for a purpose to, you know, instill in me some character and some things that I didn't have prior to even being blessed with Noah. So I feel that. But I also feel like realistically, and I feel we don't talk realistically a lot about grief and a lot about navigating grief and a lot, especially in the sense of, and I do want to, I'm trying to highlight this part in the sense of navigating grief after you lost what you have prayed for. Everything that you have been seeking God's face for, you lost that. And so now, honestly, sometimes it'll shake your faith, baby. And listen, trust me, your favorite homegirl knows it shakes your faith a little bit because you like, I have faith in this and God, you took this away. So now you are questioning, was my faith enough? Now you're questioning God, did my faith really like, did it meet the standards? Like, did it do what it was supposed to do? Do you believe that my faith was enough for you? Did I not have enough faith for you? I know you said, I only need the faith the size of a mustard seed, but God, you took away what I was praying for. You took away what I had faith for. You took away what I was trusting in you for. You took away what I was hoping for. So was my faith even enough? Was that mustard seed of faith enough? Maybe I needed a couple mustard seeds of faith, but God is like, no, you only needed that mustard seed of faith. That's all you needed. But now it's time for you to navigate through this hard situation in your life, not because I'm punishing you. And this is things that I feel like God has been comforting me with these words. So I'm going to share these words with you because during my grief process, I've been comforted with that because I felt all of the things. I felt like God didn't want what was good for me because if you did, you would have never taken my son. You knew my heart needed that little boy. God, you knew. If nobody knew God, you knew. You knew how much I needed him. You knew how much that blessed me. You knew the things that I was going through. You knew what I was dealing with. And then it's like, but you still sent me through this valley. Like you still sent me through this storm. You still put me in this fire. Like you still sent me through this hard time and you sent me through this process of having to now navigate grief in a way where I am like, my faith is being tried. My trust in you, God, is being tried. You know, I'm at a point in life to where it's like I got faith in you. I believe in you. I trust in you. But now I have to navigate. And it's almost like being on this journey of rebuilding something that you had before, you know, because like before I got pregnant with my son, Noah, I had so much faith in God. I'm like, God, I know you're going to do it. Like, I ain't even worried about it. And I just feel like now after losing Noah, I have to rebuild this faith, you know, so I have to navigate through this grief in a way to where I'm not just navigating through grief. I'm building faith as I go And so it's kind of like When I tell y'all It's so many components to grief It's so many things you go through Especially as a believer When you are a believer It's just so many components that come Because you're not only navigating grief But now you are trying to get back Into that space of Okay God you took away what I prayed for So now I know that I can believe in you I know that I can trust in you You've done so many things in my life before, like the good outweighs the bad with you. So I understand that. But now it's like I have to navigate. I got to navigate through this grief while also rebuilding my trust and my faith and my hope and my belief, like while also rebuilding all of that. And so it's very, it's definitely a process that is a different process. Like it's one that you really have to stay at the face of God to get through this process, to get through navigating grief after losing something that you pray for. You got to hold on to the hand of God. And a lot of times that won't be easy because as I stated multiple times in this episode, You feel like God But you took this away I pray and then you took it away But I would challenge you And I challenge not even you I challenge myself Each one of us to just be like Job Get like Job Get to the point where Job was And really be like that Don't just say it because it's like okay I read The story of Job And now I'm gonna say the Lord has given The Lord has taken away blessed be the name of the Lord But no really feel that in your heart Really get to a point in your heart where you like okay God I understand that you didn't do this just to like punish me or you didn do this because you don love me you didn do this because you don care for me you did this for a reason I don know that reason but I know that you love me God I know that you care for me And so Lord I need you to help me navigate this grief and also build my faith back up in you because I want to trust you. God, God, I want to believe in you. God, I know that you are who you say you are. God, I know I trust in that God I believe in that I don't doubt that but right now it's a little shaky my view is just a little bit obstructed because of what I've been through because of what I am going through because of what I am navigating grief is heavy on me right now and it's trying to put some blinders on me so God lift those blinders off of my eyes and help me to trust in you again as I navigate grief God help me to trust that you want what's good for me help me to believe that again. God, help restart, reignite that fire of belief. Reignite my faith, God. Lord, help me to know that a mustard seed of faith is enough for you. Help me to know that a mustard seed of faith is all that I need, is all that you require. God, help me to know these things. And you know, we have to get to that point. We got to get to that point with God where we like, God, I'm navigating this It's hard right now This grief is very, very hard God, I feel like you failed me God, I feel like you really let me down But God, I also, I want you to build me up I want you to hold my hand through this process And show me that you ain't forget about me That you didn't let me down But this is for a reason And although I don't know that reason yet God help me navigate this grief the best way I know how. And so if I can leave you with anything, encourage you with anything, I would just say that as you're navigating grief, especially like navigating grief after losing something you prayed for, it's really, it almost is like contrary to everything. And I chuckle a little bit because when I tell y'all this journey that I've been on, it's like, okay, you navigating grief and you're navigating the fact that Lord, you have taken something away that I pray for. But in the same breath, you like, Lord, I still trust you. And I still have faith in you. Like it kind of makes it seem like you crazy. And baby, listen, sometimes in this walk with Christ, baby, you, you going to be feeling like that. You're going to be feeling like, am I going crazy? Like, am I cool? Like, am I? Because sometimes you just, it just feels like you are doing things that don't even go together. My goodness. That's the best way I can explain it. You are doing things that don't go together or you are doing things that kind of like contradicts everything. Like in the moment, I'm navigating this grief and I feel all of these ways. I feel like you failed me. I feel like you don't want what's good for me. But God, I still trust you. Like, listen, just homegirl, just listen to this. But this is the process of it. This is how we build faith. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't know why it's like that, homegirl. I wish I could tell you, but I don't know. But this is definitely the process that you are going to go through. But this is also what a lot of people don't talk about because a lot of people just want it to seem like, oh, if you're navigating grief, then it's okay. You're going to automatically be trusting in God again. And you're going to automatically think, oh, God, I understand. No, baby, you're going to be like, God, I feel like you let me down. God, I feel like you just out to get me. God, I feel like you don't want what's best for me. You are going to have those feelings, those thoughts, those emotions. You're going to deal with that. But at the same time, if you are a believer and you really trust God, you really have a relationship with him. God has done things for you in the past. At the same time, you're going to be like, God, help me to trust you again I still trust you, you're the only hope I have to hold on to So I'm walking through this grief, but I'm trusting you God, I feel like you let me down, but I'm trusting you God, I feel like you don't want what's best for me But I still believe your word when you say that you want all things that are good for me God, I'm still believing in you, I'm still trusting in you This is the process of grief, baby This is the process we have to go through I don't know why it's like that, but homegirl, hold on, hold on to your faith, hold on to your hope, hold on to your belief in God throughout this process. It's not easy. OK, it is really not easy, but God is there to help you through. God is there to guide you through this moment. And sometimes things happen in our life to draw us closer to God. You know, sometimes God tries to get our attention in a lot of ways and he don't get it like he needs it. And so sometimes things will happen in our lives and is to draw us closer to him and to really focus our attention on him and to really be like, OK, God, like I'm in tune with you. Like, God, I get it now. Like I understand it now. And it may take you some time to get there. Okay, we're all on this journey of healing together. And, you know, some of us may have a lot more grief than others. And we may be navigating this grief journey. But it's all to get us to a point to where we like, okay, God, like, God, I'm trusting you through this. Like, I know how it looks. I know how I feel. But God, help me to trust you through this whole process. So that is all I have for this episode. Grief is something that homegirl, so many compartments to grief. I am still going through my grief process, but God has been good. I can honestly say he has been good. I don't understand everything. I still don't. I do not. I still grieve. I do. I'm still going through that process. But at the same time, I am building my faith in God and building a newfound faith in him so that it can help me to navigate this grieving process even more. And I would encourage you to do the same. So that is all I have for this episode. I pray that this episode was helpful to you. I pray that it was beneficial to you. So we're going to close this episode out with a girl just heal mantra. Y'all know how we're going to do. We're going to drop in, take a deep breath in and out. and that is just us releasing all of the cares of today yesterday this month this week last month last week anything that's come up to hinder us trigger us or try to knock us off our square and make us lose faith in God baby we release all of that okay and we are going to repeat the girl just held mantra together so the girl just held mantra is I accept myself for who I am I free myself from all fear and today I choose to heal I accept myself for who I am I free myself from all fear and today I choose to heal I accept myself for who I am I free myself from all fear and today I choose to heal so thank you so much homegirl for tuning in to this week's episode of the Girl Just Heal podcast I'm your favorite homegirl Nimoya Bazin and until we speak again girl just heal Thank you for listening to this episode of the Girl Just Healed podcast. Be sure to connect with us on social media at Girl Just Healed. And if you need an extra dose of support during your healing journey, join our private Facebook community where we can continue to heal, grow, and evolve together.