#737 - IAN BAGG + BRIAN HOLTMAN

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Red Band, everybody! How about one more time for the best damn band in all the fucking land, huh? Raúl Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrondes, Huevos Rancheros, Mio Amayo. We got Matt... Brazilian Matt. Fucking... Oh, it's Eli. Okay, Eli, everybody. That's right. Brazilian Eli. Uh, John Dees on the keys, and this here, believe it or not, D-mother fucking madness in the house. Oh, my God! How exciting is this? A brand new episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Blu-Chu, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. My God. Pure momentum. We're having the time of our lives, and tonight's episode will be no different. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week, and one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry sets, matching up people, just right. You're Rob Schneiders and Don L. Rawlings, if you will. You're Triple H's and carrot tops, if you will. This week, no different. Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. One, a master improviser famous for his unbelievable crowd work. The other, one of the true dark forces of all of stand-up comedy, an absolute man known for closing every show in the main room of the comedy store, and now the mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites, make some noise for Ian Bag and Brian Holtzman. Oh, my God. Ian Bag. Gangster. Kill Tony. Legend. Brian Holtzman. Oh, my goodness. What a fucking panel we have here tonight. Brian Holtzman is back, the Duke of Darkness. Hi, Brian. Hi, talking to say something into the microphone for the people. Hi, how's everybody doing, eh? Yeah, who? Shit kicking. We're gonna have fun with Brian, and the great Ian Bag is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hot off a weekend here. Hello, Tony. The second time on this show, we had so much fun last time. Very exciting. Very exciting. I'm pumped to have you back. Very exciting and terrified of Brian. It's a perfect fucking street match. It really is just too... I love Brian, but I'm terrified. Yeah, we all are. He keeps us on our toes. I've known Brian now for 18 and a half years. I've been looking up to him, and I consider him a mentor. And I've been looking down to you. These work a lot better, again, if you use that microphone, Brian. I promise. Again, he's 40... And I've been looking down at you. 45 years in the industry still doesn't realize that the microphone is a critical part of show business. Famous for doing jokes off the mic, crushing off the mic. I love these guys. We're gonna have so much fun. You guys know how it works. About 300 human souls signed up for this bucket. They are all crammed into a bar next door. Some of them some of the most talented upcoming comedians from all around the world. Some of them completely mentally ill people. Some of them have never even tried stand-up before. Some of them have done it every night for a decade and a half. Anything can happen. I'm gonna have this Puerto Rican outlaw pick the first name. Definitely a guy on the run from the police right now. Nowhere better to hide than the front row of a comedy show. We're gonna have fun. Well, we go wrangle that person. I'm gonna tell you what happens when they get up here. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. They hear from our esteemed panel. And we have a lot of fun. The entire thing has improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah! Yeah! A lot of our Golden Ticket winners and regulars are out on the road tonight. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, one of our great, great team members here that we've known forever. We found them in Dallas I think six, seven, eight years ago. He famously was a good high kicker. He once tried to kick a water bottle off Jeremiah's head. And kicked him in the head. A lot of fun stuff. Fun history with this kid. He works hard. He works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love him. Ladies and gentlemen, doing the first minute of the night. Make some noise for Colt McNeely everybody. Here comes Colt. Hey! Hey! What's up? Hey! Hey! What's up? How are you? Oh man. A little bit about me. I just got my own place. Thank you. I love this place. New apartment. My favorite thing about it is it doesn't come with a bitch who hates me. Fellas. Thanks for coming out guys. You know, I think things are a little too political now. Would you agree? Yeah. Yeah, right? I miss when Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt. You know what I'm saying? Antifa? I miss that lady. Thank you. Thanks for coming out guys. Oh man. You know, I love the gays. They're great, right? They're not doing too much. I've never been but I hear a lot of good things about gay bars. You know, I heard they pour heavier drinks than they do at straight bars. Have you heard this? Yeah. Right? I think it's because the bartenders are pouring the drinks like this. Thank you guys. Cool. What a great set. Thanks, Cody. Hi, Ryan. That was amazing. Hi, Ryan. Hello sir. You really came through. Thank you sir. Last time I saw you was behind the curtain about ten minutes ago and I told you you're opening up the show. Quote, don't suck. Yeah guys, no pressure, right? The look on his face did change when I said it by the way. It was like he was real excited and then when I said don't suck it kind of just like went like that. Like, kind of felt bad. I thought maybe being such a direct head coach wasn't a good idea but then you came out. No, it works. It works. It works. Pressure makes diamonds, I guess. You're goddamn right and that's what you are. Thank you guys for coming out. You're a little diamond. It was impressive. Yeah. How much stuff you could get in and work on. How much stuff you could get in in one minute. He went from the gays to being alone to being drunk. Oh man, there's a lot to talk about. Sucking two dicks at one time. Very impressive. Thank you sir. You're welcome. We love it. Yes. Holtzman. I was very impressed and I have a little comedy writing session in my place. You are welcome anytime. Hell yeah. It starts about twelve at night and it'll just be you and I. I'll bring my grippy socks. Oh. Hell yeah. Cole, tell us about you or tell these people. Oh man. We know that you work here with us. You're a big part of the team. You've been hustling all around. You've been part of the Salt Tony production crew forever. Yes sir. What else? Work at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, Brian Redband's Club. Yeah, make fucking noise. Yeah. I run sound over there. I do spots. I'm like a regular over there I guess. We have a show every Wednesday. Okay. Jesus. Cole. I mean. How about something else other than plugging gay bullshit? I don't know. I just got a sponsorship for a yo-yo club or a yo-yo team. I'm a professional yo-yoer now. Thank you. That's pretty fucking boring. Oh yeah. Wow. Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Right to the yo-yo. Yeah. Do you have a yo-yo on you? I do actually. Oh my God guys. Thank you guys for the job. I need some other fucking yo-yo music. What do we got? Yo-yo. We need yo-yo music. We got yo- everybody. We got yo-yo music. We got yo-yo music. Hey, whoa. Wow. Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows. Better numbers than SNL. And somehow, wow, what a flex. Oh my God, there must be so many knots. Unbelievable. Thank you for coming out for real. Thank you for coming out. Yes, they came out for that. Thank you guys. I'm a fan now. Bring that to the apartment and I'll try to insert it in your ass. Oh my God. Oh my God. Holy fuck out real slow. Okay. Oh my God, I had no idea this was about to break. Thank you. Thanks for coming in. Whoa. Alright, cold bars. Other than yo-yoing, you good at anything else? What else? Not really. Alright, perfect. Everybody's gonna get up this table. Yup, that is true. It's a lot of work guys. It's like a puzzle that comes apart. Some little behind the scenes for you. Yeah, for those of you die hard fans that ever wonder, I wonder how long it takes to put the table together. Alright, no idea what we're talking about. And hour and 18 minutes is the record. Hour and 18 minutes. Yeah, it's filled with LED lights. It's very strategic. There's little sound monitors. There's little video monitors that we don't use for the home shows, only for arenas. It's a whole thing. It's a big deal. I just heard the sound of 15,000 people turning off the show just then. Did you guys hear that? That was the most amazing, humble brag I've ever heard in my life. I've got a table that's got things in it. It was a long time. We had fucking, you should have seen some of the tables we've dealt with over the years, man. I bet. Oh my god. How many yo-yos have you gone through? Oh, too many to count. Man, and I got another question. Remember how you said you're not living with a bitch anymore? After seeing your yo-yo, was that your mom? Anyways, it was. She does hate me. I love it. Cole, you did it. A fantastic way to start the fucking show. Put on your headset and get back to the fucking, oh, what was that? You got a gift from Holtzman. What is it? I'm so over to wash my mouth out with it. Wow, you naughty boy. Fix the mic. You work here, remember? There you go. There he goes. He got a bar of soap. Brian Holtzman famously gives gifts to each, oh my god. Oh my god. The lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. New website, HeidiRegina.com. She's got sponsors and shit. She's fucking killing it. The real deal, a modern day Vanna White. One more time for Heidi, everybody. And so it has begun. And now we get to the down and dirty. Our first bucket pull of the night. This person, no matter who or what they are, had no idea that they were going to be on the biggest comedy show in the world 10 minutes ago. You saw this thug pull his name out of a bucket and now he will be performing live. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Holloway, everybody. Mike Holloway. There are a lot of people who are really upset about trans women getting into women's sports. I disagree. I myself am considering identifying as a little person and getting into midget wrestling. I'll call myself Andre the Average. Fuck up seven dwarves at once. Just like Disney. Speaking of Disney, I hear Disney is going to do a live action Cinderella. Yeah, it's going to star Elliot Page as Cinderella who wants to be a prince. And Dylan Mulvaney as the fairy godmother who waves a tampon like a wand and says, Figgity, Figgity, Foo. And poof, there's Prince Cinderella. Alright. Hell yeah, Mike Holloway. Heck yeah, welcome to the show. Mike, is this your first time on? No, second time. Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like a... Sid. Yeah, from the toy story. Actually, I think it was Mark Norman. Yeah, it's all I can see. Who was it, Mark Norman? Yeah, that makes sense. I see it. And how do you not talk about that coming back? You were here before he gave you a joke and you said, Fuck it, I'm going with the transgenders? Come on, man, put it together. Mike Holloway, how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, little over five years, like six years. Okay, we're out. Uh, started in Casey. Okay. Kansas City. Casey, how about JoJo? Did you ever start in JoJo? I don't know what that is. All your life? You prayed for someone like me? You see where I'm getting here? Okay. Mike Holloway, what do you do for work? Uh, I just got a new job at Tapville Social. At what? Tapville Social. It's a new restaurant and bar. Oh, okay. Up by the campus and the Moody Center. Okay, that's a good plug for them. What are the... What's good on their menu? What have they got good over there? Uh, Tower of Nachos. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging. Hey, they got great shit, too. They got, uh, they got a steak frites. That's very fancy. Steak frites? How big is this Tower of Nachos? Is it true? It's, uh... Not just our drum kit. It's about... It's about that high. That's a tower that Red Band wants to 9-11. You know what I'm saying? It was just, go head first right into it. Bring down... Bring down that tower. How's your yo-yo? Yeah. Terrible. You can't play yo-yo? No. I can go up and down, but that's about it. I love that it's play-yo-yo. Right now, Colt's like, Aw, man. We don't play yo-yo, you just yell-yo. Because I have no idea. It's been so many decades since I've seen one. I know. I was just like, Holy shit, very faucet's gonna be here tonight. You got nothing? You don't have a fucking slink here anything on you? No. You got UNO cards or anything? He looks like he came from a toy box and he has nothing. They took everything. What do you do for fun, Mike Holloway? I don't do much for fun anymore. Wow. Geez. Wow. Because I'm working and doing comedy, but I like to play disc golf. What else? I like to go fishing. I like to play video games, but I don't have my computer down here. My goodness, it's a real, real buncha. I like to do a lot of stuff. Was that it? Did you just list it all? And then you said a lot of stuff? Other stuff that didn't come to mind. Okay. Alright, what's your love life like exactly? Because you seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself. Yeah, as Holtzman is seeing what I see here, you seem like a guy that just jerks off when you first wake up and you have low-testosterone for the rest of the day and you just don't even worry about that type of shit, right? Pretty much. Okay, perfect. He's giving up. He's just like, whatever you guys say, I don't give a shit. Fuck you. I would be great on his third time. I want to invite you to the writing. What are you going to do with him? I mean, you already have Holtz and the yo-yo. I'm going to do the same thing I'm going to do with yo-yo boy. Alright, get up inside that thing. Oh, I like the way you plot your teeth in the middle. I love it. I really love it. I like the way that t-shirt hangs off your shoulders. Can I say I really just really want to just fuck you? I don't know if that's bad taste. I don't know, but... Check with Mark Marin. He said I could say that. He is. You got to check in with him nowadays. It's a real big deal. He's the police. He decides what everyone can talk about. I love it. Mike, give us something else crazy about your life. There's got to be something. I recently... I recently crashed a bird scooter and fucked up my knee. Whoa. So... Yeah. How did that happen? On the way to work, I just... I got... It was kind of a wobbly one. And I got... I was too cocky and it was going too fast in a narrow, bumpy area and... Yeah. ...boss control. Let me get this straight. You've got a credit card. Yeah. Mike, what size joke book did you get last time you were on this show? Big one. Well, there you go. Go fill it up, Mike. You started up tonight's show. There he goes. Mike, haul away, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. I could not be more excited to have this name in my hands. Ladies and gentlemen, how cool is this? This young lady started off on the show famous for making great horse noises. Such an unbelievable horse noise that we had her go to the HEB Center on New Year's Eve just to make one horse noise. That was it. And then she got pulled out of the bucket again here and informed me that... that... maybe a little bit lighter there, Michael. She informed me famously that her... that her parents were disappointed in her at the time for being on such an un-Christian-like show. And so, on the spot, I asked her how much she makes at the job that she didn't really like. She told me I matched it, and now, every day, Monday through Friday, she works directly with me. The odds of her getting pulled out of the bucket are unbelievable, and I couldn't be more excited to see a brand new minute from the great and powerful, the one and only, one of my favorite young comics and especially human beings. This is Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everybody. I look like a girl who regularly goes to the gym, but just to poop. I really respect Helen Keller as a woman in history. Have you guys heard of Helen Keller? Yeah. She's never heard of you. I have a strong belief that Helen Keller coined the phrase talk to the hand because her face ain't listening. But she probably sounded a little different as she said it. I'm really excited to potentially have a husband one day, and I'm excited about this possibility because I will get to greet that man every day for the rest of my life. You know, different couples, they have different greetings. Some like to hug, some like to kiss. I've been practicing the greeting I'll have with my husband. It'll look like this. Stop hitting us. Thank you guys so much. Sarah Sloan, everybody. Wow. How cool is this? Welcome back, Sarah Sloan. This is fun because I talk to you every day, all the time. And now we're talking like this. It's kind of weird. I literally said to you, I spend more time with you than anybody else. True. And I love it. Yeah. We have a lot of fun. Do you guys want us to leave? We are absolute polar opposites. She is a very, very, very, very good, well-behaved Christian girl. And I'm a naughty boy. And we give each other balance. We live vicariously slightly, I think, through each other. Sarah, tell these people something about you that we don't know. I mean, I don't even know. Yeah. I would say like, I would ask you a normal question, but like, I kind of know everything. Can I tell you a funny story like that you, yeah. Well, there was one time Tony was about to go out to the lake. And then he started just looking at me and he was like, I'm picturing you joining me and my friends going on the lake and wearing, you wearing a bikini. And he just started dying laughing. God. Wow. That is the weirdest time to make an HR complaint in front of all these people. Tony's an asshole. He says my pussy is hairy. We have a lot of fun. Sarah is the best. Brian Holtzman. I really appreciated your, your stage presence is wonderful. You have a beautiful little figure. And I especially liked your Helen Keller because I to this day can't understand why she's who she is. I mean, she couldn't do anything. She couldn't go anywhere. I mean, I mean, to have somebody that's that famous and well known for being that deficient. And they're all areas. I mean, what would you do with a Helen Keller if you, you know, nothing is maybe keep the door from shutting? No. But thank you so much. I really appreciate what you did. Thank you. Thank you. So awesome. The great Brian Holtzman. I just want to say night and day difference from the last time or two times you've been on like that was actually fucking awesome. Oh, thank you. That was the next thing I was getting to is one of my, I don't ever get to see you do stand up and the unbelievable growth since the last time. Work and beats, you're using your hands, great mic technique close to the mouth. Everything's good. Everything's like rock solid professional. Sarah, what else is going on? Anything else crazy in your personal fun life or whatever? I told you, I told you recently, like ever since I've gotten this job. Men have been very interested in me. Oh, hell yeah. It's so insane. I'm just like literally night and day difference. Now I still don't do anything about it. I'm too afraid. Yeah. I went on a date with this one guy and then he started just like at the end I was dreading it. I was like, oh no. And then he starts just hugging me and I was like, and then he like kisses me on the cheek and I was like, oh, and then he was like, what's wrong, baby? He was Mexican. So see they really don't respect boundaries. Yeah. At one point I literally held up my hand in front of my face and I said, don't kiss me, please. Do you think maybe you're a lesbian a little bit? I know I'm not. I just feel so bad just like kissing someone that may not be my husband. Take it, take it. Brian, take it. Pultsman, be nice. I don't care if you do it to the men. Don't do it to my sweet little Sarah Slum. She's a good Christian. She goes to church every week. Are you still Christian? Are you still Christian? Doing this devil's work? Literally, I'm probably more Christian now than before I started the job. Yeah, it's true. And a little fun fact, if you were to go back or if you're a fan of the show and you remember her getting the job live, which was a crazy thing, nothing but my gut instinct. I knew nothing really about you other than you could do a good horse noise at the time. And my God, how it's played out is unbelievable. And the parents that originally you said, didn't like it and it's a little bit too rugged of a show for you to be on and they're laughing at crazy stuff and everything. We ended up making, I made friends with the parents. They came and visited and fucking now I'm friends with their super cool awesome parents too. They love you so much. This is how the devil works. Nobody left it. Holy shit. It's happening right here. Like the ground is just starting to bubble and like and we got another one. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Sarah, unbelievable fucking set. I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything. I love seeing the growth. You're a little star. We love you. One more time for the great Sarah Sloan, maybe. Boom. Wow. Wait, wait, wait, Sarah, real quick. How could I forget one horse noise for these people? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Sarah Sloan. That was your best horse sound. This is Kill Coney. Woo hoo hoo. Woo hoo hoo. That's the sound of coal when you're pulling the yo-yo out of his ass. Woo hoo hoo. I love the way he looks like the horse. Ha ha ha ha ha. Get that bit out of my mouth. Woo hoo hoo. Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pull of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted going to J.J. Alexander, everybody. I just watched the new Superman movie and me and my friend were walking out. He's like, you know what, there's no way anyone would fall for that. Like just using glasses as a disguise. Like he just puts a pair of glasses on and everyone thinks he's a totally different person. No one's done enough to fall for that. I looked at my friend and I'm like, I know the glasses are a good disguise because I have to use my glasses as a disguise every single day. Like with my glasses on, you might be like, oh, this is like a kind of cute, nerdy guy. Glasses off. It looked like I ate crayons for the flavor. Glasses on. History teacher with autism. Glasses off. Matt Damon with Down syndrome. How do you like them apples? Glasses on. Kyan Chick-fil-A manager. My pleasure. How are you doing tonight, folks? What's going on? Glasses off. Arby's manager. J.J. Alexander has arrived to the Kill Tony Universe. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, dude. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Amazing. How long have you been to stand up? Five years. Where are you from? Colorado Springs, Colorado. And you're just visiting Austin? No, just moved here, man. When did you move here? April. April. Yeah, dude. Moved down before my buddies. We slept on two bunk beds side by side for two months. Fuck yeah. Just burned the boats to try to move to Austin, Texas, trying to do this show, man. That's how we do it. I get it. Yeah. That is awesome. I love it. How do you make money? What do you do for work? I work at Dutch Bros, the coffee shop. Hell yeah. I work when you air for your glasses on. Yeah. Glasses off. I'm giving out free coffees to everybody, dude. I was like, would you like chocolate milk, man? I love it. So yeah, I worked at 5 a.m. today. Wow. Yeah, dude. Amazing. Hell yeah, J.J. Ian, what do you... Not anymore if you can do with the impression of a horse. Oh, I got nothing, dawg. I'm just so changed. Sorry, you were doing so well there, and then fucking bam. Brian, what... to come over to do the joke writing contest at your house, does he have to wear the glasses or not the glasses? He can do whatever he wants. Oh, shit. We don't have to talk about anything at all. This is the scariest I've ever been in my life. This is nuts. Unbelievable, J.J. Tell us more about you. Yeah, man. I work at Dutch Bros. I play... No, I can solve a Rubik's Cube. You can? I can. You know what's crazy about that, ladies and gentlemen? No, please stop. I swear to God, you're not going to believe this. But just a few weeks ago, my amazing team here at Keltonian for me about a bunch of new things that we have backstage, a breathalyzer. We have all the old stuff, your famous scale, your measuring tape, and now added, ladies and gentlemen, and this is... They told me this, and I go, what the fuck am I ever going to do with that? That sounds boring as hell. But we have arrived at that moment as I present to you for the first time in Keltonian history, Heidi, bring out the Rubik's Cube. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Oh, he's just attacking it right away, ladies and gentlemen. Glasses on, he can solve the Rubik's Cube. Imagine it. When it is off, he eats the Rubik's Cube. What if he was just lying? He thought, no way they're going to have a Rubik's Cube, and he's just like, Johnny Big Gawk, I can do a Rubik's Cube. Oh, it broke so fast. Now, Tony, do you know the science behind it? It's like a math thing. Like, it's a two over, down over. Yeah, I don't really get it. I've never understood the Rubik's Cube. I have no desire to whatsoever. I let other people conquer the Rubik's Cube universe while I do my own thing. When I was a kid, I found out that you could like, actually take off each of the squares and pop them back on. There you go. Yeah. Oh, there is a timer, ladies and gentlemen. They've started a timer. He's at 45 seconds right now. This isn't quite going as good as I thought it would. It's no yo-yo. Yeah, turns out you're very mediocre at Rubik's Cube. It's very close though. It's very close. He's getting there. Uh-oh. That's cool. They used to also have the Rubik's Cube triangle and a lot of different things. The master of Rubik's Cube knowledge, Brian Redban. Our chief Rubik's Cube correspondent. I had no idea that you had such a wealth of knowledge. Oh, yeah. This was our video game's back as a kid in the 80s. That is true. Redban is 50 up. Oh, my gosh. 119. Wow. This goes absolutely wild. Wow. I was not expecting the crowd to be that into it. Let's go. Bless us all at Solved the Rubik's Cube. Let's go, baby. Amazing. I bet you can kiss your assistant. I'm in love with you. Oh, thanks, Brian. Wow. I'm in love with you, Sam. Wow. A lady yell, do it. Glasses off. That's impossible. I can't read without my glasses. What are you talking about? It's got nothing to do with reading. They want you to look like a special kid while you're doing it. J.J., tell us more about you. Oh, yeah. I'm a single guy. As you could... Duh. Oh, yeah. I'm just trying... I'm just Austin Texas looking for love, man. You have a lot of good material like you did... Yes, sir. Yeah. What's the longest set you think you could do? I've done 45 minutes. Okay. It was not great. Sure. I've got 30 rock solids. Right. Rock solid. Okay. And it seems like your life completely revolves around stand-up. You're doing a lot of stuff. A little bit. It's a grind, for sure. You're working hard at it? Yes, sir. Every day. I want to get better. That's all I can do. Holtzman's doing some type of... What exactly would you call that? Use a microphone, then. Hi, honey. I'm home. And it's been a hard day. Oh, my God. Oh. Holy shit. Are most of the girls at Dutch Bros. over 18? Yes, sir. Red Band. What the fuck is going on over there? Dude, Brian's just going to pull through my line. This is going to be terrifying, dude. Oh, yeah. This guy's going to come with an unsolved Rubik's Cube every day. Wow. What's wild about Dutch Bros. is we have a button on the iPad that's a bad day button. So if you come through and you look like you're crying, we give free coffees away. You're so overly nice there. Is there a protocol that you have to do? Like, oh, you have to, like, wink at them? Oh, no, no. It's just you just, like, try to treat everyone with kindness. It's like their whole thing. Like, it's like you start... You change lives one cup at a time. Dutch Bros. sponsor me. Let's go. I need to quit. Let's go. I think they might want to sponsor you, J.J. Alexander, because my friend, what I have right here in this red box is indeed a golden ticket. You just run here on Kill Coding. Congratulations, my friend. That's the real deal. We want to see more material from you. And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, if you want. Hey, hi. There you go. You'll do the Secret Show, Red Band. Hey, Tony. Thank you. How do you feel, J.J.? Are those real tears? You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony. Let's go. Austin Dutches, let's rock, baby! Let's go. J.J. Alexander, ladies and gentlemen. Congrats, buddy. Holdsman, let him go. Let him go. Holdsman. All that talk, he was like, all that talk, he worked at Dutch Bros. We're kind, we try to change people's lives. Guaranteed he's gonna be a complete dick tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Because he is just, he's not gonna be working there much longer. He's just like, you want a what? Fuck you. Suck my special needs cock, takes off the glasses. Throwes a Rubik's cube at a child, all that kind of shit. Exactly. His whole attitude may change. That's how egos are born. How does that feel for you? How does that feel for you just changing that kid's life? It's awesome, you know, when I see somebody that's up here smiling and when they seem completely funny and focused on stand-up when he said the bunk beds thing, you know, that means that this is his life. And that's exactly what he came here to do. Big move from Colorado. He's focused. And we need people. Everyone in fucking, everyone here is blowing up so fast. They're fucking SNL is poaching us now. They're fucking, these guys are getting offers to fucking be the next fucking late night this and everything that. We're building monsters and he could be, God only knows what can happen here. He could be on suicide watch in a few weeks too. It depends on if he goes to one of your writing sessions or not. We haven't fucking fun out there, huh? Let's keep it moving along. Anything can happen. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Fern, everybody. Fern, everyone. My cousin has Down syndrome. Don't feel bad for him though. He got laid so much he caught gonorrhea. So we called him slow clap. I like to treat pregnant women like dogs. Because I'm a rubber belly. Yes, I am. I got two cats. One cat's name is Abyss because if you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss will stare back into you. The other cat's name is Malschwitz. The ironic part is Malschwitz doesn't like showers either. I'll wrap it up there. Very funny, Fern. Welcome, welcome. Howdy. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand up? About four years. Four years and this is your first time on the show? A second. Okay. Where are you from? Harris, Texas, but I also moved from Denver. Okay. How long ago was your last time on the show? November of 23. It was my birthday. Alright, very cool. What do you do for work? I'm a downtown high rise window washer. Whoa, really? That's you up there? Yes, sir. Holy shit. You do the Frost Tower? I, no. You have different ones. Yes, sir. You do that every day? Five days a week, yes, sir. Holy shit. Tell us about that. We've never had anyone that does that on the show. Can you explain to us? It is a blast. Are you being sarcastic? No, it's legitimately fun. Hanging from ropes, swinging from left and right, you know. Scaring the shit out of cats. Yeah. So, you know... Yeah, honestly. Tell us more. Like, what's something that you've rolled, I would say up on, but I guess you're going down, right? You're rolling down, because it is kind of a crazy thing, right? You know, these condos or whatever downtown. All of a sudden, there's just somebody you don't ever fucking expect. There's somebody coming from fucking above. Yeah, I know. I scare people every day. So, like, what the fuck? It's a lot of fun. Right. What's one of the craziest things that you've seen rolling down on somebody's place? Nothing yet. Just a bunch of cats scared. My coworkers have seen wild shit, but I've only been doing it for four months. No kids in four months. No, sir. Unfortunately. You could see cats and tits if you roll by Red Band when he's naked. This condo. Have your homies told you something that they have seen? That's insane. A lot of naked women, yeah. Yeah, just pretty much. People are standard, high-rise, you know, they're chilling like Red Band. Right. Is your cousin really special needs? Yes, he does have Down syndrome. I don't know if he got ever the claps, I don't know. Really? So, he just made up a story about a slow guy getting a bunch of pussy? Yeah. In fact, my mom told me about Down syndrome after the fact. I was like, oh, shit, oh, well. After the fact of what? Me writing the joke. Oh, wow. You didn't know that he had Down syndrome? Talked to my family that much. You've never seen him? Like, you couldn't tell by looking at him? Like, the kid that... The neck, head, same size? I don't even know which cousin he is. Have you ever seen a special needs kid before? Yes, I have. They stand out, motherfucker. Holds to know what he's doing Wednesday at midnight. Is there a probational period in that occupation? I think it was like a 90-day probation, yeah. It's a good union, too, isn't it? That one's a non-union. You were in a non-union? Yes, sir. I was a union iron worker for five years, but I switched to high-rise window washing so I could get off the building, go to an open mic, and crush on Kiltoni again. Amazing. Unbelievable. And you did. Have you never been scared of heights your whole life? Like, do you have, like, tall parents that held you or something? I'm the guy who fell out of the two-story window when I was 15 months old. So, no, I haven't. I've always loved the views, and I've always taken a jump. How did that happen? I was the hottest shit in Texas. I'm originally from Paris, Texas, and we were in Nakadosius, apparently. The window was up, letting the breeze in, the screen was cracked. So when I got up on the couch, I looked over, and I just kept going into the abyss. It was a lot of fun, apparently. Well, you know my name. Yeah. Barry Erick clapped an ask without a doubt. Same joke you made last time. Yes, sir. Yeah, well, yeah, it's the same story. I mean, if you... Yeah. I mean, that's just common sense. So, Fern, what's the longest set you've ever done? 10 minutes, I think. Wow. All right. And four years in, only 10 minutes? Yeah, I don't get a lot of spots. Have you ever thought about running your own type of show or anything like that? When I was an iron worker, that was working 68 hours or 58 hours in Waco, so I was driving, waking up at 5 a.m., not even getting back till Austin until 7 p.m., and I was still trying to hit mics. So running a show is just trying to get comics and everything else. It's kind of hard. No. Yeah. That's true. Holtzman is... Kill yourself! Kill yourself! Right there. Rooster of excuses. Fern, Red Band, what do you think? You had a really great set. You remember? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I've seen some of the line-ups you put on on Thursdays. Well, I just, you know, it's pretty full, but I have an 8-minute spot open. Let's fucking go. Perfect. There you go. Fern. I mean, it was a great set. Maybe what's too distance. Maybe you forgot. Fern, just Fern. Why do you go by Fern? It's my last name. What's your first name? Jason. Why do you go just by Fern? How many Jason's have you met versus how many Ferns have you met? There's one right there. Yeah. My full name... Oh, Fernando. My full name's Jason Alexander Fern. You just had a Jason Alexander on. That is pretty crazy. And Jay Alexander was me and Red Band's favorite restaurant back in Columbus when we were in school. An unbelievable prime rib sandwich with extra spicy horseradish sauce on it. Have you heard of Jay Alexander's? I have not, sir. Well, now you know. All right. What size jokebook did you get last time you were on? Big jokebook. Well, there you go. Jay Jay Alexander, ladies and gentlemen. Fern. I'm sorry, Fern. Thank you. Let's get around. One more time for Fern, everybody. All right. How exciting. We go on and on. Look at Heidi just hustling, picking up the yoyo and the Rubik's Cube replacing the old golden ticket with perhaps a new one. I've never given out two in an episode, but anything can happen. And now, I present to you one of the longest names I've ever read in the show's history. This is Stephen Forrest Gump Posseer. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Forrest Gump was bullied so much and so long, he ran so far so fast that the bullets could not keep up with Forrest Gump. Forrest, when are you going to stop running, Forrest? When, Forrest, when? That night in Jenny's dormitory. I'm sorry. That night in Jenny's dormitory. I fucked the shit out of Jenny. I was like, say my name, say my name. She's like, yo, Forrest Gump. People call you Forrest Gump, Gump. Gumpity Gump, Gump. Oh, yeah. You may not know it, but I fuck like the wind blows. Yeah! Forrest Gump used to walk for the bile of the battery police department. And they said, gunfoss gone, I took off running. I got fired. Anyways, life is like a box of cat shit made up to look like chocolates. With a couple of chocolates mixed in. I hate cat shit. I guess I'm done. All right. Stephen Forrest Gump. Post-Sierra, am I saying that correctly or is it Dosea? Dosher. Dosher. Dosher. Fuck yeah. So Stephen, your real name is Stephen Gump Dosher? No, I was trying to put Forrest Gump in there. Stephen Forrest Gump Dosher. Because I know you have an affinity for Forrest Gump. And I wanted you to pull me today. Everyone has an affinity for Forrest Gump. So Stephen, let me ask you, how long you been doing stand up? Last time I did stand up was 1986. Wow. For you millennials out there, for years. For all of you that can do the math. X and A on the math day. It's literally 39 years. Yes, that's right Tony. That's absolutely correct. I like your style. I think you're funnier when you're not doing the wacky Forrest impression. I can just tell. Yeah, I had a regular minute for you and I've got some stuff I really like. You know what I want to do right now, Ian, is there something you want to say? Something you didn't bring? Yeah. Here's your chance to shine. Maybe I'll use that later. I got a lot of... He takes a lot of breaks. The Forrest thing was adorable and it was sweet. But you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to... Your real name's Stephen Dozier. Yeah. I'm just going to reset it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Stephen Dozier, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Stephen. Restart the clock. So I've got Selective Tourette Syndrome which basically means I'm just another fucking asshole. But, speaking of fucking assholes, I was getting a colonoscopy the other day. And as I was going under the anesthesia, that's the gas that can kill you, not that hot Russian chick, which frankly, I would have preferred. Anyways, I told the crew in there, I said, hey, if you could interview my asshole right now. And one of the guys goes, hey, I've got a microphone. Great. My asshole was getting ready to say something to me. I said, hey, I'm going to call you and I said, hey, I'm going to call you. Great. My asshole was getting ready to say something important, profound, probably poetic. And this guy is going to be a fucking comedian. Thanks a lot, Tony. Thanks a lot. Anyways, if you could interview my asshole right now, this is probably what my asshole would say. See. Okay. I'm just another fucking asshole. But the truth is, is hardcore hopes, dreams, and feelings like the rest of you. So let's get this shit over with. All right, Stephen Dozier. So let's talk about your actual life, Stephen. I have 437 questions going on in my head. What made you want to restart stand-up here tonight? Well, I retired, Tony. What did you retire from? I was a financial advisor. Oh, hell yeah. Making too much fucking money. I love it. So I decided to quit. Are you serious? Yeah, they paid me to quit. They paid me to quit, but it's a great job. I loved them. So I retired. But yeah, I was thinking about doing comedy and then I started watching Kill Tony. And then I started writing comedy. It's all your fault. I mean, I have literally got 2 full books of stuff. I'm going up there harassing all the other people up there telling them my bits just to see if they like it. I wrote a bit this morning. You what? I wrote a bit this morning. I'm laughing my ass off in the garage. My cats think I'm nuts. How many cats do you have? I've got 2 cats in the garage. I'm glad you brought that up. I've got 2 cats in the garage and they are amazing. They are trained. I'll tell you strippers, but strippers are harder to... Anyways. But no, 2 cats, I trained them. It was all accident. Hold on, come on, Brian. I don't want to hear about fucking cats. You're always talking about pussy. What do you mean? I thought you talked to Mark Maron about this. Wouldn't he tell you that that should be one of the main things that you talk about in all of your act? You remind me of the guy on the show that needs extra help getting on. I'm about to fucking die. Look at you. You're a nightmare. Look at this. And you're a thief, a financial advisor. You're a thief. You're a fucking thief. Let me manage your money and take... How much percent do you take? How much fucking percent do you take? How did you get rich? And other people's fucking money. I'm sorry, Tony. I'm sorry, Tony. I'm fucking money. I'm sorry, Tony. Oh, let me manage your money. I can manage my own fucking money. Look, don't sugarcoat this, okay? Look at this. This is the world's wackiest nursing home over here. I expect it. I expect it from him. I expect it from him. It's okay. Same thing as the realtor. This is the bedroom. This is the backyard. That'll be fucking $10,000. I know where the backyard is. I know where a bathroom is. Sell it yourself. Sell your fucking house yourself. Sell it yourself. Sell your fucking house yourself. Steven, were you ever married or anything? Oh, yeah, I was married for about nine years. I lost my wife about 15 years ago. Where'd you lose her at? She passed away. Oh, okay. Party time. How long ago was that? 15 years. 15 years ago. Okay, that must have been hard, huh? Probably took her life. Okay, hold on. You guys are going to be arguing later when you're playing gin rummy with each other or whatever the hell. When you guys are playing chess at the park against each other. Your goss just went up. I love it. How did she die, Steven? Uh... She committed a s***. She really did? Oh, my God. It's okay. Sorry to hear that. It's okay. It happens, you know, things happen. Oh, my God. That must have been so hard. Brian's stop. It's Steven's I've been fine. We're having fun here. That's okay. That's okay. You know, life has been good since then. Yeah. Exactly. That's been helpful. Hell, yeah. That's it. That's all it takes. Comedy has helped. That's right. Absolutely. A lot. A whole lot. A whole f***, f***, f***, f***, f*** a lot. Where do you live now, Steven? I'm in Conroe, Willis area. Here. North Houston. Okay, perfect. I know I'm not the... No, it looks like I come from Houston. Mm-hmm. What? I missed that one. How old are you, Steven? I'll be 64 in May. Wow. That's it? Yeah, look good. I haven't been out in the sun a lot. I haven't been out in the sun a lot. Okay. You're just saying you look a little bit older than you are. Thank you. Maybe it's the cane or something like that. Thank you. I older. You know, I thought you were going to come and give me some slag, give me some youngerness here. It's like I'm 35 years old, Tony. You don't like it when people lie. Holtzman, how old are you? I'm 35. I'm 35. I'm 35. Maybe I should have said 35. No, you're good, Steven. What else other than training your cats and goofing around? So, you know, I had my book with me and I had 15 top, 15 things to tell you. Oh, man. I built a clock. I built a marble clock. It took me six years. I just built it. Pfft. His wife probably... No, Holtzman. Stop. He makes... Talking about cats and all sorts of, you know... Dark jokes, Steven. I know. I love this guy. I love it. I love it. You're in the eye of the storm right now. We're good. We're good. How do you make a marble clock? You like chip away at it? No, I just... I just know. I cut it up with the saw, of course, but I started it. It's like a big chess piece. And then I'm like, you know, I've come this far and I was like, a little further. And then I built the little hobbit thing underneath it that encloses it. The panel is literally just gasping and fucking... I've never met an Amish person before. I've never met an Amish person before. I do like the cut. I've made my own clock. It is. It is very Amish. What the fuck? Your facial hair and your hobbit. Yo, yo, you're a group of human. Excuse me, Holtzman. It is unbelievable. We have an eclectic group here. I'm not mad at you. I'm going to check in with our chief correspondent. Nobody wants to hear old people talk. Next, you're going to tell us they took a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck. Oh. Wow. That's a fucking bumper sticker. Take a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck. BrianHoltzman.com This is a show every Thursday at 10 p.m. here in the Fat Man. Holtzman and friends. It's unbelievable. IanBag.com. He's on tour. You're as sweet as I said you were. One more question for you. I know this interview is going too long. But I just find you to be intriguing as hell. You know, you're 60 something. You look 80 something. You lived a whole life. I find it all so intriguing. You ever have kids? No, no kids. No kids. We were going to have kids. What's your secret to not having kids? Holtzman. I pull out. I pull out. I pull out. I pull out very quickly. You pull out. Very good. I love it. Give me one more crazy fun fact about your life. Oh, yeah. Here we go. I already told you the top two things. There's a third thing. Uh-oh. Wait, what is it, Stephen? Well, I'm just... What are you doing? I'm just... I'm just... I do a couple of buttons. Whoa. You play the drums, Stephen? You really do? You play the drums? Really? Are you serious? Should we have a Mexican drum off here? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's been a long time. Oh! Oh! That goes backwards. Michael Gonzalez. It's kind of tough to get back there, Stephen. It's a tight squeeze, but... There you go. Come on in there, Stephen. The first-ever Mexican drum off where a guy has to lean his cane up against the wall. This is Kill Tony history right now. Now, some of you might be new to the show. I see some tables of ladies out here and girlfriends that look like they've been kidnapped and dragged here. So if you don't know, a Mexican drum off is legendary on this show. It is when somebody that pulled out of the bucket knows how to play the drums gets to do a drum solo here live, completely improvised, on the spot. They had no idea what the drum set would wait, Stephen. Relax. Stephen, relax. You're like one of your fucking cats in the garage right now. Chill out over there. So here's how it works. He does a drum solo, and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo. The crowd decides who their favorite was. If Stephen wins, and it's never happened before, the resident drummer on this show, I think is about all time 67-0 against the bucket-pulled drummer. But if he happens to win, he will become the brand-new resident drummer on Kill Tony. Michael Gonzalez will have to... They have to switch lives, and Michael will be locked in a garage with cats running through hoops. And Stephen will be here every Monday while Michael cat sits for him. You don't know if cats... What? Right, I agree. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum off, and this is Stephen Dozier! MUSIC Wow! Wow, Stephen Dozier! MUSIC Uh... I don't know if you guys know anything about percussion, or I'm sure you don't have an angle at it, but this motherfucker was just working the double bass pedals back here. The musicians got very excited. I happen to notice it as well. Stephen's putting up quite the fucking fight here. He might actually be 25, just dressed up with prosthetics. Fucking brought out the cane, trying to play dumb over here. Someone's playing possum. He's trying to get a full-time job on this show. The bad news is Stephen, stay there. Stephen, stay there for right now while Michael plays so that the camera can get him. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undefeated resident drummer. This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez! MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC Jesus fucking Christ! Holy shit! A true battle of the Titans, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well, this is the part where you decide how many of you have Stephen Dozier winning that competition? CHEERING Oh, shit. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? CHEERING Yeah, no doubt about it. They'll still argue online, I'm sure. But 100% you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Stephen? He's warmed up. Oh, shit! This motherfucker! Oh, my God! I like your style, Stephen. I love people of all different shapes and sizes. Coming in here and fucking playing around. Ian? Can I suggest for your stand-up that maybe it's behind a drum kit? It's been that way before. You should do it that way. I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther. Yes, you are. How often do you come down here? How many times have you signed up, Stephen? This is my first time. First time ever signing up? I came down today. That was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today. You were there at noon? Look at you, you badass, motherfucker. My brother is... He built a nice house up in Georgetown, and I called him this yesterday. I said, hey, I'm coming up to go and kill Tony. I'm gonna come by and see you, and he's like, you're not, because I'm in Alaska. Okay. I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon. Well, there you go. Well, look at that. All that energy and manifesting, it got you here. It's all your fault. I've literally written two books of material because of you. I love it. I love it. I started watching Kill Tony. I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired. Yeah. But I started watching Kill Tony like in March, and then I started writing in May, and I've literally written two books. I wrote something this morning I like a lot. Okay, let's hear what you wrote this morning. Well, you know how women have that little ring in their nose. Well, back in my day, we would do that with the hogs on the farm. We'd put the ring in the nose on the hogs, and we wouldn't root out under the fence. I guess a couple of these bitches got out. Hey, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Steven, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back in a few weeks or something and play drums on the pre-show? Play a song or two with the boys over here. I want you to know I almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about it. Don't come up here unprepared. You almost brought a whole fucking drum kit. I've got three drum kits. I've got one I'm trying to give away. Wow, look at this guy. I've got to stop buying stuff. Sounds like the wife was insured. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. These dead wife jokes are coming in hot, Steven. I love that you're laughing at him. You have a great fucking sense of humor. You're a hell of a fucking sport. Steven, here's the big joke book, buddy. I know you got your hands full. You ready for it? Oh, damn it, son of a bitch. One more time. How loud can this place get for Steven Docher, everybody? You fucking did it, buddy. Have a great night. There he goes. How exciting. Long interview. Long one. You deserve it, Steven. There he goes. All right. We're going to keep it. You guys still having fun out there? I thought so. Your next bucket poll, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone. It's Tommy Tickles. Uh-oh. We know Tommy's back. Uh... Thanks to everyone for Tommy Tickles, everybody. You're my guest that I'm an amateur. I'm a big fan of Tommy Tickles. I'm a big fan of Tommy Tickles. I'm a big fan of Tommy Tickles. You all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist. I'm a... I'm an amateur because nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats. Especially not my dickhead neighbors. I'm not a very good negotiator. When I first met the future Mrs. Tickles, I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning. I like to have sex before I go to bed at night. And on the weekends, I like to have sex three or four times a day. And she was like, how about a blowjob on your birthday? I'm like, okay. 14 blowjobs later, and I'm still married. Yeah. Yeah. I always pay my bills, maybe not on time. I've never re-nicked on a bet. I've never been on a bet. I've never been on a bet. I've never re-nicked on a bet. I didn't give a fuck for a black guy twice. Down at the dog track. I always pay my debts. I'm not a re-nigger. If anybody would have called me a re-nigger, I would be pissed. What the fuck did you just say? He said, he said... Hold on. Jill, we're gonna go... Oh, whoa, yeah, what the fuck? No! No! No! No! The little things. Carlos so saw that sax with a... Bum, ba-nam, bum. God has the funniest timing in the world. Deep Madness coming back from a pee break after an old white man says the N word a couple times. What did you say? If you don't pay your bets, then you re-nig on your bets. Right. And I'd always pay my bets. If anybody were to... All right, don't repeat it again. I get it. It actually checks out. Technically, that makes sense. That's a loophole, if I better say that. I'm a country man to find a loophole. Even if... Even if you call me a re-nig out. They're calling it, John Dees. I wouldn't know what you meant. I know I would know what you meant. I'd be pissed. The blacks have ruled it a-a-allowed. After review of the play, the call on the field has been overturned. Tommy Tickles is safe. Pay my bills. Wow. My goodness. I should have... I should have wacky ways to get racial slurs out there, too, instead of just doing them straight up. I used to think it was a racial slur, but somebody told me, that's not how you spell it. My God. How many times did he write it down before he found out? Yeah, what tombstone did you chisel it on? Here lies... Let's check in with our senior racial slur correspondent, Brian Holtzman. I didn't hear anything deogatory about anything. Tommy Tickles, look at you. What a character. It is adorable old man night here at the comedy mothership. Back to back, the world's wackiest fucking nursing home. I don't know if you guys remember the movie, Cocoon, but this is what's happening here tonight. Yeah, I know. That's a reference you would make. Tommy, how old are you? I'm 51. 51 is the same. 50. Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old? Alright, alright. You look fantastic, bud. Don't let them put you down. Why do you look so old? How many of your wives have killed themselves? All of them. I've been married 14 years. Happily married. Amazing. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom, Tommy Tickles? Alright, I got a few... Okay, wow. He was ready. You've got your cookie, which is easy. If you're going to prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever. And don't have anything funny on TV. Hell yeah. You know, you're not going to be catching your dogs or outside or whatever. But I have a position for you. Like, when you're going down on a lady. Yeah, guys, give me some good going down on a lady horn music. Here we go. Keep going. Tommy, make sure you talk right into the tip of the tongue. And you normally have the butt cheeks in this hand. You switch this hand over to the other butt cheek. So that you can play around right here. That's one of my little secrets. You can call it the Tommy Tickle. Holtzman's writing it down. Hand switch to the other butt cheek. Just like that. You got the butt cheek right there and then you got this right here. It's the crossover. Cross over? Wow. Tommy Tickles. Take that home. The Cunnelingus crossover, written by Tommy Tickles. And I like to keep things nice. And so we started using organic lubricant. And my favorite, if you want to know. Uh-huh. Yeah, we do. All of the oil? That's what I was going to say. Hi, honey, I'm home. Holtzman's never used lube on anything in his life. This is a dry, this guy goes dry jerky, dry rub. Sandpaper. What's your favorite kind of lube, Tommy Tickles? Tommy Tickles 2025 on Instagram. And I'll show you what my favorite, I'll show you the project. It's called Vee Woo Coconut Oil. And it's distributed right here in Austin. Wow. Holy sh... There's a guy back there that just loves a locally made product. No matter what, someone just lost their mind back there. He's already sponsored? I think so. Tommy Tickles Coconut Oil. I go with the other hand. That's where it's at. Yeah. Sometimes I go this way, sometimes I go that way. You got to try. Mmm, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. You're going to need some help. Tommy Tickles, you've been on this show before. You got a big joke book before? That's correct. There you go. Then you already got it. There he goes. Tommy Tickles on to the next one we go. On to the next one. On to the next one. It's the great Jay-Z. The one said the words. On to the next one. And so we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull is Germaya Bishop. Germaya. Oh, the Kiltoni debut of Germaya Bishop, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? So I just celebrated four months of sobriety. The proper response is to bow, I'm better than you. No, but I had to get sober. I love cocaine way too much. Can we just at least agree cocaine is the gayest drug you can do? Because how's it going to start? Me and you, sir, we're going to get a bag. We go to the bathroom. We pray nobody finds us. How does it end? It's six o'clock in the morning. We're going to talk about our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our aspirations. How we would love to open a beautiful little breakfast nook in Wisconsin. We might as well just suck each other's cocks at that point. It would be way less gay. All right, 46 seconds of thunder from Germaya Bishop. Hell yeah, Germaya. That was the weirdest AA opening I've ever opened. Hi, my name's is. I like to suck cock and open breakfasts. Germaya, let the games begin, my friend. How old are you? 34. 34, wow. Just take note, he's only about 14 years younger than the last two guys that were out there. It's unbelievable. Okay, how long you been sober? Uh, off cocaine for four months. Okay, how did you do it? How did you go no cocaine? Uh, trying to quit hanging out on Sixth Street drinking so much, honestly. All right, and that's what did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a power. How low did it get? How bad was it at one point? Before I moved out here, I was like homeless. I used to... Where were you at then? Florida. Oh yeah, what part of Florida? Polk County, baby. Okay, there it is. Represent. Wow. This is what they look like there. Gross Malone. Smelly Roll. I like jelly rolling the pipe. All right. Uh, Germaya, what do you do for work? Uh, exactly are you a bar back? I do pick up shifts at Shakespeare's. Boom. But I work in customer relations for a telecommunications company. Okay, so you are on the phone headset? Absolutely. Okay, how long you been doing that for? Uh, about four years. All right, very good. And these face tattoos, when did you start doing that exactly? Uh, I got my first one at 19. Which one was that? Uh, it'd be the anchor. What made you get an anchor on your face at 19? Mike Ness from Social Distortion is pretty cool. Okay. Do you play music or something? Fuck, no, this is all I can do. And you just decided, I'm going to start. What's the red ink under the left eye? Uh, broken with a broken heart for the O. Wow. And what made you get that one? Exactly, what did you do the night before you decided to get that one? What do you have to do to your dopamine serotonin receptors exactly? Where you go, ah, you know what? I'm just going to permanently just let everyone fucking know. Cocaine. Right. Yeah. Unbelievable. Yeah, go ahead. I still got jewelry though. I don't know how bad the cocaine has was. I don't know how real the jewelry is. The tattoos are real. That jewelry is straight up fucking quarter grab machine shit, right? Oh, no, this is legitimate, but I didn't buy it. It was passed down to me. Okay. That's the first shit you sell when you're doing cocaine. Yeah. I hated grandma. Let's fucking burn this shit. I thought it was fake for sure. I didn't even think those were tattoos. I just thought it was the jewelry bleeding green shit all over his body. What do you do for fun? Now that you're not getting wasted and having late nights. I mean hiking, camping, pretty much anything outdoors. Wow. All right. In four months, I'm outdoorsy now. Well, I used to be homeless, so you know, it's just nice to relive in the past. Tell us about your life as a homeless person. Tell us about your tricks to survival or some crazy lows or some things that you saw or had to do. Well, I always did the hobo sexual thing, you know. Nope, we don't know. What does that mean? It's where you sleep with somebody for a place to stay. Okay, tell us about that. Well, see, I always fucked up because I would never get like a girl that had her own stuff going on. It was always some gal that had a couple of sugar daddies. I called it trickle down economics. Not real. Doesn't sound real. No, it doesn't real. I think this kid lives in a rich house with rich parents. Did you have rich parents? I do get a rich parents vibe from you. Like you were the renegade, you wanted to, no, fuck you, mom and dad, I want to show you. And then they're like, well, you're not. No, no, my parents were okay. Not super well off. I mean, we only had three bathrooms. Yeah. Did they have three bathrooms? No, no, no. Two bathrooms? Yeah. Outdoor shower? No. Brian Holtzman. I, quite frankly, I have, I have nothing to say to you. I am completely uncomfortable just being on the same stage with this, with this it. I mean, the tattoos are okay, but I mean, the metal products, I mean, why don't you go in the back and blow the guy who was playing the drums? I mean, this is, this is, this is, this is fucked up. I'm trying to have a Helen Keller lookalike up here. So for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps he does have the big gauge earrings and you have a piercing. What do you call that part of the human body? That'd be your philtrum. Your philtrum. Yes. All right. And what made you decide to get that pierced just above the upper lip? Social distortion. Fucking catch a little bit of the cocaine, you know. All right, but seriously, I don't know. Just thought it looked good. Okay. You have other crazy shit pierced or tattooed? You might love this one, Tony. It's your dick. I have my dick tattooed with Shawn Michaels logo. Wow. That is incredible. Frank Salbert or? No, just tattooed. It's a tattoo. I know me too. Like the hearts one? Yeah, broken hearts is HBK above it. It says HBK. Now, did you think that you'd find your dream girl or something? There's a guy that really wants to see it out there. I'd imagine if. It's online. Where online? Where can people find this at? You can find me on Twitter. Show us that hug. Show us that hug. Show us that hug. No. No. Kino. Go back to normal lighting, Kino. Yeah, you can find it on Twitter. Daddy Dick Wolf on Twitter. It's out there. Daddy Dick Wolf, everybody. For those of you, for that guy, for those of you that are interested in seeing it, you can find it there. Here's a, uh, a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of�������������������� What are you doing? What's wrong with you? I gotta make money somehow, Tony. You make money from jerking off? Yeah, yeah. I like him now! Oh! Jesus Christ Almighty. Oh, my God. How could you not mention this on a fucking interview? It's been eight minutes, and now you find out that you stroke a cock for a living. Telecommunications. What the heck's that? Yeah, fucking right, you creep. What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually for money? For money? I mean, like this way. I know when you were homeless, you probably butt-fucked a fucking trucker or something. No, for money, just shot content. Nothing crazy. The question would be, when you say shot content, what's the most shocking thing you've ever done? You told us your Twitter handle, and you were going to see your dick, maybe. And it turns out you're doing everything. We just saw you pissing, stroking it, double-stroke two-hand, up and down, the old toilet-plunge fucking motion. And how do you not talk about that during your fucking sex? That's what I'm saying, it's incredible. Oh, I used to do cocaine. No fuck, you couldn't watch me jack off, put me in a jet-pack, and I'll stage. That's what you should be talking about. I don't have anything that's a minute about that. I got a couple of sets. 12 minutes of it. My friend, since she did 46 seconds and it was okay, here's a little joke. Oh, now, right off his dick, into the front row. Okay, yeah. That book just caught chlamydia. There he goes, Germaya Bishop, everybody. Holy cow. Holy cow, is right. It's crazy. Ryan, you ever do that kind of shit?�������� This is definitely, I'm pretty sure, a new name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hell's Bells, everybody. Hell's Bells. Hello, hello. So just a little bit about me. I'm a quirky person and have a very big habit of making an awkward situation. Much more awkward. For example, I'm a quirky person. I went to school with this guy named Alex. Alex came back from summer break as Alexa. So a bunch of us decided we were going to take Alexa out for lunch and celebrate this new transition. Well, our heterosexual young man server was really having a hard time with this. Alexa bless her heart. Well, I'm going to go ahead and say hello to you. Alexa was really trying to make the situation a little bit more lighthearted. She leans in to the table for the rest of us and says in her high pitched voice, you know, I'd really like to just ask him, can I have a cup of water please? The rest of the table just laughed tails off. What do I say? You don't have the balls. Leave it to me. Awkward situation. Hell's bells everybody. Hell's bells. Welcome, Hell's bells. Did you see the cock on the last guy? I heard. Hell's bells. How long have you been doing stand up? Right now. This is your first time. Yes, sir. There you go. That makes sense. There you go. That makes sense. So, how old, can I ask you how old you are? Hell's bells. 51. 51. Okay, very good. Actually one of the youngest people on the show tonight. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? What made you want to start stand up here tonight? Well, I'm dating a young man. How young? He is 10 years younger than me. Ooh, look at you. Yes. Does he have face tattoos? He is a big fan of your show. And so I've started watching your show and I, you know, became a fan. Okay, where'd you meet this young buck at? A soccer game. What kind of soccer game? A San Antonio soccer game. Oh, he's Latino? He is Latino. He is Latino. Found yourself a little bucket. But you wouldn't know it. He looks like a redhead like me. Sure, yeah, I bet we would never know he's Latino. Yeah, there's no way. The world's greatest ice agent would walk right by him. Yeah, totally. Totally hell's bells. So, you have money. How do you have money? I know you have money because you're dating a 41-year-old Latino boy that's fucking the shit out of you. For exactly that reason. So how did you come across this newfound wealth? Wow. I'm a nurse. I work for my money. I don't actually have money. I work my tail end off. Okay, well, it looks like you still have a lot of tail there. I think you've worked it off just yet. What kind of nurse are you? I'm a registered nurse. Okay, hell yeah. I love it. Is that because of the younger guys? Like a sex offender registered nurse? Yeah, she has to go to Kinsigneras and introduce herself to the... She's not supposed to be that close to the Sogrophy. So, tell us more about your life. What else has been going on? Well, an interesting thing is we came from the same part of Ohio. Oh, what part are you from? Newton Falls. Okay, yeah. Graceville, actually. For all fours, Newton Falls. So, Niles, all that. I know it all very well. How long were you... Where do you live now? Fredericksburg. Okay, all right. And what type of life are you living out there? What do you... What does that look like? You live by yourself? Yes, with my son. He's 20. I work from home. I do a lot of community things. You're an at-home registered nurse. I paid my dues, trust me. I work the shifts. I've done all that stuff. I now am an advocate and I have 28 patients. Wow, amazing. Incredible. Okay. What did they come to your house? What are you talking about? I call them... It's all telemedicine. What is it? Telemedicine. So, you're lazy. You want to work from home. Hence the big ass. No, I'm very impressed with your figure. I like women that are just natural. Fuck working out. Fuck exercising. Fuck saying no to an extra piece of cake, perhaps. Oh, my God. Never missed a meal in her whole fucking life. Okay. Are you going to finish that piece of steak? All right, all right, all right. You need a nurse. I mean, come on. Okay. Do you use, like, a filter when you're talking to your patients? Do you use, like, a catfish, like, filter so that they... They're getting... I can't tell if you're laughing or crying. I really hope you're laughing right now. I am definitely laughing. Perfect. Great. Awesome. I got to be honest with you. It's the first time doing stand-up and she decides to do it here. Yeah. That's fucking amazing. It really is. That's stupid. It really is. You're out of control. You don't plan things well. Yeah. We actually hate that. And I'm not crying. Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all. Well, Hell's Bells, congratulations. You got your start. Here's a little joke book. You're going to catch it? It's coming at you. I'm going to get it right in that hand. You panicked, Hell's Bells. That's why she likes soccer, Blair. Yeah, exactly. At least I didn't panic earlier. I should have kicked it to you. And I want to say thank you for your service, medical professionals, you know. Yeah. Thank you. One more time for Hell's Bells, everybody. Get away. So embarrassing. They're growing up. Won't be long before the thought of a family holiday is just... But with Hilton's staycations all over the UK, we don't need to go far to feel close. Welcome. And with connecting rooms confirmed when we book, we'll have plenty of space to make the most of every moment. Everyone in the photo. When time away means time together, it matters where you stay. Book now at hilton.com. Hilton for this day. Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just... speaking into the void? All right. We're keeping it moving along here. This young man has been on the show multiple times. Always funny. Let's see what the new minute looks like from J.P. Hinsdale, everybody. Make some noise for J.P. everyone. How's everybody else's bipolar mag depression going? Fuck yeah, let's do this shit. I see a lot of couples in the audience. Sw-Swiss up. I'm single. Shut the fuck up. I'll jump. Okay? I warned you. No, man, it's... if you are with somebody, stay. Like, stay where you are. I'm out here in the wilderness. There's nothing out here for you. It's just darkness on the edge of town. I was out with a girl recently and she said, if you're lucky, I'll give you herpes tonight. I had to tell her I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I don't have health insurance. It's not okay, Cupid. Uh, that was my time. Thank you. Hell yeah. One more time for Hell's Bells with a beard. I'm kidding. J.P. Hinsdale is back. Funny stuff. What did you start with? Bipolar? What'd you say? Bipolar manic depression. Is that... You got that? Yes. Wow. Look at you. That's like your fourth or fifth biggest problem, J.P. It's not even in the top ten, but let's go with it. I love it. One could say you're a bipolar bear. Yeah. I bring the beef. How do you deal with it when you're at your low lows? You know, you're not hiking or walking or anything like that. No. So what is it exactly? I was swimming, but the sea betrayed me, Tony. Yes, it did. They kept you in a tank at SeaWorld. Yeah. Your dorsal fin went soft. The kids stopped coming to see me. I couldn't splash anyone. Right. It made me very sad. This is white fish. I got a clog in my blow hole. It was just... You literally do like... You look like you haven't taken a shit in a year. You look like you just... Little do you know that's mostly what I do. I've got. What do you like to do when you're sitting on the toilet? How do you kill the time? I'm just wondering when I'm going to have my Elvis moment. Like fame? Yeah. You're talking about eating another peanut butter and banana sandwich. Sure. Married a 15-year-old? Let's check in with our senior obese handler correspondent, Brian Holtzman. I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before. I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here is your gym burnt down, didn't it? Close. It gave me an infection. Jesus. Wow. What do you mean? That's why I told you to see betrayed me, Tony. It was actually the pool at an LA fitness. Keep going. Yeah. It got really infected. I guess I had a cut or something because they didn't clean the pool, right? And then I got really... I got sick in a weird way. Can you explain to us the weird way that you got sick? I got crazy delusional. And I had a show that night. I got an argument with my friend that didn't make any sense, and I jumped out of the car in the middle of the highway, which was... that was on the way to the show. So that was the first clue. And then I was doing the show, and I had this bit because my friend's show was called Big Dog Sundays, and I happened to have a dog sex mask. Yeah. That's normal. Go ahead. I can explain it to you, but it really doesn't matter. Okay. Yeah. And so I had this bit, like, I go up there with the mask and I'm not explaining it, but I take it off eventually, but I left the mask on the entire set, and people did not like it. Okay. We got a little off track here. We were talking about the infection from the pool at LA Fitness. Then I got back to the house and our AZ was out, but I was like freezing cold. Your AZ was out? My AZ. Okay. My AZ-AZ, okay? Uh-huh. But yeah, I was like, I had chills, and they were like talking to each other, trying to figure out if they should call the ambulance, but I don't have health insurance, so that was kind of the thing. And then for a while there, I couldn't walk for like a week, because it just like, my leg was just that fucked up. So what did they say that you had? I got an infection in my leg. I never went to the doctor. I just got better. I got pouring alcohol. No, you still got a fever, bud. What? You just... Because I'm lost during this fucking conversation. You never went to the doctor? Dude, I broke my leg and never went to the doctor. You know me. We've done this. You're like, that's why the leg's fucked up in the first place. Dude, you have to go to the doctor sometimes. I would like to. When's the last time you've been to a doctor? I... I... I... I... I... It's... It's been a minute. Okay. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. How many minutes? How many years? Uh... Two. Okay. It's not that bad. What did they say last time you were there? Come back more often? It's just like, I got into a question about... with the leg, they told me they had to break it again and put pins in it to make it right again. And I couldn't take off time to do that. And then I just... Eventually I just got used to it. And then I was just like, you know what? I don't want to do... Take off time from what? I want to do this. So I do this. Would you say, Ian? Take off time from what? Take off time from what? I was a mechanic. Oh, yeah. What are you now? Nothing. How do you make money? I have my ways. When you say ways, do you mean W-E-I-G-H-S? Okay, some people like some very specific videos and... No. I'm just... Look it up. Look it up. I'm fucking with you. Fuck it. Look his up. I'm Johnny Sepsis. Red Van, we're friends. Red Van, come on, buddy. Have we weighed you before on the show? Yes, please don't. I just started to diet. I'm not ready to kill myself today. Do you remember what you weighed last time? A lot. Like... Do you remember what you weighed? Yes, yes. What was it? 430. 430. Yeah. Can we bring this scale out here real quick? Oh, fucking hell, man. It's gonna be bad. I know. That's why I'm excited right now. Ginius Girl ever brings it. The lovely Heidi is setting up the scale right now. Here we go. JP Hensdill. Heidi. You got eyes on that? Can you give me a read? Lean on him. What is it? 445.4 pounds. Yeah. JP. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? Yeah. What are you doing? We need to save your life right now. I know. I don't know. I'm trying. Fuck it. Yeah. Okay. JP, the last two times you've been on, you've had really depressing fucking material. That's not normal that you used to have. Are you going through depression, hardcore? Red Band, have you been paying attention to anything that's been happening? No, I know. But have you ever had medication for it? No. What are you talking about? That's the worst question. Literally the whole set and interview we've been talking about this. No, but other interviews weren't like this. Or is there other material? It could be seasonal depression. Yeah. Yeah. It has to either be winter, summer, fall. And I'm a man of all seasons. Okay. Yeah. Fuck it. Is there a doctor in here that might want to take this case? Is there a doctor in the house? Clap your hands if you're an actual doctor. Yeah, let's go. Is that an actual doctor? Or just some dumb bitch clapping for no reason. Yeah. There you go. I used to talk to my therapist every other week, but I lost the coverage I did have. Don't lose too much weight because I'll tell you, and this is true for everybody here, the fat of your head, the smaller your ears look. That's great advice. It is. Thank you. And everybody's worried. Great little ears, doesn't it, though? Yeah. Because as we get older, your ears keep growing. That's why you see old people with big ass fucking ears, big fucking noses, because the cartilage in your ears and in your nose, they keep growing. This is just too much. I really appreciate it. You're like the grandpa that used to drink in front of me. Thank you. Let's check in with the great Ian Bag here. Apparently there is a doctor here. Dr. Holtzman. Dr. Holtzman. Dr. Holtzman. Your ears small. You have such an adorable... Happy for you. You have such an adorable giggle. Thank you. It's going to play so well in the in-memoriam video. Yeah. Not the first to say that. Well, I bet. That's not a good sign. I've been last to two friends this month. I'm still here. Okay. That wasn't funny. I'm sorry. That was me. I'm sorry. Oh shit. This is bad. Like, enjoy it. I'm fat, everybody. Come on. All right. Yeah, there we go. Okay, JP. Well, let me just tell you that you use the code space80 at Talkspace. Without a doubt. You can use the code space80 at Talkspace.com slash Tony. Enter promo code space80. And you, my friend, can literally get $80 off your first month. I love Talkspace, man. Yeah, we love Talkspace, and you should too. I'm glad I was here for this. You really touched me with your targeted ads. Thank you. JP Hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Put the mic back where you found it there, JP. It's the least you could do there. All right, I guess that's not really the spot, but okay. I guess that's just how he lives life. Just... Well, you guys ready for one last bucket pull, huh? All right. We'll make it quick. Make some noise for Isaac Butterfield, everybody. Isaac Butterfield. Here he is. G'day, Austin. How are you? Fantastic to be here. I tell you what, I'm learning a lot about this beautiful city. It's fantastic. It's gorgeous. I was walking down Sixth Street. I saw a lady on her back, and I saw her pussy. That was fantastic. Wonderful to see. I tell you what, though, she was like, no, full legs spread. I felt like I was in Dallas, though. It was an interesting pussy. It looked like JFK's exit wound. It was full-eyed. It was... No, it was. It was crazy. There was a big old flap going over a Waymo. I saw Jackie Kennedy chasing. It was fantastic. Wonderful. Great. Although I've been hearing some... I know this is a very progressive town, sir, with your pink hair. Fantastic. Good stuff. Very progressive. I saw that Barbie recently released a Down syndrome Barbie doll, which is very, very interesting. There was a lot of other Barbie dolls as well. There was a black Barbie doll. There was an Asian Barbie doll. There was a Barbie doll in a wheelchair. There was a cross promotion with Hot Wheels, which is interesting. But the Down syndrome Barbie doll was my favourite. It had this... It was expensive. I wouldn't buy it personally. Just put the regular Barbie doll in the microwave for 25 seconds to get the same result. That's my... Thinking, hello, Brian. How are you? You're well, sir. You're going alright? Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Isaac. Good to see you, sir. It's your first time on the show, correct? Thank you. How are you? First time here? It's my first time on Kill Tony. It's great to be here. From what I hear backstage, you guys have been a fucking fantastic crowd. So good on you. Fantastic stuff. Look at you trying to get them on your... What are you, running for governor or something? Hello. Isaac. Do you live here in America? I do not. I'm from Australia. Oh, okay. From Newcastle. So Kangaroo, Wakidna, etc. There you go. Well, welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? 11 years. 11 years. Quite a while, yeah. How long have you been in Austin? For about a week and a half. So it's good. I'm never coming back in summer. This is atrocious. Jesus Christ. It is a warm around here. So this is your second time signing up for the show? Yeah, I was here last week and Tony always talks about on Kill Tony about the amount of people that sign up. But there is a huge amount of people next door. And it's an incredible thing that you and Brian have done. So congratulations to you too. Thank you very much. Not cock too much. Thank you. It's good to be here. Go ahead, Brian. He's... Man, you just suck everybody off up here. Suck the blind guy off too. No, D-Madness, famously the most homophobic person on this stage. Right, okay. Literally just said, no. I was like, what do you do for work? I'm a comedian. So I'm a comedian from Australia and tour and all that type of stuff. I make YouTube videos as well. So yeah. I love it. Tell us something crazy about your life. I have paratysmal dyskinesia, big fan. Yeah, which is a movement disorder where I lose control of my head and my neck and I go blind in my left eye. So... Fucking... How dare you, Brian? How dare you? So wait, when does this happen? How often does this happen? Rarely. But my biggest fear isn't happening on stage. So I actually wink quite a bit when I'm on stage. It's like a new... That's crazy because I noticed that. I thought you just winked at D-Madness after he said no. And I thought you were trying to be funny, but now that you mention it, I see you just wink a lot with your left eye. I do, I do. It's very weird. I don't do anything. But when you say you lose control of your head and your neck, can you like do an act out of kind of what it looks like? Like what happens when you have... I would be honoured. Basically... Yeah, turn the lights up. That'll fucking help. I basically... Imagine trying to look behind yourself to see what's there. That's it, like that. And I go blind in my left eye, which is awesome. So bright lights aren't great for me, which is just fucking... But it's okay. So it hasn't happened on stage yet, but there is time and that would be great for views. Absolutely. No doubt about it. You got nothing going on compared to the last guy. Yeah, exactly. Good luck with your blindness. You should welcome talk to him afterwards. I could tell you had it better than the last guy when you said your diagnosis. Yo, he had an actual name of anything. Just like... Diabetes. It was an infection, Tony. It was an infection. I don't know. It was an infection. It was an infection. Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right? What does? Diabetes. Yeah, that too. Yeah. You saw him. You must have been... I'm not going back there. I had to fucking stand up like that to let him get past me, but that's... Allegedly. I don't know if it happened or not. Hell yeah. Isaac, you have a wife, girl from... Oh, Holtzman. You know, I thought you were winking at me and now I know it's a medical problem. I'm kind of disappointed. You look like you've sucked a clown off. He does look... That is it. You nailed it. You got him. I love your work, Miss Olson. Fuck yourself. You have a wife, a girlfriend? I have a beautiful wife, Claire, and my son, Atticus. We're touring America at the moment doing shows, and so he gets to see the world. He's been... Holtz Atticus. He is two and a half. When we came to America, he was five months old, and we got off the plane in Austin. He had his little fan on, and he's a great man. He finds far hilarious, and he's just a... He's an absolute legend. Did you sign up for the show that last time you came to Austin? No, I didn't. No, I was too scared, Tony. Okay. Because not to be a fucking hero, but I usually do longer sets, so a minute really scares me. Right. And... Yeah. Holtzman killing with no microphone necessary. Just the first four... You scared us, too! Just the first four rows cracking up in the whole table. Who cares about the millions watching around the world? Again, the senior veteran professional onstage, Brian Holtzman. The destroyer. No audio necessary. I love it. Isaac, what does your wife do? She is unemployed. She's a stay-at-home mom. She's a... a phyla... The... She's a whore! She's a... She... No, she is a whore. She... But she's a good whore, and she's got a lot of heart. And, no, good woman. How long are you in town for, Isaac? I'm here until Wednesday, and then we're going to L.A. to the Hollywood Improv. If you're around. And then into New York, as well. Okay. Everywhere. I finally got a visa. That is the hardest thing I've ever done. Getting a visa into America is ridiculous. What did you have to do to get it? I had to prove I was an alien of extraordinary ability. Ooh! I had to show them articles about myself and all of those articles saying I'm a piece of shit. So that was tough, but it... basically costs you a lot of money, and you have to, yeah, prove to the people that you're a legit human being. And that's what I had to do and show that I was a comedian, et cetera, et cetera. But we're here. We finally got here. You don't have to be looking over your shoulder anymore. It's great to be here. And I got to do the most American thing today. I got to shoot an AK-47. Whoa! Amazing! Nothing better than a winky twitchy guy shooting an AK-47. I like the most American thing is shooting a Russian gun. Yeah. It's very fair. Isaac, you're super likable, super cool, great stuff. Here's a big joke book. Thank you, Tony. There you go. Appreciate it, Tony. Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. And that is it for the bucket pools. Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to that part of the show where normally there's only one man that can do it, but that man, William Montgomery, unfortunately, is not here tonight. It is correct. The rare night off for old Billy McGumballs, the old Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, is not here. And normally, in that kind of situation, we would have the cold-blooded Estonian assassin fill in for him. But again, unfortunately, all my stars are far away in the galaxy on this night, except for one. I had to really fucking pull some strings to make this happen. I hope that it excites you as much as it excites me. As I bring to the stage who I believe is the next big superstar of the Kill Tony universe. Fresh off of his first-ever weekend opening for me, and I was very curious of how it was going to go. I've been doing this 18 years. He blew my fucking mind on the road doing these longer sets. And I present to you a pure thunderbolt of momentum on a one-way trajectory of wild success. This is only the third-ever appearance by the one and only Timmy Nobrings! CHEERING CHEERING What the fuck was that? All right, William isn't here, so he sent me his jokes. LAUGHTER I'm just going to go through them. Elon Musk said in an interview this week that AI will replace Mexicans by 2028. To which Mexicans said, Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Good job, William. This one just says, Tony, moving forward, can I go by Clifford the Big Red Angry Retard? LAUGHTER I think that might have been an interview thing. I don't fucking know. OK, Vietnam invaded Italy this week. When asked why, they said, Forget about it. I think that needs... I think that needs work, William. Conservative activist Charlie Kirk... Nope, let's... CHEERING Red Band, if you play the bear, I'm going to titty-fuck you. All right. NASA's Perseverance Robot, my hands are shaking because I'm going through pushy withdrawal. Right now, I haven't fucked in like two hours. LAUGHTER It just... Honestly, this just says the N word a bunch of times. Let's just wrap it up right there. All right, thank you, William. Boom. A minute 25 seconds of the newest fucking Thunderbolt Timmy. No brakes. All gas, no brakes, nonstop, so fun on the road, at home, anywhere. You can find him. He's a blast. New jacket, I noticed tonight, Timmy, no brakes. This is a whole different version. You're not round tone. You didn't mention David Lucas was on the road with us. Yeah. And that guy sat on my leather jacket. It exploded, and... LAUGHTER He gave me his leather jacket, and... LAUGHTER Just kidding. This is too small. LAUGHTER But yeah, fun times on the road, Tom. It was unbelievable. I don't want to give anything away, but, oh, my God, you are so different. It's so bizarre and fun and different. There's no other way to describe it. You don't even think like other comedians do. Yeah. It's just... Thanks. There's a nice thing to say, Tom. That's really, really nice. Thank you. Thank you. He was fucking right. This looks like a clown. It's unbelievable, right? It's crazy. It's like fucking Adolf Hitler became a magician. What the fuck is this? It looks like... It looks like he got splashed by one of those people protesting oil or something like that. A little bit. A little bit. Fuck yourself. I'll take it, Grandpa. Now it's done. LAUGHTER Timmy, no brakes. I'm not gonna be able to put my hands up for the rising comedians in the world. Fuck this jacket. I'll take it. You want this, Michael? All right. Michael's going to disappear in that jacket. Love the Mexicans. Love them. It is unbelievable how tiny Big Mike Gonzalez is. Coming fresh off of a victory. Oh, my God. Look at him. He's just lost in a sleeve. Oh, my God. That is adorable. Wow. It's like David Lucas. He looks like a little Eskimo over there. Timmy, no brakes. Tell us, what have you been doing lately for fun? You're always up to some real ruckus. Yeah, just being plowing through the push. LAUGHTER It was great to be on the road with you. That was really fun. You and David, we got the crazy stuff. I love seeing your routine. Kind of like what you do after the shows. The thing you did when you...������������� Yeah, I went to... What the fuck do you just say, dumbass? Dumbass! I'm trying to do William. I'm trying to fucking... William. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up! Timmy, I gotta tell ya, you know, for someone who's... This place is in chaos. I mean, this is what you create. It's always a ruckus. And I'm sure millions of people are watching around the world right now. And I mean, you are that guy right now. You are the fastest-rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell perhaps a young comic out there who might be thinking about chasing their dreams? Why don't you have your moment and tell them... Are you trying to fuck me right now? What's going on? No, no, I'm trying to... Have you... Okay, well, first of all, put subtitles on everything throughout the entire episode. So you have to do that, Red Band. But William did give me a list. It was Epstein's list. So I was just gonna... I don't know, I could read that, maybe? Yeah, you want the lights or the music a certain way, whatever, you know, do your thing, Timmy. Yeah, whatever you do for William is good. If you're trying to be a comedian and that's your dream, fucking quit. You're never gonna make it. Okay, let's see how this goes. All right. Betty Spitz! Oh! Christina Aguilera! Raven Simone! That's actually so Raven. The cast of Nickelodeon's All Dead! Oh, that's actually the victim list. Uh... That's fucking weird. Yeah, my bad. It just says that on the... It says, D-Mannus times 500. I don't... To be fair, you probably... They probably sounded 19, you know? Am I right? Am I right? Timmy, always going for that fist bump with D-Mannus. I think I don't think he has that... Is he like blind or something? He is, he's blind. Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ! We call him Timmy No Eyes. Whoa! Okay. If you could have seen what I saw! Whoa. Timmy, any parting words? Anything you want to tell the people watching around the world? Um... Fucking... Fuck you. You did a big... You've been doing a lot of headlining gigs. You did a big jazz club. Yeah, I did a huge jazz club. It was, I think it was a 50,000 seater or something. Sue Falls, I don't know if you guys have been there. It's like South Dakota, whatever. Big show. Yeah, big line out the front. And yeah, just gave it my all. And they said it was good. I think the New York Times was there. They did an op-ed. I think Vulture.com was there. They did an op-ed. I think Red Band's mom was there. She did a fucking op-ed on my fucking top. Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. The future has arrived. This episode brought to you by Blue Chew, Zipper Cruder, and Spotify. One more time for Timmy No Breaks. The drawing from Ryan Jebeld is in. It is incredible. It is Holtzman in Ian Bag. Ladies and gentlemen, go to IanBag.com. He is on tour. I swear to God, if you see him live, your mind will be blown. Truly one of the best comedians out there. He has the Husky Boys podcast available everywhere. And Brian Holtzman, as always, has brought visual plugs. On Facebook, he's Brian Holtzman. On YouTube, he's Brian Holtzman now. I guess... It's on the other side, too, things are being... Oh, I see. Okay, it is two-sided. And on Instagram, he's at Brian Holtzman. He prints these up and laminates them instead of just telling me and me writing them down. He actually brings them. Was Brian Holtzman not available on YouTube? You needed Brian Holtzman now? Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Uh... How about one more time for, uh, yeah, Ian? Thanks for having us, man. Thank you so much. Ian, you're fantastic. Thank you for having us. Husky Boys podcast, IanBag.com. That's Ian I-A-N-B-A-G-G, double G. And Brian Holtzman does the late show every Thursday in The Fat Man, 10 p.m. So technically, you could go to Red Band Secret Show, double up, come see Holtzman and The Fat Man for a perfect fucking five, six hours of stand-up comedy on a Thursday night if you find yourself in Austin, Texas. And life is good. I'm gonna be doing some stand-up. Check out my dates at TonyHinchClip.com, Red Band. Check out my fake band Capred7 new video, VCR on YouTube right now. Thank you. It is AI music, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most... I write the lyrics to make the beats. Amazing. Unbelievable stuff. It is incredible. He plugs in the words and music. I write lyrics and upload beats and have AI sing it for me. How do you make the beats? On Freeti Loops and GarageBand. Wow. It's getting unbelievable. The musician Brian Red Band has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Blue Choo, Zipper Cruder, Shopify, everybody. Live audience, we love you. We'll see you again next week. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Yes, you are running a business, so of course you are working hard. But your web hosting isn't working at all, darlings. If it can't cope with the visitors, you can't grow the business. Try Ionos. It loads up to three times faster, so you get much happier customers at unbeatable price. It is easy, peasy way to get hardworking websites that are not only for you, but for you, too. 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