#747 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Makes the night's librarian right there, and the best damn band in the land. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muleing, John Dees, and that is D Madness Live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. This is indeed Killtony, the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. You guys are ready for a good fucking time tonight. Good looking, proud we got. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready? Start this fucking show or what? Every single week, I have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. This is a fun one. This is a little chemistry set for you because sometimes I take great pride in introducing some of the top rising comedians in the world on this panel. We were one of the first shows ever to show you fucking Tim Dylan coming up and Shane Gillis coming up many, many years ago. This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both. You get one of the first time guests who I think is funny as fuck, and you have an absolute complete legend. In fact, he is the reigning defending 2024 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, your two guests tonight are Harland Williams and Nick Rocha Ford. Oh my god, there he is. Harland Williams. Nick Rocha Ford. Harland is back, ladies and gentlemen. I'm the Harland Highway. Nick Rocha Ford is on the scuffed real tour. Welcome, Nick. Holy shit, how exciting. Harland Williams. Buddy. I got to say I'm a little anxiety ridden tonight. I rushed out of the house and I don't know mostly the women might relate to this one, but I don't like to come up here nervous throughout a sort of, but I'm going to be honest. I left a seven layer lasagna in the oven. Seven layers. Seven layers. What are the different layers? Well, it's not be nosy. The highest I've done is a 12, and this was during back during the, do you remember the space shuttle era? Yeah. And they used to put those, they used to put the space tiles on the space shuttle. Do you remember that? Uh-huh. And they deflected the heat and they allowed the space shuttle to ease back into earth and kind of like what you do to your wife, sir. Yeah. And what I used to do, Tony, Daddy likes to drive fast. And so what I do, I did a 14 layer lasagna. I cut it up the same size as the space tiles, stuck them all over my Corvette stingray. And I want 102 through Baker's Field. Wow. That is amazing. Nick Rochefort is here ladies. The debut of Nick Rochefort in the Killtony universe. How we doing Nick? I made an eight layer lasagna. Here's the thing about space. I worked on the space to fake, but I don't know. We're going to have some fun here tonight. Nick's first time on the show, Nick, you might not know, but over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get there. I'm going to pull that out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. You know, their time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this convict on the run, pick the first name. This is very exciting. He dug in there a little bit. He pulled one out. Very, very exciting. And like that, we go wrangle that comedian who has no idea that they just got selected. They're over there. It's dark. It's gloomy at Shakespeare's next door. People are, there's a little water cooler. They keep refilling their little plastic cups. Some of them are drinking. They have a deal. What is a vodka soda pitcher for like $3? Some of them are like, I'm not getting pulled. And they just start fucking getting drunk over there. We have a DUI breathalyzer to check them in case they get too fucked up. Anything can happen. We crush dreams here and we make superstars. All the time, anything can happen. Let's start the show. Your first comedian. He's from Canada. He's a very, very energized young bunny rabbit. Make some noise for the return of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Recently I was told taking a bath makes me feminine. And if having a bath makes me feminine, then tuck my nuts and call me Daniela because I do not give a fuck. You know how many times I've seen you girls take those bathtub photos with your foot underneath the faucet and like a half a glass of shard in the corner? Mind you, it's a full bottle A. And then the little motivational quote of like, live your best life, queen bee who you're supposed to be. Like, I want to have that so bad. I saw a girl have a shard-true-tree in the back of her bathtub. I'm like, why can't I have a bruschetta and a bath bomb as a bro? You know, like I already take a shit and I eat a parfait. I might as well have a meat and cheese spread while I bathe. I'd have to make it more manly though, right? I'd have to have a half-crushed modello can in the corner and instead of a shard-true-tree though, just a floating zin-puck in the background. You know, but I fear if I took that photo, one of my buddies would just zoom in on the stainless steel faucet, catch my dick, just floating right in the middle of the tub. Because that's what it does. I'm not gonna lie, it's just a booey sitting in the middle of the lake faucet, just chilling, you know? Because that's what I do. Whenever I see you girls take those photos, I'm fucking zoom in, dude. To the point where I can't zoom no more, and then I just take a screenshot and zoom in an extra little bit. Just to see if I can catch a dorsal fin underneath the water. Thank you guys, up in Danny Marnello. Danny Martonello, representing Canada. Here tonight. Let me ask you a question, Danny. Yeah, have you ever heard anyone else? Have you only read the word shard-tutory? Have you ever talked with anyone about shard-tutory? Have you run that by anybody? To be honest, I don't even really know how to read, dude. Have you ever just sound it out? Have you ever spoken with anybody about shard-tutory? Yeah, usually I'm like, can I just have some extra cheese and then like, neat and stuff on it? You know, it's shard-tutory, right? You say you're doing it on purpose. Wow, you guys fucking figured it out, right? No, we thought you were retarded for a second. No, they ain't no difference than any of Daytona. You always think I'm retarded. Danny, what do you say, bro? It sounds like a bowel disease, honestly. Yeah. And if I can just add to the floating penis thing, I mean, I think there's something you really forgot that we got to add. Most you might not know this, but the penis does float and the little hole in the tip gas-fer-air like a coy fish. Yeah. So if you throw fish food in a man's bath, you'll need it all up. And for you ladies, let's be honest, you're just drowning a corn-beef sandwich when you take a bath. That is true. That is true. So you've been enjoying baths. This is all real? Yeah, I've been trying to just relax and stuff, and I sit in the bath. I think the shower anyway, so I was like, my knees will just fill it up. You have roommates? No, not really, no. Not really? No, I have a roommate, but he lives in Canada, and then he only comes a couple times a year. So I'm kind of just living on my own, which is pretty sick. Yeah. I miss him so much, and I wish he would show. All right, Dan. I thought you guys would have fun with that, but... Wacky. I don't really gave a fucky thought I was going to jump on and do a five-star frog splash on the table. Okay, Danny, what kind of ateroller are you on, exactly? Ah, Canadian, Mexican. Oh, severely overdiagnosed and under-medicated. I don't do any of that stuff, because I feel like it takes away from my spirit. Wow, so you've tried it. You've tried it. Yeah, I was forced to take Ritalin in grade four through seven, and you felt like it affected your creativity in grades four through seven? Yes, I was a stunted artist in that year, and it took away my shine, and my mom said, he's just a difficult spirit. You should be able to handle him as a teacher. But Emmett and Public School Board made me like take Ritalin if I wanted to stay in Emmett's office. So this Ritalin you took? You said you took it daily? Yeah, I had to take it at lunch. How many cases a day did you take? Just one pill, and it was funny. Like they lined us up like little abrats, and we'd have to go check in at the office and go, ah, but I didn't take, I'd put it under like in the pocket, and then I would give it to this kid named Jamie Anderson, and I'd watch him snort it in the urinal. Wow. You're like, it's grade five, it was pretty sick. You were like a Ritalin Pez machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then it would come out. Well, that's a kind of lingus machine right there. Yeah. Are you shooting them into your girls' vulva? Yeah. From afar, like a Thai pigpaw. Let's see. Can you do that with your mouth again? Yeah, yeah. I don't know, I two men wanted to open my mouth like that, but here we are. That's a Pez vulva right there. Very scary. Danny, what else is going on in your life? Anything else? Nothing much. I came back from, I went to Mexico for a wedding, which was pretty fine, except I got Montesuma's revenge. What exactly is that? Describe that to the people. That's where you just basically shit through a badminton rocket for five days. So yeah, I had travelers diarrhea. It was pretty good. You drink the water, like Charlotte from Sex in the City? Yeah, we got a little bit fucked up and an ice cube took me out. Wow. You know your top age, you're just going to slush you drinking? Yeah. But it was pretty good. I mean, now I enjoyed it. It was fun. You enjoyed the diarrhea in Mexico. Yeah, I was hitting the buffet a little too big. And then so then, I by the end of it, I was like, So fucking Canadian, right? Oh, I was hitting the buffet, no big. Yeah, what? You know, right? You just goards yourself, right? Because it's like, you're like fucking, you're like a Roman. And you're like, I'm going to eat every day. Don't look at the Mexicans like that. What are you turning around for? You're spinning around now. I'm a grin too and not, huh? I don't know. This is the safest place over here. Besides Harlan Eyes, I'm looking at Tony and he's like, oh, no, it's something's going to come. I don't trust you, dude. I don't know what's up, but I fucking shouldn't. You fucking dare, right? You shouldn't. Danny. Yeah, no, I was all right. And it was good. And then there's, yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm talking too much right now. Perfect. Danny, congratulations. You started the show with a minute. There he goes. Back to Canada. He goes. Danny Martin, hello, everybody. Hey, guys. This is where things get interesting, because we are going to the bucket for our first time tonight, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to meet human beings altogether. This is the bread and butter of the show. People can become stars out of this bucket. They can fucking blow it. The pressure can get to them. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket bowl of the night is Matthew Coffin, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. So, of course, Trump would call an operation that requires massive missiles to deeply penetrate a mountain to destroy a nuclear facility operation midnight hammer, which I don't even feel creative saying it at all, because I'm sure me, just like millions of other people, all thought the same thing. And that's the perfect name for a black porn star. I mean, come on. Come in the night. Midnight hammer. But, anyways, just further proof, he's our dick. Anyways, the older I get, I feel like the more I'm turning into an old black lady, especially during the winter time, I always feel like I need a little afghan or a little shawl around my shoulder. And I'm always saying, Lord have mercy. For some reason, my cell phone thinks that my nuts stink and I beat my dog. And I don't know why my phone thinks my nuts stink. It's like the phone hasn't knows or anything. And I don't talk about that stuff or anything. But it thinks I beat my dog. I'll get these little alerts on my phone that says, don't abuse your animal. There's other ways to discipline it. And it's because I sing to him and say stupid shit like, oh my god, holy shit. Holy shit, Matthew. I just got to beat you. Let's check him with Nick Roshafort. That's one fucking suicidal pomeranian right there. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. Saddest dog that's ever lived. That fucking poor dog just walking around, not even walking around, probably dying to run away right now. He's happy you stopped talking. Yeah. I thought it was a cat to be honest. A suitcase cat. It's got a fucking handle. The dog is the most interesting part of your entire set. You really just like, do you practice this Matthew? Do you like try? Yeah, it's been a really busy week. I haven't actually been on stage in about three weeks because I've been busy like work working. What have you been towing for work work? Between over here, like I told you last time, I've been working over the strip club now too. Working in a parking lot. You're working the parking lot at the strip club. What exactly are you doing in the parking lot? Would you like general parking or VIP? And that's what you do. Mostly trying to direct Uber drivers that don't speak English where to go in the right way and stuff like that. It's fun. Right. And do you have your dog with you when you're doing that? Nope. He hangs out by the car. And he's got his little leash attached to the inside of the car. He's got his little pillow out there and everything hangs out there with me. Okay. How long have you had this dog for? All eight years of his life. All eight years of his life. And what's the name of the dog? His name's Lucius Fox. Okay. All right. So Matthew, that is what you would call your service animal, correct? Yeah. How to pay the extra for it because I can't be without him. He can't be without me. It's just he can be without you. He could be with anybody else. Ask anybody next door. And you are here. Are you have you been diagnosed with anything? Is there a reason why you have a service dog or is that just your trick to life? Is that what makes people think you're okay? I didn't even know it was a thing like to use like service animals like to get your not have to pay for certain things for your apartment and stuff. I had no idea. I was just like, I was talking to Leon. Like I can't be without him. You answered an entirely different question. I was saying I can't be without him. I have to talk to a lady to get the license and all that. So I was like, I can't be without him. He can't be without me. This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. No, these aren't like character actors that we hire, something like that. Do you think you're sending the wrong message standing in a parking lot holding a dog in a place where you're trying to sell pussy? Hey, I said he hangs out by the car and some people like to say hello and stuff and it's pretty cool. Everybody's thinking it. Do you fuck the dog? Do you fuck the dog? One of the other guys likes to call him my little furry fleshlight, but no. Wow. But he's not. His bed is my bed though. He's got an interesting story. Holy shit, dude. This is crazy. Matthew. Your sleeve is an up-as-ass. There's nothing normal. Nothing else. There's nothing normal. Is there anything that you do without the dog? Not since I moved out here to Texas. You're just always with all this. Saddle my lap, all 1600 plus miles cross country to get here. And you came here to do stand-up comedy. Well, like I said, after I got struck in the head with that steel girder, I took that settlement money and I was like, I can't keep denying who I am. I'm a carny, I'm a clown, I have to go where everything's happening at. What makes you think? Big swings for defense. Okay, I can't handle another second of this. That dog is going to be leaking in 10 minutes. Matthew, you already have a very small joke book, correct? Yes. There you go. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Matthew Coffin, everybody. Matthew, you got to take like a year off or something. Take like a year off. Sign up in a year. It's absolutely psychotic. Take like a year off. How about that? Oh my god. We're all little service dogs. When the lovely Heidi comes out, am I right? How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? All right. Let's see if this bucket pole does any better. Make some noise for a fender, everybody. Here comes a fender. I know what you guys are thinking. My hair says California, but my voice says I'd fuck a cousin. Being from the South is challenging. Usually doesn't take people long to accuse me. Being some type of no good, messed up, wife beating, races, toothless Trump supporter. But that's not true. See in Alabama, you can only be three of those things. Because once you're four, we ship your ass to Florida. To become a legal resident of that state, you got a fucking alligator. You got a brother? They're going to try to tell you it tastes like chicken. But I promise you this. Does not fuck like one. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. Oh, the day my friends had a reminder of a young, wrong, white. Supremusus. All right. I'll leave it there. There you go. Offender getting actual laughs this time. Believe it or not, offenders have been on this show before. And at one point, he was doing as bad as the last comedian that was on. I swear to God. Believe it or not, an incredible amount of growth shown this set offender. Oh, look at Matt Mjolnick. He likes growth, everybody. I am a grower. So offender, how long have you... What? A pot grower, guys. A pot grower. I'm a pot grower. You're a pot grower. Yeah. That's what you do for a living? Yeah. Okay. Where do you grow it? Oregon. Oregon. Yeah. Williams, Oregon. Yes. No. Yeah. No. No offender, no. And the business is going good for you? I just, you know, I was living on my short bus for nine months chasing this dream in comedy. I left for three months. I just paid for an apartment for six months up front. Okay. Look at me. I'm not homeless no more. I am not homeless no more. I'm a crowd over. I got a bathroom. Wow. Six months worth of bathroom. How are you planning? Have you decorated this apartment at all or are you treating it like it's still a bus? No, no, I decorated it. So I got a medicine cabinet. Okay. A medicine cabinet? Yes. Okay. Yes. Really cool. I've never had a medicine cabinet before. Yes. Somewhere to put all of your medicine. All of my medicine. I got my rolling papers in there. My grinder. Above it, I got the clone in the eye drops, which I forgot to bring right now. Sorry about that. That's not decorating that. That just comes with the apartment. Is there walls just like you spread poop on the floor? I got a medicine cabinet. I've done some a lot of decorating. Yeah. Can I ask you something, bro? Yes, sir. This is just a reaction thing. Yes, sir. It's almost like a test when they when they hit you need the doctor's office. It's a reflex thing. Okay. I'm going to say something I just want to thanks for crouching. I can still see you. Go ahead, Harlan. I'm sorry about that crouching tiger. Like a giant crawdad went by in the mud. This is just like a reflex thing. I'm going to say it. I just want to see how you react. All right, guy. I can't believe it's not bought up. All right. He was my stepdad, so that makes sense. Okay. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. I just want to see how you react. All right, guy. I can't believe it's not bought up. Okay. Little Fabio reference straight out in 1994 for you, back when. Yeah, never forget I was in my bedroom playing with a lasagna and offender. Tell us more about this new apartment. This is a big deal for you. A lot of... Oh, yeah, dude. I was living amongst these homeless, these savages, dude. They take shits in the street. You got to be respectful. You got to put in a bag and then you got to find a trash can. Far, far away from the mothership. Okay. I've always wanted to ask this question. I'm not trying to be a wise guy, but when a homeless dude or woman cracks a loaf in the street. Okay. Like, when they drop a cracker barrel thunder loaf for all of garden chicken souffle, whatever you want to call it. What are you wipe with? It's a great question. What do they wipe with? You were out there, you had a firsthand account. I'm pretty sure, shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either. So they're just walking around with the leftover in their crack. Yeah. A little loud, dude. I wasn't ready for that answer. A little souffle for later. Did you ever like bend down your desperate? Maybe you had a hot date with another homeless chick the other night? And you bent down backwards and wiped your crack with your golden, fleecey hair? It's a great question. A great question. Affender, are you making money anyway while you're here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. How are you doing that? Comedy. You're making money. You're doing paid gigs? I do paid gigs. I bark. Whatever. How I ever can help any show or anybody that has an opportunity for me. I extend my offer and say, hey, I'm willing to do this. I live here for this. I mean, that's... I'm not a person in New York. More or less than the last comedian's dog. Not a real question. Affender, what's your love life like? You're a handsome man. Thank you. How does that work out for you? Now that you have your own apartment, is that something that you're doing? Uh, you know, it's something that every man probably is thinking about. But me personally, I don't have time for it, man. You don't have time for the ladies. No. Well, you got yourself. Look at you. What is the tattoo right here on the arm? I'm glad I asked. Okay. I don't know if you guys can see it. Can you describe it with words? Yes. All right. So it's got a wood handle, a metal shaft. Some would call it a shank, but it's not. Okay. It's an old-school can opener. Nice. Why? I was more talking to this after opening a can of whoop ass on somebody. You know what I mean? I was more talking about the predator CIA coating you have on your wrist right here. Oh, that's that. Yeah. That's that. That's frightening. Okay. So I have this right here is Yuzetti. Uh-huh. And then this is Dottie that's Croatian for give and take. Because life is all about the give and take. Wow. Okay. All right. Do you ever meet a homeless woman with a tattoo of a can of beans on her leg? Yeah. I see all your contrast, dude. I did just... You guys were at Skankfest. I was actually working there, which was a fucking great time. I actually fought in the Skank fights. Okay. How did that go? 25-second submission, arm bar. The fastest submission of the weekend. You won? Fuck yeah. Oh my God. You hit the fucking... You hit the can opener on somebody. Oh yeah, I did. Good thing I have it. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Triple HIV. Me. Yeah. I got to ask. I got to follow up. You're in the street, right? I was. Yes, sir. Well, you still are. Yes, sir. And it's a tough world out there, right? We've all watched the animal planet, right? Yeah. Yeah. You ever, since you do have some mad skills in the ring, you ever get into any tussles out on the mean streets, my guy? Yeah, so I'm actually like no torsely known for breaking up fights down here, trying to protect people from harming themselves even further. Oh wow. One night a guy did aggress me and I had to, you know, take care of myself. But you jerked off on him? Fuck yeah, I did. Yeah, they pulled out a stretcher and everything. No, but I did have to wrap up a guy, but I try to do it in a respectful way that doesn't harm anybody. The worst thing is, and today, especially on the street, it's pretty violent. People didn't be aware of it. Did he put hands on you? Did you take any shots, my guy? Dip and then hip toss and put them in a triangle, choked them till the cops showed up, showed up, broke into a square dance from what you just showed me with them. Well, let's not act that out. Okay. Offender congratulations. You've never gotten a big joke book on this show before, correct? Have you? I have the very first one. Well, then there you go. Hey, it got filled up and I worked. Are you just saying that? Are you going to sell this on the streets to somebody? All right, there you go. Offender ladies and gentlemen, there we go. Two return bucket tools to start the show. This looks like a new name. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. We're going to find out, but let's hear it for emo majol, ladies and gentlemen. Emo. Let's go. Here we go. Nothing. Book. No, I'm fucking around. I speak English, guys. Holy shit, there's a lot of white people here. I'm Thorex Stepday, the blackest fuck one. I'm from STOSN from STOSN by liberal Australia. I love the diversity you got here in America. Because there's no black people in Australia. Literally, me and my cousin Chad. I love doing the comedy in LA. I did the black rooms over there. The black rooms are kind of like this, but with black people. And I love performing with African Americans, you know? Because as an African, we see African Americans as our cousins. Like an African American is technically an African that got caught. And every four years at the Olympics, they remind the world that you never catch them again. What if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if I've been doing it out there, but I'm mainly in Melbourne. I'm all around Australia. All around Australia. Australia, yeah. Look at you. Amazing. He wrote a shipping container to get there. Yeah. How did you end up in Perth? It was, we got sponsored as refugees. So we got taken to Australia. How old were you when that happened? Not a reverse slavery. I was eight years old. I was eight years old. Amazing. Amazing. So much fun. Oh, give him a compliment. Yeah, give him a compliment. Can I give you a wonderful compliment, my friend? Yeah, absolutely, man. Good for you. We all have different gradients and shades of skin. Black people, white people, Asian people. You want to touch it? Is that what you're trying to say? I think I would. Yeah. You have dark skin, but it's a beautified. I just love the tone and the shade of your skin. Thank you, man. When white people show that much interest in black people, I got nervous. LAUGHTER What's your address? My... LAUGHTER Amazing. Emo. Yeah. When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Ah. And now here I am. How about not meeting you? So I have to ask you, what scares you? What scares me? Yeah. White people. That makes sense. White people and cops. That makes perfect sense. What's your address? What's my... Exactly what I'm talking about. Emo, what else are you into? You have any special skills or hobbies or talents? I love standing out, man. I love traveling. I travel a lot. I try to express myself as much culture as possible. Yeah. What have you learned from these different cultures? What are some of your favorite cultures? I would have learned that we... One race. Hold on, wait. What? One race. One human race. Yeah, yeah. OK. So you're a marathon guy. Right. But like, where are the... Your favorite places that you've traveled? My favorite places are being out to Asia. But I love being out here in America. He's doing make me a little bit nervous with your guns and shit. But yeah, America's cool. Every different state has got the only little different rules and different cultures and stuff. So I really like... You say that Texas's guns make you nervous. Have you ever shot a gun? Yeah, I shot guns. Yeah, come on from Africa. OK. Ah! Oh. I love it. You shot guns in Africa? Ah, shot guns in Australia and... Yeah, in Africa, yeah. OK, where were you shooting in Africa? Was that an arranger? Just cans. What? Cans. Cans. Container-shaped captains. That's who we shot. Ha-ha-ha. You ever shoot a slingshot or throw a rock? Yeah, I made a slingshot when I was a kid. OK, well go to Canada. You can do it some more. I just came from Canada. I had my first Canadian winter just recently. You had your first what? My first Canadian winter. Oh, my God. Yeah. How did it feel? Cold. Cold. It felt cold. That's the right answer. I was out in Saskatchewan, which is... Nobody knows where the fuck that is. Yeah, we know where that is. Yeah, of course. That's the prayerings, yeah. Yeah, you know you're a Canadian. I know. I know a comedian, my Gary David, a Canadian comedian. He used to do this joke and say, uh, Saskatchewan is so flat. It's the only place in the world you can sit on your front porch or watch your dog run away for three weeks. And he wasn't very good. You can tell. Ha-ha-ha. Do you want to touch it? I want to touch it. How about now? Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. I got a lasagna in the oven. Don't fuck with me. Emo, you're a world traveler. You are... You're a specific shade, as mentioned earlier. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever done to you? So you seem like such a nice, sweet guy. And like, it's interesting how people judge a book by its cover. Yeah, from Australia. Like, that place is racist, as fuck. But that is my kind of speed, though. Yeah. Bit of the races you know, then the races you don't. Yes. All right, someone touched me and tried to rub it off. That was... That was a little insulting in Asia. Fuck you. Fucking Bali. In Asian and Bali, asked if you could rub any of that off. No, no, no, no. They tried? They tried to rub it off, yeah. Holy shit. Did they use, like, lemon pledge or anything? Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. I think she just trusted her own hands and was unsuccessful. Have you had any jobs other than being a comedian? Yeah, I had a ton of jobs. I work in cold centers. I worked... What was the first one? Cold centers? Oh, I thought you said cold centers. And I was wondering if you were the cold for a second. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. He said he likes racism, ladies and gentlemen. He feels at home. My kind of speed, yeah. I worked in warehousing, but that up was definitely my favorite job. Yeah. How about your love life? You seem like a handsome, handsome man. I'm sure. I'm gonna partner. You have a partner? Yeah, I'm gonna partner. The answer is who to go engaged? Oh, yeah. It's a... Where'd you meet this partner at? She's Canadian. I met her at a festival in Australia back in 2018. Is she a girl? Yeah, by my studies. What's someone to say is partner? I don't know if it's a girl or a... No, she's a girl. She's a girl. She's a woman. She's a woman. Yeah. Right. Canadian woman. White? No, she's Indian background. Oh. Brown girl. Wow. Okay. Indian background. I got to live. You met her at the call center, I'm guessing? I met her at a festival in Melbourne. Is there any water running? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Why don't you just call for some? Ooh. Yes. Yes, let's get it. Absolutely. You have cotton mouth? I don't even have to do the rest of that joke. I don't even have to do it. You can't even make it up, ladies and gentlemen. First person asked for water in years. That just so happens to be one of the darkest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life. So... It's just for fun at the call center. Yeah. I'm just curious. You ever just do a... Oh. Like a Tarzan call? Well, Tarzan was not black. That's true. That's true. Harlan's been watching the Disney remake of Tarzan on Netflix. Only on Netflix. Just bunches up and wide and fucking pile. It's too late now, RedBanz. RedBanz just says his fingers hovering over the Lion King set up that he has right now. Nothing up. I don't want you to get into anywhere. Okay, it's a Tracy Chapman reference. Is anybody ever... Great Jones. Yeah. This is amazing. You have to understand, Emo. We're very excited to have someone like you here. It's our first time interviewing the curtains. So it's very exciting. It's very exciting for us. Technically, you've been on every episode of the show. Probably sponsored by me. That's right. Tony, he's the captain now. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, my goodness. It's serious. Quick. I love it. Emo, what do you think because you are indeed dark. We've covered this. Yeah. But I have to ask, what do you think is the widest thing about you? There's something about you that you do. Maybe your teeth? Oh, okay. It's a good answer. My teeth. And it's like, yay, my credit report. I tell you about my... I love it. Emo, you are fantastic. What a great interview. What a great set. What a great sense of humor. Welcome to the Coach Tony Universe, the debut of Emo Mejak. Ladies and gentlemen. There you go. That's how it's done. It's exciting. You've come a long way from that first bucket pool. I used to. Solid. Solid. Oh, we liquefied. And put him in a drink for Harland. Look at that. There he is. That fast. He goes from a solid to a liquid, ladies and gentlemen. Only on Kilt Tony. Do we have this type of technology? Rogan has a lot of money. He has a human liquefier in the back. He's bubbly. He was bubbly on stage, too. Dark and bubbly. Wow, wonderful. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool. I'm going to give you a cup of coffee. I'm going to give you a cup of coffee. What's up, guys? I found out my ex was bisexual when I found the grinder app on his phone. And it was to Jim's and Mike's and Tony's. That's not why we broke up though. It was actually because he's a whore. Bisexual I can deal with, but by loyal, absolutely not. Then I found out my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend. She confessed to me that they had had a threesome, which is crazy. Like they tied her up naked in the bed. She thought she was going to get some kinky-goot fun, but they actually just forgot she was there and went out just right next to her. Which to me sounds a lot less like a threesome and more like a coming out party that took a hostage. It actually took him two years to admit that all of those things were true too. Which is fair, if you consider the fact that most people can't admit that they're the problem, let alone admit that they're at the bottom. Wow, all right, Ashley Ann. Getting her revenge on her ex boyfriend publicly. I'm guessing this is, did he introduce you to this show? This is totally crush on you, absolutely. What? No. What? He did not. I haven't talked to that man in a very long time. Okay, how long ago was this breakup? It was like 13 years ago. Oh wow. This is perhaps one of the craziest ex-girlfriends we've ever had on this show. Wow. I just wanted to say, for revenge is sweet, ladies and gentlemen. 13 years she's been plotting and planning. Wow. How long was the relationship? Well, it took me that long to get over the trauma. First of all, I'm now writing about it, you know, release. Maybe like three years. Okay, so three years held on to it for 13. Yeah, there's a good reason why, but I can't say it publicly. AIDS. AIDS is the answer. That's definitely not it. Okay. Is he famous or something? Mm-hmm. I would tell you, not them. Okay, what a great podcast guess you are. I'm sure the people, the millions of people at home are going to go. Okay, fine. I'll tell you. Perfect. It's my daughter's dad. It's your daughter's dad. Okay. It was actually eight years ago. I was trying not to be too specific for him. So you've answered nothing. And he's in prison, so I mean, he's happy. It's fine. There you go. All right. This interview's moving at an interesting pace. What's he in prison for? DUI. DUI. How do you get sent for prison for DUI? Running away with a car and then running it into the back of another car. Okay. So, all right. How long is he in prison for? Oh, he did five years, but he went right back. Why did he go right back? Arm robbery. There it is. Hey, everybody. There's, seriously, you can't answer the simplest of questions. It's amazing. Yeah, he thought it was crazy. He never touched a gun a day in his life. He just knew where he wanted to be and how to get there. He's never touched a gun a day in his life. He knew where he had to be, but he went, but he did have a gun during the robbery. Yeah. Sure did. All right. Okay. How long is he in prison for this time? I don't care. I don't know. I actually don't know. Perfect. You are literally the worst interview in the history of the show. This is unbelievable. Listen, when my fiance watches this, he's going to make fun of me. So, God, he's here. He's here. Okay. All right. Yeah, he's probably going to cheat on you in a bisexual threesome. I can see how this is all working out, by the way. He's probably going to get himself thrown in prison by doing whatever it takes just so that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore. I'm starting to all make sense, Ashley. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year. A year. All of it here in Austin? Mm-hmm. Where do you live? No. I live in DFW. DFW. Dallas? Yes. I live in Fort Worth. Yeah, but I work all over the place. You found a rich cowboy to buy you a 10-carat diamond ring after all that shit. That is a huge ring monster. It is legally blind. He had to find me somehow, so. He's actually blind? He is legally blind, yes. Wow. It all makes sense now. Listen, he can see me. He just has no peripheral. He's like a rainbow on low battery. He probably wishes he was deaf. He is a little bit. He's a little bit deaf, too. Yeah. Wow. Where did you find this guy? I don't know. My standards were over here. It's an easy question. Where did you meet this guy? A bar. karaoke. The bar, karaoke. What was your song? What were you singing that night? He made me sing some Reba Mac and Tire fancy. You're like Courtney Love. Yeah. Or like Courtney Hayden. Except I'm an natural blonde. You're a fucking monster. I know. Yeah, I make fun of my blind fans. I know. I know. I know. I know. Yeah, I make fun of my blind fans. I'm sorry. How did he end up blind and partially deaf? Partially deaf because he sits next to my fucking speakers. When I host karaoke, blind, he was born. He's got RP. Retinitis pigmentosa. Okay. So he just was born with full vision and loses it gradually. So he has double pigmatosa, huh? Yeah. Double pigmatosa? Yeah. Yeah. What was that one of the... What is it? What is it? How do you say it? Retinitis pigmentosa. I know it sounds like a Harry Potter spell, but nitus pigmentosa. Sounds more like Winnie the Pooh's little buddies. Oh, pigmatosa. Yeah. Totally. All right. Ashley Ann, I got to keep this thing moving along. Here's a really small joke book. Can you catch it? Yes. I'm going to leave it a little bit short because you seem like a walking lawsuit here. There you go. Perfect. Ashley Ann. There you go. Good God Almighty. All right. Let's get a little palette cleanser up here, ladies and gentlemen. We've had some giggles with these bucket pulls, but now it's time to drop the hammer. I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. Here, doing a spot in the middle of a random episode of Killtony, I present to you a man who, one day, perhaps, by the grace of God, will be a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is all you that see. I love thinking always how American movies play in other markets, like if you were in Japan, and you went to see Openheimer. Palmer. No Japanese people in that movie, just a sexy scientist smoking cigarettes. Should I? Bang and chicks at universities. Back to Bang and... Or like if you're in Korea and you went to see Marley and me. The whole time you watch that movie, you're like, how long is this meal gonna take? Sometimes they rename American movies to fit for the local market, like taken with Liam Neeson in Albania. It was called Normal Business Guy. Does Honest Business? Until American Asshole intervenes. Chandler's List in Germany. It was called Shises. So close. But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies. He makes killing look so easy. He's just a lazy fat old guy. You're at home eating chips, you're like, yeah, I got it like that. Everything's El movies. Him at a diner trying to finish a meal. But then a hooker gets in trouble. Every Denzel movies just him at a diner. Kill 26 people. Takes down a hole, syndicate. It's a hot hooker though. You gotta save a hot hooker. Okay, this is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal. But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow. Ain't nobody saving a fat cow. Thank you guys so much. Wow. Three minutes and 30 seconds. The only human that we allow and that can take the ball and run with it and crush. What a presentation. No, we love it. I didn't have time to cut it. No, it's great. You're fucking, yeah, it's a movie chunk right there and we love it. Someone's been watching some movies this week. You look fantastic. You're crushing. Life is good. I look like a lead singer in like a vampire band. Yeah. A very emotional band. Death is infinite. Ari, what have you been up to? Yeah, not much. I had my first Halloween in America. I know it's a while ago, but we don't have Halloween in Estonia. We have Russians. Things are scary enough. Did these local Estonians and the Russians like what's the difference? Explain to these. One or mother and a raping empire and the other are really nice intelligent beautiful people. Wow. Wow. And you've seen that first hand. You've seen some Russian pillaging, if you will. Yeah, when I was like 14, I remember I got beat up by these two Russian kids. They were also 14, but in Russia, 14, they got hair under knuckles, two kids. At divorce, three jobs, you know. I was like an Estonia 14-year-old. I had it all. I was doing parkour. No, literally, I was doing parkour and then they saw me doing parkour. They came up to me and they said in Russian they go, Estonsk, beta-rised. Which means like Estonian f***ing witch. I don't know how they already knew. And then what, did you throw the first punch or... No, never. No. They threw the first punch and then they claimed it was necessary to do NATO. I love it. You seem well-rested. What do you even up to? Yeah, I went to Mexico for a week. Oh. Yeah. Look at that. A lot of fans of Mexico here wonder why. They have a large Latino fan base here tonight. So a lot of Mexicans that I wish would come here. Are you in love with a Mexican girl? I fell in love every day, every single day. The way they look at you, too. It's crazy, you know. Like Mexican women, they look at you like, I'll f*** you, you know. Yeah, they will. I walked around with a killed Tony hoodie and so many Mexicans would look at my hoodie, look at me and they would go, Hey, what the Tony do? It was like the main joke. It was so funny. I saw them every time I saw them look at the hoodie, I'm like, here it comes. What did Tony do? I don't know. That sounded Italian. Yeah, I went to Cosumel, beautiful island and the other one I was there for the first night at such a funny incident where, okay, I Google restaurants, Google map restaurants and a lot of kosher. You know? Yes. Yeah. A lot of kosher and I'm like, what the f*** is this? Mexico, fuck kosher, you know. And then I go outside of my hotel. The first thing I see in Cosumel, two Jewish guy, full, full, full, full, not like, adapted, but like, not hiding at all, just full with the things, you know. You know, like, full, like, yeah. And they were arguing two Jewish guys arguing with a Mexican guy who, he's the guy who rents out scooters and like motorbikes. And the Mexican is just when I walk to, walk by then, the Mexican is saying, I keep the positive look scratches. I have the evidence. No scratch here before. I have picture. Look, there is scratch. And then the Jewish guy goes, no, no, we need the positive. I also have picture. And then they show the picture. And then I go and eat about 10 minutes later. I see the Jewish guys walking away from there with like a lot of money in their hand. And then the other one looks at the guy he goes. Photoshop is free and so are we. Just, wow. So they're like that in Mexico too. Wow. Punta Judea. That's what I mean. That is incredible. Wow. Amazing. Arracist, Tom Harland. Well, only if you're Jewish or Mexican. But yeah, I had fun. Yeah. Halloween party. Did you go to a Halloween party? No, no, no. You got to be careful with Halloween, my guy. Tell me. Well, you're a, how long you've been in America, my guy? Like one year and a half. One year and a half, Antonio backed me up on this red band that the key is to be careful with the costume. Okay. Uh-huh. I blew it last year. I went out dressed as a piñata. Oh. And went trick-or-treating down in the Latino community. Mm-hmm. And they beat the three musketeers out of me. You don't want it if I could get some kind of noise to me up. Uh-huh. Yeah. Funnier, funnier. I did go to a Halloween party and what I noticed is every chick is like a sexy slutty cat, huh? Mm-hmm. That's like the only hot animal they can think of. Yeah. There were a lot of chicks that should have been a sexy elephant, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You should've gone to Jeffrey Dahmer's house. He had a bare skin rug. Funnier, funnier. But there were like so many, so many chicks dressed as a sexy cat that this party was at. That I, when I was at this party and I saw all these titties and pussy's out, I kind of understood Islam. Because there would be like all the chicks with the sexy pussy, pussy cat out. And then there would be that one chick, you know, dressed like as a banana. You know, just the faces out. And I would look at her like, fuck. What's under the banana? Yeah. Yeah. Creates a little mystery. Just like the burqam. Mystery is just as hot as slatiness. I couldn't agree more. The banana wins. R.E. you are unbelievable. What a fucking set. Triple the work that you had to do. This place creating stars. If cams on SNL, I can't imagine what R.E. Mattie's going to be doing in the very near future. One more time for R.E. Mattie, ladies and gentlemen. Onward, we go back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Hemhill. Here we go, the opportunity of a lifetime. Yo, I don't know if you could tell by looking at me, but I got my haircut at the Lesbian barbershop. They kind of fucked me up though. It's my fault. They asked me what I wanted. I said, I don't know, just scissor me. I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills. They're supposed to make your dick bigger, longer, stronger. I don't know about that. I wish they'd come out with something for a female enhancement. Yeah, how about a pill that makes you shut the fuck up? Growing up was weird. My dad, my dad, he was always on this seafood diet. Where if he got home and he didn't see food on the table, he'd hit my mom. Shit, man. Um. Life's hard these days. Like if a white dude wants to be black, they call him a wigger. Right? I'm a white dude and I really want to be Mexican. What does that make me a winner? Shit. That would make you a white bath. Just so that you know what the funnier punchline is there, Jack Hempele. Welcome, Jack. This is your first time on the show. Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand up? Like two and a half years, somewhere at. Uh, fucking, hitting creek, open mics, green room. So here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, here in Austin. Nice. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed right now. Uh-oh. How much money do you have saved? Uh, like, 15, 20. You know, just fucking living bumming, bumming for the rest of the year. 15, 20,000? Yeah. Total. Yeah. So what's your rent? Um, 1150. 1150. So you have about a year. That's about half as much as a fender has. Or twice as much. Uh, okay. So what's your plan? How are you going to make money, Jack? Uh, shit. I'm going to fucking go to Mexico for the month of December. Fucking learn Spanish. I'm going to come back and, uh, get a sales job or something. I don't know. Okay. What's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat, exactly? Well, I kind of want to be Mexican. You know, I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, take some cooking classes. In one month. Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it off. You don't know Spanish at all? I know a little bit. I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school. Okay. I was in the video. 24, 24 years old. We're unemployed right now, but what was the last job that you had? Um, I was fucking, uh, there's a sales job. Just fucking cold calling, bullshit and, you know, instruction. How long did you have that job for? Uh, like six months. Okay. They fired you? Yeah. Why? I deserved it. Why? Because I kept, I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late for work the next day. Yeah. What would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night? Dude, fucking scrolling, uh, Instagram Reels. Uh, what is your algorithm like? If we looked at your... Really racist? Really? Yeah. Yeah. Anything else? Just racism? Uh, racism, um, fucking jokes. Random bullshit. I don't know. Like stuff, stuff that is unfulfilling. Just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll. But nothing more than that. Mijits with giant tits have entered my algorithm. I clicked on it one time, one time, and now it's my entire recommended page. And I don't know exactly how or why, but I do keep clicking on it and staring at them. So, wait, you've been, you're out of work right now? Yeah. Dude, it breaks my heart. It's gonna be emotional here. And I think you people were, it breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, you look like the meanest lesbian at a lesbian bar, man. You're awesome. Thank you. Really? You would probably get a job at like medieval times or something like that, like... Probably. I know, I can't jog, but I'll learn if they pay enough. I'll never put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked. Ha, ha, ha. What part exactly would he suck on? The hood. The what? The hood. Oh, the hood. Because that's the biggest area for his giant Natalie Portman suck mouth. Okay. Ha, ha, ha. What is your love life like? What are you into? I mean, honestly, I catch a lot of lesbians. Yeah. Uh-huh. But seriously. I mean, recently, uh, I mean, my only options are like dating apps and I feel like the fucking app runners are like digital e-pimps, you know, selling to a, I don't want to be a digital like, sim. What's the last date you went on? Uh, the last hookup you had, perhaps. Uh, I fucking 37 year old lady at like South by Southwest at South by Southwest. Yeah, just like there on location or you met her there. There's like a bar show. Yeah, I just met her there. What she looked like. Dude, um, she fucking when it starts with dude, you know, it's going to be good. Dude, she was, she was wide, right? And like looked like looked fat under her clothes, but she had a flat stomach. It was weird. It was a weird body type big old titties. Um, she smelled like corn tortillas and pizole. It was, it was pretty nice. And it was. Yeah. Yeah, you can say that. Sick. It was a Latina. Yeah, for sure. Okay. How do you think she felt looking up and seeing she's fucking Natalie Portman with a, with an altar boy's mustache? Yeah. So how did that, how did that, where did exactly did that sexual hook up take place? At her place? At her place. Yeah. Her piece. At her, at her place. I'm sorry. And her, her piece. You did. You did hear her piece. Her place. Uh, so how did that, how did that end? Did you last long talking to her? Oh, okay, perfect. Well, that's not exactly that. Uh, all right, Jack. Well, congratulations. Here's a, here's a medium sized joke before you. Jack Hamill, everybody. Her place. All right, keeping it moving along. Makes some noise for your neck. Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi. Check out our podcast. Love on the line at Heidi Regina.com. That's makes some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Doc Ferry, everybody. Anything in Apple? It's Doc Ferry. I love pussy. I just can't stand you fucking bitches. Let me explain. I'm surrounded by females. I got nine ants, only two uncles. I got three ex-wives. I got four daughters, no sons. And I got seven grandkids. Six, which are girls. So what I'm trying to tell you, ladies, is I'm onto your fucking bullshit. And y'all are fucking crazy. Let me give you an example. My dad caught me smoking a cigarette when I was younger. He made me smoke the whole pack in front of him. I get it. You know, punishment fits the crime. Now, my mother, she caught me jerking off in the bathroom. She made me... I can't look my uncle in the eyes to this day. It was horrible. My dumbass wife asked me a dumbass question. She said, do you have a favorite song? I said, yeah, you want to hear it? She said, yeah, I said, all right, here it goes. No, no, no, no, no. Second verse. Same as the first. She said, that's not a song. I said, it's music to my ears, bitch. Now suck my cock. Thank you very much. My name's God. Oh, my God, Nick. You just turned every pussy in this place to sand. Good job. It's frightening. Who says ISIS doesn't have a sense of humor? Sir, you're still crouching and I can see you. There you go. Doc, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? About two months ago. Okay. Well, welcome back. Remind us how long you've been doing stand up. About two years now. Two years. And what do you do for work? I am going to school currently for HVAC. HVAC, you're going to learn HVAC. Well, that's sucked. See what I did there? Are you going to do it? I was going to say the exact same thing. Yeah, exactly. Love brother. There we are. Thanks for standing erect. There she is. Look at that. Someone that dresses like a banana for Halloween. Anyway. So, Doc, is that true what you said? You have three X wives and four daughters? Three X wives, four daughters. How do these marriages all end? What's the width? Probably. Yeah, give us a little breakdown. My first wife was my high school sweetheart. She, I actually lost my virginity to her, which was ironic because ten years later I lost my car. My kids have my money for sixteen years. Yeah. My second wife was the meanest woman walking the face of the earth. Still is. She's in Germany. She's German, true German. I don't need to say any more about that. She was rough. She was the worst. She was the meanest. She was the meanest. I actually, we talked about this before, but I got PTSD after going to war three times with the military from the X wives. Wow. So I went to therapy and everything. Can you give us an example of what type of Tony? I believe she was on the show earlier, by the way. How did I think about it? So her name Ashley Ann by any chance? I can tell you this. I can tell you horrible things because it's not just the X wives. I don't date anymore. I'm done with women. They're fucking just obnoxious. I can't fucking take sorry ladies. Get your sisters together. Okay? Because they're fucking up. So here's some, here's some shit. Sorry ladies. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry ladies. Not a chance. Sorry girls. You're not getting a shot at it. Here you go. Yeah. I'll be outside after I'm available. I'm single. Hey, your hands get bigger every time you beat the shit out of one of your wives. You got mits on you, dude. Just gets flatter right here. You ever lay in bed at night, rub your beard and pretend you're fingering a girl from the 70s? It's a good question. You're on to me. Does it show? Yeah. Exactly. I do that. To keep telling us about the most traumatic wife you have. Well, the most traumatic wife, things that she did. The last two years of our marriage, I was locked in the basement, scared to death of her. She would come to work and she would show her ass. I mean, bad. She didn't care who was there. She just act a fool up and down. What does that mean exactly? What does that mean to you? What exactly would she do? Here's a good example. You guys worked together at the time? Oh no. She would go to her work. She came to my work. Right. Which at the time was what? In the military. Oh, she would show up to a military base. Okay, go ahead. And she would act crazy. But one of the things that happened while I was in the military and married to her was, I was in the bathroom taking a shower. And she literally kicks in the door. Right? And I looked like this. And she goes, I want you to take the shower on your knees. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? She said the sound of the water is going to wake the baby. I said, get the fuck out of the bat. She was serious. Who you married to, fat bastard? What the fuck are you talking about? It's Fiona. It's Fiona. Talked about. When she got mad, that's what she sounded like. It was horrible and she was mad all the time. Wow. What ethnicity are you exactly? I am half white in half Mexican. Half white half Mexican. Okay, tell us about the third wife. Third wife was the whore. We went in depth with this whore. Oh. Yeah, this one was, I'll just give it quick. Yeah. She put it, well, I was contracting overseas. She was back here putting herself on Craigslist's personal. And she was dating a lot of people, usually five to seven guys at a time. And so when I came back, I said, you know, why did you do it? And she was like, well, the relationship had just lost its romance. I was like, good luck finding romantic gang bang bitch. And then I thought, holy shit, I gave her permission. You know, I didn't know if a romantic gang bang was a real thing. So I had to go to a porn hub. I went to porn hub and put romantic gang bang in the search bar. And I tell you what, it took me 15 hours, a half bottle of jergons and a trip to the emergency room. And by God, I was right, she's a nasty bitch. Wait, you ended up in the emergency room? You making a joke? Okay, I can... She's a bitch. Oh, in the end. Okay, doc, let me ask you this, because you seem to really hate women at this point in your life. I am not fond of them. Right. What's the last date you went on? Have you ever had a positive interaction as late with a woman at all? Do you kind of go into it, thinking this isn't going to work? No, I go in there with a very positive attitude. Okay, so what's that like? Can you give us an example of a recent date that you went on where... I haven't dated in two years. You haven't been on a date in two years. Have you hooked up with anybody in the last two years? Not at all. Not itself by Southwest. December 22? What happened in December 22? That was last time I got late. That's the last date I had. How did that happen? What went down there? She was a girlfriend, and she just got jealous, because I had... I live in Bernie, so there's a lot of money over there. So the main house has seven bedrooms. And so I pick up some people sometimes. And they live there, so I had a friend who was a female who lived there. Hold on, girl. Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. You said the main house has seven bedrooms. Right. That's your house? Yeah. You live there. Yeah. By yourself. Well, my brother lives there. I got my daughter now with four of my grandkids in her house in Mexico. But it's your house. It's my house. Right. How were you able to afford a seven bedroom house in Bernie? I was working overseas. I was contracting. I was making a quarter million a year for like eight years. Okay. You're a fucking hell. Look at you. Well, I was a protection service for the ambassador. The ambassador of what? Oh, Afghanistan. The US ambassador of Afghanistan. You were protected. You protected the ambassador of Afghanistan. Yeah, you got this weird looking guy off to the side there. I'm like him only like way better. I'm pretty sure that guy would rip your fucking arms out of your sock. It's their dog. Pretty sure he would just absolutely do whatever he wanted to you. I'm getting older now. I used to be a little bit more in shape. It's up but not anymore. I get a net for the younger one. How old are you, Doc? 56. 56. Tell us what recently. Tell us how age is affecting you as a blade. It's the most recent. Yeah. Okay. I piss funny now. When you say you piss funny. Uh-huh. What exactly do you mean? That means I got a piss really bad. But I just pissed two minutes ago. Uh-huh. So I go to go to the bathroom again and a dribble a little bit. I mean, come on. You know, nothing comes out. And then I go back again. Then I don't pee for an hour. And then it's just kind of up and down, up and down. So I thought I might have a prostate problem. Uh-huh. I didn't even think about this story. Uh-huh. I got DP to the urologist. Tell us about that. All right. So I go in and I have this pee problem. I don't know what's going on. So I'm like, man, they're going to try and, I don't know what, I don't know what's going to happen. I think they're going to try and go up my dick. And I don't want that to happen. So I've kind of stayed away from things like that. So I go in and they're going to a room, mood lights and everything. I'm not comfortable. They put me on my side. And then they take this wand with like a baseball type thing on there. And they shove it in my ass. Uh-huh. Okay. I hate to tell you this, buddy. You're at Ruth Kris Steakhouse. I knew there was something wrong with the coupon. If I debat hell, yeah. All right. Keep going, Doc. So this guy puts this thing in my ass and then not only that, but now he's, you know, he's moving it around and doing it. And I'm just like, hold on. I'm just holding on. Okay. So then at the end, pulls it out that hurt. And I was like, oh, thank goodness. I said, and I kind of joked, clinked up and joked with the guy. I thought I was going to get something in my peal. He said, that's the next room. And I said, fuck me. So I go into the next room and swear to God, this is true. They have the tray. There's like a mound of the goo. Uh-huh. The gel. All right. And the thing that's going to go in my peal. Looks like the wand at a car wash. It's that. You said the word of the day, car wash is the word of the day. Dry it up all the posties and you shrivel up all the cocks. My friend. That is true. That is true. You're going to have a calmer world after this show. The most unfuckable man on the planet right now. No wonder these women hate you. I'm going to make you shower on your fucking knees tonight, Doc. Show on your knees. Yeah. You're going to wake it up, baby. All right, Doc. We got to keep it moving. Here's a little jokebook. Thank you. Here's Doc, everybody. It's a lot of uh, you might think that this episode is like a psychiatry office or something tonight. And it kind of is. Like there's a lot of uh, you know, a lot of wild people get in a standup. It's a crazy thing. Anything can happen. Make some noise to your next bucket pole. It's Jack McWilliams everyone. I hooked up with a girl who put our music to set the mood. to set the mood. I was about to go down on her when the song Cola by Lana Del Rey came on. For those that don't know, the first line of that sexy song is, my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola. So that threw me off, I'll be honest. I was not expecting her to taste like the choice of a new generation. Didn't seem sexy to me, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. So I just asked her, can I go down on you? She said, is Pepsi okay? Not my first choice, you know? I ordered a nice cold cock, let me hear you, fellas. Homophobic crowd. Seriously, there's no way that Lana Del Rey thinks it's sexy to taste like nobody's favorite beverage, right? That's gotta be an advertisement for Pepsi. That product placement sticks out more than a shockingly clean car on the walking bed. I'm watching that show, like, how do they get a brand new Chevy Silverado in the fifth year of a zombie apocalypse? All right, I'm Jack McLean, thanks so much. Jack McLean's, this guy seems stable, he looks like a comedian, he acts like a comedian, he moves like a comedian, doing jokes. This is a relief out of this bucket tonight, Jack. How long have you been doing stand-up? Yeah. 10 years this Valentine's Day. 10 years this Valentine's Day. What made you start on Valentine's Day 10 years ago? That was the day when I just, there was an open mic and I clearly was single. Yeah. I love it, so 10 years where'd you start up? That was in Bloomington, Indiana when I was in college, but I was in Chicago for eight years. Okay, you live here now? So I've made a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Austin, and I'm a golf caddy, so I go like six months at a time. Nice. I was just passed on another callback to be a door guy here literally tonight, so hopefully I get that. Oh, that's amazing. Fuck yeah, that'd be great. What an amazing thing happening here. Higher heaven, I got it. It's a charge, this guy. I love it. Yeah. Is that Adam Higgins? Yes. So you met Adam tonight. You got him. You met him last Monday. And he told you to come back for another one tonight, and you did good tonight. And he said you have a chance of being a door guy. He said he has to check his things. They have to do a little FBI, little research in you. It was like you said jokes, you look stable, but let's really find it out. We'll give you a chance to. Now they'd go through a high level research thing. Right, I've got a battle, eight different Gitsu. Yeah, exactly. Rogan's Club, the video game. I've got a month to get it all down, so I think I'll, I'm a shoe in. What do you mean you got a month? What is it? To learn all the Gitsu. Oh, exactly. Just a little Gitsu riff. We'll get back. No, totally. I love it, Jack. So you're a professional golf caddy. Yes. And how long have you been in a relationship with a girl from Austin? Two years next month. Nice. What does she do? She works at HB. She's a manager of this. She's an American hero is what she is. Oh! That's right. Wait, what's the HB? You don't know about HB, Harlan? We're Canadian. We don't know what that is. You're Canadian too? I'm just a piece of shit French Canadian. I'm like, wow. Not French Canadian too. Oh my god. Oh, it's in. Yeah. What's an HPB? We don't know. No, HB. HPV. HPV is the world's greatest grocery store ladies in gentlemen. Now, it sounds like, hey, what do you mean world's greatest grocery store? Like, what does that even all grocery stores are created equal? I'm a low on my friend. Every single thing at an HB is better than every single thing anywhere else. Literally in every single way. If anything has the HB logo on it, even if it looks like it's generic, it's better than the actual product that it's competing with. Can I ask you a question? You can ask any question you'd like. I would love to answer it. We love HB. That is not even a paid sponsorship, by the way. That is just our hearts. And it is a lasagna. A fucking unbelievable. Can I tell you something? 22 layers. Good fucking luck, buddy. I put one in the oven on my way here. No, yeah. I slow cook it. I put it on before the show. I come to Soundcheck. Yeah. Good fucking luck, your French Canadian. You'll never get up to 22 layers. You would need a goddamn crane to pull off such a feat. The lasagna. Layer. I barely know. Did your girl ever bring home any special treats from HB? Some exclusive treats, perhaps their unbelievable jalapenos stuffed peppers. Stuffed jalapenos. Poppers. It's actually my pet nickname for my girlfriend. Indeed. Yeah, she brings, we always shop at HB. What are some of your favorite things from HB? How these Canadians? What the fuck is going on here? Let's see. I'm having, hey, Adam, eat it. Be quiet. I'm having trouble thinking of a specific thing, but she just went through the management training. And I know that they like spend years with like a group of scientists developing their products. Yes, they did. As good if not better than like normal products like Doritos. They only hold Doritos because then everybody needs to still shop at HB because they want to. Harlan did with the program, man. Yeah, so it's like science food. Yeah. Yeah. That's the perfect way to describe it. But like they'll develop a product for years before they release it, making sure that it's superior to whatever they're trying to replicate. So like, look, it's, it's, it's real. So does what you have to understand is that it's real and it's a fucking anomaly. And you kind of hear about it when you first get here, you know, I'm red band and I've been here five fucking years now and you learn a lot, HB and for five years and different HBs actually have different specialists and chefs and cooks and stuff that specialize in different things. For example, speaking of Bernie, I was at my buddy's ranch in Bernie a couple weeks ago and it turns out their bakery is literally out of fucking control to where the guy, my buddy nix dad is like, Hey, man, you got to try these motherfucking snickerdoodles, baby. And I'm like, well, I'm not a big cookie guy. I'm not into sweets. He's like, no, you got to try the fucking snickerdoodles from the HB, baby. The lady at the bakery at this HB here in Bernie out of good fucking control. And I swear to God, I like 72 fucking snickerdoodle cookies. It was, it was like, I was wasted on snickerdoodles. What does HPB even say? HP, it's pronounced HPV is what it is. And you guys don't you guys, up death with this. I'm just saying, take this grocery store name in vain. What does it mean? What is it? What is it? So human health, all over the place. People call it, hear everything's better, but I believe it's just after somebody's name. It is and you're not going to believe the name. I believe it is, is it Herbert? Herbert? E. Butts. Ladies and gentlemen, B.U. T.T. S. Motherfuckers. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. I want to show that there's red bands one fart noise. Thank you. No. Buttered, the buttered tortilla is my girlfriend next fraction. Yeah. Abs of butt. The place goes wild. And refresh. I know. And again, I imagine that the people listening around the world right now we're going, shot the fuck up. There's no way you guys have a superior grocery store. Fuck you. We do. It's an anomaly. It's just one of the things. We also, as you may know, a superior gas station. Our grocery stores, our gas station, our tax breaks, our real estate, our booming economy, so many things are better here in Texas. Herbert, my God. I shot down the street at Wally eats ass. How about that? Yeah. Oh, it's Howard. I've been, I thought it was Herbert because that sounds cooler than Howard, but it's Howard ebutts. Yeah. Howard ebutts. Yeah. Howard ebutts. My girlfriend and I were going to have her move up to Chicago in June if something didn't take off comedy-wise for me. And she was like, I don't know where I'm going to work, where I'm going to shop. And I was just like, yeah, we got Jew Lasco, but that sucks compared to H.E.B. Yeah. There's no comparison. Are you sure you're just not a valley and key lago? Do you have that vibe? Somehow you look like you might be, guy. Yeah. It's a golf caddy. Are there any promising golf caddy positions here in Los Angeles? I'm not going to get Spanish oaks. Oh, nice. So you already work here? Fucking perfect, man. So I go six months at a time. You're doing it. You're doing it. Oh, I played at least a month of golf I ever have now at a caddy. So like, bogey golf, but I was like a ten in college. So good enough to keep up and have fun. Perfect. You smash it. Yeah. Yeah. You do, Jack. Congratulations, Jack. A fantastic performance. Jack, are you around Wednesday for a secret show? Yes, sir. Boat. And join the secret show. Boat. Very possibly the newest door guy here at the mothership. Here's a big joke, but my friend. Boom. Jack McWilliams, getting real gigs. That's how possible things are with just a little bit of jokes and mental stability. You can actually have good things happen to you on this show. This bucket pool is representing the inside, but I believe they've already wrangled her ladies and gentlemen representing the audience. Make some noise for Paul Live, everybody. Here we go. Hi. Hi. I'm going to do something a little different here. I'm not going to talk about the number one topic usually on this show, which is Dix. I'm going to talk about a former Olympic sport. You might not notice, but I was a competitive athlete at one point. I'm kind of surprised too. Anybody want to guess what sport that might have been? No. Synchronized swimming. That's what made me question the Olympics. If I could do it, I'm not convinced. So what made me realize that I couldn't take my gift to the next step was because I hated getting my hair wet. One more. One more joke. All right. I'm going to save you here, Paula. Go ahead. And now, even though the bear is played, do the one more. How long do you think the one more is? Just 20 seconds. OK, here we go. 20 seconds, Paula. Have you noticed anything last anymore? Your car, five to seven years, your phone, two to three years, your washing machine, five years. It's a revolving door for constant revenue. I think it all started with tidy whiteies. They were white. And oh, there was one more part to that. Anyway, it was impossible to hide your biohazards. All right, Paula. Chimney Crickets. Good Lord almighty, Paula. I got to tell you, you are the opposite of an H-E-B. Paula, grab that microphone. You're in the interview part now. Have you ever done stand up before? Never. What made you want to sign up for this here tonight? What in the world would make you want to sign up for this? I watched the show for at least five years. And I thought it would be kind of fun. How did it feel? How does it feel? You're in it right now. I was a little nervous back there, but it's OK. OK, Paula, let's talk about your life. You've seen the show. Obviously, the set didn't go that good, but you can save it with an amazing interview. I got some stuff. OK, tell us about your life, Paula. All right. I like your haircut. Thank you. You look like what Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction would have looked like if she would have died all the way from the overdose. If she vaulted in hitter right in the heart with that syringe, that would have been you. It's nice to see the child catcher from Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang, Bang, Making a comeback. What is Chitty, Chitty? What he wasn't even old. Lollipops, ice cream, all three today. What are these references? Lollipops, ice cream, come on children, all three today. We're going to have to overlay on the YouTube show. We're going to have to... One of the worst villains of all time, the child catcher, from Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang. I don't know anything about that. Top hat on that? That's it. LAUGHTER Oh my god, I do see it. What? Red man has pulled it up and indeed you look like the children. Lollipop, ice cream, all three today. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Children, come out, children. OK, all right. We get the... Well, it's going off better than her, actually. LAUGHTER And by the way, can you do one more when you haven't done the first one yet? LAUGHTER Oh, great. Lollipops, ice cream, all three today. Children, it's incredible. Harlan is so funny that he's able to kill with an impression that nobody's ever even seen before. Right. This is amazing. Saipala, tell us about your life. What's in a fun fact about your life? Um... My dad's brother was killed by the mob. Oh my god. Wow, you saw... Oh, I fucked up. Yeah. LAUGHTER Lollipops. Grave young, shallow graves, all three today. OK, but what about you, Paula? Let's talk about you. Do you look like you've been through about nine or ten divorces or something like that? No, I'm kidding. All right, let's hear it, Paula. What you've been doing with your life? Uh, I've been on Steve Harvey before. What were you doing on Steve Harvey show? Um... Devorsing Peeley Herman. LAUGHTER She said she was on Steve Harvey. I... Put it together. I... I submitted an Ask Steve. OK. And then they called me and they interviewed me and then we did that on the show. OK. All right. What was the... What did you want to ask Steve? It was... It was probably back in like 2015 or 2016, but it was something about... It was when one of our kids was in college and he lived in a walk-up and we had never been in the place, but we were paying the rent and he... Um... wouldn't let us in. We had to sit on the stoop. And so that's what the question was regarding and then Steve Harvey went... All right, Paula. Jesus, close amazing, Paula. Sorry. Are you sure you've seen this show, Paula? Yes. OK. All right. How many kids do you have? Two. What did you do for work your entire life? Um... She's got all the kids. She's the child catcher. Oh, OK. All right. Enough of the... I'll do it again. You're fit. You're fit. OK. We got... All right. Oh, three. Very good. Answer the fucking question, Paula. I tried. I was a fitness trainer for a while. OK. Fitness trainer. And then what? You got married? Stop working? Head kids? No. No. I was just... When my kids were older. OK. How old are your kids now? Um, one that's almost 40 and one that's in his 30s. OK. Cool. And you have a boyfriend now? I'm married. You're married. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? I don't. I'm... OK. I'm Jesus. Fucking Christ. Paula, here's a little joke. Get out of here. Get off of me. Here's a little joke. But can you catch? Here we go. Oh! Oh! She's in the beginning. Paula saved her. He looked at great catch. She really is an athlete. Jesus. Fucking Christ. Some wild bucket pulls tonight, folks. This is what the show is. Sometimes it's home-run derby and sometimes it's strike out city. I never know what's going to happen here. All right. It appears to be your final bucket pull of the night. Your third female comedian of the night goes by the name of Jenny and everybody. Here we go. Hi, everybody. Paula. So I've been thinking about my celebrity doppelganger. And I finally found it. It's the nerd emoji. Yeah, I've been a nerd for a really long time. Back when the internet asked women one question, you probably know, was it hot? Were you hot or were you not? Yeah, I was on a scale of one to ten. And I was a nine. Yeah, don't laugh. I was nine years old. Okay, Epstein. Now I'm an adult and the internet asked me more questions like, what's your name? What's your social security number? Are you a girl boss? Are you a tradwife? And I'm like, I'm single and tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm outsourcing all my decisions to AI. I'm scared I'm actually turning into a robot. Eventually, I think the question might be, are you hot or not? But are you a bot or not? Yeah, thank you. God, fucking strike me down. Just slit my fucking throat. I think I might be able to save this one. Can I see your picture here? If you do the fucking thing, I'm going to blow my brains out. Oh my god, you're going to be... All three today to this... I saved it. Fuck off, I saved. That is amazing. Jenny Ann, you've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, I sold a 69 Mustang on your show. Oh, that's right. You pitched a 69 Mustang and then you ended up selling it. Yeah, to a dad and his sons and they're going to fix it up. Nice, very good. How exciting. What else is going on in your life, Jenny? You've had enough time to maybe think about what else you could have talked about in the interview. You could have talked about in the interview portion of this show since the last time you were on. Any fun facts about your life or anything interesting about you? I don't know where to begin. Any one of the things would be where to begin. Any one of the things. I used to run a lot and I ran in college and then after college. I was briefly a shoe model for Hocus-Sews. Oh, wow. How much did that pay? How much is a shoe model pays? Is your face and the things or is it like? No, you know. We were chased by a giant marshmallow to explain how soft Hocus-Sews was. Wow, well, I have good news. The giant marshmallows sits right next to me now. This is him. Damn you ghost buster. It's not like a shoe model. A man can do that, right? It was just the shoe. It was just us. We ran around on a track and a giant marshmallow. How about anything else interesting about you, Jenny Ann? Anything else about your life? What's your dating life? You seem like the third craziest woman that's been on the show tonight. Thank you. My dating life is, I'm starting to date more. What are you doing to do that? Are you on the apps or something? Yeah, I am on the apps. Okay. Is your avatar the nerd emoji? What is your bio say on these apps? Basically looking for someone who likes to make things and go on long walks and get coffee. Wow. This is so boring. This is one foxy dork right here, Tony. Jesus Christ. Are we hidden it off? Yeah, like keep looking at me. I'm married. I can't, but God damn. No. I still think she's like a dominatrix or something. I think she's got a Gilligan's Island fetish. Oh. Another super topical Harlan reference. We've eaked our way to the early 70s ladies in gentlemen. I'm this close to pulling out the lullaby. Oh my God. All right. So Jenny, give us an example. Like the last date that you went on, what was that? You matched with somebody and then you met them for coffee or something. Yeah, we went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake. Okay. Don't worry, I'm not the lady bird Lake killer. All right. Keep going. Keep going, Jenny. That's not funny. Just keep going. It's just crazy. It's crazy what's going on here tonight. It's the least funniest people I got. I'm going to sign up for Gilltony. I've never had narcolepsy would I think I'm about to get it real quick. Yeah. Oh, see? That's for... What? Okay. Let him sleep before he does the lullaby pop slinger. Lullaby pop. Hi. You all feet, day children. All right. Okay. So Jenny, you went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake. And then the date... Oh, good. What happened? I told him about what I did last week. Uh-huh. What did you do the week before? I went to Las Vegas to help sell AI guns. Okay. All right. Okay. So then, what happened on the fucking day, Jenny? Jesus, God. Somehow I made him laugh. All right. Tony, she's boring. Yeah, it is incredible. God damn, she's... Jenny, last question I could possibly ask you before we... I think this might be a new thing, just the new way to year program. Before I put you on a year of no sign-up allowance. Break back. Blacklist. Give us something fucking interesting about your entire life. Anything could work right now. Anything. It was the car, wasn't it? You sold a Mustang and that was it. That was your entire personality last time you were on. And now you're back. Yeah, I'm back. What... You've seen the show before. I watch it every Monday. And you see, like, I'll ask somebody a question and then they'll answer honestly. And I'll say something. It's very, honestly. Okay, most interesting thing about your fucking life. 200 Body Count. Again, we keep answering for you here, Jenny, and you're not saying anything while claiming that you're answering honestly. It's normally not this hard. You can say anything. Any fucking thing. Any fucking thing about your entire fucking life. I think it's interesting that I sold AI guns last week. Okay, there she goes. Jenny, and I hear. You'll have to wait a year to see her bigger turn. Holy shit. There she goes. God, she... What the fuck? You know, if I was a fan of this show, I'd be thinking maybe it's burnt out. You know what I mean? Maybe just maybe. Maybe they ran their course. In the end, it was just a bunch of crazy people signing up for the chance to do a minute. But let me remind you, we find stars almost every other week or so. There's another fucking absolute monster, monster comedian that we find. Dedric Flynn has the week off. He's in Atlanta with his family. For those of you that are fans of the show, may I say, we have a book to recommend. The great Louis CK wrote a book. It's called Ingram, everybody. I read it. It's amazing. You should read it. Why not read a book while listening to your favorite podcast, Kiltoni? How about a hand for Louis CK, ladies and gentlemen? It's an amazing book. You're going to love it. Harlan, where were you going to say there? No, it's the moment's passage. I just say this was more like entertaining than... Yeah, it literally was the highlight of her set. That was the most interesting thing she did, really. Yeah. Anyway. We can always count on our regulars, the great Ari Maddie performed earlier, and the only way to end a show like this is with the Hall of Famer, with the record for the most appearances on this show. The most interviews during this show in this show's history. And he is here again, ladies and gentlemen, closing us out. It's the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the... The... The... Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. The Louvre. Did you all know that a woman discovered Kevlar? And then she said, I'll just turn this into a little vest. I recently asked chat GPT if A.I. would one day replace Red Bay and's job as podcast producer. and it responded, you mean Red Band hasn't been replaced yet? I watched Donnie Darko dubbed in French the other day and I definitely didn't know what the fuck was going on. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs a sit on the couch and watch Bravo bra. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs a call the American Idol hotline and issue a Bob Thread bra. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Dodie. And an out, William Montgomery. William, have you watched any of tonight's show? Have you seen any of it? Sometimes you're so just a little of it. I haven't been paying attention, but what a bunch of weirdo people, right? Psycho bitches. Psycho bitches. That last girl, she seemed strange when she was walking out. I just touched her shoulder just trying to be nice. And then I went on with what I was doing and I turned around and she was just sitting there staring at me. I was like, okay, bitch, keep walking. I was trying to be nice. I was trying to be nice, bitch. What the fuck? It is wild. Proof that the bucket is real that anything can happen because if these things were pre-picked or produced at all, clearly none of that. I like Demo Majok, the extremely black man. And yeah, the catty, the Jack McWilliams was fun. But then there's this buddy. You and Ari Maddie. Yeah, well, I've been so busy up there. I've been hanging out with Ari Maddie's friend also from Estonia. He will not get off my back in the green room. He's...it's Tony. There's an Estonian comedian that's annoying you in the green room. It's really...no, I'm kidding. He's very nice. I only briefly said hello, but he's... I think... Oh, yeah, Tony, what have I been doing up there tonight, Tony? I'm trying to even think about what I've even been doing up there tonight. I had not a lot. You're affecting me. You've been doing in the green room while we've been taping the show? Huh? Nothing. All right. William, how's life been going for you? What have you been up to? Not good, Tony. Well, it's not funny. No, not good. I gotta snap out of it. I've done the fucking row machine in three weeks. I've been fucking... What made you stop rowing? Get my sciatic nerve. And then I just... I was worried. I was gonna just stop doing it. Now I've just stopped doing it. So I've got to get back. I'm in this horrible fuck. I've been in it for three weeks now. So I just got to get out of it, Tony. I've been on fucking eBay. I bought all the fucking Oriental Rugs. I can literally fit in my place. And now I'm on to lamps. I'm buying up a lamp on fucking eBay. But I'm a little worried because I got this really cool, kind of old-school-looking asterisk. And I got... The package finally arrived today and it was broken. Why didn't you buy it from me, William? We're fucking friends, man. Yeah, you could go to Nick Rishafort San Teak Store at Shamanix. The clockery talk about you told me. No, you don't have very good-looking Rugs. I looked at your fucking Rugs, dumbass. I have good-looking Rugs, I'm... He is great-rugs. C-H-A-M-O-N-I-X House. Shamanix House. And you went on a fucking eBay behind my back. Yeah, I got a fucking eBay and they smell like shit. All of them smell like shit. They all smell moldy. I should have bought one for you. What kind of lamps have you bought off eBay this week? Oh my gosh, I got one that looks like a duck. A brass-looking duck. I've got a one that looks like another Oriental. It's another Oriental thing. It looks like a... It's some sort of cookie jar. It's some sort of jar. Yeah, I got to get a... I got to get a lampshades. I've been looking on this lampshade website and that's real kind of boring. I mean, they got different kind of lampshades. They got ones that kind of look like a cylinder. They also got ones with like a small top. Yeah, what else? What other kinds do they have? I don't know. Fucking make something appear. It's getting a laugh. Like spherical... More shit. Yeah. There's also a... Fiber optic stuff. Yeah, I'm getting fiber optic out in my apartment, Tony. Sorry, yeah. It's just so boring. It's hard to even do that. I heard... I saw someone on social media the other day that you were sitting in your living room the other night and an owl smashed into your window. Is that true? It is true and it's very weird. I didn't know who's a demonic kind of thing. I didn't really understand, because I've literally in my car recently, all these birds hit my side window. Oh my god. Literally when I met like a red light, birds will just start going into my fucking side window. And now it's happening in my apartment. And now it's happening with owls. Now it's happening with hawks. Now it's happening with all different kinds of birds they have around here, seriously. You're not getting an Alfred Hitchcock, are you? Another old reference. Ooh. It's the late 50s, no big deal. You wanna go to Arby's side? Yeah. Double beef and cheddar. Who's steak bites? I love the Arby's steak bites. Oh you do? What else do you love from Arby's? Well the fuck is your mocha shake to me? Whoa! No, but that's all I really love. I really do love it, your mocha shake. That's it? I can just do that right there. What do they call it? No nothing else from Arby. What do you call them? A Jomoka shake! He called it! That's how I ordered them. And the birds are fucking flying into my window, dying, seriously. It's been a weird, that's why I've been down recently Tony. It's weird. Birds have been flying into your windows. Correct. And it's now it's on some social media stuff. There must be something you heard about that, Hwai. I saw that. I also heard an ostrich, an ostrich rain up your ass. Well, is there something that you're leaving out perhaps? Do you have some type of food that you've left out? Why would birds fly into your windows? Is there something going energy thing I think, Tony? Wow, I'm worried about, yeah. Don't they say it? And a bird flies into your house. I mean, somebody's going to die. And I don't want to be morbid, but isn't that like a thing? Yeah. God, I've been watching a whole bunch of fucking police cam videos. That's what I've been doing. And dear Lord, Tony, right before this again, I kind of haven't been feeling great. And I'm watching this one. I didn't even click on the next video. Just goes on. And it's these two police officers. And there's this crazy guy who won't roll down the window. And he's a give the life, the fucking driver's license. And then they end up breaking out the window. And then he shoots the one guy in the neck and the stomach. And then it shows the process of them blocking off the roads with the other police cruisers from their fucking police cams. It was police cams everywhere. But it kind of didn't help my mood before I got here. What's that got to do with a bird? A lot of people say you laugh like an owl. Okay. Well, I mean, stupid. I recommend the book, respond. Ingram by Louis CK one more time since a lot of people have decided to take up a reading instead of watching Kill Tony. We want to say a fun farewell to the millions of people that believed in us for a long time. William, you might have to start rowing again, buddy. Yeah, I have to. Yeah, I have. Yeah. Well, do you think I noticed that three weeks ago you stopped rowing. Three weeks ago was also about the same timeline as that one show that you did. Do you think? Do you think? Do you think there's any correlation to you stopping working out birds flying into your windows? Do you think there's any correlation between what is being considered? You know, a very viral moment for you. And all of these things birds flying into your windows owls. All these. Tearing up. He's tearing up. Oh, he's not. Oh, my God. Are you trying to make yourself cry? Put a spell on you, Will. William, are you trying to make yourself cry right now? Some witch did. I don't try to make yourself cry. This is the first in the history of the show. William has never gone to acting school. He's never taken an acting class. He's never talked to an acting coach. And he's trying to make himself cry. I was really crying the other morning, Doni. Tell us why you were crying. No. Come on. It's okay. You tell us. No. Come on. I can never. Not in this situation. No. All right. Yeah. Well, the world. What the fuck? No. You stupid asshole. Somebody killed this guy! I'm here to help you. William, I'm coming. This is another episode of Doni. Brought you back. Spreads VPN and shop up by the Moody Center is New Year's Eve. The driver Brian J. Belldazent. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Ooh, it's him. No breaks. Look at that. Guys, make sure you listen to the Harland Highway podcast with Harland Williams. Harland, anything else you want to plug? You're on tour. I'm on tour. I'm doing theaters with the killers of Kill Tony. And in 2026, I will be doing my own commzilla comedy tour all over the country. Check out HarlandWyems.com. And lastly, my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman is coming out in 2026. Keep your eyes open for it. It's going to be great. Harland directed and wrote the movie. It is incredible. Thank you. Nick Roche, support ladies and gentlemen, is on the scuffed real tour. Tell them we're thinking of tickets for that. You can get tickets at ShamanixHouse.com. I appreciate it. Thank you. Head over there by Antiques and by tickets to a comedy show like a weirdo. He really does have his own very successfully and teak store. It is cool as hell. Check out ShamanixHouse, C-H-A-M-O-N-I-X. House on Instagram and the website. Thank you to ExpressVPN and Shopify and RedBand. Check out SunsetStreep ATX.com. Love you guys. We did it again. One more time, Moody Center. New Year's Eve. It's your last chance to see a Killtony live in 2025. Thank you live audience. We'll see you guys again soon. Good night, everybody. Bye. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out RedBand's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Go to SunsetStreep ATX.com for tickets to a comedy show. Emers yourself in herbal essences new Moroccan organ oil elixir. Infused with pure organ oil, just one drop. 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