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That's why I encourage you to have your kids Join over 15 million other students who use IxL IxL is an award-winning online learning platform that you can customize for your child's learning style and your busy spring schedule IxL can be used by any student from K to 12 whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling So let IxL help you finish the year strong and build your child's confidence with school IxL personalizes learning for each child keeps them engaged and gives parents clear insight into progress Whether reviewing earlier concepts or tackling new material IxL adapts to each child's pace with no pressure Make an impact on your child's learning get IxL now Comparenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IxL membership when you sign up today at IxL.com slash Kirk visit IxL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price So you know this look your child's face is red eyes on fire mouth spitting venomous words Here she is no longer rational anymore screaming at you timeouts and talking just make it worse But I don't want you to dread this I want you to look forward to this as a huge Opportunity to hear your child screaming to you Desperate for your help to learn how to control their own emotions Because we try reasoning, but that only makes it worse and as our kids escalate you have no idea what to do Your first thought is to get them to calm down and stop but in the course of trying to change their behavior You lose control of yours. We've all been there So how can you turn these moments in the bonding opportunities? How can we actually use these awful situations as Opportunities that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the calm parenting podcast Welcome. This is Kirk Martin founder celebrate calm You can find us and our winter sale at celebrate calm calm. So let's talk about these lovely situations You always dreamed about when thinking about having kids this son or daughter That you have sacrificed so much for is now screaming sometimes venomous words at you Look most of the time this is not defiance and a quick aside here for perspective Look if your toddler is screaming. I hate you mommy. That's just a very smart way for your child to get under your skin And try to change your decision don't fall for that don't react if your child is being Demanding or even disrespectful you simply remind them hey, that's not gonna work here Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna grab a drink Let me know if you want to try that differently and get a different result if your 20 year old is living at home And disabays your rules and yells at you. You can very matter of faculty say hey, this arrangement isn't working for us Here are two options. You are welcome to live here if you can follow our Reasonable rules or we can help you find an alternative Living arrangement, but this is not going to work So you don't have to give in you don't have to baby kids if they're being entitled or pectoral and or defiant We've done entire podcasts on defiance even ones recently we have an entire program called stop defiance and disrespect as well This though is not a tantrum we're talking about Tantrums are rational they're manipulative the child purposefully just wants to wear you down Until you give in they do this in public a lot. It's awesome So don't give in remember these phrases your mood does not determine my mood your behavior does not change my Behavior your tantrums. It's just never gonna work with me. See there's no Complaining whining pleating. You're just letting know this is how I roll now meltdowns though We're different because they are Irrational and emotional and sometimes there's no clear reason for it Your child just kind of loses it and just as tantrums provide an opportunity they do Moms and dads I know you don't like the tantrums, but look at them as an opportunity So look instead of dreading them so much I can't believe that you would have a tantrum over this Why can't you just be grateful? They're an opportunity to prove? Hey, I keep my word. I'm not moved. I don't give in I problem solve Meltdowns are opportunities to build a closer relationship with your child and Equip them with lifelong problem solving skills. That's what I'm really after and when you master how to do this You will see these as fantastic opportunities So think about this when kids get upset they are emotionally on fire If your child were physically on fire, what would your immediate instinct be? Well, stop dropping roll put out the fire But that's not what we do when our kids get upset. It's almost like we react by yelling at them while they're being scorched by flames Right like you know how many times I told you not to play with matches son great Now you're gonna burn to death and dinner's gonna be ruined Hope you're proud of yourself because that's come times what we do when your kids are upset and melting down This is what I want you to hear sometimes instead of hearing your child screaming at you Hear your child screaming out to you for help because most of the time Your child is looking at you and this is what they're really saying. I am so frustrated. I'm angry I'm stressed right now. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to handle this I don't know what to do my whole world is out of control and it's spinning and it's scary And I need you to be the movable rock in my life who can give me some wisdom and tools to help me to know what to do But all too often and there's no blaming guilt in this they look up and what do they see the grownup the adult out of control as well And that's why an upset child will often get even more combustible Because you know what's happening. It's like I'm four or I'm 14 I don't know what to do right now and I'm looking to you for help and you don't know what to do and you start yelling at me And it just escalates because I used to just do the same thing case he was doing I would react out of my own anxiety and lash out at him And I know your kid's behavior isn't right. It isn't pleasant But if you listen with wise ears You will hear a plea for help a plea to give them tools to deal with that frustration See the disrespectful tone and words are not the issue How to deal with the underlying frustration anger anxiety That's the issue and this is the pivotal point for you and for me as the adults Are you going to take this personally? Are you going to react and push your child away in anger? Right like go to your room or are you going to take the time to teach your child tools to calm himself or herself Look many of us says kids we had parents who simply shut down our emotions Because they couldn't handle it emotionally and they just wanted anything emotionally uncomfortable To stop But that just creates kids who don't know how to speak up So they often turn that anger inward They never learn how to get their needs met they often marry a controlling spouse Or work for someone who takes advantage of them and they become emotionally stunted for yet another generation But you and I have a huge opportunity to break those old patterns So I do want to be clear look if your kids are outright to find there's going to be an apology A consequence you just don't let it go But I'm not going to try to reason with or deliver consequences to a child in an emotional state Right then it just adds fuel to the fire you may as well just bang your head with a brick instead Because it'll have the same effect But this is a wonderful opportunity to teach a new life skill to your child So think of it this way when your child yells or lashes out learn to see it as a smoke signal Our kids flare-ups are another way of sending a flare-up or warning to alert us to an emotional accident The hitting screaming kicking biting they're all outward manifestations of something that's bothering the child inside Again, it's not an excuse But it is a signal that something's going on because they don't have the maturity yet to say mother Father I'm feeling quite irritable and overwhelmed right now because my stomach is upset or I'm feeling I'm feeling frustrated and anxious because something just changed and I don't know how to handle it and this new New thing just changed all of a sudden and I'm not good at handling that Could we please retire to the den and talk about this? So they they can't say that so outcomes all the Ick the Ick directed at you isn't the real issue I want you to discover and deal with whatever is causing that underlying Ick That's why I don't like sending kids to their bedrooms when they're having meltdowns Now it's okay. Look if you need to do that as a first step Just to create some space and time by all means do it But I do want to go to the next level so how do you put out that emotional fire in the moment? I used to wake up congested and sneezing every morning until we began using our air doctor air purifier That was three years ago We immediately noticed reduced allergy symptoms better sleep and cleaner air for our family Air doctor's powerful three-stage filtration captures extremely small particles about a hundred times smaller than what typical air purifiers can remove Air doctor captures airborne contaminants you don't want to breathe in Dust pollen mold spores pet dander bacteria viruses and more It's partially why air doctor one newsweeks readers choice award for best air purifier Head to air doctor pro.com and use promo code calm to get up to three hundred dollars off today Air doctor comes with a thirty-day money back guarantee plus a three-year warranty and eighty four dollar value free Get this exclusive offer now at air doctor pro.com using promo code calm So when kids get upset especially younger kids we often say honey use your words use your words But you know what your kids are thinking in the moment you don't want me to use my words right now Because if I do you'll ground me for those words that's because when kids are upset the part of the brain Responsible for language shuts down. It makes kids more frustrated or we say hey Go sit and time out and think about your actions But you can't think through your actions when you're that upset or frustrated It makes kids angrier when we react to their meltdowns It creates a great deal of instability for kids which is why they're screaming often gets louder So just think what's happening here the child is thinking I'm so angry or frustrated upset I don't know what to do with that And you just tell me to calm down calm down But I don't know how and our son at one point said and you know what you're thirty-five Apparently you haven't mastered that skill either right because we're yelling at them So you know the phrase that we like motion changes emotion Motion or movement is a tool we give kids to help them calm down Movement or physical activity is a tool that helps kids transition from being upset or irrational To a calm rational state. So I never want to stand toe-to-toe with an upset child It's never worked since the beginning of time Instead, I want to move them out of the physical mental emotional and psychological place where they are At the moment So here's some examples to use in a moment there are hundreds of examples You could like hold up a football or soccer ball and say hey I'm gonna be in the backyard when you're ready come outside and we'll play catch for a few I've got a new play. I want to try I really like the non-verbal of holding up the football because they know what you want And it reduces the amount of words. I like leading them the even tone the invitation to do something specific Not just talk about their attitude. Hey, I'm gonna dump some Legos on the floor in the living room when you're ready Let's build that spaceship. We were talking about again You're focusing on something very specific and concrete your child can do in the moment something they're good at And there's no eye contact which is critical with our kids Some kids need something more physical. I remember back in the day when we had all these kids in our home I would just start doing either some crazy jumping jacks or I get down on the floor and start doing pushups and say hey Butch can't do 10 and that challenge sometimes was really helpful I'd often have kids do something in an obstacle course because moving heavy things is good one of my favorite phrases that I always just used was oh, I just remembered now I didn't really remember something it was buying me like three seconds to come up with something So I just remember hey dad said that he needed that bag of mulch moved or spread outside Hey, I'm not sure if you can lift something that heavy, but I know he'd appreciate it So moving heavy objects is very calming for the body getting kids outside in fresh air Changes moods now you can't always go outside because you've got multiple kids you're in middle of cooking dinner Right, and so you could say oh hey, you know Do you think you could get the spaghetti sauce for in the pantry for me and twist that top off and pour it in here See giving your kids any kind of grown-up Responsibility in the moment can also be helpful remember that mom who had said hey, I've got to call grandma real quickly Do you think you're strong enough to move the sofa in the basement to the other side of the room? Because I need to vac him down there and when mom went downstairs The daughter had moved the sofa because man that feels really good It's a way of working off your stress and frustration She was proud of herself for doing that and she actually volunteered to vac him now if mom had ever at said like honey You need to vacuum the basement the answer would have been like duh. No, I'm not doing that But in this situation it gave her something the daughter something she was in control of hey here's another Hey, I just remembered we're going fishing this weekend. Could you go organize the right fishing lures in the garage? again Give your kids something they feel in control of for older kids could be like hey I want to put this new app on my phone. Do you think you could do that for me? It's something they feel mastery of or in control of now. Why do I like this Instead of just sending my child away from me at the exact moment My child needs my help. I am drawing my child to me. I am the trusted adult who can handle them at their worst I'm communicating when your world is out of control Myzot look. I've seen this before I've done this myself before I'm not new to this see how grounding that is there's no eye contact No one wants to be watched when they're upset. There's no annoying words What right when and when your their voice has emotion in it drain the emotion out of yours That's why I want you to practice even matter of fact tone I gave the child some space to process without having to talk through it right now And I gave them actions they can do and that they feel in control of And you know what I love most is I'm giving my child specific tools So they can learn how to manage their own emotions now and in the future I'm actually showing them How to calm down and I'm modeling it myself for them now you may have notices phrase sprinkled in a couple examples Hey, when you're ready, I'm gonna be in the backyard when you're ready come in and build with Legos when you're ready Grab the salsa. I'll grab some chips Here's why this is especially powerful If you demand something of a strong will child Especially when they are emotionally on fire they will resist and dig in But when I say hey when you're ready it gives them something they feel in control of in the moment It gives them a sense of ownership of autonomy So instead of demanding do this right now which never works I give them a sense of control over themselves And it's very powerful look the whole reason I'm doing this episode is because it's really great family Email they'd let their son Dylan. Hey shout out to you my friend They'd let their son Dylan listen to our programs and the truth is he actually insisted on listening so he could quote Review the programs first because you know our kids have control issues Including you Dylan, but you're still you're an awesome kid right to so many great things about you And so the mom and dad said You listen and then tell us three things we could begin doing differently I love that So the first thing Dylan said was if you would just listen to this guy and use that when you're ready phrase It would work so much better now. I don't know if Dylan had an attitude when he he gave his three things He probably did so Dylan hey cut that out be nice to your parents But I love that they're working on this together our kids are very smart So problem solving work on these things together and here's what's inherent in that is hey tell us three things We could begin doing differently and a mom and dad you start doing it differently But inherent in that is hey and there's some things you can begin doing differently as well But you take the lead as the adults So you've heard that famous example of when our son had attitude and I was like hey When you're ready want you grab some salsa. I'll get the chips. I'll meet you on the back deck I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with and I want to break this down a little bit more than I have in the past Why like it is I gave him a simple action step that he could easily do in the moment because saying hey change your attitude Stop being disrespectful or stop being upset Well, I don't know how to do that But grabbing a jar of salsa from the refrigerator is easy. There's a quick win I didn't ask her demand that he changed his tone right away. I simply asked him to grab a jar of salsa I invited him into my call place on the deck so that I could help him not lecture him about his attitude And I and so I didn't have to do a long lecture about you should just be grateful See now I have my child moving with a specific activity in mind a purposeful focus I've moved from kind of this toxic environment where we were yelling to a new setting I've introduced some fresh air being outside if you can I've given my child an out a chance to regroup That is really important in that moment because you and I as adults in our adult relationships with our spouses Sometimes we react we say something stupid. We're embarrassed and we sometimes just want an out right So I gave him an out a chance to regroup I also gave myself an opportunity to regroup as well I'm going to go grab the chips and I'll meet you out there It's a lot better than a time out time out sit and brood over why you're in trouble And you're going to lose your screens or your snack right that never works When we sit down, I can break the ice in a more relaxed non-confrontational tone So we're sitting with our feet up eating chips and salsa Which is for at least does it's naturally relaxing just just think about this Have you ever seen two people eating chips and salsa yelling each other now right throwing a couple of margaritas and everybody's happy But honestly that dynamic is much more conducive to a conversation With problem solving than standing with my hands on hips barking at my son to change his attitude And I'm not being funny here chips and salsa saved my relationship with Casey in many ways Because I was on Casey from the moment he was born And it's like nothing he could do was ever good enough for me And I kind of crushed him at times with my words with dismissive looks But when we began learning how to problem solve and eating chips and salsa I was sitting Positive I was building him up. I was teaching him helping him Problem solving and I think the reason we are so close today is Is precisely because we shared these highly intense moments together But we learned how to work through them and so there's a bonding that happens during that time And in our home our code word when someone was getting upset was chips and salsa It was just a fun reminder to chill and problem solve So I encourage you come up with a fire drill So you are prepared. I'd have a list on your refrigerator When not if our child or if I as the adult get upset Here are five different things we could do in that moment that give us a sense of control That's very specific that doesn't always require eye contact So practice a fire drill in your home Because these situations will happen again for many of you probably later today Let your kids listen to the podcast and the programs So they learn how to control themselves and call themselves down when they're upset These are really bright kids who are good in the adult world And I so let's practice that this week I hope for all of you that your kids have some kind of intense meltdown in the next 24 hours You're welcome. They're gonna do it anyway whether I wish it upon you or not Because it is an opportunity to teach lifelong skills and for you to grow up more and have this bond with your kids Look, I appreciate you working so hard at this so much respect for you. Thanks for sharing the podcast If you need help with anything reach out to us But we love you we respect you and you're doing an awesome job moms and dads your breaking generational patterns That is so cool. All right. Talk to you next time. Love you. Bye-bye if you're not not
