Savage Love Episode 1003

You're listening to the Savage Love Cast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grownups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. If you're stuck in a relationship quandary Or if you're looking for a sexual harmony While there's nothing you can't ask On the Savage Love Cast If they can't stick to massive cocks at the subreddit rmassivecocks Which is where men with massive cocks share pictures of their massive cocks With men, or mostly men who appreciate massive cocks If they can't stick to massive cocks at rmassivecocks I don't see how I can possibly stick to dildos here Which was the promise I made you last week at the top of the show In case you missed it I try to stick to dildos around here Sticking to dildos being code for this as a sex and relationship podcast And we're going to focus on sex and relationships All of us, me and Nancy and the tech-savvy at-risk youth We really want to give you a break from the truly awful news Coming at us from seemingly everywhere right now And frankly give ourselves a break too But I find myself one week after promising you I would stick to dildos Sitting in front of this microphone again Unable to stick to dildos because of the news out of Minneapolis Because of the cold-blooded murder of another innocent person Alex Pretti, a nurse at a VA hospital Was executed by an ICE agent who has not been identified But has incredibly been reassigned, put back on the streets Pretti was a kind and decent human being Who was murdered for the crime of exercising his rights Under the First and Second Amendments His murder came three weeks after the murder on video of Renee Good And just days after the death of a Cuban immigrant in ICE custody Earlier this month, Geraldo Lunez Campos was ruled a homicide I find myself sitting here filled with just an incandescent rage And despair, unable to really think or talk about anything else And I'm not alone in the Atlantic over the weekend Charlie Wurzel wrote, the news and footage of Pretti's death Seems to have broken through the usual informational chaos On Reddit, Instagram and Facebook pages The videos of Pretti's last moments Appear to have galvanized people who don't normally engage Or post about politics After reading Wurzel's piece at the Atlantic I opened up Twitter on my phone And the very first post in my Twitter feed Was by porn star and love-cast guest Colby Jax Who had this message for his fellow gooners out there Fuck ICE I don't talk about politics much at all, but goddamn America is falling apart, wishing safety to all my brothers out there tonight And if you're one of those weird, maga porn accounts Please unfollow Then I opened Blue Sky on my phone And the very first post in my feed was by Mia Satta A reporter at The Verge who covers social media and tech I'm not gonna post screenshots for obvious reasons Satta writes, but a bunch of the top posts At r slash massive cock Our anti-ICE And anyone who defends ICE in the comments Is getting shouted down r slash massive cock isn't the only sex subreddit Satta adds that has gone abolish ICE overnight I trust Mia Satta, she is a good journalist But I decided I had to check this one out for myself So I opened our massive cock on Reddit And the very first post at the time that I opened it ICE Can Fucking Suck It Posted by personalpop7607 Including a photo of what exactly ICE can suck 8 out of 10 stars, would look at that dick pic again Next post, very next post How hard I get when I think about abolishing ICE Posted by Archimedes3001 9 out of 10 stars, would look at that dick pic again Now the headline for the third post in the feed confused me at first Fuck ICE 2nd, 3rd and 4th Then worry about fucking me Posted by Tomato1987 Along with the dick pic I read that one twice, what I think Tomato meant to say was Don't think about my dick right now, don't worry about fucking me Worry about ICE while you look at this picture of my dick Please be thinking about ICE and not my dick while you look at this picture of my dick I wanted to edit the headline I think it would have been better to go with Fuck ICE 1st, then fuck me Clear, punchier I checked out the comments Per Sata and indeed people are getting shouted down and voted down For defending ICE on Reddit at r slash massive cock Quick shout out to glumyogurt7444 Who left this comment on Tomato1987's post I'll go to the ICE protest with your loads leaking out of my pussy Hey, whatever it takes to get more people to the protests Note to the Trump administration and the quote unquote Leadership at the Department of Homeland Security If you've lost r slash massive cock If they can't stick to massive cocks at r slash massive cock You've lost the country And again, I want to thank everyone in Minnesota Who at great personal risk themselves Have taken to the streets to confront ICE And document the atrocities You are giving all of us all across the country hope JD Vance gave a speech last week calling the protesters cowards Male nurses and lesbian moms holding up their cell phones And confronting armed federal agents who can apparently kill with impunity And Scandinavian grandmothers who are out in subzero temperatures Delivering casseroles to their neighbors who are afraid to leave their houses Because of the color of their skin JD Vance called these Minnesotans cowards They are not cowards But you JD Vance You are a massive prick Coming up on today's show an 81 year old widow has taken up with her 56 year old gardener And everything was going great until a meddling priest got involved And other women don't make this Polly woman jealous Her boyfriend sleeps around fine with her But somehow their cat does And on the magnum I spoke with the hilarious and bushy stashed Eric Williams And he was just a that's a gay ass podcast We talk about cunnilingus the way only two gay men can We talk about copulatory vocalization We talk about his mustache and what else We talk about the blessedly mustache free heated rivalry My convo with Eric is on the magnum version of the show Which you can subscribe to or send as a gift to someone you know would like to hear it at savage.lo And coming up this Friday and after action report Did you know you can order a bespoke gang bang? Apparently you can But tell us how they did it Look for after action report in your feed every Friday And we are still accepting awful heart-rending breakup stories for our pre Valentine's Day show Record your worst breakup ever and send it to us at qatsavage.love Or just click the start recording link at savage.love And record your breakup story directly onto our website And if you would like me to console you personally on the Valentine's Day show Leave a call back number and I promise I will take your side We'll play as many as we can February 10th on our horrible heartbreak show And now on to this week's show Hit me with that first call, Nance This episode is brought to you by Mill Odorless, effortless, fully automated food recycler Try Mill risk-free for 90 days and get $75 off at Mill.com slash Savage And use Savage at checkout This episode is brought to you by VB Health Doctor formulated supplements that work To learn more about load boost, drive boost and soaking wet And to get 10% off visit VB.health and use the code Savage This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog or online store Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Savage To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Hi Dan, 40-something queer polyamorous cis woman here in the Southwest My nesting partner and I have been in an open polyamorous relationship For about two and a half years now We've dated and played separately and together And have had many adventures involving others, both sexual and emotional But recently we came up against a situation where I'm really having trouble wrangling my jealousy and envy We adopted a cat together when we moved into the same house And the cat has mercilessly, consistently chosen to only show affection and love to my partner Even though I'm the one that insisted, she was the one that we adopt And I scoop her litter every day She blatantly follows my partner around, talking to him constantly And shamelessly just rubs herself against him every chance she gets She asks for pets and affection from him even while he and I are actively fucking And she throws herself into his lap right on top of his dick when we're cuddling and watching TV together It's true, she'll throw me like crumbs of affection, I think to keep me appeased But it's clear that she prefers him And I often feel like my feelings are being disrespected at best And that she's intentionally trying to make me jealous at worst I feel like when you get into polyamory, people give a whole lot of advice But no one warned me that something like this could happen Alright, congratulations, you're on the Lovecast This is not a real problem And not something that you or I can control If we want to get a little woo-woo about it and zoom out to 30,000 feet Maybe this cat was a cowgirl in a past life Maybe a shitty monogamous who would get into relationships with people who were in polyrelationships In the hopes of splitting them off, lassoing them, dragging them away from their nesting partners And other partners and having them all to themselves Maybe this cat is a reincarnated cowgirl as they're called, or cowboy as they're called in polyamorous communities Or maybe it's just a fucking cat And cats like dogs sometimes have favorites And cats and dogs, unlike humans, don't have the filter Don't know that they shouldn't just be honest or just show favoritism to their favorite human And there's nothing you can do to control that, so stop trying to control it You don't sound like you're too miserable, it just sounds like since there's actually no problem In your relationship, in your other relationships, in the sex you're having together And separately with and without your partner That you're not encountering any friction, but you really wanted to be a part of the show So you called in about your cat doing things cats do that humans can't control But otherwise, congratulations You have a successful, long-term, polyamorous relationship with your nesting partner And you have no problems on the sex and relationship front You just have this imaginary problem, this non-problem on the pet front The less charitable read of this question, your call to the show is that As they say, as the monogamous say about us, we poly people love drama And where drama is absent, we will generate it or engineer it or lean into it And if you're really feeling wronged by this cat, well then you are confirming that stereotype About poly people, that we love drama Don't confirm the stereotype, don't confirm their priors, be chill about the cat Hi Dan, I'm here with my friend Neil And we were just wondering the ins and outs of asexuality Like what does it mean? Do they masturbate? Do they have sex at all? What does it mean exactly to be asexual? Asexuality like sobriety is a spectrum I'm old fashioned, I like it when words mean specific things I like it when somebody describes themselves or identifies or tells me that they're a lesbian That means that they date and fuck women pretty much exclusively But I've heard from so many lesbians at the Lovecast and through the column over the decades Who use lesbian to mean something other than exclusively attracted to other women And there's just tons of examples of this everywhere, especially now Where identity is sacred and people get to identify however they want to identify Even if they have interests or characteristics or other identity traits that seem to disqualify them from certain categories So what does asexuality mean? People who are ace, people who are asexual experience little to no sexual attraction Little to no, you could drive a truck through little to no Someone who experiences absolutely no sexual attraction, doesn't understand it Doesn't want to fuck anybody, doesn't ever want to be fucked And then there's somebody who has low libido And both can and many do identify as asexual even though those seem to me like different categories But as an identity that people can form community around and have a proactive positive identity Instead of a negative, you're not just somebody with a low libido or no libido You're not just somebody who doesn't want to fuck your ace and asexual I get it, I understand, it's important And while I was dubious about asexuality when it first sort of burst 20, 25 years ago And thought this was just another word for closeted or afraid to share your sexual desires I now know, thanks to the research particularly conducted by Lori Brodo at the University of British Columbia That it is a real sexual orientation, about 1% of the population Do ace, people masturbate? Some of them for reasons, prostate health maybe Some of the ace guys masturbate, should have about 15, 20 orgasms a month to lower your chances of prostate cancer as you get older So keep beating it, guys And some people who are ace have sex for non sexy, not experiencing sexual desire reasons In the same way some people who are not ace, allo, we're called people who are sexual As supposed to asexual are allosexual because we have to have as many syllables as possible at all times being tossed around Some of those people who are allo have sex for reasons that aren't about desires Sometimes people have sex because they want to please their partner, not necessarily themselves And there are a lot of ace people out there who are not aromantic Which is a whole other thing A lot of ace people out there who want partners and want their partners to be happy And some ace people are aromantically attracted to people who are not asexual And want to keep them in their lives and please them and derive that, you know Maintenance sex always sounds like it's a chore in a nightmare when people talk about it But I've had a lot of maintenance sex, I'm in a very long term relationship And sometimes I have maintenance sex and I feel really good about it afterwards Because it pleased my partner, pleased my husband, pleased my boyfriend And made them happy and making them happy makes me happy So even when I wasn't quite feeling it sexually, maybe I went through the sexual emotions for them Without rubbing their noses in the fact that I was going through the motions for them And I was pleased by the pleasure I gave them And a lot of ace people who are in mixed ace-allo relationships can and do that for their partners You can't just say no asexual people have sex Lots of asexual people have sex Sort of broad category, the broad definition, low or no sexual interest Where I get into trouble Somebody who's ace and doesn't realize it until they've formed a long-term relationship with someone who's al-allo Coming out as ace doesn't mean your partner has to be monogamous to you for the rest of your life Coming out as ace for you means that you don't want to fuck ever again Also, I was talking to somebody very recently who identified as asexual in high school Because they were just not ready to be seen as sexually available And asexuality as an identity, particularly for this person who's very young, was a refuge It was a timeout, it was a way of stepping out of the sexual politics And hooking up and partnering with people in his high school were doing that he didn't want any part of yet And I think that if some people briefly and temporarily find asexual identity to be a comfort Even if it's they know, and even if it's not true in the long run, I think that's a benefit But the movement to destigmatize asexuality and raise awareness of asexuality has brought to people who may not themselves be asexual And it is a credit to the asexual community and asexual discourse and asexual activists That someone like my friend who just wasn't ready had that, had that word that he could use, he could deploy Had that identity that he could embrace while it worked for him, doesn't work for him anymore Anyway, thanks for your call, next time you're drunk, remember our number, give us another call, happy to answer any questions I love drunk questions, love drunk callers, please, drunk dial me people We use Squarespace for my band and there is no way we would have been able to figure this out ourselves Squarespace just does it, and if video is a part of your venture, Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your work Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall Make some money, why don't you? Head on over to Squarespace.com slash Savage for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain That's Squarespace.com slash Savage and use the offer code Savage Hi, I'm 81 years old and my husband died in May last year, and I've discovered that my gardener of 15 years who is 56 years old enjoys giving me sexual happiness He has for about four months, just about once a week, and then recently he said he went to a Catholic priest who told him he shouldn't have sex with me anymore And he is being disrespectful to his wife, he seems to enjoy our sex And yet he says that he should possibly stop, although he does enjoy it What do you think that I should do, or should I ask him or tell him not to come back? First, I'm very sorry for your loss, and even though maybe your gardener isn't doing right by his wife, I'm really happy for you, but maybe temporarily you found some joy and sexual pleasure in the arms of your much younger man Oh my god, this age gap lady, the internet will jump on you, glad you found sexual pleasure with him But what was his priest really supposed to say? Like, dude is cheating on his wife with a client, and of course a priest is going to tell him that that's not okay And it isn't okay by the gardener's wife, you aren't responsible for the choices your gardener makes, including the choice to sleep with a client And you don't know, I don't know what's going on in his marriage, how long they've been married, what arrangement they might have, whether the relationship is mostly companionate now and not sexual anymore Whether it's low conflict or high conflict, whether it's DADT or his wife is Tali, you don't know that? I don't know that I think there's some evidence in the fact that the gardener went to his priest to talk about it, that he's experiencing some internal conflict about his actions and wanted a moral authority figured away at and tell him what he knew he was going to tell him Like, he went to his priest to talk about the fact that he's fucking a client, he knew the priest was going to tell him to knock it off So that's evidence that that's what he wanted to be told to knock it off, and rather than going to you and saying, this is wrong and I don't want to do it anymore, he went to you and said, you know, he sort of outsourced He externalized this internal conflict that he was feeling and got a priest to tell him, stop this, and he was able to go to you and say, hey, I would like, if it were up to me, I would keep fucking you, but my priest told me I can't keep fucking you And so what do you do? I don't know, you grieve what now can't be, Gardner can't fuck you anymore, you keep him in your employ if it doesn't feel weird or you don't feel judged or shamed or in any way menace or threatened by him I don't think he should lose his job because he provided you with a bonus service that you appreciated and enjoyed for a while, but if you're in comfortable with him, replace him, maybe with a 25 year old Gardner who's a Gerontophile, they are out there Again, I'm really sorry for your loss, I'm really happy for your gain here in that you did experience sexual pleasure and joy in the arms of this man and if Joan Price were on this call and I'm sure Joan Price is listening, her book, Naked at Our Age has just been re-released, it's about older people, about senior citizens, seniors and sex, maybe you should get that and read it Joan would tell you to keep it up, to keep out there, to keep enjoying yourself, to keep enjoying your body and if another dude comes along that you feel safe and comfortable with and want to be sexual with, to go for it Meet my new friend, Mill. Mill is the odorless, effortless, fully automated food recycler, potato pills, avocado pits, chicken bones, even dairy, Mill takes almost anything. While you sleep, Mill quietly transforms those scraps into nutrient rich, shelf stable grounds, no mess, no smells, no fruit flies, I can't wait for summer. Mill can process up to 10 pounds overnight and it can work for weeks before you even have to think about emptying it. You can use the grounds that you make in your kitchen, in your garden, which I will do, add them to curbside compost or Mill can even pick them up and get them to a small farm for you. The Mill app tracks how much food you're keeping out of landfills and Mill has already helped its customers put over 15 million pounds of food to good use. It's sleek, it's beautiful, it looks great in my kitchen and Mill offers a 90 day risk free trial. So if you don't absolutely love it, you can send it back. I've been using my Mill for about a month now and I love keeping food out of the landfill and my garden is going to rock this year. Just you wait, I'm going to tell you all about it. Try Mill risk free for 90 days and get $75 off at Mill.com slash Savage and use the code Savage at checkout. Now $75 off at Mill.com slash Savage and use code Savage, Mill.com slash Savage. Use the offer code Savage. Hi Dan, I'm a queer woman calling from Canada. I'm wondering what the best way is to kind of pursue a crush with someone where the stakes are maybe a little bit higher, especially because it's another femme. I don't know if she advises a woman or non binary actually, she they pronoun land who's in my program in grad school. And I'm kind of like, I don't want to come on too hard. Like I don't want to like do too much like oh like, and touching or I don't know whatever kind of more explicit flirty stuff. Just because I'm scared or I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Like is it better to like not flirt too hard and just be like, I have a crush on you. Or is that just like coming out of nowhere if I don't flirt too hard. I don't know. We did go dancing together the other night and dance together like all night. Like I was like partner dance. And I thought the chemistry was really fun. So I don't know. I don't know how to read the signs. But yeah, tell me that I should be more direct in words or more flirty in actions. This sometimes happens where I run a letter in savage love from a reader and that reader also calls into the show and records their question. Your letter appeared in savage love last week. And my advice was, oh my God, just fucking kiss the girl, recognizing that maybe the girl doesn't identify as a girl and by kiss the girl I don't actually mean lunge at the girl go in for a kiss when I say make a move I mean, move your lips use your words. The right thing to do this impulse that you have after especially after you danced online especially after you detected this flirty vibe to say, hey, I have a crush on you. That's the move that's kissed the girl that's the lunge with your words. And yeah, you might be engaged in some clitful thinking here. Your erotic imagination or your brain or your crotch might be guilty of a little motivated reasoning because you're attracted to this person and you hope they're attracted to you. And so you look for signals or signs that you can interpret. And your ego can interpret as confirmation that they feel about you the way you feel about them. But then you got to make a move. Somebody's got to go first. Somebody's got to make that guess and kiss the girl. Ask the girl. And that's right. Say to her like, hey, I have a crush on that night we danced all night. I was like, oh my God, I really want to kiss her. Can I kiss you? Do you want to kiss me? You can say no. You can say no. I could be wrong here. I could have guessed wrong. And it'll be awkward. Just the best way through awkwardness is to say this is awkward to slap the awkward label on it. I'm sorry if this makes you feel awkward. And you can say no. And I promise if you don't feel about me the way I feel about you. And if you go on and on like this, it is my experience because I have gone on and on like this with people that eventually they will kiss you to shut you the fuck up. And then you got the kiss. Then you got the girl. But somebody's got to go first. And I ran your letter in savage love and people jumped in to ask me why I didn't say what is happening here because of the name for what is happening here. Realize you don't if I square. We don't know how this one identifies. We don't even know this woman identifies as a woman. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Lesbian Cheap Syndrome. Women are socialized not to make the first move women carry that into women loving women spaces women loving women relationships and everybody hangs back wait all these women who want to fuck and want to fuck each other. They're all waiting for the other woman to make the first move which she doesn't make because she's waiting for the other woman to make the first move, which is why lesbians don't have as much sex as lesbians should not that you're lesbians maybe you're not lesbians you're just women loving women or sapphic or whatever but you know what I mean but it's called LSS lesbian sheep syndrome. And women who are into women have to lean the fuck in to borrow a horrible phrase from a horrible person you got to lean in you've got to overcompensate for your socialization by sometimes just willing yourself to make the first fucking move because somebody's got to go first. And it looks like it's going to have to be you. Maybe she hasn't made the first move because she's as concerned about making things awkward or making you feel uncomfortable as you are and she's so Gen Z paranoid about a moment's awkwardness that despite being attracted to you, she hasn't tried to kiss the girl, or maybe she's not physically attracted to you maybe she's not sexually attracted to you maybe she dance all night with you as a friend, but the only way you're going to find out. Which it is is to ask already. Alright, let's talk about something that's often whispered about other places we talk about it out loud here that is libido. If you've ever looked for a supplement to give things a boost you know it can feel like you're waiting through a minefield right. There are so many options so many questionable ingredients so much truck stop by agra out there it's a market notorious for products clogged with products that feel more at home in a gas station and that truck stop than in your wellness routine. That is why we are excited to tell you about drive boost from VB health. Health has changed the game by focusing on what truly matters trust and transparency. Imagine a libido supplement formulated by doctors one that's rigorously third party tested so you know exactly what you're getting and it's made with care in the USA that is drive boost drive boost is unique because it's formulated for both men and women and it works. If you are ready to ditch the shady stuff and choose a libido supplement you can feel confident about it is time to check out drive boost learn more and get yours at VB health. Seriously go take a look do your own research check it out VB health visit VB health use the code savage for 10% off or click the link in the episode description. Let him know the love cast at you by going to VB health and using code savage again for 10% off. Hi Dan just had a specific question. If you're getting married for the, you know, whatever for time later in life. Is it okay to keep your personal tapes from your prior relationships or is that considered cheating? It's okay with me. I wouldn't consider it cheating, but you're not marrying me. I think everyone's entitled to his own of erotic autonomy. I think certain parts of your phone certain neighborhoods or corners on your phone or your cloud definitely fall within that zone of erotic autonomy and if you want to keep mementos past relationships, including dirty erotic mementos not just the memories, not just the mental images. I think that's fine and you should be allowed, but I'm not the one who's going to blow up at you or divorce your ass. If I find your old sex tapes with previous partners and previous spouses on your phone. So I'm not the risk you need to control for here. If the person you're marrying would regard this as a betrayal. If the person you're marrying would regard this as cheating and if they regard cheating as unforgivable and if they regard cheating as a cause for divorce. You say you're about to get married for the fourth time. Do you really want to risk a fourth divorce? Is it worth it the risk? If the person you're marrying would regard this as cheating in a relationship extinction level betrayal worth the risk to keep these tapes to jack off about these women that you used to be with. Only you can make that judgment. If I were in your shoes, if I knew my partner would absolutely divorce me, leave me, blow everything up and burn everything down if they found those things on my phone. Even if I could make the case for why I should be able to keep those things on my phone, I probably wouldn't keep those things on my phone. This is one of those calls where you're kind of asking the wrong person, but the fact that you're not asking your partner about this is a pretty good sign that you know what the answer would be. If you asked your partner, your fiance, the person you're about to marry, you're coming to me with this question because you know they, she, would probably tell you that those videos have to go. She'd probably be angry to find out you still had them at all. So you know the answer here, which is dude, fourth marriage. I'm guessing there's a reason the other three ended. You know, let's eliminate one of the reasons this one could end, which is your wife eventually finding your old sex tapes on your phone or your laptop or the cloud or whatever the fuck. So I don't think you should have to delete those videos, but I think you should. Hi Dan. I'm 38. I'm a long time listener and I'm calling because I have an issue that I think maybe a lot of your listeners, it might resonate with. The issue is that I no longer find myself super attractive. And part of that is because I've gained weight and I've been working on losing that. But I think I realized that this isn't just like I'm going to lose the weight and feel super attractive again. I think it's just, you know, as we age, our bodies are naturally going to change. I just used to get a lot of pleasure out of finding myself attractive and it turned me on to look at myself and I don't get that experience anymore. And so I'm just wondering like how people find themselves attractive as they age and how that they continue to bring that aspect into their sex lives. Enjoy it while it lasts. Very few people, Paul Newman, maybe the exception are objectively hot into their 80s and 90s. Yes, you can take a minute here to pause the show and Google Paul Newman. And so it runs out for all of us and it's really important to really enjoy it while it lasts. And if you think you're hot and it turns you on to look at yourself for by all means, go for go look at yourself, put a mirror on the ceiling in your bedroom and enjoy yourself when you're alone and enjoy yourself when other people are with you. Don't be stuck up and narcissistic about it. It is possible to find yourself hot and not be a shallow narcissistic monster. And you don't sound like you're shallow or narcissistic. You made an objective judgment about your hotness and enjoyed your hotness when you felt by your standards you were hot. Now you've aged a little bit bigger. The trick here is well, take care of yourself so that you can enjoy it while it lasts for as long as it lasts and you can make it last longer. But the trick is as you age, as we all inevitably do to take yes for an answer from people who find you hot in the body you're in now. And there are definitely people out there. If you're bigger, who are going to find your bigger body attractive in a way that wouldn't have found you attractive when you were more conventionally attractive, when you were slimmer or more tone. There are people who like bigger, fleshier bodies and you may miss the body you had 10, 15 years ago. But if somebody's grooving on the body you've got now, you can will yourself to believe them and to feel hot because you're being treated as hot by someone who still finds you hot. Also a way to continue to feel attractive is to recognize that, you know, while you're just objectively hot, if you're young and hot, 30 something and hot, and you've got that body, body, body, body, body. Body, body, body going on. You got to have the skills like acquire the skills, get good at sex because your body is going to age and change. But if you give a mean ass fucking blowjob, if you give great head, that's not going anywhere. You get to enjoy that forever. You get to enjoy that until I want to say your teeth fall out, but you get to enjoy that even more once your teeth fall out in a different way. Get better at it in a different way. And so you're enjoying it while it lasts, enjoy it while it lasts. Don't take it for granted and get good at it. Not get good at being hot looking hot. Get good at sex because you can continue to be good at sex as you age and you will find people who are into you still in the body that you're in now or the body you'll be in later or then. And you can knock their socks off. Don't ask me how I know, but I know. Hi Dan, long time listener. I'm a woman in my early 40s. Please settle this argument between me and my friend. Since I got divorced about 18 months ago, I have two kids. I have been going in the apps and having a lot of hookups with a lot of guys and doing everything that I always wanted to do. And I'm having an amazing time. My friend is mad at me because I basically don't tell any of these guys any of my personal info. They don't even know my name. They don't even know what I do. They do not know I have kids or where I live or anything about my life. If anything, I do tend to make up personas. When I meet these men, different name, different job, no kids. It could be different every time and I really enjoy it. It's like putting on a costume, putting on a character. She says that I'm not being true to those men and that I need to divulge information if I'm meeting up with them regularly, which sometimes I am. But I don't believe they need to know anything about me. Do you need to tell a casual hookup partner things about you? Am I lying to them by not disclosing that I have kids where I was divorced or my job or whatever? I disagree, but she says that I'm being selfish. Maybe the person you need to stop divulging things to is your friend who's giving you grief here. That said, whether you're doing something wrong really depends on what it is these men want, what their expectations, hopes, dreams are, and whether the active passive deceit that you're engaged in is manipulating these men, is obtaining their consent to ongoing sexual contact with you under false pretenses. Look, if you're regularly fucking a guy and he's into you romantically and you've told him a million lies about who you are, about your history, about your job, about whether or not you have kids, whether or not you've ever been married, then you've potentially obtained his consent to continuing to fuck you in an unethical way because he's fucking you, this person that he thinks you are, and he's hoping that you might have something long term, but if you're not interested in him long term and you're spinning out this fantasy version of yourself to keep him interested, that's not fair to him. He's making a larger and larger emotional and sexual investment in you based on who he thinks you are. So, what kind of this applies if we're talking about a one off? If you want to pretend to be a space alien or a spy or whatever the fuck and you're not comfortable sharing any details about your actual life, somebody you're having an anonymous sexual encounter with isn't necessarily entitled to your CV, your romantic history, your credit score. They're not entitled to any of that, but if someone you're dating or hooking up with regularly who hopes that this is going to become something more than just a regular hookup or a situation ship, they are entitled to know who you actually are. And most people who are having anonymous or nearly anonymous sex, especially women who are willing to have anonymous or nearly anonymous sex, do want to know who you really are for their own safety, for their own protection. They're going to want your real name. They're going to want to know some facts about you before they have you into their house and into their bodies, and you should be willing to be honest with people generally. But if you're just two months out of a divorce, long term relationship, and you're just banging guys on apps who are looking for sex and nothing but sex and anonymous sex, yeah, under those circumstances, you can omit details that you were ever married that you have kids. And yeah, it makes me a little uncomfortable, but you could bullshit somebody to get into their pants. But when men do that to women, we have a problem with it. And we argue that consent obtained, because somebody is bullshitting you, wasn't consent at all. So you're in a gray zone here, depending on how these men feel and what these men want. But if all these men want is to get off and you're willing to get them off, yeah. Then you can bullshit them a little bit for your own pleasure, safety, anonymity. You can bullshit them a little bit. Just stop telling your friend about it. She doesn't want to hear about it anymore. And it's like, damn, unfortunately, they placed it against a wall so you can't walk around it with a 360 degree view. I don't remember what it was that we said on the show last week that brought up statues, but Andrew, thank you for sharing still pics or it didn't get sculpted. And where is this campus and what is the name of this sculpture we all now need to see says Green Bean Betty to the caller in the polyamorous relationship who is unsure how much she should expect as far as time and attention from a new boyfriend with three other partners. You should ask him how much he likes to talk text and how much in person time you can expect from him. I'm surprised Dan didn't mention that, not anyone else here in the thread either mentioned it. But as a poly person, I asked this very early on, usually before we even meet. Why waste each other's time if our styles don't align. Says Wiccom, just one small quibble with Dan's advice for the caller about inserting a finger into her partner's butt. Dan closes by saying that if his butt, that straight boy's butt isn't sparkly clean, he doesn't deserve to get fingered or pegged. And while yes, I think tops have a right to expect good personal hygiene from their bottoms, if one encounters something that isn't sparkling in there, that is not a reason to freak out and shame the bottom. Alright, forgive me for a little bit of bottom shaming there. When it comes to butt stuff, shit quite literally happens, can't happen. It is a risk. When I told the caller she should expect a sparkly clean butt, I was thinking of those straight men we read about sometimes who do not wash their own asses because it's kind of gay to wash your butt. Now presumably a straight guy who wants to get his ass fingered doesn't have hang ups about seeming gay and does wash his own ass, but you never know. And guys, if you want someone to dig in there, you want your new girlfriend to dig deep, douche that ass, or as a courtesy to your guests, get a box of latex gloves and put them on your bedside table. Finally, there is a roaring debate in the comment thread on last week's show about non-hierarchical versus hierarchical polyamory. I am, of course, as you know on team, there are always hierarchies, but believers in non-hierarchical polyamory dove into the comment thread to try to define and explain and defend non-hierarchical polyamory by describing what sounds to me like a lot of hierarchies. Jonathan and by Dan Fanner doing some truly heroic work in the comment thread hats off. All right, got something to say about something I said on this week's show? Go to savage.love. Say it in the comment thread under this week's show. And now, savage love listeners who left voicemails on our answering machine about last week's show get to have, as they always do, the last word on this week's show. Hey, Dan. This is a response to the guy in episode 1002 who really wanted his female partner to enjoy receiving pleasure from him a little bit more. I thought I'd give a little bit of input as another woman who doesn't love the vibe of my partner trying to please me. It's not that I don't like to get pleasure from a partner, but like, he's going to eat my pussy and I know he's just down there for me for my benefit. It's kind of a turn off to me. But if he's down there because it turns him on, that's going to make me come in a heartbeat. And I wonder if your partner is the same too. If she likes giving you pleasure, perhaps she would like it if she felt like the pleasure you were giving her was giving you pleasure. So, I don't know, maybe just try being a little bit more vocal when you are playing with her clit about how much her pussy turns you on and it might just get her there. Dan, you're great on sex and love, but maybe leave the sports cliches to the jocks. It's a Hail Mary pass, not a Hallelujah pass. Hey Dan, this is in response to the gay man whose partner was given sexy underwear by another guy. I largely agreed with your advice, but I did want to chime in from straight land because there is a way to deal with this problem without throwing the underwear away or having awkward conversation where the partner has to refuse it. The way straight couples deal with this is when a guy inappropriately gives a woman who is in a relationship some sort of sexy gift or clothing or even lingerie is the woman says thank you, then goes back to her husband or boyfriend, puts it on, and then he fucks the shit out of her. Then they laugh about it. And we are going to leave it there. Got a sex question, maybe a relationship quandary, go savagely.love slash ask Dan, we can record and upload your question directly on our website. Or you can email us your question at qatsavage.love or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message of our answer portion. And hey, if you just tried something new, if you went somewhere you've never gone before sexually and you need to talk about it. If you got unloaded in and you need to unload on me about it, email us at qatsavage.love and come on after action report. Tell me all about it. Hump is back. Hump 2026 coming soon to a theater near you. Hump, of course, is the best dirty little film festival in the world. And we have more than 20 brand new short pornographic films to share with you. Hump opens in Portland, February 20th, then goes to Seattle, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, Missoula, Cleveland, dozens of other cities all over the world before wrapping up the 2026 Hump Spring Tour in Amsterdam on May 23rd. You can watch the sexy new trailer. Find out when Hump is coming to your town and order tickets at humpfilmfest.com. Follow me at Blue Sky At Dance Savage. Follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage. Follow Eric Williams on Instagram at EricWills. That's EricWILLZ. And be sure to listen and subscribe to That's a Gay Ass Podcast. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartoonian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at-risk youth. We will all be back at you next week on the installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thanks for joining me. I hope you enjoyed the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? Made in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across 50 states and 45 countries swear by Load Boost. If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, better mouthfeel, go to loadboost.com today and use code SAVAGE for 10% off. Or click the link in this week's episode description. That's loadboost.com and use offer code SAVAGE.