Welcome, everybody around the world, to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, and we have... You know, I like to give good news when we can give good news, and I have some wonderful news for my MAGA viewers. The Trump-Golden cell phone has finally arrived after a nine-month delay. Now, the only Trump item more disappointing after a nine-month wait was Eric. You know, I've said a lot of mean things about Eric over the years. As for the phone... As for the phone, let's be clear, this thing sucks! When they announced the phone last year, the Trumps promised it would be made in the USA, but now that it's here, brace yourself. It is no longer made in the USA. The website now just says, designed with American values in mind. Oh, that's mine. No! Hey, hey, that's close enough, okay? It's just like Arby's slogan, we have the meats in mind. Yesterday, just yesterday? Yesterday, Trump took a break from profiting off the presidency to speak at the annual congressional picnic, and he gave this update on the war in Iran. We're going to end that war very quickly. It's going to happen, and it's going to happen fast. Is it? Because this is what you said at the beginning of March. Are you thinking this week it will be over? No, but soon. I think so. Okay, and with respect to... Very soon, it's going to be finished pretty quickly. And this is what you said at the beginning of April. I'm going to finish it very fast. I view it as very close to over. And this is what you said at the beginning of May. You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a... what's another good? A squirrel, okay? Okay? Which is the squirrel? I think the squirrel is the one presently in control of the Strait of Homoos. Trump. Trump. Trump also took a moment at the occasion there to shout out Melania. We're truly blessed to have such a first lady. She's been so popular. She did a movie, it became number one. She then went to streaming, it became number one. And I said, there's only room, remember this, for one star in a family. So I better get rid of that. That's that. That's that so good. Better get rid of that. It was a pretty weird thing to say to your wife, but... At least he's finally got a use for that greeting card. Roses are red, I love a gardenia, time for you to go back to Slovenia. Next month, there you go. Cool. Looks out. After tonight, we have only one more show left. And it is our... Oh! But let's have fun now, shall we? After a year of work. And as such, we know our job. It's our duty to focus on the issues that matter to Americans most. Namely, that the TSA has announced a carry-on rule that allows passengers to bring unlimited rotisserie chicken on board. Thank God. That is so great. I was getting tired of having to chug my chicken in line. TSA made the announcement via tweet. Protein shakes, 3.4 oz or less. But rotisserie chickens, as many as you can fit in your carry-on. You know what, y'all? Old Steve would have hated this. But final week, Steve, I love this for us. Okay? I mean, at this point... What does it matter? F*** everything. Stop trying... Stop trying to make flying better, okay? Let's be disgusting. Bring your chickens. Go barefoot. Forget crying babies. I'm going to scream all the way to Cleveland. Why? Why? Same reason as the baby. Having a body is weird and I'm scared. Now... Ladies and gentlemen... Yeah. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, if you, much like the FCC, have been paying close attention to my show, then you know we've been auctioning off all kinds of great late-show memorabilia and selling a memorabilia to the last show t-shirts all to raise money for the International Aid Organization World Central Kitchen. And I'm excited to say that we got a great response on all of our auctions and here to accept our donation is the founder of World Central Kitchen. Please welcome Chef Jose Andres, everybody. There you go. Oh! Right here, baby. Jose Andres. Oh, my God. Good to see you. Now, Jose. It's Stephen Colbert, you and your team. Thank you on behalf of everybody at World Central Kitchen and beyond because you raised over the last decade and more so much money for us that helped us do what we do, but you did so much more. Yeah! You gave us hope. Not only to the men and women at World Central Kitchen, but the people at World Central Kitchen was helping from Ukraine to Gaza, from North Carolina to Puerto Rico. Stephen Colbert was there. Because you were there. Because you were there, Jose. Thank you. And, Jose, we want to give you our donation on one of those giant checks, but it's hard to find a bank that will cash one of those. So instead, we have decided to present our donation tonight on the world's smallest check. Okay? And it's too small to read anything on the check, so I will instead now slip it underneath a microscope. All right? That's really, that's really small. Real check, okay? Joe, could I have a tiny drum roll, please? And the total is... $2,407,404.15. Jose. Jose, thank you so much. Thank you. No, no, no. Thank you to everyone. Thank you to everyone who contributed. And Jose, thank you to everyone, you and everyone at World Central Kitchen, who are the best at what they do around the world, bringing people hope, and trying not to lose this. I tell you, I'll put it in an envelope for you. There you go. Hey. People of America! He's the best of us! Jose Andres, everybody! We got a great show for you tonight with some very special guests. Stick around! Welcome back, Mr. Give it up for Louis Pato and the great good Joe and Machine. My friends and neighbours, one of the things I love about this show, of course, are the interviews. I got to do with the people over here, but I often crave a deeper connection with my guests. So the Imagineers of the Late Show Labs have developed what psycho-historians call the Colbert Questionnaire. This is a set of 15 questions that are ergonomically calibrated to unearth a person's true self. And I've always said that I wouldn't give my answers to any of those questions until the show is over, but this is close enough. And here, to help in a minute, I have a question for you. Here, to help administer this, the final questionnaire, please welcome our good friend, Mr. John Dickerson. John Dickerson, everybody! Hello, Stephen. Hello, John. The floor is yours. Stephen, before we begin, you must assume the position. I'm against this part, but I will do it. I'm going to see my socks. Let us begin. When our first guest took the questionnaire, he revealed that his sandwich preference was a peanut butter and jelly on white bread. Please welcome Billy Crystal. Hi, Billy. Hi, Steve. Yeah? I'm just looking for something to take. Okay. Are you ready, my friend? Let's find out. Okay. Stephen. Yes, Billy? What is the best sandwich? This is one of the toughest questions, and we start with this one. Billy, what time of year are we talking here? Because there's a summer sandwich, and we're talking summer. We're talking summer. It's a tomato sandwich on very thin, white bread, okay? With a lot of salt and pepper, maybe a little mayo, okay, and you eat it over the sink. It's called a sink sandwich, because it just falls apart in your hand. These guys know what I'm talking about right over there. That's it, okay? Very ripe. Has to be very, very ripe and a very thick slice of tomato, okay? That's the best sandwich? Whatever you are, the rest of the year is hot pastrami on rye with a little bit of mustard, and if the guy behind the counter is willing, a little coleslaw on there, okay? Okay, and if it's not kosher deli, I'll take a little monster on there. Okay? No? Okay. That's fine. No, but that's up to you. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you for your judgment, Rabbi. We were raised differently. Exactly, yeah. The milk with the flesh, if you can't do it. Cats is deli, hot pastrami sandwich. That's the best sandwich. Yeah, it is. That concludes the white bread and rye portion of our program. Up next, he's a musician, comedian, and probably the most accomplished accordion player here tonight. Weird Al Jankovic. Al Jankovic. -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ My stroke. Thank you. Stephen. Yes. Oh, goodness. Let's go right to it. Stephen. Al. What was the first concert you attended? Oh, okay. The first concert I attended was at Gileard Auditorium in Charleston, South Africa. I went with my mom. It was in 1977. It was Chuck Mangione, the children of Sanchez Tour. Hit it. -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ Very nice. Very nice. You know him from the Goonies, but Stephen doesn't because he's never seen the Goonies. Welcome, Josh Brolin. -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ What is the scariest animal? Oh, okay. Other than me. Well, it's interesting that you should, one, give me the question because you know that in my phone, you're listed as Wolf Boy. Is that true? Yeah, because a seven-year-old boy, you fed wild wolves. Your mother kept a pack of wolves, and she would send you in there with raw meat and say, go feed the wolves. So how could you be anything else in my phone but Wolf Boy? And I love when it comes up and says there is a video message from Wolf Boy. And they go, like, a wolf boy's gonna have to hold on for a second here. So it's not wolves. It's coffee, if you can do coffee. Okay. Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Could I get a fresh coffee, please? I don't know where... We don't know where Wolf Boy is then. Mowgli? Don't know where Wolf Boy is. Put that mouth. Nope. No. No. Anyway... Why? Because he can't. No, so... No, because he doesn't give a s***. Okay, so the scariest animal to me is a trapdoor spider. The ones that come out. There's a little sand. Nothing wrong there. They come out. They pull you back in. That is. And here's the part that's even scarier than that, Josh Brolin. No, tell me. A scientist named a trapdoor spider after me. Like, for real? For real. There's a trapdoor spider, like Colberti, is the end of the Latin name. Yeah. Like somebody had named me Wolf Boy on their phone. Very much so. You see how that is called karma? But you don't scare me. I don't scare you? You don't scare me at all. Yo, you're a big old pussycat. What is this? I have a little gift for you. No way. You know, I know how much you love boats. I do. Did you make this? No, I didn't. I literally got this on eBay. Okay. I did. I don't know if it's real, but it says, may you always glide through life sometimes... Oh, through life's sometimes tumultuous waters. Oh, thank you. That's beautiful. I love you, Josh. Thank you, sir. Thank you. I hope everybody else brought a gift. She has Snoop Dogg's on a graph and his number on Speed Dial. Please welcome Martha Stewart. Oh, my God. Oh, it's an amazing audience. Nice to see you. Thank you for being here. Well, I'm so happy to be here. I'm also very sad. Oh, okay. Why? Because maybe I won't be here again. You will not. But maybe somewhere else. Maybe. I will have nothing to do with it. I have a very interesting question for you. Let's find out. And it's a simple question, but it will take some thought. Apples or oranges? Well, you can't put peanut butter on an orange. So I'm going to risk the wrath of the serifim and say, I will bite the apple. Oh, look. Yeah. We have to take a break. But the tapestry of Stephen Colbert still has many more colorful threads to discover. So stay with us. [?]. Adventure, excitement, our next guest, Craves Not These Things. Please welcome Mark Hamill. Oh. Ooh. Ha ha ha. I'm feeling a surge of host-like power through my body. Hi, Mark. I don't want to leave, but I'm going to ask you this question anyway. OK. Have you ever asked someone else for their autograph? Oh, yeah. I did a bit with Steve Martin years ago, the first time I ever had him on the old show. And a huge fan of Steve Martin. He's my Mount Rushmore of comedy. And as part of it, we were talking about a painting. And we added to the painting a little cut out of Steve's head. It was from his headshot, a little cut out pretty picture of Steve's smiling head. And when the bit was over, after the show was over, I said, hey, would you mind signing this? I signed across the top of his face. And I had it framed on a lovely little background and hung in my office. But I hung it, or whoever hung it, hung it where there used to be a clock in my office. And so we're always on deadline here. And that clock is just spinning around super fast. And so I would just look up to see what time it was. And there would be the picture. And so I like to say in my office is always Steve Martin o'clock. Ha ha. Very good. Yes. Our next inquisitor saw James Taylor on the same day he got his driver's license and had it taken from him. Please welcome Jim Gaffigan. Steven. Thank you, Steven. I'm always, when I have forgotten the order of these questions, so I don't know who goes with what at this point. That's weird because at rehearsal today you knew. There was no rehearsal. That was before I was drinking. That's right. Here's the question, Steven. What is the question? What do you think happens when we die? Here's what I picture. Some of these questions, if I answer them, I have to think of what do I think as I'm waiting for the person to answer them when I give it to them? What comes to mind? When I come to mind, I want to ask this question. I think of almost like a feeling. And the feeling is that when we die, I think there is some continuance of some kind. But it's a dispersion of this self. Into some other greater being. And I don't know, I don't have any of the feelings beyond that. What you're saying is we become frebrize. Yes. Right. That's exactly right. Our next questioner is a sandwich entrepreneur. The first man to combine potato chips, barbecue sauce, and peanut butter into one pita sandwich. Please welcome Jeff Daniels. Hi, Jeff. Nice, nice digs. Yeah, thanks very much. Steven. Jeff. What is your favorite action movie? Ooh, this is a toughie. My favorite movie is not as horror, it's the thing. That's my favorite movie. So I don't think that's action. I think it's more horror than action. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Okay. Our next guest would take an orange over an apple any day. Please welcome Tiffany Haddish. All right, now we are classing up the joint. Hi, Tiffany. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. How you been? Missing you. I'm not her. You're going to have some time on your hand. I am, I am. I don't know if you know this now. I'm a swimsuit model. I didn't know that. Are you in the sports illustrated thing? I am. I identify as a 21 year old sports illustrated cover swimsuit model. I will check out the newsstand. There will be lots of traveling. I just want to know with all the traveling that will be happening, what do you prefer, window or aisle? Okay, window or aisle. I have the bladder of just a baby chipmunk. So I like the aisle because I don't want to have to stay to the person next to me. I need to get up. So I'm on the aisle all times. Let's just take a trip. Tiffany, can I bring my wife? Yeah, she can come because I'm manhunt many ways. We're going to take a quick break. We will spelunk further into the depths of Stephen Colbert right after this. What if everything you learn in history class was only half the story? I'm Dr. Hrini Botte, host of Hidden History. Every Monday, I go where history gets mysterious. Banished civilizations, doomsday prophecies, paranormal phenomena, and events that science still can't fully explain. On Hidden History, I treat these moments like open case files, not myths, not superstition, just incomplete explanations waiting for a closer look. Listen to and follow Hidden History, available now wherever you get your podcasts. She's the co-host of First Drafts. And the late show's First Lady, please welcome Evie McGee Colbert. Let me ask you something. Did you run into Tiffany Haddish back there by any chance? I did. I did. We're all going traveling together. I know. That's what I heard. No problem. Great. Fantastic. How you doing? How do you like this? I'm...it's good. It's like being in this seat is weird for me. Yes, I know. Not having control is weird for you. That's exactly right. Not having control. What do you got? What is your favorite smell, darling? Oh, okay. Well, that's a good one for you. That's a good one for you. Oh, you're not going to like the answer. Oh! What's your name? My favorite smell is when we are going out someplace and you go upstairs to get ready first. And then I... Because you take a little longer to get started. And then I come up to follow you and when I get to, like, the top of the stairs, I know that you've already gotten out of the shower because I can smell that, like, rose. What's that? Soap. No. Is that rose lotion? What is it? Hi, K.A.I. Rose scent and rose lotion. And then... And I know that you're in there wearing very little. Yes. This is a lot more intimate than a political debate. You know her from Strangers with Candy. She's known... She's known Steven for almost 40 years. Please welcome Amy Cideris. Amy Cideris. You look lovely. Oh, thank you. Thanks for being here. I'm happy to be here. Oh. It's very sad. Happy to have you. So they gave me a question, but... When a woman... No. The question is, what is your least favorite smell? Oh, okay. The worst smelling thing I've ever smelled. Yeah. And I was young. I was maybe 10 or 11. And I had a next door neighbor across street neighbor, the Millers, and Mrs. Miller was really lovely. We used to talk all the time, even when the kids weren't around. She was just a really lovely woman. And I remember one day she was cleaning out underneath the sink. I was just sitting, like, on the bar stool in the kitchen. She was cleaning under the sink. And you know how people keep jars of grease? Like, they collect their grease, I think? Yeah. It had either broken or the jar lid had come loose. Oh, yeah. And it had leaked. That grease had poured into a bag of sugar. Oh, my God. And the bag of sugar... The bag of sugar had turned rancid. Oh, okay. And so it was either the grease had turned the sugar rancid or the sugar had turned the grease rancid, one of the two. But she said to me, do you want to smell just the worst thing? And I really liked her. I thought she was great. I love her. Yeah, she was a little witchy. And I said, sure. And I smelled it. And I can't possibly be described what it's like. But I remember even as a boy going, wow, I know there's some bad smells. Like, we humans make our own bad smelling things. Sure. Which you can obviously think of. But this was so much worse than anything else I'd ever... I didn't think anything could smell that bad. Yeah. And so it stuck with me. So I think that's probably my least favorite smell, even though I've never smelled it again. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. He's an actor, a writer, a director. But tonight, he's just here to ask one question. Please welcome Ben Stiller. What is your earliest memory? It's a two-part answer. Okay. Okay. My earliest memory, I remember in... I was born in Washington, D.C. And my... I remember... I have a memory of my mom up on, like, a little short ladder with her hair and a little, you know, scarf back there. Either painting the bedroom brown and it was blue, or it was blue, and she was painting it brown, or whatever, like, whatever the opposite of that is. And I asked her what, you know, how old would that be? And she said, you were maybe three when I did that. But that kind of makes sense, because I remember not being able to say something to her. Like, I remember, like, being frustrated that she couldn't quite understand what I was trying to tell her. But I remember what I was trying to tell her, and what I was trying to tell her was my earliest memory. Because I was trying to tell her about the dream I'd had the night before. And I remember... I remember what I was trying to tell her. I had a dream about Coco... not Coco, snowflake, the albino gorilla that was at the National Zoo. There was a pure white gorilla at the National Zoo. And I had a dream of a albino king kong. And I must have seen some, like, king kong, and I had seen pictures of the gorilla, and I'd put them together. And I had an image of an albino gorilla, like, marauding in a city. And that's the story... That's what I couldn't get across to my mom. So I have an inception in my memory. I have another dream in my memory. And that's my earliest memory is not being able to tell my mom my memory. Could you give me an interesting answer now? LAUGHTER Um... Wow. We have to take a break, but there's more exploration to come, so we'll be right back with more of Stephen C. Colbert's question. CHEERING MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC Our next questioner first appeared on the Late Show in 2016 and most recently appeared here right now. Please welcome Aubrey Plaza. CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you? Um, everything's normal here. It is. It's been weird. You look lovely. My water broke backstage. Oh, great. Great. I'll find it. They said it was going to take a couple hours, so I could still do this. There's very generous of you. Yeah. Yes. We'll get a squeegee. Thanks. Mm-hmm. So, Stephen. LAUGHTER Yes? Cats or dogs? Oh. I have lived with both of them. Hmm. Dogs. CHEERING Yes. Dogs. You know our next questioner has a musician and has a huge fan of the Jason Bourne films. Please welcome James Taylor. CHEERING APPLAUSE CHEERING You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. You don't have to listen to it continuously, but whenever you listen to a song, this is it. The song that comes to mind when I'm asking people this question is, at the risk of being pretentious, which is too late for me now, it is Glenn Gould's execution of Mendelssohn's song without words in E Majors Opus 19, number one. OK. APPLAUSE Our next questioner is a man of few words and only one question. Please welcome Robert De Niro. CHEERING APPLAUSE CHEERING APPLAUSE CHEERING OK. What number were you thinking of? APPLAUSE There's a hint as to what the answer is, because whenever somebody answers the question, you know, and gives the wrong answer, I always say no. And when I give the right answer, which has happened at least twice, Meryl Streep and Ethan Hawke guessed correctly, and Ethan Hawke immediately goes, I know what it is. It's three. That's the number. That's the number I was thinking of. Yeah. OK. Yeah? LAUGHTER Because I thought it would have been two million point five, or two and a half million. That's the number of Epstein files Trump still hasn't reached. CHEERING And now for the final question. APPLAUSE I'm honored to have the task of administering it. CHEERING You look good back there. Take it for yourself. It's almost as if you've manned a desk before it. Yes. Stephen Tyrone Colbert. LAUGHTER How would you describe the rest of your life in five words? LAUGHTER My family, my friends, fun. CHEERING God bless you, Stephen Colbert. You are known.
