Close your eyes. Listen to Monday.com. Feel the sensation of an AI work platform. So flexible and intuitive, it feels like it was built just for you. Now open your eyes, go to Monday.com. Start for free and finally, breathe. Hey friends, welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff. And I'm David Thomas and we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. Okay, David, let's start with a moment every parent or aunt of a toddler has had. You're trying to get out the door, you're already late and your toddler says, I do it myself. And you're thinking, this is not the moment. Oh, right. Shoes on the wrong feet, shirt backwards or one buttonhole off, toothpaste everywhere. That was last week for me. And what if what feels like the most inconvenient moment of your day is actually the most important? Because what if that moment is where capability begins? Okay, so let's talk about what's really happening with toddlers. Toddlers get labeled and sometimes act strong willed, defiant and emotional. Tiny dictators. Yes, but developmentally, something really important is happening. They are wired for autonomy. They are not trying to take control. They are trying to become a person. That know that mind that I do it. Those are all actually signs of healthy development. And here's where we get in trouble. We experience that as resistance. So we override it. We rush in, we fix, we help and we think we're doing the right thing. But we may actually be interrupting the very process that builds confidence. Because here's the deal. Toddlers don't learn by watching. They learn by doing, by trying, by failing. And by doing it badly. Yes, beautifully badly and loudly sometimes. Loudly sometimes. And when we step in too quickly, we rob them of the chance to figure it out. Which is where capability grows. Right there in that space between this is hard and I did it. And when we rush in, we rob them of the chance to rise. Okay, let's talk about something that feels really big for every parent of a toddler that we talk with in a parent consult or that we meet with or that we're family members to separation. Preschool drop off Sunday school, a babysitter. At that moment where a child clings and cries and everything in you wants to go back and rescue. And we have subtly absorbed this belief. If my child can't be without me, that means we're really close. But and you all hear us say this with a lot of grace, a lot of grace. That is not actually secure attachment. That's anxious attachment. And I want to jump in and say, though, most kids are going to go through a phase like this. Certainly. And we don't need to panic that they have anxious attachment disorder because they're there. But what we want to do is not confuse secure attachment and anxious attachment. And we need to deal with it, which we're going to talk about exactly how. Because if we were going to define what secure attachment is, it's that feeling of you can go because I know you're coming back. Yes. And when we avoid this separation, this opportunity, it actually robs kids of the chance to learn that. Because y'all, here's the deal. Separation is not harmful to kids. And we're hearing more and more parents who are concerned that it might be who are concerned that they're damaging their child by separating from them. Sunday school drop off babysitters. We even talked to someone who said that they knew some parents who were afraid to send their child to kindergarten, that it would disrupt attachment. And separation, you all, is fertile ground for healthy attachment because they experienced, I was OK and you came back. And that is where trust is built. I feel like in the background, we should have Daniel Tiger singing, grown ups come back. I wish I could sing it and remember the tune. But I'm so grateful for Daniel and the truth of so many things in that show. But that episode in particular, and it is one that we sing all the time with Henry and with grown ups come back. And Kathleen will even sometimes just start it as the beginning of the sentence grown ups come and it'll say back. It's become one of their mantras. So instead of sneaking out, which it is so easy to do or lingering forever, try I'm going to go and I'll be back. Or even starting with that very sentence grown ups come and let them fill in the blank. Short, clear, confident with empathetic reminders. We can even say, I know it's hard, buddy, but don't forget always come back because your confidence becomes their confidence. And you all, we need to remind you again right here. The opposite is true. Your anxiety can become their anxiety. We talk about how anxiety is contagious, but calm is contagious. Confidence is contagious as well. And now a quick break to hear from one of our incredible sponsors who make the podcast available. Okay, we just flew to Arizona for an event. It was 90 degrees sunshine, desert vibes. We packed like it was summer camp. Then we flew home to Nashville and it was 30 degrees. I stepped off the plane and immediately wanted soup, which is why I was so grateful we were stuck with Brodo in the kitchen. This podcast is sponsored by Brodo and let me just say Brodo's bone broth is the simplest nutrition upgrade you can make to your daily routine. Their broths are made from scratch. No concentrates, no preservatives, no shortcuts, so you can get the best broth money can buy. Brodo was launched by James Beard, award-winning chef, Marco Canora, who started serving it out of the window of his New York City restaurant 11 years ago. Now they ship nationwide, so you don't have to be in New York to enjoy it. I had a cup the night we got home and I am loving the roasted garlic and chili flavor right now. 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You know, we are firm believers that we all need a little more laughter and a whole lot more grace. And if you are raising a child with ADHD, dyslexia, autism, or another learning and thinking difference, you know how intense some days can feel. The advocacy, the school meetings, the meltdowns, the moments when you wonder if you're getting any of it right. If that hits home, we recently found a podcast we think you'll really appreciate. It's called Everyone Gets a Juice Box for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids. Check out a few episodes, including one about parenting regrets after an ADHD and autism diagnosis, and another about how, quote, fine isn't always fine when it comes to dyslexia. You'll appreciate the tone. It's honest. It's warm. It's funny in the way that only parents who truly get it can be. You can hear the relief in their voices when they realize they're not alone. It feels like sitting down with other parents who understand the mysteries, the multiple diagnosis, and the beauty in the middle of it all. If you could use that kind of community and encouragement, we really think you'll like it. To listen, search for Everyone Gets a Juice Box in your podcast app. That's Everyone Gets a Juice Box. And now back to the show. And let's just say everyone benefits from healthy separation, not just kids. Yeah, spiritually, emotionally, even physically. A parent who gets to sit in church and actually worship instead of chasing a toddler in the hallway is a more regulated, present parent later. Yeah, same with date nights, time alone, even sleep, you guys. We'll just gently say rest matters greatly. As to separation. So let's talk about what toddlers need. We want to give you something practical. So talking about what they need to be doing. Number one, we would start with boundaries. Yes. You all toddlers need boundaries. And we know that we're moving into some controversial territory here. So hang on. We are hearing more and more parents talk about toddler meltdowns who have heard so much about empathy and attunement only getting down on their level, offering empathy for the big feelings. I see that you're really frustrated or I understand that you're sad. And then they stop there and the feelings only get bigger. We're talking to parents regularly about the balance of support and challenge, equal parts of both. And we would love to also say we want to offer kids equal parts of empathy and consequences, which both make kids feel safe and secure. I loved when Henry first started OT. It was such an amazing experience and they taught Henry and they taught Kathleen and Aaron and me about green choices and red choices for Henry. And Henry would get dysregulated and they would remind him they would first do some breathing with them or try and encourage him to do some breathing. And then if he couldn't and he was dysregulated, then we would talk about a red choice and he would sometimes even have time in in those moments. And you all know he would go sit in a chair nearby so your kids can do that where they can see you as many minutes as their age. And yes, it is OK to give kids time in and time out as long as we're doing it age appropriately. We're aware of the timing and that they don't have attachment issues already. We want to be conscientious of that certainly. I'm so glad you mentioned that. It's a great reminder. We've done some episodes, had some really great conversations around attachment, around supporting kids who had disrupted attachment. And reminds me of how much we love the work of Dr. Karen Purvis. We'd highly recommend her book The Connected Child. So for any parent listening who that is a part of your journey, it's a fantastic resource that speaks even more to that particular idea. But y'all have heard us say so often boundaries create security in kids. And when we do those things, we're reminding them, I'm the strongest person in the room, not you, because that creates insecurity when they feel that way. OK. And can I give another reminder that I think it's important right now too? You've heard us say before and this is worth repeating that as we talk about this idea of consequences in discipline, we want to be paying close attention to the two most common mistakes parents make when it comes to discipline. Too much talk, too much emotion. We can step right in that trap daily, sometimes hourly. If we're not paying attention, we don't want to get bigger than they are. All that creates is not one but two dysregulated parties at this particular point. And we don't want to lecture because they don't have the attention spans for it. Yes. So simple, clear, calm. You may not hit. I won't let you throw that. I need you to sit in your chair for two minutes or three. And you and I have had a similar experience with parents recently where when we even talk about this idea, this very thing, relief will flood their faces. Like really, I can still offer consequences. And it's sad to me that I think as many parents are doubting themselves in that space again out of what could have been a really great and worthwhile pursuit that we talk about every correction is often an overcorrection. That's a place where I think it's showing up because boundaries create safety. Boundaries do not disrupt attachment when done with empathy as well. And that mixture of safety and empathy builds capability. Two, they need self soothing. You guys toddlers need opportunities to calm themselves, not instantly be rescued from every emotion. And this is where allowing some crying in a safe, supported way matters. We stay near, but we don't always fix. Okay, I've been doing a little spring reset with my closet lately. 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From global brands to businesses just getting started, Shopify helps entrepreneurs build beautiful online stores with ready to use templates, AI tools that write product descriptions and built-in marketing tools to help customers find you. Everything from inventory to payments to analytics is in one place, making life easier for business owners and shoppers like us who can't remember our passwords. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com.rbg. Go to Shopify.com.rbg. That's Shopify.com.rbg. You know, we wrote, you wrote Brave or Strong or Smarter for Girls and I wrote Strong and Smart for Boys with kids 6 to 12 in mind. But those workbooks are easily modified for toddlers. And it's all about teaching kids the skills and strategies to regulate in moments where they feel overwhelmed. So using resources like that are going to allow kids to develop tools to put in their tool belt. So remember these tools have to be learned and practiced. We talk about that a lot. They're not intuitive. They're not instinctive. They have to be learned and then they have to be practiced over and over. And the Daystar Dogs books have tools too. Yes. Every one of them. Yes. Can I throw a third idea in the mix? Please. Independence. So let them try. Let them try. Enneagram One Parents. I'm talking to you in particular, even when it's slower, messier or what we might deem the wrong way. Whoa. Whoa. Especially then. And I, I'm so glad you said that about Enneagram One Parents. I'm going to call myself out here as a big sister, y'all. Ruer, Kathleen is 16 years younger than me and I think I was probably 20 and she was probably 4 when I will never forget getting out of the car. And she was, I was helping her out of her car seat and she looked at me and she said, Kiki, why are we always in a hurry? I've never forgotten it because it was so painful and so true. You all, I feel that so much. And when I'm with the boys, when we have bunking parties now, I try to remind myself often. Number one, slow down. And I will say to them, I feel like one of the diddy always says, I will say I can only do one thing at a time because I tried to take on too much. And then I'm frustrated and I don't give them independence. So slow down and the mess doesn't matter because they can do the things on their own. And I'm trying to intervene to clean up all the time and it's not helpful. Slow down. The mess doesn't matter. So good. Four, I'm going to bring up a fourth. Okay. Along those lines, responsibility. Even toddlers can learn responsibility because in fact, they are capable of so much more than we think. So I think it'll be fun to make a list. Let's throw out some things. Let's do it. Okay. This is going to be gold. Okay. You ready? Yep. I'll go first. Okay. Putting toys away. Carrying their plate to the sink. Helping unload the bottom rack of the dishwasher. Throwing clothes in the hamper. Wiping spills even badly. Feeding a pet. Helping set the table. Napkins and utensils. Putting on shoes. Wrong feet. Welcome. It's so helpful. So many have Velcro now until they're the age they need to learn to tie. And yes, that is capability too. Brushing their own teeth with some supervision and oversight. Helping pack their backpack. They don't need to do it perfectly. They need to believe I'm someone who helps. Yes. I'm someone who can. And the truth is they love to help at this age. You all, we are raising kids in a culture that moves fast, values efficiency and avoids discomfort. And toddlerhood is the opposite of all three of those things. Slow, messy and emotional. But what if the goal isn't to make life easier right now, but to make our kids stronger for later? We're not raising toddlers who can get their shoes on. We're raising kids who believe I can handle things. Okay, so let's leave parents with a few things to remember. A few quick takeaways. I love that. All right. Number one, pause before helping. Oh, say it again. I need to get magic in that equation. Pause before helping. Thank you. And I think within doing that, I think back to our friend who wisely said, I wish my mom had spent more time saying what? I wish my mom had spent more time saying, you've got this more than let me get this for you. There you go. And pause and before helping allows us to think that through. Number two, let struggle happen. That's where so much growth takes place. And number three, create safe challenges. Hmm, which means let them climb even if you feel fearful. Let them run not around the pool, but where places you can find context to do that. Four, use fewer words, more calm. Hmm. Five, normalize separation. Six, give them real responsibility. And remember along all the lines that we've talked about all this messaging, what it would boil down to is it's slower. It's harder. It's messier, but it's worth it. And they're worth it because every I do it myself is a step toward a child who believes I'm capable. You all, you got this. We are cheering you on. David, what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris, Jared, our engineer, our management team at KCH. And we are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you, please consider subscribing, liking, sharing all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on always. Capturing pollen, allergens and pet dander. Removing odors and harmful gases such as NO2. Day and night. Usjet, powerful, compact purification. That's quiet. While your teams are aligned on a single source of truth, feel the sensation of an AI work platform. So flexible and intuitive, it feels like it was built just for you. Notice you're limitless. Now open your eyes, go to monday.com. Start for free and finally, breathe.
