MBMBaM 802: Assassinating the Moon Queen

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed It's rippin' into a precious friendship I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you My life, ah, it's better with you Hello everybody, welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me and the Advice Show for the Modern Era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What's up, Travis Nation? It's me, your middle-est brother, Travis Big Dog, Woof, woof, vroom, vroom, the heater McElroy. Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm 38, 5'10". I live in D.C., but I'm willing to commute for a long-term project. And this is my self-tape. Thank you. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, for adult film. Whoa! Those are the only sides that were provided to me. Okay. By Nintendo. And I don't know. I just hope, I hope, I'm very enthusiastic about the project, and I'm pointing at my tattoo right now. So just something to keep in mind. I have the tattoo. Wouldn't it be cool if Link had a tattoo of the Triforce on it? Probably going to do that anyway. That would be applicable. I already got the thing. So this is for the Zelda movie? Yeah, this is my, we were told by Joel. And I'm starting to realize now, because you guys didn't do it, that maybe it's one of Joel's classic pranks that he likes to play on us. where he was like, record some self-tapes, you're gonna be Link. I think you're a shoe-in. He said, I think you're a shoe-in. And I said, I'm 38. Don't you think that's a little bit old for the boy hero of Link? And he said, no, no, no. Trust me, they'll love it. And so I feel like a fucking asshole right now because you guys looked at me like this or a space alien. I think the confusion is I'm pretty sure the boy hero of the Zelda games is named Zelda. Oh, he's gonna do. He's gonna do that bit. that old chestnut. If you want, I could try. I have two characters here that I could try for it. From Zelda? Yeah. Oh, you got some Zelda? Listen! Listen! Yeah? Listen! Listen! That's some options. Yeah. No, options. That's interesting for an audition. I feel like you should have one vision of the character. And really commit to it. And really commit to it. Listen! That could be... Okay, here's another one. This is a character that I was told is a small but pivotal role in the film. Okay. Oh, man, my warehouse full of jars. What happened? Jars, man. Oh, my jars. That would be funny. They had my grandmother's ashes in them. Yeah, what if that did happen, though? He's smashing up shit in Hyrule Town and, like, just a bunch of dust comes out and he just makes silent eye contact with the owner of the house like, oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. there's one last jar to smash that one on the mantle yeah no link heart on the ground and he picks it up and eats it blood all over his face why is it rated m there's one jar and he cusses a lot when he breaks it it's really wild i don't know why that's in there i have a problem with the zelda uh the link casting specifically where my problem is i keep trying to read the name of the cat that's playing link but i get so tired what do you mean through the name i haven't been able make it all the way through. Joel said they haven't casted anyone yet and that it's all still. So the two leads are done. He said wide open, baby. The other ones are wide open and I want to let you read for the other ones. But unfortunately Link has been already taken by Benjamin Evan. Oh no, he fell asleep. Oh no, he fell asleep saying the name. That's so rude. Justin, Justin, come back. I could try it. There's just so many soothing vowels. Yeah, yeah, sure. I can. Okay. Benjamin Evan no no there he goes Justin Justin Justin Justin I have a read for you wake up sorry guys it's the painkillers from the Carpal Tunnel release it's like I'm like way sleepy all the time yeah anytime I try to read the name of the guy who's playing Link which is Benjamin Evan Ainsworth oh no Benjamin Evan Ainsworth okay that's cool is it three names like a assassin that was actually all one name whoa that's cool alright guys Justin could you give us a Gannon. What's a... I don't think Justin's got Gannon energy. I mean, I'm no Matt Mercer, but... That's a good point. We actually can't audition for that one because we know Gannon. You know what I mean? How about Gannon's son Gannon Jr.? Hey, listen, I sat down to a nice meal with Gannon. Gannon took us out to a nice LA dinner one time. It was excellent. Could you be Gannon Jr.? Like, if they decided Gannon had a son in this one? Gannondorf is Gannon Jr. A lot of people get confused because it looks like he turns into them he's gannon on his knees with like sneakers in front of his knees and it's talking about it's not it's not very tasteful justin can you give me i mean there's a role that i think the three of us could tackle and in fact i think once i say it i might ruin our entire dynamic because the three of us will be so desperate to get this role We'll do anything to get it Backstab, betrayal, slander And that's Tingle I think one of the three of us has Tingle The old nasty link Old nasty flying link Tingle, him I think that's a good thing Let me hear your tingle Tingle That's really good Thanks Yeah, thanks. I've been playing Majora's Mask, so I interface with Tingle on a deeper level. I want you to have it. You don't want Tingle? No, you earned it. You don't want Tingle? You realize what this is going to do? It's the wire stuff. It's the wire work. He doesn't want to do the wire work. Yeah, that's fair. You're scared of the wire work? I'm very afraid of the wire work. Don't act like if fucking Shigeru Miyamoto rang your doorbell and was like, Travis, we want you to be Tingle. You would say, Griffin can have it. That's crazy. Do you realize what this is going to mean for my career? I'm going to explode you. play one of the big busty fairies no one's ever really talked about this before and I would love it if this could be could this be a safe space I get uncomfortable talking about sometimes sensitive maybe trending erotic issues with you guys because you're my brothers and that's yucky but no one's really ever broken no one's broken down the fact that in Ocarina of Time they said okay we're taking this franchise to the next level 3D it's like that's great what's Octoroks gonna look like 3D Octoroks awesome I love that. What about a like-like? Yeah, we're going to take the design of the 2D like-like, and we're going to make it three-dimensional. And then they're like, okay, awesome. There are these fairies that float over small ponds, and when you go see them, they refill your health. And they're like, yeah, let's give them gigonzo bazongas that are going to be sharp enough to cut through concrete, diamond-tipped fucking size triple-J bazoongas, dude. And someone was like, wait, what? Are you what? Let's have them have two. They already got eight sketches. They're like tastefully suggested kind of off frame. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. These things are dead center. Cannot miss. Fishnet onesie miniskirt crop top size Z bazanches, and we're going to have them be sharp and pointy. She's going to do nothing but scream. Bird drive you. She comes out the flower. Bazonga's a jumping. Bazonga's a jumping. Having a great time. If the fairies end up that gigantic with the boobs that sharp, someone in the chain of command is difficult to work with. Yes. Someone is difficult to have conversations with. Like, don't bring it up. No, no, no, no, no. I know, I know, I know. I know the giant fairies with the bazookas. Don't. Yeah. It's your whole day. Cuckoos? 2D to 3D? That's a cuckoo. Fucking, what are these little spider guys? Scultulous. 2D to 3D? Great. Love it. Just with this one set. Just wild and wild. Somebody at Nintendo at that time was a real giant honker fairy hardliner. Who was like, guys, I will die on this hill. I will take the code down with me. I will set fire to the servers if you try to cut these fairies. At some point, someone said to an artist, and just think about how a fairy is going to make the transition from 2D to 3D. The artist is like, so it's kind of like when adult Robin Williams kisses little Julia Roberts and she gets gigantic with huge bazongas. It's like, wait, no. Why are you drawing already? Stop. Put your pen down. I actually have a portfolio ready to go. Dave, not again. I have a mechanical hard drive loaded with many images that I'd love to share with you. And three backups just in case. Whoa. It's in the cloud, sir. There's nothing wrong with the great fairies having huge, sharp bazanjos. But I am saying there is a story there. There's a behind-the-scenes story of one creator's passion that we will never get. Well, not with that attitude. Coming to Sundance this year, our in-depth documentary exploring how we got to this point from the McElroy brothers. I could do a Midna. Midna's just gotta be kind of nasty and mean. Like, Link, you look great. Your ass stinks. That kind of thing. Yeah, that was cool. More like comic relief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. I like that a lot, Juice. Your feet look like bananas. Nice. That's awesome. Why are you rolling? Which one of you is Link? Why do you roll all the time? Stop yelling. You should see my aunt's bazongas. They're gigantic. My aunt... is a fairy. Minda's aunt is a fairy canonically. Minda's aunt is not a fairy. Minda's from the Twilight Realm. I want to be Epona. It's not a different thing. What? I want to be Epona. In this one, Epona talks. Yeah. You should have Epona talk. Give Link a sidekick that talks, talking Epona. What would Epona's vibe be, do you think? I don't know about this one, Link. Oh, boy. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Comic relief Epona I didn't even consider, but someone like, looks like you got me into another fine mess. Yes, little Link. It's me, Josh Gad. I don't know about this, little Link. We're trying to get fucking parts in the fiction of the thing, and you're giving that to Gad? No, it's me playing Josh Gad as Epona. Gad hasn't had enough spice at the app, man. Josh Gad is now at a point. I watched Wonder Man and Travis's suggestion, great suggestion. Josh Gad is now at a point where not only does Josh Gad get to play all the roles that he plays, he's also just getting to play fictionalized versions of Josh Gad. Nice work if you can get it, Josh. You made it at that point, I think. Me and all the other Gaslights are wild about it. Yeah. Gaslights is what they'd be called. Let's start the program. We're long overdue. Well, I'm happy to be talking to you. Together we'll do it once again. Make sure not to laugh, because that is a sin. That's right. That's the new energy. That's the new theme song. Yeah. very pure Sanico no enjoyment here I'm a middle school teacher and recently one of my students was passing out Valentine's Day cards she had made for some of her friends and her teachers as she looked through the stack to find the one she had made for me I noticed that some of her cards had Pokemon cards sticking out of them I did not get a Pokemon card but now I really want to know what card she would have picked for me brothers how do I tell this student I would like to receive a Pokemon card without coming across as ungrateful to a child. That's from Seeking Pokemon in Poughkeepsie. Have you let slip, and you can take some advice from me on this pretty directly, have you let slip subtle clues that maybe you are a Pokemaniac on the DL? Just dropping little hints here and there, just like pointing at a kid's shirt and being like, oh, Onyx, great. Little stuff to let people know, hey, I'm actually into this stuff. Don't be too obvious about it. If you have five Pikachus and two faint, how many Pikachus do you have left to battle? Still five. I'll get those two fucking going again. Don't even worry about it, dude. In the middle of the fight? Yeah, dude. Revive, max revive. I'll get those bad boys right back in there. There is no rest on my bench. I have no bench. It's right back out there, pal. Your kid's school's doing the Valentine's Day card exchange thing? Yes. Yeah. It's a wild, it's an absolutely unhinged. Unforced error. Unforced error. Unforced error. Like so unnecessary. Like why do we need the pressure? One of the girls teachers this year said don write names on them Awesome Like don even personalize personalize You write your name in there right Yeah But you cannot even personalize I want an unpersonalized stack of paper with your name on the inside And you just pick the IP. Yeah. That's all you're basically saying is like, I endorse the turtles. This year, the girls got these little airheads candies with the to and from spots on the wrappers. And we're like, this is great. We'll do it. Impossible to write on. And then I started writing on it. It wouldn't happen. And this guy, National Merit Scholar Travis McElroy, started looking at the Airheads package to see if it came with instructions of what kind of writing utensil to use. It didn't. So I ended up writing all their names on it because my children are still learning handwriting. They're nine and six. They're not ready for the black diamond slope that is writing on Airheads. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, they had Haribo gummy bear packets with to and from on it. you can't write on what the fuck am i supposed to write on that how am i gonna write dyson how am i supposed to write dyson on a on a package of haribo gummies impossible can you just say i'd like a hey i think this could bring you to if i was a kid and i was in a pokemon that's basically how it was so if i if when i was a kid when when you were a kid when i was a child Then a teacher came up to me and was like, hey, I'm also super into Pokemon. No, you can't fucking do that, huh? Can't. I also like Pokemon. Check out my card. What card do you think I'd be? I spied you passing out some Pokemon cards. Yeah. Notice you didn't grace my palm with anything. Any ducats? I think there's a way to do that and just say like, you know, I'm also into Pokemon. What Pokemon do you think I'd be? Is that too much? No, but like you hear it, right? I know. You can hear it. you can hear it i think that would be a fun to say like if everybody gets like this score on this test you're all allowed to anonymously write on this card what pokemon you think i would be the kids would eat that shit eater who said who wrote shit eater that's what i'm saying man you're gonna get some problematic responses you're talking about an interesting phenomenon that i have noticed though where pokemon card trading has been now a thing or a concept for so long right it is basically past a generation to where you will hear people have conversations about pokemon cards as sources of stored value it's almost become like an intergenerational sort of exchange where like we all kind of know what pokemon cards are worth there's like the span of 20 years we're like we can kind of agree on the worth of that yeah and you can you can see that continue to evolve it's like this secondary currency that has uh arisen and fallen alongside the usd yeah i have a sort of opposite investment portfolio which is a website i've saved tracking the value of the entire original series of uh pokemon cards and how much they're worth now because i definitely fucking had those at some point um and but then i did like sell them in i don't know 2005 for a gaming pc uh not a very good one and so now when i look at that it's like a opposite of how much i've like lost how much not how much i've gained which is what a lot of people do when they trade the markets but how sort of how bummed out i should be oh i don't need a lot more sources of stuff like that but it's nice to have a kind of numerical value something you can count on and it really makes me pay attention to not giving away things now that may be worth a fucking lot of money something. Diamond hands, baby. Help me maintain more of a selfishness in your day-to-day list. Selfishness, yes. Agreed. Nothing brings me joy in my house, but a lot of things bring me anxiety that if I got rid of them, then the next day, Jake Paul would be like, this is worth $10,000,000,000 actually. And I'd be like, God damn it. This is a big court actually experiment. With Jake and Logan Paul just declaring randomly what they think things are worth. I've been pitching this show for 30 years. Hey guys, Jake Paul here and I'm here to announce that these six old Disney Magic fans are all worth $100 million now so I hope no one got rid of those yesterday, Griffin. Fuck, dude. Jake Paul, here Jake Paul, this is my Easy Bake Oven. I've had it since I was a kid. He just rips it apart and his bare hands and bitcoins fall out of it. That's where they've been the whole time. You're well sure. There's no bitcoins in there. This is worth nothing. I broke it. Every other Easy Bake Oven is now worth a billion dollars. I I am a genie named Jake Paul, and I will curse you. I'm a first-year college student at a music conservatory. We have a dedicated building for practice rooms, and the walls happen to be not too noise insulated. As I travel up and down the floors, you'll hear a loud trombone glissando or a virtuoso piano concerto. Sorry, I messed up piano. Why piano? They stuck it in there between two. damn piano piano pianissimo um how do i uh that's what i meant yes i meant piano concerto volume yeah how do i let these people know what they did was sick every door has a little window so i was thinking of giving them a thumbs up however i want to be mindful of their practice time and focus do i leave them a little note maybe paper airplane it in through the open practice window that sounds like more of a distraction i like people editing themselves as they type i should delete that sentence now i'm too far brothers what do i do that's from spreading support in cincinnati listen as someone who played trombone in middle school i think i can speak with confidence when i say the two examples you've listed here not exactly the same I hear someone playing a sick piano concerto and then somebody else just going to town on a trombone I mean if I hear you know how hard it is to pull off a slick Lisondo right to bust out a Skylar Gisondo on the trombone like that seems like it would be definitely worth applause I mean I think you gotta celebrate the achievement in the moment that it happens I think that if you get a note later I think that that's the person is going to think well they probably felt bad for me because no one was cheering when I actually did the thing I think when they hit the note I think you just got to give them like now you're cooking baby like that or like cook it baby cook it up in the kitchen turn up the heat Frankie yeah if their name is I don't know maybe they're on the doors I don't know if the names are on the door. Pop that shit in the fryer, dude. Yes, exactly. Turn the thermostat up, Frankie. It's too cold, baby. Yeah, that's cool. Trav, you do one. Uh, yeah. I don't know. I was thinking of something else. Oh, you weren't listening? Oh, Trav, the jokes were good. Yeah, Trav, that's the best time to do another one because you're going to take it into a funky direction, man. The jokes were really good. It would have been really fun to get up on that one, man. What if? It was an easy one, too. It was easy, good jokes. It was like, I was like vibing, and I was like, Travis is going to love this. I want to tell him about it. Yeah, yeah, please, because I was thinking of a different vein of jokes. Listen, all you had to do for the joke was you had to be like something, something Frankie, and you're kind of yelling, and then said something about temperature. It was so easy. And it was like really funny, and it didn't take any brain work at all. You could just kind of vibe. Fuck yeah, Frankie, boil that frog. Yeah, I do think if it had been like more close to the bit, it would have. So what about this? They hear a knock on the window. They turn and look. It's you in a Phantom of the Opera mask. Oh, cool. Yelling, bravi, bravi. No, no, no, no. You're so close. You almost had it. You almost had it. You're in the Phantom of the Opera mask looking in the window. As soon as they turn to look at you, you give them a, and you're away. Oh, and you're gone. If you fucking make a big deal out of it, they'll know, like, oh, that's some dude in a mask. But if you get out of there quick, like really quick, and they don't see you, now in their mind, they're like, am I getting Phantom of the Opera? And then you mention it to someone else, like, he only appears to the most talented. Only the most talented monks have seen the Phantom. Yeah. And after that, you can leave little notes signed from the Angel of Music from that point forward. Like, that was a sick tribungal sondo, the Angel of Music. See, Trav, you knocked on the door. And in my head, I'm like, why did we stop knocking? Oh, you're joining in. They get up to open the door. It's like, knock, knock, knock. And they get up to open it. but it's like knock knock knock knock knock knock knock and you're jiggling the handle to give it some hi-hat very funky yeah music is everywhere they would love that i i'm like i will i will let you in please stop and then you break the doorknob off and they're stuck please stop you're turning it while i'm turning it we're both turning it does your guys algo serve you up videos of people like walking around in the park with their violin and they see someone like DJing or something They're like Can I jam with you And then they jam together Or like they're walking around And there's people like Drumming on the subway And they're like Can I jam Or they have two saxophones And they're like Let's blast Do you guys get those videos So this happened Griff Yeah I actually just got served One of these And it pissed me off I want to hear What you were talking about But it pissed me off Because it was A man Who walked around With like Eight turntables Yes And a bunch of DJ equipment I've seen this man Yes And twelve microphones Who happens upon him Why Cleve Jean just happened no you found he went looking for i think he i think you dropped a pin that's all i'll say and i don't i think someone dropped a pin because i have been walking around lots of times never with dj stuff ever no and have not once seen wyclef jean you know what i mean yeah that's so funny they were filming it too damn for me my problem is whenever i do see wyclef jean here in Cincinnati, Ohio, I never have my DJ stuff with me. I know. And then when I have my DJ stuff with me, I can never find them. That's the day. Travis is like, let me get my recorder out. And what? John's like, I'd rather, no. No. Don't thank you. Not the recorder. Please. Do you think when two people are playing saxophone at the same time, kind of facing each other, doing like dueling saxophones, they're worried that if they get too close to one another, it will form kind of a seal. And when one blows, it'll puff out the other one's cheeks and explode their lungs. yeah that's a that and that's a huge huge huge concern when you're playing the saxophone it's the only instrument that you have to breathe in and out through it yeah you can't you can't remove your if you break the seal of your armature then the reed loses all of its rigid rigidity and so you have to breathe in and out of it and so if the two bells touch if the two bells touch that air is going to go straight into their lungs and pop them. Yes, and that is where bassoons come from. Oh! When two saxophones love each other very much, their bells touch. One blows into the other one until the cheeks explode. And then a bassoon comes out. Out pops a baby bassoon. Out comes out a bassoon. If you hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B-A, start. Contra bassoon. Contra bassoon. Sure. Doesn't make any sense. Didn't make any sense what you just said. Why did you bring Contra in? Why did Contra get invited to the party? because a contrabassoon is an instrument and that was the contrabassoon. That directly opposes the bassoon. It's the bassoon's greatest enemy. I've never heard of this evil twin bassoon. The opposite. The contrabassoon? A contrabassoon. I've never heard of it. The only thing that can stop a bassoon is a contrabassoon. Google contrabassoon right now because you're in for a real treat because this thing is a fucking big bassoon. Yeah, man. Hey, click the share. Can you not even share a picture or whatever? You're looking at pictures over there of the contrabassoon and not even sharing pictures. I'll share the picture of the contrabassoon. I don't know how to do that shit. You always do that shit. Really? Just press the share button. Do you not have a share button? Well, what if it's... Yeah, this is a YouTube video. Oh, so loud! You okay? You okay, man? Guys! You guys are really quiet in my mix. I turned up my headphones really, really loud. Because you guys, I thought your mics were quiet. So I turned you up really loud thinking like, Well, I'm not going to hear any other sounds while I'm doing this. And then I accidentally opened up a video of a guy playing the contrabassoon, and it fucking shattered my eardrums. Okay, hold on. I got to get this fucking thing up here. I got to figure out how to share the contrabassoon. Okay, here we go. I mis-googled, and I searched for contrababoon. No, don't do that. And I got some wild stuff. Share a screen. There's a contrabassoon right there. Screen share. Get rid of this. I need to show you it, though. You gotta see the size of this fucking thing, man. Let me get theater mode. Can you see? You ready? I don't think you'll be able to hear it. I hope not. Oh, I can't hear it. Look at that bad boy. Oh, that seems hard to press. It's broke. Hey, dude, it's broken. I don't think that's what it's supposed to sound like. Dude, your shit's broken. Yes, dude, he's fucking ripping, man. Dude, it's also your fucking drumming ass, dude. It's not music. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. That can't be it. I trying to read It coming A different way to the modern one Yes dude Don't stop, please. That's a gun. He looks like he's about to assassinate the Moon Queen. Are we going to get another blast? Oh, this one note. Everyone remembers. everybody knows this that's not a note that's not a note it's an engine starting that's a w flat he's hitting right there I love that oh my god sir but we're on the other side of the thing what's that like for him why is he pretending like it is a musical experience this freaking guy god that man is actually 19 years old when the vibrations of the contrum of a bassoon have aged him more. He got contact jack disease from his contrum bassoon. It's so fucking big and deep. That's what she said. And it's not, it's like they made it so big that it sounds bad. Yeah. And it's like good job, I guess. That's the guy that there's one note in the entire like concerto that you need a contrum bassoon and they're like, yeah, that's why you're here. Doug he's my nephew the sheet music is like a CVS receipt with the number of staves they have to go down just to reach it we've just printed out your sides Doug it's just this one note I'll point to you you'll know when it's time Doug cause the whole place will get really quiet you'll just blast man let's take a break and we'll come back and talk about our sponsors It's better. It's better with you. We actually have settled into a morning routine here where I have not been able to keep up my end of the bargain. Oh, no. Because I can't open the smalls for the cats in the morning. Oh, no. It's really put a day upon our relationship. I've gotten to a point now where I've asked Sydney to open the package of the delicious smooth bird or whatever while I stand next to her. So at least the cats will associate me with the delicious, flavorful, nutrient-packed food from Smalls. Maybe she'll think you're some sort of new, four-handed food-distributing entity that now dwells within this household. Or maybe they'll get the completely mistaken impression that you're somehow in charge of Sydney and make her do it for them. Gosh, they are actually too smart for that. Because they kind of are in charge in our house. But that means that I like taking care of these kitties. and I like giving them the best food that I can. And I feel like Small's does that. It helps us to control their portions because we used to just do like kind of grazing dry food. So the Small's has been great for that. Their coats look really nice. They have a lot of energy and it seemed to have really been great for them. Which one's your favorite? Probably Other Bird. No, I meant of the cat. When it's late at night, Travis and I am feeling a little peckish, I reach for Other Bird or Smooth Pig. No, which of the cats? Which of the cats is your favorite? stop guessing which meals are going to upset their stomach for a limited time because you're my brother my brother me listener get 60 off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash my brother one last time that's 60 off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash my brother which of us is your favorite not you guys know how some people call their pets their fur babies? Yes. Is it okay to call a baby like a skin dog? A skin puppy. A skin puppy. Square space. You don't want to talk about that, do you? Check out Griffin's new website, skinpuppy.com. It's a bad idea. Guys, I can't. You can't do this to me. I'm on the IR. You can't. Please, please. I can't register that domain right now. Type that fast for the domain. My hands. Oh, no. Only skin puppy dot edu is left. No, do not. I don't want to learn about skin puppies. Listen, if you if you have a thing that's actually stands the test of Christ's judgment more than skin puppies and you want to put that up on the Internet. That is a killer idea. Have you thought about how you're going to do it? Because there's like one way that you can do it where it's going to look really good and it's going to be super easy and it's going to make it look like you know your shit. And that way is Squarespace. What's the other way? Like I guess some other service where it'll be like, all right, start coding. And you're like, fuck, I don't know anything about it. You better put the stuff where it looks good. Watch the kerning or whatever. Squarespace like does that stuff for you. We've all used Squarespace to make websites that look extremely high quality, extremely professional. And you can too because it's easy. If you sell stuff, your goods or services, there's a bunch of different ways that you can get paid and sell those goods and services. You can generate invoices. You can streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. It's really whatever you need a website for. Squarespace is going to be an amazing way to do that. I'm not just a paid spokesperson. I'm a customer. I also use it. I have a new idea for a website where I get celebrities and people can commission them to hit home runs for them. In the spirit of Heater for the Big Boy, they'll hit home runs for the person. And then send them a video of it. It's called Whammyo. Whammyo. And that's for home runs. Squarespace will even let that happen. Squarespace will let that happen. Videos of home runs on behalf of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It barely stands up in the judgment of Christ's light, but I think that it will make it on Squarespace. It'll look good. We have a lot of celebrities already ready to go. Okay. Most of them are celebrity-like TikTok animals. Okay, so that's... I don't know how you're going to get a video of them hitting a dinger. Well, you know, there's some wire work. You have not thought this through. Head to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial, And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MYBROTHER to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Howdy there. So sorry to interrupt whatever amazing show you were listening to, but it's time for an ad. I'll be so quick and get back to your show. Don't worry. I'm host Austin, one half of a podcast called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries that I make with my good friend Brenda. We talk about the pop culture stuff you like, like Thundercats and Yu-Gi-Oh! Did you know that the Thundercats are cousins with Farrah Fawcett? Or that Yugel once caused a riot? You probably want to know more. You can find us at Maximum Fun or wherever you get podcasts. Every single Tuesday. The Wizards answer 8x8. The Cornclaves call to demonstrate their arcane gift. Their single spell. They number 64 until a conflagration. 63 and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die, till one remains to reign on high. Join us for Taz Royale, an Oops All Wizards Battle Royale season of the Adventure Zone. every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. I want a munch! I want to do the whole fucking thing, man. You can't just give me some of Frankenstein. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I was like a few bars in. I was like, heck yeah. Yeah, man. Okay, listen. Nailed it. Every eight bars, that song is like, let's shred in a different rad way. Yeah, I'm actually going to add a guy going. Drum solo. Weird, weird, weird drum solo. And they bring it the fuck out. I brought in a spaceman from Mars to do this part where he's like, Yeah, perfect. The Lenten season is upon us, as you know. I saw, I had to explain to Gus this morning as we were driving to school, he saw a bunch of people with ash on their forehead. And I had to explain what that meant. And there were maybe other conversations that would have been helpful to have with him before this conversation. Any kind of context, perhaps. Kind of just threw him right in the water. Kind of walked in when they're revealing the nature of the smoke monster. And it's like, you actually need to be here in the Hatch O'Connor. There's a lot. The Lenten season is upon us. And it does delight me that, despite them being largely agnostic most of the year, the fast food industry does fall all over itself to offer people seafood options for Fridays when they need to eat seafood. Doesn't it say a lot, though, about those options? I've always found this funny that they don't offer them the rest of the year. Like they know that these are the real B stringers where it's like, listen, we know, we know you don't have, you can't do this. I just like, I just, I'm not a, I'm not a Catholic as you know. I'm not as familiar with the rules of the Lenten season. I understand there's many religions that have, you know, rules about diet or whatever. So I don't want to be too flippant about that. I do, in my understanding, though, I don't think Jesus's idea was that for this certain time of year, you would play on seafood feasts every Friday. I don't think Jesus meant for you to have seafood feast Friday for this whole season. Yeah, exactly. He wanted more Filet-O-Fishes out there. So he took one, he divided the filet-o-fish and made enough for everybody to have some filet-o-fish. I'm sorry, I'm thinking about this now for the first time and I don't want to be self-religious or anything, but about three quarters of the disciples were fishermen. It's a little bit sus that he was like, oh, and one day of the week is only eat fish day. Yeah, oink. And make sure to stock up for leftovers. Is that any? Yeah, right. Make sure you pay your taxes on it, right, guys? you're into that smash burger introduces new shrimp lineup for lint okay so listen i'm gonna open an image is it i'm gonna tell you about these i'm gonna tell you about these these lineups that they have for lint okay but just imagine a god imagine a deity where you're like, this is what I'm eating for you. And Houdini's like, ah, good job. That's what I wanted you to do. Thank you for practicing restriction and moderation. Thank you. Thank you. Do this in remembrance of me. Smash this fried lobster roll. Thank you. You've truly shown a restriction in my fame. You could have had a hamburger today and you did it. Chat. Amazing. You just had butterfly shrimp with bang bang sauce. Okay. Chad, we're looking at like a Texas toast size French toast wrapped around a long and extraordinarily crunchy shrimp feast with a bunch of orange sprizzled across it. I do see what appears to be a bunch of orange sprizzled across it. And we have leaves. That is the heat of this bang bang sauce. It is my blood. Because I'm awesome, dude. We got two big baskets of popcorn dealios with French fries and everything. So it's, I mean, it looks good. Smashburger, the fast casual restaurant company that popularized what? Smashburger? Smashburger. Smashburgers introduced, that's what it says in the press release. Sure. Introduced its new shrimp limited time offerings, adding fresh seafood variety. Because I think freshness when I'm looking at this pile of brown. Fresh seafood variety for in time for Lent. Cool. Hey, can we do that by the way? Can we start press releases about us as like My Brother, My Brother, and Me, which popularized My Brother, My Brother, and Me? Yeah. Good point. At Smashburger, we're always looking for ways to bring fresh flavor and variety to our guests. And our new shrimp offerings do exactly that, said Tom Ryan, founder of Smashburger. How lucky. Lent is a time when many people look for seafood options, and we wanted to deliver something that meets that need while staying true to the great tastes our guests expect. The new shrimp lineup brings a delicious twist to the season. The season. Full of flavor and offered it a value that makes it easy for guests to enjoy something different. We know that the other 325 days of the year you guys think about eating like fish and shrimp and stuff that are in the ocean and you like ooh yucky Ooh yuck We know that So imagine you are sitting down to dinner okay And Travis, you're Jesus, okay? So I need you to see like you snuck up behind me and I'm eating dinner and just be like, ah, good job, Justin. What are you having? Hello, my son. Ah, Justin, my favorite. You're having a great lunch. What are you eating in my name? Scorching big shrimp roll. I'm doing it for you, Jesus. I'm eating a scorching big shrimp roll. It's a dozen crispy shrimp marinated in scorching hot spices, leaf lettuce, and remoulade sauce served on a butter toasted roll for you. I never asked you to do that, Justin. Thank you, Lord. No, there's so many other things that you should be worried about. Is this what you wanted in your Bible? what have you been which bible have you been reading justin i've given everything for you god because of you i'm eating a i wanted to get a burger smash burger instead i'm eating a scorching shrimp basket which is just two dozen crispy shrimp marinated in scorching hot spices served with french fries remoulade sauce and chipotle mayo jesus justin you're crying you're crying you're just chugging milk because i wanted a burger so much jesus but instead i have to eat Two dozen crispy shrimp served with french fries, remoulade sauce, and chipotle mayo. You didn't have to do that. You could have had like some nice tuna. Maybe like a salmon filet. No, Jesus, he couldn't have. Hi, I'm Jim Sullivan, CEO of Smashburger. Jim, my greatest enemy. How dare you, Jim? His quote starts, actually, Jesus. Actually, Jesus. Our new shrimp lineup is more than just a seasonal addition. It reflects our commitment to meeting guests where they are. and giving them fresh reasons to choose Smashburger. But shouldn't they be choosing me, Jim? No, no, Jesus. Taste has always been at the heart of our brand and our greatest competitive advantage. And now I guess we're adding Jesus into there and doing what he wants with these flavor-forward seafood options for Lent. We're reinforcing our leadership and fast casual and showing guests they can count on Smashburger for bold innovation and real value. I'm more of a Taco Bell man myself. That makes sense. That tracks. I wanted to get the scorching cheesy Mac smash. Jesus, can you make the Doritos Locos Taco come back at Taco Bell? It's the one thing I can't do. The one thing you can't do is bring back the Doritos, the specifically cool ranch Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. I can bring them back at limited locations. Listen, Griffin, it's called Good Friday, not Great Friday. I'm a cook. I love making all sorts of food, but one of my favorite ingredients to work with are beans. This week, me too. This week I made a large batch of red beans and rice and I've been loving it. My husband is not. This morning we had a full coming to God meeting where he told me that I was farting in my sleep all night. It was so bad that he had to leave the bedroom at 5 a.m. to go in the living room to escape my emissions. The problem is I still have two pounds of cooked beans in the fridge and about eight pounds dried in the pantry. I don't want to throw them all away but I can't trust myself not to keep ripping ass in the Twilight Hours. What should I do? That's from Garbanzo Glutton on the Gulf Coast. I think my first question is, why did this nasty dog wake up to smell your farts? That's crazy, yeah. Go back to bed, Gerald. You know what I mean? Like, why are you up huffing farts? Why, Gerald? Go back to bed, dude. There's no way, while you were dreaming, you smelled the smell where you were like, whoa, there's no way, dude. You're not fucking goofy. You're not goofy. You didn't get lifted up by the scent waves on your nose. No way, dude. No way. I woke up to the blanket floating six inches above the bed. Gerald, I'm on the iPad connected to your account. It says you have a timer set for 2 a.m. every morning that says it's fart time. Hmm. Do we need to talk about this? One bite of beans a day till they're all gone. Micro dose. Yeah, like your fucking Andy Dufresne. All beans scooping walled dust. What's – There's some beans, I mean, don't mess you up, you know? Yeah, sure. I do want to say, and I know this is maybe a privileged position to take, but there aren't many medicines out there that are more – there aren't that many medicines out there that are more sort of self instructed as to what they help with than Bino. Yeah. Bino is it. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's like if there was a, when you, if, if Dayquil was called like coldo or something like, like this is what you do. Sneezo. It's like, this is what you eat when the, when you have beans and it helps digest fibers better. And it also is like, and if you take it, there'll be no gas, and it's like, that's a double, that's a great- What? There's got all kinds of stuff going for it. You're done. You're done. It's the greatest product. It's crazy. That's one of those that you don't reach for often, but when you do, it always hits. Bino always hits. I'm gonna go to the master. Have you tried Bino? Yeah, dog. I'm gonna contradict my own one spoon a day idea, with one day, 10 pounds of beans, get it all over with in one night. Let your husband know, it's gonna be bad. Yeah. It's like the worst it's ever been, but for one night only, like a pay-per-view boxing match one night only. Yeah. When I was in college, actually, or actually right after I graduated, I did take a, I had a similar situation. I took a bean walk where it was two weeks and I just brought, I think it was eight pounds of uncooked beans with me in my satchel. And I had my pan and I would just find water sources and I would just travel. I mean, I traveled for weeks just farting and eating beans. Just ripping ass. It was a bean walk. And I actually, I made it to Dublin. I met Ewan there. Ewan. You fart hiked to Ireland? You fart him across the sea. You fart hiked to the Emerald Isles? I met Ewan there and he actually put me in his side car because I'd exhausted myself. Well, yeah. Because I had many nutrient deficiencies by that point. You crammed the eight pounds of beans, walked to Boston. Did a fucking Super Mario 64 backwards long jump ass rip. It was more of a baby stay out Mr. Magoo thing where I like walked into the wrong shipping container and it closed behind me. And did you keep walking in a shipping container just to keep your steps up? Yeah. And you died within an hour because of how you'd filled it up with your bean mistakes. You could also go spoon for spoon with your husband and just be like, hey, if you want these gone, we're doing this together. I eat a bite, you eat a bite. We're going to hold hands, you know, through the storm as they were. Man, I'd say throw them out, but then you're going to have way more beans. A lot of giants coming down. The giants coming down. Definitely. I was going to say, like, there's definitely, you know, places in your community that will accept beans. I will say two things. One, beans is kind of does take a long time to cook. And also, like, you don't necessarily want to give people who are in close quarters the gift of, like, here, why don't you guys eat a thousand beans? These make me fart so bad. Why don't all of you fart? This much of the beans made me fart so bad my husband woke up. So this many beans could. If you guys want to swim in them like Scrooge McDuck. There are so many foods in my pantry that I'm like, oh, you know what? I just remembered I have this thing. I can make this for dinner. And then like, I look at the instructions and they're like, Oh, do you want to have this for dinner? Start it yesterday. And I'm like, Oh, well I didn't do that. And then they remained there. Yeah. Yeah. Forever. You gotta, you gotta think about it. It's like cold brew coffee. When you think like, man, like people who make their own, like, man, I'd love to have some coffee tomorrow. Yeah. But I don't even want beans today, let alone tomorrow. Like, I don't, you know what I mean? I'm not going to set myself up like that. You do have to, it is, there is like i mean if the beans are done you've got to start eating the beans so you could kind of set up uh it's kind of like an alarm for yourself to eat beans like the beans are done now like you have to eat them you're kind of making you're forcing your own hand oh solved eat the beans right before you go to bed so that way they've let's call it what it is brewed overnight then you wake up you're farting throughout the day how long do you think this reacts you understand this is like a chemical reaction that pretty much works within then wake up in the middle of the night whatever time you're gonna have to do some scientific you're a mammal like you can't time your body like that you can't game the system you're not fucking four they have enough beans that they can run some tests they can work out the timing perfectly and then just have the circumstances happen throughout the day yeah there's just i'm saying there's like a rate at which you could eat the beans that is not by the spoonful that it is a bean every minute. And then you double it every day. And you're just slowly farting a little bit throughout the day? There's gotta be an amount at which the body's fart sensors aren't triggered. I'm saying you don't chew it, right? You just swallow it like a pill. You swallow a bean every minute or whatever. You don't chew it and you're just passing. They can't make you fart if you're passing them whole. It is so important that if you do this, no one ever sees you doing it because you'll never be able to explain it. Or they think you're on an extremely demanding medicine regimen, you know what I mean? And they feel super bad for you. Like, wow, Justin takes a lot of pills. Throughout the day, I see him popping beans. Why does he look inflated like the bad guy in Live and Let Die? Justin's floating away like a big balloon right now. Wait What do you mean I'm sitting on him now That's crazy He's a beanbag He's extremely comfortable Thank you so much for listening to our podcast I hope you've enjoyed it I hope so too Really though Yeah man Hey we got merch in the merch store Can I tell all the people all about it You better do that If you're as stoked about our year name as we are And I truly am guys i feel like i'm using it a lot because i'm the type of guy who wants to stop doing stuff a lot oh having a little little guy in my brain who's like make it stick that's really good stuff anyway we got a sticker for that if you need reminding from uh designed by lucas hespenhyde uh and uh we also if you didn't watch candle nice this past year we did it uh back in huntington at the keith alby live it was so much fun and you can watch the whole thing on demand as pay what you want. And our merch store is McElroyMerch.com. 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota. So check that stuff out. We got streaming stuff coming up at the McElroy Family YouTube channel. That's true. Tomorrow, the 24th, on Tuesday, is another clubhouse. Join us there on McElroy Family at noon Eastern time. Talk of the limps. What? What? We're talking about the limps. yeah we are going to be doing sort of Olympic jokes and then every other Tuesday so the last Tuesday of every month is going to be McElroy Family Clubhouse every other Tuesday at noon is Super McElroy Brothers playing our little video games our little digital games come check those out over at the McElroy Family YouTube channel and all our solo streams we're streaming almost every day every day over there oh also I have a book coming out March 10th It's a choose your own adventure book from the choose your own adventure company. I'm very, very excited. It's called the stowaway. You go to bit.ly slash Griffin stowaway and you can preorder that now. And it's $10 and it would mean a lot to me personally. Thank you so much. Do we think Montaigne? Thank you, Montaigne, for the use of our theme song. My life is better with you. It's a slapper. It's a clapper. It's a flapper. It's a trapper. Griffin, you have to decide. I haven't let's pretzel rod. I haven't gotten to throw in a couple episodes. Yeah, I think it is Travis's turn and I know that I don't want to contribute to food waste. I keep the pretzel rods like here all the time. Yeah, so Travis is going to throw his stuff to Miggie. Now, Travis is always makes me nervous because he has a lot of what looks like pretty breakable shit in his background. I'm always worried he's going to aim for the mic. Maybe that's best practice. Let's see. That's a good sound, though. That's a square fucking hit, dude. That sounded really good. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother. I mean, kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better with you. My life! Oh, it's better. It's better with you. My life! Oh, it's better. It's better with you. Is it true? Oh, it's better. It's better with you. My life! Oh, it's better with you. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.