#167 - Marie Faustin and Alex English

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Returning to the pod, two favorites, never been on together, I don't think. Alex and Marie, thanks for coming, guys. Look at us. It's not even Black History Month. Well, it actually is. It is, when this comes out. It is, yeah. Oh, Stavi, you're not. The first Monday of Black History Month. Oh, okay. We're kicking it off. It could be, I don't know, actually. It's definitely in February right now. I don't know if it will be exclusively black for Black History Month. You should do all black guests. That would be, and then never the rest of the year. The rest of the year, do what you do how you do it. The last episode of February should be Rachel Dolezal. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And Martin's the brain. A real hero. Rachel Dolezal is a real civil rights icon. And active. It is hilarious how she was just like, even after she got caught, she's like, yeah, whatever. And she's still challenged. She was doing OnlyFans for a while OnlyFans? Was she doing it in Blackface? No, I would say more like BeigeFace is what she was up to Did you watch that documentary? Years ago when it was on Netflix Oh, they had a documentary on Netflix She had a documentary It was so bizarre Because at one point, it was one of the final scenes She's in her bathroom She's doing her baby hair Remember that episode? Have you seen Set It Off? Yes. Remember the scene when Jada Pinkett Smith is in Mexico and she's like snapping and she's like cutting her braids off? There's a scene at the end of it. Oh, wow. It's on her bathroom floor. Scooping up this yarn, blonde yarn braids and putting them into a trash can. Oh, the symbolism. It was so funny. Does she have a man? I mean, I believe so. She's got like two or three kids. Oh, somebody hitting that? Yeah, I believe she does. she's married to a black guy yeah for sure oh absolutely oh my god the bar is hell she said i'm staying at home i'm not i'm not dating white dude i'm gonna be a white woman so i too can get a black man and i'm gonna get big yeah rachel rachel dozo was it was she had some interesting stuff going on if you go on her instagram there there is like a community of like black people who are like hey good morning queen yeah i'm doing the dole's all high absolutely go to her instagram yeah let's check it out look at that oh it's so fun now she's going afro latino now she's going dominicana her name is like nketchie or something like that right you know what you gotta tip your cap She not only go black, but be like, I'm African. Honestly, she looks darker than Rashida Jones. That's a white woman. You're so right. She is going. She said still arise. She's going for Rashida Jones with braids, 100%. Wow. Rachel. Yeah. We should get Rachel on the pod. You should have her. You should have Rachel. I would love to have her on the podcast. Are you kidding me? I'd love to ask, like, what started this, Rachel? Like, how did this happen? How did we get here? We all know white women that want to fuck exclusively black guys. And that is who she is, basically. She got like fake freckles now, too. No, because didn't we find out? Wasn't she like part of the NAACP? She was the head of it. She was the head of it. She was the head of like Spokane. It was in Spokane. She said, ain't no black people here. I will be the black person who steps up. But it's just like, that's... and I will I just have to tip my hat to like continuing after you're found she looks like Northwest right there oh man well damn good for her oh is that Nkechi Diallo that's her name Nkechi Diallo say her name say her motherfucking name Nkechi Diallo is fucking awesome dude but she kept at Rachel Doleswell because she had the she already had the clout yeah you know what I mean Nobody knows how to spell Nkechi. Eclectic. Let's pull up some more risque photos. This is how we're starting. Yeah. It doesn't have black, white only hands. Oh, yes. Come on. Oh, man. Right there. The first one in the corner. Yeah, that's good stuff. Her name is Nkechi, but she's naked in the woods. That's white woman behavior. Yeah, it's true. Through and through. yo those are the same exact braids she was snapping off in the day in the uh that's so fucking awesome she looks whiter than ever in that act yo marie you should be her uh for halloween that would be a good one that i am myself that is true i'm gonna be like in catchy diallo they're gonna be like who uh salute to rachel dole uh anyway nice nice to have you guys back Marie, only a half hour late, even though we're not in Queens. You were weirdly more on time when this was in Queens. What happened? What happened today? I would leave my house the day before for Queens. I'm not going to lie. You said, let's record at 2. I left my house at 2. Also, yesterday when she asked me to come out with her, she was like, next show. Yesterday you was like, next show, you at the podcast tomorrow. And I'm like, she texted me. She's like, of course. Because he said he didn't know the address. He said I didn't want him to go to Queens. I would have went to Queens had you not told me. Right. That's good. That's good. I would have been knocking on your neighbor's door like, we're doing a party here. Isn't she in there? Reggie did that to Amina. He told her the wrong day. And she came when no one was home. And she was just knocking. She just was in a story, huh? But Amina took the train, so it only cost her $2.90 and, I don't know, two hours of her life. Of course. Of course. it's that that's what you can't get back the hours of life but you know what are you gonna do how how's everybody doing man alex you're back you're fresh from los angeles los angeles a hollywood power player i was i was i went from that to uh texas austin comic for a month okay you was at uh joe rogan in them's house i walked past that club every single time did not go inside oh you didn't say no i saw them i saw them ar-15s i was like no no no no no Are they in the window? They're in front of the club. Oh, yeah, they have, like, secured. They have, like, retired Green Berets. Well, they need that. They got ICE agents. I don't think they got ICE agents, but they got guys that if they didn't have that gig, they might be looking at ICE.gov applications. And based on some of the stuff that goes on inside that club, yeah, you need some guns outside of it just to catch them. No, no. Imagine the insane people that are like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan. Like, imagine the, like, because we're talking about guys who are, like, conspiracy guys. They probably think Joe is giving them, like, giving them signals. Like, the Liver King was trying to, like, fight him or something. You remember that? Liver King lost his mind. I didn't hear about this. He was eating cat testicles or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd go crazy too for him. No, he lost his mind. But, yeah, shout out to the Green Berets guarding the mothership. But it was cool. I mean, I had, you know, I had a decent time. i like it was fun yeah i liked it you every you might have had too much fun in la what were we up to alex i was working okay working with an e i was working okay and no i just like like i had never been in la i was in like six months i I had never been there that long. I've been there a few times in and out. But what I realized was you can't take one selfie with a palm tree behind you without people. My friends are like, oh, look at you. You love L.A. I'm like, I never said I hated it. You just said you liked it, though. I never said I hated it, though. Also, I never lived there long enough to hate it. The lady doth protest too much, Alex. Sounds like you fucking loved L.A. Sounds like you're moving back. It was fine. I just was like, oh, but it's not New York. I'm like everything I'm walking everywhere looking homeless oh yeah I was walking all over LA like why everybody I literally had like three separate friends on three separate occasions texting me I saw you walking yeah yeah yeah they said you good where's the guy from me babe at no point during any of those texts anybody saying I was going to turn around and come right either I'm like this city is fake yeah interesting that might be Alex but I don't want to be racist that could yeah yeah that could be any black guy with a backpack i just walk i just walking everywhere but i mean got like a farmer's tan i like the sun was always i was like i had the thighs out you had the thigh back i had i had to i mean you had to it was like 90 degrees every day beautiful yeah i'm jealous it was all right i love i love the sun i love getting out there i love getting tanned up this has been very hard for me i went to the i did a little uh wellness retreat in the desert over the like the heart of the winter like december january it was fucking awesome that i come back here i'm depressed i need the sunshine i mean it's been 50 degrees in new york so shout out to global warming that hot beach yeah it's been pretty good uh but yeah in fact we're doing i had we're doing we have a studio upstairs we're doing this because i pulled my ass cheek muscles and i'm in i'm in a chair that supports deadlifts unfortunately a cable deadlift crazy because given how i live my life i have never it's crazy that happened to you and never to me it is true it is true all you're also had i haven't engaged in an addictivity in a long time shut up oh you're you're a celibate man now no no no no you're like like switched up you're top what's what you mean you've got to say in french do you mature into topping is that what is we talked about this right right right we've discussed right getting being a bottom is a childish activity since i was like 31 yeah i feel like being a bottom is like peak gay yeah like varsity gay right right right topping you know any straight the closer you get you can fuck an ass yeah yeah yeah but the closer you get to having to go and get a colonoscopy, I think you gotta, like, you know, wrap it up. Wrap it up and use your front. Yeah, if you've had polyps removed, you can't get your ass fucked anymore? And Loki might be sitting on one right now. I need to check it out. You wanna sit on the hot thing that he's sitting on for his butt? Yeah, yeah, I literally have the heating pad on, Alex. Interesting. Now, then I feel bad, though. What if an old guy wants to get his ass fucked? I'm sure he's still doing it. Oh, there's plenty of porn out there. You can look it up. Old men are getting wrecked out here. And every time I see these videos, I'm like, because there's a lot of videos that you know how on Twitter you just like swipe. It's like, oh, I'm watching gay sex. Sure. Of course. You know when you jump on X and you see sex? When you're on X, the everything app. You never know where you're going to. It truly is everything. There is a section of that place where like you'll scroll and you'll see gray pubes getting pounded. Gray pubes? Missionary style. And I'm like, oh, Unc, Granddaddy. You know what I get? I need to change my algo. You know what I get a lot? I get women on a roller coaster and their tits almost pop out. I get that video over and over again and I watch every second of it. Every time you're like, come on, this one's going to pop out. And they never do. They never show nipple, which is fucking bullshit. One's got to pop out. Stop. You need to write a letter to your congressman. starts showing tits on roller coasters what's our algorithm giving on what x anything whatever yeah uh that's true what kind of media do you even consume right now i'm getting a lot of cam newton content outfit of the day yes scarecrow of the day now i will say i can see cam new a cam Newton style guy being with a Rachel Dolezal. Oh, really? To come all the way back. Yeah, but I feel like she might be too smart for him. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, he got a lot of CTE under the head. I don't know. I think she got some CTE in there, too. Yeah, absolutely. I think they are actually equally yoked. It is funny. He's decided he's a philosopher now. Oh, my God. And he's those conductor's hats and the like. When you make Natalie Nunn look intelligent, someone said he dresses how he spells and he can't spell he loves weird fonts he loves yeah I didn't know but all his captions used to be in hieroglyphics yep yep he loves giant hats he looks like he just like dove into a pile of clothes and was like ta-da this is how I feel every day is laundry day at his house like what is this He cut the top off? Yeah. He does cut the top off of his head. Pulled up to the scene with a ceiling missing? I saw him from behind at the Atlanta airport like a year or two ago. You recognized him from his? I was like, that's Cam Newton. You recognized him from his butt or his hat? The hat. He was wearing a suede, pinstripe suit is probably why. He looked something. I just was like, you know how you can tell who Fran Lebowitz from behind? Like, you know that person. I don't know. Fran Lebowitz from behind. I feel like there's a lot of Fran Lebowitzes in this neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. Get her on the pie. A bunch of Edna's from the back. Yeah. Yeah, he looks like Joseph in his coat of many colors. So what are you getting? What do you get? Like his wisdom? If he rolled up, would you go out with him? Absolutely not. If you didn't know who he was, and you rolled up on you with this outfit on, you wouldn't? I'd be like, oh, eclectic. Yeah. Yeah, how long could somebody dressed like that have a conversation with you, do you think, Marie? um free of the baggage i'm gonna start from the top and work my way down and then come back up right and be like wow that's an interesting pin are these glasses for real or for fake yeah he looks like he pops the lenses out of his um frames yeah i mean the hats are really interesting what did happen i guess you're right he has like nine cte yeah yeah yeah and they all dress him together yeah everyone everyone everyone picks an article of clothing that's what it's giving it's like a kindergarten art project yeah yeah so yeah i guess stuff like that i get dating content a lot um and uh yeah let's see what else is on my what kind of dating kind like people talking about uh the last thing that i saw was this girl said she messaged the guy she was supposed to go on a date with and she said hey are we going 50 50 on this date and or or not and he's like yeah let's go 50 50 so she said she showed up in sweatpants with no makeup and one of her nails was missing and he said i wish you would put a little bit more effort and she said why we just hanging she goaded him into it though and a light bulb appeared above marie's head I said, oh, I could be ashy on this. I could show up late and crud. Well, yeah, she said, you know, I'm just hanging with the bro. What would I put makeup on? That's crazy. That's the philosophy. But it's also crazy to, like, waste one of your evenings that way. You know what I mean? Why would she even do that? Then it's like, if you know you're not going to date a guy who wants to go 50. although i will say she kind of trapped him into it because he didn't he didn't he wasn't he's like oh she must be some she must have some moral philosophical thing where she wants to go 50 50 whereas he might have not he might have just paid for the whole i would never if he wanted to i would pay if he wanted to he would okay but see this this is the mind games portion of modern dating where it's like she puts 50 50 even in his mind that never was any he didn't say let's go man why are you trying to go dutch with me i'm not listen i'm never splitting a check on unless it's like some kind of crazy we've been dating forever and it's like just normalized kind of you get me but even then i feel like it's like oh i'll get this one whatever yeah i mean whatever at this point i'm i've made a hilarious amount of money i'm not i'm not going 50 50 in my mind if we've been together for a while and i want to pick up the check i'll pick up the whole thing i'm not we That's fair. For sure. I don't even go 50-50 with my friend. With Elvis or whatever, it's like, well, I fucking pay for everything. You don't have a corporate card? Yeah, me too. Elvis is like, I got this one. It swipes the corporate card. I pay for it after all. I'm like, Bob, you need a coffee? If you do, I'll use the corporate card. No, he's mine. You fucking piece of shit. You can't get one fucking coffee. I buy every fucking meal. You living good, Jay? No, no, it's true. But I mean, like, even, you know, like, let's say a friend of an equal bank account. You're right. We're never going 50-50. It's like, all right, you get this one. I get the other one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm listening to y'all, and I'm just like, heterosexuality is a prison. Yeah, well, gay guys don't even, might not even speak with their voices. There might just be text messages. You might have never heard him talk. Gay guys, one of them not even going to eat. Eating. He's like, I ate at the house. And then the one who does, we just don't pay. We leave. Yes, dine and dash, baby. All 2026, we dine and dash. And that's what I call eating ass. Dine and dash. I eat and I leave. Now, is that behavior change? Because you're saying you're topping now. What are you still doing? When you're topping, you're eating way more ass than you've ever had in your life. Oh, good for you. That comes with the territory. Yeah, you know, but you know, you got to be careful. You got to sniff first. Well, they doing all that prep. Not always. They're not always prepping up. Not always. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Literally. Not to be crass. Alex, this is where you can't be crass. Not to be crass. This is a Christian program. My pastor is watching. But back in my bottoming days, I never, zero accidents on my end. Good for you. So I don't get how these boys are running around here. Thank you. Thank you. Because nobody's applauding at home. The boys are saying, come as you are. It's awesome to take a pull-up-your-pants approach to getting your ass fucked. Like a Bill Cosby. Like, where's the decency? When I got my ass fucked, my hole was clean. These boys these days don't know anything about a bidet, an enema, not even a wipe. I'm telling you, if Cosby actually came back on that platform, he would get me back. He would. That is the voice of the people. conservative homosexuals for bill cosby's release is connie in jail or is he he's out oh no he's in jail so he was like oh he was released 2021 i forgot about that yeah yeah i forgot about that he looked right up out of there he wasn't even in prison for like a year was he well diddy's been in jail for longer i mean you think they eating his ass in jail or you think did he's i think he's doing a i think he's having a great time i think he's having a blast i think he's probably like for someone like diddy prison can't be that bad no it's like it's people in there that love your music oh that's true i tell you well hold on hold on diddy's music who the fuck loves diddy's music old niggas in prison you're right somebody's stupid enough to be a criminal in the 90s Yeah, exactly. Somebody with a Walkman in jail is still riding with Diddy. And they're not listening to I'm coming home. No, we're at Summer Jam's 1997 and shit. Like, that was it. What is Diddy? What is, like, Diddy? Like, I guess, what even are his, like, Missing You iconic verses? I'll be missing you. Can't nobody hold me down. Yeah. I still play that from time to time. That sounds amazing. You know, he's on the greatest cuck anthem of all time, too. What's the Mario song? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to know. I don't want to know, yeah. Which is maybe it's the craziest cuck song of all time. He's like, listen, go get fucked. Keep it on the low. Listen. I'm too delicate to know about you sucking other guys off. But keep at it. Just be cool about it. And if you're playing me, keep it on the low. That's insane. That's an insane life philosophy. I'm curious. wrote that song because who was singing that mario mario whining but there was another rapper on that it was on it diddy was on it was it loom wasn't diddy on it diddy was diddy was on it yeah what's diddy's verse from that let's let's let's let's look for clues oh yes this is fun uh because he i mean he literally thought he was like one of like the top 10 rappers dead or alive and then that fucking the when he just the cat the um godzilla soundtrack song where he's just doing the led zeppelin song i don't want to know where you were abouts or how you're moving oh so he's a cuck in this too i know when you were in the house and when you're cruising it's been proven my love you're abusing and i can't understand how a man got you choosing so this is him being mad that he's getting so did he at least shows a little fight as a cuck whereas mario rolls over completely like he's like he's arguing it at one point you in the suv you wanted ice so i made you freeze so diddy's basically like how dare you you whore i mean you hot like the west indeed i could have written this this is a horrible verse it's like you can tell when he's gotten his shit ghost written and when he's like you know what diddy's working the pen this time because it's not then it's best you leave holla yeah yeah so diddy at least shows a little fight You can leave. Did it say who wrote it? Imagine it was R. Kelly. I mean, it could have been. Now, R. Kelly's music is everywhere. I understand if a criminal is like, oh, R. Kelly's the man. Because even law-abiding citizens secretly will listen to some R. Kelly from time to time. Listen, off the record? Yeah, yeah. Turn the mics off. Off the record? You put the mic real low? Off the record? Yeah. I'll listen to one R. Kelly song, but only in airplane mode. So the stream don't count. And is it, I still believe I can fly? No streaming numbers. R. Kelly is the world's greatest. Yeah, the world's greatest. You know, I've always had this idea that I think, this is how we get to listen to his music. Let's hear it. Is if all of his music gets split up and it gets remade by John Legend and Genuine. john legend john legend for the spiritual songs the whole thing about r kelly is that there was an edge even to the spiritual like it made like i believe i can like there's some behind him john legend you you let him talk it sounds like church it sounds like church in a bad way yeah it sounds a little bit slave hemmy. Yeah, yeah. But R. Kelly's singing. Not to help. Not to help soundtrack. He's crazy. Right, it's like civil rights. Selma. Selma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like John Legend makes music that you listen to in the back of the bus. Yeah, sure, sure. But yeah, R. Kelly music does sound like he was wearing leather pants. Yeah, yes, yes. No draws. No draws. Full commando. Me and Elvis did a drive when they had ruined every airport and they were just canceling every flight three or four months ago or whatever. We were on the road in North Carolina, Greensboro. We had to drive back. Our flights got canceled. We drove through the night. We did the shows. We got done at midnight, and we just drove to Baltimore and then New York the next night. It was like a four or five-hour drive. when things got really dicey we threw on R. Kelly's what mixtape was that? The Demo, his The Gangster Girls I remember that It's a great mixtape I remember this It was like He did a remix of Best I Ever Had from that era Every Girl in the World There was some great stuff Every Girl And honestly, can I say that one did make me uncomfortable? Because that was like a criminal big like, this is my crime. I would love to fuck literally every woman, no matter what age. Even the ones who haven't been born yet. He's such a pedophile, he's trying to like fuck a guy's balls. He's like, there's girl embryos in this jizz. Have you heard that Biggie lyric? That one big. Yes. I was. You so fine. I wish I could suck your daddy. You know what that is? That's a Richard Pryor line. Oh, that's right. Who was bisexual, but no one ever gave him credit for it. The first bisexual. Famously bisexual. Stand up comedian. That's right. The first bisexual black man. Mm-hmm. Yeah. In the history of the world. Mm-hmm. Woo. That is true. That is three months. Couldn't be me, but, you know. Imagine being. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. You wouldn't let somebody's dad's dick? That's a lot. Well, depending on the dad. Yeah. Depending on the dad. But not because the girl was hot, is what Alex is saying. Just because the dad was hot. I mean, I wasn't going to be like, damn, girl, you fine. You got a daddy? Okay. You got a brother? No, you got a daddy? You got a daddy? We've all seen a hot dad. We've all seen a hot dad. Of course. That always trips me up when you just, there's a hot girl, and then you meet her dad, and she has his face. And I'm like, oh, damn. Well, so, stop. Is this the same in the Greek community? When, like, in the black community, when someone tells you that you look like your dad, it's usually an insult. You look like your dumb ass daddy You know what I mean I look like my dumb ass daddy Really you have your dad straight Yeah Cause like I feel like Yeah But it is like a thing where like women Who look like their fathers end up being gorgeous And then guys who look like their mother You see how he fixed it That's what they say People for some reason you're like The hottest guys have like slightly feminine features and the hottest women have slightly androgynous features. And the examples they'll give is like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Like Brad Pitt kind of has like a girl's lip when he was young. Yeah. Like full lips or whatever. And Angelina Jolie had like severe bone structure. But now their kids aren't as cute as you would think they'd be. Well, they're all adopted. Well, there's one. They got three biological kids together. Okay, that's right. There is one that I think looks just like Brad Pitt. And I think. Shiloh? I think Shiloh's trans or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it's something like that going on in their family. It's like one. It's always one. It's always one now. If you don't have a trans kid, you need to have another baby. All your kids are straight? That's crazy. Sis? Oh, sis straight. Yeah, you got all sis kids. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. Because if you're straight in 2026, that's gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fully straight, you mean? Did you grow up getting whoopings? I got a couple here and there. But when you really fucked up, I would get. i used to get lashing i used to get the belt well my parents would my grandma would pretend she just didn't have it in her to hit us and then we were real pieces of shit she would hit us with a shoe uh and then my shoe we're talking like a slipper slipper that's not even really not a boot not a platformer there was one do you ever be our last whooping like a last like well that's that one was like my dad was kind of like i think he could sense that in like a year this would just be two men fighting yeah so it really it honestly was a little too close no it was my last one he was like all right got time to get my money's worth he fucked me up honestly yeah and that probably uh really uh set back our relationship i would say for maybe a decade because he was a grown man with a fucking lacrosse stick just being like i thought you were going to be home i was like and i felt i was pissed off because i was like i was hey i was like eating chinese food with two girls i was like dad i'm trying to be cool and get pussy you should respect me for this literally it pissed me off i can't remember the last whooping that i remember mine it wasn't even a whooping it was the day my mom realized that the belt wasn't working anymore so like i had just it was like when i was starting to get taller than her and i remember like i had done something i know i did something yeah and uh she hit me with the belt and i was getting annoyed more than it was like yeah yeah yeah so she backed up and i started bawling my fists up Oh, my God. She was like, oh, you want to hit me? And she got in my face like I was some random nigga on the street. Change tactics. She dropped the belt and then she punched me in my chest. Good for her. Good for her. She was like, oh. And that's how you raise the yo. Good black boys. Punch them in the chest. Good gay black boys. She was like, oh, you want to hit me? I was like, she punched you in the chest. I'm like, I don't even like pussy no more. Then when my dad hit me for the first time, my dick got hard. Whoa, we need to talk about Freud about this. I was like, you don't even know what you just did. My dick got hard It crazy Oh my god so you do like dance You liar. That's why I don't have no sleep. I couldn't see you, I mean I could see you being a bad little kid, but I couldn't see you getting... You're probably an annoying child. You're probably an annoying energetic child. I got whooped. I was an annoying child because I would hear my parents talk shit about people and then when the person would come visit, I would tell them. Oh, you were that kid? I'd be like, oh my God, my mom said you don't have a husband. My mom said you got so fat your husband left. Oh my God. What goes on in this house stays in this house and throw me in the back. What goes on in this house stays in this house. And you're like, no, what goes on this house is for the streets. Nah, my parents are gossips. So I would listen and be like, this is the guy that can't read. I heard you ain't got no job. they said you don't work that's fucking awesome and you're getting cheated on by your wife yeah tea spilling tea were you bad in other in other centuries me uh yeah i used to steal i was a klepto as a kid i was i had a long career too i could have went pro she was a criminal i could rob the loo what were we taking oh i used to steal from like the school store so i used to steal everything pencil erasers fans and then i was stealing snacks out of kids backpacks that i like oh you was at school getting crazy backpacks it was personal my parents always my mom always gave us really healthy snacks right pretzels was like a fun snack right in dunker rose yeah they got gushers yeah they got the the crackers with that weird cheese and the little red stick my parents weren't giving me that wait so what kind i'm so since it's that you what was your cereal looking like at the crib um like cereals um unflavored cornflakes we could put a spoonful of sugar oh my god um but my mom would get us like golden grahams and stuff like that i mean it was interesting it's still like elderly cereal yeah uh cinnamon toast crunch i remember she got that i ate that every day for like a week but no snacks she allowed you to have a good cereal but no snacks Yeah, she was sending me to school with, like, yogurt and apple slices, a tangerine. It's like they're eating popcorn. She pushed you into crime. Their teeth are falling out. I want that. Yeah, absolutely. She did push me into crime. Because then when I got to high school, we were stealing from the mall. We were going to Target. My friend was dropping us off like, team one, go. Half of us would jump out. And then she'd be like, team two, go. And she was the driver, so she'd be like, I'm not going to go in and steal, but make sure you get something for me, too. Right, of course. So that's how we got the getaway car. Of course. When I was in middle school, I was on the basketball team. We had this. Listen, I was not playing a lot. I was also on the middle school basketball team. I was on the middle school basketball team. I was also on the middle school basketball team. There we go. I was only on the team because my mama was fine and the coaches wanted to see her every day. That was truly it. Really? That's what I believe. I'm like, there's no way. I'm pretty sure there were like several other boys that could have been on the team that I got over me. But my mama was gorgeous. Do you think there were any Forrest Gump situations in your life, Alex? Absolutely. What's a Forrest Gump situation? Well, Forrest Gump couldn't get into school because he was mentally disabled. And let's just say his mom had a little agreement with the principal that got him into school. Damn. My mama always say. I don't think my mama was giving it up, but she was making them believe that she was alluding to like, if you want to see me, you got to put them on the thing. That's how you get what you want. You gotta have them think they got a chance. But we were on the team, and it was like around Christmas time, and we had a social studies teacher who would sell potato chips to us for like 50 cents to a dollar. It was like a dollar. Okay. That's awesome that the teacher did that. That should be for a kid. You could always tell the kid who's going to become a drug dealer, because he was the one in elementary school that would buy wholesale chips and send them to you. I used to sell burnt CDs. I used to put songs on CDs. The CD kid was always a great kid. Alex is jammed with a CD. Oh, there's a guy. There's the CD kid for sure. I didn't have a CD kid. You bought your fucking albums as a kid? No, I guess my brother was the CD kid because he would just, you know. Oh, you had the burner at home? Yeah. Oh, see, this is a time where you didn't ride around. I'll tell you about an old time back in the day when we had these little machines. Some kid would have the 8 CD burner. Yeah, a lot. I'm like, because I, because I, of course, we all, oh, okay. Speaking of that, please. When my, I don't know if I've ever told you about this, please. This dad in prison from home stories. But when my dad came home from prison, he was, he had, he was married. And like, I used to go over to their house to stay or whatever. And they had this, they had, they had LimeWire or Kazai on their computer, on their home computer. So just like I was doing at my house, I was like downloading gay porn. burning it to a CD. And you would have to let it go overnight, right? Or at least I had dial-up. Sometimes in the video it's like a long time. I would tie up the phone line all night. So if someone had to go to the hospital... That loud-ass connection. There's just these ladies sucking dick and shit. And I would wake up... You could tell when I was downloading pornography because I would be like, a beautiful day. I'm up at like 7 a.m. Ready to check the progress. Christmas morning. It's like 44%. Something happened. There was an error. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. I downloaded it to my dad's house computer. Uh-oh. And so didn't think of it. Leave. I remember I was driving. I was driving from like... I was driving in a car with my mom from like IHOP or something like that. And we get a call from my dad. also like doesn't really like just got out of prison doesn't really know how the technology works he just finds gay porn on his computer like he's like are they putting this on computers his wife my stepmother found it okay they called my mom we were in the car they called my mom and they were like uh is alex looking at gay porn because it's all this gay porn on our computer it faved on the desktop it was like the internet history and shit and so at the time at the time i was not aware of like deleting the search history so my mom was like she almost crashed the car she was like are you looking at gay porn at their house you know i was like oh my stepsister did that that ain't got nothing to do with me yeah you said heated rifle that couldn't be me i lied all so at this point your mom doesn't know you're gay or she doesn't know you're looking at porn what are we talking about this was like what do you think she's like great great so i'm sure there were like little things here there but she just you definitely wouldn't have been okay with it of course she cool with it now though she cool with it now though which is kind of crazy i'm like girl you are not who you were i mean i think that's the thing our parents get older and then they get like softer and like chill yeah um i don't know not my mom the older my mom gets the more religious she's becoming and it's like girl why are you reading this bible again yeah it's not a good It's the same story. We get it. He dies in the middle, not even at the end. How does it end? What's the end of the Bible? Don't ask me. I'll read that. It ends with the world ending. Oh, that's the final chapter. Yeah, yeah. Revelation. Come on. I didn't go to vacation Bible school. Tell us how the Bible ended. I did, but I wasn't. I did go to vacation Bible school, but did not remember most of it. Listen. Revelation is the end. Okay. Interesting. That's why those people be outside with the sign that said the end is near. And it's like it's been near for 59 years. The end has happened like for several decades. Yeah. We're probably not too far away from like because there was like in the 1800s every like five years there was a cult that's like world's ending. I feel like we've got to be getting close to those times. I think we're close. Yeah. I mean how many people did COVID wipe out? COVID got rid of a lot of people. COVID. How many people do you think died from COVID? I hope he did his big one. Well, I remember before when I opened for I've told a story a bunch of times, but Eddie Griffin and he was way back in the day. Yeah, I know this. And he was really he thought now he didn't know about COVID, but he thought Obama was going to force us to take vaccines that turned us into zombies. Go on Instagram account. I'm sure I'm sure when COVID happens, this all falls right into Eddie Griffin's version of how the world's ending. I didn't know he was so Tiki Tiki Boom I'm telling you go on that Instagram account Your algorithm gonna be all fucked up I don't even mess with my algo Because I like it how it is I heard he be at the cellar cutting up Cutting? He pops up with like a big ass Security guard apparently I was in the lounge like a year ago He was like there talking so loud During the middle of my set And I could see him I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? I was an undercover brother. Great movie. Great movie. By the way, I just rewatched Corky Romano. Great stuff as well. That's that period of Chris Kattan. Really good stuff. What happened to that man? He's still out here. He's moving slow. Shit's not going good for Chris Kattan. He had like a real bad neck injury or something like that. And then he got addicted to some type of medication, pain medication. Alex, you know everybody's business. I knew when you were four. No, I saw him at Skank Fest like two years ago. He was on the lineup. He was on the lineup. And he was like having to be like walking. Recession indicator. He had to be walked. He had to be walked. I mean. He had to be like assisted walking around and stuff. It didn't look good. I saw him at the 50th too and it was the same situation. He had a walker with the tennis balls underneath it? He was almost. No, that was. Cher? No. Cher had a young ass boyfriend. She's a young ass fiance. We saw Cher. We saw her at the SNL after party. And she passed by me. And Alex was right next to you. She was like this close to my face. And I was like, I'm going to say something. I don't know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to figure it out. Of course. So she walks by saying, hey Cher, you look fab. She looked at me. She didn't make any facial expression. She literally was like. And then her 32 year old boyfriend pulled her away. And Alex is in my ear. Hey, Cher, you look bad. It was one of the rare moments where, because, you know, Marie interacts with people and they give her everything. So it was the one time where I would have loved to see that. She was at here. I would have loved to see you. You should have been like, girl, let's look at Rihanna's in my DMs every day. You don't even look that good, bitch. I was talking to your boyfriend. We have the same initials, me and Sharers, man. Hey, fun fact. Okay, that's barely a fun fact. But Alex, don't sound even really your initials. Okay, okay, well, don't be getting into my business now. We're supposed to get everybody else's business. Not the stage name. Wait. But wait. I know you. Mr. Hey, hey, hey. Bleep that out. Bleep that out. Bleep that out. Mm-mm. No, you will not. We have the same initials. So also, that's Amber Rose's ex-baby daddy? Oh, really? Yeah. So you know how Amber Rose has that tattoo across her forehead now? Yes. It's about Cher's fiancé? Is he her fiancé? Or whatever. I think they got engaged. I thought, okay, they were engaged. Let me tell you something. Before that interaction, I saw Cher, and they were sitting at the same table eating dinner, and I saw her fiancé cutting up her food for her. Hey, man. You want to be in the wheel or not? What you think I'm paying you for? And you better see that you mean You better blow on it Before you put it in my mouth I was like I could not believe What I was saying Oh I could But I was just like Oh okay I wasn't supposed to see that You want to cash in Some of Sonny Bono's stocks? Then you better Fucking cut up That fucking chicken cutlet Do you think you can do that When you become An older lady? If I'm old And I have a young If I'm old So never be old Never Vampire If when I'm old And I have a young A young blue Like you like pushing on Oh yeah Would you do that? Young thing I could actually see that. Yeah, I could do that. Yeah. I think I'll be able to do that. I could definitely see that for you. And I'm still going to be wearing crop tops. With grommets in them. With loose skin, just like. Yeah. I think that's it. Like, when you're old, you should be allowed to do whatever you want. I fully agree. I think there's, like, two ways you could go as an old person. You could be, like, chilled, stoner, like, old person that don't give a damn. Or you get, like, real, like, angry and, like, get off my porch type. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old. I think I'm going to be the cool old. Yeah, you got to go chill. You want to be a chill old person. And then you decide, like, you know, what kind. There's also different types of chill old people, right? Like the stoner one, that's another one. I think there is classic grandpa, grandma is a great one, too. Get fat as shit, wear plaid, whittle. You know what I mean? Socks with sandals. Socks with sandals, bake incredible desserts. You don't cook anything savory anymore. You're purely a dessert cooker. Walk around the house with your robe open, just titties loose. Yeah. That's what it means. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Sounds awesome. We're going to be greeting young men at your door like Samantha Jones. With my old young nudes in the foyer. Yeah, you like that? That's me. I still look like that. They're like, okay. Titties on the floor. Where do you want me to put your Amazon packages? Where do you want me to set this dialysis machine up? yeah i guess like i could definitely see that uh i guess i could see you just cycling through and never actually having a meaningful relationship too you know no i think this is the year i'm ready to i'm ready to because every guy i date the guy after him is better okay i feel like this is the year that i meet the person i'm gonna spend the rest of his life with because you know men die faster if you push them down the stairs oh also it's like great like i i think about that too where it's like yeah i mean you don't want to be the second person in a loving marriage you want to be the one that dies first they have to deal with all the bullshit you know what i mean i'd rather die and then i don't want to fucking plan the love of my life's funeral eldest you're going way before your wife you're you're definitely going first yeah you're like a fucking great dane they live till nine me too by the way i'm fat as shit whoever i end up with she's probably gonna be younger too and i'm fat like i'm gonna be 25 yeah yeah i'm going share they're gonna find me dead somewhere oh no you're a prison dad the prison dad obsession is gonna go too far i think i would just like be in my home alone and just be like they're gonna find you when they do a wellness check like no kids no no no no family you have a dog or something a dog with like big droopy ears i can't have a cat it's gonna eat me no because the cat will yeah cat will eat you i don't know well yeah what are you saying oh man but see here's okay here's here's okay yeah so when i was like 17 18 19 even in my that's a lot of ages yeah like just in my younger phase late teens a lot of older guys were used to hit on me like i used to always get like guys in their 30s and 40s even 50s talking to me and so i would i would invite that i'd be like let's just say 18 and 19 for the purposes of this podcast let's just go ahead and leave 17 out of it well we were just talking about r kelly so it's on team yo yo i legit had when i was like you know when first when facebook first started you know i was like 16 17 so i was 16 yeah okay you're going the wrong way i'm telling you i had there was consistently and this is bad but i used to have a dude that would like message me on facebook who was like well into his 50s being like happy birthday are you 18 yet oh wow you should say send me money for my birthday yeah i'm almost trying to get that kind of attention but i also didn't like shy from it i'd be like yeah i'm fucking this old dude whatever you know just feeling myself and now that i'm 37 my taste is kind of gone in reverse to younger oh but not that damn young okay drake no no no no no no no no let me tell you something i was when i was in austin they i didn't realize i forgot that that's like a college town right so i would go to these bars and hang out and like they would have signs that say like minor cover and I was like, mine are cover? Who? It was like, oh, these are 18, these bars around here are 18 and up. So you're walking around and all these young dudes, you know, sometimes they would try to talk to me. I'd be like, I need your ID. I know you got up in here. One time, one of these little boys, they gave me, they gave me the ID. I could tell it was fake. I was like, this is fake. This guy tried to fake ID so he could suck you off. I was like, I was like, it said Mick Lovin. And Alex said, I like some Mick Lovin. Listen, he gave me the ID. I was like, look, I'm not about to tell on you or nothing, but you got to get the fuck out of my face i don't know how old you are but you cannot talk to me no i refuse respect i refuse you're not gonna go josh you're not gonna get the same fate as josh giddy is what you're saying i mean i i mean you know how i would do it an nba player who like met a girl at a club and she was underage but he's like you know you're not gonna catch me slipping on that not whatsoever but i will say i would do it i would do it the uh the david geffen way which is which is did he kill his fucking no no that's a different that's a different dave the the the disney is he disney what was some kind of he's one of them overlords yeah uh he got oh by the way doing a private text couldn't have looked it up or anything like that he also famously was married to Cher. Oh, really? He got married to Cher back in the day. Like, back in the day. But he's gay. Oh, so... Oh, he went to Brooklyn College. That is maybe the gayest thing you could... If you had to marry a woman and you picture, that's the gayest choice possible. Have you seen his documentary? Maybe Liza Minnelli is gay. He's worth $9.2 billion. Hey, David, if you're watching this, I'll spoon feed you for the cake. He don't want you to say it. He want me. James! Dave. What was David Geffen up to? He was married to this guy, Donovan Michaels, this black guy. They just got a divorce last year. They met on Seeking Arrangement. Oh, the Sugar Baby one. He was suing him for a whole much money. Holy shit. Who sued him? The ex-husband. I think he was asking for $200,000. He wasn't asking for a lot. $200,000? Something like that. $8 billion, you only get $200,000? He said, I'm not trying to be greedy. just give me a little crumb off the towel you gotta you gotta leave with a couple million bucks do you guys remember uh mariah carey was dating some billionaire years ago yeah and after they broke up she sued him for wasting her time and and she won she won wow i think it was more than 200 000 for her yeah she said hey it does piss me off when just like yeah every like how many billionaires just get to marry these women where it's like these guys are fucking there's no way these guys are cool they just have that much money but also think about these women if you've been famous since you were 17 18 years old whatever everyone around you is people that you pay everyone around you is just making you feel like every decision and everything that you say is gold yeah so like they need to be with somebody like this because you know they i don't know they oh somebody two people need each other interesting the rich guy needs the the young diva well yeah Yeah, I guess. But you're saying is like the only way you can recreate like a traditional dynamic if you're that like rich and famous of a woman is by getting somebody who's so rich. He doesn't even consider you rich. Is that what you're saying? No, I'm just saying like he's used to people kissing his ass and he can provide the lifestyle that she wants. Okay, I see. You know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. Do you believe the Miss Marie that Mariah Carey walks around with ginger ale bottles that get emptied out and put wine inside of them so that she can walk around in public and take this? I've never heard that, but I've heard it. I've heard that. I believe she drinks champagne like it's water. Like it's water. Yeah. I bet she puts caviar on her Eggo Waffles. Well, good for her. I'm really just pissed because Salma Hayek is married to some billionaire guy. Yeah, the L'Oreal guy? I don't know. or something like that. He's like one of these mobiles. I'm fucking pissed. You thought Salma Hayek was going to settle down with you? No, but I was like, not me, but I was, look at this fucking guy. It's just some fucking old guy. Oh, yeah. She dating himself. Yes, yes. I can tap that. What I'm saying is I would have liked it to be an artist. Someone I could have seen like, oh, maybe if I were the same age and I met her, it could have happened. But this guy, I got nothing in common with a billionaire. But she's the artist. She's the creative. He got to be a businessman. I guess. And he has to actually be a big businessman. Stav, I still want to see you with an older black lady. I would love that. Well, how much older are we talking about? Except for you, Keith. Older than me, but not like 55. I don't see you with somebody older. I'm kind of black. If you can name any, like, black lady to give, Stav. I'm not giving Stav a black lady. I wouldn't do that to my sister. Not during Black History Month? No, especially not during Black History Month. Maybe in March for the McRigge. Well, Greek Independence Day, March 25th. Right, right, right, right. For his birthday. For his birthday. My birthday is February 11th. You know, it is Black History Month. He has to have a dirty black history. Y'all don't want a black lady. He wants a young bimbo beach with big titties. Okay. She doesn't even have an ass. Does she need to have a blue? You know how I can see you with? Something. You know how I can see you with? It's going to be a long back. I would prefer not a long back, but yes. You know how I can see you with? Oh, and I know you would agree with this. Go ahead. I know. Get ready. Okay. Stive and Kim Whitley. Kim Whitley. No, no. I don't think so. You love titties. An older black woman. No. Listen, I love Kim Whitley, actually. I do love Kim Whitley. And I would love a fling with Kim Whitley. But no, I don't think that's who I marry. She's beautiful. And Jack Hayes. Jack Hayes. Hey, Elliot. Jack Hayes signed me up. I'm in on Jack K Jack K Harris If you don't think I was into Jack K As a youth You're out of your mind I'm writing a movie with you and Kim Whitley I feel like one of the sisters Is single Tia and or Tamara No I don't see style with an old black lady Because an old black lady doesn't want to Change who she is I don't think they're interested in me I don't think they're interested in you I think you underestimate yourself. Alex, you overestimating. I'm here to pump up the white man. I am. Yeah, you know what? Do that on your own time. What you do in the comfort of your bedroom? Conservative black homosexual Alex English. I'm here to pump up the white man. First of all, that's gay. I get closer and closer to that every time I come on this podcast. And I'm getting there. I'm getting that Fox News invite at some point. When he says old black lady, he talk about him. Okay, fine. A rom-com with me inside. Yeah, that's not bad. I like that. What's the meet cute? I like that. We can figure it out. I'm not doing it. But yeah, you're right. It's probably somebody younger than me. I'm immature. Yeah. You know what I mean? I like all that kind of shit. It's just someone, the best relationship I've ever had is somebody who was like five years younger than me. Okay. Six years younger than me. Okay. that was that was kind of right in the q zone because it's like they're we're about the same maturity level yeah because men don't hit emotional maturity till they turn like 42 yeah we're still getting there we're still getting there over here terrible i don't know who's doing pr for straight men but they're doing a terrible job yeah that actually checks out it's me and still we rise Thank you Alright well listen if you are a Big titted woman of any ethnicity A little younger than me I'm interested I see a little Latinos for Trump I would not like a Republican Wife I'm not interested in that You don't want a little Melania on your arm She has an accent she don't really understand English that well I don't have a problem with foreign But just You know I don't need a fucking in these trying times in these dark times in these dark times I don't need a Republican girlfriend side piece? Republican side piece? yeah that's not bad because they know how to keep their mouth shut they know how a Republican woman understands the power dynamic of being a side piece there's honor in that you know what I mean? you know maybe I introduce her to a rich guy that she marries later you know what I mean? because she is going to leave you for of course she's using you as a step-in-step and that's great that's fine I don't want her long-term I'm going to tell you who they are immediately, you know, when they first meet. Yeah, you meet their representatives. I hooked up with this guy years ago, and by the time I got back, by the time I, like, woke up the next day, like, you know, put my stuff on, I looked around. I was like, oh, this nigga's a cop. This nigga's a cop. They do the same thing. Oh. I saw the NYPD certificate. I was like, oh, let me get out of this house. I'm like. NYPD certificate is crazy because you don't even really have to go to school. they said hey it's a little training program for six years i was looking at the pictures i was like oh you a cop oh yeah let me get about it no question i banged a cop by accident no you did it on purpose you banged him on purpose he was a cop i've never had sex with a cop and i never will some of them be fine but it's never worth it yeah you know the videos that pop up when you see like fine officers actually you know what that's not true i went on a date with a detective oh detective i went on a date with a cop and uh how'd it go 50 50 you guys split the check no no absolutely not well we were in the car he came to pick me up which is something i never do but he came and picked me up and i was like what do you do and while he was driving he was like i'll tell you when i park that's no good his dead body's in the drum i'll tell you when i park his little lights flickered and so we we park and he's like the build-up is i'm i'm like what is he about to say yeah yeah yeah and he goes i'm a cop and i was like and he was like uh i'm i'm a detective uh for the special victims unit and i was like okay come on stabler just like that you back in the game banging tutuola i didn't bang him i can't i can't hook up with a cop i just felt like it's specifically this dude like his job felt like interesting because we've all seen it on tv but and it's like the kind of cop we're like this should exist not every cop should but like like those like these kinds of crimes like i do want someone investigating these horrific crimes yeah but when he started talking about work he got this like far away look in his eyes and i was like oh he's seen some stuff yeah that's a good point too And then when he dropped me off, he gave me as a gift pepper spray. He said, you're going to need this. It's crazy out here. I was like, okay. Those aren't the vibes you want. No, no, no. That's scary. Interesting. It's still in the pack. I still have the pepper spray. Good luck out there. Be safe out there. Okay. Next, you get home safe. Well, all three of us have a wealth of experiences and a wealth of knowledge. And I think it's time we applied that to our callers. What do you think, Eldis? Come on, Segway. Thank you. I'm a professional. That's why they pay you the big buck. Look at this big-ass window right here. That's not a poor person window. No. Far different from the windows we grew up with. Yeah. Right. I miss these people. Hit us with it, Eldis. Hi, Stavi and esteemed guest. I've got a bit of an uniform today. So I'm trans and I take testosterone, given as injection, once a week. Nice. And I live with this guy. And we kind of work out in our home gym around the same time. And recently he's been like, yeah, man, you're putting on a good amount of mass. You're putting on some muscle there. I can really see that the T is working. And I'm like, oh, yeah, man, thanks. And he's like, you know, is that really like kind of cheating? And I'm like, well, no, I take the amount to get me to nowhere. To be like, not transphobic, but such a gym bro that you're like, it's not fair that you get fucking testosterone and I don't. You're getting jacked faster than me. I'm fucking pissed. Keep going, Elvis. The amount to get me to, you know, where like a cis man's testosterone levels will be, nothing higher or anything like that, like roids would do. He's like, oh, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. and then recently I was going through like my stores of testosterone and I noticed that I think I'm missing a few vials I think a few vials might have been maybe snatched by my buddy here he's also been putting on a lot of extra muscle recently like a noticeable amount in a short amount of time. Those are muscles. I'm pretty sure a homie here is kind of like munching off my supply How do I confront him Gotta fight to fight him First of all you need to re on them vials Re on them vials and then when you get big beat his ass Yeah, that's a tough one. It's a fair fight at that point, y'all want to say. Does he have any more elders? That was basically, he also says, like, also if he wants any, I know guys where I could get, like, roids for him if he's interested. But, yeah, that's basically it. I'm curious if the homeboy, the cis homeboy, if he would just have asked, I'm wondering how generous this person would have been with their testosterone. They probably, he probably would have given him, he says he's got hookups for regular steroids. But I think this isn't, it's also not, like, I don't know how hormones work, but I assume you don't just want the same T that a trans guy is getting, right? You want something else. I mean, I'm sure it just helps. Any testosterone helps. but uh i guess first thing i would say is make sure he did steal from me because i'm really forgetful and i i have definitely thought i'd be like somebody's fucking stealing and then i just find like you find it eight hundred dollars just in like a fuck and i'm like oh check your pants pockets bro maybe you think something i'm out and forgot i know on some level i'm probably wrong but i'm like where the fuck is it yeah you know and you just want to blame someone so it's like where i've lost like a uh jewelry before and i'm like somebody fuck and it's like of course it's me i'm fucking forget that's why you're not wearing a chain today i got the chain i'm talking i'm modest i'm modest i'm a modest guy um so i would say make sure he's stealing from you but also what is this relationship it's your home yeah it's like a roommate so it's your roommate yeah he said you live with this guy yeah oh so if it's your roommate then yeah you gotta because if it was just a guy you go to the gym with i would be like never go back to that gym right it's not worth confronting so but if it's someone you live with if it's a roommate you gotta nip this okay here's what i'm gonna say okay please please go back to the doctor get some estrogen i've made a huge mistake doctor oh i love this Actually, this is genius. This is like chemical warfare. You feeling my stuff. I need you to be who I am. This boy starts getting real high. I love this. He's got some juicy titties. His hair's coming in nice and thick. He's got juicy titties. And he's like, I just don't know why I try. I just cry. You could be like, mmm. Catch a bitch. that's genius you are crazy I think it's crazier to take somebody else's hormones prescription hormones it's insane what if he did confront the roommate and was like have you been taken and taken my stuff and he's like yeah but you didn't do the dishes last week I thought it was only fair are you behind on your rent who's paying all the utilities I love Marie's idea and I would say hide all your tea and switch it out with fucking either estrogen or even just like even something that would make it clear like what are those people that take methylene blue that turns you into a fucking smurf or some shit what? that's like another conspiracy theorist things like you think if you take a specific chemical it'll cure you of everything but also turns your skin blue okay alphabet yeah getting shorter i love the extra thing uh so yeah i say do i do i say do trickery yeah i say do chemical warfare yes but in the in the small chance you don't you're a fucking pussy and you don't want to do that i would say yeah you just like how do you confront someone who's actually stealing your shit you'd be like hey man i was like uh looking at i was like i keep track of all this and i'm missing a couple vials did you grab some because you could even be like if you wanted the game because he says he's got a hookup he's like if you want some shit let me know i know a guy who can sell you steroids but like i this specifically for me this is but he stole it he knows you know a guy because you got the supply i'm just trying to think about the situation of as a roommate how do you a roommate who's stealing from you in this specific put your name on it because you know how like roommates will go in the fridge put it in tupperware in the fridge and put your name on it the question is how mad do you get because you could be at this this could also be a thing where you're like hey you fucking stole from me i don't want to be your roommate anymore uh but if you're trying to be i guess that i think you're well within your rights to be like okay did you steal from me because if so we can't fucking be roommates anymore it's my fucking they're my hormones you fucking piece of shit yeah you know how hard it probably is to transition right now fucking massed ice is just fucking killing people yeah i'm pretty sure hormones are hard to get yeah but the tariffs yeah you slung up my baby you don't have that good Chinese hormone get your Chinese hormones from Ali's friend from Timu if you start throwing a tentacle no I would be pissed I would be legitimately pissed so do you want it's about how you want to approach it trickery is our number one approach we've said that but if you could just be like hey man did you fucking steal my shit that's insanely fucked up you owe me this amount of money and please don't ever do that again or if you want to be chiller about it you could be like seems like Tate you took my shit obviously you owe me some money but if you want I can put you in touch with this guy but it's just up to you I mean I think if I were you a roommate stealing from you is kind of a deal breaker you can't trust him anymore even if it's your boy and I guess this is really weird because it's like he has some kind of weird and like hormones envy yeah and i guess you could see a psychological situation where the guy's like i'm so embarrassed i did that i fucked up so bad like whatever but even still that's like a roommate stealing from you still like i'm trying to think how close of friends you are because like if eldest like lost his mind and stole a hundred bucks for me it wouldn't ruin our relationship because we've been friends forever i would make fun of him for the rest of our lives but but like we could get over it but are you that close with this person where you get over them stealing your fucking medicine but also they sold two vials yeah yeah what's that cost i have no fucking clue it's quite expensive and i'm just curious what the venmo the venmo would look like a two like two syringes yeah two syringes fucking arms the arm the fucking bicep the bodybuilder most now if he comes back he's like here's two grand you know what i mean like yeah i fucked up but i don't know man that's those are your options i think those are the options that's nuts though to steal from your fucking testosterone to steal from your trans friend because you're jealous they're putting we are in a new america like you're not transphobic you're just a piece of shit yeah you're just a regular piece of shit is it transphobia to steal somebody's hormones I don't think it's transphobic I think he's just a jealous I feel a little hateful I feel a little progressive if you ask me I'm getting bigger we already live together so that's already a huge leap from where we were yeah that's the funny thing he's not in a technical sense transphobic it's rude to take your drugs it's actually equal opportunity yeah yeah yeah he is progressive he is a progressive he's the most progressive hormone thief I've ever heard of next question Aldous whoa what the hell holy shit what the fuck's going on I think we know what it is it's time yes it's time to keep it twisted oh my god it's the fucked up motherfucking ass fucking crazy shitty ass question of the week Brought to you by the little fuckers of Twisted T. Oh my God, Elvis, what the heck do we freaking have today? What's the twisted ass mother fucked up question of the week? Hi, Stavi and Elvis and guest, if there is one. There is. Here is my conundrum, okay? I have a roommate and we're like best friends and we've been living together for like six months now And he has recently discovered slash disclosed to me that his grandmother is worth like $13 million. And she's old as hell. And when she dies, he is obviously going to get like a ton of that money. Is he? And he has shared this with me. And I'm like pretty well off. Like I'm financially fine. um like we're remi i just i i have grown to be resentful of him he keeps talking to me about like setting up a grant or like a scholarship to like get rid of the money and like donating it to charity and it's not like that's not keeping it twisted like you gotta buy a fucking water slide you gotta buy a big ass slide that goes right into a fucking vat of buffalo wings and underneath that is like another pit of mermaids that you hire to suck you off. And the mermaids would be former Division II college swimmers that you put mermaid tails on. Anyway, that's just something I'm thinking about for keeping it twisted. A grant? What the fuck? By the way, that's what you say when you're at least a couple years away from the money. let's see let's see how fucking if this guy's really setting up a non-profit when 2.8 million hits his fucking bank account anyway keep going like we're splitting the rent you know i think it's i don't know but i'm just like why aren't you buying me a car no bitch he doesn't have the money yet you're his roommate you're his fucking roommate you're not his wife the fuck are you talking about he's your friend he should buy you a car because he's old because his grandma married some rich guy let's be honest i don't think i mean i guess i'm being misogynist here but like his family has family fortune and you're you're keeping it too twisted right now you know what this is what happens when people are a little bit well off right some someone that came she deserves we came from the gutter we were like no please please let me make you food let me feed you you know where's my car yeah where's my car i let you use my hulu login where the fuck where's my car fuck you people people that are like man fear rich are the worst piece of the shit here's the crazy part this guy's saying he wants to give his money away to poor people and this fucking bitch is like i'm kind of well off but where's my fucking car fuck you lady you're keeping it too twisted the fuck keep it twisted okay sorry and kind of ruining our friendship because your friendship you're not a friend it's just like such a class divide he doesn't have the money he doesn't fucking have it the lady's still fucking alive keep going making me hate him and it's like if we go to a bar together i'm not gonna buy you a drink your grandma does not have the money you and, like, buy me a fucking drink. And so it's just, like, hard because, yeah, to be a generous friend. And it's like, I don't want to buy him anything. And then, I don't know, I feel like he also doesn't contribute to our household. That's different. He's lazy. He grew up rich. I don't know what to do about it or how to talk to him about it because he's, like, said that I'm one of the only people who's told about it. And it immediately poisoned you against him. Which is so funny. He's just a crazy thing. You witch. Now, look, would I like this guy? Probably not if I met him, right? Because he's set to inherit. Now, here's another thing I'm questioning. It's his grandmother. How many cousins does he have? And also, like, why would it go to him and not like his parents? Like, isn't there a. You know, the money was not made in a respectful way. No, certainly not. You know, some factory. something bad happened something bad happened almost no one gets rich in a good way especially not a grand ma not if it's a grant if you're yes absolutely yeah it was some fucking private private prison that they were family was running okay but okay he doesn't have the money he does not have the money he hasn't gotten it you don't even know how much he's gonna get and she said four million oh okay i hear i hear yeah okay that's that's that's a lot of money yeah it's it's it is a lot of money but like if she's so scheming and conniving she's like oh he's not giving me the money like get him to love you right he'll write you into the will or he'll marry you like you're not fucking playing ball lady you're not keeping it twist you're not keeping it twisted in certain ways and not twisted enough and others yeah you're like like you're having all these ruminations without doing the fucking work yeah can you get a dick suck or something like you clearly want this to be transactional truly but why look and we are not we're no we are not guys who usually support the rich in any way but you are pocket watching in an insane way this money has nothing to fucking do with you and the fact that he wants to set up some grants and not give it to fucking you who's doing fine who you think you were well off also yeah your own fuck you father probably owns a car dealership or some bullshit talking about why do you see somebody else's mind look he doesn't deserve it but you don't fucking deserve it either so who gives a fuck now if you want to keep it very twisted go make his grandma fall in love with you go put on her go put on his grandpa's world war ii uniform put on some prosthetics make this dementia having lady fucking sign over the will to you that would be keeping it twisted that would be twisted twisted or here's what you do you go over to her fucking old folks home you take a delicious uh real brewed with real iced tea five percent per volume twisted tea you crack it open with grandma and you say why don't you fucking cut give me a couple thousand a couple hundred thousand what do you say you old bitch And she's going to be so delighted by the real iced tea smooth taste of twisted tea that you might just get a little something out of it. This tea, the grandma will believe if you start lying like, he doesn't. Yeah, he talks shit about you at the apartment all those fucking times. Get him out of the wheel, as a matter of fact. If you not watch Succession. Yeah, come on. Come on. Come on. That's our advice to you. Keep it twisted. Share an ice cold, twisted iced tea. share an ice cold twisted tea with grandma maybe write yourself into the will get yourself into the will but other than that stop pocket watching stop being a hater you're not fucking poor if you were poor i would maybe understand a little more you're not fucking struggling is your friend good probably not but you're you don't you don't come off too good in this situation either so fucking chill out figure it out yourself and if you want to and don't stop him from giving it to people who need it through grants by the way that's the only good thing that's been said in this whole thing he's lying he's not gonna do that but don't you should be supporting that that's who deserves it more than you or him in a just world he doesn't get that fucking money poor people get that money he gets a little bit but whatever keep it fucking twisted man keep it twisted oh fuck oh shit we're leaving the twisted zone holy fuck keep it twisted hi Stavi and awesome guest I'm sure as well as eldest so my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and a half our first date after we met on Hinge he actually crashed his car because he was running flip-flops which was hilarious because when he sent me the picture, I thought he was for sure lying, and I sent it to my girlfriends. I was like, oh, there's a asshole. Well, anyway, following more conversation, we had a three-hour and 56-minute phone conversation. That's insane. Let's pause that real fast. That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. Three-hour and 56-minute phone conversation. Were you on hold with Delta? That's Sally Mae, babe. She's like, let me explain, and it just goes on. The crazy, yeah, imagine a first hinge date. Someone has a, they crash their heart because they're wearing flip-flops, and then you talk to them for four hours? No, no, no. I would never. Three hours and 50 minutes. You're right. Yeah, yeah. She didn't say four hours. You're so right. It's so specific. Anyway, I'm putting a pin in, we're already in insane, crazy territory. Yes. Let's keep going here. And I realized, actually, he wasn't lying. He was a decent guy. And months later, I actually co-signed on his newspaper. Whoa, we're two for two, baby. Three hour, 56 conversation. Two months later, you cosigned on his fucking car. Actually, that's three for three because he also won't flip-flops on it. That's the most egregious thing I've heard thus far. He had his toes out? Cosigned a two-month relationship is nuts. The dick must be good because he's confident enough to wear flip-flops off the house. No, this seems like a himbo who's stupid and is hung and good at fucking. Sound like he's taking extra testosterone. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. All right, let's keep going. To help his credit. Anyway, long story short, he's a really good guy. We moved in together. We love each other. He's the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful guy I've ever met. Maybe he was a himbo. And the only problem is I really love oral. Hell yeah. Along with sex in general. Respect. And our intimacy is great. I give him oral, but he always has some excuse for not precipitating and going down on me. Once you give a guy a Nissan Maxima, he's got to eat pussy. Never buy a man a car, he will never eat some pussy again. He should be eating your pussy in the car. This is nuts. With the flip-flops on. Yeah, no pussy. His feet should be up. He should be like me. He should be in the L.A. You're so right. Feet up. He should. You're absolutely correct. That's the exact position he needs to be eating pussy in. Listen, in the passenger seat. Oh, my God, dude. okay this is fucking nuts okay let's let's hear out but i got it this this girl to me feels like she did not have a good male role model in her life i mean this feels like the kind of girl who does whatever for the guy she's dating girl he kept saying he's really nice how nice is this man he wasn't he's not nice enough to eat no pussy eating after you co-sign the cars first of all someone letting the girl they're dating for two months co-sign their car he's a piece of shit he's a complete piece of shit that's why she whispering cause she can't even talk I've actually I'm not allowed to talk on the phone she's in the car she's in the car like this with the seat back with the seat back I can't get it nowhere I love oral but he won't give it to me he's not nice that's not nice I love the guy when you sit on his face but that was he sorry absolutely keep going Eldish I'm extremely hygienic oh wow now we're talking about I don't smell I even use like boric acid after the time of the month which like I'm clean I don't have any okay this girl's been gaslit to oblivion about her pussy stinking where he doesn't want to go down and before he would say like oh you know this or that and um he also the smoker so his nose is stuffed up he's like i don't know breathe she said he can't even smell me she's shoving boring acid i mean he can't even smell he got long covid the moral bro has decimated his taste buds who doesn't even care girl put a vape in your pussy I bet he'll eat it in. This is nuts. That's crazy. This is nuts. It's just ridiculous. And she's sad. My puss is sad. Because I really miss oral. It's amazing. It feels the best. I feel bad for this woman. I feel bad for her, too. What should I do? Go ahead and... How do I talk to her and make him understand that while I love him and it's not like an most wholesome plea for proceeding I've ever heard. I don't want to stay together, of course, but I need oral. I give it to him. He's about to cry. He can't excuse us why he doesn't give it to me. So definitely would appreciate your advice. Thanks so much for being awesome. And love your show. Love everything you do. This is really tough. Leave him. Take that car. Get in that car and drive away. Put your stuff in that Ultima and go. Put it on Craigslist. You already lost the value, right? Just recoup some of it. Because it wants us off the lot. Put it on Facebook Marketplace. Sell it to a guy who eats your pussy. Put the car and your pussy on Facebook Marketplace. Put the pussy on Facebook Marketplace. Girl! Because ultimately, if you're not being pleased sexually, it's not, no matter how happy you are, you're not 100% happy. It's the smoker, so he smells bad. Yeah, I mean, listen. This is really a bad sign in general here because this person clearly doesn't care about your needs. You're clearly so kind. You go above and beyond. You cosign on his fucking car and he won't. I mean, I know it's a joke, but I mean that. You helped him out so much in his personal life and he won't even like reciprocate. By the way, she's sucking dick. So the way I would the number one thing to do is you cut off sucking dick immediately. Right. That's step one. That's step zero. Before we even discuss the next steps, there's no more dick sucking until there's pussy. And the fact that you bring up hygiene. I mean, what do we... Boric acid. What do we... She keep that pussy detail like the car she bought. She get a oil change. They're fucking power washing the floor mask. New brake fluid every month. Literally power washing the floor. And he will not go down to her. That's insane. I want to eat her pussy at the time. Exactly. You've turned Alex bisexual. You know how powerful your story of sorrow has to be? These are all bad signs in terms of selfishness in the relationship for sure. I have a hunch that you're drawing a line here, but I bet you give way more than you receive in this relationship. She gave a car. She gave a whole horse. She gave three hours and 56 minutes of her life. This is what I think you should do. You know how when alcoholics get their cars back, they put a little breathalyzer to make the car start? Yes. You should put that. You should put that. If he don't eat you out, he's going to go out. Just right at the door. You're on the dash. Put your pussy on where the hazard light is. Put your pussy. Put your pussoir on the dash. Right next to the black ice. Maybe he'll smell it thin. Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. I mean, this is fucking nuts. And you just got to. You don't suck dick at all. And you also are like, hey, what are we doing? Like, this is crazy. You got to. I'm just like, he keeps refusing to eat her pussy. I'm like, are you dating a black comedian in 1995? She ain't a Jamaican man. The spicy beef patties are incredible, but it just won't eat my pussy. And they've been together, what, she said, a year and a half? A year and a half. Girl, that's a long time to have a dry cat. Yeah, this is crazy. And now, she's being penalized because she says she likes the whole deal. She sounds like she likes sucking dick as well, but you've got to stop sucking dick. You've got to give up your passions for a second. Yeah, exactly. Put your passions on ice. And you have to be more cognizant of how you allow yourself to be treated in relationships in general. Because this is just a very obvious symptom. But I bet you clean more. You maybe pick up dinner more. You're probably planning more shit. Yeah, that's probably other things that she's doing. This is probably par for the course. And on some level, I'm obviously not blaming you, but it's like you probably are so giving in a relationship and so serving that he takes it for granted. Yeah. And he's like, oh, well, I don't ever have to do anything I don't want to do, even if it makes her happy. And it's not like that's all she's asking for is eating pussy. Also, in this day and age, as a grown man, you're not going down on women? It's childish behavior. Grow up. Exactly. Grow up. Grow up. This isn't being a bottom. You know what I mean? This isn't for a young man. You're not a young man anymore. Grow up. Grow up. Be a top and eat some pussy and ass. If you're old enough to drive a car that someone else co-signs for you, you're old enough to eat some pussy. thing some puss wire yeah i mean i i think yeah you got to grow up and uh but you got you have to stand up for yourself a little bit in this relationship in general i think i think that's the big this guy's a piece of shit but you can't let him off the hook for this kind of stuff so i knew it was gonna be some bs when she called in whispering yeah she used up all her time he allows her an hour to speak to her friends and family and podcast counts for that a week too so she used up all her time he's literally sleeping next to her and she's like hey stop he's fucking guys great he just busted he's fucking immediately started snoring yeah she's making a sandwich yeah she's like hey stop yeah so he's like nice but she's sitting on his face he ain't doing nothing yo that's what i think she should do Put your pussy between two slices of bread Try this When he sleep Just like kind of If he don't wake up like I'm like Sneak and get your pussy ate real quick Just sort of like I'm going to write that down I'm going to try that technique Sleep training What else we got, Els? I'm crying This is the only way I have this decision-print call. I know I sound like a fucking retard, but that's kind of why I'm calling it. So here's the problem. Basically, my voice or accent or whatever is just absolutely fucked. Like, no backstories for you. I grew up in a hamlet in southern Manitoba, Canada, with just a small bit of parents and sisters and cousins and stuff, and kind of like a little commune, I guess you'd say. Commune. Just imagining a couple trees and a church just surrounded by nowhere. And everyone kind of sounded like me, eh? So, yeah, that's a reason that great. But, yeah, we didn't have internet or TV until I was about 15. I was homeschooled. So I didn't really know we fucking sounded this fucking crazy. It was kind of like a little culty eco-chamber. You know But now that I moved to a big city When I was 22 I'm 27 now I got real self-conscious And Kind of crippling self-consciousness I guess you'd say So You know people make fun of me and shit But like I'm 6'4 man I'm completely fucking shredded You know I'm This guy's 6'4 and shredded 6'4 and shredded We found who's stealing the tea Okay, keep going, Aldous. Dude, I shouldn't be fucking crying like a baby in the snow, eh? That's okay, man. Six-fourth reddit guys can be sad, too. I'm crying like a baby in the snow, eh? But truthfully, it's Debbie and Steve guests, you know. It's how the ladies kind of treat me. It really gets me. Like on dating apps I do really good Like honestly man hit rate pretty fucking impressive but once they do that FaceTime to make sure I real or like we go on like an actual date or something they just like fucking cackling his shit They're just like, what the fuck? I mean, the voice is fucking insane. I don't, I don't want to. He talks like Bubbles from Trailer Park's voice. He literally sounds like that. And so, we do have to admit that, right? He, he, not let him do that. And you know that, and we have to start there from a place of honesty. Right. But I also think it's endearing. Anyway, let's finish. Let's finish. I like him. You want to date him? Dude, look, what the fuck, eh? Like, one time this one rocket, I was courting. Basically, she told me that, like, don't fucking talk when we're on the fucking workbench, eh? And I'm like, what? And she just, yeah. Anyway, sir, I just, I talk. I got that problem from my mom. We just kind of, you know, rambled on. But, yeah, I was dating her for, like, a month. Month or so. I love this guy. I do too. Yeah, basically, he just told me just to, you know, don't fucking talk or anything. And, you know, that's not the kind of girl I want. So anyways, looking for a nice girl. Not just like hookups and stuff. So, yeah. Honestly, Stabby, I try to go like weeks without legit opening my mouth. That's probably why I fucking sound so crazy right now. Because this is like the first time I've talked to anyone besides my parents. and my sisters for maybe like three weeks, I guess. Yeah, it just fucking hurts my soul. So if you got any advice for me, that'd be awesome. Appreciate you, man. All right. Talk to you later. Bye. It sounds like he's only dating American women. Well, he's Canadian, clearly, right? And he lives in Toronto. He's this big city. He's from Manitoba originally. Manitoba, what's the closest big city? So what is he is? I don't know. canada logistic so he's still in canada i would assume because i'm like wouldn't he said a he said wouldn't people from canada understand and like hear his well when he first started talking we were all like oh that makes sense because we realize he does sound like he does yeah like sound like minnesota yeah winnipeg minnesota minnesota but that kind of like yes people would hear that voice but it would be like someone here dating somebody with like a really thick southern accent or a really thick like you know just whatever it's just some regional he just has an extra strength regional accent varsity regional accent yeah but i honestly do find it endearing i know he doesn't he sounds so sweet and he sounds like a nice guy i think the thing is emory we don't know him well he says he does okay on dating apps right because he's tall i mean he must be good looking you gotta get a speech pathologist or something you gotta get a speech therapist well you got to get somebody to teach you how to not sound like how you say it well i'm sorry you got the facts i think he needs to well i think probably it's exacerbated by the fact that he says he doesn't talk right like he he said this is the first time he spoke to somebody who wasn't his family in three weeks that's a big problem right it's like you can't look dude you can't he can't help how he sounds he got to get a speech therapist well he probably can you know whatever he can he can work on it i think on the margins but i also think he's never gonna he sounds like how he sounds right like and i will say if there's anything i've tried to do with this show it's like look at my life and look at me on paper do you know what i mean five seven fat as shit bald you know like missing a tooth was missing a tooth forever currently having to do this because I tried exercising too hard and I pulled my ass cheek muscle. So I have a heating pad on my ass right now. My life rocks. And I and like on paper, those are horrific stats. Yeah. Right. Everything I said is a bad stat. You have some pretty good stats and one really serious outlier situation. Like I'm going to do a little. Got that. LOL. I'm going to give you all this. Yeah. Take one thing. is jacob alordy but not yeah yeah jacob alordy doop yo i mean fucking australians sound stupid too you know what i mean yeah but they all sound like that yeah you know what you should do he i think you should move to new orleans and then get with them because that accent that accent is you should start dating punky johnson i do think there's something to it to be said about like because where he is he's close to the root of it so to them like to us like marie excluded she's like get a bbl in your throat i do find this like an i i would love to hang out with someone who talked like this i would love to have a conversation like this is endearing to me because it's a charming because it's also it's a it's a novelty right where he is he just has the thickest hick accent possible that's how they all view him so there is a little bit of like get out of where you're from because then you become kind of uh a novelty you become like you're just an inch a guy who talks a really weird way okay so i said get a speech coach and you said move yeah yeah yeah i say just stick to it you know how many women there are in this world necessarily there's going to be some woman out there that likes the look and also what's going on yeah my overall girl told him not to talk on the workbench that's that girl you know what i don't like her i don't like her either and he's a sweet guy who doesn't want to just fuck because i bet he could just saw that's it now i do think dude what i would say the the and this sounds this sounds like a cliche obviously but it is again the point i'm trying to make with my life in this show is like it is about confidence right right i think this exact guy who doesn't somebody makes fun of him and he like shrinks now but he's if somebody makes fun of him he's like hey fuck you buddy How about you suck me off? You know what I mean? And they'd be like, yeah, good for you, big fucking whatever your name is. Like, yeah. What I'm saying is you right now are very self-conscious with how you sound. And what I would tell you is, yes, there are some horrible, judgmental pieces of shit in this world, right? I'm trying to get here. I'm trying to help. You don't even have to pay somebody. Just go on YouTube and do some red leather, yellow leather. You know what I mean? I actually think. Bow now, brown cow. I do think it's something to read. Read on Dr. Seuss. Yeah. But I do think at the very minimum, you need to talk more. Yeah. You need to hear yourself talk more. Don't hide. You need to have, like. Don't lower. Don't dim your light, Kane. Absolutely. Don't dim your light. This is true. Don't dim your light, Kane. Don't dim your light. If you want to look at, like, if you feel like, you know, you said you're, like, a very insular place. If you want to change how you talk a little bit, yes. there are speech therapists whatever if you're interested in that you can go fucking do that but i think more than anything it's like you need to just talk to people right and like maybe you're actually self-conscious in a dating sense you shouldn't be self-conscious in we're just going to give you the advice we give like guys who have the exact opposite situation of you which is like when somebody when a real incel like you know ugly fat little guy or whatever calls in we're like hey work on yourself make some friends be social in general because you can't just go from talking to no one and having no social life to then dating yeah this guy needs the inverse i think where you need to just be comfortable with yourself as a person right now you are embarrassed about who you are you don't want to talk there are people you can just talk to you need to put in hours verbally yeah with friends you need to be talking a lot i would even tell you fucking you're one person on earth i would say start a podcast whoa or start streaming or do some shit i'm not even joking i would love for him to call in i would love to talk to him but i mean that in terms of like first of all i do think people like i do think people would actually like the way you talk there are people out there a lot of people because you're so specific again that's another one of my points is like there are so many more people in the world that want to fuck you than you were than you'll ever be able to fuck. That's what I tell incels in general too, right? It's not that many. There's more. You'll never see them all. You'll never meet them all, right? There's at least one or two. There's at least one that exists. But for you, there are people who, like, you know, would find it. I would love to have a guy in the crew who talks like that. I'm not even kidding. Like, I would love to be in the bars and one of my boys is like Manitoba Mitch. And he fucking talks like, he's got like a, i have canadian friends and i do like their little eccentricities whatever i love me some daniel simon c absolutely i put that in my movie i love you every time i see him i'm just like i can't wait to talk to you stupid i agree but it's endearing and so i would i would want you i want to give you a little because all you're around is people who judge you for how you talk it doesn't they don't see it as interesting at all i'm telling you there are people who would actually love the way you talk and you listen i'm not saying if you want to work on yourself if you want to change it a little bit that's fine too but i'm just saying you need to stop uh you need to stop like sort of you're you're uh not allowing yourself to make any progress because you're so self-conscious you assume people are not going to like you or you assume they're not going to take you seriously and some people might fuck them there's other people out there find your people and you got to put a lot of hours talking in because i bet you i bet you you will just normalize a little because if all you're talking to are the people that talk like you because they're from your insular village you need to go talk to other people i mean everyone this is this is a common thing when people move from places they lose some of their accent yeah like well i don't talk how i talked in baltimore 100 you like my friends from boston who moved to fucking la they lose some of it like if you're in a regional place and then when i go home it starts sounding a little more like that yeah you are just doubling down on this so look i'm not saying you have to move but you do have to talk you already moved to a different city so go talk there's there's other people out there and you have to make social connections with them you have to talk a lot you have to actually use use your greatest what you feel like is your weakness flip that to alito and i do even think there's a world where it could be your biggest strength for real i think the way i legit this is not me even pulling your leg i think the way you talk is endearing i find it fucking funny and cute i can imagine meeting this guy and it's like the voice is like so disarming and yeah you would be like what the fuck is going on but then when they're just talking and you know he's just talking about the same shit you're looking at on instagram or he's just like you know having a conversation showing his with it i don't know i just be like wow this guy's awesome any self-aware right yeah the problem is your self-awareness is you need to you need to dial it back yeah it's nice because i think i do like how you say because like when he started talking he's like yeah listen i know how i sound that's all you need to say you say that once yeah and then everyone goes with it again marie's a piece of shit and doesn't agree it's all dudes in here you're not trying to get anybody in here it's a bunch of yeah i want somebody with an accent in the crew he's not in the crew you need to move no i feel like i i agree i think you need to talk more because this is kind of the same thing like you know when you're home alone and you realize it's like 5 p.m and you haven't talked for the whole day because at the beginning of his message I couldn't really understand what he was saying, but at the end, it was more clear. By the end, even in this message. Yeah, I was like, okay, so you scroll for me because I can't see. You should absolutely be talking more. And maybe it's like you do some front-facing videos just for yourself and talk. Totally. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, get the words out specifically before a date. Because the first time you speak should not be at the date. That's a good point. You should be talking all day before the date. That's a great point. That's a great point. If they hang up to FaceTime, it won't work. Okay, whatever. They do should go on Kill Tony. They need somebody on Kill Tony. Kill Tony will make you a star. You wind up on SNL, baby. Yeah. And brother, if none of that works, I got a woman for you. Her name is Nkeshi Diallo. Nah, shit on they white dude. Just tell her you black. You identify as black. Transracial. Man, some good ones here. Let's do one or two more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trans racial. Hello. I've been dating a guy for maybe like six months now, and we've been taking things like really slow, which is fine with me. But I finally sent him nudes, and he replied, this is so fucking hot. So it's spelled like S-O-F-A-K-I-N-G-H-A-W-T. So fucking hot. It made me sick to my stomach. And then I started noticing. She got the egg. Like he doesn't spell the word fuck at all. He uses F-U-G-T. He's not religious or anything. I know that he used to do Young Life, but now he's an atheist. And he's 45 years old. I think that's weird. A 45-year-old is a type of gay man. I think that's weird in my overreacting. but it definitely gives me the egg. All right, thanks, bye. Wow, I mean, this is insane. Listen, girl, we're going to have to do something about this team. Check them back, like, who this? This is soaking hot. Sofa king. So, like, S-O-F-A, S-O-F-A, K-I-N-S. Oh, my God. And then H-A-W-T, hot. Sofa king. But it's crazy because he's an atheist who doesn't curse, apparently. Oh, that's crazy. doesn't type curse words so yeah i mean look the cursing believe he corny here's he's corny he's corny as fuck and i will say this look maybe we're being too prudish here but six months and you just sent him nudes you guys haven't fucked in six months exactly like you can't be i mean i guess you're right he's he he is even though he's not religious He feels like a religious guy dating. He feels Christian. He feels, yeah, like it's like a Mormon. He said they've been taking it slow, but maybe they have fucked already in six months. She just said she sent him nudes. She said she finally sent him nudes. Yeah. I know, but you could fuck with someone before sending them some nudes. That's fair. That's fair. But what's the point of sending the nudes if you already seen that genitalia? Oh, come on. There's a point to it. Well, after you have sex with somebody, you can still send them some nudes. Yeah, I guess. Spicy. to get the juice flowing. I remember. No, he says so fucking hot. So fucking hot. I mean, that's brutal. That's crazy. Ew. I get... So fucking. You're not horny when someone uses, like, 2002 internet, like... AOL. AOL. It's millennial chungus aim shit, dude. That's his away message. Yeah. this is a good lesson for the last caller yes like you can have that stupid voice but don't be fucking corny and you can still get pussy yeah absolutely she had to go holler at him she might she might need to yeah that's what i'm saying if there's women who are fucking guys who say that's so fucking hot to a picture of tits the other guy can get pussy i mean i guess he already is they're just he just doesn't he's just they're not treating him serious they're using him a sex object she said don't speak um do you think it's possible to be in a relationship with somebody and block their number while you're in a relationship block their number so they can't text you yeah i think so that's really romantic is there a feature on the iphone for that where i only want to get phone calls from this person yeah yeah that's beautiful don't text me don't text me bro don't ever text me just call me it's the 90s as far as you're concerned tell him you gotta stop texting me because i will have to break up with you at some point well i mean he's a man of a particular age they text weird anyway that's true they do not text in how we text that is true but i mean look whatever you gotta be you could can you make fun of him for this yes you like yeah if you can make fun of him and he's got and he's good natured about it that's kind of then it's like okay how long have they been dating six months i mean that ain't long enough to be worried about whether it's not you know if this is gonna be something that's gonna be a long-standing problem for you you're not overreacting you should get out of it or address it and just say i mean but i would imagine someone like him if in my mind how i'm thinking of him if you were to say hey you know you can just curse text and text yeah and if he's like i don't want to i don't want to curse and text it was like well then just don't curse at all yeah don't do that just be like yeah this why can't you say that's so hot? That's so much less horny. Or even just a fucking emoji. Do a horny emoji. Hit it with the thumbs up, bro. The thumbs up. Flame, flame, flame. Thumbs up to some nudes. It's awesome. A little ha-ha flavor. Like LOL. Hit her with this. Can you imagine sending someone nudes and they're like a guy and he's like, oh. Send the meme back. Send the DiCaprio with the glass. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Gifts back. Now we're talking millennial quirk bullshit. Send a Nene Leak's meme. I know that. He responds, I know that's right. That's actually pretty funny. I might use that. Responding gaily to nudes. That's Sofa King Hot. Sofa King Hot. There's a Spongebob meme for everything, girl. Find one. Yeah, I don't know. Look, I got to be honest. That is so fucking corny. That is so fucking corny. That you are fine to not keep dating someone like this. Yeah. Or just be like, hey, man, don't do that shit. Sis, it could be worse. You could have co-signed a car. True. It's all about perspective. You got to change your perspective. You're so right. Listen to this episode, sis, and listen to the stories before you and realize what you got going on. It might not be that bad. It might not be that bad. And a guy that doesn't curse probably won't hit you. That's true. Damn. That is a silver lining. Yeah, you safe, Steve. You want to safe play. I'm so freaking mad at you right now. Frigging. Frigging. I'm going to take a freaking walk. You really kicked me off. All right. These have been some good calls. What's up, Tom? What's up, Elvis? What's up, honored guests or guests? I love it. I'm calling here just to get your thoughts on whether I should try to get a job in the same town as my ex. No. Well, not the same town, same area. So for context, I worked a seasonal job this past summer in a kind of remote area of the country. I fell pretty hard for a co-worker of mine. We tried to make it work long distance. She eventually made the call that it wasn't working. But it ended, I think, reasonably amicably with a lot of feeling on both sides. you know we're kind of taking a break we would want to be friends you know we've even talked about like oh it'd be cool you know we connect in the future at some point um but i can't go back to that same place because she's going to be a supervisor next year and also you know i wouldn't want to work in the same place as her but things kind of up in the air but i'm wondering they're not up to apply for a job you know a couple towns over in the same area you know maybe just to see what develops you know not going into it with the thought of like we are going to get back together You are. Stop lying to us. Is that cope of my yearning too hard? Tell me, guys. Really appreciate it. This shit pisses me off. Thanks. Don't. Knock on it until we're thinking that we might get back together. You're fully thinking about that. Here's where he's really in trouble. I mean, you know, there was feelings on both sides. It's like, you don't know that. You don't know that. What you know is that she broke up with you. There is no other fact here. Everything else is editorializing. The actual. Right now, you're being Barry Weiss. That's the kind of news you're doing. you need actual like what are the facts right don't worry about it sugar she's a singer he's a singer yeah really deep voice uh you'll never find don't go to that lady's house Don't go to her job, don't go to her house, don't go to her hotel. Leave that lady alone. Leave that lady alone. Leave that lady alone. We should put merch. Leave that lady alone. That's what I don't tote bag. All that we know here is that you had a fling. You had a little fling. You worked at a fucking white river rafting summer camp. And you had a remote off the highway. And you had a fling. One of them rock parks off the highway. And you had a fling with your coworkers. One at a time, one at a time. Yeah. you did some bullshit like that where the water got pee in it absolutely the water is disgusting and so and like and you got some pussy for the summer and now you're being greedy and now you're not greedy emotional right you clearly like this older too and who knows all we know is that she is not as interested as he is and now he's like you're doing so many of the like this is so clearly on your mind yep because if you didn't give a fuck if you're like hey that's a girl i dated a little bit now we're friends the job was paying good i'm cool like we're still friends who gives a fuck i'm not going to be weird about it i just need that job that's how someone who actually doesn't give a fuck about her behaves not like well i've done the math and if i'm exactly two towns over then that's not too close but it's close enough that who knows something might develop it's like no dude you're fucked you clearly care about this girl too much whatever decision you make understand it's never happening you're not getting back together with her and if you do it's going to be really sad because if you do she will misread it as like oh he just wants to keep hooking up not now we're going to get together he's about to relocate for this lady i mean again it's a summer job it's fucking crazy but yes he's in the same area not the same area a couple towns over he's gonna be in the car for 42 minutes trying to get to this yeah i do i'm from the little mini amusement park yeah to the big park the big park she's like we're having oh yeah she's like oh we're doing a co-worker happy hour at chile's you can come i guess and him that's like we're back in business he's spraying cologne on his dick he comes in in a fucking tuxedo he got a blaze a sport coat on she got all sweatpants no makeup one nail is it 50 50 yeah Absolutely. Absolutely. She'd be fine. I'm just hanging with the bro. She'd be fine splitting the check. She really. You're the bro, dude. You're the bro. You're literally the bro. You're putting too much on this. It's over, my friend. So, listen, again, whatever decision you make, go into it knowing it's over. Is there a more convenient job that you can get in the summer that has nothing to do with this girl? If so, do that. This is. Don't. You're so. And again, the only reason I'm so harsh with you is because this is me in my 20s. I did this over and over and over again with girls that I like sort of dated, that we had flings, and I like read too much into it. That's the only reason you're getting such harsh words out of me because I know being this pathetic and trying to talk yourself into getting pussy from a girl who's done with you. I know this feeling. I know exactly what you are in the grips of right now. So move along, brother. It ain't going to work. And sis, they always come back. Yeah. Every time. I'm so glad Cher fucking ignored you. I'm so glad Cher big dogged you. Cher's going to come back too. We're going to go SNL at the same time next year. She's going to be like, you look good, Marree. And I'm behind you. you got something fun for us to go out on here little eldest yeah let's go out with a question that is on the mind of everyone in this room here okay great hi stabby um i guess i'm not really looking for advice but i'm a big fan of this show and my girlfriend likes listening to your stuff when she's hanging out sometimes sexual advice and she just had a question that I wanted to ask on her behalf. She asked if you get really sweaty when you have sex and it's kind of like a sweaty sex situation because we definitely do sometimes and she was wondering if you do as well. If you can answer this, I know she'd be thrilled. Thank you and have a good one. Shout out to Sis in the back. Yeah. Yeah, I said it. At first I was like, she didn't ask this. He did. The dress made me know it was her. just got phone calls shout out to this fat couple that's wondering if I also get fucking sweaty during sex she's just saying I really wanna know I just wanna know if I be fucks and sweaty sex is happening I guess I guess depending on the temperature in the room the answer is yes well listen if it's not cold how you like the room when you fucking is the question that's a great point 52 degrees I can't I get it. I get it. I rent a freezer. I rent the meat locker and I fucking those. No, I think if certainly if it's fucking like 78 and above. That's crazy. It's getting it's getting real sweaty. There's some real nose drips coming off. You know what I mean? There's some real nose drips hitting you in the eye. A nose strip getting in your eye, you got to blink really hard. I died sweating my eye once, and I said, I will never come back here. I said, oh. Now you've changed my physical state of matter. I said, right. My eyeball did not consent to this. Woo, I've never blocked somebody so fast. I threw my phone out the left of the car. I was in the Uber life. Not the Uber. you ain't even get a message from the you got a message from the driver that was like i understand so yeah look of course of course i'm a man of size if i'm really working up a sweat sure it'll happen uh no you know no but in the winter time not really no if it's nice and cool but i do i needed cool for that reason otherwise it's getting fucking it's it's just i'm just getting sweaty as hell. Sex is hot. Sex is hot. A lot of us sweat during sex. Body heat. You should be sweating. You're not really sweating. You're not really fucking. If you don't minimum have a sheen over you. You know what I mean? If you don't have a nice smell in the room. Well, you know, I don't know. Just be a smell in the room. Well, you're doing something different than us. We're not there. Don't talk about me. Don't talk about me. I just know what I'm talking about. Yeah, there's a small word of me. I'm not alone over here. Alex, you nasty. The next time someone sends a message, it's going to be about you. All right. That's beautiful. I'm glad we could solve that. Solve everyone's problems. Marie Alex, thank you so much for coming on. What do you guys want to plug? Thank you for waiting 30 minutes for me to get here. Of course. Well worth the wait. The sun has set. Oh, believe me. The next thing I scheduled was at 6 o'clock. Just to be safe. He knew what was up. He knew what was up. He knew what was up. I got here a few seven minutes late. What would you do to Alex? You should have got here a few 15 minutes. Alex, I did her podcast and she was late too. You were also late. Yeah, I was four minutes late. No, you was 10 minutes late. No. And I was 15. No. I thought for once. You know what? There's color people time and there's Marie time. I thought for once I was like, maybe a little taste of Marie's own medicine. I'll be four minutes later. You've got to do her like that. Yeah, but no. I yelled at her. I've been like, I will leave you if you don't get to hear it. Do you understand how crazy it is when Sydney is the most on-time person in a podcast? That's insane. It's fucking crazy. Anyway. I feel like there's a running thread of Marie's reputation of being on these podcasts. Now everybody brings it. I am the Lauren Hill of podcasts. It could all be so simple I love how you're late And you have fucking eight fucking clocks around your neck You couldn't look at one of them Can't see my neck Just like you style We both can't see our neck Alright well you've lost your plug privileges They know where to find me One of your fans Ran up on me At the cellar Recently Hey I love you On Stavis I was like Don't touch me I'm at work Security Yeah your credit babe Yeah I love it I love it Well thanks guys Thanks Alex Where can they find I mean people know Go to my Instagram Go to Alex We'll link all your stuff Click the link Come see us We're on tour right now Me and Elvis At the Dreamboat tour Is going on As you're listening To this episode and we will talk to you guys next week. Bye-bye. Happy Black History Month. That's right.