Nick Rochefort & Zac Amico - Cake Shovel - Episode 932

Fill her up! You are listening to the Gas Digital Network. Jay Lewis, Jay Gomez, go with the Legion Stanks! What's up everybody? Welcome to your favorite podcast. To my right is always Ari Shafir. To my left, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake Lewis Jay Gomez. Hey, what's up big Jay O'Carson? We are the legendary Legionist Gangs. Where's our papers? Tell us our guests. Where are our papers? Where's our papers? Show me your papers. What's going on with our fucking staff? I saw them on vacation right now. Dude, if the Nazis talk that way, it'd be so much better. Show me your papers. Alright. You have papers? Let me check them out. That's my arm. Oh shit, you got me. Why don't you show me your papers? We have a great show with some guests. I don't know where they are. We'll get to it in a second. It's fine. Oh hey, what's up girl? Ah, too late. You jumped on the other one. Damn. Thank you. Screenshot. Right there. That's what I would have done if I was them. Right there. I know who our guests are. I'm just kidding. Let me get them out here. What do you say? Sure. Our first guest. Who should we bring out first? I know. You might know him from the Real S podcast. You might know him from Zach's Midnight Spooks show. How about you make some fucking noise for the great Zach Amiko. Thank you. Thank you guys, gentlemen. Zach, look, it's felt. Thank you. No, it's felt. It's felt. It's felt. You look like spit. Is that your hair color? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's natural hair color. Yeah, it's what comes out of my head, yeah. I haven't seen that in years. Yes, it's been a while. Wow. Old man Zach. It's finally happening. Zach, you look like you're shocked that you're alive. I'm shocked you got a laugh this early in the show. Everyone's shocked. Our second guest. It is the scuffed realtor himself. How about you show your love for the great Nick Rochefort? Good to be back. What's up, Nick? I see you again. It's good, man. Things are good. Nick told me today that he's thinking about moving to New York City. Oh, really? Yeah. What's going on? The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. The brain. What's going on? The brain. It's just the, I think it's finally the move. It's just the rat population has had a peak and I want to get my hands on some of these rats and some of this shit. We're always looking for a new rat czar. Is there a new rat czar? Do you remember they appointed a rat czar after COVID fucked everything up? Yeah, they started fucking rats. He was abusive power right from the start. No, it was a woman, which is hilarious, to most likely to jump on a chair. But she was the rat. You have a rat czar aesthetic. What do you mean? Like, you don't look like a rat. You look like you'd be... It looks like you play a magical instrument that leads them out of town. You can talk to the rats. Yeah. Yeah. They're just afraid of us. He subcontracts them to do the tunnels. Son of a bitch, Jack. $300 per square inch? I'll tell you right now, I just feel very naked without our notes. I'm watching two producers just sitting in their fucking chairs. Alex has the most casual stance I've ever seen before. She looks like just post-rape in the shower. She's sitting like Chinese guys, smoked cigarettes. Alex was texting a friend, stuck at work. I emailed the prince. I forgot to follow through. I have the intern tracking down Joe. Whose fault is this? It's mine. I'm taking full responsibility. Can I tell you what happened? Do you have any irresponsible? I heard Joe. This was a very funny thing today. Josh is one of our interns. Josh was at the spring tour in Olympics. That's what it was. Josh comes in today. Josh comes up to me and he's like, dude, I gotta tell you something. I was like, what's that? He's like, I'm actually gonna be moving back to Sweden in like a month. He's got Fest East. You never got the fire room. Well, then I was like, I don't care. Why do you do nothing for the show? He does literally, and I shit you not, nothing for the fucking show. Why would it matter if he moved back to Sweden? You know how little Lewis knows about him? It's Switzerland. Is it Switzerland? Yes. It is Switzerland. He does less than Jake somehow. You should kick his ass, Lewis. Just beat his ass. I just beat his ass and just take his clothes off tonight. Yes, tough fucking deal. Fuck him up already. Well, he said it in a way where I was gonna be like, oh my god, no, don't go. Well, that's what you're, no, I don't think that's what he thought. I think he said it in a way that he thought you'd be like, oh man, we're gonna miss you. Well, I did that. Oh, then all right. You said, what's your name again? But in my head, I clocked it. I was like, I can't wait to trash him on the show now. I don't give a flying fuck. Also, why is he going back to Switzerland? I don't know. Where is he the one that's out tracking down prints? This is why you fired him. This is a piece of fucking shit. You gotta fire him tonight when he comes back. We really should. You shouldn't have to come. How long is he gonna come in for this crazy? If you're fighting before the end of the episode, you don't have to pay him. Alex, who does more Jake or Josh? Josh shows up much more for sure. That's a toss up. Gee, Mike, what I mean, they're equally useless, I would say. Well, that probably didn't feel that good, Jake. At least Josh wasn't here to hear that. Jake, come here for a second. I have a question for you as well, which is, so we did our annual gas digital retreat. 20 of us went to Mexico. Jake is invited. Love it. For no reason at all, Jake's invited. Jake doesn't get paid from anybody. He doesn't actually work for anybody. Here, come over here. That's the reward. Oh, you have the microphone over there? That's fine. If there's an invasion, someone's gotta take the heat. Yeah. So, Jake, the day before we were leaving for Mexico, canceled on coming with us. So I want to know why. Cartels? So, Dave, before we're going through your phone tonight. Yeah, pussy? Open your phone. I want to see the pictures inside your phone in the back of your phone. Jake, I respect you, Nick. Yeah, I guess so. You sound like an intern. This is insane. That's the right amount of feedback for an intern. Keep going. No, it sounds perfect. I'm sorry. He can't hear himself. Oh, my God. Luckily, it wasn't important. Good move. There we go. Jake, why did you cancel? Oh, my God. It's not working either. Okay. You think he's drawing the mics out? I love G-Mics. The answer is this. There's so many producers over there. Use my mic. It's working. Blowing it. Punch it. Check, check, check, check. There we go. We got him now. We got him. So, Jake, turn him up to 11, ripping off all. What happened? Why couldn't you come in? Nothing crazy. I just switched jobs. I was in like a transitional period and I couldn't take a week off right then. You're getting a pussy? A pussy? Oh, you probably shouldn't fly after the surgery. You'll get pussy blood clots. Yeah. Everyone, everyone assumed that it was, you just took the $500 for the flight from us and then spent it without buying the flight. And then you were like, fuck, I'm going to pay that back one day. Tell me you're using old fentanyl, please. No, I texted Ralph. I'm going to go by the studio and give it back to him. You're going to go by the studio and give it back to him? You're going to show up with cash? You could just send it. That's why I was, yeah, I don't know how to send it. Ralph asked for it back. Yes, we're taking back the $500 for the flight. That's insane. He didn't go. He didn't take the flight. He shouldn't have even invited. Why isn't nobody back already? It's insane. I got it. I was texting Ralph about it. We got it. Anyway, Jake, you're not getting paid anymore. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to need a new intern once Josh leaves now. Who are we going to get? Dave Smith. Not bad. No, come crawling back. Looking for work. What is it, intern? Oh, here are show notes. Finally. Jesus Christ. Well, I'm, I mean, what do we want to, what do we want to start with? Pick up the energy, bro. You pick up the energy. I have been. I've been snapping things. Here's something I saw. Let me go. You've come down. They're these guys who use the First Amendment to film each other, just to film random people until they get mad enough to come after them. And then, and then they just attack the people. First Amendment auditors. Oh, you've heard of them. How is First Amendment... Let's call that up. How is First Amendment filming somewhere? It's a freedom of press. That's part of the First Amendment. Freedom of press. Who are these press people? They're just documenting neighbors? Yeah, they're, yeah, like these guys. Look. Oh, I already don't like his goatee. I hate this guy. Nick, you must know him from your home. Yeah. What is going on today, everybody? Today we're here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Oh, shit. I didn't see his teeth yet. His teeth suck. His teeth are fucking terrible. It's crazy. Why don't you film the dentist who did that to you? These guys beneath stone cheesesteaks. I've been writing for the public. That's a display. What's up? David Till. What you filming for? What am I filming for? Stop filming me. Yes, that's what I... Yes. Why are you raising your voice at me? This is what they do every time. They stop yelling at me. Why are you filming me fucking faggot? I'll kill you. What am I filming you for? Hey, don't fucking walk up in my face, dude. Don't fucking do it. Don't fucking do it. Back to fucking do it, bro. Get the fuck out of my face. Don't take another step at me. What? I told you. Wow, that's not allowed. I told you, bro. Again, you did it five times. I love how you have to pretend to still be tough for a good eight seconds. He's like, dude, fuck you. I'm going to go inside and scream in a pillow. Oh, it's never going to end. It's just life now. I'm going to go put my head under this thing for the next two hours. Fuck you. I'm going to go lay down under a spigot. Fuck. That's what I was going to do anyway, really. Is this bear spray pump? Yeah. Fuck you, dude. Like, bonac, like bonac? Yeah. Fuck you, dude. I'm pushing and mother sucks dick. The mother's a mess. Wait a minute. Dude, is that true? What was in that mace? Nothing was watered down, huh? Can I get my bare water, fuck you? There you go. Are we still in the kind of a weed store? Dude, I'm mother. Just spray the mace. Just spray it into the eyes. I'm kind of rooting for the water to end. Do not touch my stuff. Just warm it. Do her a do her a do you. What are you doing? Bear spray. Bear spray, bitch. Don't touch my stuff again. Don't fucking come in. Don't do it. Don't you do it. That's assault, bud. Don't come out. We did that. Do it, dude, bud. Hey, stop. Don't come out. Take a picture. Take a picture. I'm calling a call. Take a picture. I'm filming you. Take a picture. Take a picture. Take a picture. Hey, he's already in trouble. Take a picture. Stop it. Fucking bear spray him. You need to stop. Let's see your wife. What are you doing? Bear you all, finally. What took so long? Why were you coming in? Oh, that's a lot. Pause it. If you can walk that off, why don't you? That's me. That's my body. If you can walk that off, why is it like a... I think it takes a second. What kind of pussies are bears? Yeah, bears react to me. Yeah, I think they have to go wash their eyes out. If a bear had another five seconds, let me just go and get rid of him. If it's this already, and he's square you with some... How come no one's instinct is to swing anything right away? They all kind of have like a, ah, geez. I hope it's not piss. Well, you got me with plain water. You're blinded. At that point, here's going... No, for two seconds they're mad, and then they go... They realize, oh fuck, I'm bear-meased. That other guy took it great, and then came back out with the other guy moments later. It seemed to not affect him much at all. Look at how long it took in there. Back up! Yeah! He was like, keep coming in. He's like, this is diarrhea that I just sprayed in your eyes. So brown. There's me. That's my body. I'm saying, if this is bear-me, you can't come back out like this. Back up. Back up. Tell me what chemical you're having. You're going to get maced again. Back up. What is it? Mace, you just said it. Is it? There's milk in your eyes. It's pepper spray. Oh, Skye's body is great. It's got a tattooed underneath his left hand. It says pepper. That's early M&M body. That's a hot-ass pepper. That's a hot-ass pepper right there. I love pepper. Pepper. Hold on. Is it pepper in spray form? It better not be bear-me. I only like pepper spray. You should be fine. That's a bisexual father with a skin routine. That's what that is, isn't it? Dude, if I had that guy's body, I'd never have a problem with anybody. Dude, just asking what you sprayed in with over and over again is so weird. It's so weird. Like, that's his demand. You either got a hand. This has to get physical, or when you leave, you don't come back. Look at his flat-ass wife trying to calm him down. That's not the ass of a woman that's going to calm an angry man down. How are these guys not in jail? She's got a sleeve and she's pussy. Don't touch my shit. That's great. At least now we got to feel her ass. Don't touch my shit. You don't want to step in front of me. Nick Swartzman's going to fuck you up, sir. I don't care if I'm in your tuck. Callie Dad. Bear spray. My question is what's the... What's wrong with you? These guys are... Why are they... You're filming them... What's the start? They just feel random. So these guys film just to prove that they can film, and when you go, hey, why are you filming me? I feel like, dude, why are you yelling at me? You're like, what? What? And then you lose your mind and then they bear spray you. By the way, now imagine... It's hilarious. Now imagine... So this is the response of some irregular person doing nothing. Now imagine if you had just called someone the N-word. How mad you would extra be if someone was filming you. You got a different kind of spray. A mental spray on you? That's fucking crazy. Yeah. I can't believe no one... Jay, if somebody was filming you... That's a... That's a... You walk outside of your home and there's somebody just filming your home. Dude, I had to do... A dumb guy was filming me in the front row this weekend. Yeah. And I noticed that I go, are you filming me, dude? He goes, no, no, no, I go, no, yeah you are. And then he just turned his phone around to show me that he wasn't filming me and it's just the camera. He goes, no, no, I'm not. I go, the camera's on. And then he started turning to other people and he goes, she told me to try. You're like, are you filming me? Bear spray. Bear spray. I'm all out. I'll tell you right now, I will say there's almost no scenario where you could bear spray somebody where I'm not like, that's just hilarious. Even if you're in the wrong, they're wrong, but it's so funny when they pull out the bear spray and just... You'd have to instantly pull out child porn. That's what I would do. Oh, oh, oh. You're like, oh no, hey you still want to buy this child porn, right? This baby's one day old. Just like you asked. Dude, we should do that at a bookstore. It's like just at one of those places where they sell magazines, just go, why are you buying child porn? I just started filming them. I wasn't. Yeah, you were. It's $1,500 for the one day old baby porn. That's a great Ian Friedan spray. He told me a prank that he does. He'll meet up with a friend at a Walmart and then he'll take out his phone. And I'll be like, this guy was here to meet children. Yeah. And he follows him around with his phone. Yeah, but anyone that hears that and runs over assumes it's Ian Friedan child porn. This guy's stealing my turf. Oh, fuck. All right, you can keep on going with the bear mace compilations. Oh my god. One person has to fight back. He's just assaulted you. Look what you just did to my camera. Get this. Let me explain something to the bro. By the way, he's got sunglasses on. He's prepared. Oh, hell no. This guy's super cool. He's even got the side things from like burning me. Yeah, this guy fucking. Yeah, you're kidding him. Motherfucking best not bear mace me. Yeah, what's up, doggy? Put that shit up my face. Oh, he said doggy. Did he say doggy? See the black guy's trying to fight. That's right. Don't ever touch my shit again, dog. You cannot fuck. Yes. Yo. Oh my god. Getting her the most. This lady is not good enough. I'm doing it right now. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? Oh, yeah. Oh. Stupid mistake, lady. You're on a slope. People out in public. Yeah, they also have to walk away and act like it's not bothering them. They're still filming. Wait, what? Oh, yeah. You're just a little fucking worm. That's what you are. You're a little fucking worm. Yeah, you're a little fucking worm. I'm a worm bear mace. You're a worm. I'm a worm. How is he not in jail? I'm a worm, you're a bear. Finally. I'm not a worm, I'm a skunk. Oh my god. Finally, someone reacted like you'd think they would. Oh my god. Give me your phone, bro. Give me your phone. Back up, man. Why are you recording me, bro? Like, drive. Back up. You said what? It is just the perfect thing because you have them on camera coming at you. And then a little green spray off camera hitting them right in the face. It's beautiful. It's all right. This guy doesn't fight back. I'm calling bullshit on every one of these. Look at this guy. This guy's not really black. Beautiful mixed race dies. He's like a bachelorette to have white grandma or something. Wait, I'm from EC1. I know, nigga. Bear spray. Wait, what? Come on. Who made that noise? He bumped into the winner bag. Oh, he tripped. This is the least black ending to this ever. That's a skateboarder black right there. That's a rare version. Oh, shit. This is full. You think it's fake? I think it's double. That's the ass. No, this is not fake at all. I think it's all fake. You think it's all fake. It's a damn amount of money. It's homosexual spray. Are you trying to get in your car, man? This has to be fake. All right, that just made me think it's fake. Double fake. No, no, believe me, bro. I think it's double fake. Because honestly, I thought it might be fake when the guy came out of the weed shop. The first one, he was like, you're looking too hard at the... No, a lot of these are real. I think that one just happened to be fake. I don't know. The way he comes out of the weed shop immediately, like, why are you filming me? It was pretty sudden. Let's go back to that one. How about you spray me and then I act mad gay after? How about that? Yo, that would be funny as shit. I'm going to spice it up. He goes, okay, okay. This guy just comes out. This is why we had the brainstorming session first. Look at this. Just comes out, has no idea anyone's out there. She's filming for her, man. What's up? What you filming for? What am I filming for? Yes, that's what I... Yes. And he's over there. Why are you raising your voice at me? He's in on it too. You always be like, are you... Someone would ask that question, like, are you guys filming for something? Yeah, what are you guys filming? What's that? What are you guys filming? Like, why goes, what are you filming for? Yeah, he hasn't done anything wrong. Damn, dude. He's a pothead. He's a pothead. I think we got taken for a loop. He would have gotten in jail already. This isn't enough of an assault. Half of these, he didn't touch anybody. And they're just spraying, people wouldn't touch them. And then no one's reacting... Watch this. Where was this in the team meeting? I think it's getting bear maced, like, actually getting bear maced. In real video. Yeah, let's see how human getting bear maced by accident. Let's see a bear getting bear maced and see how quickly they react. Let's see a video of a guy being rushed by a bear and having the bear spray backers by accident and then spraying themselves in the face. Type all that in. Just type the first word. Type all what I said in. Type the first word, the rest will fill in part. I want to see a bear dancing on a giant piano. Yeah. I want a bear. On a ball, on a beach ball, in the water, juggling wearing a vest and a Fez hat. This is specific. That might work if you sprayed yourself because then you made yourself really spicy for the bear. Type in gay biker bear. That'd be even better. Type in, oh, type in gay biker bear. Who's just typing gay sex? Just gay sex. Gay sex, full penetration. Go. Now we'll see if this is bullshit or not. Show me three guys working each other over. You know what I was like seeing? Who's not here for skanks? Who just came for a Monday at the stand? I don't know, I think these are all skanks fans. Oh yeah, those are fans. Those two baby dots. Those girls that don't know we're talking about them? Yeah. Those girls are gonna get nixed. Those girls that have no idea we're talking about them right now? Definitely, though. Hey, girls. All right, they just came for a Monday. For sure. For sure. But who are your skanks fans? Liars. They all are. They all are. They all are. You two are skanks fans? Yeah. Tell us something we would know as also skanks fans. You like my hat. Well, I believe her. Maybe I just want to believe her. She's like, yeah. Your people are responsible for a lot of wars. I can tell you already. I like your tiny hat. Mel Gibson was right about you. Like 30,000, 30,000 killed and I ran. Isn't your tiny hat bigger than normal? What's Atlantic that kicked out of 110 countries? North Korea, we're coming for you. You're a fucking Jew. You know, the Irish of fear in this chair is always anti-Israel. Guys, we don't do politics in this fucking podcast. No. That's not how we play it. That's not how we've historically done it here. That's how the feg would do politics. I'm so bummed that I think that's so fake. There's got to be a can of mace in the crowd right now. Who's got mace? One of these girls has to be scared of being raped a little bit. She does. Is mace illegal in here? No, no, that girl says she has them. She does have it. You have mace. Would you get mace for a hundred bucks? Can we use it? Can we mace you for a hundred? Can we see the mace? Can we see it? Can we use the mace? Can we see it? Yes. Please let us see it. 100% we want the mace. Please let us see it. Who else has mace here that we can play with? No, no, no. She's an elf. She means a mace, the spiky ball weapon. Elven. By the way, just know we're asking if anybody has mace, but we mean girls. If a guy raises his hand, she's a gay check. If a guy raises his hand, she's like, I have G-H-B. Does that help? No, I think mace is illegal, right? Is mace illegal in New York? I think so. Oh, that girl said she would gargle mace for a hundred dollars. The rapper mace is illegal? I think, Jake, keep your job, will you let us mace you on the show? Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! You're gonna look so cool! We'd have to do it outside, though, we couldn't do it inside because it would mace the entire room. No, not if we hit him right in the eye. No, no, no, I think, dude, if not everybody, not the guys who are outside. Inside, no. It depends what it is. No, it'll be there for us. It's not gonna be there. It'll fuck up the room. It'll fuck up the room. It'll fuck up the room. It depends what it is. Dude, what do you mean? If it's fucking Banaka, it will fuck up the room. No, pepper spray will fuck up the room for sure. Anything will. It'll be in the air. No. Mace is not a, I don't think Mace is a good idea, dude. Stop pretending like the three of you don't know already. Thank you. Yeah. What, what if that was a plan to disarm her? This is part of, this is part of Lewis's no mean jest seminar to learning annex. Give me your fucking Mace, bitch. When Lewis is. I eat this shit. That's when you really see the fear in their eyes. When they reach for it and they realize they gave it away at the comedy show. Jake, can you go, or Josh, go find us Mace so we can Mace, Jake. By the way, we gotta give that out the next gang fest. It's just like. Fair Mace? Mace as merch. No, we should have a Macing competition between Josh and Jake. The loser gets Mace and then they never come back to work. Like Jousting, but Mace? No, but no, that's also what he's getting. Just give them two Mace, two Mace. And then a tricycle. At a tricycle, like go at each other. That's a better idea. Get one of those Hot Wheels. I'd be like, here's Mace, here's Mace. Dude, having. City bikes? Go, yeah, yeah, city bikes. Dude, having a Macing contest outside of the stand is great. No one's on the street except fucking. If Jake takes it, would you try it? No, I'm not getting Mace. Why not? No way. Oh, you're a pussy girl. Since I left, you became a pussy. I have to drive home. Oh shit, you missed a lot. Lewis is straight up pussy. He's an author and pussy now? I have to drive home. I can't go home with bright red eyes. Shit, yeah. If it couples you over, like why is your eyes all red? Like, it's not what you think. I was trying to rape someone and I got fended off. We got a couple things here. I guess Josh just left, right? Is Josh actually going to get Mace? What? Oh, he's over there. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Ridge for supporting the show. Ridge has the best wallets in the game, high quality materials like titanium, leather, and carbon fiber in over 50 different colors and styles. Ari, I know how much you love your Ridge wallet. Oh, every Ridge wallet comes with RFID blocking technology and a 99 risk-free trial and a lifetime warranty. If you know one thing about me is I'm worried about RFIDs and I love lifetime warranty. You love a warranty? Can I tell you something? I've been seeing, they have commercials now, like video commercials, and they are showing off their new, like the luggage. Oh, luggage is sick. Which is pretty great. Yeah, very, very good. Is this how the RFID blocking technology? You don't need that so much on luggage. But they do have. But a risk-free trial. They both do. They have the risk-free trial. They have the tracker card as well, which is incredible. I love the tracker card. It looks like a credit card, but it tracks your wallet like a fucking air tank. Yeah. What's the risk level on my trial? It's a lifetime warranty. And 99 day is risk-free. Risk-free. Yeah. Yeah, for 99 days. Ari loves the word free. He sure does. And for a limited time, Legion of Skanks listeners can get 10% off at Ridge by using code LOS10 at checkout. LOS10, everybody, at checkout. Make sure to use that to support the show. Ridge.com, code LOS10, and you're all set. One more time, check that out. Ridge.com, code LOS10. Hey guys, real quick, I'm going to talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here, Legion of Skanks, and that is Fume, spelled F-U-M with umlots over the U. I love Fume. Pronounced Fume, spelled thumb. If you want to replace your nicotine cravings with a very good habit, check out Fume. 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You can use that code SKANKS, plural, S-K-A-N-K-S at trifume.com, T-R-Y-F-U-M. And again, you're gonna get that free gifts right now with your journey pack. I know. How awesome is that? Ari loves free. Ah, I love it. All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Ari Shafiro's favorite sponsor, GLD. Guys, GLD is changing the game when it comes to jewelry. GLD makes high quality pieces at amazing prices. Yeah, they have something for everyone. They have chains, pendants, rings, earrings, and watches, real gold in every piece, Ari. Oh my God, I love that. I know you do. Don't let that word out. Meticulously hand set stones all built to last. I know it's built to last because Lewis and his son have been cleaning up at the mall with their chains. Yeah, dude, I have my Cuban link. Oh, dude, they wear turtlenecks, and they wear the chains outside the turtlenecks. It looks like the rock in the 90s. It's so fucking cool. And they go get people's eyebrows until teenage girls just fall into Lewis's big truck. They have collabs as well with major sports leagues, which I love, and DC Comics as well. Which nerds love. And you can even create your own custom piece with the GLD custom shop. Ari, you can have fucking, what do they call them? Sars of David's. I would love that. And bag ones. Honestly, listen. Which is just a circle. Oh, you get Captain America earrings? I love that also. To do this deal, I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna need something insane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, first of all, you're gonna get a lifetime warranty, so you're gonna have it forever. Okay. Okay, that's pretty nuts. And if you use the code skanks at GLD.com, GLD.com. Well over 20, 25%. Guess what, Ari? What? 40% off. No. Wow. I'll already do it. I'll already do it. Well guess what, I was lying. It's 50% off. What the fuck? What the fuck? That's a crazy deal. Five zero, 50%. Half price gold pieces. That's wild. Fuck! Codeskanks at GLD.com. Discounted gold. There's not a more Jewish sentence in the world. 50% off. Did you discount the gold? Wow. All right, where were we? Because we have this, and we also have, I'd like to hear this story. I don't know anything about this story. Yes, whatever you like. Comic. Yeah. Okay, here's what we can do with the comic. Guys, way in. Comic, Tiger Woods, Brazilian Congresswoman in blackface. Or, I mean, those are the three options. No, no, I'm sorry, these two. What? Oh, Intern Jake has prepared a segment for us. Intern Josh has prepared a segment for us. Let's hold off on those. I say loser. Of these three. Loser leaves town today. Comedian murders. That's a real one. Tiger Woods arrested. Brazilian Congresswoman uses blackface to mock trans-ID. Excellent. I wish if you're a man of the people, always has been, always will be. Let me cheer you before I even get to the end of the story. The people are scoping. Thank you. Let's see that thing. What is this, a Congresswoman? This is, I'm AOC. I would like to see right now these Brazilian Congresswomen being put to task for their ideology. She's got bare maist. She doesn't, she got bare maist. It's just like one of those models with Vidalago. You said that. Like, all right, where did I think of that? What is the story here? Is there any more to it? You just have a picture of her. Is that as much as you guys did? No, that's the video. That's the video. This video, she does the whole speech. Yeah, maybe she has a great reason. She could have a good reason. She put it on during. I thought my face was my shoes, my shoes was my face. Agora aos 32 anos descido me maquiar. Oh, she's doing it live. That's great. Como uma pessoa negra. OK. Oh, shit, it's already working. She's speaking retard. That's not black. That's not Brazilian. You can tell Conor Valdes is over. Eu pergunto. By the way, Brazil, they had slaves way later than like every other country. Like, the United States got rid of slaves like 20 years before Brazil. I know everything about slaves. Who owned them? Which race would own someone else? Brazilians, blackface and guaranteed bald pussy. Badass. Uma pessoa negra sentiu pelo racismo. Por não conseguir um trabalho, um grego. It's such a cooler way to say it. She said she ain't. What's her fucking point? I stopped paying attention. I know she's speaking a different language, but I just couldn't. Anyway, do not punish the show a different world because of Bill Cosby. You guys chose this. I would say the hottest Brazilian Congresswomen are hotter than the hottest American Congresswomen. Absolutely. Absolutely. Let's get her arms still. She's got her arms. Viva Salvador! Viva Recife! Viva Urra Sao Paulo! I'll tell you something. No one complains about blackarms. Or anyone else took blackface. I see the legion of skanks for the next fucking month or so. We should come up with blackhands every week. Blackhands. Oh, yeah. I actually love that idea. Actually, we'll come up with blackhands. Blackface is not cool. The jury's in. I'm sorry. Is this your wallet? The hands do it on their own. Apologies. Apologies. Gimme that. These are my gimme hands. Imagine if it was a thing. I don't know. If it was a blackhand, it would be so much scarier. And that's things blackface also. It's always just hot wiring cars. It can roll blunts and lightning speed. He can stand up and give you a baggie with these two fingers. There was time. We watched it on Bonfire a while ago, but there's an old culture club video, I think, for the song Time, where everybody, for sure, gay. You were looking. It's in a, I was. I used to think that Boy George was a very pretty girl who no one understood. The name Boy didn't help with that. The first word is boy. On my life. Second word is George. Way too long. Definitely through the run of the first two videos, I was like, because I was also attracted to Cindy Lauper very much. So I was like, oh, it's like the quirky chick. It's like, I'll understand her. And then it was, and then it turns out her name was, in fact, Boy George. Yeah, so for sure. You should tell Boy George that to his face when you see him when you're fucking him. Because that's just. He's whispering in his ear. Yeah. You think he's a legs up and stared each other while I do it? Hey, when you're capturing a show. First, I thought you were a woman. You think Boy George is going to give it to me? No, I feel like I'm the guy. Is Boy George still alive? Yes. How do you know? He's going to make a rosebud out of Jay's. He fucking cleaned up his eyes. He's George Soros now. It's in my algorithm. No, he's like a bald guy for the last many, many years. Can we see Boy George today? He beat the shit out of a twink a couple of years ago. Nice. He like manhandled the twink. Yeah, because he likes guys like me. Come in, a big bear, fucking otter. But he was gay, right? I like how you know that you went from bear to otter. Yeah, yeah. Those of you who don't know that a skinny bear is an otter. I've lost a little weight. I've lost a weight. I've gotten down to otter by now. It looks like Timberlake now. Time won't give me time. And time is something. But there's blackface in the video for that song. There's like an intercourt woman and a whole jury's wearing blackface. And it's fucking, yeah, it's like band in the states or whatever. But again, I didn't even notice it because you were jerking off to Boy George. You're not wrong. Now by the time time came out, I knew. And I would be like, I'd try to lead other people to see if they would be like it's hot. I'd go pretty hot, right? And they go, it's a guy. I go, no, I know. So what did that mean then? I said, huh? Come on, dude. Did you know for real? That's worse, trans blackface or straight blackface? Well, here's what's fucking funny is I said, was this one that we do is in the Friday night hang. I go, the fact that blackface is called, like everything is considered blackface. Like technically like a Jimmy Kimmel doing Charles Barkley. That's not what blackface is. Like blackface is a very specific thing of black with the white mouth and the red lips. But now if anyone does like black makeup to do a black, they call that black, but that's not black. They move the goalpost. Yeah, a lot. This is literally when every white guy podcast this conversation has been had on. That's not even real fucking blackface, bro. This is a Halloween costume now. Finally listen to the podcast that should all. Digital blackface Google. It's just how it's. Yeah. That's all you know what? I'm not going to lie. That's not the blackface I'm thinking of. But it's. Wow, that's very blackface. It's there. No, but it's like this is like wow. That's zoom please. This is like the new racist conversation. And there we go. Wow. There he is. Oh, look at that flower lapel though. That's serious. I'll get out there and monkey around for me. Will you slave? I'll say I'll say yes zooms. Get out there and do your thing. I'm trying to page your nickel. That's blackface. That's going to be funny coming back after a fucking a dance in blackface. You go man, that was fun. You're fun, right? Everyone was yelling at me. It was like fun playing. What if you come back and you bombed? The bombing blackface would suck. You're a tough crowd out there, man. I don't know. It's probably because it's a Thursday show. Everybody worked today. That's a white guy or a black guy. That's a white guy. Also, I don't think you could bomb. You're not. That's black hair. You got black hair. Dude, in the 40s this. But he might be a Eugene Levy type. Is it the only way the black people could act is by putting on the white lipstick? But I mean, it does make you feel. But when you think of it, it does make you feel. Do you remember when Richard Dreyfus, when he was like slumped down the chair and he was complaining that like, oh, they say that you're doing blackface. He goes, and it's funny. It is a funny comment because he's going like, you're telling me that I couldn't play a black woman? You know, whatever. So like, you know, it's like something so ridiculous. It's like, the answer is very shortly. Like, yes, they will just find a black actor. But as an actor, I understand the point he's saying. He's like, isn't that the whole thing? Is you should play a role? It's like so crazy out of like pocket for you. Like so, I get his point too. And it is like, if you portrayed a black person, they had to put makeup on you. But no one gave a fuck. Delta Force with Chuck Norris. Delta Force fucking Robert Forrester plays an Arab guy. They just put fucking makeup on. And he just talks with a sort of Arab accent. It's Robert Forrester. All the original Asians and like, and like all the Westerns was just white guys with like Amy Winehouse makeup. Yeah, and buck teeth. Oh, hold on. It wasn't Mr. Miyagi's voice. Just like a gay dude from LA. Mr. Miyagi? Pat Marina? Oh, Pat Marina was just like, dude from, yeah, he had a completely American voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just put on a racist Asian accent. He was a stand up. There's no way it was good. So it is exactly what it's, it's Jallying Summers Act. Shut up. It's the same check. So it's great? Yeah. Is it better or worse than Bo Kut Lee, the only other Asian girl in comedy? Bo Kut Lee. He was a happy day. You know, this is America, man. Japanese condo. Yeah, he sounds like fucking Cheech and Charm. He's here this and that. And I love the fact that I was the only Japanese guy I'd ever worked in a nightclub with Red. I remember in the old days, you know, when he was first getting started, he used to have clever ways of introducing me. You know, he'd say like, here he is, laden, gentlemen, kamekaze mouth. World's shortest colored comedian. You know what, pause for a second. I have a question. Yeah. Because I wonder if this was like, because I'll almost argue this is racist. If, if the only other movie I'm aware of him doing, besides the Karate Kid movies, let's just say he played the character. He did a movie with Jay Leno. And let's watch the trailer for that. Because if he talks like Mr. Miyagi and that, that's fucking racist, no? Was it a gay guy in another movie? He's definitely not going, I'm going to do it again. He's playing a gay guy in a movie, I remember. Did he? I don't remember that at all. He's an actor, so he's probably a homosexual. Well, the only other gay Asian actor I know is George Takei. So I mean, yeah, it falls in line. Bobby Lee got molested. Did he? And he fucking loved it, so he's gay. He fucking loved it, dude, if you come, you're gay. I don't care what Detective Benson tells you, it's that it's not your fault. It's a natural reaction. You're fucking gay, do you love it? Second chief of Bob's 21 Jump Street is gay in real life. Absolutely true, that's right. A black man, a gay black man. Ouch. Play tough. What percentage of men have been molested? Do we know that? Does anybody pull it up? One, two, three, not it. I will say, I know. If it's 20%, one of the men at the same age would be molested. But what? It's not 20%. I think it's probably more, because it's people that admit it. No, that's not what it is. Lewis, you got molested. What? I'm going to get molested. Yes, you did. No, my friend's mom put her leg around me. She climbed into bed with me. She climbed into bed with you and put her leg around me. That's fucking crazy. That's not molested for a boy. Well, then two of you were molested. I gave head at gunpoint when I was two. Yeah. You ever suck a retard's dick in a boiler room when you were two? That's pain. But you've been in the warlocks ever since. Yeah, it was cool. It gave me street cred. That's why you're a fucking coke cat. One in six men. One in six men. Oh, so we're good. Oh, it's probably that faggot right there. Yeah, look at that. You faggot. You got molested for sure. Oh, tear up that breeze. You fucking had a guy suck your dick and you loved it, dude. That was actually the guy I was molesting. You fucking loved getting your dick sucked. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Dude, that piece is fault. You owe him, but it is weird that you loved it so fucking hard. That was weird. Oh, god. Oh, look at him. Look at it. Alex is saying I shouldn't have proved he's not gay, because that guy molested him. No, you can't do it. Look harder. Sell the lie. You owe him two hours of pity. You have pity sex tonight. Two hours of hair, sweaty, pity sex tonight, because he was molesting. You got to suck his dick while you tell him it's not your fault with a cock in your mouth. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Get it clear. Who did we do that a while ago? Was it on this show? Suck their dick and talk? No, no, no. I don't remember that. Maybe it was on the regs. We looked up our child pictures and figured out who was the most molestable. Oh, I was up there for sure, dude. You were molestable? Dude, I had a, I was at door. I'd have a little, a little, almost red hair bull cut. That Angus picture you have of you? The picture I put on the back of my album, dude, where I'm fucking holding my fucking wiener and bending over. Can I see that picture? Get your fat ass back. Send that to Alex right now. Dude, I look like Sam from Different Strokes, who got kidnapped on the show. No, you're going to, I got to be honest with you. I was way more molestable than you. I was, I was a young, hairless Latino boy. That's who you want to molest. With no father. No dad. No one to tell on. We did this on the show, Alex. We did it on this show. Bobby Hutch ended up being the most molestable. Oh, that's right. He was molestable. All right, thanks. Next point is a lot. He was. Yeah, Jay, you were, you were just a chunky little boy. Now we're trying to molest a chunky little boy. Shut the fuck up. Jay's like, I look like Matt Reif when I was 13. Oh, you're going to eat your words, Nick Roshifour. I'll show you how much you're going to want to fuck this little boy, dude. Matt Reif with guilt from being molested. Is there anything more frustrating than waiting for someone to find a picture? Yeah, just the pictures. It does suck. So you can say you know he wasn't cute because all of his other pictures, he's trying to find the only good one. Oh my God, do you know? Just search for a cute boy. I have all my little kid pictures together, so you pick anyone. Just a kiss. Let me see. Hang on, I'm going to show you the one. No, no, let me pick the one that I want. Yeah, let it pick the one you want. Not your model one. Let him see the proofs. Let me. Hang on, I want to find the one. Oh, wait, I want to find the one picture where you think you're a hot boy. What? No, no, I want to show you a pissy picture. Oh, here it is. This is gay and then sucking come out of a penis right now. That's cute. All right, fine, Jay, when you were like three, when you were three or more, as soon as you started putting on baby fat, when you were seven, it was a problem. You look like Heather O'Rourke. Steven Spielberg with Michael Jackson. The young Michelle Pfeiffer. Yeah, you do. Come on, dude. Michael Jackson would have loved that. Steven Spielberg would have his foot on your head. Come on, now. I know, you'd be up. You do it like you call it a piscati. I'm asking. Yes. Can I stand to you, Mike? Yeah, but you, the problem is your dick's small now, so I can only imagine how small your penis was back then. I'm getting nothing out of it, dude. Do you think pedophiles are size queens? Well, you want to feel it in your mouth. I think it's small. I mean, actually, I am imagining myself sucking young Jay's dick. That's like what's going on in my head. That's how I'm molesting his. It's I'm saying, hey, young man, lay back. I have something for you. I've got a couple of ones. I've got Piscatios on my butt cheeks. Wicked them off. No, son, that's your rosebud. That's your prolapse asshole. Ari, did you have the rabbi bite the tip of your dick when he? I did. Bite the tip of your dick when he? I demanded it. I want the real thing. None of this new age shit. Because you were like straight like a real Orthodox household. Yeah, I probably did. I don't remember. I don't remember it. But I assume I was for some time. I thought the rabbi sucked your bloody Jewish dick. Yeah, I got to call that guy. Baby dick. They don't bite the tip off. They suck the blood. They suck the blood out of the downer. You're thinking of the wax soda bottles. Yeah, they don't bite. They don't like. It's not a hand grenade. Michael, bring us up in a second. You tell me this motherfucker is not molestable as shit. Dude, I am ripe for the picking. In fact, one of these pictures I sent will show you almost more than beyond how beautiful I was as a little fuckable boy. Yeah, you'll see the reasons why I was going to be so mentally open to it in this. Yeah, OK, come on. Come on. Look at those baby blues. This guy's saying it wasn't my fault. Getting molested gives you the baby blues. Look at that paper cut of a mouth pussy. That is going to make you feel humongous. Next picture, please. I will give you that, Chey. Pissy pants. Hey, my butt hurts. Come on. Stop. Say it. Stop jerking off in front of me. I'm going to come. You're hiding. You're hiding your dick from me. Yeah, it's got blood. Yes, it's enough already. It hurts now. Wait, can I see this? You've done it too much. You've sucked my dick till it hurts. Next, please. Oh, now this is my father looking at me and saying, like, I'm not going to be here much longer, my man. I want to get a... He's telling me he's giving me the, you're the man of the house now speech. And I'm in a little fucking... What is going on with the wall behind you? The 70, your hand print. 70. Chey, can I just say your six-year-old self-dress is so much better than you now. Thank you. Because that, because my six-year-old self-dress is exactly like current Ari Shafir. Yes. You're right. You got a felt three-piece suit. God, you're not wrong. Buddy, I modeled tuxedos. One more, one more. I want that outfit. Oh, and there it is, dude. Come to my fucking Smurf bed. That's right after you were butt fucked. With my Kermit the Frog poster, dude. You're laying on your side because you're... I have to sleep like this now because my mom's boyfriend watches me sleep. What is a blanket that hides blood design? Oh, man, you look like you really got Smurfed. Buddy, that's Kermit the Frog on a fucking 10 speed above me right there. Smurf comforters. By the way, those are my comforters. You would stare up at that as you were being molested. Buddy, you're right. I was escaping to that. I will tell you this. I had these fucking, these exact comforters and that poster well into dick hair. Oh. Well into dick hair. Does that turn you on, waitress? Well, you can't have me. I'm too old. You're a child. Get out of here. Alice, you're gonna jerk off to this? Where the fuck are you going? Alex, I can't... What are you gonna fucking find somewhere to fucking slam your beef to this? You're gonna fucking punch your cunt when you're fucking... Be honest. ...can't stand you. Be honest, though, when you answer. Because your fingers are numb and it feels like somebody else is frigging your clit. You can't stop because you love it so much. I don't think chicks say frigging your clit enough anymore. I'm gonna frig my clit. Wouldn't that be hot? I would like it. Yeah. I feel like Jewish babies aren't cute. So I... The fuck are you trying? What? Let's rake back babies. What about you're not... I don't consider you a Jew. Oh, so who cares if fair hospitals get blown up? If a baby him is. No. If a baby him is. He's not a Jew. That baby is a baby. Black number one. Are you... Are you having like a translucent head with blue veins in its fucking... I know, I know... He looks like Bat Boy. Yeah. That's a pretty pale. I'm pretty fair skinned. I'm pretty Jewish, for sure. No, my dad was at the Holocaust. Oh. Or you did have family in the Holocaust, though? Yeah. Of course. More than yours. More than yours, for sure. Easily. Mine? Yeah, more. No, mine. Mine more. My grandmother always told me that somebody in our family jumped off a boat to escape. I don't know if it's true, but that's dope. It's one of my favorite old jokes. It's like, yeah, my grandpa was in the Holocaust. He fell out of a watchtower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, he jumped into one of those oceans in Europe between Germany and Poland. Yeah, probably. Jumped to escape the... Jumped off a boat. Was that the challenge? We'll let you out of this, but you guys jump off a boat. Also the great... What boat? There are no boats. Also the great uncle that I'm Jewish named after, thank God, because my mom was going to name me after him and my name would have been Oscar O'grerson. A fact kid named Oscar O'grerson is definitely hanging from a ceiling fan before he's 16. And your name would have been, ooh. Yeah, yeah. Ooh, the ceiling fan broke. Yeah. And at my memorial, there would have been a video of me playing tuba in a folding chair. A heavy steel folding chair while everybody else sat in fancy chairs. Russiophore, you look like you have Nazi ancestry. Well, I want to talk to you guys about a pamphlet on a new group I just joined. I've got some information. I mean, listen, I like you a lot, so I'm always willing to listen. Yeah, well, first you got to look like Ham, but no, I wish. No, I wish. I'm a French Canadian. We don't have any of that. We're too poor to be racist, as like I say. I wish I could pick my neighbors, but I can't. That's great. Do you know what's so funny? I watched a video today when I was getting my nails done, cornflower blue. When I was getting them done today, I watched a video. Sure, I watched a video, 20 things you didn't know about American History X, which is pretty fucking great. But one of the funny things was, do you know any of them? I knew a few of them. OK. Take number one, the Nazis, the bad guys. Well, no, I knew the director. I know Edward Norton edited it behind the director's back because he had final cut. Yeah, weird. And the director hates it and the way they did it. I think it's fucking great. But one of the funny facts was that Fairuz Abalke, who's probably fucking just intolerable to be around, Fairuz Abalke said that she had to stay in character the whole time. So on break and stuff in lunch, she would only and dinner, she would only eat with like white stiff and she would yell fucking racist shit at the other fucking with the real. And they just had to deal with it because like, wow, she's in character. Like, get the fuck out of here, dude. That just sounds like a great excuse. Like, sorry, I'm not in another room to be in character. She can't get hotter that girl. Jesus Christ. And then and then by the way, and then it goes, it goes by a week in or so, the production stepped in and was like, you can't do this. So, yeah, she had to stop. But the fact that she did it at all is so funny. Actors are so retarded. I need it again. The character you had such a great joke for that, dude. It was so fucking true. It's just like comedy, dude. Anyone who fucking shadow boxes before they go on stage as a hype up thing is fucking faking a thing. That was boss. Boss had that joke. Absolutely. So yeah, go shit. But I watched so many people. Do I watch this guy, Rich Brooks, who was like a New York staple one point. I don't know where he's at now. But we were doing some showdown. It was like NBC's fucking show space where they're taping everything and maybe NBC likes you and we were getting ready to go on stage and I was just like sitting there like hanging out, having a beer or whatever. And like he was going on next and he fucking, he goes, I'm sorry, man. I was like, what? And then he went on his fucking head against the wall. What? He went up in a fucking handstand against the wall on his head and started like oming. It was fucking insane. I was like, dude, we're going out there to make people laugh. If he was right side up, you think he would have said moo? But you know what I'm saying? Like who's fucking doing like this shit before a fucking Joe Rogan? I tell you something without naming names, I will say every time I do the butt, I want you to pay attention to this. He'd be most likely to be in a standing yoga. Because Lewis is going to is going to work with me the whole week and then I'm at mothership next. So I want you to pay attention to that. I always say they always give you a choice, by the way, close the green room or leave it open. What they're basically asking is like, do you want to agree on the green itself or do you want to treat everybody else is working here like a jerk off that have to stand in the fucking hallway outside? So I always say open the green room. And I will tell you the inordinate amount of people who before they're going on are doing like legitimate, like people need to be out of the way sidekicks. So fucking funny, dude. Well, they have also never been my thing. I've always said it was funny when people have like, I've been talking to people before I go on stage and they go, oh, you're probably on soon. Do you have to go like get in the zone or something? And I went, what? And I go, no, I have to grab a water. But like, I think literally I could tell you the last thing I have to tell you as I'm pulling away from you to go on stages or saying my name, I can go, and then the guy fucking threw up and then fucking go. That's insane. What zone do I have to get in? That's crazy. It should be funny already room. They have like just bottles and bottles of smelling salts because comics are always like, because you have to get, you have to get a light dude. That's I swear to God on my life. That's what my stepfather's powerlifting friends did before they went for a personal record. They put on a crazy shirt that made their arms go like this and they'd whiff fucking ammonia and fucking headbutt a cinderblock wall till they bled and then go for a personal record of inordinate weight. That's not the energy. That's why you have to enter the stage at the fat man. That's the name of the game. Wait, wait, wait. Nobody's actually using a smelling salt. Yes, they are not doing that. They are. I am. I don't know why they're there. Sorry. Are you weren't there? I did this to Alex. She didn't know about the smelling salts. So I had a I go Alex, this is really good weed. Check this out. No. And she to, did she put her dump on head nose so deep in the jar? He gave her weed. He had to give her a big Christmas bonus that year. I inhaled as deeply as I possibly could. It was nuts. Alex was like, I love awesome smelling weed. What's the one tiny sniff is like it will bear you. That's no, it's just fucked me up. I actually on the exhale was crying. I went, why would you do that? She asked him, she asked him out. Why would you do that? Jay, I need you to set me up. I need you to say again that there's people in the green room doing people get out of my way. Seconds. We wait, say it again. Say there's people doing get out of my way. Sidekicks in the green room with the mother show. There's people on the green room doing get out of the way. Sidekicks. And there is nothing worse in comedy than Joe Rogan sidekicks. Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach, hold on. Take him a, take him a chant for resetting up the joke. I had a, I had a. That's a good joke to go back to go. Alex, edit that so that I'm funny. No, I'm playing on words like that. In the room. I put a compliment. Put it back in the original. I think the compliment there was we brought it back and it hit. Yeah, that's big. Thank you. That's very, very big. I will say both places. Brian Callan is going to fight Zach now. You know that, right? Yeah, it's possible. He's tough. I will say this. I will say this only because I'm two joints and three shots in is out. Bear spray. I thought they were going to moon us. You're going to take a big creamy shit before they get maced. Yeah, I will say I love the club. The club is great. Rogan's club is fantastic. But like I will say there's the energy of the thing. Nobody is doing the smelling salts before I am. But also, and I know it's a quote, it's a Joe E.D. is quote, but it says get it together, bitch, before you go on. And the energy of that just feels so like you're supposed to slap that like a Notre Dame sign before you go on the field. That's what I'm saying. All of that is already just too serious for comedy. Get it together, bitch. It's such a comment that's just like exactly. It's like, it's like guys going like, let's go, go out there and fucking make them laugh. It's just so like the energy should be more like going on stage like, hey, what's up, everybody? I'm laughing. Let's laugh for the steps. Hey, yeah, I mean, really, it's the idea of like the snap out of your bullshit and get up there and fucking do your jokes. And I'm like, that's not my thing. It's the rise and grind green room. Can I just say the way I'm a slower person, I guess the way Joe Rogan deals with comedy and the way big jokes and dresses are identical. You look like you'd be into this. I do play it have to be high octane comedy. But I mean, I couldn't go on stage with more of like a, hey, you guys having fun so far? Let's keep having fun. I don't even have a closing bit. You know, I mean, I don't have like a thing like when I'm like they laugh. I know I know this is where they fucking explode and I go. I might do that in the middle and then towards the end I say somewhere. They go, I go, I know right now was dumb. I got to get out of here. I have to know like I'm like I'm just I just spent an hour with you. We're just doing our talk together. So they want you to dress like a monster energy can. Yeah, no shit. They want you to dress like they want you to act like the program, the movie, the rapist, the foot, the Latimer, fucking Latimer. They want you to be Latimer. I should be walking around and goes, what are you just going to fucking leave me with a heart on? You know, you throw that hundred pound girl when she gets back here to like try it out and she gets back here from. You're just going to leave me the fucking heart on you fucking slut. You're all slut. Let's real quick. Let's do some plugs. It's so funny saying every comment go up those steps going, yeah. Jay's just going, what are we doing? All right, let's do some plugs real quick. Zach, what do you plug in, my friend? I'll watch my podcast here in the network real as podcast with Lewis Zach because morning zoo and midnight spook show. And I'm doing my half an hour at the Creek and Cave May the 23rd, splitting it with Tim butterly and sincere. Thank you to Lewis and guest digital for doing that, man. It means a welcome. Make Russia for it. Checking out on a perfect guy life podcast with Sam Hyde and the scuffed realtor live shamanics house.com. If you guys want to see me live, please. I've got dates in Tampa Orlando and fucking all that shit. Please come out. We have dead dogs. We've got overweight prostitutes. We've got I can't. I got nudes. I've got old lady nudes coming. I've got 70 year old women opening their clit. We've got a new game called rate your clit that's coming out. It's really good. So basically a one to 10 scale where girls rate their clit. It's pretty dope. Check that out. But those dates, please come see me live. Can I ask Nick? You're still fish tank. You guys think that's that? Yeah, that's not it's in our wheelhouse, but it's going on right now as you speak. Bam Margera, Bam Margera is not bad. I keep seeing them in fish house. Yeah, what is the host? In. Oh, he's the host. He's the host. Wow. Yeah, it's fucking wild. It's fucking great. It's it's fucking hell. Yeah, dude. Don't be there's gonna be there. So you're still you're attached to it though. So I mean, it's an hour. It's an it's like it's like gas digital universe. It's in the universe. God, that's fucking awesome. It's a plan. It's a plan. I think and he's like good. Bam Margera seems like he's got a shit to get. Yeah, wait, is there a promo code for signing up for your thing? What's that? Yeah, promo code is it's just actually just a Google image search. It's just like free child porn dot com. Nice. It's a QR code. Lemon party. Lemon party dot org. You can check that out. That's my website. Ori. Yeah, thanks. I have a new television show coming out called the end. Thank you. A lot of people are saying it's this is not happening and I cannot express to you how much legally I don't want you to say that. It is a brand new, completely unrelated show from what you guys are all clearly saying and it's obvious. It's available right now for pre-self with $25 for the entire season. Seven episodes. Big J is on it. Lewis is going to watch it. Nick Roshifar is going to watch it. Zach and Micho is going to walk it. I'm on it. Individual episodes out April 16th when they're all out for six bucks. But get the whole season for 25 now. Pre-sale. Jay is on an episode with. Ali Siddique and Tony Hinchcliffe and Steph Tollev. Nice. Yeah. Good episode. Yeah, great episode. That's it. That's my plug. Very fun. Yeah. And if you're guy and the last one, if you guys, if you're thinking about committing suicide, if it's really going through your head, let me be the voice of like the minority voice and say, listen to yourself. A lot of people are going to try to talk at it, but they don't understand the situation you're going through. Could the energy be that wrong? Could your energy be that wrong? I'm honestly thinking about how nice it sounds. If you think it's time, just go to sleep. Don't wake up. Just go to sleep. Sounds incredible. Yeah. Don't do anything psychotic like jump off a building or anything where you have even moments of regret. Go off into the sweet good night. Fucking heroin lyrics to a fucking song in your head. It doesn't exist. I will also be the minority voice. Man, do that motherfucking shit. Okay. There it is. Listen to your fill. Follow your dreams. Big J. Follow your dreams. Oh, big J. Comedy.com greatest. Yeah. For a live tour is happening right now. I'm rolling straight through, man. I'm in the middle of like a fucking 26 weekends in a row. That's how much I fucking love you guys. I never fucking stop. I do broadcasting all week and I come to you all weekend. St. Louis, Missouri this weekend. I'm coming to you Friday and Saturday only Orlando, Florida after that. Nashville, Tennessee, Kansas City, Nashville. We're actually doing the two story wars for the comedy festival. But of a Nashville comedy festival two nights, one show a night at Zany's Comedy Club. So get your tickets for that. That is going the fucking slot. We got great guests coming for that. Kansas City, Missouri, Las Vegas, Nevada, Providence. Oh, I get to drive somewhere. West Hollywood, California. Oh, I know what that is. That story wars out at the fucking Netflix is a joke festival. Rochester might be getting moved for some fun reasons. Yeah, I got some fun announcements coming up pretty soon, man. I can't say anything about some things yet, but it's going to be a fucking fun year, man, for sure. Thank you guys for fucking selling out a bunch of these shows on the road. Again, big J comedy.com. Listen to the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. Go to our YouTube and subscribe to the YouTube. The video just came out. Came out way too quietly. But I will tell you that we just released a video of one of my first few months in comedy sets. Oh, man. Really, really. When Ari Shafir, Bobby Kelly and Dan Soder on the bonfire going through this fucking six minutes. Having to watch that. I would suggest you all avoid it. It leaves you with such a terrible taste in your mouth. I'm telling you, I'm going on a week and I haven't shaken it. I would stay away from that as hard as possible. I've never had more young comics reach out to me. They go, dude, this makes me feel so fucking good. This makes me feel like I'm going to be fucking all right. A piece of shit. This was so bad that it's like makes me know it's like, wow, you can be that bad and like finally make people laugh. Actually, yeah, I got some positives out of this is fucking amazing. So yeah, check that out on bonfires. You fucking it's you suck. I know how funny it was, but I'm telling you, you're watching me during a stress eat. I am. I fucking you open up multiple packages of shit. There weren't there weren't even any there. You just pulled out from a stash. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was found them from somewhere. It was it was brutal to sit there and take it. But I mean it is fucking. I mean this I have the perspective to know that this was somebody else. This is great. So enjoy and go subscribe over at bonfires YouTube force subscribe to story wars YouTube as well as Legion of skanks and story wars available right here on the gas digital network. Check us out. Oh yeah. And subscribe to gas digital. Thank you. Thank you. Big jail. This is the legend of the science is in. I come to be on the road, guys. Go to Lewis of skanks.com. The right only this tour. I'm going to Detroit coming up in a few weeks. Morris, Plains, New Jersey, St. Catherine's, Ontario, Canada. I had a reschedule my Toronto date for the end of the month. I'm coming to Toronto at the end of April. Fort Myers, Florida, Springfield, Missouri and more. Go to my website Lewis of skanks.com. Grab tickets for all those shows and more and subscribe to gas digital. If you love the show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad free version of the show every Tuesday night just for subscribers. Then a Friday night hang just just me, big J and a special guest every Friday night. So tune in for that. The only way you can get that is by subscribing to gas digital uncensored ad free episodes. Use the promo code LOS save a couple bucks a month and buy my book knives and spoons go get it right now on Amazon. Anywhere else you can get books. I saw probably this is good. A homeless person in the village on the road. I'm signing as many knives and spoons books as I have my album. All the people are just showing up with the people that come to my show. They bring they bring they bring my album and if they're collector people, for sure, our stuff, they have usually it's like my album. You're going to sign. We'll sign the chapter that you're in. I wrote every time I write and I go eight. I just put a different percentage, whatever percentage of this book is lies. And I just signed my name. Ninety two percent of this book is lies. Lewis, please. I don't know. Do we celebrate your book and all you've accomplished this year stop it. But no, somebody's birthday is coming up before the next episode. No way, dude. And you know what that means. It's time for my favorite. James favorite cake. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Lewis. Happy birthday to you. It's Jay's favorite. My favorite. Jay loves this cake so much. Really? Yeah. And everybody's birthday. We get Jay's favorite. I tell you something. Everyone that will tell you in this room who's ever had this cake will go. It's now my favorite. No, not my favorite. Not my favorite. It's good. My favorite. Jake, blow those candles out first of all you piece of shit. No, I want it to melt into your favorite. No. All right. My wish. Oh, God. What? Oh, mayhem. Man. Fuck. Well, fuck mayhem. I'm so excited about this. This is classic Legion of skanks, man. This is what we do. And there's weed ash on it now, too. That's always been Ari's longtime role on the show. It was there for so long. What is that? They're there for so long. He's a hero. There was poison in there. Is that because I'm so stoned? I had no idea what Ari was doing and I started almost helping move things. I'm like, oh, I go. Oh, he's going to knock over this glass by accident. I'm soaking wet. I go. I'm sorry. I went. He's going to get water on the cake. There's multiple factors. The audience really upset. They're all leaving. It was for the whole. It was for the whole. Jake, for the record, the top's still edible. The bottom that is now the top. Why would you do that? Look, this creature should roll around on the floor on the cake. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, do a varsity blues with the cake. Oh, and I wanted it. Varsity blues. How cool are they? Varsity blues. Varsity blues. Varsity blues. Varsity. Oh, my God. I just realized she's too young to know what the fucking varsity is. I don't even know what it is. The girl came out with the fucking. I remember some varsity blues. You hate sports and sports movies? I don't care about sports movies. Oh, my God. Do you just love stage musicals? I only know it from the Not Another Teen movie parody of it. Sure. But the reference. Who the fuck is this? Plotterykins don't play football. You know that. I just have a few questions for Zach. Can I tell you the truth though? What? Alex brought cake from her daughter's birthday yesterday. So we still have cake for everyone in the audience. Yeah. Aura. Aura. Aura. I'm not enjoying that. See, Ari? I can't really. You can't ruin our fun. I didn't want to. You guys just J's favorite cake. Sure. It was only my favorite cake. He led up to the favorite cake for so long. It's fine though. I haven't had dinner yet. He only gets his cake once a month on the show when we have to celebrate somebody's birthday. Every one's birthday. I go out in the crowd. When's your birthday? Next month you're just coming to show. We should make it a birthday podcast. It's a new theme. But they buy it every every day. It has to be her birthday. Blee McJ doesn't give a fuck about this cake. That's Blee McJ. He doesn't give it again. J's bummed that. Yeah, he was going to purge anyway in the bathroom. Right girl. You know what that's all about, right? Yeah, go purge. Go throw up now. Hell yeah. Yeah, go get skittier. Get your fat asses out here and go get that food out of your throat. You fat pig. You better cut your thighs too, you slut. I want you demented by the time we fucking rope your throat up with your no-may once a girl is fat as you. I thought my phone was under the cake. I was going to be so fucking pissed, dude. God damn it, Ari. I'm soaking wet, by the way. Happy birthday. Why the water? It's my birthday. Happy birthday, buddy. You ruined my 40th birthday. You semi-deserved that because we had a plan that we were going to bring my favorite cake. We talked about this already. Story wars. We're doing that as well. That's your actual birthday. But they told me today to go make sure we do the cake after the plugs because we had the cake. I go, no, we're doing the cake on his birthday. We have a show on his birthday on story wars. This is the Legion of Skank Celebration. And he goes, he requested it tonight. It's a different brand. No, I didn't request it. They asked if I wanted it. And you demanded? Then I said yes, I want to take them both. Alex, you requested it. Hold on, Alex. You asked. Hold on, I'm not sure. Bench, put your microphone on. You have one job. That's it. Putting microphones on. Why do none of our microphones work? It's buttons on one thing. I told Louis that I had my daughter's birthday cake. And he said, yeah, but you got a cake for me too, right? Oh, wow. She said she was going to give out your daughter's birthday cake for my birthday. But you got a cake for me too. And I was like, that's crazy. Get a real cake. That's insanity. Is that insanity? Yeah, it is. What's your fucking leftover cake from your dumb daughter? Because you care about this. It's all we have now. Baby, baby, I don't care about it. I have an elevated palate. I don't have a baby palate. You're going to love this cake. Did someone get us pieces of cake? I was so sure I was going to have cake. I'm disappointed too. I'm stoned. And I would love to love that cake. Can we ask somebody to clean this up? Jake, why are you sitting on your fucking ass? Oh my god. Clean up the goddamn fucking thing. Jake, get this cake away from my sneakers or I'll fucking sue you. Jake, try it. Jake, just try some. Jake, if you eat the cake, we won't bare-mace you. Josh, stop being lazy. No bare-mace for an eat. Jake's going to eat the cake. The entire cake? Not the entire, just a full bite. Like a legit full bite. With your mouth. Look, what a psycho. No, that's not floor part. That has weed ash in it. That's not floor part. Got weed ash. How is it? I would have eaten that part if society wasn't around. If there weren't cameras. If there weren't cameras? If there were no cameras. I'd have called your wires. I'd have taken your cord. Jay and I would be ass in the air on each side. Feet kicking up behind you. If society wasn't here? Our ankles would be crossed. And our asses would be jiggling. Arnest Belly, like he's watching a TV show after school. We'd be shaking our asses in the air. Zach could regrow a tail so we could wag it. The loser really is the person who gets lashed. If there was no one else here and no cameras, I would be picking cake off the floor unquestioned. It would look like an audition for Matilda. I'm so stoned I want cake. Damn, dude. That's your favorite cake. Alex, go get my second favorite cake. It's like a $70 fucking cake. It's such an expensive cake. Dude, it's wild. I'm really sorry. Ari told me it was a $53 cake. That's what he just told me. I just got a text from Ari. He's got a $3 top. He's got an app in development that takes pictures and tells you what they're worth. Don't tell me how much cake's so worth. The name of this episode be cake versus cake. Ari's a real cake. Cake v cake. Oh, shit. Oh. Why'd you leave it? Oh, man. Ari wants to try that cake so bad. That's so bad. He trusts my palate. Jay, you want to try that cake so bad. You could try. Dude, you could take some from right there. It's not even on the floor, dude. Wait, those chicks are in the bathroom, right? Yes. Ladies, close your eyes. I'm going in for a fucking smooch. Dude, oh, man. Can I tell you what really hurts my feelings? Ari threw piss in my face and no one cared. And now everyone's like, ah, too far, dude. Dude, you ruined Louis's birthday three days before his birthday. What are you, a black teenager? It's my birthday month. Well, I figure we were celebrating an unleashed of skanks and we're celebrating it on store words. These are two separate entities, two separate properties, opportunities to celebrate my birthday. First. Yeah. Come on, dude. Without a doubt. Don't be hateful. Why has Jake not cleaned up the fucking cake? What are you doing? Clean it, you human vacuum. Ari, what do you mean? Jake, don't come and ask me how to clean a cake. Figure it out. A cake shovel, dude. You're a cake shovel. Why do they even have that here? Louis, generally, how do you like cakes being mopped up? I mean, how would I clean it up? A cake shovel. Just cake shovel it. Interim Jake has prepared a segment for us. What'd you say? That's their stupid plan? No, I don't care what they want to do. I don't want to look at cake. First words, asking for cake. You're trying to justify hiding these Mexicans from ICE. Who is they? They want to do it after. No, no, no. We want you to do it now, you lazy fucking redheaded asshole. Yeah, what are you, the fucking foreman? He doesn't know how to do it. Give us our fucking $500 back, Jake. Get the cake shovel! Ah, fun ghoul. Now Beastmaster Alex is coming in. Alex, send your trained ferret to teach Jake how to do things right. Good job, Jake. Alex, talk to a hawk and make it help Jake. Yes, there's more. Commander hawk to help. Clean that cake, you piece of shit. Suck it! Jake versus cake. What are you doing? Why are you handling it the worst? Oh, ladies, you came back at a great time. How are you doing? Don't worry, Jake's single and available. He's got a foot that belongs in Middle Earth. For the girls. Little chocolate covered strawberries to get the girls in the mood that just came back from taking shits in the toilet and doing cocaine. The fuck has happened in here? I've done that. I've taken shit from all doing cocaine. Cocaine makes you shit, right girls? Multi-saf. Yes, it does. Yeah, it does. The stinky, stinky shit. I take little shits. Yeah, teeny little shit. That's big mooch you want only fans, though. I'm just kidding. All right, what are our, Jake and Josh. You guys did take shits, didn't you? What? You played girls kidding, like, I don't know, five times ago you played a girl sitting out there for like 10 minutes straight. OK, last time we were here. No, you didn't. Jay, she's talking about a show where you came up with one of the bits for sure. If it was a girl shitting. The time you came before? Yeah, it was a girl shitting. No, Far Abraham team mom. Come on, that's crazy. It was two feet of unbroken shit. Really? It was the most satisfying turd I've ever seen in my life. Come on. Go to act like when you steal, you're like, man, I wish I shit like that. That was Jay's favorite shit. And if you do, God bless you. It's my number one favorite shit. For sure, Zach, that's not an understatement. It's my number one, it's the most satisfying looking turd I've ever seen a human being let alone a woman take. If I shit like that every morning, I'd be like, I'm doing right. I'm doing right. Sorry, I had to address the people. No, I didn't. I just want to make sure the people at home appear. I apologize. It's all right. I just saw them. They were turning on me. So look, we had Josh and Jake both prepare. Was it a topic we decided it would be one of them to do? A routine. I think one of them has to go after this. This is crazy. Or do you have to go back and start? One of them, whoever's topic stinks more, we should fire tonight. Now Josh is leaving anyway. Josh is leaving anyway. So it's way funnier to fire Jake. Josh, when are you leaving? End of the month. So like. It is the end of the month. It's the end of the month right now. Tomorrow. In the April. The end of April. Is this an April Fool's joke that nobody cares about? I promise you the payoff's not going to hit hard. You're going to go and stay where you go. All right. Yeah, nice. He's going back to Spain, right? Is that where he's going back to? No. Is it Switzerland? Wakanda. Yeah. So they're going to both do a segment? He really stands out as the only boogie man in Switzerland. It means something different there. Yeah, dude. It's like fucking Valhalla. Yeah, man. So all right. Rhymes of the truth. Who's giving us the topic? They are. All right, so Josh. That's a segment idea for them? Yeah, so that we're trying to put them to work. They don't do anything. Whoever sucks up the most cake has to go first. R, you're not in this. I want to go piss. Oh, I thought you were going to suck up cake. Hey, how old are you? I'm as old as that. Kim, making a fucking hour and a half. He's an older channel. I don't know. I thought it was two and a half hours. No, it's about two. It could be an hour and four. Guess what, guys? We're going long tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Rhymes. Thank you, everybody. I'm going to go. That's when I ball back. And we get back another 45 minutes of Leisure Skates Action. Yeah. Yeah. We can make that hurt. We'll fucking do it. We'll fucking do it. Two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two. Rhymes. He's going to check the. He's going to check the. Relax. Rhymes just called out the exact runtime of the show. What if also, how funny would it be if he came back and we were all gone? Yeah. Like the whole room was completely packed up. We met our obligation. If he comes back with a cup, fucking, beat him over the fucking, get him at the corner. Tackle him. If he comes back with piss, that would suck. So Josh, we're going to put you up first. This is it. We got to, I mean, look, we know you're leaving in a month, but firing you a month before you leave is also hilarious in itself. Also getting Jake fired. When you get this day, even though you know you're leaving is also pretty fucking hilarious. It's funny. Something's got to give. What are these guys going to work? Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are we doing? Can I tell you something? Can I break the fourth wall here a little bit? Do you mind, Lewis? Please. I don't. Jake, come here. And also, if you guys wouldn't mind standing right here. I'd like you guys to know, if you guys, be near each other, please. I'd like to see you both. It's insane the amount of time off microphone away from the world. Lewis talks to me about how bad he wants to get rid of both of you. I'm not a gas digital partner. I have nothing almost to do with this. This is, you guys are in gas digital, but he informs me a lot. He really would just like, he wished both of you would just vanish like a fucking, like if you guys went back to the future and you couldn't get your mom to fuck your dad. Richard playing guitar and your hands are system. Yeah, they want you to decide she's a fucking vanish. Slowly because your parents never got the fuck. But Jake, you ended up almost fucking your mom prom night. In real life. If they don't go back to the future, they're supposed to be fired. I want to both be fired. If they don't get that fucking dope ass back, Lewis, you nailed that. I know I nailed it. You fucking killed that dude. Ari, the bathroom is upstairs. Where did you piss? What's going on here? First of all, there is no way are you pissed in a toilet? I was as I respect the show enough more than to go upstairs and downstairs. Where did you came back so fast? I pissed. He pissed. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment to thank in the cloud for supporting the show. If you're trying to celebrate for 20 in the clouds, the way to do it flower gummies, vapes, pre-rolls, animals, anything you need are you are a blithering pod head. Oh, you love it about it. I love getting so high. And guess what? You've been smoking in the cloud all night long on the Legion of Saints podcast. Federally legal THC sold. What's the site, dude? Hold on. It's DEA certified and lab tested. Get to it, bro. Bro. Dude. Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog. You're harsh on my mellow. Yeah, we're trying to go watch Pineapple Express. Tell us. If you're 21 and older and a new customer, go to Indicloud.co. Indicloud.co and use the code skanks for 40% off your order today. Tell me what the website is for. I said it right. Say it again. I was distracted. You did. Indicloud.co. C-O-M? Indicloud.co. C-O-M? No. No. No. C-O. Wait. Exactly. Say the whole thing again. Indicloud.co. Wait, they do without the M? No, Am, dude. We both go ask them for savings. Fuck, what the fuck? What the fuck? Use the code skanks for 40% off. Plus, you're going to get free shipping on orders over $50 and $30 in free gifts and qualify for orders. I lost all of my neighbors. I didn't even need more to screed with the stuff I guess shipped. They're also, they have a survey too, so make sure you tell them Legion of Skanks sent you. Oh, Ari, it has shipped a screed. Leave your door. Oh, great that I'm in. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. Ari, if you're living on Body Brain Coffee in the jungles. All through Latin America, the Amazon, they said, hey, can you tell American? Look, interventionism, we get the fuck out of our politics and you get more Body Brain over here. We're chosen. It's also got other incredible ingredients that support natural testosterone. What? Tonk at Ali. I don't know, fuck. Do you know what? What? All these ingredients, they work good if you just crank them directly up your ass. That's not true. If you boof them, they will come. What do you mean it's not true? Do not boof them. Do not drink them. You need to drink them, dude. I don't like coffee. Jay's been putting up his ass and I'm letting you know right now it's doing nothing for you. You're wrong about that. Why not? I'm not going to get my chest. The science is in. Oh my god, dude. The science is in, bro. You've been boofing that? You've been boofing it? And it still works? Yeah. You've done no studies against that. Look, if you can boof it or you can drink it hot, cold, put it in your protein shake. That's how I do it. I prefer it warm. Jay, warm it up my ass. Can I get? Yeah. Hot's too much and cold. Ooh, wee. Look, right now go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. We're giving you a pretty great deal. Use the promo code LOS20, save 20% off. And if you subscribe to receive it monthly, you're going to get 20% off plus free shipping, and if you subscribe to get a free gift, we're giving you the BodyBrain Creamer before it goes anywhere else. You're going to get a sample pack. Shut up your ass and tell them the science thing. No, no, no. I'm really sorry to do this. BodyBrainCoffee.com, promo code LOS20. What? I'm really sorry, buddy. What's going on? What happened? I'm really sorry. What's going on? I was talking before I got here today about a promo code for it. Oh, no. Yeah. It's LOS21. LOS21. Yeah. For 21% off. I thought they already talked to you and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. We can't afford this. We lose money on every bag. I know, but the law is the law. You know what, dude? And if you go to LOS21, if you use that as a promo code right now, you get 21. That's ridiculous. This actually fucking bumps me out because I actually forgot about this until I reminded me. Jay, what? What? If you promise to shove it up your ass and you use promo code SCIENCE to get 22% off. Holy shit. Holy shit. 22% off with a promo code SCIENCE. At BodybreakCoffee.com, we said it, so it's legal. I have to do it. SCIENCE for 22% off your own personal. If you promise to shove it up your ass. BodybreakCoffee.com, use the promo code SCIENCE. Promise to shove it up your ass. 22% off. Pretty incredible. Do your part. All right. Where were we? First of all, I'm back, everybody. Yeah. You're in the cake, but he's back. Are we not giving you out those pieces of cake? Where's the fucking cake? I want, well, then fucking wall, whichever one goes first, the other one, get me cake. This is the only time Jay's doing this. I know how this works. I know how this works. Please don't destroy my cake. I won't do it. Thank you. Yeah. And you're going to have to. Don't put the cake anywhere in the air. Don't even put the cake on the table. Do you know how mad I am to not have had that other cake? I know. It's the best cake in the city. Oh, it looks so good. It's chocolate. Fuck. It's chocolate. Why did you leave it there for so long? It's strawberry banana shortcake. But chocolate cake with like whipped cream frosting. Wild shit. Why? OK, nice. What is that for? Is that for Jay? All right, I'm going to have a buddy or cake. You deserve cake. What is our cake? What fucking cake? Equal. Pass it out. Jake, if you don't give me cake, I swear. Jay, take that one. Jay, take that one. That one's got the most purple frosting. That's crazy, Jay. It's obviously it. I just want to bite of yours. Is that OK? Yeah. No, I got one. Thank you. Yay, happy birthday to me. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. He did a two for one. He did a two for one. I know your trainer's listening. He did a two for one. Alex, that cake was OK. No, we're near as good as Jay's cake. I think what I'm eating right now is a candle. I mean, Alex, not even one one-third as good as Jay's cake. This is the worst cake I've ever had in my life. You gave this to your daughter. Do you hate your daughter? Oh, this is the kind of cake you have to put ice cream on. This tastes like fucking ice. It's so average. It's so nothing. This is like powdered sugar nut sack. You guys are nuts. It's fun, fatty cake with chocolate mousse in the middle and whipped cream on top. Did it retort it? It's sour, quite sure. It's delicious. Alex is 100 pounds. Jay's and Jay Lou's are 700 pounds together. I know cake. You're debating cake with 700 pounds. Alex, did you just let a retarded kid run into a cake shop and point at ingredients? This is the next thing. Alex, you let a retarded guy come in three years ago and so they had to get a cake. Let the audience decide how good the cake is. I'm not going to finish you. I'm not going to finish you. Who wants some? Tell me how about that, guys. Take someone pass it down. It's so fucking mid. These are the terms you would understand. All right, we're going to go to the audience. We're going to say above par and below par, right? Par. Above par. No, not just that it's cake. Ari, what? It's what? It's above par. It's par. Par. Okay, okay. All right, that's fine. You voted. You can't push up. If you think the cake, we're going to do it one by one. If he says that, then it's true. Ari, shut up. Above par. If you think the cake was above par, clap your hands. You're going to do it one by one. If you think the cake was above par, clap your hands. He's clapping. Oh, my God. If you think this cake is below par, clap your hands. Oh, my God. That girl is doing so much blow. That girl's going to throw up so fucking fast right now. That girl has been doing coke every time. Wear your mouth guard. The putes going to wear the back of your teeth out. That cake was just called cake flavor. And this guy was molested, so he knows good cake. He knows good cake. He's got a lot of makeup cakes. That's why you didn't tell me, but you were 22 years old, because his uncle got him good cake. You wouldn't even stop crying after your asshole was falling out if you got that cake. That's cake with quotation marks around it. The crowd is the crowd. We're losing the crowd. We're losing them. A lot of discourse on the cake right now. They're not happy. They're not happy about the cake. Lewis, I would suck your dick right now if we could reverse time and have the old cake come back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that cake was so good. R.U.P.s is shit. Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Get a shot of me here. Hi, I'm Orish Shafir reporting live from the audience. How was the cake? Kind of mid. Kind of mid. Okay, there you have it. Back to you guys. Wow, kind of mid. The audience has spoken. Alex, you gave that to your daughter. Did you give it to her? Did you punch it into her face? It's a very expensive cake, you guys. How expensive? Over $100. What? What? Ari just told me the cake was $68. Robbery! Attack, Yebin. Robbery. That's crazy. That's crazy. Alex, I wanted to take your side. I went into that thing I was going to take your side. Now you're getting sued for $32 worth of lies. That's right. Now look what happened. I need some recompense. All right. Jake, what's your stupid bit? I'm just kidding. Who's going first? Josh? All right, Josh, what is the topic that you're bringing to the table? Remember, one of you guys are going home and not coming back. Until next week. No, I swear to God. Lewis, you told me before you went on vacation, you said, the day we come back, one of them's gone. And they're both here. I feel bad, and now I'm like, oh, you didn't do anything. They're done. I'm gonna stop feeling bad. You're not gonna do it, pussy! You won't do it, pussy! Watch me. Watch me. Watch me. I'm sure you pushed out tons of time. What happened to that water bottle with the cake? Jake's licking the water bottle. Did that hit the floor? Can I lick it? Yeah, I was gonna say, this is gonna be your butt plug after we done. I'm gonna shove this up your ass. It's so much better than what we had. Eat it anally. Alex, chocolate dust. Whoever loses this is done. I talked to Joe Harari. He said whoever loses will be formally trespassed from this location. Wow. I respect that. That is simply a phone call to the police. That's it, I respect that. That is simply a phone call to the police, which are right across the street, my man. Uh, okay. So, Josh, this is it. This is for all the potatoes. All right, I mean, I always said that if Dave goes, I go. But if Jake leaves, then I guess I have to stick around longer. Ooh. He doesn't even care about the job. He's confident in this bit. He's like, but I can't leave you guys. Did he just tell me to fuck myself? He did? And what are you gonna do about it, pussy? I disagree. What the fuck does that mean? You're the guy who watched a man smash your cake and laugh at you. And then you just ate a little girl's cake to make up for it. I took one bite of the worst cake I've ever had in my entire life. It was so fucking bad. Look, he just fucking Morse code and faggot with his fucking eyelids and like, Wow. Fun Fetti cake. Oh my God. I wouldn't give that party to Trailer. Fun Fetti. I wouldn't give that cake to my worst enemy, Alex. Everyone hates your cake. That happens to be my favorite cake. Your favorite. Wow. Yeah, you need to stop doing acid, you junkie. No, no, no, no, no. You know we should try any other cake. Have you tried a different cake? Of course, an Entomans. Have you ever had another? Yeah, oh, have you ever had that powdered sugar chocolate chip loaf from Entomans? I mean, obviously, I was close to another cake, but not quite there. Chocolate chip loaf, powdered sugar on top from Entomans. You don't believe what you're saying, and it's okay. Fatting out. No, I swear to God, I swear on my son's life, I hate your cake. I hate it. It was really bad cake. It was worse than a fucking outside serious XM Churro. Alex, swear on your cake that you hate your son. I didn't hate your cake at all, Alex. I enjoyed your cake. It wasn't a superior cake, so I was a bit like, I was bummed because it wasn't. It's good cake though. If you thought you were gonna eat like the Holy Sacrament shit they put in church, and then instead they gave you that cake, you'd be like, that's better than a recipe. How do you have a Fun Fetti cake that's not sweet or fun? You guys just like sugar. You don't like actual, like the flavor of a bitch. Actual Fun Fetti? What the fuck are you talking about? Alex, I was trying to take your side, now you're insulting my palate. And Ari, that's not fair. If you ate one of those wafers, it's gonna burn your tongue. Oh yeah, dude, like when fucking Al Pacino, it touched the holy water and fucking devil's advocate. Fun Fetti is just colors. There's not even a flavor to it. It's just melted sugar. Why do you hate your children? It's so much worse watching them be mean to you when you have the cast on your arm. Alex, you don't think the world would feel that the Jay's favorite cake is superior to Alex's favorite cake? Jay's favorite cake's a bit lighter. I like Jay's favorite cake. It's probably Alex's second favorite cake. It's a pretty great cake. I liked your cake. I'm not the one insulting your cake. I wasn't talking about your palate. I wasn't talking about your palate. This is insane. You can't go one to two like that. My cake is lighter if you like the fucking frosting frosting. Your cake is light. If you like chocolate mousse, you like my cake. That's it. Chocolate mousse and Fun Fetti don't twinge. It's the yellow part sucked. You don't like Fun Fetti, that's fine. I love Fun Fetti! Don't you ever say that! I fucking love Fun Fetti! I've always loved Fun Fetti, Alex! That's fucking bullshit! Take your ass back to Fun Fetti! You're bullshit right now! That's fucking bullshit! Amateur hour, dude! Amateur fucking hour! Amateur fucking hour, bro! She's a fucking woman of the fucking... She's a woman of the 2020s, dude. So, Josh, you were saying... Josh, you're a dumb fucking bit. Josh, what you're gonna do is beat Jake. I really wish I did my sliding scale of cake. What'd you say? I really wish I did my sliding scale of cake. But I didn't, so... He did a joke. I was trying to transition into... I wish he didn't repeat it. I wish he just was like... If I would have been in your ear wig, I would have been like... It's like... I was past. You got an idea to do a joke like four minutes ago. I'd have been like, it doesn't matter. Move past it. Start from scratch. You gotta do the exact thing. Hey, Jake, tear me up with the cake again. You're very... Josh, why don't you tear me up with that piece of cake? So, Josh. So, the story that I brought to the table was... I found out about this thing that happened a couple days ago in Brooklyn. Because my wife was helping a friend out, picking up her kid from daycare. More... Hey, Paul, does he sound like 1.5 speed? We gotta give him a chair. Okay, go ahead. Long story short, my wife sat at the daycare picking up a kid. And there's a bunch of police and news reporters. And so it turns out that the director of the daycare had been stealing $3 million in tuition money from all of the kids. And this is in Park Slope. And then what she... Alright. Leave him alone, he's right here. And then what she was spending the money on was... I thought kind of funny. She spent $350 grand on WWE tickets. Wow. And then we have a picture of her. Wow, how does that break down? Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, that clocks. So this is his idea for a segment. I guess a subject for us to talk about. Alright, listen, this lady... I mean, $350,000 of how much? $2.8 million. Do we know what went to what UFC? Was it Skyboxes? What's it all about? Not UFC, wrestling. Yeah, fair. What did she spend tons of tickets? She must be in a thousand videos right behind them going, like, she should be non-stop. That's just the best seats. Yeah, I mean, $350,000 that you'd have to get the whole fan experience. You can drink triple H's come for $300,000. Yeah, absolutely. Fuck it, John Cena comes out and kisses your forehead in a picture or something. Something happens. Speak to your grandfather's language to you and says I'm sorry. Was it tickets or like fan experience? Fan experience, the full package. That's not that much then, because I think it's $90 grand to go on Cody Rhodes' tour bus at WrestleMania this year. That's a lot. For an hour. For an hour. While somebody drives you around Vegas. Dude, I better be able to burn him with a fucking blow torch for that much money. Wait, is Cody Rhodes there? Yeah, he's just... You both should with him for an hour on his bus. He's on the bus with you and I think it's, I want to say, $90 grand. Wow. Is he drinking excessively the entire time? I couldn't understand why that would be like... I should be able to play Dusty's Bones like a xylophone for $90,000. $90,000, you should get to go on the bus and go like, what's wrestling like, man? Wow. For $90,000, I should be able to torture a human being. Like tear their fingernails out. Yeah, $90,000 should be what a hostel costs. Yes. You should be able to kill a fucking traveling teenager. Yeah. Yeah, you can skull fuck Owen Hart's dead mouth. Yeah, dude, you get to fucking hostel people. Can I tell you something? I want you guys to look, I don't want to break this, because last time here, this ended up being a fantastic topic. Watching Jake go from like, topics cut no legs. And then how much he sunk down his chair as we've been fucking tearing it up on this topic. Josh, we've been tearing it up. Josh, great topic. Went off on it. Yup. Good topic. Several audible audience laughs. Wow, very good. Pull her back up again. There we go. Yeah. It's like fat me. I don't give a fuck. Got to meet the ultimate warrior before he died. Is that a DC skating mother shirt? Dude, she definitely blew at least Jake the Snake Roberts now. Bit by a snake. What's that? Who's the dude from SNL who's dressed in a fat suit for a while? Martin Short as what? Glamity Glick. Glamity Glick. You call him that guy from SNL. Hello, back up. Yeah. Glamity Glick. Oh, that's your mind. You know what? I'll be honest with you. She should just let people see her face because blocking the sun, fucking highlights. What are these shadows? And I used the term aggressively, a myriad of necks and chins. It looks like a bad AI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That looks like a bad AI. We're like, oh, they did it wrong. But we have to get Washington B.C. I'm talking. They did it wrong, no way. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Thank you for saving me on that. Absolutely. If you were gonna, if you're gonna spend $350,000 on fan experience, what would it be? What? I'll tell you what. I'll do a blow with them for sure. For sure, for sure. She spent the other two million on fucking run of the mill vehicles for black dudes. Chevy Trailblazer leased in the town. A lot of cell phone. I knew she would. I'm gonna get you like a three year old lease return. Hell yeah, thank you, baby. Yo, thank you. Yo, a lot of people won't do this for a guy. Just got out. I outblast mobile 80K. Yo, when I get a job finally, I'm gonna pay you back just a little bit at a time, baby girl. No, you won't, it's okay. Just keep fucking my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's okay. Just keep fucking pissing off my dad with every whale of my snatch. What would you, J, what would it be? Football? What was the first question? 350K for fan experiences. What sport would I do it for? Your what thing? Fan experience. Yeah, it was probably something with sports. Yeah, I mean, it seems like an inordinate amount of thing, but I mean, if I was able to go give the Sixers a good pep talk, and I'm like, guys, you fucking did it. For the last, I don't know how many years, you've had a no whites team. How are we not eight time champions? You figured it out. How do I have a city that's so racist, not have a problem with an exclusively black team? And they get black every year, god damn it. And we still haven't gotten a chip. So I probably, I probably go in there, yeah, I go in there and give the, yeah, do that. And then I do the, And you told them it's a barbecue chip. You know what's funny? When I did, this is actually pretty fucking hilarious and true. When I worked, I opened for Shane at Wells Fargo, we're now the Xfinity Mobile Center in Philly, where the Sixers and Flyers play. And we went in the, I went with you. Yeah, we went in the Sixers locker room. Do you remember this? You go in the locker rooms with us? They're fucking, it's so funny. The toilets, like the urinals are much higher. But they still go way low. So the flushing's up here, but there's just a crazy long because they're fucking enormous dicks. The shortest guy in there is like, I don't even know if she was understanding what I was saying. They have big dicks, so their toilets are, I heard big dicks when I looked at them. Their toilets are longer because of their big dicks. Giant, giant hog dicks. Do you like them? I'm just looking at you. Big dicks, miss your thoughts? I think we've done enough of Josh's something. Josh, Jay, maybe the last time you ever see Josh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, set me up again with the thing about the Sixers having big dicks. What did I say? I figured it out close enough. Because they have big dicks, miss. Really, they should be called the 7.6ers. Alright, she fair. Alright, she fair. Josh, can you do Jake working in the meantime and grab me a high noon, please? Make it two of those, I'll take a vote. Didn't the girl who ate shit from Vince McMahon like literally got shit on by Vince McMahon get a four series beamer lease? Just throwing that out there. That's about 28,000 total net cost. He was also making like 120 grand to be a paralegal. Yeah, let she or he who wouldn't get shit on for a free fucking luxury car, four series, four series luxury car, three is that bad. It's a midway car. It's a sorority girls car, which is wild. But to get a face full of 70 year old guys shit for a four series. No, no, no, it was that girl over there wouldn't do that. No, I believe from it's clean, dude. I believe it was clean. He does he clean and also better believe I do. I believe and correct me if I'm wrong. I may be wrong about this. I'm pretty sure it was a chest shit. Oh, that's not as bad. Oh yeah, or actually maybe top of her head. I thought it was top of her head, not as bad top. But all stars bad humiliating face. Yeah, but Lewis, it's pretty bad for I guess for you and Nick, it's pretty bad just to shit because it's pretty for me exact. No, no, it's way easier because they don't have hair. Then we have shit in our hair for them slides. Slides are enough for their fucking face. Zach, dude, if you hold your head back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zach, we're not always trying to be part of a side show. After someone shifts in their head, they're gonna wash off like this. No, they're gonna hold your head back. Hold back buddy back. I'm telling you, So you have shit in your hair. I understand if the shit there's no getting it out. If there's no solid to the shit or very little solid as they're shitting, it's going to me and Zach's hair is going to catch it and keep it up here. Yeah, it's going to keep it. Zach's hair is going to look better. How are you going to look better? I don't want to touch my fucking face. Oh, how are you guys going to eat all while you're coming? I don't know. I haven't even got to that part yet in my head. All right, Jake, this could be your last time on the show. It could be. All right, so I found this news article by a lady in Orlando harassing her neighbor. Oh, this was on the way here. I already love it. She's she's just a real ass bitch. Core values all the way up and down. He's pandering. He is. Okay. Wow. Hold on, it's me in a wig. Where'd you get that picture of me in a wig? Jacinto, your aunt. Does anybody in the world pull off no eyebrows? Who pulls off no eyebrows? Nobody. I'll tell you this much. That's just getting right into her face. No eyebrows. No eyebrows, go right in. At very least your eyebrows will catch a little that. Yeah, yeah. But it's gonna fit in your mustache. It's like an abrasive. I'd rather have and call me fucking weird. I'd rather have shit in my hair than mustache. Hold on. What? Wait, what? If someone shits on your head, it's going to run down your fucking face and hit your mustache. It's not running on our face or tilting back. We're actually gonna let it go. We're gonna, I minimum do this. We're not just gonna go, well, gravity says. So now we're all leaning back like we're getting shampooed. Get the fuck out of here. No, they're sitting around top of our fucking head. Shitting in your hair is a shampoo. Shampoo. Fair enough. Shampoo. Poo. Zack, Zack, Zack. Poo. Poo. They're saying poo. Great job. Poo, we love the poo-jum. I like it. Poo. Poo. I'm sorry, Jake, we completely lost. What the fuck? What was it again? Did you finish speaking about it? Yeah, yeah, it's a video. What? Two minute video. Oh, yeah. I think you guys will enjoy it. County Woman is accused of spraying swastikas on her neighbor's truck. The whole thing caught on surveillance camera. Fox 35's Matt Trezza has a look at the video. In my day, this was a good look. Me waking up at five o'clock in the morning to hear her banging on my stuffer. What? Shuffle. She broke the glass over there as well as on the front window. And sprayed the swastika all over my truck. Lake County Deputy's video shows Yamil, Lashapel, or a team of spraying making swastikas onto her neighbor, Matthew Roberts. His pickup is a shot. You got a block baby jammed from coming in the driveway. He's out door lights, a house window, and his surveillance camera. I'm pretty sure this approach that he took to me was because of my scindillic. She would have done that before. She's with the other stuff. Why? Comments that me calling me black monkey. Go back to my third world country. She called him a black monkey. She said numerous things and called and telling me I'm a human trafficker. Wait a second. I like the way he said he goes, I think the reason this is motivating is because it color my skin because she called me black monkey. It's like, yeah, I mean, yes. It's not probably. Why is he dressed like he's running a boat at Disneyland? Now, I'm one of Minnie Mouse's background dancers for when she sings hopelessly devoted to you. Abuse before. Go, Michael, go, take that, you're a monkey. Wow. Deputy say after arresting Ortiz for the damage. Hold on. Pause for a second. I'm honestly, she looks like a monkey. She does. No, dude, she's hot, dude. I can fix her. That's my girl, doggy. First things first. She's his eyebrows back. She looks like Bill Hartman as the Frankenstein guy. Yeah, she looks like the Geico caveman. Oh, yeah. No, she's the unfrozing caveman. You know, she's the unfrozing caveman. She needs one night at the Capitol Grill. She'll be ready to go. She's back. Unfrozing caveman lawyer. Please don't look at this picture yet. Please do not remove this. Didn't Gus slip her throat in the underground meth lab? Now, I'm just a cave, man. Bill Hartman. Unfrozen caveman lawyer. She looks just like. I'm just, guys, I'm just a simple caveman. Unfrozen your time. I don't know how your laws work. All right, guys, well, good bit. Thanks. There we go. Oh. Your honor, in my time, there were little monkeys. I was accused. I'm just a simple caveman. I'm just a caveman. I don't understand how things have changed. I thought we were still back in the early 30s. It said, rape her, shaved her head, and killed her baby. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're going back a few seconds. You think it's core values? Deputy say after arresting Ortiz for the damage, she claimed Roberts had raped her, shaved her head, and killed her baby. Oh, Roberts killed her baby. All of which the arresting deputy said were not true. The sheriff's office is charging her with hate crimes. Ortiz was booked into the Lake County jail. Deputy say the hate crime enhancement may mean she faces harsher penalties. Can I say something? Paul, just a second again. Just a little bit. Every Lake County is full of pieces of shit. There's Lake County in so many places, and it's always the place where like, dude, Lake County, those fucking hillbillies. It doesn't matter what state you're in. It's Lake people. It's people who would rather be on a pontooner or on a fucking lake than the ocean. Yeah, love pontooning. Louis and the types. Louis and the like. We're going to go pontooncast soon. Really? Yeah, yeah. Dude, if it's a tuner, I'm in. On a pontoon, dude. A tuner and nooner? You're not getting any better. Pull that back up. So she was calling me a monkey. Now, I show up. I'm the police. She asked me when they started hiding monkeys at the police department. I said eight years ago, when they learned how to talk in directions and give fucking sign language and shit. And then I realized she was talking about me. I said, bitch. So then I went back to playing my symbols. So I said, I got to get out of here, go home, play my motherfucking trumbo. I got to get this fucking evil out of me in the gesture of bone when I went, where's my mute? Bitch, where's my mute? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you bitch. I'm worked up. Motherfucker, call me monkey. Jake, you're lucky, Jay. So funny. Fuck. OK, can I pause right here? Two good topics. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad so far. Both of us going. Let's see. We tried to fight each of them, too. And it led us to a great place. Both of us good. We're that good. Yeah, I'd like to apologize to both of you guys. Her attitude is going into it. Which will take it up a degree on the felony charge. It's not it's not something that should be taken lightly. Ortiz is facing charges of criminal mischief. And a resistance to the arrest of deputies. Of Lake County. This is an air conditioning tech. Did the right thing giving them a call. I love how this guy's like, guys, this is kind of an obvious one. I know for my skin color. It's hurtful because I spend literally half of every single day of my life helping people. Deputy CRTs caused about $7,000 worth of damage Robert's house and car in Claremont. Matt Trezza, Fox 35 News. All right. He's a goodie. Wow. When was this, Jake? What was this? This Claremont. Is that the old story from like three years ago? Yeah. I'm going to fist fight you. No, it's all right. It's new. It's new to us. Where's Claremont, California? By the way, how much of a stinker is G Mike right behind him? He goes, it's three years. Exactly three years ago. That's ridiculous. Your exact bar you set for it not to be acceptable. Yes. What are the odds of that? Yeah, but that wasn't a faux pas back then. Times have changed. Jake's show. Three years ago, this isn't even a story. It's how it didn't get in our radar. Three years ago, first story. She's out. Jake, show us how you would spray paint a swastika. Come on. You're good at it. You got to one. All right. You go outside, you spray paint a swastika on the front doors of the stand, or we bare spray you. Yeah. You got to pick one. Or you got to draw one on that skinny girl's face over there. Go outside and bare spray somebody in the shape of a swastika. And then you work here for two more months. Well, I mean, one's got to go. Ari, what are you thinking? That's tough. It was a three year old thing. What are we going better on? I feel like that made me laugh harder. The Jake segment. Yeah. But three years old. I really did go to work on that. Yeah. My mind keeps watering to this fucking mid level cake. Right? Yeah, I know. Do you think that her daughter's going to like resent her later on in life? She's going to like. I think she's doing the right thing. I think she's telling her daughter that there is no thing to aim for. I guess we are. Oh, is it my birthday? I guess we're having my mom's OK cake again. You finished your. What flavor? Plain. You you licked. I want another piece. That is a problem beyond what's happening here. They're high. It's not as epic. You should have wanted four more. Yeah, be there. They were very thin slices of cake and everyone's very high. So I ate two candles. I'm so hungry. Shitty cake. Here's the thing. I'll say something very pretty profound right now. Shitty cake is better than no cake. Who's that? No cake. You weren't molested asshole. This guy was molested. He gets cake. He gets cake is molested. You got to make it up for him. We got to take everybody with this guy. Yeah, we're trying to train this guy that every time he has cake, he doesn't have to suck a guy's dick. Retrain him. We're retraining it. Cake doesn't always equal. We're trying to re-evaluate people, Jay. Hey, audience out there hates us. We're just trying to rehab people. We're just trying to rehab people. This guy's the only thought of sucking dudes off every time there's cake. And now, through the help of a reach out program called Legion of Skanks, we've helped him appreciate cake without sucking dicks. All right, Zach, if you've got to fire one of these guys right now and we do, one of them is going. I'm sick of it. One of them gets us drinks. And it's Jake. Yeah, but it based off of the bit. Fuck that. I care about who gets us drinks. Fair, fair. And he's been sitting the whole time. Let me just say this as well. I mean, anyone who we tell to get us the drinks will get us the drinks. Yeah, but he's eager. Josh wants to hang out in the cut and fucking watch the show. And I like Josh. I hung out with Josh on Friday. We had a very nice night. Annie told me about moving to Switzerland way before you. Wow. Well, you were just talking about Swiss cheese. That was pillow talk. I'm talking about chocolate. Josh was going anyway. I feel so bad. But Jake's such a retard. Sure, sure. No hard feelings. Josh's since you're leaving anyway. I have to give it to Jake, but it's not personal. Thanks very nice. Can I butt in here? Please, all right. Before the show started, we all met in the green room back there, and Zach said, I'm going to take something out on Josh. It is personal. When you see it, you'll know. That was probably it. That might be it. Now that I'm remembering that, that might be what you were talking about. Oh, yeah, that was weird. Nick? Well, Josh called my wife a fat pig at Skankfest. I showed him one picture of my family. He said, your daughter's a little fucking retard. She's six years old, and she's not retarded. He's a fucking guest, Josh. He said Alex is fucking butt ugly, and everybody who works for gas digital is a total faggot. These are all rule. This is what he just told me straight up. The first five minutes, I met him. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. So he gets your vote. He said he could fuck Lewis up literally any day while he's drunk, blindfolded. Lewis, your practice up on your ability. He does train, though. He does train. I don't know why you're sticking up for him, Jay. He said the worst thing. He's like, Jay's a fucking cutter pussy. No. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, he's like, he's a steamboat. Why is he that up here? Yeah, he's a little. No, we're in long sleeves. I know. He's like, I've changed his shirt for him one time. Wow. He's got cuts on his thighs. He knows you're cutting as a seeker. He's a big fat. Oh, is that what he meant by I hope that he knocks over the cake? Then, I didn't want to get into it. He spray painted a swastika on Ari's car while he was inside early. Yeah. He's outside. We did choreograph that Jake would bring the cake, lay it on the table, Lewis pulls out the candles, and then Josh was supposed to take the cake away. And mysteriously, he didn't, tempting Ari to do what he had to do. I had to do it. He had to. Oh, you were just following orders. Likely story. Likely story. So you want Josh to stay or go? Well, yeah, I mean, yeah. I called my wife a fat pig, which she is, but still, that's not right. That's not right. It's not right. I don't appreciate that. That's my thing. So Josh is gone. Yeah, he's gone. Yeah, he's gone. You got to get out of here. We're going to do the Ari. Ari, she feared, been here, you know, longest, longest running trio in podcasting, the three of us. Three for life. Three for life. Hell yeah. Three for life. Three for life. Same time, guys. Ready? One, two, three. Three for life. Nice. We got it. We got it. We got it. All right, what do you think? Well, I got to be honest. Both of those were really good topics. So David excelled far past what we expected of them. We went into it looking to hate it, and then it got us really talking a lot. Great. You guys come for fucking the banter. It brought the banter. So good job to both. We definitely talked more with Jakes. Yet it'd be interesting to lose two interns at once. So I mean, unfortunately, I got to say, Jakes should go. Jakes should go. Yeah, it's. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. I appreciate the chance. No, no, no, because they said that Josh should go. He said that Jake should go. So right now it's the one. It definitely matters. Wait, could you not add two to one? So it's my vote. Well, it's mine or yours. I'll go. Please. Where are we at right now? Two to one. You're all scammed. Two people say Josh should go for personal reasons. For the value of making it completely interesting. And because I couldn't really appreciate his as much as I could the other guys because I was the one bringing the heat on that one. For that reason, and to keep it mega interesting. No, no, no. Jake. Jake is going to go. Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. The trail. Wait, wait, wait. So this is two to we needed a third or fifth person to. And the New York State police are upstairs ready to haul out anybody who's by their ankle. You guys both stand behind Lewis, please. Yeah, yeah, let's see. Wow. I guess somebody behind me. Hey, can you guys? Oh man. Can you guys both? Can you guys both like kind of like get low? Yeah. Get low. I'm like, what a plug for you. I like the fact that they have to both squat like they're like fucking. This is crazy. His butt. Yo. Yeah, hell yeah. Fucking Jake don't get on these for nobody. So this might be the last chance I could ever ever say this. You like mummified Richard Ramirez. Yeah. That's good. I've been looking for the I've been looking for the words. That was them. That was it. That was it. You found them. He got left by a heater. He's been. Wait, whoa, whoa. So this is who goes right now. This is who goes right now. So they won't be here next week. They will not be here next week. They will be here in 10 minutes. I think I'm going to go now. If I were them, I wouldn't help clean up. That'd be that. If they're gone. Yeah. So, Jake's been here for a long time. Yeah. He's never showed any inkling of an interest in learning anything else. You've given him opportunity after opportunity. I think stand behind us guys. We should see what we're talking. They might go right now. Yeah, you could have a split screen. It doesn't matter. Yes, whatever the producers want to do. Yeah, but they choose something. There you go. Yes. Jake has never learned anything in the how long have you been here, Jake? I don't know, three years maybe? Three years. The fuck you holding my chair for you, weirdo? What's he going to do to my chair? Don't say anything else. What's he holding my chair for? It's weird. I don't know what you're going to do with my chair. I would describe Jake as the fun, fettie cake of podcasting interns. Wow. Wow. Land. Land and too expensive and you work for free. Josh, you show up every week. You're at the production meetings every week. You never have any good ideas. Come on. Every time you try to make an idea, it makes me furious. Come on. I see my face and I'm like, oh, Josh, it's never been a good idea. Not once. You have no future in production. Even though you do try, which I do appreciate somebody trying. He does try. Here's what I'll say. Josh is leaving. Jake, she hadn't been gone a long time ago. I want to clean house. What? Jake's gone. Josh is gone in a month. We have a new spring turn Olympics coming up. Your opportunity. Your opportunity to work on the Legion of Skanks podcast. It's coming up. We need somebody. Very, very soon. New spring turn Olympics. Where's our song? Spring turn. We need somebody bad. Apply guys. Apply. Hang on. They're going to get. Apply. Bring that fucking sound effect. Apply right now. Bring that sound effect. New spring turn. The spin turn. is coming to you so soon. is coming to you so soon. And that means it's time for a sound effect. Turn. Ooh. And that is. Stop that one. Time for. minimizing. minimizing. Sound effect. minimizing. minimizing. minimizing. is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is Every year from assholes. Let's try it again, we're fucking out. Spring, turn Olympics, spring, turn Olympics, spring, turn Olympics. It's the spring. It's the spring, turn Olympics. We love the spring, turn Olympics, spring, turn Olympics. Now it's the spring. It is the spring, turn Olympics. It is the spring, turn Olympics, spring, turn Olympics. Now it's the spring, turn Olympics, spring, turn Olympics. All right. Yay. Yay. We're going to, by next week, we're going to have an entry for people to join. Jake, we love you. You're a friend. That sucked. But he's getting free pizza now. Look, he's really taking advantage. Oh, that's the cigarette. We love you. Jake, it was three years. Oh, God, he's starting to smoke cigarettes. He's so bummed out. Wait, that didn't even come up today. That was just, they came in both thinking they were going to be here next week. And it just came up and one is executed. And Jake for sure thought once the other guy said he was leaving, we would just do a little game to make it funny and play along until ultimately Josh was gone. We're like, I guess we're stuck with Jake again. He won the last spring, turn Olympics. Josh, you got to stay longer. He won two spring, turn Olympics. It's great. It's going to be five Seraphinas instead. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yes. Now that Dave's gone, it's just going to be a fucking hot chick pageant. All right, we're going to say whoever can use the space ball with the clip the best. All right, whoever squirts the fur, this moves on to the next round. All right, the next producer is whoever can get this highest notch on this Wiffle ball bat. OK, now it's time for the spit in Big J's mouth competition. Come on, girls. Big J's over here. He's a pelican waiting for that fucking sick spit. Then if Jake's just smoking inside, he gave him a fucking kick me out. I'll never be back again. That's hilarious. Jake, everybody's fired. Great. Everybody have that for our amazing guy, Zach Amiko and Nick Rocha Fort. For the Legion of Skanks, we'll catch you later this week. Hold on, hold on, hold on, everybody. I just want you to know that this show is supposed to end at 10 o'clock and it is now 1024. And that is for one reason only, Ari. Classic Ari. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us. We'll catch you later this week on the Friday Hang. Until then, peace. You've been listening to the Legion of Skanks podcast with Big J Occherson. Did you suck it? I think I would instinctually suck it. Thick with three Cs. He wants me fucking over, Lewis. Lewis Gomez. Lewis J Gomez, your mother's doctor. Lewis J Gomez. You're trying to watch a retard draw Swastika. It's hilarious. I'm sort of known as a point guard of podcasting. Being a fat gay guy is so fucking awesome. And comedian Ari Shafir. The Legion of Skanks podcast.