News Flash!

This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. If you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, madding future Mark hates dicks, digs K-pop, trips balls, and plays Whose Line Is It Anyway? Weepy Wade tricks himself into tears, does his duty by his fluffies, assists in an orgy, and with a billionaire. Bearmouth Bob struggles with understandable strain, and gets a dirty noseful. From format genius to mushroom messiahs. Yes, it's time for News Flash. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hi and welcome back to Distractable. My name is Mark Ipplier, and I'm here hosting this episode because I won last time. And if you don't know how that thing works, it's because that's the entire thing of the game. And I know there's probably one person that has been listening to this and or watching this the entire... Probably listening to this, let's be honest. Let's be honest with ourselves. It's probably one of the listeners who has been looking at this, slack jaw, drool dripping out of the mouth, not understanding the concept of how this show works. The only reason that our longevity is still longevity-tizing is because we were geniuses when we made this podcast And we set out to make a formula that could be repeated ad infinitum Even if we repeat the same episodes over and over again and that everyone could find entertainment value in every single moment It doesn't matter if they have eyes or ears or none of the above They'll love this podcast and so will you And so you will And so you do Oh look it's one of the guys joining today Oh, a fresh, beautiful face. I just come falling in from the top of the screen. Yeah, the editors will make that happen. This is Bob. Bob stands at a lovely six foot four and a half. He's got a smile for days. He's a glasses man. Purple is his entire personality. It's Bob. That's me. I wish I could be more purple. This is as purple as it gets. Ignore all the stuff behind me that's not purple or that doesn't sound purple. Editors put in the sound of burple Oh Yeah, wow And Wade, the human equivalent Of a mushroom, always in the same Place, persevering through death Despair, anything, you'll always find Fungi, where this guy is Cause he's such a fun guy Wade Hey Mark, phoning it in from Ohio today It's funny every time You too, weirdly you get a segway point i don't know how you managed to get the segway point this early i don't either i don't know what i just part jesus christ that's really you've you are weirdly six cents about the the topic and uh getting that i think anyway we got a fun episode for you today in that it is a new one and i have no idea if it's gonna work or not so whether it's fun or not is entirely dependent on future me and that's not me right now so i'm not responsible for that guy's actions that guy's a dick and and frankly i don't like him so if anything happens with future mark that you know screaming obscenities a lot of racial slurs could happen that guy not me right now just gotta say that out there i don't like from my perspective when you were pointing him back at future mark it looked like you were pointing at me yes you are secretly future mark hey man things get tough Things really go crazy, man. You would not believe. Really thought Iron Lung 2 was a good idea. Mark, don't do it. Okay. Turns out nobody wants to see an ocean of hair. We ran out, so I had to donate my own. It didn't come back. Ew, an ocean of hair. Don't worry. I pulled so much out. There was still a lot of blood. Yeah, I don't know why ocean of hair is more disgusting than an ocean of blood it is isn't it i think somehow it's it's even past like an ocean of piss or something like that or an ocean of poo ocean of hair that really sounds unpleasant well think about how it feels you know that like it's maybe not every time but when you get that surprise single hair in your mouth and you're like oh that's one hair an ocean of that just constant misery just yeah no thank you for that i chapsticked before shaving my beard and all the little tiny hairs got caught in the chapstick and then like i ate something later and like licked my lip and just all of that hair that up on my tongue and it was like 20 minutes of misery trying to remove it god that's so gross why would you even say that out loud i don't know i was trying to be hashtag relatable how dare you manifest that into existence by making it happen physically not manifesting it at all it was in my mouth you know i i lived it yeah and i hate it At least it was my own hair Yeah well if it's an ocean of it I doubt it's going to be in all your hair I don't have much to grow Unless you used to have the densest hair in the world I did I had really thick hair when I was young It's like a cattail you know When you see the video the person biting into a cattail And yeah and they go Don't bite into my bald You won't find the What? My bald Don't bite into my balls either I'll pass on both thank you Spent a little bit since we last chatted almost exactly a week like it almost always is So what's new with you guys lives? I have weird small talk this week, so I can go first and get out of the way And maybe it's not weird. Maybe i'm undercutting myself, but I had a moment earlier today, I guess And I don't know if you guys get this but it's been a tough time Like generally like emotionally james is a toddler and he's been having struggling with tantrums and like pretty normal toddler stuff It's been harder than I have expected to deal with on my end. And I think it stems from I feel very protective of Mandy. And so when James takes things out on Mandy, that's pretty normal. That's his mom like that. But goes from like, oh, he's a toddler. Like he's a toddler. He's having a hard time to like, don't fucking mess with Mandy. Right. Like something triggers in the back of my mind that's very confusing because I'm protective of both of them. but I was protective of Mandy first anyway I've been struggling with like that right trying to process stuff kind of confusing stuff and I don't know why but today I was driving and system of a down came on I didn't like choose to play it just came up in a random thing and like I don't even remember I think it was lost in Hollywood from mesmerize I don't know it's a random song that I used to love when I was younger and haven't listened to in forever and it came on and like just triggered an instant emotional release for me like literally it came on and it was just like system of a down and it started started singing and i was just like oh and something opened and i'd like teared up and just it's just like a weird thing and it struck me like i get that sometimes i've had that there was a point in law school where it was really fucking miserable and i was thinking about quitting and I hated everything. And then on my drive home from school, occasionally like a song would come on from like high school or from before. And I would just like have a huge release, figure something out, process something. And it just made me curious if that's like a me specific thing or if you guys have ever experienced stuff like that. Because it just, I forget, right? I love music and I'll just forget. And I'll be in the middle of something where I'm like having a bad time or i'm really angry about and then if i just chose to turn on music it would probably help but i like you forget about everything else when you're wrapped up in you know your own stuff sometimes it's like magic like it just like poofed and i felt so much better from one song in the car on the on the radio randomly and i thought that was crazy but do you guys get that i do um i'll wait unless you want to jump in on the discussion but i think that there's something interesting here. I mean, I've got stuff to add, but if you want to go first, you can. I mean, you're a host, man. I don't know why I said that so weird and somberly. Like, this is a sacred topic. I don't know. No, it's weird because I don't listen to music on the regular, right? I don't listen in a car. I don't do anything. But there are certain times when I realize the power that music has. Because I like music. People probably hear that I don't listen to music in the car and think that I don't like it. I know I like it. I just never. It's not in my DNA to go seek out music or listen to it casually. But when K-pop Demon Hunters came out, I was like in the middle of one of the many final stretches of Iron Lung. And it wasn't Golden, the song that everyone was listening to. It was like the last song of the like, this is what it sounds like. I would listen to that on the drive to go work on the movie. And I'd just be like, I can do this. I can do this. and it's weird it like gets me hyped up more than anything i don't even know why but it's just it just it just hits something right it just hits something and i i believe there is a real tangible thing and and music in in human history has been very much about that that's why i think you have drummers going into war you know i love war that's my favorite war drums love that diddy all right wait help me first of all the one the song you just mentioned from k-pop demon hunters is also the one that stuck out to me the most when i watched it golden's good don't get me wrong they're all bangers but that one also is the one that got me i go through like phases of just wanting to get the tears rolling so i'll seek out stuff like i'll watch people react to like um james blunt like his song monsters like i'll watch people react that i've never singing i'm like yes here we go pain and i don't know why i do that but like i'll occasionally be like oh man i just you know what i need to watch soldiers coming home videos people reuniting with their pets videos like i need that today and i'll sit here for like two hours just like yes drain my eye fluids why i do that and i like movies with like somewhat predictable cheesy like emotional endings sometimes it's like oh yes i'm getting the feels out i don't know why because like typically I'm pretty like held together, whatever. I don't cry a lot publicly or anything, but sometimes when I'm by myself, I'm just like, you know what? I want to laugh for a bit and then I want to cry my fucking eyes out and I don't know why. So give me that emotional song. Let me watch those emotional videos. Let me just feel, let me get the feels. I think we need it. I think humans need it. It's in, in today's society, we're very, well, a lot of us comfortable, you know, with air conditioning and usually there's, there's obviously starvation and there's, there's famine out there in the world. But for the most part, you know, people that have the opportunity to get bored are bored because a lot of our needs are basic, basic needs are met. And so this kind of it turns from being comfortable to being just in a very middle non dynamic state. And your average can be average because you're sitting in at literally at number five out of 10, or your average can be average because you're swinging from zero to 10. So often, just like iron lung you know it's not average there's zeros and tens you know it's really really spread but the average geo gets down it's it's dynamic i think that we as as he was just need that experience and sometimes art and um music and movies can have that kind of cathartic balance or bring a little bit of it we're meant to suffer why are we still here watch puppies reunite with their owners man it's so cute you're right you're so right other small talk if i randomly look like i just got punched in the nuts it's because i fucked my neck up real good we took james to a trampoline park and i did not jump on the trampolines but i had to walk around on them and at some point i did the classic almost fall down give myself whiplash and i just my neck is just great it feels really good so i'm fine but if i didn't point out i'm just like normie I'm fine just old it's out of shape it's all good uh I don't remember much about the past week not gonna lie because uh last night was a really rough night of sleep dogs and cat went to the vet yesterday so we had to drop the dogs off at like 7 a.m which for me is like 2 30 in the morning for normal people I actually passed out got like four hours of sleep took the dogs in came back tried to sleep a little bit then we had to take the cat in later because he can't go under anesthesia after he had the near-death experience a couple years ago then we were at the vet for like an hour while they examined heaters. And we got all the animals, came home, and Presley and Ginger had to be put under for dental cleanings. And they were still kind of out of it when we got home. Presley got sick a couple of times. And he just kind of kept throughout the night, like, looking at us and whining a little bit. And that persisted throughout the night. We went to bed at, like, 1 or 2 last night, which for us was pretty good. But every couple of hours, I woke up to Presley whining, and I would try to comfort him. And then 7, 8 o'clock this morning, I was like, I give up. I'm just going to go downstairs and sit with you guys and I don know And then Preston was like ah father you awake Now I will sleep peacefully next to you on the couch Yeah well he was real tired after a long night you know yeah I didn get a lot of sleep and it wasn really good sleep but uh we were worried about the babies and Molly with them now one of us is probably not streaming tonight because of uh just wanting to be there make sure they're all right just I don't know for whatever reason anesthesia does not sit well with Presley not like heaters did but like he usually takes a day or two to be back to his old self after he gets put under anyway that's all I know I don't remember what happened prior to that I think I've been playing a lot of Pokemon. I'll call them fan games. What does that mean? He means porns. Oh! Well, no. The term RobHack sounds illegal. Uh-huh. It might be illegal. So is it illegal or not illegal? No. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Okay. Only one of the three of us has a video about passing or smashing all the Pokemon, and it's not me. Who is it then? We'll never know. I would never point the finger at our host and I won't do it now. Okay. All right. Well, you point one forward and you got three pointing back at yourself. So... They're pointing straight up, idiot! You got them there! Oh, man. See, the trick is you gotta shove your end and point all four fingers out. You gotta point aggressively. You gotta point like Palpatine. It was you that wanted to smash the Pokemon. Bring me the God of War. Unlimited Pokemon. Nobody likes Garbador except me. Now, you're probably wondering why Wade got the segue point. I remember what I said back then, so yeah, I sure am. It's going to earn him the privilege of going first in this lovely competition. Now, this is going to take a little explaining. I know the last time I tried to explain a game, people at home, mostly the listeners, were like, brains just exploding. Comprehension plummeted. Test scores took a nosedive. You know, it'll be simple. We're doing News Flash. Like, no, get porn off your brain, man. It's like the Who's Line game, News Flash. So what I have collected are various news stories, real news stories that have occurred over the past month or so. Some stretching a bit farther back in time, but for the most part, it's relatively topical news stories. When one of you is going, you will be the man out in the field with your microphone and listening in closely. That person will have to, by the honor system, minimize their riverside so that they can't see us. And they will just be blind out in the field because I'm going to share with the other person, in this case Bob, what the article is. So Bob and I will both be asking the man in the field questions about the news story that the editors will put behind him. So I'll link the articles to the editor so there'll be pictures, maybe video if we can find some royalty free video to make it make sense. And we will be asking the host out in the field or the person out in the field, the reporter questions, and they have to guess what the news article is. It could be the title of the news article. It could be the general concept of what is happening behind him. Make sense? Okay, I've not seen this game in like 20 years, but you know what? I remember it and I'm sure I will be fine. Seeing the actual game on the show I don't think helps in any way as long as you understand the premise. Well, it kind of like gives you an idea of what questions to ask or how to answer them to get clues. So I don't remember any of that. I will judge this in a kind of similar way to the drawing one where there will be I'll give points based on how well your questions are helping the person. And obviously, I'm part of that. But my questions will not have any factor in on the person other person scores. I'm just there to give you the other person time to think so that they don't have to constantly barrage. and in the and how it worked on the show whose line is two people were asking one person on the field wade in this case you would be colin mockery because they almost always had him on the on the field did anyone else ever go into the field i think maybe ryan did once but it was like colin was clearly the person to do that yeah what else do colin and i have in common being short oh okay i thought you're gonna say bald so when wade you can respond however you want but just pay attention to the questions being asked and start to formulate in your head. Do I need my green screen up? So the editors can clearly put this whole news story right behind me. I mean, it would help. Yeah, actually, that would be helpful. You got this news story video, right? Bob is benefited because his background actually is mostly purple, which does help give a distinct color to key it out. No, actually, this is great. Okay, perfect. And then also for the listeners at home, you'll get a text to speech of what the title of the article is. and that way you can know what's going on beforehand. So the audience at home, you'll know what the article is and the editors will be also tasked with playing sound effects that are happening behind. And just getting a general scene so that everyone is part of this. You said this is going to take a lot of imagination and work on our parts. I think this maybe takes more work on the editor's parts. It might. It's all hands. Don't worry, we just need this ready by tomorrow. Yep, don't worry. Chip, chop, chip. Let's get this together now. All right, so go ahead and minimize your screen, Wade. Fine. All right, so I'll do you a favor. I'll ask the first question because I know what these are. I'll ask the first question on all these. All right, is everybody ready? Any questions before we get started? I think we're good. I'm good. I should have had music queued up for this for news music. But editors, I'm going to put it all on you. Cortina condom shortage Astelites were given 10,000 free condoms And they disappeared in three days Good evening ladies and gentlemen And welcome to the nightly news I'm your host, Dixum Smashum And I'm joined by my co-host, Bob I'm your co-host, Reed Fanus We have a breaking news story We have our man out in the field, Wade He is in the midst of the action Wade, can you hear us? Yes, yes I do It's a bit crazy out here so I've got headphones on To make sure I can pick you up Yeah, yeah, even through the headphones I can hear it all happening Wade, have you ever known An event like this to happen so quickly? No, no Bob It started off real calm If you can believe it looking around It started off very calm But as the day has gone on Well you can see Do you think the cold has anything to do with it? Oh, that's a good possibility I mean, temperatures have been going up and down, as you know. Things have been crazy around here. It's been zero degrees, been 70 degrees. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Yeah. Indeed. Wade, a skier was quoted as saying, they promised us more will arrive, but who knows when? Do you have any idea when those are going to show up? No, I've been trying to get an update, but based on the chaos around me, it's been hard to really get anyone's attention. Everyone's been kind of focused on the events going on. Yeah, I'm sure. Which events would that be? Well, you know, I would tell you more, but I think your eyes can tell you pretty much. Based on the events happening, you know, we've been on the hills over here. We've been on the plains over here. A lot of pushing and shoving. Oh my gosh, there's so much pushing and so much shoving, I bet. Yeah, I think I would define this event maybe as a mixed singles type thing. But wait, you know, this actually started originally in 1988 in Seoul. Can you remember a crazier year than this one? Or maybe a specific city that this happened in that sticks out to you? Well, every four years, it seems to get crazier and crazier. But I won't forget Atlanta. What was that? 2000 Atlanta? That one was pretty wild, but the weather was a lot calmer that year. Well, as you know, the previous record is 300,000. Do you think that it's going to break the record this year? Well, every year people train harder and harder and we see records broken all the time. You've seen some records broken. You've seen it. You've been in there. Well, in order to do my job to the fullest, yes, I've had to dive straight in. So you're saying you contributed to this, actually. How many would you say you contributed? Well, just because I'm hands-on reporting doesn't mean I'm too hands-on. Go on. For the sake of my job, I'm not sure I should. I'd like a number. I feel like you could guesstimate a number. 17. Wow. That really is impressive. If there was a chart for who was leading this, you must be competitive at the very least. Yeah, did you manage, while you were in there In the midst of the action Did you manage to get any quotes from anybody? I can see, you know There's not many people that seem to be conscious at this moment But, you know, maybe Before the exhaustion set in They said something to you Oh, a lot of oohs and ahs How many? 34 Exactly double your number, interesting That's fascinating Not that I'm counting Clearly not This was actually banned in, uh, in, in, uh, watch out! Yeah, no, look, there's definitely gonna be video of this on the screen behind you there, don't worry about it. This is actually banned in Beijing. Do you think part of this, uh, the speed with which it happened this time around has anything to do with the ban for the previous, uh, games? I think that they have tried their best to keep things under control, but, I mean, whenever you've got people working out so much and testosterone and estrogen flowing everywhere, things are going to get crazy fast. All right, Wade, do you have a guess for the article and where you are? Am I in the midst of a bunch of Olympic athletes having sex without condoms? That is pretty close. I would say that's really, really close. If you had to guess the title of the article, I saw something about there being a condom shortage or within like some... Yeah, that's it. That's it. Cortina condom shortage. athletes were given 10,000 free condoms. They disappeared in three days. I'd say that's full points for both of you. That was well done across the board. I got to the Olympics pretty quick. I was like, oh man, I don't know the different Olympic events. Then the context clues of what was going on started to come in. So I just want one big mosaic blurb. 17 and 34. I don't know how I feel about that. So we don't really have to minimize. I mean, I guess I will. Yeah, no, no, Not necessarily. Should I leave that? I don't know if it's easier to leave that up or bring it up and down for this. I don't know. Oh, bring it up and down. Come on. All right. There's you go. Easy. I was trying to find another like event based one to get it similar, but I don't think that these are going to kind of be random, you know, new since these are real news stories. It's kind of just a little difficult, but this one actually might be tough, but I think we're just going to go with it. So wait, I'm going to send you. Okay. I know, right? That's a weird one. Ready, everybody? Mm-hmm. All right, cue the music! How much cocaine is in Nantucket sewage? A lot. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sir Sniffs-A-Lot, and I'm here to report you on some breaking news. I'm also joined by my co-host, Inda. How's the night? And we have our award-winning, Pulitzer Prize-winning, and also whatever the journalism one is, reporter out in the field whose name escapes me terry porter terry terry terry terry terry i i gotta ask you know just because i feel like there's some legal ramifications for it you haven't compromised yourself have you no no i learned those lessons in journalism school never compromise my ethics never compromise my sources never compromise myself I'm just out here reporting on, you know, facts I got a follow-up here Do we know exactly how much ended up there? Scientists are saying anywhere between 10 and 10 million My sense is it's kind of a lot Yeah, do you think you're at risk, though? The reason I ask is because obviously you're knee-deep in it right now And given what we know about the circumstances, I just fear for you I fear for you Yeah, I feel okay right now they did tell me to bring uh you know knee-high boots which i did if it gets any higher i'm not covered i don't think my genes are going to do very much i think if the level goes any higher i'm going to be in a little bit of trouble but it seems to be settling seems to calm me down i think i think we're going to be at the peak we're at the zenith right now i think i'm okay oh zenith good word that's why you won the pulitzer man and that other one uh i'm assuming a lot of police involvement maybe fbi involvement in this oh sure sure yeah though they called everyone the paramedics are standing by thick animal control is out here uh just to help manage any any you know strays that come up it's tough for everyone to get around so they kind of all pick their spots and we're all just sitting still till the level goes back down or it starts to get cleared out but uh everyone everyone's here strays you say strays you're saying that the local wildlife is getting into the supply and I've heard reports that crocodiles were emerging rather more active than usual is that something you seeing Yes yes I seen that a little bit I heard reports It not just crocodiles Any ground sort of animals definitely getting flushed out And then, you know, once they're out and about, they're sort of joining in. It's an attractive supply. I think it's really, once they realize what's happening, they can't keep their mouths off of it. Do animals with a stronger sense of smell seem more affected? No. No, not really. they're all pretty equally excited about just eating as much as they possibly can i don't have a great sense of smell so uh maybe i'm just not noticing maybe maybe that's why they sent me for our listeners at home listeners at home can you give a 360 spin and just kind of give a general lay of the land maybe maybe just give some description of what's going on so right here where i am you could see it's pretty static i'm almost on kind of like an island if you look up here you can see there's a lot of movement there's a lot of downhill movement it's it's sort of a flow when you look over here you can see the authorities attempted to erect a barrier and it's really start it's starting to crest the barrier they were thinking a double high wall would be enough to retain but i think you could tell that uh convoy of uh police cars is pretty eminent danger right now being overrun uh our sponsor over at grinder uh sent over a question they wanted to know if women's restrooms were being focused on a bit more to make sure that women were being careful when powdering their noses? Well, I think we all know the men's restrooms are the ones that really get dirty. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or if it's, but men don't take care of our spaces. You know, we do what we gotta do and we leave it how we leave it. I think the women are just so much more respectful in general that theirs are sort of normal. There's nothing that crazy. It's like a different world. For the women's restrooms. I can tell you that. Well, it's just such a fascinating story because everyone's asking, how did that much get in there? How? It's so far above the national average. It's about four to five times the national average. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to open the day with the spiciest chili contest, but I'm going to guess that that has something to do with it. Do they suspect any kind of cartel involvement? Not that I've heard. It's really hard to hear over the smell, if you know what I mean. None of the authorities have officially pointed in that direction. It could be out of fear. Can't rule that out. But right now, no, this is really more of a grassroots type of origination. Now, we've heard rumors here in the studio that other up-and-coming low-life members of society have taken to repackaging what they have been able to scavenge from the outskirts of the overflow. And they have been selling it on the streets. I think they've been calling it the brown, but, you know, they want to put it out there, you know, try to make a buck. Is that what you're seeing, too, or is this just internet rumors? It's a little bit of rumors. I think maybe blowing it out of proportion. There definitely are some people who are leveraging the chili cook-off and the future chili-themed events that are scheduled and trying to sort of, you know, make it seem like they're part of that. You know, they're selling the brown and it's related to the event. You know, it's not very much different from bootleg merchandise outside of concerts or sporting events. But I don't think that's any more prominent than you'd see in any other big sort of event. You know? Oh, I got I. Sorry. Just correct. Just self-correction. Like I said, the brown I misread it. That the street name is the is brown sugar. It's I'm sorry. That's just a small correction. Yeah, that makes more sense. I lost my question with everything. Is there any concern after processing that, you know, things aren't as clean as we hope they'll be? Nothing is ever going to be clean here again. Chemically, scientifically, yes, I think that we have the technology to clean everything. But if you were here experiencing what I'm experiencing, I think you'll never be able to look at any of these affected areas the same way. It's just really going to have a lasting impact Yeah, you know what they say about that city Just fuck it, man, fuck it I've been saying that a lot The whole time I've been here Very astute observation from the studio, thank you That's what we're here for That's what we're here for Hold on, I'm getting an urgent Hold on, I'm getting a message From our R&D department Do you think that any of the police are in on it? I don't have any actual evidence but don't they usually you know take a little on the side have you taken one look if my boots accidentally fill up with a little bit of overflow i don't know who's going to be able to tell me that's anything but an accident but uh no i i certainly like i said at the beginning i would never compromise my ethics my journalistic integrity or myself and i'm not compromised i apologize for questioning i apologize man man fuck it i just you know that's on me are you ready to make a guess? You want me to ask more questions, Bob? Can you possibly guess this? I keep asking. I just don't know if you... Your answers are starting to hint that maybe you know. Is there a record amount of sewage on Nantucket Island which is overflowing their sewage system? You are so close. Let me give you one more clue. Oh, you got a little stuff around your nose there, Bob. You got some kind of... Clean that off, you know. Is there a record amount of cocaine? spilling out of a boat into the water supply no no go back to what you were before everything you said before was correct record amount of cocaine in the sewage yes in where in nantucket island wait but what is the new suite that's the story the story is how much cocaine is in nantucket sewage a lot there is a record amount of cocaine by a margin of about four to five times the national or regional average in nantucket's wastewater okay i feel a lot better about my i was like man powder your nose was too on the it was too too much yeah yeah no that was it was all very very good you got the sewage pretty much it was just really hard to connect the sewage to the cocaine so yeah does that mean it's getting flushed or you don't shit out cocaine when you like use it do you i think they're trying to figure that out they don't know why there's so much cocaine that is the strange thing it's actually lower than the average for fentanyl methamphetamine and whatever xylazine is nicotine's about the average but if for some reason cocaine spikes in nantucket you're right mark that was a really weird one that was a weird one yeah i was like okay that's why you keep okay that makes sense is why you kept saying no to my cartel and police questions oh all right okay i are we ready to swap oh yeah yeah bob i'm sending you and you know you could if if you think oh no wait that doesn't bode well for me does it bob i'll give you a chance to skim the uh the article to re-familiarize yourself is it weird i found it a lot harder asking the questions than i did being on this side it's tough both sides oh i didn't score that one yeah i'm sorry i think that i think the questions were good i believe that one was a tougher one so it's hard for me to deduct anything from either bob you definitely get three out of three for your guess because holy shit that was great i feel like my questions were bad but i don't think that reflects poorly on you wait i'm good oh really i thought mine were i thought i was like oh man powder your well i don't know maybe i don't know i'll deduct a point if you want if you think it's fair no no no no i mean let's not be crazy i thought you had some good like diverting it towards cocaine i thought that was pretty good i did try to bring the drug up and then uh but that was hard to do without being direct it's really hard to hint something hard without being too direct with it all right let's try this one it's hard to think of uh a newscaster name that's not just stealing directly from colin mockery i ever know like oh what are some pun oh wait he did that one ready cue the music Elon Musk and the history of the Roman salute Good evening everybody My name is Smallest Dickus and I'm here to bring you the nightly news I'm joined by my co-host Yes, I'm Shares What Happened and I'm here to tell you what happened We have our ace reporter out in the field Oh, wait, no Oh, our ace reporter was out sick We have our backup reporter out in the field I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your name Fae King. Hmm. All right, Fae. Mr. King, whatever you prefer. All right. All right, Fae. I'm gonna call you Fae. What? It just happened. It's been kind of crazy over here. One minute, things were calm. Next minute, well. Fae, Cher here. Is that what smacked the hair off the top of your head or? Well, no, I've been bald for quite a while, but it could have. It definitely could have. Yeah, I was seeing the slow-mo of when it was happening. I was watching it over and over again, just, you know, my jaw on the floor. But I barely noticed you. When it came by, it was right across your head. Yeah, it got a lot closer than I think a lot of us would have liked. Now, I know this is your job to cover a lot of stuff like this. I think the audience was really riled up. It was a strong emotional reaction to what happened. Did you feel a similar emotional reaction? What did you get? What sort of sense did you get? Yeah, yeah. How'd you feel about this? A bit of excitement, a bit of fear, and a lot of confusion. Yeah, but which way you lean in, you know? Left, right. Oh, away. I'm leaning away. Good answer. Good answer. Good answer. Was it just the one time? As far as I know, it was. But my heart was racing so much after that time that if it happened again, I might have still been in a daze. Heart racing because you were happy, heart racing because you were mad. I think you can tell. Oh, yeah, no, we can tell. I think I know what you're thinking. I do have to ask, though, this really harkened back to something that I just, I think about every day. Do you have any thoughts on the historical connections here? Well, now that you ask it that way, I'll have to think about it. But, you know, this does seem connected. It does. In what way? Historically. Fascinating. You know, I am getting an update from our producer, actually, that academics are coming out and say that it's not as historically connected as other people might like to think. Are you hearing any discourse on that where you are? Are people disagreeing or is everyone pretty much on the same page? There's one thing that I know is a constant that people will never all agree. There's been a lot of discussion, argument and disagreement. But I think the true answer is obvious to those of us in the know. Well I mean all I can say is from Corroborating reports there was a lot of people that were Jumping around like a dipshit after And before but you know that Doesn't pertain exactly to the events At hand and that's all circumstantial So I do have to ask I know I know you're You're sort of pinning where you are maybe There's a lot of activity would it be possible for you To roam around at all I can I could try getting into it a little bit But yeah if you wouldn't mind roaming I'd really appreciate that yeah yeah Yeah I can roam a little bit but It is very tight. There's a lot going on around me. The energy levels are high. Well, there's not much left to get smacked off. So, you know, got to be careful. I don't know if he'll talk directly to you. Could you ask him maybe if anything touched him that caused him to behave that way? I can try. You guys think I'm in any danger? Is it safe to approach to ask that kind of question? I mean, it looks like it's winding down there, so. No, that's okay. You know what? I think you'll be able to find them on social media later anyway. A lot of this will play out on the site formerly known as Twitter. Yeah, I think that that makes a lot of sense. In other news, as we jump over to our next segment in musical news, the hit song My Heart Will Go On is reaching back up into the top 100. Oh, man, what a resurgence. Oh, man. A blast from the past, much like this. Oh, late 90s had a lot of good hits. My Heart Will Go On, definitely among them. Great song, yeah. I said mine out all the time. Uh, great. Wait, did you like to guess? Do you know? I don't have a fucking clue right now. I'm not gonna lie. Oh, I thought you were getting it. Oh, I thought you had it. I really thought you had it. I know you haven't covered a lot of political events. Some might argue this is not exactly a political rally per se. Do you have any sense of the, uh, if the excitement here is partisan? from any particular party or if it's sort of, you know, just pro-American. Well, you know, based on the specific amounts of waving you have to do to get people's attention, based on the musical selection, I think it pretty much goes without saying which way this one leans. Yep, I hear ya. Hey, hey. Sure, sure, yep. Do you need a second for your eye? Yeah, I've completely lost a contact lens in my eyelid somewhere, so I can only see out of one Which makes it hard to know which way they're coming from. I know. All right, I'll give you another hint Hopefully you fix this up. All right, some some people even wonder why he was there in the first place I mean, he doesn't really have a role Everything else is just you know kind of a kind of a meme You know what I mean Kind of a meme and being there It is It is And a lot of people have been kind of saying people like him should stay out of politics and leave it to the politicians. You know, it's bad when when citizens are saying, man, I wish we had more politicians and less of this guy. Yes. And, you know, now that things have settled down and I've had a moment to catch my breath, I think it's all kind of come together. then we're realizing that, well, we should let Mr. Musk lie for a while, right? Yes, we should. I'll call that there. But what's the headline? Before I give you the headline, let me tell you through the weird amounts of thought I had. First, I was like, ah, I've had some kind of air show. Something swooped low and took my hair. And I don't remember where I went after that. At one point, I was like, oh, it's Elmo from Twitter, the Elmo account. And then I'm not going to lie, 1996 Titanic threw me way the fuck off. Oh, my heart will go on from Titanic. I didn't make. Yeah, for some reason, I went to the movie Titanic and I was like, oh, yeah, the big hit from Titanic. Where am I and what's going on? I don't know what the hell the article title is about, if I'm being honest. It's a strange title. Elon Musk snatches people's hair in an attempt to make sure his children are genetically perfect. That's a good title. There was only side-long references like, you know, everywhere you roam, you know, you're roaming. Oh, there was a lot of roaming. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I don't know what happened to Musk, and I'm not gonna lie, the one eye is really fucking with me. That's fine, that's fine. We'll wrap it up. It's Elon Musk and the history of the, quote, Roman salute. All right, go take care of your eye. I'll be right back. I'm sorry, that's driving me nuts. I think I'm gonna give everyone two out of three, but just because it was a tough one. We were dancing around it almost intentionally to the detriment. But also, I feel like some clues that were pretty good didn't land. So I think two or three for everybody. No, that's fair. In hindsight, a lot of it made sense. It's just I think I picked up on the wrong parts of some of the clues you guys were given. And I was like hanging on to them. I thought there was an airplane involved for the longest time with the swooping low thing. Well, I realized what I should have done is I was like, it almost went right over here. I'm like, I should have done that. Yeah. that would have been a much better clue so that's my bad well i couldn't have seen you you're right you're right because we had you going down there you're right yeah any kind of physical clue you guys gave me i wouldn't have been able to see i think i thought about the minimizing because i was going to share the screen of the article but i realized soon that the editor can put that in but just for fairness we'll keep it down for for this one as well all right so this is a super weird one kind of so this might be really tough but i also think it could be pretty funny what am i reading i know buddy boy mark how are we asking these questions i uh i don't know i think i'm excited but how are you how are we asking these questions i think the benefit here is that we can be as direct as we want because it's such a strange one so we don't have to dance around it too much yeah i agree okay all right uh i'll do my best i will do my best bob you got this man No worries. This is easy. It's so easy, man. All right, here we go. Cue the music. Jesus was a psychedelic mushroom. A controversial theory suggests, could it reshape Christianity forever? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, I'm a Trippin' Bowls, here to give you some breaking news, and I'm joined by my co-host, Hierfo Mopay. Yes, and we are both here with breaking news, groundbreaking news that might shake up the entire foundation of the world as we know it. And the only person that we have is our ace reporter who's out in the field joining us live. Yes, that's right. I'm here. Tech's going on here in the field, bringing you live coverage of this event. And I'm just happy to be back on the air after last time. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty disgraceful what happened last time. It was. It was. So this is obviously a huge, huge ordeal. Are there people that are in denial? Are they accepting what's going on out there? This news is big. Huge. I think people are struggling to come to grips with it. I don't think when it's all said and done that anyone's going to be able to deny what we all saw here today. Has it been hard keeping your balance with everyone tripping around you? Oh, I have pretty good balance, but it has been tough. Grabbing on to the side of the news van kind of helped. consider climbing up on top to get above everything, but that didn't feel necessary quite yet. Maybe that'll be my next move if I feel like I'm having trouble keeping my feet. Do you think that this could all come down to a translation error? I mean, a couple thousand years, that's a long time. You know, words can get lost or mixed. You know, I've never really trusted Google Translate. I think you lose a lot when you go back and forth, back and forth, let alone if people are translating things like this. Who knows? It's probably just whatever the last person who translated it wanted it to be. You know what I mean? So what do you think? Do you think a fun guy or not? Way more of a fun guy than you might think. You know, this would explain a lot. It would explain a whole lot. You know, I never bought the whole making more fish thing. That never gelled with me. It would make a lot more sense if it was the circumstances that we're seeing. It's a tough story to believe. but I think if you really listen with your heart, you could just go along and sort of accept it, you know? Kind of ironic that people are being so cross with each other about this topic. It is, but, you know, that's the nature of the beast. You don't get to have a secret club with the gates and the guy guarding it and all this stuff without it feeling a little exclusive. And, you know, for better or for worse, I think the people on the inside know that they have one up on everyone else, right? they have the maybe the high ground you could say well i mean i i've heard this before not that i've partaken myself i have many times i've done what's called a heroic dose and let me tell you it felt like i died and came back yeah it does feel like that that makes sense you know we talked about last time i was on air i do want to say that might have something to do with this it was a harrowing event and i regret what i said but i don't regret the experience so have people been shit-talking him or have they been nice about it? Some shit-talking, some chanterelling. It's kind of all over the place. Some people probably want to participate, got a little psyched out. Definitely, definitely, definitely. And I think that is happening now. It's echoing into the future here where people's belief systems are being upended. You know, some people take this quite personally. Are you seeing, you know, some, maybe some instigations of going a little too deep? Oh, definitely. Definitely. If there's ever been a place where I felt like the Reddit comment section flooded with, it's not that deep, bro, it would be here. People are going all in. Whatever they had stashed away, they are burning through it all right now, just trying to take advantage of the moment and comprehend what's happening, you know? We'd heard blood, flesh, but I'm not sure what the most recent term is for consumption. Tears, actually. sort of doesn't make sense but it's thematic if you think the way that i'm thinking right now and maybe if you should talk to yourself a little bit and if you think about it if you tie this in and look at it from this perspective it all kind of makes sense you know eat the body a drink of the blood it all ties in if with this prevailing theory doesn't it it does you know i've been thinking this myself for a while just so happy to be aside to cover this as a news story but it It really does make sense. You know, if you look at the numbers, you know, a pie, you know, a perfect circle. There's a way you can see it where it all makes sense. Do you think future artwork will portray him with a cap? And a huge dick. I mean, we all know this to be true. We all know this to be true. I mean, the similarities between the two, it's just undeniable. It looks like that. That's not my question. do you think though this will lead to more believers or will it be less believers it's definitely going to lead to more believers whether they're right or wrong you know it's not for me to judge he's going to take care of that but uh no chance this leads to anything but more believers no concern about a fear of uh more cult-like behaviors you know what i always say about cults. It's nothing to be afraid of as long as you're on the inside. Right you are. Right you are. Do you have any idea where you are? Is someone high on shrooms claiming to be Jesus? That is shockingly close. That's pretty close. If you had to take that more literally. Is Mushroom Jesus getting people high with his psychedelic flesh? I'd say that is so close i'm gonna give it to you there i'd give that one this title is jesus was a psychedelic mushroom a controversial theory suggests could it reshape christianity forever i i am very impressed that was both of you did a great job on that so honestly i'll give you both full marks and what that means is that you both got the exact same points throughout the whole thing all right Perfect. So we're going to wrap it up there. That was well done, guys. Very funny. Really, really clever, clever boys. But the points are the dictator of who is the true winner. Bob, you got a point for Ocean of Hair and then Musical Release. And then you got three out of three, three out of three, two out of three, three out of three, which puts you at a whopping 13 points. Wait, you got the segue point. You got Things Get Tough and then Rough Night Sleep. And then you got three out of three, three out of three, two out of three, three out of three with puts you at 14 points. Going into the bonus round, you have one up on Bob. All right. Well, I guess we should spin the wheel. And I'm sure that chance will fall in my favor this time. Of course it will. He says winningly. Also, do you have your submission for the wheel mark? Oh, and three. We haven't actually had a three in a bit. Let's see. What could we do? uh offended the most people in the audience sure sure i think that's gonna be tough to judge on this one but i still love how the wheel is getting increasingly out of frame on this i don't think this app is meant to go this far perfectly round and fine all right three spins here we go spin number one shortest if it's between competitors it's me if it's wade wade is half an inch shorter that gives him the plus one shortest point that's a rather inauspicious start for me but i'll take it spin number two still could be yours most distracted you both were pretty locked in i mean i was very locked in i would say the only thing i my contact lens yeah distraction is wade had the contact thing. That is a good point. That was literally distracting him. That's a contact point for distracted. Alright, just gotta avoid golf rules and sudden death. That's gonna be tough to come back from. Tell you that. And host wins. I think there's three options here that could screw me. That's it. Well, we've never had that happen before. No. What are the odds of some chaos right at the end of a fitting victory? Also, sudden death could happen. And it's half a point for Wade! Alright, sweep with a crushing victory, 16 and a half to 13. Wade takes the crown. Wade, congratulations. Would you like to give your winner's speech? Whose heart does your heart go out to? Oh, my heart goes out to you, Mark. Thank you for hosting such a beautiful episode and definitely not having me have a green screen up to do some questionable things that can be used against me later. Very excited. Editors, be nice to me. And Bob, Bob. You know, it feels good to make the podium either way. I'm not going home with the gold today, but it's hard to complain too much. When you said that today's episode was a bit that Wade basically does by choice because he likes it and generally kills us when he does the bit, I was like, well, I guess I'll just participate. But I honestly had a fun time and it was pretty fun. I expected to lose, so I guess my expectations were accurate. Can't be disappointed if you set yourself up for failure. That's great. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm teaching James. Thank you at home, everybody, so much. You can go and check out our merch at store.distractable. No, sorry. I did it wrong. Distractable. Dasha! Hey! I know what I'm doing. The Valentine's merch, obviously, is coming to a close, and most of it is sold out. The next drop will be coming soon, which will have some generic designs, maybe even bringing back some things that people missed out on before, and we will see everyone there. This has been my skirm, Bob, LordMinion777, Minion777, Wade, Markiplier, me, and you have been the viewer and or listener. And listeners, look. No, you can't. Listeners, listen. We still love you. Listeners, look. Look, damn you. Look. Look at me. Coward. Have a lovely day. Follow the podcast for more fun stuff here. 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